Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-17

Episode Date: February 13, 2017

Bill rambles about Friday the 13th, Coach K and changing diapers.

Hey, what's going on? What's going on? It's Bill Byrd. It's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, February 13th, 2017. What's going on? How are you? How are you doing over there? Why is it, why is Friday the 13th unlucky and Monday the 13th? Oh, that's just fucking fine. You know, who's the pussy who came up with that one? You think Monday the 13th? Fuck, unlucky 13 and it's Monday and I got five fucking days in front of me. I have to work Friday the 13th. Who gives a shit? You stubbed your toe a couple of times the next thing you know, you're at the TGI Fridays, right? You're down there eyeballing one of the ladies. You know, you come up to her, you tell her you like her striped shirt.

Start bitching about the horrible day you had. You know, she's a woman, so she'll listen to it. She'll kick into that motherly instinct unless she already has kids and then she doesn't have time for it. You know, then she looks at you and says, listen, I'm ain't sucking your dick. All right, so just get the fuck out of here and then you move on to something younger. It's not how it goes. Why? What is so fucking unlucky? You know what? I didn't even know I was gonna, I gotta look this up now. Why is Friday the 13th unlucky? Hang on a stomach hit pause for a second. All right, before I can just looked it up. I didn't read any. I just got, I just got to the Google thing where they got whatever it is on the

first page. All right, who's kidding who with the internet, whatever the fact is, the fact is whatever you look up within the first two fucking clicks on the first page becomes the truth. That's it. Okay, so that's what the fuck I'm looking at. You know, if the right answer to any question is fucking beyond what you have to scroll down on the first page of any subject on of the internet, it's over. No one's ever going to know the truth because who, who the fuck ever goes to page 14? Not even journalists do that. They don't give a shit. All right, I'm going to say it either has to do with it's got to be religious. It's got to be religious. Jesus did something. He always had bad Fridays, didn't he? No, he

had a good Friday. Today's good Friday. What happened on good Friday? Did the rock roll back? He came walking out. You know, like one of those fucking movies where they thought they killed the guy and he didn't. And then he comes back, except not like Tom Sawyer fucking creep hanging out of his own funeral. I was done with that kid. Once he did that shows, these kids are fucking weirdo. All right, Friday, 13th, why is it unlucky and other facts about the worst day in the calendar in the calendar, not on the calendar or in it? We're not in it. We're not on it. All right, Friday, 13th, considered by many is one of the unluckiest days of the year is almost here again. This is from January, 2017.

Oh shit, January 13th. Well, fuck, nothing happened to us if you're still alive. If you're worried about what's in store, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, what the fuck in 2000. Hey, here's some of the fun facts. When is the next Friday, 13th? Why stupid? All right, biblical origins. All right, of course, it always goes back to the Bible. Oh, Jesus, dad's mad. Dad's coming home. He's not in a good fucking mood. He had a bad week. You know, of course, it's the kid's fault. Stupid cunt. He tried to build everything in six fucking days. Typical do it yourself job. Why didn't you farm it out to someone who knew what the fuck they were doing? Built the thing up to code, you dope.

Fucking stick in a steel beam in the middle of a fucking wood wall. Yeah, everything above it is supported better. What about below it, dad? What about below it? The fuck did this music come from? All right, let's read with this music on in the background. The superstition about this day is thought to have come about. All right, that's enough of that. During the Middle Ages and many have biblical origins, some historians have claimed it was the day on which Eve bit the apple from the tree of now. Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh, that just scared the shit out of me, Nia. The lovely Nia, everybody. Oh, with my beautiful daughter. Two lovely ladies. What's going on? I thought you were done. Sorry. Now I was watching the

videos that people sent me this week. What's going on? Are you going to drop her off? No, I can't do the podcast the way I talk. That's why I was in here with the door closed. It's a pocket door, by the way. If you wonder why it just squeaked like we live in a haunted house. No, I just found another, I just saw another place that I wanted to show you that maybe you wanted to order from. Yeah. Just order me something remotely healthy. Okay. Something to stave off the calories I consume in alcohol. Okay. Would you like some sort of like a bowl like with rice and tofu and that sort of thing? I hate tofu. It's got to be a real dead animal of vegetables. Okay. So you want, you want meat. So I shouldn't

order from a vegan place then. I like, I've vegan as long as none of that tofu and I don't understand what that stuff is. That's like the type of shit that they seal caps with. So tofu? Yeah. So liquid doesn't be good. It's not good for you. Tofu's not good for you? No. Are you sure you're thinking of tofu or are you thinking of? When tofu doesn't come from a tree, does it? There's no tofu trees. I thought tofu was made from soybeans. Yeah, but isn't soy bad for you? Not always. I have no idea. Let me get your phone for you. I don't know. Just if you're going to order from a vegan place, just get me vegetables. I, I, you know, I know what it, I know what it is. I don't know what tofu is. It's like

fucking algae or something. All right, shuffles. Nia, do you know why Friday the 13th is unlucky? Why? I don't know either. I've been reading about it here. The new, they try to say that Eve fucking maybe bit the apple. They went paradise. There was no calendar. What do they have to worry about? There's no bills. They didn't have to go to work. You know, what did they do in fucking eat off shit Monday? Same shit. Different day. It's fucking paradise. I don't understand why if it was paradise, why they had a fucking snake in there trying to fuck everything up. Yeah, but that's on God. They're not too safe. God made everything. He also made, he also made the cunt of all cunts. Did he not, so the devil was basically

a bad hire that came back and try to take his company down. All right. Okay. Let me finish reading this. Okay. In the new Testament, um, I love how they blame the woman that that's why everything's all fucked up. I mean, without a doubt, if you told abroad did not go over there and eat the fucking apple, she's going to be intrigued, you know, like a guy wouldn't whatever you do. That's the classic thing. Like a substitute teaching, whatever you do, don't laugh. Next person who laughs gets detention. That's it. You're done. You're fucking squeezing your nose doing that fucking little kid laugh. That's it. Next thing you know, you're missing a week of research recess. That's why you got all these fat fucking kids. The regular

teacher takes the day off. The substitute teacher creates the tension. The one skinny kid starts laughing and then he's done. He's eating that fucking food down the cafeteria that's got all the preservatives in it. Do you know if you fucking kill somebody and nobody figures it out? You're not in the clear for a good 40 years. That's how they're digging people up from 12 years ago. And then that's like they took a fucking nap. Hey, I tell you, these people, they're full of preservatives, you know? All right. In the new Testament, there were 13 people present for Jesus. Jesus's last supper on Monty Thursday, Monty, MA, UND. Why is that some other fucking day of the week they used to have? What do you mean

the new Testament that wasn't in the old Testament? Oh, wait a minute. We fucked up. Thought there was 12 this 13 the day before crisis crucifixion on good Friday. Oh, good Friday. So he went out. He had a couple of beers. He had a good fucking time. And the next thing, you know, he got the old right there, Fred. All right, more bad luck on Friday, October 13th, 1307, Philip the fourth of France, shouldn't be a Philippe Lecatte, arrested hundreds of of the Knights Templar in his, well, what the, what did they do in his novel Da Vinci Code? Brown sites the 14th century execution. Oh, who gives a fuck? You know what I mean? You know something? It's just, it's just all bullshit. That's what it is. You always knew it was. I'm

trying to think of anything bad that's ever happened to me on the 13th. But I pay up for Adam and Eve, get bad luck today. Fucking old ladies, keeping that shit going. That's what it is. Oh, by the way, really good friend of mine and one of the fucking best comedians I've ever seen, Nick Topolo, the great Nick Topolo, he has a new standup special, a new one hour standup special that's debuting this Thursday, February 16th at eight, 8pm on CISO TV called inflammatory. I don't get to watch him as much since I'm out here. But he is somebody, last time I worked with them was at comics come home. Once again, legendary set. And that's it. He's just one of those fucking guys. He's just, he's the guy. He's the shit. And he's got a new special on CISO. Check

it out. Thursday, Friday, Thursday, February 16th at 8pm. It's called inflammatory. And he also used to host a show with Artie Lang. And now he's doing his own podcast to subscribe to his podcast. You can go to connect pal, c o n n e c t pal.com slash Nick. All right. There we go. So you know what, you know what the fuck I did today? You know what my dumb ass did today? So I getting on the elliptical, which was a good thing. All right, I took my life insurance fucking test. This guy had a problem hitting my vein. He goes, you're going to bruise a little bit. You should see me. I look like I don't look like I'm doing smack. I just look like somebody just pinched my fucking inside of my elbow. Really fucking hard. Anyway, so I did all that. What a shit show that

was. Fucking guys sitting there going, do you drink at all? Right. And like, he's got his back to my bar, which I told you is murderers row. The bottles I have there, I told you right now, I put it up against the 27 Yankees, the 96 bowls. Let's go some underrated teams, the 83, 76ers, somehow lost in history about how fucking great they were, right? The 86 Celtics, the 85 Lakers, the fucking 2016 New England Patriots. The 98 Yankees, that was a great team for the fucking free agent their weight. I mean, speaking of which, the Red Sox are doing that this year. It's a good year to get the package. No matter what, you're going to be entertained. You either get to watch like a fucking 900 million dollar team shit the bed or just, you know, there is no

Santa Claus. We're buying it. One or the other. Either way, it's going to be dramatic. So anyways, I got a such a funny question. How many drinks do I don't fucking know? Do I have a pocket protector? I don't count them. I like, you know, they always think, you know, it's funny. They fucking say having a glass of wine with your meals is actually good for you. You know what I mean? So I mean, I don't, I don't understand that. Do you smoke? It's fucking lying your ass off. Oh, Jesus. Can you imagine if you can imagine anybody, even the fucking people who work there, if you answered any of those questions, fucking honestly, you know what I mean? All right, Bruins, and I probably shouldn't be talking about this. Who gives a shit? There's a comedy

podcast. These are all jokes, everybody. This is what I did today. My fucking dumb ass did today. So, you know, I'm going to be the person presenter at the Writers Guild. No, the, the, yeah, the Writers Guild awards thing, right? And so they say it's a black tie thing. And I'm like, God, fuck, I got to get a fucking tuxedo. So I call up by the time I call up, it's too late to get one. So near Google, some pictures and everybody seems like relaxed, like they're just wearing suits with the black tie. So they say, fuck it, I'll wear one of my suits. So I pull out a suit, I get the shirt, we do the whole fucking thing. I got it to go and all that. So today, I'm dressing up, you know, I'm hanging with my daughter, I'm putting my time in, you know,

because I'm going to be gone for three, four hours. And Nia's going to be handling it by herself. And I'm going to go out and go do this, this fucking Hollywood thing, right? And I'm sitting there. And I know, you know, the red carpet and everything's between three or four. And I'm like, I can't, I don't know when the fuck the car is coming to pick me up. I'm all dressed up, ready to go, you know, two o'clock, 205, 210, 215, I'm texting people, hey, once this car coming to get me 225, I walk outside, I'm looking around, I don't see anybody. I'm just sitting there. And it finally dawns on me. I'm like, wait a minute. And I just looked up the date of the fucking award show. It's next Sunday. That hilarious, you know, the funny thing about it is Nia got

mad at me. Why don't you write things down? It's not, I didn't miss it. I just was a little early. And now I know, you know, I know that, you know, I know what I'm going to wear. Now I'm actually way ahead of the game because I, because I fucked up. What do you want from me? Anyway, speaking of, this is something that I got to let you guys know about the, the Patrice O'Neill comedy benefit, the fifth annual Patrice O'Neill comedy benefit. We're actually going to be releasing some, some tickets, some high quality tickets, I guess you say, some really good seats. And we're going to be doing that Monday today, if you listen to it on Monday. Jesus Christ with the fucking open under the door there.

Because it's ridiculous. That's why. What is ridiculous? How am I trashing you? Because you were saying like I got mad at you because you, come here, come here, come here, come in there, come in there, come in there. Don't yell, don't yell. You got the kid there. What? It's absolutely absurd for you to not know when things are anymore. It's like you're a grown ass man and you've got all dressed to go to the, why is it always grown ass? Why can't you say you're grown up? I can say whatever I want to say. And I'm choosing to say that you're a grown ass man who can't seem to write anything. Is that because you're a strong woman to the point where

you're going to get all dressed up and be like, Oh, what am I going to wear? There's none. The other. And then you come downstairs five minutes later, like, well, it's next week. What's wrong with you? You need to get it together. It's not cute. Yeah. That's like the first thing I've screwed up like that a long time. I have a bunch of events in my phone right in the calendar section. Forgetting when things are, you're always getting the dates wrong and it's frustrating. It's just annoying. All right. But how am I doing? Is it dead? What does that have to do with anything? You're doing amazingly as a, all right, well, stop acting like I'm in some shooting heroin in an alley. I'm not acting like you're shooting

heroin in an alley, but you just need, I just don't understand why you can't ever get your schedule straight. You're always getting the dates wrong. You're like, Oh, it's tomorrow, not today. It's next week, not this week. Like I don't, I don't get it. Yeah. I'm busy. I don't have an assistant. You will, you should get an assistant. I don't want another person to talk to. I haven't told you to get an assistant for like three years now because of this very reason. Yeah. You want to hear all the shit I did this week that I made totally got there on time? No. You don't. Okay. You know why? Because that would prove my point. If I was a baseball, what is your, what is your point exactly at 99% of shit I get there on time 99% 98.

No, and you did get mad at me. I'm not, I did. Well, then what's the problem? Why do you have to dramatically open our squeaky pocket door to come in here and insert yourself on the podcast? I don't know. All right. Are you done? Are you kicking me out now? Are you almost done? No, I've just started. Oh, you just started? Well, people sent me, I know I'm 17 minutes in. Oh Jesus. Well, I came up here to watch the Grammys, but I can't turn the TV on now, right? It'll watch the Grammys. Okay, I'm going to. Is there going to be a bunch of people like writing new verses about how Trump's the most evil thing ever? There's some chick that showed up on the red carpet wearing a sparkly dress that

said make America great again and then Trump on the back of it. I don't know who she is, but everyone's already like, what? Oh my God. She's like, just for somebody to show up at a Hollywood event like that in a dress that says like, you know, it's pro Trump is pretty, pretty paint by numbers shock. I guess so. I don't know. Do you think she'll get some free press out of that? I think she will. Was she wearing Madonna's beret? No, she was not. I'm going to a protest. What should I wear? No, she's wearing a pro Trump, a pro Trump dress is what I'm saying. I know, I know because that other shit is played out. They're acting like the sky is falling. So now they're going to go the other direction. Yeah, I know, but I feel like that's

not going to be like good press for her. You know what I mean? Hey, Totes, any, any press is good press. That's how this dirty town works. Yeah, I guess so. Okay. Well, you could just put out a good album. Right. And not rely on your stupid clothes. Yeah, if you put out a good album, you can keep your clothes on, you don't have to say who you voted for. You can just go up there and accept your shiny thing. That's true. All right, I'm going to take the baby. Okay. Okay, bye. Okay, bye. Bye. Anyways. Hi, everybody. All right. If you pull the door lower, it doesn't squeak as much. See, there you go. See that? You almost did it. You can watch the Grammys near good. Anyways. Oh, by the way, I'm going to fuck this up. The two fucking best channels right now,

in my not humble opinion, people say in my humble opinion, like, you're a humble person, you're not, you're injecting your fucking ideas, most likely into a conversation that you just overheard, or is that just me? In my opinion, I don't know when the humble came about, you know, hey, you know, who am I? Who am I? Who are you? You're the fucking guy that is, you know, holding court right now with your opinions. There's nothing fucking humble about this. You're shining a spotlight on yourself. You know, I'm actually in a good mood to hang on a second, let me fucking find this stuff. There's two fucking channels out there. Vice Land is the shit. I already told you about that. And now what's his face? Puffy's has a new network. Puffy's,

you cunt. Puffy's network. They said net worth revolt. It's another great fucking channel. Both of those channels remind me of the early days of MTV. The early days of MTV was somewhere between obviously, regular television, and then just basic cable fucking lunatics, which I really miss. I remember I used to watch this guy, Damon Zex. I talked about this a long time ago in the old opiate Anthony show. He used to pretend he was running for office. Damon Zex. There it is. This guy was a fucking superstar. I think it was channel eight. There he is. I love this fucking guy. Oh, this is, this isn't going to translate well. Damon Zex. And he used to do this thing where

you pretend that he was running for office. This crazy makeup on and just saying all this fucked up shit. And me and Bobby Kelly, we're living together in stone sober. We would just watch that guy like late night after we did our spots, just ordered Chinese food and we'd just sit there watching the guy laughing our asses off and fucking getting freaked out. I don't know, but the early days of MTV was like that. And I haven't seen network television or basic cable be like that in a long time. And I got to tell you those two fucking channels are just great. A bunch of random shit in there. Original shows. I don't know. Puffy's channel is more like I just sat there watching it. And it was that guy,

what the fuck's his name? Not Mike Jones. The guy's really killer Mike. Killer Mike. And I guess the guy he wraps with is white. I don't know anything about, but they fucking just filmed him. They just sat around talking about their albums. One guy's smoking weed. He has like a fucking coughing fit for like 30 seconds. They don't even edit it out. I don't know. I was just sitting there and I'm like two hours into this thing going, how the fuck am I still watching this? But it was way more interesting than a lot. I don't know. I like it. Check it out. If you, if you, if you like it, you like it, whatever, what are you going to do? Anyways, all right, let's, let's talk about the world of sports as I always do, as I eventually do, as I always make

my way back to the old bread and circus here. Bruce Cassidy, new coach of the Boston Bruins, former player, came up with the Blackhawks in like the eighties and unfortunately had like three or four knee injuries. This is all I know about the guy. And then he paid his fucking dues as a coach coming up. My favorite stop that he had on the way up, he coached for the Jacksonville Lizard Kings, which, you know, I'm throwing in, I'm throwing my vote and that's one of the best, that's one of the best fucking names for a minor league team. The Lizard Kings, it's a reference to the doors. They got a bunch of reptiles in Florida and fucking Jim Morrison got arrested in Florida for allegedly taking his dick out, also known in some circles as your lizard.

And who doesn't want to be a king? You know, you got the Sacramento Kings, you got the LA Kings, and you got the Jacksonville Lizard Kings. Anyways, he's undefeated so far, you know, granted, you know, we were playing our best hockey, I felt it this season when, when he took over, but this is the new guy, you know, I got to support there. What's his face? Pasternak with the fucking, with the game winner against the Vancouver Canucks, after he made a very sketchy pass in the first period, he makes it up, fucking unbelievable, came down the fucking left side, slammed on the brakes, just like I do in pickup hockey, except he actually stopped rather than continuing into the boards and hurting himself.

And then fucking little whatever the fuck he did, he put it in, it was fantastic. Oh, it was tremendous. But I got to tell you guys about the greatest sporting event I think I've been to since I went to the New England Patriots first Los Angeles Rams when we won our first Super Bowl. And all I can tell you about Duke at Cameron indoor arena, it's like how loud the crowd was when Vinitare kicked that field goal, it was that loud, the whole fucking game. I've never been to anything like it. And we sat in the low, we were sitting center court, I thought we were going to be behind the bench, sorry about that, we were at center court, not on the student side across from them, in the lower area. And dude, I'll tell you,

there's no fucking way to get out of there. There's no way to go to the bathroom. There's no way to fucking, there's nobody coming around to concessions, you are fucked. You are in there and that is it old school fucking barn. You went in, it's so small, I guess it holds like 9,000 people, but you felt like you were in there with like 200 people. And we came in and it was already, they were already shooting around before the game. And we finally got to our seats, like you just don't think that your seats are even going to be there because everybody's so jammed in. And we didn't sit down for the whole fucking game. I started sitting down during timeouts because I'm old. And I got to tell you, I've never seen an atmosphere like that ever. This beats everything.

I've been to the NCAA, the championship game was in the fucking Georgia dome. So I mean, that's a shitty place to watch a basketball game. Even if people go nuts, it just floats up to the top of the dome and you don't even hear it. I don't even know where to begin. And then it was an unbelievable game just back and forth, back and forth. When it looked like UNC was going to pull away, Duke would come back. Then it looked like Duke was going to have the game on ice and then UNC would come back. Somebody hit a three. Someone else would hit a fucking three. It was unbelievable. And I was very impressed with both teams. I liked that kid on UNC number 44. He doesn't rattle. He doesn't fucking act like he changed the game of basketball when he hits a shot.

All he gave a fuck about was winning. He hit some big three pointer and then they immediately called timeout rather than thumping his own chest and acting like he's in Braveheart. He came back to the bench high five, but you see he was pissed because they just let up an easy bucket before he hit his three. And I don't know, I don't know shit about anything, but if I was a scout, I would pay attention to that just as much as somebody actually doing great things out on the court. And it was insane, dude. Fucking coach K coming out. Reminded me when I went to the Kings game when they wrapped it up one time to win a Stanley Cup and I saw them bring the Stanley Cup out. It was like that, except it could walk around talking. So I want to thank Mike Hall

at the Comedy Zone in Charlotte for two awesome shows. And thank you so much for getting us in touch with the person that hooked us up with the tickets. Me, Verzi and Bartnick were all sitting there going, I think that might have been the greatest sporting event I went to. Obviously, seeing the Patriots when the Super Bowl was bigger. But the level of excitement, like I just never been, never been to anything like that. And if you ever get a fucking chance, that is definitely one worth stub hopping. Oh, the college give fucking the students were crazy. And they had all these funny chance. And I'm sure everybody's gonna say, Oh, they stole this from you. They stole this from this guy and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I don't fucking know, but it was

making me laugh. You don't want anyone introducing the UNC players. I'll just use my name. They just say, yeah, playing fucking point guard number fucking zero, Bill Burr. And then the whole student section just goes, Hi, Bill, you suck. And they just did it through the whole thing. It was childish. It was fucking hilarious. They started chanting. I couldn't tell what they were chanting. And then gradually figured it out. It was crazy towel guy. I was like, crazy, what the fuck are they saying? Crazy, what? And people start turning around looking at us. And then I realized they're looking beyond. So we look up and all of a sudden this fucking old guy gets up, starts whipping this towel around his head, this old fucking lunatic. I'm like, Oh, I guess that's, I guess that's a

crazy towel guy. Right. So it's going back and forth, back and forth, all these crazy chance. You let your whole team down, all of this shit. And next thing you know, it's like half time, we're sitting there going like, dude, what the fuck was that? That was 20 minutes of basketball. That felt like a minute. My ears were ringing like I'd gone to a concert and there's still another half to play. Then all of a sudden this Asian lady comes out, this Asian lady coming out on like a fucking three story unicycle. And she's doing that act where you're fucking, you flip the saucer onto your head. Okay. Which I had seen before. I've seen the act done before. I never seen it live, but was fucking hilarious. Versey and Bartnick had never seen that.

Not saying I wasn't blown away. I was definitely blown away. So she, she goes to like flip it on her head. Now, first of all, you know, when you stop on a unicycle, you can't just stop. You got to do that front, back, front, back, front, back doing now. She's doing that with one foot on the fucking pedal. She's got a goddamn soup bowl on one of our, the end of her feet on her toes, the end of your feet. A lot of people notice your toes, right? So everybody's sitting there, right? She fucking flips it. It does like a triple Lindy and lands on the top of her head. And everybody's just like, oh shit, right? So then she fucking with the thing still on her fucking head, the little soup kitchen cup there, right? She rides down to another, the other corner

of the basketball court. Now she puts two down. Now Versey starts going, no way, no fucking way, no fucking way. Right there, Fred. It fucking lands whole crowd. Oh shit. Then she goes to do three. So she's got one upright, the other's upside down, the other's upright, just going like right up her fucking shin. And she fucking landed that and Versey stood up. You ever see when black people go to church and what they call it, catching the Holy Ghost? That's what looked like happened to Paul Versey. Everybody was sitting down. Versey stood up and applauded. I'm fucking dying laughing. She goes to four bowls. Everybody's like, no shit. Four bowls go in the air, land right on her head. One, two, three, four, whole crowd. What the fuck? Right? Then she goes down her closing bit.

Not one, not two, not three or four. She puts five fucking soup bowls. It's all the way up to her knee. Okay. Oh, I forgot to tell you this, this guy's like flipping the bowls. So he flipped one to her and he fucking threw it too short and she dropped it. And I was going, ah, fuck, he just jinxed her. He just fucked with the rhythm. It's like calling a timeout to ice the kicker. So she's got five, flips them up in the fucking air. One, two, three, four, and the fifth one bounced off her head. Everybody's like, ah, ah, geez, there is no Santa Claus. Right? You know what she said? She said, fuck that, set him up again. Right? Teaching these kids these fucking millennials or whatever the fuck you call these kids nowadays. These kids who grew up with knee pads, elbow pads, and helmets when

they rode bicycles. They had play dates. They weren't left alone in the company of adults that no one really knew who they were. These kids were sheltered. They don't know how to make a comeback. These kids get drunk. They call Uber. Right? Everything's just set up for them. So they don't know how to fucking pull themselves off the mat. You know? Well, let me tell you something. This lady on this one fucking tired bicycle, she showed them how because she said, hey, fuck head. I don't give a shit that you throw me five more. She set him up again. Right? Flipped him in the air, landed all five fucking place goes nuts. Just as loud as the goddamn almost as loud as the fucking game. There was no break. There was no break in the excitement. That fucking ends. We're looking

going, what the fuck did we just see? And out comes coach K fucking Duke and UNC and it gets loud again. More chanting, more singing, more fucking screaming came all the way down. Duke finally put the game away with like a fucking minute left with a couple of foul shots. And I would just sat there in the last few seconds when I knew that Duke was going to win. And I just looked in, looked around, looked at everything I could look at, try to make as enough mental pictures as I could to take it in. Cause I knew I was just like, I don't know if I'll ever get back to, to see in one of these again. But I don't know if that didn't sell you a fucking gig, you got to do it. That is a dude, fuck Madison square garden. It's a Mecca. Fuck that place. You can go down there

and see the fucking ice capades. Save your money. Go on stub hub. All right. Go on stub hub and, and just get yourself some tickets and go there. You will not be disappointed. And you got to go while coach K is still there. Who by the way, I believe tomorrow the 13th is his 70th birthday. How great does that guy look? The fucking guy looks like he's like maybe a year younger, two years older than me. I don't know. Who would have thought with a, with a, a job that stressful, you could still look that good, you know, good. Anyways, let me read a little bit of advertising. Here we go. Oh, Dollar Shave Club, everybody.

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and I didn't have any money, I just didn't wear a watch. I didn't start a fucking watch company. These Kennedys. How is, okay, how is this like how you started? Build a fove, shut up. Movement watches started just $95 at a department store. You're looking at four to 500 bucks. Movement watches, okay, basically, they got a great watch. It's not in a department store. So they can cut out all this fucking money. They started at 95 bucks. They're great. People won't know that there's a piece of shit. It's not a piece of shit, but they won't know that it's not a fucking, you know, how do I get out of this? It's a nice watch. All right, but it doesn't cost a lot of money. Okay, over 1 million watches sold over 160 countries. Get 50% off today with free shipping,

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on fake news lately? I don't understand it. Why is the government getting so mad at fake news? It's so fucking hilarious watching them getting upset about that. Hey, don't read their fake news. Read our fake news. Read our version of the fucking. It's all fake fucking news. Have you ever gotten into a car accident? Little fender bender and the cop shows up. Are you a police officer? Have you ever heard two people tell you the exact same story? This fucking guy came out of fucking nowhere. Then you go over the other guy. What happened? I came out of fucking nowhere. I wasn't even looking. Never happens. It's all fake news. It's all opinions, right? For the most part, other than, you know, if somebody dies, this guy is fucking

dead. Okay. You can agree on that. How he died, why he died, who's responsible? Oh, Jesus Christ, Bill, we get it. Okay. That's all I'm saying. That's all I'm really saying here. All right. Let's get too wild. Let's get to the content here. Read some of your letters here. All right. Yoko Ono makes Julian Lenin buy letters he wrote to his dad at auction. All right, Bill, is there a worse woman in history? I hate to be hacky. I know the Beatles days were numbered and wasn't just her, but it didn't help. Yeah. But at the end of the day, John chose her. This is what happened. Something happened between John and his mom. She died or she fucking, I don't know. She beat him with a wooden spoon. I forget how the fucking story went.

All right. But whatever she did, or if she died, it's not her fault. It left him with the psychological makeup to be susceptible to not trying to just find a mate. He also wanted a mom. And all she had to do was make some cookies. All right. Make him some cookies on his fucking birthday, whatever the fuck he wanted. And then that was it. This guy was done. You know, I think he would, you know, if he lived they somewhere in his mid 40s, he just would have been like, all right, you know what? What the fuck was that? Maybe he would have got out. Maybe maybe he liked it. I have no idea. But anyways, let's continue. He said, then there's the video where you call her out for screeching like a maniac during a powerful moment in history.

Now she won't give her husband's son some paper he gave his dad 20 years earlier. This story might be a bit old, but it doesn't seem to make, but it doesn't make it any less true. I watched the clip. What it is was she auctioned off a bunch of his shit is what it is. She's not making him pay for it. She sold it and Julian wants to get it back. But because Yoko sold it, he has to buy it back. Now I, in defense of her, what I would say is the cash cow died. It's not like Yoko could go out and fucking sell, take records like a beetle. So all of a sudden she's going like, holy fuck, how am I still going to be able to live in the, in the Dakota? So she starts selling all his shit. Or maybe her husband died and she wanted to fucking move on and didn't

want to look at all his old shit. You know what I mean? I have no idea. But yeah, I watched a little of that video. Julian definitely goes hard on her and says that he thinks that she's extremely manipulative and that she knew what the fuck she was doing from day one. And I can't remember if that's actually his mother. I don't know. How is he related? Who the fuck knows? I don't know. Is there a worse woman in history? Yeah, there's way worse women. There's women that ran empires and had people killed, you know, for whatever fucking reason, you know, the, the, the story of Scarface, the second one, the one that Pacino did was based on a, you know, there was the original movie, but the stories that they used in the second one were based on a drug dealer of that

time who actually was a woman. So I mean, yeah, I would say she was worse. You know, having people shot in the fucking street is probably worse than selling some postcards. But you know, it's all up to interpretation. You know, this is the new me, the new meditating bill, the more relaxed bill who's undoing the fucking knots of anxiety in his mind. I cannot say enough about fucking meditating. Now that I'm not trying to like get good at it, I'm just trying to do it. I don't flip out to the level I used to like, I think, you know, say like 10 is the worst flipping out. I think I used to walk around, just walk around on a good day. I was already at a six compared to how most people are when they're just like totally chilling out. So it was a very

quick and easy trip up to 10. Now I feel like I walk around at like a three. I feel like I've cut it in half. So now when I flip out, I kind of just go to six, which is still totally unacceptable for most social situations. I still flip out and people look over their shoulders startled, but not with the level of, of what the fuck. You know what I mean? Reminds me this time I saw I was on like highway eight or something interstate eight. I think I was in Arizona or New Mexico. I don't know where the fuck I was at and this bull had somehow gotten free. I mean, I was in the middle of fucking nowhere. I was and there was two cowboys right on horses and these are cowboys. They're trying to fucking

rope a goddamn bull, which I don't know if you can do. I don't want the fuck they were doing. So one of them is trying to distract the bull is the other one is on a horse that is sneaking up behind it. And the horse is sneaking up the way horses sneak up in a fucking cartoon. And this bull at the last second figured it out and he fucking turned around. You know that look Bruce Willis always does when he looks over his shoulder and die hard. It's the same thing, except it was a fucking bull. That's the look that people when I would lose my shit prior to meditating, I would get that look. Everyone would fucking turn around like, you know, a skyscraper was on fire and it was just some fucking balding redhead

flipping out because he couldn't figure out the new operating system on his, on his smartphone. It's completely unacceptable. So my temper has, has really reduced. And I'm telling you, if I can just not fucking do, I just made this statement out loud. It's like I'm, my daughter's not going to see me flip it out. You know, I'm not saying I want everyone, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, which is fucking drawn on the wall at some point. But she's not going to see me yelling at computers. It's just not going to happen. Okay. And I say it out loud when I say it out loud, that means it happens, right? I hope so. Anyways, I'm trying. Fuck you guys. I'm trying. Anytime I talk about this tool,

my standup act that I'm going to try to fix my temper, people just start laughing. They laugh and they point, they make me feel bad. All right. Italy and the European Union. Hey there, Capitol Hill bill, I'm just a bill. Yes, I'm only a bill and I'm sitting here on Capitol Hill. And okay, I'm a political science professor from a school I won't name to keep with your policy of not naming names. Having studied and taught the subject, it's fair to say, I look at what goes on today from a much wider scope, wider scope than who me, I would hope so. I would hope so wider than me. All right. And that's not something that is only exclusive to receiving a masters in political science. Could you pat yourself on the back anymore, sir?

Did your elbow patch fly off your fucking left arm of your sport coat when you reached back to that is all I love this guy. And that's not only something that is only exclusive to receiving a masters in political science. This guy should be wearing a scarf with a nice breeze going. Anyone can read souls and eats and thank you for fucking sound spelling that for me and others who have honestly captured an important perspective of history and have a much clearer understanding of how and why governments and socialites have evolved through history. Anyways, there is one thing that has flown under the radar. Now that I've gotten my resume out of the way, there's one thing that has flown under the radar. And I think it should scare the shit out of most European countries.

All right, let me start by saying in short that the European Union parentheses, which in my opinion is run by fascist with self interest. Can I just stop here and say this is the most well written fucking email I've ever received on the podcast. This is incredible. Let me start by saying in short that the European Union, which my opinion is run by fascist with self interest, tried to take control of Italy's army. For the sake of your time, I will spoil the ending. Italy did not vote to allow the EU to take over that move by the EU alarmed some of my peers who I in 20 plus years of knowing them have not seen them alarmed by anything in terms of government. In the scheme of things, a banking institution openly financing legislation

that is trying to gain control of a foreign country's foreign government's military is for the lack of a better term, really, really ballsy. Why do I feel like I missed some information here? Okay, so the European Union tried to take over Italy's army. Okay, I see that. Italy did not vote to allow the EU to take over. So when you join the European Union, they took take over your army. Is that what you're saying? Okay, so that move by the EU alarmed some of my peers. What move? Oh, trying to take over the other. Okay, you're jumping back and forth here. I can't tell what you're talking about. Okay, should take control of Italy's army case. So them trying to take control of their army. Yeah, how would you do that?

Okay, the idea that let me just finish this, the idea that certain globalist groups are trying to take control of the world is not an incredible idea among people who are versed in political economics or conspiracy theorists like myself. But you know something? Me, they just go, oh, what do you got your fucking tan hat on? And you, if you just started saying what the fuck you just said, you probably run into the same problem. Like you just, I just said it was the best written email ever. And I got lost in it because I'm too fucking stupid. I understand what you're talking about. So it's got to be hard, man. You just got to hang out with people with the fucking elbow patches on their sport coats, right? Anyways, the idea that certain globalist groups are trying

to take control of the world is not an incredible idea among people who are versed in political economics. I've heard you talk about stuff like this in the context of a conspiracy. And so other than this possibly possibly being interesting to you, it's also to, it's also a firm that you are not out of your mind. I attached an article if you'd like to read further. I absolutely would. Look at this. How about that, everybody? All you cunts saying, I got a tin hat on, tin foil hat on, whatever the fuck that means. Half of you say that you don't even know what it means. You got your tin foil hat on. You know, I don't even know what the fuck it means. Well, is that, is that like my antenna? If I'm doing some sort of pirate radio, tin foil hat

meaning, I know what it means. It means you're out of your fucking mind, but how did it come about? A tin foil hat is made from one or more sheets of aluminum foil. I didn't want the exact or a piece of conventional headgear lined with foil worn in the belief or hope that it shields the brain from threats such as electromagnetic fields, mind control and mindry. Oh, I see. I see. Well, you know, that's some MacGyver shit. I can go with that, right? Is that a bad thing? Anyways, well, where the fuck was I? I've attached, I would actually, how long is this though? Is this something I can read? You know, I'll read about this and I'll give you my uninformed opinion,

my moronic opinion on the next podcast. How about that? Does that work for you? Does that grab you? All right. Fat guys turns out to not be fat. Billy Twinklebows. This guy was told by a doctor his whole life that he was fat. He had this huge frontal thing on going on that turned out to not be a giant belly, but 130 pound tumor. How many people do you know will start using the tumor defense? I actually look this fucking thing up. The guy is fat. He's very fat, even after the fucking tumor. I mean, like he's laying in bed and he has, it's like he has an inner tube of fat going around. That's what his neck is. This guy is so fucking fat. He had 130 pound tumor and he just thought it was part of his love handle. He is fat. I'm glad they got it out of there. Jesus,

how do you get that out of there? 130 pounds. How the fuck do you, I mean, you got to take it out in sections. 10 pounds at a time. You need to make 13 fucking incisions. Jesus Christ. And just throwing it over your shoulder, hitting the ground like a fucking bowling ball. Jesus Christ. Do you know I knew a guy that, you know, everybody's talking about probiotics and they talk about the bacteria in your gut that, you know, there's bacteria in your gut that's supposed to be there. They try to scare your shit out of you, but it's supposed to be there. It's there for when you die and it begins the decomposing process provided you're not full of fucking preservatives and you just decompose because you're not important and you just become

part of the earth again. But we stick ourselves in these fancy fucking boxes because we think we're too good to be warm food for whatever fucking reason. But anyways, alcohol eats away at the good shit, the good bacteria that you need while you're alive. Like you're supposed to be balanced and you're supposed to have more of the good bacteria because if you have more of the bad bacteria, you can actually, you know, your own fucking way you're beginning to decompose while you're still alive or in a short way you're starting to die. This is the way this guy explained it to me. So he started getting the distended belly. They didn't know what the fuck was going on and he wouldn't go to the doctor. And then finally he found out, you know, somebody said, maybe you

got a tapeworm and that freaked him the fuck out. They could have been something alive in him. And he went to the doctor and then they found out that that's what it was and they gave him some medicine and, you know, and he had to shit it all out. That's basically what happened. So I don't know, even then I always buy the Greek yogurt and it goes bad. I always think like, Hey, I'll slam a couple of scotches in the next morning. I'll have two spoonfuls of fucking Greek yogurt. You're gonna be fine. I was happy in the life insurance. They said, I had a nice fucking easy, you know, heart rhythm. I was also meditating when they did it. You know, I was being totally present. I was listening to the sounds of the room. I slowed my breathing.

I tricked those fuckers, but I also had the Bruins game on in the background. So I was trying not to react to what the fuck was going on because we left this fucking cunty goal at the end of the second period with like one second left. All right, crazy Saddam story. Crazy. All right. Hey, Bill, thought I'd brighten your day with this crazy account of what went down in Iraq when Saddam took power. Basically they gathered all government officials in one room. The current military leader gets brought out on stage. He clearly he's clearly been beaten. He admits to having committed treason, but clearly he hasn't. They then start calling out officials one at a time. So everyone was scared shitless that they'd be called out and marched out into a courtyard

with the others. Then after half of them were gone, the remaining officials were all taken out to the courtyard and told that if they didn't shoot the traders, they and their families would be killed. That way they all had blood on their hands insane. Here's the whole account and to think the U S still did business with Saddam with them after that. Ha, ha, ha. Dude, as far as I know, we kind of put that guy in over there. Yeah. You know, and we were cool with the guy until he fucking tried to go around us and start selling oil to other. I don't know what the fuck you did. We, you know, you know what I mean? Saddam was saying

to the United States, he was like one of those fucking first round draft choices that's a bust. He was a bust for us. You know, he had a very promising college career and, uh, you know, he just, he just didn't have the passion. Actually, he was a very passionate guy. He just wasn't passionate on the wrong. I don't know who the fuck knows. I mean, it's all evil shit. That shit is just like, um, the most base level evil because they're not even trying to hide it. But I gotta tell you, when Trump was talking to that fucking guy there on from Fox news, Bill O'Reilly and Bill O'Reilly is giving him shit that he was friends with Putin, Putin or whatever his fucking name is. And he goes, the guy's a, he's a killer.

To have a fucking standing president go, well, look at this country. Look what we've done. My jaw hit the fucking ground. Like, is he actually going to say this? You can't say this. Everybody knows it's true, but you can't fucking say this. No, we only killed the bad people. The fuck out of here. It's all fucking evil. And that goes back to that fake news. That's why they need to take control of the fake news so they can spin it. You know what I mean? The guy, he came out of fucking nowhere. The Saddam Hussein, where we had a green light. He came out of fucking nowhere. Everybody does it. Everybody does it. You know what? And I fucking do it too. We're all spinning it. We're all spinning our own horseshit. We all think we're like,

I'm not going to speak for you guys, but I'm spinning my own bullshit, right? This is my favorite video. Anybody sent me in a long fucking time. Oh, by the way, if you want to watch that Saddam thing, I'll post all these videos. I don't know if I want to watch it. That stuff, I don't know. I don't like watching shit like that. All right, 109-year-old guy smokes cigars and drinks whiskey. Dear farm state bill, I know you have a life insurance policy test, but I thought you might want to see this. This 109-year-old guy smokes cigars all day, not saying it's great for everyone, but figured you'd want to hear. The title actually marginalized this guy's life. He's got a great attitude. He still drives. He's the oldest living World War

II veteran. You'd really enjoy this. He talks about having a truck for a long time and they show his old school TV with the giant dials. He keeps it all because it works and he likes it. Come to Boston. I fucking love this guy. He said at one point, he smokes 12 cigars a day. He goes, I don't inhale. So you inhale, he goes, you're getting trouble. The bottom line is, you know, whatever his genetics are, this works for him. Cause I know if I smoked 12 a day, first of all, I couldn't physically fucking do it, but he had, it's like a 79, look like a 78 or 79 Ford pickup truck. He had an old square TV that still had the legs on it from like the seventies. He built his house in like 1940. He still lives there. He said, I like the shit that I have.

It still works. So I'm not buying more shit. It's like what I'm trying to do now, get rid of all this extra shit that I bought. And I gotta tell you, watching this guy, watching his life is the life that I'm slowly moving towards. It's the life that I want. After running around like a fucking lunatic reacting to everything for the first fucking, you know, 40 something years of my life. Um, you know, I would like to slow down a little bit as far as being of, I mean, look, I'm still, I know all you guys are worried like, Oh God, he's going to slow down. He's not going to be fucking fine. I'm going to, I'm still going to completely fuck up. I'm still going to do dumb shit. I'm going to be fine, but I don't have to be walking around. I basically walked around stuck in fight

of flight mode, probably from the age of eight till now. And I don't know, it's a stupid, it's not, it's funny to observe, but it really wears on the people around you. And eventually it fucking wears you down. And it's just like the amount of fucking time that I have wasted arguing with people where they're not going to change their mind. I'm not going to change my mind. I've just, I've, uh, I'm done. I'm past that point in my fucking life and it feels fucking great. I just have to believe that I am. Um, I'm trying to do now when I flip up, because I know there's other angry cunts that listen to this and you listen to this because I'm an angry cunt too, it probably makes you feel better about

yourself. Um, which is why I love Bobby Knight. But you watch Bobby Knight, you're like, Oh my God, I'm a fucking saint. This guy, now this guy's got a temper that I'm telling you right now, and your wife ever gives you shit for having a temper. It's like, you think I got a temper? Just cut the, you can be married to that. And I love Bobby Knight, by the way. Um, so anyways, uh, I just now like, uh, I don't know, I try to, in the moment, I just try to fucking, like this is funny thing that happens. Like when my daughter, uh, you know, needs a diaper changed, it's like, you know, you hear him farting and everything. So you're thinking like, okay, that's definitely, uh, you know, and you, I'm without getting into the gross details,

just think you hear the fart and you think that's the gun sounding the end of the game. And then once you get into it, you realize that wasn't the gun sounding the end of the game or even the end of the half. That was the sound of the fucking jets flying over the game over the stadium, right after the fucking national anthem and the games about ready to begin. Um, I had a left pad save yesterday blocker cheese block, save my wall, took it all on my shirt and all that. It's just like, it's fucking unbelievable. And whenever that happens, like a couple of times, I went like, yeah, she, why'd you tell me to come in? She's still going like she could tell like this, any way for my wife to know whether my daughter is done

going to the bathroom or not. She's got no fucking idea. And I apologized. And, uh, I just addressed that I was angry and I, and I did it two more fucking times. And now, now I got it down. Now I just say something as I walk up to the changing table at three or four in the morning. And I just basically say, if she's not done, and, you know, this is not anybody's fault. This is just part of having a kid. Don't flip out. And I see how that works for me tonight. That's just basic. I just, uh, before I just kept it all in my head. And then it becomes like it isn't, it's sort of, it's sort of real, but isn't, I just find when I say it out loud, then I can fucking address it. And, uh, so we'll see that.

But, uh, I gotta tell you, I actually fucking really enjoy, uh, changing diapers and everything. We gave my daughter her first bath ever, right in the kitchen sink, old school style. I'm sure we're supposed to have like a fucking hazmat suit team come in and disinfect the sink and she's supposed to wear a helmet and some scuba gear, but, uh, that's not how we're bringing her up. We're going, we're going old school. I've been playing music for her and everything. Got this exercise ball and really just kind of puts her to sleep. And I just play music and she just totally chills out. Um, the stuff that she's enjoyed so far. She, she likes herbie Hancock. I was playing some Billy Cobham, some of this shit I'd just been listening to. Um, what else has she been

listening to? Some of the pop stuff she really likes. I think they just like music in general. They're just kind of like, what the, what is that? And, uh, I don't know. It's getting to that point. She's just starting to be able to look around and he kind of sit there going like, I think she's actually looking at me right now. Then, as you make eye contact, like, Hey, are you fucking looking at me? Her eyes just kind of drift away and look at something else. I'm like, I guess I'm still like an acid trip when she looks at me. Um, but anyways, we're having a great time. And even though I'm not getting any sleep, um, it's totally fucking worth it. And, uh, it's, it's, I'll tell you if you're, if you're an older dad, it's not as fucking hard. They try to say, Oh

my God, you're old and going to try to do this. It's like, yeah, I'm old and I have a house. You know, I'm not some fucking struggling 20 something. You know what I mean? Fucking broke kid trying to pay off student loans. And then you have a kid, people in their twenties, if they complain about having a kid, I, I, yeah, without a doubt, I'll listen to that. But if you're in your thirties and forties, you gotta go fuck yourself. All right. That's it. Okay. That's the podcast for, uh, for Monday. Once again, please check out Nick DiPaolo special, um, on CISO this Thursday at eight PM. I'm telling you, he's one of the best of his generation and one of the best of the last fucking,

whatever one of the fuck he started 30 years ago. Um, one of my favorites and it's, uh, it's an honor to be able to plug his special. All right. So check it out. Your cunts. I'll check it on you on Thursday.