Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 2-14-22

Episode Date: February 14, 2022

Bill rambles about the Super Bowl, elastic waistbands, and bank robberies.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, February 14th. Oh, it's the ladies day, 2022. Two, two, two. Shout out to all the ladies today. This is your second Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, or whatever else you celebrate. This day is for the ladies, where all the men celebrate our relationship with you, our relationship together. Yet for some reason, the financial burden is all on us. Oh, Jesus Christ, you wouldn't believe what my lovely wife just said to me. I had some friends over, we watched the game. We're sitting outside with smoking sticks afterwards. And she cleaned up the kitchen, right? And then, you know, as she should, no, she cleans up the kitchen, right? Where they belong,

kidding. And she says to me afterward, she just goes like, she goes, she goes, I did the whole, you know, I cleaned up all the kitchen, but blah, blah, blah. She goes, she goes, tonight was your Valentine's Day. I mean, can you fucking believe that? You fucking did some dishes and you cleaned up and like, that's what you did for me. You know, I mean, gee, they did. That's what they used to do every fucking day. And I earned your shirt. Unbelievable. So I guess that was my Valentine Day, not to mention the other night, she has wonderful friends over and they were supposed to watch a movie. And they didn't, you know, women, they start fucking talking. And they never stop. And they're down the kitchen,

it's echoing upstairs. We got the kids sleeping. Oh my God, she would have raised holy hell if I did that. I was literally upstairs in bed. I'd made a head sandwich with two fucking pillows. And I was going, can you at least fucking, you know, go to the back room? She doesn't see it, you know, whatever. Do I fucking break her ovaries about that? No, no, I do not. No, I do not. Nah, she's fucking awesome, but she's just fucking cracked me up. Oh, is that all you had to do? Wash a couple of fucking spoons and a few dishes. Happy Valentine's Day. Thanks for flying out to East bumpfuck every other weekend telling your shit jokes. Did I tell you lately that I love you? Did I wash a saucer and a cup? I put them in the rack. I did not dry them. You came in afterwards

and finished the job. This is your Valentine's Day. What the fuck? Anyway, let's get on to football. By Valentine's Day, she puts up with me. All right. And you know, that's the truth. And I'm not saying this because I know she's probably listening to this. No, that's true. She does put up with me and I am a lot. I am a lot, you know, it all balances out. I do a lot and then I am a lot and it negates it. You know, it's funny, we, so we're sitting outside, we're smoking cigars and you know, the second you sit down with your buddies to smoke your cigars, what's going to happen? Your wife's going to come out and be like, could you come inside for a second with that tone that makes everybody's fucking asshole go like, oh, shit, my buddy's

in trouble. So I come in and she goes, uh, our daughter is coughing. She has dust all over and she's having problems sleeping. She just came down and I look at my daughter. She has dust on the end of her nose. It's all on her sleeve and it's all in her fucking hair. And I'm like, what the, is there something coming down from the ceiling? I don't know. I go, go check the ceiling and she gives me the look, which means you go check the ceiling. So I go up there. There's nothing on the ceiling. I'm looking at her stuffed animals. There's no problem. So then I go first 48 on my kid and I'm like, did you get out of bed? And she's like, no. And I just cocked my head and I gave her the fucking, you know, the rock, put the eyebrow up

and I just give her the look and she goes, I go, did you go over the window? You know, cause we were sitting in the backyard and she was like, yes. So I walk over to the curtains that came with the house and I just go on the inside of the curtains and I drag my fingers down and it's the exact same dust. I'm like, there you go. That's what it was. Right? So now my wife has to give a shot. By the way, I gave my daughter the bath. Have I told you lately that I did shit too? Did I rub it in your face and say I'm not taking you out to dinner now? Cause I gave our kid a bath and I put her to bed. I've done my bullshit for the year. I did not do that. I walked in there like Sherlock and Holmes figured it out, figured it out in two fucking

seconds. You know, it's solved. Granted, my daughter had to take another bath, but you know, whatever shit happens. So whatever, I go back downstairs. So, but anyway, first and foremost, congratulations to your Los Angeles Rams Super Bowl 56 NFL champions for the year 2021 into 2022, whatever you say. Sean McVeigh, Sean McVeigh, no more naysayers. The wonder kid. Oh, you know, we went to a Super Bowl, but he lost, you know, I don't know. I was doubting the guy. I was going, you know, I don't know about this guy. He's a good looking guy. He's young and everybody got excited. I don't know. I played Pop Warner football in third grade for a couple of weeks before my dad saw the CTE coming and he pulled me out. Very smart move on his behalf. Thank you very much to him.

You also probably saw the way I was running, but you know, the reason why I was running that way is because he bought me an adult size cup and I was in fucking third grade and I swear to God, not only could you not fucking kick me in the balls, I wouldn't feel it. You also couldn't give me a roundhouse to my hips. The fucking thing was so big. I wouldn't have felt anything, but I was also running down the field like I'd been riding horses. You know, I want to play wide receiver and I ended up fucking playing the offensive line. These kids got no wheels. That's what they said. Everybody, remember the first day of practice, everybody run down to that fence and come back and I'm fucking waddling and these fucking kids,

I was beaten in outdoor recess. I'm like, why the fuck are they running so goddamn fast? This helmet must be heavy. And I kept the cup, the jog strap because I wanted to fucking play and that dream never happened. It just sat my underwear drawer and then one day I was in high school and I was looking at the thing and I'm like, wait a minute and I fucking put it on. I'm like, Jesus Christ, he bought me the adult size. But because of that fuck up, other avenues opened and now I tell shit jokes and fucking from here to Albuquerque up to fucking Duluth over to fucking Saskatchewan out to Perth. I've been all over, I've been everywhere, man, telling my fucking shit jokes. So anyway, congratulations to Sean McVeigh living up to the hype. He coached a great game. It was

a fucking great game. I don't want to hear any bullshit about the officiating because that fucking wide receiver on the Bengals, that was one of those slickest fucking face masks. I can't get mad at that ref for missing it. He gave me, oh, what's that over there? Huh? He tapped him on the shoulder and he helped his head go around. So they got a touchdown there. So I can't get mad at that tiki-tak first hold call that they called at the end of the fucking game. And then those other ones that they called the Bengals were doing it. I was a Joe Burrell Bengals guy and all of that. Condolences to the Bengal fans. I'll get to you guys in a second. I got to give LA props. You won a fucking title with the goddamn motherfucking Lakers. You won a title with the Dodgers. I've

always liked the Dodgers because the Red Sox could never beat the fucking Yankees back in the day. And so I rooted for them in 77, 78 and an 81 and 88. I always rooted for them. I love Tommy La Sorda and I also love the Dodgers. I always, you know, Dusty Baker, Ronse, Davey Lopes. I loved all of them. Steve, Bill Russell. I loved all of those guys. Was it also Bill Russell, Bill Russell, the Celtic, but it was also one of them there, a pitcher, Bill Russell, Fernando Valenzuela, Kirk Gibson, all of them. So you won that and there's one other one. You won some, you won a couple of cups. They won the Stanley Cup, a World Series, a Super Bowl and an NBA title.

You know, I know they have two fucking NBA teams, but it's the fucking Clippers. You know, they didn't win in San Diego. They haven't won here either. But anyway, home teams of the NFL, when they play at home in the Super Bowl are undefeated. Two years in a row. Congratulations to Matthew Stafford. All of those years playing for the Detroit Lions. The only guy who went in and got out alive since fucking Bobby Lane comes here and wins a fucking NFL title and made that trade, the Jared Goff trade. It just, they, they did it. Their defense played great. They held those front four for a while and then it just, then they just became a fucking problem. And congratulations to them. It was a great fucking

game. I knew it was going to be a good game. Some people were saying a blowout, the Rams and all of that. It was a really fascinating game where there was like a moment there other than Odell Beckham's yards where it was just like, it's like, is a running back going to have the most fucking receiving yards in this game? And I got to tell you how many fucking, how many fucking times were they going to get beat on that day? The third check down with that fucking running back, just standing out there for the screen pass. That was, though, that was money for them all day long. Just an amazing game and condolences to Cincinnati Bengal fans. Here is the upside. Your defense play good enough. Joe Burrow, I mean, you got the quarterback of

the future. You got a golden boy there under center. You got the running back. You got the receiving court. Gee, what will you be drafting next year? What are you moving up in the draft for that offensive line, man? It just, you know, granted, they were going up against the best, but they also delivered, you know, against the chiefs after the embarrassing performance against the Titans. But it was just, it was just a fucking great, great game. And there's nothing more to say. And I am a Bengals fan now. I'm always a Patriots fan, but I'm rooting for the Bengals because I love their history. And I was really hoping that the error that Paul Brown, one of the few errors he ever made, make letting Bill Walsh go

and bringing the offense that he created out to the 49ers that then became known as the West Coast offense. It was developed in Cincinnati. And I was really hoping that they were finally going to get their ring. But I think that they have one in the future. They just, all they need is an offensive line. They got everything else. They got the coach, they got the owner, obviously got the great fan base and all that type of shit. And it was just an awesome, awesome, awesome game. And we had a great Super Bowl party in prompt two, because there was a couple guys, buddies of mine came into town, what happened? They were trying to get tickets and everything. And it was like fucking six grand for nosebleeds. Or you could just stay at home on a flat screen TV, hit pause and all

of that shit. I missed the halftime show, but I saw a little bit of Dr. Dre and Snoop and like LA really did the halftime show, right? And I think it's so awesome that all of those legends from LA and the amount of shit they got when they first came out, Snoop and WA, all of those guys, it was so great that they got to go up there and fucking do what they should have been able to do a long time ago. So that was great too. It was just a fucking great game all the way around. And we had up having this great Super Bowl party, we had squares going, we had some food and oh, Billy, oh, Billy fucking Shakespeare, I got an acting gig coming up. So I've been dropping weight. I didn't have any Super Bowl food whatsoever. I have my special fucking freckles meals. And I

ate those things. I actually at one point almost gave in, but instead I had an apple and some peanuts. My one sin was I had one of those mini root beers afterward when I was smoking a couple of cigars with my buddies. And it was great. Everybody had a good time. Nia bets some squares. So she was in on the game and everything. And at the end of the night, everybody was laughing at my kids just running around their pajamas chasing each other. And, you know, I was really proud of my kids, man, they're just social. They're smiling, they're happy, they know that they're loved. You know, I broke the curse, you know, of, you know, the shut down emotion that is trickled down through, you know,

through generations, not even I'm not shit on my family tree. I'm just saying, you know, how I grew up versus how they're growing up. So it's good. And it made me feel good that I waited as long as I did to become a dad. So I worked out enough of my bullshit that I'm seeing my kids running around being happy and not like all freaked out by company and shit. My daughter was a little shy at first, but then she was she was fine. I'll tell you what was cool this week is I got my daughter around on the skateboard for the first time, had her all padded up and everything. And she just just fucking took right to it. She loved she was a little nervous at first I had to hold her hand and everything. And by the end,

she'd get herself going and then she would let go and she would fucking crouch down a little bit like she saw she's been watching kids skateboard on on YouTube and everything. So she was crouching down doing the whole thing. She had big ear to ear smile. And you know, she was, you know, telling my wife to come out on the porch and watch her and my son was yelling down at her and stuff and everybody was clapping when she was skateboarding and stuff. And we came up to driveway I said to her, I was going, you know, I'm so proud of you doing great. You know, he did great and all that stuff, right? So I said to I said to her when she was being shy. I said, you know, I showed everybody your skateboard because I had to take a video the

first time she was going, right? I was like, I showed everybody your video and how great you did. And she said, and she said to me, she goes, did they all watch it? And were they proud of me? She actually spoke about herself in the third person. It was hilarious. So anyway, and I found out they got a bunch of skateboard parks out here. So that's what I'm going to be doing. I'm not working on this. This movie is taking her to those things. So anyway, I am, I am locked in today was the, that was the big, was the big today was the big, the big test test. Today was the big test with the, with the Super Bowl fucking party and all of that shit where I was just like, am I going to be able to lay off? Oh man, what I laid off. Oh,

there this fucking buffalo, something dip. There were wings. They had the mozzarella sticks. My favorite takes me back to the East coast, even though they don't fucking make them right out here. What else did we have? What else didn't I eat? Oh, there was chips. There was desserts. There was booze. There was booze. All my old friends were there. The bourbon, the beers, the brown, the clear, it was all going. Everybody was having a good time. And all fucking, fucking Johnny, Apple seed was sitting there eating a fucking apple and peanuts. What are you going to do? It is what it is. I hate it at night, but I like it in the morning when you wake up,

you know, you'll wake up and your stomach's a little flatter. You start looking in the mirror. I still got it right. Yeah. If I wanted to, I could make the taxi squad or one of these fucking teams. Speaking of taxi squads, how the fuck my one criticism of the Bengals, how the fuck do you take a penalty? You're not even in the game. You're not even wearing a uniform. I missed that because I was giving my daughter a bath and shit. I missed the very big, the very end of the half. I guess this guy ran out on the field to celebrate an interception. Jesus fucking Christ. If that guy was still on the sidelines for the rest of the game, I don't know. I don't know what I have to say about my new adopted franchise, the Cincinnati Bengals.

It was the Tampa Bay Buccaneers for obvious reasons with Tom Brady and Gronkowski and all of them, but now that the great Tom Brady has retired, you know, I got to go with the Bengals. I'm rooting for the Pats and rooting for the Bengals, and I'm hoping, you know, Mack Jones keeps improving and all of that type of stuff, and then we have great showdowns with them, you know, that the Joe Burrow, Mack Jones thing becomes what the great Peyton Manning, Tom Brady battles were. Either way, if just as a football fan, it's great to see, you know, another what looks like great quarterback coming along. You know, it's great for the game. It's great for the game. You got to have the great field

generals, the Patrick Mahomes, all of them to step in when the Drew Breezes retired, speaking of retiring as a Bruins fan, I got to give a shout out to the great Tuca Rask. Colin, it quits at 34, not fucking over the Bruins realize, and he couldn't compete at a level that he wanted to compete at. And like a gentlemen class act that he was the whole time he was with the Bruins helped us win a Stanley Cup in 2011, breaking a 40 year drought. Just the way the guy conducted himself and all those deep playoff runs that we had, never would have had it without that guy. That guy stood on his head so many times for us. Another Bruin great retiring, my God. So the only two guys left are Marshawn and

Patrice Bergeron. By the way, do you guys see Marshawn? How fucking hilarious is that guy? I swear to God, that guy could have been a standup comedian. He would have been a great one. Just his instincts and how much he loves pissing off a crowd and just annoying people. He'd be fucking amazing. We're playing the Penguins, we lost, but at one point the Penguins goalie, he had a puck on his big dumb goalie stick, and I guess he was going to take it off and flick it into the crowd. I retweeted it. It's on my Twitter feed. Steve Byrne, big Penguins fan, great comedian, sent it to me. And the guy, the goalie, I guess he saw a Penguins fan, he was going to flip it into the crowd too and Marshawn skated by. Just slapped a puck down

and fucking took it away from him and then threw the puck. He's fucking hilarious, fucking hilarious. And somebody on Twitter wrote to me, said, I would rather watch five hours of pregame Super Bowl chatter than watch Brad Marshawn play hockey. And I just was fucking laughing. I'm like, that's how good he is at his job. He's so good at his job. He even gets under the skin of people who aren't even playing in the fucking game. I mean, it's a fucking genius, fucking genius, what that guy does. And then plus whenever he does his fucking bullshit, I love when penguin fans get all upset. You know, saying he's dirty and blah, blah, blah. And I always have, I can always end that argument. I just go, he's dirty. You have all Samuelson in your ring of honor.

You can say a lot of things about all Samuelson honor should never be anywhere near that guy's fucking name. And you have them there. You had Matt cook on your team. Just career enders. What the fuck is Marshawn doing? Huh? Getting under your skin licking faces and slapping pucks down. I don't want to fucking hear it goes low every once in a while. I mean, what's he supposed to do? He is low. Is he supposed to hit you high? I'm a little biased. I fucking love that guy. So anyway, shout out to him. This is all Billy good mood. I'm in a good mood. I'm in a great fucking mood. Dropping goddamn fucking all the sins I committed in my during my quarantine. I had this period I was going through, man, where I would just, it was the best, but it was stupid. I was fucking,

you know, me and my wife, these ice cream sandwiches that we loved. Bad enough, it was an ice cream sandwich. It was ice cream and with like two chocolate chip cookies for the sandwich. And that just became like our go to, you know, like I wouldn't go to the grocery store and just buy two. I would stock up like I do with cigars. So I'd have some, right? And we just every night, we'd be like, we're not having an ice cream sandwich. And then it'd be like, you want an ice cream sandwich? And she looked at me with her cute face and be like, yes. And that's what I was doing at my age. You can't do that. And you know, the great thing, the funny thing about putting on weight is you just don't notice. You know, it's like you don't notice

yourself aging and because you look at yourself in the mirror every day. So you just don't notice it until somebody sends a picture from three, four years ago, you're like, fuck, what happened? What the fuck happened? That's the same thing with weight. You don't think anything's happened. And you're like, I'm fine. Look at me. I'm all right. You know, you do that thing where you sort of push down your shirt. Yeah, I'm all right. Look at me. I'm okay. It's coming down. It's not that bad, right? And your wife loves you. She's like, no, you look good. You look good. And then one day, you have some sort of event where you got to fucking wear a suit, you pull out those, that pair of slacks you always put on. Doesn't matter if somebody's getting christened or somebody fucking

died or you got a quarter appearance, you pull out your slacks from the back of the closet. And they got that little fastener thing, whatever the fuck that's supposed to be. You know, of course, it's made out of the weakest metal ever. So if you can't even get it shut, it fails on you. Yeah. I put on my fucking great pants. And like, I couldn't even get him to touch. And I was like, you got what the fuck did I do? And I got on the scale and I was a buck 90. I'm supposed to be about 170 to 168 ones. 172 is my wheelhouse, right? When I'm doing my little soliloquy is here in the fucking acting shit, right? And I went to go put those fucking things on. And I swear to God, I was like, are these, are these my son's pants? Like what the fuck happened?

So, and also I went to a wardrobe fitting too. And I'm putting the fucking pants on. I'm like, these are 34s. And like the wardrobe person's like, making that face like, yeah, yeah, they are. It's like, I'm still in the 30s, but I don't think I'm on this side of 35. You got fucking 36. You got the one of the worst things that happened for this country. And I think people in general, okay, okay, if I was a dictator, you know, and I would get rid of, I would get rid of jeans with those elastic sweat pant fucking waste things, because you can be 38 and fit into a 34. And you're walking around, I was at 32 in high school. I'm only, that's all right, two inches up. No, you're a fucking 38. I think I got to go back to wearing the original fucking Levi jeans,

the ones that cowboys wore around the campfire when we stole this country. I just say that just to get weird. We didn't take the country. What are you talking? We did. We did. We acted like we were friends. Okay. The Indians believed us. They taught us how to live outside. And that was it. All right, going back, they should have let us die. How do you live out here? I don't know. You know, you just got to, well, you figure it out. That's what they should. Hey, one of my favorite expressions. And this is so true in world history. No good deed goes unpunished. I don't know how to say that Native American, but I'm guessing that that fucking expression did not

exist amongst them because they, what do they teach us how to farm and all of that shit? Bad move, bad move. That was, that was the human being equivalent of Cincinnati University of University of winning the toss and giving the ball to Alabama with a high-spent trophy quarterback. It's just looking back should have taken the ball. I really just oversimplified genocide, didn't I? Yes, I did. Yes, I did. But you do not come on this podcast to listen to intellect, do you? You come on this podcast to feel better about yourselves. You know, I thought I was a dumb guy. I don't think I'm that bad. I'm basically mentally the same version of like the elastic waistband on a fucking pair of jeans. All right, with that, let's do some live reads here.

Live reads for Valentine's Day. It's for the ladies. It's celebrating our relationship with men's money. There's no feminist on fucking Valentine's Day, is there? Um, I would love to yell that at a feminist rally at the chick with the bullhorn. Hey, hey, sweetheart. Hey, honey, what did you call me? I called you sweetheart. And then I called you honey. This is typical. Can I just say this? And then, you know, this is a fantasy. So she actually shuts up like you're going to shut up a feminist with the fucking bullhorn. But in this fantasy, she shuts up and I say, Hey sweetheart, not for nothing. Who pays for your Valentine's Day meal

every year? And she be in the bullhorn like what? What did I I didn't hear what you said? You heard me. Who pays for your Valentine's Day meal? And that's a slippery slope because if she answers that, who pays the child support? Who goes up on the fucking roof and risks a broken neck every time a ball goes up there? Huh? Well, it's a fantasy. At that point, she goes, you know what? You're absolutely right. Ladies, maybe we need to tone this down a little bit. Um, and actually on her stake in a blowjob day. Does anybody know the date? Because I don't. All right. Policy genius, everybody. Policy genius. Are you home? Are you sorry? Are you're home? Are you're home in auto policies almost up for renewal? We're newer renewal. Let policy genius

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leave. Just do it or shut up about it already. Hey, look, you know, it took me a long time to get where I'm at. I'm working my shit out. Uh, dude, you should have your own TV show. It's scared straight meets therapy meets Dr. Phil. Um, oh, and I have tickets to see you soon on your current tour. So see you then. Fuck. Oh, I'm out. All right. Well, whatever, you know, it's going to take me a while to quit. I love them. I love them. I love them as much as I picked the Bengals and they got four points. Um, all right. Yeah, I know I am, I am, I keep saying I'm going to do it, but here's the thing. I got a movie coming up. So I won't, I won't smoke for like fucking six weeks and then I'll have it under control and I'll be fine. Um, I almost

have them out of my house. I keep having people over. What am I supposed to do? What the fuck am I supposed to do? I got to be a host, right? Um, these are all weak excuses. You're right. He's nice to me sometimes. After he hits me, he says he's sorry. You're right. You're right. You know, I gotta be, if I'm going to be totally honest here, I knew that that right there, I knew that email was coming. Um, I deserve it. I take full responsibility. I sound like the guy with the flip flops right now, probably talking to the media. Tell me that guy didn't shower quick and get the fuck out of the goddamn arena. Um, yeah, you're right. You're right. I needed that. I needed that nice slap in the face. You know, why not? Hey, join the fucking crowd.

You know, evidently, I just got my fucking Valentine's Day gift because my wife watched just watched a couple of dishes. Oh, I gotta get it back on the podcast again. Oh, I'm going to give her a couple of ideas. I'm going to float across the table. Um, Russia and landmass. We're actually going out to dinner on Valentine's Day, which is funny to me. So I'm going to be sitting there the whole time at dinner. I'm just going to be going like, just, just so I'm clear here. This isn't for me. This isn't for me. My, you know, this dinner is not for me. Okay. Am I allowed to eat Russia and landmass coming from Russia, everybody, Russia and landmass, or maybe just somebody going to tell me about Russia who doesn't

live there. Hey, Billy, big belly. Oh, I love the fat shaman. I love the fat shaman and now cigar shaming. You got, you're making me a better, more skinnier person, everybody. Um, during your NATO topic, you mentioned the Russian land grab and then not needing any more land. They are huge, but you should check out the true size.com because maps have to be transcribed onto flat paper. The size of countries is largely misrepresented. If you're going to fucking sit here and tell me that going from Asia into another continent is not a big country, if you're going to sit there and argue and say a lot of their land isn't used because it's mountainous and freezing fucking cold, I got an answer for that. Global warming. They should just chill out

and become really fucking cool. You know, they should, you know, pretty soon they're going to be growing weed and fucking Siberia. I think they're going to be all right. Anyway, the site lets you drag the selected countries to compare it to the other countries. For example, Mexico is way larger than it appears when you move it up to the US location on the globe. In any case, check out, and you'll see Russia is actually about the size of the USA when you include Alaska. Okay. I knew I shouldn't be afraid of these guys. Thanks for everything you do. Can't wait to see you in Washington this. Well, so then what are you saying then? What is your point? Okay. So the US still be doing land grabs then? Because we're only as big as Russia who is as

big as us. We both need to stop doing this shit. Thanks for everything you do. Can't wait to see you in Walla Walla Walla Walla Washington this May. It's not Walla Washington. Walla Walla. Surprising my best friend. Surprising my best friend with tickets for his birthday. So don't get the corona. Well, I got the shots, man, when I had it. I didn't even know I had it. Bank robbery story. I absolutely love this that people, you know something, by the way, the person talking about the maps, I've seen that shit before, like people trying to show how big Africa is and they put all these countries in there. I don't believe they put the United States in there. We barely took up the top of the map. And I don't remember Russia being in there. They

put China in there. Whatever. What do you guys want? What do you fucking hit me with geography shit for just because I've been to a bunch of places didn't mean I learned anything. Bank robbery story. Oh my God. Hey, Billy radish taint. God damn it. Do you guys ever run out of ginger jokes? I mean, this is fucking amazing. I've been doing this podcast since 2007. You motherfuckers every time I think we're out of vegetables, we're out of fucking all these different things you can call me my God, carrots, radishes. I mean, it just it just never stops. We're not even up to the top of the fridge. We're still in the crisper. You know, it's funny. I have a bright orange fucking refrigerator in my office too. I keep it real. Bank robbery story. Hey, Billy radish

taint. I got a bank robbery store story for your chalky powdered donut ass. This guy's just killing me with the food references here. I used to manage the teller line. Who would have thought that this was going to take off? This is fucking great. I want to hear from tellers and all the dumb ways people tried to rob your fucking bank banks. You think that this would trend more? You know what I mean? Somebody came in to rob a bank and it didn't fucking work. Wait a minute, did all the bank robbers just kind of go into like identity theft that they kind of do it on like the internet on the internet now, right? Anyway, I used to manage the teller line at one of the branches of a national bank, the one with the lawsuit. Which one? One day this guy with sunglasses and basketball hat

comes into the lobby and asked to see the manager like some shitty heist movie. The manager brings him into his office. 15 minutes later, the manager escorts the guy to a female teller and said, this man needs $25,000. The teller goes, yes, sir, do you have a debit card? The manager interrupts and says, no, just give it to him. The teller nods and starts counting the money, shaking. The guy begins to laugh at her. Tears start streaming down her face. I'm assuming it was the bank robber. Tears start streaming down her face. I immediately go back to the back and start hitting the silent alarms and telling the tellers at the drive up that we're being robbed. I go back to the front to tell the tellers what's happening when the phone rings. Before I can get it, another

teller who was known as the dumb fuck of the branch picks it up. Hello? What? We're not being robbed. No, everything's okay. Imagine the person was talking real loud too. Oh no, the security department checking on us. It's the security department checking on us. I'm behind him saying, hang up the phone, hang up the phone. He turns to me and goes, no, this guy says we're being robbed. The guy robbing us is 10 feet from us. I finally get the dumb fuck to give me the phone and I answer in the back and explain the robber leaves with the money. The manager says the guy had a gun. He said he's going to shoot everyone in here if we didn't give him the money. I asked the female teller if she put the tracker

in with the cash. She said she did. Oh God, the cops come and ask us questions and leave. We're all waiting around for hours. The cops come back with a bag of cash and two receipts saying they found the robber and a jack in the box down the street. Oh God, so who was dumber? One receipt was for a cab fare and the other was for a jumbo jack with extra large fries and a coke. The rest of the money was in the bag. I got to tell you, if you're going to go to jail, I mean, that's one of the best ways to get caught as far as like you just had a nice fucking jumbo jack and extra large and a coke that sounds that's almost at this point being on a diet worth doing a little time for. Thanks for all the years of laughs and good times. It means a lot

truly go fuck yourself. Another bank robbery story tellers please I got three of them two more coming here please for the love of comedy keep fucking writing these in. Did you guys ever see the one with a fucking idiot was standing in line to rob the bank? He walks in and he takes out like whip cream or shaving cream and sprays it all over his face and then stands in line. Believe it was on America's dumbest criminals I believe and he's standing there and it's they immediately hit the alarms. It's melting off of his face and when he walks up to the teller the fucking cops show up. What a fucking idiot sir can you clean that off your face for your mugshot please? All right bank robbery story. Dear Mr. Burr finally a little respect on this podcast love the podcast

this person says so back in the late nineties I was living in Tampa for college and worked at a bank near bush gardens what a great place to go to college Tampa huh fucking all the hot chicks walking around all the titty bars I mean you're not studying college is just a delay the rest of your miserable life so go have a good fucking time unless you're going after a dream other than that if you just picked a fucking major go to go to college in Tampa at least you'll have those memories Jesus that was negative sorry now so back in the late nineties I was living in Tampa for college and worked at a bank near bush gardens which you know in Tampa that might be the name of a fucking strip club I don't like the landing strip come on down to bush gardens wall the wall pubes

so after opening one morning a guy came in with his t-shirt pulled over his head he said think beefus doing cornholio there's a great reference I am cornholio I need tiki for my bunghole he walked up to the teller next to me and yelled give me hundreds and fifties she just froze and said what he had a tire iron in one he came in to rob the bank like he was going to clean up the neighborhood he had a tire iron in one hand and kept using the other to hold open the neck hole to see out of it it kept closing up because he was shaking so bad oh this poor bastard I said I think he wants your larger bills but this dumbass doesn't see this bulletproof glass I started laughing oh my god you just took but you took a gamble they didn't have anything else

the guy took the iron and hit the glass and didn't even scratch it he ran outside with nothing still attempting to hold the neck hole of his shirt open my manager was pissed but I said he wasn't my in my teller window so technically I did not cooperate with his with the demands dude you got a fucking law degree in your future man you should become a lawyer um anyway a detective came in with two FBI agents and they were watching the video they called me in when they saw me laughing on the video and asked what was said they laughed when I told I gotta get some FBI agents any FBI agent you want to come in just say you work for a certain service and I want to hear all your dumb fucking uh criminal stories um I got transferred to a

different branch a month later and that one didn't have glass in the lobby I'm sure of a fuck you planned by the manager absolutely they wanted you to get your mind right no this guy thinks he's all bulletproof behind the glass we're going to send him to a fucking our first bank from 1860 that we never fucking did a remodel on anyway ps now I'm a detective I was going to say I knew you had something beyond this job in your future I think of that day every time I go to a bank robbery come back to south florida soon wow wow you got balls man you got balls I mean yeah just fucking give them the money you put the fucking tracker in there and then you know go eat your brown bag lunch be happy nothing happened to you but thank god you didn't or else you know I

didn't have nothing to talk about during this part of the podcast Jesus Christ the dumb fuck doesn't what did you say to him I think he wants your larger bills but this dumb ass doesn't see the bulletproof glass well I guess once you have a fucking t-shirt over your goddamn head there's probably a good I good indication he doesn't have a gun all right funny quote robbery story uh yeah this this goes straight across if you want to store somebody tried to mug you or whatever I want to hear these ones um all right funny robbery story hey hey billy bear back in it burr so I used to work in a pizza place I really wish you said parlor for my accent a pizza that was very busy that was a very busy spot after the bar let out because we had huge slices

and we're open until 4 a.m well absolutely every town has the big slice of pizza back on the east coast you got to have it we used to have this great place in Boston one of the it was a great slice of pizza too it was basically a double wide slice of pizza it was this bar called dominix it was right across from the legendary nix comedy stop where I started 30 years ago on march 2nd and uh one of the big thrills in my life was when I got invited over there to hang out and I got to hang out with the late great Kevin Knox Frank Santarelli Don Gavin they were all there all the fucking legends and they'd be over there having a couple of pops and all you had to do is as a new comic was shut the fuck up buy a round and you get to hear some of the greatest

stand-up comedy stories ever and right next to the to the bar was a window it was a pizza place that was part of it and at the end of the night after you had a bunch of fucking drinks then you needed to air quote sober up that was back when we thought if you had a double slice of pizza you could actually drive a car 60 70 miles an hour down the fucking southeast expressway through the central lottery and you'd go over there and it was just the fucking best and it was just a bunch of drunk people drunk guys drunk chicks standing out there folding these slices and shoving it down our fucking pie holes oh that was one of the saddest days ever now there's a w hotel there a soulless w hotel it's so awful it's just so awful what corporations do to the vibes of towns

they just kill the fucking vibes and then because there's no vibe in their hotels they then have to create a vibe with with aquarium lighting or whatever the fuck it is they do over there all right funny robbery story um yeah the pizza place it was very busy spot after the bar let out because we had huge slices and were open until 4 a.m now while I worked there tons of employees came and went mainly because it was really long hours uh regular hours involved working 4 p.m to 4 a.m 4 to 4 wow so one night while working a dude came in with a bandana on his face and he yells at me give me all the money while his hands is in his pockets that looked like he had a gun without even thinking I say go fuck yourself and then he starts laughing

takes the bandana off and asks how'd you know it was me apparently he used to work there but I had no clue who he was he took me it took me a second to even recognize him after telling me this so if this had been a real robber I would have either just thwarted him by standing firm or would have got my ass beat or killed people there is no fucking reason to ever get killed in a robbery on purpose okay don't listen to these stories and be like I want to have a funny story so I can write into a podcast please do not do any of this shit um especially if you're working 4 p.m to 4 a.m slinging fucking pizzas and hash to a bunch of drunks anyways just thought it was funny thought it was funny it's fucking legendary just thought it was funny that I was so pissed

that someone tried to rob us that I had no regard for my own safety please tell me they at least gave you employee the fucking month give me all the fucking money go fuck yourself I don't even feel like I can you know in honor of you I'm not going to say go fuck yourself because you already did it to end this podcast that is amazing so please keep your uh if I was a dictator things coming in tell me your robbery stories because uh these are amazing all right that's the podcast everybody uh once again congratulations to the Los Angeles Rams Shawn McVeigh all of those guys oh my god so I I even forgot half the drama of the game Odell Beckham getting hurt was having the game of his life uh so great to see him get a ring um 99 I forget his fucking name I shouldn't

but I'm you know I got two kids under the five and I'm in I don't know anybody's names anymore he reeked havoc and he got himself a ring very happy for them Cooper cup all of those guys um and like I said the Bengals are going to be a problem in the future they just got to get an offensive line um I mean if they have an offensive line they're Super Bowl champions right now man that's just uh so they are they are that fucking close and I know as much as Bengal fans were excited to get Joe Burrow in the draft there's no fucking way especially if that knee injury you thought you were going to make it all the way to the Super Bowl in just his second year and not only that he beat the Kansas City Chiefs that fucking juggernaut offense uh he went total total with them and

their defense stopped them um in the AFC Championship game so nothing to hang your heads about uh but we've all been there his fans having your team lose the big one it sucks but uh nothing but bright stuff in the future I'm not even going out on a limb everybody knows that um that is it uh that is the podcast you know what I usually say but in honor of that guy making pizzas for 12 hours helping all those people air quotes sober up uh you guys have a wonderful couple of days and I'll check in on you on Thursday