Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 2-15-21

Episode Date: February 15, 2021

Bill rambles about Valentine’s Day cards, long-winded recipes, and reads some angry emails.

Ikea, tip of the week. If you'd like to get a gift, you can count on us. Because until April 15th, Ikea family members will get a free children's menu at the purchase of a warm meal for adults. Happy day after Valentine's Day, happy after Valentine's Day. I can't fucking sing. I didn't work out the lyrics, everybody. Valentine's Day is over. That's great.

You got through it. You know, she won't put the screws to you and bring up the fucking pressure. What is w- oh, Bill's going in. Is he going in? Oh, he's standing up. He's taking off his coat because he's an old man and he was a little chilly. The coat is coming off. Oh, I got something to say. I'm an old man and you kids should listen to me.

I don't understand. What is with the ladies, the fucking pressure? Constantly, they were in the full court fucking... What do they call that? I don't know anything about basketball. Full court fucking defense, whatever you call it. Full court press. Who the fuck knew Kent, Kentucky was 5 and 13? I didn't know that.

They usually got that one fucking guy ready to just, you know, explode. You know, John Calipari comes walking in. He's like, I'm going to tell you right now, lady. That kid right there is going to be the NBA in one year. He just has to come here. Then he's going to go there. I'm going to go to the draft with them. All right? Let's call it spade of spade. College is bullshit.

All right? They're building entire fucking wings of universities off of kids with talent like your son. He's going to be the NBA. Millions of dollars. His own sneaker line. Horses waiting for him after every game. All he got to do is get one season here. One season here in Kentucky. You understand me? You understand what I'm saying here? Just have that kid come to Kentucky.

He throws down on a couple of skinny white kids from fucking DePaul. And then he's going to be in the NBA. He's going to be number one draft. He's going to be number one draft. And he's going to buy you a fucking Cabana. Ten times the size of this shit hole you're living in. But he's got to come to Kentucky. You understand me? That's usually what happens every year. And then the kid goes. And then that's it.

And he fucking won it. Done. John Calipari goes to the NBA draft. There you go. You know, with his little shark skin fucking suit. We had it all. And then we fucked it up. I think they won the other day. I was watching the game. Six and 13.

Six and 12, whatever the fuck they are. That is unacceptable! Unacceptable! What are you going to do next? Make some bourbon without 51% corn? Um... Anyway, yeah, ladies with the fucking... Oh my God. When you're married, you kind of love Valentine's Day in a way.

You know? I waited until today to get a card. I was going to get one the other day. And I was just like, I ain't fucking sifting through all that shit. So, of course, today I got to go... You know, I got to go walk over to the... I go for my old man walks. You know what I mean?

It's important for a man of a particular age to shuffle his feet down the fucking street. You know what I mean? Stare down a couple of squirrels. Make yourself still feel like a man. Right? So I go down there to buy some bounce. Some downy bullshit for fucking laundry.

I got to get her a card, right? So I go there, of course, all of Valentine's... Not only Valentine's Day cards all gone. They just fucking gone. There's nothing left. So I'm like, whatever. I usually just buy a blank one anyway. I always thought it was fucking stupid.

You're going to buy a card that someone else wrote a bunch of heartfelt shit and sort of captured what you felt. And it's funny, you know, the amount of shit that your woman gives you, for some reason, they never sit there and think when they're reading that card that there's

thousands of other women out there reading the exact same shit and putting it down going... Somebody else wrote it. Somebody else wrote all of that who doesn't even fucking know you. But you know what it is? It's not what it's about.

They want you to take time out of your fucking day to go down there, read a bunch of them, stand in fucking line, wait for those old people who were trying to fucking get their instant fucking camera thing developed

and have the manager come out to try to explain to them that they've had the camera for eight years and the technology has moved on so they give them a free fucking ice cream. Of course they don't. They make them pay for that too, the corporate cunts. So I go down there and all the cards are gone. So I don't, you know,

I don't panic. I don't give a fuck, right? What do I do? I can... Valentine's Day cards left. I'm just going to buy the stupidest fucking card I can find and I'm just going to stare into it. So,

you know, it's like happy birthday mom, happy birthday dad, stupid shit like that. I'm like, that's not going to work, that's not going to work. And then I got to the congratulations section. I'm like, all right, I'm seeing an opportunity here. So I saw one of these cards. It said congratulations, blah, blah, blah.

Then you opened it up and had a song. Happy birthday, good times, come on. Boo, doo, doo, doo. Doo, doo, whatever, right? I'm like, nah, that's not the one. And then I just saw one that said congratulations. Yeah, yeah, woohoo, boo boo boo. That was dumb shit.

Congratulations to you. That's what it said on the inside. And then I just wrote, you married me. Then I wrote in French, I am the best and you know it. Love, Bill, that's what I wrote. But then I wrote a bunch of nice shit on the side.

She thought it was fucking hilarious. And then I just realized that's what I'm going to do from here on out. I'm going to buy the wrong card for the wrong occasion. On her birthday, I'm going to get her a get well soon. Just, I don't give a fuck. I'm so, I fucking hate, you know,

I like buying the blank ones and it's not about the stupid card. It's about what you feel. So you write it. So what am I doing? You know, you know what's funny is she got me a blank one. She went to some French shop.

She actually took the time. She took the time, all right. What are you going to do? Okay, but I'm podcasting. I'm paying the fucking bills here. I don't got time to fucking, no, I kind of spaced. I forgot. We've actually had years

where we just didn't get each other's cards and it's like, you want to just not get each other cards? That's our gift to each other and it's fucking great. Stupid ass goddamn holiday. And we always do like, we would go out to dinner like the weekend after when there was like nobody there instead of going out on Valentine's Day

and playing three times the fucking cost, you know, and just sitting there looking at all those guys sweating it out. Their last night of freedom, just fucking full court press. That's what I was looking for. You know what would be fucking great

is if you go to a Valentine's Day, a Valentine's Day dinner with your girlfriend and you bring John Calipari and he just sits across and we just say, listen lady, if you just hang in here for one more year, this kid's going to show up with a diamond ring that's going to make you think

that you just made the NBA, right? And not be a fucking cunt tonight. Can you just do that? Do that for me, okay? You give me 12 months. 12 months and not being a fucking absolute pain in the ass. He'll show up next Valentine's Day, right? All right? Ah, he's right. You know, and that big bank pull, you're all done.

All right? Enjoy your edamame. Yes, anyway, so then I'm coming back, you know, going by like the 10 fucking cities and then just one of those white church singers I hear singing at this church, you know? One of those just more vibrato than you ever want to fucking hear in your life.

I was like, what is that fucking sound? And then the breeze was blowing so I could smell the people in the 10th city, you know? It's like fucking nuts. It's fucking nuts, man. That people have to live like that. You know? Fucking crazy, right?

So, I don't think it's funny that they're living that way right outside of a church and everybody's in there singing about God. And I don't know, what can you do to help those people? Get them out of there. Jesus Christ. I've pulled up to a stop sign and I'm fucking

sitting there, stoplight, and I look over there's two people in a tent with smartphones texting. And I had everything I do. I couldn't roll down the window and be like, hey, how do you charge those sticks? Um, you got something I don't know about? Um, you're just sitting there

looking at human beings living in a tent on the side of a fucking street. Unreal. See, I see that, right? And then I'm walking up the street and what do I see? I see fucking the no mask guy coming down the street. Big dumb, stupid fucking baby Huey looking jackass, right?

You know what I mean? Big fucking like that guy from full metal jacket with like hair, you know, instead of buzz down. And I've never given anybody shit. I've given people looks, but this, you know what it was, was the fucking

asshole. He stays on the sidewalk and I have to get off, right? Like I work for him. So he just walks by, he's on the phone, you know, didn't even make an effort to get out of the fucking way. I'm clearing the way for him like I'm afraid of him or like

he's like the fucking governor or some shit. So I just he walked by and just go no mask. All right. And then fat so waited like until I was like 20 yards away. He's like, yeah, no mask. All right. And then I wanted to turn around and be like, yeah, yeah, no diet either.

Then he would have been, yeah, no hair. And I would have been like, hey, that hurts my feelings, man. I didn't. I was just like, whatever. What am I going to do? Huh? Punch him in his fat fucking liver.

Dumb fuck. It's just what it is. It is what it is. God bless these fucking doctors coming up with these vaccines. God bless them. Okay. Because there's just too many fucking stupid people out there. Big if you just saw this guy, big stupid

like there's no God people. There's no good. Why would he make that big stupid fat fuck walking around a pandemic right down the fucking street with no mask on? I don't

know. If there is a God, he just doesn't give a shit. You know, and I really want to talk to him about his quality of work. Um, anyway, but when he said, yeah, no

mask, it kind of fucking pissed me off, right? Like, like, you know, I'm the old guy telling him to turn his music down. You know, and like meanwhile, like my daughter's in every, you know, a kid's got to fucking wear masks that can't go outside and play with other

kids because of fat fucking stupid fucks like this guy. Just stupid fucking selfish cunts. Stupid fucking selfish cunts. You know something? There's not, there's nobody worth anything that's in the medical

field that will not tell you not to put on a fucking mask. It's unbelievable how fucking and that fat fuck is going to get this shit and then go down to the hospital and get treated. They shouldn't. They'd be like, oh, I don't want to tell you fatty.

You know what? There's the thing is I've been really working hard. You wouldn't know it from this podcast. I've been working hard to not carry around that guy's shit. So I'm doing this because I have nothing to talk about because I'm doing

nothing like you guys. I'm just staying in my fucking house. So I got to talk about this guy, but you know, the old me would have thought about that guy you know, for like a week

like literally murdering him. Not even my fantasy. I can't murder somebody because as much as I talk about God and shit, I still have that Catholic upbringing of what you're not supposed to kill somebody, right? But, and after a week it would fade away just because I would just now be mad at somebody else.

And then what would happen is I would be thinking about that guy on and off for the rest of my life, sitting in my car, all of a sudden something would remind me of him. And I would, and I would just

tell him off to my car windshield for the rest of my fucking life. And it's taken me my whole life to realize how fucking stupid that is. I mean to say it out loud it's ridiculous. But I don't know, I need to keep saying that because

I can't fucking do this shit anymore. Standup used to help with it because that guy and I ended up getting a fucking bit out of it. Something like that, you know, but I don't know. I got no fucking idea. But I am excited this week

because I do have now that they've sort of opened it up a little bit, you know, for these mass socially distant shows. I'm at least back to kind of being able to do a show every once in a while. So I got a couple of tune-up shows

I'm going to be doing out in Venice and then I'm going to do this benefit. Got to make sure I'm on my game for that. People are paying for it. Like I said, for A.J. Quetta, and it's the Nowhere Com, www.Nowhere is it Nowhere Comedy

is that what it is? What the fuck I said? Yeah, NowhereComedy.com N-O-W-H-E-R-E comedy.com for tickets the show is on February 20th. I'm going to dress up. Oh, yeah. Act like

I'm back out on the road or whatever. You know what's funny? I went up to a buddy's place What the hell was it? I think I told you guys this went up to watch a Bruins game four old guys sitting like 20 chairs away from each other he let her fucking mass on hilarious

and I just went up there and I saw I just saw all the the fucking fast food places on the way up there and I was just like fuck I missed the road. Isn't that funny? Just look at that shit

shit I can't even eat anymore like oh man I just I missed just being out on the road going look at all this poison what the fuck am I supposed to eat? I actually missed that doesn't make any sense whatsoever so this is how bored

I am. I actually was looking up French cuisine just to have something different to cook and I saw this amazing I came in with the fuck it was called it's a breakfast thing let me look it up

let me look it up God knows we all have the time to wait for me to do this right? It's not like anybody's got anything to fucking do anymore let's see here French cuisine breakfast

dish madam oh there you go croque madame sandwich and I was like look at that thing it's a sandwich that's got a fucking egg over on top so I wanted to learn how to do it and I said

I go mania look at this check this out she goes oh yeah croque madame it's annoying about my wife I love her to death but you can't fucking discover anything that she doesn't already know I could find the most obscure band ever on the internet she'd be like oh yeah

yeah I've been following them for three months I was so excited to show her that that I was going to make it she's just like oh yeah I've had that before I used to have that back in New York you know it's like alright whatever so anyway had a good day today

a lot of quality time with my little son there he's trying to rip my beard off he's such a funny kid man like little after having a little girl just having a little boy man they're crazy

not crazy they're just like they just like plow forward tear through shit like you know what's hilarious he doesn't like bibs you put one on him and if he's in a mood to have it he just grabs it

and starts yanking it until the fucking it just the snap like it fails he rips it off like a little Hulk Hogan and me and my wife his face gets all red he's like he just rips the fucking

thing off and as funny as it is I'm like I hope that's not going to be like you know it's kind of funny now but Jesus Christ I'm 16 years from now

when he asks us to use the car and they say no is he going to rip my fucking arms off funny but a little unsettling not going to lie to you so anyways I got to go back with the fat fuck not wearing the mask you know it's not just fat fucks okay I don't want to fat

fat shame mass shame right pile on with the shame in here I drove by parked the other day right driving around I got nowhere to go fucking right I drive by this park and there's a there's a fucking yoga class and everybody's

Matt is like fucking you know Matt everybody's Matt is just like it's not six feet apart fucking morons you know you can stay in your apartment just do yoga why don't you do that I get that you want to get out put a fucking mask on go for a walk you can have it down around you know around your neck

somebody goes by you just put it on how fucking hard is that it's too hard it's too hard for all these cunts out here in LA you know they they're still going to go out you know here's another thing too what is with fucking everything's bugging me now this has I'm not mad at any of this

shit I'm just mad because I'm fire cabin fever and this is all this shit is so I'm just going to go off in a bunch of shit these what why do joggers jog in the street the fuck is going on the fucking sidewalk fucking idiots you gotta sit there and slow down it's like you dumb cunts don't you know

people are texting while they're driving so fucking stupid I don't know maybe it's just here in LA all these self-involved assholes where it's just you know I mean it all started with CrossFit you know you can't just go to the gym and work out you have to run

past other people who aren't working out so they know that you're working out you know you know but I haven't cooped up so long I actually missed the CrossFitters fucking idiots running down the street with like a fucking table and chair

whatever the hell they're doing why do they do that what is it about CrossFit it's just like it's gonna start running down the street you know I guess it's greener right they they I guess treadmills use up a lot of electricity

I don't fucking know I'm sure it's me I'm sure all of this shit just fucking comes back to me and my shitty goddamn I wasn't such a fucking good mood I don't know what happened I don't know what happened I know what happened

you know what happened I got busy I couldn't play drums for a couple of days and then that's it doesn't clear my fucking head and then I just I just been pacing like you know if anybody goes to a fucking zoo after this shit you ever see the animals and they're in the cage and they're just walking

around and around in a circle that's kind of like how I feel and I know I'm coming off crazy right now and I'll tell you what you're not wrong if that's your assessment because I'm kind of going fucking nuts here yeah I've been home all today was my day that I was home all day my wife got to go out and go

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mvmt.com I've been meaning to get those blue tinged glasses you know they're going to shit here we can hang on here for a little bit longer before I gotta get those giant glass

everybody I know all of my fucking friends now they all quit drinking they all quit smoking and they all have those giant fucking you know recycled flat screen TV glasses giant big square glasses

and I'm calling it right now that's gonna be what they make fun of in 20 years from now or maybe next decade I don't know in 20 years I think it's always they always go back 20 years right in the 90s they did all the stuff about the 70s bogey nights and all of that shit

right then the 2000s it was like talking about the 80s and all of that shit and now the 90s are cool or whatever that's gonna be whatever so in 20 years from now when they make fun of this fucking last 6-7 years or whatever I think the bell bottoms

are gonna be those giant fucking microwave size fucking lenses that people are looking out of anyway let's get to the questions here for the podcast alright oh I haven't talked about how my Celtics have fucking dropped 3 in a row

good lord lost to the suns then they lost to Utah and I don't even know who the fuck they lost to last time I watched the game Celtics schedule let's see who they lost to who did they lose to we got the nuggets on Tuesday but who the fuck

did we lose to see more let's see here Pete the wizard oh we lost to the pistons that's right yeah I like watching Blake Griffin now you know now these more of a perimeter shooter the guy was like

hitting trees and stuff used to jump over people and dunk I love when you watch an athlete at his level you know as he gets older he just changes his game it's kind of like Pedro Martinez you know when all of a sudden he lost a little bit of a little bit of heat on the ball you know he developed a couple other pictures

created a new way to go around people it's really amazing it's the people that can adjust they stick around for a long time so it was fun to watch him play even though we lost and the Bruins I guess lost to the islanders I didn't even know they had a game they played Wednesday and then Friday I just assumed they were off

on Saturday according to my friends back home I'm glad I didn't watch I guess we got our asses down there in Long Island although I think the Rangers should have got a point you know the islanders should have split that two points with the Rangers

because even though we beat the Rangers two games in a row they really put us through the paces that's like one of the best teams we played all year they caught from Marshawn scoring the overtime winner 16th of his career and then a fight

riddled game a fight riddled game like from back in the day they already talked about this I can't even fucking remember shades of the Bruins Rangers rivalry back in the 70s there so who do the Celtics got next we got the Denver Nuggets coming up next

but I've been really enjoying watching them even though we're sort of like kind of seem like we're settle into a little bit above 500 if not 500 the way we're playing but Marcus Smart is out who do the Bruins got next Bruins schedule Bruin schedule

oh we got the devils we got the devils now okay now here we go my man Trent Frederick on the Boston Bruins the last time they played he wanted to go at it with PK Subban going back and forth with them

right PK's a fucking superstar he's like I'm not getting off the ice because of you but he did say the video I saw he goes when I get the opportunity I'm going to beat the fucking shit out of you and Trent goes ah why don't you go make another workout video you fucking loser

you got to check out the NHL shit talking man it's fucking great so we're going to see we're going to see if that goes down this next game I will tell you I don't know how to say the guy's name

he's got one of the defensemen for the Bruins right he's got those fucking names where it's like KZ something I don't even know how to fucking pronounce it right let me see if I can look it up he got into a fight on on Friday and he just beat the

he beat the shit out of this guy man it was very impressive he was beating this guy so bad that the guy like he like ducked his head down and the guy just caught him with the fucking uppercut and that was it I think it was Jacob not Jacob's bro who was it

I don't know who it was one of our big defensemen and it was good to see that we have someone like that for the next time we play a team like the fucking blues if they're still the way they are dude why does David Pasternak's fucking his picture it looks like a 1970's

yearbook picture I'm not saying he looks like a weed dealer but he looks like you know he could definitely get you some great to have him back by the way of course so that's what I've been doing I've just been watching every Bruins every cell this is the most Bruins in Celtics games I've been able to watch at home that is one upside

I hope I don't bum you guys out man I've been having a fun time teaching my daughter how to bike I've been having that but I just want to just see yet another person for whatever reason not just going with the flow and wearing a mask at this point it's just like dude do you ever want this to

fucking end you know but I mean he's a fatty I mean you know did he care that other the other people in the house they lived with maybe wanted some cookies too he sat there eating a whole fucking sleeve of him maybe that's why he didn't wear it you know

so into food that during this pandemic he probably forgot that a number of times that he had the mask on he put his slice of pizza into his mask and then he just felt bad so he's like fuck it I'm not wearing it I don't know trying to find empathy for that guy all right

recipe website all right dear Billy pumpkin head oh come on guys feeling down this week can't you can't somebody just say you know Billy not that ugly can't you just give me that you know all right

I have heard you express your displeasure with internet recipe websites oh my god that happened to me again today trying to learn how to make something you know since I've been a kid french cuisine has always interested me I don't give a fuck

just tell me how to make it why are you turning into a fucking miniseries there you know what I'm gonna look up a fucking recipe you pick a fucking recipe I'm gonna do some I'm gonna do the most basic one

peanut butter and jelly sandwich recipe literally the name of the fucking dish is the recipe let's see how long somebody can drag this out

all right clicking on it here we go all right you know what I found the one this is one they just spread the peanut butter on one piece of bread spread the jelly on the other side put the two pieces of bread together

to form a sandwich toddler adaption cut off crust before serving all right I think they covered all the bases all right I gotta go a little further than this let's just look up there we go let's go we'll go a little

spaghetti spaghetti sauce recipe here we go here we go okay here we go homemade spaghetti sauce okay and here we go

all right this spaghetti sauce recipe may be the first thing I learned to cook completely easily by myself when I was really young wow that was one of the worst sentences I Jesus as I got better at cooking and baking

parentheses and because I loved it so much and parentheses I can specifically remember two recipes my mom would let me make all by myself this homemade spaghetti sauce and our family favorites

for some reason then it says pumpkin chocolate chip cookies she'd be nearby for supervision but it was a huge confidence boost for me to cook all on my own I don't give a shit and an even bigger confidence boost

when my older brothers said they liked the food emoji this homemade spaghetti sauce recipe has been a family staple for as long as I can remember I've been waiting to figure out how to fucking make it I can remember

it's like I'm reliving your childhood here it's really simple and the flavors are fantastic this is one of those meals that always tastes amazing just keep going and going and going all right that actually wasn't that bad sort of a quick thing

look at her she's a sweetheart too oh god welcome I'm Lauren a mom of four and a lover of good food I'm sorry Lauren just in a bad mood you know what's funny that fat fucker didn't wear the mask he's probably sitting at home right now eating the spaghetti sauce wiping

using his mask as a napkin he's gonna talk to the front of his shirt can I get all these little fuzzies off this windscreen okay here we go anyways he said and having to let me start this over again

I've heard you express your displeasure with the internet recipe websites having to scroll through a long backstory about their childhood or some unrelated BS before they show us the recipe I found the answer to your problem on reddit someone made

and shared a website that you can copy and paste the URL of the recipe page into and it strips away all the clutter to just give you the recipe here is the link for the website I'm reading it to all of you www.justtherecipe.app

oh another million dollar idea if I would just listen to my complaints and actually try to you know what you guys listen to my complaints whatever I'm bitching about you fucking make it you make the money and I'll buy it I don't give a fuck

you're welcome and go fuck yourself from Delaware thank you so much www.justtherecipe.app hang on a second oh my god there was ever an app made for me here we go www.justtherecipe was it .app

I never know how to spell recipe I before E except after C R-E-C-I-P-E oh did I spell it right I spelled it R-E-C-I-P-I-E R-E-C-I-P-I-E oh god Bill just the recipe

just the facts Bill Jesus Christ this is taking me longer to type than it does for these fucking assholes to tell you to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich recipe Recype and what is it .app oh .app

A-P-P just the recipe get just the ingredients and directions for any recipe no life story no pop ups no email list paste the recipe how do I get to it

Jesus Christ whatever you guys can figure it out you're young you got your whole lives ahead of you you got time to figure it out alright minimalist living okay for those of you who didn't listen the last time I was making fun of those people that live in small houses not that it's a bad thing to do

I think it's a great thing to do going into that house and having to listen to that person fucking sit there like they crack the code of living I don't know I figure what I said I probably said something fucked up and I imagine this is somebody who lives in a little house gonna give me shit

alright dear billy acetate I heard you shitting on tiny homes a couple of podcasts ago as an owner of a fabulous foreign square foot tiny home I was triggered hahaha I'm sorry that I got

99% of America oh I'm sorry I'm oh I'm so sorry that I in 99% of America can't afford your 4,000 square foot old house hey buddy buddy I was you

okay I just didn't accept a fucking tiny house go write some jokes and get on stop acting like I'm some trust fund kid um he goes I have everything I ever needed consolidated into one small area this is why

I don't want to go into these people's houses if you came into my house I wouldn't sit there and talk to you about the square footage and all the stuff I had I would ask you what you want to drink this is you're proving my point if I went into your fucking house I'd have to sit there and listen to you

telling me how fucking great it is the whole time uh minimalist living isn't just about housing it's a lifestyle see see see what I said I share a smart car with my wife and I own I only own three outfits of clothing even my dog is small

uh let me guess you probably waste food and are too good for leftovers hahahaha hahahaha dude let me tell you something I am a fucking animal

my wife gives me shit I go into the goddamn fridge like a fucking bear do you know I was on my way to eat something and there was a little salmon cake left in this little sad plastic bag I'm like that might be going bad I don't give a shit I don't want to waste it I just fucking ate it and it tasted like shit

and I still finished it so fuck you in your little fucking house in your oversized ego um anyway how about you start you know if everybody's like you then little houses are for quitters um how about you start thinking about the environment

and your overall impact why don't you go break down some more boxes for Nia and leave us minimalists alone hahahaha hahahaha hahahaha ah shit sir I'm sure now that you have you know only

three outfits you have time to sit around and think about what your dream is and why don't you go after it okay that right there is the exact I literally said on the podcast I don't want to go into some guy's little fucking house because I'd have to listen to his fucking ideology and then you send me an email

I was making fun of the ideology not that you're doing it at what point did I did I put my fucking house in your house's face I didn't do it hahahaha

hahahaha I love when that happens come on I want to hear from more of you little house fucking holier than now fucking assholes I love how you think because I live in this fucking house that I don't you know what my house even looks like

that you think that I don't fucking recycle hahahaha hahahaha anyway any shit I don't want I just bring it over to the fucking homeless people more sell it on ebay you don't know me you fucking

dickhead you're in this little ass fucking house and all of a sudden you're better than me fuck you alright enjoy your walk in closet go fuck yourself alright lady listener here oh I love when I hear from the ladies

lady listener here dear dear billard bald that's like a name out of a fairy tale everyone enjoyed the party except for old billard bald he crawled out from underneath his bridge alright

you're my favorite comedian I love the podcast I'm a lady listener who's getting a bit fed up however oh Jesus you spend so much time ranting about how women need material object is it possible that that's not all women yes but that doesn't make it funny or just the ones you're into wow everybody got

triggered today I'm not trying to dark to fill analyze you here just make a point you're not making a point you're presenting your opinion alright so don't stop patting yourself on the back and your back before your bra snaps in the podcast you always advise men

to get the most beautiful early draft pick female possible then seems surprised when her personality is shit oh god this woman's mediocre looking too I honestly don't know where you meet these women who want stuff so bad and oh and now she's putting herself on a fucking

pedestal and acts so nasty unless you are literally just seeking attractiveness in that case isn't that on the guy who picks her not on women as a gender oh oh I see what you're doing you're you're saying that only beautiful women are acting that way

oh I get it yeah that's right only beautiful women want to be taken out on Valentine's Day they're the only ones that pressure you for a ring they're the only ones going on Amazon buying more shit than they need it's only the beautiful women playing janes like yourself ah you're down to earth

anyway every beautiful lady I know works hard pays her own bills oh Jesus this fairy tale and struggles to find a man who doesn't live with his parents at age 30 or addicted to porn or video games alright I okay the second

had addicted to porn or video games I'll give you that alright but let's let's take it down here let's take it down here with all these beautiful well they all work hard they all pay the everyone's a fucking astronaut I know that's our side of things that you seldom address

alright well then can you look at yourself critically consider I just said yeah most guys are addicted to porn and video games I'll give you that I'll give you that alright but you be honest with me is it one of the first questions you ask

a guy when you meet him at a bar is what do you do when you're living man and I get that you know you don't marry some fucking loser right but if I fucking look across the bar what am I supposed to fucking get with what some check with the face

like a cuckoo clock you know when are you women gonna just get over the fact you know some of you that you're not as good looking as the other ones if I can do that as a guy you know I mean if you're looking for sympathy for me because you're the female version of my face I mean I don't know what to tell you

we welcome to the club alright at least you get to keep your hair he goes maybe it's time to retire the all women want material objects bit or at least add some female perspective then you can get ladies laughing too oh god Jesus Christ because you're not laughing

because oh you know what this was the classic you're my favorite I have a great sense of humor and now I'm gonna take the piss out of you oh Jesus I walked into that one listen there's plenty of other podcasts out there if you don't like this one

don't fucking listen to it alright but I don't hear you fucking you know there's plenty of shit guys shit that I make fun of on here you somehow don't seem to hear it the only you know you're just like that classic douche that goes to a comedy show now where everything's a joke until

it comes around to your neck of the woods alright I'm sorry I guess you didn't get enough free drinks bought your way and you and all your unicorn beautiful lady friends who all work hard and pay your own bills alright okay okay yeah and every guy I know fucking

respects women and helps old ladies cross the street get the fuck out of here we're both animals okay and um I don't know I guess I will retire the all women want I don't say all women but I just

I lump it into a group you know I'm sure you know yeah I know you know when you go down rodeo drive when you go into a mall and all of that shit I mean come on who thinks buying most of that shit you know

who do they put the fucking pressure on in advertising in like a relationship thing there is not one fucking holiday out there lady where the pressure is on you that you got a fucking wow the guy the holiday does not exist doesn't exist buy or the

shit buy or the shit buy or the shit um alright but I you know I know listen listen are you like I've always said you know I can find you a white guy with a big dick that can dunk a basketball but that doesn't make it the norm does it um

alright anyways so whatever I mean I'd love to meet all these beautiful ladies that you hang out with that pay their own bills and struggle to find a man but I understand that part struggles who doesn't live with his parents at age 30 and is addicted to porn and video games I mean you fucking nailed it there you fucking nailed it

I'm not getting offended you're kind of lumping all these guys into a you're kind of doing what I'm doing aren't you maybe you want to co-host this we'll do a little co-hosting thing you can fucking trash guys I don't give a fuck oh god all the sensitive people

maybe you want to fuck that guy in his little house he's a minimalist he doesn't have time for a laptop you want to porn or video games you guys live happily ever after alright girlfriend caught snooping found something hard to explain okay here we go here we go let's hope

this person has a sense of humor hey there you fancy freckled fuck I get the title may sound a little click baby but follow me on this one

I've been seeing this girl for about a year in a few months for about a year and a few months personally I would have said I've been seeing this girl a little over a year but I get what you guys are doing now you write awkward sentences trying to trip me up because I'm not good at reading out loud

anyway and it's been nothing but a day a dream come true for the most part we are very different as I'm fairly committed to my work and have a shit ton of motivation parentheses thanks to you actually

hey you see that plane Jane I'm not all bad shit well she has a bit of a lazy personality but thankfully I've been pushing her to improve her habits while she helps me unwind and takes my mind off work so I can relax well there you go yeah

she's got to turn it up a little bit you got to turn it down overall we pair really nice okay okay what can go wrong what can go wrong what can go wrong alright now that the context is out of the way I got a new phone

on December 31st the girls friend spent the night at my place and when I woke up I left for work everything was going great until I got a text from her and it said you haven't been with any other girls have you I told her no that

I'd swear in a bible I thought I was it was maybe some insecurity creeping in and she wanted some reassurance then I got a voice memo of her bawling her fucking eyes out oh no she said I know I shouldn't have done this and it was the wrong thing to do and I'm sorry

but I went through your old phone and I found text messages between you and another girl this was back in June and she sent you nudes oh boy now here's where it gets tricky Bill she wasn't wrong but it wasn't me cheating

my buddies and I have participated in some stupid contest for years that we called Chubfest it's a stupid kid thing that we should have grown out of but it's been a tradition basically we all have to try and get nudes from the fattest chick possible in the span of

two weeks winner gets $300 oh dude through the years we didn't want our girlfriends to know for obvious reasons oh yeah dude oh Jesus what were you thinking but we are all good looking dudes who would

never cheat with a 250 pound girl when we all date 7s to 9s oh my god chick who wrote that other email right now was fucking their heads spinning around it's a stupid thing for boys and it is great for a laugh albeit it's a little mean

yeah come on man but we never would consider being unfaithful to our partners we had them dude you can't do that to people even if you weren't in a relationship don't fucking do that this entire thing woke me up to how immature and shitty this is

I really do feel shame for this bad joke I told her I can explain this but it may sound like a lie so call my little brother ask him what chubfest is and it should clear it up she said she would rather hear it from me so I explain the whole thing oh my god

could you even look her in the eye it seems like she understood and was no longer heartbroken and believe me I guess it might have been too fucking dumb to make up that said my question is this how do I move forward I don't know dude

I don't know dude this is above my pay grade but I'm gonna keep reading it she expressed how apologetic she is for snooping through my phone going through all now I feel bad I was making fun of that fat guy not wearing a mask you guys think I hate fatties

I don't I just hate people don't wear masks if you're fat I make funny wearing fat but I would never do that to somebody come on man I was gonna say that's low hanging fruit but that's kind of a fat joke too isn't it geez she's expressed how apologetic she is

for snooping through my phone going through all of my messages since fucking march of last year and understands it was wrong but surely this can't be a one off thing right I can't really expect her to not invade my privacy again can I if I do do I look like a bitch

to her subconsciously I'm totally lost Bill and I appreciate some wisdom out of that shiny noggin you got love the podcast you've inspired me to improve my habits and attitudes towards life for years and I really do owe you a lot my success all that said go fuck yourself

you gotta talk to your girlfriend you gotta talk to her and just say how wrong you were about that other shit and then you gotta burn a lot of sage man that's some fucking bad karma but then you kind of got it I mean you don't have a leg to stand on here

she snooped and she found a bunch of naked chicks right I don't know dude something you guys all looked at the naked fat chicks and you just laugh at them yeah listen I'm a cunt but Jesus Christ dude that's really that's really I don't know

let's say I don't like bullies I don't like that shit I don't want to tell you dude I would just fucking look you said you looked at it now you're embarrassed by it maybe this was a good thing because that happened but I don't know how to fix this one man I mean

she snooped and she found something so like that what I would just say either you gotta move on or you gotta live a squeaky clean life one or the other and then eventually she's gonna feel like she doesn't need to fucking look

I guess that's it you gotta sit down and talk to her try to rebuild some sort of trust there and come on man with the fucking chub fest don't do that shit alright Adam Curtis documentary um okay

dear Billy Band-Aid about six months ago a listener wrote in suggesting you watch a documentary called hyper normalization I doubt you have yet because I think if you had you'd mentioned it on the podcast yeah I don't want to watch what I already sense

okay if I watch this shit it's just it's I can't watch that stuff because nobody else is questioning it I've been that guy that watches that shit and then tries to talk to the people all you do is bum them out alright they're in the matrix

they're watching the Kardashians they're watching the Super Bowl and just just let them just stay there I will read this if you guys because some of you might want to begin to this but I can't watch this this type of shit the filmmaker Adam Curtis just released

his latest documentary on his YouTube page where this guy's doing God's work by the way where the others live as well wait I missed this here the filmmaker Adam Curtis just released his latest documentary on his YouTube page where the others live as well

all meaning the other documentaries are there this new one is fascinating and I really urge you to check it out it's called can't get you out of my head he's very well respected in the UK the best part of his documentary is that he gives you lots of information

about his perspective and footage of different parts of history you would otherwise not know much about now that's interesting if he's just going to make me paranoid you know I mean I can do that on my own and his new one can't get you out of my head

he takes you through things like radicals in West Berlin and bloodshed in communist China remind yourself of this when you wonder how he gets away with talking about the CIA the British Empire the BBC broadcast despite those subjects coming up

he's not a conspiracy theorist and never regarded as one okay so he's okay check it out mate love you and love the podcast I'm going to watch that because it seems to not get branded as that there's got to be some sort of levity to it but if it's just like there's lizard people

and shape shifters and they're putting this chemical in your food it's just like okay I don't know how to grow my own apples what a alright sorry about that I hit the wrong button I was trying to see how much time I did um yeah I don't

if it's all that shape shift of stuff I can't watch that shit but if it's somebody that's like can talk about it in a more like balanced way that you can actually get on a mainstream thing I'll definitely check that out once again the guy is the filmmaker is Adam Curtis alright

um alright that is it that is the podcast alright now let's not let's not fucking go down this road people every once in a while haven't had to do this in a while that lady there is taking the shit that I'm saying about

women too seriously the guy in his little fucking little pig little pig let me in house you know he's taking what I'm saying a little too fucking you know personally what a cunt that guy was huh you know can you imagine

being a bigger cunt than your house how do you fit all that cuntiness in that little house um he's actually way ahead of the game I'm gonna give some props that guy I would love to only have three fucking

outfits or whatever do the Einstein thing I would fucking love to do that my problem is I'm sentimental so I have all these fucking t-shirts that I got at gigs that people gave me or they give me a back story and they give me I can't get rid of this shit

I can't tell you how many times I've walked in my closet and just want to just grab handfuls of stuff take it down to the 10th city and then but what happens is they just keep sending you more shit I can't remember last time when I was fucked up

when I was living on a futon you know no manager no agent just flaming out in my professional and personal life in spaghettios right you know I had to

buy everything then the weirdest things you get past a certain level and you can actually afford things then everybody wants to give you shit but then you also kind of realize and then they're hoping you're gonna wear it and then walk around like a fucking you know free advertising I don't know why did this

just everybody always gives you like a fucking t-shirt or some shit and all when you if you get into t-shirts get into show business because you will have more free fucking t-shirts than you know what to do with I should do that you guys want some t-shirts maybe I'll do that bills uh bills free t-shirt

giveaway then I have all these fucking suits that I never wear anymore but I wore them when I was on Letterman or I wore them on Conan back in the day and they mean something to me but now that I'm such an old comic they're completely out of style what the fuck do I do with those I'll be honest with you little house people

I wish I never went down this fucking road but I'm so far down this road I don't know I don't know what to do now you know I'm sitting here right now and I'm looking at I have a little miniature double bass drum kit that you set up that somebody gave to me

when I was like in Germany and it's like how do I get rid of that I went all the way to Germany and there was somebody who gave a fuck not only enough to show up to the show they gave me a gift what do I do with that thing now I can't throw it every time I look at that thing I think that's some guy in Germany

gave me that how fucking cool is that then I'm also thinking I wish I never had that because now it's just something fucking else I have sitting there I don't know I gotta tell you for all the fucking years I've been in this business I only have one closet full of shit

it's all I do have but there is a lot to say about the minimalist lifestyle I'm just fucking around okay I know there's a bunch of great women out there I married one okay but I'm a comedian I make fun of shit and I know there's not every fat fucking person out there's not wearing a mask

and I know when they eat their food they're smart enough to take the mask off but where's the comedy okay do I get all fucking upset when somebody calls me Billy pumpkin head or billiard bald you call me billiard bald did I get all fucking mad

you know I didn't have no hair in me in show business I didn't do that did I have fucking laughed fancy freckled fuck alliteration it's insulting come on people grow the fuck up alright that's the podcast

go fuck yourselves even the beautiful women that pay their own way and can't find it alright that's it I'll check it on ya on Thursday go Bruins go Celtics go fuck yourselves