Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 2-16-15

Episode Date: February 17, 2015

Bill rambles about English accents, pussy jokes and how to move to Portland.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, February 16th, and I'm back in the USA, baby! Finally, I should say I'm back home. I'm back home, and home is where the heart is, don't you think? Actually, I have a new recorder. I don't know if the levels are too high here. I have no fucking idea. I can't really hear myself. The old girl finally died. I mentioned last week the Olympus LS10 is what I had, and they're all the way up to the 14th, and I got the 14, which I seem to be enjoying so far, although I can't stand the fucking ladies' voice. Every button that you hit, it goes like, recording back to main menu, and it's this fucking English lady. It's like, what the fuck are you

doing? Why, when the fuck did an American accent just become like, you can't have that? You can't have it on like your, like, all these fucking, one of those things that I advertise on this podcast. It's like, they try to give you like, for your voicemail, you have some sort of international, just not from America voice, and all of a sudden it makes it sound like, you're okay, wow, I like this company. They must be fucking people over globally, all over the world. They're fucking, did you, did you hear the fucking, did you hear the outgoing message? Oh, hello, welcome to Pinkberry. All of a sudden, I think I'm getting a higher class fucking yogurt. Because what? Because it's got an English accent. What the fuck is it with the goddamn English

that everybody thinks it's so fucking? You know what it is? It has to do with the fact that we're over here on our own goddamn island. All right. And if it actually had some sort of French accent, all it does is remind you that you can't fucking speak the language. But with like English, all of a sudden it starts to sound a little hoity, toity. You know who I blame for all this? I blame Madonna. All right. Let me tell you something about that fucking lady there. All right. She's from fucking Detroit. She grew up outside outside of that fucking hellhole. Hey, by the way, you know something? Let's complete the thought bill for the love of God, see it through. Okay, she grew up outside of that fucking hellhole. She does a couple of fucking whoop dee doos around the

world singing a dumb ass song and her mustard colored pumps. And all of a sudden she's got a fucking English accent. It's annoying. All right. I've lived out here for fucking coming up on eight years. All right. I still like I still sound like I'm going down the third pike. You know, I was just over in Asia that it come back sounding like I was from fucking India. You know, I mean, Madonna, how much are you searching? How bad was your fucking childhood? How bad was this country that you felt you had you had you moved to another one and then you took on their goddamn accent like they wouldn't noticed? Why am I jumping all over her? All right, favorite Madonna song. What would you like? Would you like the guilty pleasure or would you like the one that I actually

like the musicianship? What's the guilty pleasure one? Oh, God, it was one of her earlier ones. You know, before she got into all of that, I don't know what the fuck she was doing, you know, before the sex book, you know, or it's just like, you know, I'll fuck anything hurt those years. It's like, we get it, we get it. All right, you're like, you like dick, you like women too, you like dick and women, you know, you like that fucking fat guy in in Monty Python, get a better get a bucket, I'm gonna throw up except it's with dicks. You know, that's like this new thing I've noticed with comedy with women, like that's like this fucking it's considered edgy. If they talk about their clams, and it's just like, you

know, with all due respect, you just sort of a bar hack at that point, aren't you? Aren't you just doing dick jokes? Because it's a vagina all of a sudden, you know, they're taking control of their bodies. It's like you I don't give a fuck what you're doing. You're doing a dick joke minus the dick with the pussy. It's the same fucking it's like Sam Smith with the Tom Petty song, right? It's the same fucking thing. No, I stay with me. It's just a fucking dick joke. What could everybody stop losing their fucking minds over a dick joke because now it's a pussy joke. It's the same fucking joke. Blah, blah, blah, blah. So let me get this straight. If you're shooting a load at somebody's face, you're just a fucking, you know, a blue comic. But if you're taking the load to the face,

you're groundbreaking. Is that how it worked with you goddamn kids today? Well, hey, what power to you? And by the way, I'm just fucking with Sam Smith because that song doesn't sound anything like the other song. And I guess when you speed up one and slow down the other, then yeah, yeah, then I guess it is the same sound. It is the same song. But like at no point that I ever listened to it and think of that Tom Petty song. And not to mention Sam Smith song was way fucking better. And you know, there's people out there that actually say we're kind of going like what the fuck when when he said he had never heard that Tom Petty song, and like everybody was like flipping out mostly older people. So what do you mean you didn't hear that big hit that was a hit when I was

a kid? This is the thing that you got to you got to know about about these kids. All right, they don't even know who the fuck Paul McCartney was. Paul McCartney came out and sang with Kanye West and like kids in their 20s, they don't know who Paul McCartney is. Some of them don't even know who the fucking Beatles are. And then those kids who know who the Beatles are, they listen to the Beatles and they go, what's the big deal? These guys are overrated, because their fucking songs are 50 years old, at least the early ones. She loves you. Okay, okay. Yeah. All that shit. All that shit. And all right, and their their their end shit, their end shit, the shit that they did right before they broke up as as old as me 46, 44, 45, 46 years old. They don't know who the fuck they are. So if you

don't know who the goddamn Beatles are, if they come out, you know, with Kanye West, okay, and he sings a fucking song with them, they're not gonna know who the fuck he is. He looks like he looks like he should be like a civil war reenactor. Now he's actually more revolutionary war. When I think of Sir Paul McCartney. I fucking hate that shit. I hate how over in England, they they they night people. How dumb is that? Then what do you have a little fucking pretend sword fight? Really is Paul McCartney a fucking he's nighted now? What's he gonna do? Go storm a castle in a faraway land? Or is he just gonna put on a big silly necklace and get down on one fucking the whole the whole fucking thing stupid. But anyways, yeah, I for the life of me,

I didn't notice that that was the same song. And I don't get how that guy gets sued, but Lady, Lady Gaga doesn't with that Madonna song, which was the exact same fucking temple. And I guess the same court progression and all of that shit where I would go into like clubs or whatever. And just regular people were singing the Madonna song along to the Lady Gaga song. I didn't fucking ever think of the Tom Petty song with the Sam Smith song. And what I love is the second the lawsuit comes around, then everybody all of a sudden everybody's Phil Spector now everybody fucking heard it right. Everybody's got a gun and some fucking horse mouth going admit it, admit it. It's a Tom Petty song. Right. Isn't that what he did?

Can you imagine being in a studio with that fucking weasel who's walking around with a goddamn gun, coked all up or whatever the hell he is. I just don't understand how people get into a situation like that. Like how bad do you want to make it that you stay in a studio? The first time the guy waves the gun around, it's like, Hey, Phil, I'm going to Burger King. Do you want anything? Yeah, you pull an abs absentee father thing, you just abandoned the whole thing. What's he going to do? Do you think a guy that fucking crazy still drives probably had some old fucking limo, you know, really high roof so he can hold his fucking wig. Anyways, you'll listen to the Monday morning podcast. I hope this thing is recording. I really hope it is because I can't

hear myself right now. I have a bit of a cold. All right, I just flew around the world and the last fucking I still can't believe I just did that shit, man. Hey, you know, it seems like a really hacky fucking city to go to is Dubai. And that's just from landing there and then seeing all their advertising. You know, do you remember that? What was that fucking commercial they had where they fed those dumb whores? Oh, you know what, I'm trying to get better with the ADD here. Borderline is my guilty Madonna pleasure. And then my favorite fucking actual song is bad girl. Because of Omar Omar Hakim, as I said, his fucking drumming on that's the shit. And actually, when they played it live live on Saturday night live a long time

ago, I remember just watching him playing the drums on that thought he was fucking awesome. Um, but it's a classic radio hit, you know, you listen to it three times in a row and you're like, you know what, I don't think I ever want to hear that song again. And then you got to wait like three, four years. And then you listen to it again, like, Oh, yeah, Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Shut it off. Shut it off. And that's what you know, you have a hit. Um, so Sam Smith gets fucking sued. What about that new song that Bruno Mars is singing on? Because I'm gonna give it to you. I mean, how many fucking times has that song been written? Don't believe me. Just watch how many times has that line been written? Don't don't don't don't don't don't. This is that same song that same song

comes out of your summer. Oh, Jesus. Hey, don't believe me. Just watch. Um, whatever the fuck he's saying. I have no idea. Oh, what was I talking about? And I just Oh, Dubai. That light just seems like if Jersey Shore was given just a open fucking checkbook to make a goddamn city, that just that's what it seems like that with a little bit of fucking uh, Kardashian, Calabasas vibe to it. Like it seems like when people go to Dubai, they come back and I imagine they would say shit like, like, dude, they had a Lamborghini store next to a Ferrari store next to a water slide where you slid into champagne. You know, all this fucking horseshit and then outside the city, they got like a fucking tent

city of all these fucking basically modern day slaves that had to build the whole fucking thing just by sitting on the airplane because we connected in Dubai. Um, after we left Mumbai, that used to be Bombay, right? Bombay is now suing Mumbai, just like Tom Petty sued Sam Smith, the same fucking city. There's too many of the same letters in Mumbai that was in Bombay, right? Oh, that'd be just the A. There's no fucking way I'm trying to do this in my head. Anyways, back to Dubai. So we connected in Dubai, by the way, to then depart fly over Iran and then over Russian. I'm fucking as an American. I am nervous flying over Iran. But then when I looked at the stewardesses, they kind of had those little fancy little headdress

things on. I'm like, Oh, okay, wait, I think we're all right. I think I'm on the right team here. I think I should be all right. So but they had all these advertisements, advertisements, advertisements for Dubai for all their stupid hotels over there. And that's it just it reminded me of that commercial a long time ago where they had like, do you remember it was just some shitty restaurant? Like Olive Garden or it was like a Domino's, you know, Domino's is fucking hilarious too with their whole ad campaign where they just admit that their product sucks. You know, like, you know, you guys, you know, you're right. I mean, we ate it.

Tasty. Your ad tastes like shit. We couldn't believe how bad it was either. We agree. We're joining it. We're joining it. Like during civil rights, you can't stop it. So you join it and then you take control of it. I had some of that pizza and I thought it tastes like shit. Ask not what your pizza can do for you. Yeah. Yeah. Right. They just joined the fucking thing. They come to our side of the fence. We're yelling at them going your pizza sucks. And then they just joined our cry. Yeah. Yeah, it fucking sucks. And then we're yelling at nobody. And the whole thing goes away. And then they come back with their fucking pizza. It's the exact same goddamn price. The lovely Nia said

it the best. She goes, why don't you charge more than $5.99 for a fucking large? Maybe you could put a little more into the product. I mean, when you really think about it, that should have been their line. When people said that pizza sucks, be okay. Hey, it's $5.99 for a large. All right, you broke son of a bitch. I'm just trying to fill that hole in your belly. Okay. Yeah, it sucks. But I have a couple of beers. It starts to taste better, doesn't it? All right, then. Who else is going to bring you this much fucking food for that little of a price at two o'clock in the fucking morning? Huh? Nobody. Nobody. We all know what you do. This is what you do. You're okay. You put in an order, right? For one large pizza. Okay.

Provided and then you pick another address out of the fucking phone book, and you order fucking three of them, but it's close enough to the other house, so they know that you're coming to your house first. You order four largest for that fucking place. Then you have one of your friends hide in the fucking bushes across the street. The Domino's guy pulls up. All right. He jumps out of the car. He's going to leave it unlocked. He brings your pizza up to the car. While you're paying for that pizza, your friends go and they steal the other fucking pies. Then you run around the fucking house and you got four pies for $5.99. Okay. That's how it was done.

Anyways, we should just go out and just grab them and just eat whatever the other people fucking ordered. And then, you know, a lot of times it was something you didn't want, like a vegetable pizza, which is so fucking stupid. It's like you either have vegetables or eat something bad. Okay. Stop with the yard. You already have the guilt as you're eating this. All right. It's cheese topping or salami. That's salami, pepperoni, mushroom, something like that. Okay. Enough with the fucking peppers and all of that shit. You know, how much heartburn are you trying to get here? So then what we would do is we then eventually would start to order pizzas, you know, that we wanted a little further down the street,

knowing that they come to our place first, occasionally didn't work out. And then they just went to somebody's fucking house and they're like, we didn't order that shit. Oh, you serious? Yeah, serious. Then they come to our house and then we'd still steal it. And that's how you did it. That was how it was done. But it wasn't dominoes. What was that? I'm trying to talk about Dubai here, that fucking commercial, I think it was Olive Garden, where they had these people sit down and they had cloth napkins and they had all this fucking pomp and circumstance, right? If that's how you say it,

pomp and circumstantial evidence, right? And then they're eating this pasta and they go, oh my God, it's so decadent, right? And what I loved was they had a bunch of animals eating the shit. So of course they think it's great. The second you throw a cloth napkin, okay, it's somebody that goes to a tanning bed. I mean, they automatically think that they're eating a five star fucking meal. You've already, you've already mind fucked them. It's like those psychological tests where they give them a pill that doesn't do anything, but you tell them it's going to make them feel better and then they they convince themselves that they feel better, right? That to me is like what Dubai is. Dubai is like,

you know, if you took Olive Garden's pasta, you know, however they're trying to make it, you know, all the bread you want, like that's, that's Dubai. That's what it seems like to me. Having said that, I'll still fucking go there if I get a gig. You know, so I'm just trying to say all the shit that I would say if it was more of a free fucking area, because God knows I'll go there. You know, Jesus Christ, I'm going to go over there just to see what I have to wrap Nia in. Oh, I'm going to have a good time in one of those countries. I'm going to talk all kinds of shit. I'm going to make Nia walk like five feet behind me. Nia, look down at the floor when you walk behind me.

Oh, that's great. They got it down over there, huh? Just wrap them all up. Yeah, that's, you know, what they're actually doing, they're actually admitting how much smarter women are than men. The fact that they have to have them on that level of control. You know, what were they doing before that? They must have just been running shit. And they're just like, we can't fucking, you know, why don't you put your foot down? I can't help it. I wanted to fuck her. Right? We'll wrap them up. If we can't see what they look like, then they can't use their vaginas to, to, to mess with my minds. I just don't understand why you would do that. It's got to be crazy. Like when you're

fucking, I guess you're definitely going to marry somebody that you love because you can't see what they look like, you know, cause guys will put up with a lot. If the woman's beautiful, the same way a lady will put up, if you got money and you're making money and you can provide, they're going to put up with way more shit than they should, you know, and it's true as much as nobody wants to admit it. We all want to sit there and act like we're that fucking badass that has a line in the sand that you won't cross, but give me a fucking break. If she's a 10, there's no line. Sure. You got it down there and she's stepping over all over it. What are you going to do? You're going to walk. You want to walk. You know you should walk when you get in your car and you drive away.

Fucking bitch. Fucking out of here. You know what? You can treat me like that. What do you think I am? Huh? You're fucking with the wrong dude, dude. Right? All that shit you say in your car. And then what happens? That fear voice in the back of your head. What if this is the best looking person I'm ever with and I never find anybody else? Ah, growing dick. You know, you're flipping back and forth, but you're not going to do it. Right? The same thing with the brats. They do the same thing. Okay. You walk around. You got yourself an ATM card. You buy them a couple of trinkets down in a mall and all of a sudden they start feeling comfortable. Right? Next thing you know, you take a little bit of your frozen yogurt and you flip it

right in their face and what do they do? You know, do they leave you? No. Do they pout? Sure. They do. You know, but they're not going anywhere. You just bought them a couple of fucking t-shirts over at the hot topic. Where the fuck are they going? Huh? Sorry. That was really negative. All right. Let's, uh, let's do a little bit of advertising here. Um, all the shavey shave people. All right. Here we go, everybody. Dollar shave club. Doe. Can someone tell me when razor's got so damn expensive? Can someone tell me when they're going to change the copy? Especially because they're trying to rate fun. This is the same jokes every week. Have I been asleep for 20 years? I was in the store the other day and one pack of razor's is now 20 bucks. One pack. That's crazy exclamation point.

But hey, hey, sometimes they give you a free gift when you buy their overpriced razor's, which is actually a punch in the dick. That's such a great joke. Once, uh, don't get beat up by ridiculous razor prices. Look, dude, I don't need to read all of this. You know what the deal is. You go to fucking CVS. They're going to charge you out the ass for this stuff. All right. It never should have been that high and it's been that high forever. But for whatever reason, they've been able to get away with it. Well, finally, the geniuses at dollar shave club, they filled the goddamn void. All right. For just a few bucks, dollar shave club.com delivers amazing razors and other great grooming supplies right to your doorstep. Their plan starts at just three bucks. All right.

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certification or your money back called action. Go to us, go to my US trader.com for a free 14 day trial of their fast and fun online program. That's my US trainer.com. My USA trainer.com restrictions apply. Visit my USA trainer.com for details. So many one of those ad companies figured out that if you say it three times, they're going to remember it, you know, what should I say here? What should I say three times that'll make you fucking do it? I don't know what I'm thinking. I feel like I got a hyper Joe DeRosa date here. Poor bastard's taking a bunch of heat out there. Let's see here. Where's Joe DeRosa going to be yet? Joe DeRosa? DeRosa? Do do do do do do do. Where is he? Where is he? Where is he?

Christ, he'll come up here in a second. My fucking computer. You just love how your computer is just a shit for like three weeks after you buy it. Yeah, it's the fastest thing out there. And then it just sucks after that. Such a fucking rip off. Anyways, what did I want to talk about this week? American sports. Let's talk about that. I have no fucking idea who's doing what. I know the Bruins were playing really well right up to the all star break. And then we, I don't know, we're gonna have to tell you we've been having a rough one, you know, I think we lost a van. It's the beginning of a big West Coast trip here. And I got, I got to get back into watching that type of stuff. I do have to tell you, our fucking sports are awesome over here. You know, we have at least

three really exciting sports, football, hockey, basketball, a fucking exciting goddamn sports. All right, they have basketball over in Australia, but it's called netball. And women play it. And there's no backboard. I can watch that a little bit. But the rules are, I can't remember if they can't dribble or some shit, it's like they get it, then they just have to stop. I don't see any dunking or any of that type of stuff. But I'm looking forward to getting back into it. But I have no idea what's going on. One of my buddies up in Canada gave me shit because I guess we got swept by the Canadians for this season. It's so sad to listen to the Canadian fans gloat about that. Season sweep is complete, you know? Yeah, there's your Stanley Cup. What have you guys done in the

last 20 years? Lose the Expos? You think I give a fuck that we lost to Montreal again? We just won another championship. We won a Super Bowl. All right, in a real league, Montreal, not that poor shit CFL thing you have up there. All right, where Bobby Brister can go up there and fucking throw for 500 yards or meters, whatever the fuck you call them up there. Every goddamn game. May a fucking break. Did I already break New York City's balls? Do you realize that the fucking city of Boston with four teams has won one more championship than the than the fucking city of New York has professional teams? We have enough rings to give each fucking sad ass New York fucking team a fucking ring and still have one left over for

ourselves with just four teams. That's why I don't respect New York sports and their championships. It's like you doubled down in every fucking sport. Gee, did you win one? How many at bats do you need? Two baseball, two football, two basketball, and if you include the Islanders, they got two fucking hockey. It's fucking pathetic. Oh, no, I love rubbing it into those cunts. You're probably going like, Bill, why are you rubbing it in on them? That's because they've been dicks to me my entire fucking sports life because we never want anything. And they and all of them fucking just run and hide anytime Boston wins something. Or they try to go, no, I'm happy for you guys. You're really happy for you guys. Go fuck yourselves. Go fuck yourselves. All right.

I swear to God, it's what that city is, is it's the Yankees. The Yankees prop that entire fucking city up. If it wasn't for the fucking Yankees, New York City would be exposed as being basically one of the saddest places to ever be as a sports fan. You know, wait, the Giants are good. What am I talking about? The Giants are good. But rather than that, all right, the Jets, horrific 1969, the Knicks, you know, you have to get it. It's 1973. The Rangers have won one cup in like fucking 90 years, 80 years, right? What are they else? Nets have never won anything. The Islanders, they had their run, but at that point, it's like 30 fucking years ago. They're playing better though, right?

I don't know. Just a sad, sad fucking. You got the Yankees. Thank God for the fucking Yankees have won like 99%, I guess they probably won 99% for everybody, but I don't know. I don't know. I'm gloating here a little bit. The hell of a fucking decade, everybody. And if you think I think that this is going to last, I know it isn't. I know that right now I am at the tail end of the greatest run boss of sports is going to have in my lifetime. I know. I don't know when it's going to end, but I'll take it. If it just becomes like, you know, like the Bruins don't seem like they have it this year. It seems like they're going to have to fucking shake it up. Celtics, it goes without saying. Red Sox, you never know, but today's game, we kind of seem like we win it. Then we

shit the bed. Then we win it. So we'll see what happens. Maybe we'll, we'll come back around and try to stay. We'll try to keep up with the Giants. We've won three. They've won three in this century. Oh, we'll be like one ahead if we end up winning it this year. Who the fuck knows? And the Patriots, I don't know what happens with them, but at some point, Belichick's going to have to retire and Brady's going to have to retire. And then we're going to go back to being the team that I watched when I was growing up. And you watch how that stadium empties out. It's going to go right. But you know what'd be funny is if you actually had a camera, right?

Like doing like this still photography and you had people who were there basically before Bob Kraft and you got them in their seats and then you just sort of fast forward through all the years. Robert Kraft, Bill Parcells, Pete Carroll, Bill Belichick, and you just see the stadium filling up, filling up, filling up, and then they graduate retire and then all the seats around start getting empty again. And then you just see that same person you saw before Robert Kraft bought the team and he's just fucking much older. Fuck, am I going to sneeze here? God damn it. I hope I didn't catch a fucking cold. So anyways, somebody was telling me that they read a story that Pete Carroll said that

I don't know if it was like three nights in a row or whatever, but he was laying in bed crying that he lost the Super Bowl. And that's why I love Pete Carroll. I can't, I mean, I hate that. And I hate the doctors, but that fucking guy is so fucking driven. He wants to win it. Do you realize like the pain that guy, that guy was going to do something that I'm trying to think how many people did it. If he went back to back Super Bowls, that guy joins Vince Lombardi, Don Shula, Chuck Knoll, Jimmie Johnson and Bill Belichick. That's it, right? He would become one of six people to ever do it. And he'd be in the same,

the same fucking category as Lombardi, Shula, Chuck Knoll, Jimmy Johnson and Bill Belichick. Bill Belichick, by the way, I would actually say he's the greatest coach of all fucking time, of all fucking time. How long he's won, doing it now in the salary cap era, the amount of fucking players switching in, switching out, even when he doesn't win it, we still win like 12, 13 fucking games a year. I think he's, I think he's the greatest of all time. And I really hope that we keep pushing to get the fucking Colts to make some sort of public apology for their absolute fucking the such fucking babies, man. I love Andrew Luck. This is nothing against the Colts,

the team. It's their fucking owner, man. That guy is such a goddamn baby. The amount of times that they've lost and then, you know, of course, they can't just lose. It has to be like a fucking rule change. He's got to send a video to the, to the league office. It's like, dude, you lost. They must do the ball. So let me put your air in it. Oh, fuck yourself. What a fucking baby, man. Anyways, so, but you know, they threw it out there. It was great. They threw it out there. So forever, Bill Belichick, you know, by all the fucking people out there who just hate the guy are forever going to quit. I love how Jerry Rice sits there and goes, yeah, you know, they should have an asterisk next to their championship and then admits to

use and stick them. Give me a fucking break. So now what, Jerry? Now you're not, now you're no longer the greatest receiver of all time. Give me a fucking break. You still are grow up. So anyways, I was on the, I was on the plane coming back from, uh, Dubai and, um, I blew, I blew basically all any, any gig money that I made going through Asia, I blew on plane tickets because I'm too fucking old to fly in the back of the plane. I just can't do it. Okay. I can't. I'm too fucking old. So I actually lost money going through Asia and probably lost a good month of my life breathing in some of that air over there. But I'm still going back because I absolutely loved it and I fucking love the people over there. So, uh, Nia was giving me

shit because she saw the money that I spent. She saw what I was going to gross. And then what I spent on plane tickets, she's like, what the fuck are you doing? And I was just like, listen, I can't put a price on it. Okay. This is like a fucking vacation. Just look at it that way. And we're actually going to maybe make a little money on this thing. All right. But I am not going to fucking fly to Australia with my fucking pasty knees up to my chest. I'm not doing it. All right. So enjoy it. So like the entire time we were, we just flew business class. All right. And, uh, every time we go on and get a nice seat and I just kept looking over at Nia, just going, you can't put a price on it. You know, you can't put, I just kept saying that.

And she just kept shaking her head and you'd get off the plane and then they'd give you a little pass. So when you went through customs, just letting you guys know this. So if you want to use your fucking miles, I'm telling you, look, if you're flying within the United States, I mean, you don't need to do that. I guess New York to LA is a motherfucker, but you can handle that. But when you start talking about a 14, 10, 14 hour fucking flight, take out your miles, take out your credit card. Just I'm telling you, I'm telling you, you won't regret it. So we were flying back air Emirates and it was one of those double decker planes and we were upstairs in the business class. So we're like fucking ridiculously excited, totally exposing ourselves.

And so I got went up to get to the, you know, we sit down and you know, nice big ass fucking chairs. And I look and I look over at Nia and she laughs and goes, you can't put a price on it. I'm like, that's right. So I get up like about an hour into the flight and I go in the bath to go to the bathroom. I go in the back and they have a they have a bar in the back of the plane, like not a giant bar, but just like a little fucking, but a bartender sitting there with a bunch of fucking booze behind, you know, bottles and all that shit. And then on either side of the plane, like the gut, these S shaped benches with like four seats with four seat belts, and you can just sit down, put on the seat belt, like you're at a

bar. So I like my fucking heart. I can't believe I didn't faint. My heart went through the fucking ceiling. So I go back and I go, Nia, Nia, come on to the back of the plane. She's like, what, what, you know, she's watching some fucking TV thing. And I go, like, come on, I want to get you a drink. She goes, what do you mean get me a drink? She thinks I'm just gonna go back there. It's gonna be like three stewardesses, like huddled in the back. We go in the back and she saw and she just starts laughing. We sat down, put the seat belts on, order the fucking drinks. They had like olives and shit back there. It was ridiculous. And I looked at her and she finally said it. She goes, can't put a price on it. It was one of the great fucking moments. And I sat with her,

drinking a goddamn drink, flying over Iraq, going, if I'm going to get hit by a fucking RPG, I'm going to be doing it like this. This is the way to do it. Right. So that is the one thing that I've learned to all of my fucking travel is that you have to have a line. And once you're going beyond, I mean, granted, I haven't gotten the bill yet. When I get that bill, oh, Jesus, when I get that bill, I don't give a fuck, fuck that. I don't give a shit. All right, I need to be comfortable. If I'm going into a goddamn country where I could get caned or hung, you know, you want to ride there in a comfy chair. So, all right, I'm already 40 minutes in here, I gotta get a fucking move along here. But I can't remember what I talked about last week,

as far as India. I can't give such a good time. Maybe I'll tell the story again if I've already told it. But after after the gig in India, I hung out with a bunch of comics, all went out and got dinner and just sat down on top comedy for like a good hour. And it was probably one of the highlights of my career. Just as far as just one of the coolest things ever, you're on the other side of the globe, hanging out. And you met people that do what you do that have the same passion and love for. And what was killing me was the questions with the exact same questions that I would hear from American comics or comics I met in the UK or Ireland or Scandinavia. It's just it's because it's the same art form. And my favorite thing was in the end when it started

getting petty, where they were going like, All right, Bill, who's a comic that you think just fucking stinks. But for some unexplained reason is selling a bunch of tickets. I just started laughing. I was just like, Jesus, even over here, it's like that, you know, but I don't know, that's one of the really cool things about about traveling or whatever. So I'm definitely going to go back, definitely going to go back. And what's funny is Jerry Seinfeld actually has is doing four shows over there. And I was just back in New York. Next month, he's going to be over there. And I was just in New York was doing the Patrice O'Neill benefit. And I just happened to run into Seinfeld, he comes down the cell, you know, which is always

fucking unreal when he shows up. And I mentioned to him that he was, you know, him going over there. So just kind of compare trading notes with them or whatever. So I can't wait to hear how those shows go. Because he was, you know, he's asking all the questions, like, you know, can they understand? Like, yes, I was like, dude, they get everything, they get everything, all the slang and all that shit. But anyways, I don't know, I wish I could actually go to those shows. They'd be pretty cool, huh? Seeing Seinfeld and fucking Mumbai. Anyways, so the three so Neil benefit, ladies and gentlemen, thank you to everybody that came out to the, to the benefit this year, I actually think was one of the best shows because

we only had eight comics this year in the past. The thing is, is so many people love Patrice, and so many people want to be a part of it that we've been having like 12 to 13 comics, and it really gets like jammed up towards the end. And it's a union house. And if we go over, like, you know, union, they find it through the roof, and we're defeating the purpose of why we're doing this thing. So it becomes really stressful. This year, there was only eight, moved along quick. And you know, everybody crushed it. And this year was great, because I felt like by having Hannibal Burris and Michael Che on it, we actually had guys that were influenced by Patrice's comedy. This is the first time we didn't just have like his peers, the guys he came up with

that started at the same time he did, or maybe a little bit before this is when we actually had the generation of comics that as they were deciding to become comedians could actually have watched Patrice on TV and been influenced by him. And those two guys killed it. Jim Florentine, Ben Bailey, David Tell, Jim Norton, Colin Quinn, Rich Foss hosting it as always. It was just an awesome, awesome time. I know if I always forget somebody, they're going to get fucking pissed at me. But I don't know, thanks again to everybody who came out to that thing, we're going to of course do it again. Next year, thank you to the Opie and Jimmy show for helping me promote it, blah, blah, blah, and all that type of stuff. And I don't know, it's definitely, it's, I don't know, it's one,

it's my favorite thing to do of the year, because it is such a great cause, we obviously love Patrice and get to see his mom, his stepdaughter and his girlfriend, and becomes like a like this stand-up like high school reunion, man, it's really fucking cool. So all right, here we go, I got to wrap this up because guess what I'm doing the second this podcast is over, other than uploading it, is I get to go see my dog and see my dog in like three weeks. And I know what you're thinking, like, Bill, where did you put your dog? Where did you board your dog? And it's like, no, I just kept her in the garage, you know, shit and pissed all over the place, but I had plenty of food for and, you know, I had a tie to a pole. We actually border at our veterinarian and my dog is one of

few dogs that absolutely loves the vet, because she, you know, she's a pit bull, she's got herself hurt a couple of times, because she's a maniac. And, you know, my dog's got this thing, that he looks at you, she looks at you sideways, like, who the fuck are you, the second you take care of her, that's it. You're a made man. So they took care of her a couple of times, you know, she broke one of her teeth one time and a couple of the things she's done to herself, banged herself up. And, you know, they took care of her down there. Once she sees that someone's going to take care, she's like, she's like a little fucking goddamn baby when she's down there. So whenever I take her to the vet, all these other dogs are like wine and going in there. And I'm like water skiing

behind my dog. She's like dragging me in there. And what kills me is whenever I drop her off to board her, she's so excited to be there, she doesn't even turn around and look at me. She tails wagon and she just fucking runs away with somebody else. Kind of hurts my feelings a little bit. But anyways, let's get to the, let's get to the the the the fucking what am I saying here, the letters for this week. All right, Sam Smith and Tom Petty, I actually kind of already answered this one. What is this one? All right, I've been a big fan of the podcast for years. I got to say hello and correct congrats to you and lovely Nia when you played Dublin, Ireland a while back. I got to say congrats to you. Okay, this is a trivial point, but I'd like to

throw in my two cents on Tom Petty suing Sam Smith. Tom Petty is almost famous for looking the other way when people happen to sound like him. He's been quoted as laughing it off when last night by the strokes appeared to rip off American girl saying his early stuff and then he just said that his early stuff sounded like Chuck Berry even gave the strokes credit for owning up to it. There's a similar story about the red hot chili peppers Danny California sounding like Last Dance with Mary Jane. However, in this case with Sam Smith, Smith's response to the story was that he never heard I won't back down. If we believe that are we supposed to believe that every musician producer another asshole who heard that song before it was released had never heard Tom Petty's

I won't back down. Maybe so for what my dumb ass opinion is worth Petty either sued because he didn't believe the denial or he was offended because Sam Smith didn't know him. And not because the song sounded alike. But what the hell do I know? Well, that's actually interesting. Come back to Ireland sometime soon. Thanks and go fuck yourself. That's a really interesting take I never even thought about that if you just owned up to it, like you ever get pulled over by a cop and you just you know, you know, I pulled you over. Yep. Yep. I made that illegal U turn. Why'd you make it? Because I was impatient. And I didn't want to do it the right way. Do you know I could give you a ticket? Yeah. Yeah, I do. But I'm not going to lie to you.

That's an actual conversation I have with a cop. And he goes, All right, I'm going to let you go. And then I laughed and said, You're awesome. And then he laughed like not laughing like, Yeah, this is great. He was laughing just like I was just a weird conversation for him. I think I always tell the truth whenever they pull you up. You know, I pulled you over. Yeah, absolutely. It's doing like fucking, you know, faster going. Yeah, like 85. I was hoping I wasn't going to run into you. Most of the times they still give you the ticket. But sometimes if you just fucking honest, you know, it's towards the end of their shift, they'll actually fucking let you go. Yeah, of course, being a fucking freckled face.

Howdy duty looking white guy probably doesn't hurt me either. I'm already here and everybody's not white listening to this going, Oh, yeah, yeah, if I don't defeat the shit out of me, I know, I know. What do you want me to do? You know, one of my I mean, I don't make the rules. I'm happy it works out that way for me. I'm sorry it doesn't feel moving across the country. Dear Bill Burr, Bill, I think your podcasts. Thank you. Okay, okay, I just I just turned 23 years old, a few months ago, and I realized I have lived in the West Michigan town. I've officially lived in the Western Michigan town I live in for more than half my life. Can you guys please please try to proofread your shit? This is his sentence.

Okay, so I turned 23 a few months ago, and I realized I have lived in the West Michigan town. I've officially lived in the Western Michigan town I live in for more than half my life. All right, so it's definitely editing as he wrote this and just kind of fuck that up. This crushed me. Why? Because you live in Western Michigan. I like it out there. Well, you got to move to the big city. This crushed me. So I began saving up as I wanted to live in Portland, Oregon, good choice. I've always been musical and I want to go do the band thing, but I have never but I have an associates of science degree. So if that doesn't work out, I can go back to school but in Portland, after establishing reds, but I'll go back to

school in Portland after establishing residency. All right, so you got a plan here. My question to you is this, how much do you think I should save up with the plan to live minimally and just work a job slash play music? I've never felt I could express myself here as I am isolated and since the town is small, high school follows you everywhere in which I was a total weirdo slash loser. Thanks and go love yourself. All right, I totally relate. I totally relate. I was a loser too in high school. So there was that element of like going to Boston to try stand up comedy. And I remember whenever I would get a gig anywhere near where I was from, I'd be so nervous that my entire high school class would show up and they wouldn't laugh and be like, dude, you're that jackass

who went to school with who are you to think that you could make this dream come true? Go fuck yourself. Right. So I totally understand all of that. And I also worked a day job and I saved up money before I moved to New York. I paid off all of my debts. I just paid it down. I paid down everything and I saved up. I saved up some money and then I moved to New York. And I went there thinking I got to get a day job. And but I had enough money where that wasn't, you know, it wasn't dire like I got to get a job right now. I could actually go a few months. So I started getting some stand up gigs. So even though it was negative cash flow, it wasn't 100% negative. Like say my nut, I think my rent, I swear to God, I had to walk through bedroom. My rent was,

it was 425 a month. This is 20 years ago. And but I mean, I had no spots. I had no gigs. So I think I did a couple of road gigs went probably back to Boston, maybe did a Dick Doherty gig or something. And I probably made Jesus, I don't even know. I probably made like 300 bucks, 375 for the weekend. But I also had to travel up there and I took the bus and I had to eat. So I was probably in pay taxes on it eventually. So I mean, I was probably walking away with 125 bucks. So I probably had, you know, and plus all the other eating living every time you walked outside in New York, it's like you blew 20 bucks. So I watched my nest egg start to dwindle. But after a couple of months, I stopped

thinking about a day job. I just started thinking, I got to get more gigs. I got to get more gigs. And then what happened was, I was able to kind of slowly stop the nose dive of cash to level it off a little bit. And then I booked some acting gig or something where I was able to make enough money. And I just stashed it. And at that point, then I got a college agent, it just all starts to happen. You know what? A guy I brought up on this podcast before Mike Johnston, Mike lessons.com. I'll try to find a video for you. But he's got this great video that he does where he talks about, you know, or maybe I was when I went and I saw him live. I think it was when I saw him live. So I'll paraphrase what he said. But when he wanted to make money as a musician,

you know, he just he just totally like his day, even his day job, he just stayed in the music arena. I'm really going to butcher this story. But he started giving drum lessons. All right. So that was money he was earning as a drummer, he started working at a music studio, tuning up the drums and that type of thing. So that was two way and then then he got into, you know, a couple of bands, and he had a couple gigs on the weekend. So that was three, four different ways that he was making money as a drummer, and he just keep doing that. So when you're out there, I would just make make it all about music. You know, if you get a job at fucking Guitar Center or something like that, you can get a discount on some of your your equipment.

And then you can also get to know guys and you can start talking to people like I want to get into a band, join a couple of fucking bands. I mean, that's I would do all of that shit. And then also you can get a discount on all the recording stuff that you need if you're going to start writing songs. I would just keep getting jobs in the music industry because it seems to me like that's what you want to do. And then your backup is to do this associates of the sciences degree. Like that's your backup plan. Just by reading your letter, it seems like, you know, you want to be in the music business, that's going to make you happy. So that's what I would do. And you just kind of have to try to shake off that whole idea that, you know, you have to fall back on this

college degree and this whole idea that you can't have a fun job, you can totally have a fun job, and it's going to be a job and it's going to be work and all that shit, but you can totally have a fun job. You just keep applying for jobs that are fun, and you will have a fun job and just stay there. And then that's it. And then, you know, you know how to do it, dude, you ramen noodles. Dude, if you wake up in the morning, you just have a fucking apple that'll fill you up. And you'll be in great shape. You just pound some waters. You know, you know the deal. Everybody fucking does this shit. I used to eat spaghetti. That was my thing spaghetti and a couple pieces of bread. That was my dinner that would fill me up.

And I remember I didn't have any of a table. I had a fucking chair that I turn around. And I use that as the table and I just would fucking get the prego and I throw fucking spaghetti in there. I could make the fucking meal in my sleep. I didn't have to measure the water or anything. I just knew where to pour it in the pot. I just had it every fucking night. And I was so fucking sick of it. I remember like every once in a while, I would either take a taxi cab. I'd just be so tired after doing gigs and just fucking every once in a while, I treat myself to a cab ride. Or I treat myself. I'd actually order out. And when I say order out, I'm talking like ordering Chinese food. Because, you know, when you first moved to a city, from a small town, you moved to a big city,

you're on your own. And it's really on you. You're terrified to spend money. This is a creepy thing. You know, you got to get your footing. Once, you know, you've survived for seven, eight months, one day it just kind of hits you like, Hey, I'm on my own here and I'm making it. It's a great feeling. You know, even though you got fucking spaghetti coming out of your goddamn ears. So good luck to you, sir. All right. So work out a William B. Do you still work out? If yes, what is your routine? Do you do any running or biking? Love the podcast, man. I actually did quite a bit of working out when I was on the road, because I was, you know, eating airplane food, airport food and that type of stuff and gig food. And I only think I put on like five pounds, which

is pretty good. You know, for the amount of time I was away for three weeks, only put on five pounds. And really what fucked me over was when I went to New York, I was there for a few days and all the booze was flowing. Anyways, do I do any running? No, I don't do running, running kills my fuck, you know, you can't do that to yourself at my age. You can't keep running like that. It fucking you need your feet, your knees, your hips, you need all of that shit for the rest of your life. What you really have to do at my age is actually finally sit down and learn about nutrition. So you're not eating your way into the gym, you're actually eating your way out of it. So you don't have to do as much I do a lot like I

take my dog. There's a lot of hiking trails out here in LA, the fucking greatest city ever. I love it, man, have to be in a freezing fucking New York. I love New York and that shit. But Jesus Christ, when it's that fucking cold and there's no Christmas lights out, it's pretty goddamn bleak. But anyways, yeah, I kind of do that. And then I'm into your own body weight. I have a climbing rope. I got a pegboard. I got I got one of those pull up dip stations. I'm into that type of stuff because I feel like it's a much better strength. Being able to move your own body and it's much more practical when you're in situations to be able to move your body. Climb up onto something, lower yourself down onto something, just getting it up and out of bed is easier if you're used to

being able to handle your own body weight as opposed to that weird shit with like bench pressing, which is you're pushing all this weight up off of you while adding this muscle weight to yourself, which is I don't know. It just seems more of a complete workout when you're moving your own body. So I'm into that stuff. And I'll skip rope, I guess, every once in a while. But I make sure that I do like I don't jump up too high. So it's more like I'm kind of not even like running in place. So I'm just sort of lifting a foot up and setting it back down. Once you get the muscle memory down, you can really minimally be slamming your joints as you're coming back down, sort of like lightly running in place as you do it. And I'll just do like two, three rounds.

You know, as funny as I brought it, I brought a jump rope on the trip and I never used it once. I just never fucking used it. But I did do like a lot of that elliptical shit. And I don't know. So what's my routine? All right, it's my routine. I do a set of pull ups. And I do it to exhaustion as many as I can do. And even after I can't put my head over the chin, get my chin over the over the bar, I still am doing reps. Even if you only go halfway up a third of the way up an eighth of the way up, and just to exhaustion, that's the first set I do. Then I climb up the rope, go back down. And then I go over to the pegboard. And it's weird because my garage ceiling isn't high enough. I had to buy the skinniest ones and

have them go horizontal. So I'm actually, I only do the pegboard, but I go to the side. And at this point, I'm only at the point where, you know, I can take the pegs out like two or three times. Total. You know, and actually make it happen. If you do get a pegboard, you want to aim a little bit higher than the whole, because your body's going to be going down. So you actually stick it in there. And then the next time I go through is I do a set of pull ups where I do the negatives, where you pull yourself up over the bar, and then you lower yourself super slow. And that actually helps your reps over time. And then the next, and then I do the, I got this tree that I jump up and I, there's a branch that goes way out where I kind of do a,

how the fuck do you describe it? Right hand over left hand, right hand over left hand, walking out towards the end of the branch. And then I come all the way back again. And I try to keep my arms at like a 90 degree angle, not just hanging straight down like that. And then the third set I do is a wide grip. And it's the same thing again, and I go back up the rope instead of the tree that time, something like that. And then I'm always switching it up. Sometimes I just do three straight things, a regular pull ups or whatever. This sounds boring as shit. So I'm going to move on. But that's basically what I do. And then I take my dog for a fucking hike. That's it. And then I try not to eat like a fucking animal. There you go.

And that is my workout. Let me actually do the last bit of advertising here. Fucking Richard Simmons, the hell am I doing here? I'm sitting here in candy stripe shorts right now people doing this podcast. All right, stamps.com everybody get your mailing and shipping done, getting your mailing and shipping done can seem like a no win situation. Nobody wants to go to the post office. It takes up valuable time. You don't want to lease a postage meter. It's expensive with the multi year commitments and hidden fees. Who the hell wants to deal with that? Do you want to deal with that? No. Well, luckily, I know a better way. What is it bill? It's stamps.com. Stamps.com. You can buy and print official US postage for any letter or package right from

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that's discount code burr for legal help you can count on for your family or small business go to legalzoom.com today legalzoom.com discount code burr b urr all right mercifully the ads are done for this week. Let me close this here. All right out of the closet here we go dear bill I'm a 17 year old high school student who recently came out of the closet congratulations that's a very courageous thing it's 17. I have always been fairly timid and don't have a very aggressive character once again even more courageous three years ago I found your comedy and I was inspired by your religion of logic and passion listening to your comedy an hour on the podcast gave me exposure to a strong personality that I could relate to internally and be inspired by outwardly but if

this is going to be all compliments I can't read these all right at some point you got a shit on me without exaggeration exaggeration it moved my timetable up at least a year for it forever I plan on waiting till I was 18 thank you for the inspiration good sir this is where you call yourself an idiot and downplay the situation ah you son of a bitch you with two sentences short I lifted that move from you to when my aunt said I was very brave I just brushed it off like you will with this email go fuck yourself Jesus Christ this fucking guy's killing it here should I be worried oh it's totally different this is a different thing I actually just assumed that this was a guy too could have been a lady all right should I be worried well congratulations sir

or ma'am um where am I should I be worried hey Bill Burrington the first please read this on the so I'm an English guy studying psychology in France and I've been dating an Italian girl for the last five months dude what are you fucking James Bond I'm insanely in love this international cunt what is the problem should I be worried you should be worried you're an English guy living in France studying psychology dating some Italian woman that's fucking awesome I want your life he goes I'm insanely in love with her and I think she may be the one or at least the mother of my hypothetical children hilarious we both have a long history of relationship I've been with a lot of girls and she's been with a lot of guys nice you're both experienced and

you came out of it unscathed no STDs that's that's great for both of you you know what that's like when you've banged a lot of women and she's banged a lot of guys and you get there unscathed you know what that's like that's like one of those great fucking Super Bowl matchups you know that's a pick them it's like the Cowboys Steelers 79 I'm insanely in love with her but but but way okay the other day I bought I brought up an ex and this obviously pissed her off yeah what the fuck you don't do that because she then said she was speaking with an ex on Facebook and and he said he wanted to marry her I know she's still friends with some of her exes though so am I but I still you guys both need to fucking grow up all right either get out of this relationship friends with your exes

but I still think her getting messages from these guys who clearly still want to fuck her is messed up obviously and why are you still talking to your ladies you're keeping them in your little fucking dick orbit aren't you we're moving in together at the end of the year and usually you would say dump the bitch no I'm not I'm saying you both need to grow up but she says she loves me and I can't lose this one she's fucking beautiful smart funny and sweet so should I be worried about these fuckers and therefore bring it up or should I just shrug it off thanks and go fuck yourself what I think you need to do is you need to commit to this woman you have to tell us say listen I'm not talking to any my any more of my exes and I would appreciate it if you

would do the same I think we got a great thing going here and you know I don't I don't feel it's right that I'm still in contact with women that I used to be intimate with it doesn't feel right to me anymore the way I feel about you and I'm hoping that you feel the same way about you keeping in contact with your exes I'm not trying to have a fight here I just want to have a rational conversation just start that way and then you know what you commit to her dude and it's over okay all those other fucking guys that bang during all that type of stuff did they give her a ring no you know so you sound like you're an older guy as far as like you've been down the fucking you know you know you've been hacking your way through the jungle for a while who the fuck's getting who

all right what are you gonna do here you know you're gonna lose this one I don't think you're gonna so commit to her and then just show you commit bite but you know once you lead by example maybe that'll work I don't fucking know but that whole bullshit where you're both staying where you're both fucking you know staying in contact with your exes is bullshit come on who's kidding and you know if you're a little drunk and then you get on the fucking Facebook there shit is said bub bub bub on all that shit so you know what you need to do you both do all right good luck to you all right that's the podcast for this week you'll fuck yourselves if

you'd like to donate to this podcast anytime you go into Amazon you're gonna go buy yourself a little hair net you know maybe an apron if you go to my web my website billbird.com and you go into the podcast page there's an amazon link if you click that it'll take you right to amazon then buy whatever the fuck you want and it doesn't cost you any extra money and they give me they give me a little dorayme for driving traffic to their website that's it simple as that if you don't want to do it I totally understand oh there's jota rosa jota rosa we'll be at the punchline in san francisco this weekend all twinkle toes himself so if you're in the san francisco area go see fucking jota rosa all right there you go that's my two cents for the fucking week uh i'm gonna get caught up on

some Bruins games i'm psyched to be back and once again thank you thank you to everybody australian new zeal zeland singapore hong kong and mum bye uh thanks for coming out to the shows thanks to all the comics that i got to hang out with and shoot the shit with uh there's no fucking way i'm not gonna come back and do it again uh i just gotta write some more bullshit um i had a great time so that is it i'll talk to you fuckers next week vertrouu instinkt volgiverstand info and for more than on bmb.b