Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 2-17-14

Episode Date: February 17, 2014

Bill rambles about technology, seeing Bill Cosby and getting a deep cleaning at the dentist there.

Hey what's going on it's Bill Burr and it's the Monday Morning Podcast from Monday, February 17th, 2014. How's it going? How are you? Are you enjoying this podcast so far? I'll tell you, if you're listening to it on Monday, Monday the 17th, I am actually in the fucking air. That's why the podcast is out as you guys like to think early, or on time I should say. It's early in my world. Alright, it's early. Yeah, I'm on my way back to the east coast to do a wonderful run of shows starting Tuesday night with the second annual Patrice O'Neill Comedy Benefit. All money, after the expenses of course. We do have to rent the place out. After we pay back for renting out the fucking bar. Yeah, all monies goes to basically all the people that were in Patrice's life that he was supporting. You know, his mom, his wife and stepdaughter and all that stuff. So it's a wonderful thing. If you didn't get tickets, we're going to do it again next year. We're going to do it every year. And I know a lot of people are like, why don't you have a fucking donation button online? Because I'm learning about this shit. I'm learning.

Okay, eventually every year it'll get bigger. Maybe we can do two shows one year. I don't know. Okay, I'm new to the benefit thing. I hope I don't have to do another benefit for anybody else that I know and love. Alright, so there you go. Those are the answers to your questions. And I know that a bunch of people are going to try to be helpful and show me how to set something up through, you know, I'm trying to raise money for my buddies. You know, Loves Ones.com or whatever. I'm not going to be able to figure it out. Alright, I am anti-technology unless it is trying to save people's lives or the lives of animals' nature. I don't mind that stuff. But as far as all these fucking apps, you can stick them in a ball, turn them up sideways and shove it straight up, y'all. No, sorry. I had a wrestling fucking flashback.

Dude, I just was trying to check in for my flight. That's all I was doing. Just an old freckled fuck on the computer. All I want to do is check in. All I want to do is rumbozoomzoom. All I want to do is find what airline I'm flying. That's all. When does it leave? Oh yeah, is that when it leaves? Well, I'll be sure to be there before it takes off. Alright, so what do I get? I get some fucking email from these goddamn cunts and I can't access by itinerary unless I sign up for that app. Tripcase. These motherfuckers just emailed me back. You're almost there. Verify your email with Tripcase. Go fuck yourself. Dude, so basically I can't view when my plane takes off or lands because now I have to download a fucking app to say, you know, Eastern Airlines leaves, your flight leaves at fucking 11 in the morning and arrives at 7 p.m.

Why do I need an application for that? Can somebody from this new world of fat children where you don't go outside and you play your video games and you sext one another in the fucking sixth grade? Can somebody of age fucking tell me why in God's name I would need this app? I don't like the fucking word app. Download our app. Do you have our app? I literally I have to just just to find out when my fucking plane takes off. I had to fucking download this thing. They wanted my they wanted me to sign in with my email and my password. So now the cunts over there have the fucking password to my email. Like I don't I don't understand that. Why do I need a password? How do I know everybody at Tripcase is on the fucking level? You know, if you're not trying to figure out how to grow a kidney in a dish like okay and you're not out there trying to fucking prolong the life of a walrus. You know, I guess I'm guilty of it too. What do I do? What do I do to hurt the environment? What just what do I do? I take 40,000 flights a year.

I'm back to using Pam instead of putting butter in the skillets. You know, because my wife wore me down. I don't understand why you just don't use Pam. You know, fuck that bitch. She's fucking up the ozone layer. You know, I try to be like that. That doesn't that doesn't work. That doesn't work when you live with somebody. You know, at some point you just got to be like, all right, you know, I'm sure there'll be plenty of ozone left for my life as we sit here in the middle of this heat wave. Anyways, so I had to just bug somebody who's in the middle of her weekend to tell her, can you just copy and paste what airline I'm on, where I'm going and when can you do that. So I don't have to go to trip case and download their fucking app. Is it really the fault of the people at trip case? Hey, God bless them. You know what they could have gone and fucking work for somebody else. But no, they all sat together and they sold their skateboards and then they made this company. God damn it. They're trying to make their money.

What else they supposed to do? We don't make anything else in this country. All right, we basically we plant and grow weed and we create apps. That's what we do in this country. In the middle of it, we eat a lot of bugles. Okay, this is from the people outside of America. All right, if you haven't been here. And other than that, we make great music and great movies that you guys all then go and rip off your bunch of fucking hacks. Jesus Christ, has there been any fucking original programming that didn't come out of America? I mean, it's absolutely ridiculous. I mean, the failed attempt of Ricky Gervais and those guys who did the original office. Like they didn't know that we had the follow up in development. Come on, England. You're better than that. You're fucking better than that. You went from an empire to that ripping off our shows that we haven't put out yet, but you know, we're putting them out. Fuck you with your cup of tea.

Who's this? Oh, you hear that new stupid fucking ring? All right, like I'm on an island, but I'm not. Oh, shut up. How do you get to the stop? I had to download the new fucking whatever because my phone stopped working. The latest. It's like the fucking iPhone work fine. It's unbelievable. I stand on a fucking mountain. I can talk to somebody. I haven't froze to death yet. Why do I need it to be better? Why does it have to be better? I don't want to. I don't want to update anything else anymore. Okay, I'm done updating. I'm done with apps. I'm done with all of this fucking shit. Like I said, unless it literally is affecting my ability to live a healthy fucking life. I don't give a fuck about your app. Do you brush your teeth? Have you downloaded our app?

It'll really show you how to get in between your teeth. Really? The fucking dentist can't tell me that. You know, what are you supposed to do? All the factories left. Back in the day, you'd be in some auto auto workplace making a fucking fender. Oh, Jesus. Oh, hello, Mr. Boa. Welcome to your cell phone. All right, let's just shut this off. You know, I like about it. It's actually weirdly upbeat, which I think goes along with my fucking, you know, balances out my county behavior. Speaking of the dentist, I went to the dentist this week.

I sat in the chair boo boo boo boo boo. And his mother fucking gave me clean my teeth. I laid down in the chair, whatever sat in the fucking chair and I got what's known as a deep cleaning. You know, like six months ago or whatever July was, what's that eight? Come on, eggheads. How do you look at the calendar? I'm sure it's in some beautiful mind way. Well, it's 172 days again. It actually wouldn't be. That's over a year, 365 days in a year. Really? All right. Anyways, yeah, so I was supposed to get this. I don't know.

I got my teeth cleaned, like, I don't know, about a year ago this time. And then I went back to the dentist over the fucking summer. Oh, when do you put your fucking boat in the water? Come over there with a pack of fucking coarse light, dude. Scrape it off the fucking particles. And I guess on my last trip to fucking the dentist, to fucking the dentist, I agreed to get this deep cleaning, deep cleaning. Ron Jeremy stars in deep cleaning.

I, um, I agreed to have this fucking thing done. And, you know, I don't listen to people. All right, I don't, I look, I'm sort of looking at you and I'm nodding. Yeah, sounds good. Sounds good. Just stop talking. Leave me. I want to get out of here. So I come back in July and rather than the lady who cleans my teeth, there's some dude sitting there with his smock on and he goes, all right, do you want us to numb you up? We got to numb you up is what he said.

And I went, well, well, I thought I was just here to get a cleaning. What are you pulling teeth out? He goes, no, you said last time that you wanted to come in for a deep cleaning. Right. And I was just like, all right, well, look, how long is this going to take? I said like 90 minutes. I'm like, I don't have time for that shit. I thought this was going to be like 45. I said, I didn't say shit. But I said, listen, I, you know, I have other stuff to do. I have drums to play. I might go play hockey.

I might go fly a kite because I'm a 45 year old child. I have things that I have to get to. So they go, all right, well, all right, cool. We're not trying to hassle you, man. Just reschedule. And I said, fine, you got it. You got it. Dr. Smoky Smok. And I'll see you later there tootsie lady. And I walked out and I've been trying to get back to do it.

And I just, you know, I traveled all over the place. I got married, all this fucking shit happened. So now, now I finally go in for the thing. I go in, I say, all right, let's do this. So I go, okay, so you got to numb me up. And he said, well, it's optional. I go, what do you mean it's optional? Well, some people, you know, they get numbed up.

Other people don't. I'm taking basically a Drilly thing and I'm going in between your teeth and it can kind of irritate your gums and blah, blah, blah, blah. And I said, well, do I need to get numbed up? And he said, well, personally, I don't do it. So I say, all right, well, fuck it, let's see how it feels. Let's see how it feels, right? So I got to tell you this, unless you have like, you know,

your teeth are sensitive to cold, you have like a little bit of a nerve involvement. I'll give you a pass on that, but people get numbed up for that. You know what? I'm not trying to talk shit here, but you're a bunch of pussies. Was it irritating? Yes. Was it something I would like to be feeling every day,

every moment of the waking day? No. But was I screaming bloody murder? Not at all. It was fine. And you know, it was great when I walked out. I didn't, my face wasn't numb. You know, like that Bill Cosby bit.

Hey, I saw Bill Cosby this week. I saw him. He's walking right down the street now. I saw him out and at the Pasadena Civic Center, Playhouse, whatever they called it. And it was unbelievable. The lovely Nia took me there for Valentine's Day. Took me out.

First of all, that's the first time I've been out on Valentine's Day in years because Nia's cool as shit. And I just said, listen, this is stupid. This is stupid to go out on this night. You guys know this deal. Maybe there's somebody new, somebody from Oshi. Not Oshi. I'm thinking about who scored all the goals there.

What the fuck? Christ, I can't. Sochi, somebody in Sochi, right? Hey, how about a fucking round of applause for Bob Costas? You know, toughen it out. Jesus Christ. Putting the glasses on. Every day that infection got worse in his eye.

Then it jumped to his other eye. They just kept pulling the camera back. Started up with a, they had like a fucking three quarter shot by the end of it. He was like on the other side of the studio. They'll pull back so far and finally just said, I was literally by the last night I saw him. I was just like, dude, he should just go home. Just fucking going to say fuck it.

You know, I've, what, you're not going to call me for the next Olympics? Matt Lauer is going to come in here and kill it so hard that you're not going to hire Bob fucking Costas. I've been around since the ABA. Go fuck yourselves. I'll see you guys in two years. And then he finally left. I think he left. Good for him.

Good for him, but he toughed it out. He toughed it out. So anyways, um, so I'm on my way to, uh, over to Pasadena, which is where, uh, Dr. Cosby show my respect here was performing. And, uh, dude, I got a suit and tie on everything. It's, it's obvious because it's Valentine's Day. Three reasons. Valentine's Day. I'm seeing, you know, out of respect for Nia.

And then also, you know, I'm seeing Cosby. And then lastly, I buy these fucking suits and I never wear. I wear them once, put a gun to my head and I do five minutes on a talk show. Hope I don't fall off the stage, you know, which is the only way anybody's going to see your set on a fucking talk show. Now, if you do stand up, if you kill, nobody sees it. If you fall off the stage, you get dick falls out of your pants. It's going to get a hundred million hits. So anyways, I have all these, these suits from my numerous TV appearances.

Um, and, uh, I'm like, I got to wear these motherfuckers. So I was driving over there and I couldn't, I believe the traffic and I can't believe. Oh, I don't believe. I don't believe the couples put themselves through that shit. Why would you do that? Don't do that to yourselves. Okay.

There's a couple of five and I know you got what you guys are saying. Billy, you fucking say this every week. Well, fuck you. I saw the traffic out there. Obviously, nobody's listening to me. What you guys can, like, I'll tell it this way because you guys already know this shit. Can, can you tell other people? I would, there wasn't, you know, if I can accomplish anything in my life, if I could just sabotage that fucking holiday,

this got to be like, I was just going to say the anti-holiday Valentine's Day, then that becomes a fucking crowded mess. Okay. There's a number of gatherings that you do not have to participate in and you can immediately, without making a dollar more an hour, increase the quality of your life. All right. You don't need to go to Super Bowl parties. I already told you how to get through that. Now Valentine's Day, you don't have to fucking go out.

I already told you how to do that. St. Patrick's Day, stupid, fucking stupid. Go out on the 16th. Go out on the 16th. I know you're thinking, what about the 18th? Well, everybody's yacked in the bar and no matter how much Clorex they use, you're still smelling that stomach acid. Okay. Sorry, ladies who are listening to this.

You go out on the 16th. All right. Unless the 16th is the Friday night because then everybody's going to be drinking all weekend, whatever you do. If that's the case, go out on the Wednesday. I was fucking dumb. They don't even have St. Patrick's Day in Ireland. They don't even know who the guy is. They don't even wear green in Ireland.

You think everybody's over there with an Irish sweater on, cutting into some soap after they jumped off a horse to let you know how to wash your fucking taint? They're not. They're going to work over there. Dressed like coach on chairs and they're going into their fucking cubicles. All right. And they put their hands in their keyboards and between their knees, they got themselves a flask. All right. And that's how you celebrate St. Patrick's Day.

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All right. Well, let's talk about the cause. All right. First thing, I get into, I pull up to the theater, right? And, you know, it's Valentine's Day. There's a bunch of fucking animals out there. And I'm like, I don't want to try to find the parking garage. I don't know where it is.

And then I see valet. And I'm like, oh, valet, fuck it. Fuck it. I'm going to valet a Prius. Isn't, you know, a 2008 Prius with a bird shit stain, the likes of which I haven't seen since owning the car right on the windshield. I'm pulling up and I'm valeting it. And right as I pulled up, I started thinking, well, this is like a 3,000-seater.

What if half the crowd does this? How long am I going to be waiting? And I was just like, oh, fuck it. My feet hurt. I'm valeting. So I valet. I walk into the theater and, you know, tickets work. I ask for no duels.

They don't have any. So I get a fucking water and I get some wine for my wife, right? So we go into the theater. Beautiful theater. Lovely theater. Made in the 1930s, right? And we go in there and the first thing I do is look at the stage. It's the coolest thing ever.

It's like, there's this little apartment up there for Bill Cosby. He has like a little four-by-four rug, Oriental rug. All right? No offense to the Orient. And he has a chair and then next to it, he has a little like nightstand, little table with this little, I don't know what, little cooler that has all his drinks in it. And then he has his little headset thing. It's the coolest thing ever.

And so we're sitting there. It's supposed to start at eight o'clock and right at eight on the nose. No opening act, no intro. He just walks out on stage. I was actually looking down. I don't know what the hell I was doing. And the only reason I knew he had walked out on stage is because the crowd started cheering. And of course everybody stood up and all that type of stuff.

And he went over and he put on his little headset thing. That's like see-through, like John Bonham's Vista Light Kit. And so you don't even notice it. He puts that thing on and then it's like he's sitting right next to you and the guy, and literally he sits down and kills for two and a half hours. Two and a half hours, he's 76 years old, 77 this year. Two and a half hours, absolutely destroys. His first like bit took a half hour.

I was talking about Valentine's Day and how you got all the pressure to get, you know, the woman something and all you get is a card. Starts with that premise and then just goes, I don't know where he went. 30 minutes later, he brings it back to that to a thunderous applause break. And I looked over at my wife and I go, that's his first joke. Half hour in. So he did two and a half hours. So I guess that's like what?

He did five jokes. It was amazing. And what, I don't know, I'd never seen him live, like just do a full set and get to sit in the crowd. It was an unbelievable honor. It was the best Valentine's Day gift I've ever got. And she's, she always gives me something nice and, but that was the best. And it's definitely a bucket list thing. And just to be able to sit there in the crowd and watch him do his thing.

As I've tried to do what he's done for 22 years to have that perspective, to have the perspective as a, as a, as a fan and an audience member. Like it was working on like five different levels. It was, it was awesome. And then I walked out and I ran into like three other comics. They, you know, that I knew and we're all geeking out of you. Two and a half hours. Can you fucking believe that?

I've never done two and a half hours in my life. Got 76. It was awesome. And then I walked out there and there must have been 900 people waiting for their valid cars. So I just stood there. Up by the theater with a couple of the comics. And we just sat around just giving each other shit and talking about the business and all that. And then just kept going back to how amazing Bill Cosby was.

So if you get a chance, it's really cool. He's also, you know, he just put out that special. So he's, he's working on some new material. So I got to see that. I got to see Bill Cosby workshopping material that, you know, you know, you see which ones that are already monster bits. And then you see the other ones that are on their way. It was, I got the hiccups. No, it was, it was, it was amazing.

So, you know, definitely if you, if there's very few masters out there that you can go watch them live, creating live. I highly recommend going out and seeing Bill Cosby man. It was awesome. It was awesome. And I got to wear a suit, you know, so it was a fucking two four. All right. Oh, this is something I have to mention. Hey, everybody, do you like buying shit off my website?

Well, I got some new stuff. I did a tour at the end of last year right before my European tour. Oh, I did that run of dates where I played the beacon in New York City. I played Constitution Hall in DC. And then I played tower theater three, absolutely legendary venues. I still can't believe I got to perform there. And as always, thank you to everybody who came out. I have a limited amount of posters left over from that tour.

And they will be going on sale. I believe like on Wednesday of this week, there's like 300 left. It's first come first serve. The posters are 20 inches tall and 16 inches wide. They will arrive in a shipping tube and reading all this stuff. You know what? I am in and in the effort to get these things out of my house and to give you guys more incentive. I autographed each one of them.

I sat at my kitchen table and painstakingly autographed 300 posters. It must have taken me at least 17 minutes. My wrist is still sore. I live a very difficult life as an artist, whatever I have posters, autographed posters. If you want them, they make a great gift at 20 bucks plus shipping. It's going to be autographed. You know, and if you go to give it to somebody and they don't like it, you got the empty tube to smash over the head when you're done.

And then you pick up the poster and you get it framed yourself. Not because you like me, just because it will always remind you of hitting that person over the head. You know, it's great about the poster tube is you get the release like you fucking smashed a bat over somebody's head without having to get rid of a body afterwards because it's just cardboard. You know, if I ran a prison, I would allow everybody to have a poster tube and be like enough with the shanks people. All right, just hit each other with cardboard. If you break it, don't worry.

We'll make some more down the office. All right, everybody relax. We'll get you some pot cookies. You know, get you some porno. Everybody can rub one out at the beginning of the day. That way nobody gets raped in the showers. Okay, this is this is a new kind of prison. All right, just everybody just fucking relax.

All right, well, you're not getting out. So I don't know why you want to sit and fight with each other when we all get together. Maybe we'll write some songs. No, well, you know, it's it's it's it's it's what we'll work on it. Enjoy your enjoy your tubes. I took it too far with the song. Anyway, sorry, let's let's get let's get on with the podcast here. So I've been watching I've been missing all the Olympic hockey because it's coming on at 430 in the morning.

And because I haven't been drinking, I've been falling asleep like the middle age man that I am. Like I'm falling asleep every night like 930 10 o'clock and I and I and I wake up at like six in the morning where I could at least watch the third period, I guess, or the end of the third period. But it never dawns on me because they just woke up. You know, this is what I have to do before I get out of bed. And if your feet have fucked up, you know, I fucked up my foot too. I got that plantar fissureitis in my bass drum foot trying to get trying to play good times, bad times, my technique. I had poor technique.

And I don't know how does anybody know how to rehab that? Because every time I run or do anything that exerts pushing off with that foot, it comes right back. But I'm able to kind of, you know, roll a tennis ball under my foot and I'm fine. But like when I get up in the morning, if I don't want to have problems, this is what I do. All right. I wake up, I look at the ceiling. All right, I look over my wife and I'm like, good, she didn't leave me. All right, the dog hears me stirring and immediately I hear her, I hear her stretching because she makes, she makes this noise.

She goes, then she stretches again. And then I hear her dog licenses shaking as she fucking shakes her head for whatever goddamn reason. Then all of that happens is I'm looking at the ceiling. And before I take step number one, if you ever fucked up your, your whatever that is there underneath your foot. That tendon, if you ever fucked it up, what really fucks you over? It's that first step in the morning. All right, I learned this from another comedian who is a world champion. And this is basically what you do before you get out of this is what I have to do.

And I've never played organized sports. And this is just, and I, and I stretch and I still, you get to a certain fucking age like I literally throw out my back sleeping. I wake up like, what did I do? Was I lifting shit while sleepwalking? I basically, I point my toes at my knees. You try to do that. Point toes towards your knees. I'm doing it right now. And you hold it there for a good 10, 20 second count. Right?

One Mississippi, two Mississippi, but you say it in your head so you don't wake up your significant other. Then you point your toes down at the end of the bed for another 10, 20 seconds. You do that, right? So now you stretch the bottom of your foot, you stretch the tens on the top of your foot and then clockwise or counterclockwise. I know a lot of young people like Jesus Christ, what the fuck? Well, I got news for you. This day is coming in your life. All right, it's called your late 30s, early 40s. All right, then what you do is then you bring your feet to normal position,

stand it side by side like those fucking jerk offs that guard that thing over there in London. And then you either go clockwise or counterclockwise. You just make big slow circles. And then you go the other way a couple of times. Then I get out of bed and I gingerly walk, no pun intended. I know I'm a redhead and I twinkle toe on my way over to the bathroom. I just make noise. Oh, Jesus Christ. I curse and stuff as I'm walking over there. And then that's it. That's it. And then I have to go through the beginning.

I got a stretch. This is just so I can walk my dog down the fucking street and not be in traction. It's pathetic. It really makes me sad that I used to wake up. Remember as a little kid, you just woke up. You woke up and one of your other siblings was like, hey, you want to go outside and fucking play? Yeah, you just jumped out of bed and just ran down the stairs. Waffles that fucking cereal.

You just shoved the shit. You just ran out the fucking door. You never stretched ever. You never threw out your back. You're jumping over shit, fucking play fighting, getting into real fights. You were fine. You're brand new right off the assembly line. Brand fucking new. Then after a while, I don't give a shit no matter how much fucking juice is your drink. I don't know what happens to your tendons. They just fucking they shrink up after a while.

All right, I don't mean to depress you guys. You know, my latest obsession is when it comes to cars, like learning learning about cars and that type of shit is I am absolutely fascinated with differentials. I didn't know there was oil in there. All these years of owning cars, I didn't know that the oil was in there and that you've got to change it. When should you change it every 30 to 50,000 miles? I'm dying to fucking change it. I'm dying to take that fucking thing off the back. I've watched enough YouTube videos to know how to do it. Changing the oil, it's easy.

You just got to get one of those torque wrenches and know what you're supposed to fucking put the screws back onto. That one's per square, whatever the fuck it is, or is that air? I don't know. Fuck you, I can figure it out. But you know, it sucks on my truck, the 68F100. That backing plate that usually faces the back of the car on mine, it's on, it faces the engine. It's on the other side. So the drive shaft is there with that other fucking thing and then there's that. So I would have to take off all of that and drain it out. I don't know what you guys are thinking, Bill, for the love of fucking God.

Don't do that to yourself as much as you probably get a funny bit out of it. Please do not do that. I don't know, the other people who just love people, the fried and choids, they'll have you the fuck you say it. They'll be like, yeah, Bill, give that a whirl. See how that happens. That's a fucking scary thing to do because that's not an injury you can walk away from. In other words, you know what's weird at that point is if I did all that and I couldn't get that shit back together, I could still start my truck up and I could go through all the gears and all of that shit. Well, great. I guess the transmission fluid would be leaking out if I took off the fucking, would it?

If I took off the, what is that called, the drive shaft, if I took that fucking thing off. I'm going to do it. Fuck you, I'm trying it. So I'm just fascinated with the fact that I don't think it's ever been changed and that there's air in there from, it was put together in March, according to the number inside the door, it was put together in Ontario, believe it or not. Ford had an Ontario plant or something like that and in March of 1968 and somebody closed that fucker up and that air has been trapped in there. And I think it's high time I released it. I guess it's an ungodly fucking smell.

But I posted this video before for people like me who don't know shit about cars and are just starting to learn. It's a very intimidating part of the car. And to actually see the genius of how it fucking works, I'm going to post that video again because I absolutely love it. And I'll actually show this guy from Bleeping Jeep YouTube or is it Bleeping Jeep.com. He gets in there, he changes the oil and he does some other shit in there. And then on YouTube, there'll be a bunch of other fucking YouTube videos. We can actually look at all the fucking gears in there. The spider gears, the pinion gears, all that shit.

You know, I watched this guy take an axle off and all that type with the little fucking C-clant, whatever the fuck it is. I was fascinating shit. The balls to go in that deep. That's what I just have to respect. And speaking of respect, even though I missed all the games, I watched the highlights. I just saw the third period in the shootout of the USA Russia game. How about that fucking T.J. O.C. T.J. O.C.

He was just basically our fucking shootout guy. We just kept sending him and he delivered every time. Jonathan Quick, you know what I loved about him scoring that over is how he went the second he scored the shootout goal that had us beat the Russians. He immediately turned around and he pointed at Jonathan Quick. You know, something somebody else could have done when they tipped a pass to a linebacker about a month ago. You know, you can do that every once in a while. It's nice to see somebody do that. And Phil Kessel.

Phil Kessel has been crushing it, the former Bruin and now Toronto Maple Leaf, who I will be seeing. I will be going to a Maple Leaf game and I'll also be going to a Canadians Bruins game when I'm up there. I can't fucking believe it. I'm going to see two original six home games and one against another original six and the best fucking rivalries as far as I'm concerned. Over the years, you got to say that, you know, not discounting any of the great Detroit rivalries and some of that shit out west. Or even the Islanders and Rangers or Flyers and Penguins. It's just a fucking great league. Anyway, so that tour is coming up quick. I have a week's worth of dates back here for like four days and then I'm in Canada, man.

And I have not drank for 20 days by the time you hear this 21 days. And I got to tell you something. I am fucking miserable. I'm not miserable, but I miss it, man. I really fucking miss it. I'm not gonna lie. I don't need it. I don't need it. I mean, what do you really need? You know, did I need to buy another pair of socks? I have other socks, you know, but I miss it. I should have never broken up with it.

I'll live with this regret for the rest of my life. No, I'm basically, me and Verzi are not drinking until we get to Canada. Once we get to Canada, it's hilarious. You know, I was talking to him. I said, listen, Paul, all right. We both haven't drank in a while. I've been going easy on the stoves. And, you know, it would be a shame if in those 20 days we gave back everything that we gained. And he's like, oh, yeah, dude, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I say, yeah, listen, I'm not saying I'm not gonna drink.

I'm not saying I'm not gonna smoke a couple of Cubans, but let's just, you know, let's try to manage, you know, maybe the first two days we don't drink and then we go to the fucking Maple Leafs game. We'll have a couple of beers and Paul said, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then we just start laughing because we know what's going to happen. We know what is going to happen. All right. It's going to be a fucking shit show. So all I'm trying to do is drop as much fucking weight as I possibly can and get into such great shape because I know what the fuck I'm going to do.

It's over. It's fucking over. I'm going to do what every one of you guys would do. So don't fucking judge me. I can't wait. I can't wait. I wake up every day, you know, I don't know. Yeah, I feel good, but I don't, I don't know. What am I supposed to do?

I have a porch. How am I not supposed, how do you not drink when you have a porch? It's just a, I got a rocking chair. I'm, you know, it was easy to not drink when I didn't have a porch. I don't know what it is about the porch. I just get out there and all of a sudden I want to fucking want to drink. All right, let me do a little more advertising when I come back. I'm going to talk about my ADD and I want to thank everybody who's been trying to help me with it now that I finally agreed with my wife that I have.

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Go to evoise.com and enter bill at checkout for your 60-day free trial. That's evoise.com promo code B-I-L-L. You know, it's funny with those reads. I was actually thinking through the first couple. I was like, I'm doing a great job. And then all of a sudden, that voice in my head, whatever you do, don't fuck it up. And of course, you start fucking it up. TJ Oshie doesn't think that shit.

Phil Kessel doesn't think that shit. That's why he puts the biscuit in a basket. All right, so I mentioned ADD last week that I've finally given in that I fucking have it brutally. And so people sent me all these links. And as far as I can tell, other than trying harder to focus, you got to take some drugs, man. And I looked at the list of drugs, none of which I would ever, ever in a million years, entertain putting myself on. You know, destroy your brain, beat up your liver. But oh, will you focus?

Be sitting there totally listening to every word as I got drool coming out of my mouth. One of the things Ritalin was one of the things that they suggested to take. Like who still suggests Ritalin? I've seen, I've even I have seen the stories. Okay, with all the sports and bullshit that I watch. Oh, speaking of ADD and speaking of shows that I love. Is anybody watching True Detective? Please tell me you're watching True Detective.

If you've seen all four episodes, I'm not going to spoil anything for anybody. Okay, I just have to wait for that person to take their hands away from their ears. I'm not going to ruin anything. That's dangerous to drive like that. Stop staring with your knees. I've seen all four episodes and this past week's episode, certain people were going on and on about the way it was shot. And I think that they actually, which was amazing, but that gem of a conversation in the bar this week. I absolutely fucking loved it.

I thought it's very rare that I see a scene where both characters are arguing and I feel like they're both 100% right. They're both 100% right in that scene. And it's just, oh my god, fucking. Matthew McConaughey, Jesus Christ. Crushing it. Everybody is. Reggie, and even that prisoner guy. Reggie Ladoo.

Reggie Ladoo did this shit, motherfucker. It's Reggie Ladoo. I fucking love that guy. That's my new show, everybody. Considering gas monkey there. I know they were between seasons. Do you know how depressed I am when I get through all of the fast and louds? I watch all of them like three times and then I just have like my favorite ones where they just have certain cars.

What are some of my favorite ones? I'll tell you. I like the, some of my favorite cars that they've done was when they, which one was the, I would say the 55. Ford that they made for Mark Cuban. That, that one, I just absolutely fucked what they did to that car, painting it all white. I absolutely, in the interior, that fucking car and the way it sounded, then they did another one. They did this 1950 rocket 88 where they do this thing where, you know, it's starting to rust, but it's not like debilitating rust and they just put a clear coat over it. So you got this badass, mean looking car that you can lean up against and underneath it, everything's fucking brand new.

And it sounds like a fucking beast as they go down the road and they got the white wall tires. That was another one that I loved. What else? I even liked that crazy station wagon with that open like a clamshell. There's just been so many. I don't know. My favorite. And of course, though I've already talked about this, the one when Richard tried to sell the car back to the people for 30 grand and they knew what the fuck.

His brother comes in his brother wanted 30 grand and he busted him down to 18 grand and then his other brother comes back and goes, he shouldn't have sold the car. What do you want for it? And Richard was like, yeah, I was thinking like 30 grand. And the other guy's like, Hey, fuck it. I know what you paid for it. And then Richard just laughs. And then they settled for like 20 grand. He still made like 1500 bucks.

I fucking love that show. I wish they do more motorcycles. Anyways, plowing ahead. So my new show, now that breaking bad's over is that show true detective. Get in early so you don't feel overwhelmed like I am with house of cards. I know I have to start watching that. Just so many great shows. Shameless.

I haven't watched one episode of that. I got a bunch of shit. I have to get caught up on, but true detective. I don't know if it can get better than that right now, man. It's fucking awesome. See, but ADD helps me. Look at this. It helps me on the podcast because I just think of something.

I just go off. Like basically what I just did there, I was going to start talking about my ADD and all of a sudden I'm talking about a 55 Ford. Right. And then I bring it back around. It helps on this thing. Having ADD is great when you have a podcast. Because you never run out of shit to say because everything just fucking reminds you of something else. You just keep going.

But in my day to day life, trying to get shit done. And also trying to listen to somebody else. Like everything that they say reminds me. I just reminds me of shit. Other stuff. And I just start thinking of that. And I don't know. I don't even have ADD.

I'm just unbelievably self absorbed. It's probably a little of both. Oh, go fuck yourselves. What do you want from me? So anyways, yeah. Oh, don't forget to get your posters. I did mention that. I'm scrolling down here and also Amazon.com is a great way to donate to this podcast.

You just go to the, go to my website, billbird.com. You click on the podcast page, you click on the Amazon app and it just takes you to Amazon. I get credit for sending you there. It doesn't cost you any, any, any money. And they kick me a little fucking money for sending in there. So you can go there and buy a whisk. All right, dude, you called it. Here we go.

The, the, the reeds for this week, man. Dude, you called it. Bill, you called it last June on your appearance on Conan O'Brien, you told, you told Conan that Paula Dean would be back on television because she's a hundred million dollar whale. I read today she receives a 75 million dollar investment from a guy who owns Sky Mall. She's already in talks with a major, with major television networks for a new show. Great call bill. Love your podcast.

Keep being you. Yeah, dude. I mean, that wasn't, I mean, that was obvious. I just predicted that everything that has happened before would continue happening. She's back. She's back. I actually don't have a problem with Paula Dean. I think it's refreshing that she actually said, yeah, I've used the N word.

You know what I mean? She was honest. That's really what she was guilty of. She, she really could have just, you know what, I should really shut the fuck up because I can't even remember what she did. Didn't it start with she had a slave themed wedding? Oh, that's right. It's just, what the fuck?

You know what she's like? Is anybody watching the Haunted House show, American Horror Story? Nia's watching that this year and the theme was slavery. And I fucking, I can't sit there and watch that with Nia because I'm afraid she's going to cut me by the end of the goddamn show. And you know, as I'm like, oh, and I wasn't alive then. That's what she's like. Paula Dean is like, what's her face?

The woman from misery. She's like the real live version of that in that she's not like some dead living thing. She's actually alive and she can make cookies. But other than that, I think her politics are the same. All right, female athlete of the year is a horse. What? Hey Bill, hearing the story last week about the Seattle newspaper snubbing the women's championship reminds me of this story from a few years back.

The Daily Telegraph naming the Australian sportswoman of the year and it was a horse. He's got the link right here. I'll put this up for you guys. 2012, the year of the London Olympics where plenty of our female athletes won gold and gave great performances by our athletes. He means the Australian ones. They completely blew it off and they gave it to a horse. Here's the link.

Also, ever thought of adding Tasmania to your itinerary when touring Australia? It's the small island state below the mainland if you don't know. Got that welcoming. We don't get much down here, so let's make it a good one kind of feel. Last time you were in Australia, you mentioned how it sucked driving so far to get to different places. None of that here. You can cross the state in about five hours and take in whatever you want in between. Yeah, if you fly, right?

Oh, that's me. Oh, in Tasmania. I get it. Got some nice old theaters and the best beers in the country. Not only will you have a blast, I'll save $600 flying over to see you. A win and a win. Dude, fuck that. I'll go there.

They got some old ass theater. Jesus Christ. Tell me that's not haunted. How many indigenous people is that fucking built on top of? Is it made out of didgeridoos? Sorry, sorry for the hacky fucking Australian humor. I haven't been there enough to give you anything original. I'll be there.

Although I was upset that Bruce Springsteen played Perth and his band played Highway to Hell as a tribute to Bond Scott because that's where Bond was from and he's buried there. And as cool as that was, as much as I loved it as an ACDC fan, I was like, fuck. I thought I was going to be the American that goes over there and lets you know that I realized that Bond Scott is from there. I thought I'd get a little star on my forehead and Bruce Springsteen went over there and took it right from me. All right, I'm done with my temper tantrum. De-throning the bankers. Dear Bill, I know how much you hate the banker cunts and was wondering if you ever considered getting into Bitcoin. The decentralized nature of the currency creates no need for central banks controlling everything.

I'd suggest creating a Bitcoin wallet and playing around with a small amount of Bitcoin to learn how the system works. It's the most exciting thing in technology and finance since the invention of the Internet. Love the podcast. Thanks and go fuck yourself. And he's nice enough to leave the Wikipedia definition. Either that or Andrew Thamelis. Let me know what this is. Bitcoin is a peer-to-peer payment system and digital currency introduced as open source software in 2009 by Pseudonimus developer Satoshi Nakatomota. Nakamoto. Two Japanese people got the best fucking names. Satoshi Nakamoto.

It's a fucking killer name, Bill Burr. Satoshi Nakamoto. Nakamoto. Nakamoto. Satoshi Nakamoto. How would you say that if he scored a goal? I can't do it. Let me just continue here. ADD. It's a wonderful thing.

It's cryptocurrency, so-called because it uses cryptography to control the creation and transfer of money. Eventually Bitcoin capitalized refers to the technology and network, whereas lower case Bitcoins refers to the currency itself. Yeah. Well, the big problem with this is it's created by human beings. I don't think that bankers are necessarily evil. I just think that they have more evil than I am. They just, they're in a position to absolutely devastate everyone walking the planet. International bankers have that ability, but I really think that the more, I don't know, the more I read up on it and stuff, it's just a bunch of greedy cunts. And like somebody's saying right now, the big conspiracy is that they're going to try to bankrupt all currencies to eliminate all wealth on the planet and then come back with the new currency. And well, I know that they're not going to eliminate their own wealth.

So they're going to make everybody on the planet broke except for them and they're going to survive. Now, maybe they can do it, but how do you pull that off? That seems like that would have a very finite life before people were just like, all right. I don't know about you guys, but there's like nine people left in the world that can afford a three piece suit and it's not any one of us 7 billion. What do you say we go over there and beat them with their pocket watches? You know, it's eventually wouldn't that happen? I don't know. Yeah, I would just like to go back to just open bartering, just trading shit. Hey, I'll give you this shirt for that sandwich. I got plenty of shirts. Fuck going hungry again, but look at my waistline. It look awesome. All right, I'll read up on it, sir. I'll look up on it. I'll look up on it. I'll read up on it and I'll look it up.

How about that? I'll do both of those things. I'll look it up and then I'll read up on it. A lot of up going on there. All right, donation currency. Hey, Bill, longtime listener. Love the show. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Let's get right to the point. The person wrote blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Before you think I'll be an arrogant. Let's get right to the point. You should think about adding on another way of donating on your website, bitcoins. Why is that? You have fans in places so fucking strange that you don't even know where it is on the goddamn globe. Go fuck yourself. I know where most places are in the globe and I know their capitals. At least I used to. It's in my head somewhere. They use different currency, which might be a problem. Bitcoin is providing an easy way to, this is a commercial, an easy way to transfer wealth. Use it and welcome to the 21st century. By the way, I'm from Poland. It's really cold in here. It's a second language.

All right. I would think that if whoever starts Bitcoin, if they don't get murdered in the next calendar year, then it's just started by the bankers. Or they're just going to buy it up. They'll sell out, right? I don't know. I'm not going to fucking start using a new currency. All right. I saw what happened with the Euro. I'm going to go with Bitcoin that started by some fucking hippy Japanese guy. Or even worse, a businessman Japanese guy. Jesus Christ. You can't tell me they're not still upset by the two piece we gave them back in the 40s. Adopt or birth? Dear Billy Red Whitebeard. Thanks for the laughs and look forward to seeing you soon in Calgary. Calgary, Calgary, Calgary. I'll gladly take you out with a couple of buddies for some ice hockey and a couple of non-alcoholic brews unless you're back on the wagon. Yeah, let's get shit-faced and play hockey. Dude, I'm bringing my skates. You provide a right-handed stick and a ski parka.

I'll play some pond hockey. In which case, we'll enjoy some Grandville Island. Oh, is that some brews? I don't know what the fuck. I guess I'm off the wagon, Grandville Island. See what I'm saying? You see how much weight I'm going to gain up there? No, but then if I play pond hockey, I'll skate it off. Ah, genius. Anyways, my wife and I are toying with the idea of either adopting a kid or doing it the old-fashioned way and making a baby ourselves. She's only 27, so it's not like she's incapable of making babies, but she would prefer to adopt a Korean kid because A, those orphan kids need home. B, she'd like to skip the crying baby phase and C, that Korean kid will make me filthy rich one day. Jesus Christ, doing what? Personally, I think if it's a female, get it into golf because they're destroying female golf right now. Ladies, they're hitting off the lady T's there. Personally, I think all her reasons are legit, but I'm seriously freaked out that if we give birth to a second baby,

I'll love that second baby more than my Korean kid. That happened to a friend of mine who adopted and then had another kid and was ashamed of himself, and he honestly felt more love for the second one, even though he still loved the adopted kid. What would you do here if you were me? Adopt or make one yourself? I can't make that decision. I think it's natural that you feel more of a connection to your own kid, but I don't think that would affect the decisions you'd make unless you had some Sophie's choice that you had to make. I think your buddy's just being really honest. I don't know. I don't think it's a good reason to adopt a kid because you think it's going to make you money. Those orphan kids do need homes. I agree with A, B, she'd like to skip the crying baby phase. Both of you guys are a couple of psychos. You're trying to make money. I don't think you want a kid. Skip this crying baby phase. That doesn't sound like a mom. What about when it can talk? It's the whiny phase. I don't want to eat vegetables.

Well, fuck you. You're not mine anyway. You want to go back to the orphanage? Do you know how much it cost me to fix your baby teeth? That's what she's going to do. I think both of you guys should have a kid when you want to have a kid for the right reason. Maybe you're just trying to be funny. I don't know what. I don't know. Jesus Christ. All right, ADD. ADD coming to a theater near you. Hey, Bill, you're a funny guy. You amuse me. But before you go all peshy, I thought I'd run something past you. Does that mean Joe Pesci or does that Italian for fish? I don't know what that is. Your recent self-diagnosis of ADD. It wasn't self-diagnosis. It was from my wife. I think could be PTSD. He said not showing me any sort of credentials. I'm not an expert. Okay, so now I can't sue him.

But I have a self-diagnosis of myself with this condition. Isn't the internet wonderful? I had an injury to the left side of the brain when I was young which led to the right brain compensating and in turn this led to above average creative skills. Hopefully you're just a naturally funny fucker but I suggest reading about this condition if you've been looking into that stuff. Well, I got run over by a jeep. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Hey. Wait. You had an injury to the left side of your brain. That's where I got hit. I was riding on my bicycle. I was trying to beat my brother home. I crossed the street without looking and I got hit by a jeep. I was upside down and I got hit right on the temple.

So I told you guys about this before. When you bite down on your molars, put your hand right on the side of your temple because if you're pointing like, ah, that's a smart suggestion there, Brian. Yeah, that part of your skull. Put it right there and then bite down on your molars. You feel that thing that goes in and out? That's right where I got hit and it happened on a Wednesday. I remember that because the doctor said I didn't have to go to school for the rest of the week and I got a four-day weekend. Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday and my fucking jaw hurts. It hurt to open, it hurt to chew so I ate with a little spoon and I had raisin bran. I remember all of that.

I don't know if that's why I became what I became. I wonder if that's true. I have no idea. I made people laugh before that. I was fucking killing it in kindergarten. That's interesting. I will look that up, sir. PTSD. All right, you know what? That is the podcast for this week, everybody. That's the podcast for each of you. Now go back to work. Look at your spreadsheets. Not at your boss and act like you're fulfilled. But secretly take another step towards your fucking dream. Before you walk in and shoot up the office.

All right, everybody, thank you for listening to the podcast. Go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you next week. Thank you to everybody who's coming out to the Patrice O'Neill benefit. It means the fucking world to me and everybody else on the show that a bunch of knuckleheads like us, we actually stepped up and created the opportunity for you guys to do what we knew what you would do. And thank you to the Opie and Anthony show. God knows they move most of those tickets. And all the fans of that show, it's really, it's the highlight of my year, man. It's just awesome. It really is awesome. All right, there you go.

Go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you next week.