Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 2-17-20

Episode Date: February 18, 2020

Bill rambles about the XFL, nutrition, and being a parent.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, February fucking 17th. What's going on? How are you? Ah, Jesus. Oh, busy, Bill. What's he gonna do now fucking sitting in a car while my lovely daughter is in one of

her classes with her mother? So this is the only time of day I have. It's a day off out here. I don't know if you guys get the holiday. Is this MLK day? Is this President's Day? Is this Flag's Day? Huh?

It's some day and I got today off, but you know what? You know, when you're a parent, for all you non-parents out there, if I could just talk down to you for a second about how difficult my life is because I made the conscious choice to become a parent and now I'm gonna lecture you as if you made the decision that I became a parent. Is there anything worse than listening to these fucking asshole parents talking, ah, you know, how hard it is and how deep it is and how much they love their kids? You know, not saying I don't do it, but Jesus Christ, I should be allowed.

Everybody else shouldn't be. In my world, I'm allowed to bitch. Nobody else is. You know, isn't that how it works? Well is it? Um, well this is gonna suck because it's gonna eventually get fucking hotter and hotter in this goddamn car as I'm running my mouth. So that's just, you know what?

It's just something I'm gonna have to deal with. This is just one of the sacrifices you make when you become a parent. Um, so, oh fuck, somebody's calling me, Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ, one hour. That's what I just, that means I'm calling you back in an hour and if you don't know what that means, you don't call me enough and we're not really friends. You know, I just feel like as a parent, if I'm doing, if I'm doing a podcast, people should respect how tired I am. You know what kills me is fucking Leonardo DiCaprio already made a movie called Blood

Diamond. Okay, so people saw how hard people are really working yet they still bitch about being parents like what they're like. They're out there with one fucking arm digging shiny rocks out of a fucking hill. You're not. All right. Music over and over and over again. It drives you a little crazy.

It's about it, but you still, you got all your limbs, right? We've been listening to this French CD, you know, on like a loop. My kid knows all the fucking words low to say, well, I'll see some so dig easy, dig easy or something like that. I don't know what the disguises. I don't know what the fuck it is on par france and Cameroon on par france. Um, yeah, you listen to him a lot of times and that's hard. You know, I know getting blood diamonds out of the fucking side of a hill inside a hill

with one arm and not making any money, right? Or maybe stealing it somehow. And then I can't, I can't say that cause then I'll ruin a movie. Um, all right, let's plow ahead. Shall we? I know I did some things this week. I just can't remember what I've been working so much. I did flappers last night out in Burbank.

I'm going to be there again tonight running my hour cause I've been really busy and, uh, I have a bunch of shows up in Vancouver and you know what? I got to tell you something. I have a tremendous respect for all the stuck up cunts up there in Vancouver who want to act like they're in some sort of European city when they're really not. All right. They're really in some cow town that they put some skyscrapers in and then, you know, because they're near the water, they feel like they're cultured.

Okay. So I don't need them and there's snarky reviews coming at me. So you know, I did some, um, I fucking riff this thing about beautiful women the other night and it killed. And then last night I tried to do it and it felt, felt flatter than my fucking ass on a Sunday, whatever that means. Uh, so that was a little disappointing, but, um, the other shit is really working out for me and, uh, I don't know, I don't know where my act is right now.

I had this whole new fucking act and now I added a couple of other things and all that shit that I thought was part of my new act just got sent down the fucking river. Um, I did like a little over an hour last night and I feel like I did four subjects, you know, because I've always been a long winded hack. But anyway, I'm going to run my hour again tonight and flappers. I'm not sure if there's any tickets left, um, but, uh, it's going to be a good time and I'll be ready to go come a Thursday, Friday, I think Saturday. I don't know what the deals, you know what's killing me is the, my Boston Bruins who picked

up four points this weekend, they beat somebody and I've watched the game and I, I have such a dad brain. I can't even remember who the fuck they played. I watched the middle of the second period until the end of the game and, uh, I watched the flyers play Tampa Bay. That was a fun game. And then, uh, what else did I, and then the Bruins beat the Rangers. That's right.

Well, they're also playing Vancouver. They got a little West coast road trip coming up and the day after my gig, they're going to be, uh, they're going to be in Vancouver. Now the old me before I became a parent, I would have stayed, but you know, as a parent, you have to make sacrifices. Um, no, I've already been to a home game in the Vancouver, Vancouver, Canucks. I've already seen Bruins games. I've seen Bruins games on the road.

Uh, you know, you just do the math or do I want to go home and ride bikes with my kid? You know, it's a no brainer. Then she'll take a nap and I'll watch the fucking game. Perfect. Perfect. That's what I'm talking about. Hey, is, uh, there's what's his face got his 40th goal yet? Huh?

88 there in the Bruins. Why can't I remember anything this morning? Who's on our first line, Marshawn, Pasternak, David Pasternak, Jesus Christ, uh, is he got his 40th yet? He was stuck on 39 for a couple of day games. You know, can I be an out of shape fucking sports writer now and ask him what's going on? Does he think he's going to stop at 39?

I mean, March is coming up. Do you think you'll make 50 if you make 50? What's the bonus in your contract? I think players should be able to opt out of fucking post game interviews. You know, I think the league got to lighten up on selling the game. All right. The game is sold. We're all there.

Half the people in the crowd are dressing like they're playing at the fucking game, right? For God's sakes, what more do these guys have to do? Ask to say, answer the same stupid, or at least you ought to be able to just sarcastically answer the questions. Um, like I saw this one guy do, they were like, you know, you got out rebounded, uh, 40 rebounds to Fagan 22. Uh, can you explain it? And he said, well, you know, basically, you know, the ball hit the cylinder and you jump

up and you reach and you grab the ball and you pull it down. You know, if the other team does that more times than you, then they get more rebounds. It's tremendous. Tremendous. You're going to fucking sit there and ask a stupid question. You should get that sort of a sarcastic response. I feel in my world, that's what I believe. Um, yesterday, me and, uh, Bert Kreischer, I got tickets to the Wildcats versus the Renegades,

the XFL game, and, uh, I don't think we could have had a better time. You fucking wrote over there, pulled in right as the game was starting. You know, they played in that little ass stadium at the San Diego Chargers, I think are finally moving out of the one down there in Carson, Los Angeles, whatever the fuck it is. And, uh, oh man, we had a great time. We had a great fucking time. I didn't get any souvenir. Somebody took my fucking Wildcats towel by the time I got to my seat.

Oh God, here comes the cops, here comes the boys in blue, pulling by my car. I got a microphone and headset on. Is this illegal? Am I a reporter? Let's see if he sees me. Does he see me? No, he doesn't. He was looking the other way.

Um, all right, so we went to that fucking game and, uh, it was just weird. I've never been to the first home game of a team of a brand new league, their first home game ever. It was fucking hilarious because you don't know any of the player's names. There's no history. There's no rivalry. So I just started cheering like I was a diehard fan, but like, you know, since the beginning of the game.

So I just kept saying shit like, uh, you know, when they were losing, like they didn't score a touchdown for the first three quarters. I was like, Jesus Christ, how long do we go? How many quarters do we have to put up with this? I mean, gee, it's been 90 minutes of this. I'm sick of it. This is what I'm paying for. And I was surprised by how many people around me didn't get what I was doing.

Um, you know, and then I kept making fun of you guys. If you go to an XFL game, you got to make fun of that ref with the red hat because I still don't know what it's for. So I was just like, Hey, what's your red hat for a red hat? Is the mic, right? That's the mic. It was actually somebody who recognized me at the game. He goes, Hey, Burr, shut up.

I don't know what happens when I go to a sporting event, even stone sober. I just become a fucking asshole. Um, I had a great time too. When it came down to crunch time, I was calling out plays, you know, red, right, 88, right, right, 88. Sixty four toes power trap. See if anybody would get it. Um, but we had a fucking great time and, uh, great fucking fans.

The fans were fucking hilarious. A lot of people boozed up. They just, they were fun. They just got into it. Oh, and then like, uh, the Wildcats were down, right? And they were trying to get us to do this. You know, you make an X with your clothes, let's claws out. You know, there was going to be a little hip hoppy about it too.

Yo, shout out to all the Wildcats out there. Claws out. Yo, you would cost the sun. Everybody's going to act like they're fucking they did a little jail time and didn't get raped, you know, you know that vibe. Everybody's going to act like they're fucking tough. It was a little bit of that. Um, the players thing, if I, if I could have some suggestions with the league,

the players are ramped up. They're not professionals. When it comes to speaking in a microphone, they're football players. So they're going to start yelling when they do, pull the microphone away from their mouths like I just did. They don't seem to do that. They just blow out your fucking eardrums. But, um, our seats were like in the sun, you know, and I'm a fiasco in

ginger over here. So, uh, I spent the first half, you know, with my hoodie over my head and I was like, all right, let's go stand up in the shade. And then that's when it became a good time. We started meeting all these people. Bert Chrysler was getting recognized right and left. People asking me to take a picture of the two of them was fucking great. Uh, Bert can't hide.

That's what I noticed about Bert. Bert can, Bert is very recognizable. You know, the second he steps out, they just, I don't know what it is, but we found Bert Chrysler's people there at the XFL games. Um, and we just stood up there and we were just, you know, we were cheering just acting like idiots. They got the wave going, which I thought was hilarious. They should do the wave.

I would never do the wave in an NFL game, but in an XFL game, I love it. Okay. This isn't the NFL. Why don't we do all of this shit? You don't fucking piss me off. Is there allowed to make two forward passes as long as you're still behind the line of scrimmage? You know, I don't know why.

And they were going, then this is just going to open up the offensive playbook. And you know what I saw yesterday? I saw two coaches trying to get a ride in the NFL. That's what I saw. All right. And Bert Chrysler said it. He said, you know, the, what they should be doing, they should, they should just be fucking throwing bombs.

That's what the AFL did. They opened the game up. Who is ever designed in the history of football? Who has ever designed a two forward pass play? Nobody. Cause it's not legal unless it was legal back in the crazy like Johnson days, but who nobody remembers it, you could be a fucking pine. You could be the Bill Belichick of the XFL design a fucking play that looks

like a sweep. I mean, it's really just a half back option. Thing that I don't like is that you have to do it. You have to do it behind the line of scrimmage. You know, it'd be fucking, it would have just opened the game up as if you could throw a forward pass wherever the fuck you were. So then you hit a guy, right? He catches the ball and he's running.

Now the other guy covering the other guy wants to peel off and help with the fucking tackle, but he can't because his guy will then become open. And then the other guy's running can does, does he have the intestinal fortitude as the two defensive back clothes in them to throw back against his body across the field that also opens up for an interception. He's not a quarterback. I guess if you did that would just become too crazy. I don't know, but I just feel like a bunch of people over in Europe.

Um, you're actually describing fucking who gives a fuck rules football. I'm sure I am. I'm sure you have a bunch of shit to say to me because I live in a better country than yours. Yeah, we're bankrupt. All right, we're fat. Okay, it was built on slavery and genocide, but when you take that off of the table, what do you have?

You have the land of the home of the free and the brave. We got planes. You want planes? We got planes. You want mountains? We got that shit. You want lakes? You want rivers?

What do you want? You want a couple of black bears, brown bears, whatever the fuck you want. We got all that shit. We have all of that shit. And we make the best music. We make the best blue jeans. You make the best fucking movies. You know, it's true and by we, when I talk about the arts, specifically,

specifically music, I'm taking credit as a white person, as if black people didn't help us tremendously. You know, we kick your ass in the Olympics. Shout out to black people, summer Olympics, that is, um, yeah, what are you going to do? Our Olympics are kind of segregated, huh? I'm an athlete. You're white.

All right. Put on some mittens. You're going to be at the winter Olympics. I know how to throw a javelin. Get the fuck out of here, whitey. Um, all right. I didn't think that my life would come to this that I'd be sitting alone in a car that's rapidly heating up, screaming into a fucking microphone with a windsock on

it, even though I don't have the windows down. I really didn't think that there was going to come to this, but evidently it did. But you know what? I just had one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen. You know what? I just had one of those fucking weeks. I had a great fucking week and then someone just had to be a cunt, you know? Now, if part of it is on me, I got to drink some water here, people.

So I don't pass out from fucking dehydration. You know, each year over 29 podcasters die recording their podcast inside of a rented Prius with the windows up. Okay. Now, if they're just doing a half hour episode, they have a 37% more chance of survival. Okay. I'm not saying that they're not going to walk away with some sort of brain

damage. I just want you to people to know the risks that I'm taking for your own free entertainment as a parent. Hmm. Hmm. I'll tell you, there's a lot of drinks out there, but is there anything better than ice cold tap water? You know, that is the greatest fucking drink ever.

Fuck all these goddamn deliveries. Okay. I will take my water out of the tap. I will boil it. I will watch a third of it go away into the air. I will watch a rain cloud develop in my fucking kitchen. Okay. When it reached the saturation point, I will then stick the pot underneath it.

And then I will drink that pure rainwater out of the pot that still has them, the pollution in it. Just making the whole thing a waste of time, more of a science experiment. All right. This is what pissed me off. Okay. I sent out a tweet. A harmless little tweet.

I know what you think. The second you said, I say a harmless tweet, you're like, Oh God, what white chick who decided to stop shaving or clam got upset? It's not, it's not one of those. I don't shave my privates. Now you know that I'm smart and I'm making a good point. Um, I don't care what's going on down there. Um, or up there.

Anyways, I, I, I said, uh, was going to get a breakfast to something like was going to get a breakfast burrito went with the oatmeal and fruit. Anyway, crucial old man decision, hashtag, no nap before noon. And the amount of shit that I got, actually, there's more protein in a breakfast burrito. If you knew anything about nutrition, blah, blah, blah, and all this type of shit. Let me fucking tell you, fucking internet cunts, something. All right.

Nobody knows what the fuck they're eating at this point. Okay. You can debate what group it's in, blah, blah, blah, blah, and all of that fucking bullshit. You have no fucking idea what was in that chicken unless you raised it. Okay. If you didn't raise the chicken, if you weren't rubbing that pig's belly before you fucking slaughtered the thing, I don't want to hear a fucking word out of

you. You don't know what they sprayed on your broccoli. I don't give a fuck what farmers market you go. I don't give a shit. If it says organic, I don't give a fuck. You don't know what you're eating either. So shut the fuck up. I do know this.

If I eat a breakfast burrito, it's like fucking Ken Paterra put me in a sleeper hole. All right. I'm sorry. Who used to do that? It wasn't Ken Paterra. I can't come up with Ken Paterra. Would he lift you over the head or was that Tony Atlas?

Wait a second. Who used to put in your sleep? Adrian Adonis, adorable, adorable Adrian, right? He used to put you in the sleeper. He'd go, good night, Irene, and then fucking put you in a sleeper hole. That's right. But if I eat a bowl of oatmeal, I feel light. I have energy.

This guy's was sitting there. So I'm so sick of people being afraid of carbohydrates. Carbohydrates don't make you fat. What makes you fat is fucking taking in more calories than you burn your dumb cunt. You know, eggs are not all bad. They're not all good. Everything.

It's how you fucking use it, right? If you just did heroin once a month, I'm sure it's fine. Once a month, as long as you didn't get a hot shot, I'm sure you'll get a I think you'd be okay. Isn't that right, sir? I got to let some air in here. Ah, Jesus. Oh my God, that feels wonderful.

Can you imagine if I get fun? You know, you fucking hilarious is normally this part of the city. I'd be worried about getting mugged. But for some reason, because I'm recording a podcast and I feel like you people who are listening, but aren't actually here, I feel safer. Oh my God, tremendous, tremendous, tremendous. Thank you. All right.

Excuse me, sir. You know, I was watching this fucking. So anyways, getting back to that shit. All right. I don't want to hear a fucking word of anybody about what the hell I eat. If I eat something and it makes me feel good in the long run, I'm not talking about eating a cupcake and being like, oh my God, my toes are twinkling. And before I have to take a nap.

Okay. If I eat something and it makes me feel good. All right. I don't need to be food shamed. I don't need to be carbohydrate shamed. Who the fuck has a problem with oatmeal and fruit? Fuck it's sitting there because eggs have protein. Well, yeah, you know, a lot of things have protein and then you throw a bunch

of shit on top of it and then you're having a fucking heart attack. It wasn't an egg. It was an egg and egg and a breakfast burrito. You find me one goddamn fucking personal trainer out there that would tell you a breakfast burrito. I'm not talking a healthy one. I'm not talking a gluten free one. I'm not talking a gluten free one.

I'm talking one that came off of a fucking food truck. There was a whole stack of them. All right. If I ate that fucking thing, all right, I would have fucking nose dived. And we all know what a cute little nose I have. And the last thing you guys want to see is for me to do a face plant. You already have to look at my giant bald fucking whitehead. All right.

Thank God I have a nose. Cute is a button right right in the center of it. It balances out my head, you know, I look like that. You don't want to give us the o'clock. You can't quite make a decision. No, I don't want to be talking about it. I'll tell you one thing. I gotta get me on the podcast.

All right, because for some reason. Okay. My wife, she's a little artsy fartsy. Okay. She's a little tipsy whipsy. She's a little cutie patootie. She wants to invest in art. I do not.

I don't know anything about art other than the less it looks like what they say it is, if the person who painted it dies, then all of a sudden it's worth money. So she showed me a picture or something. Right. And I'm like, all right. I go, what the fuck is that? She goes, you like this painting? And I'm like, no, she goes, you don't like it?

Okay. Now, when your wife does that mean that means you're going to buy it. When she asks you your opinion and you say, do you like this? When you say, no, I don't, when they go, why, or you don't like it, that means that's basically you ever see a boa constrictor fucking grab somebody. She just grabbed you and now she's wrapping around. And every time you answer is like that fucking animal exhaling and that just squeezes a little bit tighter until you pass out, except at least in those

videos, the animal dies, but as the husband, you continue living and you have to look at that thing hanging on your wall or sitting in your living room or fucking driving into your driveway that you didn't fucking want. So she's like, what do you think of that? I was like, I don't even know what the hell that is. And she's like, oh, it's, it's a, I don't know, it's a parakeet or something. I go, that doesn't look like a parakeet. She's like, see, that's what I like about it.

It's not open for interpretation. And I'm like, well, see, that's what I don't like about it. Cause it doesn't look like a parakeet. All right. Just because everybody figured out how to draw a parakeet in order to be different, you have to draw a parakeet that doesn't look like a parakeet. Now there's no rules. Right.

And now I got to buy this scribbled, double horseshit. And I saw this whole fucking documentary, or maybe somebody told me about it in a bar. I can't remember what was saying, what bullshit the fucking scene is that it's basically there's like four or five families that have invested in art and they move the market just like the stock. I don't want to get involved in that shit, but it's the thing. What do I want to do? Do I want to not, you know, I'm going to stick to my guns this time.

I already know she's going to get it. She's going to get that fucking goddamn parakeet sitting there. And then I have to sit there and, you know, look at the signature and then look this person up and like once a month, check the obituaries to see if this person died and I'm ever going to get my fucking money back. Um, you know what I mean? I mean, if you go out there and you buy yourself a one level ranch, you still got people know what the fuck it is.

And even if you lose money, you can get something for it, right? I don't know. My wife is more educated into that shit than I am. So I'm just going to like, I'm going to, I don't know what I'm going to do. Whatever I'm going to do, I shouldn't say it on this podcast because she'll probably fucking hear it and then she'll know my strategy. So if you're listening, sweetheart, um, I don't understand it. I fucking hate museums.

Okay. There, I said it. I don't fucking like them. I go in there, nothing looks like anything. Okay. I don't like that. I have to go into a painting and I have to figure out what the fuck this guy was trying to say.

Okay. It's like talking to a crazy person on a bus. I don't know what you're saying and I'm not going to say anything. I'm not going to sit here and try and figure it out. I'm not a psychologist. Okay. I don't know what that is. I'm sure it's amazing.

I'm sure it means something to you. I'm sorry that whatever happened to you happened to you that made you do that to a piece of fucking paper. Okay. You know what tree died and you just fucking vomited colors all over it. You realize that, right? At least it could be something that we knew. Well, what is it?

Um, yeah, I'm just going to. I don't know what I have to do here. I know, I'll just, you know what, you fucking handle it. Maybe I'll do that. Maybe I'll just let her do it. And then when we take a bath on all of these fucking paintings, anytime she gives me shit, I'm not even going to look up for my food. I'm just going to point to it on the wall.

And just be like, is that guy dead yet? Cause I can't get my money out of that fucking thing. Oh God. We got a three year old. Let's get an expensive piece of art and put it on the fucking wall. I'm being a jerk. I think it's cool that she likes that type of stuff. I'm fucking kidding.

So, um, you know, she wants a couple of artsy fartsy things on the wall. That's fine. You know, then I'm just going to be like, all right, well, then here's the deal. I have to be able to buy an artsy fartsy painting of John Bonham. Okay. Of some or something that I like. A beautiful woman fucking smoking a cigar and Cuba. I don't know something that I'm into, you know, anyway, um, actually, well, I

found the fucking video. Oh my God. I got to post this fucking video. I've been trying to find this video forever with this guy from cigar fiction outo tells the story about being down in Mexico. And this guy gave him a real fucking Cuban, right? And, uh, he just fucking took out the butane lighter and lit it up. And the, the, the dude almost had a heart attack.

Like, what are you doing? And then showed him the whole story about hot and he had three matches. Just look up cigar fiction out of three matches and he showed the patients. That's the greatest thing about it, even if it is, even if it's just whatever it is, but it's just like to do that and the focus and the concentration. Cause he doesn't, he doesn't, uh, he doesn't cut it and draw air in, you know, to help light it. He, he doesn't clip it.

He just fucking sits there with the match and slowly turns the cigar. He has those long matches and he lights, it takes three of them. And then he finally clips it and then he draws in and none of the chemicals off of the match are drawn in and affect the taste of the tobacco. It's just, it's awesome. And if you're a cigar smoker, your cigar smoker, you'll appreciate it. Um, unless you're a cunt, um, anyway, by the way, March 10th, everybody, old freckles is going to be playing drums with Dean del Rey.

Um, on his 40th anniversary of bond Scott, bond Scott died February something, 1980. So it's been 40 years and Dean del Rey's the man and he's going to, uh, do a tribute to, uh, to bond Scott and he's got all of these people coming out. Uh, I don't know if I'm allowed to announce the lineup, but I, I did, I did cause I don't know with everybody torn, but he's got some major, major, major, major musicians coming down there. And then I'm going to be sitting in for a song or two embarrassing myself.

Um, and that's going to be on March 10th at, uh, at, uh, the Avalon right across from, um, Capitol records on Vine in Hollywood March 10th. It's a Tuesday. All right. So, all right, let's read some of the advertising here. Where the fuck is my damn phone? I just had it. I don't have internet out here.

This whole fucking thing is just falling apart for Christ's sake. For Christ's sake, Bill. When are you going to get your shit together and get a studio? All right. We got some live reads here. Raycon, everybody. I don't know this one. Raycon, look around you.

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Oh Jesus. We're going to continue on. Remember this guy last week where he was talking about he had a hump in his nose. The Humpty nose is the nose that keep on growing. But it up, but fuck me, baby. Maybe you can find some chick that wants to sit on your face. Maybe she'll like that bump. You know, um, anyway, sorry, uh, nose hump surgery.

Hey, Billy boy listening to the 18 year old ask about getting rhinoplasty and wanted to chime in, chime in. All right. So those of you who weren't listening to the podcast, this guy just summed it up. There was an 18 year old kid was convinced that the reason why he hadn't been laid yet was cause he had a little bump in his nose. And, uh, I, I advised him not to get a nose job, just to start saying hi to women, making them laugh and someone would be sitting on his face faster than he could

say rhinoplasty. Um, I'm a lady and growing up, my dad always gave me shit about how big my nose was. Granted, it wasn't misshapen just long. He would say I had a bird beak. Jesus Christ. Why would you say that to your daughter and referred to me as a two can bird. I developed a big complex about it and looked into plastic surgery. And inevitably I pushed it out because of the pain I'd be in now married.

My husband loves my nose and says it's one of my better features. I'm still not comfortable with it, but I feel I have grown into it more. I have no regrets for not going through with it. And you found love. Parents, kids are going to be mean enough at school. You don't need to help bullies out by adding shit. Just don't, why would you fucking, why would you say that to your kid? I don't, I don't get it.

I don't get it. Depends on how old you are though. If you're like in your 40s, then I get why your dad would say it, you know. It was just a different time. That's just what you did. People just made fun of you. Right. Now we know that that fucks people up.

I can't imagine ever doing that. Jesus Christ. Why would you do that to somebody? I'm sorry that happened to you and I'm glad you stuck it out. Look at you. You found love and you found someone who really loved you. You know, all right, it's a good feel. Look at that.

Feel good story. Joel Olstein life story. Oh God, here we go. Joel Olstein's dad was a Southern Baptist pastor in Texas and started Lakewood church. Joel, I always wanted, you know, when you're the son of a pastor, does he make you like go out in the garage and preach to him? You know, until you're like crying and he's just like, you ain't going to bed until you make me get up out of this chair, feeling that Holy spirit.

Feeling that Holy spirit. This fucking guy just walked by looking at me like I was a fucking lunatic. And you know what? I am fucking screaming about the Holy spirit. God damn headphones and a microphone. All right, Joel decided I have to leave this door open. It's hot as fucking here. Sorry.

Enjoy the sounds of traffic. Joel decided to go to college, but didn't graduate. I like this guy. Instead, he started the church's television program. It became televising his dad's sermons. What we're dealing with here, ladies and gentlemen, is one of my favorite things on the planet, a self-made man. He did that for years until he's basically the Vince McMahon of preaching.

You know, Vince McMahon's dad ran a regional business. Vince took it over and turned it national, turned it into a national thing. Anyways, he did that for years until his dad finally convinced him to start preaching. Joel did his first sermon in 1999. Shortly after he started, his dad passed away from a heart attack. Oh God, Joel took over after that and continued on the old family business. Dude, he made it quick. He did his first sermon in 1999.

He's had that fucking, he's had that fucking astrodome, whatever the fuck he bought there in Houston, he's had that thing for 10 years. Jesus Christ, he made it fast and then a hot chicken showbiz. Shortly after he started his dad, okay, whatever. As you mentioned, he purchased the arena where the Rockets used to play and renovated it. That's fucking great, I think. You know, can you look at goddamn Atlanta, Georgia. That fucking Georgia dome was fine.

They just implode it and build a brand new one. It's an environmental disaster. Where the fuck did all the trash from the Georgia dome go? Right in the fucking ocean. Maybe they saved a couple of beans, sold a few seats. It's a fucking joke. Now something from Atlanta is going to try to defend it, you know. Reportedly, these renovations, by the way, is there anything funnier than watching

Houston Astro fans having their backs up about that cheating scandal? I mean, they've been nice to Red Sox fans, but if anybody says the Red Sox cheated on the last one, I'll be like, yeah, fucking absolutely they did. Fuck am I, I don't give a shit. Good on them. We're not giving the trophy back. Reportedly, Astro fans, you just got to roll with it. Be like, yes, we did.

You should try it sometimes. When's the last time you won one? Reportedly, these renovations cost over a hundred million dollars. How the fuck did he afford that? You get a loan and you're a church, so you don't pay taxes. So you pay it off fucking twice as fast because they don't take 50% of the income. Anyway, he does sell out the arena to over 50,000 people when he's there. That doesn't hold 50.

That doesn't hold 50. It's a basketball arena, probably with the basketball quarters, about 19,000. You fill in those fucking seats. Does he have people sitting behind him? He's selling anywhere from 20, I would say, to about 24,000. Anyways, he does sell out the arena to over 50,000 people whenever he's there. However, he doesn't always stay there, all in caps. You were wrong.

He and his wife are currently on tour. Oh, man, I wanted him so bad. Oh, I guess you got to keep fucking feeding the flock. Yeah, but for the most part, he's there, right? Even his talk show host occasionally, they'll go on tour. But I mean, they go to the same studio every day. They don't have to go to fucking LAX, but he probably flies private. Oh, man, if Joel Olstein, if you're listening, I want you to pray for my envy

that I have for you and your show business lifestyle. This is just this man is the greatest and he kept his hair. You know, he's just, you know, he's in great shape. God bless him. He and his wife are currently on tour. They are doing the Toyota Arena in Ontario, California. Get the fuck out of here in April. Then they'll be at Yankee State even May.

Dude, I'm going. I'm going to go with Bert Kreischer. I'm going to see if he's around. I'm not going to heckle. I'm not going to be a cunt. I just want to see it. Tickets are about 15 to 25 bucks. But when you figure how many of those gullible Jesus freaks he packs in there,

the high-pitched voice squinty-eyed cunt is going to make a killing. Good for him. Well, you know what? This bald freckled cunt is going to go see him. I'll go give him 15 to 25 bucks. Joel Olstein. Joel Olstein with the power of the Lord. He figured this game out.

How did he figure this game out? It's the best. It's the it's the best. It is the best. You know, and he has a very tough job because all he has is the Bible. You know what I mean? I mean, I know it's a lot of pages. I know a lot of it doesn't make sense to the average man.

But how many stories can you pull out and everybody's pulling from the same fucking? You know, it's not like a standup comedian. We got the entire fucking universe you can pull from. This guy just has the Bible. You know what? I'd set it that way on purpose because I'm trying to give him another subject. You know, somebody told me I was talking about me coming up with sermons. And they were saying, I feel bad for Joel Olstein because all he has is the Bible.

Let's just think about that for a second. All I have is the Bible. I have the universe in my hand. I better close my door. Somebody's going to fucking whack me. This is going to be weird. All right, sorry. God bless Joel Olstein and God bless him for making all those people feel good.

Somebody's got to do it. God knows the fucking bankers don't fucking Steve and cunts. All right, LA squirrels. Hey, Bill, I was wondering if squirrels in LA hibernate, even though it never reaches really low temperatures there. Do they still bury nuts out of habit? Let me know. Well, I'll get right on that, sir.

I'm going to start fucking observing the squirrels. I never really noticed that they took time off. We used to have a bird feeder. Sorry, I was hoping my fucking thermos there. We used to have a bird feeder and this fucking thing would crawl down. They'd eat all the bird seed and I'd have to wake up my pajamas sticking my head against the screen. Hey!

Hey! Fucking square! You know, you just want to make noise. Then my wife would wake up. What are you doing? I'm yelling at that fucking squirrel. It's out there stealing all the bird seed and then she would just start laughing. And that's why I married her.

Any woman that can laugh at me screaming, obligative, is that a goddamn squirrel at fucking seven in the morning is the woman for me. I don't know anything about LA squirrels. I do know that squirrels in London were red and I had an affinity for them. I'll tell you, it was the craziest thing. I was in Hyde Park and I met me and another red squirrel our eyes met, you know? And we kind of had a moment and it was like, this really is the motherland. I'm thinking about joining Army, few days to decide.

Jesus Christ. All right. Hey Bill, been trying to decide if I should join the Army or join the Army reserves. I'm 26 and just had to move back into lower level of a duplex where my father lives upstairs, cheaper rent. I was driving Uber after I got laid off and still doing that. While now searching for direction, I have a dream of doing comedy but I can't afford rent and I need health insurance as well.

So obviously I need a job that will suffice for rent and bills and hopefully have health coverage. Well, how do you start your stand-up career if you join the Army? And just to give you a heads up on the Armed Services, as far as the veterans that I've talked to, you want to join the Navy or the Air Force. They have the best living quarters and if you join the Army or the Marines, they treat you like a fucking animal, okay? That's what they told me, okay?

Anyways, I have practically no college but I do have massage therapy certificate and experience. The Army has structured, has structure and bennies and jobs but I feel stupid going in the Army because I don't believe it's for the country yet those are the values they uphold. Well, if you believe that the Army is fighting for corporations, I would not join the Army. Anyways, I have a few days to decide. Don't do it before an aptitude test.

Don't do it. But I want to decide before I unpack or move all my shit to the garage and ship out to some other state or country for full-time work with the Army. Don't do it. Also having trouble picking out a job out of their massive list. I'm too old to be stupid anymore and I don't want to set myself up so I'm not a deadbeat or a basket case in the future. I wouldn't do it.

Do you want to be a comedian? Okay. I would fucking drive for Uber. I would do whatever I want. I would make that dream happen. Okay. And do what we all do. Go eat some fucking ramen noodles and you know, dress like Malcolm Young, jeans and

a fucking plain t-shirt. And you do that until you fucking make money, all right? But if you're not buying what our foreign policy is, the last thing you want to do is fucking join up because that's not going to be good for them and it's not going to be good for you. All right? That's easy. Do not join.

Repeat. What are you doing? Right? I didn't hear you. All right. Not relationship advice. It's time for no advice with your host Billy Burr and I'm ripping off this melody from somebody else.

Dear Billy, the polar bear believer, okay. This is going to be a short one, but I messed up big time. I emailed my teacher on Friday. I accidentally ended with the email with love instead of sincerely. My teacher is also a feminist who everybody is scared of. It's a three day weekend and I have that class on Tuesday and I don't know if I should send another email about that or talk to her in person. I just don't want another Saturday school.

Thank you and go fuck yourself. What do you mean Saturday school? That gives a fuck. Who gives a shit? She's just your fucking teacher. You know what I would do? You know what? Let her sit in the awkwardness.

Why do you have to deal with it? You said love. He wrote sincerely, your fan. Yeah. Who gives a shit? She says, why did you say love and it's like just be like, is there something wrong with loving a feminist and then just look at her like she's out of her mind? Yeah.

This is why when you fuck up in life, I've learned this is a comedian. When you fuck up, you never, you blame the crowd. That's what you need to be doing. You need to be blaming the crowd. All right, people, I know this is only 50. I usually give you an hour here, but my daughter's class is over and I got to go pick up my lovely wife, my beautiful daughter and take them out to lunch because it is a holiday out here.

I work it on a holiday. And as a parent, you know, it's just so difficult sometimes to do 60 minutes of a podcast by yourself. Okay. I'm sorry. I came up six minutes and 52 seconds short. All right. That's it.

I'm going to try to go upload this thing at the fucking dance hall here. All right. God bless you. Go fuck yourselves. Take in an XFL game. Have a good time. It's a fucking great time. Great people are showing up.

It's a fun game. Who doesn't like football all year round? And guess what? If you're not into that, racing is starting up formula one, MotoGP. Get into it. It's the shit. All right. That's all I have is bread and circus for you.

I have no solution starting up the car. Here we go. All this is illegal. I have my fucking seat belt on. It's a kid music. Clap. Clap. I don't know what that means.

Go fuck yourself on, Francaise.