Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 2-18-13

Episode Date: February 19, 2013

Bill rambles about technology, meteors, and why you can't help a pussy in a relationship.

Hey what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, February 18th, 2013. And right off the bat you should be going like, well this sounds a lot different than all the other ones. Yes it does. There's a reason for that. The reason for it is because the Handy Recorder H4NR by Zoom, the Zoom H4N Handy Recorder is a fucking diva hunk of shit. Fuck that recorder in its non-existent digital ass. I've had more goddamn fucking problems with this thing. First of all to give you a fucking memory card we can record like just over a podcast or every fucking goddamn week. I start the podcast, if I forgot to erase the last one, I have a problem and I know what you guys are thinking, well Bill why don't you buy a new fucking memory card? Well I'm an asshole, okay? Admittedly I'm an asshole, but you know what I did? You know what I did people? Guess where all fucking Billy Redface went the other day? Well I went to the wrong place first but then they told me where to go and then I went and I bought a fucking memory card, some 60 fucking 4 gig memory card.

I stick it in this thing's fucking little slot there, turned it on, it says do you want to format the card? Why yes I would Handy Fucking Recorder H4N Zoom Douche, right? How childish is this right now? I'm trying not to be mad in an anime object as Joe DeRosa says, but I am. So I put it in there and it says error, can't do it. Then I go on the internet wasting more fucking time in my life. Are you technology douchebags out there who just think that this stuff makes your life easier? It doesn't, it doesn't because it's constantly fucking breaking down. And then I got to go on the internet and I got to try and figure out what the hell's going on. You know, sifting through all this horseshit and I found something and I followed it to the tee and it still says there's a problem. So what do I have to do? I'm in New York City right now by the way. I'm going to have to somehow get in touch with Bobby Kelly. And I'm going to flip the fuck out screaming about tech. This is what happens. This is how Bobby Kelly helps me with technology. I call him up. I immediately go on a rant about technology and the banking system. He sits back and relaxes, you know, probably has the phone like 20 feet from his ear.

And when I'm done ranting, you know, he'll just sit there and be like, I do. What's the problem, dude? What do you have? And I'm like this fucking piece of shit. Zoom fuck of it. Dude, it's not a piece of shit, dude. Actually, I've had that thing. It's fucking great. I got the new one. It's fucking wireless. And then he talks me fucking through it. You know, what kills me is I'd like to think that I'm just as smart as Robert Kelly, but evidently I'm not. He never comes to me for help. But I think that's because he's afraid. He's afraid of the feelings that he has for me. So anyways, I don't even know how to adjust these levels. I hope I'm not blowing out your fucking eardrums here. Anyways, you know, what's funny about all this was I was going to make fun of this kid who was having problems downloading my special. You know, and this is basically, you know, fortunately, I've had a nice steady stream of people downloading my special.

And I swear to God, for every like 50, 75 people that downloaded successfully, there'll be one person that has a problem. I get right back to him. You know, usually that day, if not within two to three days, I get back to him as soon as I can. We get him a new link and they get the special. All right. And I've actually learned a lot about myself reading some of these emails because the amount of people who immediately assume that they're getting fucked, that basically that I'm fucking them over, which, you know, like I basically, I announced that I have this special to download for $5. And once I get your $5, my game plan is there really is no link. Like how long could I realistically get away with that? Maybe for a week before all you guys talk to each other and just like, there's no link.

He's just stealing $5 from us. At which point I would become the biggest douche on the Internet and no one would come to my shows and I would go back to sleeping on a futon. So why would I do that? But what cracks me up is I understand the anger. As you can tell, I'm sure there's somebody out there who has a Zoom H4N handy recorder and knows exactly, you know, what two fucking buttons to hit and my whole world would be perfect. I have to tell you, it is an unbelievably confusing fucking device. This is definitely, this has to be some pro level shit because they did not dumb it down for someone like myself. So anyways, getting back to the, getting back to the, the downloads.

Okay, if you are having problems, okay, the link does work. Okay, admittedly a couple of times it has been a glitch on our end and we go out, we fix it immediately. You will get a link. I am not trying to fuck you over if you first, if you are just like, well, it didn't work the first time and I don't feel like waiting. I want my $5 back. I will, I will absolutely refund your money. You're not going to get fucked. Okay, you're not going to get fucked out of your money.

You're going to get the special, you're going to get your $5 back. So, I don't know, but I've actually learned a lot about myself watching people having meltdowns about these things. This one kid wrote me today. He goes, I would like my money back for my purchase of your special on January 25th, 2013. I never had a chance to see the special and I am deeply outraged by the horrible quality of your customer service. Please return my $5 to my checking account immediately. So, my Jesus Christ, did I miss this guy? So, I look up his email.

It's fucking hilarious. I've already talked to the guy three times. He got the initial link and we sent him two more links and he hasn't been able to download it. Okay, I got back to him every time, either that day or within 24 hours. And now he asked for his $5 back and I gave it back to him within like 45 minutes of him asking for it. All right? Now, I understand you're upset, dude, but how is that horrible customer service? Now, if you want to say it's a horrible link, you know, that's one thing.

My customer service, I'm going to pat myself on the back here. I think it's pretty fucking good. I wouldn't say it's outstanding. All right, I'm not trying to get trashed by other cunts who are now going to send me emails. I'm just saying. All right? Sometimes it does take me like three days to get back to you, but you know, I've run into mom and pop operation here. I got to fly to fucking East Bumps to do a show.

You know, that day, maybe I'm not looking at my emails, but I will get back to you. All right? And there's been a whole, there's been thousands of people, thank God, who downloaded my special successfully. So the link is fine. All right? I sent the guy a letter back. I told him, I said, dude, we got back to you. Every time you've emailed us and I just gave you $5 back, how is that horrible customer service?

I don't know what to tell you. What, what more am I supposed to do? Fly to where you live and stare at your computer with you. God knows I can't figure it out. This guy's deeply outraged over $5. Thank God my special wasn't 20 bucks. Like I wasn't selling like a hard copy of it. This guy probably hunt me down and shoot me.

Oh, speaking of shooting people, how about that fucking cyborg, huh? Allegedly shot his woman through the fucking bathroom door. Jesus Christ, huh? What a fucking creepy story that is. You know what's funny? As I was sitting here today flipping out about the Zoom H4. This is like the anti-commercial for this thing, H4 and recorder. This is stupid.

Please do not buy this thing because you'll end up like me. And I'm really trying to, to Rosa used to have this joke about him flipping out at a laptop and somebody saw him and said, hey, that's an inanimate object. You're better than that. But blah, blah, blah, blah. So I, for some reason last night I was flipping about, flipping out about how my internet sucks in New York. And now because I was so mad at the internet connection, I actually had the urge to grab my laptop, a completely innocent bystander and just fucking like sort of like a combination of a frisbee and a discus.

And I wanted to throw it through my window. Rather than using my brain and sitting down or maybe just solving the problem, maybe just calling up and canceling the wireless service and getting that little fucking, what do you call it, the internet stogie that you can stick into the side of your computer. So you have internet everywhere, that Bobby Kelly shit. I got internet everywhere. I stick to stick in. I put on my little earpiece dude.

It's all fucking wireless. It orders me a sandwich. Yeah. Anyways, what the fuck was I talking about? You know that guy actually, I made a bad move the other day. I asked, I called Bobby Kelly up and I told him I needed a new printer. And someone like me cannot talk to a guy like on Bobby Kelly's level of technology. Okay.

Because all of my shit is from like, you know, three presidents ago. All right. I don't like technology as far as I don't like new technology. Okay. I would be happy. I was happy with my life was in the 80s and I didn't have a laptop or cell phone. I was fine. I don't know about you guys, but I was eating three times a day.

I had a roof over my head. You know, I had a carburetor. I had no fuel injection and I was fine. My car couldn't talk to me. I didn't have any GPS. I, oh, I had a map. It's not like an old man here, but my life was fine. When I say I don't like technologies for all the douchebags already firing off your email.

Really? Would you like to go back to the cave mad days? You know what I'm saying. Past a certain point, this shit hasn't been helping me. Okay. Right. Right up to curing polio and penicillin right there. We should have, we should have just walked away from the blackjack table.

We should have left it at that. You know, then all we would have had to have done is just dealt with the population problem and that you just keep it in check. Okay. You get one of these mathematical fucking nerds. God bless him. And we just have a number that we will not go beyond. Okay.

And in a perfect world, everybody could join hands and we would all work together and there would be no countries, but that's not the way it is because of sociopaths, power hungry sociopaths and fucking religious psychopaths. Okay. If you could eliminate those two people, those two groups of people, you know, people who take the hocus pocus shit too seriously and then those, those fucking, those, those people who will do anything will fucking do anything. You know, the only feeling they feel is the Russia of putting their foot on somebody's neck.

If you could just get rid of those two people. I was kidding. Look at us. Look at us on the internet. Look at the way we trash each other. Probably still wouldn't work. But whatever. This is my utopia.

I think we should have tapped out somewhere around like, um, I don't know. When did the first Atari come out? You got to have video games, right? Asteroids was great. And you guys, whatever, you get bored with it. But they did come up with the new asteroids. Maybe that maybe the, the, the ship would be shaped like a square. Maybe the rocks were like hexagon.

No, rocks were hexagons. Well, you just make the spaceship the shape of the asteroids. And then the asteroids the shape of the spaceship. New spaceship shaped asteroids. And we all, we all would have been excited because we didn't know any better. Because we didn't know there was a battlefield, earth, part four, whatever the fuck it's called. Whatever you video guys are doing there. I don't even know what I'm saying.

So anyway, so Bobby tells me to get this fucking, I call that Bobby Kelly. Bobby is like, you know, when I go to Bob's, Bob's apartment or whatever, it's like walking in my world. It's like walking like nine years into the future. You know, remember when Yankee Stadium first came out and they were all arrogant going, we have 2013 technology in 2009. And when they said that shit, which really was the dumbest thing ever. It's like, no, if you had, you have 2009 technology that is not going to be available to a nerd like me. Not a nerd, a loser like me until 2013. You're really just sort of rubbing it in my face.

All right. Of course, all Yankee fans. Oh, they, they, they got technology from the future. Derek Cheeter. Right. Oh, if you fucking Yankee Jersey that you can't button anymore. Um, anyways, what am I talking about here? Oh, so Bobby, yeah, Bobby's like nine years in the future compared to me.

So he gets me this, I get this fucking date. It's fucking wireless, dude. Everything Bobby has has to be wireless. You know, it's fucking wireless, dude. I can, I can drive in a cab dude and I just think it's something it's, it's wired into my brain. It prints it out, dude. Um, so I get this thing. Of course, this fucking goddamn thing, I've probably used it 20 times, 17 times.

I've had a fucking problem with it. One time for no reason. I would, I would hit print and it would go through the entire stack of paper that I had printing nothing. Just printing. And I'm going, what the fuck's going on? Right. And then finally the last two pages, it would just print a bunch of code. And, you know, I don't give a fuck just at some point in that five minute exercise.

Fucking print when I'm trying to print. Never does it. So now I got to call Bobby up on this fucking print. It doesn't suck, dude. Just what's just tell me what go into properties or whatever. Click on the apple, dude. And I'm on the phone for like 45 minutes. I like my old printer.

It had a wire. It was tethered to reality. And I plugged it into my fucking laptop. You know, I like that real shit. And I'm like, it's in the air, man. I don't know what's going on. I can't figure that shit out. So anyways, I don't know what the fuck I'm even talking about here.

What am I really saying? Why can't stuff be easy? Why can't stuff, what I really want is for nothing to change so I don't have to learn anything new. I think that's what I'm really trying to say here. I don't know. I'm going to talk about New York City here in a second. Let's do a couple of advertisements really quickly. If I can get...

Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus. I'm going to drink with Joe DeRosa tonight. Oh, no. You know what? I'm actually going out to Hasbro Heights doing a benefit. All right. Legal Zoom, everybody.

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with $269 value for absolutely free. Be sure to enter BRBURR in the referral box at the checkout. Start your business, protect your family, and safeguard your assets at LegalZoom.com today. Alright, back to the podcast. So, back in New York City right now, I immediately went from absolute paradise as far as weather goes, you know, not as far as population and breathable air, drinkable water. But the weather's great, and I came into New York and, you know, I actually really fucking enjoy cold weather.

And the only thing that sucks was it snowed like five days ago. So when it first snows, it's beautiful. It's like a newborn baby. It's just gorgeous. Everywhere you go, it looks like a postcard. But, you know, three, four days later, it's just, you know, you think you're in Eastern fucking Europe, and that's what it looks like right now. It's kind of a nice sunny day.

But I got to be honest with you, if you're past the age of 40 and you're still dealing with winters, I just want you to know that there are options. You know what, keep living in the world. The last thing we need is more fucking people in LA. It's great, you know, you get the four seasons, you know, one and a half of them are nice. I like it. You know, I like to change your seasons. Do you have any idea what it's like to just fucking just wake up every day and the weather's awesome?

It's awesome. I know what East Coast, dude, you're going to lose your edge. That's how fucked up East Coast people are. We're afraid that we're going to lose our anger. Hey, you're going to lose your edge. But be careful, you might end up being happy. You might end up, you know, enjoying your life. Go easy now.

I remember when I first moved out to LA, the first time I was out there when I hated it. And this didn't seem right, and I fought it so hard to try and not enjoy it, but I did. I played roller hockey on the day of the Super Bowl in shorts and a t-shirt in this parking garage. It's the 90s, okay? Go fuck yourself. And it was roller hockey. I wasn't skating down the boardwalk in a fanny pack, but if footage of me doing that does surface, I would love to say that it was somehow Photoshopped.

For the record, I never had a fanny pack. But not because I didn't like them. I just found, I just, I wanted pockets. I just, I don't like shit on me. You know what I mean? I just, I don't like it. And it makes you waist sweaty. That wherever the fanny is, the pack is on the fanny pack, that's going to get all sweaty.

I don't fucking like it, you know? I just put the money in my sock and then my keys in my other sock. I used to be that guy, you know? Anyways, so I'm playing roller hockey at the top of this fucking parking garage. Look at how it was. It was me, Dane Cook, Rick DeLea, and Pete Cullen, right? For two on two fucking psycho game we had where it was like zero to zero and we were all such competitive maniacs. This is back before Tiva.

We almost missed the beginning of the Super Bowl because we had to play until somebody won. Or maybe it was one to one, you know, when you don't have that official clock or anything. It was the fucking shit. And we were laughing, just going like, my buddy was going, who loved L.A. I was like, dude, we're going to watch the Super Bowl. How nuts is this? Everybody back east is freezing their fucking balls off. We're out here in the sun, playing roller hockey on top of this parking structure,

hoping the security doesn't come up here. And I was buying into that whole, I'm losing my edge, man. I'm not going to be funny. Meanwhile, L.A. is one of the most difficult cities I've ever had to live in just as far as getting from point A to point B. And also trying to keep your head screwed on because, look, it's a fun place when you're working. That's all I can tell you when you're not working. And if you are out there right now and you're struggling, definitely don't be afraid to have a hobby. Don't be afraid to have something that you can actually fucking look forward to that will actually help you.

You know, some of these psychos out there with that 24-7. They've got to be about the business. Hey, you want to, hey, here's a free cupcake. Would you like a cupcake? I don't want to get out of the script here. You've got to get the script out. Who turns down a free cupcake? That's kind of weird. One man to another man, huh? Anyway, so I'm back here in New York and I don't know, it's weird.

I love New York, but I just don't miss it. I always thought I would miss it, but I don't miss it. I woke up, you know, a fucking god knows what time this morning. It's a holiday back here. I don't know if the President's Day is some shit. And some asshole has got his fucking stereo on. Like two floors down, one of those douchebags. Status is probably music is my life.

Music is the air. I bleed. Something trite that they're trying to make original or whatever the fuck it is. Life equals music. He's fucking playing his goddamn, I'm going to say stereo, because I don't know what the kids calling it today. He's playing his fucking stereo. From two floors down, I'm hearing this guy's the baseline of this shit. And, you know, I just don't miss it.

Like, this is basically, I live in a big house with like, you know, 700 strangers. I got to smell their food. I got to hear their arguments. You know, you always got some sort of, there's always somebody, there's always some old person who's been living there since like the fucking 60s, who's paying $3 a month in rent. And you walk by their fucking place, they're always making some sort of goulash. And the combination of that and the fucking heater that they can't adjust for some reason, and it's 9,000 degrees, the combination of that and smelling that goulash and that douche playing his stereo,

I just, I don't fucking miss it. Then I got to walk out and look at dirty snow. I've had it. I was like, oh yeah, I remember this. And then there's that, when it's getting spring in New York, it's beautiful. Fall in New York is great. Summer is cool for about two seconds before the humidity comes in. All the fucking crooked rich cunts slash celebrities,

they all go out to the Hamptons to go fucking air off their balls. And we got to sit here taking the goddamn subway and all off. It's the worst. It's the fucking worst. So I think I'm just grumpy. I still like New York, but I'm kind of disturbing me how much I'm sitting here going like, yeah, this is really no way to live. You know what I said this before, New York, it's for young people.

You know, up to about 35, 36, you can have a great fucking time. Those last four years is just sliding into 40. Don't fight that feeling that says, hey, why don't we get out of here and live like a human being? You know, fuck the two one two area code. You can visit it. Drop in and visit it. Go out to Jersey, go to upstate New York, whatever the fucking Westchester. Get yourself a house and a driveway.

All right. The only time you smell goulash is if you're making it. You're a human being. You deserve to live like one. Anyways, plowing ahead here on the podcast. What am I up to here? This is oddly cruising right along, but I can't find the numbers. Where are we?

25 minutes. Is that right? I had a great week this week, this past week. I got to do the Conan O'Brien show. We'll have the link for that up on Monday morning podcast page. Conan's great. You know, when you're getting going, he chimes in. And once you get going, he just lets you go.

He's totally old school. And if he thinks you're funny, he laughs. It's, it really is that old school Johnny Carson style. And I'm getting more and more comfortable doing those panel things. And I get a real kick out of doing them because that was sort of, that was, that's sort of a lost art amongst comedians. This is for the simple fact that we haven't gotten the opportunities to do it. Where back in the day, I guess there was less opportunities. Maybe it balances out.

But back in the day, Johnny Carson, you know, he had his go-to. He would have comics on and they, they weren't promoting anything. He would just have them on because they were, they were a great guest. They'd come on and he knew that they were going to hit a home run. And I used to grow up watching these guys. Brenner, George Goble, all these guys. And I would, I would be psyched when they were on and they'd come on, buddy hack it. They'd just come on and tell stories.

They weren't promoting anything. They were just hilarious. And he'd watch Johnny laughing his ass off. And it went right through Letterman, Leno. Who are some of the other guys I saw? But then, I don't know, once this talk show stuff became so. Well, back then he was the only game in town. So there wasn't, it's not the way it is now.

Where there's like 20 shows all trying to get this, take a piece of the same pie. But anyways, there was something I always wanted to get good at. So I was really psyched that my, it went well this past Monday. It's just something that I want to get better at. And I just, I don't know. It was just like a cool thing that for a while, comics just really weren't getting that opportunity. Or not enough of them were getting that opportunity. And it was frustrating.

I'm not saying all actors and all guests, but to sit there at home and watch people coming out who couldn't tell a fucking story. But they had a giant movie, which I understand they got to promote the giant movie. I don't know. I just would always look at that and be like, you know, it would be great right now. Now that that person kind of did only okay and the host had to work their ass off to help them through the segment. If you just had a comic come on, tell some stories and the host could take a little fucking breather. It's just great. I don't know.

It's just great that Conan is doing that type of thing. And you know, it's funny as a comic, you're always like, man, I want to do those, those five minute sets. It's like playing Russian roulette. I'd rather just go out and just to watch somebody do panel. You think it's fucking easy. And then all of a sudden you have to do panel. You're like, oh my God, what if I'm sitting there bombing? I had a nice panic attack before I went out there right before I was standing behind the curtain.

I was just like, why am I here? I have nothing to talk about blah, blah, blah. But fortunately it worked out. I did that and then I have an episode of that show, The New Girl coming up. I'll let you guys know. I finally decided I'm actually going to tell you what I'm doing as opposed to keep... I think I've worn out that glee joke at this point. And I actually got to work with Nick Kroll, who I have to tell you.

That guy is one of the silliest, funniest motherfuckers I ever worked with. The whole cast was awesome. But Nick Kroll, that dude is out of his fucking mind. I don't think I've laughed that hard. It's a one-camera shoot, so you're doing like 12-hour days. And it's like, you're like a zombie. I actually started doing those things. I started to understand why my dog sleeps all day.

And it's basically because he has nothing to fucking do. She has nothing to do. And if you have nothing to do, your brain's just like, okay, we don't have to think, we're just going to shut this down and you fall asleep. And that's what was happening to me. I was nodding off, because when you're shooting it, it's the most exciting fucking thing ever, and you feel like you could run a marathon.

Then all right, we're turning it around, or you're not in this next one. You just sit down. You have nothing to do. Everything else is being handled. And you're just sitting there waiting for them to tell you where to stand to say the stuff that they wrote, right? And in that time, you just fucking, you nod off like a fucking dog. But anyways, I'm telling you, man, check out the Krull show.

I got it here. I really want to hype this show, because I think this guy's, I think he's absolutely fucking brilliant. What the hell is it here? Come on. I'm the worst. I think it's on Wednesdays. What happened?

Oh, I know what happened. I had it up there, and then my fucking piece of shit reported in work, or another reality that reported that works, but I can't figure out how it works. Hang on a second. Krull show. There you go. ComedyCentral.com.

The Nick Krull show is new episodes Wednesday at 10.30, 9.30 Central on Comedy Central. He's absolutely fucking hilarious. And I really hope that show continues to be a hit. All right, there's the hype for the week. Let's get back to the podcast. What the hell did I want to talk about? Oh, that meteor. How fucking, do you guys see some of the footage people got?

That thing just appearing out of the sky? Now there's somebody, somebody's going to give me shit about technology there. But back in the day, you had no idea it was even coming. And you were just out there doing whatever the fuck you did back then, right? And all of a sudden, this thing just comes out of the sky. I mean, honestly, if that thing falls into your house, you're dead. But I was amazed at the amount of people who are out driving around. If I was driving around, I would look like Ray Leota in the second half of Goodfellas

when he's all coped up looking for that helicopter. That would have been me trying to get my ass to his shelter. Is it agreed upon at this point that that's how the dinosaurs died off? Was that a giant meteor? Or is that still just a theory? Even though they probably found the crater and proved it, but the fucking, oh gee, these people refused to believe it because somehow that fucks with the Adam and Eve story.

How exactly has the church worked in dinosaurs and all that? Adam and Eve, they were together and they were living in paradise. And they started the human race. Forget about the incestuous consequences of that math. We'll just say it was those two. And they were both white, yet somehow there was all these different races of people. I don't even know if that even makes sense. How did different races of people come about?

You know what's funny, that's a great question to ask when you're in a bar with someone with no scientific or is it genetic? Is that the word? Maybe just ask someone as dumb as me. People are like, oh, you know, this is shit I heard in bars when I was growing up. People in Africa were, or Africans, I guess if that's an easier way to say it. I went, people in Africa instead of saying Africans. The same way everybody who plays basketball now says the game of basketball.

Rather than just saying basketball. You know, when I'm out there playing the game of basketball. You know, we started that Michael Jordan. Somebody said it to him and he liked it. As far as I can tell, as far as my watching ESPN and the NBA on Shibayesh, I think he was the first guy. He's the guy who made it cool to say that, the game of basketball. And these guys all grow up watching Michael Jordan and they keep saying,

hearing him say the game of basketball. Now all these motherfuckers, they keep saying the game of basketball. It's like this Yoda shit. You know? I mean, I really don't, I can't really do a reference to Yoda because I've only seen that movie a couple of times. But I've seen a Zillion Comics do it where you put the shit that usually comes last first. You know?

I don't fucking know. But I'm really sick of hearing people talk about the game of basketball. But I am loving LeBron James saying that he has the ability to become the best ever. You know? I am loving that he's saying that. It's just great to hear a guy who's going to try and go for that type of thing. And just the fact that he kind of used to get a little tight at the end of the game. He's kind of, oh, LeBron's all grown up.

You know? And plus, because I hate Laker fans and I hate Kobe Bryant. I don't hate him personally, but you know, I just hate, oh, by the way, how's that whole Magic Bryant shit working out for you? Huh? Is he still passing the ball? How many times are you fucking Laker fans going to fall for that shit? He's turned over a new leaf.

He's actually going to work with the rest of the team. You know? You guys keep coming back like a battered fucking wife. Oh, maybe he won't hit me this time. What quack? Uh... Anyways. There's nothing more asceltic fans enjoys more than watching Kobe try and go for 60 points.

Keep shooting, Kobe. Three guys on you. You got it. Turn around, jumper. Take it. Get your 42. Get your 42 points, Kobe. All day.

All day. Anyways. Where the fuck am I going here? Ah, shit. Now I'm getting all fucking freaked out about this stupid thing. Did I put the wrong card in and then I messed up? If you put the wrong card in and the thing, does that mess up the brain on the thing? Is that too technical a question?

Hey, you know what's funny? I sent out a tweet for this guy. And it's really only for guitar players only. But, um... Just how I don't know the names of shit. This guy is going off on people who don't know the different names of guitar players. People go, what do you have? A maple neck or a rosewood neck?

And the guy's going, you dumb motherfucker. Everybody's got a maple neck. Both these necks are maple. The fretboard. Fretboard is rosewood. You got a rosewood fretboard. Not a neck, you dumb motherfucker. And he's just sitting here going off.

And he ends with the greatest. He goes, you know, half you people, if you just played your guitar, half as much as you bitch, you might be worth a fuck on the guitar. I don't know, it's tremendous. So anyways, you probably like going, hey Bill, what are you doing? What are you doing back in New York City? I am back here, but I'm doing a couple of benefits. Tonight, I'm at Bananas and Hasbrook Heights doing a benefit for a buddy of mine's wife.

We're sick right now, but it's turning the corner. And then Tuesday night, we are going to have the big Patrice O'Neill benefit slash send off. We're finally going to send him off right. And like, if this thing has been a long time coming, it's going to be an insane night. And I'm really psyched to see all the guys who are going to be there. And it's definitely a good thing. And there you go. That's why I'm here.

And then I'm going to go up to Boston on Wednesday, going up to the Wilbur. The big, of course, the Bruins are out of town. Even though they weren't in town, I couldn't watch them because I've been doing a fucking show. But all right, is it me or is the podcast kind of fucking went downhill, hasn't it? It's kind of dipped a little. Let's get this back on track. This fucking Verzi knows that I'm going to be in Hasbroke Heights tonight. So you know what he tells me?

He wants to go to White Castle. All right. Get a bunch of little White Castle burgers and a vanilla shake because it's going to be epic. I'm not going to lie to you. I'm not going to say that that is a great, but the fact that Verzi makes fun of New Jersey, you know, and that this, and this, you know, going to White Castle and getting a vanilla shake is his idea of a great night out. I mean, Paul Verzi, he's so Jersey, his last name rhymes with it. You know, he's talking about going to this place like it's going to be a steakhouse.

And this is the thing. I'm White Trash too, because I'm beyond excited too. I want to fire down as many of those burgers as quickly as I can. And the key is you got to eat them really fast before your body ruins the fun telling you to please stop doing it. So if you're coming out to bananas, Hasbro Kites tonight, and about eight, nine minutes into my set, despite the fact I'm leaning on the mic stand, but I'm inexplicably sweating. It's not because I'm nervous. It's going to be my body trying to, is beginning to eliminate the 9,000 calories of trans fats I just put in my body.

You know, every once in a while, you got to keep your body honest, you know? I'm starting off great today. I had a banana for breakfast. I'm going to have an apple as a snack, and I'm going to have a giant fucking salad. Old twinkle toes here for lunch, and then I'm throwing down. That's how I do it. That's my balanced diet. All right?

I eat like I teach yoga for the first half of the day, and John Wayne from five o'clock on. Hey, it's better than what I used to do. I used to start off, you know, baking in eggs and all that type of stuff. I know there's going to be some people out there going, hey, you know, there's nothing wrong with baking in eggs. I'm not saying there is. All right, but you know. Listen, for all you guys out there who eat red meat, and you want to say how, you know, all the good things about it and everything. Look, I'm right there with you.

I love eating a fucking steak. Okay, I drive by a pasture, and I have all I can do to not get out of the car and start gnawing on some cow's neck. All right? It's fucking disgusting, but it's true. But look, fuck all these diet books. Go out and eat a giant goddamn salad. Don't drown in dressing. All right, go with the balsamic vinaigrette.

Do that three days in a row, and you watch how well your body operates. Okay? You will be a finely-tuned machine, and you can continue eating your fucking chops and all that crap, just eating one giant leafy green salad a day. I'm telling you, telling you. And not only that, it kind of, you know, quells that sugar-salt fucking arm-wrestle thing that you're doing the whole day. It's really been helping me out, and I don't have to work out as much, and I think that that's really the game plan, isn't it? Don't you want to be in shape and not really have to work out?

All right? Did I just become some sort of... I should have a headset on right now, and, like, doing that little warm-up side-to-side two-step that they do. Okay, everybody. Thanks for coming out here. We're going to have a great workout, okay? We're going to start to put your arms out to the side. Let's make little circles. Here we go.

Now, you know, everybody, I'm still doing the little side-to-side. I try to eat one salad every day. I start breathing into that fucking Janet Jackson headset. All right. What do we got here? We got one more advertising to hear. Oh, the one you guys are all waiting for. Stamps.com, everybody.

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Shall we? Shall we do this? All right. Go fucked up world. Uncle Billford. I look at you guys every week. People, you guys are coming up with new different ways to say my name. William Billford.

Billy Redface. Billy Fatface. Billy Begadonis. Anyways, when are we all going to vote a Joe Schmoe in as president? Just any other guy than someone who's got, this is like classic bar room talk. Just any other, any guy other than someone who's got a payback, some corporation or bank that got them there in the first place. I understand you usually tackle relationship advice in a way that pertains to our relationship with our country. No dude, I would love to answer conspiracy theory shit.

The only reason why, you know what it is, is people listen every week and they start, I should start throwing out more topics. Dude, conspiracy theory, I'll always do the relationship stuff. You want to talk sports, anything you want to talk about. I will answer the questions and all you guys have to realize is I am not a fucking expert and I do not know what I'm talking about. All I'm trying to do is make you laugh and make you drive to work a little shorter. That's all I'm doing here. All right? Anyways.

He says, in a way this pertains to our relationship with our country. Every day we hear our banks and governments getting away with crazy shit. It's exhausting. I want to shut down and ignore it all, but that's what they want. Am I a stubborn, and I am a stubborn cunt, so fuck them. What do we do? Thanks, frustrated son of a bitch. All right, when are we going to vote a Joe Schmoen for president?

That's never going to happen. It's impossible to do. We would all have to get organized. And the organization to be able to do that, they would figure out that we were doing it. Then they would figure out who was leading it, and then that person would somehow get shot by a lone gunman. A lone crazed gunman. A surhand surhand. An eddy eddy.

You know, somebody with a crazy fucking name, you know? And let's just say, for the sake of argument, that we actually all got together secretively, and nobody found out, and we actually voted a Joe Schmoen for president. Nobody would work with them. No one would work with them. And it would be in every politician's best interest to have that guy have the worst presidency ever so they could all look at the American people and be like, see what happens? Would you vote Democrat or Republican?

They would just do that. I mean, they don't even work with each other. If a Republican gets in as president and the house, ooh, I'm getting in over my head. The house, is that what it's called? If that's Democratic, they won't work with that guy. They spend every waking moment trying to fuck over whatever that guy's trying to do. It's childish. And vice versa.

Vice versa there. So they don't even work with each other. Forget about some Joe Schmoe coming in as president. I would say what you have to do is a ground up thing. I would try to vote for the most honest person you could as a local town selectman, as a regional one of the, then they have like sort of regional senators and then state senators and then like senators at a federal level. I don't think, I honestly don't think that there is a way.

You know what it'd be like? It's like you have a leaky faucet. And all you're trying to do is buy more paper towels and keep wiping up the water and you're never dealing with the leaky faucet. Okay? The shit is, it's, how do I, how do I, how do I put this in my own moronic way? Alright. I've done a lot of people's shows, you know, little acting thing here

or a fucking podcast here or big time radio shows. At this point, I've done that stuff. And this is what I've found. If the person at the top is a good shit, everybody, everybody's a good shit. Everybody's a good, you know, if the person at the top is not an ego maniac and not acting like an asshole, a fucking diva, everybody falls in line. Because you can't act like an asshole. It's like, well this guy is making more money than all of us

and he's, he's treating people well. You know, if I start acting like a dick, then it's just going to expose me as being a dick. Alright? But if the person at the top is a cunt, it, it, you know, and is just being an unbelievable pain in the ass, you know, it's that leadership thing. It just rolls downhill and everybody acts that way. The problem with the world is it's a fuck or be fucked system that we have.

Alright? And it's like, it, it starts at the top with a fuck over and they pass that on to the next level and it's hot potato. You're trying to pass the fuck over on. You know what I mean? And once you get in the game, you end up just doing shit. You don't even want to do, you just have to do it because that's how the games play. It's the whole bringing a knife to a gunfight.

You can't do it. It's a gunfight. You got to get a gun. And I don't know how, I don't think, I honestly don't think, the only way to change it is for basically one of these asteroids has to hit the earth and we have to be wiped out like the fucking dinosaurs and it has to start over again. You know?

Because we are flawed. That's all I can say. Yeah, we're flawed. Just in general. Even if you were able to eliminate sociopaths, just in general, we're jealous. We're envious. We're conty and we do not handle power wealth, generally speaking. There's the occasional fucking Gandhi, a Ralph Nader, a Jimmy Carter.

Now of course I got to name somebody on the right so people don't get all conty. There's like, there's just, I don't know enough fucking people. I'm just saying. It's very rare. Okay, and you know, what the fuck is my phone? What the hell is it? I hear it buzzing. Can you hear it?

Is it on the floor? Where is it? Am I going to get mad at this thing? Oh, there it is, right there, right in front of me. Oh, that's Verzi. Verzi, he's probably fucking mouth already watering. Yeah, so you said, what do you do about it? I would, I don't know, I would just listen to people and if they sound honest, I would vote for them.

That's basically all you can do short of starting a revolution at which point you're going to have to be at the, I don't know, the forefront of a lot of murder. Or, you know, you can just, you know, find love and get yourself a dog and, you know, tell some jokes. I don't know. I look, I try not to think about it. It's, it's, I don't, the way I look at it now is just like, good. Yeah. When I see shit that's, I mean, this is, this is how I deal with the depression of it. As I just say, oh, good.

When I see us doing something fucked up, good. That's, oh, that's great. You know, there we go. That will hasten our demise. And maybe we can, maybe something else will come along. You know what it was? The dinosaurs were just, I don't know. I'm not going to say they were dumb, but they were kind of just taking up space.

And then we came along, you know, the asteroid, you know, asteroid comes and whoever's running shit, whatever you believe is like, all right, let's start over again. And it was just like an overcorrection, much in the way like feminism was an overcorrection. No, it wasn't. Feminism wasn't an overcorrection. What it really was was a bunch of pussy guys who didn't, who never said, all right, all right. That needed to be said somewhere in the last 20 years. There should have been a giant, all right. You know, and I'll tell you right now.

Believe it or not, that's what every goddamn brought out their needs, especially the good looking ones. All right. And if you're an honest woman, you know what I'm saying. You need a man in your life or if you're gay, you need a woman in your life to be like, all right. All right. Enough. And guys are the same way. We're like these big fucking kids.

And if we don't, the same way if you have a kid, and I can speak for this because I've never had one. If you have a fucking kid and the kid has no boundaries, it's going to be bouncing off the fucking walls, acting like an asshole. And guys like me are going to be looking at a kid and actually having the intrusive thought of, what if I just gave that toddler an uppercut? You know, like that's how bad the kids behave. Like adults are the same way. If we don't have any boundaries, that's why so many of these fucking, these rich cunts, they got all the money in the world. They got everything they need and they still fuck their lives up. It's because they, that nobody can keep them in check.

It's kind of like when Russia fell. When Russia fell, that was one of the worst things that ever happened in this country. Russia kept us in check in that, you know, we were sitting there grappling. You know, we'd move three feet that way. They'd push us back four feet. Then we'd move five feet. We just doing that shit. Then once they fell down and there was that wide open space.

Yeah. We did all the shit that we've been doing and, you know, people are kind of looking at us like we're a bunch of cunts now, aren't they? All right. There you go. I tied asteroids, dinosaurs are in our foreign policy without ever reading a goddamn thing about. How'd you like that, everybody? I think I hit new heights of ignorant, um, I'm too stupid even. I don't know what word comes next after that.

All right. What do we got here? All right. What the fuck is the next one? Bill, our family friend, our friend of the family, an investment banker from Yale Business School, extremely successful, married about five years ago. He was married to a bitch who went to Harvard Law School and worked as a very successful lawyer even when they were married. Okay.

So he's an investment banker. Okay. This sounds like an arranged marriage. This is one of those things where every day somebody in their life has on a blue blazer. Anyways, he says by themselves, they made more money in a year than most people make in 10 years. That's not their fault. They also studied hard enough to get into Yale and Harvard or were born into it. At which point, good for them, they got lucky.

Um, you know, you can't get mad at people who got, who, who were born into going to Yale and Harvard. You can't get mad at that shit unless you are helping out people who were born into sweatshop labor. If you're actually helping them get out of that, then you can get mad at that shit. But if you're just sitting in the middle wearing sweatshop labor clothes and not giving a fuck and you weren't born into sweatshop labor, I don't think, personally, I don't think you get mad at someone who's born in that blue blood shit. See that? There's another fucking bar room logic for you there. Anyways, by themselves, they made more money in a year than most people make in 10 years.

When they got divorced, the husband got custody of the kids, but the wife got the house. And half of every penny the husband would ever make for the rest of his life? That doesn't make sense. Unless they came, drew that up. Not only could she now easily support herself, she remarried another lawyer that made just as much as her, but continues to spend the original husband's money. But as far as I know, when she gets remarried, the alimony stops, as does the child support, I believe, unless he doesn't legally adopt them.

I don't know, it's weird. And it also goes from state to state. And I've also never read up on those laws. People have just told me about them. Anyways, she has no kids to take care of or anything, but she's still got everything. We live in Massachusetts, which means the divorce law is heavily favored for females, but still, what the fuck? Yeah, it's brutal. I think eventually they will be reformed.

Reformed? Or reformed? They will be reformed in another shape. They'll be reformed. You know, guys, if you're still listening to this fucking podcast, I mean, other than Beyond, just listen to how fucking stupid I am to make yourself feel better. Please don't listen to me. Yeah, dude, I mean, they are what they are.

Divorce laws are what they are. And I'm done bitching about them because I'm not doing anything. I'm not starting a movement to try and change them. I'm a lazy fuck. I like to sit around and complain. But if you have a petition, I'm all about it. I'll sign it. I'll definitely sign it.

In fairness, when the woman makes more money, a guy can do that too or two. But the way the world is set up, the guys make most of the fucking money. So I guess that's one of the trade-offs. So in the words of Mr. Han, get a good one. Fast Times at Ridgemont High referenced to you older people out there. Get a good one. Get yourself a good woman. If I ever get divorced, if I ever get married and if I ever get divorced,

I'm going to tell you right now, I am going to go into such a zen space. I already know what the fuck I'm going to do. I'm going to get a one bedroom apartment. I'm going to get an electronic drum kit. I'm going to have one fucking bowl, one plate, one fork, one spoon, one knife. I'm going to have a fucking TV. I'm going to have all the sports packages. And I'm going to dress like Malcolm Young, which is fucking jeans, t-shirt, no belt.

That's it. I'm going to ride a bicycle. And I'm just going to, I'm just, I'm tapping out. I'm never going to Best Buy again. I'm never going to Target other than after I get my bowl. Can you buy one bowl? I don't think you can. You know, I'm going to, I will, I will, I won't even have a vacuum cleaner.

I'll have a little broom and a dustpan and I am going to live like a fucking monk. That's it. And I'll give her all my fucking money. I'll keep telling jokes. I don't give a shit. I'll give her all the fucking money. Hey, you want it? Is this going to make you happy?

Go ahead. Fuck it. Fuck it. The fuck do I care? You know, when it rains, do I get wet? No, I don't. Am I eating every day? I'm going to get into that mindset and I'll send her that alimony and child support check

and I will draw a big maniacal fucking smiley face on it. And that's it. And I will show up. You know what I'm going to buy? I would buy a Chevy Citation with the sideways radio and I would redo that fucker. I'd have the ugliest fucking car on top and underneath would be sweet. I'd teach myself how to do all of that shit, you know? That's what I would do.

That's what I would do. I already have the game plan. You know, this is how you're successful. You got everything all mapped out. I'm not even married yet and I'm still fucking. I already have a plan if I get divorced. Okay, people? You got to think ahead.

All right, friends, ugly chick. Uncle Billy Boy. And if you're fucking divorced right now, you want to do that. Rather than trying to get all your shit back, how about this? How about fucking having shit? Huh? There you go. That's about the stupidest thing you've ever heard.

But think about it. This is a brilliance and they're fucking. Why do you need to have them? You don't need a man cave. You know? Then something's going to break down and some, you know, whatever the fuck. The geek squad's got to come over there. You don't want to deal with that shit.

How about keeping it simple? Have a banana for breakfast. You know, take some NHL games or some NBA, whatever the fuck you're into. Sit there and read the paper. You know? I think I'm onto something here. Right? Fuck iPods.

Get a stereo. Listen to a record. Start churning butter. Just go the other way. Don't let her win. You go the other way. Start making your own clothes. All right, you don't got to go that far.

But you know what I'm saying. Anyways, friends ugly chick. Take a pasta making class. Friends ugly chick. Jesus. This is going to be mean. Uncle Billy Boy. My friend recently got into his first real relationship.

This fucking broad is a real cunt to start. She doesn't want him hanging out with any of his friends and basically doesn't let him leave the house. Now, I got to tell you something. That's complete bullshit. Okay? I agree with she doesn't want him to hang out with any of his friends. She could be like controlling. But to say she doesn't let him leave the house is this guy literally trying to leave the house

and she's fucking putting him in a headlock. You know, putting him in a chicken wing or some shit. Figure four leg lock. No, your friend is a pussy. With a capital P dash pussy. This is to what? No, he should be laying down the law. He needs to be hey, hey, hey enough.

Settle down. Settle down. I'm with you. But I'm living a balanced life. Here, let me draw a circle here. This is the time I'm spending with you. This is the time I'm spending with my friends. This is my alone time.

This is my drinking bear time. All right. The whole circle has to be filled with different shit, sweetheart, or I'm not going to be happy. Are you telling me you want me to be miserable? If you are, I am leaving for good. If you're not, then fucking work with me. All right, that's what your friend needs to say before I even get through all this.

Anyways, he goes living in Buffalo. It is rather customary to go out once a week for chicken wings, beer, and watching some goddamn hockey. Oh, by the way, shout out to the sabers. They fucking own the Bruins. It is just a regular season. I'm not trying to jinx you guys, but you guys, you're kicking our asses. You know what sucks is I taped the last game.

I'm not trying to avoid an ass kicking, but for some reason I taped it and I came home and the screen was blank. I think it was actually on the NHL network. I taped the wrong one, so I actually missed it. I did read the box scores and all that type of stuff. You know, I love how you guys keep, I keep forgetting the guy's name, your big six foot eight inch goon, how you guys keep giving Bruins fans shit that Milan Lucic won't fight.

Was it John Scott, whatever his fucking name? Why would, why the fuck would you do that? Hey, let's have one of our best players, one of the best power forwards in the league fight a guy six foot taller than him who weighs 50 more pounds than he does six inches taller than him, whatever, five, six inches taller, outweighs him by 40, 50 pounds and who's an absolute goon. There's a great trade off and then we'll have Lucic who can score goals and actually play the game, sit down for five minutes

and all you guys do is lose a goon. Why would we do that? And we're risking having one of our best players get hurt. Why would we do that? I feel like back in the day when Montreal Canadian fans would get pissed that he wouldn't fight George LaRocque, you know, because he beat up one of their fucking, I don't know where the fuck, he beat up some guy.

I don't know, someone was going, Lucic never fights anybody his size. I click up Lucic on YouTube, I search him, the first guy he's fighting is a guy his size who actually weighs more than 15 pounds than him. Some guy in Toronto and he beats the shit out of him. Okay? Lucic could beat your guy up, your fucking family up and something else to make free, all right? Stop questioning his toughness.

You can do it all you want, but I'm not buying into it. Hey, how come your best guy isn't fighting the guy that we have that can't even play? Anyway, so let's continue on here. And by the way, you got to go to Buffalo. Fuck Niagara Falls. You got to go to, was it Duffy's or Anchor Bar? I never, I went to Anchor Bar, like the one time in history they ran out of wings.

I was with Verzi again, we went to Anchor Bar first, the first night, and then the second day we were going to a Sabres game, we went to Anchor Bar and they ran out of fucking wings. So, and I got to tell you, man, they make them like nobody else in the goddamn country. So anyways, he goes, this broad won't even let him out of the house, he won't even let him out once a week for that. She has wrapped his brain so badly, warped his brain so badly that he now thinks she is right in saying we are a bad influence on him.

We've all been friends since early elementary school for Christ's sake and she's only known him a couple of months. Here's where it gets fucked up. He's by no means a bad looking guy and she looks like she got bum brushed and was beaten in the face with a club. And for the cherry on top, on top, she has herpes. Now, how do you know that unless that guy got out and told you, Bill, what the fuck do I do to wake him up?

There's nothing you can do. There's nothing you can do. Come on, man. Like that guy is either wired to be submissive or he wasn't raised right. I think a big thing with the kid that I don't have, the way I try to raise my kid that I don't have, is I just realized I've been leaning back and sitting forward so I'm sure the volume is all over the place.

I apologize. One of the biggest things you've got to do with kids is you've got to get them out of their shell. You know what I mean? Like I had, you know, who the hell was... Who was it? One of my friends. I'm trying to do this because I don't like talking about people in my life.

Whatever. Somebody I knew came down. They were only in their, I guess, right around the high school age and they came down to New York. And I immediately, the first thing I did, I made them like hail a cab, walk into a bodega. I'd show them how it worked. If you fucking get a paper, you don't have to stand in line.

Just put a quarter down and just hold it up and say post or whatever, daily news. And got them immediately acclimated into speaking up and interacting with the fucking city. And the person within like, you know, two days had that shit down and was like, oh man, I feel like a New Yorker. That's what you have to do with kids.

You've got to get them... You can't have those kids that hide behind your fucking leg when, you know, you're meeting someone. This is Mr. So-and-So and they're hiding behind your leg. You can't have that. You got it from fucking day one. Get them out there, shake hands, look people in the eye, talk and you...

I don't know how to do it because I never had a kid but I think it's really important to have... to get your kid in tune with what he or she is thinking and what he or she wants. Nobody wants that situation. And if this woman is the way you're painting her out to be, this is the only type of person because she's so fucking insecure

that she can actually be with. She has to find somebody so weak that that person is going to allow them to just completely take over their lives. And I'll tell you what's funny is after a while, these controlling type of fucking people, they end up hating the person that they're with. They do because they just don't respect them after a while.

You know what I mean? They finally got exactly what they wanted, this person that they can use like a fucking robot and then in the end, they don't respect them. So... I don't know what I would... You know what, dude? This is a childhood friend.

I can tell you really wanted to guide back. Take a shot. Taking it back. Um... Don't say that she's ugly. Don't mention her herpes. It's just be like... I mean, dude, you're literally trying to

undo this guy's hard drive at this point. If this guy's self-esteem is this fucking low. This is, you know... This is like why the Dr. Phil show sucks, is because somebody's going to come in here. This is like... This guy, I'm guessing, is at least 25 years old. You're talking about a quarter of a century of thinking one way.

And then you watch Dr. Phil and be like, You got to stick up for yourself. You want to go out with your friends? You got to tell her. Alright, we're going to commercial. And like, it doesn't work like that. And also on Dr. Phil's show, he would never do that because he would actually be supporting the fucking guy.

Okay, and at the end of the day, it's a goddamn business. And who watches that show but a bunch of brats? Um... Yet you somehow know something about it, don't you, Bill? Well, I live with a woman. She doesn't watch him anymore. I just kept making fun of how Dr. Phil looks like a crooked cop. I don't know, he just...

That guy does not look trustworthy to me at all. I mean, you know, I'm just judging him. You know, the same way people judge me. It's all fair. It's all fair and loving. Alright, that's the podcast for this week, everybody. I'm actually going to go to a sports bar here and watch the Islanders. I'm becoming a fucking Islanders fan.

I've been watching them lately. They turn in the corner. I hated them when they were a kid just because they were awesome. And every time the Bruins would get the one time... And we never got past the Canadians back in the day. If we somehow lucked out and somebody else beat the Canadians. This is pretty 1988. We basically owned the fucking Canadians since 1988.

I hope you guys realize that Montreal, you guys have not been a fucking factor in our lives since 1988. It's been great. It's been a wonderful 25 years. The only way you guys would say, oh, we beat you in this playoff series, beating that playoff series. Hey, that shit's going to happen.

We used to never beat you. Alright? Good luck with your rebuilding. I'm just fucking with you. I actually like what you guys are doing up there. Okay. What am I talking about here? That's the podcast for this week.

Anything I have to announce? I'm at the Wilbur Theatre this weekend. Thank you, everybody, for buying the tickets. I'm going to try to give you a heck of a show. Go fuck yourselves. Don't take any shit. And if you're in a relationship like that, last guy, you need to get out of it.

You should be allowed to have friends and go out and see the meteors crashing into Earth. Alright. See you next week. Thanks for watching.