Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 2-19-18

Episode Date: February 19, 2018

Bill rambles about Lent, Titties and Ben Franklin.

In the mountain, in the kitchen, even in the living, they are really everywhere to ride the empty baths. But now we go to the finish, bring them to a Bebath Ensemble point quickly. You will always find one in your neighborhood on Bebath.be Bebath! Together take risks, better for nature and for all of us. Campaign in cooperation with the OVAM. It's Bill Burtz. Time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, February 19th, 2018. Oh my God, two months are almost over.

This year is just flying by. It is if you live out here, you know. You live out here in Los Angeles. It's fucking awesome. As opposed... Just give us the keys. As opposed to living back east where I guess it's really fucking cold, which is where I'm about ready to go. I'm about ready to go to Becky's because we're doing the sixth annual, Patrice O'Neill Comedy Benefit.

All right? Raising money and raising awareness for the greatest comedian that I ever saw live. The sixth annual, it's going to be a great one. I can't wait. I fly out tomorrow. I'm already packed. I got my fucking ticket. You know, I got a nice midday flight.

Gonna have a good time. And then I'm gonna do a late night set or some shit at the West Side Comedy Club. Shake a little bit of the rust off. And go on and try not to embarrass myself with the level of talent that we have going on there. Of course. And you know what? An added addition this year. The teen idol sensation from the late great opiate Anthony show.

Mr. Joe DeRosa. Joe DeRosa. Half Egyptian. 100% cunt. Can't wait to see him. So anyway, so I'm doing this. I'm doing this broadcast in the afternoon. I hung out with my family all weekend.

I had a great time except for the big fight I had with my wife. Other than that, it was a great time. You know what I mean? And I made a, you know what? It was Ash Wednesday the other day and I went to church for the first time in a long time just to see the band. They had that Dixieland band. I don't know why they don't have that every week. You know what I mean?

I would go every week if they went in the back. They do that as opposed to coming in with that haunting fucking organ. All that shit, you know, the original. The original support the troops, first responders, the original guilt trip, the Catholic religion. If Jesus was alive today, can you imagine the standing ovation he would get as he walked through the fucking airport? If people weren't staring at their phones, if they saw, you know what I mean? Anyways, plowing ahead. So it's Ash Wednesday and I've given up arguing with my wife for Lent.

I'm just not going to do it. I'm just going to experiment just completely, just, I'm just going to fucking, I'm just going to agree with everything. Hey, hey, you want to do this horrific time eater that you'll, you'll experience absolute no joy in? Yeah, absolutely honey. That sounds great. You know, I'm already been doing it. It's weird in or out, you know, because we went to the mall today, right? Who the fuck goes to the mall on a Sunday?

Guess what? This guy, because I'm not arguing with my wife anymore. Let's go. We'll go to the mall. Fucking absolutely. Let's go when everybody else has the day off to go. Right? So we go down there.

It's, I mean, it was like it was Christmas. There was so many fucking people down or the weeks leading up to Christmas, I should say. Just a zillion fucking people. We still had a good time, right? Don't get me wrong. I love my wife. I love my kid. I love my role as, as, as being a father, but Jesus fucking Christ.

You know what I mean? It just gets to the point, man. There's just too many fucking people. I start getting like claustrophobic. So we go down in this place, right? We're fucking hanging out and everything. And I'm just looking around. I'm actually glad I went because I haven't been to a gathering of people in a long time.

I mean, I know people come out to my shows, but the lights are in my eyes, so I can't see you. And I cannot fucking believe the influence of social media on just people walking around. It was, it was, it was a shit show. I have never seen so much side boob underneath boob on top boob with my wife. With my wife's going, he stopped staring all these titties. It's just like, how they're fucking out. Everybody looked like they were trying to do the, you know, the, the, the, there was dress. Like they were going to a photo shoot to get their fucking whatever your, your, your main picture on Instagram.

All the guys G queued up or looking like J crew douches. I saw this one work woman walking by and it was just like, she looked like she was on her way to the club and she was pushing a baby. And I accidentally in front of me, I just go, that's not a mom. Moms don't look like that. So Nia's looking at me. She goes, why not? That's what I want to look like. I want to, I want to be the hot mom.

What's wrong with that? And I was just like, well, I gave it up for lent. I was like, nothing. Yeah, you're right. You're right. And she goes, no, no, I want to hear what you're thinking. I said, no, well, you know, I gave up arguing with you for a lent. So I, you know, she goes, dude, we don't have to argue.

You could just tell me what you're thinking. It's right off the bat. I'm loving this new power that I have that I'm not going to argue with her. And then, you know, because I'm not arguing with her, she's not going to know what I'm thinking. Right. And that's freaking her out. And all I want to say is, Hey, welcome to my fucking world. I never know what you're thinking.

Guys, I'm talking right now. It's not too late. It's not too late. Give up arguing with your woman for lent. And this is the beat. Tell them that that's what you're doing. I'm not going to argue with you. And they're all excited.

They think it's going to be great. But then is you, you're, you're like taking away one of their major powers, which is their ability to piss you off. And then you spill the beans, you know, they get you all fucking mad and be like, all right. All right. I was an hour late because I had another drink with my friends. You know what? Because I don't fucking drink my balls like you do.

And she can be like, Oh, so yeah, we're having all that shit. Right. So if you just sit there and you just sit in the fucking pocket, like, what was that movie John Turturro did? We played that mobster and he just did that great thing where he just was sitting there, like barely audible in front of the, whatever, some fucking Senate committee going, I can't answer that on the grounds of my cronate myself. I can't answer that on the grounds of my cronate myself.

He says it like over and over again. There's gravelly fucking voice that is so fucking unbelievable. Right there. They should have just given him a reward. Just him saying that line over and over again was better than 90% of the fucking acting that I see. Right. So anyways, she's trying to get me to fucking say why, you know, a woman shouldn't be like

fucking high heels with her ass fucking jacked up in the air and a tits hanging out, you know, make up all done hair all done, all of that shit pushing around a kid. Now, you know, there really is no reason why she can't be like that. I just selfishly was just sitting there like, I wouldn't want my mom to look like that because then all my friends would want to fuck my mom, you know, so much of what I think makes sense until I say it out loud. And then I realize how fucking stupid I am. But it was, I mean, granted, I was in LA, we went right to the fucking the Grove here

in Hollywood, where it's just like, you know, there was some of the best looking fucking 50, 40, 50 and 60 year old people have ever seen in my life. And then you had the young people. Jesus Christ, it was all star weekend. You thought all the whores were down at the Staples Center and the fucking hotels in the surrounding area. Now they were over at the Grove, the regular ones. Everybody there looked like they were trying to fucking NBA all star and none of them work.

They would just shop it. And I caught myself in a mirror and I was just like, wow, man, I literally look like I came here in a fucking time machine. I had my old Archie Bunker hat on and everybody keeps breaking my balls because I made fun of Rogan's hat that one time when I said he had a little rascal's hair cut on hat on. I was going to say, I love that hat. I just gave him shit because I thought he was going to come at me. It was just a comedian thing.

Make fun of his fucking hat. He'll be self conscious. He can't see it. It's on top of his head. It's going to fuck with them. And then I won't have to deal with Joe Rogan unleashing his genius on my big bald head. Right. That's the only reason why other than that, I like the hat.

So I got a couple of those. I got a little pork pie hat, you know, I got my own little fucking Mr. White from fucking breaking bad going on. You shave your head as a white dude. I mean, you got to cover it up, especially if you're a fucking ginger. All right. I'm not trying to spontaneously combust. I live in a desert out here.

I got to keep the sun off. But anyways, I need to like paint the top of my, you know, paint the top of my head. Like, you know, in World War II, how they would paint the headlights, they'd just be like a little slit there. I should paint the entire my whole fucking head and just have a slit right near my eyes. So I don't blind anybody trying to land at LAX anyways, but there was a lie in the middle of all of that Instagram shit show, which who's kidding who? Most of this is just me dealing with the fact that things are changing and nobody cares

about my views, which is part of becoming old. They just sitting there like, Hey, you're sending me a shop where you could buy peanuts. Right. Nobody cares. Nobody cares, old man. You had your time. It's fucking over. So I'm just kind of getting to that realization that I am that guy.

I probably been that guy for 15 years, but I'm just, you know, my fucking, I don't know, so full of myself. I finally just realized it. So, uh, I don't know, that's something I, I mean, and I got, I, man, I must have looked like a creep. I must have looked like a creep. I'm 49 years old. Okay.

And I like to think I try to be a gentleman, you know, Jesus, I try. Okay. But here's the thing. If you're going to walk by it with your fucking titties out, I mean, what, what am I supposed to do? That's my new fucking, uh, you know, when I get a text, like some gum shoe shit, it drives me a nuts and I love it. I'm fucking winning, man.

I'm not arguing with her. It's driving her nuts in a little way, you know, because she's, well, we don't have to argue, but I still like debating so I should know what's going on with you. And as always, my wife doesn't talk like that. That's just how I hear it in my head. Um, so anyways, we went over there and, uh, I went into the Nike store and they actually have the balls. They're selling t-shirts that say equality and I'm thinking like, isn't this the people

was it them or Apple that had the sweatshop where people would jump into their deaths? I can't remember, but then I looked it up and it says that Nike has made big strides. No pun intended. And they're fucking, uh, sweatshop environment, which I mean, I mean, what, what do you have to fucking do? You know, give one person a sandwich and then you get a higher rating than last quarter. I don't know. Top 10 ways to improve a sweatshop.

Number one, uh, buy a fly swatter, one fly swatter for all 10,000 employees. Uh, number two, what else could you do? Um, I have a door where people can go home at some point, um, a working bathroom. I don't know. I don't know. They're all fucking. Why do they have, you know what I mean? It's so fucking dumb.

They have shirts in this country and it didn't cost you a zillion dollars, but now they're just like, you want me to cut your hair because it's not because it costs so fucking much to make a shirt. It's because they won't, they're not going to drop their profits. So it's like, all right, if we can't pay this guy 30 cents an hour, we got to pay in an American fucking 10 bucks an hour, then you're going to eat the cost in the shirt. Okay. Cause I'm not having a smaller yacht.

You got that fucko. By the way, I gave you the president's campaign. You didn't. So what I say goes, that's how I think it, that's how I think it works without ever having researched how much it costs to make a shirt. That's how I formulate my opinions. You know, I look at a couple of things, then I get paranoid and then I just start running my freckled fucking yap and for whatever reason, enough people listen to this podcast that

I continue doing it twice a week. All right. Do you ever think about that as you're sitting in your cubicle giggling and laughing to yourself that you're just enabling, you're just enabling the disease of a sick man. Maybe not how I think I'm sick. I don't know. I don't know what the fuck I am. All I know was the titties were out at the fucking mall and I was walking around looking

like a skinny Archie Bunker and I don't give a fuck. My wife goes, well, don't be fucking, dude, this one girl walked by, right? Giant ass, giant round fucking ass. And she was, I think she bought Salamis from the white shadow, Salamis short shorts off of the white shadow. And that's what the fuck she had on her fucking ass was out and it was like, yeah, look at that. She goes, look at what?

And she turned around. She goes, Jesus Christ, yeah, guys, you got to stick around and raise your daughters. Okay. I'll tell you right now, if that woman, that barely a woman wearing those fucking shorts, if her dad stuck around for her entire childhood, I swear to God, I'll have a gun in my mouth. If you can be a good dad and your daughter still goes to the mall with half her fucking ass hanging out. I don't know.

Maybe that's, this is this part of the fucking, the me too thing, the empowerment of women. If a woman wants to walk around with all of her ass hanging out, that's her fucking choice. You know, that stupid shit now where it's like, basically women can now do whatever the fuck they want without consequence. You know, ignoring the number one fucking rule of nature, which is you have the way you wish the world is and the way the world really is and you have to act accordingly. You could walk around with your ass hanging out.

I wouldn't do it. That's not something I would do, but you know, it is your ass. And if you want to have it out, remember that George Carlin book that he did, he goes, you haven't noticed 90% of women who are against abortion, you wouldn't want to fucking the first place. That's one of my favorite, that's just fucking hilarious, you know, that's a lot of times when you sit there and you, you know, women are bitching about being catcalled. Some of the fucking women who's fucking complained about that shit, you're just looking at them

and I'm going, are you fucking kidding me? Are you kidding me? I swear to God, you walk by a construction site, the only thing you can hear is the sound of people hammering nails, you know, if you're fucking high horse, you know, or maybe that's because I'm not exactly a good looking person and I don't have sympathy for people who get like a standing ovation when they walk by a fucking job site. Am I really supposed to feel bad for you? I understand it's scary.

I always looked at it like, you know, like whenever as a guy, you watch like the beginning of Shawshank Redemption and everyone's chanting fresh fish. That's much to be what like, you know, a certain, you know, level of good looking woman feels like when she walks by a construction site. However, in 2018, all women seem to be acting like they're that good looking. And the reality is you're not. Okay. Which brings me to Olympic figure skating.

All right. If I hear one more fucking figure skater talking about how they had to starve themselves because they want the right body type to fucking twirl around in the fucking ice. I mean, am I really supposed to feel bad for you? Okay. You're, you're, you've entered a fucking beauty contest. All right. I swear to God, it'd be like, you know, listen to some of these people complain is like me

bitching that I can't book a shampoo commercial or how come I can't be the spokesperson for copper toned tanning because you're a bald, pasty, freckled cunt that no one wants to look at. We're in business here. We're trying to make money, right? So I don't, I did that fucking, uh, what, what the fuck is it? I, you know, I love that. I don't even know her name.

Oh, no. Tonya Hardy. I guess I don't know the other ones. Nancy Carrigan. I know both. You know what I mean? That was just all about a little fucking run of the litter chick. All right.

Who should have been like a power lifter or something and she decided that she was going to figure skate. I mean, they have figure right in the fucking job. You got to be all long and fucking sinewy. Everybody knows that I don't, I don't fucking get it. I haven't, you got to like fucking, you got to like dumb it down. There's a lot of weird shit going on right now. I heard sports illustrated use nothing but women photographers this year as some sort

of sign of strength with women. It's just like, well, wait a minute. So all those guys who used to hire, did any of them get busted for doing anything wrong? Or did they just all get kicked to the curb? I'm not buying any of this either. Now everybody has to like do something. This is like the vagina version of like the fucking ice bucket challenge. It's like, why can't I just give you money?

Why do I got to like dump shit over my fucking head? What's the cause? Is it worthy? Is the money actually going to the victim's final? Give it to him. He's stupid. Shows a strength. I don't know.

God, I'm in a fucking mood. So Friday night, me and my wife went down to go see Black Panther. All right. And I enjoyed the movie. Nia loved the movie. I enjoyed it. But, you know, I had a little sippy sip before I went in there and then I had two hits of weed and it's just the weed that they make nowadays as just, you know, I'm trying not

to drink. I don't want the calories. Right. So I had a couple hits of weed. And I was just, I was like tripping. So I'm sitting in that fucking movie, right? And you know, it's a fucking superhero movie, right? And everybody's just like, there's always this big drama with your family and all of

that shit. And at one point I fell asleep. The reason that because of the movie was because I was fucking flying and I fell asleep for I don't know how long and all of a sudden something big and metal got thrown or crashed and it hit the ground. It was like, it was like scraping and shit. And in my brain, I was flying a helicopter and my skids hit the fucking runway when I was trying to taxi and I thought I was going to flip the fucking thing and do I tell you

I fucking jumped fucking like woke myself up and Nia's looking at me like, Jesus Christ, it wasn't that scary. But anyways, Nia's going to go back and she's going to go see the one where you put the glasses on and it's this whole other level and I can't handle that shit. You know what I mean? I don't, I don't want somebody's fucking hand in my face and those women with the fucking and the spears there. I don't, I, you know, it's enough for me as it's fucking unreal that people needed to

jump off the screen. It's like, this isn't incredible enough. I don't want to ruin the movie. There's one fight scene, you know, between a couple of family, it's always family members. There's always some shit going on, you know what I mean? Somebody's dad did something or somebody's pissed at their sister or they didn't realize, you know, oh, hey, I didn't even know you were my cousin. Oh fuck, let's join forces and go fucking try to take the mountain and get the glowing

thing and put it back in its rightful place so everybody can live in peace. It's basically the blueprint of them all, right? My beef with superhero movies is like after they made, made up like six of them, kind of like all the really good ideas were gone. It's like the dunking contest. There's only so many ways to fucking dunk it. And the next thing you know, you know, they're bringing out, you know, some guy like Staples is sitting at a desk, right?

And somebody's got to fucking jump over him, use the stapler as like a fucking springboard or something. It's just at that point, you just like, dude, you're out of ideas, okay? We've exhausted what human beings can do. Let's wait till nerds continue to develop these fucking robots and let's see what they can do. Right? No?

You don't think so? I don't know. What do you guys think of those when you go to an NBA game and those people come out with the trampoline and they're all flipping around and fucking slamming the ball and everything? That was like interesting for like two weeks. And then I just started realizing that most of them were white and I just started feeling bad about myself going, Jesus Christ, we can't even do what black people do unless we have like a fucking trampoline.

And I hate whatever form of entertainment that is, that fucking excitement that they're trying to pass on to you. I'm just too much of a jaded cunt. You know, when they fucking have their eyebrows up, you know, and they're fucking nodding as they come out, you know, like all of a sudden we're all in band camp or something. Oh God, why am I such a cunt? Why can't I just sit and fucking enjoy things? I try.

I don't try. I just naturally who the fuck I am, you know what I mean? Anyways, so Saturday night, I had a great weekend, Saturday night, I went to the fucking, I went to Queens of the Stone Age at the LA Forum with Royal Blood opening up. Jesus Christ, what a fucking show. You have to go see it. You got to go see it. It's been, I have a bitter, nothing but great things on this, about this tour coming up.

I was really excited. And every fucking time that band was in town, I've been out of town every fucking time. They played the Wiltern. I was out of town. What the hell did they play? Then they played, then their next album came out and I think they had staples. I don't know where they were at, not this album, the album before. And I forget where I wasn't in town, so I missed that one.

And then I thought I was going to miss this one, but then the last second, you know, my daughter got sick, so I kind of pushed back my trip to New York and I was able to go down and see the, holy shit, were they fucking good. It was ridiculous. And John Theodore has this fucking red Vista-like kit now that just sounded incredible. And two times he took a drum solo, I don't want to ruin the show if they do the same thing every night. They don't strike me as that kind of band, but like, it was just, it was fucking unreal.

It was just unreal. And that bass player was a total fucking rock star. And then I got to see Royal Blood, too, who I'm a big fan of. And me and Del Ray got there, got there a little bit late, but we caught like half of their set. It was just two fucking people, bass player and drums killing it, everybody going nuts. And I always love seeing shows at the forum, too, because I can't believe, like, how small that place is compared to, like, the Staple Center, which is like gigantic.

And I probably, the forum holds just as many people, there's just not so many bells and whistles in there. And every time I go in there, I just look down where the floor used to be, being like, this is where Magic, Worthy, Kareem, that's where Mikhail somewhere on one of these corners, Clothesline, Kurt Rambus, this is where the fucking 76ers came in and kicked their shit out of the Lakers in 83. This is where that piston team beat the Lakers, I think, like so many. I mean, the Lakers were basically in the finals almost every year.

They were in the finals in 80, 82, 83, 84, 85, I might be wrong about that, 86 they missed it, 87 and 88. So what is that? That was like seven out of eight. The six out of eight years or seven out of eight years, they were in the finals every fucking year. So I just think of all the wars that I saw on that court and I actually saw the Lakers and the L.A.

Kings play there back in the 90s. I saw the Kings when they played the Penguins against Mario Lemieux. And then I saw a young, young, young Kobe Bryant when he was still wearing number eight. Del Harris was the coach and I think Dennis Rodman was on that team and Shaq had just got there. Hey, ladies. Hi. Hey, you want to talk about that?

You know, all the Instagram people I saw at the mall? I didn't tell you, I was so friggin' claustrophobic with how many people there. That was bananas, right? A lot of people there. Yeah. Yeah. But I was telling the listeners that for Lent, I gave up arguing with you. Oh, is that what that's about?

Huh? It's Lent? That doesn't have to be Lent, but why not? Isn't it 40 days? 40 days. I'm not going to argue with you. So right now, if you want it, you know. If you want it, you can get it.

No, any of any like shit that you know that, oops, any stuff. Sorry, sweetheart. Sorry. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. My daughter got her ears pierced.

I was so against it. Oh, but she looks so cute. Yeah, she does. I know, but she's just like, why, why, I was, I was wondering, you want to see something cute? Why don't you put it on my little pork pie hat? This is the most adorable thing ever. Watch this.

Oh, you're going to start crooning for us? It's you. Strangers in the night. Isn't that a Barbara Streisand song? Oh, no, he's saying that too. Then he scats, saying in the end, she keeps kissing the microphone. Do be do be do. There were.

Hey, don't crush my head. What was your problem with hot moms at the mall? What's wrong with that? I don't have a problem with it. You're right. Okay. So this is a no arguing. I don't know what to, I don't know what it was.

It was podcast. If you're not going to know, I just, I wonder, I guess, I guess, you know, it was what you was saying. I was just wondering like how committed. Like are you, it just seems really self-involved. Like, like, I mean, I can't get a tan, but let's say I could get a tan. All right. Oh, you almost fell there, kiddo.

Back up here, back up here. So like, say like I'm a dad and I'm walking around, I got a P90X body all tanned up. I got my teeth all, all white, yeah, all whitened hair plugs and all that face all yank back. Let me just, let me just say, okay. And I'm walking around. How much do you think I'm paying attention to my kids? Listen, I think the better you feel about yourself, the better you are as a parent.

Thank you. That was like, that would have crushed on Oprah. Oh, she's laughing too. You clapping for mommy because I'm right. You clapping for mommy? What are you laughing at? Yay! Yay!

I love how our instinct is to take the microphone. This is, this is definitely a chance. Oh yeah, she's a hamp. She's a hamp. But no, I think that's, it's, it's fine. I mean, obviously, if you're putting on, oh, did I, I didn't stop the recorder, did I? Uh, no. Obviously, if you are choosing to like, you know, do your makeup or whatever.

Please talk into the mic. I'm watching her. She's good. Hi. Hi. Um, if you're like, you know, I would play with my child for five more minutes, but I have to do my, I don't know. I don't like to judge people, but I think it's cool that you can like have yourself

together and look amazing and still go out with the kid and like do your thing. I think that's great. Do you realize that if I didn't judge people, we'd both be homeless? That's all I do. Um, what are you talking about? I told them how I passed out in Black Panther and I thought I was in a helicopter crash. You did pass out, but to be fair, you started boozing before we went. I had one glass.

It was a big glass. It's a big boy glass. It's a, oh, you were big boy, you got your big boy glass, you could have a little shippy before the movie. Oh, big boy. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, you had a big, uh, you had a big glass and then, you know, we did the other thing.

So I'll tell you what, no, on that thing, I was pretty faded. No, I wasn't even buzzed off of that. You were walking down the street. You were that psycho weed. I always forget to just take a hit and a half. I don't have psycho weed. Well, my, I'm not a weed. Yeah, I am.

I am. And I went in there and all of a sudden this is my brother and I was just tripping. Yeah. And then I passed out and that, that spaceship or something crashed. Did you feel it? When I joined? Too bad you passed out because it was a really good movie. I thought it was what I, what I, what you saw, I really enjoyed the acting was great.

I liked the evil brother. I'm going to see it. The evil brother and the evil white dude were great. So I liked the evil brother too, actually. I feel like I don't want to spoil it for those who, yeah, let's stop talking about it. All right. So it only just came out, but I'm going to go see it again tomorrow in 4DX. Have you ever heard of this?

What are they going to do? They're going to, it's like a universal ride where the seats move and maybe they miss it with the garden house. I don't really feel like it's necessary for all that. So I'm glad we saw the regular, look at this child. I'm glad we saw the regular version because so I could really concentrate on the story. Okay. So what are they going to do?

Are they going to throw stuff at you? I have no idea. We'll see. It's like Gallagher meets going to the movies. God, I hope not. Gallagher's got great material though. And nobody understood. I'm telling you that, that Sledge-O-Matic was ironic.

He was making fun of advertising and then everybody took it at face value. I hope he takes a big thing of cottage cheese and I get hit in the face with it. Yeah. They didn't get it. What's this? What are you giving me? Do you have that? Thank you.

Let me do it. I got to read a little bit of the advertising. All right. Well, we came in to say. Oh, to say good night. Yeah, to say good night. Sleep tight and pleasant dreams to you. There's a wish and a prayer.

What song was that? What's your every dream? I was in the Lawrence Walk Show. Come true and now to be. It's how white a guy I am the other you married. Adios. Au revoir. Adios.

Good night. And then they'd come in with the. What's that? The end of the Lawrence Walk Show. Is he the guy that Fred Armisen? That was basically our soul train. Black people stole soul train from. That was your soul train?

Lawrence Walk. Yeah. And now Bobby and Susie. We're going to your nap time. Hey, oh, because it was boring. Is that the. Sorry. Is that the guy that Fred Armisen would make fun of?

Like do invitation of on on SNL. And then like Kristen Wiig would come out as the like weird woman with like the little hands. It might. No, I don't. There was nobody with little hands on Lawrence Walk. No, I know. But I'm just saying.

I don't know. I don't know what Lawrence Walk is. That definitely sounds like some white shit. Cool. Whoa. Whoa. Huh? You're all excited.

You're walking around. Yeah. What are you? What's so funny? She just cracks up to herself like all day long. I know. I want to be like, what do you think? What is out of place in the universe that it just struck you as funny?

Remember when she was like super, super little? She'd just be crawling along and then she just stopped and just go. Like she just has her own little. Yeah. Secret thing going on. She's got it. She has an imagination. All right.

Let me. I got to read some. Wait, wait, wait, wait. No, no, no, no. She's going to touch the mixer. Okay. Hey, beautiful. Can you say bye-bye?

I'll see you. I won't see you in the morning. I know. Kiss. Thank you. Yeah. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, honey. Can you say bye-bye? Bye-bye. And a kiss for all the listeners. All right.

Bye-bye. Oh, I have to sing the miyandi song and she can't be in here for this. Okay. Hi. Daddy is an idiot. He makes money saying filthy things. All right. All right.

See you later. Bye. Bye. Bye. Okay. All right. Come on. People are getting bored, Nia.

Okay. They're getting bored. Hey. Hey. Hey. Well, that's your new thing, the scowl. Somebody tells you not to do something. You start looking at me like, what kind of authority do you have?

She looks at you like you look. I know. The only time anybody says my daughter looks like me is when she's in a bad mood and she gives somebody a look. Oh, she does look like Bill. No. She looks like Bill. Oh, yeah.

Okay. Bye bye. Bye, bye. Bye, bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Okay. Here we go.

Okay. Here we go. Oh, look who it is, everybody. Me on these. Oh, but do, do, do, me on these. Me on these. Mom is dressing like a whore. But do, do, do, me on these.

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It changed my life evidently according to the copy. It's time to let me on these change yours. Go to me on these.com slash bird right now. You know, I shouldn't have said those things about figure skaters. You know, I'm just sick of listening to people fucking bitching, you know, about body image and all of that shit. Can we at least agree that there are people better looking than other people? I don't know.

Maybe I'm a realist. I know I'm riding the bench in the look department. I'm like that hack they put in at the end of an NBA game and fucking people go nuts. If I just get a fucking bucket, I hit a foul shot, you know, cause the home team's up by 30. Dollar Shave Club everybody. Dollar Shave Club delivers to you everything you need to look, smell and feel your best. Shampoo, body wash, toothpaste, and of course the best razors that you will ever use. Get an amazing high quality shave every morning from Dollar Shave Club's executive razor.

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a Mini Cooper, smashed into a pole and like literally knocked her front fucking tire off. And there was no other person involved in the accident. And it reminded me of that old game that I used to play called Old Eurasian. Stamps.com because there was nobody else around this person. They must have been on the phone. Stamps.com is the easiest way to, to across, to access. I got to get classes. Stamps.com is the easiest way to access all the amazing services of the post office.

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And right now you too can enjoy the Stamps.com service with a special offer. That includes a four week trial plus postage and a digital scale. Go to Stamps.com, click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in burr that Stamps.com enter burr. You know what, now I feel bad that I made fun of figure skaters. Because I remember seeing this African American woman and she was out there killing it doing back flips and shit. And they couldn't deal with how fucking strong she was. And they're like, that's not what a woman looks like. So I felt bad for her. I guess they just don't feel bad for Tonya Hardy.

You know what I mean? And I don't buy that she didn't know it. You know what I mean? If somebody's going to go out of their way, one of those guys was going to go out of their way to smash somebody's knee so you would win. They're going to let you know because they're obviously trying to fuck you, right? That would have been my argument if I was a prosecution. What kind of guy goes out and breaks the knee of another woman for another woman without telling her? I mean, he's a guy, right? He's a heterosexual guy. I mean, it's somewhere there has to be a blowjob at the end of the rainbow or he's not getting out of bed in the morning. No further questions.

All right, gun control everybody. Oh, JJ's. I stepped into it with this one. I'm trying to see if we can just somebody can just explain to me. I'm open minded about it because I don't know shit about guns. Why you need an AR-15 to fucking defend your house? Do people break into your house in packs of 40? That's all I'm asking. Or is it better in a tight spot? You know, my big thing with any gun is how loud is it?

You know, how loud is it? Because I don't know if my ears are already fucked up. You know what I mean? I can't even use a cap gun. I think I'm going to go with just like bare mace. You know, all right, gun control. I love that you spray mace and then the guy's still coming at you. Then you got to run through the cloud that you just fucking sprayed. Now you both fucking can't see shit. All right, gun control. Here we go. Billy Red Balls of fire.

Huge fan and love your work. Much respect and enjoy your success. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I'm a lifetime NRA member and I believe in the Second Amendment. Oh, Jesus fucking Christ. We get it. I'm a Metallica fan and I like to rock. Can we not be so fucking redundant? Jesus fucking Christ. But being that it is an amendment, we could change it to correct it for today's everyday events and happenings.

All right, these school shootings could be narrowed down if we would do away with assault rifles. Now, I know there's a lot of gun people right now going, this isn't a real gun person. This is somebody's some liberal fucking hippie. He glued a bear to his face. He rented a bass boat and then he sanded this in trying to act like he speaks for me. He does not.

All right, these school shootings could be narrowed down if we would do away with assault rifles. Yes, there would still be violence in schools, but a 20 or 12 gauge shotgun is a lot harder to hide than a nine millimeter Glock. I also have a good idea. Right now you can go to a bass pro shop, Walmart and half a dozen other stores to buy ammo.

Since here in New York, we have to register our guns annually. We could also make a state run ammo only store. State run, okay, a state run ammo only store, kind of like Canada's beer liquor store. Buy your guns wherever, register them with the state annually and buy your ammo through the state. That way any large or odd ammo purchases would be tracked.

Along with your background check, it's really the best idea I can come up with. As always, hello to the lovely Nia and thank you for putting up with his ginger ass. Bill, go fuck yourself, that's hilarious. All right, so there's some ideas. There's some ideas. All right, is...

Okay. Mass shooting proposals. Hey there, williest of bills. Here's my proposal to reduce mass shootings. Get communities to come together. It seems like a simple idea but here's my logic. How many people interact with or even know their neighbors? My parents divorced when I was four years old

and during my alternating custody I noticed a few major differences in their individual happiness. And one of the minor details, period, was my mother always made it a point to say hi to her neighbors and hand out cards on the holidays where my father avoided neighbors at all costs. Sounds like me. And also was talking shit and saying negative things.

Also sounds like me. As an adult, I don't dole out gifts but I do make it a point to say hi and shoot the shit with all my neighbors. I believe if communities regularly interacted or even held monthly or seasonal events like block parties they could build a trust independence for each other. And if you notice a neighbor kid acting shady

it could be noted and the kid could get the help they needed without feeling disconnected and abandoned. As I said, it's a simple solution as much as I'm a simple man. May one or more gods or fewer bless you and your family and go fuck yourself. P.S. I was raised around people of the LDS faith Mormons and I see these interactions between them regularly. Anecdotal evidence or not, it's an idea.

Alright? Okay, gun response. I just want to hear what people have to say. I usually comment on this shit. I don't know shit about this. I guess that's what it is. No one has been able to tell me why you need... Yeah, I just wish a gun owner would be fucking honest

when it comes to assault rifles. Why do you need an assault rifle for? And it's like, I don't need one. It's just fucking awesome. To just go down on the gun range and go right and just fucking have a good time with it. It's like, who needs a fucking Ferrari? Nobody.

Right? Nobody needs a fucking Ferrari. All you need is a goddamn... You need a fucking Prius to get to work. But who doesn't want a Ferrari? They're awesome. But in the wrong hands. Alright, gun response.

Billy banned bullets. I never said to ban bullets. Love the podcast. Like that you're a very humble guy. I'm completely full of myself, sir. Doing stand-up at night is not enough. I have to still have a microphone in my hands. Even in my house.

Okay, I grew up in South Alabama. And I'm just getting out of the Marine Corps offers a training. Stereotypically, I'm a conservative with a moderate knowledge of guns. So to answer your question, the Second Amendment is to protect yourself and others from tyranny.

Exactly. That's why I do with that other guy saying that only the state should give out the bullets. That I didn't like because I don't trust... Not like I don't trust the government, man. Just the way that it's set up right now. It's just, I don't know. It's not a good thing if only the people

who are in control have the weapons. Yeah, I just don't think that... We already see what it's like if only the people in control own basically all the major news sources. You see what it's done to this fucking country if you fucking pay attention. How few things you can talk about,

which is why everybody is sitting around calling everybody heroes and this and that and fucking this person's brave and this person's a bad person and blah, blah, blah, blah. They've turned us all into like, we all went back to school like we're sitting on a fucking playground and we have major goddamn problems

that nobody's talking about. You know? I'm off my high horse. Okay. Stereotypically, I'm concerned. Okay. Seems far-fetched, but look up deaths from government tyranny

in the last century. Semi-automatic rifles like the Arma-like 15, I guess that's the AR-15, aka the AR-15, yep, are the minimum needed firepower for a guerrilla militia to fight organized militaries. AR-15 is not a military grade weapon or assault rifle by official standards.

The main reason being effective firing range, pistols are almost as effective at close range. So a ban on ARs won't do much if anything for most of these horrible events and will eliminate purpose of Second Amendment. Well, I mean, well, now wait a minute, dude. Wait a minute. How much, how fast you can shoot

and how many people you can fucking hit. I mean, if you walk into a crowded area, how good a shot do you have to be? I just wish one of these gun people would just be able to listen. I don't want them to ban an AR-15 because I'm not fucking crazy and I enjoy shooting the fucking woods up with this thing. It's fun.

I just, there has to be a way, it just can't be that fucking easy for a fucking lunatic to get their hands on because the bottom line is there's nothing wrong with guns as long as you're not a fucking lunatic. But the problem is, is it's obviously too easy as a lunatic to get one.

Does that make sense to gun people and non-gun people? I mean, guns are fucking great. Like, I can guarantee, I have a baseball bat under my bed and I can guarantee if anybody came to my house, what's the one fucking thing I would wish that I had? I wish I had a fucking gun. You know, my wife doesn't like them.

She's afraid of them, which I get. Now we got a kid, so I'm not, you know, I'm not going to fucking do that. You know, I also don't think, you know, if you get, you know, everybody turning their fucking guns, the only people who are going to do that are honest people. What are bad people going to be like, well, I guess we got to turn in our fucking guns.

I just, there has to be some sort of, I don't know, how the fuck do you figure out who's fucking nuts or not? That's the problem. Anyway, subsequently, almost all gun deaths are from pistols. Solution, increase the age of legal purchase to 21 for anything except pump-action shotguns

and black-powdered rifles. Pistols, you already have to be 21. Okay, also armed security at schools, not a cure all but better than nothing. Yeah, why don't they have armed people at schools? You know, I wouldn't have a problem with that. By the way, founding fathers had a concept of machine guns and certainly of semi-automatic.

They weren't using micro-aggressions, yacali-lib. What do you mean they had a concept? I have a concept of a flying fucking car. Do I know what that's going to do to the world? Hope all that clarifies a point of view without being too in-depth. Thanks for questioning your stance on the issue. What was their concept?

And how do you know they had a concept? Did new evidence show that they had this? What did they have beyond that first one they came up with, where it had to be pushed by nine people and then you had your little crank. Then the guy who came up with the machine gun, he wanted to do that to lower deaths. I heard some other bullshit I heard.

He was just like, well, this thing can shoot as much as an entire platoon. So you won't have to have a platoon. Then you can have less people in the army because this person is going to be shooting just as much. And then all the sickos at the top were like, we will have a platoon of platoons with all machine guns. And that's war.

That's a completely different fucking thing. I'm going to go out on a limb and I don't think the founding fathers had a concept of the level of population. I mean, there's just so much was fucking different back then that they had the concept of an AR-15 and a fucking food court in the 1700s. Maybe they did.

I mean, they were pretty, you know, I don't know, flying kites with keys on them. I guess that makes you a smart guy. I don't know. All right. All right, gun. Yeah, but I like this because nobody's telling me to go fuck myself or anything like that.

You notice people when you just sort of ask what you think and people will then act civilized. And it's opposed to all you idiots on fucking, I shouldn't say it, opposed to all of you individuals who all have a right to your opinion. The way you guys address each other on social media is, you know, I don't know,

it's just the quickest way to have a vein popping out of your forehead. All right, gun, ESPN, Billy Musket Mug. I don't know what that means, it's funny. You're right about the media turning the shootings into ESPN for killers. I mean, the number they keep throwing around is 18 this year. They're counting suicides, a time where a gun went off in a car.

Another was a kid who pulled a police officer's trigger in class. Here's an article about it. No, I was saying that in the mass shootings, the way they say like, this is the deadliest, this is the third deadliest, this is the most blah, blah, blah, blah. And then they splatter the person's face all over the fucking news. And I just don't think that they should show the person.

They should die anonymously. And that's it. I wouldn't even like not even cover the fucking story. I mean, the people that need to know, know. People that lost people or had people affected by it. Okay, and I don't know, to go beyond that, then what am I sitting there watching it for? So I can watch people cry and see people

with the worst day of their fucking life. Why do I need to know that, that that happened? Okay, law enforcement is going to get the person. They're going to fucking prosecute them and all of that type of shit. Why do I need to know that that is going on? I can't defend myself against it. I'm not going to go do it. Right.

However, if you're some sicko and you're watching that shit, you know, I think sickos watch those stories the way, you know, I used to watch rock bands and it made me want to play drums. All right, non-Americans view on guns. I'm of the opinion that the occasional mass killing in the U.S. is the price you pay for your government not turning into Hitler's Germany or Stalin's Russia. It might be the only thing keeping your government from going full retard.

My country New Zealand might be protected in turn by the stability of the USA. The next guy must be way smarter than I am. I don't know what the fuck any of that means. I'm of the opinion that the occasional mass killing in the USA is the price you pay for your government not turning into Hitler's Germany or Stalin's Russia. So because we're allowed to be freer than them, the price we pay is that. Is that what you're saying?

And it might be the only thing keeping your government from going full retard. Which if you look at the economics of the war that we're fighting it has because I don't know how we keep doing this or why we're throwing this much money at, you know, I don't know. You know why the fuck we're doing it. Everybody does. All right, lifting weights. Hey Bill, I'm a longtime fan of the podcast.

Just wanted to respond to your comment about not lifting weights. While it's a great that you recognize the negatives of lifting weights as a primary routine, I would not count out curling a few dumbbells every now and then. There's been a lot of research about the cardiovascular benefits to basic weight lifting. I suggest lower weight, high reps at least once a week. Thank you. I 100% agree with that. All right, but the problem is I came up in the 80s. So it's all about, dude, what are you benching?

And how I got hurt was one time in my life I was able to put up 225, which is 245s on both sides. I finally felt like a big boy in the gym. So like an asshole, whenever I first hurt myself, which I think I was 48, you know, a year ago this past October. So that would be in October 2016. I had a fucking gym put in. I was all excited.

And I fucking the first day fucked up my shoulder and I'd never done it before. So I just tried to push through it and I kept lifting. And now it's just completely, it's completely fucked up. And every time I think I'm getting towards the end of it, like I have, you know, I now have the strength back where I can like, you know, pick up shit and everything, but my mobility is really fucked up. So I haven't been to the physical therapy in a minute. I got to get back to that.

I just got a little busy here, but I agree with that 100% use it to lose it. But you know, don't try to fucking lift what you lifted when you were 20. All right, my wife is nuts. Hey guys, keep sending shit in about the gun control stuff, because I think it's really interesting as far as like, you know, to just hear people's opinions and where they're from and why they view stuff the way they do without fucking screaming at each other. And hopefully, you know, I don't know, I just, can somebody weigh in how,

okay, whether you're pro-gun or not pro-gun? All right, how, you know, because psychos do a lot of shit. Psycho's getting cars and they drive into fucking people and all of that shit, you know what I mean? They don't try to fucking make, take cars away from everybody. I know that's overly simplifying it, but, you know, I think it's, I don't know, I just don't, even though I'm not into guns, I just don't look at them like they're these fucking, like they're alive and they have the devil in them. I do find them scary.

You know, I have gone to gun ranges and I shoot and it's fun once you kind of, it's like anything. I first started flying a helicopter, I was like, is this thing going to chop my fucking head off? And then once you get into the physics and how the whole thing works, it becomes absolutely fascinating. So, you know, I think those people go skeet shooting, I think that's the shit. And I think people that hunt is, it's fucking amazing that they know how to do that, build a fire and survive outside. It's probably an important thing that you need to know how to do. I respect all of that shit. It's just hot.

So, and those people should be allowed to continue doing that. I just wish there was a fucking way that you could figure out when somebody came up to be like, hey, maybe that's, that's something good for Alexa. Is everybody bugs their house, right? Maybe one of those fucking lunatics will be muttering to themselves. You know, God knows I have a little camera in there and they'll see the person fucking bringing all this fucking ammo. I don't know. Even then, just even if you limited the amount of ammunition, the amount of fucking damage that you can do. Just buy, I would think just buying a box of bullets.

It's fucking nuts. I didn't like talking about it. It's so fucking creepy. All right. Wife is nuts. But I appreciate everybody calmly discussing this and I respect all of your opinions. All right. Wife is nuts.

Bill, longtime listener of the podcast. Dude, can you shed a light on why my wife is unable to have a real conversation about anything tangible? Politics, current events, music, sports, et cetera. I swear she has no interest outside of her work and trashy TV. Teen mom, TLC shows, et cetera. It's kind of sad. She used to be so interesting, but now that she's a mom, she's a bore. Well, she's tired, man.

Life is just not fun to her. I love being a father, but I just sense she can't handle the life side of her life. What gives? She's a fantastic mother to her son, but is mailing it in as a wife. All right. I'm not going to lie to you. I've run into these kinds of problems, all right? Shit changes, obviously, when you have a kid, but with a woman, I don't even know what the

fuck's going on. They have thunder and lightning going on in between their fucking ears, like all hormones and all this crap. And they get a C-section. They got to recover from major abdominal surgery. They're going through a lot of stuff. Plus, their body literally changes. They put on weight and shit.

And it's like so easy to fall into a depression, get overwhelmed and all of that type of shit. So I would say, you know, you're doing the guy thing where you just bare bones talking about it, going, she unable to have a real conversation about anything tangible. I can tell you why my wife watches trashy TV. She sometimes just doesn't want to think, okay? And, you know, the level of worry that they have, you know, about what's going to happen to the kid? Am I doing a good job and all that type of shit?

What you need to do, you need to have a date night. Once a week, once every two weeks, get a sitter and go out and kind of get that going again. All right? And I think your wife will enjoy it. You guys will enjoy each other's company. You got to have, you know, most of your life is going to be about the kid, but you got to have that one little thing, right? That's what I would do.

And all the shit that you said to me, I would not say to her. So anyways, that is the, that is a pocket. Oh, did anybody see when the Bruins played the Calgary Flames at home and they had the reunion of the 1977, 78 Boston Bruins that set a record, even though they lost back to back years to the Canadians of the finals, fucking heartbreaking losses, but that team had like the most 20 or more goalscores on it. And all of these guys I hadn't seen and right when I started watching hockey, these guys were the Bruins.

It was Wayne Cashman, Terry O'Reilly, Stan Jonathan, Peter McNabb, Jean Mattel, Jean Mattel. He was gone by the time I started watching. John Wensink was gone, but I'm just talking about the 20 goalscores here, Rick Middleton. He was one of my favorites. They did this great thing where they had, they just brought him back and they've shown all the highlights and they had Don Cherry come out. He was the coach at the time. And it was so fucking great to see those guys and he did all these interviews and laugh

and they're all fucking hockey plays of the shit. It was just, for the most part, just humble and that type of thing. And they will laugh and like Stan Jonathan, hey, you are known as a tough customer. It's like one of the toughest fucking guys I've ever played. And he's like, hey, I had a couple of scraps or whatever. Just yeah, whatever. He doesn't need to prove anything. And I actually only watched the first period and we played horrible defense in that game.

I hope we fucking ended up winning that. But I'm trying to hang in there with the Bruins and the Celtics. I know I haven't been talking about them much this year, but my kid became mobile. So I spend most of my life running around after her and when she goes to sleep, I sleep. You know what I mean? It's like that Ludacris song, right? When you move, when I move, you move. That's the other way.

When she sleeps, you sleep just like that. When you sleep, whatever the fucking song is. That's what I always sing when I put it down. When you sleep, I sleep just like that. And she goes, he, he, he, she fucking laughs and falls asleep. And then I shut my eyes, which feels like five seconds. Then I have to wake back up again, which is probably why I fell asleep during the phenomenal Black Panther. Go out, check it out.

Really enjoyed that movie, even though I fell asleep and thought I was in a helicopter crash. All right, that's it in my apology to figure skaters. You know what I mean? Why do you have to be skating around all fucking emaciated? You know what I'm saying? I think it's about time they got some thickies out there. All right. God knows maybe they can do some new tricks.

Okay, that's it. That's the podcast. I'm off to New York and I'm going to do that benefit. Looking forward to seeing Bobby Kelly, Rich Voss, Joe DeRosa, all the people out there. Shout out to Colin Quinn. I know he's doing better and all that stuff. He's been just about every Patrice O'Neill benefit, salt of the earth guy. So giving him a shout out.

So hopefully he'll be up and around. I can run to him in New York and try and break his balls. All right, that's the podcast. Go fuck yourselves off. Check in with you on Thursday, Jesus. Deleize. Me mit het leven.