Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 2-19-24

Episode Date: February 19, 2024

Bill rambles about happy loud people, flat earth motivation, and cheerleaders. Indochino:  Use code BURR to get 10% off any purchase of $399 or more at www.indochino.com  Hims:  Start you free online visit today at www.Him.com/BURR 

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday. Oh, February 19, 2020. Whoa, whoa, what's going on? Oh, yeah. Oh, Jesus. I just came back from a coffee shop. I went there with my wife. Delicious coffee. Everything was going good. You know, I was out in the hell was I Agua Caliente Casino this weekend. So, you know, I was missing my wife. I hadn't seen her in a couple of days. We went out, we got a little bit of breakfast. You know, I was just right as I was about to tell her how much I missed her and it was great to be back with her. This lady comes into the coffee shop, just one of those like super excited people. You know what I mean? They're

in the voice, they're so excited to see their friends. They're so excited about just being alive in general, that their voice gets a little shrilly. And I got to Tanaidis and her fucking voice was just, it was going into my right ear to the center of my fucking brain. It literally sounded like somebody confidently playing a trumpet that is not that good at it. But they think they are. Oh, and every time I thought her excitement level had reached, had crest, it went a little higher.

It was like, oh my God, you guys, you're here! It's still here. That last part was like, oh my God, shut up. But you know, why should I be upset because she's so fucking happy? God bless her. I just wasn't, it was too early for that level of joy. That's something I wish there was a nice way to convey that.

You know, it's like when you're at the gym, you know, and somebody's got a tank top on and they're fucking doing shoulder presses and they're fucking pit stink. Like why is it socially unacceptable to just in the middle of one of their reps to walk up with a right guard spray in each hand like a fucking 1800s outlaw and just,

shh. You know, it's cold, maybe they dropped the weight, but it's like, dude, you fucking stink. How do you not know that you stink? When did you fucking bathe last? Bring your fucking stinky ass down to the fucking gym and you're wearing like no clothes. It's unreal.

Sometimes you just feel like, it's like you're doing it on purpose. That's got to be some weird, some weird sort of thing, like some fucking leftover caveman shit where you're going to like leave your stention like mark your fucking territory. Fucking that people have fucking now fucking take a fucking shower. Oh, Jesus. I'm on one today. You know, now that I am a coffee drinker, I noticed there's two kinds of coffee drinkers. Fucking take a fucking shower. Oh Jesus. I'm on one today, you know

Now that I am a coffee drinker, I notice there's two kinds of coffee drinkers does the wiry All I do is drink coffee and there's barely any nutrition in me Sort of coffee type drinker and then there's just the fucking tub of shit That has like whipped cream. It's like, what is it? Your birthday, right? They coming down, they got the whipped cream on top with some sort of fucking Nougat and like, I don't know what, like sugar drizzle.

Now, what is it? Chocolate fucking with shavings on top of it. And then they always have some sort of pastry. I just look at these guys and they look and then their body types are like, they do that every day. It's like, you're still young, what are you doing? You got mantits in your lower back.

What the fuck are you doing? Look at yourself. This is the prime of your life. Prime of your life, you're never gonna look better. Look what you're doing. Some of your life, you're never gonna look better. Look what you're doing. Some of these guys, it's like, you wanna walk around and look like you can fuck, right? Like you can push up off of it and drop in.

Bam, bam, bam, that's what you want. Fucking sitting there drinking a goddamn frappe, eating a quesadon, looking like you're just gonna collapse down on her after two pumps. And then you're sad because no one wants to fuck you and you go back to the coffee shop and you get fatter. Get yourself an espresso and start change smoking and the weight is gonna drop. Look at Keith Richards. That guy has had like fucking 2% body fat my entire life. He's never, that guy has never been, as much as people make fun of that guy, he's never been foul. He did this drug. He did this.

He got arrested for that. Oh yeah. He's still alive. Still alive. He's the best thing about Keith Richards. Not only is he still alive, he's in better shape than most of the people that have been predicting his death since the 70s.

A lot of the people died saying that Keith, what if baby boomers think that shit when they're laying on that death bed? You know, if you were to tell me in 1974 that Keith Richards was gonna outlive me, I would have thought I was gonna die in 1975. Forget about lived in 2024. Anyway, half of the shit that I'm saying is I'm just mad at myself because I could

have ate a little better when I was on the road. I have my discipline, my discipline is great when I'm home, but I go on the road, I gotta fucking, I gotta rewire these habits here. So I got up this morning, bow, doobly, doboop, and I went to the gym body baby beep. I got a the elliptical And I heard my fucking shin Yeah, knock that out You know gonna hit the gym every day this week, and then I don't even know where I am this weekend I'm in Portland, Oregon

Home of the insufferable white liberal. I think that that's what their state bird is. You know, it's just some hairy-legged white chick bitchin' about something. You know, she bitched so much they removed the bird from the fucking thing and they put her there. And it's like, well, you know, in England there's a slang for women called birds. So it kind of makes sense, whatever. Let's just shut her up. Yeah, me, yeah, me, yeah, get patriarchy. Me, me, yeah, me, yeah, me, yeah, all right, all right there. Okay.

You just take that and slide it down the counter. Thank you. Then I know I'm in Vancouver. Oh, and then I think I go to Utah. I have not been to Utah In forever one of the most beautiful states you're ever gonna go to great people despite what the fucking You know people on the coast right who think they're so fucking groovy think they think everybody out there is a Mormon With 12 fucking wives

Beating them on the feet because they didn't make a homemade pie then. That's not how it works. I don't know how it works, but they're not all like that out there. I haven't been there in a long time and it's one of my favorite places to go because it is so beautiful. However, there is something a little unsettling about it

when you go in there as the airport is like surrounded 360, I believe, by mountains. So you kind of got to drop in. It's a little unsettling. But other than that, I'm very excited to go to go to all three of those places. And, you know, I used to know the guys up in Vancouver that I took a helicopter lesson one time when I was up there and I flew a

cabri G2 ironically enough that's what I fly now and you know I was not flying it well because it was like I was used to the main rotor going counterclockwise and this thing went clockwise and like they were just like just follow the nose follow the nose but I was like doing muscle memory shit and flying the thing like a fucking salmon going up sea upstream I mean I'd like to do that again like if I should check out the weather forecast because what sucked was the day that I flew up there. It was cloudy like usual, but like that is another gorgeous. I'm going to three gorgeous cities. You know, Portland, Vancouver and Salt Lake City.

Those are like the places like you'd go like back in the day, like when you get on some game show that really didn't want wanna get you a gift, like the fucking Wheel of Fortune, they are the tightest budget in all of game shows. Just from way back in the day, they just always with the shit prizes. If you're really old,

you remember when you used to select what you wanted. And then they just, you would sleep, brass bed frames, cuckoo clocks, grandfather clutches, shit. Like what, what, what did, I just won 10 grand on a fucking game show and you take me to a furniture store? The, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha For 1200 I'll take the living room set and put the rest on a gift certificate tell you

what why don't you just keep the fucking money where's the gift certificate to huh bed bath and beyond you fucking assholes I thought this was a game show I thought I won I feel like my wife won anyway let's get to the whole the weekend. This is all Billy Freckles, Billy Redface, Billy fucking Orange Tits, first fucking road gig since before Thanksgiving. So, smartly, here's one for all you younger comics out there that are starting to headline and everything like that. If you haven't done a bunch of gigs, go to a local comedy club, do two shows, bomb, get rid of the rust and then go out. Don't get back on your feet in front of people that paid good money to see you because by

the time you get up and going, like half your fucking run is done and people saw you get the job done. You don't want that. You want to fucking kill them. So I went down to the comedy store, went up to the belly room and I did two shows back to back in eight and a 1030 and I just tried out some new shit, fucked around, did jokes. Like I couldn't remember how the fuck they went. It's weird, like a couple of months off the road,

you kind of start to forget your act, but it was a smart thing to do cause I went on stage out there in Kaisersosa, Agua Caliente Casino out there, and it was like I never left, and I had such a good time, the crowds were great. Underrated, really underrated as Palm Springs, and just being out there, man.

There's something really, really cool about, you're at, like, I was joking all weekend, you're like at the end of civilization. Like it's this weird kind of thing where you feel safe because you're at your hotel and oh, there's a 7-Eleven and blah, blah, blah, blah, but you look out your hotel window and you just, you see civilization just end and then it becomes the desert.

And it's so weird. It's like as long as I stay where all these buildings are, I am going to have no problem staying alive. I venture out into that shit and the clock immediately, I'm on the clock. But it was incredible, man, just beautiful, these beautiful mountains and some of them still had like snow on them and stuff all the way down to the desert sand. I mean, it's like, uh, I mean, if you're going to take fucking mushrooms, like that is the place. I see why people do it out in the desert. I get that whole Jim Morrison, lizard king, fucking mystical thing about it because, uh, like what I'm in like civilization, it's very easy for me to not believe

in God but when you get out there in the fucking there's something about the desert where you're like there's something beyond this. I mean I don't know what it is. I could definitely, I definitely think that this is something beyond this, but like I know no human being knows what it is. So there's no fucking way I would ever The same way like during COVID. It's like I'm not gonna listen to you Because you read something on the internet. It's like I'm not gonna like I don't do like I I believe that if your car's broken you take it to a mechanic I'm weird like that like I don't think that you should take it to a banker. What do you think the problem is?

You should get a new one. I'll write up the loan. Is there anything better than having a good mechanic? A handyman? A fucking reputable carpenter. It's fucking unbelievable. I'll tell you this, whatever job you're in, if you're fucking great at it and you treat people right,

people will come to you as long as you're working because it is a rare, it is a rare thing. And I gotta tell you, going on the road, like it is just, it's a very different vibe than it was even just a few years ago. I just feel like everybody, cause everybody can like pick their own sort of media that they're watching.

There used to be sort of this collective conscious, consciousness, you know, and there was like always some people that were into like some underground bands and shit like that. But even they basically, everybody sort of shared the same view of like, this is what's happening in the world. There was different differing opinions on what we should do about what was happening in the world, but everybody sort of agreed with what was happening in

the world, right? And now I feel like that has just been exploded into like everybody is just sort of gone down their own doom scroll and now everybody has their own reality. So trying to get like some sort of collective vibe going on with the crowd is like a sort of a new challenge. Like when we were driving out to the desert, I saw there was a truck, those beautiful like tractor trailers pulling this 18 wheeler, it was like gold. And on the side, written in black, it said the earth is flat. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Fuck and listen when I was growing up back in the day There was people that believed in conspiracy. It was conspiracy theorists. It wasn't as prevalent But there were but they didn't write it on the side of their car Can somebody out there if somebody list my podcast must believe that the world is flat. I just

For my own fucking sanity Can you please explain to me insanity. Can you please explain to me what the advantage is of the people in power, the deep state, man, what is the advantage that they have over me if I think the world's round when it's really flat? Like, how does that help them have more contract? What do they get out of that? All right, I get like most conspiracy theories, I get what they're getting at saying like they're saying this is going on, but this is what's really going on. This didn't happen. This person didn't commit suicide. They were actually killed because of blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And even if I don't agree with

it, I understand the logic as to why people are paranoid or suspicious of Something and I understand that if what they're saying is true What like take the Epstein thing everybody's saying he got killed. I mean that's an easy one I understand why because they don't want him saying Who the fuck went there and what the hell they did that makes sense to me? So one side saying, oh, he killed himself. No, no, no, no, he fucking was murdered. I get that. But the fucking the earth, do

you know what? The earth is really flat. Like, what do they get out of that? I think it's round. I believe that it's round. I believe that an astronaut's picture of it is more evidence than a guide that drives a truck. Of course you think the earth's flat. You're on it. But if you fly, talk to any pilot. There's no pilot in the fucking world that thinks the world is flat. They know it isn't.

Especially if you have an instrument rating. Back in the day when they were using VORs, they're phasing those things out. One of the things that would fuck you out of getting the signal is if you were too far away from it. If you were too far away from it, the curvature of the earth that signal would go fucking right off the edge and just right out. Not the edge meaning flat, the curvature of the earth and you're on the other side of it. You'd have to come around and then get to it. And if you're able to fly high enough, you're looking out in front of you, you see it drop

off. I just don't. I don't understand it. It's just like, dude, there's people that like get in boats and they go down to, they think we're in a cereal bowl anyway, getting boats, we're gonna go fly. They call it to like the ice wall. They think there's an ice wall and that's what holds back the ocean. How thick is this fucking wall? It's holding back the ocean.

All right. And I said, I'm laughing because it doesn't make any sense to me, but let's just, I'll go with the right, but why, why wouldn't they just tell us that it's flat like I don't give a fuck if it's flat as long as I don't fall off it I don't give a shit oh is it actually a big cereal bowl okay cool it doesn't increase my taxes doesn't lessen them I I don't I don't all right we get it Bill we get it anyway so one of the things I did when I was out there, I went to this local place. I had literally the best pancakes I've ever had in my fucking life. And no, I'm not gonna tell you the name of it.

Okay, because I don't want a bunch of, I hate when people do they blow up a spot. All right, you go out there. You go out there and you do the work. You talk to a local. You know, they ask for a light, you give them a light. And then out of that, they tell you where to go get pancakes. So these fucking assholes on Instagram,

these are the five best places to get your fucking pussy waxed, right? And then these poor broads are standing out in the fucking rain, going there was nobody here last week. What happened? Anyway, so I had the best pancakes I've ever had in my life. They were gigantic, but they were thin and they weren't filling and they were fucking

delicious. And I never do syrup for breakfast. I'm just too old for sugar and all of that shit. I just don't do it. And I just saw them. I was just like, those look unfucking believable and somebody next to me said they are I said all right so I had a couple side eggs right a little bit of protein or whatever a little bit of protein I had a

little bit of protein and I ended up you know they, they were fucking delicious. And when I walked out of there, you know, cause I golfed last week when I was in Vegas, there was a golf shop. I'm like, let me go in there. Let me look at some clubs. And it's one of the things I joked about on stage where I'm really proud about myself

is I'm a 54 year, 55 year old white male and I have never bought a set of golf clubs in my life. And that's pretty fucking amazing. You know what I mean? Everybody has a tattoo, everybody fucking golfs, everybody got crocs, you know? I don't have tattoos, I don't know, I don't have crocs and I never bought golf clubs, you know? I mean, I don't know if you realize what I'm getting at here. I feel like I am a capitalist. I'm a rebel in a capitalist way. Not in a true rebel way.

Like that guy, Russia just fucking whacked. Right? Like I can go with that. Guy was opposing Vladimir Putin. You know, one of the top Russian ice skaters, hockey players there's ever been. And I went into this fucking golf shop and I immediately was just overwhelmed, just the sheer amount of shit that is involved in that hobby, dude.

It was just teas, markers for the ball, all these different balls, the fucking hats, the clothes, all of that. Then you get to the back, all of these fucking bags, and all these different drivers and fucking many hybrid clubs and fucking irons, putters, all of this. I was like, I gotta get the fuck out of here.

And every time I think about buying some clubs, I walk into one of those places and I'm like, what in God's name am I doing with my life right now? Why would I fucking bring this into my life? This looks like all the fucking shoes. I don't know. I will say though, it is a fun activity. Just going out there and knocking the ball around.

And my favorite thing to do is just completely not give a shit and count every single fucking stroke. You know, I had one hole when I was out in Vegas. I don't know what happened. I think I just got tired because it was like I never hit a golf ball in my life. I swung and completely missed. Then I swung and I nicked it

and it just sort of rolled off the tee. And then the third one I connected with and I had a nice shot, but I counted that as my third shot. Mulligan, breakfast ball. Tiddlywinks, it's just like, no, these count. I'm trying to hit the ball. You fucking cheat and cunts.

Don't fucking try to get me dirty too. I'm not running for office, right? So anyway, after breakfast, you know, I was out there with Dean Delray and he's really into architecture and he's saying, you know, it's time of year that they have all of these tours that you can go on, these architecture tours and, you know,

you can go see the Elvis house and go see the Frank Sinatra house well I only had time to go to one so we went to the Elvis one and he's like oh he should have gone to the Sinatra one I was like well what are you gonna do the Elvis one was at 12 noon I was gonna fucking take a tour of Sinatra's house at five, rush back, eat something and then go do a show. I didn't wanna do that. So we went there, it was called the Elvis Honeymoon House. First of all, every house in the neighborhood was gorgeous. We show up, we paid for the tour and everything. We go in there and they're like, oh, you're in luck.

This tour, the guy who bought the house is giving the tour. And dude, we get in there and they're like, oh, you're in luck. This tour, the guy who bought the house is giving the tour. And dude, we get in there and this guy, like he starts talking about the house. And I kind of realized, like halfway through it, like, oh, this guy just flipped this house. He bought it, he fixed it up. They used to be tennis courts. He goes, they're building houses on either side of it.

And you gradually figured out, cause he sold both parcels of land for them to build houses. And somebody finally asked, they said, how long did you own this house? And the guy goes, for three days, three days, then I sold it. He goes, I spent three nights in the house. I just wanted to take a bath in each one of the tubs.

And I was like, gross. And then he just kind of realized, this guy doesn't give a fuck. Then I kind of like asked around and I realized that Elvis never lived in the house. What it was was he was going to get married in the house. And then there was some gossip lady that lived down the street, got wind of it. So then he kind of ran out the back door, went to Vegas, got married. And then he kind of ran out the back door, went to Vegas, got married, and then he came back there and for like two, three days, he had his honeymoon there. So he didn't live there. I mean, he fucked in there, but he didn't, he didn't live there. He was only there for like three days. But having

said that, the house was fucking gorgeous. And like the guy who designed it, like he like the guy who designed it, like he was the dude who flipped it was talking about the angles. He goes, he would take like this angle here from this, the countertop, the corner of this countertop goes right out and lines up with the corner of the pool, which lines up with the wall with the end of the property.

It was like these sniper lines of architecture. And I gotta tell you, man, I used to just like, you know, you know, back east, the garrison colonials, when I came out here, obviously, like I liked a lot of those mediterranean Spanish style houses that you see up in Santa Barbara. I kind of like those.

But like the mid-century houses, like I just, I grew up looking at those back east and to me they were just like Brady Bunch houses. I never gave a fuck about them. And now all of a sudden I'm like really into them. Plus I like them because they're like minimalist looking houses, like you can't have a lot of shit in them, which I don't know, is like really appealing. It's funny, and then you look at those things going,

oh, you know, I could live out here. I could live out here, I'm getting fucking older. I could live out here in Palm Desert, or Palm Springs, that's literally what people say in February when they go out to visit there. But if you're out there in like June, July, August, September, you're like, how the fuck do people live out here? Like that place is not for the week.

I can tell you that. Anyway, I think that's basically all I had to talk about. Oh, this is also weird too. Like I'm literally doing this podcast at like 1.40 in the afternoon and on a Sunday. And this is one of the saddest Sundays of the year. It's the first Sunday without football. And it's just like, it's all done, man.

Like now what? But you know what? MotoGP and F1 start up and then you got March Madness next month, you know? Or you could ignore all of that and face your demons. It's not something I want to do. All right, let's do, oh, I have a show announcement, everybody. I have a show announcement, everybody. I have a show announcement. I'm gonna be in Springfield, Missouri at the Great Southern Bank Arena.

Springfield, the capital of Missouri. No, wait, or is it Jefferson City? I can't remember. Pre-sale starts on Wednesday with the code burr, B-U-R-R. And then the general on sale is on Friday. I am having so much fucking fun just getting back out there. Just for the simple fact of not only do I love doing it, I actually realize now that I actually need to do standup

because if I don't, I fall off the cliff and I go into like a massive depression. So they always say, you know comedians, you know the service that you're providing, you bring people laughter and laughter is the best. It's like, hey, hey, hey, let's let's not act like I'm not getting something out of this. Jesus Christ. Oh my God, thank God I have kids. Kids are the fucking best. You just see them and you feel good, you wanna make them happy

and it takes the focus off of yourself. There's just something about the fucking age I'm at. Like I don't know what it is. You know what I've been doing lately to just add to my fucking sadness is I go on the internet late at night and I start looking up all of these bands that I listened to or that I kind of knew one song from

and I start to see who's still alive in the band. It's so stupid, it's so fucking morbid. Somehow I was listening to this song from 10 years, 10 years after. And I always loved the guitarist. I never knew his name, Alvin Lee. And I just started looking him up and I was like, God man, I wanna go see this guy.

I bet he's still going, I mean, playing like that, you can't stop playing if you play that good. It's just literally in you, right? So I'm like, I wanna he's still going. I mean, playing like that, you can't, you can't stop playing if you play that good. It's just literally in you, right? So I'm like, I wanna go see this guy. I looked up and I found out he passed away. And then it just, oh dude, the next thing you know, I'm looking up fucking, oh, that's not how it happened. I was looking up old drum kits.

And I came across this YouTube video about slingerland drums in 1973 and the drum kit that almost tanked the company. And then it just got me into drum kits from that era. And there was just some of the craziest fucking kits. I saw this one kit. It was a slingerland kit and they had these toms. They were called like, they were like half toms that had like a slit in the back, like curvature, like a fucking chick's ass almost,

like a heart shape type of thing. They were the weirdest things ever. And they were advertising these things. And it would literally be like eight toms, rack toms, and then one floor tom, eight up, one down, and then one bass drum. It was the dumbest looking fucking thing ever. But like there was all of these guys back then,

it was funny, they would be playing these monster kits behind these like singer songwriters. Like who's that guy that plays with Elton John that is just fucking incredible? And he always has the Ferrari red drums, just a badass drummer. He had these massive kits or that guy that played with the sweet Caroline Neil Diamond guy, another guy,

just massive amount of fucking toms, double bass and all of this shit. And they were up there like just really just playing for the song they must have done some sort of epic drum solo like what was that one from like iron butterfly and you hear the guy how big the guys drum set is it's like it's like, Brrrr, brrrr, brrrr, brrrr, brrrr, brrrr, brrrr, brrrr, brrrr, brrrr, brrrr, brrrr, brrrr, it's like the same fucking sticking as he just blows down. Like fucking 52 black dot fucking rack toms.

And I was just looking, I'm going, these are the fucking weirdest, coolest looking things ever. There's one for sale on eBay right now. If you just want a killer fucking kit, it's a stainless steel 1973 double base kit, 224s. And then it was, it was four up, two down. And it was like literally like a 12, 13, 14, 15, 16 floor, 20 floor, like this giant fucking floor tom, a doom. And then right off to the right above those floor toms

were two stainless steel bongos. Like, but like power tom looking things. It's one of the coolest fucking kids I've ever seen. And I would, you would need like a McMansion to like set this fucking thing up. But all the fun that you would have. So it started off with that. And then I started looking up like who the people were

that played these drum kits. And I got into like the advertiser. I was like, oh my God, look at this guy these drum kits. And I got into like the advertiser, I was like, oh my God, look at this guy's drum kit. You know, Hal Blaine had a giant fucking kit. He was a studio guy out here that played on everything. And I, that started me looking up bands. Oh, look at this drum. Let me see what he did.

And finding that they were dead. And then I just fucking, oh man, I just, I went down into the soup, oh, Billy fucking soup, soupy sales there. And I was just like, I have to stop doing this. I need to get back to, I gotta get back to the light here.

Like one of the guys, the guy that he played on Neil Diamond's, I got it, Saint Jean or Dean or something. I gotta get this guy's fucking name. If I'm gonna tell this fucking story here. Neil Diamond, drummer, Greek.

It's a Greek theater. Oh, of course I can't open it up because I have an airplane mode. I forget the guy's fucking name. My apologies. But he played on everything. Remember that love is kinda crazy, with a spooky little girl like you. Da-da-da- low-cut jeans before the National Guard comes in and fucking shoots them. It was a volatile time.

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All right, let's fucking go places. Okay, it's time for the reads. Why does it keep resetting here? Trying to do the reads, man. Am I right? We got past Toyota, now we're into the reads. All right, Super Bowl girlfriend argument. Oh, Jesus.

Isn't that just like them, you know, to just get an argument while you're trying to watch the fucking Super Bowl? I'm just judging this before I even read it. You know, it's like, God forbid my attention is on something else. You know, I'm not gonna leave you for the Super Bowl. It's just a game I'm watching.

Stop acting like I'm checking out another woman, okay? All right, hey Bill, I'm ready to ask advice on how to watch sports with my girlfriend. I already have some thoughts on this. This is all your fault at this point, all right? But it isn't because you're only 28, all right? 28, you're getting a little long in years to be putting up with this kind of behavior with somebody that're only 28, all right? 28, you're getting a little long in your ears to be putting up with this kind of behavior

with somebody that you're with, all right? I like to watch sports. You like to watch Real Housewives. Do I give you grief when you're watching that shit? Let me watch what I wanna watch. Stop nagging me. You think I'm a nag? Yes.

I'm 28 years old and by some miracle, a woman has decided to love me continuously for the past 10 months. All right. So you have low self-esteem, self-deprecating. This is why you're getting into these. You got to have some backbone. You got to, you got to consider, you got to give yourself some value.

All right. I'm over the moon and ecstatic about my relationship with her. However, last night during the Super Bowl, during Super Bowl 58, we had a couple of arguments during a watch party. As a Falcons fan, I normally watch football by myself. There's no point in depressing the people around me while watching my team. This guy's funny.

I like this guy. However, I decided to go to a Super Bowl watch party for the first time ever and I took my girlfriend with me. During the entire second half, I didn't even look at her. I was fully focused on the game. Yeah, it was an exciting game. The end of the game, we were all saying our goodbyes

and I found my girlfriend sitting on a chair alone in the corner of the room. Bill, I've never seen her more mad. She didn't yell at me in front of my buddies, but we had a private talk about how I can't ignore her during games. I wasn't actively trying to ignore her a private talk about how I can't ignore her during games. I wasn't actively trying to ignore her. This is just how I watch football.

How can I express this in a relatable way to her? Thanks and go chug a beer. P.S. I wrote a few months ago asking how to handle being laid off and your advice helped a lot. I've got a new job and I'm happier than ever. Thanks for all you do. All right, well, here's the thing. Your girlfriend, I mean, I wasn't there.

I don't know if you waved her away. If you did something like that, I understand that. But if you're just watching the game and it's an intense game and she's over there pouting, here's the first thing. The first thing, do not lose your cool when you discuss this. I would just be like,

I would just, you know, wait another week because you obviously, you know, she yelled at you and all that. Just say, hey, can I talk to you about something? Yeah, yeah, what is it? And then just fucking be like, listen, you know, you got really mad at me at the Super Bowl party because I didn't pay attention to during the second half. And it was like, you know, sports are

a big thing for me. I really enjoy watching sports. It doesn't mean that I don't care about you. That was the championship game. It was unbelievably close and it was a classic football game and all I did was, you know, enjoy it. And then I got, I got yelled at for enjoying something that I enjoy in my life, which is something I would never do to you. If there was something that you were enjoying, like I would get an enjoyment out of watching you be happy. I wouldn't be upset that you were enjoying something rather than paying attention to me. Like I just, you know, just say that it hurt my feelings that you were mad because I was enjoying myself. Now that last bit was a little rocky and I probably could have worded that better. But you know, and then she'll say what she have to say

and then just say, listen, I understand that, but like, I don't want to feel like I can't watch sports around you. You know what I mean? Like I enjoy watching them. I love you, I love being with you and all of that, but like you, I also have interest outside of this relationship,

and I would like to be able to do them without getting yelled at. And if you wanna go further like me and you sitting in the corner pouting like a fucking baby if you think everybody in the party didn't notice that, that's fucking embarrassing. All right? Grow the fuck up.

Don't say any of that last part. But that's basically it. Yeah, like I like football. And I watch it. And I really get into it because it makes me happy. All right? And if it makes you happy, just start singing Sheryl Crow. She'll understand.

Yeah. It's a fucking Super Bowl. I got to admit, like I said, if you didn't say anything rude or you didn't waver off and embarrass her in front of your friends, like she's really acting like a fucking baby. And there's a tremendous like level of insecurity there. What shiny thing do I need to buy you

on what made up holiday that will make you feel loved enough that I can watch 30 minutes of fucking football that determines the championship without you having a fucking meltdown. Don't say that either. Anyway, all right. Right, Red Arrabac, eight Billy Green teeth. I've heard a story that Red didn't like cheerleaders

at the game and thought it was a distraction and had nothing to do with the game and thought it was a distraction and had nothing to do with the game he loved. Yeah, 100%. Why would you parade like a bunch of underpaid hot chicks past a bunch of guys with zillions of dollars? Obviously that's going to steal their focus. Anyway, and that they didn't, they did not have cheerleaders till he left or died. What the fucking young people with your double negatives? And they didn't not have, if they did not have, they had them before he died.

Is this true? I Googled it and found conflicting stories. Is this true? I googled it and found conflicting stories. Cheerleaders, as far as I know, were not part of the pro game. I wanna say until like the Lakers. There was like the Lakers had them, and I think they might've got them after the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders. Like as far as at the pro level,

like cheerleaders were a very like unprofessional thing of sports. So that was like college level. And I want to say the, I would Google the history of cheerleading in professional sports. There was probably a time in the twenties early on when they had some guy in like one of those directors, bullhorns and actioned, you know, you can't do it. No one can. Like those guys with like some chicks with like skirts all the way down to their fucking ankles. Maybe they had that going on. I don't know. But as far as I remember, there was the Dallas cowboy cheerleaders in the seventies. I remember too, they, they did a playboy spread. And, um,

then the Cowboys fired them. And it's like, well, maybe if you fucking paid them, they wouldn't have to go show their fucking tits and ass in this magazine. That's another thing too. I've never understood why like the cheerleaders are barely even paid. Like when I was growing up they used to get like 20 bucks a game. It was ridiculous. And then their big thing was like, but you're going to be part of the calendar. This is going to be great exposure. But after the Cowboys cheerleaders, I then remembered that there was the Lakers, Laker girls with Paula Abdul and all of them, like they were the next ones. But like, I don't remember the Celtics. The Celtics never had cheerleaders. We're sort of the exact opposite of the Lakers. We don't have a DJ playing the whole game.

You know, it's Boston, you know, it's just like both cities, Boston and LA are ridiculously racist. Um, but for some reason the racism in LA never sticks. You know, Rodney King, Watts riot, the LA riots, like none of this shit, you know, they win championships and immediately there's people tipping over police cars and lighting them on fire because they hate the cops and they have bad relationships because of all of the fucking races. For some reason none of that ever sticks. It's Tinseltown and White Teeth and titties and fucking James Bond movies and the Lakers,

you know, but like, what do we have? We have lobster and bussing in the early 70s. We couldn't shake it off. You can't shake off racism if all you're coming with is Sam Adams summer rail. So it sticks. And rightfully so. Boston is fucking ridiculously racist. But so is LA.

But anyway, just cheerleaders and stuff, it just fits LA. Like the whole color of the Lakers, you know, the sunshiny gold looking stuff and it just, I always felt like the Lakers colors were perfect for their city and the Celtics, the green, all the Irish people in Boston, it just worked. And it ended up being like and it ended up being like accidentally like this great uh... you know almost like you you would like do wardrobe for a movie

uh... how perfect it is so beyond so i have no idea i don't ever recall any sort of cheerleaders i remember that the patriots had cheerleaders in the 80s. I do remember that. But the Bruins and Celtics, yeah, no, they never did. Neither did the Red Sox. The Red Sox had a mascot that I don't even remember. I just looked this up one time in the 70s. They had a guy called the Fenway freak And he just got pelted with you know Cigarette lighters and fucking hot dogs and shit and he only lasted for like a Couple of weeks the poor bastard. I would love to find the guy that was inside that fucking foam suit

Anyway, I don't even know if they got rid of it or if the guy just stopped showing up. All right, listener who lost savings. Oh no. All right. Hey, oh, they're talking about this other guy. Hang on. Let me get a sip of water here. Let me wet my whistle. Listener who lost savings. Hey Bill, response to guy who lost all his money in the market. He should consider running for public office. Apparently you get elected, you get to take a course that gives you all the answers to the stock market and insider trading.

Shout out to my girl Martha Stewart, an OG who kept her mouth shut and didn't name names. That's why she's still alive. She started naming names. She would have air quote committed suicide in jail. It got me thinking who are famous celebrities that went to jail that shouldn't have. I always thought Wesley Snipes tax evasion jail time was bullshit. Do we really think he was doing his own books? The accountant should be held responsible jail the accountants bill.

Um, well, the, the accountant has to have power of attorney to sign the checks because the accountant can do, um, can do your taxes, but at the end, you have to sign the form unless you signed over power of attorney, which is always a stupid, that's the dumbest thing you can ever do. Nobody should be able to sign your own checks, right? Unless you like completely trust the person. But no, you are responsible for your taxes. However, like if you had some crooked accountant and they weren't telling you that you owed taxes

or they just weren't paying the taxes, then that becomes something else. But like, it all depends. Like, you know, if he wasn't paying federal, like, you know, if he wasn't paying federal, if he wasn't paying income tax, like, you know, that's a conspiracy theory that's not really legal. It's not like, I know for a while it wasn't,

it was just enforced. And I think at some point, I think they just made it a law they had to have. I have no idea. That's a very like dangerous area to go in because most people don't pay attention to it and you're going to get arrested like Snowden. Like Snowden did all of that stuff for us and we just didn't have his back. It's one of the fucking worst things ever. He's like, the government is spying on you. I'm letting you know. I'm blowing

the whistle letting you guys know what's up. And then they just sort of painted the guys this fucking weirdo and everything. And no one seems to care that he's in hiding or whatever. I don't know. I do love people that like move to states and they're like, there's no state income tax. It's no state, you know, enjoy California with their state income tax. It's like, there's no state income you know, enjoy California with their state income tax.

It's like, there's no state income tax. So like what? They just pick up the trash for free. Everybody's working for free. It's just like, it's just like buying a car and you come in. I don't give a fuck what condition your car's in. We'll give you five grand for it. And you're like, huh, my car is only with 500 bucks.

I'm getting over on these people. They just move it around. They just move it around. I guarantee you your property tax, your sales tax, the fuckity fuck, you know, boss hog. They're gonna come up with taxes. There's no state income tax, but everything else is gonna be high.

Nobody's out there working for free. You think the garbage collector just works for free? He's fucking volunteering and he's homeless. He lives in one of the trash cans during the week, but if something about him, he just loves collecting trash for free. There's no state income tax. It's like, all right, they're going to get it. You know, nothing's free. You can't live in a state for fucking free. It just, it just enough with that, enough with that bullshit. Anyway, sports, Nick, and I also love all these people that trash California for like their high taxes.

You stupid fucking liberals and blah, blah, blah, blah. It's like, you boy, Donny Trump did it. Like a fucking jilted lover. He was mad at New York and California because they didn't elect him. And he put in all of these fucking taxes to fuck over artists, to fuck over people trying to sell like a mansion out here. He had the mansion tax and all.

He fucked all of them. He did it in New York, fucked all of them. Vindictive motherfucker that that guy is. This is amazing though, just like watching like people right now just refusing to accept reality, like people on the left, I think are finally coming around to being like, Joe Biden is not fit to fucking, you know, drive a scooter, let alone run the fucking, I almost think at this point,

there's so many problems with this country, that it looks like the Democrats are trying to tank, like losing his winning at this point. Like why you would run that guy again is fucking beyond me. Um, and then people on the other side who are just blatantly ignoring what a lying grifter this guy is. It's all fake news. It's all fucking fake. I won't tell you what's fucking funny is the fact that he got convicted Now he's ordered to pay three hundred fifty four million dollars. You're gonna be lucky if that guy gives you three hundred and fifty four dollars He's just gonna tie it up tie it up tie it up tie appeal appeal appeal

You know that guy doesn't pay his bills even when he owes people money Think he's gonna pay your fine. Stupid. One of the dumbest things liberals ever did was to go after that guy. Stupid as fuck. They should have just let the guy just fade away and they didn't. Stupid move. Anyway, but those are our two picks. The two old guys from the Muppet show are having a rematch.

Oh my God. How about two people in their 40s? Why can't we just have that? Can we just go back to two sane people? Here's a sane conservative. Here's a sane liberal. They let each other talk during the debate. They're aware that there's a debate. Why can't we go to... I just don't understand how are these two people the only fucking people we have to choose from? Jesus fucking Christ.

All right, sports nicknames. Dear Billy Nine Nuts. With the passing of the great Carl Weathers. I went back and watched the Rockies he co-starred in. I fell off the couch laughing when before the first fight they rattled off his nicknames. I remember this. The dance and destroyer. The king is sting. The thane Destroyer. The King of Sting. The Thane of Pain. What is a Thane? The Prince of Punch. The Master of Disaster.

The One and Only. My favorite, though. The Count of Monofisto. What are your favorite sports nicknames? Big fan, thanks and go fuck yourself you bald, bloated museum of treachery. Um, bloated? Well, I guess, you know, I had my COVID weight on the last special, I'll take that, not anymore. Well, Billy's skinny jeans is coming out there with his pasty sticks. I'm gonna walk around and fucking uh... Lemmy shorts. Lemmy Killmeister shorts. Uh, alright. My favorite nicknames.

Alright, I'd have to go Ralph Sampson, Akeem Elijahwan. Uh, we'll start with basketball. They were called the uh, the Twin Towers. The Houston Cougars five slamma jamma Like they were fraternity because everybody on their team could Clyde Drexler and all of those guys. I want to say a Keem was on that team too. They all were just playing above the rim I Didn't like the fab five I didn't like the Fab 5 the same way I didn't like 3's company because it fucked up the original expression. It was the Fab 4, the Beatles. And now they've said the Fab 5 way

more in my life than the Fab 4, so now I forget which one is right. And 3's company, it was always 2's company, 3's a crowd crowd but it was the 70s and all you need was penicillin and it could fix anything that was wrong with your dick or your cooch so three's company was a very liberal time come on knock on my door I'll bang you in your room II thought about a beat a boot a boo-de-boo, whatever, what are the ones? Doomsday Defense, Marvelous Marvin Hagler. God damn it. Oh, John the Beast Mugabe. I like that one.

Bonecrusher Smith, Darrell, chocolate thunder, Dawkins, Dr. J. They call him the doc because the way he operates, that was back then where you had to have like the nickname and then the expression. They call me the doc, the doctor because of the way I operate. They call me the mailman because I always deliver.

Oh God, I'm going blank now. Ken Stabler, the snake. Oh, I like what's his face? The big unit. The big unit, cause you didn't know if it was cause he was six, 10 or if he had a giant dick or both. He had no idea. And the best thing about Randy Johnson now,

do you know that that guy is like as good a photographer as he is a picture? He should see some of the guy's photographs. It's unbelievable. I think he does a lot of like not only nature, but he also does like, you know, for bands, musician shows, he takes like rock photography and all of that type of stuff. I just love that because I love actually love photography but I also love like like Randy Johnson like his whole demeanor on the mound you wouldn't think that he would have this other side that he would be able to this artistic side where he would be able to like capture people in the moment through photography. Like if I had to like guess, you know, I would be like, I don't know,

this guy knows how to like fucking rebuild an engine or something, he'd just seem like, he'd go that direction rather than the other direction. All right, let's get back to Nick Names here. Tony Collins, The Blade, John Hogg Hannah, Magic Johnson, that was a great one. Purple People Leaders, The No Name Defense, The Over the Hill Gang. What do they used to call Fran Tarkenton? Didn't he have something I can't remember?

And then let's see, hockey. It was Rocket Rashard that was before my time. The Golden Jet and then his son was the Golden Brett. Golden Brett wasn't good. Golden Jet was great. Dave the Hammer Schultz just beating the fuck out of people. Fuck. I don't think there's as many good nicknames. But the one nicknames that don't count are the ones where you give them to yourself. Like Kobe came up with Mamba.

That's like, I mean, just the douche chills to come up with your own nickname like Michael Jackson. I'm the king of pop. What, because you say so? I think, you know, people should be saying that. You shouldn't be saying that about yourself. They call me the Sidewinder! Um, I'm trying to think, there was a lot of boxes that had great fucking nicknames. Oh my god, the Executioner. Um, oh fuck. This

is just, you know, this always reminds me back in the day when you would walk into a record store You'd be driving around all week think of all the fucking cassette tape CDs Records you're gonna buy and then you go into the store and you just draw a blank on who the fuck that it what I Gotta start writing these things down. You know, I got to get back to you on this one Because I know there was way more there was so many George the Iceman Gervin They call me the Iceman because I'm so cold. Do you remember in Footlock or Athlete's Foot, they had all those posters

of all those basketball players and then they had this one where they took this picture of all the great basketball players at the time and everybody had on like judges' robes and they lined them up like a giant class photo and they called it the Supreme Court and they were on a basketball court. It was the fucking shit. Ah, fuck, come on, there's got to chief. Robert Parrish, chief.

I used to call him, I thought they called him chief cause he was the leader of the team. And then I didn't realize it was, they reminded him of that character and one flew over the cuckoo's nest. Yeah, I don't know. I'd have to go far back into the roller decks. I feel like the nicknames when I was growing up were better because they were like sort of funny and silly chocolate thunder. I mean that's

ridiculous. Dale Dawkins breaking the backboards. All right, that's the podcast everybody. All right, we did it. We got through our first Sunday of no football. All right, there's only 25 more to go, or whatever, however many there are, but I am excited for MotoGP and F1 to start back up again, and then Match Madness. This is when I start watching College Hoop, and they have like the sort of the regional playoff games to see who wins the SEC title, the Big Ten title and all of that,

and they figure out the brackets and all of that. And they figure out the brackets and all that shit's fucking amazing. Although I do hate the one and done of there's too many one and done's in college basketball but that's just some old man shit. All right, that's the podcast. Thank you to everybody who came out to go see me out there in Palm Springs at the Agua Caliente.

And thank you to everybody there. I absolutely fucking loved that casino, and I will definitely be back. All right, that's the podcast. Go fuck yourselves, and I'll check in on you on Thursday. This March. Audiences are invited to step into the world. Dark. Deceit.

Full of sand. And worms. And it's three hours long. Oh god. Hey, you know what I got a better idea. Full of sand and worms and it's three hours long. Oh god. Hey, you know what? I got a better idea.

How about you just see Drugstore June instead? Bright, colorful, full of your favorite comedians and for the love of God, it's only 90 minutes. Executive produced by Bill Brer. It's Drugstore June. Go to drugstorejune.com and get your tickets now.