Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 2-19-24

Episode Date: February 19, 2024

Bill rambles about happy loud people, flat earth motivation, and cheerleaders. Indochino:  Use code BURR to get 10% off any purchase of $399 or more at www.indochino.com  Hims:  Start you free online visit today at www.Him.com/BURR 

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, February 19th, 2024. What's going on? How are ya? Oh, Jesus. I just came back from a coffee shop. I went there with my wife. Delicious coffee. Everything was going good you know i was on uh i was out in um the hell was i agua caliente casino this weekend so you know i was missing my wife i hadn't seen her in a couple days we went out we got a little bit of breakfast you know i was just right as I was about ready to tell her how much I missed her it was great to be back with her this lady comes into the coffee shop just one of those like super excited people you know what I mean they're in the in the voice they're so

excited to see their friends they're so excited about just just being alive in general that their voice gets a little shrilly and uh you know i got the tinnitus and her fucking voice was just it was going into my right ear to like the center of my fucking brain it literally sounded like you know somebody confidently playing a trumpet that is not that good at it. But they think they are. Oh, and every time I thought her excitement level had reached his dead crest, it went a little higher. It was like, oh, my God, you guys, you're here. That last part's like, oh, my God, shut up.. But you know, why should I be upset? Because she's so fucking happy.

God bless her. I just wasn't, it was too early for that level of joy. That's something, I wish there was a nice way to convey that. You know, it's like when you're at the gym. You know, and somebody's got a tank top on. And they're fucking doing shoulder presses and their fucking pits stink. Like, why is it socially unacceptable

to just, in the middle of one of their reps, to walk up with a right guard spray in each hand like a fucking 1800s outlaw and just... You know? It's cold. Maybe they dropped the weight. But it's like, dude, you fucking stink. How do you not know that you stink?

When did you fucking bathe last? Bring your fucking stinky ass down to the fucking gym and you're wearing like no clothes. It's unreal. Sometimes you just feel like it's like you're doing it on purpose that's got to be some weird some weird sort of thing like some fucking leftover caveman shit where you're gonna like leave your stench and like mark your fucking territory fucking net people are fucking now fucking take a fucking shower oh jesus i'm on one You know, now that I am a coffee drinker, I notice there's two kinds of coffee drinkers.

There's the wiry, all I do is drink coffee and there's barely any nutrition in me, sort of coffee type drinker. And then there's just the fucking tub of shit that has like whipped cream. What is it? Your birthday, right? They're coming down. They got the whipped cream on top with some sort of fucking nougat and like, I don't know what, like sugar drizzle. Now, what is it? Chocolate fucking with shavings on top of it.

And then they always have some sort of pastry. I just look at these guys. And they look. And their body types are like. They do that every day. It's like. You're still young. What are you doing?

You got man tits in your lower back. What the fuck are you doing? Look at yourself. This is the prime of your life. Prime of your life. You're never going to look better. Look what you're doing some of these guys

it's like you want to walk around and look like you can fuck right like you can push up off of it and drop in bam bam bam that's what you want

fucking sitting there drinking a goddamn frap eating a croissant What you want? Fucking sitting there. Drinking a goddamn frap. Eating a croissant. Looking like you're just going to collapse down on her. After two pumps. And then you're sad. Because no one wants to fuck you.

And you go back to the coffee shop. And you get fatter. Get yourself an espresso. And start chain smoking smoking and the weight is going to drop. Look at Keith Richards. That guy has had like fucking 2% body fat my entire life. He's never, that guy has never been, as much as people make fun of that guy, he's never been, he did this drug, he did this, he got arrested for that. Oh yeah? He's still alive. Still alive. It's the best thing

about Keith Richards. Not only is he still alive, he's in better shape than most of the people that have been predicting his death since the 70s. A lot of the people died saying that keith what if baby boomers think that shit when they're laying on their deathbed you know if you were to tell me in 1974 that keith richards was going to outlive me

i would have thought i was going to die in 1975 forget about lived in 2024 um anyway half of this shit that i'm saying is i'm just mad at myself because i i could have ate a little better when i was on the road um i have my discipline my discipline is great when i'm home but i go on the road i i got i gotta fucking i gotta rewire these habits here so i got up this morning and i went the gym. I got on the elliptical. And I hurt my fucking shin. Yeah, knock that out. You know, going to hit the gym every day this week.

And then I don't even know where I am this weekend. I'm in Portland, Oregon, home of the insufferable white liberal i think that that's what their state bird is you know it's just some hairy-legged white chick bitching about something you know she bitched so much they removed the bird from the fucking thing and they put her there and it's like well you know in england there's a slang for women called birds so it kind of makes sense. Whatever. Let's just shut her up.

Patriarchy. All right. All right. Okay. You just take that and slide it down the counter. Thank you. Then I know I'm in Vancouver. Oh, and then I think I go to Utah.

I have not been to Utah in forever. One of the most beautiful states you're ever going to go to. Great people, despite what the fucking, you know, people on the coasts, right, who think they're so fucking groovy think. They think everybody out there is a Mormon with 12 fucking wives beating them on the feet because they didn't make a homemade pie then.

That's not how it works. I don't know how it works, but they're not all like that out there. I haven't been there in a long time and it's one of my favorite places to go because it is so beautiful. However, there is something a little unsettling about it when you go in there as the airport is like surrounded 360, I believe, by mountains. So you kind of got to drop in. It's a little unsettling. But other than that, I'm very excited to go to all three of those places. And, you know, I used to know the guys up in Vancouver that uh I took a helicopter lesson one time when I was up there and I flew a cabri g2 ironically enough that's what I fly now and um you know I was not flying it well because it was like I was used to the main rotor going counterclockwise and this thing went clockwise and like they were just like just follow the nose follow the nose but i was like doing muscle memory shit and flying the thing

like a fucking salmon going up sea upstream i mean um i'd like to do that again like if i should check out the weather forecast because what sucked was the day that i flew up there um it was cloudy like usual but, but that is another gorgeous... I'm going to three gorgeous cities. Portland, Vancouver, and Salt Lake City. Those are the places you'd go back in the day, like when you get on some game show that really didn't want to get you a gift. Like the fucking Wheel of Fortune.

They are the tightest, that is like the tightest budget in all of game shows. Just from way back in the day. They just always with the shit prizes. If you're really old, you remember when you used to select what you wanted. And then they just used brass bed frames. Cuckoo clocks. Grandfather. Just shit. I just won 10 grand on a fucking game show.

And you take me to a furniture store. For 1,200 I'll take the living room set. Put the rest on a gift certificate. Tell you what, why don't you just keep the fucking money? Where's the gift certificate to? Huh? Bed, Bath & Beyond, you fucking assholes? I thought this was a game show. I thought I won. I feel like my wife won.

Anyway. Let's get to the whole weekend. This is all Billy Freckles, Billy Redface, Billy fucking Orange Tits. First fucking road gig since before Thanksgiving. So smartly, here's one for all you younger comics out there that are starting to headline and everything like that if you haven't done a bunch of gigs go to a local comedy club do two shows bomb get rid of the rust and then go out don't get back on your feet in front of people that paid good money to see you because um by the time you get up and going like half your fucking run is done and people saw you get the

job done. You don't want that. You want to fucking kill them. So I went down to the, uh, the comedy store, went up to the belly room and I did two shows back to back and eight and a 1030. And I just, uh, tried out some new shit, fucked around, did jokes. I couldn't remember how the fuck they went. It's weird. Like a couple of months off the road, you kind of start to forget your act. But it was a smart thing to do because I went on stage out there in Kaiser Sosa, Agua Caliente casino out there. And it was like I never left.

And I had such a good time. The crowds were great. Underrated, really underrated is Palm Springs. And just being out there, man. There's something really, really cool about... You're at like, I was joking all weekend. You're like at the end of civilization. Like it's this weird kind of thing where you feel safe because you're at your hotel and oh,

there's a seven 11 and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But you look out your hotel window and you just, you see civilization just end and then it becomes the desert. And it's so weird. It's like, as long as I stay where all these buildings are i am going to have no problem staying alive i venture out into that shit and the clock immediately i'm on the clock but it was incredible man just beautiful these beautiful mountains and some of them still had like snow on them and stuff all the way down to the desert sand i mean it's like uh i mean if you're gonna take fucking mushrooms like that is the place i see why people do it out in the desert i get that whole jim morrison lizard king fucking mystical

thing about it because uh like when i'm in like civilization it's very easy for me to not believe in god but when you get out there in the fucking there's something about the desert where you're like there's something beyond this i mean i don't know what it is i could definitely i definitely think that this there's something beyond this but like I know no human being knows what it is, so there's no fucking way I would ever... The same way like during COVID, it's like I'm not going to listen to you because you read something on the internet.

It's like I'm not going to... I don't do... I believe that if your car's broken, you take it to a mechanic. I'm weird like that. I don't think that you you take it to a mechanic. I'm weird like that. Like, I don't think that you should take it to a banker. What do you think the problem is?

You should get a new one. I'll write up the loan. Is there anything better? Is there anything better than having a good mechanic? A handyman? A fucking reputable carpenter? It's unbelievable i'll tell you this whatever job you're in if you're fucking great at it and you treat people right people will come to you as long as you're working because it is a rare it is a rare thing um and i gotta tell you going on the road like it is just it's a very different vibe than it was.

Even just a few years ago, I just feel like everybody because everybody can like pick their own sort of media that they're watching. They used to be sort of this collective conscious consciousness, you know, and there was always some people that were into like some underground bands and shit like that. But even they basically everybody sort of shared the same view of like, this is what's happening in the world. There was different differing opinions on what we should do about what was happening in the world. But everybody sort of agreed with what was happening in the world. Right. And now I feel like that has just been exploded into like everybody is just sort of gone down their own doom scroll. And now everybody has their own reality. So trying to get like some sort of collective vibe going on with the crowd is like a sort of a new challenge. Like when we were driving out to the desert, I saw there was a truck.

It was beautiful, like tractor trailers pulling this 18 wheeler. It was like gold and on the side written in black it said the earth is flat it's just like what the fuck and listen when i was growing up back in the day there was people that believed in conspiracy there was conspiracy theorists it wasn't as prevalent but there were but they didn't write it on the side of their car can somebody out there if somebody lists my podcast must believe that the world is flat I just for my own fucking sanity can you please explain to me what the advantages of the people in power, the deep state, man, what is the advantage that they have over me if I think the world's round when it's really flat?

Like, how does that help them have more control? Like, what do they get out of that? All right. I get, like, most conspiracy theories, I get what they're getting at. Saying, like, they're saying this is going on, but this is what's really going on. This didn't happen.

This person didn't commit suicide. They were actually killed because of blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And even if I don't agree with it, I understand the logic as to why people are paranoid or suspicious of something. And I understand that if what they're saying is true, what, like take the Epstein thing. Everybody's saying he got killed. I mean, that's an easy one. I understand why, because they don't want him saying who the fuck

went there and what the hell they did. That makes sense to me. So one side saying, oh, he killed himself. No, no, no. He fucking was murdered. I get that. But the fucking the earth, do you know what? The earth is really flat. Like, what do they get out of that? I think it's round. I believe that it's round. I believe that an astronaut's picture of it is more evidence than a guy that drives a truck. Of course you think the Earth's flat. You're on it. But if you fly, talk to any pilot. There's no pilot in the fucking world that thinks the world is flat. They know it isn't.

Especially if you have an instrument rating. Back in the day when they were using VORs, they're phasing those things out. One of the things that would fuck you out of getting the signal is if you were too far away from it. If you were too far away from it, the curvature of the earth, that signal would go fucking right off the edge and just right out not the edge meaning flat the curvature of the earth and you're on the other side of it you'd have to come around and then get to it and if you're able to fly high enough you know you're looking out in front of you. You see it drop off. I just don't.

I don't understand it. It's just like, dude, there's people that like get in boats and they go down. They think we're in a cereal bowl anyway, getting boats. We're going to go fly. They call it to like the ice wall. They think there's an ice wall and that's what holds back the ocean. How thick is this fucking wall? It's holding back the ocean. All right. And listen, I'm laughing because it doesn't make any sense to me, but let's just, I'll go with their right. But why, why wouldn't they just tell us that it's

flat? Like, I don't give a fuck if it's flat. As long us that it's flat? Like, I don't give a fuck if it's flat. As long as I don't fall off it, I don't give a shit. Oh, is it actually a big cereal bowl? Okay, cool. It doesn't increase my taxes, doesn't lessen them. I don't, I don't, all right, we get it, Bill. We get it. Anyway, so one of the things I did when I was out there, um, I went to this local place. I had literally the best pancakes I've ever had in my fucking life. And no, I'm not going to tell you the name of it. Okay?

Because I don't want a bunch of, you know, I hate when people do that and they blow up a spot. All right? You go out there. You go out there and you do the work. You talk to a local. You know, they ask for a light. You give them a light. And then out of that, they tell you where to go get pancakes.

I see these fucking assholes on Instagram. These are the five best places to get your fucking pussy waxed. All right? And then these poor broads are standing out in the fucking rain going, there was nobody here last week. What happened? Anyway, so I had the best pancakes I've ever had in my life they were gigantic but they were thin and they weren't filling and they were fucking delicious and I never do syrup for breakfast I'm

just too old for sugar and all of that shit I just don't do it and I just saw them I was just like those look un-fucking-believable. And somebody next to me said, they are. And I said, all right. So I had a couple of side eggs, right? A little bit of protein or whatever, a little bit of protein. I had a little bit of protein and, um, I ended up, uh, you know, they can't, they were fucking delicious. And when I walked out of there, you know, because I golfed last week when I was in Vegas. It was a golf shop. I'm like, let me go in there. Let me look at some clubs.

And it's one of the things I joked about on stage where I'm really proud about myself is I'm a 54 year, 55 year old white male. And I have never bought a set of golf clubs in my life. And that's pretty fucking amazing. You know what I mean? Everybody has a tattoo. Everybody fucking golfs. Everybody got Crocs. You know, I don't have tattoos. I don't know. I don't, I don't have Crocs and I never bought golf clubs, you know? I mean, I don't know if you realize what I'm getting at here. I feel like I am a capitalist. I'm a rebel in a capitalist way. Not in a true rebel way. Like that guy Russia just fucking whacked.

Right? Like, I can go with that. Guy was opposing Vladimir Putin. You know? That guy was opposing Vladimir Putin, you know, one of the top Russian ice skaters, hockey players there's ever been. And I went into this fucking golf shop and I immediately was just overwhelmed. Just the sheer amount of shit that is involved in that hobby, dude. It was just tees, markers for the ball, all these different balls, the fucking hats, the clothes, all of that.

Then you get to the back, all of these fucking bags, and all these different drivers and fucking mini hybrid clubs and fucking irons, putters, all of this. I was like, I got to get the fuck out of here. And every time I think about buying some clubs, I walk into one of those places and I'm like, what in God's name am I doing with my life right now? Why would I fucking bring this into my life?

This looks like all the fucking shoes. I don't know. I will say, though, it is a fun activity. Just going out there and knocking the ball around. And my favorite thing to do is just completely not give a shit. And count every single fucking stroke. You know? I had one hole when I was out in Vegas.

I don't know what happened. I think I just got tired because it was like I never hit a golf ball in my life. I swung and completely missed. Then I swung and I nicked it and it just sort of rolled off the tee. And then the third one I connected with and I had a nice shot, but I counted that as my third shot. Mulligan, breakfast ball, tiddlywinks. It's just like, no, these count. I'm trying to hit the ball. You fucking cheating cunts. don't fucking try to get me dirty too. I'm not running for office, right? So anyway, after breakfast, you know, I was out there with Dean Del Rey and he's really into architecture. And he's saying, you know, this time of year that they have all of these tours that you can go on,

these architecture tours. And, you know, you can go see the elvis house and go see the uh the frank sinatra house well i only had time to go to one so we went to the elvis one everybody's like oh you should have gone to the sinatra one it's like well what are you gonna do the elvis one was at 12 noon. I was going to fucking take a tour of Sinatra's house at 5, rush back, eat something, and then go do a show. I didn't want to do that. So we went there. It was called the Elvis Honeymoon House. First of all, every house in the neighborhood was gorgeous.

We show up. We paid for the tour and everything. We go in there. They're like, oh, you're in luck. This tour, the guy who bought the house is giving the tour. Dude, we get in there and um they're like oh you're in luck this tour the guy who bought the house is giving the tour and dude we get in there and this guy like he starts talking about the house and i kind of realized like halfway through it like oh this guy just flipped this house he bought it he fixed it up they used to be tennis courts he goes they're building houses on either side of

it you gradually figured out because he sold both parcels of land for them to build houses. And somebody finally asked, they said, how long did you own this house? And the guy goes, for three days. Three days, then I sold it. He goes, I spent three nights in the house. I just wanted to take a bath in each one of the tubs. And I was like, gross. And then he just kind of realized, this guy doesn't give a fuck then I kind of like asked around and I realized that Elvis never lived in

the house what it was was he was going to get married in the house and then there was some gossip lady that lived down the street got wind of it so then he kind of ran out the back door went to Vegas got married and then he came back there and for like two three days he had his honeymoon there so he didn't live there i mean he fucked in there but um he didn't he didn't live there he was only there for like three days but having said that the house was fucking gorgeous and like the guy who designed it like he was the dude who flipped it was talking about the angles he goes he would take like this angle here from this the countertop the corner of this countertop goes right out and lines up with the corner of the pool

which lines up with the wall with the end of the property it was like these sniper lines of architecture and uh i gotta tell you man man, I used to just like, you know, back east, the garrison colonials. When I came out here, obviously, I liked a lot of those Mediterranean Spanish-style houses that you see up in Santa Barbara. I kind of like those. But like the mid-century houses, like I just, I grew up looking at those back east. And to me, they were just like Brady Bunch houses. I never gave a fuck about them. And now all of a sudden, I'm like really into them.

Plus, I like them because they're like minimalist looking houses. Like you can't have a lot of shit in them, which I don't know is like really appealing it's funny and then you look at those things going oh you know i i could live out here i could live out here i'm getting fucking older i could get i could live out here in palm desert and that's our palm springs that's literally what people say in february when they go out to visit there but if you're out there in like june july august september you're like like how the fuck do people live out here like that place is not for the week i can tell you that um anyway i think that's basically all i had to talk about oh this is also weird too like i'm literally doing this podcast at like 140 in the afternoon

too like I'm literally doing this podcast at like 140 in the afternoon and um on a Sunday and this is like this is one of the saddest Sundays of the year it's the first Sunday without football and it's just like it's all done man like now what you know what? MotoGP and F1 startup, and then you got March Madness next month, you know, or you could ignore all of that and face your demons. It's not something I want to do. All right, let's do, oh, I have a show announcement, everybody. I have a show announcement. I'm going to be in Springfield, Missouri at the Great Southern Bank Arena. Springfield, the capital of Missouri. No, wait, or is it Jefferson City? I can't remember.

Pre-sale starts on Wednesday with the code BURR, B-U-R-R, and then the general on sale is on Friday. WURR. And then the general on sale is on Friday. I am having so much fucking fun just getting back out there. You know, just for the simple fact of not only do I love doing it, I actually realize now that I actually need to do stand up because if I don't, I fall off the cliff and I go into like a massive depression. So they always say, you know, comedians, you know, the service that you're providing, you bring people laughter and laughter's the best. It's like, hey, hey, hey, let's, let's not act like I'm not getting something out of this. Jesus Christ. Oh, my God.

Thank God I have kids. Kids are the fucking best. You just see them and you feel good, you know? You want to make them happy. And it takes the focus off of yourself. There's just something about the fucking age I'm at. Like, I don't know what it is. You know what I've been doing lately to just add to my fucking sadness?

I'm at, like, I don't know what it is. You know what I've been doing lately to just add to my fucking sadness is I go on the internet late at night and I start looking up all of these bands that I listened to or that I kind of knew one song from and I start to see who's still alive in the band. It's so stupid. It's so fucking morbid. Somehow I was listening to this song from 10 years, 10 years after. And I always loved the guitarist. I never knew his name, Alvin Lee. And I just started looking him up and I was like, God, man, I want to go see this guy. I bet he's still going. I mean, playing like that, you can't stop playing if you play that good. It's just literally in you, right? So I'm like, I want to go see this guy. And I looked up and I found out he passed away. And then it just, oh, dude.

The next thing you know, I'm looking up fucking, oh, that's not how it happened. I was looking up old drum kits. I was looking up old drum kits, and I came across this YouTube video about Slingerland Drums in 1973 and the drum kit that almost tanked the company. And then it just got me into drum kits from that era, and there was just some of the craziest fucking kits. I saw this one kit. It was a Slingerland kit, and they had these toms they were called like they were like half toms that had like a slit in the back um like curvature like a fucking chick's ass almost like a heart shape type of thing they were the weirdest things ever and they were advertising these things and it would literally be like eight eight toms rack toms and then one floor tom, eight up, one down,

and then one bass drum. It was the dumbest looking fucking thing ever. But like there was all of these guys back then. It was funny. They would be playing these monster kits behind these like singer songwriters. Like who's that guy that plays with Elton John that is just fucking incredible. and he always has the Ferrari red drums, just a badass drummer, he had these massive kits, or that guy that played with the Sweet Caroline, Neil Diamond guy, another guy, just massive amount of fucking toms, double bass, and all of this shit, and they were up there, like, just really just playing for the song. They must have done some sort of epic

drum solo. Like, what was that one from, like, Iron Butterfly? Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-d the guy's drum set is. It's like... It's like the same fucking sticking as he just blows down. Like fucking 52 black dot fucking rack toms. And I was just looking at him going, these are the fucking weirdest, coolest looking things ever.

There's one for sale on eBay right now. If you just want a killer fucking kit, it's a stainless steel 1973 double base kit, two 24s. And then it was four up, two down. And it was like literally like a 12, 13, 14, 15, 16 floor, 20 floor. Like this giant fucking floor tom of doom. And then right off to the right above those floor toms were two stainless steel bongos. Like, but like power tom looking things. It's one of the coolest fucking kits

I've ever seen. And I would be like, you, you would need like a McMansion to like set this fucking thing up, but all the fun that you would have. So it started off with that. And then I, I started looking up like who the people were that played these drum kits. And, um, I got into like the advertising i was like oh my god look at this guy's drum kit you know hal blaine had a giant fucking kit he was a studio guy out here that played on everything and i i that started me looking up bands oh look at this drum let me see what and finding that they were dead and then i just fucking oh man i just i went down into the soup oh billy fucking soup soupy sails there and i was just like i have to stop doing this

i i need to get back to i got to get back to the light here like one of the guys the guy that he played on Neil Diamond's, I got it. St. Gene or Dean or something. I got to get this guy's fucking name. If I'm going to tell this fucking story here, Neil Diamond, drummer,

Greek. It's a Greek theater. Oh, of course I can't open it up because i have an airplane mode i forgot the guy's fucking name my apologies but he played on everything remember that love is kind of crazy with a spooky little girl like you that fucking song and all the hippie chicks like dancing with their hands. Their fucking low-cut jeans. Before the National Guard comes in and fucking shoots them.

It was a volatile time. All right, two reads. One dynamic read. All right, I got it. All right, look who it is, everybody. Oh, Jesus. It's Indochino. I swear to God, I saw an Indochino suit when I was at the casino,

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and important safety information. Subscription required. Price varies based on product and subscription plan. All right. let's fucking go places okay it's time for the reeds why does it keep resetting here trying to do the reeds man all right we got past toyota now we're into the reeds all right super bowl girlfriend argument. Oh, Jesus. Isn't that just like them, you know, to just get an argument while you're trying to watch the fucking Super Bowl?

I'm just judging this before I even read it. You know, it's like, God forbid my attention is on something else. You know, I'm not going to leave you for the Super Bowl. It's just a game I'm watching. Stop acting like I'm checking out another woman, okay? All right. Hey, Bill, I'm ready to ask advice on how to watch sports with my girlfriend. I already have some thoughts on this. This is all your fault at this point, all right? But it isn't because you're only 28, all right? 28, you're getting a little long in your years to be putting up with this kind of behavior with somebody that you're with. All right? I like to watch sports.

You like to watch Real Housewives. Do I give you grief when you're watching that shit? Let me watch what I want to watch. Stop nagging me. You think I'm a nag? Yes. I'm 28 years old, and by some miracle, a woman has decided to love me continuously for the past 10 months. All right, so you have low self-esteem, self-deprecating.

This is why you're getting into these. You've got to have some backbone. You've got to give yourself some value. All right, I'm over the moon and ecstatic about my relationship with her. However, last night during the Super Bowl, during Super Bowl 58, we had a couple of arguments during a watch party. As a Falcons fan, I normally watch football by myself. There's no point in depressing the people around me

while watching my team. This guy's funny. I like this guy. However, I decided to go to a Super Bowl watch party for the first time ever, and I took my girlfriend with me. During the entire second half, I I took my girlfriend with me. During the entire second half, I didn't even look at her.

I was fully focused on the game. Yeah, it was an exciting game. At the end of the game, we were all saying our goodbyes, and I found my girlfriend sitting on a chair alone in the corner of the room. Bill, I've never seen her more mad. She didn't yell at me in front of my buddies, but we had a private talk about how I can't ignore her during games. I wasn't actively trying to ignore her. This is just how I watch football. How can I express this in a relatable way to her? Thanks and go chug a beer. P.S. I wrote a few months ago asking how

to handle being laid off and your advice helped a lot. I've got a new job and I'm happier than ever. Thanks for all you do. All right, well, here's the thing. Your girlfriend, I mean, I wasn't there. I don't know if you waved her away. If you did something like that, I understand that. But if you're just watching the game and it's an intense game and she's over there pouting, here's the first thing. The first thing,

do not lose your cool when you discuss this. I would just be like, I would just, you know, wait another week because you obviously, you know, she yelled at you and all that. Just say, hey, can I talk to you

about something? Yeah, yeah, whatever, you know. And then just fucking be like, listen, you know, you got really mad at me at the Super Bowl party because I didn't pay attention to you during the second half. And it was like, listen, you know, you got really mad at me at the Super Bowl party because I didn't pay attention to you during the second half. And it was like, you know, sports are a big thing for me. I really enjoy watching sports. It doesn't mean that I don't care about you. That was the

championship game. It was unbelievably close and it was a classic football game. And all I did was, close and it was a classic football game and all I did was you know enjoy it and then I got I got yelled at for enjoying something that I enjoy in my life which is something I would never do to you if there was something that you were enjoying like I would get an enjoyment out of watching you be happy I wouldn't be upset that you were enjoying something rather than paying attention to me. Like, I just, you know, just say that it hurt my feelings that you were mad because I was enjoying myself. Now, that last bit was a little rocky. I probably could have worded that better. But, you know, and then she'll say what she have to say and then just say, listen, I understand that. But like, I don't want to feel like I can't watch sports around you. You know what I mean? Like, I enjoy watching them. I love you. I love being with you and all of that. But like, like you, I also have interests

outside of this relationship. And I would like to be able to do them without getting yelled at. interests outside of this relationship, and I would like to be able to do them without getting yelled at. And if you want to go further like me, and you're sitting in the corner pouting like a fucking baby, if you think everybody in the party didn't notice that, that's fucking embarrassing. All right? Grow the fuck up. Don't say any of that last part. But that's basically it. Yeah, like, I like football. And I watch it and I really get into it. Because it makes me happy. All right?

And if it makes you happy, just start singing Sheryl Crow. She'll understand. Yeah. It's a fucking Super Bowl. I got to admit, you know, like I said, if you didn't say anything rude or you didn't wave her off and embarrass her in front of your friends,

like, she's really acting like a fucking baby. And there's a tremendous, like, level of insecurity there. What shiny thing do I need to buy you on what made-up holiday that will make you feel loved enough that I can watch 30 minutes of fucking football that determines the championship without you having a fucking meltdown. Don't say that either. Anyway, all right. All right. Red Aurebeck, A. Billy Greenteeth. I've heard a story

that Red didn't like cheerleaders at the game and thought it was a distraction and had nothing to do with the game he loved. Yeah, 100 percent. Why would you parade like a bunch of underpaid hot chicks past a bunch of guys with zillions of dollars? Obviously, that's going to steal their focus. Anyway, and that they didn't they didn't not have cheerleaders till he left or died. What? Fucking young people with your double negatives. And they didn't not have? If they did not have, they had him before he died.

Is this true? I googled it and found conflicting stories. this true? I googled it and found conflicting stories. Cheerleaders, as far as I know, were not part of the pro game. I want to say until like the Lakers. There was like the Lakers had them

and I think they might have got them after the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders. Like as far as at the pro level, like cheerleaders were a very like unprofessional thing of sports. That was like college level. And I want to say the, I would Google the history of cheerleading in professional sports. There was probably a time in the 20s early on when they had some guy in one of those directors bullhorns and actioned you know

and you can't do it no one can like those guys with like some chicks with like skirts all the way down to their fucking ankles maybe they had that going on i don't know but as far as i remember there was the dallas cowboy cheerleaders in the 70s i I remember, too, they did a Playboy spread. And then the Cowboys fired them. And it's like, well, maybe if you fucking paid them, they wouldn't have to go show their fucking tits and ass in this magazine. That's another thing, too. I've never understood why, like,

the cheerleaders are barely even paid. Like, when I was growing up, they used to get like 20 bucks a game. It was ridiculous. And then their big thing was like, but you're going to be part of the calendar. This is going to be great exposure. But after the Cowboys cheerleaders,

I then remembered that there was the Lakers, Laker girls, with Paula Abdul and all of them. Like, they were the next ones. But, like, I don't remember the Celtics. The Celtics never had cheerleaders. We're sort of the exact opposite of the Lakers. We don't have a DJ playing the whole game.

You know, it's Boston, you know. It's just, like, both cities, Boston and L.A. are ridiculously racist. But for some reason, the racism in L.A. never sticks. You know, Rodney King, Watts riot, the L.A. riots, like none of this shit. You know, they win championships and immediately there's people tipping over police cars and lighting them on fire because they hate the cops. They have bad relationships because of all of the fucking racism for some reason none of that ever sticks it's tinsel town and white teeth and titties and fucking james bond movies and the lakers you know but like what do we have we have lobster and busing in the early 70s

it just we couldn't shake it off. You can't shake off racism if all you're coming with is Sam Adams' Summer Ale. So it sticks. And rightfully so. Boston is fucking ridiculously racist. But so is L.A. But anyway, just cheerleaders and stuff,

it just fits L.A. The whole color of the Lakers, the sunshiny gold looking stuff. And it just I always felt like the Lakers colors were perfect for their city and the Celtics, you know, almost like you would like do wardrobe for a movie. How perfect it is. Anyway, so be honest with you, I have no idea. I don't ever recall any sort of cheerleaders. I remember the Patriots had cheerleaders in the 80s.

I do remember that. But the Bruins and Celtics, yeah, no, they never did. Neither did the Red Sox. The Red Sox had a mascot that I don't even remember. I just looked this up one time. In the 70s, they had a guy called uh the fenway freak and he just got pelted with you know cigarette lighters and fucking hot dogs and shit and he only lasted for like uh a couple of weeks the poor bastard i would love to find the guy that was inside that fucking

foam suit um anyway i don't even know if they got rid of it or if the guy just stopped showing up. All right, listener who lost savings. Oh, no. All right. Oh, they're talking about this other guy. Hang on. Let me get a sip of water here.

Let me wet my whistle. Listener who lost savings. Hey, Bill, response to guy who lost all his money in the market. He should consider running for public office. Apparently, you get elected, you get to take a course that gives you all the answers to the stock market

and insider trading. Shout out to my girl, Martha Stewart, an OG who kept her mouth shut and didn't name names. That's why she's still alive. If she started naming names, she would have, air quote, committed suicide in jail. It got me thinking, who are famous celebrities that went to jail that shouldn't have? I always thought Wesley Snipes' tax evasion jail time was bullshit. Do we really think he was doing his own books?

The accountant should be held responsible. Jail the accountants, Bill. Well, the accountant has to have power of attorney to sign the checks because the accountant can do your taxes, but at the end, you have to sign the form unless you signed over power of attorney, which is always a stupid, that's the dumbest thing you can ever do. Nobody should be able to sign your own checks, right? Unless you like completely trust the person. But no, you are responsible for your taxes however like if you're if you had some crooked accountant and they weren't telling you that you owed taxes or they just weren't paying the taxes then then that becomes something else but like it all depends like uh

you know if he wasn't paying federal if he wasn't paying federal, if he wasn't paying income tax, like, you know, that's a conspiracy theory that's not really legal. It's not like, I know for a while it wasn't. It was just enforced. And I think at some point, I think they just made it a law. They had to have. I have no idea. to have i have no idea that's a very like dangerous area to go in because most people don't pay attention to it and you're going to get arrested like snowden like snowden did all of that stuff for us and we just didn't have his back it's one of the fucking worst things ever he's like the

government is spying on you i'm letting you know i'm blowing the whistle letting you guys know what's up and then they just sort of painted the guys this fucking weirdo and everything and no one seems to care that he's in hiding or whatever um i don't know i do love people that like move to states and they're like there's no state income tax it's no state you know enjoy california with their state income tax it's like there's no state, you know, enjoy California with their state income tax. It's like, there's no state income tax. So like what? They just pick up the trash for free. Everybody's working for free. It's just like, it's just like buying a car and you come in. I don't give a fuck what condition your car's in. We'll give you five grand for it. And you're like, my car is only worth 500 bucks. I'm getting over on these people. They just move it around. They just move it around. I guarantee you, your property tax,

your sales tax, the fuckity fuck, you know, boss hog, they're going to come up with taxes. There's no state income tax, but everything else is going to be high. Nobody's out there working for free. You think the garbage collector just works for free? He's fucking volunteering and he's homeless. He lives in one of the trash cans during the week, but there's something about him. He just loves collecting trash for free. There's no state income tax.

It's like, all right. They're going to get it. You know, nothing's free. You can't live in a state for fucking free. It just, it just, enough with that. Enough with that bullshit.

Anyway, sports, Nick, and I also love all these people that trash California for like their high taxes. You stupid fucking liberals and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. It's like your boy Donnie Trump did it. Like a fucking jilted lover. He was mad at New York and California because they didn't elect him. And he put in all of these fucking taxes to fuck over artists, to fuck over people trying to sell like a mansion out here. He had the mansion tax and all. He fucked all of them.

He did it in New York. Fucked all of them. Vindictive motherfucker that that guy is. It's amazing, though, just like watching like people right now just refusing to accept reality. Like people on the left, I think, are finally coming around to being like Joe Biden is not fit to fucking, you know, drive a scooter, let alone run the fucking. I almost think at this point there's so many problems with this country that it looks like the Democrats are trying to tank the like like losing is winning at this point like why you would run that guy again is fucking beyond me um and then people on the other side who are just blatantly ignoring what a lying grifter this guy is you know it's all fake news it's all fucking fake I will tell you what's fucking funny is the fact that

he got convicted now he's ordered to pay 354 million dollars you're gonna be lucky if that guy gives you 354 dollars he's just gonna tie it up tie it up tie it up tie appeal appeal appeal you know that guy doesn't pay his bills even when he owes people money. You think he's going to pay your fine? Stupid. One of the dumbest things liberals ever did was to go after that guy. Stupid as fuck. They should have just let the guy just fade away. And they didn't.

Stupid move. Anyway, but those are our two picks. The two old guys from the Muppet Show are having a rematch. Oh, my God. How about two people in their 40s? Why can't we just have that? Can we just go back to two sane people? Here's a sane conservative.

Here's a sane liberal. They let each other talk during the debate they're aware that there's a debate why can't we go to i just don't understand how are these two people the only fucking people we have to choose from jesus fucking christ All right, sports nicknames. Dear Billy Nine Nuts, with the passing of the great Carl Weathers, I went back and watched the Rockies he co-starred in. I fell off the couch laughing when before the first fight they rattled off his nicknames. Oh, I remember this. The Dancing Destroyer, the King of Sting. The Thane of Pain.

What is a thane? The Prince of Punch. The Master of Disaster. The One and Only. My favorite, though. The Count of Monofisto. What are your favorite sports nicknames? Big fan. Thanks. And go fuck yourself, you bald, bloated museum of treachery. Bloated? Well, I guess, you know, I had my COVID weight on the last special. I'll take that. Not anymore. Old Billy Skinny Jeans is coming out there with his pasty sticks. I'm going to walk around in fucking Lemmy shorts. Lemmy Kilmeister shorts. All right. My favorite nicknames. All right.

I'd have to go Ralph Sampson, Akeem Olajuwon. We'll start with basketball. They were called the Twin Towers. The Houston Cougars 5 Slamma Jamma. Like they were a fraternity because everybody on their team could Clyde Drexler and all of

those guys. I want to say Akeem was on that team too. They all were just playing above the rim. I didn't like the Fab 5 the same way I didn't like Three's Company because it fucked up the original expression. It was the Fab Four, the Beatles. And now they've said the Fab Five way more in my life than the Fab Four,

so now I forget which one is right. And Three's Company, it was always Two's Company, Three's a crowd. But it was the 70s. And all you needed was penicillin and it could fix anything that was wrong with your dick or your cooch. So three's company was a very liberal time. Come a knock on my door, I'll bang you in your roomie. Da-da-ba-ba-da-bee-da-boo-da-boo. What other ones?

Doomsday Defense. Marvelous. Marvin Hagler. God damn it. Oh. John the Beast Mugabe. I like that one. Bone Crusher Smith.

Daryl Chocolate Thunder Dawkins. Dr. J. They call him the Doc because of the way he operates. That was back then where you had to have the nickname and then the expression. They call me the Doc, the Doctor, because of the way I operate. They call me the Mailman because I always deliver. Oh, God, I'm going blank now Ken Stabler the snake um oh I like what's his face the big unit the big unit because you didn't know if it was because he was 6'10 or if he had a giant dick or both. He had no idea. And the best thing about Randy Johnson now,

do you know that that guy is like as good a photographer as he is a pitcher? He should see some of the guy's photographs. It's unbelievable. I think he does a lot of like, not nature, but he also does like, you know for for bands musician shows he takes like rock photography and all of that type of stuff um i just love that because i love actually love photography but i also love like like randy johnson like his whole demeanor on the mound you wouldn't think that he would have this other side that he would be able to this artistic side where he would be able to like capture people side where he would be able to, like, capture people in the moment through photography. Like, if I had to, like, guess, you know, I would be like, I don't know, this guy knows how to, like, fucking rebuild an engine or something.

He just seemed like he'd go that direction rather than the other direction. All right, let's get back to nicknames here. Tony Collins, The Blade. John Hogg Hanna, Magic Johnson. That was a great one. Purple People Leaders, The No Name Defense, The Over the Hill Gang. What did they used to call Fran Tarkenton? Didn't he have something? I can't remember.

And then let's see, hockey. It was Rocket Richard. That was before my time. The Golden Jet. And then his son was the Golden Brett. Golden Brett wasn't good. Golden Jet was great. Dave the Hammer Schultz.

Just beating the fuck out of people. Fuck. I don't think there's as many good nicknames. But nicknames that don't count are the ones where you give them to yourself. Like Kobe came up with mamba that's like i mean just the douche chills to come up with your own nickname like michael jackson i'm the king of pop what could you say so i think you know people should be saying that you shouldn't be saying that about yourself they call me the Sidewinder. I'm trying to think.

There was a lot of boxes that had great fucking nicknames. Oh my God, the Executioner. Oh, fuck. This is, you know, this always reminds me back in the day when you would walk into a record store.

You'd be driving around all week, thinking of all the fucking cassette tapes, CDs, records you were gonna buy and then you'd go into the store

and you'd just draw a blank going, who the fuck did it? What? I gotta start writing these things down. You know, I gotta get back

to you on this one. Because I know there was way more. There was so many. George the Iceman Gervin. He called me the Iceman because I'm so many. George the Iceman Girvin. They call me the Iceman because I'm so cold. Do you remember in Foot Locker

or Athlete's Foot, they had all those posters of all those basketball players, and then they had this one where they took this picture of all the great basketball players of the time, and everybody had on, like, judges' robes. And they lined them up like a giant class photo, and they called it

the supreme court and they were on a basketball court it was the fucking shit um ah fuck come on this guy chief robert parish chief i used to call him i thought they called him chief because he was the leader of the team, and then I didn't realize they reminded him of that character in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. Yeah, I don't know. I'd have to go far back into the Rolodex. I feel like the nicknames when I was growing up were better because they were like sort of funny

and silly. Chocolate Thunder. I mean, that's ridiculous. Daryl Dawkins breaking the backboards. All right, that's the podcast, everybody. All right, we did it. We got through our first Sunday of no football.

All right, there's only 25 more to go or however many there are. But I am excited for MotoGP and F1 to start back up again. And then March Madness. This is when I start watching college hoop. And they have like the sort of the regional playoff games to see who wins the SEC title or the Big Ten title and all of that. Then they figure out the brackets and all of that shit. It's fucking amazing.

Although I do hate the one and done. There's too many one and dones in college basketball, but that's just some old man shit. All right, that's the podcast. Thank you to everybody who came out to go see me out there in Palm Springs at the Agua Caliente. And thank you to everybody there. I absolutely fucking love that casino and I will definitely be back. All right, that's the podcast.

Go fuck yourselves and I'll check in on you on Thursday.