Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 2-2-15

Episode Date: February 2, 2015

Bill rambles about missing the Super Bowl, the Australian Open and John Denver's eyes.

Hey what's going on, it's Bill Burr and it's the Monday Morning Podcast from Monday, February 2nd, 2015, how you doing, how to fuck? I know what you guys are all expecting. You guys are all expecting me to get on this fucking podcast and to start going absolutely fucking crazy because the New England Patriots won another fucking Super Bowl and beat the loudmouth green cunts from Seattle. You know what, there is nothing that I would love to do more than that. I would love to sit here and tell you that I enjoyed every fucking second of that goddamn game, but unfortunately, Old Freckles missed the game. Every fucking second of that game I missed and I know what you guys are thinking. Well Jesus, Bill, when you kidnapped,

did somebody chloroform rag you? What the fuck happened? What happened was I booked this fucking tour in Australia, New Zealand, Singapore. I hope this is recorded, it's not going to be too loud. I'm doing it on my fucking iPhone because I'm in fucking New Zealand and I can't get any outlets to work and my batteries don't fucking work. I'm just having a technological nightmare. Anyways, I booked this fucking tour back in November. How the hell did I know the Patriots were going to be in the goddamn Super Bowl? I didn't know. I'm one of the few fucking football fans that actually admits that he had no fucking idea what his team was going to do this year. I had no idea. I can't fucking believe you won. I just landed. I was literally in the air the exact

moment the fucking game started and when I landed it was fucking over. I missed absolutely everything. I'm obviously unbelievably psyched that we won for a number of fucking reasons. Aside from the obvious, you know, more so than fucking excited that we won. I'm just so happy that I didn't get half to watch Richard Sherman run into fucking Brady's face and disrespect the guy again. That whole fucking you mad bro thing. I just, I don't know. You know, you're running up to a champion. The guy's got three rings. You won a regular season game and you treat him like he's a fucking rookie. I mean, I don't know. I've never liked people that do that type of shit. I'm sure he's a hell of a guy to sit down and have a fucking cappuccino with, but I just, you know,

all that mugging to the camera and shit. I've already seen the highlights where he did the 24 thing and all that. And I'm sure that's another thing that would have kind of ruined the Super Bowl for me was every five seconds they got a cut over to him or his reaction. I hate when they do that to Tom Brady. Like if the other team scores and you got to see Tom Brady sitting there with that, I'm mad. Look on his face. It's like, I, this, there's too much fucking coverage at this point. Having said all of that, um, I'm so, it's, this is, this is the weird kind of like fucking excitement. Like the level of excitement I have right now is, I guess I know what it feels like before the days of TV and radio, you know, where you just live in the middle of nowhere and someone

walks up to you and like, Ethel, did you hear? We won the war. Really? That's what I feel like right now. I got on a fucking plane and, um, yeah, I missed the whole thing. And I was praying to God that they were going to have live TV because they had sports bars down here that had the fucking game on and everything. And, um, you know, I know what a lot of you guys are going to see, well, why didn't you change your fucking flight? Um, because I am on the other side of the fucking world and I can't miss shows because of a fucking football game, be it the Super Bowl or not be the Super Bowl. Okay. With Tom Brady fucking cancel a flight to watch one of my specials. I don't think he would, you know, I don't want to get all Bronx tail on you right now, but I, you know, I got a

fucking life. I got a lead here. So, um, oh my God, I can't believe I missed the fucking game, but a part of me, when I saw the ending and there was another fucking ridiculous catching the ball against your helmet and your ball bag catch, and it looked like we were going to lose again, I literally would have died a thousand deaths. I can tell you right now, I would have missed that interception because after that fucking catch, I would have been walking outside doing laps around my house like you got to be fucking kidding me. Um, but anyways, uh, I'm psyched that we won, obviously. And, um, you know, my condolences to Seattle Seahawk fans, the real ones, the ones from back in the Kingdom era, the ones that are still going to be in your fucking stadium after Pete Carroll's

gone and everybody's fucking gone and you guys, you know, stink again the same way the Patriots will stink again when Belichick and Brady leave those, the real fucking fans, I feel bad for you. All you fucking loudmouth shit talking fucking cunts who wear those line green wigs, you are the guys that I'm happy that you fucking suffered that loss. Go fuck yourselves with your stupid 12th man fucking shirts. Do you know I heard Seattle actually has to pay the college Texas A&M for that 12th man thing that they didn't come up with that, you know, so they got to pay them and not to mention the Buffalo Bills had a 12th man thing, you know, back in the early fucking 90s. I don't know. I'm just so fucking happy that we won and that, you know, who knows, I'm sure they'll

fucking, they'll measure the thread count in the fucking towels that we were using to dry the balls off with. I'm sure Jim Ursay is somewhere trying to figure out a fucking way to try to taint this fucking victory. I swear to Christ, did you guys see that thing where the Atlanta Falcons maybe got busted for pumping extra crowd noise in? Did you happen to catch that story? I swear to God, if the Patriots did something like that, we would literally be sitting down in front of the fucking Senate. You know, that was another thing. Another reason why I was so fucking happy that we won because I'm so fucking sick of winning games and these fucking cunts bitching about absolute horseshit at the end of the fucking game. I mean, the flay gate, the flay gate,

all of that fucking shit and nobody brings up how many people on the fucking Seattle Seahawks team have tested positive for steroids over the last four fucking years. Nobody brings up that Pete Carroll had a championship taken away from him for fucking cheating. And I gotta tell you something, I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck that Seattle used steroids. I'm sure we're fucking using them too. And whatever fucking Pete Carroll did at the college level, I know there's a bunch of other coaches doing the same fucking thing. So I don't know why people get cunty with us, but who gives a fuck? We won the goddamn thing. And I am literally sitting out here in the fucking abyss. That's like I'm ridiculously excited. Like this must be like what it's like

to find out the Patriots want if you're sitting in fucking Walpole prison in like solitary confinement. I can't fucking believe I missed it. Jesus fucking Christ. I'm sitting there watching documentaries about cricket. My fucking headphones won't work down here. Nothing's fucking working. So anyways, if you called, if you fucking are listening this week to hear my blow by blow horseshit, you're not going to get it this week. So I suggest you listen to another podcast. But if you want to know what my fucking Australian tour is like in the New Zealand, that's basically I guess what I'm going to be talking. I can't fucking believe what are the fucking odds? What are the fucking odds that literally from the time my flight started to when

it ended, that was the exact time that the game was on. I don't know anything about the game. I really don't. I just know in the end is that Seattle was up by 10 points. And for some reason, they're going to say that they lost the game by not running Marshawn Lynch in. But I would just say that if you were up 10 points with a quarter to go, there's more than one reason why you lost that fucking game. And you know, I don't think it's the worst call in Super Bowl history. I think it's going to be called that because it didn't work. You know what I mean? And if it fucking works, then he's a genius. I mean, talk about guts. Everybody in the building is keying on Marshawn Lynch and he dumped, you know, that that was going to be the fucking thing. I'm just so happy

that the Patriots didn't lose another Super Bowl on some fucking circus catch. I swear to God, after the helmet catch, well, I guess, you know, I didn't actually mind the fucking helmet catch as much as I meant. I was annoyed that a Sunday Samuel dropped an interception other than that. The 2007 Super Bowl wasn't that bad because I felt that the Giants were a better team. The second giant loss. That one was brutal because we fucking blew that game. We fucking blew that game. We had the right call and it was Brady de Welker, eight yard pass wide open and it bounces off his back fucking shoulder. That would have iced the game. That was a fucking brutal one. But that first one, we definitely lost. So anyways, there you go. Another championship for Boston. How do

you like that? New York City, huh? Nine championships in like 12 seasons. What do you got? 58 fucking teams and you can't even do that? Yeah, it's a fucking unreal. Jesus Christ. Why am I shitting on fucking New York? You know, I'm shitting on New York because my fucking team won the Super Bowl and I didn't even get to fucking see it. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. So I guess I taped the game. So I'm going to have to watch it after I do gigs in New Zealand and then Singapore, Hong Kong, Mumbai, India, and then I go to New York for the Patrice O'Neill benefit. Speaking of which, last night, but let me just finish here. Seriously dude, my condolences to Seattle Seahawk fans. I know I'm breaking your balls a little bit. There's nothing fucking worse than losing a

goddamn Super Bowl and to lose it like that in the fucking end. I know it fucking blows. But you know, he just got fucking, well that extra fucking horseshit hype about you guys being loud. You know, it got a little annoying. So maybe I am being a little bit of a cunt. What are you going to do? Anyways, plowing ahead here. Speaking of the Patrice O'Neill comedy benefit that we're doing for the third time, which I want to thank everybody over the last three years who've bought tickets because you've really, you've changed people's lives that Patrice loved. I'm not going to get into the details of it, but this charity is on the up and up. Just know that. We're not doing a show with a pink microphone. This is so fucked up. People tweeted me so much shit

about awful commercials during the Super Bowl and I just had no idea. I might as well have been orbiting the earth in the fucking space shuttle. That's like how much, how little I know about whatever the fuck happened. I do know that it looked like a hell of a game and my heart said we were going to win. I had a feeling we were going to win, but my brain said that on paper we were going to lose. And to be honest with you, before the game started, when I was thinking about it, I had no feeling one way or the other. I didn't have a bad feeling like we were going to win. I didn't have a good feeling. If we won by 40 or lost by 40, I don't think either would have surprised me. I just had no fucking idea on this one. So anyways, I feel like I'll let you guys

down because I was, you know, doing this fucking goddamn tour and you wanted to hear me gloat and shit. But you know, I'm not a guy, I'm not a guy who fucking gloats anyways. Come on. I break balls, but I don't fucking do that. I'm not gonna fucking sit here and go act like I played the goddamn game. But anyways, as much as I don't like the way Richard Sherman acts when he fucking wins, that guy is one of the best corners in the fucking league he is. And I wish he was on my team, although I wouldn't like to watch that fucking dumb shit that he does. So anyways, like I said, speaking of the Patrice O'Neill benefit. Last night, I was playing the Sydney Opera House, which was a ridiculous honor, playing two shows there. And at the end of the show,

somebody in the front row handed me a shirt that they made that had Patrice. I'll take a picture of it. It's fucking unreal. It has Patrice on the front and then on the back is Patrice talking to me. And it's got Colin Quinn, Keith Robinson, Jim Norton, Robert Kelly's in it. It's the fucking shirt is unbelievable. And the person in the front row just handed it to me as I was getting off this, you know, as I was getting off really quick. So I just grabbed it and I just, you know, I handed them my set list from the show, which I hope didn't come off as a douchey move. I'm just kind of getting off stage there. And I didn't have a chance to look at it until I got backstage. Whoever you are that made that shirt, please try and reach out to me on Twitter or whatever,

because, you know, I wish I could have thanked you personally for it, because it's a fucking unbelievable piece of work. I don't know how the hell you did it. And I wish you made more of them. Because I know all my friends would love one. It was just amazing. But anyways, I'm about a week into this tour of Australia. And it has been, you know, I'm just thinking right now, I'm thinking of all the Patrice fans that are just fucking shutting it off right now, going, what the fuck, dude, I thought he was going to go off. Sorry, I didn't see the game. Oh, goodness. Anyways, let me get back into the, you know what I did do this week? I saw some tennis. Does that help you out at all? There's sports fans. I went to the Australian Open.

I saw some tennis. I saw Maria Sharapova in the semis. And I saw Serena Williams both win in the semis to play each other in the finals. And if you've never been to a tennis match, this is so fucking funny to be doing this the day after a Super Bowl. I might as well be baking a pie right now. If you've never been to a fucking tennis match, you know, just the level of wealth that is there, like, you know, you know, first of all, the tickets weren't that hard to get. Like, you know, I just scalped a pair of them, you know, I'm not going to lie, you know, they were like 300 bucks a whack, but I'm like, fuck it, man. You know, it's, it's, it's one of the majors. I'll fucking, you know, bring it up on the card. I'll deal with it later, right? Fuck it. And when

you go there, like the level of fucking wealth that's sitting around there, and they smell it on you, when you show up, the second they see the fact that you're not wearing lopas with no socks on, they just look at you like you're a fucking animal, you know, you watch them getting all boozed up and shit. And I always get excited when I sit around those people just, I just want to ask them, you know, shit, like, you know, when's the dollar going to collapse? Like, what's the inside information that you fucking know? You know, those people, they like, they sit there, right? They have tickets for the whole day, we just had for the afternoon, right? And they're sitting there and they got, they wear like the sweaters, you know, where you're not wearing it,

you just have it draped over your shoulder, you don't, you don't have a tighter on your neck, you just have it draped over. I think that's the new way to do it. And they're not doing it like ironically, like they, they have a sweater for when it gets cold later when they're watching the tennis. But anyways, we sat close enough and got, got to watch Serena right before she won the, the 19th, her 19th championship. So I got to do that. I went to Bond Scott's grave when I was out in, when I was out in Perth. And it was really cool. They had a little bench there because I guess Bond's mother for, as far as I know, is still alive. She's well into her 90s and up until recently would go down and visit the grave every, almost every day, which of course is really sad.

But they, so they made, they raised some money and they made like a little bench for her and everything. And you know, it's, it's, if you ever get a chance to go to Australia, man, Perth, first of all, Perth is the shit. I talked to some woman when I was here in the States and she tried to tell me, you know, she was from Australia and she was shitting all over it, saying it like it was, you know, that it was fucking horrific or whatever. It's, it's quite the opposite, man. Very impressive city. Seems like the kind of place where you'd vacation or something, man. Beautiful beaches. That was another thing cool tools. We went down to the beach one day and quit laughing. Fuck you. I know I'm pasty, but I had to do it, you know, and just to see the Indian Ocean, you know,

never seen that. And my wife, of course, went in the ocean because she fucking loves the ocean. And I sort of frolicked along the fucking, along the fucking beach. I just do not go, I went into the water just to say I've been in the fucking Indian Ocean, but I do not fuck with, I just don't fuck with the ocean on any level. And, but if I was going to fuck with it, I would go all in, like I would get certified to scuba dive. And the next time I come here, I would go to the Great Barrier Reef and I would do that before I would fucking just start, I don't know, swimming along the fucking coast, you know, like, I guess that the sharks come out in the morning. They're basically out when the seals are out. So you don't want to be out when the seals are out. I guess it's early

morning and dusk or something. And they would tell me some fucking story where there was a helicopter following an 18 foot tiger shark just keeping an eye on it to make sure it didn't go into the beach area. I mean, give me a fucking break. I'm not going in that goddamn water. You know what's funny about the Australians down here too, when they talk about somebody getting attacked by a shark, they don't say you got attacked. They say you got taken. And I was like, yeah, there was a bloke got taken. I don't say bloke. I came out the fuck. They said this would be like some dude got taken about 20 miles up. They told the story. I don't even know if this is true if they're just trying to scare a tourist. But they were saying this fucking guy

was surfing. And he was, you know, not waiting for a wave. He was in the wave, riding the wave, I should say, and the fucking shark jumped out of the water and grabbed him like some sharp NATO shit. Like, I mean, it jumped out of the fucking water. You had to have like your arms hanging off the board. And then from underneath, you look like a seal, sort of a strange shaped seal or whatever. But if you're fucking on the board at that point, if they're jumping out of the water, I don't know. I don't know. Like I'm saying, I don't fuck with the water. But I had a, I really had a great time in Perth. My favorite beer out here is that Little Creatures. And turns out they had a brewery. And I was able to go to the brewery. I could have taken the tour,

but I don't understand going, taking a tour of a fucking brewery, looking at the distillery process. All I look at is like the entire time I'm taking this tour, I could be drinking your product fresh out of your fucking big silver, whatever the fuck you call those things. So boozed it up there. Went over to Bond Scott's grave, like I mentioned, and, you know, it's funny when you get there, like people leave all, it's kind of weird. People leave like all these, you know, bottles of booze there. It's like the guy kind of died from that. You know, I mean, some of the overdoses on heroin, do you leave like fucking used needles there? It's really weird. But I kind of felt bad when I showed up. There was an empty Miller genuine draft bottle

next to Bond Scott's grave. And the ACDC, not only the ACDC fan and me, the beer lover and me wanted to take it away from the grave, but there was just something about removing something from that place, just seeing the little sacrilegious. So I reframed from doing that. But if you ever get to Perth, they have this own little entrance, little gateway, and you come walk and says Bond Scott entry or something like that. I took up all the pictures up on the podcast. I did retweet some of this shit, but you walk in very easy headstone defined. And if you look down on the ground, they have like a lightning bolt like the ACDC lightning bolt in the pavement. And then above it is like a looks like a record. And then they had something else. I forget what it was,

which is really cool. So it just sort of guides you right to it. And and then if you go over down onto the wall, the water where they have the little creatures makes their beer and shit a little bit further up from that, they have a statue of Bond Scott, which I think used to be in the graveyard, but they moved it because I guess back in the day he was a deckhand or a decky, as they call it down here in Australia. So they put them down there on the water. And I don't know, it was really cool. And where did I go from there? Then I went to Melbourne. I got there and that was a that's when I saw the Australian Open did a couple shows that night. And evidently, some comics came out to see me throughout this tour. I'm glad I didn't know

they were in the crowd that would have made me fucking nervous. And I basically been putting together my new hour out here, watching this thing come together, getting my fucking standup shops back together again, it's going to fuck just been a great tour. I really want to thank everybody who came out in, you know, throughout my time here in Australia, this has been a fucking incredible to come out here and play these big venues and be adding shows and stuff. Oh, then I did Brisbane and had a fucking, I don't know, had one of my best shows I had in Brisbane. And I got I got pictures of all this shit. Sorry, guys, I'm a little fucking jet lagged. I know this shit isn't funny. I'm just kind of going through my fucking tour here. I played city hall there was one of

the best looking theaters I ever played. Literally, you could shoot a fucking special there. It was phenomenal. Oh, here's I got a funny fucking story for you. All right, listen to this shit. So I'm going through fucking security. All right. And they have the regular metal detector. And then they got the fucking x-ray one that I don't go through. I don't go through that fucking thing because I don't give a shit what they tell me. That thing is not good for you. I remember when it first fucking came out and people were opting out. And I remember people going like, Oh, what's the big deal? You're already talking your cell phone like all that dumb shit that people say, you know? Yeah, it's like, Oh, yeah. So why don't I get extra radiation? You know,

why don't I just add to it? Just make sure I get fucking cancer, right? And what did they say? They try to say that the thing was totally fucking safe. And then what ends up happening? After a year and a half of radiating everybody in my country too much, they realized that they had the fucking thing turned up too high. And to this fucking day, when you go through one of those, if the kids young enough, they fucking send them around. Because it fucking retards the puberty process or something like that. But I'm supposed to go through it, go fuck yourself. So I always opt out. And I don't give a fuck about your opinion on this, by the way, I don't need to hear your fucking opinion. This is just my opinion. If you want to go through the fucking thing,

more power to you. So I'm down here in Australia, and they got the regular one, and then they got the fucking the bad one. So every third person or whatever it has to go through or whatever. So I come up and guess what, they want me to go through the other one. And I'm like, yeah, I'm opting out. And they like, you can opt out in Australia. So now I'm in this fucking thing where I'm challenging authority in a different country, which is always scary. But I just said, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not going through it. And the guy starts going like, Oh, he goes, do you mind if I ask you why? And I go, yeah, because I used to work in a dental office. And I took fucking x-rays and I put a lead vest over somebody before I fucking

took an x-ray. And I got cancer in my family. So I don't want to go through it. And he goes, well, you can opt out of here. Plus the ones down here, he goes, this thing is, he goes, this thing only sees through your pockets, this fucking renaissance. Like he knows how this fucking thing works, right? Oh, it just sees through your pockets. Really? You fat fuck? What do you know about anything other than eating too many fucking donuts? You douche, right? So I say to the guy, I go, well, we had the one in the States, they had it turned up too high. He goes, this is a different one. I go, no, it isn't. I go, that's the same company. I'm not going through it. He goes, all right, well, then you have to stand over there. I'm like, fine.

So the guy fucking makes me stand over there for like 10 minutes. Then this other fucking guy comes walking over and he's got this little fucking, you know, like when the, you know, like when you get your baseball team schedule or your hockey team schedule for the fucking year, he comes over with one with one of those. That's like four pages. Most of it is pictures. And he goes, if you just want to read up on it, and I'm just started laughing like, what, that little kid's book you have there that explains that complex fucking machine over there? And he goes, nobody explains it. I go, who, who explained it? The people who made that fucking thing? I'm obviously not cursing at him, but they just said you can't fucking opt out. It's a law

down here. Now, if I had the fucking time and the wherewithal, the presence of mind during that conversation, I should have said, tell me what law it is. Tell me what fucking law that says, I have to go through that fucking thing. Pat me down. We don't do that here. Well, you should fucking start fucking unreal. So then I ended up having to go through the goddamn thing. The guy was actually nice. He apologized for it. And I just said, listen, man, I know it's not you. It's, this is what it always is. It's not you. You're just the guy here who has to tell me I have to fucking go through it. But the real cunts who are making money off and who fly fucking private, who never have to go through that thing. Don't have to worry about having their entire

fucking head all the way down to their balls and their fucking toes radiated. So as if there's anybody out there that has a fucking scientific background, it can explain to me how something that can see through my fucking clothes is not, is not a, uh, it's not some sort of an x-ray. I mean, Jesus Christ, drinking Coca Cola can give you cancer. You're telling me standing in that fucking thing, head to fucking toe, put your arms up. Oh, it just shoots beams at you. It's just looking at what's in your pockets. Oh yeah. Is that why when I come out the other side, there's an entire image of me? I don't know. So whatever. So that was my fucking big goddamn moment. Fucking fat fuck making me stand there for life. Another thing that they do that passive

aggressive thing is they make you stand there for fucking 10 minutes trying to break your will, knowing that you're probably late for your flight. I fucking hate myself that I didn't say, you know what, let me, uh, let me see the fucking, uh, why don't you show me the goddamn fucking law that, I don't know. I'm sorry. I'm looking at all these people's tweets now saying, uh, Hey bro, hope tour is going great. It's like my friends here hearing good things about your movie Black or White. Some of my friends saw it. So did mom and dad. They liked it. Nice. Nice. Very nice. Hey, by the way, can you guys please go, go check out Black, Black or White. If you got a chance this week, uh, you know, it's a really big deal for me. Um, if you go and see it, I made

a lot of friends in that movie and, uh, Kevin Costner, uh, kind of put up his money for the whole fucking movie. He financed the thing. So, uh, not saying you have to go see it. I would really appreciate it if you did. All right. It's getting great reviews by the way. All right. Now write all your negative shit. You're going to say, but I don't give a fuck. All right. Live reads. Here we go. Sherry's berries, everybody. I'm reading this from down in New Zealand. Sherry's berries. If she tells you she does not want anything for Valentine's Day, what she means is, is get me something for Valentine's Day. Don't you love how this fucking holiday is just so geared toward brats? I just don't understand this whole fucking holiday and like how it's just about them.

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chocolate dipped fucking strawberries and some flowers. Perfect. I actually love this advertising, and I totally endorse this. This is exactly what you should get. Throw in a stuffed bear, too. There you go, sweetheart. And if she gives you shit, all you gotta say is, the fuck did you get me? You know? Exactly. Eat your strawberries, smell your flowers, and shut your face. And tonight, you're cuddling with the bear, because I'm sick of you. Get it done early before it's too late. ProFlowers makes it easy to check off the list, even if you already have Valentine's Day plans. You still need flowers delivered. It's a must. When she says she doesn't need flowers, she means you better get me flowers. Isn't that convenient? Is that what she means? People who sell flowers?

How come it doesn't mean I want a fucking butter-based pork chop? All right, go to proflowers.com, click on the blue microphone in the top right-hand corner, and type in Burr. B-U-R-R, that's proflowers.com, click on the microphone, and type in Burr. B-U-R-R. Order today. This deal expires Friday at midnight. All right. I'm sure I'll get some shit about those, but they don't understand that I know who you guys are, and that'll make you actually buy those fucking things. You know? Valentine's Day. What are you gonna get her? What's gonna happen? It's the stupidest fucking thing ever. My wife is cool as shit. You know what we do? I've told you this for years. We don't go out on Valentine's Day, and we don't buy each other anything. We go out like three days

after, a couple days before, when food costs what it's supposed to cost. We sit down, we have a nice meal. We shoot the shit, and that's fucking it. I don't go to CVS and buy fucking all that fucking confetti, whatever the fuck it is you're supposed to do. I don't know. I'm in such a cunt-y mood because I missed a Super Bowl. I can't fucking believe it, and we won. God damn it, we won. I'm so fucking psyched we won. I'm not even winning. I'm just so psyched I don't have to hear it from Seattle fans. I'm so psyched I don't have to listen to another fucking goddamn story about how fucking loud they are, and that, and nobody addressing that the stadium is built to make them louder than they really are. Fucking drives me up the wall. But whatever. You know what?

This is the first 24 hours. I'm sure Jim Ursay will figure out a way to say somehow we were cheating. All right, let's get into the questions for this week, everybody. Wait, have I told all my fucking stories? I really don't have a lot of stories about being down here in Australia, other than that people are unbelievably friendly. It's really relaxed. It's a ridiculously underrated place to go, and for tennis fans, if you want to go to a great city and if you want to go to an unbelievable fucking venue, go to the Australian Open and go into the rod. Lava fucking arena. I mean, I went to the US Open like twice, like 10, 12 years ago, and it's a giant, for tennis, it's still a

huge, it's a really big venue, and you know, we were sitting up top and they were, you know, they were very far away. This venue, I swear to God, it felt like I was watching it with 600 other people. Like you could hear everything. Like Serena would throw the ball up, and if, you know, like when you throw it up and then you don't serve, you know, you just felt weird, you just grabbed the ball to serve again. He'd literally hear it go, sorry, sorry, sorry. I felt like I was at her house and she was playing in the backyard or something. It was amazing. And I would say that Melbourne is probably the, like if you're, I don't know, I would say that that's sort of the New York City of Australia. I'm going to get shit right now if I'm just starting to

try to compare. This is, this is me knowing very little about their country. That seems like more like, you know, I don't know, we're all like a lot of the, just where all the shit is, you know, you know, spoiled New Yorkers are, since they grew up in New York, everything is right there. So when they go every place, they think every place else sucks. I've kind of noticed that Melbourne people kind of think every place else sucks. But, and I think Sydney is more like a touristy place. Both have their merit or whatever. It all depends on what age you are, which whatever the fuck you're into. And Brisbane was the shit. I had a great time up there. Beautiful beaches. What do they got? The Gold Coast or some shit like that around there? I don't know much about it, but it was

just a phenomenal place to visit. And I was actually, I was a little melancholy when I was leaving. And also one of the great things is one, one comedian, I actually started out with Aldell Benny. I got to, he married an Australian girl and they relocated to Sydney outside of Sydney about a year ago. And he hit me up out of the blue, asked if he could come down and hang out for the show. And he actually, I threw him on and did about five, seven minutes before each show. And it was great just hanging out with him, talking about the fucking old days, trying to figure out how the hell we became the old guys. Like I saw a thing the other day, you know, the same like top 20 comics, new comics to watch. So, you know, I'm a fan of Stand Up.

I want to see who's coming up. And I probably knew like two of them. And I was looking at him going like, Jesus Christ, I've been doing Stand Up since all of these people that they show were probably like anywhere from two years old to eight years old. So starting to feel my fucking age here. But anyways, I'm in New Zealand and I missed the Super Bowl. You know, if you're going to miss a fucking Super Bowl flying in New Zealand, I got to think it's a pretty good, got to think it's a pretty good excuse. Got to admit being down here, not hearing any of the Super Bowl hype or any of that type of shit, I really fucking enjoyed it. Did not miss any of that. Any of this shit. Oh, did you hear someone so said this? Somebody said this? Blah, blah, blah,

blah. Any of that fucking crap. So fucking psyched. I missed that. I'm not psyched. I missed the goddamn game though. Anyways, Australian food. You know, it's weird. I'll actually do a recap of the Super Bowl when I get back after like February, you know, when I'm back February, whatever the fuck I get back at, I'll watch the game and I'll do a special podcast midweek. How about that? And I'll react to the game like it just happened. Jesus, Bill. Anyways, Australian food. Let's get to the questions here for this week. Hey, Bill, I've never been to Australia. I've watched my fair share of Food Network, but I've never heard of authentic Australian cuisine. The whole shrimp on the Barbie thing has to be exaggerated and I'm pretty sure the only people who drink fosters

are morons not living on that prison island. What's the meal you've had so far? What's the best meal you've had so far? And can you give me some insight as to what you think as to what they're known for? Down under. Down under. Thanks and go fuck yourself. Dude, I have to be honest with you. I am barnstorming across this part of the world. I land, I do a show and then I go to the airport. Occasionally, like today, I landed in New Zealand and I have tonight to go out and grab a quick drink and then tomorrow I have to do the show. I've been doing a lot of press when I've been over here. I haven't really seen or done shit. I've drank a lot. What are they known for? I don't know. The food over here is great. The seafood's obviously tremendous. You know what

they're really known for over here? I think they're known for their beaches. Beautiful people, man. Women over here are fucking over and I should not over here anymore in New Zealand, but they're fucking gorgeous. But as far as the food was the best thing I've had, I gotta tell you something, man. I've had some french fries at chips down here, ordered room service. This one fucking hotel is one of the best order of french fries I've ever fucking had. That's the only thing that I can think of that's that has stood out. Other than that, everything, the food has been great. But I mean, I haven't had any fucking kangaroo or any shit like that. I don't know. I have no idea. Sorry, man. Can you guys tell how fucking jet lagged I am? I really apologize for this fucking

podcast so far. El Camino looking cars in Perth. Okay. Hey, Bill, on last week's podcast, you said you saw two guys in El Camino looking cars driving like assholes in Perth. I didn't say assholes. I said driving like people who have El Caminos. In Australia, we have cars that we call Utes, and they are similar to the American pickup, but more like a normal sedan. Basically, they are mostly a unibody like car rather than a body on frame like a pickup. Do you know somebody tried to tell me that the pickup was invented by a woman here or over in Australia? That they used to have what they used to have like these vans sort of looking. What the hell do you used to call those things? My brain is mushed this week.

What were those fucking things called? Begins with a P. Those vans from like the 1950s, but they had pickups in the 1930s. I don't know. Whatever. They had more like a van type thing, and this woman got sick of fucking backing her up and having to like open the doors and throw hay in the back, and she just cut the top off of it. Somebody, I guess, from the States was over here and saw it. It doesn't sound right. It doesn't sound right to me. It doesn't make any fucking sense, but somebody tried to claim that they came up with them over there. Anyways, our division of General Motors is called Holden, and they make the Commodore, which is the current Camaro, which the current Camaro is based on, and you can get in the U.S. as a Chevy SS.

Wait a minute. Our Camaro is based on yours or your, your shit's based on our shit. Okay. Don't get it twisted, buddy. We came up with the fucking car. We invented the goddamn car. All right. Didn't we? I have no idea who invented the fucking car. We flew first, didn't we? Other than those French guys who said they flew first. How the fuck would we know what you were doing back then? We'd have to take a fucking ship. Well, actually, the Camaro was the 60s. I don't know. Actually took a picture of a couple of some muscle cars over here, man. It's cool because they almost look like ours, but they're not, but they still look badass and actually found a sleeper, this fucking mustard-colored wagon,

man. The thing was badass. I'll also try and post that photo. Let me finish reading this thing. Also, Ford Australia builds the Falcon. Parentheses, the interceptor from Mad Max was an XB Falcon, which can also be bought as a U. We have both these cars in Australia for well over 30 years, but unfortunately, they will no longer be built here anymore after 2017. Also, douchebags love clapped out commandors to hoon about in case they are cheap and pretty quick. There's some Aussie slang for you. I have no idea what the fuck he's talking about. Bragging about commandors. I know you're a Ford guy, so you should really check out some of the Aussie-built Falcons throughout the years. Yeah, I actually did that. I looked up and checked them out. I was surprised how much

longer you guys built the Falcon. I actually saw a late model Falcon that looked like a fucking Ford Taurus station wagon when I was outside that little creature's beer place. He goes on to say, and also, if you have some spare time, you should check out the V8 Supercars. It's like Australian NASCAR, but they race on a road course. You know what's funny? I actually mentioned the Corvette one night when I was on stage out here that I love the Corvette and I was thinking about getting one and people had no idea what a Corvette was, at least the new one. You know, they know what I guess some of the old ones are, and I started just sort of looking for Corvettes when I was in Australia. Not a one. Not a one. So you know what? If I lived down,

you know what I would get? I'd get that new Corvette Z06, have it fucking shipped over here. You'd be the only one on your block, right? And I'd go fucking drive around and scare some fucking kangaroos. All right, Australian woman. Bill, I have a couple of friends who studied abroad in Australia. They all say that women down there are unreal. What are your thoughts? To make it fair because you're with the lovely Nia. You or she can comment about the men as well. Fucking hilarious. No, good looking people. Tall, blonde. It's weird. Their eyes though. Their eyes, they have Aussie eyes. It's weird. It's somewhere between white guy eyes and Asian eyes. You know, like John Denver. That's what I would say. Oh, shit. That's what they got. They got John

Denver eyes with blonde hair. Tan people. Really good looking fucking, you know, tall, blonde and tan. There you go. I mean, I don't know what Hitler's feelings were about Australia, but I think he would have loved it. You know, if he just, he's such a fucking moron, that Hitler. You know, why didn't he just fucking take his easel, travel abroad? He would have been interesting. He would have had a fucking, he would have had an accent. He could have come down here, got himself some tall drink of fucking water, painted the beautiful beaches, could have lived out a nice quiet fucking life, right? But no, he had to go for the glory. He wanted to get into showbiz, didn't he? Response to army guy from last week, considering marrying girlfriend to get her out of the UK.

All right, this is, okay, this is this guy last week who was talking about, you know, he was, he was joined the fucking, some branch of the US armed services and he was stationed over in England. And the only way he could get his beautiful, perfect girlfriend over to meet him is to live over there was if he fucking married her. So this is what this guy, this is the guy's response here. Hey, burnout on the 126 podcast, there was a guy calling me, Oh, burn at BURR. And I think he was talking about the guy who's going to get married. All right. Hey, burn out on the January 26 podcast, there was a guy who was worried about getting married in order to get his girlfriend to come to Europe with him. My advice, get legally married, but

don't have the ceremony. If you just need some documentation to show you are married, this is a great way to avoid the added stress. If you explain that you love her and you want her to be with you, but you're not ready for marriage, she will likely understand. Explain that you still have a regular wedding later if you decide to make the emotional commitment. Also, the issue of getting a prenup can be brought up to make you feel more secure without her thinking it's a trust issue. Wait, what are you saying? Get legally married, but don't have the ceremony. So you're already married then. If you're legally married, doesn't he need to get the fucking prenup? I'll continue reading here. I was in the reverse situation when I want, when I wanted to get married

to my girlfriend. She had student loans that would get much more expensive if she was married, so we had the ceremony without the legal contract. We were contact connected without the added cost. Later, when she needed health insurance, we went to the JP and got her on the insurance. Just separate the legal marriage from the emotional one until you're ready for the commitments they entail. Thanks and go fuck yourself. Yeah, but then if you're not emotionally ready to get married and then you get married to somebody legally and then you decide later that you don't want to be married to them, then you're, then you're fucked. And there's no way to bring up a fucking prenup without the other person going like, so just exactly what are you thinking of tapping out?

Believe me. All right, princess or just a lady. All right, what do we got here? Bill, I'm a sweet guy. So hang out with this girl. What? Bill, I'm a sweet guy. So when I hang out with this girl, I often try to be nice towards her, either with compliments or little acts. For example, sometimes when we're just watching a movie, I'll look at her until she sees me staring and then say she looks beautiful. Yeah, I'm sure that's not creepy at all. You may be gagging right now, but hey, go fuck yourself. I care about her. The problem is not that she loves when I do that. The problem is my gift giving. A few times now, I've walked off campus a short way to pick up her favorite dish from her

favorite restaurant. The first time was because she was busy with homework and missed dinner, so I wanted to surprise her. And the other was when we were going to hang out around lunchtime in her dorm. I got us both something. I got us both something then. I've also gone to the store when she told me one night how she wished, how she wished she had this one type of cereal. Oh, Jesus. Gee, I wish I had this one type of cereal. And then you go fucking running down the street like fucking Mr. McFeely, Speedy McFeely. How she needed some type of cereal and how she needed to go to the store for milk and coffee cream. While I've only spent like $30 total on her over the past month, my friends wore me. It's either going to get excessive or lose

special touch. I wonder if that's true and what should I do, Bill? Thanks and have a great day. Just kidding. Go fuck yourself. PS, she's not a manipulative bitch. She's gotten actually upset that I went all out of my way to get her these things. And she told me how she feels very grateful but kind of bad about it. All right. Well, first of all, I didn't say, I would never say that she was a bitch. I don't know her, but all women are unbelievably manipulative. They have to be because they can't physically beat the fuck out of us unless they're like, you know, taking that UFC shit. Then that's just game set and match because they could already beat you mentally. Women can always beat a guy mentally because they fucking work on that. That's all they work on. You know what I

mean? They're like a boxer, you know, standing up just throwing punches. And what he is a guy, you got to learn how to fight. You got to do all this other fucking shit and you just become a jack of all trades master and none. Okay. So they fucking do that mental shit their entire goddamn life. And then they go down to a dojo. Like, can you imagine trying to fucking debate a point with Rhonda Rousey? How far on how many levels it would be fucking over as a guy? She could beat you mentally because she's a woman. So she's going to be fucking, she's just going to weigh you down. It's going to be over. Or if she decides or you decide to say something stupid to her, she could then beat the fuck out of you. So I mean, I don't know. I don't know what you say

there. That's like the ultimate fucking debate I would say as a guy trying to beat a woman in an argument that also holds a UFC belt. Oh my God. Jesus Christ. How many times would you have to get your fucking ass kicked mentally and physically before you even found a weakness? And that would just be fucking brutal. Anyways, going back to this. First of all, dude, I don't know what the fuck you're doing here. You should never hang out with a girl that you like. All right, you got to get it on some sort of let's I want to take you out to you're going to ask this fucking woman out. He's going to stare at her and just say she looks beautiful and then run down the street and get her some food that's not going to get you where

you want to be. Okay. You've been hanging for a month. You're acting like her personal butler and she hasn't said anything like she wants to fucking get with you. I mean, I don't know. I feel like the window of opportunity is closing because pretty soon it's going to be weird if you fucking ask her out. I don't want to crush your dreams here. I don't know what your question is. It says princess or just a lady? What did you say? Well, do I think it's going to be excessive? Yeah, I think you're going to be, she's either going to use you, which you said she's not like that. Or I think you're just going to become annoying or she's just going to treat you as a friend and women don't have a problem looking at you just as like a friend. So then when someday

you go to ask her out or try to kiss her or something, you're really going to weird her out and the whole thing's going to get fucked up. So I don't know. You know, at some point when she goes, you know, I wish I had some cereal. It's like, well, you know, there's a 24 hours store down the street. Why don't you give me some cocoa puffs while you're at it? And you know, something as rude as that sounds for some reason, I don't know. They respected on some level that I don't know. Most women, they just don't want some guy that's just like, Oh my God, you're beautiful. Can I buy you stuff as much as they think they want that? They just they just look at you like you're pathetic. Probably because they know on some level that they're

fucked in the head and the fact that you can't see it. You don't see any flaws. They just they look at you like this guy's got you just his judgment stinks. This is the guy that I'm going to attach my fucking wagon to somebody with no goddamn judgment who can't read people and like somehow he's going to bring home the bacon, fry it up in the fucking pan. I don't think he's going to do it. So what I would say, dude is, uh, yeah, I stopped being our food bitch. All right, she wants serious. She should go get her to fuck itself and I'm just thinking you need to back it off and then you got to lay it on the line. That's what you got to do. Back off, stop buying your shit. Stop fucking hanging out with them when you run

into it. Just say, listen, what's the deal with us? Okay, because I don't want to just be friends. I like you. I would like to take you out and I would like to date you. That's what that's the direction I want to go on. All right. I don't want to fucking hang out with you and go buy your s'mores, even though that's what the fuck I was doing. That's the old me. This is the new me. You see me right now. Look at me. Grab my dick right now. Okay. Cause it's mine. Would you care for some, you know, just something like that. Sorry. All right. Dollar shame club, everybody. Can someone please tell me when razor's got so goddamn expensive? Huh? What is the deal people? Have I been asleep for 20 years? I was in the store the other day and one pack of razor's cost

20 bucks. One pack. That is insane. But hey, sometimes when you buy those razors, you also get a free gift, which is actually a punch in the dick. All right. Don't get beat up with ridiculous razor prices. Get your shave gear where I get mine. Go to dollarshaveclub.com, everybody. For a few bucks a month, dollarshaveclub.com delivers amazing razors and other great grooming supplies like Dr. Covey's Easy Shave Butter. Right to my doorstep. Their plan starts at just $3 a month. Here's how it works. They send me, they sent me the handle for free and every month they sent me replacement blades. It's one less thing to worry about. You can get deliveries every month or every other month. They've got lots of grooming supplies too. You know that I love

the One Wipe Charlies. I've never used them. I just think it's fucking hilarious. And I love, you know, I almost said I love the shit talking of One Wipe Charlies. Really? I got to try some of those. Just fucking, you know, that's disgusting that you guys just have to envision me trying some of those like taking a test. Like I'll take a shit with a lab coat on and then just go one, one wipe, right? God damn it, they did it. Why pay $20 for a razor when you can get a fantastic shave from dollarshaveclub.com for a fraction of the price? Stop getting smacked around by high razor prices. dollarshaveclub.com razors are great and they are a fraction of the price. Trust me, you wish that you had done it sooner. Don't be a dumbass. Shave smart. Go to dollarshaveclub.com

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Gronk to get his first one, the defense and all those guys to get their fucking rings. It's just awesome. And you know, who can move? Tom lost this fucking one, then he'd be three and three, and all the fucking jerk offs would be saying a bunch of shit about him. And to be honest, this is six Super Bowls in a row. This guy drove from behind for the winning fucking touchdown. It ain't his fault. Well, actually, no, I can't say that the last one, that throw to Welker, I don't know. I don't know who to blame on that one. But five out of six, this guy's always doing the fucking deed. So it's so psyched that the defense finally stepped up. And I don't even know the name of the guy that picked off the ball. I never even fucking heard of him. I read his name.

I had no idea. So anyways, my apology to the sports fans that listened to this fucking podcast, because I did not see the goddamn game. I can't fucking believe it. But anyways, I'm looking forward to my time down here in New Zealand. I'm working Auckland tomorrow night, and I'm working Wellington. And then I go, then I go to fucking Southeast Asia, man, can you fucking believe that? I'm gonna be going to Asia. And I already had an amazing interview, as far as like just talking to this guy from Hong Kong. And I'm really looking forward to meeting comics in Singapore, Hong Kong, and India, just to hear they'll, you know, because the scenes are so new over there and that type of stuff. It's fucking ridiculous. You know, I did a podcast this week out of India,

these guys, two guys called me up, right? Fucking hilarious guy. I think India is going to be fucking hilarious because Indian people seem like my favorite kind of comic where my nothing, I like better than somebody who's really smart, but they're fucking silly. And these guys in this podcast were like that, as they tried to trick me to get in talking about the fucking government and when they didn't have to fucking balls to or whatever, they weren't going to do it. They tried to get me in trouble over there, man. It's fucking hilarious. When I called them out on it, they fucking laughed their asses off. It was like, it was like talking to fucking rich bosses, some shit from over there, man, that same kind of ball busting. So I'm just really looking forward

to that. I think it's going to be life changing. And then once again, when I, after I'm done with this, this whirlwind tour here, I fly from India over to Dubai, connecting Dubai, and then I go to New York. So I will literally have flown around the world, which is an unbelievable privilege to be able to do that. So I really want to take the time to thank everybody who sent me emails telling me to come over to these places because it's definitely a life changing experience. And I ran into a bunch of Indian comics at the Laugh Factory maybe like four years ago or something, three years ago, I can't even tell at this point. And they actually knew my stuff and said that there was people over there that would come see the show. And that's all I need to say. And I'll

fucking figure out a way to get over there. And I actually, when I did that podcast, they were talking about, they asked me about the Philly thing when I got booed. I was like, you fucking guys saw that over there. They're like, yeah, you know, we do comedy, you know, we fucking watch the shit. So it's pretty humbling that. So I'm looking forward to it. Gonna get some dumplings in Hong Kong. I'm gonna get some fucking, you know, it's funny. I'm going to ask the people in India, where should I go eat? And I was just thinking they're probably sick of Indian food, you know, they're probably going to take me to a sushi joint or something like that. Because, you know, I want to go over there and get some fucking the best Indian food I ever had. So

hopefully that's where they're going to take me. But I'm really looking forward to it. You know, a lot more shows to do, a lot more whiskey to drink. And oh, dude, you know, they don't fucking have any cigar bars in Australia. That's what this fucking guy told me. And when you go to buy the Cuban cigars, I made a video, I got to show you this, like how fucking hardcore they are. I bought a Cuban cigar and I had to sit outside like a fucking animal smoking this thing outside. Like I smoked a cigar the way Paul Versey smokes a cigar standing out in the street next to a trash can. Anyways, I don't know what to tell you. Thanks for listening to the podcast. That's it. Congratulations to the Patriots. And seriously, I'm not joking condolences to the Seattle Seahawk

fans. I know what the fuck that feels like to have a crushing goddamn defeat. But you'll be back next year, you know, you got a fucking great team and fucking organization. And I don't give a fuck that your stadium makes you louder and that some of your players did roids. I don't give a fuck about that shit because everybody's fucking doing that shit. All right. There you go. God bless you. Go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you next week. For you in Snari Tzandersnacht or Halt van Klasiekers.