Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-12

Episode Date: February 21, 2012

Posted in PodcastPlay AudioBill rambles about Black History Month, Revenge on a neighbor, and Frank Pepe's Pizza.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's the Monday Morning Podcast from Monday, February 20th, 2012. And you're not going to believe it. Am I going to start off bitching about these fucking headphones again? Because I know what you guys are going to say. You're like, well, why don't you buy some new ones? You know what I'm going to say? I did buy some new ones. I did buy some new ones. I was at Newark Airport and I was like, you know what? I got to do my podcast. Yeah, this looks like a great place to buy headphones. The airport, I'm sure they have the top of the line and they're not overpriced whatsoever considering I'm on the other side of security. So I did. I dropped like fucking 60, 70 bucks

on a pair of headphones. All right, because I'm not spending any more money. What am I a fucking DJ? You know, my M&M adjusting the mixer levels here, like I got something to fucking say. I'm not. All right. I'm just a little mom and pop podcast and fucking store out here. $70 headphones with the tax and the fucking airport fuck over, right? The airport fisting. That's about right. And I got them. I listened. They sounded great on the airplane. They had this little bullshit battery you put in them and then I click, I flip a switch and then it's supposed to make everything around me a little quieter, which it did, which I don't get how it does that. You know, I got fucked up here as people

from playing drums and that type of shit and listening to AC DC too loud and all that crap. And I asked these people about like the Bose system about how to noise cancelization and cancelization. Is that a word? Canceling headphones and they said, well, this is what we do. We, you know, whatever frequency, we send the exact opposite frequency and it cancels out both frequencies and blah, blah, blah. So then you can't hear it. So my thing is, if I can't fucking hear it though, but is it still doing the damage? You know what I mean? In the ear, I just, I just don't notice it now because you've offset the sound so I can't hear the sound, but my eardrum is still, you know, getting worn down by the airplane decibels.

Can anybody answer that question for me? Does that make any sense? Like I know you've done a little parlor trick here where now I can't hear the noise that exists. It's not like fucking ear plugs. You know what I mean? Like you put ear plugs in, it's actually blocking out the noise. These fucking things are like, they're sending out the exact opposite frequency. So then, then I can't fucking hear, but is my eardrum still going like, right? I prefer those little spongy things that you roll up and you stick in your ears and then you don't have to clean them out for the next nine months. That's always great, right? And then you put them in your pocket and it gets all with that lint all over it. There's one for you ladies. Speaking

of ladies, I want to thank everybody for ordering the flowers from flowflowers.com. And I also want to give a shout out to the people at the Pro Flowers Company because they had no problem with my read a few weeks ago. They actually just didn't like that I said the wrong website. So if you listened to two weeks ago when I did my filthy read of their copy, you'll now hear that I did a little insert, right? Where it's just me talking, yes, take the face up your ass and blah, blah, and just go to proflowers.com and it just goes right back to me ranting again. So how cool are they? You know, I don't know if they'll ever advertise on here again, but you know what? Those guys are cool. I thought they were going

to be like, you know, it'd be one thing if we sold drugs. Okay, we sell flowers. All right. Flowers are the exact opposite of violet. Why would you read it that way? Sorry. So anyways, that's that's what I'm letting you guys know. They they if I ever meet someone who works at Pro Flowers, I'm going to buy him a drink. All right. And don't even think you're just going to walk up to me with a little carnation in your fucking lapel and you're going to fool me. All right. You're not going to have that fucking 300 yard stare that those pro flowers people have. It's unmistakable. Anyways, dude, you should see what the fuck we bought for my dog. My dog has like separation anxiety. And like when you leave the dog alone,

it like freaks the fuck out. You know, like, Oh my God, God, this place is too big. I don't know what I'm going to do. It tries to jump through the windows and claws at the woodwork. So you know, you've heard these stories, we tried to buy cages, or his trainers call them Casas, which is the Spanish word for home. And if you were to look at these things, you know, they don't look like a home, they look like a cage. All right, so I've been putting my dog in them. It's a goddamn pit, the lovely Nia everybody coming to the podcast. Let me hit pause here and let me just probably talk about Cleo Cleo's new two bedroom apartment. We just got her hold on a second, hold on, hold on, hang on everybody through the magic

of podcasting. She'll be on in a couple of seconds. So anyways, like I said, through the magic of podcasting, the lovely Nia everybody, how are you? Hi, how are you? Great. I am doing well. What was with that robotic? Hi, how are you? I am fine. I was just talking to them about how we we Cleo separation anxiety. So we've gone through all these different cages and she's a pit bull. So she's broken out of all of them. Then she cuts up her fucking face. She's chipped a couple of teeth that drives me nuts. So we finally just buy one that you just can't escape from. And it looks like a fucking safe. It's the only way to describe it. I never I never liked it. It was evil looking. It looks like that shit like

you know, those Vietnam movies, when they stick the American G Is and like the little bamboo things. Yeah. Yeah, she just never and I really does look like a mini prison cell. Yeah, I just didn't feel like she could stretch or anything like that. She couldn't. She could get up and turn around, which is what like they say is the requirements is that they should be able to stand up and turn around, which she could do, but it's still small. Yeah, I didn't like it. Yeah. So we just had a trainer basically made essentially a fucking lion's cage for her. It's the biggest thing I've ever seen in my life. Yeah, and I'm thinking big. Yeah, there's enough room for her bed. A whole nother section like she has like, it's like when you're in New York and you go from

going from a studio to actually having a one bedroom apartment. Yeah, she's got the bedroom in the back. Yeah, and then she's got the carpeted area in the front. There's a little dog dish and some water, the kitchen area, some water, right? Little foyer for to hang up her jacket. Right. Exactly. And you know what she does? She tries to break out of it again. Yeah. So it had nothing to do with the damage money I've spent on these fucking things. I know. No, you don't. Because I'm paying for it. I'm paying for it. No, I do because you keep reminding me of how much you spent on it. So I am quite aware. I freak out. I freak out every time it fucking happens. So now she has she only did it that one time. She's fine. She just got it. It's like, when we got this

thing, you just got to be practicing. You just got to be in it. No, I wanted I wanted it to be big enough. So she could have a nice big comfy bed in there. And Cleo basically has three stretches for you yoga people. She has down dog and up dog. And then she has Oh no. And then she has the one when she lays on her side and all four legs go straight out. Yeah. All right. Then she has the one where she stands up and does the I'm a mad cat. Impression. And my favorite one is when she sits down and she just puts her head to the sky and goes sounds like a fucking that's my favorite one. Yeah, she couldn't do that one in this one. Now she can do it in there. And you would think we just took her from coach and put her in first class. And she's still acting like an

ass because she doesn't just doesn't like to be confined. She doesn't like to be separate. You know how Cleo is. She's very attached to us. So it's hard for her to just be away. I know. She's not independent. She's not a dependent dog at all. You know, I feel like she's needy. I feel like that father that just keeps spoiling his daughter just keeps buying her new shit. She's breaking everything. And no matter what I get, she's not going to be happy. You know, she'll be all right in there. I just went before I came in here. I just made her lie down in her bed and she did her little exhale and she's driving me nuts. So I wanted to talk to you about the sound serious. No, no, I'm not going to get into that yet. Let me just think before I do that, I got to thank

everybody for coming out to my shows. I don't know if you notice, Nia, because I know you're out here just baking cookies doing your female stuff. Wow. I just completed if you wonder why I look so tired yet satisfied. I just completed a whirlwind tour of the tri-state area. Wednesday night, two shows at Vinnie Brands Stress Factory in New Brunswick, New Jersey. Charming Vinnie Brand Vinnie Brand. Can I hear Vinnie Brand impression? Hi, I'm Vinnie Brand. Oh my God. You had the right sound, but you couldn't come up with anything better. Like let me hear your Frank Sinatra. Hi, I'm Frank Sinatra. Luck be a lady tonight. There you go. How's that? Never let her out of my sight. Stick with me, baby. I'm the fella you came in with. Luck be a lady

tonight. You know what that song's about? Yes, Bill. What is it about? It's about a chick and a dude and he wants to be, he wants to have some recognition and hey, I'm treating you good. Stop being, stop being a little, a little hussy. That's the metaphor for throwing dice. Well, I mean, I thought that was like the most clear part. Dice is the nickname for the dice is the ladies, the ladies. I didn't know that. Oh, I thought it was actually, I thought it's both. I thought it was a metaphor for a woman, but the whole thing is it's fucking both. Okay. All right, so come on. It has to be. It has to be. Come on and blow on some other guys dice. You know, I fucking love how clever they were. By the time we got to my generation, Axel Rose was like,

suck my fucking dick. Yeah, and all those rappers, I mean, they just fucking, they just really, they just fucking, they went right down the pipe with it. Yeah, that's what the, you know, the gangster rap and guns and roses music. That was like just like a Nolan Ryan picture. No action on the ball. Here comes the heater. See if you can hit it, right? Sure. Yeah, you watch sports. So anyways, I want to thank everybody who came out and, and I think I deserve a pat on the back that at no point did I make fun of New Jersey for the amount of Bon Jovi tickets that they still continue to purchase hometown hero hometown here, but giant stadium still. That's unbelievable. What about Bruce? He does. He's Jersey too. Yeah, but he's worldwide. That guy's

national international. I guess I don't know. What'd you call him? John Jovi? John Bon Jovi. I got confused. I got John Bon Jovi. Yeah. Yeah. He's not international. I mean, I don't know. I mean, don't they love him in like some, somewhere there's always the country. You know what's great about this business is they'll always be a country that loves you. Yeah, they always will be the matter how big, how small you want it to be huge and proud. You want it to be America. If you're an American, I guess, but you know, what's his face? Hasselhoff, huge in Germany. Right. All right. Jerry Lewis got his recognition in France, much like the jazz players of your ilk, right? And by ilk, I mean, African American, you know, what happens to me every every year during Black History Month?

This is what happens. There's always somebody, some white person. It's just me in another whitey, right? And they always have to be like, dude, what? Why? Why do they got to have like a month? You know, do we get a month? Oh, God. Well, it's kind of true, Nia. We don't get a month. You really don't even start. Don't even start. You get the other 11 motherfuckers. That's right. That's right. We'll get a month. Every month is Tom Broca month. Yes. Oh, yes. We definitely need like a month dedicated to the struggles of white people. Yeah. Yeah. Well, you know what? I want to get on that white folks. You know what? I want to organize and some shit. Maybe it'll happen for you. I want to wear the great white leaders campaigning for it. Oh, right. They're in the clan.

Well, tell me about some white struggles, Nini. Can't think of any. Of course you can't. Does that mean there isn't any? What about all those Irish guys? All those Irish guys came off the boat? Let me explain something to you. Let me finish. No, I won't. I want to talk about potatoes. Yeah. No, I was going to say, are you going to talk about the potato famine? Because I've been hearing about this shit since high school when I was one of maybe two black people in my high school class in Atlanta, Georgia. Whose fault is that? I'm going to kick you. Why didn't you move to the whitey land? That's like a fight. If I went to the whitey land where I was going to the nice private because you went to a private school like fucking Tupac and then he comes out. Yo, I'm hard and shit. Look at

my tattoos. He didn't go to private school. He went to an art school. Please. That guy had a two, two in the eighth grade. All right. Privileged. He did take ballet classes. He freely admits that. Look, anybody who gets shot and can still give the camera the finger. I don't give a fuck about your background. My point is we're talking about, you know, slavery and all that stuff. Inevitably. Inevitably. There was some kid in class who's regurgitating their grandparents and their, their parents, you know, feeling like they're not getting enough, you know, I don't know, praise for what white people went through or like, what about the potato family? Hey, a potato family is not the same as people being enslaved. I wasn't, I wasn't talking about

that in the middle passage. It's not the same. And I'll also point out, sorry, everybody. I thought this was going to be fun. Ever said anything to say, well, you know, I don't know if that's a completely equal. That's not what I was talking about. Also, it's not a who suffered more contests. All right, I'm done. I was talking about when the Irish came over around the civil war, and they went to that little Ellis Island out there. They needed guys to fight in the Union Army. So the second they landed, they say, listen, you can sit here and get some venereal disease in smallpox, or you can go fight for the Union Army. And half of them fucking signed up, landed on Ellis Island, signed up, and then immediately was shot in the forehead by a fucking cannon down

of South Carolina. All right, I'm just saying, everybody's got this shit, but you know what's fucked up is I was actually going to defend you. And you're so fucking sad here, sticking your mitt in the face of whitey. Now you got, now you got me with my fucking backup. All right. No, I'm just saying it's always funny because there's always somebody, somebody was saying it to me this weekend, I go and I find it. Can you just give them that month? I know they get 29 days this month, but can you just give them that fucking month? You know, what if they had a white entertainment television? People wouldn't like that. Like white people really give a shit about BET. Oh, Jesus, Nia, what are you talking about? I don't know. What are you doing? What are you

doing? We're trying to have fun here. Nobody, nobody said that. What you're doing now is that being said, white people are a okay in my book. You guys are great. No, I don't. I like I actually love my family. Get annoyed when, when, when people get, there's two conversations that white people bring up during the year that bug me. One is why is there a black history month? All right, which is the obvious question is, is because if we didn't bring it up, you wouldn't and not necessarily out of, out of being an asshole. It's just not what you focus on. Right. You know, you're in your world. Yeah. Exactly. So and then the other one is whenever the N word subject comes up, will you guys say it to each other all the time? How are you going to get

mad? And then they go, how come? Well, so then why can't I say it? And then I always go, well, why would you want to say it? And then wait, and then one time they did a documentary on that. And then somebody in the documentary goes, I think white people are just mad because there's something that they can't do. And that was the one where I almost took my flat screen and fucking jammed it in a toilet and flushed it. That whole shit. Okay. As much as we don't understand black history month, that whole fucking thing that, oh, I'm white. Therefore, the government gives me a USA today and a bag of cash every morning. Yeah, that ain't happening. All right. That's one of those deals. I think a perfect example of, you know, white, there's a lot of white

people out there. He's bound to down driving that word. It's like even Eminem, who is so steeped in hip hop culture and like completely accepted in hip hop culture, because he's a great lyricist and rapper, he doesn't use the word. So if Eminem is not using the word, what makes you think that like Joe Baloney sandwich can use that word? Who Joe Baloney sandwich made that up. Oh, Jesus. Um, so anyways, at once a year, I have that conversation once a fucking year. That's what people do. Like the world is from their couch. All right. And when it doesn't make sense to them, they don't stop and go, Oh, hey, wait a minute. Let me try and turn this around and look back at my couch. They don't fucking do it. And you know what? Neither do you

with your little fucking rant about potatoes. I wasn't even talking about that was talking about these. You didn't know that you imagine that you fucking you're trying to flee. You know, they're out of vegetables. Somebody said the funniest shit about the potato family, everybody starved. It's like you live on an island. Why don't you go fishing your fucking moron? I ate it. No more potatoes. What are we going to eat? I don't know. Have another drink. It's one of the funniest fucking things I never even thought of that. But the thing is, though, it is, I mean, as much as it's a fucking island, I mean, it's not the size of like Gilligan's Island. It's bigger than that. So I guess you'd have

to get on your little fucking bike because that's all they had. They don't even have cars in Europe, except for like the international bankers, you know, and then they get the police ask going down the street. That's all you ever talked about when we go over there. You're like, I want to hit that siren. Yeah, and it wasn't until I got to Sweden they have it. Yeah, it's so disappointing when you're in other countries and they just have the like the regular one. Yeah, my voice is a little sharp from screaming. I usually do a better siren. Sounds sexy. It does. Oh, is that what you like me to do that? Come into the bedroom. Sure. Let's just go. So anyways, well, speaking of other things black this week, Whitney Houston. Oh, just out of curiosity, is that going to come out on

DVD at any point on laser? That was like the greatest fucking funeral. The funeral is better than the Grammys. It was it was pretty amazing. You really felt like you were well because it was a nice show up and do something really weird and screaming old white man. No, thank God. What was that about? Was she trying to out Lady Gaga Lady Gaga? Pretty much the people are doing weird shit just for weird shit's sake and it's not even art anymore. Anyway, you wait till they both fall off and then they have to do that. That the duet Nicki Minaj and Lady Gaga like when Mick Jagger and David Bowie got together to sing dancing in the street. They were like Rhode Island Worcester South America. They started rubbing their asses together. Yeah, I don't mean

this in a homophobic way at all, but that was the gayest thing ever. I think we can all admit even gay people can admit that was extra extra fruity. That was yes. No, but the Whitney Houston funeral, it was it was like a real funeral. It wasn't like, you know, the Michael Jackson Memorial obviously was sad and they had performers, but it was more like star studded. It was like, you know, the Kardashians all posing together holding programs and shit. This one was like Kardashians went to the wedding, the the memorial, the wedding. I mean, the funeral. Yeah, the Michael Jackson. Yeah, it was it was all kinds of celebrities there. You know, it was like the highest ticket in town. And then this one really felt like because they had like a Michael Jackson,

like Laker Jersey, like a one off Mitchell and Ness. Was it like that? I don't know. Did he go out like Elvis? What do you mean? Just like completely exploited right into the fucking ground? Pretty much. Yeah, I'm asking. Yeah. They made a cuckoo clock out of them yet as they have like Elvis Presley. I don't know. One of the most wrongly criticized artists of all time. We'll get into that later, Nene. This is being a white people stealing from black people. We weren't really, we weren't really speaking. No Elvis was great, but I feel like it kind of stopped that accepted history that he accepted bullshit that he stole all that shit from them is such a crock. Wow, I mean, this is why I'll say it's a crock of shit, because if he was black,

what he would be considered was he's he's carrying on the tradition. But if somebody white is into that music, then what it is is you're stealing. All right, now I'm not saying that the label didn't give those guys, you know, the label, they probably didn't even pay Elvis. Forget about the fucking artists who originally black artists who originally wrote that song. But I've been around long enough, Nene, that I know that half those fucking people who are saying that Elvis stole from them, they stole their shit from somebody else. You ever listen to that fucking music blues music? How many the turnarounds half the fucking lyrics are like, because if she won't, I know her sister will that lyric is in like 50 different songs. How many of them were backdoor men?

I'm telling no, I'm telling you. And it leads into the stand up arena. When I did that fucking circuit, there's there is some originality there, but there's a lot of thievery going on. So I would I would question I'm just saying Elvis is the original behind the music guy. He basically like he lived every fucking cliche before it was a cliche that thought he was bigger than life. And the guy's belly was full of fucking Advil before they even invented whatever the fuck he had, and he died on a fucking toilet. You know, it like younger than me. Yeah. All right. People still parade through his fucking house and have dumb conversations near his grave. There's a souvenir shop across the street. They've turned him from everything into a cuckoo clock to a

fucking spatula. That's Priscilla. Yeah, his fucking manager stole from him. And everybody just says he's a piece of shit. He's a fucking thief. I mean, I thought he had respect for the music and he just did his thing. He liked the music. The people think he was a piece of shit, other than his like land or whatever people who bitch about him will say he's a thieve and piece of shit. And like they sat down, listen, man, I saw some colored people down the street. They're doing this stuff. I want to take it. We ain't giving him any money. All right. You talking about a guy who just flew around and ate peanut butter and banana fucking sandwiches. Okay. And came out with those stupid Batman bedazzled gay capes. You know, do you think he really had this fucking

some broke kid from missing? He like he had the foresight to do all of that. Come on. He got fucking raped by his record. Yes. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. And then he takes the fall. He takes the fall. I'm just like, I'm not saying that they didn't take that music and I'm not saying that those people didn't get fucked. Everybody gets fucked in the music business. Okay. And they got stepped in was their racism apps of fucking Luke Lee. But to sit there and just literally look at Elvis. Like there was no talent there is complete horseshit. All right. All these fucking people. They have black frame glasses and they go tease once a year trashing him. I'm really getting sick of it. All these Bill Russell lookalikes have had it. The assault and pepper aphros leave the king

alone. Pick on somebody else. All right. What else? What do we got here? What did I want to talk about? Our job as black people is to keep you down to earth to make sure what happened all those years ago. There's not a black people in this country. So we got to keep reminding you of how evil you are to keep you in your place. I am me. No, I am. I am. I'm an evil white man. I do a lot of the white man shit. You're an angry white man. Yeah, I am. But it has nothing to do with black people. No, I know you're just angry. It just kind of fell out of the sky. You said you know something actually somebody said something to me this weekend. And I was like I really wish Nia was here. So you could have heard it and said

like Bill it's been like a change in you. So I don't know you seem like you let some stuff go. Like you know what you I don't know you were laughing you were actually you know talking to people after the shows and blah blah blah blah blah and I was like you know I can I can you please say that again with that same level of conviction and can I record this and then send this to the lovely Nia so you can quit breaking my balls over here. We got in the biggest fucking fight this weekend. I didn't say that I wasn't going to bring it up. I didn't say yeah I've been making fun of Kobe's wife on on the you guys will see it it's my clothes it's my clothes and I'm on the stage there it's my clothes and bit the signature piece I like to save my next special and what do you do you

call me up and you mind fuck me like I'm being too mean I wasn't mind fucking you I was you did talking to you about we've been talking like I said we've been talking about this subject for months ever since you started doing it on stage you know I'm gonna you know spar and debate with you about it because on one hand I feel like we're right before I do a special oh my god you make me sound so diabolical I'm not saying you're diabolical yeah I just said I'm an angry fucking psycho can you take one hit can you take one shot to the liver all right you have this way of like yeah you know that really funny part in your act what's up with that well I don't mean to I'm not trying to mind fuck you or mess with your career or blah blah blah you're you know

your jokes that people fucking love and what makes you so great but you know I just just talk about it I get it yeah you got you yeah he was she was trying to suggest that while Kobe was out there scoring 6 000 points a game and raping bitches uh he got acquitted he got acquitted raping bitches up in Colorado they found like five different guys semen in that girl I know I really wasn't good luck yeah that really wasn't a good look in her panties Nia whoops not even in her inner pain she doesn't even fucking hose herself down she doesn't even wash it's disgusting yeah it wasn't a good look yeah all right can I continue yeah so she was sitting there trying to suggest that that his wife his lady was at home holding down the fort raising the children yeah yeah

on her hands and knees scrubbing the kitchen floor with a toothbrush give me a fucking break her big move every day was which mall am I going to that was her job is to take care of the kids and all that stuff her job was to watch I guarantee you her job was to watch the nanny watch the kids it smells icky take care of it she's totally in shape Nia I know yeah she was that's not a mom supermodel that's not a mom okay you you're a mom and you have multiple kids okay I see that joke my act my mom she she never did drugs in her life doesn't remember her 30s that's a mom right yeah it's just a fucking blur you mean it's not being like not having like a six pack after three kids

going on vacation to Miami with your girlfriends knowing what the hottest shoes out there are well that's what I plan on doing is that not possible like I can't I can't do that I have to be like what do you mean no Nia I'm not having some stranger raise our hypothetical kids I don't want a stranger raising them either but I fully intend on like looking like the hot bitch I was when you met me oh absolutely oh you will stay and shake me or I'll I'll fucking build a bedroom out in the garage for you to sleep in that is that goes for you buddy and you that's exactly what you should say it is completely fucking unacceptable to be like well I'm married to him now or I'm married to her now on either side and then just let yourself go and have that big pelican

neck you know and then the guy has to sit there in order to lead the lady he's got the guys with the big beer guts and you try to keep your 32 inch waist you keep pushing your fucking jeans down you know and you got that giant like your shirts pushed out so far you're starting to see the skin of your belly right when your belly button is facing the floor like a bombardier looking for targets and Dresden that's when you know you're gonna fucking lose some goddamn weight um so anyways what I was trying to tell you I actually wish you came out we did uh one of the stops on the whirlwind tour of the east coast was uh we did the theater at Westbury um in Long Island and it was in the round and uh have you ever done a show like that before yeah I opened for Dane at Madison

Square Garden and it was in the round and I'm sitting there the place is going fucking nuts and uh I was going like and you know Dane's just fucking you know sitting there you know eating celery sticks like not even nervous I'm like dude and he's like what's up man I go what the fuck and he just laughs and he goes it's he just goes he was brilliant he goes it's four theaters he just broke it up he goes you're facing this way that's a theater you face that way it's a theater and they're just combined and um but obviously you're not like like turning in circles the whole time no you're not how do you know when to turn around and to I can't explain it it takes about six minutes to figure it out okay and then once you then you start to uh you know there's a

way you can cheat all the way to the side of one stage and have your back turned to them and then you're seeing three quarters of the crowd and then you just try to keep like a mental thought in your head you know I haven't looked this way in a minute hey let's give that let's give them one over here it was fun I was fucking around going you know what's great about this is if I start bombing over here I can just have fuck this how are you guys doing are you liking this oh yeah I wish I could have seen that no and it was awesome and it was it was like built in the 1950s so everyone from Frank Sinatra Sammy Davis Jr the doors yeah the who when they still had Keith Moon I was standing on the stage going fucking Keith Moon was on the stage Jim Morrison was on

the stage and when I was up there halfway through it I realized how he meant Dell I'm not 100% positive of this did this stand-up special when I was a kid that really uh stuck with me as far as like his interaction with the crowd and his bits and how funny he was and he was silly but he was really good at using the f-word he was really good at cursing and um like he had a couple of classic ones like you know he was really like manic he was like what's your name what's your name what's your name I asked you three fucking times you know he would do shit like that and he had the one where the down that special was the one where he was wearing the suspenders and he bent over doing some bit in the on the back they came off and it literally went up in the air and landed on top of his

curly hair and the whole crowd laughed when he stopped he says wait a minute he goes what the fuck just happened and the place went crazy and uh like he was fucking destroying and um I don't know just years later all of a sudden you're there was was one of the coolest nights uh I mean that's right up there with with I mean Carnegie was Carnegie but that one was like I love that shit just like going to an old uh sports stadium you know what I mean and going oh that's where the Red Sox choked you know all the old stadiums was where the Red Sox chokes all the new ones are better except for last year with that fucking chicken and beer and the goddamn you know yeah you could have played for the Red Sox last year in September they were getting hammered and they were eating

like chicken wings and shit not being racist I know this is Black History Month I didn't really mean it that way when you time you bring up chicken around a black person like it gets all fucking weird like we all don't eat it I don't get that um we went to Frank Pepe's pizza yeah so how was Frank Pepe's fucking insane so it really is because you kept going on and on about this place as well as be the best that's what I heard America yeah America yeah and it really lived up to the hype yeah okay it was insane and one of the ones that we got was this one that had clam clam yeah which I was I would thought would have thought was disgusting was like one of the signature ones it was fucking delicious the next time I go there I would I would definitely

get their classic plain like they don't have a sauce they fly in like an organic tomato like tomatoes from Italy and they just crush it on the top of it and put it near it's insane it's the thinnest goddamn crust then there's another place down the street and that's the one that allegedly Sinatra used to order from so I don't know so it was sick it was like this little strip in New Haven it's called Frank Pepe's PEP um apostrophe s uh if you're ever driving down in New York or just live anywhere near there you got to check it out I would definitely suggest going there like we did on like a Wednesday afternoon or Thursday afternoon because there's nobody there because uh on the weekends it looks like Bon Jovi's playing there in Jersey um speaking of which I

got to get to some sort of advertising here uh I almost called you Cleo wow all right let's start with Gamefly.com everybody do you play video games sure we all do Gamefly is the video rental system that delivers video games to your door we'll deliver those sons of bitches right to your door who likes that better than gamers right you're sitting there with your legs falling asleep you're finishing your game right you order it up like Howard Hughes they bring it right to you and now to your PC games right to your PC all right I don't know how much easier this has to be Gamefly has over 8,000 titles to choose from and works with every system out there and Monday morning podcasts get a 15 day free trial oh

that's right 15 days 15 days of free games I almost said 15 days 15 days of free games two weeks uh by going to www.gamefly.com slash burr b ur r uh give it a try it saves you money no late fee no late fees how the hell does that work yeah keep it as long as you want you know just whatever you think about giving it back mails directly to your house again you get a free 15 day trial you go to uh gamefly.com slash burr and um start playing the video game hey guys do me a favor if you if you if you're playing one that you really like um you know I fly a lot and I I kind of you know I did that one time when I flew to uh Australia I played Tetris like for eight hours straight and I was just having the time of my life because I hadn't seen this is one like

those old school games first started coming back um and I was like it just took me back to the arcade when you go down there and your parents didn't want you to hang down at the arcade because that's with a riff ref you know at least in my little white town that's where they were at and um yeah bullying kids for quarters yeah so if you guys you know if you stumble on to one now just know that the last one that I played was Grand Theft Auto part three and um I don't um what are you looking at nothing why are you turning on my phone over there and just because I was that you were talking about games and I wanted to download a free game onto your iPhone that I'm obsessed with right now that you will love how did you get a passcode on your iPhone I need to

you just you just put it in there okay I mean I didn't even I was watching at a buddy's house I was watching the nix game yesterday and he's like you should have your phone locked in case you lose it then someone can't call it and I was like all right but now it's like a pain in the ass because I set it down for two seconds because I have it on immediately immediately um so when we get off the air I gotta give you my passcode card because I just realized what if I do a face plant and you don't have your cell phone are you low on juice honey can you hear me what is your passcode those aren't numbers um oh also we have a new advertiser for this week and I cannot say enough about this product um for hockey players out there you know what it's really fucking rude

that you're playing with my phone as I'm trying to whore myself out over here it's really fucking distracting you were doing your thing I thought I could just do it quietly over here in the corner okay all right go on go on my damn phone you love this product so please yes um as as you people know I took up playing hockey in the wonderful month of august in 2010 I got all this stuff out there right fall down I feel like I'm landing on you know I got all the equipment so when I fall down in the ice in the air it feels like I'm landing on a mattress it's phenomenal when I first started playing all I had was the helmet and the gloves and you know you remember that like three days later I would wake up and I look like somebody beat me with a bamboo reed okay I would have like those

just those bruises somebody hit me with a stick yes yes but but the only thing that sucks since then is the only thing that hurts is it's nothing worse than taking a puck off your skate fucking kills I can't even it's indescribable pain it's like stubbing your toe times 9,000 all right and they actually said if you take a slap shot at 100 miles an hour to your foot it's like getting shot in the foot with a 22 caliber yeah so it's always like why isn't there any sort of protection down there well somebody's finally done it skatefender.com um they actually sent me a pair of these things they had these little plastic guards they're clear plastic you put them on 19 out of the 30 NHL teams already have players wearing them and actually tried them out the

other day because I was concerned like I'm already slow enough I don't need to be adding weight to my feet you can't even tell they're on they they weigh as much as socks you can't even tell and if you get hit with with the puck I swear to god it feels like get hit in the shin I mean it's like you know you got hit but you barely feel it and you can keep playing and so anyways all the NHL guys are starting to wear them I'm telling you this company is going to blow up if I could invest in it I would because this is one of the ones either Nike or Reebok is going to buy it out because it's brilliant like uh I was saying 11% of all injuries in hockey are foot related so you're taking that off the table I mean think about that like for most of us our NHL dream is

over and you got a real job I don't know about you guys but I don't need to take one to the foot and the next night go limping out on stage with one loafer and a clown shoe on you know what I mean it makes no sense put them on go be the first guy to have them out there and you watch because everyone's going to be like what are you a fag right and then they're going to take one of the foot and they're going to be crawling off the ice and you're going to take one you're going to keep going all right and then eventually they're all going to be wearing I mean you'd be like dude I called it what did I say so this is what you do you go to scapefender.com um they got two different they got the uh they got one that are like 69.99 and they got ones that are 79.99 definitely spend

the extra 10 bucks it's totally worth it I know you're like oh that's kind of a lot of money can you put a price on your foot you know do you want to be that old person hobbling down the street with that little metal half a cage that those people walk with I used to play hockey get off my property you don't want to do it if you still want to be able to cross check somebody with your goddamn cane when you're in your 90s I recommend these things and that's all you do you go to scapefender.com and um click on the size that you want and when you get to the page where it says apply the coupon you just type in my name Bill Burr no spaces all lowercase B I L L B U R R and that's it and order them up and uh that's it you know I guarantee anybody's ever taken a puck to the foot is gonna

is gonna wear them unless there's some macho moron and they'll take one more hit and they'll be like all right you know what I think I'm gonna wear those all right let's get back to the comedy um what do I want to talk about oh here's something too uh I bought this any acdc fans out there this is just gonna sound like a back-to-back commercial but this isn't uh Mark Evans the original bass player for acdc I've been listening to these people since you were about two years old and uh I always wondered like what happened to the first guy that's always been like the first bass player and that's always been like my question whenever I watch behind the music you'll see some huge band and they'll just be like you know the guitarist had a baby and decided

to quit the band you know and that's when jimmy page joined and I always used to think what the fuck ever happened to that other guy you know and I actually wrote a movie script about it and I couldn't make it funny enough and then years later that dude with the part down the middle did a movie that was essentially what I was trying to write are you still with me on the podcast you're reading the book so anyways Mark Evans Mark Evans the original bass player for acdc wrote a book called dirty deeds it's already in paperback I know it's been out probably since the ending of last year I'm tearing through this book it's a whole new perspective on the band and it's also like as he's really honest and he kind of shows like there's a couple I'm not

gonna ruin the book but there's a couple things he writes he goes yeah no note to people who are in bands I'll just say one thing that he said if you have a bad show and you're having the band meeting right after the show a good thing don't be the first guy in the band to leave because the finger pointing is gonna start and if you're not there to defend yourself it's gonna it's gonna come on to you but like he has a couple chapters in there Nia if I can just get you to look at me at this point I just I just read a letter that uh bond Scott bond Scott real fans yeah yeah yeah and what I love about that that's the exact same sort of dirtbag shit that you do on facebook and myspace but it didn't exist back then so you actually had to sit down and write a letter

he's like send me a photo get one of those polaroid cameras all you need is a polaroid and a friend and he said I can't wait for those bikini pics preferably less yeah I can't wait for the three was it the three minute kiss then how about a three hour fuck yeah right there if that doesn't sell the book it's called uh it's called dirty deeds and if somebody knows Mark Evans if I ever go to uh melbourne or whatever the hell he's living at I got it I got it I got some free tickets for him without a doubt um I always put that out there I put I put it out there for rick flair I'm hope one of these times one of these legends is gonna show up but I'm all the way up to the chapter where he's about ready to get fired and I actually read a little bit of it and it's

absolutely like you just like this guy's like really describes like like the power of of acdc when he talks about like they used to start their set with that song live wire um and how like he would just be playing the bass line and then Malcolm would start playing the guitar and then when phil and angus kicked in like they would just blow the roof off the place in front of like like 20 people and then when you're really into a band like that's the big thing like oh my god I wouldn't I wish I saw them before they hit and he describes that period in the book like you know from a guy being like as far as I know Angus Malcolm none of them have ever read a book written a book so to finally hear a guy talk about what is it like when you're when you're in that band and

it just fucking lifts off like that he said like their record label guy when he first saw him when they went to london when when angus and uh phil Rudd kicked in during that song like his fucking jaw was on the ground like oh my god this is gonna be these guys are gonna be fucking huge and I remember talking to somebody who worked for arismith and when acdc opened up for him like joe perry was going nuts watching him and he was hitting steven going watch he was actually like the second or third now he's gonna do the he called it the frying the bacon thing we saw acdc you know when he lays on the ground yeah and what kills it he doesn't miss a note and like I guess joe perry was like freaking out and you know was just saying these guys are gonna be fucking huge

and they got that new dvd out that I've been talking about that jim brewer was telling me about going I was like yeah I'm gonna watch it and jim goes no you have to come over my fucking house in surround sound and you have to sit there in the dark and you have to watch this shit so great yeah he's all dude he he's got a new he's got a new 90 minutes set does not curse once and kills as hard as he's ever killed yeah like it's like some I can't even describe like when we were on the antisocial network tour together last last year it was really it was really inspiring I mean I'm always going to stick to my filthy guns it just is who I am but I have unbelievable amount of respect for the fact that that heat that he's doing that because I'm like that guy

is he's gonna have that this second wave of jim brewers the shit on top of the original wave and he's gonna go great person yeah he's gonna go to a whole another uh you know you're gonna be going to like a buffalo sabers game and they're gonna be also you know high you know hyping the upcoming jim brewer show that's my prediction all right and with that let's get to the letters for this week um last week you know I was bitching about valentine's day you know I always tease you about you know how we go out to celebrate our relationship except I pay by the way how how much fun was it going out on the 12th it was really nice it was great yeah doing that from now on right it was the nice quiet yeah romantic yeah there was none of the hype we went to a really nice

place I'm not gonna lie it wasn't actually cheap but I can't imagine what that would have caught we would have been standing outside oh yeah you know you and your little glitter dress looking at the other girls and their glitter dress is going do you like my glitter dress as much as hers I should have got mine in poofy shoo shoo colors um so anyways so I've been bitching about the ladies on this thing right like what do you guys do and they're talking about this steak in a blow job day yes yes yes yes all right I like it I'll tell you when you're in heaven when not only can they no I can't say it yeah when when they're when they're proficient in both of those categories because there's a lot of people out there they're gonna say all right steak in a blow job day and

one of them isn't gonna be up to snuff and there is there is a prevailing attitude amongst women that they are just automatically good in bed because they're there and there's the prevailing attitude that men don't know what's going on we don't know what's going where anything is we're just happy to be it's a privilege which is why this lady says the valentine's day this is this is from a lady she said hey bill I heard what you were saying about women and valentine's day and how we don't buy our men gifts and we expect the whole day to be about us well here's what I did for my husband uh by the way I'm honestly not trying to sell you anything he goes I she goes I bought him the liberator wedge ramp combo set uh what's that you might ask I actually know about this from the

opian anthony show they refer to it as a bedroom as bedroom adventure gear it's a set of cushions designed to help you achieve more positions during sex as well as deeper penetration so no we didn't go out to dinner no stupid cards were exchanged we simply stayed home and fucked all night so choke on that you douchebag I love you bill go fuck yourself I like this girl yeah but you know what's funny about that yes she's patting herself on the back she bought something for herself it's for both of them no it isn't what do you mean it isn't it isn't what is she gonna do with it without him I don't need deeper penetration that's for you that is we'll see again that's that's the difference what is the difference she know they I'm not saying that the guys don't satisfy their women properly

that they that their dick isn't big enough I'm not talking about that I'm talking about how she's patting herself on the back like she went out and bought this guy the NFL package for next season like she actually went out and bought something for him she didn't at the very least she bought something for them but the real thing about that that's for the woman so he can hit it at that angle that you like so he can hit your spot so he can get in there deeper guys you don't appreciate that no I'm not saying I don't appreciate it and I'm not saying it's not a great invention but what I'm saying is she's acting as though like this was some sort of a sacrifice that she basically bought him something that would get her better dick and she's patting herself on the back for

it's fucking ridiculous I think it's clever it is clever because she's acting as though she did something but she didn't see this is that this is the thing about that is the genius of women is you guys act like sex doesn't feel good for you too you act like you you guys allowing us to have sex with you like you don't want it and like this is like you like waxing a floor and it's just a big fucking pain in the ass you know she got something that that is like celebratory of their relationship as opposed to like the typical dinner it's like it's about our intimacy it's about our connection so why don't we get something that will enhance that yeah but this is the thing I got to go out and buy you like some necklace or some do I get to wear it I gotta take you out to dinner

celebrate and I pay for the whole fucking thing it's all about the guy going out spending money on you getting you shit that you want and it's the pressures for the guy to show his love to you oh I know a white guy who can dunk a basketball all right let's stop talking about the exceptions I'm talking about the fucking rule here all right okay you know what I'm saying yes I do okay all all right there we go yeah tapping out fucking tapping out why why why do women act like sex doesn't feel good to them why do you why do you why do you guys I can't answer that can you please talk into the microphone I'm not like that so I don't know I couldn't tell you you don't have any insight I can't keep this going all right but I don't really know women

that are like oh god it's such a chore like maybe in the next 10 years when I was out when I was making women will be complaining about that I don't know but well when I was making fun of Valentine's Day this weekend some girl in the crowd was going like you know what I said well what did you do for it and she goes she he got to hit this and points to herself yeah it's ridiculous yeah what can I just show up and be like hey you get to suck this lady never this this is yeah never you never get to do that right I don't know this is what it is this is what it is if guys could ever stop being such fucking sluts and giving it away that's why women women don't respect dick is because it's so easy for him to get it if you'd stop giving it away if you if

every guy would just start the day and fucking rub one out right world would be a lot more peaceful at least until two in the afternoon by then your balls fill up again start getting competitive why is his cubicle bigger than mine I mean what I'm saying here it's just it's you know what it is it's just one of those things that balances it out right I can choke slam you on the floor and you can cut off the sex and that balances out but it's illegal for me to hit you but for some reason it's not illegal for you to cut off the sex and that right there people is what's known as the tip and point and that's how you lose you have beautiful cheeks slap um non-relationship advice okay bill I need your help I've been making how do you say that that looks like satan

it's a chinese american dish satan thanks nia thanks no satan that looks like bonjour bonjour no satan I thought they used it in vegan dishes all right from scratch uh for some time now it's calls for soy flour but I think that I may have an allergy to soy I've been substituting chick pea flour for a while but the consistency is a little off any help would be great yeah why don't you just go with regular old white flour that your body can't process nothing takes better than fucking real sugar white flour you know don't drink diet soda just drink less wait a minute first of all this is more like a like a like a chef person could help them out with this yeah that's what's funny about this nia you just totally I'm not a chef I was just probably to

tell him what the fuck to do with it I was on my way to saying mozzarella sticks here and you're like wait a minute but you don't know anything about this sorry any help would be greatly appreciated ladies and gentlemen once again once again a female showing their comedy instincts oh fuck you I know it's a big tragedy it's a big tragedy how people view women in comedy and it's all guys fault it has nothing to do with the thousands of horrific sets leave it alone come on nia suddenly I'm look at it doesn't look at empathy sometimes empathy helps sometimes it doesn't help I'm just talking about a stand-up and I think there's a bunch of hilarious people out there Chelsea Peretti is one of my favorites yay Chelsea fucking hilarious we love

Chelsea Peretti one of my favorite bits the last five years when she said she was she was a fat guy comedian I asked her about about the other days they said they edited out of her special which sucks why because that's what editors do they're like what makes this awesome remove it um I'm just saying if somebody said white guys can't dance am I really gonna get mad at that am I really not gonna honestly look at myself and admit that I'm part of the problem that I'm not one of those people you know if I ever wanted to become a better dancer just let that roll around your head without laughing right if ever wanted to be a better dancer nia what what would what would make me a better dancer to go out and fucking learn how to do it

and do the work or for them to lower the fucking standards uh yeah yeah I want to lower the standards pull yourself up by your fucking bootstraps and bring it and bring it move on move on no I'm not saying that they don't get fucked and that there's not it's not unfair but like this whole straight across the board thing where people think that they're ready to be on shit that they're not ready to like really you're the next one in line you know all right whatever from argentina another one from argentina argentina is a great uh is a great country men what this is what happens when people write in a second language but I can't give a shit here you will find the reason why the acdc crowd was so incredible they sent a link the reason is that argentinians in general are soccer fans but

but insanely fan not funny I don't know I can't even read this I just read this in an accent soccer fans sex desire or performance is directly proportionate to their correspondent team performance in the league oh so if your team leagues you loses you don't even want to fuck or do you hate fuck your woman and blame the loss on her it's crazy but it's true in the video you will see the entrance of the team to the field each sunday the majority of the argentinian teams have an entrance like that because people are fucked up in an I can't even read this one of your podcasts you mentioned where you find a good steak steak spelt like I want to kill a fucking vampire here in argentina we have the best meat in the world it's insane the meat quality

I've had the possibility to travel to many countries and I've never tasted better meat than here is like the cheese for the french or the tacos for the mexicans I guess that you imagine aren't argentina like if we live in the sand hunting for our food like national geographic no I don't you cunt no I don't see that works both ways they always say americans are ignorant you know what I mean you guys are ignorant you're like their whole fucking idea of us is ignorant is ignorant of us like first of all like you guys are fucking brilliant like I'm gonna go down to argentina and everybody's gonna be looking through a telescope and it's gonna be proficient in like calculus give me a fucking break you're just like me all right you're trying to get a sandwich you're trying

to get laid you're doing what the fuck I'm doing all right I'm done reading this I get it you guys are fucking awesome fans and I would like to go down there I would like to learn your language and I would like to have your fucking Kobe beef okay they do those like those argentine restaurants other ones or they just keep bringing you racks and racks and racks of meat yeah I don't like that sure I don't know what the word I don't I first of all I never feel worthy of eating like that like I just conquered some castle yeah like you're a king yeah yeah I don't like that that's that's one of those things they bring around all the meat and it's just like a you know a meat non-stop treason bobby used to go up to that one right up the street yeah and they absolutely

loved it I've never been to any of those restaurants yeah I was never into that that style like I don't know I would just rather just have like the one steak yeah I eat too much when I go there the guy comes up it's like the three musketeers you know and they come up and roast beef ham and fucking something else I will have all of that bring on the winches um all right blasted a girl in the face and self-defense need advice all right let's first see if this was self-defense oh Jesus here we go hey bill I need your help I punch my best I punched people can you proof read your shit hey bill I need your help I punch best friends girl I have passed six months is this another guy from Argentina this better be a second fucking language

people are you I've actually found someone dumber than I am I have passed six months for the past six months I've lived with my three best friends until one of them decided to move and move their girlfriend who was used to mommy and daddy who was used to mommy and daddy buying her shit in with us all right so you already have an attitude towards her that isn't good at first I was okay with it because it was less money okay so basically he's living in this flat and one of the guys brought the girl in and at first he didn't mind because it was uh it was cheaper but after two weeks she showed a true color she acted like a bitch that traded periods with blue whale this is definitely a second language uh is this from Borat um she complains

that the food we bought was too cheap or the living room furniture was too cheap and tacky looking that was not the worst her and her best friend argued non-stop from morning to night or would have loud drunk makeup sex oh that's her and the boyfriend uh the most horrible thing uh she would do was if one of her roommates would tell her about herself she would tell her best friend and then oh tell her something about herself what the fuck is with these emails this week anyways so this girl's annoying him he puts up with it until the super bowl night my condolences by the way thank you go fuck yourself if you're not serious uh every everyone had left the place because there was a campus party and I did not want to go uh this is when the problem happened

about a half about a halftime show the girlfriend walks in shithouse with about four of her friends this is an american rightness I stand corrected we are stupid uh they sit in a den with me being loud as shit then they all start singing along to Madonna during the halftime show I just want to take a beer bottle and jam it in my ears just before the second half is start I informed them that I want that if they want to stay they have to shut the fuck up the girl makes a racial comment um towards you I'm assuming I call her a whoring cunt next thing I know she is on me punching me I push her off but she sinks her mr ed teeth in my fucking arm and won't let go so I had no choice but to blast her in the face her friends pick her up and carry it to her to her room and she's

knocked out cold this guy really got you got all of that didn't you you I did you push her away with the forearm that she had the teeth in and then bring her immediately back to your body as you drew your fist back and wham is that how it went down because that's tight quarters if she's biting you um anyways well I rushed to the ER to get eight stitches in my arm Jesus Christ that's amazing to be able to do that with human teeth you know um yeah this is brutal flash forward two weeks and nobody in the house will talk to me then one night I get off work everybody's sitting in the living room with college counselor intervention style they tell me that my girlfriend is scared for her life and I need to go to anger management or I have to move I look at my friends who know me all my life

that I would never hit anybody even a woman unless I had to with disbelief so Bill should I go to anger management to appease them or just ignore her because I'm sure it's how moving out of the house thanks yeah just move out just move out it's it's it's not it's not worth it and chances are everybody all the other roommates know this girl is a psycho too but she's such a psycho that they're like afraid to say anything look when somebody's biting you to the point that you have to get stitches I mean what are you supposed to do no sweetheart sweetheart stop it please yeah and talking to me women should not hit men because it's not it's not uh fair to then if they hit you back to get upset you shouldn't you shouldn't be doing now this is by the way this is if all if

everything he said was true if she didn't say something racial yeah um so if everything you're saying is true uh I would just I would just move out yeah just just get away it's a it's a it's a bad situation walk away be glad that she didn't fucking call the cops on you and you didn't get arrested they always gotta they always gotta get the last it could have it could have been worse just just move out just move out quietly don't have any contact with that guy and his girlfriend anymore don't hang out with them if they're gonna be if they if everyone's hanging out and they're gonna be there don't go just don't do it you know what's annoying me with this you know what's annoying me with this is if it went down the way this guy said it went down this girl got what she

deserved and someone like this the last thing they can ever handle in life is when they get something that they deserve so right now so what she has to do is she has to get another the final blow you know I'm gonna get you in trouble I'm gonna tell on you I mean you're gonna go to anger management and you're you have to go through the pain in the ass of having to move and then she's gonna sit there all cunty as he moves out like doing that shit yeah and it's making me want to hit her and I just just move out because it could have been worse because if she had gotten you arrested that would have been the whole other thing here's a good one should I kick my neighbor's ass uh yes generally speaking we're gonna go with yes uh hey bill love the

podcast no that's east coast okay that's why people bitch where the fuck is a podcast I need some advice on what to do about the guy this guy lives in a few houses down for me I'm a third year college student and I live at home my parents moved to go live in the state above mine you mean north and I currently reside uh alone while they are trying to sell the house a few months ago I was driving home coming back from a gym and while I was driving in my neighborhood I saw this guy step in the middle of the road about 20 yards from my car he was yelling something at me but I couldn't hear what he was saying I slowed down and stopped my car right in front of him and he came to my window and told me to get out I was totally confused and thought I'd run over

I thought I ran over his cat or something also I think he just moved in because I never seen the dude in my life so I rolled down the window and asked what did you say he goes I'm gonna kick your fucking ass get out of the car this guy's probably in his 40s and asked to be around 510 is that is this me 250 pounds that's not me I'm 21 6300 I do crossfit and I wrestle occasionally at another gym I go to so I get out of the car and I'm standing there trying to figure out what the hell is going on the guy starts moving towards me so I take the initiative and take a step towards him we end up being an inch from each other and he's trying to do some alpha male shit by just staring at me but I have the height advantage so I'm looking down

at him at least 10 seconds go by before the guy goes how fast do you think you were going back there I say I don't know probably around 30 the speed limit my neighborhood is 20 and I know I wasn't going that much over then he goes I'm not going to have my children playing in the yard if I know assholes like you are driving like that in the neighborhood after he said that I saw his wife and son were a little off to the side of the road once the word asshole left his mouth I was fucking pissed I wanted to just tackle the dick and put him to sleep in front of his wife and kid to teach him a lesson but I pussied out and just apologized to him and said that I was really sorry sorry and it wouldn't happen again the guy then gives me a fucking little smirk

and turns around and says while walking away with his back turn it better not or you know what will happen oh yeah you definitely should have kicked his ass you should have kicked his ass yeah what a fuck did you realize yeah what a good do you realize what this kid did he's such a fucking gentleman he could have kicked the fucking shit out of this guy he saw his wife and kid there it would have been a masculinity his dad is superman he sits there you notice it's that little smirk yeah that fucking smirk I bet that cunt steals from work yeah I bet he does sorry dude that's the first time I literally had to walk away you fucking cunt yeah you should have kicked that guy's ass but it's a good you know I suppose it's good that you didn't do it but because you

weren't the bigger person as they say but he definitely has a comment this then he writes now after that that shit I wanted to explode I mean the guy totally disrespect me so I get in my car and drive off end of story wrong I couldn't get this fucking guy out of my head I do I can't get out of my head I'm gonna actually fantasize that I was there and he did that what I would want to do I've already you know I would fucking do I would wait till he was alone don't do this shit don't do this but I know what you just want to get up get the guy alone and be like hey what are you gonna do now huh what are you gonna do now just get right in his fucking grill and have him back down yeah or I I would almost just say to the guy say hey listen man just call

him over the car and just say listen I just wanted you to know the other day that if I wanted to I could have fucking stuffed you in my trunk tied you up like a fucking pretzel and ass raped you in front of your fucking wife but I chose not to okay because I didn't want your son to know what a little fucking I can't say it pussy he has for that wouldn't have been homophobic either I wouldn't mean me talking about gay people that's such a fucking pussy move yeah and if for some reason but but I'm but I'm no then that's what you say maybe do it like colombo just say listen man I gotta ask you something because I'm six foot three I crossfit I wrestle okay and just looking at you I know I could tie into a pretzel I know I could do it

if I wanted to but the confidence you had I just want to know what what is your background you know because you know I'm a real competitive guy you know if you got some sort of martial arts training you know I would love to have you once we don't you come down to the gym sometime when your wife and kid aren't there so I don't have to feel guilty when I fuck you up and close both your eyes with this one and his friend over here what is the rest of the thing say I don't even need to read it it's not but it's not over though I know because this is what's happening now this is what happens when you do the right thing in life okay when you know it eats away at you you have to make peace you have to make peace and you and you got to tell yourself

the lie that someday this guy is going to get his and you know what he doesn't guys like this don't get theirs oh that's smart I can this kid this kid really painted a fucking picture I can this is driving me nuts he goes I couldn't get this guy out of my head a week went by and I was still thinking about that asshole dude I would think about this guy 20 years from now two weeks later I was driving home from school and I see the guy rolling his garbage can out to the curb I slow down to fucking under 20 and I know this because I look down on my speedometer I pretend to stare the guy down so I look at him and he looks at me and yells slow down wow now when he said that I am fucking raging I wanted to stop my car and do some ground and pound on his face yeah this kid knows

what he's doing this isn't wrestling like this kid's doing UFC shit but did I know I just drove off like a fag the next day I talked to my friend about it about what had happened and he said that this guy said the same shit to him if he said he would have put him on his ass I know you do you know what I would have done he told me that if he says he's going to kick your ass then that's a threat so you can defend yourself don't listen to your dumb friend he's saying you won't get arrested so a few months have passed and I'm still thinking about this asshole every time I drive by his house fast forward uh to yesterday and I'm I'm biking in my neighborhood listen to an eye hop and I hear a honk from behind me so I pull my bike over to the side of the road and it's none other than the

same dude in his Ford f-150 driving along and he looks at me and gives me the middle fucking finger wow now granted I was in the middle of the road and didn't hear the guy coming because I was listening to music but still the middle finger so I bike home take a shower and try to convince myself to walk over the dude's house and confront him but after a couple minutes of pacing I just decided to wait it out until the asshole does one more thing I mean I don't want to get arrested so my question is what the hell should I do I mean every time I drive by this guy's house now I want to fucking veer off the road and ram my car into the middle of his living room any advice would be good uh all of my friends think I should go over there but I want a second opinion um

you can't do anything to this guy unless he puts his hands on unless he puts his hands on you this is just one of these things but you can do to him what he's doing to you this guy has an insane temper so uh you know I'm not advocating legally so you don't do this but like um I don't know what I would next time you know if you see him out in the yard or something this is what you do I have a great idea do you have any friends who are really good mechanically um why don't you take your credit card out go down to the fucking auto store or whatever go online and buy like one of those fucking train horns and have it installed in your car and next time you drive down the street just be sort of zigzagging down the street just to get

this guy to be fucking you know getting all like what the fuck and the second he starts screaming you lay on that fucking horn as loud as humanly possible and you blow out his eardrums that's what I would but then again then no one would do shit like this he would say that I have permanent hearing damage you know what I think you should do maybe because I'm a female and I'm all about psychological psychological warfare what should you what should he do I think when the husband is not home I don't know how if he knows his schedule whatever he needs to go over there when the wife is at home and be like listen you know I'm so sorry about that time that I was speeding I really you know but your your husband seems really upset I'm really not trying to be like that I would never

do anything like that and women are like oh no no no because she knows her husband is a psycho and like I mean she could turn around and be like yeah you shouldn't do that either but I have a feeling she's not like that and he can just go over and just make nice and be like the sweet kid that's helping out and oh do you need me to take the barrels out he needs vengeance and then but then I feel like maybe that would fuck with the husband and he's like sitting there sipping tea with the the wife and oh look who came over he just wanted to apologize in person and you know I don't know I don't know it's a great thing to do is there's and then fuck the wife there you go no no no he should fuck his wife he should fuck his wife he should play with his

kid in the backyard like toss the football around with him be more like you know that's the thing rather he never had you can't do there's nothing like just start giving him the finger listen this is the deal all you gotta do is just give him the finger give him the finger right back because uh this guy thinks you're a bitch right now so all you gotta do is you know you can just yell back just say you know just give him the finger yell back at him when he's in the driveway I would like swerve at him and then swerve back just fuck with the guy he's not I mean just do that once because the next time you might have like a video camera but um uh I just don't want to get any I don't get any you know what if I was in that situation uh dude you know what I would do

yeah oh Monday morning quarterback look well I was in that situation with that other guy right yeah at the last place we lived and I didn't fuck with him because he was an old guy I just didn't fuck with him and now we found out he has dementia and all this shit so I'm psyched I never yelled at the guy you know what you do now you know what's what really diffuses angry guys like that or makes them even more angry is just laugh at him just keep laughing at him laugh at him give him the finger and just keep calling him tough guy all right there tough guy anything anything you just keep calling him anything that is remotely all right there Chuck Norris anything you want to say to this guy that will bait him into hitting you this is a really a fuck this is a great question

and I don't want to get in trouble if some shit goes down so you shouldn't do anything sir wink wink wink um this guy's such a dick I I know I always say you know fucking with somebody's car is like a pussy move but this guy's such a dick and he has like such a uh oh my god dude how many times you thought about throats just choke slamming that guy around into the hood of your car repeatedly when you said I can stuff you into my trunk bend you like a pretzel and ass rape you in front of nobody if you just said it really calmly if you said it calmly with sort of a smile on your face you come off like a fucking maniac yeah that's true if you scream that at somebody you just sound like you're quoting like you know hulk hogan or something right let me tell you something brother

come this Saturday I'm gonna bend you into a pretzel and ass rape you all right overrated underrated underrated female friends I just broke up with my get them with my lady my girlfriend she was a great woman but she didn't live in my city and there was some other issues and it was not the right fit even though I was completely honest and open this girl once I knew it was over I broke up with her the nicest way I could nevertheless it's hard to walk away from an otherwise great girlfriend and I totally felt guilty about it when I mentioned this to some of my guy friends they were like oh sorry bro bummer let's go get drinks which was nice in its own way but women I am friends with in my life immediately looked in on me and showered me with the degree

of validation support and encouragement without ever questioning my decision yeah I would think at one of them would at least give you a handy I was their friend so whatever I did was right and I was automatically an awesome person it was a little disorienting because I felt like they were they weren't really looking at any of the circumstances or the lodges behind my decision but it felt really good wow that guy just generally likes the company of females I thought it was gonna come around and then they felt bad for me and one of them blew me you need female friends man all right overrated female friends um I don't know what it is about females that are uh that they are programmed to behave in a way that

that grants their friends blanket validations without question or hesitation it's called loyalty but uh oh come on you guys don't you guys have loyalty in certain areas come on yeah no but all right well what are you talking about yeah come on I know a lot of women who say I don't have any female friends I can't hang out with women they're too petty and blah blah blah I don't like those women those women suck I don't know any guys who go I don't have any guy friends I find them too petty they're childish yada yada yada I know guys that are like them they don't they prefer hanging out with girls because like because they want to fuck them no because they like talking about stuff and whatever and like doing activities

they don't just want to you know I I've heard this from a straight man who do you know like that I know a straight guy like that like all his friends are chicks and they kind of do that whole blanket oh everything you do is awesome oh I can't believe that person broke up with you it's so sad let me take care of you oh he's a mama's boy I'm talking about a guy talk about guys I would say he's a guys guy now he isn't no I would say that he is guys guys don't just hang out with women they don't well maybe he's not a guys guy yeah but he's definitely like a masculine guy you wouldn't take him for no I'm not saying he's gay I'm just saying he's like a mama's boy grew up around women maybe probably doesn't like when probably probably doesn't like ball breaking probably finds

that childish uh yes actually yeah exactly mama's boy okay um he's not good at it and he always loses and then he gets mad he gets mad and his ears turn red and everybody makes fun of it I feel like I'm on the playground let me go hang out with with you know all these women who replace my mommy let me guess does he like to cook too um but if this is yes yeah see I know this guy all right but if this is uh what their support network looks like I'm getting back to this thing it all of a sudden made a lot more sense to me that this is how girls rationalize and perpetuate horrific decisions that make no rational sense if I had a nickel for every time I was a victim of chick logic I would have a huge goddamn pile of nickels on the other hand I would make a

lot more terrible decisions too if every time I made one of my group of if every time I made one every one of my group of friends validated me uh thank you to my guy friends for calling me out of my bullshit um so let's say there's a guy he sees he sees uh he sees both sides of it yeah we definitely lead with sympathy rather than well what what was your part in this whole thing we definitely end with with shit talkery when shit talkery when they leave the room um hey I just realized I have a couple more reads I have to do uh um amazon.com has been a great thing um I don't know if you heard about this Nia if you're gonna go to you do it too if you're gonna go to amazon.com not saying you have to Nia there's no pressure this is the low pressure sale but if you're if

you're gonna go there and buy some stuff uh just go to billbird.com click on the podcast page and you click on the little amazon link I've already done it you've already done it I have and it's easy and you can do it too you click on it and then you go there and if you want to buy something you buy it all right and I'll get credit they give me a little kickback and 10% of it I send to the wounded warriors project how great is that great organization hey and by the way where I'm actually I'm doing my special in uh DC coming up and my publicist we're trying to uh hook up some of the troops out there yeah some of the wounded warriors that's a great idea but I'm gonna try to make it over to Walter Reed and some of those places bring some DVDs who's bringing a little Christmas in

March I am um yeah so please it's a it's a great cause it really is a great cause and something that you know it's just one of those things it's like it's like rescue dogs you just you can't mess with that like why wouldn't you go down there and help out at all you know that I just compare human beings to rescue dogs I'm the worst I'm just saying it's just something that you can't you can't fuck with that yeah we gotta take care of our people that are that are going over there for us we just whatever your feelings are about that whole war on terror you don't oversell it Nia I'm just saying we know what to do we gotta support our men and women over there it's it's hard over there who among us would do what they do exactly not me I'm sitting here in pajama bottoms it's

almost 11 in the morning huh I am the furthest thing from a hero you look up anti hero in the dictionary is a picture of me with my pajama bottoms on all right stamps dot com everybody this site is blowing up um do you hate going to the post office sure we all do even going down to buy stamps even using their automated machine you always end up behind some guy who's got to figure out how to weigh his package I don't know what I'm doing you know freddy 12 fingers trying to figure out how to do it well this is the deal stamps dot com he signed up with these guys they send you a scale they give you all this paper you can print out stamps at home if you're sitting there I gotta mail something ooh I need stamps it's a mere click away at stamps dot com I printed

out all these stamps I've mailed dvds I'm weighing my stuff all right it's awesome I wear a little mr. McFeely speedy delivery hat no I love it and I'm a grumpy old man who does not like progress ah this used to be a ham store um I love stamps up to these steps they had stores that just sold ham I'm sorry I just thought of a big thing a ham that used to be the ham store you went in there how much ham you want I don't want roast beef um anyways with stamp spot dot com as I said you can buy and print official us postage using your own computer and printer you can print stamps and shipping labels for any letter of package because they give you that scale the instant you need it uh then the mailman comes to your house and they pick it up you'll never

have to go to the post office again phenomenal um whatever I'm a busy guy I don't like going down there you know me yeah I'm on the road all the time last thing I want to do is get in a car and go on another damn journey I want to sit here and my boxer briefs pay the man and go right back to tv and play a couple of games that I got at gamefly.com and then put your scape fender escape protectors on and go down to the right that's right so right I'm going to be like the stock car guy you know they they start putting the hats on yeah um but listen to this we got a special offer right now if you go to stamps.com um this is a special offer for my listeners only they use the last name burr burr for a no risk trial plus you get a hundred and ten dollar bonus

offer offer that includes a digital scale and fifty five dollars with a free postage 55 bucks that's good yeah that's like three months of postage for the regular person all right won't cost you a damn dime uh so go to the stamps.com before you do anything else click on the radio microphone at the top of the homepage and you type in burr burr to get you 55 dollars in free postages uh plus the hundred and ten dollar bonus oh no that that that's included in it so they give me another fifty five dollars with the stuff and a free uh scale or whatever the hell it is I don't know that's a good deal it's a damn good deal it's a lot of stuff it's a damn good deal and you know what this was a good deal another podcast an hour and 25 minutes an epic

podcast for this week I hope you guys uh that's it is that it for February no this week I will be at the comedy works in Denver and it's coming down to it it's coming down to it and I got this special down and I think it's going to be special do you have a name for it yet uh somebody in uh a good friend of mine for a long time who if I if I name the special I think I'm going to name it this I'm not going to say what it is yet okay because I'm not sold on it all right and I really like it and last thing I want to do is put it out there and everybody goes that's a stupid name I know I know okay well tell me off air uh I'm gonna call it no I'm not gonna say it all right whatever all right that's the podcast for this week uh

go fuck yourselves don't take any shit and uh that guy the dude there with the psycho neighbor I'm telling you just shake your head just laugh at him nothing good is gonna come from actually doing something to that guy I don't think you'll get any satisfaction if you figure out what his insurance deductible is and you keep doing damage to his truck that's just under it I really don't think that you'll get any satisfaction out of this someday you'll feel guilty if you do something like that all right that is the uh wink wink no don't do that I think I think I think you go mental on this guy you can't go physical that's what I would just drive by and I would put the car in neutral as you glide by just beeping the horn hey neighbor

love your truck you putting on weight ah you look adorable I would be the most that's what I would do I would be absolutely obnoxious what if you just loaded up your if he was out in the front yard and you just kept driving back and forth with your friends in the car and just kept driving by his car going he just keep waving at him hey buddy what do you say that chumlee ordered 20 pizzas haven't delivered to his door there's all kinds yeah just fuck with his world no no you will get no satisfaction out of doing that take the high no none what's that mind that jesus christ all right see you choose a second-hand car on instinct or with your understanding

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