Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 2-20-17

Episode Date: February 21, 2017

Bill rambles about old babies, heroes and first degree cuntiness.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday! February 20, 2017. What's going on? How are you? I am recording off of my laptop. This sounds a little bizarre. I'm in New York City. Came in town to do the Patrisso Neil Benefit, the fifth annual Patrisso Neil Benefit. It's going to be going down tomorrow night at the New York City Center. And it should be a great time. As you can tell, I'm a little jet lagged. I took a fucking red-eye last night. And there was this lady. You know what's hilarious? It's when you have a kid, if you actually go on the road. The big thing when you go on the road now is not, you know, not the booze, not the cigars, not hanging out with your friends. It becomes like, holy shit, I'm going to get eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.

So I get on the plane and this woman, not in my row, but the next row over, she had a little baby and it was crying. And the dude next to me fell asleep and started snoring. And I just started laughing. And the poor woman, like she was traveling alone with this baby, right? And it was a baby too, maybe a little bit older than mine. This is my first kid so I can't judge. I don't know if this kid was two, three months. I don't know if it was 26 years old and had that disease that that fucking baby had in the Brad Pitt movie. Remember that? Remember the old baby was just hanging around and, you know, that guy wanted to like bang the chick and he's like, you got to get this old baby out of here because it's weird me out. Which, you know, I'd like to think that that guy later on, once his dick wasn't hard and he was thinking clearly again, he probably was thinking,

you know, I probably shouldn't have said that, you know, I probably shouldn't have trashed that old baby. It was the name of a band I used to play in. Old baby. And, you know, we got a record contract and everything but, you know, Lee Singer got an appendicitis. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. Anyway, so the baby's fucking crying and the poor woman, like she falls asleep and the baby's like freaking out screaming and she can't hear it because she's like, she's fucking exhausted. She's got a baby and she's flying with it and I'm sitting there and I'm watching the thing squirming around and her hands are like not really holding it anymore. So now it's like this situation, like is this lady going to drop that fucking baby? So I'm staring over there. I'm sure other people will look at me thinking I was giving her the evil eye because the baby was crying but I wasn't.

I don't know what the fuck I thought I was going to do because I still had my seatbelt on. My safety first, then a baby's. See that? That's why I'll never be a hero because what a true hero does is he sees danger and without any sort of self and he's safe. You know what I mean? That's to me as a hero. Like if you're in a fucking bank and these guys come in with guns and they go to rob the place and they say we're going to blow everybody's fucking brains out and then you act on that. You're not really a hero to me because at no point in that scenario were you safe. Alright? You were immediately in the situation. So no matter how you slice it, no matter how many fucking people you saved at the end of the day, you were motivated to save your own ass. And everybody else getting saved along with you is, you know, that's just collateral damage. That means positive. But if you're outside the bank, you're like holy shit, I'm out here. I'm eating a bacon egg and cheese sandwich, you know?

Getting ready to go for a run, you know, fuel myself up. You're stretching your fucking hammies and all of a sudden you see, I don't know, you're looking at one of those fucking giant bank windows. You see a robbery going down and then you go in there with your Larry Bird short shorts, right? And fucking try to stop the rob. Then to me, yeah, that's like, you know what I mean? You know that there's like the Hall of Fame and then there's also, you know, people who literally have like their own wing of a Hall of Fame. Yeah, to me, that's like, you know, that's when you get to your own wing. But if you're already in the shit, I don't even remember what the fuck I was talking about, to be honest with you. Yeah, okay. Not a hero, right? So I finally sort of flagged down the stewardess and she goes, yes, you know, what can I get you? And I said, I think, how the fuck did I say? I said, oh, I said, can that baby fall? And she started laughing. Because she thought I was being sarcastic, like I was upset with the baby crying and she thought I meant like can that baby fall on the ground and shut the fuck up. And she was like taking a back, but she also laughed, which to me immediately made her really cool that she could laugh thinking that some guy was just being sarcastic, being like, can that baby please fall on the fucking floor of an airplane, knock itself out so I can get some sleep. And I was like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I mean, I was I'm concerned that it's going to fall. So she kind of went over there to make sure the baby was all right.

I don't know. I'm a changed man. My urge was to go over and hold the baby. What's happened to me becoming a fucking softy? You know, I actually, you know, I told you before I never got mad at babies crying on airplanes because I always felt they would they were just expressing exactly what I was feeling. There's no way to get on an airplane and at some point, you know, unless you're going on some fucking great vacation. But if you're getting on there and you're going back to see the relatives or some business trip or something like that, you know, and you just see some wide body coming down the fucking aisle and you're praying to God, the person's not going to sit next to you. But you know, they got to, you know, something's going to fucking happen. It'd probably be really good for you for your life expectancy if you had access to your emotions that you could just break down crying. God, I would love to see you mentioned get up on a fucking plane and there was just the 300 adults in there just crying like babies. Yeah, that'd probably be a nightmare.

But there's a part of me would think that that was awesome. Anyways, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. So I'm telling this fucking story in the wrong way. I actually yesterday, I did, I presented at a Hollywood awards show. Old freckles, the big fucking phony himself, went all Hollywood, rented a tuxedo, shout out to Mr. Tux on Wilshire Boulevard. I wasn't going to say, yeah, I had to do the present thing and I just sort of wrote something. And I quickly, when I got to the writers guilt thing, I immediately was like, wow, I should have not just written what I'm going to say once. I should have gone over this a bunch of times.

So I just was kind of going over it in my fucking head. And, you know, I thought it was just going to be a bunch of writers, but there was some like actors there and shit. Like Denzel was there and James Woods, it was like, I don't know, there was like serious fucking people there. The thing was, when you go up in front of a bunch of writers, like no matter what they've accomplished, you don't know what they look like. So you can't get nervous. Like someone could literally have been sitting there and they wrote the best picture Oscar winner fucking nine years in a row. Well, nine years, I know what they look like, but whatever, you know, they could accomplish shit like that. You have no fucking idea what they like for the whole night.

They were just pulling people out of the crowd and I would be sitting there going, I don't know who this guy is. And then when they would say what the fuck they did, I was like, Jesus Christ. So with every person they pulled out of the crowd, like, I don't know, I just felt like the pressure was getting more and more. And I just kept muttering to myself, this is it. This is it. One and done. I'm never doing one of these fucking things again. This is not this is not my this is not my thing.

I don't know what the fuck I'm doing here. This is stupid. These people are are smart. They're accomplished. Like, like the shit that, you know, some of the fucking people in the crowd, the stuff that they do, you know, what it takes to write a movie and actually get it made and then get that fucking giant rock up the fucking hill as opposed to me, who just, hey, here's a, here's a shit joke. I think I'll try this, you know, as I'm riding over on the subway to a club. I don't know.

It just kept getting bigger and bigger and bigger and Pat Noiswell hosted it fucking murder. His monologue was great. His monologue was so great. I kind of forgot that I had to go up. I was just sitting there as a fan enjoying it. Fred Armisen was there and he went out and somehow gave his credit card information. That's what he did before he said the nominees and somehow we made that fucking hilarious. And once again, it just made me feel like, why am I here?

I shouldn't be here. So I'm finally waiting to go up and James Woods is giving some sort of lifetime achievement award to Oliver Stone. Thank God this shit wasn't televised. Which is also fucking, somebody made a reference to that. Like nobody works fucking harder than those guys and they won't even put it on TV because nobody knows what they look like, I guess. So he tells the whole fucking story of being best friends with Oliver Stone for 35 years and I have to go on after this shit. And I just, yeah, that's why I just kept thinking. I started looking at my watch the way I used to back in the day when I would do Nooners.

Which is a stand up expression for basically you're doing a college gig and the show is essentially at 12 noon or one in the afternoon. It's usually in a cafeteria and it is a fucking nightmare. You go up there and you have to do an hour. You have to stand in front of, you have to stand in public in a fucking college cafeteria in front of like God knows how many, three, four, five, six hundred fucking college students who have no idea that there's going to be any sort of performance. Forget about a comedy show. And like the level of just fucking like, I don't even, I think it's like it's really hard for me to be humiliated now after doing enough of those. Like you just get so walled off.

You just, you just accept it. You're like, okay, my life is going to suck like it's never sucked starting in about three minutes. However, in an hour and three minutes, I'm going to be back in my rental car and I'm never going to see these fucking people again. That's what that's what I, that's the mindset I used to go into. I used to go up there and I used to just psych myself up to be like, how hard can I commit to these jokes? How big of an ass can I make of myself? And just to try to not give into the horror slash negative vibe of the situation because if you did that, I learned the hard way. You were going to burn through an hour of material in like 17 minutes and you were going to be angry and your agent was going to get a call.

So anyways, James Woods is going on and on and on. He brings up fucking, and I don't mean that a bad way. It's just that Oliver Stone has accomplished so many things and Oliver Stone goes up there. And after a night of fucking Trump bashing, just so eloquently stated that all the countries we've invaded, all of the stuff that we've done. And he said during all of our history of doing this, there's been both Democrats and Republicans holding the office of president. I thought I should have got more of an applause break, but you know, I don't know. The Trump thing is just such low hanging fruit at some point. It's like, we get it. Hollywood does not like Trump.

Having said that, this fucking guy went on stage and did the best Trump. I should have gotten his name. I was so fucking nervous about what I had to do. He did the best Trump impression, the fucking nuanced performance that he did. It just, it was unbelievable. And then he did a lot of really, really fucking harsh jokes. Like even like writers, they sit in fucking writers room. You wouldn't think that you could get them to pull back. It's just because they're in public.

And he just totally fucking committed. So I got kind of inspired by that. So long story short, I'm sitting there waiting to go on. And they mentioned that Oliver Stone, I guess, wrote Scarface, which I didn't know. And I remember my mother took us to go see that. My youngest brother was nine at the time. So I thought that was pretty cool. So I just went out there and I sort of winged it, told the story about how I used to think a pony was a small horse. And, and I don't even, I can't remember what I said, but I think it went okay.

And I got off stage and I actually thought for half a second, like, you know what, that was actually kind of fun. And I realized that a lot of my adversion to award shows is just my own social anxiety of not knowing how to behave when there's a room full of people just saying positive shit to each other. Like if that award shows were like absolute, I'm not talking like roasts. I don't like roasts either. I don't know what happened to roasts. Roast to me used to be funny. And then it just became just like this, you know, Tourette's thing. Hey, I wouldn't fuck you with a dog dick AIDS cock shit cunt. You know, it's just like, all right, so and so is there. I'm not saying he wooka, wooka, wooka, but this guy, I find them fucking mind numbingly boring.

But whatever, somewhere in between this summer, somewhere short of that. If it was totally negative, I would have been comfortable. So I don't want the fuck that says about me. So I figured out what my hang up was with the world. I will say, though, I still will never get past listening to fucking people talk politics and fucking the environmental issues and all of that shit. It's just like everybody knows we already know this shit. We already know it. You're not going to inspire anybody. You know, I kind of gave a shit about the environment. But then when that guy from fucking third rock from the sun said that shit about Antarctica, I was like, wait a minute, this is an important issue.

I don't know, maybe I'm just a negative con. Well, I am a negative con, but I'll never be able to get. I just think that's just like some like, it's like the Beyonce thing, you know what I mean? I never would have thought that somebody could like exaggerate the magnitude of creating life, but somehow she's done it. My wife gets so upset when I make fun. I mean, I don't really have any feelings. It's just fun to make fun of her. Her fan base is just so fucking, I don't know. I was like, I was driving near nuts when she was watching the Grammys and stuff. Like I first of all, I don't get why does she get like a four hour performance and everybody else only gets like fucking six seconds.

You know, Bruno Mars is running around doing a bunch of costume changes, you know, she comes out dressed like a Batman villain and fucking does like a 45 minute set. I didn't think it was fair to the other performers, but you know what? I got to be honest with you. I don't think I could name one bootylicious. That was that's when she was with those other two girls that she kicked to the curb. If you're in an all girl group or if you're in a boy band, you can at this point, people have to be so fucking educated that you know at some point there's going to be like one person is going to go solo. You know, and be extremely successful. And the rest of you are just going to be sitting around working at staples, hoping that the person who left and is now wildly successful as a solo artist will eventually have a couple of shit albums. So they have to come back to you to do a reunion tour. You know what I mean?

Like do you think Justin Timberlake is ever going to do the in sync thing? Maybe he has. I don't fucking know. All I can say, I guess what I'm saying is if I was in a boy band way back in the day and I still had my reddish orange hair, I would save my money. I'd be like, you know what? Someone's going to break out. I know it's not going to be me. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Anyways, how far into this podcast are we? I got to check. I got to check the fucking time. Hey, how about fucking the Boston Bruins? We are undefeated with our new coach. I don't even know if it was Bruce Cassidy or Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. I already forgot his fucking name. I've been so goddamn busy.

Hey, you know what the best thing about having a baby is? Dude, you can watch so much fucking sports in the first three months before they learn how to crawl around and shit every morning. It's like my fate. My daughter is like my new best friend. I mean, that was going to happen anyway. Sorry for the extra noise. I was setting the laptop down. My daughter is my new best friend.

Okay. Aside from the obvious that she's my blood, she's my daughter and everything, but just like on a real level, she's my best friend. I probably have watched like 20 games with her already every morning, right? The lovely Nia, you know, she's exhausted because she still has to breastfeed at night. Well, I just have to wake up, you know, and change the diaper every once in a while. Sorry for the hiccups here. So in the mornings, I try to give my wife like three hours at least. You know what I mean?

Like I got it down where if she just feeds her, I can take her and then I can have a pinch. And, you know, I have like, I have a little fucking bottle, you know, to feed her. I can go three hours. I can keep her calm for fucking three hours while my wife sleeps and all that type of stuff. So what I do is I just tape games and every morning we come upstairs and I just put her on my chest and I just sit there and I watch games with her. And when she starts to cry, you know what it is? It's what's been working for me. You know, those giant exercise balls that people use for core strength.

I just get on one of those and I just just fucking bouncing up and down on the thing. It gives them the feeling of weightlessness or some shit. And if they start crying when you're doing the bouncing thing, because it's killing my fucking back, right? I just go fucking crazy big air. Then they just like, you know, it makes them almost almost like when a dog wants to kill somebody. And if you just make a loud enough noise and they fucking looks in another direction, it just they completely forget that they wanted to kill somebody. Babies are like that. If they start to cry, if you get their stomach to drop, they kind of go make this face like, whoa, you know, their eyes get big and shit.

And then they just kind of get into that vibe and then you slow, you just slowly get it back down to three, four repetitions back down to the level that you have and they don't cry. And then eventually they fall asleep. Then I, you know, then I got to I got the fucking game on. And I've watched more fucking college hoop since going to that Duke UNC game. I've been, you know, obviously started taping all the Duke games. I watched Duke Virginia. I missed them against Wake Forest yesterday, but I got all the rest of that year. I think they got like, they got Syracuse on Wednesday, then they got University of Miami.

And then Florida State and then they play UNC again, March 4th. Even if you're not a huge fan of fucking college basketball, you got to watch that one. I watched Kentucky, Georgia. So Georgia, you lose another heartbreaker. I watched Wisconsin, Maryland, which was fucking so boring. I went into my fucking DVR and I had tape UNC Virginia and I watched that one instead and watched that fucking kid. What's his name? Number 44 on UNC.

The fuck is his name? It's a literation. Justin Jameson. No, I can't remember his fucking name. I'm a fucking sleep deprived here. Totally gotten into that. Been watching the NHL and because of the all star break, you know, the Celtics gave me a break, you know, because they were on the all star break and I got to watch a bunch of college shit. So anyways, I landed here in New York, slept the whole fucking flight, had my eye mask and my earplugs and I was all good.

That lady didn't drop that baby and everything was fine. You know, nobody tried to hijack the plane. Everything was good. And I get in the car, taking the cab ride over to the hotel and they had Trump on the radio and it's just that fucking guy, man. Jesus Christ. He was talking about some terrorist thing that happened in Sweden. He goes, I mean, this happened in Sweden, people. Sweden.

He yells Sweden again. He just sound like I just, I cannot fucking believe. I can't believe that this guy is president and I cannot believe that he's so successful at it. In that he's just implementing everything. Like, I didn't know he could just go around Congress with these fucking executive orders, man. It's fucking hilarious that he's found yet another. This guy is like, there's like a hall of fame for finding the loophole. I mean, he really is like, he's a fucking genius.

I just wish he was more stable because, you know, Hillary would have scared the shit out of me in a much quieter, dignified way and not even dignified just as far as she knows how to give a fucking speech. But I don't know. I don't know. The day he stops reacting to people saying shit about him in award shows, I think I'll feel a little more comfortable with the fact that he's, you know, in power. This is like the most simple and basic thought I've ever had in my life, right? Is they keep talking about how the tensions, you know, that if Russia was actually in communication with Trump and Europe's all nervous because Russia's fucking doing whatever over there and blah, blah, blah, blah. And these guys are thinking this and these guys are thinking that.

And I just was thinking like, hey, why doesn't everybody just fucking relax? You know? And I don't mean you. I don't mean me. Everybody's just walking around, you know, living your life, getting a fucking newspaper. Why don't these cunts up top, why don't you just fucking relax? I know this is way too overly simplified, but like I would have no fucking idea what another country was thinking or planning to do if you weren't yammering about it. All right.

And if the other people on the other side weren't yammering about what the fuck we're trying to do, you know, why don't we just, everybody just stays home. Where's your country? You fucking stay there, right? I don't mean refugees. I just mean leaders in your armies. Just fucking stay there. We bring our guys back. Everybody just sorts out their own shit, you know, and when people come to your country to go to your fucking water park or whatever, you give them the Mickey Mouse ears.

You can be put on a shelf. Why can't it just fucking be like that? You know why? Because they want to get the fucking, you know, natural resources and money. That's all the fuck it is. That's all it is. I don't give a fuck about any of that goddamn rhetoric. That's why the fuck they're doing it.

And all they do is sit there scaring the shit out of you. I just wish everybody could like regular people just collectively all at the same time be like, and fuck it. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Fuck it. Fuck wars. Fuck all of this shit. If you fucking rich cunts have a problem with each other, why don't you sit down at your yacht clubs and try and fucking work it out, you know, play a game of seven fucking something stud, whatever the fuck, not a card player, whatever the fuck it is you do, you know.

Enough with the blowing up of people and shit. Yeah, I know. It's completely oversimplified, but like sometimes when I think about having mind control, like that's what I think of doing. I just have, you know, when like people on the terrorist groups all the way to our country start saying we're going to go to war, it's just like, yeah, no, no. No, we're not. Alrighty then, and then just see what the fuck they would do.

I think they would literally lose their fucking minds. They wouldn't know what to do because they'd just be like, well, now what? What am I going to do? And if I'm not out there trying to get more, what am I going to do? So here alone with my own thoughts, how many do you think would actually take their own lives? Like take that fatty over there in North Korea. I'm really in over my head, by the way, if you haven't realized that this is like meet the press with no press or information. It's the same thing. I'll probably get sued by that program for ruining their format.

That fat cunt there, you know, oh, softy there doesn't have a whisker on his fucking face. Like, you know what I mean? Like you ought to be able to grow a fucking crazy beard, man. You know, that's one thing I'll have to commend that. I don't even know his name. Kim Jong-il. Is that his name? Was it Kim Jong-il Jr. Sonny boy.

Frank Sinatra Jr. Whatever the fuck his name is over there. Like the fact that he can't grow a beard and he still has people scared shitless, you know, like what if they could just collectively over there? Everybody just be like, yeah, dude, we don't give a fuck anymore. Right. And everybody just goes about their business. He still gets to live in that big fucking house, but nobody listens to him. Like nobody will kill for him anymore.

No army will do anything, but he still gets to keep the giant fucking house. Like how fucking freaked out would he be? You know, nobody really goes over, talks to him or anything. So eventually he has to come out and go to like a farmer's market. You know, and then you don't talk to him. You force him to acclimate himself socially. You know, like anybody else would if they were the new guy in town. If I had mind control, that's what the fuck I would do.

Would I, I don't know, what do I, I would probably do some evil shit. If you could control the entire world's fucking brains. Yeah, I don't think I, I don't think I can handle that. All right, fuck that. That was a dumb. All right, let's read some, let's read some fucking advertising here for this week. All right. Wince pronounced the wink.

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Oh, 38 minutes. Perfect. It's time to start reading some letters. So I want to thank everybody the night before the Patrice O'Neill benefit for everybody that has bought tickets once again. And we've been able to keep this benefit going. And I cannot even begin to tell you how much this has helped his loved ones. It's just been such a great thing. And it's sad and tragic as it always will be that he passed way too soon.

All you guys stepping it up every year and seeing like just how much that has changed and helped the people that he was helping out when he was alive. It's just I can't thank you enough. All right. Okay. Friday the 13th bullshit. Oh, this is this is in regards to I was talking about that like why is Friday the 13th unlucky rather than Monday the 13th. So this person comes to me with this. Bill, with regards to your podcast involving Friday the 13th, the main superstition that spread was amongst sailors during the late 17th century, who considered setting sail on any Friday to be a bad omen.

And given that most people, including pirates were Godfaring Christians, the 13th, the 13 relating to the last supper being the night before Jesus died, according to historical hearsay. The 13 relating to the last supper. The night before Jesus died with their 13 Apollo. There was 12 apostles plus Jesus. That was 13. If the 13th fell on front. Well, first of all, I don't understand why did sailors wait until the 1700s? They waited 1700 years minus 32 years.

So they waited 1600 and fucking 68 years. People have been sailing for fucking ever. They were sailing back in Jesus's day. Right. Well, I guess there was no fucking social media. So it took a while for the story to get out. I don't know. Anyways, if the 13th fell on Friday, most docks and ports would be emptied out as sailors believed this to be the greatest ill omen.

There could possibly be, and for reason and reason enough, not to work on the day. Or get out of bed for that matter. As most people of that time hung crucifixes over their bed and believed it to be the safest place in the house. Now I'm going to say most people didn't do that. You know what I mean? I would just say, like, if back in the day, if TV news existed, those were the people's houses that they would go to. And they would try to scare the shit out of everybody about Friday the fucking 13th. But I think that there was a lot of fucking people back then.

Even back then that were just like, dude, are you fucking... There was people back then that said, Jesus, shit never happened. They said, it's a couple pieces of wood. It makes the shape of a cross. It's not like some holy fucking thing. I imagine there was plenty of people. Granted, they probably got lit on fire if they said some shit like that. I have no idea.

So anyways, it sounds pretty basic now. But back in the day, people simply didn't know any better. If you fell sick around a Friday, you were unlucky. Around a 13th of a month also unlucky. But the two together somehow was much worse. Dipped shit ancestors. They just lacked the information. Jesus Christ.

What about us? Were the smart ones ruining the fucking oceans? The Great Barrier Reef is dead. They didn't fucking... Oh, they would have killed it if they had the fucking opportunity. You know what? They're the same dipshits we are right now. Alright, Canadian bus beheader. Oh, you know what?

I meant to look this up. So did you hear about this guy who beheaded and ate another guy and they set free? How the fuck is he allowed free and why wasn't he executed? How do they know he won't relapse into another murder slash dinner? Am I crazy by saying if you murder someone, you should be murdered yourself? Well, yeah, if people didn't lie, you know, if there weren't people wrongly convicted.

I mean, I just, I feel like though, if it's beyond a shadow of a fucking doubt, you know, if you do something to animals, kids, or if you eat somebody's head on a bus, I would have to say, you know, yeah, you want to fucking, you want to handle it. Oh, you know, I forgot to fucking before I get in this shit. I forgot to hype my YouTube page. I'm finally going to start posting videos then. I'm going to start doing tours of cities again.

And you can watch all of this on my YouTube page, www.youtube.com, slash user, slash Monday morning podcast. All right, let me, let me try to find the link of this fucking guy. Jesus Christ. Fucking eating. I mean, how do you mean, how would you even go about eating a head? Oh, this is a different one. Wait a second.

Is there no link to this one? What just happened here? Oh, I do have a link. I'm sorry, guys. This is usually what I'll try to hit fucking pause so you don't have to go through the torture of this. All right, there it is. There it is. Okay, here we go.

Canadian man who beheaded bus passenger granted total freedom. Winnipeg Manitoba, AKA Winterpeg, home of the Jets. A Canadian man who was found not criminally responsible for beheading and cannibalizing a fellow passenger on a Greyhound bus has been granted his freedom. He cut somebody's head off, fucking ate it and wasn't criminally responsible. Well, who was? Manitoba's Criminal Code Review Board announced Friday it will give, it is given Will Baker, formerly known as Vince Lee. Well, thanks for fucking up his identity and an absolute discharge, meaning he is no longer subject to monitoring. Man who thought roommate was a zombie pleads guilty to murder.

Okay, what the fuck is going on in Canada? That's a completely different story. Here's a rabbit hole. I'll read that one next. Baker, a diagnosed schizophrenic, killed Tim McLean, a young carnival worker. Jesus Christ. See, this is why you never take buses, carny workers, schizophrenics. It's just, you know, you're taking your life in your hands.

A young carnival worker who was a complete stranger to Baker in 2008. A year later, he was found not criminally responsible due to mental illness. Okay. And McLean's mother, Carol, whatever, has been outspoken against granting bakers for her. His own mother is saying, don't set this guy free. Saying there'd be no way to ensure he continued to take his meds. She declined comment in a post on Facebook Friday saying, I have no words. Baker was initially kept in a secure wing of a psychiatric hospital, was given more freedom every year.

He's been living on his own in Winnipeg apartment since November, but was still subject to monitoring to ensure he took his medication. Baker's dogged. Dude, this is fucking insane. You let a head eater go free. Um, I don't know, dude, do you think that they should kill people who are mentally insane? I mean, what are you going to do? Are you going to stick them in a room and beat them flints on vitamins for the rest of their life?

All right. Man who thought roommate was a zombie pleads guilty to murder. These are all just mentally ill people here, man. A 38 year old man who said he beat his roommate to death because he thought she was a zombie pleaded no contest to second degree murder. Now I'm sitting there wondering maybe he just beat her to death. Now he's just trying to act like he's fucking insane. Um, this guy entered the plea Friday. This strangling and beating death of 35 year old Jennifer Lopez.

Not the same. I want to obviously, uh, the Kansas city star reported Wallace told police he had fallen asleep after taking a methamphetamine. Court documents said he began beating Lopez when she woke up because he thought she was a zombie. He told police he kept beating Lopez until something made him stop. Well, this is not a funny podcast anymore. Now is it? Um, uh, should you be murdered if you murder somebody? I think without a fucking doubt, if they know you did it.

Um, and, uh, yeah, yeah, I don't know. I mean, I saw, you know, I saw, I don't want to say what this fucking person did to a kid, but the kid died. And like, I was just like, why is that person still walking on the earth? There's definitely times where I feel that. And I don't think that that makes us as bad as they are. Um, but prison is a big business. So, you know, they want that fucking guy in his cell. All right.

Ministry of truth. Hey there, Billy. Hey there, Billy of rights. Um, I'm sorry, guys. I'm so fucking jet lagged here. This podcast is really just fucking lagging here. Dragon, I should say. Lots of people are comparing Trump to Hitler.

Uh, but back in December, Obama tried to quietly pass a bill that would allow the government. Yeah, I saw this, have jurisdiction over news and outgoing information on all channels, i.e. TV, internet, radio. That includes you. You can read the fine print in the article below. Also, fuck all the people listening who haven't read the legislation, but are, uh, already up in arms because it goes against who they cheer for. Amen to that. Amen to that. Everybody's like, like last night, all these fucking guys at this fucking award show, everybody trash and Donald Trump.

Nobody brings up the fact that Obama basically signed something that is going to implement an incredible level of fucking censorship. Like they're, they're basically going to decide what is real news and what is fake news. I mean, I'd like to think because I openly admit that I don't read. And the shit that I say is just fucking absurd that I would be, you know, exempt. But who knows? But like people with blue ties do this shit all the fucking time. And that's, that's what kills me about people who wear red ties and watch Fox News and the Hollywood people. Like they just cannot see the bullshit.

All the only, it's like, it's like listening to a fanatic Red Sox and Yankee fan. You know what I mean? You know, giving each other shit for buying titles and fucking abusing steroids. And it's like, no, we both did it. We both did it. We should hang our heads in shame collectively. All right, let me see if I can find this, this article. I don't really even want to fucking read this because this is just so fucking.

Let's see. Today, I have signed into law s.2943, the National Defense Authorization Act for the fiscal year 2017. This act authorizes fiscal year 2017 appropriations principally for the Department of Defense and the Department of Energy National Security Programs provides vital benefits for military personnel families. Okay, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And where do we get to the. Yeah, dude, I can't read all of this. I can't read all of this. This will take me fucking three hours to read.

This would have to be a part of a mini series for me to read all of this. Okay, here's some shit in bold. The first priority is developing a whole of government strategy for countering the foreign propaganda and disinformation being waged against us and our allies by our enemies. That reads great. But it's basically, you know, they want, yeah, listen to our propaganda, not their fucking propaganda. You know, our version of what's going on is right and their version is wrong. We're all fallible. We're all fucking human beings, but we don't make mistakes.

They do. So, I don't know, it just gets back to all of that shit. And you know what, sir, you're never going to solve any of it. Everybody starts fucking screaming at each other. And if you ever bring up something like that, people will call you a socialist and tell you to get the fuck out of the country. If you would ever even remotely suggest that this government would ever fucking, they all lie to their fucking people. Oh, God, they'll shut up. Okay.

Dear Billy Beard thighs, forgive my poor English. Well, the fact that you can come up Billy Beard thighs in a fucking second language is pretty amazing. So I think your English is fucking great. I am a native Berliner, but I have family across Germany. One of my female cousins was harassed on the way to work by some people who are different. I do not want to say just a different race or religion, but also a different way of thinking. They are not native to Germany and are not acclimating well to Western life. I am not a racist and I find the issues very sensitive, but I believe that reality has to play a part in one's objective view.

I'm not against refugees or anyone displaced because of terrible political and military situations, but I also have a new opinion because of my cousin. She is okay, but had 19 stitches in the back of her neck and head from a bottle thrown at her because she was a woman walking alone at night. This is not the first time this has happened in her town that was good enough to show good graces to refugees. If countries are going to let people in, they have to at least be okay with women having certain rights. Should they not forget about religion or relays, that's just good and bad, I think. Am I a bad person for becoming a more cautious person when it comes to refugees? Thank you and cheers on your new child. No, not at all.

I mean, a lot of that and also people's prejudice because you're German, they're going to fucking think a certain way. But like, you know, if one of the elements that comes into play is that from wherever these other people are from, that a woman walking alone at night is suggesting that she's fucking, I don't know, I don't know what, loose or having sex or whatever the fuck it is that's going to make them throw a goddamn bottle. Like, how do you not address that? And also to me, it's like, what kind of a fucking person, you know, when I go to another country, like whatever I see, I just go, oh, I guess that's how they do it over here. I don't think like, you know, well, I'm from someplace else and this is the way we do it. So I'm going to act like we're still in my country. I think that's ignorant, but never underestimate the power of religion.

You know, when people really get into it, when they really fucking get into it, you know, there's something where your brain goes on like autopilot and you just let religion make decisions for you. And rational thought kind of goes out the fucking window and you just start breaking one commandment after another. Like you tell me one religion out there, if you could find it in whatever book it is that you read, that says it's fucking okay to throw a fucking bottle at a woman walking alone at night. I mean, shouldn't you, I mean, if you think it's, you should have walked her home if you were concerned about like, I don't know. I don't understand that. But yeah, one of the things I think refugees should, like if I say this, this country goes to complete shit and there's a big war and all of a sudden they're hunting down fucking bald redheads. And I need to seek political asylum or some shit in another country. When I go there, the first thing I'm going to do is try to learn the fucking language and then I'm going to try to figure out, okay, how do they do shit over here?

You know what I mean? So I don't fucking offend anybody and so I don't get the shit kicked out of me. I would say the type of people that throw a bottle like that, you know, they're also the kind of people that if they were in higher up in a corporate thing that they would be pilfering the coffers as they say or whatever. Like there's just certain people out there that just, they're not good people. There's certain people that are just not smart people. That's one of the fucking problems with human beings is there's a lot of mouth-breathing morons and when you accept a bunch of refugees, you know, you're going to get some fucking super smart people all the way down to mouth-breathing morons. I don't think you're, yeah, why wouldn't you be more cautious when it came to refugees if something like that happened? I mean, now, having said that, within your own country, you also have neo-Nazis.

You know what I mean? So, you know, if you're suggesting getting rid of all refugees, then you should also do something about neo-Nazis. So the hard fucking thing when people go to a new country is they don't look like the people that are there. So they stick out like a fucking sore thumb and people stop looking at them as human beings. They just look at them as one giant group. Whereas if you look at a fucking neo-Nazi, he's still a fucking white dude. I'm assuming you're white, German, right? And you're like, yeah, that guy's a fucking moron.

You know what I mean? You're just looking at him like he joined a stupid club, despite the fact that those people can do some really horrific shit too. So, but I don't think, you know, you're a bad person for becoming more cautious. But I would also remain open-minded that there's going to be some really great people that were lucky enough to get out of those bad situations. And that's the hard part. The easy thing is to just say, fuck all of these people. And, you know, that's the basic, let's sit down and eat some Fritos and cake. Or you can actually do the crunches in your cardio and actually try to look at people as individuals.

Now, having said that, when the sun goes down at night, all bets are off. You have to look at people, you know, as cautiously as you possibly can. Because I guarantee you that even if they had a fucking rule about that during the day, if there was a bunch of people walking around, the chances of them doing that during the day would have been much less. So, I'm sorry that happened to one of your cousins. I hope it doesn't turn you into a hateful person. You seem like you're trying to be measured. I don't know.

But it would suck if you became another hateful person because it's just going to add fuel to all of this blue-tied, red-tied shit. All right, dear Billy Buttkiss. On Valentine's Day, my ex, Whom. I love people who know how to use Whom. You know, Who and Whom. I've looked up the definition fucking 100 times. I believe I've read it on this podcast. I still for the life of me cannot figure it out.

On Valentine's Day, my ex Whom. I had been dating for three years, came to my job at a bar with a new, much younger date. Sat with her for hours and proceeded to get a cab home with her. My coworkers obviously told me and I was devastated. Well, that's why I did it. We've been broken up for two and a half months and it was a really tough breakup. I know I deserve better, but I feel like he's driving me out of a small town that I generally love. This isn't the first time he's made a public show with women.

At this point, I just want to move and start over. What is your take? My take is that you're a lucky woman. That you didn't hit your wagon to someone that's that fucking petty. I don't like that. The way you described it, I look at that guy as though he's pathetic. I feel bad for the woman that he brought there because I feel like he was barely listening to her and pretending to be smiling, having a good time as he was trying to look around to see if he could catch you.

He basically went out of his way to hurt you. Obviously, when you're going to break up with somebody, there's going to be that awful pain because usually somebody wants it and the other person doesn't. It's bad enough that that went down. Now, if you dumped him, but I feel like if you dumped him, you wouldn't be that upset about it. You did say it was really tough. What I would say is have yourself a celebratory glass of fucking wine, whatever your poison is, that you didn't marry this cunt.

And I don't know. I think at some point, I mean, if you really love, be ashamed if you really love living where you are, that you would move just because some shallow cunt is bringing some woman over. I mean, he obviously does not give a fuck about that one because I'll tell you this. If that guy in two and a half months found the one and found true love, this petty shit with you would not even be an issue. So maybe a new way of looking at it is feeling bad for the woman that he's with because he's wasting her time.

And I can guarantee you she has no idea who you are. And if she does, then there are two fucking psychos that deserve each other that should both be sterilized because they're going to make an evil baby. So there you go. That's what you walked away from. But as far as at this point, you want to move and start over. It all depends on what you got going on in your town. That's a pretty big move.

Let a few days go by. See if you feel that again. I don't know. Just really focus on the type of person that would do something like that to really just go out of your way to hurt somebody. I've heard a bunch of people in my life, but to go out of your fucking way. That's like the difference between first degree and second degree cuntiness there. Whereas second degree, it just spontaneously happens.

You guys got all this history and you just said something fucking horrible or starts chatting up some shit there at the bar. But to fucking sit there and methodically plan it out like that, that guy's a fucking psycho. And congratulations to you that he's not in your fucking life anymore. Yeah. And don't fuck with this food. That's a petty thing too.

That's bad karma. Fuck all that. All right. That's the podcast for this week. Thank you everybody for listening. And thank you for the writer's guilt for letting me be a presenter. Actually, he really had a good time. Once I got out there, I had a good time.

But other than that, I was freaking out like what the fuck am I doing here? And also, please check out my YouTube page. Like I said, I'm really going to start posting videos and all that shit up there. Maybe I'll take a couple of, I'll do a video or something at the Patrice O'Neill comedy benefit, some backstage shit or something like that. And once again, my YouTube page is youtube.com slash user slash Monday morning podcast. And as always, if you'd like to donate to this podcast, anytime you're going to buy some shit, you don't need it on Amazon.

Just go to my website, billbird.com, click on the podcast page. You'll see the Amazon link. You click on that. It takes you there. I get credit for driving traffic there. Whatever you buy doesn't cost you any extra money, amount of money. And they kicked me a little bit of cash for allegedly driving traffic. But you're going to fucking go there anyway.

So if you want to do it cool, if not, I get it. All right. Go fuck yourselves. And I'll check it on you on Thursday. This is from now on. Boredom for recipes that are delicious, easy and well bought. For those of you who don't like something else or like classics. Oh yeah, that was a spaghetti bolognese with a lot of meat.

Download the Maide Leise app and cook with it. Yes, great. The Leise. Live with it.