Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 2-21-11

Episode Date: February 2, 2011

Posted in PodcastPlay AudioBill rambles about whores, bankers, and drumming

Thin Pink But I think that is funny Thin Pink Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it is the Monday morning podcast for Monday, February 21st, 2011. I can't say that. 2011, 2011. My fucking tongue gets stuck to the roof of my mouth. 2011, say, um, yes, what is up? It's Sunday afternoon. I am doing this podcast because I am, I am, I am committed to finally getting these things up Monday morning all around the world unless you live in Japan.

But if you live in Japan, you can't understand what the fuck I'm saying unless you're a US troop and you're stationed over there. At which point, I don't know what the fuck to tell you. All right. What am I supposed to do? Nobody in Australia complains in this 17 hours ahead of me. So stand down, son. Um, I have a big day ahead of me. The NBA All-Star game is, is, is fucking at the Staples Center. Staples Center, home of the Los Angeles Lakers and their 11 championship banners and then that one banner with all those ones from the BBA. So anyways, you got to be saying to yourself, hey, Bill, you're a big sports fan. Are you going to go to the game? Yes, I am. I am going to go to the game. Can you fucking believe it? Kind of came out of nowhere. All of a sudden I had a hookup. Somebody came through with a ticket and I said, apps are fucking loopy.

Somebody I know came through with the fucking ticket for the entire All-Star weekend yesterday for the three pointer contest and the dunking contest. He said it starts at 530. I'm like, fuck, I'm flying back from New Jersey. I land right about six and the guy's like, ah, just come on over. You'll get to catch the last half of it. I said, great. I go to get on my flight. You're very full flight. People, if you could not stand in the aisle, could you just kind of find your seat so we can expedite the fucking blah, blah, blah, the tarmac? And I'm sitting there going, let's go, people. Fuck, come on. Sit down, sit down, let's go. I finally got a hookup. Let's do something. Let's get this bitch off the ground. And one of them was the first thing that they say, I'm praying, praying for a nice 200 mile an hour tailwind or whatever the fuck I need to shave off a half hour of this son of a bitch. And one of they say, they say we have a very full flight and the captain got on and he starts talking about how there's some fucking biblical level headwind that's going to slow down the plane.

But we can try to make up the time and a different altitude. Didn't happen. They always, they always say that this fucking flight is going to be about six hours and 15 minutes. All right, it doesn't take that takes about five and a half hours with the usual goddamn headwind. Okay, but they say six hours and 15 minutes just in case there's a delay. You know, take off or landing or whatever they can still say that they're on time. And if there's no delay, then they can be like, we got you in here about 20 minutes early. Like we can't do the fucking math. Like we don't know what they're doing. So it turns out there's this fucking insane headwind and it ends up taking seven fucking hours to get to LAX. And by the time I landed, I didn't even want to go. I didn't even give a shit.

My fucking knees were fucking behind my shoulders at that point just cramped in there. You know, that idea I said, fuck, I don't give a shit. You know, the Duncan contest, I can watch all of that on YouTube, but I'm still going to the fucking game. And I'm psyched. I've never been to an all star game before. Never, ever, ever. And I'm psyched to stand there and look at all the celebrities that are going to be there and all their bitches. Huh? I don't want to see the wives. I want to see their bitches. I want to see their gold digging fucking horse. That's what I want to see. Fuck the NBA players. I don't give a shit about them. Bunch of goddamn weirdos. You're all six foot 10. You should be able to dunk.

All right. And you look weird in street clothes. You ever see an NBA player in a suit? You know, he looks like that. He looks like they have like giantism or something. They don't look right. They don't look right unless they're in a tank top and shorts standing next to another guy who's also six foot fucking tense. I don't give a shit about those guys. They don't give a fuck about me. Right? I'm there to see the gold digging horse. I want to see that whole fucking game going down. Right? Okay. It's the all star games. You know, all these celebrities, they got to bring their bottom bitch to that one. They got to bring their wife. They got to bring their serious girlfriend. That's what the fuck they have to bring. All right. She's in the pride, but on the outside, little fucking hyenas trying to steal a little piece of meat. Right?

That's going to be all the horse. That's the game. That's that's the fucking game. I'm going to be watching. I want to see what ridiculous fucking outfit the gold digging horse is going to is going to fucking be wearing the length that she's going to have to go to to get this, these fucking multimillionaires to notice them right in front of their fucking wife. I can't wait. I cannot wait. You know what? I got an idea. How about I take some pictures? I'll take some. I can't do that. That goes against everything that I'm about. I can't fucking do. I can't rat out people. I can't wait. That's what that's what I want to see. I want to see that in absolutely no defense. You know, 172 168 game. It's going to be fucking awesome. I can't wait and and that's it. So believe it or not, I'm actually in a great mood. I had an awesome weekend. I have no funny stories to tell everything. Everything worked out. I did the Terry town music hall in Terry town, New York. Beautiful, beautiful, lovely, safe, creepy, scary, whitest fucking town ever.

You guys ever been to Westchester, New York? There is a level of wealth, a level of whiteness and a level of overall peace yet unbelievable fucking creepiness to that part of the country. I'm trying. I tried to explain. I was talking about it on stage and people were laughing. I couldn't tell if they were just laughing because I was in that town making fun of it. Terry town is like ridiculous. It's like these, these, I mean, you could shoot a period piece there. Some Charles Dickens novel. If you ever wanted to turn it into a movie, you could very easily just remove all the cars and just dress everybody up like it was the 17 or 18 hundreds and just have them going up the street in a goddamn horse. There wouldn't be a fucking problem. Put it this way. The next town over is sleepy hollow. All right, headless horsemanship. Okay. And right next to that is the Hudson River. All right. And it, which is eerily quiet at night and a little bit south. You got the tap and Z bridge. The whole thing, it looks like you're on, you feel like you're on a movie set. That's what I was joking about that. Everything just felt so wonderful, peaceful and safe.

And you felt every time you turned a corner, you felt that there was just going to be like a hundred zombies just standing there. And then they'd look at you, you know, when they get that, that excitement that they see fresh meat. And I don't know what happened to zombies, but all of a sudden they can run now, which is pretty fucking awesome. Unless you're getting chased by one. That was the vibe of, of, of Terry town, but I went in and I did, did my show and you got to understand like I did that theater like five, six years ago as part of a tour for the Montreal comedy festival. And I was on that tour with like, like six or seven other comedians. So all I got to do was like 15 minutes. And I remember I was excited then to be doing it. And you know, you start thinking like, man, am I ever going to be able to play this place on my own? It was fucking awesome. I showed up and the place was packed. And then the next night was the Count Basie theater in Red Bank, New Jersey, and that place was gigantic. And the second, you know, we booked it. I was paranoid that they were going to have to cancel it or it only, it only be like half fucking full.

And that one ended up fucking selling out. And so I just want to thank everybody in creepy as Terry town, sleepy, hollow West Chester County who showed up to my gig and everybody out in New Jersey. Now people fucking sleep on New Jersey, by the way, you know, because all they do is they come out of Manhattan and they jump on the Jersey turnpike and they see all those chemical fucking plants. And they just think it's, it's a shit hole. But I'm telling you, there's some absolutely gorgeous parts of it. And Red Bank, New Jersey was one of them. Like, I saw, have you ever seen what a $20 million home looks like? You know, live? I've never seen it. It's like these fucking people live in houses as big as schools. And you know, as much as they were beautiful, and as much as I was in awe of them, I just remember thinking, how could you possibly have done anything remotely legal to get that fucking house? You know, I'm telling you, I swear to God, I bet 90% of them were bankers and people in finance. I'm telling you, then the other will be like, oh, that guy created the mutant ninja turtles or something huge. But other than that, if you're just a regular fucking person, the only way to make that kind of fucking money is you got to be in banking, fucking genius, whoever came up with the idea of a bank.

Hey, everybody, you guys work all week, and then you give your money to me. All right, then I'll pull it all together, and I'll loan it back to you at interest. And then you give me more money on that while you continue to give me all your other money every fucking week. Don't worry, I'll keep it safe. You piece of shit, motherfucker, you fucking kidding me? How do you justify, how do you earn enough fucking money? I can see if Derek Jeter had one of those houses, I get it. I get it. He fucking shows up to a stadium and 60,000 people show up. What do you think would happen if they said, hey, a banker's giving a lecture at Yankee Stadium? How many fucking people do you think would show up? Fucking asshole, he couldn't even fill up the stress factory. You know? I swear to God, that's my feeling when I have the few times that I've gotten into those types of areas. I drive by them and I am in absolute fucking awe of the level of wealth, and then that's immediately what I think, like there's no fucking way.

There's no legal fucking way to do this. You know? Take it from me. Take it from me. I'm doing all right now, you know, selling out theaters. You should see the laws that they have to make sure that I don't get rich. They are just, they're taking a fucking machete to my knees right now. Want me to do an impression of me talking to my accountant every quarter? What? Dude, you gotta be, you know something, this fucking country, that's .3 seconds. But I get it, I get it, we're fighting two fucking wars. Somebody's gotta pay for it and give me those rich cunts. Jesus fucking Christ. Anyways, what the fuck was I talking about? Yeah, you know what it's like? It's like that president over there in Egypt, you know?

He was like a bank. He had all their fucking money, and it was just sitting there. He took it, of course he took it. You know something? I'm not even mad at bankers. I'm not even fucking mad at them because I think, well, I don't know, I can't say money. That isn't the thing that gets me going. Women. I would say that. You gotta pick your weakness. Some people, your weakness is money. Some people, your weakness is power. Mine is the fucking broads. I'll tell you right now, if making people laugh ever gets me to the level of being a dictator, there is no fucking way I'm gonna be able to remain faithful. I will have who is. You understand me, people? I will have fucking who is. Listen to me. I'm going to the fucking NBA All-Star game tonight, alright? And I'm more excited to see the level of gold digging fucking whore that's gonna show up. The Tempresses. I can't wait. I cannot fucking wait to see how high up you have to jack your fucking ass up to get noticed at the All-Star game.

Because you know every whore out there is, she's going with the fucking four, five inch goddamn stilettos. Ah! Walking down those fucking, you know, they're all gonna be sitting. Where do gold digging whores sit? The wives sit courtside. They sit, you know, they sit in a group. Have you ever noticed that? They all keep the wives all, you know, together. It's a very smart move by the men, you know, because you get a bunch of women together. Eventually they're just gonna be running their mouths. They're not gonna be paying attention to shit. They're gonna be doing that shit while the fucking game's going on. They don't give a shit, right? I'd say the gold digging whores, I'm gonna say that they're gonna start at about row, about 20, maybe 21. That's a more believable number, right? 20 was too even, you know, row 23. That's where they're gonna start, alright? And that's gonna be like the gold digging whores, gold digging whore, you know what I mean?

Like the quarterbacks quarterback, the comics comic. The whores whore is gonna be at the NBA All-Star game. Already bangin' somebody. Already hooked up. She's gonna be about row 20, right? She's already gonna have guilted somebody down there, somebody connected, that, you know, how come your wife is sitting seven rows in front of me? And yay, I gotta do what I gotta fucking do, and don't worry, I'll make it up to you. So she already has something shiny coming her fucking way, alright? And then you go back, you go, well, Staple Center's weird, where it's kind of the haves, the have-nots, you know, so if you get to the upper deck, those are like the open micro whores, alright? That's someone who just fucking blew somebody in a ticket booth to get up to the 300 fucking level, alright? So what they're gonna do is they're basically gonna be dressin' hot for, you know, I don't know, they're gonna be up there with the fucking potato skin eatin' sports bar guy, right? The season ticket holder assumption, I don't know what the fuck, this whole thing's kind of unraveling. All I know is there's gonna be a bunch of fucking whores down there, and I can't wait to look at them. No, I've come to this level in life where I really, I don't judge people. I know I'm sayin' whores and gold diggin', you know?

I know I'm sayin' that shit, but I'm not in a judgmental way. The same thing, I don't judge that the fucking piece of shit, I guess that's judgmental, but you know, whatever, I'm a piece of shit. The piece of shit guy was runnin' shit over there in Egypt, you know? I get why he stole all that fucking money, cause it was right there, you know? It was right fuckin' there, I mean, until you are in that position where you're at that level of temptation, until you've faced it and passed that test, you can't judge that guy. Can you imagine that? Just a mountain of cash, you're sittin' right to the right of your lazy boy, like a big bowl of fuckin' M&Ms, and you guys out there got your little fuckin' M&Ms right next to your TV chair? How many of those do you eat a night? You know? You ever tell yourself this is the last hand fault? You go right back for more. You ever get it so fuckin', you know? You're doin' that thing where you're makin' the fist and then you're fuckin' droppin' them out of the bottom of your fist? You know, like some fuckin', I don't know what, like some goddamn guppy feedin' at the top of a fish tank? Ah, we're all gluttonous assholes, and I'm right up there with them. I don't even know what the fuckin' point was. I'm just tellin' ya, I'm excited I'm goin' to this fuckin' game. Ah, that's 17 minutes, 17 minutes. How many fucks was that, sir?

All right, let's get on with the podcast here. I want to thank everybody. Seriously, who came out to the Tarrytown Music Hall and the Count Basie Theater, and I'm gonna keep writin' jokes because that was unbelievably motivating. I'm gonna try to do that every year. Absolutely phenomenal fuckin' experience. I have nothing bad to say about any of it. And last week, people, I told you, if you want to become part of this podcast, if you would like to participate, if you'd like to comment on any fucked up thing that I said, if you'd like to introduce a new topic or add to the topics that exist, or just vent. I have a new email, Streamline, gettin' all the podcast emails to one email so I don't miss any of the good ones. It is bill at themmpodcast.com. Once again, bill at themmpodcast.com. And if you could do us a favor, if you could just in the title, in the subject line, could you just stick, you know, under what category it's gonna fit. If you have overrated, underrated, if you want some advice, is it racist? Your country sucks, too. Anything. Anything you want, YouTube videos of the week, anything. Just write, obviously, overrated, YouTube, is it racist? Write in the subject line. It'll really help us to kind of streamline them because I actually have somebody now who's gathering all of them and just sends them to me in one email. And then, you know, I just read through all of them, I pick the best ones, the ones that I respond to. So, once again, you email at bill at themmpodcast.com.

And that is it. And the official podcast of the Monday Morning Podcast is www.themmpodcast.com. We have all the YouTube videos, anything that I talk about, pictures of theaters, anything that I'm talking about. Gold digging who is, we'll have pictures and that type of shit so you can follow along at work right before you slump over and die in your cubicle. All right. I got a little backlash this past week from a number of things. One from is it racist? Another number from the to drink minimum. Let's start with to drink minimum first. Last week, someone was talking about the to drink minimum, why they have that a comedy clubs. And I was trying to explain that that's basically how the comedy club makes money. So this guy says, Bill, as I listened to the podcast today, I must disagree with your diatribe on the to drink minimum. Don't you love that? Rather than my opinion, it becomes a diatribe. I know what diatribe means, but that just sounds like you made it seem like I was going on and on and on. I agree that comedy club. I agree that comedy clubs need to make money. Well, thank you, sir. Thank you for extending me that fucking olive branch. I agree that sometimes they promise certain payouts. Okay, I wasn't asking you to agree with that. That's how it is.

But the to drink minimum is the equivalent of every other company's hidden charges. If the club needs to make money, add $20 to the price of a fucking ticket. People that don't drink have a real issue being forced to buy drinks because some clown can't manage his business any tighter. Whatever happened to truth and advertising? Tell me upfront what the entertainment bill is going to cost me. Whatever happened to truth and advertising? Sir, if you can tell me an error when there was ever any truth in advertising, I will give you a box of free DVDs. There's never been any truth in advertising, and that includes you when you went out to bars and you were trying to get your dick sucked the way you made your job sound a lot more important than it was. All right, so get off your fucking high horse right there. That's the first high horse you have to get off. All right, and it's like you're fucking driving. You ever see the Budweiser Clydesdale fucking thing?

I don't know what it does. The stagecoats for the guy who owns Budweiser. I never really understood what the fuck that thing was supposed to be. But you have a team of Clydesdale high horses here. All right, the fact that you have to state that a goddamn business needs to make money and that they actually promise to pay the ax. I don't understand those points. Okay, first of all, you're saying that a two-drink minimum is the equivalent of every other company's hidden charges. There's nothing hidden about the two-drink minimum. It's written on the fucking ticket. It's on a sign inside the club as you're walking in. It's announced before the show everything. Two-drink minimum. They actually have called comedy shows on TV, two-drink minimum. They used to be a show called Two-Drink Minimum.

You know what I mean? It's like you saying that there's some sort of hidden thing that a fire engine is red. You go into a club, there's a two-drink minimum. All right, what I think is really going on here is you don't understand the business of running a comedy club. All right? I don't understand why you're saying, why don't you people that don't drink have a real... Everybody drinks, sir. Everybody drinks. All right? You don't drink. You don't drink at all. You don't drink water. You don't drink soda. You don't drink at all. You don't have to buy a drink that has alcohol in it, but you have to buy a drink. All right? And you're getting mad at the wrong fucking people. You're getting mad at the club because they're forcing you to buy drinks. Why do you think that is? Why do you think the club owner is greedy?

The reason why they force you to buy drinks is because of the amount of fucking tight wads that show up to clubs and go, can I have a water, two straws, please? That's the problem. All right? See, back in the day, there probably wasn't a two drink minimum because back in the day, the artist used to get unbelievably fucked by the promoter. Believe it or not, back in the day, this is like before free agency in sports. Back in the day, believe it or not, when a band, a comedian, any sort of entertainer went to a venue to perform, the promoter got 80% of the door and the artist got 20%. All right? But because of the brilliance and the balls of Peter Grant with Led Zeppelin, as far as I know, I'm giving him credit. He's the first guy I read that finally went up to the promoter and said, listen, mate, they ain't coming here to look at the fucking building. All right? You silly cunt. They're coming here to see fucking Led Zeppelin. I know it's a brutal British accent, but he was the guy going, listen, nobody gives a fuck about your building.

If they stick these guys in any fucking building out here, they're going to sell out because they're coming to see the band. So he was the guy who said, listen, we get 80%, you get fucking 20%. All right? So the promoter has to make his fucking money and he makes money by selling food and drinks. All right? That's how it is. But the problem is his people will go in there and they won't fucking buy drinks or they won't buy food. They'll go in there and they will sit there and they will sip on a fucking water. That's why there is a two drink minimum, which is advertised on the fucking ticket. It is advertised. They have it on a sign before you even fucking walk in there. You call up the comedy club. They say there is a two drink minimum.

This show is 21 and older with the two drink minimum. I've heard that maybe 40 million times in my comedy career. There is no sort of false advertising going on here, sir. All right? That is why they have to make money, dude. Do you know how much money it costs to run a fucking club? Do you know how much money it costs to get a liquor license? The amount of people you have to grease, the amount of taxes you have to pay, the amount you have to pay in fucking rent, all of that bullshit? You know what? You don't. I know a guy who opened up a fucking theater and there was these union guys. All right? And to change the sign, he had to hire two union guys.

One guy to go up the ladder, one guy to hold the fucking ladder and a cop to stand there and make sure everything was fine. It was costing him like 1500 bucks to put up. And this week, come down and check out Bob Saget, whoever the fuck was there. So he had to sit there in lobby with politicians and lobby with all these fucking people and try to go around unions and all this fucking horseshit just so he could get a sign out front that he could change electronically from inside the building. Do you want to stand that 1500 bucks a week times 52 weeks a year? That's just if you just change it once. Forget about this guy, the way he had it running. He had a musical act and a comedy act and then a musical act every fucking week. So it's three times a week. That's what? 3500 bucks.

That's like what? 250 fucking grand a year to get a guy to change letters on a fucking sign. Okay? It costs money to run a goddamn business. All right? I don't know what else to tell you. But you getting mad at clubs for having two drink minimums. It's, you know, it's not the club. It's not the club. It's the tight fuck sitting next to you. It was going to bring cheez-its in and a little butter knife to spread his cheese on and all that shit. You know, I don't fucking stay home. I don't know what to tell you.

I don't know what to tell you. What else? What other backlash? I got backlash this week on the, the fuck was it? Is it racist? Back and forth with this fucking guy, which was hilarious. This guy was, he wrote that guy last week who wrote the thing where he said, Bill, older Asian is racist as shit. I'm sorry, but it is. So I wrote him back where I was like, well, dude, you kind of have to elaborate on your point. And number two, why are you apologizing? That's kind of a pet peeve of mine. I hate when someone disagrees with you and then they apologize.

I'm sorry, but you're wrong. It's like, dude, you're not, you're not sorry. Why are you saying you're sorry? You're not fucking sorry. Stop saying you're sorry. So this guy goes on and on and on and he proceeds to basically say that I was playing on Asian stereotypes. And that's, and I had preconceived notions about Asians and all this type of shit, you know, and I don't give a fuck. If you are just joking, that is racist. I don't give a fuck how you meant it. It's fucking race, all that psycho shit. And then he proceeds to prove his point by then hitting me. I don't know what the rest of his fucking email, he was trying to give me examples that my preconceived notions,

my alleged preconceived notions about Asians was fucked up as he then dumps of all his preconceived notions about white people. He goes, really, are the Asians the only bad drivers? What about all those rich white kids denting their dad's Mercedes on the regular? Fucking hilarious, you know? And then I just asked him to name who those rich white kids were because, you know, I hung out with a lot of white kids growing up, all white kids, and none of their, our dads had fucking, who are these rich white kids, sir? Where did you meet these rich white kids? Where you and your younger brother with the fucking kidney disease adopted by a rich white man?

Is that how you ran into all these rich white kids? You're fucking generalizing, you're doing the exact same horseshit. So, but it ended up being a great debate, and this is what I've come to realize about jokes when it comes to race. I think, I could be wrong here, but I think there's three categories when you joke in a racial way. And it can either A, be straight up funny, B, be offensive, or C, be racist. And at all, and there's a bunch of variables that play into it. It plays in to the intent of the person. If your intent is not to be fucking racist, what you said, I believe, is not racist.

What it is at that point is offensive. You made a joke, you thought it was going to be funny, but people took it a different way. They didn't find it funny. They're saying it's racist, and you're like, no, I was just fucking around. And it's like, well, at that, then it becomes offensive, I think. All right. And then it also comes down to your relationship. Because if, you know, you're fucking white and somebody else is black or whatever,

and your friends, the level of being offended gets pushed way down the goddamn street. You know, to the point, sometimes, if other people are listening, they can't believe what the fuck the two of you are saying to each other. But I still maintain it comes down to intent. Now, that old-erasion, and the social situation, old-erasion, I'm just fucking around. It's a joke. It's not racist, because I don't have any fucking bad feelings about Asians. It's just something, it's a funny fucking game I came up with driving in traffic after I saw a pattern.

I kept getting cut off, and it just seemed that 80% of the fucking time, it was either some old dude or some Asian dude. So it was a joke. I started playing that game with my girl. What do you want? Old-erasion. What do you got? I'm on the table, just fucking around.

Now, obviously, if I'm doing that outside of the car, I'm gonna fucking offend somebody. But it's still not racist, because I don't mean it that way. You know, I know a lot of people are gonna fucking disagree with that, but I truly, you can't tell me what the fuck I mean. I know what I'm thinking. You know? Is that fucking me? I don't know.

I don't fucking know. But, and the same thing is that old-erasion thing. Barack Obama couldn't be in the middle, doing the State of the Union. Going, we're gonna get, turn this country around. We're gonna do this, we're gonna do that. And you know what? You know what? I like to play in the back whenever my limo gets cut off.

I play this game called Old-erasion. You know? That's, even then, if he's just fucking around, I don't think that's racist. It's incredibly irresponsible and would be taken that way. And at the very least, it would be unbelievably fucking offensive. But I, that's what I think. You guys tell me what you think. I think if you just fucking around, if you don't mean it in a malicious way, it's not racist.

You can be ignorant. You can offend fucking people and that type of stuff. But you know, I really don't think that me playing a game called Old-erasion is racist like some fucking guy in the Klan going, we need to get these people out of the country. They're beasts and that type of shit. All right? And I know what you're going to say. Well, that's what you're doing is a lighter form.

No, I'm not. No, I'm not. You're an over-sensitive fucking cunt. All right? And you're so far to the fucking left, you're actually doing like this McCarthyism bleeding heart horseshit. Go fuck yourself. Lighten the fuck up. Okay?

Like when I see a black comic or somebody giving me shit that white people can't dunk a basketball or they can't fucking dance, you know? Depending on how they say it, if they say it in a mean enough way, I could get offended. I maybe could get offended. But first of all, am I honestly going to sit there and act like generally speaking white dudes can fucking dance? White people in general? Or that would dunk in a basketball? How many six foot 11 fucking guys have I seen?

Two and a half step and they just fucking dislocate their shoulder hitting the ball in the front of the fucking rim. You know, I think a lot of people, they don't have a fucking sense of humor either. So, I don't know, I think that guy last week, the Tony Gwynne game, that's fucking hilarious. That game that other guy played where he sits there saying, you know, turns his back to the news and he hears the crime and he tries to guess the race is fucking hilarious. This guy had three heads in his refrigerator. Crazy ass white guy. Crazy ass cracker or whatever. Like that's funny.

Am I saying anything funny this week? I feel like I've just been ranting for the past 20 fucking minutes. All right, let's let's plow ahead here. Oh, some advice. All right, advice. Bill, I've heard you mentioned a few times that when you dedicated yourself to following your dream as a comedian, you sacrificed everything to throw yourself completely into comedy. Then you usually say that on some level it was easier for you to put everything on the line because you were young and didn't have a lot to risk. I'm 37 years old.

Oh, Jesus. With a wife and two young boys who are ages four and six. A year ago, I decided that I wanted to be a comedian. I've been doing open mics consistently for a year and I feel like I have real potential. I know it takes a lot of time to get good. My problem is I can't pay this month's rent. I'm scared to get a better full time job because it will take Mr. Away. It'll take me away from my dream little typo there when you are older and have responsibilities like kids and a wife.

How do you justify taking risks to go for your dream? All right, dude. All right, this is a rough one for me to give you advice on because I had never I've never been in that situation. And also I never want to talk somebody out of of doing what you want to do. You should definitely keep doing stand up if that's what your heart's telling you to do. But as a man, you cannot have a wife and kids and not be able to pay the rent. All right, you need to get a better full time job and you just need to fucking work harder and be more efficient when you go out to the club. If you've been hanging out a little bit, don't hang out at all.

And, you know, it's what you're trying to do is not impossible. But I will tell you this, you can't look who's kidding who. All right, the number one job of a man is to fucking provide. You have to provide for your family. If you're not, you know, I, you know, I, I don't want to say this, but a lot of the you women look at you like you're fucking useless. All right, that's like them without a fucking vagina. And I hate to reduce them as sex objects, but that's just how we view you fucking with you. But seriously, all right, you have to provide.

Okay, this is the thing. I think, you know, if your wife is cool, she will understand that you want to make this transition, but you have to make it as smooth as possible. You can't be in a situation where you're, where you can't pay the fucking rent. All right, so. I would get a better day job if you had to at this time. So you can pay the fucking rent and then you can burn it at both ends and do your stand up at night or whatever, right? And then eventually when you start getting paid gigs with that, then you can start to phase out the fucking day job. All right, but if I was you, I would sit down and have a heart to heart with your wife.

So she gets where your heads at, you know, and just tell her, look, I really want to do this. But I understand my job as a man is I have to provide. So I, this won't happen again. Yeah, you know, you got to have, you got to, you got to pay the fucking bills. You know, you got to pay the fucking bills. It's just, it's your job as a guy. It really is. I don't give a fuck about all this equal rights and fucking independent women put your fucking titties in the air or whatever.

How the fuck that goddamn song goes. All right, providing is our job. That's our fucking job. We have to, you have to do it. Wait, you have to fucking do it. You know, what are you fucking Steadman? You know, I guess that's okay. If you, if you, if you're your, your chick is Oprah.

Speaking of which, you haven't seen some of Oprah's houses. I became fascinated with that when I did that red bank and I was just looking at those fucking houses. The level of wealth. And I just started typing in Bill Gates house, Oprah's house and just like the most, the richest people I could fucking think of. Like, Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. Eminem's house looked up his for some reason. They're unbelievable.

Please. First of all, they always like in them, like surrounding them is always like a forest. Like they don't even have, they're so rich. They don't even have neighbors. Some of them, some of them, they live, you know, crowded areas like Miami beach, but some of these fucking people. Like Eminem's house looked like a, like a, I don't even know how to describe it. It looked like a house. Like let's look an optical illusion.

Like it was a house and then you give a seat like in a movie, like where all of a sudden a guy just gets a hunchback. That's what his house looked like. It was a house and then boom, there's another part of the house and then, then another house. It was like he just took like these 20 fucking houses and just stuck them all together. That'd be a great house to have if you were wanted by the law. You know what I mean? You could literally hide out in your own fucking house. By at least another two and a half weeks of freedom by the time they fucking found you.

You know? I don't know. I don't know what the hell I'm saying. So anyways, do that. That's, that's a real tough situation. I hope you work out. Don't give up on your dream, but you know, your wife is going to be way more supportive if, if, if you're, if you're paying the goddamn. But you got to pay the bills.

Got to pay the bills. All right. Here we go. Next one. Hey Bill, I asked for advice a couple of months ago about a friend of mine. This was another brutal one. About a friend of mine whose girlfriend was having a kid. He was so suspicious about whether or not it was his cause he had gone and gotten checked twice to see if he could have kids and the doctor said no.

Oh, I remember this guy. Remember that one? The doctor said this guy got checked twice. They said he couldn't have kids and all of a sudden his girl was pregnant and there was questions about her being faithful. I remember this. I remember this. Well, this is the update of this. Well, about five months into the pregnancy, she miscarried.

So the problem kind of solved itself, but it was a terrible thing to happen. Now they are living together and I'm still pretty positive she was cheating on him and he's hanging onto the relationship now through some sort of guilt because of the lost child. It just feels like my friend got one pulled over on him and I really want to talk to him about it, but I can't find a good way to do it. Your podcast rules and I hope you come to Edmonton sometime. Comic strip, right? The comic strip in Edmonton. I'll make my way up there at some point. Dude, that is a brutal, brutal, brutal, brutal situation and it all depends on how you feel.

Are you going to be able to live with yourself if you just say, listen, this kid is just a moron. He's my friend, but he's a fucking moron because that is an option. You know, the good fellas moment. They tell that joke in Italian and De Niro says, what does it mean? And Pesci goes, it means he's content to be a jerk. What am I going to say? My wife two times me? That joke.

Basically about a guy who knows his wife's fucking around on him and he just looks the other way. He's content to be a jerk. So that's what your friend is right now. I know there's emotions involved. So there is hope for him, but you know, he's fucking himself over. So this is the deal. If you can live with yourself and just say, this guy's content to be a jerk. I'm not going to get in the fucking middle of this because there's so many obvious red flags here and this kid is just choosing to ignore them.

You could just say, fuck it. He's content to be a fucking idiot. But if you're not going to be able to live with yourself, then I would just sit down and talk to him. All right. And hopefully he listens to you. And if not, and he stops being your friend. There's nothing you can fucking do about that. And I got a feeling probably seven or eight years from now, you might get a phone call him saying, you know what, you were right.

Those are impossible situations. Jesus Christ. How the fuck would I handle that? I would, I would say something. You know what? I would. I would definitely say something, but I don't know how to do that to be honest with you. I don't fuck what I'm saying.

I say, listen, you know, I'm friends with you. We've been friends a long time. That's when, that's when your buddy knows something fucked up is coming. Listen, we've been friends a long time, right? Had a lot of good times, right? You know, you know, you know that I've always been there for you and I never try to steer you wrong, right? Like, I think your girlfriend is a two time and yeah, how do you say that? I would just rip the bandaid off.

Just say, listen, there's something I have to talk to you about. We're friends. And as a friend, all right, I can't stop thinking about this and it would kill me to not bring this up to you. I have to do this. I'm not trying to be malicious. I'm doing this because you're my friend. And then I would just say, look, Jesus, I just had it and I already forgot how fucking difficult this is. I would just be this fucking ridiculous.

Look, you told me you couldn't have kids. You went to the doctor twice. You got tested. They said you couldn't have kids yet. This girl somehow got fucking pregnant. Don't say fuck there yet. Your girl somehow got pregnant. Okay.

Then you just sort of stare at him. I don't know where to go from there. All right. My guts telling me that that wasn't your fucking kid. See, that's a hard one too. That one that kid you just fucking cried over that didn't get born. I don't think it was yours anyways. Ah, Jesus, dude, this is fucking brutal, brutal.

I would do, this is what I would do. I would do what I'm doing right now into a mirror and just keep correcting it as you go. The same way I said, okay, don't say fuck there and then you back it up again. And just somehow figure a while out of way to say that I think your girlfriend is a whore. I don't think that she's being, I don't think you're, I don't think the woman that you're with has been a 100% honest with you. And I don't think that she has been 100% faithful. And my gut is telling me that that wasn't your kid. See, that's brutal, taking it to there.

All right. I think you need to get out of this relationship. I mean, I don't do it. I don't know how to do it. I don't know how to fuck. Yeah, you stumped me. You stumped the shwami. You know, not like I know everything obviously, but I usually can come up with some sort of angle.

I don't want the fuck to tell you. But for whatever you do, don't write it down. Don't put it in a letter because he'll probably show it to her and then, then, then it'll just be brutal. The fuck that. Don't, don't do that. Just, uh, that's a, uh, yeah, I don't want to tell you, dude. That's a fucking brutal one. Jesus, does it work to just say it?

Listen, man, you're best, we're best friends, right? We can say anything to each other. Yeah. I think your girlfriend fucked somebody else without a condom and got pregnant and said it was yours. And it's such a fucking psycho cunt that she was about ready to let you take on the responsibility and invest that sort of time your life. She was content to throw away your fucking life because she can't keep her fucking legs on the ground and her panties up around her fucking waist. Do you understand me? She's a fucking whore.

All right. You went to two fucking doctors and they said you can't get pregnant, dude. How dumb are you? Get your fucking head out of her fucking vagina. Wake up. It's not your kid. All right. That was God.

God gave you a fucking mulligan. He gave you a pass. All right, there you go. You want to get, oh, Jesus, you want to get fucking religious about it? Get out of the goddamn relationship. Stop being such a fucking pussy. Leave her. Try about it for fucking six weeks, whatever you got to do.

Go join a fucking gym and get on with your fucking life and start wearing a condom. All right. Now, I know that team that we saw in the first half is not the fucking team that I know. And we got another 30 minutes of fucking football and I want you to get out there and prove to me that you could play like the way I know you could play. That's what you do. You go, there we go. Took me a minute to work it out.

You go fucking Vince Lombardi. Grab, grab, grab. Nobody tackling. She's a fucking whore. You got to go like that. You got to build up. You got to start slow. You got to start slow.

All my years are looking at relationships. I don't think I have ever in my life seen a woman. So pull the fucking wool of pubes over somebody's fucking eyes like I did in that first half. You know what I saw out there? I saw bullshit. Just something. I don't know why I do it. I'm out.

I don't know what to tell you. I don't know what to tell you. Tell that fucking kid he needs to make some halftime adjustments. All right. Pull the ripcord. Get the fuck out of that. See, these are the things. They don't talk about these kinds of women on those real shows.

They'll show women like that on Jerry Springer and everyone looks like a retard so nobody gives a fuck, right? But they won't show those kinds of women on those real sort of issue shows when they're just always talking about guys who beat their women, which they're horrible fucking people and they should talk about them. But why don't they ever talk about whores? You know, the only time they talk about whores is just when they try to figure out why they're a whore.

You know, dad didn't stick around fucking uncle diddle them or you know, whatever. They always got a fucking reason. They always got a goddamn excuse. You know, maybe they're just whores. You ever think of that? Is there any women out there? There's a woman out there. I want to know this.

Okay. This is totally anonymous and I'm not judging you because I'm a male whore myself. All right. I want to know this. Is there a woman out there where dad stuck around? You had a great family. You weren't touched in any funny way. You went to school.

You know, you were a girl scout. You did all the right things. But you just love dick. And not only do you love dick, you love a bunch of different dicks and you are in a relationship. But every once in a while, you just got to go out and go bang somebody else because you are fucking bored. Basically, are you wired like a man? That's what I want to know.

Okay. And you can be totally honest. Let's examine. Let's examine that because I don't even think it's fair to just brand them all whores. I don't. I think some of them are actually really intelligent and they've actually sat and contemplated it. You know, or, you know, done what I've done is justify their piece of shit moves. You know something, this is the time when I really should just have a guest.

I don't have a guest. I got to have more guests on this fucking podcast. What do you want for me? All right. You guys want some YouTube videos for this week? Have you slumped over and your cubicles left yet? Have you done that with five minutes left in your fucking day? All right.

YouTube videos for the week. The truth about Facebook privacy. I actually haven't had a chance to watch this yet. This was suggested to me by somebody close to me. So I just put that on there. Here's a good one. Fireworks fail. This guy shoots off one that should have gone on after the fucking Boston pops and he basically shoots it off in his own neighborhood.

And for some reason it goes off about, oh, I don't know, about maybe 30, 35 feet in the air, a bunch of houses around. Here's another good one. Angry skateboarder. Here's a hockey one. Blonde Yager is in Yaramir Yager and a band called Mute Math, great musicians, great albums and they have a fucking insane drummer. Oh, speaking of which people, speaking of which, I've been taking my drumming to a new level, to a brand new fucking, for me, for me, I still suck. But after plateauing, I just sort of, I got fucking ADD, right? As you can tell from my podcast.

If you notice that I start to make a point and something else reminds me of something else and then I just, ah, maybe I'll drive over to the left for a while. You know, I can't sit still. I can't focus unless, unless something really fucked up is happening. That's the only thing. Something really fucked up has to be happening before you will get 100% of my attention. You know, I don't know why, but that's how it is. So, with my playing drums, I'm the same way. I'm always learning, trying to learn five different things at the same fucking time.

You know, I'll do this for like three minutes and I'll do this for three minutes. I'll do this for two minutes and then, and then I'll fuck, you know, and then I have three new things that I'm trying to learn. And rather than just learning one and getting it down, I don't. And it's something I've known for a while. I watched this guy, Mike Johnston, who has these great lessons and he had this, he basically mapped out on how to practice. He'd show you something and it was, it was pattern. You get the pattern down and then you bring it up to speed and then you'd move it all around the kit. So it's just pattern speed movement, ABC, one, two, three.

Couldn't have got any more basic, but my fucking ADD, I couldn't fucking do it. So I finally decided I was fucking sick. I was sick of this shit. So I just decided to focus on a couple of things. And one of them was that Jojo Mayer fucking thing with your bass drum foot. It's something I saw Steve Gad do a lot. This is really for drum heads here. Steve Gad do on his up close video a long time ago and I sat down and I fuck with that thing after borderline messing with it for a year and a half.

I sat down for like, like three days in a row and religiously worked on it and was blown away by how much faster I got my foot as far as being able to do three hits in a row. Because who's getting who? Any Zeppelin fans out there? There's two licks, three licks that I've been trying to get down. Okay, I finally be able to get the good times, bad times, sixteenth no triplets. I can do those fucking things up to speed. I can play good times, bad times. But when he does the three in a row like that lick he does on, I can't quit you babe.

When he does the three in a row there and out on the tiles. There's a lick in there where I think I'm hearing three and then the wanton song, which is a big debate on how to, this is so fucking, I'm really going to lose a lot of listeners here. But there's a big debate on how the fuck he plays that. Does he pay bone? Or done. I think he does three after the snare. And on the two. This is so fucking stupid, why am I talking about this?

Anyways, with that Jojo Mayer shit, they play that at about 102 beats per minute. That Jojo Mayer things, I can play that lick with the three hits on the bass drum. After the snare on two, I can play that at 90 beats per minute. Yeah, I can play it at that at this point. So I'm within fucking striking distance of that after, you know, fucking with this thing for a year and a half, finally just sitting down. And if drummers out there want any sort of advice, I can show you what I did. Because I'm just really nervous that this is just, I mean, it's already bad enough. I have people in Europe listening to me go off on American sports and an Australian shit.

For me to actually sit here describing drum licks. It's pretty fucking pathetic. But anyways, I think I've winded down here. I got to make sure I edit this thing and get this thing up on time. And I also have to make sure, oh my God, oh fuck. What time is it? I got to go 315. I got to be down the fucking place by four.

Fuck. All right, I got to go. Thanks for listening to the podcast. God bless all you. Don't take any shit. Go fuck yourself. 00:56:39,880 --> 00:56:41,880 Traditions and customs, and there's more I can do.

So long that you love me, that you like me. Paz Prunj of Ifte, chocolade edges. Dallas in the promo, there's the hippie cop my luscious. Van alles neem ik twee, no men, no I met the Eric. Van ons hier zalig pasen, Ramadan oe berk. Geniet van pasen en Ramadan met het verrassend en divers assortiment van Albert Heijn. En kijk zeker ook naar de tweede aflevering op de wereld in het klein.be. Dat is het lekkere van Albert Heijn.