Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 2-21-22

Episode Date: February 21, 2022

Bill rambles about a Housewives, retirement, and mugging stories. MASTER CLASS: Get unlimited access to every MasterClass and as a Monday Morning Podcast listener, you get 15% off an annual membership!  Go to www.MASTERCLASS.com/BURR now. 

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, February 21st, 2022. How the hell are you? What's going on in your world? It's so mobile. It's the dead of fucking winter. Back east. Oh, Jesus Christ. Snowing all over the place. For some reason, I don't even remember why, which is why I initially said for some reason, and then I figured in case you weren't familiar with that expression, I would then say, in case you don't remember why, I was looking up this shit on the Great Lakes. I don't know why for the 50th time. I don't even remember what it was, but they were talking about how they can actually have hurricanes. Jesus, Bill, you know, only you, only you would bring up some shit that

you can't remember. Great Lakes Hurricane, 1913. Here we go. They had this fucking hurricane in 1913. This is before the weather channel, or even like radio, or even that thing going, maybe they had that Morse code. They didn't have any of that shit. The Great Lakes storm of 1913, historically referred to as the big fucking blow, or freshwater fury, and the White Hurricane, the Great White Hope, the White Hurricane, was a blessing with Hurricane Force winds that devastated the Great Lakes basin in the Midwestern United States and Southwestern Ontario, Canada from November 7th to November 10th in 1913. The storm was most powerful on November 9th, battering and overturning ships on four of the five Great Lakes, particularly Lake Huron.

The Lake Huron doesn't get a lot of, it doesn't get, you know, everybody knows Lake Michigan, that's but night there was Chicago, my kind of town, Chicago is a lot of racism, Chicago is keeping people separate, Chicago is eating more than your fucking share. Sorry. And then Lake Erie, because everybody thinks that caught on fire when Cleveland, when it was really like an inlet, and then you got Lake Ontario, of course the Lake Ontario Playhouse, the Ontario Senators, the Ottawa Senators, sorry. Then you got Lake Superior, everybody remembers that because you don't think it's better than everybody else, and then like the fucking odd man out. You know, it's like that other manning brother that never played football, or they only got hurt.

It's Lake Huron, Lake Huron, particularly on Lake Huron. The storm was deadliest and most destructive, was the most deadliest and natural and destructive natural disaster to hit the lakes in recorded history. More than 250 people were killed, right? No smartphones, no weather channel. All you had was some old guy talking about how his fucking big toe was acting up. And then he had to look at him like, is his big toe acting up because he's fucking old, or does that mean there's a hurricane coming? I don't know. I say we take a shot, right? And then they go out in the lake and they never heard from again. Shipping was hardest hit, 19 ships were destroyed, and 19 others were stranded. About $100 million of cargo weighing

68,300 tons, including coal, iron ore, and grain were lost. The storms impacted many cities, including Duluth, Ben there, Chicago, Ben there, Cleveland, Ben. I've bombed in all of those cities. I was the second coming of the white hurricane in a bad way. Anyway, 79 mile apartments. I had no idea I'd never heard of shit like that, and probably because, you know, everybody knows what's coming now. You know, I kind of have this theory now that accents are going away, because everybody's just sort of talking like everybody, everybody on the internet, everybody's doing what everybody's doing, right? As I have, I still have my accent, but that's just because I'm a moron. I've been out here

long enough, but generally speaking, I kind of feel like they're going to go away at some point. Everybody's just going to talk like a news reporter. I am from Alabama. I am from Illinois, and I am from Massachusetts. You have to tell the truth to figure it out. All right, let's get on to what I want to talk about. Watch What Crappens Live. That's what I want to talk about. Watch What Crappens Live is a podcast that basically makes fun of the real housewives and all of that shit, right? So my wife always listens to it. So I was like, all right, you know, it's in the car. I'm trying to be easier to get along with. You know, so, you know, I'll listen to this shit. And I started listening to it. These two guys

were fucking funny as hell, Ben and Ronnie, and they basically go on there and they just recap what has happened on these real housewife shows. And they imitate everybody on the, it's like SNL for real housewives. And I got to admit, I don't even, I don't even know what they're talking about 90% of the time, but they're both so fucking funny. I've just started listening to it. So long story short, they were doing what, watch What Crappens Next. Whatever, watch What Happens. I've always, I always fuck it up. They were performing at a theater downtown in LA. So Nia goes, you know, I was going to bring one of my girlfriend, she can't make it. Do you want to go? And I was like, yeah, I'll go. She's like, are you sure? She always has to make sure I'm not

going to fuck things up because she loves these guys. So I'm like, yeah, no, I'll go down there. I'll have a great time. I'd love to go watch a show and not have to do a show, right? So I get in there, right? Bunch of brats. No, kidding. Those was wall to wall women, basically. And I got to tell you something, man, they were going fucking nuts. It was like, I highly recommend doing this, stepping into a world that you are paying no attention to, and just seeing and watching like fanatics of it, because these two guys came out. And like I said, I was watching the show, I probably only got about 15 to 20% of the jokes, but still just watching their performance. They basically, as far as I could tell, they have like bullet points.

All right. This is a comedian. I was just fascinated with it. They seemed like they had bullet points and what they wanted to talk about. And then they would just sort of improv on it. And they both had all of their impressions down. And they never stepped on each other. They did like a two-hour show. They were absolutely destroying. And then when they were doing some of the more popular characters, the crowd would start clapping the second they did them, like when you would watch SNL. And there's like a popular character who comes in halfway through the sketch, right? So I got to tell you, man, I had a fucking blast at that show. And the woman next to me, like these women were going off, man. She drank like the woman next to me passed out.

Like I was hanging out with Bartnick or something. She went that hard. She passed out under her husband's shoulder like at a live podcast. I mean, I never, like she was like tailgate level drinking. It was fucking awesome. And I don't know, if you get a chance to see those guys live or check out their podcast, it's called Watch What Crappens Next. And, you know, my favorite impressions they do are the New Jersey ones, because East Coast people are just inherently hilarious. I don't know why, probably because we're all a bunch of meatheads or whatever. But when they do them, that's like one of my favorites. And then when they imitate Andy Cohen, I love that one too. And then there was a couple that I don't know. Like the other ones, I didn't know, but they were just funny as hell,

man. So whatever. So if you're like me and your wife goes, hey, do you want to go see this shit? I highly recommend going there. And what's great is if you want, you can go there in booze and you will not be the drunkest person there, because they were getting after it. And they were like halfway through the show, like the women were just fucking talking. And they sort of plowed right through it when they were still killing over the top of it. And I don't know, I really, really enjoyed it. Fucking hilarious. Absolutely fucking hilarious. So there you go. That's promoting that. And also, to bring it back around to myself, I got a really small part in a really big movie, really big shoe. Dog starring Channing Tatum. Channing Tatum is out right now. Channing

Tatum plays a, I don't know if he's a veteran. He's a member of the armed services. All right. And he's got this dog and he's got to get, you know, it's like, get him to the Greek with a dog. Basically, I think, I don't know. But definitely go see that. It looks, it looks hilarious. You know, who doesn't love dogs? Who doesn't love Channing Tatum? And who doesn't love a bald, orange man showing up ever so briefly just to tease you, tease you with, with, with a dash of ginger towards the end of it. Check that out. It's, it's out now in the US. I don't know if you live other places. I don't know. It's, it's all coming out this week. So check it out. I got to work with him. He was cool as shit. Great guy and gave me a box of cigars. So shout out to him. And then

also we have the anything better podcast, me and Paul Furze. Episode 53 is up. It's available on YouTube and wherever you find your podcasts. All right. I think I handled everything. Was that it? Yeah. I think that that was it. And I'm still, I am still, I am still trying to get my whaaf to come on the podcast to talk about some shit, to talk about some shit that I want to talk about, but there's no way I can fucking talk about it unless she's here to defend herself. So what I think it's going to be is it's going to be a little tragedy plus time. All right. Cause I asked her tonight. I asked her tonight. I was like, I was like, honey, you want to come on the podcast and talk about that little incident?

She's like, no. I'm like, all right. She's like, I'm actually a little offended that you want to talk about it. And it's like, all right. Well, I started to talk about it on the podcast with Furze and I had him delete it. She's like, why would you want to talk about it? I go, cause it's fucking hilarious. So I'll work on it. I'll work on it. And, and, and eventually I'll get her, I'll get her to come around. So anyway, I actually had a really good weekend. A buddy of mine, my old boss from back in the day when I used to work in this warehouse was out here with his wife and family. And I got to hang out with them and just talk about the fucking old days, which I cannot believe.

I worked with this guy from 1986 to 1990. No, 1989, I believe. And I was just thinking back like, I come a year, so does that 20, 25 years? I'm like, oh my God. That's 36 years ago. Fuck. Fuck. Anyway, so we hung out and he's the exact same fucking guy. He was, you know, I like to think I am too. We just pick every time I see him, we just pick up right where we left off hanging out, just laughing, having a great time. And eventually the conversation comes around to something that is a sports fan. I will always regret. You know, one day, you know, he came walking out to the warehouse area where I was with all the other animals, shipping fucking software and stuff.

And he goes, hey, he goes, I got an extra ticket for the Bruins versus the Whalers in Hartford. I asked somebody else, you know, but do you want to, he hasn't got back to me. And if he doesn't get back to me, do you want to go? And I was like, yeah, I love to go. I don't know why the fuck I never went to a fucking Whalers game. It was right there and I had a car. I just never did it. It just seemed like a million miles away. Then of course, the other guy who was also, he was a good shit. He ended up taking the ticket at the last second and I didn't get to go and then, I don't know, you know, a couple of years goes by and next thing you know, I don't know. I'm fucking doing standup. I leave the job. I never go to a Whalers game. And then

they move to Carolina and there's no more Hartford Whalers ever again. It kills me as far as like places I didn't go as a hockey fan that I never went to see a Whalers game. I didn't go to the odd in Buffalo and I didn't go up to whatever the stadium was. I mean, this would have been a road trip and a half. I never went up to where the Quebec Nordiques played. Like I should have done an Adams Division road trip. I did make it to a Montreal Canadians game at the place before this place that they're playing in, which wasn't their original place. There was their second one. I went to that one. The second forum, fabulous forum. I did go up there in the 80s during the second golden age of hockey. But I know I talked about this

shit before, but that's back when the level of fucking hatred, fucking hatred in your division, it was just, it was like everybody was just so close together. You know what I mean? The Patrick division was the greatest. I mean, you could drive to like all of those fucking teams other than Pittsburgh, Long Island, drive into Manhattan. In Long Island, you see the islanders drive into Manhattan, see the Rangers, go through the Lincoln tunnel and fucking come out and go see the New Jersey Devils, drive down to Philly to the spectrum. I would have loved to see in the 76ers there, right? Go see the Flyers, down to DC to see the Capitals. And the only one that was fucking odd man out was the Pittsburgh Penguins, six hour drive away from to Philly, five and a

half, whatever. All depends if the fucking cops are out or not, dude. Yeah, so I was getting caught up with him and I was right with my buddy. He was also another Boston guy and we were just talking about movies and shit. And we're talking about what a big deal ratings were back in the day. You know, like directors wanted to get a rated PG if they got a rated R, like that really affected the box office and they used to fight with sensors and all of that, or they'd take something out or switch words around in the script so they could get a PG because then, you know, more families would come, more families, more tickets, more box office, you know, and then they could keep, you know, doing blow up in their fucking Hollywood Hills

home as they tried to figure out what's the next movie. And I remember when I was a kid, after a while, if it wasn't rated R, I wouldn't even go to the movie. I had no fucking interest in it. I'm just like, this isn't going to be good. This is going to be fake and it's going to have a happy ending. And we were joking around about how people used to say it. In Massachusetts, it was rated R rated R. I can't even say, forget about dropping ours. We couldn't even say R. It was, ah, QIS. Dude, let's go, my, dude, my parents took me to see a fucking rated R movie this weekend. Rated R. Rated A H H. Oh, God. I really do love where I'm from. And if I didn't have kids,

I swear to God, and if I could survive in this business, I would definitely really consider going back there. Like I think, I don't know what it is. I think that that weekend I had last year, not weekend, the 10 days I spent back there, I'm at least going to do that every year. And my game plan is to, you know, take my kids back and go to Red Sox games and get them rooting for the right teams. You know, but, you know, if they start rooting for LA teams, I'm not going to fight it, unless it's the Lakers. I mean, I can't have that. So how I combat it as I bring them back once a year, we'll go to a sporting event in the summertime and then I get all four sports packages and I don't force it on them. I just watch Bruins, Celtics, Patriots and Red Sox games out here.

So hopefully eventually they get into that. Oh my God, that would fucking crush me. That would fucking crush me. Ah, the Lakers. Oh my God. Somehow they've almost eclipsed. I don't know. I wouldn't say the Yankees or the Canadians. Those are the big three though. You know, football is another deal. You know what I mean? Even if my, one of my kids became a Colts fan, I just think like Johnny Unidis, I think the real Colts, the Baltimore Colts, you know, not when they moved out to Indianapolis and got the sniffles and started complaining every time they lost in the playoffs. That's not legal. Yes, it is. Well, it shouldn't be. Anyway, I don't know. But anyway, getting back to it, I feel like, yeah,

but also I go back there during the summer. So it's great. I'm not sitting there right now in the misery, the fucking misery of January and February. Shout out to anybody in the snowy cities. You're almost out of it. All right, we're going into March in like a lamb out like a lion, dude. I don't miss that. I do not miss January to February through February. Those fucking, you know, 59 to six every once in a while, 60 days when you get a leap year. Do not miss that at all. But I will tell you this, we were scouting some locations. Okay, I know that sounds Hollywood, but that's what we were doing, which just means you're looking at places to possibly shoot the bullshit that you wrote. And we went out to a casino in the middle of the desert.

And the place ended up being great. And we were there. Like, you know, we showed up like, I don't know, probably around noon. And it was during the week and it wasn't the holidays. So all it was was all like these snowbirds out there, all these old people. And I got to tell you something, man, they made retirement look really good. Because these were like people that were still drinking, you know, they weren't getting hammered, but you know, they had like their fucking Rob Roy or whatever, an old fashioned, whatever their fucking drink was. And I really realized the importance that when you get old, and your kids move out and all of that, there has to be, you need another old couple in your life that you can go hang out with.

Because I saw like these four top tables and there would be two old guys and two old women. And they were hanging out and they were just laughing, having a great time. And they were just part of that generation where you just, you know, they're just eating how they always ate and they're still having drinks and shit. And this, I don't know, there's something really to be said about that. And I was just thinking like, the only thing that sucks about that, you have to wait for some reason to be that old to enjoy that life. You know, if anything makes me want to be smart and not fucking be an idiot with finances is like, when I look at that shit, like I would love,

fucking love to do that. At like 65, just become like semi retired. You know what I mean? And then just be that guy walking around with that shit eating grin on your face because you don't give a fuck, you know? What are you doing today? I'm gonna go out and get the paper. Actually have time to read the paper. Can you imagine? You know, I went into a bodega to get a cream soda. I swear to God, I wanted a root beer and they didn't have it. So A&W makes a cream soda. So I was like, all right, at first I thought it was the root beer. I was excited, but it was a cream soda. Underrated cream soda, which it's a little too sweet, I'll be honest with you. It's kind of like me. It's a little sweet. So anyway,

I went in there and the guy had like newspaper racks. I was like, oh, do you sell the paper? And he's like, nah, nah, we stopped selling it four years ago. He's like, we just used the old newspaper racks to keep people away from the counter because of the COVID bullshit. And I was like, oh, all right, all right. And I was like, oh, it sucks. There's nothing better. Part of being an old man, you got to have a newspaper, right? You got to have it rolled up, you know? Smacking your pets on the snout, poking your grandkids in the chest. I said, you've been in the ice box enough to sit out. God damn it. I grew up near the Great Lakes. The White Hurricane. You ever hear it? Yeah. I think all of this shit just when I think about

retiring or moving back to Massachusetts or just sitting on a porch and drinking myself to death, that's my brain's dysfunctional way of saying, Bill, you need a vacation. I know that sounds fucked up, but I kind of figured out how my brain works. My brain is all or nothing. That's why I had to stop boozing and make sure my other bad habits stay in check because I'm either fucking in it or I'm out of it. So I just have to make sure that I apply it to the right thing. If I have that all in thing with healthy shit, I'm in shape. I can have a project. I can make it happen. You know what I mean? I can make a dream come true or whatever, but if it's the bad shit, then all of that stuff happens. So I think that's just how my brain,

what my brain can't process. Bill, why don't you just take a vacation? The brain immediately goes to, I'm fucking retiring from this shit and I'm going to get a little house with a big back porch and I'm just going to stare at some trees and I'm going to get a thousand bottles of bourbon and I'm going to see if I can finish all of them before I croak. Well, you know, Bill, you could take 10 days off here or there, recharge your batteries, get some stories, rediscover why it is you do what you do. You could do that, right? I don't know. I'm fucked up. Anyway, it's the NBA All-Star Weekend, everybody, aka the Hora Olympics.

This is when the blue chip, gold digging horse, fly in to whatever city the game is in with nothing but thongs and turkey basters trying to get themselves impregnated by these 20-something-year-old and 30-something-year-old millionaires. And I'll tell you, I will know that feminism and the Me Too movement has put their money where their mouth is when they say that they want equality and they just want everything to be a level playing field. The day that they shift their attention onto women like that and try to help out those poor NBA players who are going to go out there, see a perfect ass and are fucking racket titties and not know what to do, all right? And women, what do they do?

They blame guys. Well, that's your fault. That's your fucking fault for fucking being there, you know? You're faking what you did. That's fucking your fault, right? None of this shit's there for everything that we do is our fucking fault. Well, what were you doing? That's your fault for playing basketball and being really good at it. You'll be hilarious. If I was running the NBA, well, the players would get mad at me, but once they realized I was just trying to protect them and their fortune, I would have the NBA All-Star Game in Utah. And then I would book them in super, super religious fucking stupid. This is just stereotyping Utah. All the Mormons would somehow chase the whores out. It's kind of like planting a garden where you got to have

the right plants that kind of work in unison that attract different bugs that then fight each other so they kill each other and then your crops grow, something like that. I talked to a farmer one time. I don't know. There's got to be a way to do that with Mormons and whores in the NBA All-Star Game. There's got to be a triangle offense of vagina and dick somewhere in there that we can keep people separate. There's just nothing worse as a man to see another guy go after a dream, make it fucking happen, and then lose all his money to a whore. That's just not something that if you're truly happy with your life that you would want to see. And that's my take on the NBA All-Star Game. Sorry.

This is how good I've been eating. I've been eating so perfectly. This afternoon, I went down a rabbit hole looking at different recipes for banana splits. I don't think I've had a banana split since I had a paper route 40 something fucking years ago. For some reason, I was just like, well, at this point, there's no fucking way people are still making the banana split with chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry ice cream. At some point, I know somebody, Guy Fieri or Emeril Lagasse, somebody, bam, kicked it up a notch. Somebody must have their own new take on it. And for the life of me, I couldn't find anybody. A few people caramelized the fucking

bananas. But it's still just sort of that like, you know, I mean, it looks like a dessert from the 1800s. I guess that's when it came out. There's like two cities that actually fight over who came up with it. Kind of lets you know the level of excitement that's going on in both those cities. I mean, they actually argue over it. There's a place in Ohio and then a place in Pennsylvania and Pennsylvania, according to historians about desserts. That's fucking hilarious. Can you imagine being a historian? Somebody fact checks like desserts. Like remember that show Pawn Stars? By the way, one of the most like just as far as just misrepresenting an industry, Pawn Stars, 100%, just misrepresented all of that.

Like, I was in a pawn shop one time before I watched Pawn Stars. I was selling a keyboard, if you can believe it. The first time I lived in LA, I had a sparsely furnished one bedroom apartment with just a little keyboard because I had no musical outlet and I wasn't going to get by a guitar because I'd given up on that and I played drums and I just, you can't play drums in one bedroom apartment. So I was like, I'll learn how to play the piano. I swear to God, I was doing that. It was a low point in my life. But I was too detached from my emotions to realize how pathetic my life was at that point. So anyway, I'm moving back to New York and I'm selling all my shit and lo and behold, nobody wants the Casio keyboard and there was a pawn shop down the street.

So I went in and I sold it and the guy gave me like $9 or some shit. I don't know what it was and I was like, all right, I'm good. I'm out. So I left and I've kind of forgot about that pawn shop and I started watching pawn stars. And when you watch that fucking show, you get this idea that you're going to go down there and in that pawn shop is anything from a fucking numbers matching muscle car from the late sixties to a Super Bowl ring. And the reality is as you walk in and it's just a bunch of shit. It's just wall to fucking wall shit. And I know that there are stories out there where people have found shit that people didn't know what they had. But I'm telling you the amount of shit that you're going to have to wade through. It's just it's not even

fucking worth it. Oh, by the way, congratulations to Canada. Oh, Canada. The women won the fucking gold medal beating the USA ladies. I wish I saw that game. I'm actually a big fan of women's sports, believe it or not. Unlike women, I actually watch women's sports. I actually support them. Women's hockey is great. Women in the UFC are fucking incredible women's tennis volleyball for the game and other reasons. You know, you can't really count those you can't count like you know, that shit like beach volleyball. If you're sitting there with half a stiffy you're really a fucking fan you got to be honest. I like women's softball to get it back on the fucking rails. I just love watching those pictures that fucking delivery they'll right there Fred right to the

fucking mitt. I don't know how anybody hits that shit. I like that I like when the fucking I like when the ringers get up and then they're facing some chick with some heat. And you get to see the classic battle power versus power. Is she going to go yard? I don't know but women they just I don't know they just don't they just don't fucking they don't watch it. Anyway, oh we got a new advertiser here on the podcast on the podcast here masterclass everybody www.masterclass.com with masterclass you can learn from the world's best minds. Unlike when you listen to me these people are actually going to be smart smart and informed anytime anywhere at your own pace.

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It's incredible. I got to check out the Gordon Ramsay ones. Not only do I like the way he cooks I like the stuff that he cooks. Members can explore at their own pace. Each class is supported by downloadable materials lessons recipes or more hundreds of videos. You want to talk about just having a great time. If you're worn out from work you go do this. Get better at your hobby and who knows maybe your hobby will come become your job there. Hundreds of video lessons from 100 plus of today's most more over 100 of today's most brilliant minds are available anytime anywhere on iOS Android desktop Apple TV Amazon Fire TV and Roku. I would highly recommend if I was going to check out anything Questlove, Tom Morello, Gordon Ramsay. Who else did I see on there?

Where is it? Masterclass. I was actually going through this. You want to learn, you want to learn storytelling and hip hop? They got a guy named Nas. Ringo Starr talks drumming. This is all the music things. Carlos Santana guitar lesson. Do you want to be a DJ for all you young kids? They got Dead Mouse does one. Timbaland will teach you how to make some beats. Who else do they all categories? Here are the categories. I kind of went down a rabbit hole on this one. All right, let's check out writing. Something I'm trying to learn how to do. All right, Issa Rae who created and starred in her own, was it HBO? Absolutely crushed that.

Classic writers. I don't know any other Aaron Sorkin. There we go. David Mamet. Judy Bloom. She's only written a thousand books. Okay, I need to know more about writers. I didn't recognize any of that. That's like I was literally I felt like I was back in math class when I just did that. All right, that was a bad one. Let's go food. We're going to go food here. You find out what you want to do. James Suckling. Thomas Keller. I don't know any of these people either. Damn it, Bill. Come on. Wolfgang Puck. I know Roy Choi. They got everybody on here. Oh, they got Sheila E also talking about how to play drums and all. Bill, we get it. All right, get unlimited access to every

masterclass. And as a Monday morning podcast listener, you get 15% off an annual membership. Go to masterclass.com slash burr, B-U-R-R now. That's masterclass.com slash burr for 15% off masterclass. Good Lord, man. I clicked on writing. That was just, I felt like I was watching Jeopardy. I'll take popular American writers for 1500. Do you know, somebody sent me a video, a clip. I was the answer. I couldn't believe it. This is like a moment in your entertainment career. I was the answer to a question on Jeopardy. And the guy sends me the clip and I was like, holy shit. They were like, this comedian's last, the last name begins with B was one of the people on efforts for family. I'm like, holy

shit. And then they go to three of the smartest people ever. And they just sat there staring at the guy and it's like, beep, beep. Then they got it wrong. So all my excitement went out the window. It's like, Bill, you were an answer on Jeopardy, but nobody knew the end. No one knew who you were. Bum, bum, bum, dum, bam. All right, let's read some of the, some of the stories here for this week. Dumb criminal story. Dear Billy Scarlett scrotum burr. I love it. Love the show. Love all you do. This is my dumb criminal story. I live in the Great White North and living in British Columbia. The drinking age is 19. Wait, what? I live in the Great White North and living in British Columbia. I'm so stupid. All I saw was Columbia and I was thinking South

America. Okay. British Columbia, Canada. What happened to the men's team? It's one of the provinces. Vancouver is in British Columbia. Right? Okay. Anyway, the drinking age is 19. So my buddies and I figured out, figured we'd go to Alberta at 18 to party in downtown Calgary. I can tell you right now that's a mistake. To Calgary is a drinking town. I would not go there. And they got like fucking, those are cattle people. You could get, I would think you could get seriously fucked up if you looked at the wrong cowboy. Like I always looked at Alberta like this is Texas. You know, it's oil fields and fucking, you know, cattle. And then I feel like Edmonton is like the Austin of like Alberta where they think that they're better than everybody else out there.

That's what I feel. All right. Anyway, this dickhead comes up to us with a knife while we waited to get into this, into the show we were going to. Buddy asked, I love when they say that, that's North, that's Canadian buddy. Buddy asked me, what do you think of this? And flashed me the knife. I told him, I give him 50 bucks for it. Wow. Look at you fucking just coming up with this Steven Segal line. Oh, I thought he was pulling the knife on you. I thought the guy pulled the knife on you like, what do you think of this? And you say, I'll give you 50 bucks. No, I'm mugging you. All right. Buddy gives me the knife. I throw it in the trash, beat the fucking wheels off him and took my money, took back my money. Wait a minute.

This really happened. Well, there goes my theory on Calgary. One of my favorite stories to tell. Anyway, hope you found it as funny as I did. Have a great day and go fuck yourself. Okay. When he said, what do you think of this? Was he trying to mug you? Buddy asked me, what do you think of this? And flashed me the knife. I told him, I give him 50 bucks for it. Buddy gives me the knife. I throw it in the trash, beat the fucking wheels off him and took back my money. You definitely don't live in Vancouver. I didn't get that vibe in Vancouver, but you're, are you north of the city? All right. The moral of the story is don't pull a knife on anybody in fucking Canada.

Lunatics. Everybody thinks they're fucking nice up there. Look at the sport they created and know that fighting is legal. Oh, they're so nice and polite. All right. 22. 22 caliber robbery story. Dear Billy Bumblebutt, on a recent podcast you asked for robbery stories. I got one for you that I think you'll appreciate, especially given your old bit about how a 22 caliber is all you need. Years ago I worked on a construction crew with two old guys who were best buds and had worked together for years in the DC area. One black, one white. Charlie, a 70 year old white guy told me a story about Jimmy with an eye like Hendricks, a 69 year old black guy. Jimmy owned a car repair garage in DC in the seventies. One day a white guy came in and stuck

a gun in his face and demanded his cash from the register. Jimmy not wanting any trouble, opened the till and handed it over. But after the robber took the money, he called Jimmy a nasty name, I will not repeat here, I imagine, and hit him across the head with his revolver before running out the door. This pissed Jimmy off so he grabbed a 22 pistol from under the counter and went after the guy. He caught up with him in the parking lot and shot him in the leg with the 22. The guy crawled under a car. As Charlie told me in his thick Virginia accent, Jimmy was there trying to shoot him again. The police showed up and arrested both of them. The white robber did a year in jail and Jimmy being a black guy in DC in the seventies,

had to do a few months himself for shooting a white guy. Wow. After about a year or two, Jimmy is back at work at his garage and who should walk in but the fucking robber. He walked up to Jimmy and said, Hey, I just wanted to let you know I'm out of jail now. Jimmy looked him square in the face and said, Well, I just want to let you know I got rid of my 22 and I now got a 38. The guy backed out of the place and Jimmy never had any more trouble from him. Wow. Well, I was hoping for a happy ending. I just got out of jail and I want to say, you know, I shouldn't have called you that word and I shouldn't have. I'm on the straight and narrow and I'm looking for a job. Wow. That's a couple of men, man stories right there. I can't, I can't follow

any of those. I got, all right, I got a robbery story. I got punked out of some money at downtown crossing downtown fucking crossing in Boston in the early eighties doing Christmas shopping in front of Long's jewelry. They just punked me out of the money. They said that they needed money for the subway and then his tall friend who looked like fucking weird Harold from fat Albert goes, you better do what he says. I just gave him the money. That fucking bugged the shit out of me, but like rather than just taking the ass kicking, you know, in hindsight, I did the right thing because I was going to lose Santa Rob's a bank. Hey there, Billy ball bruiser. I'll get straight to the point. We're all busy a few years back during Santa con Santa con a Santa robbed a bank.

Wait a second. It's just like comic con, but with Santa clauses. So there's a bunch of Santa's walking around. So a guy dressed this is that's brilliant. Santa con Santa con 2021 brings out. Oh my God. It's a bunch of fucking jerk offs dressed like Santa. Okay, it is. All right. A few years back during Santa con a Santa robbed a bank. What is Santa con? You ask Santa con is a day where a bunch of idiots dressed like Santa Claus and bar hop all day and night. All right. Are they idiots? I mean, that sounds like fun. If you just go in there like, oh, ho, ho, I love Christmas. You're standing there sweating your ass off in that dumb outfit. But once you, if you're just bar hopping, that seems great. And you know, there's going to be

some chicks out there. That's going to be a fetish. Then you got the little Santa closets showing up. I mean, whatever, you know, it's all it is. Is it just for kids? I don't think so. Well, this particular Santa con, one smart Santa out of all the idiots hatched a genius plan. He dressed as Santa walked out of a huge crowd of Santas on the street and into a downtown San Francisco bank. He pulled his beard slightly down and waited in line. When he got to the teller, he handed her a note that said he was armed into empty the drawer. He grabbed a few stacks of cash, put it in his Santa bag and walked back out on the street as to instantly blend in with thousands of other Santas. Fucking genius. They never got him.

You can Google this story even with your remedial Googling skills. Hey, man, come on. All right, open the link. Santa, this is in the LA times. Doesn't necessarily mean it's true with those fucking lunatics or any of them, I should say. At least one Santa Claus in San Francisco is not carrying a sack full of toys. It's December 16, 2014. Good for him. Good for him. All right. Attempted robber eye. Hey, Oli. Hey, hey, old Billy bank. Back in 2020, my wife and I were on vacation together down in Orlando and went over to Daytona for a couple of nights for a NASCAR ride along at the Speedway and to check out the area. When we got there, we went into a subway for a quick lunch. And while we

were sitting and eating, this guy walks in with a hoodie, hoodie up a gator mask on and hand in his pocket like he has a gun. He says to two teenagers working there, give me all the money. They stood back and told the guy he needed to leave. He proceeded to threaten them and keep saying to give up the money, but they didn't and could care less what he was doing. After a minute or so, the manager comes out back with a mop and says, Willie, you get out of here. The robber responds, I'm not Willie. You need to give me all the money. The manager then starts to come around the counter saying, you get the fuck out of here or I'm going to bust your head. Willie says, okay, fine, just give me a cold cut trio and no one gets hurt. I almost died laughing, then realized my

wife was terrified. I assume that they knew the guy based on their reaction to begin with, but my wife clearly did not. Willie left without a sandwich and the manager came over and apologized, says that's just a crackhead that comes in and is harmless. If he bothers you when you leave, just tell him to go away or you'll beat his ass. We ended up going back to the speedway for my ride along and then she got a refund on the hotel room when we drove back to Orlando. I'll never forget the look on her face as I busted out laughing when I heard him ask for a sandwich still to this day. Whenever she pulls the typical wife, what do you feel like having for dinner? I respond with just give me a cold cut trio. That's awesome. Big fan loved the podcast. My

six year old son and I have watched every Mandalorian episode multiple times and you are great in it. Well, thank you so much and thank you to everybody over at the Mandalorian that writes the Mandalorian because without them I'm just a guy in a space outfit. All right, moved in with girlfriend and gained 30 pounds. Oh, Jesus. Jesus. Now you can't leave. Hey, Bill, a long time listener, I need help here. I used to be a crossfitter. I love how I looked. It wasn't to attract women, but it was more for myself. I love the feeling of having a body that wasn't being weighed down by fat. It was amazing. Later I moved in with my girl, stopped doing crossfit. Why did you stop? Because, oh, because that's a $200 a month and Bill's took the front of it. Oh,

back to her. She has always been the chubby nerdy type girl. I love her tits. I love her tits captivated me from the beginning, but she also is about 30 pounds overweight. You guys couldn't meet in the middle and just be 15 over in the beginning. I thought it could change her, but she actually changed me. You know, never underestimate the power of a rack of titties. I started eating like she does and I gained 30 pounds. She will compromise and go to the gym once a week, but she won't change your eating habits. She described herself as a foodie. It's really an attic. You know, if you're doing something like that and it's hurting you. It's a term for someone who loves food. It makes their personality about loving food and cooking food,

or some other people like to call it a fatty. Exactly. By the way, she makes healthy food. It's just that she eat mindlessly without thinking mindlessly like that fucking sentence. How many words are you going to leave out in this thing? Bill, what do you, what would you do? Thank you. And then he says in some language, I don't know, vet a la chingada, vet a la ching, I gotta say that fast, vet a la chingada, a la chingada, vet a la chingada. Go fuck yourself. I just became a ring tone in like Venezuela or some shit. Anyway, what would I do? Well, listen, if she wants to be fat and you like her that way, she can be fat. 30 pounds overweight coming at you with those nice tits. What do you give a shit? All right. I think you just don't want to have the same size. You don't

want to be able to borrow her bras. You don't want the same size titties as hers. So what I would do is I would just say, listen, I'm not going to pressure you. I wouldn't even say that. I would just fucking fork over 200 bucks a month and start going to CrossFit again. All right. That's it. Then I keep myself in good shape. And as far as wanting her to get in good shape and better shape, there's nothing you can do about it. You can't make somebody want to get in shape. They have to want to do it. And if they don't, they don't, don't waste your time with that. That is their choice. It's, oh my God, I fucking hate when I do that. I accidentally shut it off. Now I got to splice these things together. It's her body, her choice, man. Don't tell her what to do with her body.

All right. If she wants to fucking make s'mores and stick them in an ice cream sandwich, that's on her, but you don't have to get dragged down to her level. All right. That's what they always say. You got to watch out who you hang out with because eventually you're going to be doing what they're doing. So maybe if you start going to the gym, if you start setting an example and just get back into insane fucking shape again, you know, maybe she'll come along with you. But I think it's cool that she, you know, she sounds cool. She liked you when you were in shape. She likes you when you're 30 pounds over. So it sounds like you got a good one there, but I would just, you know, you guys sound like you're young. The thing about that shit is when you're young,

it doesn't really affect you, but then one day it all comes crashing down and you have all of these fucking health issues and your knees start giving out and you got to go on pills and then that fucks with your liver and it just, it just takes you down. It takes you down. So I hate to be the fucking old guy here, but good eating habits are important to establish those when you're younger. So then when you get older, you can go out and get a root beer float and fucking crush some old fashions, you know, it's always those little fucking spry people that keep on living. Whatever, like I said, you can't make her do anything she doesn't want to do. It sounds like you're doing what she's doing and you don't really want to be doing it. So I'd go back to doing what

you did before and then that's it. It's 200 bucks. Fuck it. It's only $200. You're probably eating fucking $300 worth of fries a month. All right. Okay, that's it. That's the podcast, everybody. Thank you so much for listening. I'm about to get really busy. So I'm going to do the best I can with these podcasts. I will definitely be having the Monday morning podcast every week, but for the month of March, it's going to get a little fucking crazy here. But I'm going to try to knock out as many as I can. That is it. I appreciate your support. That is all. Match Madness is coming up. Start watching some college hoops. All right, go fuck yourselves and I'll check in on you on Thursday.