Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 2-22-21

Episode Date: February 22, 2021

Bill rambles about Texas, train living, and cankles.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday Morning Podcast. For Monday, February 22nd, what's going on? How? Ah, yeah! How's it going? How was your week?

Are you having a good one? Ah, that's good. Everybody back east and in the Midwest and out in Texas. Woo! That fucking horse is frozen. Is that what happened? Jesus Christ. Texas is hilarious, man.

I love that they have their own grid. I know that it didn't work out, you know what I mean? But I like what they're doing out there. You know, I guess there's the east coast grid, the west coast grid, and the Texas grid. They were just like, fuck you. We're having our own electricity, all right? You know? And like most people, when they're working it out, you know, there's going to be a little

bugs. But you wait. You wait some day. You wait some day when some terrorist comes over here and pisses on some fucking transformer out in the east coast and nobody has power, right? And another one does it out in the west and they think they've got the whole fucking country, but Texas will still be up and running. Their pops ain't froze over.

They're still going to be up and running. And that's going to be it. And they're going to have a two-pronged attack. You send half your crazy fucking Texans with their AR-15s and their fucking cattle prodders to the east and the other half out to the west and they'll fucking settle it, right? Then all the liberal Larrys on the coast are going to have to sit there and be like, you know what? Okay.

So like, yeah, I mean, I guess AR-15s and cattle prods can work in certain situations, but I just want to say for me that when that guy peed on the transformer, I was in the middle of a Botox meeting. Anyway, shout out to anybody in fucking, you know what I'm going to, I'm going to shout, I'm just going to shout out right now to the real men, the real men and women in Texas right now who can actually listen to this because there's a lot of people that go to Texas, right? They go out there, they buy a pickup truck and some cowboy boots.

They start walking to walk, right? Listening to country music, little fucking dip between a cheek and gum, right? They're not about it. They don't have a roundup. Some fucking rattlesnake, split it down at the belly, cook that fucker. If you're listening right now and you're in Texas, you were smart enough to get a backup generator. You know, I'm not talking to the people sitting in a car right now with fucking earmuffs on.

You know, if their car plugged in, you know, charging off their car, I'm not talking about that shit. I'm not talking about you people. I'm talking about, I'm talking about the real Texans who can trace their bloodlines back to Sam Houston. Anyways, I'm just fucking around. That's a shit situation out there. So hopefully, you know, actually, well, someday they're going to look back on it.

Probably someday soon, I would say it would be July. They're going to look back. Remember when it was freezing out, you know, as opposed to having your balls melting into your thigh? Yeah, Texas, crazy weather in Texas, reptiles and everything. It's not for the faint of heart. And I love that state. And that's my last tour.

I toured in Dallas, Austin and Houston, and I had a great fucking time. College football is big out there. So I hope your pipes get unfrozen soon. All right. Oh, Freckles got some energy this week. I did some shows. I'm recording this thing right before the Bruins versus the fucking Flyers in Lake Tahoe. I wonder if Michael Corleone is going to go there.

I don't like you people out here with your greasy hair and your oily skin. Godfather too. Isn't that where they were at? Lake Tahoe. Lake Tahoe. You know, I was thinking, you know, with all this crazy weather, global warming and all of that shit, you know, someday when I get older, you know, if I live long enough to have grandkids, I figure I got to live to be like 90 for that, you know, I'll say

shit like not 90. I can make it into my 80s. I think I can do it. And I'll be like, remember when I was a kid, they could, you could play hockey outside. It gets so cold. The water would freeze. What does frozen water look like, Grandpa? You wouldn't believe it if I told you.

And you could stand on it. It could skate on it. Cross check your friend in the teeth and say, I'm sorry I didn't see you. Then that point, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, some fucking robot will come in, bring in some fucking liquid food. Really built in the future is the robot still gonna be like, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, in my world it is. Fuck you guys.

You don't, you don't, do you really come on this podcast for the production value? All right, no green screens here, man. Just pure uncut ignorance. Let's plow ahead. Everyone's lost to the devils the other night. Devils strong team as always, you know, they get Lindy Ruff behind the bench as Joe Bartnick says from the great puck off podcast, you get Lindy Ruff, immediately turns the teams around you're going to get an extra 15, 20 wins a year.

Okay. The man knows how to fucking get a team together. So yeah, they dominated the first two periods and then as always, Bruins best third period team in the NHL, at least in the, from what I've seen and I've only watched the Bruins so I'm sticking with it. I think it was two nothing, then they came back and we made it two to one, I believe. I think we lost two to one or was it three to two? I don't remember.

It was a few days ago and I kind of was coming home late night to watch the games Celtics beat up the fucking Hawks. That was nice. Took that one early, 33 or 32 points in the first two quarters was liking that. I think we played them again, maybe tonight, I'm not sure, but I just tape all this shit and then after everybody goes to bed, I just, I go through the game having a great fucking time. So speaking of a great time, I did some shows last week because I was getting ready.

I was going to do a benefit online and I did some shows out in Venice. I got to run my hour and had such a fucking good time. I'm really, it was just amazing. You know what I mean? To have people there, you know, they had masks on and shit and they were all fucking spread out. It was hilarious. Like on the other side of a pool and then there was like people up high.

But you know, yeah, I'm just sort of used to what that sounds like now. So now I can kind of get on like a roll, you know, whereas before just the whole thing just sounded like bombing. So I would be questioning myself while the crowd's like, no, we're having a good time. It's just not a lot of us. So gathering, let's dial it back here. It's not a crowd. I did some stand up for a gathering of people out in Venice and I did two shows.

I did one show Wednesday, no, one Thursday and one Friday and it felt fucking great. You know, the first night I just did it and then I left, cruised home because I had to put my daughter to bed and the second she went to bed, you know, she goes to bed around seven and the show was at eight. I jumped in my car, cruised out there, literally walked in, poured a cup of tea, my throat coat, drank a little bit because I'm not good at writing jokes, so I have to scream the F word really loudly to get the laughs, went on stage, did my shit, said, thank you. I'll see you guys tomorrow night, jumped in my car, went home and I was home by like fucking

like 930, cruised out, came right back. It was great, right? So the next night, my lovely wife came with me and I can't remember the last time I took her to a show, right? She came out and then that night we ended up hanging out a little bit and I got to take my wife, oh my God, she looked gorgeous. She looked gorgeous. She's back at it, man.

She's always pretty, but you know what I mean? Now she's been like, all right, okay. We're on the other side of two kids, you know, she's been eating great, working out, just absolutely crushing it and she had a new coat on and looked fucking stunning and I told her how good she looked the whole fucking way home. It was great, you know, and then we stopped off at a little taco truck, you know, felt bad that I was fucking up a diet, but the next day she's like, no, I ate it this time and I'm not eating, I wait 12 hours and she's just fucking on it, like she took our kid

out with some other kids and they got ice cream, she didn't get the ice cream, so today when I took my kid, you know, doing the balance bike thing, that's the daddy daughter date. We go to the park, we go around on the balance bike. She tries to run over my toes, laughing her ass off, not realizing she's learning how to ride a bike. I've never been more wrong about the balance bike. The balance bike is the shit. All you old dads out there with your fucking training wheels, just throw them out the window.

It's stupid. It doesn't work, right? Although I think you're supposed to, they finally figured out you're supposed to have them be a little higher than the tire, not just on the ground, so they're sort of like sort of teetering. Now that makes more sense. That's more of a balance bike, I would think. So if you are going to put on training wheels, I would recommend that the training wheels

are like an inch higher maybe than the back tire and then I think it could work. But anyway, I'm totally sold on that and I've been having a great time with it. So my wife has been inspiring me because I put on like fucking 10 pounds and I'm like, all right, if you're doing this, I'll be doing it too. So I'm very proud of her. And like I said, she looks amazing, which is pretty awesome, pretty awesome to have a fucking beautiful wife. I've got to be honest with you, even though I'm a fucking pain in the ass, I still lucked

out there. So anyway, plowing ahead here. So I was taking my daughter over to go to the fucking park, right? I don't know, man. I just been in a mood. I thought I got on the other side of this shit, I thought, okay, all I got to do is if I have issues with people, I just sort of talk to them about it and everything was good.

But then, you know what I find? I figured out something else that gets my anger going is I try to do too much shit in a day. I always have like 15 fucking things I'm going to do and then I'm running out of time and I try and rush through shit and it puts me in a shitty mood. So I'm driving down the street, right? I'm getting close to the park. We're on the side street and there's one of these fucking bicycle cunts who's just way

out in the road. There's no fucking reason to be that far out in the road. He was like literally like 20 feet away from the curb. He's in the middle of the road. So I'm like, you fucking douche, right? So I fucking went around him, right? And I stopped at a stop sign and you know what he did? He rode to the left side of my car, blew through the stop sign and went, whoo, and kept going,

right? I felt this fucking twinge of anger in me that I kind of forgot that my kid was in the car and I was actually thinking like, am I going to, I'm not going to fight this guy? Like, I'm not fighting this guy, I'm fucking 52 years old with bad shoulders. I drove up alongside him and I quickly went back down like, okay, my kid's here, I can't say anything. I just drove by and he looked at me, waited for me to say something. I just pointed at my brain like, you know, whatever, you know, smart guy, right?

You dumb fuck, trying to prove a point so you pass me on the left and you blow through a stop sign. My daughter wasn't there because it was a little chunky. What I would have said was, if you keep doing that, your bicycle's just going to be as frosted as the donuts you've been eating, you fat fuck. But you know what? When your kid is there, you can't say those things. You just got to, you know, I don't know what, I don't know what, but it was fucking funny.

And I actually got to tip my cap to him because he was right because I was impatient and we were coming up to a stop sign anyway. It's just like people on bikes kind of trigger my fucking anger and other shit. It has nothing to do with them, okay? The guy's trying to get in shape, God bless him. It's a nice fucking Sunday afternoon. And then some bald orange douche comes over impatient because he's got too much shit going on.

Like I was literally in the car with my daughter talking to her while also listening to a French lesson. And she's going, daddy, you're not listening to me. You're not listening to me. You're not listening to me. And I was just like, what am I doing? You know, and I learned from my drum lesson that, you know, if you fucking practice in drums in front of the TV, you're doing both of those terribly, not as well.

You're not focusing on the TV 100% and you're not playing drums 100%. So both of them are like toned down. So I was just like, what am I doing? This is the daddy daughter date. So I turned off the French and then all of a sudden we were having great conversations. She was telling me all about the kids at school. She always tells me like, you know, so-and-so was talking during the nap and this person's really fast when they run and this person does this and this person does that like just

tells like the whole thing, tells me, you know, you know, I can always tell the boys she likes cause she talks about them more than she talks about the others. The whole thing is so damn cute. And I'm really enjoying her school that she goes to and, and then my son, I don't know, my son put it this way, this kid likes the ladies, all right? He likes his dad, but I'm telling you, if there's a female in the room, he's looking at her and then reaching over like, why don't you hold me instead of this, what have this fucking, I don't know, orange snowman here.

So, but I've been having a great time hanging out with the kids. Okay. So look at me. This is classic brain all over the fucking place cause I got 15,000 fucking things going. I got 9,000 things I'm trying to talk to you about. Bill, just pick one fucking thing and talk about it. All right. Look, I just got mad at myself.

Um, so anywho, I was, uh, so my apologies to the guy on the bike. Uh, I'm going to try to do better with that shit. Um, yeah, I have to do better with that shit. I really do. I got to like, I've been, I've been really good about it, especially cause I say on my podcast that these fucking guys annoy this shit out of me. God forbid I ever hit one of them and it's going to be like, Hey, it was building up. If you listen to his podcast, okay, can I, I'd like to submit the podcast from February

22nd, 2020. I don't know why it's a Southern lawyer, but you always feel like if you're getting railroaded, right? There's always a Southern lawyer there. At least that's how Hollywood does it. You know, that's how they fucking do it. Another thing that they do is that whenever there's a movie about racist white people, I used to do a bit about this.

They always have to have the one, like whatever year, if the movie came out in 2007, there's always one white person that is 2007 woke, right, or 2020, 2021 or whatever, you know? So then like, you got it. So then you can get all the white people saying all the racist stuff and then you got the one, the one fucking like, Hey man, like, I don't think I agree with these are human beings, man. And that character exists for one fucking reason and one reason only. And so white people can sit in the theater and lie to themselves that in 1938, that's

the white person they would have been. So then they can separate themselves from these other white people, right? It's like now I see like female comics calling other white women, Karen's in the crowd because they're separating themselves to be like, I'm aware of this term and I'm obviously not that if I call somebody else. This is what always happened, which is what I enjoyed so much about this movie that I just saw over the weekend, Judas and the Black Messiah. What I loved about Jesse Plemmons character is they didn't do that with him.

They made him, you know, a nice, he was medium fucked up. He wasn't as fucked up as the people above him, but he was, he protected what was his and in the end because of the organization he was working with, his character was a piece of shit. I mean, I'm sort of oversimplifying it, but that's what I loved about that movie. Forget about the movie itself, my God. If you guys haven't seen it was, let me make sure I say all these names right, Daniel Kaluya, not Kaluwa, Kaluya, LaKeith Stanfield and my favorite in the movie, I don't play favorites

here, but as far as new faces, because there's other people I'm obviously familiar with, Jesse on Breaking Bad, Fago and all of those things, LaKeith on Atlanta. He's always amazing. That guy is really interesting choices. And Daniel Kaluya from Get Out and that other movie, I forget the name of it. I saw it with Nia where they were, he was part of this couple that were on the run from the cops. Anyways, but I'd never seen this actor, Dominique Fishback.

She was fucking amazing, amazing. And unreal story and I kind of was like, oh, was it really like, you know, because anytime Hollywood makes a movie, you got to be like, okay, they're definitely leaning left here. And I kind of looked it up and yeah, they sort of all checked out. I don't want to ruin the movie, but I do find it interesting how they can go back 20 years with tweets almost at this point. And as a comedian, you can get canceled. But if you go back 50 years in the FBI and you see that they may or may not have just

straight up murdered an innocent man, there's no investigation, there's no canceled them. They always, whenever shit gets declassified, it's like everybody's dead. But it's like, yes, but the organization still exists. I can't sit there and be like, well, I was 15 years ago. I don't do that joke anymore. So, you know, if you brought it up while I was doing it, then I think you had a case. But, you know, I guess because I'm the same person and I'm the person that said it. I don't know.

I always find that weird too about like the Catholic church, how they were able to kind of shake off, you know, all of their Jesus Christ, all the shit that they were doing. Yeah. So anyway. So I figured out a little bit more about my anger and I am continuing to work on it. And I have sucked at it for like the last eight days. I just totally went back to being the same douche I always was. And so I got to try to figure out, I'm like, well, I don't really have any shit.

I need to squash with anybody. So what's going on? The only thing I could think of is I was just trying to do too many things. So I have to do something that I'm not good at, which is taking my foot off the gas and sort of just be in present as opposed to working towards something. And I kind of learned during the pandemic here that the reason I do that is it kind of keeps the smoke off me because if I slow down, then all the bullshit from my past catches up with me that I haven't dealt with.

So, um, yeah, that is that is the deal. Let me do. Oh, and I also fucking figured out where that leak was coming on my truck. I have a little power steering leak in the steering assembly. So I have to go. I got to text somebody, a buddy of mine who bought an old truck and his body is going to buy an old truck. We all have like old Fords.

Um, he got like an F two 50, either he got the camper special, the ranger, or it was one other model. I forget what the hell it was called back then in the late sixties. And, uh, I absolutely love him, dude. I fucking old trucks are the goddamn best. They really are. So, um, you know, I'm always paranoid about my truck. I don't want to get stolen.

I actually, for some reason, when I was working out today, old man, work out, by the way, I, I work out with bands now. I've given off on ever doing like a pull up again, um, which is probably why I will be able to cause I'm just going to start working out with bands doing yoga, just admitting that I'm fucking rapidly approaching my mid fifties. Gonna be 53 this year. And I have to just, I can't be working out like the same way I worked out when I was in my teens and my twenties doing those same fucking things.

Um, so, you know, it is what it is. It is what it is. God damn it. Um, I don't know, it does bum me out. I wish I had fucking the shoulders I had when I was a kid. Like it's, what was better than just fucking seeing how much he could bench. Basically the exact fucking reason why I, uh, blew up my shoulders to begin with. But anyway, you live in your fucking learn.

I'm going to be, uh, I'm going to be, I think I really enjoyed doing that. That I didn't really talk about it when I did the benefit after I did the two shows in Venice, I then did the benefit show and I went out into the valley in this comedian's house and, um, I always feel weird saying everybody's names and shit. So I don't know, you know, cause I don't know if you guys know, if I said his name, you'd figure out where he lives. And then if I have a show there again, I got some psycho fucking pulling up.

So anyway, it was a comedian's house and, um, what was I going to say? The, uh, you just went in where the garage was and you know, like those projector TV things you can get for people who want to watch TV outside. Um, he had like three screens and then on this, on the screen were all of these people that, you know, it's probably like 20 people per screen. So you could look at 60 people. You could hear them laughing in real time. The guy who hosted the show, Daniel, something or other, I didn't get his last

name. We kind of met briefly at the beginning of the show. He was great. He was hilarious. It was all the way over in Australia, hosting the show. It was one PM the next day over there. And, uh, Dean Delray opened up and we just had a great fucking time. And that gave me, um, I gave me some ideas, man, for live podcasting and shit

like that. Um, but what was cool is if it was if you like said the name of the person up on the board and if you gave them three seconds, they could then put them up there and you could be like talking to them. And then the whole crowd could see the person you were talking about. So, uh, one point I was looking at one of the little squares and this person had a bulldog and the bulldog was the only thing sitting there and it was like a sleep.

And, uh, it was funny. I would just make fun of a few things. You know, it was funny. It was watching people realize that they were being watched was hilarious. That would be whatever. It'd be like, Hey Joe blow, you know, you get your feet up on the autumn in there. You know, with your orange shirt on, can you fucking blub and all of a sudden the guy would like pop up like waving and shit.

It was really a lot of fun. And, you know, a couple of my reps actually watched the show and were like, dude, that felt like a real show. It felt, you know, look good. It, it was funny. I felt like I was, you know, watching a normally product, uh, produced things. So I don't know, as they gradually do this vaccine here, uh, I mean, I don't know, I mean, at some point I got to start making money.

Cause last year is the first year I lost money. Um, I was just talking to somebody. It's the first time I lost money since I was like 27, you know, I didn't make a lot of money, but I always, you know, I was always frugal. So, but last year I legit like lost money. So I'm just like, all right, it's, if this is how it's going to be, I guess I got to just start being captain Kirk here, stand up comic. I'll just fucking do that shit.

And when it gets warm again, I'm going to do socially distant shows or whatever. I'll, I'll definitely figure it out, but I really want to thank everybody that came out to the shows and also the people that came out to the benefit. We were able to, uh, it was a thousand people, 10 bucks ahead. So it was 10 grand that went to the, uh, AJ Quetta, um, what do they call it? Startup fundraise. Uh, I always forget what they call those things. Um, so we're going to put up a link here.

If you guys want to donate some more money. Last I checked the NHL Camille and the Bruins had raised like over $800,000. So it's such a great thing, um, you know, people coming together to try and help this kid out and help his family out so they don't have to worry about money or any of that shit. They could just get that kid, you know, back to being healthy. Um, so yeah, so thank you to everybody who, uh, I can't say came out, turned on your, you know, bought a ticket and sat in your living room. It was also cool, like watching people eating and stuff, like, uh, you know, people like

really made it like an evening. Like I saw a couple of couples there and they were like, like throwing down, like they really had like a whole meal going and they were laughing and having a good time. I saw another guy, like when they didn't know we were watching the crowd, this guy was like grinding up some weed. There was another guy smoking a cigar. It was another older dude sitting in front of this white drum kit, man. It was really fucking cool.

So uh, it was, it was, yeah, I couldn't, I mean, I knew I was going to have a good time and I was like, as always before I go up, it's like, I'm, I just go, I'm going to fucking I'm going off. I got to give these people their fucking money's worth and I ended up doing like a little bit more time. But when I got up there, it just was weird a little bit because somebody had their microphone turned up a little too loud so I could only hear their laugh. But I was just like, all right, just block that out, keep going.

And then they sort of were able to adjust that down. And it was, uh, it was an amazing experience. So once again, thank you everybody. All right, let's do a little bit of, uh, let's do the ad reads here. Okay. If you haven't left yet, just listen to me read out loud and you're going to get your fucking laughs for the week. Okay.

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Use the promo code BRRR at checkout to save $10 on your first purchase and 55% off all subscription products. That's vioe.com, promo code BRRR, V-I-O-M-E.com, vioe.com, promo code BRRR. All right, hey, here we go, here we go. Look at that. We got somebody writing back. Lady listener. She writes back, fair enough.

Oh, this is this woman that I trashed last week when I was in a bad mood. I thought I went too hard on her. I thought I went too hard on a lot of people on my last podcast before the Wolfgang Van Halen one. I was in a bad mood. So then immediately when I get in a bad mood because of the way I joke around, it just comes off. A little too like harsh.

Okay, dear William Burrington, this is the lady who wrote in complaining about your comedy bits that say all women are materialistic. Oh yeah, I remember you when you're like, all my friends are beautiful and pay for all their own stuff. And I was actually thinking about that afterwards. It's like really, like how good looking does somebody have to be to be your friend? You only hang around with good looking people, you shallow so and so? She says, well, fair enough on most of your points.

Well, I appreciate that because I agreed with you when you're talking about guys, you know, your women, your girlfriends can't find guys who weren't addicted to porn and you said something else hilarious in video games. I was like fair enough. She said, I agree with you that it's bullshit that holidays only pressured the man to provide gifts slash dinner, et cetera. I think the cause should be shared by both of the people. I think you should both fucking stay home and you should decide when you want to celebrate.

Oh, she says if you want to celebrate. Now look at me jumping the gun. I guess it's different if there's a big difference between how much they make, but I haven't experienced that so I wouldn't know. Now, before I strain myself patting my own back, I will also admit that you are also right about women wanting to know what a man does for a living. I don't want to speak for all women, but I definitely look for someone who is at or near my level of domestic stuff.

So it would be nice to not settle too far. No, that makes sense. The whole thing makes sense. Okay, because first of all, when you get knocked up, you're going to be fucking laid up and you're not going to be able to work or at least work, especially if you're running your own business. You're going to need somebody to step in. So you need to know that the man can provide because that's the deal.

The guy has to provide and the broad has to give you a baby. That's basically it. So at singles bars, women should still be saying, so what do you do for a living, right? And then guys should say, hey, I do have the ability to make a baby because if you're barren, keep it moving. Anyway, I'm sorry. So fair enough on everything. Thanks for roasting me on the podcast.

I haven't laughed that hard in forever. Look at that. You're a good shit. I like you. All right. Thanks to go fuck yourself some lady. See that? Why can't more people be like that?

Why can't they be like that? I was in a bad mood and she still fucking thought it was funny. So that's good. All right. Plane or train? All right. Dear Billy, it's a choo-choo train. All right.

My friends and I were arguing over whether it'd be better to live on a train or a plane. The train is safer, but constricted to the tracks. The plane can go anywhere, but who wants to be on a plane all day? What country would your train car house be in if you choose a train? You got to go train. You got to go train. Because even if you had the money to have your own 747, like a double decker, like take those ones.

If you, when you go to Europe, it's like, it's a two level plane. If you like redid one of those, all right, as big as that would be, I mean, be bigger than your fucking house and everything. If still you're living on a plane, breathing that awful air, that recycled air, I would absolutely want to, if that's a no brainer, I would pick a train. So I'm assuming you're not allowed, are you allowed to get off the train? Are you allowed to get off the plane? If I'm traveling for the rest of my life, I'm taking a train and I'm just going to make

my circle small as far as where I will travel to do shows. All right, what country would your train car house be in if you chose train? America. I'm an American, man. USA, baby. US fucking A. Stick it right in fucking Nebraska. Bored out of my mind. No.

I would be, I don't know, I think I would be, Pacific Northwest is beautiful, kind of gives you something to look at. Can I get like a glass like ceiling on the thing so I can look at some shit? I don't know. I would say somewhere between Seattle and Portland, Oregon, I guess that's a quick one. But you ever see those people that just sort of fly around trying to get frequent miles, frequent flyer miles and build them up and do all that shit? I mean, they act like they're getting over on the airline and it's like, you're not,

you're just, you are earning every one of those fucking miles. I just can't imagine all this shit you're missing out on the fucking sciatic nerve issues and all the stuff you're going to have. You can stretch all you fucking want to. There was like people like flying to Hong Kong and the next day coming right back, insane. From America. From America. All right, gold digging dad.

Hey, Billy, dad ass. You are a father and I want to know your opinion on how you think this should be handled. For context, I am a female in my late twenties and have an older sister who has the same concerns about our dad, that your dad's a gold digger. Is this your biological father? This feels like one of those fucking Jerry Springer things starting off here. You know what? I need a sip of water here.

All right. Let's see what we got here. All right. My dad has just gotten engaged to his soon to be third wife. Let's call her Sally. They are around 60 years old and he's had a bad track record when it comes to relationship. I asked him once, what is it that changes after you get married? Everyone always says after you get married, everyone always says after you get married

things change. So she asked him, what is it that changes after you get married? His answer to this question was the woman always tries to control you. They think that they own you after you get married. You know, that's not 100% false. In his situation, I think the opposite is true. He has admitted to things here and there that support that. Like when he told my sister that he wouldn't let my mom go to nursing school when they

were together because he liked having her under his thumb, his word. Oh, is this one of these fucking assholes who doesn't like to be controlled but then controls other people? I don't get those people. You would think if you don't like to be controlled that you would then understand that other people don't either and you would have empathy because you don't even have to put yourself in their shoes because you feel the same way they do. Strange, strange, but I'll be lying to you if I didn't say that I knew a lot of people

like that. Anyways, he said, and when he also said that he told his last serious girlfriend that he had erectile dysfunction but really he just didn't find her attractive, there you go. He has always been super vain and really he's really only dates super small women with big tits. This dude sounds like a guy's guy from the mid 1970s, probably still drinks beer with a pull tab. So anyways, he met Sally several years ago and they dated for a short time before he

broke up with her. He told her that it was because he was scared of falling in love with her. After a year, about a year ago, sorry, he was talking to my sister about how he started talking to her again and that if he married Sally, he would be set for life because she has money. The problem with this guy is he gets into relationships for wrong reasons. The wrong reasons, money, tits, those are all dumb reasons to marry somebody. Those are good reasons to fuck around and have a fling, she's got big tits, those will

be fun. All right, great. You know what I mean? I don't like mooching off people though. I'd draw the line on money. Anyway, they began dating. He began dating her a few months ago, a few months later, sorry, they are engaged and he is chomping at the bit to get the marriage over and done with.

Good, I'm glad he's chomping at the bit. She'll probably sense that and call it off, hopefully. My question is, should I bring this up with him and see if he really is in love with her? Should I try and contact her and feel out how things are going with them? I have never even spoken to this woman. Should I just say, fuck it, if she's dumb enough to get herself into this situation, then it's on her. I disagree with, they always say that, well, you're the one who married her.

It's like if somebody's lying to you and saying that they love you, you know, how are you supposed to know? Anyway, she has kids and would hope that if they thought it was fishy, they would talk to her about their concerns. If it were my mom, I would be all over her telling her, wait until she really knows what she's getting into. Yeah, but if you were her daughter, you know, the guy that she was marrying wouldn't come up to you and say, hey, you know, I'm trying to marry your mother so I can be set financially,

you know? Huh? You're with me? I'm taking part of your inheritance there, little sweetheart, right? Should I insert myself into this situation or should I leave it be? I've only been close with my dad for a few years when I was a teenager and since then, it's just been a distance relationship. I would really love some advice from you and the lovely Nia if she is available.

I'm a huge fan and wish you and your wonderful family the best of luck. Thanks and go fuck yourself. I would say it all depends on what sort of relationship you want to have with your dad because he'll get fucking, he will be fucking livid if he finds out that you fucked this thing up. But it is kind of weird to just stand back and it's just like if he's going to take her for money, you know, what about those kids and shit? So I don't know what to tell you here.

Um, he's never talked to her. They're in their 60s. But even then, some people that just not good at reading people and if he's just telling her all of this shit, but he said he didn't break, I don't know, your dad's a weird dude. He doesn't really say what he's really thinking. He's like, you know, he got erectile dysfunction and then goes like, I, you know, I don't find you attractive. So that wasn't really what was going on.

And then he said he broke up with her because he was afraid he was going to fall in love with her. So maybe he's a, there could, there's a world where he could be afraid to tell you how much he loves her and missed her when they were broken up. So he's just acting like it's about money or he really is like that. So you have to figure that out considering this guy doesn't seem to be the most honest dude out there. And then you have to kind of, I mean, there's, there's no, one of my favorite expressions,

no good deed goes unpunished. All right. Oh, speaking of which, thank you to everybody who watched the Patrice O'Neill documentary. Killing is easy. If you want to see the full unedited, they had to take 14 minutes out. It's on ComedyCentral.com. It's on their, their, their website. And I was very, I was thrilled with the feedback that I got from fans of his and especially

from other comics. And I'm telling you, it was all, Mike Bonfiglio is just a friggin genius. I feel like, you know, people were giving me too much credit. All I did was he just called me up and was saying, Hey, do you have this con, this comedian? Can you, I'd like to get him in. Can you do that? That's all I did. Like he, I didn't sit in the edit room.

He, he put, Mike Bonfiglio did the thing. All right. There we go. Okay. A boyfriend says, I'm getting cankles. Wait, did I finish with that? Yeah. So that's what I would do.

And I would just, you know, you know, there's ways to do it anonymously. You know, I don't know. I don't know. Only I would probably just stay out of it. That's one of those things. It's just one of those fucking things. If you don't know the other person, how do you fucking bridge that gap? And then the other person you're related to, like, how do you call somebody up and say,

Hey, just let you know. My dad's kind of a selfish asshole. And he said, he gets with you, who'd be financially all set. I mean, you know what, maybe do it anonymously. Do it anonymously and then just deny it and just see what the fuck happens. That's the closest thing you could do, but I wouldn't insert, maybe there's a way to do it that way. I don't know.

All right. Boyfriend says, I'm getting cankles. Dear Billy blue, blue balls. My boyfriend and I have been dating for two years. When we met, we were both college athletes. He is still very athletic and trim. After 15 years in sports, I've grown tired of fitness and have stopped working out. As a result, I've gained some weight.

I've lost my abs and I have some pudgy baby fat all around my body now. All right. The worst thing, I think with a lot of athletes, because you train so hard and all of that shit, like you just get burned out, I would suggest finding a new way to train because one of the worst things you can do is let your body go. It affects, I mean, you're just putting on your fucking socks. Everything just becomes more difficult. You lose energy.

You get depressed. You die sooner. Being active is extremely important and if you did a bunch of running and shit when you were younger athlete, I just don't run, do something else. Get into cooking in nutritious ways. I would do shit like that, but please don't stop. Don't let yourself go because there's a tipping point. You can't get it back.

Anyway, yesterday he pointed out that I'm developing cankles. Google, if you need to, I don't. He said, most of my weight is going to my legs. He said he noticed them when we initially started dating, but they are very noticeable now. He prefers women with toned muscle, muscular legs and said it's something that secretly bothers him. I admit it, even if I'm trim and in shape, my legs still have baby fat even around the

ankles. It's kind of strange. I think it's genetic. Yeah. I mean, you're literally talking about something you can't help here. He goes, between the cankles and the fact that I'm not working out anymore, I'm worried he's going to break up with me unless I start hitting the gym. He's a fitness nut, so I can see why he wants to be with an athletic girl, but I also feel

like he's being kind of shallow and an asshole. What do you think? I'm searching surgery to reduce my cankles. PS, I think you're sexy with the shaved head, but that said, go fuck yourself. Now, wait a minute. I think you're already looking. You're already mentally sent off. All right.

I would say this. You're both kind of right here. You're right that he's being a shallow asshole, and the fact that what he said to you makes you research surgery to reduce your cankles is like, that's like heartbreaking. You can't do that to somebody. You can't do that to anybody. So first of all, don't do that, all right? Secondly, in his shallow asshole way, he's also bringing up a really important thing,

which is you can't let yourself go. You can't do it out of respect for yourself and the person that you're with. You have to be making a fucking effort to stay in shape, okay? And when you're with somebody and they're getting out of shape, it's really difficult to tell them that. So what you have to do is try to work out with them and stuff like that. And I would just say to the guy, just be like, look, what you said, you were kind of being a...

I understand there's a point there, but the way you did it really hurt me, and I'm literally on the internet like searching surgery to reduce my fucking leg fat or whatever. And then just see where it goes from there. If you want to push it further, we can be like, all right, so what? If I put another 15 pounds on, you're just going to break up with me? Does that mean like, you know, so... Because if that's the case, you don't really love me. And then what the fuck am I doing here?

So there's sort of the little conversation and then sort of the bigger thing that this brings up. So I wouldn't come at him in an angry way, but let's just have an honest conversation here, all right? Let's just have an honest conversation. Okay, I'm going to tell you what you said to me, how it made me feel. I am going to start working out, but it also made me feel like if I got to a certain weight that you would break up with me, is that how you are?

I'm not going to get mad, but just let me know if that's how you are. And then if he says, okay, that is how I am, all right, then I would just make an assessment if like, he just liked you because you had abs. I don't know. There's a lot, there's a lot there and there's only an email and I don't know anybody involved, but like, don't fucking get surgery because your boyfriend said something stupid, all right? Okay, there we go.

But don't give up on yourself. Don't give up on us, baby. Don't give up on yourself. You burned out from working out. You can still go for walks and eating healthy is delicious and you feel amazing afterwards. So you just got to, you know, do that shit. Okay, anyway, girlfriend wears makeup at work to attract attention. Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, let's get into this one here.

All right, cheers, Mr. Burrito. Oh, by the way, to all my Mexican listeners the other night, when I went to the taco truck, I got a torta and I got some tacos. Okay, I didn't have the gringo white boy order of the burrito, although I got to tell you it was tough to lay off because I am a white boy gringo fucking burrito eating son of a bitch. I am. How do you say in Spanish you burrito eating son of a bitch? Please somebody.

I want to be a yo-yo soy burrito eating son of a bitch. All right, cheers, Mr. Burrito. Love the podcast and all that good stuff. I'll cut right to the chase since I know how hard it is for you to read out loud. Thank you, I appreciate that. See, you have empathy. I like you. All right, basically, my girlfriend, my lady, works at the local pizza shop and dolls herself

up in order to get more tips from customers. Hey, you know, that's the hustle. I get that. She's a very beautiful girl and we've been dating for a little over two years. I love her to death. We've talked about marriage. We agree on the important things and all that shit, blah, blah, blah. We're both in our early 20s and go to university together.

And thank God she's not one of those people who's been brainwashed by the university and can think for herself. Nice parentheses. So she's special, I think. I think you're right. Anyway, she knows if she puts on makeup and makes herself look cute, she can attract more trips from customers, tips from customers. It'd be one thing if she was poor and needed the money, but her parents have loads of it

and made a good amount at her big shot accounting job, but what? But her parents have loads of it and made a good amount at her big shot accounting job over the summer. Oh, she made money. She's 100 percent, she 100 percent does not need it and even quit a shift because she was too bored. I feel like she is doing it for the attention and has even said to me that it makes her feel good about herself.

At first, I thought this might be a huge issue. At the same time, her friends have become big losers since they all got into relationships in her schoolwork has gotten pretty easy since we're both seniors. Basically, she is bored and I am unable to be 100 percent attentive to her since I'm still kind of busy and also my friends are not lame. Jesus Christ, you sound like a young guy. I get this. All right, initially, I initially told her she can't wear makeup because she's praying

on lonely guys to give her extra money. But then second guessed myself and now I let her wear it. Anyway, not sure what to do here. I feel like I'm being ridiculous by putting my foot down since after all, it is mostly harmless, but also it still bothers me. I'd appreciate any advice you have. All right, well, the biggest thing you said there is you owed up to the fact that it bothers you. Okay, so there's ways to say that to somebody by not saying,

I forbid you to wear makeup to work because like first, let's be honest here. It bothers you. You love her and you don't want to lose her. That's that is the core of it. And if we're going to be totally honest, you could give a fuck about those lonely guys sitting there. You don't care about them. You care about you. You care about your relationship.

Okay, so I think you have a beautiful, motivated person here who made a bunch of money, even said her big shot accounting job. That makes me feel you have issues about that too. So I think what you need to do is get a little more confidence here. Get a little more swagger. She's with you. She loves you. She's, you guys are all on the same page about everything.

And you know, you need to listen to a little 38 special here. Hold on loosely, but don't let go. Right? You got it. You can't do this. Okay. If she likes going there, I mean, part of it could also be it makes her feel good to be out working earning money rather than sitting around on her ass.

And you also took a pot shot at her friends, which I get, you know, at your age and shit. It's just like, you know, they probably want to watch Real Housewives and stuff. And you're kind of like, you know, I want to go do this other shit. You know what I would do? I would try to dial down my insecurity, try to figure out why you feel that way. You know, if you got a little bit of money, go talk to a therapist or maybe just talk to her. Just, just sit down with her and just say, listen, you know, it bothers me that it bothers me

that you wear makeup and I'm too insecure to, I'm telling you, women love that shit. They fucking love that shit. It's open communication. They get it. Right. And then also in a way she's like, oh my God, you love me that much, right? As opposed to being like, hey, listen lady, you fucking put that clown shit on your face again. We're going to have fucking problems.

Stay home and make me a fucking, yeah, stake them. You know, you can't come at them that way. You'll drive them away. So I think it was really big of you by the end that you said it still bothers you when you, you know, you think you're being a little like ridiculous. So, you know, you can't keep somebody by trying to, well, I guess you can. If you get like a weak person, you could just totally dominate them and not let them go outside anymore.

All right. I don't know what I'm talking about anymore. Yeah, I would ease up on the reins and this is a you issue. This isn't a her issue and I think that you can work it out if you sit down and you talk to her and just tell her that you feel ridiculous and whatever embarrassed that you said what you said, but it came from a place that not wanted to lose you and just do, just tell him what you're thinking. I know it's weird at your age, but I'm telling you, it actually fucking works.

All right. There you go. Okay. Okay. So that is the podcast. I'm going to sit down and watch the Bruins versus the fucking flyers up there in Lake Tahoe. Just outside of Reno, one of my favorite fucking cities to do stand up in. I love that place.

Bizarre guitar and gun shop is one of the coolest fucking strip mall things I've ever been to in my life. Who knows? Well, that's it. All right. Oh, Billy virtual comic and podcaster here is signing off. You guys have a great couple of days. Go fuck yourself.

Go Bruins. Go Celtics. Go fuck yourselves. And I will check in on you on Thursday.