Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 2-24-14

Episode Date: February 25, 2014

Bill rambles about Olympic Hockey, magic keys and 3rd cousin hookups.

In the mountain, in the kitchen, even in the living, they really lie everywhere, riding the empty baths. But now we're going to the finish, bring them to a Bebath collection point quickly. You will always find one in your neighborhood on Bebath.be Bebath! Together, better for nature and for all of us. Campaign in cooperation with the OVAM. How's it going?

Oh, really? Well, that's good. I'm back in Los Angeles. Saw my wife, saw my dog. I'm in a great mood. Another trip. Another trip across the country. You know, when I land and I get off the plane, and what do I see?

I'm getting a bunch of shit from all the Canada cunts up north. I gotta ask you, why the fuck does this always happen to me as a sports fan? Anytime I suffer a tragic loss as a sports fan. If I'm not already in the area of the victorious fans, I'm going there the following week. You guys, longtime listeners of this podcast might remember back when the Jets were good. You know, when they spent all that money that one year when they lifted the salary cap and they fucking loaded up and they were making their run. You know, when they beat us the first time, then all the Jets fans were talking shit.

And then they came up to Foxboro for Game 2 and got absolutely ass-raped on national television. Absolutely fucking ass-raped. So, the playoff game comes. Playoffs. Playoff game comes around. Who knows which way it's going to go. Division rivalry, you never know. Sometimes they go every other.

Sometimes somebody wins two, three in a row. Then the other team wins three in a row. Who the fuck knows, right? Either way, where the fuck am I when that game happens? I'm in Atlantic City, New Jersey on Jim Norton's anti-social network tour. Right? So now I'm sitting there and I'm so focused on the game, I'm not even thinking. I'm just thinking, Jesus Christ, I'm in fucking New Jersey.

They gotta win. They don't win. I'm going to be getting shit before I even hit the mic. Of course, they lose. Brady throws arguably the worst pass of his career. That screen pass. Well, he just went whee. I didn't know what the fuck it was.

Loved it up, it got away from him. We never recovered. And they also benched Wes Welker for making fun of Rex Ryan, you know, because he had a foot fetish. You know, it's just unbelievable. Jesus, I'm going through the pain of that loss again. And where the fuck am I? I'm in Atlantic goddamn city, New Jersey, right? So now what?

Okay, we got Olympic hockey coming up. I'm one of the few people in this country that gives a shit. You know, one of the few fucking people that gives a shit. We seem to be winning pretty handily, five to one, whatever. Canada's struggling, right? Fuck you, you are struggling. As now you're strutting around with your syrup-haired fucking chest. You barely beat Estonia.

That was a fucking nail-biter to the end. You fucking play us. It was one to nothing. I mean, I gotta be honest with you, it didn't feel like one to nothing. It felt like five to nothing. We completely out-coached. We didn't do one fucking thing to adjust to your forecheck. We didn't do a fucking thing.

Ah, that was frustrating. You had one fucking ping-pong goal. All right, so what are these Canadian cunts doing now? Oh, and in the meanwhile, somewhere in that the women had the game one and all they had to do was just hit an empty netter. They hit the post. It was laying right on the fucking goal line. They scoop it up, tie it up, and then Canada.

I'm letting the Americans know, because most of them still don't know this. Well, the people down here in the United States, I should say, because we're all Americans, by the way. For all you dumb cunts up in Canada, you fucking Americans. You're an American too. You live in the Americas. There's North America and South America. We're all from the Americas.

All right? You are American. The same way somebody in Poland and somebody in Ireland, they're both European. Okay, for some reason, they're calling us Americans. But at the end of the fucking day, if I want to pull cunt hairs, you guys are also Americans. Anyways, so I get off the fucking plane

and I got like 20, 30 fucking texts from these Canadian cunts going, oh, I can't wait to hear you take on the fucking hockey. Right? Because they, you know, they're actually hoping that down here, this country is like devastated. And I hate to tell you this, Canadian people, I would venture to guess that 80% of the people, they don't even know. As you notice, when we lost both games to you guys,

nothing was set ablaze down here like you guys do up there. Nobody even, I'll tell you, this is how little popularity hockey has and how little they're known. It's weird. It's like totally niche and all the arenas sell out. But once you get beyond that, like nobody knows who anybody is. Timu Solani was on my flight, evidently. Because when I got off, I'm standing at baggage claim.

As I'm reading all these tweets, you know, from these Canadian people, just mind scrolling them on my phone for some reason. I look up and Timu Solani comes walking by and I nodded to him. You know, when you see somebody that iconic and I'm thinking in my head, I thought it was Pavel Burry. That's how fucking old I am. I'm like a skinny hockey guy with a page boy haircut, Pavel Burry. And then I was like, no, it's not Timu Solani.

And he'd already gone by. And this is nobody knew who the fuck he was. The guy was literally, he's coming back from the fucking Olympics. And his shirt says NHLPA, NHL Players Association for the Ladies. Right? He's wearing an I'm in the NHL shirt. Still nobody recognizes him. He goes over to the side.

He's getting his own fucking bags because he's a hockey player. Right? His were priority. He's sitting first class. He's got that kind of money. One of the first bags down is his, a giant hockey bag with the Anaheim Ducks logo on it. And still nobody noticed. People looked at the bag and they were kind of like, oh, that's odd.

That's a big bag. They were kind of like, well, you know, what are they got scaffolding in there? Somebody doing some Peyton. Nobody had any fucking idea. And he takes it off himself. First ballot hall of fame hockey players standing right there. So I'm sorry Canadians, as much as you want to revel in this, as you called it, your domination. I guess you dominate because you won both goals, but you certainly did not dominate the games.

With your one nothing fucking bullshit victories. Ah, they weren't bullshit. They were good victories. You know what it is? I only got tweets from 20 people. Why am I taking down the whole fucking country? You know what? Good for you, Canada.

You know, it's your sport and it isn't even the joy of winning. I think up there, I think it's the relief of not losing because I just had a buddy of mine from up there. You know, he knows I'm coming up there. So he goes, you know, bring your skates, bring some gloves, we'll supply. They said they'll supply the rest of the stuff. And it's like, dude, I'm not using somebody else's hockey stuff. Okay. It's fucking gross.

I'll take my bruises. All right. But anyways, he left a message. He goes, yeah, he goes, Hey, you know, sorry about you guys losing. He goes, we want it. And then he paused and he goes, thank God. So that's the way it is up there. And I got to tell you, nothing down here is like that.

Not even like, I would say the closest thing would be men's Olympic basketball. But even then, if they lose, we don't light shit on fire. We just go a bunch of fucking spoiled brats. They're making too much money. They don't want to listen to the coaches. Yeah. That's all we do. We don't give a fuck.

We don't send people to Siberia. You know, they don't get killed like they do down in Columbia if they don't fucking, you know, inbound the soccer ball correctly, whatever the fuck you do out there in the pitch. Um, yeah, people just don't give a shit to that level. Put it this way. I actually typed in, I was trying to type in Olympic hockey and I, and I wrote Stanley Cup. That's what I give a fuck about as, I mean, obviously I want to win the gold.

You know what fucked me up or was the first goal that I saw was the 1980 team. And it was our amateur team beating the Russians. It was the cold war. It's just never going to be as good as that again. Now it's just like, it's like a couple of all star teams playing. You know what I mean? I don't know. That sucks that we, we got along with Russia for a while.

It really killed the rivalry. You know, I'm back in the day. Those team Canada games and the USA teams and then the Russians when they couldn't even get into the fucking league. Once they did some Moscow and the Hudson shit and these fucking guys would come over. We had no idea who they were. They come over and start kicking the shit out of us, at least the Americans. And then the flyers had to basically cheat and kick, take a couple of two handers to

their ankles and called it hockey. I love how the flyers organization tells that story when they, when they actually beat the Russians. Yeah, that was a great, they played some great hockey where they turned their sticks into clubs and they just basically beat them up. They just beat them up, which is funny, fucking hilarious. But is it, I don't think it's hockey. And you know what?

The league suffered forever, forever in that. But anyways, congratulations to the Canadians for not losing the gold medal game. Congratulations. Okay. Your cities are safe. Your Starbucks windows will be intact. And I can take comfort in the fact knowing that the Stanley Cup has been in the good old USA since 1994.

Oh, you like that? Why don't you sit on that trophy? All right there, new Brunswick. I'm fucking coming. All right, Nova Scotia next week. It's coming. Marked in Halifax, some town that begins with an H Hamilton, Toronto, London, Ottawa, Montreal, Winnipeg, Amateur Calgary, Vancouver, some fucking island out there back to Calgary.

A couple of times back to Ottawa. It's going to be crazy. And I know I'm going to drink like a fish and smoke cigars and I'm going to look like I'm 400 years older and I'm going to accept that. I can't wait to get up there. I can't wait to skate on that fucking canal, like a fucking twinkle toes there. And then I got some pond hockey possibly lined up. It's going to be fucking insane.

That's how I'm going to keep the booze weight down. I'm going to drink it up at night and then I'm going to shake it off for morning practice and then I'm going to stumble into the theater, right? I'm going to build vet and I'm going to fucking knock out my hour in 15 minutes of stuff. All right? That's what I got going on. So anyways, I know I broke your balls, but that was me actually saying congratulations to Canada. What a relief.

You won. Nothing got damaged. Your sons of bitches. Fucking Crosby. You knew he was going to score on that goddamn breakaway. I knew it. I knew he was. And I actually tweeted.

The guy never chokes. And people were like, oh, last year against the Bruins? Oh, I don't think he showed up. The whole team got shut down. All right. And if you go through any great athlete's career, there's going to be moments. You know, there's moments, but generally speaking, as much as you don't like the guy, can you give it up for what a fucking unbelievable player he is?

I know he's got big pouty lips. I know he looks like he's going to cry every time they call a penalty on him, but the stats don't lie. The stats don't lie. The guy's a fucking phenomenal player. The last time, you know, playing for the gold, it went into overtime when all of Canada had their frozen balls up and pulled up into their bodies. After we scored the fucking game tire, tire at the end of regulation, remember that? Who came out and scored the fucking goal? Crosby.

The guy delivers. All right. So fuck all you flyer fans and all you other cunts who can't give it up to him. I don't like him just for the simple fact that he plays for the penguins, but I'd love to have him on my team. There you go. All right. So anyways, this is the Monday morning podcast. If you're new to it, welcome.

I do one of these every single week. I tape on Monday mornings, unless my throat's hurting me. In that case, I tape them a little later, but it is my podcast. So I do it when I want to. And when I, you know, when they're allegedly late, you know, which I don't understand, like how am I late to my own business? I got the keys. I'm opening up. All right.

Here we go. I'm going to tell you guys a story where that adds another layer to how dumb I am right after I do a little bit of advertising. Oh, fuck you. Fuck you. I got to make money too. Here we go. Hulu plus everybody. Hulu plus everyone.

Hey, you've probably tried hulu.com hanging out with your friends. Now with hulu plus, you can watch your favorite shows anytime. Any where hulu plus lets you watch thousands of hit TV shows and a selection of acclaimed movies on your television or on the go with your smartphone or tablet. And it all streams in HD for the best viewing experience with hulu plus. You can watch your favorite current TV shows like Saturday Night Live, Community and Family Guy. You can also check out exclusive content, including hulu originals like The Awesomes, starring SNL Seth Meyers, who by the way, tonight, watch him, his debut, taken over late night. The fourth host of late night started off with the king Dave Letterman, went to Conan O'Brien, went to Jimmy Fallon, now to Seth Meyers. Sorry, back to the advertised.

And Moon Boy, starring Chris O'Dowd from Bridesmaids. Hulu plus also offers a great selection of acclaimed films for only $7.99 a month. You can get all of this. You can stream as many TV shows and movies as you want, wherever you want. Right now, you can try hulu plus for free for two friggin' weeks when you go to huluplus.com slash bill. That's a special offer for my listeners. I'm pointing at myself with my thumb. Make sure you use huluplus.com slash bill so you get an extended free trial and they know that I sent you.

huluplus.com slash bill now or click the huluplus banner on the podcast page at billbird.com. There you go. You like it? All right. Okay, guys, you've heard me talk about how much I love. Love dollarshaveclub.com. So why haven't you joined? Why haven't you joined?

What's stopping you? Do you have a fear of success like you? Like you don't have anything better to do other than go to the store? Or anything better to spend your money on than overpriced razors? Dollar Shave Club, what's wrong with you people? What's wrong with you people? Come on, guys. This is one of this is a layup.

All right. And the last two years, dollarshaveclub.com has saved hundreds of thousands of dollars of guy of guys times by delivering amazing quality razors, high quality grooming products right to your door. All right. You've been getting screwed for years. Overpaying for your razor blades. You don't have to anymore. Go to dollarshaveclub.com. Shave with their razors.

I am a forex guy, evidently, but my buddy swears by his executive. Who am I talking about? I don't know. Why can't I? Wasn't it enough that I love this product? You got to invent friends for me. Anyways, and also check out my favorite Dr. Covey's Easy Shave Butter. Seriously, this stuff is amazing.

It makes shaving feel like you're softly whipping whiskers off of your face. And you can't forget about one wipe chalice, the butt wipes for men. That's right. A butt wipe for men. Peppermint tingle, enough said. What are you waiting for? You can get deliveries every other month if you need, and you can cancel anytime if you don't like it. This whole deal is airtight.

dollarshaveclub.com. I don't need to read the rest of it. It's great. This is what you need. Shave time, shave money. Join dollarshaveclub.com. Go to dollarshaveclub.com forward slash burr to let them know I sent you. That's dollarshaveclub.com forward slash burr or go to billburr.com and click on the dollarshaveclub banner.

All right. If you don't do this, then you just like misery. Okay. All right. So here's the story of me being an absolute fucking moron. All right. I had a wonderful run of shows last week, Tuesday through last night, Sunday night at the New Jersey Peck Center in Newark, New Jersey. My week started off with my favorite show of the year now, the second annual, Patrice O'Neill comedy benefit.

Amazing. It was a three hour show with, there wasn't anybody on that show that I wasn't a huge fan of. The crowd was unbelievable. I want to thank all of the comics who donated their time. It was just an amazing, amazing night. And I want to thank Opie and Anthony and Jim Norton for hyping the show, moving all those tickets. It was a huge success. And for those of you who came and all that, just know that Patrice's mom and his wife and stepdaughter were over the moon happy.

So you guys really did a great thing by buying tickets to that show. It's a wonderful thing. We're definitely going to do it again next year. We're going to try to expand it in many different ways for next year, but it was a huge success. And I could have done it without Maureen Tarran behind the scenes and all the comics and Opie and Anthony and all the fans that came out. So from the bottom of my heart, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. All right, so that was the Tuesday night. And it was a great night too.

We had the after party. Everybody was hanging out and Verzi's hilarious. He shows up like around 1130, right? I'm like, hey, what's up, whatever. He's pacing back and forth like a frigging caged, god damn cat. I don't know what the fuck's going on with them, right? And finally I look up and make eye contact with him. And he is walking by me, just eyeballing me right out the side of his head with this fucking, not quite a grin, not quite a scowl, but he is looking at me.

And I'm like, Jesus Christ, all right, you know, what, what, what is this here? Oh, my stupid phone's going off here. I'm like, what is the problem? Right. So I get up and I walk over and he's like, hey, he's like, dude, you want to smoke stoke? Are you up for a stoke? I'm like, absolutely. So he goes, I got a place, I got a place.

Long story short, the whole thing dies down around one o'clock in the morning and we leave there. It takes me to this insane fucking cigar bar. And we go in there, they got all these different kinds of cigars. So we just fucking do it up. We got like this Nicaraguan cigar with like age 10 years tobacco. Dude, I swear to God, I lit this fucking thing. I almost puked. Thank God.

I wasn't drinking. Because this thing was like huffing on the tailpipe of my fucking F 100 man. I swear to God. But once you got the thing lit, once I got it lit, it was a whole other, it was just a whole other deal. It was amazing. It was like smoking a blunt and you got like high off this fucking thing. This is going to kill a lot of purists. I'm still not drinking.

A month in 28 days, four weeks. I actually got an old duels with it. I know. I'm waiting for every guy out. Jesus Christ, what are you, a fucking queer there? Yes. I fucking, I hadn't drank an old duels. I have to.

All right. I got a 20 day tour of Canada coming up. Damage will be done. I'm in basic training right now. All right. Fucking, what are those old army marches? What do they say? I don't know.

They always say you're gay or you're part cattle. Don't they do that? Are they allowed to do any of those anymore? You know, now that they have openly gay people in the military, I guess like half of their jokes are out the window. Where are you from? All things from downstairs and quayers. You ain't got no horns, right?

With their hacky fucking jokes. They had to update it. Only thing from there is steers and homosexuals. Fuck. It doesn't rhyme. God damn it. Give me 20. Anyways, completely lost my train of thought.

So we, we smoke these cigars. I'm drinking a fucking old duels and it was still great. That's how unbelievable this cigar was. And it was so strong. Like I don't need. This is me lying to myself saying I don't need another cigar. I'm not going to lie to you. I want to fucking smoke one tonight, but I'm not going to.

I always let, you know, I get scratched up a little bit. By alcohol and cigars, but I never let it get its hooks on me. You know, and that's because of my, I have that German, Irish stubborn thing where I can push through shit. Because if I didn't, and I know a lot of people, I wish a bunch of fucking alcohols, you know, but a lot of us aren't. And it would be nice if you brought us up every once in a while.

I don't even know what the fuck I'm saying. I just basically how I'm wired. I feel when something's getting its hooks on me. And I continue to abuse it for like another three months. And then I go, all right, I got to stop. So that's what I do with cigars. Although now just by talking about them now, I'm fucking, you hear that?

That's me fucking hitting the bed right now. I want one. Which is why I'm not going to smoke one. I keep it at bay. You know what I mean? Like that guy who doesn't want to be in a relationship, you know, he bangs her every two weeks and then doesn't call her since she doesn't develop feelings.

And he shows up again. Hey, look who's here. Oh, is that my dick? Hey, right? And then you fucking leave again. So anyways, the next night I'm out at Westbury Theater. The second time I've performed there, that's that one that Howie Mandel did a special there.

Actually, Brian Regan did a special there. It's fucking amazing in the round. I went out there. I, oh, wait a minute, wait a minute. The night of Patrice's thing, we fucking went over there and the cigar bar was closed. So when we went out to Westbury, that's what we did. After Westbury, we went in there.

We had fucking great show. Paul Verzi, arguably the best set I've ever seen him. Beyond being funny. Son of a bitch is smooth as hell now. I'm talking a little shit for you there, Verzi. Fucking guy is smooth as hell. Looks like a total pro. Handling being in the round.

No problem whatsoever. Fucking killing him. He got that applause beyond, thank God, you know, you're done. Bring on the next guy. He got a sustained appreciation and a round of applause. Which was great for me to see as a friend and then it also sucks as a friend because I know he's going to be headlining his own shit soon

and then he won't be opening for me anymore, which sucks. I mean, it's great for my liver. You know, in the mouth cancer there. Anyways, yeah, so then we went to the cigar bar and all that bullshit happens. And then the next night, I drove all the way down. Now I'm working with this dude, Nate Craig. We fucking drive all the way down to Charlottesville, Virginia.

Supposed to be a six-hour drive. Turned into a fucking nine-hour drive because they're digging up all the goddamn roads, you know? But it was interesting, man. We were going through like these high... I always just take 95 down. We actually got off at 95 and kind of angled over there. And all of a sudden just going by these open fields

that have like these cannons in them. I'm like, what the fuck are the cannons sitting there? Someone's going to steal that thing. And then we were like, oh, those are Civil War battlefields. Fucking insane. They're not even that big. Kind of like the Orange Bowl. Do you ever remember the Orange Bowl?

How small it was when you finally went and saw it? If you'd seen some of the new stadiums, how fucking gigantic they are, like Lucas Oil Field? Like the battlefields, they're really small. At least the ones that I drove by at 40 miles an hour without really looking at too much appeared to be. Anyways, did a show in Fredericksburg. No, I'm sorry.

What did I say? Charlottesville. The next day drove up to Fredericksburg. I think it was at Fredericks Hill. I don't know what the fuck it was someplace in Maryland. Then went back down to Richmond. And then had brutal traffic all the way up to the New Jersey, Newark gig. But all the shows were awesome.

And all right, so the night ends, had a great run. Nate was killing it the whole time. I hadn't worked with him in like a year. And I saw all his progress that he's made as a comic. And I'm telling you, man, that inspires me to have a better show. That's the kind of people I like working with. I like working with people that are growing, you know? These fucking people, you come and you see them like a year or two later

and their act hasn't changed at all. It's like depressing to see that. It's like going back to the townie bar and there's that guy, the fucking guy that was sitting there the last time you were there, still wearing the football jacket and shit. They're just stuck in the mud. Drives me nuts. Whatever. Anyways, I'm now noticing my level's low.

I'm not going to fuck with this. This is where it was last week and nobody bitched. All I'm getting is one green light. Hello. Test. Fuck you. All right, that's good. Anyways, so this morning, I go to leave in the rental car. Nate's been driving the rental car the whole fucking time. I get down there. I've already packed.

I already haven't mapped out how to get to Newark airport from where I'm at because it's really tricky from downtown. Secure this fucking route. I have everything ready to go. I wake up 6.20. I'm down at the rental car by like 6.30, 6.35. I get in it. Everything's good. I got my little car to get out of the fucking garage.

Finally, I'm organized and then I'm looking at the keys. And all I see is just a square like in my Prius. Well, you just take the square like magic key that you can unlock it from 50 paces and you just stick it in the key veg that they now have in the dashboard. And I'm looking around and there isn't one. All I see is a place where you stick the key in. And I'm looking going, you got to be shitting me.

I'm digging in my pockets. I can't find the fucking key. It's 6.35 in the morning. Nate is sound asleep. He's the last one to drove it. And I'm going, you got to be fucking kidding me. You got to be kidding me. I look down at the key chain. There's another little key ring. And I can see like it's all separated, like a key could have just fell off. And I'm like, you got to be fucking kidding me.

I'm just like, really? I start doing that. Really? Really, God? Really? What the fuck did I do to deserve this one? The teachers have a fucking put trip to the goddamn airport. So now I'm literally, I'm already going, okay, I'm calling Nate. If he doesn't pick up, I am abandoning this fucking vehicle. Fuck this. I'm getting in a goddamn cab. I'm walking up. I'm taking the magic key portion of this thing

and going to your own fucking fault for sticking a magic, you know, the magic key with the fucking other key with the defective ring on it. They're saying on me, I'll tell you where it's at. You want to charge me 200 bucks? I don't give a fuck. I'm not missing my flight and going home to see my family. All right. Fuck you. I'm out. I'm already thinking of that. So Nate picks up like, oh, right.

I'm like, dude, I'm sorry to wake you up, but do you have the key? I can't find the key. So he starts walking around his room, rummaging through pockets and shit. And then it finally dawns on him. He goes, wait, he goes, he goes, the keys on the thing. You just got to press the button. I go, what are you talking about? He goes on the little, whatever the fuck you call that thing,

the thing that opens it and get puts on the line because you just press the button. So I press the button and the key comes out like a fucking jackknife. And he heard it come out and he just starts laughing at me. And there wasn't anything I could do. I just started laughing too. And I want to tell you guys that I'm embarrassed by this story, but I'm not. Like that kind of shit happens. Like with any remote base level technology, I just can't figure it out.

I've used keys like that in the past. I haven't in a while, but I just, it doesn't take a lot to stump me. Like anything that has to do with computers. Oh, so and so just tweeted at you. I look it up. I look it up. I can't find it. I just, I suck at it.

Fucking suck at it. And I landed after I landed. He called me up and he was still saying, dude, like I couldn't go back to sleep. I was just laying in the bed laughing at you. And I was going, dude, and I told him the whole thing. I said, dude, if you didn't get on the phone, I wasn't going back up there. I was literally going to abandon the rental car. And he goes, who the fuck abandons a rental car?

And I go, fucking successful people do. You know, keep your eye on the prize. Trim the fat, you know, like the horse is stumbling. Just fucking shoot it. Now we're walking. Fuck it. I'll call it cab. I can never shoot a horse for all you animal lovers out there.

I just would call it cab and I was prepared. If he didn't pick up what I was going to do, my backup plan was I was taking my shit out of the back of it. I was locking it and I was going to curse all the way to the lobby, get a cab. And I was going to go back over to the rental car place, walk right in there and go here. Here's the keys. Here's where it's at. I got only have the magic part of it. I don't know where the fuck another thing is.

All right, charge me whatever. And the person would have looked at me and would have hit that button and that thing would have opened up. And I would have just sat there looking like, I just would have laughed. I would just be like, I'm a fucking idiot. You know, what do you want from me? That's what you didn't do enough of a background check. I don't know. I'm really having like major self-esteem problems because I already knew all of this shit about me and then my wife hit me with that.

You have ADD and I told you last week when I was sitting there getting ready to do the perpetrice thing that's always like a very melancholy thing to do. You know, when someone you love like that has died, but you're doing something positive, there's still always that void. So I was talking to her about it and I was literally getting emotional for people who didn't listen last week. I was getting emotional about it and I looked up and there was a spider on the ceiling and I was like, oh, a spider. And I just started talking about spiders for like, I don't know. I don't even know how long I was gone and I brought my head back down and she was just looking at me smiling. And I was, it was just like, I mean, I couldn't argue with her at that point. You know, I don't know what's, you know, it really explains now why I did so horribly in school.

I just remember being in these classes and it was just me and a bunch of other fuck ups and I would be sitting in the class just going, I know I'm not as dumb as the grade that I'm getting in this. I can't be because if I, if I was, I wouldn't be aware of how much of a failure I am. Would I? Like you think really dumb people are aware of it, you know, that look on their faces, they try to figure shit out. But then again, then I can go around and I can get like a little high to key thing can confuse the shit out of me. Fucking Nate was hilarious. He goes, what's your address? I'm going to send your wife some flowers. Just for having to live with me. Do you realize how fucking sad that is that course should do and I know you're enjoying every bit of this.

But anyways, I went. I went back to the hotel because I was being a good boy the this whole week not drinking. And I actually saw, I saw a couple of fucking just great old I kissed me deadly. I always come on when it's in the middle. What a fucking great movie that is. I know a lot of people from my generation and after know that is a leader Ford song. It's actually a film noir movie and the lead of the movie who I should really look up because I like what this guy did like he crushed it in that movie. And a lot of people say it's a it's a prototype for all the all the tough guy movies. This role of the guy Ralph Meeker.

I'll actually look this guy up and he came around during like the studio system for all you football fans and sports fans out there. The studio system back then was kind of like back like sports before they had like free agency. Well, like back in the day, say if you if you played center field for the Yankees. Okay, and during the detail end of Joe DiMaggio's career and the beginning of Mickey Mannell's career, you were fucked. You were never getting brought up and they weren't going to release you and you didn't make it to the majors simply because two of the greatest center fielders of all time happened to be playing for the team that drafted you and you were fucked. You couldn't go anywhere. I don't I guess maybe you try to switch positions. I don't know what you did back in the day studio system.

They basically they groomed you. They brought you up. They'll they change your name like they did with Marilyn Monroe and you just did movies for them. So anyways, they wanted this guy. I mean, look, I'm up here. So I get the story right for Ralph Meeker. They wanted him to to sign one of those contracts and he refused to. So he got like black bald and it kind of fucked up his career.

But I totally respect that, you know, he did something like that. I don't like getting tied down like that either. It's just like, I'm not fucking getting this business to work for you. I'll do a job with you. You're going to own me forever. Go fuck yourself. But it's just a great movie. He just slaps a bunch of people around.

A bunch of people get shot. There's some bad acting in it too, because it's 1955 or whatever, you know, that one came on. Which has just a fucking it just really crazy ending. The first time I saw it disturbed me disturbing ending. But I'm going to let you guys know I'm not one of those movie snobs. Like I go when I saw Blair Witch by myself, I got scared. It freaked me out. I saw the ring.

I get scared. Like I take the ride with the movie. I don't sit there going fake. That was lame. Unless it really sucks. So take it with the grain of salt. All right. I saw that and then I also saw.

I watched an episode of the honeymooners and I realized that I am. I have a lot of Ralph crammed him in me. I just watched that guy. He gets worked up over little things. He catastrophizes. He flips out. He screams at the woman in his life. And then in the end he realized not only is he in the wrong.

He's 100% wrong. And then he goes and he apologizes to his wife. And then for some reason she accepts the apology. And that that's basically my life. So I learned that and then I also learned the superstition that I have. Like I don't put a hat on the bed. And I never, I never, I never even heard of that. They had on the bed thing being bad luck until Billy Bob Thornton was talking about it.

Like all his superstitions and how he doesn't like antique furniture, which is hilarious. He's just like, it creeps me out. And I got to tell you, I've gone into some antique fucking places and the smell in there. It's the smell of death and I totally understood it. But for summary, I never researched the hat on the bed, why it was considered bad luck. But if I threw a baseball hat down on the bed, I'd immediately knock it off. I actually believed in it. And so I actually was looking up these things while Nate was driving the origins of all this.

And the hat on the bed was basically hair was back in the day was thought to, I guess, hold evil spirits. Because a lot of people wore hats back then and you took your hat off in the static electricity. Sometimes they'd see a little flash of light in there. And I guess they had no idea what, what it was like there's lightning in your hair. I mean, I don't know if they were still drawn on cave walls at that point, but they had enough technology to make a fucking hat. So I don't know where it came from. But anyways, they thought the evil spirits were in your hair and you know, they, they were, they got into your hat. And if you put the hat on the bed, it would get into the sheets and into the mattress, which makes no fucking sense.

Because if it's already in your hair, then it's in your pillow. It, why doesn't it drip down into your fucking brain? None of it makes any sense. So now I'm over it. So now I went out of my way to put a fucking hat on the bed. Right. Nothing bad's happening. A bunch of good shit's happening for me.

I can focus on the bad stuff. I couldn't figure out the magic key this morning. Right. I couldn't figure that out. I couldn't figure that out. Well, well, bad shit happens. You know what? I'm going to read this thing that I read, that I read to fucking Nate.

And it is. That's his nickname. Fucking Nate. What is it? Origins of bad luck. Here we go. Let's see if I can get the top 10. That's the number 13.

What is it? How about, how about this? How about the hanging that guys? 10 bad luck superstitions. Here we go. Maybe this is it right here. Oh, where the fuck 25 most popular superstitions. There was some really good ones in there, like the ladder walking under a ladder.

The ladder when it's leaned up against the wall forms a triangle, which is like the Trinity or something. And you're supposed to be like insulting God. If you do that in some parts of Turkey, you may want to think twice before whipping out the chewing gum. There's a belief that if you are chewing gum at night, it is actually rotting dead flesh. I think that's a little has a little more to say about the turkeys food and drug

administration that it does about groaning cheese for a newborn. Is this from the Northern hemisphere? What the fuck is this? You've probably heard of Swiss cheese, cheddar cheese or pepper jack cheese. But if you heard of groaning cheese, no, I haven't. You've probably heard of get to the fucking point. Start trying to fill out your paragraph. In medieval England, expectant mothers made what they called a groaning cheese, which was

a large wheel of cheese that matured for nine months as the unborn baby grew. This is already fucking creepy. When the groaning time or the time of the birth came, how tough were broads back then? Growning time given birth without any fucking morphine. Growning. That's all they did was grown. The fucking husband's laying down there getting his entrails taken out freedom. All right.

Different kind of tough back then. When the groaning time came or the time of the birth, the whole family would celebrate by eating this cheese until nothing but the outer rind was left. Jesus Christ. Were they all bound up or what? Then the guy's groaning, trying to shit the next day, right? The newborn would then be passed through the rind on Christmas Day to be blessed with a long and prosperous life.

What a cheesy superstition it says. Well, that's not bad luck, is it? They had to sit there and eat all of that. That whole fucking thing is gross. That's just fucking gross. I'm thinking a bunch of gross shit with that. All right. Let's read one more here.

Friday the 13th has been the source of his superstitions ever since the 19th century, though its origin is shrouded in speculation and theories. It's not going to stop us from having a fucking website about it. Sorry. Its impact is quite evident. Many people will avoid. Well, then you don't even know what it is and you bring it up. You asshole.

All right. Fuck this. Fuck this website. Do I have anything else I want to read about? Oh, by the way, I found a new documentary. I haven't watched it yet. Of course, I don't know the name of it. They just unearthed it.

Who's the guy who got in the hot tub and banged the 13-year-old and then left the country? What the fuck is his name? Rupert Murdoch. Billy Ray Valentine. What the fuck is his name? Ah, shit. I got it. It's a French name.

Roman Polanski. That was close. Rupert Murdoch. Roman Polanski. He's got it. He made a documentary on Jackie Stewart. Roman Polanski. Jackie Stewart documentary.

They just put it up on Netflix. It's from the early 70s. I can't wait to watch it. Formula One champion. Weekend of champions. I guess it's up on, according to this car magazine I bought on the plane, I guess it's up on Netflix. Weekend of champions.

I'm going to watch it. You should watch it. You should watch True Detective. You should keep watching fast and loud. These are the shows that I like. These are the shows I recommend. All right, let's get back to the podcast here. Where are we?

Jesus, the whole thing's off the fucking. It's just gone off the goddamn rails here. I think I talked about everything. There's a gay basketball player now. This is going to be the greatest fucking thing ever. If these, the gay football player and the gay basketball player might make a bunch of other sports players, players of professional sports come out. It's going to be the funniest fucking shit.

I cannot fucking wait. Nobody has stepped in shit yet either. All right. I didn't mean to like that. All right. Nobody has fucked up. Everybody is trained. Everybody knows what to say.

I think part of it is people are educated now, but also people have seen enough other people get in trouble. Most recently, the duck hunter guy. So everybody's just saying the right thing. Hey, can the guy play? If the guy can play, he can be on the team. I don't think it's a big deal. It's 2014.

They're all saying that shit, but I guarantee you somebody's going to fuck up. Who's it going to be? Who's your money on? What sport? Who do you like? Trying to think somebody, you know, if this was a big election year, some dark horse Republican, ultra, ultra conservative in his 60s, he would definitely say something. You know, I don't think they should be on the fail.

I think they should be cured first before they're allowed in the locker room. They'd say something like that, but I'm telling you, it's going to open the floodgates. And right now what's funny is ESPN is just talking about it and talking about it. Just praying that somebody's going to fuck up and cause a controversy, but nobody gives a fuck in a good way. They're like, who gives a shit? Can the guy play? Get him on the goddamn team.

Right. Like that guy coming out of Missouri is the SEC defensive player of the year. I want him on my team. All right. But ESPN, they can't keep the air. They can't keep the air underneath it any fucking longer. They're running. It's just, they're running out of shit.

It's hilarious. It's just everybody being a hundred percent accepting. They need somebody to fuck up. So for the love of God, if you're a moron, if you're a Bible beater, if you're down there in the Jesus jet straight, I know they're going to stick a microphone in somebody's face. They can't get a coach. They can't get a player. They can't get an owner to fuck up.

I guarantee you their next fucking move because they're, the story is dying. They're going to have to just start walking around talking to people on the street and just, just basically entrapping people. That's my prediction. I'm calling that for this week. All right. They're going to snuff it out. All right.

Like the Marines on Iwo Jima walking up that fucking mountain, snuffing them out because they're not on the island. They're in it. I told you, I'm reading that book flags of your fathers, flags of our fathers or whatever, unbelievable, un fucking believable, another unbelievable book. And I think of the shit that sets me off, the shit that these guys went through. You know, they made that saving private Ryan. And you think that like that sort of landing was a, it was an exception rather than the

norm all throughout from what I'm reading as these Marines were taken island by island out in the Pacific. It was D day every fucking day and Iwo Jima was the worst. This motherfucker, Japanese general, he, he, he let them all gather on the beach. He didn't just start shooting at him. You know, the, the, the Navy had bombarded the island for like, they were supposed to do it for like five, six days. They only did it like two or three days and they didn't realize that the Japanese, they

were in it. They had like 16 miles of tunnels. They have these pillboxes, you know, basically just wide enough to stick that guns through and they let all the Marines gather on the beach before they opened up on them. Just I don't even like some of the horrible shit that they were talking about. I don't even know how you, they were saying it was so shocking. Some people just, one of the things when you, when you're dealing with that, something that overwhelming is your body.

You actually just go to, into a deep sleep. Like you fall asleep, like you're laying on the couch during the four o'clock game. You know what I mean? And like, sergeants would be kicking guys, trying to wake them up and you would come to like, fuck. You probably were pissed. Like, why didn't you let me just keep sleeping? Um, unbelievable book.

Kylie recommended, obviously they made it into a movie and all that shit. I think they did. I know it's a huge book, but uh, you know, I figure if you guys, if you guys, if you guys listen to me read every week out loud, that you guys aren't big readers too. So I still also need to recommend highly, uh, successful books there. All right. Why don't I shut the fuck up and, uh, I'll do a little more advertise. I'm going to leave the last couple of ads here and then we'll go into the questions

for this week. Sound good? Beautiful. All right. Stamps.com. You've probably heard the cost of a stamp just went up to 49 stent, 49 cents, Jesus Christ. But not if you have stamps.com with stamps.com. You pay less for postage than you would at the post office for first class mail, priority

and priority mail, express packages and more stamps.com is easy to use and convenient. Buy in print, discounted stamps, shipping labels and more using your own computer and your printer. Not only will you save money with stamps.com by not paying full price for postage. You'll save valuable time too. Stamps.com always keeps the rates up to date. So you'll always have the exact postage you need every time right from your desk. Never repeat, never go to the post office again.

I use stamps.com to send out all my posters and DVDs. I'm a moron. I can figure it out. So can you right now use my last name Burr, B U R R for the, B U R R for the special offer, no risk trial plus $110 bonus offer that includes a digital scale and up to $55 free postage. Don't wait. Stamps.com.

Before you do anything else, click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in Burr that stamps.com enter Burr and lastly, but not leasely, uh, E voice. You're a business owner, but automated phone systems and secretaries are not in your budget just yet and juggling income and calls yourself makes it really hard to look like a professional there. Here's something that will dramatically help you make more money in 2014, E voice, whether you're a business of one or 100 E voice will help you manage all of your incoming calls with a toll free number dial by name directory and call routing tools.

Your business will sound like a million bucks. Can't take a call. No problem. E voice will transcribe the voicemail and email it to you. Never be caught off guard again. And with E voice, you can try it before you buy it right now. Just for my listeners, you can get a 60 day trial to E voice for absolutely free. Go to E voice.com and enter the promo code bill, B I L L at the, uh, at the checkout.

Take charge of your business and make more money in 2014. Go to E voice.com and enter B I L L at checkout for your 60 day free trial. Two months for free. That's E voice.com promo code bill. All right. There you go. My painful reading out loud is over for this week, at least the advertising is now for the questions.

All right. Response to planter fissuritis. That's the pain in the bottom of my foot that it is on again off again. Sir billion. I have planter fissuritis, however you say, uh, a couple of years ago, I had it a couple of years ago and my doctor told me two things. One, there are straps that you can put onto your feet to stretch them out as you're sleeping and they wrap around your feet to your calf.

I don't like that shit. Number two, uh, number two worked for me and that was to sleep with my feet hanging off the bed. Oh, number two. Okay. That's the second option. So either you do the straps, you have your feet hanging off the bed. This makes sure that they won't curl up on you while you're sleeping.

After about two to three weeks, my feet started to feel better. Well, my feet feel fine. It's just like if I don't stretch ridiculously before I play drums or run a little bit, skip rope or anything like that, like it, the pain comes back. I want to know how to rehab it. How do I strengthen it up so I can actually run again? But I do appreciate what you're telling me there. Um, there's somebody else.

Number two, uh, dear Billy blue balls. I heard you was struggling with the planter fissuritis and since my girlfriend is a doctor of physical therapy, I summoned her expertise to help eliminate some of your pain. She said she 100% agrees with your morning stretching routine. She also commented that there are a couple more things that could potentially help such as golf ball in the freezer, pulling it out a couple of times a day to roll on your footsies as well, uh, filling a Dixie cup with water and freezing it. Once frozen, you can peel away the Dixie cup as desired, uh, to provide a manageable smooth

block of ice. You may find some relief, some relief by using a technique called ice massaging, massaging under the arch of your foot. She also mentioned possibly orthotic options and my favorite begging the lovely Nia to deeply massage the affected area to help break up the adhesion from overwork tendon. I, I'm at that point when I need people, I need, how do I rehab it? How do I strengthen it up? Um, cause I'm already doing most of that.

I do the tennis ball thing like when I go to play drums in my little drum bag, I actually have a tennis ball and I got a whole routine I roll in and it doesn't bug me. But my thing is, is if I don't do that every fucking time, if I just sit down to play, like the, the, it's annoyed again. Now is that for life? Because once you get it, you get it, or can I actually build it back up again? Like, um, if I don't stretch, I always feel like it's right. I feel like I'm a week after the injury happened.

Do you know what I mean? I don't go back with the affliction, but it's a nagging pain. So ask your wife or girlfriend there is, uh, am I fuck for life with this or can I actually build it back up again the way, you know, I've torn muscles and I'm able to build it back up every once in a while, something will happen. Ah, it gives a fuck. I don't know. All right, Bill, why the back and forth?

Uh, Billy D. Williams. Why do you start and quit drinking so much? You're truly not an alcoholic. Well, you can say that from what? Listening to the podcast? He goes, of course I can't know for this, this for sure. Okay. He just put himself back and check.

I apologize. Uh, but this doesn't, but it doesn't seem like you need booze to get through the day. You're not a different person when you drink. It's not like, holy shit, Bill's drinking again. Hide your punch lines and put the kids to bed. You literally, you're literally the Oprah of booze consumption. With this whole wagon bullshit, wagons are like wheelchairs. Don't fuck with it unless you need it.

Have a whiskey. You'll be fine. Tell Verzi. I think he's a two beer queer. I called it. Uh, no dude, you need to hang out with us. You have to understand that how would you drink? Okay.

If at the end of every day there was an open bar, free by the way, I guess open bar is free. I'm an idiot. An open bar, free bar, Paiala mode with ice cream, please. Um, yeah, that's the thing. Like I have an unbelievable amount of free time and I drink as much as two of my friends who've gone to the doctor and found out that they had an enlarged liver. So and then also it ages you.

You get a puffy face and all that. So what I do is yeah, little binge and purge, little binge and purge. I'm doing great. I'm still in great shape. I still look good. You know, I'm losing the roof, but everything else is looking all right. You know, what do you want from me? I appreciate your concern, but, um, you know, I just went on basically like a two year bender.

I took a year off and then I came back, came back strong, picked up right where I left off. Dude, I had four fucking white Russians who does that before I got on a plane, woke up with a splitting headache and I felt like ate a bag of Halloween candy. Who does that? You know, fucking idiot. I need to take a little time out. I feel great after 28 days.

It's good to give your liver a break every once in a while. Um, but believe me, I'm going to up to Canada and the same way a woman goes to the Bahamas or goes to the tropics and fucks around on her husband and says it doesn't count because I'm outside of the country. I do the same thing with booze. It doesn't count. I'm in Canada. What am I supposed to do?

It's fucking cold up here. All right. Gay guy who likes a girl, a billion dollar bill. I'm a 20 year old gay guy and I recent, and recently I've started to like my best friend who is a girl. I never liked a girl before. So this is uncharted territory for me. She knows I'm gay.

We go to the movies alone together and have, and have sleepovers and really just do things that I know she wouldn't do with her guy friends who weren't gay. Okay. Um, so you get to fucking sleep in the same sleeping bag with her. She knows that you're not going to be poking her. Is that what it is? Anyways, her boyfriend who I don't know too well is cool with us spending so much time together because he knows I'm gay and therefore I'm no threat to him.

About a month ago is spending the night in a room when she took her shirt off and started changing in front of me. She's comfortable. She's comfortable enough with me that she's changed in the same room I was in before and I never really cared because she always had a bra on underneath. This time she didn't. So I saw her tits. You sound like a straight guy that you said tits.

It's really blunt. So I saw her tits instead of her breastesses. I saw her tits and it was the first time I've ever seen a girl naked before ever since that happened. I've had a huge crush on her more than I've ever liked a guy even. So wait a minute. So that means what? You saw a naked guy first and then you just went with guys and now you've seen a woman.

This is dude. This is beyond me. This is really fucking interesting. So you have a serious like crush. He goes, I think about her all the time, often sexually and now I feel dishonest every time I see her because she still thinks I'm gay while in reality, I'm sometimes there thinking about what it would be like to fuck her. Hey buddy, welcome aboard.

Permission granted. Come on aboard. I'm loving this story. Telling her I like her would get me nowhere since she has a boyfriend but I hate living with the guilt of her not knowing. What should I do? I'll tell you what you do. What the fuck up is what you do.

That is a fucking shit storm private. You stand the fuck down on that one. If you think, why don't you go try out your new desires on someone outside of that relationship? I would definitely, I don't know what to tell you. This is fucking, dude, you got to call Dr. Drew on this one. I got to throw out a lifeline here. I would go out to a bar and you know what? God damn it.

I need a gay friend for this one. You know what? I'm going to ask a gay friend and I'm going to get back to you next week. What do you think about that? And in the meantime, don't fucking pull a Facebook here and just fucking vomit all your feelings. Don't do that, okay? I know I'm sounding like I'm being a dick but I'm helping you out here.

This is a shit storm here because first of all, she's in a fucking relationship with somebody. You don't want to do that. She's also now friends with you and she thinks you're gay and she thinks that she can trust you. She thinks on you, come fucking walking at her with a fucking stinger. She's going to think about all the time she fucking changed in front of you and it's just really going to creep her out.

I don't know what to tell you, dude. Like I would say right now, stop sleeping over there, figure out what the fuck's going on. But I need some, I need some, I need some gay help. I need some gelp on this one. Gay people, any gay people out there? Wherever you are, come in, come in, come in. Yeah, help me out on this one.

We'll have a new section of the podcast, gelp, gay help. Help me out on this one. I don't know what to tell this dude, all right? All right, girl wanted to roofie me. Jesus, these are some interesting ones this week. Will, don't worry, this isn't some creepy story. Oh, it's one of those mainstream roofie stories. The person says, I got to college in the northeast.

Last weekend my buddies and I had a party and I invited this, yeah, you left out the word, I'm going to guess girl from one of my classes because we were always laughing together, blah, blah, blah, blah. So she shows up and she looks amazing. Ah, what a great story, what a great time in your life. What could go wrong? We started laughing, doing shots even better. She starts leaning into me more as the night goes on, ah, memories, like the corners of

my life. After things start to settle and her dumb friends leave, we go up to my room. She sits on my bed and asks me if the door is locked. I tell her yes, capital YES with confidence and also confusion. She then pulls something out of a bag and asks if I want to get crazy with her. I say, well, not the kind of fun that will result in me gargling my own chunks like Hendrix. Ah, Jesus, I hope you didn't say that. She got the joke and laughed.

All right, she's a keeper. I felt good about what was to come. Maybe it was ecstasy, I've never done ecstasy and that could be fun, right? Nope, capital N-O-P-E. She then says, this is a low-grade roofie. Want to split it? Dude, this went from a coming of age story to immediately one of the most fucked up. This is a whole new room.

I never been in this room. I'm going to stand near the door for the rest of this. Now you might be thinking, this is mutual. How can this go wrong? We'd both be on the same medicine. I was intrigued, Bill. Very intrigued. I sat down at my desk and put on some music installed as I thought about it.

Then I heard your voice in my head, dude, either banger, clean, or get the fuck out. I'm a good kid from a small town and I'd rather jerk it for the rest of my life than pan it to a dumb female. Good for you. If you don't want to do it, don't fucking do it. Let alone partake in something that nuts. I still collect baseball cards, you know, if you can't do the math. Now, dude, I listen.

I still buy old football cards. I'm right there with you. And there's a bunch of people out there who could literally just fuck a goddamn ostrich on the 50 yard line in a football game and wouldn't give a shit. They would do it and they would feel fine about it the next day and they should do it. All right. If you're more wired that way, yeah, don't do it. He goes, so I told her, this can only go bad for me.

She then says, how about only you take it? What? Dude, you need to get this girl the fuck out of the room before she takes out a strap on. Um, I don't like this at all. This is creeping me up. She says, I tell her that that is only a terrible idea. She laughed a little bit and then I explained the situation to her. Dude, wait a minute.

She goes, is the door locked? She pulls out a roofie. Let's split it. What if only you take it? Dude, this is, uh, this, this isn't good. She goes, I said, okay, wait, she laughed a bit and then I explained the situation to her. I said, look, babe, you're putting me in a terrible position here because I wanted to

strip you down and have at it, but I can't with that thing in the room. It's a loaded gun. I told her, I told her we were going to walk together to the bathroom and flush it, neither one of us being alone with the powerful supplement. She laughed and said, she understood. We started going at it and the next morning she said, I'm sorry if that was weird. I'm glad you're a smart guy that earned you a threesome with my friend from home. Just say when, oh my God, what a fuck did that Hollywood ending come from?

Bill, within 12 hours, I went from here, some good old fashioned college fund to prepare my defense to how can I satisfy her and her friend properly? There's only one way to learn. Fucking go jump in it. I'm such a dumb guy after she pulls out a roofie. Fuck this. She goes, so how do, so how'd I do? Would you ever eat a roofie with a, no, fuck no.

The answer is, is always no, right? Absolute. You, you saying no fucking walked you into a threesome Jesus fucking Christ dude. If you don't do a follow up fucking email to that. I don't even care if this isn't true. This is the greatest screenplay I've ever read. Oh, that's fucking phenomenal. More power to you.

They have it for the grace of God. That's fucking phenomenal. All right, here's the thing. You go over there. This is the thing. You want this to be a home game if you can, because she's a little fucking weird. If they insist you go over her place, you got to fucking do it. Go over there.

All right. Don't let them spray you with any sort of mist. If they do, you got to jump through the screen door. You got to get the fuck out of there. All right. Other than that, fucking take the beach, my friend. Oh, that's great. That made my fucking week.

All right. Third cousin, dear Billy Bendito. I live in Denver and I'm visiting my family back in Nebraska recently. I was visiting. Sorry. My mom and dad are both from the same small town and had larger families. So I have a lot of family back there. I was with a cousin, please don't go sexual here.

Also from Denver. And if you don't go sexual and I just said that and it grossed you out, I apologize. Also from Denver at a bar in a nearby large town. And we were throwing back a couple of beers. There was a pretty young lady at the bar who surprisingly enough found me quite charming. One thing led to another and I ended up going back to her place. Dude, great fucking emails this week. The next morning we were grabbing some coughing and having some more detailed conversation

about ourselves. And it turns out we have the same great grandpa and grandma. Oh, no. IE our parents are cousins making us third cousins in your mind. Is that weird? Yes. Yeah, it is that it is weird. Is that legal?

I'm no fool and wrapped my tool. Jesus Christ, dude, do you have that on a t-shirt? I'm no fool. Be no, don't be a fool. Wrap your tool. I'm no fool and wrap my tool. But do you know what the chances are me and this girl would have created a mutant had I knocked her up?

Thanks and go fuck yourself. Well, I can look that up for you, sir on the lovely Internet. And like most people who do research on the Internet, I will take the first thing that I read as law. Third, and this is going to be on my computer now because of you, third cousin sex legal question mark, cousin marriage law in the United States. Oh, God, there's a fucking chat here with different colors. First regarding first cousin marriage in the United States.

First cousin marriage is legal in California. What Hawaii, Alaska, Massachusetts, Vermont, New York, no fucking way. Criminal offenses, Texas, you know, sometimes when Texas is right, they're fucking, they're right. Oklahoma, both the Dakotas in Nevada. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, well, let's get the third cousin here. This is just first cousins, where the fuck is third cousins? How is first cut?

There's no fucking way you can marry your first cousin. That isn't right. That was Wikipedia, by the way, incest, cousin marriage, law regarding incest, dude, I don't want to be on this part of the Internet, dude, you got to look this up. Okay, whatever. You got to wait with it. Hopefully just stay away from her. All right.

Jesus Christ. When you notice somebody has the same smile as you, like you ever notice the Kennedys, they all have that fucking horse tooth smile. You know, that's when you got to fucking pull the plug and get away from me. Anyways, I got shit to do, people. I know this is kind of a short one. Oh, it's an hour and 10 minutes. I appreciate you being patient.

My voice was a little fucked up after I did a lot of comedy this week, and I had to give it a break. I had to give my instrument a break. That is it. That's a podcast for this week. My big Canada tour is coming up, and I'm going to be back on the sauce, and I'm going to be smoking cigars, and I'm going to be telling jokes and skating on a pond near you. Up there in, uh, oh, can I do you want both fucking gold medals, I'm sure you're happy

eating a bunch of fucking donuts. Go fuck yourself. I'm out of time. All right. That's all I'm doing the Canada song next week. That's it. That's the podcast. I'll talk to you next week.

Please keep the emails coming. And I need help. I need help this week to help out that person there, like what, and are there any more stories like that? That's actually, does that mean that person's bisexual? I have no fucking idea. All right. That's it.

I'll talk to you next week. Okay. That's it. Thank you. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.