Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 2-25-13

Episode Date: February 25, 2013

Bill rambles about the Oscars, the Patrice O'Neal benefit, and buggery.

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I'm still in Boston My record is still fucked up So just bear with me There's going to be one more week But I promise I plugged in my laptop So there won't be the fan sound this week At least I got rid of that, right? It's snowing out here

I'm sitting in a hotel room I got the Oscars on in the background Not because I want them to watch them Nia was just watching them I told her to go downstairs to the bar while I do this I'd like to have her on the podcast But it's going to sound like shit It sounds like shit with one person

Forget about two I don't know I don't know I was all psyched to do this stupid podcast And I had the sound down on the TV And I saw Barbara Streisand And I was like, holy shit, is she singing? I know she notoriously has stage fright

She doesn't like to do it So I turned it on And she was singing that song Memories Which is... Who's kidding who? It's one of the most depressing fucking songs you're ever going to listen to It really just affected my mood Barbara, if you're listening to this

Could you please stop singing that fucking song? Memories when we all used to be young A lot of our dreams didn't happen And now we're gonna die Right? I fucking do not like sad songs like that I don't mind individual pain Speaking of songs

I've known about that dude Bruno Mars for a while I listened to a little bit of his shit But you know, I'm an old man I can't relate to somebody singing about the prime of their life I mean, I lived through the prime of my life At least I hope I did Well, maybe I hope I didn't Which means we'd get better at some point

And then Barbara Streisand wouldn't be fucking bumming me out They're goddamn depressing songs It was annoying She always sings it with the most sparkly fucking dress on They should rename that song Put a gun in your mouth Oh, Jesus, look how old Richard Gere is now It's just, I don't need this

He just told me fucking Ernest Borgneid died Which I didn't even know Half the people who are dying made movies when I was a kid now Which means that fucking Grim Reaper sickle Is right on my ass I don't need to see that I don't need to see that I don't need to see that somebody who did something on E.T. just died

Or some guy who made the fucking shark fin in Jaws died Well, I guess maybe I do That guy should get his due Right? You guys hear me typing here? I just remember I needed to talk about something That guy should get his due without fucking, you know, without a doubt But I just find it really depressing

You know, I don't know Anyways, what the hell am I talking about? I'm here in Boston and, uh, Oh, this is gonna be a rough one, people This is gonna be a rough one Once again, once again Talking into my fucking laptop This is bizarre to me

I'm out of my comfort zone There, there I said it You know, I haven't watched all the Oscars Did they do that stupid moment they do every year where they go? Movies They allow us to dream They allow us to look at life differently They allow us to see a future where things are better

They allow us not to have our balls sticking to our legs in the summertime If you don't have air conditioning, it's great to go in the theater I actually didn't see a lot of the movies this year Jesus, look at the fucking ass on her Anybody else notice Nicole Kidman did too many of those shoulder shrug exercises? What the fuck was going on with her? She threw away a cornerback Just in the neck, though

Is that Pilates? Pilates, like, uh, that's one good thing that we got out of the Inquisition Didn't we? Is we got that little Pilates stretcher rack there How fucked up was the Inquisition, huh? Bunch of people going around torturing you Till you say that you believed in the bearded baby You know, is it any wonder why I left that religion?

Oh, who's kidding who I didn't want to get up that fucking early Anyways, I had a huge, huge week Before I really get going here I want to thank everybody who came out to the Patrice O'Neill benefit on Tuesday night It was an unbelievable success And it was so great to finally send Send them off the right way

And I got to tell you Everybody on the show was hilarious And I really felt that people stepped it up And were just going above and beyond Like Keith Robinson was the funniest I've ever seen him Colin Quinn, Jim Norton, David Tell Everybody crushed Ian Edwards was great

Just because, you know, he does a lot of writing And I think not enough people know What a phenomenal comedian he is Rich Voss hosted Bobby Kelly Jumped on the grenade Came out first, Will Silvitz Who else? Did I miss somebody in there? I probably missed somebody and they're going to get upset

But it was such a success I'm not going to, I hope that we get to do it again Because it was great to see all those guys And everybody of course was backstage Trash and everyone Some people wore suits Other people didn't So immediately there was a Hatfields and McCoy

Going on in the green room So everybody was getting trashed Norton took a nice pounding Poor guy got himself in shape He thinks he's looking good But evidently he bought a suit When he was a little more pudgier So everyone was trashing him about that

And, you know, I caught some shit from my big head You know, the usual Sort of, oh, the tit for tat That went on backstage But I want to thank everybody who came out It really was an awesome night And I feel very thankful that all you guys Who bought tickets came out

And people who bought the posters And that type of thing And I'm really hoping that we can do it again At some point I have no idea when Next year, two years, I have no idea But it was too fun to not At least consider maybe doing it again All right, so there you go

All right, back to the podcast here I've already started this thing a couple of times I forget if I already brought this up But Tom Papa has joined the wonderful world Of All Things Comedy Podcast network that I started with Al Madrigal He's going to be taping a new stand-up special And there's free tickets available

If you're in the New York area He's going to be at the Skirball Did I already do this? I probably already did But I'm going to do it again Is that the Skirball on March 7th? We'll put the link up there I don't remember, did I already do it? I probably already did it

Ah Jesus Christ Anyways, I was talking about singers So Bruno Mars was this guy that I knew he was a talented kid or whatever But like I said, a lot of his songs He was about being young and going out and partying That whole being in your 20s and that type of thing And I'm an old bastard

I mean I think I'm closer to Neil Young's age Than I am Bruno Mars But I don't know what I was doing I was clicking, going through the internet And I saw him sing on that show The Voice Which had I known it was The Voice I wouldn't have watched it because I don't like that show I don't like how they all sit there with their

Fucking backs to the singer And their lazy boys and then they hit the button And they turn around and that's supposed to be Like exciting for me as the viewer Like my life is that sad and pathetic It's not sad and pathetic but you know You gotta do more than spin around in a Fucking lazy boy to get me going, alright

But anyways He goes on that show Sang this song when I was your man Absolutely fucking crushes it Watched it like 10 times So this whole week I'm up at the Wilbur Theatre And I'm working with the sensation

Joe DeRosa And I keep telling him about it And he calls saying that I like this Fucking teen idol and all that type of thing And I just wouldn't let it up I finally made him sit down and watch it Last night when we were hammered He got through it and then I took an unbelievable

Pounding from him and Nia That I actually liked it but you know what I stand by it I don't give a shit if you guys give me a rough You know what I was excited about Is the fact that there's somebody young out there Who could actually just go out there with a piano player And just sing

You know Those DJs I've already talked about that on Conan I don't fucking get what's going on there Fucking Kanye West Guy does a whole song A whole album Using auto tune

He can't even sing And then even worse He goes out on fucking tour And people are paying tickets For a guy who can't fucking sing Without singing through this iron lung Or some shit And they're paying like a hundred bucks

To sit in the front row to watch somebody Who can't even fucking sing It made me feel good To see somebody just come out there And absolutely fucking crush it like that I've been joking with Nia I gotta go see this dude Live

And I have to bring you Because there's gonna be a bunch of fucking teenage girls That's gonna be standing there I'm gonna get arrested But I don't know It was a great thing to see When you get old

What happens is shit changes And because you're grumpy You don't think anything's better Is this too loud? Am I blowing myself out here? It's like a goddamn heart attack here in the mixer When you get old You're the better

Hair transplants are way better Some medicine is better But a lot of other shit suffers Cars all look the same I guess they're better As far as they're handling and safety and shit But you know Some shit was better

People could sing back in the day So it's nice to see somebody that can Jesus Christ, you think I'm drunk here That's actually two positive things Bro, that never happens on this podcast You know what? I'm actually upset That I missed and happy that I missed Was

Women fighting in the UFC There's just something There's just something so wrong about that To be just sitting there Taking fucking kicks to your womb I mean You're supposed to be better than that You're supposed to

Be able to solve your fucking problems You know By, I don't know Pulling each other's hair I don't want to see some girl Take a kick to her titties And grounded and pounding their pretty faces There really is to, I don't know

I don't want to get used to seeing that You know It's kind of like when you first start Watching porn Second a girl bends over doggy style You're like, holy shit, that's amazing You know, it's incredible Doesn't do anything for you

You got to go to the next level I don't want to do that with fighting I want to keep it like I can watch two guys beat the shit out of each other I really don't want to see two women Kick the shit out of each other But on the other side I don't think

The women can fight like that I actually have a solution I might bring this up to Rogan If I get to do his podcast Or if I ever bring him on this one If I stop being so fucking lazy And actually have a guest every once in a while I have a solution

I think that the women of the UFC Rather than fighting each other They should fight convicted rapists Just hear me out And they don't know They don't know Wait, that's weird Is that too much?

If the rapist doesn't know that he's going to have A pay-per-view fight That he's going to be involved in it I would ever give the rapist a fighting chance Here's the deal You go in there You fight the broad If she wins

Everyone's going to be happy If the rapist wins, then what? He gets to go free He can't let him go What does he get? A couple cartons of cigarettes Dude, do you know how fucking How much of an asshole you'd have to be

To root for the rapist? Because that's the fucked up thing Like Vegas would be then taking odds So at some point They would have to make Because Vegas always wants money On both sides of the ball They would have to make it so fucking enticing

Just so they could offset Everybody who doesn't Want to bet on a rapist I don't know, I'll have to get back to you on that one I'll have to work that one out As far as how that would work out Did anybody watch it? Can you send me some emails?

Because I really don't want to see that I've seen it in boxing a couple of times And some girls just sort of jab the other Throwing out a stiff jab and just Punches the girl right in one of her breasts And there's just something wrong about it You know? A low blow

Shit, a baby, man You know, you can't, it's just I don't know It was funny, some women actually Get mad at that With their constant quest To be doing everything that men do And never really

Stepping back to consider whether What we're doing is stupid or not They just want to fucking do everything That we're doing so they can feel Like that they are free Charlize Theron, what do you think about That haircut? That Wayne Gretzky in 1988

She should be up there Fucking accepting the heart trophy Hahaha I, you know It's funny, but when she was on the The red carpet She said They asked her about her haircut

And she said the same thing Every chick says That has short hair She goes, oh my god, it's so freeing It's just, it's just Every woman should do it And I'm thinking like, no they shouldn't For my own selfish reasons

You know, you don't need to get The effle haircut that young in your life That's really what that is That base, when you get that Haircut, you're basically saying You know, I don't care if my husband Wants to fuck me or not We're legally bound here

Five years in By all means, go fuck somebody else I really don't care And, uh Oh my god You know something like, I've noticed that In marriages, that's a moment In the marriage

When the woman, I'm sure some people Can send me some emails When your wife cuts off all her beautiful hair I got it so easy I just wash and go, you know Right then But a woman gets a haircut that short It's like doggy style becomes

A really weird position You know, depending on their hair color They can all of a sudden look like One of your friends You know, alright I'm really going off on the women here I'm really putting you guys in a box, no pun intended Alright

I don't think you should fight in the UFC Unless you're fighting rapists And, uh, I don't think that you should get The, uh Mabel haircut until you're I don't know That should be the menopause haircut Hot flashes

I can't have my teenage hair anymore It's making my brow sweaty I think that that's when you should cut it off You know They always do, they always I don't know, they always have to still Fucking tease it in some way It's like, why don't you just

Just part it on the fucking side If you're just going to go out And get like a Steve Carell haircut Then you should comb it like him Steve Carell, that's a bad That's a bad reference Who has just a George Clooney You know

Jesus Bill, are you judging enough People here or what? Yeah, I am I am, what are you going to do about it Alright, click in here I know this is making a ton of noise I don't know what to tell you I'm advertising here, I gotta read Alright everybody, where is it

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Use stamps.com Enter Burr That was pretty good read I got to admit I was reading that and watching a very excited Quentin Tarantino Sorry, I'll lean back Fuck, I forget the microphones right here

Oh, it's going to be so uneven What the hell are we? Jesus, I'm sorry guys This is even for me This is a level of unprofessionalism Did I mention Tom Papa yet? You know what sucked today? Aside from the fact that I was doing that

Annoying, not raining, not snowing And blowing horizontally right in your face I really do not miss the winter by the way I do not miss the shit at all I'm going to go right back out to Los Angeles And breathe in that nice warm smog That I've really gotten accustomed to What do we got here? You know, the Bruins were on today

And I have the I have the, whatever, the center-ice package Whatever you call it, on my computer But because it was a local game It's blacked out on my computer And I'm in a hotel and they don't have Nessun, so I didn't get to watch it But I did see the clip of Zidane O'Chara's

360 Backhand goal You know? Let's see, John Scott do that Buffalo fans, hey, Buffalo fans Did you see, did you see what's his face That John Scott shouldn't even be in the league? I literally sound like a schoolgirl

Even Jeremy Roanick Doesn't like him Um I can't wait until we play The Sabres again And I can't wait until we play The Stupid Canadians You know what I love about the Canadians?

They're still trying to walk around Like they're the kings of the league I mean, last time The Canadians won a Stanley Cup White people Loved OJ Simpson Okay White people, last time they won it

It was a year before White people were like Oh my god, OJ is a monster You know? And black people too, but only amongst themselves They're not allowed to admit it to white people That's how long it's been And they still walk around

Oh, it's so embarrassing When you go up to this stupid The stadium there Right as you go in, all they got All their Stanley Cups Which I'm sure is a great idea When they built the place Because they probably thought there's no fucking way

We're gonna go on a decade upon decade Drought here Because they're not winning it this year You know, they're not And if they win it this year Um I'm actually gonna lobby No, if they straight up win it

Fuck, but if I haven't watched too many of the games But if they're playing that trap defense Like I heard Like that Canadians Rangers game Where the coach of the Rangers said It was one of the worst hockey games he's ever seen

Just completely boring I don't understand for the life of me Why the NHL just doesn't make that An illegal defense If basketball, the NBA is smart enough To be like, listen, guys are too big You've come up with the defense That is just far too effective

It's so cutting down the scoring It's affecting the entertainment value of the product That's an illegal defense You can't do it anymore I don't know why They just haven't made the fucking thing illegal It's the worst It's the fucking worst

All you do is just sit there watching the other team Just dumps it in the whole game You know, when the other team just sits there Waiting for you to make a mistake It's literally, it's like I don't know what it's like watching I can't even say a pitcher's duel Because a pitcher's duel is exciting

Watching if they're mowing people down There's still great plays being made Like exciting stops in the field If somebody's got a no hitter going That can be exciting No scoring in hockey I can't even say no scoring No rushes on the net

You know, I think that basically The forward should all be Required I mean, I guess The trap is They are forward checking It's too fucking effective I don't know who came up with it

But it's perfect I'll give you a link to it For you guys who aren't hockey fans If you're watching, it's really phenomenal So It's just I was watching one YouTube video And the guy was saying he had a system that could beat it

But I don't think he does Or somebody in the NHL would be doing it You know what I like to do people? I like to have a microphone That I lean away from talking about The most obscure of the top four sports And breaking down the defenses Because I feel that that's going to be interesting

For the fans Let me at least for the love of God Get to a goddamn letter here This is from Mexico Hola, hombre Sorry First of all I'm a huge fan of yours From Mexico

If I was a newscaster I would have been First of all I'm a huge fan of yours from Mexico I love your stand up I love when you are on call Thank you very much Thanks for all, keep it up Thank you, alright That was it

Oh I'm sorry I love your stand up I love when you are at Conan And most recently I love the boots You are rocking at your latest appearance So if possible could you share what brand What brand are those What the fuck are they

You know what I have them Hang on a second I'll go get them I'll go get them for you Oh my God what a podcast It's amazing They are Back with the shoes I gotta be honest with you

Me amigo from Mexico I got these when I was in Stockholm, Sweden I had to get something They are Ah Christ my fucking eyes are going I tell you that I tell you that my fucking eyesight is going

You know pissed me off As I was hanging out with Opie from the Opie and Anthony show And he asked me one day he goes dude Are your eyes starting to go yet I go no my eyes are fine He's like they will bro They will he's always doing that shit

Shoulder hurt No it doesn't You wait it's gonna And I'm like why does he think that All of his ailments are gonna hit me It's not an age thing it's how you lived your life You know We have two totally different bodies

Why would you say that to me And the fucking son of a bitch My eyes wasn't right about the shoulders Alright they're called Rizzo See the Rizzo Or Pizzo I think it's Rizzo

R-I-Z-Z-O I got them in Sweden though A couple of years ago And God knows they probably stopped Making them because that's what they do Right they start making clothes Everybody loves them and then they get rid of them They gotta get some new ones

You hear these right here You know what that's the sound of An almost empty tin of bootleg Bootleg fucking M&M's These things just suck any wrong with them I can't stop eating it but they're disgusting Totally ripped off M&M's They look just like them except

They don't have the M on them Alright this is from Ireland Ireland in the New World Order Dear Billifer I've been a huge fan of your podcast for years now And think your advice is pretty fucking great And thank you In fact listening to one of your podcasts helped me leave a shitty toxic relationship

Look at this Oh Billy Redface Helping people out And I've been lucky enough to meet a fantastic woman since Hey buddy it could be more happy for you Could have been happier for you Anyways he says Enough blowing smoke up your arse

I love when people do that I didn't ask you to do it And I helped you out with the most important thing in your life Anyways he said I'm from Ireland And that country is pretty much owned By the European banks now And no longer a sovereign state Essentially was taken down

Economically And everyone Is in debt now I live in Britain And now they are voting on having secret courts And all kinds of terrifying Or welly and shit Secret courts

Oh my god So it does seem We are skipping towards the New World Order My question is On population reduction How do you think the New World Order Are going to take us all out Also

When you say you understand Why they want to do this What about the fact that they want To turn who's left into slaves I don't condone it But I mean that is Pretty much The history of human beings

You know I mean we are all Unbelievably lucky To be living right now As free people You know because when you think about yourself What do you bring into the table You know

I don't know I can't talk for you You know I don't know I can't talk for you But I'm certainly not royalty I haven't invented anything So Why shouldn't I be out there Picking up heavy shit for smart people

That's probably one of the dumbest things I ever said but I get I don't know I just I don't have any faith in human beings I just think that There's a select few That are Decent

Myself when I say that And I just don't feel that I don't feel that people Handle power They can't handle it You know And that even goes for regular people A lot of people shit on the rich

They're fucking assholes And they act like they're better people But I mean if If you just look at what people do on the internet When they just have the power of being anonymous How fucking mean that they are You know I know some people just trolling But a lot of people they just

They're assholes They're like holy shit I can say whatever I want Not getting trouble for it And they just immediately just say the meanest shit They can possibly say You know I think that If you actually got a position of power Where you could do something else

You'd probably abuse that too So anyways How do I think they're going to take us all out I don't know Cell phones They're probably just cooking up brains I have no idea I would think that

They would do the usual shit Divide Divide You basically Say that these people are better Than these people These people are out to get us Yada yada yada

I don't know But you know it has to be done Ha ha ha ha ha People do you think we're just Going to keep having more and more people And eventually this shit Isn't going to hit the fan Do you honestly think that there can be

Seven billion people on the planet We're not affecting the planet You know Imagine if there was Seven billion deer on this planet And for some fucked up reason For like a four year period They all really got into rollerblading

Did I use this analogy yet I can't remember Let's just say they all really got into rollerblading Then after four years it was considered gay And they all got They just threw out their rollerblades Throw them into the fucking ocean I mean it would just be

Open season on deer They're like these fucking deer The biggest assholes ever Um Yeah we're out of control And a lot of tough decisions are going to have to be made And uh I don't know what to tell you

Ha ha ha I find though I find it all funny though Um I've gotten beyond The scary scariness of it I got beyond the depression of it And uh Something's going to happen

Look if they're not actually um Look If somebody isn't out there Trying to take over the whole world Then humanity has been wiped off the planet There's always going to be somebody out there Trying to do that shit But uh I don't know

I think if we keep fucking And having kids and all that type of shit Uh I don't think we're going to have to worry About the new world order doing anything to us I think mother nature Will swiftly Or slowly I don't know They'll handle it

There's only so many fish Hey you want to kill all of them See how that works out You know Melt the fucking ice caps Drown us Very easy Very easy to get rid of us

A couple of storms Do I sound crazy? Well maybe I am I don't give a fuck Cheater at the Wilbur Hey Bill I saw you uh I was at your late show Last night And before I get into it I had a great time

Anyway about 20-30 minutes Before the sensation Joe DeRosa took the stage By the way Joe DeRosa is taping his half hour comedy Central Presents right here in Boston On Tuesday night And uh Comedy Central they're giving out free tickets

So why don't you guys go down and support my boy I'd really appreciate it If you're busy I understand Couple of you show up Be a nice thing Anyways about 20-30 minutes before the sensation Took the stage He was great by the way

I was sitting next to this fairly attractive woman Up in the mezzanine She took one look at this usher And you could tell her twat got wet And she wanted him Jesus dude You were really paying attention to this She started talking to him

And hitting on him and eventually Settling on a time and day To get together with him and they exchanged Phone numbers For about 5 minutes after this exchange I was admittedly A little jealous of this guy Until the lady's husband came

And sat down with her He was definitely her husband And at first it was a little uncomfortable for me Especially when she gave me You better keep your mouth shut Or I'll stab you Look Did this really happen or did you dream this?

Who would just fucking Openly cheat like that I don't know if I believe this But after a couple of minutes I saw the irony of it When I thought she's here to see Bill Burr A comedian who is famous for his anger Towards these whores

And I started dying laughing Right in the middle of the theater When it wasn't even half full yet Which got me a couple of stares from people But hell I thought it was fucking hilarious I had no clue at what I was laughing at Which made it even better And I started laughing harder

Anyway, love the podcast And I will see you again in Hampton soon Um Yeah Look I hope that didn't I hope the way you were reading that It didn't go down that way

But uh You know I've been on the road a long time boys and girls So you're gonna fall asleep Um I've been on the road a long time And uh yeah You'd be amazed how married women behave

It's fucking ridiculous And it's not all of them Basically what it is The decent people after the show They go home You know why? Because they're happy With their lives They're happy with who they're with

They got kids, they got a job They get back to their life It's the people who hang out afterwards Unless you're young and in your 20s But I'm saying It's people who are married and they still Fucking hang out, they're still searching They're still seeking

You know And uh shit happens People, oh my god Is Meryl Streep that fucking old? Ah You know what, I'm gonna shut this off I can't fucking watch this shit anymore She's like a first lady

She looks like a first lady Uh Did she get, by the way Did she get nominated every year? She has to go down Like people always talking about Like Da Nero, Pacino Uh Marlon Brando and that type of thing

You gotta throw her in there She's gotta have the most nominations ever Um Isn't that unbelievable Let's just say Isn't that unbelievable Let's just play along with this thing here Let's just say that that's true

Like how long Was this guy gone for? Man It had been pretty, she takes one look At this guy, starts shooting the shit And they're talking loud enough That you hear it and exchange phone numbers I don't know, well I mean I've

I've seen uh I've seen worse things I've been one time I was on the road You know, drinking with some people afterwards There was this married couple And the fucking wife In the end, we all go to say good night, say good night

The husband, she comes up And I'm standing there and she basically puts her Clam on my fucking leg Just like walks right into it It was, it was You know It's just like Your husband's right over there

You got your goods on my leg What are you doing? And I'd like to tell you that That only happened one fucking time You know the deal Women are smart with their dirt They keep it in house I think they just talk about it amongst themselves

But uh, and then they got that great thing That even when they cheat It's always because the guy wasn't Wasn't giving me what I needed Blah blah blah blah blah Like, well yeah, that's why guys cheat too You know You weren't bringing another woman

Into the bedroom so I could have a threesome Yeah You know I don't fucking know Hey, you know what would be fucking unreal Is what if your wife was one of those UFC chicks You know, and you just a regular shithead Like me

What do you do when you catch her cheating Hahahaha What are you gonna do That'd be fucked, right And she goes Yeah, what are you gonna do about it She sort of cracks her neck You know you'd still have to take a run at her

I swear to god I would grab a fucking The leg of a table You know, that's what I would do I would grab A blunt object And just swing below the waist You know, because that's a lesser degree of assault

And uh, I just know She hasn't any of her training I know she can choke me out I know she can put me in an arm bar I know she's good standing up You know, but she hasn't dealt With weapons I just start throwing shit at her

Start with a chair Maybe a clock Clock's a great thing to have I guess that would be my failsafe If I married one of those UFC fighting chicks I would have a bunch of knickknacks That I would slowly be accumulating As though it was a hobby

But what it really would be Is I would be stalking it with weaponry You know What if she's an angry drunk And just starts beating my ass And I gotta fucking go to work the next day Telling lies You know, my name is Luca

I married a UFC chick That'd be fucking brutal Oh my god, that'd be the end of your life You know what's sad There used to be a guy out there Who's just getting beat down by his woman Every night, there's just no You can't fucking bring it up to anybody

You know Where's that fucking Support group Alright, revenge Jesus Christ, I'm blowing through All these questions Revenge, Bill Burr I often have fantasies about getting

People back, but like you I look at my higher self And I can't do it No, that's not what I do I know I'm too fucking stupid And I'm gonna get caught You know, and I've also watched enough sports Where I know that it's the guy

Who retaliates You know, he's the guy who always gets the penalty So anyways I got my revenge By living well and doing nothing Here's what happened To at least a few of my enemies And he said

Nothing to make this happen Okay, so this guy's basically claiming That he always wanted to get revenge But he took the higher road and his revenge Was living well and doing nothing So here's all these people that he wanted to fuck over But never did This is what happened to these people

Alright, first person The dude who fucked with me Eventually went to jail For buggery and hanged himself When he was there What is buggery? Is that fucking around? Is that tomfoolery?

What country is this from? Okay, that's good. Now did you feel good When he hung himself? Another guy I hate Was arrested for selling booze to kids And I laughed my ass off When I saw him on a news story About a local ATF stink

Oh, that's a good one Another dude who fucked my lady And had the back Of his head caved in By an unknown assailant Not me, I swear Because he buggered a child Alright dude, if

Any more people suffer Sort of the same Violent ending, I'm gonna I'm gonna start to think that I'm gonna start asking where you were When all this shit happened So anyways, this guy got the back Of his head caved in for fucking with the kid

He's alive but is now retarded You mean brain damaged? You know, I wish women would Consider the possibility That they're hooking up with buggers When they go out on a girl That their girl power fuck sprees Dude, for the love of God

What does buggers mean? I gotta look this up I can't read the rest of this shit What word am I looking up? I'm gonna look up buggery The British term buggery The British term buggery Oh look at that, gotta love the internet

Is a very Close in the meaning To the term sodomy Jesus Christ There's a bunch of people in England Laughing their ass off with me trying to Figure out what the fuck that was And it's often used interchangeably

In law and popular speech It may also be A specific common law offense Encompassing both sodomy And bestiality In English law Buggery was first used, I don't give a fuck About that, I don't care when it was first

In 1533 Jesus Somebody probably fucked a yak What the hell do you fuck In 1533 Saber tooth tiger, you couldn't do that The thing would kill you Stick your dick in a willy mammoth's trunk

Laughing Alright Defined punishments for the Abominable crime of buggery Committed with either mankind Or with an animal The definition of buggery was not specific In these or any statutes

But rather established by judicial precedent Over the years the courts Have defined buggery as including Either anal intercourse By a man with a man or a woman Or vaginal intercourse By either a man or a woman With an animal

Well what if you fucking have anal intercourse With an animal Is that like some sort of Second degree Buggery I don't fucking know But not any form of unnatural intercourse That is fucking unreal

Most common law Jurisdictions have now been modified The law to permit anal sex Between consenting adults Jesus They have a picture here of a guy A depiction of buggery Of a goat

By the late great paul avril Now I gotta This is wikipedia Now I gotta look up paul avril Is this what he was known for Drawing painting Oil paintings of buggery Evidently he was a french painter

And a commercial artist All right, here's his gallery He's got a couple of women Maybe it's a guy, everybody kind of looks the same She's got her fucking leg spread He's got a Jesus Christ This guy made some filthy fucking fall Oh, I see

Holy shit This guy has a photo Of a guy Banging a chick on her back While some other dude Is putting it in his ass I'll tell you right now, if that's not buggery He is

He is committing it And haven't done to him at the same time What the fuck You know what This is This is I know This is really creepy

Wow, this guy really wrote pornographic shit Okay, now there's a normal one Guy and a girl Okay, there we go Who are you to say what's normal? I'll go fuck yourself, you know what I'm saying Mainstream He's got a little

He's got another one Of two chicks One's going down on the other What the fuck was this Isn't that funny, don't you always think that nobody did shit Like 1849 to 1928 So people are sitting there talking about The internet and all this porn

And how it's gonna do to you Look at this shit, this guy was painting Buggery, everybody See that, you learned something I like to think you learned something on every podcast Now I have to go back here For all the people here in America Okay

A dude who fucked with me eventually went to jail for Buggery And hanged himself when he was there Yeah, because he was probably screaming shit and goat fucker at him Another guy I hate Was arrested for selling booze to kids And I laughed my ass off when I saw a new story About him at a local ATF sting

Another dude who fucked with my lady Had the back of his head caved in by an unknown assailant Not me, I swear, because he Buggered a child He fucked a kid Somebody caved his head in, alright I like that, frontier justice He's alive, but now he's brain damaged

You know, I wish women would consider the possibility That they're hooking up with Buggers when they go out on their Girl power fuck sprees Now what do you mean by Buggers, now does that mean that they're going out with a guy Who'd fuck a yak Or fuck a kid, or going out with a guy

To put it in their ass You're losing me on this one Please read this letter On your show in case Any hoes are listening Yuck I don't know what he's talking about My woman who fucked a child molester

Has become a 250 pound Warthog since then So her girl power days are over I got rid of her 15 years ago, thank god I don't know who to be Dude, you just kind of sound Just as bad as the people, I mean You haven't buggered anybody, I hope

But I mean, you sound just You're definitely a piece of work here, buddy Yet another dude Who used to pull the most bizarre Mind games on me and others Coincidentally had an Extremely expensive divorce I'm sorry

I was just thinking of that fucking photo I couldn't get that out of my head That someone would actually consider doing that Back in the day That just seems like next level porno That seems like the future, not the past You know Like a bunch of pornography people sitting around

Going alright What is left to do Gay porn We already did that Heterosexual already did that Hey, wait a minute You know, all these DJs are doing mashups I have an idea

Um, anyways Yet another dude who used to Who used to pull the most Bizarre mind games on me and others Coincidentally Had an extremely expensive divorce Now he's poor and helpless Former boss

Who was a hotshot fuck, went to jail for Embezzlement Dude, what have you been doing All these people have gone to jail This person goes to jail for embezzlement This other kid fucks a kid Somebody buggered some I don't know what, you know

Why don't you hang out with better people What part of the country do you live in, sir Um, several other fuckhead bosses Have lost their contacts Or otherwise got pushed into poverty Or injury by various means You know, this is starting to read like some fucking Charles Dickens story

Is this shit really happening or is this your fantasies Many other bad things have happened To slap offs who hurt me And guess what, I had to visit briefly With the police in a few cases Because they learned that I was a victim Of the douche baggery I think this is just science fiction

At this point, but it's a good read I have a good reputation So I was never treated seriously As a suspect Many of these things took years before they came out But they happened nevertheless Like clockwork I speak it very vaguely

If anybody knows what's going on in this I have no idea, all of a sudden I feel like I'm in some Sherlock home shit Um Are you like Kevin Spacey And you're just making all this shit up And you're gonna walk out of the podcast And your club foot's gonna straighten out

Um I had all the revenge I ever needed And never had to lift a finger Best of all, my soul is intact I'm not dead and I'm not in jail The world Has good things in store for all of us Your Monday morning podcast

Is great, thanks for cheering me up Every week Alright, sir, that was Definitely one of the more bizarre ones But you know something, thank you for writing in You taught me a new word And I saw A new sexual position

Hahaha Anyways What the hell are we? What the fuck do you go from buggery? I should have closed on that Ah, Christ, what the fuck is this? Get this out of the way Get this out of the way

Um, alright, what do I do here? I got another eight minutes to kill here Um Women in the UFC, boss I don't know what else to talk about I think I might be a little short this week Guys, I really apologize about the Unbelievably poor quality

Of recording these past few weeks I was really, um I was really busy and I didn't get a fucking chance To To do something that would only take me Fucking 20 minutes, so let's be honest But I was really stressing about that Patrice thing, I wanted to make sure that it

It went great And this weekend on stage I remembered a Patrice story that I told And I told you guys eventually I'd be able to tell you a story Um This is sort of a roundabout Patrice one But it's got Bobby Kelly, dude It's got him in it too

I'll tell you this one and then I'm going to end this podcast Uh, alright, so When I moved to New York, I moved there Basically I had never lived on my own I went right from my parents' house to living in New York City I didn't know shit about the ladies Right?

So I moved down to New York And I meet this girl who's an absolute Fucking psycho Alright Like, nowadays I swear to God I could talk to this girl for two seconds

To realize that she was out of her mind And I would not even, I probably wouldn't even say hello to her They'd just be in some way The way her eyes were darting around the room I would know that she was out of her fucking mind But, uh, I was young I didn't know shit, so I ended up going out with her

I need all the crazy girls They're fucking, they're great in bed And when you're young, you keep coming back You keep coming back because you never had it Like that before, so I keep coming back But she was fucking nuts This girl, she was crazy, I mean I I'd show up to her apartment

She'd have like a fucking Like a wig on and just act like She was somebody else That was fucking crazy You know, fuck my brains out I'm in my 20s, I'm gonna walk away from that I didn't realize I was I was like, she was out of her mind

So anyway, so I finally just said, listen This ain't working out, blah, blah, blah, blah And all of a sudden she turned into Glenn Close In fatal attraction And I didn't know how to get rid of her She would like, call me I'm on time, like She knew basically

When I was gonna be home And this is, I didn't have an answer machine Or anything like that Did I? Yeah, I think I did, no, I had voicemail And, uh She'd fucking call And I'm laying in bed And I know it's her, it's late at night

None of my friends are gonna call or nothing And, uh And I just let her go And, uh And I just let her go to voicemail And I swear to God, 8 seconds later She'd call again And she was calling

Like, she did this for almost, I swear to God Like 40 minutes straight Which is call my number It would go to, she'd let it ring 6 times It would go to voicemail And then she would hang up And then sit there for 5 seconds And then call me back

And after like the fucking 400th time She did this I finally picked up the phone And I went, what? And she's just like, oh I just, like Wanna talk to me, can you fucking call me For 40 minutes fucking straight

I'm trying to go to sleep, right? And I fucking hang up on her So she ends up coming by my apartment This girl was out of a fucking mind She was out of, I mean Just out of a fucking mind So it just keeps What I should have been doing

I should just shut the phone off If you're ever with a psycho chick like this What you have to do is you just have to freeze them out You have to act like they don't exist Because if you acknowledge them It just fuels them And they just keep fucking coming back Somebody finally told me that

Just pick up the phone, say hello If it's her, just hang up on her Just keep doing that But I didn't know to do that shit I don't care what happened, all I know is It escalates to the point that she's now threatening me And she told me I'm living with Bobby Kelly by the way

So he's giving me advice He's also a young guy And he's also kind of laughing his ass off And we're both kind of laughing Until one day she called me up And she threatened that she was gonna stab me Do something violent to me It really just freaked me out

So I fucking hang up And I'm going to Bobby I'm like, dude, what am I gonna do? You know, I'm going down the cellar tonight I think I was at the comic strip And I'm like, my fucking name He's right on the sheet She's just gonna know exactly when I'm coming in

What do I do? He's like, I don't know, dude I fucking, you know, wear two coats or something I don't forget what the hell he told me to do So like two, three hours goes by All of a sudden the apartment door buzzes And And it's her

And I'm like, hello She's like, yeah, it's me And I'm like, yeah, go fuck yourself And she goes, no, she goes like I want to give you something And I'm like, what, a fucking knife in the chest? And she's like, no, I made your brownies And I'm like, what?

And she went from three hours I'm gonna stab you till I made you some brownies So for some fucking dumb reason I buzz her in And I open the door with the chain, you know Standing way back behind it And there she is sitting there with her crazy eyes Those watery eyes that crazy people have

Big fucking deer eyes She goes, can I come in? I go, absolutely not She goes, take the brownies I go, I don't want it, she goes take them She turns the fucking tin sideways and she pushes them through So I take them And she goes, I'll call you later And I said, yeah, okay, just trying to get rid of her

Right, close the fucking door I sent it down on the table Me and Bob are a couple of starving artists They smell delicious We're both sitting there staring at these things going What the fuck do we do here? I want to eat them, but she just threatened to fucking stab me What do we do?

So, we call up the late great Patrice O'Neill Start telling him the story He's fucking laughing his ass off And he goes, don't eat those brownies that bitch Probably peed in the batter So now the three of us are laughing our fucking asses off Like, what do we do? So long story short

Me and Bobby End up taking, we take all the brownies out Except for like three of them And we stick them back in the tin And we were living on the ground floor And we brought it out We stuck it on top of a trash bag right on the sidewalk And anything you had on New York City

Man, you just stuck it out there We lived up on 97th Street We had like crack heads Living in like the bowels of the building It was fucking nuts So anything you put out there was gone in two seconds So we just stuck it there We ran back into the apartment

And we just sat there peeking through the curtain Wait for some homeless guy to come along And see what happens when you eat them Sure enough, some homeless guy comes along He sees the tin, sees them in there Picks them, squeezes them, sees they're fucking still warm Pops one in his mouth, nothing happened Me and Bob looked at each other and we said, fuck it, we ate it

And they were delicious That really wasn't Patrice was only in there, he only made a cameo In that one, but I'll try and tell some other ones later on But, ah Jesus Bill, you let us down on that one It was a nice crazy woman story

It's a fucking podcast If this is my kryptonite, if I don't have my recorder It goes down by 20% in the funny Anyways That was the Monday Morning Podcast for this week Ah Jesus Thank you for listening

I don't know what shows I have coming up But I know you guys don't want to listen to me clicking On my computer anymore I really apologize for the poor quality These the last two weeks I swear to God, next week is going to be fucking crisp Alright, that's the podcast For this week, go fuck yourselves

And thank you to everybody here Who came out to my shows at the Wilbur Theatre It was an unbelievable turnout Every show was great And all my family and friends that came out People I went to school with It was great to see everybody And that is it

I'll see the city of Boston I'll be back in the summer Up in New Hampshire, maybe down the Cape Alright, that's it, see you Thanks for watching!