Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 2-25-19

Episode Date: February 26, 2019

Bill rambles about the legacy of Brody Stevens, the American dream, and taking it easy.

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It's time for the Monday Morning Podcast from Monday, February 25th, 2019. What's going on? How are ya? I'm recording this in New York City right before I get on a plane to go fly to London. Do my little run through the UK, take my special and then come home and I ain't doing shit. I ain't doing shit. I'm taping this Sunday here, the 24th. Tough day, definitely a tough day. They're having this memorial for Stephen Brody Stevens tonight at the comedy store.

And unfortunately I'm in New York and I can't be there. Crush that I can't be there and say all the things I would have liked to have said, which really is the strange thing about when somebody dies. Do you ever notice when somebody dies, then you somehow immediately know emotionally exactly what you wished you would have said to the person? It's really weird, but I kind of get it because that's a heavy thing to do to somebody. Like, what would I say to this person if I knew they were going to die tomorrow? If you just fucking hit them with that while they're sitting there eating a fucking cob salad,

they're going to be looking at you like, whoa dude, hey, let's try to keep it light here, okay? But I just, that fucking guy, my god, that fucking guy, that guy made me laugh. Like, I don't even know how to describe it. And it was the way, like, nobody ever made me laugh that hard the way he made me laugh. It was completely 100% just a unique, unique, unique sense of humor. Just really, you know what's funny is I've been talking all of these comics about them over the last couple of days here. We're all like quoting his jokes. And it's like, if you don't know Brody, it's kind of, like, you kind of have to know him.

And he kind of had to be familiar with his act to, because it was his fucking cadence, half the time. Like, it's a good example. I remember one time I was down at the comedy store. We were in the main room and I was with my wife, Nia, and Brody went on stage. And I swear to God, that fucking genius went on stage and for 10 minutes, described his dream apartment. And there was no set ups, no punchlines. It was just describing in, in like this sort of, I can't even, it was like Zillow speak meets like this amazing comedic cadence. I don't even, and I can't even remember what he said.

Me and Nia were just looking at each other and we're just dying laughing. And I just, it was like, you know, ceiling to floor windows, stepping down into the living room. And when he said that, my wife literally almost fell out of her chair. I know this won't seem funny to a lot of you because you didn't know him and I, nobody can recreate what that, the way that that guy did what he did. But when he said stepping down into the living room, like, I just put my head down on the table and was crying, laughing at the same time. Also, for the first time ever in my life, noticing how much reverence, if that's the right word, that I held anybody, like any room that you step down in, into, in an apartment is unbelievably classy. And I had no idea that I thought that. And I think the whole crowd, along with me, suddenly realized in that most moment that like, we all felt that and had never expressed it.

Brody had just expressed it. And he acted out stepping down and he sort of crouched into the living room. And it was just amazing, you know, and it was, and also to like probably behind all of that on the underneath was the sadness of, of, of, you know, like what he wanted and was he going to get it and all of that type of stuff that was just very relatable. And I don't know, man, it's like, I have this weird, this is a weird one where I'm really sad selfishly for myself, but I'm not like, I don't know, I'm not the most spiritual guy, but I just, I feel like, you know, his, his journey was like complete, I guess. You know, that's how I have to look at it or else it becomes too sad. And when I really look at how he affected everybody and just the fucking outpouring that was on Twitter and how psyched he would have been that, you know, that he, that he was trending on Twitter for two days now. I don't know, it was just, it was really that, that part of it was like a cool thing to see. And I used to, I tried to sit down and watch that show that he did with Zach Galifianakis. By the way, shout out to Zach for loaning his name, but that's so Brody could do that show.

And it was just too soon to sit there and watch it and watch him struggle. I just can't imagine having a mental illness where you're, you just literally just walking around fighting your own brain. And the way that he was able to do that and not lash out at other people and just be so kind and so sweet to everybody. And just so fucking funny, man. It's like, it's really, it's, it's an end of an era in, at the comedy store. Like there's, there's really not going to be, there's not, there was nobody before or after him that was, that was like that guy. And furthermore, he truly in the purest sense was a, was a comics comic where a lot of times that gets thrown around. Oh, this guy's a comic comic or she's comics comic and it's somebody that's also selling a lot of tickets. It's almost like it means it's a comedian that made it, but other comedians still like that person. And don't resent their success is sort of the way a comics comic is sort of the, I guess, definition of it.

Well, the way I kind of see it, but Brody was, he was, he was a comics comic in that he was really for us. Like the waitstaff and people that manage comics and people who had watched that amount of comedy to understand how unique he was and how different he was. And I love going on the internet now and all these people were just discovering him and some people getting him. But there's a lot of people being like, this guy isn't funny. This guy sucks. I'm sure you guys are sad, but this guy sucks. That makes me feel even better. It's like, yeah, you don't get it. You don't get it because you're not a fucking comedian. And you just have like, you know, where your comedic ear is is, hey, two guys walk into a bar and the rabbi says like, you're not going to get this fucking guy. Like you have to watch a lot of comedy to see how funny this guy was. And I'm really going to miss him. And, oh man, I remember when I was doing, I was, what was it? The oddball, the oddball tour.

And I had gone on, the crowd was fucking, you know, it was like, I don't know, fucking eight, nine thousand people. And it was just such a rush to be on in front and Brody was hosting. And Chris Delea was going on next. And I've always loved Chris. Like he just was like, you know, he reminded me of like a Boston comic where as far as like he could get up in front of early on, get up in front of a big crowd and kill it a level that was considering headlining the way I learned what it sounds like, what killing sounded like he was doing. So, you know, he was on his way out and I was saying, oh dude, you wait till you go out there. It's going to be fucking amazing. And I asked him, I was like, you want me to take a picture? Or I didn't know if I asked him what. So he was walking out and I wanted to take a picture of Chris right when he got to the microphone because the lights were up and you could see how big the crowd was. And I thought it'd be a cool thing for him to have and retweet or whatever.

And I was just focused on Chris, right? And Brody had done the fucking intro. And I didn't realize he was in frame one because I was just looking at Chris to try and frame it and I clicked the picture. And I was unaware that Stephen did this, you know, with his baseball background. There's a picture and I forget what he pitched Arizona, Arizona State, I think it was Arizona State, I'm not sure. And you know, you know that warm up that pitchers do like when we see like spring training before the game where they're walking and they put their hand out like straight out in front of them and like above their head. And then they just kick their leg up with their toe, their cleat of their toe touches their hand. I guess he used to do that. That was the first time I ever saw him do it. And when I clicked the photo, he was walking off stage doing that. And he had literally kicked his foot was at the apex almost touching his hand with his his head tucked down a little bit.

And I it just I saw that and I just started it just it was just so him I just started fucking laughing and I was just as a comedian like why did he do that? Was was that for the crowd? Was that for him? What was the person in the crowd as they're watching? Chris Dalia walking on stage and then in the peripheral, they just see this guy walking off kicking his fucking foot up to his hand like a spring training fucking pitcher in the in the grapefruit league. And for the rest of that fucking tour, you know, when you know, you get lonely on the road, I would just look at that picture and I would just die laughing. And so many people that I showed who weren't in stand up didn't understand why they were just sort of like, wow, that guy can kick his foot up high or whatever. They didn't get it or it wasn't hitting him the way it was hitting me. But I just I don't know, man. I don't know what else to say. I just I just it's just it's really obviously really sad. But he just was I don't know the way that guy touched me by what he did. I have this weird sort of I don't know. I can't definitely am really, really sad, but it's not that same kind of sadness.

And I'm not the most spiritual guy. But if there's if there's anything he's there, you know, after this, because I don't know. I never heard anybody say one bad fucking word about that guy is always such a night and he's fucking hilarious and all that. So anyways, there goes another one. So I don't know. I guess he would get frustrated. I mean, the whole fucking his whole thing is just like his whole life was like an Oscar winning movie. As far as the way he battled like what he battled and how positive he stayed. And like, I always wondered like what that what it was like for him to have all like the best comics being like, dude, you're like one of the funniest guys ever and then not getting that from the mainstream. You know, while, you know, battling all that other shit, I mean, and to not turn bitter and not be a fucking asshole is just unbelievable. It really is. So I guess now that like his life is complete, like kind of looking back on it, it was like, it was weird.

Like he was on his, what's that grateful dead song? It reminded me of that. You know, that line that song Ripple, where they say, what the fuck, how does that lyric go? Let me look this up here. It says there there's a road, no simple highway between the dawn and the dark and night. And if you go, no one may follow that path is meant for your steps alone. Yeah, I feel like if they ever do like a documentary, which I'm sure they're going to like that should be. That should be the tone because I don't know. I don't know if I'm saying this right, but like, I don't know what that guy did was just so fucking unique and there's there's a loneliness to be in that fucking unique. And the fact, like I said that he didn't turn into a fucking asshole about it and was just so nice and supportive to everybody. You know, I don't know. I don't measure up to that put it that way. So thank you to Brody Stevens and all of Steven Brody Stevens, all those fucking times. You made me laugh and everybody else. And I don't know, I think for the rest of my life, I'm going to be going, yes, you got it.

It just feels good to say it. I mean, half of my conversations, I think I had with him sadly enough was just me imitating him. He was he was so fun. I would just start talking, talking like him. So anyways, that's my two cents and there's a bunch of clips of him. If this made you interested, definitely look him up. And all right, I guess, I don't know where the fuck do you go from there? Jesus Christ, dude, like, Is this what being old is now? I mean, just fucking every like The comics die more than other people because I, you know, I have a whole list of everybody that died because I don't want to forget him. And I'm up to like fucking 32 comedians, you know, all guys to every single one of them. I'll tell you for all the bitch and the women are doing it stand up at least you're still alive. You can still do sets.

I was actually talking to Rosa and we were just we were telling Steven Brody Stevens fucking stories. It's the weirdest thing like on this because all these people that have died has always been like a sadness and blah, blah, blah. And with everybody I've talked to about Brody, it's like you end up crying, laughing, telling stories rather than crying, crying, you know. And we were trying to remember, here's another guy you should look up as far as like just fucking hilarious who died is a comic Rashid Thurmond, T-H-U-R-M-O-N-D. And he died right when I went to L.A. And I remember a young guy too, like 36, 37 years old. It was another, another great one. So anyways, where the fuck do you go from there? I've been running my set here in New York City, New York City, one of the most caring comedy crowds you're going to be in front of. Jesus Christ. I swear, I feel like a three year comic when I perform in New York City now. I don't know what the fuck is going on.

Part of it's me because of this, the overly sensitive fucking horseshit that's going on. It's forcing me to go in the other direction, you know, to just, it's just, it's the, you know, it's the balance of the universe. It's like, if you're going to fucking try to push me in this direction, I'm going to fucking go in the other one. Like if you back off, then I'm not going to be as much of an asshole on stage, but if you're going to be fucking sitting there, getting in my grill every time I fucking say something, it's good. It makes you, it makes you go hopefully even further in the other direction because comics are telling me they're going on stage out here and other comedians in front of just a regular crowd. It's not a benefit. Like again, if you're doing a cancer benefit, they go, hey, just don't do any cancer jokes. I get that. But it's just a comedy show and they go, don't talk about this. Don't talk about that. Don't talk. These fucking, these people are going to undo everything that Lenny, Karlin and prior, these guys went to jail. They went to jail. So, you know, and because they did that, believe it or not, a lot of these female comics that are on stage now talking about their fucking vaginas for 45 minutes. You wouldn't be able to do that if it wasn't for them. And now it's becoming this fucking thing where I don't, I don't know. I don't, I really just embathled.

And every time I think like, okay, we're going to come out of this ridiculously childish time and stand up where, where everybody is acting like comedians of all of a sudden presenting legislation that is going to be turned into law rather than it's just up there. Somebody just, just being an idiot. I don't know. I was doing this, some fucking club. I'm not going to say the club. I was doing the club and like, I was making fun of white women, how they act like they're oppressed. You know what I mean? When they're really just sitting in the jacuzzi with me, you know, how they get to sidestep their white privilege because they weren't allowed to vote 90 years ago, you know. So, just got the right to vote 90 years ago, whatever the fuck, 100 years ago. You know, obviously just being a dick and this white woman in the crowd just goes like, just guys. Fuck you. Just like that, right? And I'm like, that's all you got. She's like, what? I had to say it. Like she's literally patting herself on the back for how brave she was. It was fucking hilarious. It was just like the complete lack of passion and fire, the way she protested what I said, just, it just really shows like how unaffected you are by whatever the fuck it is you're complaining about. You know what I mean? Truly oppressed people, when they heck, when you say you cross the line, when they fucking heckle you, you feel like, oh fuck, that went too far.

It isn't, you don't sound like I was saying, she sounded like she was down the bottom of a well. Hey, stop it. So, anyways, I don't know, I was not bringing the Steven Brody Stevens positive vibes to that show. I was, I was being a bit of a dick. So whatever, I'll take, I always take my 50% of it, you know. So anyways, I go on to London today. Let's look up where old freckles is going to be. I don't even know. I think I started Liverpool, which I'm very excited about. She loves you, yeah, yeah, Liverpool, right? That's where the four fucking mop headed cunts are from. The Beatles. Let's see here. Let's go to my website, billburr.com everybody, if you're following along in your program, billburr.com. I'm going to be, yes, I'll be in Liverpool. Oh, would you look at that? Not until the 26th. So I actually get an extra day here. I fly today. Today's the 24th. By the time I land, it'll be the 25th. It gives me a chance to fucking chill out. I'm there for two days. Rumor has it most salads coming to the show. Kidding. I really fell out following fucking soccer. I tried. I fucking tried. Jim Brewer has the funniest fucking bit about Americans trying to get into soccer. Go once every four years, you try to get into it. You buy the jersey. And he just starts imitating a flop and all over the place. But I will say this. I do really, really enjoy the sport now. And I do see the beauty and the skill and all of that shit now. Like, you know, I'm not 100% the stupid yank making front of the world's most popular sport.

And it isn't all faking because I saw Mo Salah a couple of times on a breakaway. That's what they call it in hockey. I don't know what the fuck they call it in your football over there. But like he's, you know, in the clear and this guy just runs up behind him and just sticks his leg out and dragged his cleat down the back of his fucking calf. But what was funny, because he was on the breakaway, Mo shook it off and then kicked it in the net. But if he was anywhere else, he would have collapsed on the field like he got shot. Although, you know, having said all that, I would not want somebody to do that to me. So it's not all faking. So I'm in Liverpool in the 26 and the 27th, 28th, I'm in Glasgow. And then the 29th, I'm off. And then the first and second, I'm in Birmingham and then Manchester, legendary Manchester. And then we're, oh, and then I have two days off. What the fuck that I got two days off and then I I'm at Royal Albert Hall on the fourth and fifth taping my next standup special. And you know what, I was watching all these clips on Steven Brodie Stevens, and I came across, I went to his Instagram and all of that stuff. And I was watching, I don't know, somehow I ended up coming across this quote that Zach Alaphanakis had that I'm really going to take to heart because I've been just working my fucking ass off. And it was basically saying, you know, don't feel like you have to be, you know, working all the fucking time.

I can't paraphrase he said it perfectly, of course, but I kind of took it to heart like you know what what if I just fucking chilled out for a couple of weeks. And I got that German Irish thing where you just go until one day you fucking like oh what's that pain in my chest and then you just fall forward into your fucking mushy peas and then that's it. So I'm going to try to, I'm going to try to be around for a few I mean I don't know how long I can do it because there is a part of me that goes fucking nuts after four days of not doing standup. But I think I'm going to go a little bit easy here over the next couple months and rather than just run out because what I usually do is I immediately I'll take like two days off after I do a special and I really immediately get right back to the club and I try to get it going again. And I think this time what I'm going to do is actually take a little bit of time off from doing standup and rather than just trying to force a new hour. I'll go live a life that sort of writes the next hour, hopefully, hopefully that'll happen. Now watch you guys later on this year, you know, right after my special comes out it just saw him it's like half the same jokes. It's fucking freckled, cunt sucks.

All right, so there's 23 minutes. I don't have the advertising reads yet, so I'm going to finish this one tomorrow when I'm overseas. Once again, I'm absolutely heartbroken that such a special person like Steven is no longer with us, but I am like so inspired by the life that he lived. And so happy to have known him only a little bit as little as I knew him and that I actually got to see him. And I don't know, man, it's I don't it's the weirdest feeling I've ever had after somebody had known that's died where it's just like he just that there's even like a happiness I have. Just, I mean, you know what it was, I think, because I just looked at his life and saw the effect that he had on people, you know, and he just kind of think like, yeah, man, he got it. He got it, you know, he was a, yeah, just an unbelievably positive, positive force. And the lesson I learned when Patrice died is that, you know, you don't own these people, they're just gifts that you get.

And you don't get to decide when they go and that's sort of the cruel thing that you continue to learn. But I don't know, looking at his body of work, you know, I know personally I'm going to try to be a little bit less of a content, try to live up to the high standard that that he set. All right. Okay. And with that, I'll read some advertising here from London and with the magic of editing, this will only be a half a second delay. Okay, and through the magic of editing, I am now in Liverpool, England. That only took half a second through the wonderful world of editing. Jesus Christ.

Oh God. So I'm in Liverpool now the driver was going, you know, he can go see where the Beatles fucking did all their first shows. Which I really think that's got to be like the cheers of Liverpool. I'm just going to walk in there. Yep. Right over there. Right over there with where they're not right now. That's where they were.

I don't know. I'm just, I don't have a show tonight. So I'm just sitting here trying to figure out the goddamn heating system here, which I can't figure out. I don't know how to turn it on. I pressed every fucking button and, you know, I brought a fucking adapter and whenever I bring a mixer, I always blow out my fucking mixer and, lo and behold, I plugged it in before I plugged it into the mixer. And I just heard the plug just goes like, now this is like, well, I just fried that fucking thing, even with the fucking adapter. I don't know how it happens.

It didn't fry my computer, but my computer has three prongs. The mixer only has two. Is that what the problem is? Somewhere in there, was it not grounded? Was there too much of a surge? Any electricians that can help me out? I have no fucking idea. But anyways, let's continue.

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That's Stamps.com enter Burr. All right, that's it. All right, let's talk about some shit here. All right, so I did some more sets in New York. I had great sets Thursday night and then Friday and Saturday I had like those sort of typical New York sets where, you know, I don't know. It's just the, I don't know what, I don't get it. I don't get it. I was up there making fun of women and then this woman in the crowd, white woman, of course, just goes, fuck you.

Right, so I just started making fun of her and she just goes, what? I had to do it. You know, like what she did was unbelievable and brave and all of that type of shit. And it's just like, you know, I don't know. If you just heard, it's just like these fucking white women who are acting like they're oppressed. It's like you're white. Okay, that's my joke. It's like you're in the jacuzzi with me.

Stop this. Stop it. This fucking whining all the fucking time. Like, like you're really this oppressed minority. You know, you could tell how oppressed she was by the level of passion she had when she was yelling. She's like, hey, fuck you had to say like no passion, no fire, no pain, whatever. I don't know. And all it's doing is just causing me to say more ignorant shit that I wouldn't be saying if they weren't fucking acting that way.

So just hats. It's just a really weird. I don't know. Somebody actually wrote me a letter talking about the Caroline show, which I mean, I had a good time. By no means was it a smooth show said, hey, old Billy, thanks for coming out and putting on a great show at Caroline's. You were absolutely hilarious. I listened to your podcast and after agree with you. The crowd wasn't typical New York.

I'm born and raised New Yorker and noticed a ton of what I'm sure were hipster transplant. I don't. I think they're just younger people now. And I just think it's a product of being on social media and seeing everybody getting in trouble. Maybe that's what it is. Because one of the times I was doing a show and this guy was like laughing, but he wouldn't look at me and he was almost like looking down and then looking across at his friend. Like, like he wanted to laugh, but he was afraid to. I don't know.

It's strange that he goes a couple of people even kept looking over at me for laughing so much. Just want you to know that us natives and longtime New Yorkers really appreciated and thoroughly enjoyed your show. I hope you weren't too put off because I look forward to seeing you perform here again soon. Oh, yeah. I mean, I'm not going to fucking quit coming to New York. I just I'm having a difficult time trying to figure out what exactly it is that I'm doing. I feel like a three year comic when I go to New York. I don't know, but it is what it is.

You know, it's dictated by the young, not the old. So they are setting the tone and I guess I have to figure out how to adjust to it. Oh, an old Robert Kraft. Robert Kraft getting all this shit for I don't know what, you know, the man simply was trying to buy a strip mall and he just went over there and he was checking out some of the stores. What is the problem? I think it's such fucking bull. That's just because he's famous. I was talking to this cop.

He goes, anytime we bust a Rubin Tug, he goes, you're trying to get the people that run it. You don't get the Johns. You just scare him and you let him go. But all of a sudden he's a famous guy. So now it's just like this big deal, you know, and everybody's just like, why if you're Robert Kraft do you need to go to a Rubin Tug? And I would say that's because that's how annoying it is to have a woman in your life. If you can just get what you want without all the fucking bitch moaning and complaining. Well, I don't know why he went if he did.

I mean, it's all fucking alleged anyways, you know, it did happen in Florida. So I mean, we've been beaten up in the dolphins for so long. I'm sure that's why they didn't fucking let him go. But it's great that it happens because it gives people, you know, who hate Boston because they won all these fucking championships. My favorite thing is when they talk about all the championships that they've won and like people bring up like the Eagles or the Giants. And it's just like, dude, they went six and three. I mean, you're not going to win all of them. I will take those three losses all day long to win six Super Bowls all fucking day long all day long.

I'll take the 86 year fucking curse of the babe to come back down three games to none. And do what they've been doing. I mean, it's like it's yet it's the pain that makes it great. So anyways, anyway, to say it properly. Let me read a few more of these. This podcast might be a little bit short because I'm beyond jet lagged. And thank God I don't have a show tonight, but now I'm like wide awake because I came here and I couldn't sleep on the plane. I watched two movies that I really enjoyed.

I watched white boy Rick. I got to give a shout out to that. I mean, Matthew McConaughey is always great. He's always great. But the two people that played his kids white boy Rick movie. Let's see here. I just thought the acting was was superb in that movie. Really, really good movie.

And then I also saw, I'll not be able to figure out this IMDB. I also saw the Freddie Mercury movie. Bohemian Rhapsody. All right, Richie Merritt fucking killed it and then Belle Pauley, both of them were fucking amazing. Really good movie. Well, these are also airplane reviews. But I still think it was, you know, whenever you're on an airplane, Judea Freeland, you just always say that when you're on a movie, every fucking movie is good. But these are actually really good movies.

And then I also saw that Bohemian Rhapsody. Bohemian Rhapsody. And you know, it was the funniest part of that movie for me. When I saw the original reviews of Bohemian Rhapsody, it's how I feel about that song today. I don't know if it's just overplayed, but that song drives me up the wall. I see a little silhouette of a man. No, no, no, no, no, no. It's like, oh my God, I get it.

You could sing, Jesus Christ. I'm on a fucking through line of a thought here. But I really liked, I liked that movie. And I was, I was in the air and missed all the, all the Oscar stuff. But, you know, I thought it was hilarious that Spike Lee was upset. It's just funny to me when adults get mad that they don't win a fucking trophy. You know, it's just like, why, why do you give a shit? Didn't you see how, how they treated Martin Scorsese?

How long did he have to wait before he fucking, before he did fucking, before he finally got Best Director? When they finally gave it for him, it wasn't, it wasn't even his best one. It should have been for the other ones. It's like, that's what's going to happen to you. You know, they fucked Denzel on Hurricane and then give him for the, for that fucking King Kong. They're always like a movie or two late. You know, I don't, I don't know why, I don't know why, why would you waste your time getting that fucking,

I don't know, upset. I did like that he was dressed like Prince's grandfather though. Anyways, anyway, and most of those other movies I didn't see. I didn't see, so, I don't know, what are you going to do? Alright, the next thing I got here, somebody of course giving me shit for saying I felt bad for Jussie Smollett. I just felt bad as far as like, oh my God, he's got to feel like the biggest fucking asshole ever. And this guy of course gets all passionate about it. Because why would you get passionate about the corporations that dictate our foreign policy

and have literally bankrupted this country when you can get mad at an actor that got 100% busted for what he did and nobody got hurt. Other than him, he totally destroyed his career. He said, you feel sorry for him? You hope whose career rebounds? The guy who was willing to let two innocent people rot in jail? I don't think he thought they were going to get caught considering he was acting like it was two white people. I think what was supposed to happen was they were supposed to sort of semi-beat him up.

He was supposed to blame it on fucking white people and like the two guys who did it, is that what you're saying? The guy was trying to cause even more racial division and anger in this country? He didn't increase it or decrease it. It wouldn't have, it just would have just been another fucking story that lasted for three days. It is where it is and will remain that way until people grow the fuck up. The guy who terrorized his coworkers by sending fake hate mail with mysterious white powder in it to his place of work? Pull your head out of your ass, burr. Alright, maybe I was wrong about that.

I thought it'd be more of a unique take other than to say, you just said what everybody else said. Congratulations, sir. You know what I still feel sorry for is you who does not have an original fucking, I think what everybody else thinks. Oh, that's entertaining. I mean, if I just did that, I could just be that big headed fucking lady. Who's that lady who does that show and she turns her head to the side like Jim Rome? You know, she gets all mad about cases, about people who you've been just horrific things have happened to them. But if horrific things didn't happen to them, then she wouldn't have a mansion.

So the whole show is kind of a weird thing to watch. Yeah, it might as well be her. She looks like the cousin of that woman who had the slave themed wedding who used to do the cooking show on the fucking food network. Whatever her fucking name is. Jesus, you guys think I'm in a bad mood. Watch that person show. Always with the scowl on their face. She looks like that fucking monster and the fuck is it the Bugs Bunny, you know, monsters have such interesting life. So whatever you used to say when Bugs Bunny was doing the things here, the no armed fucking monster, right?

Anyways, sorry, this is all jet lag fucking horseshit. The fuck am I talking about here? Yeah, anytime I see somebody just completely fucked their life up on some level, human being the human being. I just I just feel bad like, God, what did you do? You know, I don't condone it and think they should and I definitely think they should be punished. I don't know why I always look at that. Like look at that fucking Bernie Madoff guy. I just can't imagine just I guess I'm looking at it like the person actually has empathy for other people.

Maybe they don't. I'm putting myself into that situation where I would be going like, God, just every day everybody's smiling. You're the greatest bill. Thanks for making me all this money. And I got to be like, thank you. Not to say that I haven't been a piece of shit in my life. Well, maybe that's one of this because I've been a piece of shit. So I don't know. Hey, excuse me for fucking feeling bad for an actor who made it and then fuck the whole thing up. That is got to be the most bizarre way ever to try and get a raise.

But I still don't think that that's why he was doing it. I think he had like some sort of victim fantasy or something like that. I think it was more that I don't think that that's how you get a raise. And I don't see if he really thinks that that's the way it was the was a way to get a raise. Like there was the whole fucking thing was so crazy. I feel like there's something about him that he's not all there. And now you just making fun of somebody that has some sort of mental issue. I don't know.

Or he's like the world's dumbest criminal. Maybe that's what it is. I don't know. But you know what, sir, I will try to pull my head out of my ass and have your thoughts, which is what everybody else thinks. And that'll be an entertaining podcast. Welcome to what everybody else thinks. I'm your host, Bill Burr, the new Green Deal.

Sir, did you get this mad that the first mammal went extinct due to human induced global warming? Did you have that level of passion for it? All right, the new Green Deal. Yo, Billy Planet Puss. I'm into saving the environment and I've been abstaining from plastic bags and straws and buying the new iPhone every year for most of my life. But I'm starting to question the narrative of certain things. Okay. You talked about AOC.

I don't know what that is. The young congresswoman with big ambitions. Wasn't sure if you heard this, but in the New York Green Deal, she's pushing there was a line item supporting those who are not able to work and those who are not willing. Granted, this isn't likely to happen. I think it's insane to suggest that someone should get a check for sitting around on their ass. My question is, if the U.S. government decided to do this and Civil War was pending, would you leave the country or refuse to pay taxes? Jesus Christ, you went fucking vertical on that last line. I mean, if the U.S. government decided to do it, what the fuck could I do about it?

I mean, I guess I would essentially work for free. I don't know, but it's what's killing me is is we we have the money to not with all the money that we pay in taxes. If we would get out of these fucking wars, which are going nowhere and have just bankrupted us and made a very few amount of people in this country super fucking rich. You wouldn't have to then in like this person is now coming along and going after people and she's not she's not going to be able to get all of those super rich people do not have their money in this country. I saw this fascinating thing. I talked about this before how they they get it out of the country. You know, their corporation set up a phony corporation in one of these fucking islands and all the money goes there and then they're an employee of that corporation. And then they set up another corporation in a different island, different company. And then that corporation builds the first one and then there's another one in another country and that one builds this one and they just keep moving all of the money throughout these islands.

All these key is is it's different countries. So with each country, the IRS, I guess the amount of red tape they have to go through and at each stop, the corporation air quote corporation pays off somebody locally. So it does cost them money to do that, but not nearly as much as what they would pay in the United States. And then when they get to like the seventh or eighth fucking place, that corporation then gives the person in the United States who doesn't want to pay taxes, gives them a loan, gives them the money back in the form of a loan, which isn't taxable. And then they just never pay it back and the corporation quote forgives the loan. So the taxes that that person paid was paying off people in each one of those countries before it came back, which is very sophisticated. And I don't know, that's how they fucking do it. Now this woman is not going to get those people what she's going to do is get, like I said, stand up comedians that are suddenly selling tickets.

She's going to get kids out of college that, you know, created movement watches or started an app. She's going to basically be going after and taxing the shit out of what makes this country great. The fact that you can come from nothing and you can get to the absolute heights, you know, depending on how hard you work, your idea and your luck, anyone can make it. She's going to be going after that and completely ignoring these corporations that have bankrupted this fucking country, polluted the fucking drinking water, turned up our food supply into poison, had made millions and billions of dollars in pharmaceutical, pharmaceutical industry and with all these people overdosing and all these families that are ripped apart. Then she's not going to go after any of those fucking people. She's just going to get someone like me who's just a fucking individual. That's it. You saw what happened when Trump tried to pull the troops out of Syria.

You saw how both fucking Democrats and Republicans were like, whoa, they would. That's where their bread is buttered by keeping those corporations making all that money on that fucking war, on those fucking wars. And then when they're done, they then get to go around and give speeches and that's how they wash their fucking bribe money. And you watch this woman for all these big ideas she has, she's going to come out the other side. She's going to be a multi, multi, multi, multi fucking millionaire. She's going to have a fucking book deal. She's going to be on TV. She's going to go on the talk show circuit and everybody's going to just sit there and talk about what a fucking inspiration she is.

And, you know, it's just it's all bullshit. And then meanwhile, you know, anybody who fucking when I had the balls to go after a dream and sleep on a futon until they were like 38 and started making some money is going to be paying 70% taxes. I guess that that's that's the solution to it. I don't know. I don't know. I doesn't seem like, you know, I know a lot of fucking people that if you just gave them a check every month would just sit on their fucking ass and play video games. Just because there's changing technology, you have to fucking join it, learn how to fucking fix a robot's ACL or some shit, you know what I mean? Like I'm sure there's a bunch of mechanics out there right now. If you're smart, you start to learn how to fix a an electric vehicle rather than sticking with gas combustion engines, kind of trying to keep yourself ahead of the fucking game. That's what you have to do. You got to fucking adjust, right?

I don't think the solution is to turn around. You know, if I was running shit to take more than 50% income tax off of anybody, regardless of whether how much money they're making should be fucking criminal. There's no way the person who did the job should make less money than the person taxing you. I don't know. That's just my my fucking opinion. What the hell do I know? I imagine some will tell me I need to take my head out of my ass. But I would imagine if we, you know, converted to fucking solar power and electric cars and all of that, we would take a massive, massive bite out of the Middle East. And all of those people that fund these fucking terrorist groups and two things. They wouldn't have the money to be any sort of a threat to us. We wouldn't be fucking over there.

And eventually they would just go back to fighting each other the same way they fucking did in Eastern Europe when Russia pulled out. They went right back to picking up their fights. They were like, where were we? And they went right back to fucking killing each other. So I don't know. I know I'm oversimplifying all of this shit. But I would think because we're their biggest customer that if we pulled out of there that would massively hurt any sort of terrorist group's ability to try and go after us. You know, I don't know. The fuck do I know? Why do you guys ask me such deep questions?

You know, I don't fucking read the paper, right? Long time Aussie lady listener. Good day, Bill. Long time listener. Here from Melbourne, Australia who would love to hear your take on my situation. All right. Well, did you realize you have to listen to my bad Aussie accent there? I'm in the second half of my 20s. Out here we call that your late 20s. I work in a TV job I love.

I'm independent, have great friends and enough hobbies slash personal interests to keep me busy and entertained in everyday life. I've been told I'm a catch. But it ain't all rainbows and sunshine. Not only am I single but by my cynicism. By my cynicism has become so powerful that it's compromising my ability to date or trust. I think you want to say but my cynicism. A bit of a background here. Years ago I was in a long term relationship with ended in heartache for me.

And since then I've been through a sequence of disappointing dating experiences which has left me more lonely and unlovable each time. People have named me good luck Chuck because whenever I get involved with anybody they settle down with the next person they come across. I fear I'm becoming an angry person. Men seem to think I'm more of a good time than a long time or a good answer for boredom. I also seem to attract men in relationships or worse married. But how can I become less of a cynic? The reality is that some people just don't end up finding someone. Not with that attitude.

They go through life falling in love alone or not at all. My mother has been single for 10 years and doesn't intend on changing that. Do you think some people are meant to be alone? Was there ever a point in your life where you thought you'd end up alone? Cheers and go fuck yourself. Absolutely I did and I went through the same shit that you're going through. Yeah and I had, you know, women I dated and then I fucked it up and then they would go on the next guy they'd marry him. Yeah I had that happen a couple of times.

And then I dated, you know, I went through a while, I thought women were psychos. And then I just realized that what I was doing was I kept going after roughly the same kind of person. I kept fishing in the same poison pond, if you will. I think you just need to get a little therapy and become a little more positive. And obviously if somebody's married in a relationship you shouldn't, you know, I think that should be one of your first fucking questions. And there has to be something that you're doing. And I'm saying this as a way, as a positive thing.

That if that's what you're attracting there has to be something that you're doing. That can only happen so many times before you've got to be figuring out what the fuck am I doing. That's what I did with psycho women. And I was just like, you know, you look at chicks and psychos and then after a while, once you date like the third, fourth, fifth one in a row, you're like, all right, what am I doing? Oh, I'm deliberately going after these people because I'm afraid to commit. And then when they break up with me there's no fucking heartache because they're out of their fucking mind. So I think some people were meant to be alone but it doesn't sound like you are.

If you were meant to be alone you would be way more okay with it than you are. It doesn't just seem like you're looking at the herd and it's making you question yourself. You sound like you want to find love. So what I would do is take some of your TV money and I would get a good therapist and I would do some work on yourself and start fishing in a different pond. How about that? Did I oversimplify what was going on? I probably did. Anyways, anyway, I'm just going to keep saying anyways. I think that's one of my charms that I don't have command of my own language.

All right, that is the podcast. Geez, we got fucking deep on this one, huh? The passing of Stephen Brody Stevens, how to solve the fucking Middle East problem, the audacity to be doing that. And I don't know what else. Look at this, Keith Robinson just texted me, he's like, ha ha, looks like Robert Kraft won't be going to the White House this year. Oh yeah, I guess he'll go cry with his six fucking trophies. Not to mention, I don't know, I've never had this experience before that my team's the team that wins everything. Was it always this fucking petty? That's all they do, just come up with petty shit.

I guess he won't be fucking dead. That's like, okay. Yeah, I guess we'll just have to fucking cry on my trophies and move on. They're not taking the team away. Who gives a shit? And not only that, it's fucking, it's Donald Trump. He was probably the driver in the getaway car from the Rubin Tug. Did you grab him by the pussies? Anyways, alright, anyway, that is the podcast.

Congratulations to everybody out there that won the shiny things. My condolences for those who didn't. I hope people who watch movies and were offended by them can somehow move past it and find a reason to get up in the morning tomorrow. People, it's a fucking award show. I mean, don't they fuck it up in your business too? Top salesman, and everybody's sitting there, this fucking goddamn brown noser, he's banging the fucking boss's daughter, he's getting married to her, that's why he fucking won it. You know, there's always that shit, there's always going to be that shit. You know, could you fucking cry and...

Tell me, what's what a fucking great country this is? You know, it's such a great country, people complain about the movies. I didn't like the way it made people with red shirts look. Poo-hoo! Meanwhile, there's fucking polar bears, fucking drowning. Add another flat screen to your fucking TV room so you can fucking watch the Oscars and cry about it. Alright, I'm off my fucking soapbox. Here we go, I'm in the bubble, everybody. I am in the bubble. This time next week, what is it going to be?

Monday, I'm going to be doing my first taping, and then the next day I'll do my next taping, and then we'll be putting this hour and 30 minutes to fucking bed. I can't wait, I'm very excited, I miss my daughter and wife terribly, and I'm really going to take it easy this year. I really am, I'm talking to my agent, I'm going to be the California kid, I'm doing gigs out in fucking Cali, I'm just going to stay in the Southwest. I'm going to fly, if I can't fly Southwest to the gig in under 50 minutes, I'm not fucking doing it, and I'm just going to fucking chill. I got an acting gig this summer that I'm bringing my wife and kid along to, and I'm just going to live some life and let this thing come together. Oh my god, my wife sent me this video, my kids singing the ABCs, and I do this thing, I don't know if I've probably already told you this shit, so fucking jet lag, but I do this thing the way I sing the ABCs, I go A-B-C-D-E-F-G-H-I-J-K-E-L-M-N-O-P-A, you know, I'm bouncing her up and down, she just laughs and all that stuff, so now she can do the ABCs and she throws the haze in there. She's like, Q-O-S, hey, T-U-V, hey.

It's the cutest fucking thing ever, and it's all that matters in life, and then you fucking put on the TV and you watch adults fucking whining because they didn't get the star in their forehead. Fuck, you're making movies, you're a millionaire, you're banging beautiful women, you know, what the fuck else do you need? I wanted the shiny thing. I'd like to thank the Academy. Fucking half the people in the world trying to just get a fucking sandwich, boo-hoo, I didn't get a trophy. I will never fucking understand that. But then again, I do watch sports and I get excited that my team wins trophies, and I'm about ready to fucking trash Keith Robinson and his sorry ass fucking cowboys who the Patriots just passed for more Super Bowl titles. We've won more Super Bowl titles, what am I going to say to him?

We've won more Super Bowl titles in the last two decades than the Cowboys have won in their entire fucking history. Tom Brady has more rings than all the Dallas Cowboy quarterbacks combined. Oh, do I have some ammo? And I have to take advantage of it now because I know when Tom leaves and Bill Belichick retires, you know, I have faith in like the fucking... But I have to say, wait, Robert Kraft, right? Simply trying to buy a strip mall and checking out the stores, that fucking guy, arguably the greatest owner of all time when you look at his coaching hires. He's hired three coaches, Bill Parsels, fucking, what's his name there? Woo! I just totally forgot his fucking name. Pete Carroll, Bill Belichick. Three for fucking three, Hall of Fame.

That's two Super Bowl, three Super Bowl, nine Super Bowls amongst all of them. Amazing. All right, that's it. That's the podcast. Go fuck yourselves and I will talk to you. I'll check in on you in a couple of days. I don't know where I'm going to be, but I got Liverpool the next couple of nights and very excited to be here. I've never been here and as much as I was making fun of all that Beatles shit, I'm definitely going to go look at it. You know, I'm not going to go to the pub where they fucking started. Of course I'm going to go. I don't think I'm going to go to all their fucking houses. Roy, this is where Ringo was sleeping. How the fuck do I know that? All right, I'll see you. BNB Premium Selection. Trust your instinct. Follow your standard.

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