Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 2-26-24

Episode Date: February 26, 2024

Bill rambles about his shows in the Pacific Northwest, weight-loss drugs, and having a 'go-bag'. New Dates Added!  www.BillBurr.com/TOUR  

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, Monday, February 26, 2020. What's going on? How are ya? How ya, I almost said how ya all doing? How ya all doing? How's it going out there for you, man? 29 days this February this year. It's a leap year. It's a leap year. An extra day to pay your rent. Extra day of Black History Month, see that? Once every four years, white people, we do do something for black people.

Anyway, I am back from the road. Why do they do the leap year thing? What exactly is that? Does it have to do with the fucking earth going around the sun to make it fucking line up? Does it have to do with the Greek, ancient, Roman, Chinese New Year? Is that what it has? Well, actually, you know, the world isn't round anymore. It's wow.

You know, I'm fucking still off Instagram. I'm loving it. End of the day. I just go in. I answer my fucking DMs from friends and then I get the fuck off it. I'm kind of lying. I will watch three or four and I go don't do it. Don't do it. And I get off. I get off. I get off. So what are you even filling your time with, Bill? Nothing really. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Lot of stretching.

Lot of stretching. The older you get, the more stretching you have to do. Like you ever see these fuck, there's always, once a year for some reason, there'll be a video of some old lady that can still fucking put her legs behind her ears. And you know, when you look at that and you just go, God, she must have been such a whore

in the 30s, right? Now you look at it and you get inspired. She never stopped stretching. She never stopped working out. She never stopped fucking, to be honest, right? You know, we don't stretch for you guys. We're doing it for ourselves. Oh, go fucking watch Barbie again. Nobody cares.

That's what I do. I speak for everybody when I don't give a fuck. Yeah, when I was on Instagram for like two seconds or something, there was some lady on the floor, it was some Walmart video, somebody sent me showing all these fucking shit shows, walking into Walmart and you know, I never know how to feel about that. Like when I see all these fucked up looking people going into Walmart, my initial feeling is you know, how much are rich people

taking that people have to live this way? Look how fucking uneducated they are and da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da

da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da like it keeps the weak alive. That's the dark thought. And then the overall thought that I don't understand is why God makes dumb people. I don't understand that. Why does he make dumb

people that are easily misled and then simultaneously he makes evil people, right? You basically have the devils and then the people that listen to him. That's kind of like what you have. The dummies, devils and the dummies. And everybody else is sitting in the middle like what in the fuck is going on right now? What are people talking about? What is this direction that we're going in?

I'm really trying to think of a time in history when just people in the middle, right? And I don't mean like like centrists, as stupid as fucking liberals who label everything, call them. I mean like people, you know, you're on the left, but you're not crazy on the left, you know what I mean? Like I'm on the left, but I'm like, yeah, you want a gun, I get it. I get it, it'd be nice if you learned how to use it. You know? I mean, this really should be, like you should be like a borderline fucking marksman if you own a gun, shouldn't you?

I mean, that's what I would think. But then I just look at it, it's like, I remember I took the motorcycle safety course It was two fucking days and they're like, all right. Good luck. Get out there, buddy Keep your head on a swivel You know what I mean you go down I mean out here because I took the gun safety What I what you're gonna call it there when I was gonna got by a gun I had a man, you know

Study up on some shit. I mean, it was like a 25 page pamphlet. And then you can go out and buy a gun and you can fucking, you can fucking blow somebody away if they come in your house, America, right? I mean, that's, I mean, part of me was happy that it was so easy,, you know, I'm a typical human being.

I don't want to think. I don't want it to be hard, make it easy. It should, it should be more difficult. I would think, you know what I mean? There's a few things. Be funny if everything was a little more difficult. You know what I mean? If you go into like guitar center and you want to buy an instrument and they go, God,

just sing a song for me right now. Like, I don't want to do that. Come on. Let's see if he can carry a tune. We're going to sell this to you. But like, if you're just completely fucking tone deaf, this is just a waste of wood. Some tree died. We're not selling this to you.

Okay. You can't, you can't you know Son, I'll come out tomorrow. Get the fuck out of here Get out of the store Alright, there's a limited Amount of trees on the planet. We cannot give you a fucking acoustic guitar get out of here or an electric one Or a woodwind instrument get the fuck out of this store. That'd be fantastic. Why would it be fantastic? Why would I want to make my life difficult? I'm sitting here arrogantly acting like I would pass all of these tests. These are just ideas people.

These are just ideas. I was talking to, as a liberal, I was on stage this weekend, moderate liberal. Meaning, I don't give a shit about most things that psycho liberals do. And I also like conservatives do not bother me at all. I like a lot of the things that they think about but psycho conservatives You know when they disappear into Jesus and racism and all of that shit You know whenever they say that The white mate white people are the superior race They should immediately to cut cut to footage of people doing the tomahawk chop white people Without like literally I will never get over that being at the Super Bowl.

I just really looked into that. It's like, there is not a thought in their fucking head. They don't even know why they're doing it. They're just doing it because other people are doing it. Why are we doing this? I don't know. What does it mean? I don't know.

Means go chiefs. What does it mean in the bigger picture? Oh, I don't know. Means go chiefs. What does it mean in the bigger picture? Oh, I don't care. All right. Not to say that there's not fucking mouth, breathing morons in all races. There are. God makes a lot of fucking stupid people.

And that's why you have wars, right? That's what you got out there. Oh, Jesus fucking. Oh, Billy, big time. Goes to three cities this weekend and all of a sudden he thinks he understands humanity. Well, I mean, that's how it works. That is how it works. You know, um, all right. Plowing ahead here. I had, uh, like three of the best shows of my career this weekend. I was in Portland, Oregon, Vancouver, British Columbia,

and I was in, uh,, Vancouver, British Columbia, and I was in Salt Lake City, Utah, and each show just kept getting better and better, and I'm getting really excited. I will, not, I'm not gonna lie to you, I feel like I have about two hours of material right now, so kind of getting lost, like if I do a special this year, what I'm gonna put on it, and then I'm thinking, well, that's good, I got an extra hour an extra hour but it's like well what hour did you do the last time you went to fucking Cleveland you know I'll run into that because I'm a big believer in just doing the jokes that that you're excited about and if some fall through the cracks then that's what the fuck happens but anyway I started the two up in Portland, Oregon, which a lot of

people make fun of that city, myself included, but this, that's a fucking great city. That really is a great city with a great history and all of these great, just like individual business owners up there that are just crushing it. And I wanted to make sure that I gave a shout out. A couple of leather places up there. I was with Dean Delray, so you're going to end up in some shop that makes leather. So there's a place up there called Ship Johns that just makes incredible from hand jackets belts. He gave me a guitar pick holder that folded

over and buttoned it was the shape of a guitar pick. You could stick like probably like 10 picks in there and add a little loop on it to stick on your key chain. It's hilarious I I can barely play guitar, you know, and just think about that. If guitar center actually had a test, I would have been at ship John's going like, well, you know what, uh, I can't accept that. Why not? I didn't pass the test. Guitar center. I already know who I'm, I'm probably going to give it to somebody. I got a buddy of mine

who's an unbelievable guitar player and I'm thinking like this is something that nobody has and I'm not gonna put like that on my keychain. I don't play guitar. I play drums, you know, I fuck around the guitar. I have a good time with it though. I've been playing a lot lately. I just like if I could just play the Malcolm shit in AC DC, I would be happy. That's my goals. If I could just play the Malcolm shit in AC DC, I would be happy. That's my goals. There's also down the street, this place Langlitz Leathers. That also makes leather jackets.

And I've been looking for one for my son or daughter forever. And no one makes, you know, my son's only like three and a half years old. And I walked in and there it was. And I didn't even ask the price. I'm like, I'm buying that. I want that. Can I have that? The guy goes, yeah. I go, that's not on hold.

Nope. He hooked me up with it. And what else? What else did I go to there? Oh my God, one of the best drum shops in the United States of them. This is all in Portland, Oregon. And then there's like a million great places to get coffee

and food and all of that stuff. Listen, don't let those fucking freak show white people walking down the fucking street. This is all in Portland, Oregon. And then there's like a million great places to get coffee and food and all of that stuff. Listen, don't let those fucking freak show white people walking down the fucking street, you know what I mean? But you're looking at them going like, oh my God, you can drive right past them, you know? You don't have to get in a car and fucking drive across the country with them.

I mean, that would be, oh my God, just listening to their views. It's like, can we talk about something else other than fucking public bathrooms? Anyway, Revival Drum Shop and my great friend and unbelievable teacher, Davey, which happened to be in town, and he took me by there and I met the owners. They were so fucking cool and we sat down, we played some drums together and it's one of those things like if I lived in Oregon, that's the place where I would go.

You know, out here, it's in the LA, there's a place pro drum shop that is just, that's the place to go to out here. And Oregon Revival Drum Shop is just fucking incredible. All these, oh my God, I just sat down and played them. They had a lot of Ludwigs in there. I took some videos. I got a selfie or whatever that I'm gonna put up. Eventually gonna post there,

but I just had the best time. They treated me great. You know, I bought some t-shirts and some stickers for my kids and stuff and we had a great time and here's the last thing. Oh, wait, I didn't even say goucho steakhouse. Second time I've been there, unbelievable steak, cigar room in the back, you know, and as much as I say I'm not smoking, I'm gonna fucking not smoke a cigar in a steakhouse,

right? Whatever, I had one. I had one last week. Jesus Christ, can a man fucking live here? And then, so for the longest time, I've always known that the Portland Trailblazers in 1976 with Bill Walton, big red, 25 years old, he had the bandana, the long hair, clearly smoking weed, following the dead. But in the meantime, he went out and won an NBA championship and it was all about him. They always talk about him, they always show the picture, he was on the cover. And I'm like, wait a minute, who the fuck was on this team? So I start reading about the 1977 NBA NBA finals. First of all, they played the Philadelphia 76ers with 27 year old Dr. J and 20 year old Darrell Dawkins, Rest His Soul, right? They had all of these stars, Caldwell

Jones and all of them and they just brought that ABA above the rims, street ball to the NBA, and just was literally, the ABA and all of that stuff is what the NBA now is with everybody just, you know, I don't know, back in the day, used to elevate and you dunk on somebody that was trying to fucking knee in the nuts or fucking elbow, you know, like nobody's allowed to stand under the fucking rim

And you dunk on nobody And then scream like you you dunked on somebody. I don't know. I don't get it They used to dunk on people back in the day and they didn't say anything. They just dunked on you They'd look at you that was it, but they didn't go Whatever the fuck they do now now they dunk on nobody and then they scream Are they screaming comes there lonely like is it an intimidation thing or is it because there's nobody to dunk on nobody and then they scream. Are they screaming, comes there lonely? Is it an intimidation thing or is it because there's nobody to dunk on?

They feel like that chick that was in the bottom of the well that crawled out, right? Anyway, so I read up on this series, the Philadelphia 76ers went up two games to none. All right, and in game two, which the Sixers won in Philadelphia, 20 year old Darryl Dawkins jumped up, ripped down a rebound and his,

he got his arms hooked up with this guy, Bob Gross. He threw the guy to the ground. I guess the dude said something to him and Dale ran at him and punched him, you know, in the face, gave him a quick jab and then he backed up. You know, basketball players fight, right? They punch and fucking start fucking backpedaling down the court like they're trying to cover Randy Moss back in the day. So he starts doing that and then Maurice Lucas, rest his soul, AKA the enforcer, classic enforcer, kicked the shit out of anybody on the court,

off the court, teddy bear, right? Comes flying in and just punches Darrell Dawkins right in the back of the fucking head. I can't believe he didn't knock him out. Darrell turns around, squares off, wanted no part of him. I can't believe you didn't knock him out. Darrell turns around, squares off, wanted no part of him. All right, the fucking sixers still won that game. This is why it was a man's game back then.

Guess who played game three? Darrell Dawkins, Bob Gross, and Maurice Lucas. They probably finished game two. There was like, I don't know, maybe they got kicked out of that game. I don't know what happened, right? So, that turned the series around and it wasn't even the fight. It was before game three, they're back in Portland, and Maurice Lucas famously, I kind of got, like I never even heard about it.

He walked up and right before game three, he just walked up and shook Darrell Dawkins hands and it kind of diffused the whole thing and they were like what the fuck they I don't know I don't know what happened I have to go back and I got to go on YouTube one night when I'm on the road and if anybody has a link I want to watch some of these like I would love to watch whatever footage there is of the 77, 78, 79 NBA finals. 1980, I kind of know a little bit of about. That was another time the Sixers went to the finals

and Dr. Jay had that amazing jumping up in the air, went out of bounds, went underneath baseline, out of bounds, underneath, and then fucking that amazing reverse layup. Karim was in there, I don't know who else was in there, but I think it was Magic Johnson's rookie year. It was an incredible time. And then of course the 83-6ers, they finally won it.

And I would put the 83-6ers up against 96 balls, I would. And anyway, amazing story. I didn't know anything about that. And World B Free was on that team too. The Portland Trailblazers, but that's something I got to look out for. I need to read up on that again. And that was just a fun time in the league. You know what I mean?

Guys had fucking, you know, they had the Afros, white guys had the long stoner hair. I mean, it was just fucking, that post-Vietnam fucking era in America was pretty fucking cool. So anyway, the next night I go up to Vancouver, had a great show by the way, amazing crowd in Portland. And I don't know, I gotta be honest with you,

reading that whole story on the 77 Portland Trailblazers kind of makes me like, now I'm like, fuck, now I got a kind of roof for these guys, you know, unless they're playing my Celtics, but I mean, I mean, that's just a great fucking story. That's just a great story. Now, that would have been like, oh, what does this say?

What kind of role model are these for the kids? And ESPN would be going on and on and on and on and on and on and all these fucking people on these sports talk shows would be going on and on and on and on. And it's just stupid. They're just trying to talk about it to get listeners and they're acting like they give a fuck.

They don't, they actually love it. Who doesn't like a good fight in the middle of a fucking game to see that everybody gives a shit? And then it's, let them handle it themselves, all these fucking suspensions. By the way, did you guys see my buddy texting me about that fucking fight that six foot seven guy in the Rangers had with the other dude.

That's the way fights used to be in the NHL. Just grab a shoulder and start fucking hammering. And I'm just, I am so bad with the NHL. I'm so bad with everything now. Now that I got kids, I mean, I just don't have time to watch it the way I used to. I mean, I pay attention. I look at the standings and stuff, but like, I didn't know kid was in the league and I guess he's just beating the fuck out of people. And then the other guy, like he got his jersey over, six foot seven, he got it the jersey

over his head, he got his licks in. It's just a great fucking fight. But anyway, plowing ahead here. here. The next day we go up to Portland, Oregon and Portland, Oregon. We go up to Vancouver. It's all running together. We go to Vancouver. Vancouver is a really interesting city, you know, or the outskirts of it. It's just like, it looks like some of these houses that they have out there reminds me that, you know, the beginning scene of that movie, Big, when there reminds me that, you know, the beginning scene of that movie big when Tom Hanks is supposed to be like the eight year old Tom Hanks is riding his bicycle in that fucking neighborhood.

How about a movie that didn't come out fucking 15 decades ago? I'm sorry, I'm old. And then you get into this city and it's all of these glass tops. Like Vancouver literally looks like like Godzilla should be coming out of the water and just stepping on the, stepping on the buildings.

But from what I heard, you know, there's a lot of, a lot of money laundering going on in that city, New York city, a lot of those empty glass towers, I guess like in Vancouver they were saying like these Asian businessmen or whatever and they would come in and there would be like a new building going up and they would buy like 13 units. I don't mean like Canadians, Like I heard like overseas or whatever and they just, and then they would just wouldn't move in. So then they added like a 10% tax

and they still didn't give a fuck. I don't get how like that, how you wash your money doing that. I used to look that up like how, I understand if you have like a legitimate business, how you can wash dirty money because then you just claim that you made more money than you did, you pay taxes on it, you don't give a fuck, it's illegal money anyway,

and then it becomes legal money, and then you can put it in a bank. I don't get how like, you know, they talk about like, people are kind of thinking like some of these meekum auction things now, where these fucking trucks are going for, they're fucking trucks. I saw this thing the other day, there was a Cadillac.

They took a 59 Cadillac and combined the back end with a Chevy Nomad station wagon. It looks sick. And they go, it was fucking $2.1 million, is what they wanted for it. It was like, what? And they go, this is a $300,000 paint job. $300,000 is what that paint job was.

If I have a $300,000 paint job, I feel that if a fucking, if a dump truck backed up a whole pile of, a whole fucking load, a yard, whatever they call it, of gravel onto the hood, I had to be able to buff out any scratch with a dirty gym sock. If I'm paying 300 grand for a paint job, what is a $300,000 paint job? How many coats is that? All I know is the little that I know about the low rider scene out here in LA is the amount of coats of paint that are put on some

of those ones. You literally feel like it's water, like you can put your hand through it. And I know that that doesn't cost $300,000. I don't know. I don't get this. I was joking with the buddy of mine. It was $2.1 million.

I mean, it was fucking gorgeous. And it had like 600-something horsepower. It was a gorgeous car but two point it's more than a Bugatti. I was joking with the buddy of mine I go there's a coming a stick for 1.9 million anyway so we get there and you know it's cloudy and it's raining and that type of shit. And, you know, it sucks, my Bruins went there the very next night. I just missed them.

And tonight, Monday night, I should say, the Bruins are in Seattle playing the Kraken. And I've never been to a game there. I think next year I'm going to go to a game. I only have the last two professional sports teams I need to see a home game of is the Carolina Hurricanes and the Seattle Kraken. That's it, and then I'm done. I don't know what it means, but that's what I did.

I started going with Baseball Stadium, and then I was like, I don't even have a fucking stadium stadium. Lunatic and that's why I have to lay off booze and cigars because that's what I do. I like this cigar. I'm gonna fucking try every cigar. Anyway, oh, that place, first of all, shout out to the doorman who hooked me up that place. First of all shout out to the doorman who hooked me up with a Cuban cigar that was actually real. I have to confess to something. I didn't smoke it because I had already smoked a cigar and I put it in the pocket of my P-coat and it ended up breaking in half. Out of respect for the guy I'm like I gotta at least smoke the back end of this thing and I lit it and I did what I did Every time I smoke, I light a real Cuban cigar.

I light it, and I go, oh my God, and it was actually real, and I was like, fuck. And I had to throw the top half out because it was fucking mangled. So I smoked one and a half cigars, whatever. I used to smoke seven a week, okay? I'm down to one and a half, but I'm not smoking. I don't smoke at the

house. I don't smoke in front of the kids. Hey Bill, we don't give a fuck whether you're doing that. Stop giving us the report. I don't know. I feel like if I if I have someone to answer to, it'll help me cut it down, even though I don't really hear from you guys because I'm talking to myself here. What exactly am I doing right now? I don't even fucking know. So anyway, I did my show and I was fucking exhausted afterward. Amazing crowd. Canadian crowds are just great. You can make fun of their country or whatever. As long as you make fun of America and that type of shit. And that's what I like. I always like going up there and I start to make fun of America.

And then when they're like, yeah, then I come at them and then they're like, all right, all right, we've done some shit too. And I woke up the next day and ended up walking to find this coffee shop. I always look up, you know, best coffee in whatever city. So I'm on my way over there, I walked by this World War I memorial where they did this cool thing, they had lights around it and the lampshades on the lights

were like World War I helmets, which was really cool. And I noticed it was sort of like, you know, some people, there's always people in a park that they're like, you know, they're not just fucking sitting here listening to the wind blow through the trees. They kind of maybe live here. I don't know, but whatever.

Every city has that. So I'm walking to the coffee shop that I looked up and I realized I don't have enough time. So I just say, I fuck it. This coffee shop, I walk by coffee shop. It looked good. I'm gonna fucking go in there. I don't want to be late, right? To go to the airport obviously so I go in there and you know it passed all the tests you know it

had it was putting serving the coffee if you didn't get it to go were in these really you know cool looking mugs there was nice little latte art and then like the cappuccino only came in one size. They also made a cortado and a flat white, so it was like, alright, this place looks legit. So I ordered a flat white, I got a little breakfast sandwich and I sit down, coffee's delicious, people look cool, and all of a sudden this Canadian dude comes walking in he's got his bicycle and he's like oh hey do you mind if I leave my bike here inside the store and they're all like yeah that's a good idea man it's not gonna last four seconds out there I'm thinking like wait a second am I am I in a bad

neighborhood I didn't even know I was so busy looking at my Google Maps walking over there, right? So I finished up. I had the coffee. Everything was great. And they were really nice there. And I walked out. And the second I walked out, all of a sudden now I'm looking around. There's like people nodding off on heroin and shit.

But like I walked on the other side of the street. For some reason they were only on one side of the street. And Dean Del Ray was telling me that he had a buddy of his that had a shop up there and he said they made it illegal for junkies to be on certain sides of the street. It was basically people that paid high-end rent. They'd abide by it. So they just fucking nod off on one side of the street. There was a lot of them. Like it was reminding me of when I first moved in New York and I wouldn't go anywhere near Alphabet City

at Thompson Square Park was just totally taken over by like homeless people, drug addicts, people just fucking just nodding off all the time. Like there was so many comedians that did bits about like people nod-noth on heroin. But anyway I ended up getting it had a great show up there. You know people breaking my balls about being a Vancouver fan and this thing I'm so like not paying attention league I didn't even know that the Vancouver Canucks were in first place until I put on TSN their ESPN up there and I was like look at them look at them number one in the west ahead of Edmonton or whatever

I don't know what's going on out there got to figure Colorado's doing something right? Oh You know what I forgot to bring up I Forgot to I had a I had a show get added the Greek theater in Berkeley, California Berkeley, California, man. I'm really psyched about this one. I don't think I Have ever done a show I haven't done a show out there. I Don't think I have I remember one time I was looking at theaters out there to possibly shoot a special. But on June 8th, the Greek Theater in Berkeley, California,

pre-sale starts Wednesday. And all tickets are on sale Friday, March 1st. And I'm very excited to do that one. I mean, I'm excited to do all of these, but like I usually go up, I do like San Francisco or I do San Jose, I did Fresno the last time and that's another fun one to do, but I never get to do Berkeley.

So that should be a good one. So this Wednesday, that's the pre-sale and then it goes on sale general is this Friday, March 1st. I appreciate any and all of you coming out to that show. So let me just stop babbling here. I'll get to the final one here. The final one is I end up going to,

end up going to Utah, Salt Lake City. It was Bianca Cristavio, the whole trip was me, Dean Krunt, and Bianca Cristavio had like a fucking monster set in Utah and You know, I always like Bringing people that are on the way up and she's definitely somebody on the way up And I just kind of saw her go to another gear in that one where somebody kind of yelled some shit out at her But they weren't heckling.

And she just handled it like it was nothing and just went right back. Dean has all of this new stuff. And those are the kinds of people I like going out on the road with. I see them growing and having new shit. And it keeps you, you know. I'm a big, I believe in that.

You don't want somebody just coming out doing the same shit every night, you know, you want somebody that's growing because I feel like that shit is like, it's contagious either way, good or bad, you know. So anyway, that was the last show of the run and Anyway, that was the last show of the run. And maybe the best show of it, I don't know, they were all fucking great. But that was the biggest crowd. And I was like, wow, man, people in Utah really like me. But then I was also thinking like, yeah, but everybody out here has like four or five kids.

There's like a lot of people out here. And then there's some people like, you know, 10 wives and like fucking 22 kids. But anyway, it was a really, a really fun run and I got to do so much fun stuff before the shows, the shows were great too. And I hope Bill's gonna talk a little shit here. I'm at the top of my fucking game right now.

This is the best I think I've ever been. I was telling my age ago, those might have been three of the best shows I've ever had. And I have all of these new ideas and stuff. I think this is gonna be a killer tour. And I'm very thankful for that because I've been doing this shit coming up on 32 years Jesus Christ on March 2nd 32 fucking years and I Feel like I'm still learning stuff and I got all this other I've not dried up or anything

I'm not gonna lie to you this definitely nights when I'm just going like I just don't want to get on this plane But then I do and I do the show and I'm like, oh, just don't want to get on this plane. But then I do and I do the show and I'm like oh yeah that's right this is fucking this is why I do it it's fucking amazing it's an amazing job so anyway enough of my babbling I don't have any ad reads. Surprise surprise. Let's see here what do we got here? Oh you guys wrote in how many do I got here I still, you guys wrote in how many I got here? I still have like another half hour in this podcast. How the hell am I gonna stretch this up? How am I gonna do my fucking time here? Um, I did announce my show. Oh, you know what?

All right, I'm back. So there's some going like no, no, no, no, no no can I cancel that and it fuck it doesn't let me Anyway Continuing on Yeah formula one starts up moto GP starts up next Next month, you know what sucks is I was gonna do a gig in in Argentina And then the moto Jeep around a moto GP rateGP race and it got it got cancelled Fucking blows. I've never been to South America and I and I kind of wanted to start going to one foreign

MotoGP race a year You know, I got it, you know, I've run out of shit to fucking sporting events to go to and I feel like if I did that You know, it's just those dumb things that just keep you excited to go out because I swear to God, if I only toured the United States and I just kept going to the same fucking cities and doing the same thing because that's another thing like a lot of this shit that I talked about that I did when I was on the road, almost all of it, I've never done before in those cities, so it kind of keeps the cities new. But if I would just do the same thing every time, it just, I don't know, it becomes depressing. And then you

run out of shit to say maybe, I don't know. Anyway, New York Times crossword, Bill, congratulations on being included in the New York Times crossword puzzle Bill. Congratulations on being included in the New York Times crossword puzzle. The clue was comedian Bill. Look at me in a smart paper. They could have also gone with twinkle nuts the clown. And I think more people would have got it. Love the podcast.

Thanks for the laugh. You know what? I bet a lot of people guessed Mar. B-U-R-R-M-A-H-R. I bet a lot of people guessed Mar because it is the New York Times. I would think that way more references to him have been made in that paper than myself. That's pretty cool. Well, look at that. 32 years, there's my little birthday gift

for my 32nd anniversary. I finally get into a newspaper that I don't understand any part of that paper. I remember I would try to read it. I would try to read the front section. It's just hard to jump in, you know? There's so much stuff going on. I used to read it during that whole Bosnian Serb, you know,

I don't know, what was it, branded? A war, a conflict, a genocide, whatever, all of them, I don't know. I was trying to figure out what was going on and I don't know and I would just I wish I I wish I did that more because I actually for a minute was kind of informed kind of underscored at least I had New York Times spin on it well you know that's bunch fucking liberals you should read this fucking conservative one. No spin on this one.

Oh, all right. They all have spin on them. So I would read a couple articles in the front section of the paper and my head was about to explode. So then I would go to the sports section. And even the sports section, I was just like, this is way too much writing. I need more pictures and I need bigger font. One of my regrets, one of my regrets

of living in New York City is that I didn't read the New York Times enough. I was definitely, I read the New York Post in the daily news and I would go out and I would get a bacon egg and cheese and I would just fucking sit there And go right to the back of the I mean those those papers that they're fucking rags. I mean they're just

They're right at my intellectual level the whole front section is just fucking gossip and fear mongering and all of that shit and gossip and fear mongering and all of that shit. What is wrong with the fucking heat, my goddamn garage? You know, I spent all of this money trying to make this thing sort of a finished fucking garage. What is going on? It's blowing out hot air, now it's blowing out cold. I don't, I don't, I give, who gives a shit? Who gives a fuck?

It just, it is what it is. You know, it's just not gonna work. And it never works here's fucking hilarious about a finished garage you know what I mean you go in there and you try to make your man cave or whatever the fucking spiders and the same shit that are in every garage there's still leaves there's still you just can't there's something about a garage you just can't keep all of these creepy crawlies out of here. Put down a nice fucking rug for what? Anyway, let me get back to the...

Oh, let's get back to this next. Well, that is awesome. And thank you to the New York Times. I'm sure you don't share a lot of my political views, so it was nice that you put me in there. All right, oh, look at this. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, Zempick, oh Zempick in your ass. Dear Billy Berliner Maurer.

I don't get that, Berliner Maurer. Do you guys know what I'm saying? Are those two words making me say something else? Like Mike Hunt? Is Mike Hunt in the parking lot? Sounds like you're saying Mike Hunt, man. Remember that from Porky's? Anyway, long time listener from Germany. Oh, Billy Berliner.

Oh, Billy Berliner Maurer? Long time listener from Germany. I wonder what that means, Berliner. Billy Berliner, Mauer. Long time listener from Germany. I wonder what that means, Berliner, Mauer. I bet there's a bunch of German people laughing right now. What is that fucking red sack? Long time listener from Germany. Here asking for your wise old dad's advice. I'm not saying it's gonna be right, but I am an old dad. I hope you had a great time in Berlin. Oh, I definitely did. I definitely. That

anytime you get to go to another country, it's just like those, you don't forget those ones. You take your own country for granted and then you go to other countries, you know what's great? You appreciate them. And then what ends up happening is you miss your own country. And you get home, you're like, I fucking love this place. And it was cool that I went to that other place.

Hope you had a great time at Belen. I did. Sadly, right at that point, I was in Dublin for a semester abroad enjoying a couple of Guinnesses. God bless ya. Oh my god. Oh my god. If I ever come off the wagon, that'd be a nice one. Nice frothy fucking. I used to say those were like an adult milkshake. Fucking love those things. Bonnington's too was nice. So I guess I combined your heritage in some way.

Well, yeah, you did. I'm German Irish. Here is the deal. I am a type one diabetic. Basically, that means I have, I've had it from a young age and it doesn't stem from old age or obesity like type two diabetes usually does.

Oh, I thought it was always either you were born with it or obesity. Old age? Ah, fuck, I could still get it. Jesus Christ. My body, slash pancreas, basically just decided that the insulin producing cells in my body are dangerous and I have to be eliminated. Oh no, I'm 29 years old and at the height of 183 centimeters, six feet sir, and wait 90, I gotta shut this shit up. What is going on with this thing? Yeah, look, well this is what it does. It

fucking, you know, you set it to like 70 degrees and it feels like you're in a fucking sauna And it way overcompensates and it goes oh fuck we got to get it back down to 70 and then the air conditioning is coming up. I Think whoever installed this had a side deal With the electric company Turns on the heat then it turns on the AC, turns on the heat, then it turns on the AC. Or you know what, I probably hit the wrong button. Anyway, and I, 211 pounds, six feet to 11.

You're all muscle, dude, you are a fucking problem. I would not want to run into you in a dark alley. Which basically means I'm slightly overweight at a body mass index of 28.4, a BMI of over 30 is seen as definitely overweight. I do work out thrice a week. Therefore, some of my weight might not be body fat, but muscle mass, but a little belly and booty is always there. I have been trying to lose weight since I was about 10 years old. Mind you, I had leukemia when I was five years old.

And during or after chemotherapy, I was also treated with high amounts of cortisone, which caused me to become extremely hungry. I wonder why that was. I wonder what it was about cortisone that made you hungry. And start eating like a barn thresher. All right, that's a German idiom. Well, I got to look that up.

I still have these strong longings for bad food that I have to fight each time, which we all do as you know, as you know best, guessing from your own admission on the podcast, not from your looks. Yeah, but you know something, that might not be from the cortisone. The cortisone might have made you crave food and then you made bad choices because you were a kid. So you might just be addicted to sugar and salt. And if you can just kind of get away from that, I don't think it's the

cortisone at this point. I would guess. I mean, I would try, you know, somebody's telling me like, you know, order, you know, a side of vegetable before you eat like the protein, eat all of the greens or something like that, and you get full. And it causes you to actually start to crave vegetables, which is an incredible feeling, way better than craving cookies. And I don't know, this time when I've been getting in shape, I usually just become like a rail because I just do cardio, cardio, cardio. This time I'm doing something different where, you know, just eating differently and continuing to work out,

making sure I hang on to the muscle mass. Cause you know, when we were growing up, that's, oh, you gotta fucking go for a jog and all of that shit and like you would just lose all your muscle mass and you drop this weight and you just become fleshy. You know, just skin and fucking bones. I don't want to do that this time. So I like the way it's happening this time. So anyway, the person says, where am I? Now I'm actually

considering trying out OO OO Zempic as a last resort to finally get rid of my baby fat. The company that makes this is Novo Nordisk, who I have always had a good image of because they made a bunch of the diabetes needles and insulin insulins that I have used throughout all my life. Maybe it's a bullshit drug. I should keep trying to overcome my eating habits and work out regularly, but as every part of life seems to get easier in our modern times, why can't losing weight be the same? Anyways, have a great day, you cunt, and I hope you come back to Berlin. I'm definitely going back, so I can not go to your show again.

Of course, I'm just kidding. I'll surely meet my buddies in the States soon and come to one of your shows. Thanks for all your cool work. Goodbye Don't you say Guten tag Guten tag is hello a fetus in Well Here's the upside about ozempic is if it's legal in Germany I'm more I Would be more comfortable with it if it's legal in my country, I mean, it's just fucking, it's hazard county here now. Everybody's just fucking beyond corrupt and the whole thing is out of control.

You're really, you're on your own to try and figure it out. But I would definitely try, you know, considering the fact, just considering that maybe you are addicted to sugar and salt and investing in like a nutritionist that tries to get, you know, the great thing about you is you, the food that you eat over there is not poisoned. And I really hope that my country, the fucking pieces of shit who turned our food into poison are not successful in getting it to all of these other countries. It's really amazing if you keep up on that story. Like there's people like, we're not taking it. And they're like, we've created a higher corporate global court that says you have to take it. And it's just like, well, we don't recognize that court.

Go fuck yourself. Then other countries are like, all right, well, we'll take it. We have to say what's in it. And they're like, no, you're not allowed to do that. It's fucking evil. So maybe where you're from, I would just really recommend a lot of vegetables and stuff like that. That has really been helping me.

At my age, it's really hard to try to stay in shape, but I am definitely doing it. I go for walks and stuff like that. And then every third or fourth day, I just do a full body workout, just lifting weights, squats, all of this stuff, and I do a bunch of stretching and that seems to be working for me. But I got a lot of empathy for you, all the stuff you've had to deal with, leukemia and now diabetes. So I don't know, I would obviously not take the advice of a fucking standard comedian.

I have no medical background whatsoever, so all I'm doing is just telling you what has been working for me. So good luck to you and I can't wait to go back to Berlin and do a run through Germany. I fucking love it out there. Austria, Hungary, I just had such a great time. I do have to get back to France and Italy. You know what, I might just say fuck it and just fly out for a Moto GP race. Just say, I don't need a gig, fuck it. I'm just gonna go out there and do it. You know, cause you know what kills me every year

when Formula One is in Mono Carlo, just one time, I wanna go there and I just want to see them going through that fucking tunnel In every year it's I don't know. I just forget and it comes up. I'm like god damn it Or breakfast at Wimbledon with dick and burb rest his soul. I used to love that shit I want to go to center court at some point um And once again, I'm not doing either one of these years this year, so I might just say, fuck it, and take a little, bring my wife along, bring the kids, go out there.

That might be a lot for the kids to kind of go out and come back. Um, I don't know, just thinking out loud. I won't do any of that shit, but it's fun to do that. You know what, I'm going to fucking do that. Just fun to say it out loud. All right, thoughts on go bags. Dear Wilbert. I like that, Wilbert.

A Reddit post recently went viral that described the falling out between a husband and wife when the husband discovered his wife's go bag. Wow. Basically, the wife kept a bag of essentials like toiletries and some cash in case she ever needed to quickly leave her husband. The husband saw the go bag as grounds for divorce. I personally see it as a gray area. Men and people in general can go nuts.

Most people on the internet were of the opinion that the husband was only validating the wife's go bag by getting so upset about it. Thoughts? Go fuck yourself cordially. My thoughts as the general public always sides with the female for the most part and the genius of women as they act like that doesn't happen. Anytime there's a falling out in a fucking relationship the guy is blamed. I mean just look at cheating right? If a guy cheats it's because not only is he a piece of shit it's because all guys are he a piece of shit, it's because all guys are pieces of shit and pizzas of shit and we're all dogs. If a woman cheats, well, there's a reason. It's because of something that the guy did. And that whole thing that

women aren't lustful and don't just go out and fuck around just because they want a different dick in them, right? And there's nothing more and they can just totally compartmentalize that and come back. They act like females don't have an ability to do that, which is complete bullshit. So it doesn't surprise me that in this instant, because if you flip that around and the woman found a go bag and this woman decided to get a divorce. They would say that's such a strong brave fucking move. He's obviously got a side piece and ba ba ba ba ba ba and all of that fucking shit, right?

So, all I can say is what I would do in that situation was I would be like, I definitely wouldn't feel good about it. I would be like, you know, is this some childhood shit? Like, was your mother an abusive relationship and you've carried that? She put it onto you? Are you witness it or something? Or is this something that I'm doing? Or are you just not happy and you just don't have the courage to say it yet and you want to leave? But I wouldn't just say like, oh, you have a go bag? Fuck that.

I'm out of here. But I also think, you know, like this is just a story, right? They found this bag and she had it and he said it was grounds for divorce and everybody's jumping to conclusions. You don't know anything that was going on in their relationship. Like what the fuck was going on in the relationship? I have no idea. Was this guy abusive?

Was he not abusive? Was, you know, is she out of her fucking mind? I don't know. So what would I do if I found out my wife had a go bag? That would make me feel tremendously, tremendously insecure. And I would think that she was probably already fucking somebody else. To be honest, that's what I would think. I mean, ladies, any ladies listening to my fucking podcast? I mean, if a guy had a go bag, especially with like toiletries and cash in there,

they wouldn't look at it as a go bag. They would look at it as you have a side piece that you fucking pay and, you know, and then you clean yourself, you give her the cash, you clean yourself up after you've done fucking her and you come, oh, you were planning on doing it. That they wouldn't look at it like you were leaving them. Man, it's fucking wild.

Like in what instance would you want to have to leave that quick is crazy. So the obvious thing that the armchair psychologists are gonna say is that he's obviously abusive if she feels she has to leave that quickly and then there's the other thing is like she might be you know she might have got married for the wrong fucking reason you she, you know, maybe she wanted to break up with the guy and she just didn't know how to do it. And this is like her solution. And she's just like, what if I just fucking had enough money, toiletries, and I just got the fuck out, I'll get an apartment

in another fucking state. And I'll just grab this bag, he's gonna see me packing up and I'll just get the fuck out of there. I mean guys abandoned families So I mean why why wouldn't Why would this woman be above doing that? I don't fucking know. Um, that's pretty wild. You know what I wish My fucking gorgeous wife was on the podcast right now. You know what? I'm going to have to have her back, man. She'll make like an appearance soon. We got to do something about the go bag. But this is the thing. I married somebody who has no problem telling me what they're thinking. If she was like to that point, she would just say,

yeah, listen, it's not fucking working out. And she would never be like, it's not you, it's me. She would be like, it's not me, it's you. Which point I probably be like, all right, yeah, get it. All right. All right, bitch, virgin friend. Okay, Bill, I got a problem. friend. Okay, Bill, I got a problem. One of my good mates is 25 and still a virgin. He refuses out of fear or pride or whatever to talk to or meet girls. I don't think your diagnosis is right, right out of the gate. He's 25, he's still a virgin. He refuses to meet him out of fear. Yeah, maybe fear. I don't think pride. He might have got molested and doesn't like being touched or whatever. I don't know. Could be gay. I have no idea. Could be asexual. We have taken him to clubs and he will sit alone unless a girl talks to him first. And even then, it's like watching a 13 year old,

13 year olds, wait, it's like watching 13 year olds hide a boner. That's a hell of a reference. I don't know what that looks like. He also has a stupid amount of criteria. When the fuck do you watch 13 year olds trying to hide a boner? It's like watching a 13 year old try to hide a boner. That's what the fuck you were trying to say, you idiot.

You made yourself sound like a fucking pedophile. You forgot, try. It's like watching a 13 years old hide a boner. Oh, maybe I read it wrong. I think I read it wrong. Oh, I'm sorry, dude. I'm sorry. That was on me.

All right. This guy's all right and I'm a moron. Sorry. He also has a stupid, I can't imagine this person listening like the panic of that first 11 seconds. That's not what I meant. Sorry, buddy. All right. That's not what I meant! Um, sorry buddy. Alright. He also has a stupid amount of criteria when it comes to the ladies such as any chick that

has more than a thousand Insta followers is a thought in his eyes despite him having an underbite and balding. Okay, okay, I take all of this back. Fear of pride. I should've shut the fuck up, I judged you, okay. I'm on board with you, sir. My question is, how do I get this little bitch to finally lose his V card and man the fuck up?

We are thinking about taking him to a brothel and paying for him, cause he's a tight ass. But knowing him, he will not go in because he can't go get it for free at a club. Despite his inability to talk to women to the point, it's like an autistic kid at a rave. All right, listen. First of all, it sounds to me like you're a great friend because you're still hanging

in with this guy. All right? This is like a draft pick where you just, you've invested so much fucking money in them. At some point, you just got to cut your losses and just be like, all right, we're starting over again and you got to let them go. This is not your fucking, at this point, you trying to help him and taking this fucking on, like he has to go touch the hot stove and just realize that he's creating his own fucking problems.

He can sit there all the fuck he wants. I love, is he making any money? Like how can he sit there 25 balding and be sitting there judging a woman with a thousand followers? You might be trying to start a business. Like what are you talking about? Uh, yeah, I would just, this is what I would do with him. I would say, listen man, I've been trying, I mean, how long you been trying with this guy?

Probably since he's been around 18 and be like, all right, man, when's it going to happen? Right? So I would just be like, listen, dude, um, I give up, we all give up. All right. It seems like you know what you're looking for and we're not going to be in the way. Don't say you give up. Just be like, you know something I respect the fact that you seem to like know

what you're looking for. So, you know, good luck with that. And why don't you get on with your fucking 25 year old life and just go have a good time. Let him post up by himself. You know why? Yeah. Maybe if you just fucking just let him sit there by himself and stop giving him all this attention about when he's going to lose his fucking virginity. He doesn't seem like he wants to. I don't know what he's going through, but I got to be honest with you, after reading that email, I'm fed up with him. So time for a little tough love here.

All right. Anyway, it says, love the podcast. We listen to it all the time and I'm sure he will hear this too. Oh no. You didn't tell me that part. Go fuck yourself, unlike my mate. Yeah, all right, well if your friend's listening to it, yeah, I mean, you gotta fucking step up to the plate.

Take a couple of swings. I don't, you know what? I don't know what you gotta do. It's not my fucking problem. But I can tell you this, you're not gonna solve it on the sidelines. Yeah, why don't you be a less judgy? A little less judgy, you know what I mean? From one bald guy to a balding guy, have less judgment like you have hair.

How about that? There you go. All right? And if you're upset about that, learn how to take a fucking ball breaking Okay, that is the podcast everybody um, I Hope you enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed going to fucking Portland, Vancouver in Utah, man I just Salt Lake City. I had a such a great time and

I don't even know where I'm going next because I sort of live week to week, but I'm definitely looking forward to getting out there. I Swear to God that fucking Salt Lake City show I did an hour and 15 minutes. I felt like I was on stage for about 15 It flew by to the point. I was like, can I get I'm getting off stage right now my fucking these people I looked down now I want 15 minutes I went 15 they were amazing All right, that is it. That is a podcast I'll check in on you on Thursday. This March Audiences are invited to Stepple Dream World. Dark. Deceit.

Full of sand. And worms. And it's three hours long. Oh, god. Hey, you know what? I got a better idea. How about you just see Drugstore June instead? Bright, colorful, full of your favorite

comedians, and for the love of God, it's only 90 minutes. Executive produced by Bill Brer. It's Drugstore June. Go to drugstorejune.com and get your tickets now.