Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-12

Episode Date: February 27, 2012

Posted in PodcastPlay AudioBill rambles about the Oscars, Family Reunions and Midievel Colonics

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Trust your Instinct, follow your license. Information and information on BMW.b for Monday, February 27th, 2012. How the hell are you? How's it going? Are you in a good mood? I hope you are. Jesus Christ. I'm fucking brain dead this week. I just did two shows at the Comedy Works.

I'm still in Denver as I'm recording this here. And I'm laying in the hotel bed. I'm wearing a t-shirt. By Jockey. I'm wearing Jockey right now. Calvin Klein boxers and Jockey pajama bottoms. That's what I'm wearing. This is my tribute to the Oscars. You know, hey Bill, you're a fucking loser in the middle of nowhere. What are you wearing? Who are you wearing?

Who are you wearing? Would you guys like to do that? Would you like to be at the Oscars? You know, walk it down. Hey, what are you wearing? You know, I would. I'd love to be at the Oscars right now. Sitting there waiting to accept my third best male fucking supporting.

No, lead. Lead guy. And set the record. Remember Tom Hanksoma set the record. He won two years in a row. And then he went for the third when he played the astronaut. I thought he had it. He ran the gamut. You know, he won in 1990 something, right?

All right. He played the gay guy that nobody liked because he had the disease that everybody was scared of. All right. And what did he do? He ate a bunch of kale salad and he lost weight. He looked like Michael Stipe. That's what I thought, right? And if you believe you get AIDS from shaking my hand.

All right. Did he sing that song? And then he won. He won an Oscar for that fucking Oscar. And then the next year he played the, the, the mentally challenged person waiting for the bus, eating the chocolate bars. I completely didn't understand that movie. And I suffered for a long time because of that movie because it was, it was one of those impressions. Somebody figured out how to do it and then everybody could just kind of do it.

Right. At some point in their act, they had to be like, I love you, Jenna. Right. I had to listen to that for fucking seven years. Seven years waiting for the final couple of hacks to stop fucking doing one of those goddamn jokes. All right. So there you go. He played a mentally challenged guy.

He played Michael Stipe look alike, but it wasn't Michael. All right. And then the next year he plays an astronaut. Houston, we have a problem. Right. Now he's got the fucking American flag draped around him and somehow he didn't win it. You know, just didn't make any fucking sense. I don't know.

I'm not watching the Oscars tonight. I should probably have it on. Should I? I missed the whole fucking, I don't, I don't, I don't like watching award shows. Watching an award show. That's like going to like your little brother's graduation. You don't give a fuck. Just give my brother the thing and so I can get the fuck out of here.

Right. You know, I usually like going to Oscar parties because I just go there and I, and I ruin it for everybody else because I sit there trashing people. You know, trashing these way more successful people than I am. You know, it's ridiculous. God, I'd love to win a fucking Oscar. Go up there and act like I'm humble. You know, I just don't even feel like, I mean, what, I just think of all the work that everybody

else did so that I can stand here and just be me, me, me. This is awesome. If I ever win one, I'm not going to be humble. Well, that'd be fucking hilarious. If you had the balls to just go up there, just walking up there and the Oscar goes to Bill Burr for red heads or people too. It's stupid music. And then I go up there and I just fucking take it out of some broads hand.

Yeah, you know what? It's about fucking time. All you other goddamn groups bitch moaning and complaining. You know, it's about time to let a redhead and male be an action hero. Sons of bitches all these years, all the gay people complaining, all the ladies, all the black people. What about the redheads? You know what? This isn't for all the other redheads.

This is for me. It's about fucking time. Go fuck yourselves. All of you. You fucked up. You gave me a million dollars and I didn't spend any of it. So you know what? I don't need any of you.

I'm out of here. All right? I bought some land in Wyoming. I got a fucking gun and I'm not doing another one of these fucking movies because I don't like doing it nine times in a row. Okay, can we do it again? Hey, can you go fuck yourself? You had the cameras on. You saw it, didn't you?

Why do all you wear those giant glasses with the black frames? You know, thanks to you guys doing that. Now LeBron James is doing it and that fucking guy on the Kevin Durant. Everybody's got these... What's his face? The other guy, Dwight Howard's wearing those big fucking glasses. Why are all the NBA superstars dressing like old casting directors? Oh wait, back to the acceptance speech.

All right? So fuck all of you. And that's it. Merry Christmas. That's my acceptance speech. You know, you just need to win one. And no matter how much of a douche you are for the rest of your life, you're like, that's the Oscar winning douchebag, Bill Burr. That's got to be right up there, right?

The Oscar is basically the Medal of Honor for Pussies. You know, you didn't take out a platoon or hold out a fucking platoon all by yourself. You didn't run up to a tank and drop a grenade in it. What did you do? You pretended to be a guy who ran up to a tank and dropped a grenade into the fucking thing, right? I don't even know what I'm talking about, people. I had two shows tonight. The first one was at four o'clock this afternoon, right?

Because his people had to get home to watch the Oscars. Who are you wearing? Where can I see your chess bones? Your tits look like prunes. Eat something. Are you like me, people? Do you like a little fucking girl with little meat on her bones? You know what I mean?

Somebody you can fucking throw around the bedroom. Isn't that lovely? What am I talking about this week? What are we talking about? Hey, everybody, how about a nice little... It's time for a commercial, everybody. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do. But up up, but up up.

Hey, do you guys like going to the post office? Well, go ahead. I don't care. I don't have to go to the post office anymore. I don't feel like going to school no more. Me neither. I don't go to the post office anymore. I'm done standing in that damn line buying all those miserable people just to get up to the front

to have somebody say, next window please, and then watch them sit their fat ass in a bunch of those peanuts that they put in the box, you know, in their stupid blue pants. I've had it. I don't like their uniforms. I don't like the looks on their faces. Wouldn't it be phenomenal if somebody came up a way to bring the post office into your house, into your apartment, into your tent,

if you're out there down still down there in Wall Street, right? What'd they call it? If you take it over. What was it called? Occupy. If you're occupying someplace and you need to write, you need to send out a bunch of mass email. All you got to do is go to stamps.com everybody.

All right. Your time is valuable. You don't have time to go down there and stand with all those other miserable bastards. All right. You want to print out the stamps by yourself. Wouldn't that be great? This is like the, what do they call it? The center ice package.

You want to watch all the NHL games? You get that. All right. This is the center ice package for fucking stamps. Why did I just curse and ruin this read? I don't know. It's what I do. I self-sabotage.

But that doesn't mean I don't believe in this product because I use it. All right. This is just going off the rails here. Stamps.com is so convenient. Let's get back to the copy. Buy and print official US postage using your own computer and printer. You can print postage for any letter or package whenever you need it. 24-7.

24-7 people. I'm mailing out all my DVDs. They give me a little scale. I love it. I feel like I'm a little kid pretending to work at the post office, but I'm actually an adult with a real post office basically in my own apartment. My own house. Excuse me.

All right. So I know what you're thinking. You're just like me. You're selfish. Like, well, okay, Bill, that's great. What's in it for me? Where's the special offer? Where's the buy one, get one free?

Well, here it comes there, Freddie. Right now, Stamps.com has a special offer from my listeners. My listeners. It's a no risk trial. No risk. Okay. You get $110 bonus offer that includes a digital scale that you're going to love, by the way. You're going to get addicted to using it like me.

And you get $55 in free postage. All right. This is a no risk trial. They're giving you 55 bucks and a little scale. All right. So sit your fanny on the scale and lick those stamps, baby, because this is a hell of a deal. But only if you go and you use my last name. This is what you do.

You go to Stamps.com. Before you do anything else, once you get to the website, you click on the radio microphone at the top of the homepage. You type in Burr. B is in Burr. U-R-R. Okay. That's Stamps.com.

Enter Burr. Get your stamps. Get your scale. And never stand in that miserable, miserable bread line that there's no bread at the front. All right. How was that for a read? All right. Let's get on to stuff that I want to bitch about this week.

All right. I know a lot of you guys. You probably think on some level that I hate women. All right. And I got to be honest with you. You're fucking right. I don't like hate them individually. But as a group, they fucking annoy me because they're always complaining, bitch moaning,

and all this fucking crap, unlike me, who just always brings the sunshine. All right. This is the thing. Whenever it comes down to male-female relationships, what I've noticed on television is that if someone's going to be the douche, it's always the guy. If somebody's at fault, it's always the guy. If somebody's going to pay, it's always the guy except for the occasional Britney Spears. All right.

Who, if I ever see, I'm buying her a fucking beer. Poor girl with that bum-ass husband. Right? He's sitting around the house getting fat, sitting in sweatpants that she paid for. You know? She ever went over there and slept the shit out of him, smashed him on his head with one of her bedazzled high heels, and I was on that jury. I would say not guilty.

I would say not guilty. I would say she's a fucking hero that she hasn't done it yet. Here's a story for you. These are the stories. I'm just going to put this out here because I'm really hoping that this is going to inspire somebody to start some sort of legislation or whatever the fuck you need to do to turn things around because I really, in this country, there's a major problem. Women are organized and guys are not when it comes to this relationship shit.

All right? Oh, you go right ahead and roll your eyes, ladies. I don't give a fuck. This isn't for you. All right? Here's a nice story. I'm going to read one of these every fucking week to fucking people realize what is going on.

All right? What's going on? What is also going on? Because every fucking three minutes, I got to watch the story about some poor woman who got the living shit kicked out of her by some asshole guy, right? And you watch enough of those stories and you start thinking, oh, my God, women are always the victim. That's not so.

Here's a nice story for you. A little story called Who Knew I Was Not The Father? Do I even need to read it to you? You know where this is going. This happens all the fucking time, but they don't talk about it. You know, it's not considered a major fucking problem. It's because guys are not organized. And we have to start bitch moaning and complaining the way women do.

All right? Just mentally try and imagine what it's like to have a period. And that's the mindset you need to get in to make change in this country. That's what I think is needed. All right? Okay, here we are. Boys and girls gather around. Who Knew I Was Not The Father?

The first one. It was July in 2007 when Mike L asked the Pennsylvania courts to declare that he was no longer the father of his daughter. For four years, Mike had known that the girl he had rocked to sleep and dance with across the living room floor was not, as they say, his. The revelation from a DNA test was devastating and prompted him to leave his wife, but he had not renounced their child because he's a good shit because he realized that the child was a whore.

You know? It's not the kid's fault that her mom is a whore. You know? This guy's a stand-up guy. But he had not renounced their child. He continued to feel that in all the ways that mattered, she was still his daughter. And he faithfully paid her child support. I mean, this guy is a saint.

If there's a God, this guy is going straight into heaven. Okay? He could have been bitter. He could have walked away. He didn't. He stood in. Right? So it was only when he learned that his ex-wife was about to marry the man who she said actually

was the girl's biological father that Mike flipped. Supporting another's man's child suddenly became unbearable. Can you believe this woman? Why don't they show that? Why don't they show in all these stories of guys beating women? What about a woman? Why don't they show when women do shit like this? You know?

Not only did she cheat on her husband, she fucked a dude raw. Not only did she fuck the dude raw, she let him bust it in him. Not only did she have a fucking kid with him, she didn't say shit to her husband. So then this fucking guy, he has to find out. He's sitting there, you know, looking how he looks and his kid doesn't look anything like him. And she doesn't say shit so one day goes to Walgreens, gets a little DNA test, does a little swabby swab of her and then him. Sends it off to you gotta be shit me labs in fucking Colorado.

Comes back, finds out it's not his kid. He's absolutely fucking devastated. His goddamn marriage is over and he's still a stand up guy. So now this fucking whore goes back with the guy that actually knocked her up. Now they're living together. Okay? Wouldn't you think, despite the fact that she's a whore, that maybe she wouldn't be a cunt too? You know?

It's unbelievable. Why not at that point just have the fucking real dad pay? And if for some reason the courts are making this guy go through the motions or write in the check, just take the check, cash it and give it back to the guy. Why can't you do that? You know why? Because they can never have enough. Do you know how guys can never have enough pussy?

Women can never have enough stuff. You ever notice that? Even if they have a one night stand, they still gotta get a t-shirt. You know? They always gotta get something. I don't know if I've said that before in this podcast, but it's fucking true. They always gotta have stuff. You know?

And they got this free fucking money coming in. This bitch just got two, she's pimping these guys. She's got two guys, two guys working for her. God damn genius. Also a cunt, but she's a genius of a cunt. Okay? I mean, how dumb is that guy who actually knocked her up? How dumb is he to marry her?

Who the fuck married somebody who was un- Who marries, who makes somebody their wife? Who was already somebody else's wife and fucked around with you? You saw what she did? You think she's not gonna get tired of you? You think she's not gonna go somewhere else, get some more dick and a little more, you know, foreign spackle between the fucking gams?

Unbelievable. There you go. That's shit, and that's not misogynistic that I'm only reading these stories. What I'm doing is I'm trying to balance out the bullshit that you see it on TV. The bullshit vibe that only guys cheat, guys are dogs, guys, guys, guys do all the fucking bullshit. It's okay? We are equal.

Okay? We are capable of doing wonderful things like this guy who did the right thing by this little girl, and we're also capable of doing horrific things. All right? Slapping the shit out of fucking women, sticking their heads in the glovebox, trying to see if you can get it all the way closed.

You know? We also do shit like that. And ladies, right, they can be absolute angels, and they can be a steaming pile of cunt like this woman. So there you go. That's my little fair and balanced reporting. For this week, go fuck yourselves. I've done two and a half hours of comedy tonight.

My new special I'm taping this Saturday night at the Lincoln Theater in Washington, D.C. And let me tell you something, brother. I'm fucking bringing it on this one. All right? I am on a mission to outdo my last two fucking specials. Okay? And I don't care if you cunts don't think I did it.

I think I'm gonna do it. All right? I have a special. Is it even a special at this point now that Comedy Central has given every fucking person on the planet a goddamn special? I'm gonna call this one. It's a stand-up standard. You know, everybody, I can't believe half my listeners

haven't gotten hour-long special on Comedy Central. You know, God bless Comedy Central. They put me on forever, but I gotta tease them a little bit. The year when I did my half hour, if you guys ever see, if you ever get a chance to watch my half hour, that music that they played when they went to the commercial was, it was the worst music I've ever heard in my life. It was so fucking disrespectful to all the hard work you did

as a comedian. You finally get a special, you're excited, and then they just would go to commercial and they'd have your face and there was just this trumpet that would go, ba da ba da ba, ba ba. Fucking like, what the fuck was that? What the, did they have lyrics to that?

You suck. Fuck you. That means what it sounded like. Look at this wacky douchebag. It's just, you know what I mean? There's just no respect for it. So anyways, I'm taping this special. I'm doing two on,

I'm doing two on Saturday night and I am beyond fucking ready. I worked my ass off for the last six weeks. I've done a bunch of shows and I really want to thank everybody who came out and who sincerely laughed at what was funny and fucking stared at me when it wasn't because I got this bitch, it's ready to go.

It's ready to go, man. But I'm not gonna lie to you, I'm fucking wiped out. This is what I did. I'm taping it in DC. I live in Los Angeles, okay? Do the nautical fucking miles there. It's a horrific flight that I've done a zillion fucking times. Right, I'm fucking over it, mate, yeah?

So I bought a coach ticket and then fucking used my miles, which is something I never do. I never use my miles, don't ask me why. I just keep, I get a bunch of miles, I never fucking use them. And then the airline gets bought out by somebody else and then somebody comes in and they say,

hey, you know what? You don't have any more miles. And I say, well, guess what, they're fucking Rapunzel. I never use them. So go fuck yourself. All right, you got anything else to tell me? Don't fucking call me up and tell me what I have and I don't have.

I have enough in my life and I don't need you or your fucking miles, all right? Go fuck yourself. So, I actually use my miles. I bumped myself up to a first class fucking ticket. All right? And I'm going out there, stone fucking sober. And when I come back, I'm drinking on that flight baby

and they're probably gonna have to land in St. Louis because I might be the next guy to take a shit on the food cart. That's how drunk I am gonna get because I have done so many shows. If I have to do this hour one more fucking time, I'm gonna kill myself. I'll be fine by next Saturday. Nobody wants to bomb when the cameras are on

so that nervousness, you know? But as far as this hour, I absolutely love it, but I'm walking away after this week. I've had it. I'm walking away like De Niro in heat. And then I get to start the wonderful process of a whole new fucking hour with everything that I've learned from this hour.

So, I want to thank everybody who's gone out and bought tickets and all that type of shit and everyone who's gone to Amazon.com. It's fucking blowing up, man. You guys are doing such a wonderful thing for me, for the people who, other people, other person who works on my podcast. I'm able to pay him now, a nice amount of money.

And then 10% of everything that goes to Amazon.com is going to the Wounded Warriors Project which is leading me to have a nice relationship with them, which is going to lead to more cool stuff. So, thank you. So, if you're new to my podcast, this is basically it. If you go to Amazon.com, if you're going to buy something, I'm not saying to fucking buy anything.

Relax. But if you're going to, just go to my podcast. Go to my website first. Go to billburr.com. Click on the podcast. On the right-hand side, you'll see the link to Amazon.com right underneath the iTunes. You click on that and then I'll get credit

for driving traffic there. They'll give me a little bit of kickback. It doesn't cost you a fucking thing, right? They give me a little bit of a kickback and then I take 10% of that, give it to the Wounded Warriors. So, you donate to my podcast and you help out veterans who fought for this country, all right? And you get a free fucking podcast

and whatever the hell you bought on Amazon.com. I mean, Jesus Christ, how much more do you need to win? You know? God, some people are so selfish. Somebody's actually sitting here right now going, is that it? Is that all I get? You know?

And if you are, just be that way. I don't give a fuck. How far am I? 23 goddamn minutes, 23 minutes into this podcast. All right, I had an unbelievable weekend out here at the Denver Comedy Works. I didn't booze until Saturday night. Boozed one time.

A friend came by. I made some new friends and we drank, not too crazy, you know? Couple two or three. Couple two or three shots, you know? A little surf and turf as they say. And then I came home. I called the lovely Nia.

I'm like, hey, what's going on? She's like, you've been drinking, haven't you? I'm not drunk. Anyways, last week I talked about those noise cancellation headphones and I had questions about them. You know, my ears are fucked up from playing drums. And, you know, I wanted to get those noise cancellation things and I had a question about as far as, like,

if you're wearing those, are they actually protecting your ears or are they just tricking your ears into thinking they're not hearing anything but they actually are hearing it, but they can't register it so you're still fucking up your ears. So somebody who I don't know what their background is, is putting me at ease, says, Bill, just in case no one has answered this question adequately,

yes. The answer is no. Noise cancellation will not fuck up your ears. Well, this guy sounds like a pro. The principle behind noise cancellation is called destructive interference. The destructive part is the key here. Applying one sound wave, which is out of phase with another, will quite literally neutralize the sound,

producing a dead or quiet zone. So it's not that you just can't hear the noise that is messing up your ears. It's that it isn't there at all anymore. Well, fuck it. I want to get some. Who makes the best once? Let me know. Tell me who makes them and I will buy them. And I'm going to start asking more of these questions

because I have one for you. I fly all the fucking time. And you know what was killing me is that there's no more supersonic jets. Whatever happened to those concords? Can you, like, buy the other ones that didn't crash off of eBay? You know, they got to be sitting somewhere,

some billionaire probably has it. Can you imagine that if you had a private jet the size of a commercial jet and it could fucking fly at supersonic speed? You know, that was a dream of mine that never happened. I always wanted to fly to Paris on the Concord. You know, I wanted to be there and hear that fucking, you know, when you break the speed of sound.

What is that wall of vapor that forms right when you break the speed of sound? Can somebody explain that to me? That is just like, that's the closest thing that I've ever seen to anything in Star Wars. Like, literally being true. The fact that you go faster than sound. You think, think about, I mean,

speed of light's the next one. I mean, that's a huge fucking jump, but that's fucking unbelievable. Why does, why is, I'm too fucking stupid to even ask the question. You know what I'm asking. Can somebody help me with my scientific background? I really would like to be able to explain shit.

I just don't understand it. Maybe I should just remain ignorant. So much of the world just seems magical to me because I don't understand basic laws of physics. Like how a plane stays up in the air. I just, I just don't understand it. It's heavier than I am. I can't fly.

You know? Don't even send me a fucking email about the lift and surfing on the air. I don't get it. It's just something I'm never going to understand. All right, last week we talked about a shitty neighbor. This is going to be a short podcast everybody. I mean, I don't know what to talk about.

I'm burnt out. A shitty neighbor and how I handled it. Hey Bill and the lovely Nia. Love the podcast. My wife and I have an awful downstairs neighbor that has a long history of randomly threatening people, much like the asshole's neighbor in last week's podcast. We ignored him until one day he banged on the floor

and scared the piss out of my sweet little mother-in-law who was visiting. Yeah, they always seemed to like to pick on women. You know? Fucking pussies. I stewed for an hour until my mother-in-law left and I went down there and basically dared this guy to punch me. That's awesome.

Because he has to hit you first as you noted. That's right. That's right. But I don't know what happens if you ask somebody to punch him in the face. Then, I mean, isn't he just kind of helping you out there? I don't know. There's so much shit I don't understand.

Obviously, he didn't do anything because he's a fat creep who sweats butter. That's why I had the confidence to challenge someone to fist the cuts for the first time since grade school. So nothing happened. Just a lot of yelling, but he did, but he did sputter. Next time I see you, I'm going to kick your fucking ass. Oh, I love that.

Next time I see you. What are you busy right now, fatty? What do you got to do? You got a couple more fucking steak-hums on the stove you don't want to burn? There's nothing better than beating up a fatty because it doesn't even hurt your hands. You know, he's sitting there wheezing.

You just feel like you're beating up a beanbag. You know? It's tremendous. I'm not advocating it. I'm not advocating beating down the obese. I'm just saying to do it if there are assholes, if you want to. It's your choice, ladies and gentlemen.

So anyways, so I started laughing and he slammed the door in my face. That's perfect. Next time I see him, he kicked my ass. He just laughed in his face. Oh, that poor fat bastard. I bet he went in there, ate a burger while watching a porno jerking off. He was so depressed. So when I see him now, I stop and laugh and ask him,

is it time for you to kick my ass, tough guy? Oh, this guy's brilliant. I hope the person from last week is listening because this guy, this guy's doing it. He's doing it perfectly. He says, I've even seen him hide in his car to avoid talking to me. So your advice, Bill, has worked great. Oh, it's my advice?

Wait a minute. Did I read this wrong? Did you just fucking do this? Oh, look at this. Did I help this guy out? Thank God. So laughing is working out for this guy. Um, what the fuck is it?

Oh, Jesus Christ. Don't we scroll down. Come on, Bill. Um, so whenever I look at him now, I stop and ask him, is it time to kick my ass? Um, oh, he says tough guy is the key phrase because it's so condescending. As for Nia's advice to win the heart and mind of the guy's wife, which I also thought was great.

My neighbor has a high school age kid that sometimes visits. I don't know what the relation is, but whenever I see this kid playing soccer outside, I say hello, crack a joke, ask him about real Madrid because he always wears their gear. Uh, these 20 sec, these 22nd conversation drive my neighbor nuts. I can see him peering out the window at us. Oh dude, you're killing this guy.

The neighbor has been emasculated, neutralized. The cops never got involved. And I never even had to ground and pound with a greasy retiree. Bill and Nia equal perfect advice. No wonder you guys are such a good pair. Oh, isn't that nice? Dude, this guy killed it. I don't know if we told you all that last week.

I think, uh, I think you had a natural talent for that. So there you go. Laughing, calling somebody tough guy. Oh, what I love is you've made this guy's life so miserable that not only does he not even knocking on the ceiling anymore, he's now, he actually hides from you. Oh, and the shame. So you know what that means is this guy fantasizes

about what he wishes he could do to you and he can't, which makes him even more miserable, which probably makes him eat more, which makes him fatter. You know, which is one day going to neutralize the entire problem because he's going to be too fat to lift that roast beef of a fucking arm up to even hit the ceiling. You know? Oh, wow.

Anyways, dude, my lips are so fucking dry right now. It's ridiculous. And I'm one of those guys that believes in that urban myth that if you use chapstick, there's something in there that makes you addicted to it and that your lips, you know, it's like if you're constipated, you know what I mean? And you keep taking those pills so you can shit. If you do it too much, your body just goes,

you don't need to make whatever the fuck it is that we make to make you, you know, be able to shit, and then you got to take them. You know? You never take, you know, if you're constipated, you never take those pills. It's very simple. You just do it how the Romans used to do it. All right? You wade into a stream.

All right? You face your ass up, River. You stick or read up your ass. And you fill your ass with river water. All right? You know, if that doesn't clean out your system, then you weren't meant to shit ever again. Okay? And the great thing is it's all natural. That's what they, that's not what actually they used to do.

That's what they used to do before when they needed like an enema or what do they call that when people have a colonic? They used to do that back in the day. That's how they did it back in the days. They took a fucking, they took a read. They waded in the river. They had their ass pointed towards the current and then they jammed a read up their ass.

They just stood there. And just accepted as much of the river up their ass as they could. And then they just, they just, you know, shit confetti going down the river. You know, and that was probably the first environmental disaster. See people, you got to know your history. Or else you doomed to repeat it. Oh God, 33 minutes in.

Yeah, so my fucking lips are, uh, I've been using this shit since last week. Cause, uh, last week when I was in New York, I was driving all the gigs and it was cold out. So I had the heat on and rather than having it on defrost is what I usually do. I had the vent on and I dried out my lips. So I bought this shit and ever since,

ever since I bought it, it's like my fucking lips keep drying out and I keep using it. And I'm drinking plenty of water, you know? I'm telling you, I really believe in that. So, uh, you know, fuck chapstick. Alright, that's reverse advertising everybody. Fuck that one and it's aish. Um, alright, more advice.

Hey Bill, buy in a car. By the way, how great is the advice now? Now that we finally stopped with the relationship stuff. I'll eventually come back to it, but you know, I'll give you guys moronic advice on everything. And once again, you're on your own. Okay, I'm not an expert on any of this shit. Alright, buy in a car.

Dear Bill, I'm a 19 year old Taekwondo instructor and full time student in Queens College. I live in, uh, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, in my dojo. Is that how you spell dojo? D-O-J-A-N? Dojan? I don't know. I'm gonna say dojo, because that's what I've always heard.

Um, dojo and college couldn't be farther apart. I recently bought a Mazda Projet, um, year 2000 from my aunt. Oh god. Never, never buy a fucking shit box from a relative. It's never gonna end good. I don't like the way this is going already. I had it recently in the shop for the entire first month and it was officially mine and I did over $2,000 of repair.

New suspension, rear brakes, sensors, etc. What the fuck are sensors? I don't even know about cars anymore. Um, on it in order for it to hopefully cut down on my travel time and last a couple of good years. It broke down in Long Island after the first full month of use. Fuck me. So, I wanted to ask you, if you had any advice on another car you could buy,

uh, where I could look to buy one that won't fuck me, that won't fuck me over, because seriously, fuck family, and any tips you could give me on saving for the car would be greatly appreciated. Yeah, dude. Um, I don't know what it is about family. It's like, they love you and they have your back, except when it comes to selling you a car, because they will fuck you over.

Um, I saw it when I was a kid. Um, you know, I just, it's, I don't know what it is. They just, first of all, you buy it from your aunt, she's older, they don't know shit, and they think it's a great, I don't know, or maybe they just completely fuck you over. This is what I would, this is what, this is what I do. When I, when I bought used cars, is don't buy anything flashy, because it's got the shit kicked out of it.

I stuck with Toyotas and Hondas, because those things will last 200,000 miles easy if you change the oil. And then, like I bought, um, what did I do? I bought at 1988 Honda Accord in 1997. So it was nine years old, and it already had 100,000 fucking mile, or 80 something miles, 1,000 miles on it or something. And I bought it, it was four door, nothing flashy. It was like a family car.

Um, I would definitely, if I was going to buy a used car, I would go with a, a Toyota or a Honda that has been well maintained. That's what the fuck I would do. And you, and then you got to pay some money. All right. If you're going to go under six, $7,000, I mean, Jesus, you just buying somebody else's fucking problems, just go out and get a loan. You'll get some credit.

And believe me, just pay off the fucking loan. It's going to be a lot less cheaper. There was nothing even funny in that. That's just what I'll tell you. All right. At least they make the American cars better now, but I don't know. I'm, I'm fucking jaded when it comes to that shit, because, uh, I came up in the 80s when they started making American cars disposable,

one of the worst fucking things they could ever do. Like the car was literally designed to shit the bed at 80,000 fucking miles, while the, uh, Japanese were making them to last 200,000. So do the fucking math. It's a terrible fucking time. Oh my God. That was such a terrible time. And then they shrunk down Cadillacs to make him the size of a Chevy citation.

Dude, I know I bring up this car all the time, the fucking American cars. I don't know what happened to them. They, they made during that period, they like, like those cars, like I watch when I watch those, uh, those auctions on TV. There's no cars from the fucking 80s that are American. The only thing you'll see, you'll see like a, uh, like the Buick Grand National. There's one that was the top of the line one that, that like to this day could beat most cars. You know, just a fucking badass looking car.

And, um, that one has retained its value. There's, there's very few, but like, I don't even know what a fucking Impala looked like in the 80s. No one gave a fuck, but Impala's from the early 70s all the way back to like 1958 and 59. Everybody loves him. Um, I don't know. So they used, they made this Chevy citation and they forgot to put the fucking radio in. So they had to turn it like, like sideways.

I'll try to put a picture of that up on the website, but, um, I don't know. Yeah, that's my advice to, I would, I would go with the Toyota or a Honda and I would pay like seven, eight grand for the fucking thing. And I would buy it off somebody, um, and, and don't be afraid if it has like a hundred thousand fucking miles on it. Cause if somebody maintained it, that thing's going to, that thing can go 300,000 miles. You know, um, that's what I would do. All right.

Good luck to you. And don't buy it off your fucking relatives cause they, they'll fuck you over as you've seen. All right. There you go. That was like a public service announcement there. Uh, advice. Hey, Bill.

I love your comedy. I look forward to it. All right. It gets me. Jesus Christ. Where they, okay. I want to ask you some questions. We'll ask it.

I'm 25 years old and have been married for two years to a great woman, no kids yet. Uh, we live very close to all of her family, parents, grandparents, cousins, all of them. Oh Jesus. Yeah. Absolutely. That can be a fucking nightmare. All right. You better, you better have the ground rules down.

All right. And be like, listen, I know your family fucking lives right around the corner, but this is my fucking house. All right. It's my fucking house. They only come around on the holidays. Don't just show up like Kramer on Seinfeld. It's not to be, be none of that.

So anyways, her grandmother is planning this big three day long family reunion this summer. And as much as I love my wife, I would rather take a shit on a hooker's toilet than go to this thing. Absolutely. Dude, you're surrounded by him. I spend far too much time with her family as it is. And worst of all, I think it might conflict with when you come to do a show in my hometown. I told her today that I've heard you reunion is the same weekend that you come to town

that I will just have to skip the reunion. Good man. Uh, she let me have it for about how important this is to her. This is what they do. This is what they do. Um, how her family comes first. And if I was a good person, I would go to the reunion and then she started to cry. Oh dude, she hit you with both barrels.

Both barrels. Dude, uh, this is all fucked up. I'm actually going to whisper in my lovely woman is fucking four states away. I had this fucking argument. I had this argument fucking a week ago. All right. Oh my God. You got to get to the post.

You got to get to the mailbox first and look for those fucking wedding invitations. All right. And you get that and you just rip it up and fire it over the fucking fence. All right. I didn't do that. All right. I saw it. I knew it was an invitation and she gets this fucking invitation to go to a goddamn wedding.

All right. In the middle of fucking nowhere. All right. And I said, I'm not going. I'm not going. And then she starts telling me how important these people are to her. And I said, give me a fucking break. They're important to you.

I've never heard you say their names. I don't even recognize these names. How can this be important? How can the, and then she, and then she starts feigning. She just did the exact fucking same thing short of the crime. You know, I would think that you would want to go with this to me is important and blah, blah, blah. It's like sweetheart, I spend my life in airports on airplanes. I don't want to go to an extra fucking thing.

Okay. Tell him to put it on Skype and I'll sit there and watch it with you. I don't want to fucking go to it. All right. So let me ask, do we ask them to go to any shit? Like I would never drag my girl to a football game. She hates it. But I said, this is really important to me.

If you're a good person, you go and tailgate and get drunk with me. It's fucking ridiculous. I don't want to go. So anyways, then she started to cry. He said, I have got a lot of, a lot of this shit since I got married. Yeah, I could tell you that too because you're 25. You know, you're 25. If you're 25 and you get fucking married, a woman is going to be 10 years beyond you just knowing how to fucking roll over you in a relationship.

But not all is not lost. All is not lost. Let me finish this. If anything happens in her family, I have to be there even if it's as small as her cousin graduating from the third grade. I'm sick of it. I mean, I really hate doing stuff like this. She knows I don't like it. But if I was just a flat out teller, I hate it, it would break her heart.

All right. So you're a decent guy. Okay. I would hate to do that because she's my wife and I love her. All right. Is he a good guy thinking about her? Okay. And I see my family and I see my family about once a year since they live on the other side of the country.

She just doesn't understand that I did not grow up in a family where we spend a ton of time together. So shit life family reunions doesn't mean that much to me. I feel like those ladies should understand that if I miss one weekend with them to see my favorite comedian who I might not get a chance to see again in a very long time, then that's all right. How do I let her know how I feel and get her to give me some space and not crush my balls about going to all of her family stuff? All right, dude. This is what you do. Your heart, your heart's in the right place. You don't want to hurt her.

Okay. And I'm going to kind of side with your wife on this one in that, not really siding with her, but you picked the wrong one to put your foot down on. All right. What you had to do is put your foot down on, you know, little Mikey just made his first fucking popsicle stick house. We all have to go over and look at it. That's something that you can blow off like a major family reunion. You kind of got to go to that. You got to be by her side.

Okay. So that she can prove that. See, I got one. He loves me. Right. So this is what you what you are right now. You're in a great position to barter. Okay.

Okay. Because you're going to make the sacrifice and not see in my shell. Okay. So this is what you tell her. Just say, listen, my favorite comedian is coming to town. Just like you said, I might not get another chance to see him, but because this is so important to you, I want to be there for you. So I will go. Okay.

And she'll say, yeah, thank you. And then you say, however, all right, this is when you barter and just say all this. I don't know how to say this eloquently because I just have to get to the point. All this fucking bullshit, these cunty little stupid ass fucking things. I don't give a fuck about you. I don't want to go to them anymore. Okay. I work all day.

I come home. I want to chill out. I don't know your family. I don't know. I married you. Okay. You want to go to the, you know, the Oscars of your family reunion. I will go to that shit.

Okay. Your dad gets a new colostomy bag. I'm not showing up to that. I, I, I am not going to all of them. I will go to some major ones. I will go to Christmas time. I'll put on the sweater. All right.

But this fucking 24 seven all the fucking time. Susie fuck face is having a birthday party. I'm not going to it. I'm staying home and I'm watching the game. Okay. Because it's making me miserable and I want to be happy with you. All right. And this is the thing.

We might give you shit about that, but no, you got to, you got to put your foot down and let her cry about it. All right. And just say this isn't fair to me. This isn't fair to me that all of my free time involves being with your family. All right. I don't know how you say it, dude. You got to figure out how to say it's fucking boring.

Good Lord going over there. I don't like the smell of their house. I don't like their food. I don't like the color of their plates. I just want to get the fuck out of there. I'm not comfortable. You are. Go over there.

They probably don't even like you going over there. You know, they want their girl over there. So fucking go over there. So that's what I would do. Just play her game. All right. My show is as important to you as that fucking thing. So why don't you cry?

No, I can't do that. But you know what I'm saying. Just flip it around. Just be like, all right. Well, I want you to know that I'm missing my favorite fucking comedian to go to this thing. Okay. And I will go to this thing. Okay.

I am only going to the major ones. Okay. Because I love you when I support you. But this ticky tack fucking horse shit. That's all you. I'm not I'm not doing that. Okay. Because I need a life outside of this outside of your family.

All right. Go fuck yourself. Love you. Love you buttons. I'll see you later. There you go. How's that? Was that work?

Overrated underrated for the week. Overrated school. School is nothing but a waste of time and money. I graduated school last summer and now I go to community college. My dad harasses me every day to get my ass up and listen to an old ass man talk about something that has nothing to do with my career. I am a model and an actress and I don't know what the fuck to do with 2x plus 4 equals 8. What does that have to do with me remembering my lines?

I swear I hate that place so much. All right. Underrated. Well I don't know. It's really school isn't overrated. It's I think I don't if you want to be a model and an actress. Yeah you shouldn't. Why the fuck you take an algebra.

But algebra isn't overrated. You need algebra. You need geometry. Without geometry we couldn't build shit so it's not overrated. I think what you should have said was it was annoying. But good luck with your modeling and acting career. I hope I see you at the fucking Oscars. All right.

And don't get naked. Don't do that. Don't whore it up. Keep it classy. That'll make that'll set you apart from this ocean of whores. Like just how like mainstream dressing like a whore has become. You know and how successful you can come become by just being a fucking skank. Like that raven haired chick right who needs to be steam cleaned.

Because she's blown every six round draft pick out there. Underrated going to school with a slight buzz. I hate school so much that one day I decided to steal some of my dad's liquor. I must admit that school was a bit more amusing that day. So I continued to do it. Now I know that might sound like I have a problem but I really don't care. Whatever gets me through the day I'm cool with it. Oh dude that's a dangerous fucking.

That's a dangerous road to go down. You know. Obviously school sucks. It's boring. You want to get the fuck out of there. You know. You want to go drink and fuck something. You're a human being.

Right. But when you start out I don't know. Being able to be hammered or being high you know. First time you smoke a joint you're able to actually function without freaking out. You get away with it and you think it's fucking awesome. It really isn't. It isn't. You got too much freedom so I would advise not to do that.

But you know what you didn't ask me for my advice so I don't give a fuck. How's that. How's that. What are we up to here. 50 fucking one minutes nine more goddamn minutes. Hey can anybody explain to me why NBA basketball is so fucking long. Did I ask that question yet. It's the only one when you jump from college to pro it becomes longer.

College football is four 15 minute quarters college hockey is three 20 minute quarters. And as far as I know college baseball is nine innings. College hoop is two 20 minute halves. And then you go to the pros and they add those eight excruciatingly boring fucking minutes. Why did why did why did they do that. I was actually watching I watched a lot of college hoop watch the Kansas game. Was it Kansas Missouri. And I watched Kentucky play somebody else fucking the most exciting bad like I love college

basketball 20 20 you're done. It's like the first half is over so fucking quick. And then when you're in the second half it becomes crunch time so much quicker. The crowds are going crazy. That's one of my goals man I want to go to where the J Hawks play and I want to go to Kentucky. I went to Indiana Hoosiers game a long time ago when I was on the road when Bobby Knight was still coaching. And he was screaming at the kids and I was fucking getting angry watching. I mean it's going like there's no way I could I could play for a guy like that screaming at me like that.

You know I have to I have like a temper as bad as his that that would be a bad fucking mix. But yeah if anybody can answer me that question is it just strictly for money. I don't understand. The fuck was all I got to talk about the rest of the advertising here people. Try to make this amusing here. Try to make it a little funny here game fly dot com. This is nothing that you guys have been really responding to. You know I'm really trying to get stuff that you guys are interested in.

So you won't be bored during these ads and then also you know all these things are going to come with a discount. So I'm trying to hook you up. So if you have any suggestions of shit that you like you know that you want to discount on. Maybe I can get them to advertise my podcast here game fly dot com everybody. That's where it's the video rental system that delivers video games to your door and now PC games right to your PC. See that how how much easier can it get people. Just sit there on the couch like Brad Pitt and true romance and they're just going to bring it right to you. Game fly has over 8000 titles to choose from 8000 different games.

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Go to www dot game fly dot com slash burr B. You are all lowercase. All right. Go in there. You sign up 8000 video games 15 day free trial. God bless you. America. And here you go.

My favorite of all favorites. Skate Fender everybody. Skate Fenders are this is this is the stuff I've been using playing hockey although I haven't played hockey the last couple weeks because of Murphy's law because I know I have to. I got to take my special so I've never hurt myself knock on wood. You know but God knows if I'm gonna it's going to be the week of my special and I've never seen a comedian with the torn ACL ever give a good performance during a comedy special. Other than Joe DeRosa. A lot of people don't know on Joe DeRosa's last half hour special. I actually I think it's his only one.

You know he's like Shade. He does like one every eight years. You know he goes into hiding. You know like like a true artist that he is. You know. You know he makes his own easels. That's how much of an artist. The teen idol sensation Joe DeRosa is.

What was I talking about what it was. Oh yeah he blew out his ACL. He was he was jerking off right and he was about ready to come and you know his fucking legs got so tight and he doesn't work out. It just it just snapped and evidently it enhanced his orgasm. But he had to do a special the next day and you know you never want to know it. Like fucking Willis Reid man. He just limped right through it and out the fuck am I talking about. Skate Fender dot com everybody.

Skate Fenders. How many hockey players are out there. Right. You play hockey like me. You skate around. Front words backwards. Give me the puck. I hate this guy.

Why doesn't he pass. He's so selfish. Right. Is there anything worse than taking a puck to the foot. You know you got padding everywhere. But for some reason you don't have it there. I've always wondered that. Why the hell don't they do something to protect your foot.

Evidently studies have shown that taking a hundred mile an hour slap shot to the foot is like being shot by a 22 caliber. If you haven't taken one half that speed. OK. I don't care how much of a man you are. You collapse to the ground. Watch hockey. Watch NHL hockey.

When someone takes a slap shot off the foot. It looks like they get shot. They just collapse to the ground because it's like you got shot in the foot with a 22 caliber. Well the wonderful people over at Skate Fender. They created these things. Skate Fenders. And I tried them out last week as I said. It fits right over your foot molds right to your foot.

You know. Three different sizes. You put it on. They're lighter than socks. You can't even tell you're wearing them. And then one day you're out there and somebody takes a slap shot. You take it off your foot dude and it's like Christmas. You can't feel it.

You mean you know you got hit but you can't. It's like getting hit with the shin guard. It doesn't even hurt. Okay. So there you go. And not to mention 19 of the 30 teams in the NHL are already wearing them. Okay. And who's kidding who.

Most of us the NHL dream is over. You got a real day job. Do you want to walk in there with one swollen foot and give that presentation? You don't. All right. Be the first one to get them. All right. And this is what you do.

It's affordable for all players at all levels. And if you use the Bill Burr promo code you will get $5 off. What is the promo code? What the hell is it? It's effective in reducing painful, debilitating, impact injuries. Do I have the thing? Used by professional teams including the Detroit Red Wings. What the hell is my promo code?

I don't know. I don't know what the hell it is. But if you use it you get $5 off. Who cares? Just go there. Protect your damn feet. I'm using them. They're tremendous.

And if you notice on my special, I will not be limping because I wear skate fenders. All right. And that's it. That's the podcast for this week, everybody. I got a great feeling about this special, everybody. I really do, man. I'm going hard. I'm not holding back.

And I think I got it, man. I got that perfect balance of going off on shit that nobody gives a fuck about. You know, neutral, whatever. I got that perfect balance. You know, neutral, whatever. I got some bunch of self deprecating shit. I got some silly shit. I got personal shit.

And then I got a nice fucking rant. You know, it's like a great meal. You got your veggies. You got your fucking toothpaste. And you got your fucking twat sitting right there across the table. She ain't going to pay, is she? Huh? Stop acting like you're going for your wallet like you're going to pay.

Yeah, that's something I never pulled. You know, back when I used to go on dates, you know, when I slicked back, when I had a full head of red hair and I'd slick it back like Clark Kent, you know, I did that too. You know, like Superman, you know, when I did stand up, I parted it on the left side. And when I went on a date, I was on the right side. You know, it wasn't even funny. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. What am I talking about here?

I got a special coming out, everybody. I'm taping it next week and I'm fucking ready to go. All right. I got a button down shirt. I got a pair of jeans and some new shoes and I'm fucking doing this thing. All right. I'm gonna fucking do this thing and then I am drinking on the plane and we're landing in St. Louis and I'm going to be taken off in cuffs.

That's my game plan for next week. All right. So you guys go fuck yourselves. Well, before I say that, thank you for doing all this stuff. I really appreciate the everybody going to Amazon.com. It's such a great thing to be able to, you know, make a little money on this podcast and then actually do a good thing with some of the money. You know what I mean?

I'm not going to lie to you. I'm keeping most of the money. All right. And I'm saving up for one of those new Roland electronic drum kits. That's my next thing that I'm going to buy, although I have to get that by Nia. Where are we going to put it? It's too big. I know, but it's fun.

Oh, you know what? I actually bought a new drum pedal. I'm going to let you guys know about this thing because I've been trying to do that JoJo mayor thing. I'm getting back into that, trying to get my bass drum speed up. I just want to be able to do three in a row fucking solid and really quick. You know what I mean? I just want to be that guy and let people listen to you play.

Like, you got a double pedal? No, I dump. That's one foot. Huh? That's one foot. And then I can do that other thing. You see that shit with people just do that little rocking back and forth and they get that hi-hat splash and sound?

All right. That was for the three drummers who listened to this fucking thing. All right. I'll see you guys this week. Go fuck yourselves. Don't take any shit. I'll see you next week and I'll let you know how the special goes. And I'm going to be on vacation for four days.

Four days I am off and then I am working on some other project that has nothing to do with comedy. If you live in Los Angeles and you'd like to watch me bomb trying out my new stuff all during March, you'll see me. I'll be dipping in and out of the comedy store on Sunset. That is it. Hear the excitement? I'm ready.

I'm fucking... I'm in the whatever. Whatever the fuck you say. I'm ready to do this. And I'm babbling because I'm not excited. All right. I'll talk to you next week. I'll let you know how it goes.

I already said that for the love of God. Shut up. I'll see you next week.