Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 2-27-17

Episode Date: February 28, 2017

Bill rambles about Daytona, texting and taking back roads.

Hey, what's going on, it's Bill Byrne and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast. February 27th, 2017, what's going on, how are you? How's it going? Sorry, the podcast is a little bit late this week. The fucking checkout was 10 a.m. at this place I was staying at and I thought I could sleep till 10 and then do the fucking podcast and leave at noon. That's what I thought. I'm sorry, am I still in America? Checkout time is maybe 11. Where the fuck is it? 10 a.m. The fuck is Trump not president anymore? I mean, I thought this was something that he thought he was going to make it great again. Make it great again, have me check out at one in the fucking afternoon. Won't you sign an executive order for that, your orange-headed cunt? How about that? This podcast, it's not funny, it's sad, it's a lonely man by himself.

Sorry for the bad Trump impression. Anyways, I am in Gainesville, Florida right now and you're probably wondering, Bill, what the fuck are you doing in Gainesville, Florida? Home with the Florida Gators, you know? You're there on a fucking Monday and it's not football season, why are you here? Because I have to do the make-up date for the show that I was going to do back in November when I was going to go to the Florida Gators game down there at the fucking swamp. I was going to do that and go to the Florida Gator LSU game and that game got rained out, whatever, they had a fucking hurricane and everybody freaked out because Jacksonville was going to get the shit kicked out of them. Gainesville was, you know, as far as I'm concerned, was safe, you know, with my complete lack of a meteorological background, is that the right word? I don't know. So I'm back here. I'm back here, you know, in February when nothing's going on. Oh shit, what about that team? What if that fucking team has a basketball team as a game tonight?

Maybe that's what's going on. I don't fucking know. Anyways, I'm here in fucking Gainesville. I had a great time this whole weekend being out there in Daytona, Daytona Beach, Florida. And Jesus Christ too. Some of the fucking locals in Daytona, your heart just goes out to them. You know what I mean? It's just these, it's all those people that people in Hollywood trash, you know what I mean? It's just a bunch, you know, a lot of fucking white people that are just Jesus. Life is just fucking kicked the shit out of them. Not saying everybody, but I'm just saying. I fucking came into town and fucking walking down the street the first night. I got video of this. I'm walking. There's like a fight about ready to break out outside of a pizza joint. And everybody there is like my age, except they look my age. You know what I mean?

They might have a better hairline, which isn't hard with me, but they're just fucking fat. Fucking big fat fucking, what's that? Prilosex shit that people eat? That's what it's called? That shit Larry the Cable Guy talks about, right? He goes fucking Prilosex ATC. When you fucking go out and you eat a whole fucking pig in your stomachs like what the fuck did you just do to me? Rather than not eating a whole fucking pig again, you can take this shit and it'll make it feel like eating a whole pig yourself is okay. That shit. They had those bodies. A lot of cargo shorts that were just frayed at the bottom, a lot of bad tattoos, a lot of fucking people that look like even if they weren't on drugs. You know when people do drugs for so fucking long, there's only so coherent that you can get back to.

We went to this fucking restaurant right on the strip and this fucking lady, Jesus Christ. If she wasn't high, she had just done so many fucking drugs. She brought the fucking wings over, right? And they were like, they weren't ice cold, they were room temperature, which is fucking ice cold. And I'm like, yeah, and I hate sending food back. We're sitting in this fucking restaurant, right? And we're sitting in, it's like basically a NASCAR. Because they had to go to Daytona 500 the next day, right? It's like a NASCAR that they cut in half and put a booth in the middle of it, right? Assumption. I don't know what the fuck it is. And we looked up later and every day, this was the worst restaurant. Nate ended up going to this fucking thing, ended up being the worst restaurant. It wasn't bad.

I ordered the fucking, it looked shady. And the music they were playing, they were playing like ZZ Top. She's got legs. They played George Thurgood twice. They played, yes, owner of a lonely heart. I was just sitting there, it felt like it was 1985. I was joking on stage that night. I was waiting fucking Marty McFly to come walking in. Key word there, fly. And there was just some guy walking around sort of mouthing the words to this George. And it wasn't even a good George Thurgood song. It wasn't Bad to the Bone or whatever that fucking whiskey, one Scotcher, one beer. It wasn't that one. It was that cover. My back door. Now my bitch don't come no more. Moving on over.

Rocking on over. It's just sitting there going, oh my God. The waitress fucked up every possible way she could have fucked up other than just blowing her nose into the bread. I mean, other than that, every fucking thing you could do, she fucked up. It was hilarious. I felt bad for her. I could see, you know, she just, you know, we all do it. We all do it in my business. We stay out there too long. Madonna did it, you know, she's still twerking. She's like 60. It's like Madonna for the love of fucking God. Can you dress your age? Okay. Can you have a shred of fucking decency for yourself so that people can just in a general sense look in your direction?

You know what I mean? There was a bunch of guys down on Daytona Beach dressing the way Madonna was dressing. There was a bunch of fucking guys my age still wearing tank tops where your arms have no muscle definition anymore. It's just, it looks like, you know what it looks like? It looks like, you know, when somebody has like cankles, you know, that part of the leg where it just, you know, there's no shape to the calf. That's what the arm looks like. And it's all fucking flabby and just these awful, horrific fucking tattoos. Just shit. You pick off a wall. Somebody with the shakes just puts it on your fucking arm and so she comes over.

By the way, when you go into a place like that, because once I sit down, I'm not leaving, just go with the grilled cheese. You get a grilled cheese sandwich and what can they do? You know what I mean? Fucking Nate ordered a hamburger and I was just like, all right, dude. You know, but if you get fucking Ebola, I mean, I don't want to hear you bitching about it or whatever. Equal life, whatever you get. I knew it was something with an E. So she comes over and she's just like, hey, well, it was like one in the afternoon, the sun just fucking blazing through the windows. She's just like, hey, welcome. I'm going to be a waitress for this evening. And she caught herself saying evening and she just fucking plowed forward.

You know, we're going specials here. It was like listening to a cell phone going in and out, right? And she brings the fucking orders over and she kept going, how's your meat? I've never heard anybody say that. I ordered a burger and the wings. I got a little dangerous with the fucking wings and I had the grilled cheese sandwich. And I think it was just too much for a fucking blown out brain to try to remember what kind of protein we ordered. So she just kept coming over, going, how's the meat? She came over, she gave me the burger, she gave Nate the fucking grilled cheese sandwich.

We had to swing that fucking thing around. The chicken was fucking stone cold. And she just, she started to like turn sideways when she fucked up the order and she was like almost trying to hide behind her own shoulder. She's like, I'm sorry, I have the manager to take it off and really apologize. And she fucking disappears and comes back two seconds later, which was a big thing in Daytona. Ordering food that should have taken at least 15 minutes and it returned in like two seconds. It was very disturbing because the first night when we saw those fucking old guys with the flabby arms pushing each other outside that fucking pizza parlor. Well, let me, I'll take you through the whole fucking shit show.

We went into this place that we thought was a Hooters, a fucking Hooters. And I'm like, I'm not eating it here. Any place that is sort of in the sex industry, it's got one foot in the sex industry. I'm not ordering food in. So I went in there and got a beer and we walked in and the chicks didn't have Hooters, but they all had asses. And they had shorts like up their ass, like half their fucking ass was hanging out. And it was just, you know, it was a shit show. And we're trying to figure it out.

We're like going, what the fuck, what the kind of fucking Hooters is, is Hooters finally admitting that hip hop went mainstream about 25 years ago. And now they're focusing on asses. And it wasn't until the next day we walked out, we realized it wasn't a Hooters. It was some wings joint. And I think they're going to put Hooters out of business because I don't think people care about titties anymore. You know what I mean? Plus you can have a nice rack and like your fucking ass can be as flat as a goddamn fucking desk, a desktop, right? You know what I mean?

So then what do you get? Then you just got, you got to get a pair of tits, you know? What are you going to do with that? I love an ass. And you can't have a nice ass and be out of shape. It just doesn't fucking work. That is the nucleus of the body. If that's fucking in shape, then everything else is fine.

You can have a fucking pair of tits on you, you know what I mean? And it can just be a shit show when you go south. You know what I mean? That's like guys, you know, guys when they fucking, they keep lifting weights, you know? And they just keep trying to keep their chest out in front of their beer belly and they keep pushing the jeans down further and further. So they still have their 32 inch jeans, you know? By the way, I think white people were the first one to wear saggy jeans, you know? I think we were the first ones to do it.

And that was with the guys who just refused to buy a 34 inch, then a 36, 38 inch waist. They just kept pushing it down and letting their fucking stomach come out over the top. So anyways, she's like hiding behind her shoulder going, I'm sorry, I haven't managed to take it out. So she fucking, oh no, I remember what I was trying to say. Yeah, how quickly the food came. So the night before we went out, after we left the fucking, the bar where these girls had to walk around with half of their fucking ashes hanging out. And now that I'm a dad, it was even worse.

I just kept thinking, what if my daughter ends up working? This is fucked up. I wanted to meet the father of all these guys and be like, what did you do that had them end up here? So I don't do it. So my daughter doesn't end up here. So we go down the fucking street and we go to this other fucking bar. They're like, they got a biker bar down there because, you know, Daytona has that fucking crazy biker week and some shit out here.

And I'm just like, all right, I am not a biker and I'm not going to go in there and get fucking, you know, I don't know, a pool cube fucking shoved in my ear. I don't need this shit, right? So we go to this other bar, it's sort of a sports bar. We walk in, everything's cool. So I ordered some food. I go, let me get the, what's, what's the raw tuna? It's not sashimi. Is it tuna tartare?

Tartare? Is that what I ordered? You know, in, you know, this fucking sports bar, why would you, why would you order raw fish in a place like that? It's fucking nuts, but I did. And I ordered chips and salsa and I swear to God, this woman walked into the kitchen. They had the in, in the outdoor, you know, the swinging doors. She walked in there in the door and put it, put it, put it, put it. And then she came walking right back out with the fucking food, like too, like disturbingly.

Like it came back so fucking fast. The look on my face, Nate was fucking crying, laughing. And all I can say about the food is you shouldn't have to chew raw tuna. It should be like butter, like melts in your mouth kind of thing. And I, and I was chewing the shit out of it. So anyways, back to the fucking other place. You know, this is so stupid that I'm fucking shitting on the food there. When, when you're sitting in a fucking NASCAR that's been cut in half and they put a fucking booth in the middle of it.

Can you really complain about the food? Well, you know what? I have an hour to fill here, so I'm gonna. So this poor woman who, you know, probably had some shitty dad and she ended up doing drugs is trying to get her fucking order right. And you know, the guys walking around, milding the words, moving on over. And this guy in the corner starts eating this burger, dude. And I can't even tell the way he was fucking attacking this burger. I was crying, laughing.

And I had to, you know, I had to do like that, you know, you know, when you're with somebody and you're the person you're laughing at kind of catches you looking at him. And then you want your friend to look at him too. So you got to do like that kind of that stretch thing where you look back. Fortunately, it was a flat screen TV above his head. And I just sort of like, without even like a ventriloquist, just like, just turn around and look at the TV. You know, did like one of those things. And dude, the way this guy would, he attacked this burger like he, he lunged at it rather than like, it was almost like his, it was someone else was holding it was the way he's trying to steal a bite of somebody else's burger. That's the way this guy was eating.

Like his first bite into the burger, he fucking lunged at it so hard, he hit himself in the face with like the lettuce. They had this big piece of like fucking romaine lettuce hanging off to sell whatever the fuck it was, iceberg lettuce. And when he lunged in at it, like it fucking hit him in one of his eyes and he had to stop and blink. And then he just fucking, he came up higher and just lunged at it again. He was eating it like a, like a fucking Komodo dragon. You know, they just sort of fucking lunged at something. He just saw and rip away. It was a fucking animal.

And every time he would lunge at this thing, it was, I could not look at him and I was crying, laughing. And of course by three bites, he looked over and he caught me looking at him, laughing. And then I looked at Nate and I pointed at the menu like I was laughing like, oh my God, they have chicken fingers. Isn't that hilarious? Like I was trying to somehow get away from it, but long story short, the grilled cheese was all right. The fucking wings were horrific, even when they were actually heated up. They clearly made them hours ago, the way they came over fucking ice cold. And then they brought me some hot ones, like three seconds later.

And so the lady comes over and she picks up our check. She walks over the register and in that short amount of time, she already forgot where we were sitting. And then when she came back, you know, Nate picked up the check. She gave it back to me. It was just, it was fucking horrific, man. But other than that, Daytona Beach was beautiful. We did a show that night. I was gonna be like, what are you shitting on fucking Daytona for?

Because that's what I saw. I didn't know where to go. So anyways, I played the, I want to say Peabody Theater. Because where I'm from, that's how you say it, Peabody. Peabody Theater. It's like when you're in New York, it's Carnegie Hall. And when you're in Pittsburgh, it's Carnegie. All right?

When you're in Massachusetts, it's Peabody. And everywhere else, it's Peabody. So we played the Peabody Theater. I had a great time. Did an hour and 20 minutes, you know? All new shit. Shit that got left off of other hours. Just had a great fucking time.

The crowd was awesome. Got a bunch of heckles, but they were all great. I liked, I liked that shit. I don't mind when people yell out. You know, to a point, I don't mind it. And I had a good time. And I made a point of saying that, because sometimes people in the crowd were sorry

for all the fucking heckles. I enjoy it. I don't mind a lively drunk ass crowd. I'm a fucking drunk, okay? And now that I've shit on everybody, you know, that I met basically in a 12-hour period in Daytona, let's talk about the, we went to the race the next day. And by the way, thank you to everybody who came out to the show.

I mean, it was such a big fucking event the next day. I mean, there should have been three people in the crowd, so the fact that it was sold out was fucking amazing. So thank you to everybody. I will definitely be back, but I will not be eating at that fucking place with the cars that are sold in half. So anyways, plowing ahead here.

So the next day we go to the race, and we weren't really thinking that there's going to be 250,000 fucking people. That's like two and a half rose bowls all descending on the same fucking, the same place. So all the locals are going like, oh man, I'm just staying in tomorrow. That's going to be a shit show, blah, blah, blah, blah.

And when I had driven from the airport, you know, when you get off, what's so fucking cool, when you get off at the airport, you can actually hear them racing, you know? I think there was a truck race or some shit like that. If you land, you know, I didn't get into like fucking one in the morning or midnight actually. So the race was already over,

but when Nick got there, you could hear him racing. You pull out, you can see the fucking Daytona International fucking Speedway, which is amazing, right? Legendary place. And as you're driving by, there's all these fucking people in RVs and all that hanging out, wait to go on the race. And dude, these people do not fuck around.

The way they were doing it up, like it's the way I wish we did it at the Rose Bowl. Like I've never seen so many like, I mean legit, like you could, like a rock star could tour in some of these fucking mobile homes. And the setups that they had and the fucking flat screen TVs, you know, on the outside with the generator

and they had smokers going and everybody just having a great fucking time waiting for this race to happen. And evidently people who park on the infield can get there like something like a week or 10 days. They've just been in there. As these guys are fucking driving around the track, you know, getting ready to go to the race

and all that, you know, testing out their cars and shit, qualifying for pole position or whatever the fuck it is that they're doing. These people are sitting there like, you know, those are die-hard fans, right? So we ended up calling a fucking Uber. The venue the night before hooked us up with this guy, this driver, and he knew all these back ways to get there,

which was for a godsend. And he got us like right to where it says Daytona International Speedway. And Nate Bargazzi's like hooked up with some of those NASCAR guys and they came by about 20 minutes later. Picked us up in this little golf cart and just gave us the total VIP treatment. And this is the one thing I will say about NASCAR versus the NFL

is the level of fan access to all these different... You can walk right down under Pit Row. We were sitting on the track before the race, like a couple hours before the race. They let you go up there. Everybody was like taking pictures at the finish line. And one thing I couldn't believe was how fucking small it is as far as the width of it.

It's like these people will go three side-by-side, 200 miles an hour. They're out of their minds. You got to be right down there on Pit Row. I met Mario Andretti. Got to shake his hand. And that was another thing too, like just the array of like famous people that were there. I guess the appeal of NASCAR was fucking nothing.

NASCAR was fucking nuts. Like you'd see Mario Andretti, which makes sense. Race car driver. I saw Gronkowski. Guy Fieri. Who else? There was some fucking model, this gorgeous model there. Keanu Reeves.

Ladainian Tomlinson. It was just fucking, it was like all over the fucking map. Then you'd see like, oh, that guy's the senator of fucking, you know, whatever, South Carolina. We got to go in and, you know, we got to sit in on like the driver's meeting and all of that, which is really fucking interesting. I thought it was just going to be the drivers and like four of us,

but it was this giant fucking room where they let this whole crowd go into. It's just sitting there talking to the drivers going, all right, you know, there's been a lot of trying to bump guys off the track into the fucking stands. You got to stop doing that. I mean, I don't know. I didn't even know what they were saying.

I was kind of sitting behind the guy so I couldn't quite hear him, but I mean, I can't imagine going to like a fucking any NFL game. And you got to hear the referees talking to the head coaches before the game. You know, the NFL is like the goddamn CIA. You can't get anywhere near anything. So we ended up watching the race from the infield. And, you know, I knew some people there. At one point we were with the people from Cisco Brewery down on Nantucket.

If you ever go to Nantucket, crazy good beer and then they got this vodka. They have like this blueberry vodka and cranberry vodka that you fucking ladies going to love. And we hung with them for a while. And then we also were at this other fucking place and our view was absolutely insane. It was a bunch of fucking, I don't know, crashes and cautions. The fucking race took forever. But I don't know.

I still can't believe that I got to go to it. But thank you to everybody at NASCAR for hooking us up. And I'm trying to remember who the fuck won. Was it Kyle Busch? Kyle Busch won, right? I went there and I just rooted for fucking Dale Earnhardt Jr. You know, it's been so long since I watched NASCAR. I'm like, is Jeff Gordon still racing? He's like, nah, he's retired.

Like everybody I knew was gone. I watched it big time in the early fucking eighties, late seventies, early eighties, when it was like Bobby Allinson, Kale Yarborough, Harry Gantt, Richard Petty. I saw him win like his last Daytona 500, like 81 or something. Then Kale Yarborough won it two years in a row. Then it was the Bill Elliott era. And I don't know, somewhere around there I was trying to get through college and I started doing stand up and I kind of lost touch with it.

I still paid attention right through the Dale Earnhardt years. And I don't know, I haven't watched it in a minute, but it's fucking amazing, dude. The whole thing, it was just such an amazing experience. And I'm, I don't know, maybe I'll go to Talladega. Who knows? I think that one's in May. We'll see. But the big thing I was excited about was the fact that I was able to do like an hour and 20 minutes and not bore people with shit that they'd already heard before.

You know, that's like the big fear. When you go back out on the road, after you had a special come out, you're like, all right, how do I fucking do a bunch of new shit without fucking these people over? Sorry, I'm adjusting the microphone here without fucking these people over. And them still thinking that I was funny, especially after going on after Nate Bargazzi, who by the way is one of like six people that got half hours on Netflix. I think Netflix is trying to do like the HBO One Night Stands. So he was running his ready to tape special in front of me.

And that guy's one of the best joke writers I know and he fucking murdered. So I was relieved that I was able to go on after. Yeah, dope. Oh, I remember this shit. This one's actually sounded cool. All right. Secrets, crimes and audio tape. It's a podcast that has a different story every week. This week's story is called This Is Not a Banksy. It's about a guy who wakes up in the morning and realizes Banksy drew on his ass.

Who the fuck is Banksy? He gets it tattooed and now people want to collect his ass. It doesn't go well. It has high production values. It's funny and Mario Lopez is the guest star. Go listen to it. All right. This is why I like that podcast. It's because it sounds different and also the copy was nice and short.

Is Banksy, he's an artist, right? I only know this because Nia's into all that shit. Let me look this fucking up. So he drew on somebody's ass and then he had it tattooed. And now what? Who the fuck is Banksy? Banksy is an anonymous English-based graffiti artist, political activist and film director. If he's anonymous, how come they know who he is?

Of unverified identity. Oh, there you go. There's satirical street art and subversive. Well, then how the fuck did this guy know Banksy drew on his ass? Man, he's got great work. I'm going to judge him on the two that are on his Wikipedia page. Oh, these are amazing. What a talented son of a bitch.

He must be really shy. So he does this in England. What if it's somebody from the royal family? And the reason why they don't say it is because, you know, graffiti is looked down upon by the aristocrats. You know, stop drawing on our buildings. Maybe that's who it is. So I guess he drew on somebody's ass.

Somebody who knows him well. Well, I'm surprised the Illuminati doesn't kidnap that dude and his ass and goes, tell me who the fuck Banksy is. Tell me who Banksy is or I'll fucking scalp your ass in that painting and then your ass won't work and it won't be worth shit. How about that? No pun intended. All right, Dollar Shave Club, everybody.

There's no reason to use a cheap disposable razor or pay a ridiculously high price for some gimmicky thing that's got a laser pointer with 17 blades. Make the smarter choice and join Dollar Shave Club. Before Dollar Shave Club, it was either save money and get a painful shave from a disposable razor like the ones they give away free at the gym, which felt like shaving with a piece of fucking glass

or pay a fortune for the latest gimmicky shave breakthrough you don't need like a laser chin detector or 17 more blades or some shit. Dollar Shave Club is the best of both worlds. A premium shave at a disposable price. Get a close shave, get a close smooth shave every time and you can't beat the convenience or the price of the club. If you haven't tried Dollar Shave Club yet, you're missing out.

It's an amazing shave at an affordable price. There's no smarter choice on the market and right now they're giving away a one month trial for any of their razors for a dollar with free shipping, free. And after that, it's just a few bucks a month. There's no long-term commitments, no hidden fees and you can cancel whenever you want. Get your $1 trial at dollarshaveclub.com

slash burr, that's dollarshaveclub.com slash burr. Oh, look who's back everybody. It's my favorite, it's old zip. Recruiter? Are you hiring? Well, are you? Do you know where to post your job to find the best candidates? Posting your job in one place,

eh, it's not enough to find quality candidates. If you want to find the perfect hired, you need to post your job on all the top job sites and god damn it, now you can with ziprecruiter.com. You can post your job to 2200 plus job sites including social media networks like Facebook or the Twitter all with a single click. Find candidates in any city or industry nation.

Why, just post once and watch your qualified candidates roll into all zip. Easy to use, interface, no juggling emails or calls to your office, quickly screen candidates, rate them and hire the right person fast. Find out today why ziprecruiter has been used by Fortune 100 companies and thousands of small and medium-sized businesses

and right now, my listeners can post their jobs on ziprecruiter.com for free by going to ziprecruiter.com slash burr that ziprecruiter.com slash burr one more time, try it for free, go to zip pruder.com slash burr All right, is this the last one? Last leap and not leastly, ah, stamps.com

they're always the headliner. You know, I use stamps.com anytime I have a host, a poster I need to mail out, you know, I'm going to whore myself out meeting the people out there with their bad tattoos and their sweaty hands. Postage rates can have gone up again. That means trips to the post office

are an even bigger hassle, man, it's so crowded. But thanks to stamps.com, you don't got to worry about that shit. That's for the fucking peons. Not you, you're better than that. Right? You're in a suite eating a little surf and turf

next to the fucking orange cunt. Just use stamps.com to automatically calculate and print the correct amount of postage for every letter or package you send. Stamps.com brings all the services of the U.S. Postal Service right to your fingertips. They'll send you a digital scale. Oh my god, it's beautiful.

Automatically calculate exact postage. Stamps.com will even help you decide the best class of mail based on your needs. They give you postage discounts that you can't get at the post office including three cents off every first class stamp right now. Use my code burr for this special

offer four week trial that includes postage and a digital scale, sorry. Go to stamps.com, click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in burr that's stamps.com, enter burr and sign up today with stamps.com. You'll never, with stamps.com you'll never have to go to the post office

again or listen to me read out loud again during this fucking podcast. Alright, let me select all of this and then delete it so I can get to the fucking questions for this week. Dollar Shave Club was the first one. The first one was

the Banksy. Banksy fucking tattooed my ass. Alright, oh by the way everybody I mentioned lately that I'm going to be starting to post some videos up to my YouTube page. I'm going to bunch of videos from the Daytona 500 I'm going to have

at www.youtube.com slash user slash Monday morning podcast. I'm going to give the fucking video to my guy this week he's going to edit it and get the shit up there, okay? I'll tweet about it when it gets up there. Alright, so

speaking of stamps, I bought some stamps today. I did not use stamps.com I was driving from Daytona beach up here to Gainesville and rather than going like the highway way I took the longer route because I want to see some shit, right?

Like going by this fucking my brother told me it's called folk art I guess. I drove by this woman's house, so this guy's house. I don't know why I thought it was a woman but you don't have like a giant tyrannosaurus rex a fucking bull

kicking his legs up like all these giant things that you can put on your fucking lawn I guess. I don't know what all this crazy stuff. You don't see that when you take 75 north it's just going to be a bunch of Arby's. We got the meats it's going to be the same fucking 10 chains

and a goddamn Walmart. I've seen that a zillion times but if you take the old school the fucking Route 66 Jack Kerouac ways it takes longer but you see a bunch of cool shit. So I was fucking driving along there and I came upon a post office and lo and behold

I had a built that I need to pay and I didn't have a fucking stamp so I fucking pull in and the locals are in there and I'm listening to this guy tell this fucking hilarious story first of all I love the pace of it too I love the pace of a small town where I

don't give a shit that this guy's telling a story he's such a fucking character I'm enjoying it I'm already second in line because there's nobody fucking there right and he's telling a story about how somebody cut him off you know and he's not driving too fast and then the woman behind

the counter then tells her story about how she was doing 15 someone pulled out in front of her and her son her son blew the horn and when they pulled up next to him at a red light the guy fucking had a pistol and he fucking just brought it up looking at him like you know point

at the ceiling of his car he just sort of brought it up like that and then the guy's like he goes you can't do that can't do that I write that that's a terrorist act that's brandishing brandishing a weapon they just started talking about brandishing a weapon you can't do that they don't make somebody want to you know

do some sort of self-defense is what they were saying and I was just like this is fucking crazy out here but actually I think that they said that that happened up in Charlotte or something like that I guess the road rage is off the fucking chains in Charlotte North Carolina that's what I love about

a small town I never would have heard that you know this fucking guy with his white uncle Jesse Beard telling a story brandishing a weapon and I was just sitting there totally not even giving a fuck that I was standing in line at the post office completely enjoying

the story and praying to God that this guy then took out his weapon because I wanted I wanted to see where this was going to go next but you know they didn't say anything like I should have got his license plate blah blah blah blah blah I don't know that's why I stay off the 75 North because I never would have heard

that you know if I stayed on the 75 North I would have heard you know can I get the fucking can I get a double cheeseburger with the fucking I don't hear that shit oh I know a lot of you guys are expecting me to talk about the Oscars but I didn't watch them okay I don't watch

award shows unless I'm home if I'm home then my wife's watching them and then I watch him with her because I like making fun of them while she watches them because it makes her mad she doesn't get mad mad but she gets like upset but I heard

about the big the big fucking thing there in the end where Warren Beatty came out and he's like a little winner for the best picture 2017 goes to La La Land and evidently the poor people from La La Land went up there were two speeches in

before they realized that it was actually going to moonlight starring Sybil Shepard and Bruce Willis I believe um I don't know what the fuck happened all I know is once I heard that that happened I didn't want to watch it you know I don't like watching people

like that level of fucking awkwardness you know and just seeing Warren Beatty be that fucking old I just realized his last fucking name was what that fucking robot was saying on close and not close encounters what was that what was that

stupid fucking fuck Rogers where they had that little stupid fucking robot going Beatty Beatty Beatty Beatty is he saying Beatty Beatty Beatty Beatty Beatty Beatty Beatty Beatty Beatty there was a stupid like somebody came up with somebody was sitting in a fucking writer's room and they're like alright

Star Wars is all the rage we gotta somehow make money off this alright we're gonna do Buck Rogers that doesn't seem that bad I mean it was around before Star Wars and one of the things we gotta have like an R2-D2 and a C3PO

and the network's like well we're not fucking ironing two actors it's gonna be too expensive combine both characters and stick a fucking midget in that goddamn suit alright alright well C3PO is kind of a fucking smart cut we have this thing being moron it just has a catchphrase

I don't know what's the catch well you fucking come up with it and the writers are probably so pissed there let's just come up with the dumbest shit we can possibly say and see what this fucking industry person says alright he's a little fucking he looks like a little kid George Washington but he's painted all silver

and he's made out of metal and before he talks he walks around and he goes Beatty Beatty Beatty Beatty Beatty Beatty and then they just sat there and they kept the fucking straight face and that's one of those moments in life you know when you throw it on the table you know

you're looking at that person and they're looking at you and it becomes one of those moments where whoever talks first loses and you just fucking wait it out and then the fucking person goes alright yeah go with that they're like great awesome let's go do some cocaine it's not fucking addicting it's fucking the late 70s

yeah so I didn't see I didn't see any of it I didn't see any of it sorry I know I got a bunch of tweets can't wait to hear you take on the Oscars I did not see it what I did see was that the fucking Boston Bruins won again

won again and all my fucking whining about whining about them getting rid of Claude Julian according to Bob Beas the Bruins are playing much looser and more confident under Bruce Cassidy

so with the new man on the bench the Boston Bruins look like a new team the B's are six in one since Bruce Cassidy took over as interim coach averaging four goals per game while scoring the first and six of those contests they exploded for six goals and Sunday's Matt and they went over the stars

but the stars sucked this year and 98.5 the sports hub Bruins analyst Bob Beas says he's seen a much looser and more confident team take the ice since Cassidy took over for Claude Julian they have a little more leash

and a little more freedom to make some plays not to the point where they're being reckless or carried away leaving themselves exposed at the other end but they're encouraged to play more offensively um I gotta tell you man they've been playing great so I don't know what it is so you know I guess I was wrong

I still think Claude Julian is a fucking great coach what are you gonna do maybe everybody needed a change you know maybe that's what it is if you stay with the same person for a while you just get sick of them you know and this is like the new girlfriend you're all excited

you can go all the old places but it's new for the both of you to go there I don't know well all I know is it's fucking working and I absolutely loved loved the Boston Celtics not making a move before the trade deadline I think that was fucking genius

it would have been so fucking stupid to give up draft picks and some players that we had you know that they were gonna want like Marcus Smart and fucking Jay Crowder and a bunch of draft picks at the very least we were gonna have to fucking give up that to bring in who Camelo Anthony

you know who's who's gonna he's gonna tell fucking everybody to clear out and then not get back on D you don't need that shit and even if he got us past the Cavaliers nobody's beaten the fucking Warriors this year we're certainly not you give up all of that shit to do what

second place instead of fourth who gives a fuck who gives a fuck this is the Boston Celtics we gotta win another championship the Lakers are lying about the amount of fucking champions championships they have

they padded their resume with one we need to win another one put a little distance between them and I think this fucking move right here being patient enough to just say no we're staying the goddamn course we got all these draft picks who knows maybe that kid from Duke comes out Tatum

maybe he's won and done who knows you know they got that who's that other kid there's some kid on Kansas I guess he's like a point guard or something like that I don't know what the fuck we need I don't know shit about basketball but I love not giving into the stupid pressure that you know you're supposed to make a move

you know that'll make you better in the short run but fuck you fuck over all the work you've been doing over the last three four years so Danny Age Danny Age love it absolutely love it all right let's do some reads for this week because um

I'm actually going to drive down to Tampa tonight and I'm going to go I'm going to go to the fucking Tampa Bay Lightning versus the fucking Ottawa Senators game tonight never but I've never been to a game there we'll see how it is all right four reads all right this is what I got here

oh four reads was the advertising it's not four questions let me get rid of that boyfriend birthday gift hey there Billy birthday boy my boyfriend my man recently celebrated a birthday and I contemplated

for weeks what I would get him after listening to many podcast episode I picked up on your advice to freshly single men uh get yourself all the sports packages I took old Billy boys advice and bought my guy a subscription for NHL TV

holy shit you're a fucking angel for the remainder of the hockey season parentheses go pens that's great too so he and his team is a contender so it'll be fun to watch and NFL Sunday ticket for the upcoming football season he's beyond

thrilled of course he is thanks for the laughs and most importantly thanks for the birthday suggestion all right ladies did you hear that you know what's great about all of that shit is it's so fucking easy to do that's one phone call

you don't have to go out and go shop you don't have to go get something fucking engraved it's perfect and if anybody wants to out do this woman you know what you do is you get him the perfect chair to sit there and watch you know and then what you do is you get life insurance

and as he slowly eats and drinks himself to death watching all these sports you know you're gonna win either way either he's gonna be around there's gonna be this big lovable fucking you know grizzly bear over there watching his games or he's gonna fucking die and you're gonna get paid

there you go good for you that's a great gift I would love that I would be thrilled with that gift all right who versus whom a little aristocrat fucking conversation here the actual rule I always get these confused and I love that you guys are gonna fucking help me out here

cause I actually used whom the other day somebody told me that when you use who is if you could substitute it with he or she but if you're talking about a they or us or a soliloquy then you use whom? I don't know anyways he said the actual rule

to use who with the subject and whom oh the actual rule is to use who with the subject and whom with the object so is the subject like a person no I don't I'll never get this down

it's like lie versus lay the baby on the bed lies down but when you put the baby on the bed the baby is laid down alright like how is that supposed to help me alright let's try to figure out the subject and the object oh my god I'm gonna start

fucking hyperventilating this takes me back to high school they call on you like I don't know I don't know just give me a fucking zero Jesus Christ how many fucking times you gotta call on me I don't know the answer before you figure out

you need to call on somebody else quarterback keeps throwing to somebody they keep dropping the ball they go to somebody else you fucking idiot punt alright the baby on the bed lies down alright so the baby is the subject

is the bed the object but when you put the baby on the bed that's an object the baby is laid down alright well what the fuck who laid the baby down versus Billy blue blue balls laid whom down

alright I gotta slow down who laid the baby down who laid the baby down you did you did shoot that poison arrow shoot that poison arrow shoot that poison arrow thank you good night took me back

I always sing that song to Nia I always say whoever sings that fucking song you know that they close with it and then that's how they end that song that's how they end it they go shoot that poison arrow shoot that poison arrow shoot that poison arrow thank you good night you have the surprise ending

oh I thought you were gonna go through my heart again but you didn't alright so who laid the baby down alright versus Billy balls laid whom down okay who laid the baby

okay so if I went like who drank all this fucking beer Billy blue balls was who drank all the beer I can't fucking do it I can't fucking do it who drank all this beer how come I can't plug that in alright well somebody says something about a baby

I have a baby in my life so I have a chance I can at least get that one right Jesus sent right back down to the minors once again he grounds into an inning ending double play fucking kill that goddamn dream I don't understand I just don't fucking get

this has been explained to me 50 million I never understood how fucking planes flew and then I got my pilot's license and they were able to fucking explain it to me who laid the baby down versus Billy blue balls laid

whom down alright so I'm the subject in the first one and then what the baby becomes an object are you talking shit about my kid here Billy blue balls laid whom down the actual rule

is to use who with the subject and whom with the object so I'm more important than my kid so I'm the object here I'm the subject but then that doesn't make any sense because a king has subjects and they have to do whatever the fuck he tells them

I'll tell you right now I don't feel any closer to the finish line than I was Jesus the amount of empathy that I have for all the fucking teachers in my life that this is the fucking putty they're trying to mold into something hahaha

alright you know what's great for Great Barrier Reef for fuck's sakes Bill stop saying the Great Barrier Reef is dying get your pasty white ranger arse down here get in the water and have a look for it it's not dying yeah it is you cunt what are you a scientist I'm going by what the fucking scientists are saying

and I wanted to go fucking snorkeling over there and say you better do it now because they're not going to let people go there much longer if you don't know what a ranger is that we Aussies call redheaded fucks like you ranger being short for orangutan oh I guess isn't that cute

well you know what maybe you can say that to me next time I come down there and do a fucking show alright why don't you do that I don't give a fuck you think I give a fuck what what some cunt who is at the bottom of the fucking world with like three quarters of your goddamn country you can't even go to

the entire middle of that fucking content you can't even live there what else do you do on Australia day do you drive around in your poor excuse for a fucking El Camino um anyways

oh that's he's one of those fucking guys it's fine it's still fucking there you know I'm going to look this shit up right now alright great barrier reef let me see what I get let me guess because it doesn't agree with you then it's going to be fake news great barrier reef dead

the great barrier reef is not actually dead CNN dramatic what about dying let me see dying dying let me see dying um corals are dying on the great barrier reef scientists have discovered an unprecedented die-off of the in the world's largest reef

the great barrier reef prompt yeah there you go right there okay great barrier reef not dying Australia insists I get it this is your big tourist attraction this is your ferris wheel so you want people to keep flying down there so they can jump on the water with

a bunch of great white sharks because there's nothing to see on land down there because three quarters of your fucking country is unlivable and god knows if you go out there it's so fucking unlive that's why there's snakes and everything down there is so fucking poisonous because there's such a lack of food

that a snake if it just grazes somebody they got to make it count because god knows they're not going to see anything else edible for fucking weeks Australia insists that it's not fucking dying I love it okay well that's fucking credible that's how you make all your money all those fucking cunts

going down there in their scuba gear because they learned how to hold their breath and breathe underwater in a fucking swimming pool and they got themselves a little scuba card and now they're going to go into god's swimming pool a fucking ocean alright that's got all this shit that can kill oh my god

that's what it is okay I get I'm sorry I was fucking with your tourist attraction that would be like you guys down there saying that you can't go up into the arm of the Statue of Liberty anymore it's going to snap off it is dying you stupid fuck alright

alright anyways I absolutely believe that it is why wouldn't it be all this shit that we're doing everything else is fucking dying everything else is completely fucked it isn't maybe I'm wrong maybe I'm wrong let me you know what I actually I looked it up

let me look up not dying let's see what this said Great Barrier Reef but if this is all from fucking Australia I'm not buying it Great Barrier Reef not in danger let me a big picture of fucking Trump scuba diving the Great Barrier Reef not quote in danger

tourism and mining groups have welcomed a whatever recommendation that the Great Barrier Reef shut off the world heritage in danger yeah touring tourism mining these people all make money off it should the Great Barrier Reef be listed as in danger

UNESCO Great Barrier Reef is not in danger but needs care you and experts experts say Great Barrier Reef is not yeah this is all because you're not making money off of it Great Barrier Reef out look poor but not in danger this is like what you guys

are doing with the Great Barrier Reef now is what we do with our food supply you know it's not the best for you but it doesn't necessarily cause cancer you know what buddy I hope you're right I hope you're right I hope it isn't but I know good god damn well that you're not a fucking scientist I know

I'm not a scientist and I know that scientists say that it is fucking dying but anybody from what I just did my research for 30 seconds was anybody that makes money off of it say it says that it isn't so I don't know can I can you give you can write me back with a fucking scientist or some sort of fucking

group of them that don't make money off it are not getting paid to say that it's fucking dying it's not dying then I'll believe it okay so whatever I'm still fucking open-minded alright Obama news censorship

hey Mr. Bill Bill Burr I have listened to the past couple of podcasts where some of your listeners have messaged in about Obama's supposed censoring of news media and after a bit of further research it seems like they are

most likely inaccurate or just wrong now let me ask you this sir because I looked it up okay and for what I could tell it was accurate but what I'm guessing is you're an Obama fan so now you're gonna tell me this is fake news now you just saw where I was able to look up shit where it said it was dying

and then it isn't dying and it's just all what you choose to believe right while the bill is real the conclusion that it would cause the shutdown and silencing of dissenting opinion seems incorrect it's supposed to find the identity when

foreign countries are involved in spreading propaganda to allow us news sites to know where information is coming from I have a liberal bias and I'm probably overlooking some things oh there you go this guy's an adult okay you know what I take back everything I said but it seems like

that the bill is not nearly as bad as certain sites are making out to be which I would agree with because that's gonna be the Fox News people thanks for the podcast and the latest special this is what I would guess which is a obviously a total guess because I'm a fucking moron I'm guessing it's not as bad as people on the

writer say it is but I am definitely of the belief that there's always that wiggle room in there you know is is there preventing something you know that everybody wants to be prevented which would be propaganda from our fucking enemies which I actually don't even think is that bad

I'm not against hearing their take on things but it would also allow them it's kind of like you know after 9 11 where it was just like we need to listen we need to be able to listen to in on people's phone conversations but if you're not doing anything wrong you know

it's not a fucking well you know it's this is a terrorist and then it just becomes away from them to spy on you even more and then years later you see that whole fucking Snowden thing and he's taken off basically saying I'm not gonna help you guys build this thing the greatest nerd of all time is that Snowden guy

you know as opposed to those other fucking pussies who just keep fucking you know I've always said it you know total psychos like a complete psycho has no fucking power you know without nerds nerds give them the ability to be a psycho on a psycho on a fucking

global level okay it's nuts as Trump is it's not just fucking Hillary is it's not just fucking Bush it's not just all these fucking lunatics are they're not shit without nerds creating the technology for them to you know

go psycho on a global fucking level I mean if it wasn't for fucking nerds and we'd still be attacking each other with sticks you know I couldn't figure out how to make a gun alright lost my 401k hey Bill well to cut to the chase I'm 51 years old

divorced son is in jail for hitting his mother who is a lunatic Jesus Christ and I received a $49,000 settlement and blew it all on the California lottery this can't be real I really feel like throwing in the towel

can you tell me what you would do if you were in my awful shoes alright if this is even remotely real let's see that's probably fake but whatever but other people have completely fucked up their lives so I'll talk to them and you sir if you're actually telling the truth

the biggest thing you got going for yourself is you know that you're a moron and you fucked up your life so I would sit down and I would look at the decisions that I've made figured out why I made those fucking decisions

I refuse to believe that you're dumb enough to get $49,000 and spend all of it on the California lottery I would think that some of it went to bear some of it went to wade come on some of you get $49,000 bucks you can get yourself a new

truck come on I don't know can you tell me what you would do if you were in my awful shoes I would get a fucking job first of all I would stay away from I'd stay away from your ex wife your son's in jail for hitting

your mother so that would mean he's of age so you're not paying any child support so maybe there's some alimony I don't know I try to teach my son not to hit my mother not to hit his mother

I don't know dude you got water coming in from all sides here I don't know what to tell you if you get money I would save it rather than gamble it away but you're only 51 years old dude this is what I would do I would start P90X

get a little bit of fucking self esteem and have a little more belief in yourself that you can make it other than trying to do a fucking zillion to one shot which you tried to cut down to 49,000 49,000 shots and a billion to one

yeah dude I don't know what to tell you man I think you're gonna be fine you're 51 years old you know you still got some years ahead of you but I wouldn't throw my fucking money away like that I don't know how to give you advice if you blew all

of your money on lottery tickets but I don't want you to throw in the towel you know what I would do I would write a fucking book stare into it you know it's the comics comic you might be the loser's loser write a fucking book about it

you know or make some youtube videos and just tell your fucking story get some advertising right maybe you can make a little bit of money that way shit it's easy to make 49,000 bucks off the fucking internet there's enough people that people love people failing you who the fucks failed

more than you turn it around turn that failing into a fucking positive tell you fucking story start going around to schools telling people what not to do I don't know what you should do but don't do what I did right that's like country lyrics they always they're always doing that shit

like I was thinking on the drive over here talking about this person in front of me was driving so slow I was like Jesus Christ you got all the time in the world I'm like that's such like a country lyric that they would flip around you know I got all the time in the world

and I don't want to go on living you know you say it's juxtaposition there you know what I mean it's like I got all this time in my hands but I don't want any time because I'm my woman left me or something like that right it's like when a fucking a bull wants to fuck a cow but ain't running around but a pig

you know what I mean it's one of those type of things I would just steer into it sir I would turn it into entertaining stories is somehow telling but I'm also a comedian that that's what the fuck I would do other than that I would stay away from your ex-wife and I don't know

I don't know what to do with your son try to set a better example by not blowing all your money on lottery tickets maybe that's that's the thing I don't know sorry you're in that situation if you actually are alright text sent to the wrong person at work oh Jesus

this is never good dear Billy Graham cracker tits I never thought I'd be in a situation where I needed to write into you like this but here I am in a pinch for the last couple of years

certain people at my work have been getting very relaxed with their work ethic and punctuality so much so that another coworker and I have written an album of songs about its absurdity since our office is well maybe you can write

a song about the guy who just wrote in above me you know you guys you know then you go on American Idol I don't know anyway since ours is an office of about 10 people everybody's job directly relates to everyone else's and it puts extra

strain on the rest of us recently two of the worst offenders both ladies not that it matters have actually but I mentioned it have actually gotten promotions for some reason with that said this morning I noticed one of the ladies accomplished a quote

task in our project manager to bring food to an office potluck lunch being the snarky asshole I am I took a screenshot to send to my like-minded coworker with the text

quote think and then the person's name is going a little overboard here somehow she only creates to do she can get done can't get shit done for work but for food the bitch is all over it when I didn't hear back from him after 10

minutes I felt this first wave of panic I knew it immediately the text had been sent to the lady yeah because what happens is you're thinking about that person and you think about their name and oh my god we've all done this completely flustered I sent a flurry of apology

text but she didn't respond all this was happening around 8 30 which is when people are supposed to arrive this worker usually shows up around 9 45 or 10 but that's beside the point what can you unsend the text

I don't know some nerd know how to do that anyways after I didn't hear from her I checked the calendar and saw that she was on vacation for the next 10 days oh no but I know she got the text and now I'm worried about what she thinks and whether it's going to be weird in the office what do I do

she's not a bad person and when you call her a bitch too and I have to work with her regularly before realizing she was out I already bought flowers and put them on her desk in order to cover the stench of my own failure now dude you can't because she knows what you really think

I'm guessing I shouldn't leave them there let her come back to my dead flowers either congratulations on your baby girl and of course your latest special sincerely I done fucked up where is she on vacation and is there a way to unsend all of those text

messages that's what I would try to do over the next 10 days I would not apologize anymore I would not give flowers and this is what you got to do dude you got a fucking man up and when she calls you out on it be like yep I was I'm not going to tell you who I was sending it to

don't rat out the other person on any fucking level do not rat out the other person you piece of shit if you do it do not rat them out I would actually say I was actually sending it to this girl I know who doesn't work here okay just say that

and I always bitch to her about people at work and when she calls you out I would just say listen you know what no sense sugar code you're supposed to be here at 830 show up at 945 10 o'clock you're dogging you're setting a bad example and I like working hard and that

text came from the frustration of watching you working set the example of not working up to your potential it makes it a bad experience out here so that's why I did it if you're mad at me I understand but you know I stand by that text message I shouldn't

apologize you bitch I was just saying that the way you know Richard Pryor says it I was just trying to be funny but you know you showing up an hour and 15 to an hour and a half late every day is not good for the morale around the office that's what that's where that came from so there you go and I'm sorry I sent it to you

but you know that's it fuck it that's the only card you got to play be like yeah I sent it although you did fucking put your hat in your hand and apologize

yeah boy can you please write back and let me know how it pans out I'd love to know all right with that that is the podcast for this week I'll check in on you on Thursday and this time next week I will be in Phoenix Arizona doing two shows a night

at a Komodi club also known as a comedy club and be fucking polishing up this fucking hour so I can go on the road not embarrass myself like this guy did with his text message you poor bastards we've all been there you know what even the lady that you you're writing to I bet she's done it too

but she's letting you squirm or or she's in Aruba or she's someplace where she didn't get the text message and maybe you can undo it maybe you can fucking undo what was already done this is this is another fucking movie

this is a fucking movie this is like weekend at Bernie's meets Steve Jobs fucking one of those things when we used to walk out and be like look now you can swipe text and everybody's like oh my god right that's what you do

if you get fired sir you should write a fucking script write a fucking script about somebody who sent the wrong text message to their boss send a text message to the wrong person that person's on vacation okay and then eventually

you're gonna have to fly down there you know that you can co-star with the guy with the eyes you always did the eyes thing that he got from fucking Al Pacino what was what was the name of that actor he was in about last Andrew McCarthy right you guys maybe you can fucking executive produce it

see that that's a great thing about entertainment no matter how bad you fuck up it makes the more you fuck up in your personal life the more material you get as a comedian you get a script out of it I don't know you don't sound fulfilled maybe maybe you can be a

script writer all right that's it go fuck yourselves your cunt and I'll talk to you on Thursday so was a spaghetti bolognese with liquor veerhakt download the my delize app and cook me delize me with the cleaver