Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 2-28-22

Episode Date: February 28, 2022

Bill rambles about invasion, tourism, and drug robbery.

Unbelievable, because you just heard from his capster that you're giving a party. Fortunately, it's the Bolsheviks with bizarre good deals that you have to share. Just like today, the JBL Partybox 310 is now only 319 euros. Score all the deals in the app on Bop.com. What's going on? How are you? Oh, people, I got a fucking earworm. I listened to this song the other day and I cannot, I cannot get it out of my head because Phil Collins plays on the track and he fucking kills it. There was something my drum teacher told me about a couple of years ago and for some, I don't know, I was on the internet just going down the fucking rabbit hole and I found that song again and I listened to it and I cannot get the fucking song out of my head. And I'm warning you right now that if you go and you listen to this song, you are going to be in the same place that I am. You know that going in. Okay, I've let you in so you cannot sue the podcast if you can't get this fucking song out of your goddamn head.

For the last four days, five days maybe, I have had tears for fears, woman in chains in my head. Well, I just can't get it out of and I don't even know, I don't even know the words. I just love Phil Collins drumming on it. It starts off, I don't even know what he's saying. You better be better be you better be woman in chains woman in chains. It's like the ultimate, you know, women can do no wrong. At no point in the song do they ask why the guy had to put his woman in chains. You know, maybe she was lighting up the credit card tears for fears, right? Do they ever think of that? Nope. Right, it's all about how men are fucking assholes. And at one point this woman, I've listened to the song like 400 fucking times, because Phil Collins kills it so hard on the track.

And I still have no idea what any of the words are other than men of stone. It always makes me laugh when he screams it. Are we stone? Is that what we are? We just sort of beaten down and we don't have any fucking fight left in us. Now, Jesus, Bill, are you going to start this way? Is this how you're going to start the podcast? Yeah, yeah. So free. That's how it goes. It goes into that. Listen, I'm not saying they don't have a valid argument, you know, I'm not saying that there hasn't been times, you know, as a man, you're going into a store and you don't want to bring your woman in. So, you know, you tell her to stay in the car and you leave her in there like a fucking dog.

And then they start crying. And then they put that song on. I think that's what that's what happens. You better not leave me here. You better not leave me here. Woman in cars. Just stay in the car. Why? Why can't I go in? Because you're going to want, you're going to want something. You know, it's like a kid. I can't bring a kid in there and then they're going to see a fucking toy and then I got to deal with that. And both of you are going to end up in tears. Right? Then you're going to start telling me how I'm fucking cold and then put on minister.

But listen to Phil Collins on that. You know, people still like a question. Was Phil Collins really a great drummer? Was he really? Was he really a great drummer? You know, because all they think of was when he did like... Did he just sing I'm Walking on Sunshine? He had like all those fucking... Su Su Su, all those songs. But listen to Brand X and listen to all this shit he did with Robert Plant. Incredible. I want to hear from Ginger Baker fan. So, you know, when I was always, I'll always be blown away how when I watched that. But where Mr Baker, the way Eric Clapton dismissed the argument that John Bonham was anywhere near as good a drummer as Ginger Baker.

They asked him and he just goes, Oh, no, they're not even in the same conversation. And I was like, I don't know what the fuck I've been doing. I got to go back and listen to Cream, which I did. And it wasn't until I saw Ginger Baker's like the drum solo he did it like Royal Albert Hall. I don't know if I've talked about this before. I have no idea people. I've been having problems sleeping lately. I've been stressed out getting ready to do this fucking project. You know, and there's only so many nights you can do a fucking, you know, John Wayne double shot a fucking night quill before you just have to address the fact. That you're going to have to start counting sheep, right? Um, anyway.

Yeah, I just couldn't not fucking sleep last night. I was just laying in fucking bed. You know, like when you're so tired, you're like, I need to go to sleep. I need to go to sleep. And then your brain, it's just going, going, going, going, going. And I'm like, all right, it's midnight. All right, it's one in the morning. Oh, it's got to be like a quarter to two. It's got to be a quarter to two. And then you fucking wake up at like 545 AM because you're thinking about all this shit you have to do today. You know, doesn't this sound like the beginning of the, an infomercial and I'm going to have a solution for this at the end of it. Start eating grapefruit. Do you know anybody remember that? Remember the grapefruit 45 diet? I don't know anybody who eats grapefruit. It doesn't lose weight.

The problem is you'd have to eat 80 grapefruits a day to fucking lose your mantits. But now we've glued this construction worker to a fucking steel girder, whatever that all those things were the same. I miss those guys screaming at me. The end of an era was when that Billy Mays died. Oh, Billy Mays, look at this vacuum cleaner. You better get your kids out of the room. It'll fucking suck them up too. Screaming. And then there was that other guy who had the exercise equipment and he was jacked and he was dressed like he was going to go scuba diving. Remember that was, that was like a, that was a look for a while.

He dressed that way. The drummer for Dave Matthews band used to dress that way. They all dressed like at any moment, like they were going to go fucking jump on a boogie board. And they walked around in public. Some of them performed concerts in front of fucking 40,000 people going out there. You know, like they were on a family vacation. I always wondered what Buddy Rich would have thought about that. Praise your God, God damn it, kid. You go out there with a sport coat on. You don't go out on the bedstand at all. On a fucking loop.

I can't get to sleep laying in bed. Oh, Jesus. Shout out to all the people who are getting all fucking upset over here about the, the international news that's going on in the news internationally. It just blows my fucking mind. The amount of people that are watching the footage of that horrible shit that's happening in the Ukraine. You know what I mean? And like they don't, they can't put two and two together and be like, oh, is this what invading a country looks like? Wait, have we ever done that? And if we did, this is what it looked like. Like people just, does somebody need to make a video?

Like, you know, when they do that thing like celebrities, they're just like us. They do their dry cleaning. Russia, they're just like us. You know, I always have this fantasy that everybody around the world just quits the military on the same day at the same moment. Just like, yeah, we're not doing this anymore. All right. If you got a problem with that guy over there, okay, the leader of that country, you go fight him. You go over there, you put your penny loafers on and your little fucking Johnny Apple seed backpack and you go over there and you go fight that guy. I mean, I don't know. And then people sit there and they watch the goddamn videos just from like one side. Like it's like, you know, it's like feminist. Oh, Jesus, what the fuck are you going? I don't know. I didn't get any sleep last night.

You know, when they just mail toxicity, it's shouldn't they just, they don't see themselves in it. They don't see what they did to make the guy in their life toxic. That's what I'm trying to say. It's your fault, ladies. No, they don't see, they don't see what they do. I actually think, you know, real feminists do though, you know, is nothing cooler than a cool feminist like my wife's a cool feminist. If I make a decent point, you know, about the broads there, she'll be like, all right, all right, you got me on that. But don't and then that makes me be like, okay, let me hear you. I can hear you now. What is the point of this bill? I don't know what the point of this is. The point is, I didn't get any fucking sleep last night, and I'm comparing invading countries to feminist rhetoric.

That's exactly what I'm doing. All right, it was a bad weekend, people. I had a bad, I had one great part of the weekend. I went to a birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese. I never been to that place. Holy shit. I'll tell you right now, if you if you've never been like, if you've never been to America, and you only have two hours to be here, and you want to get a feel for what this country has to offer, you got to go to Chuck E. Cheese, you know, pizza, soda, video games. That's it. Some fucking dude walking around in a mouse outfit, dancing to music. I mean, it was fucking, it was amazing. I thought I was going to go there, and I was going to come out of there like exhausted and all that, you know, chasing the kids around there. I had a blast. Parents were having a good time or eating pizza, right? And then they had enough games there for adults. They had a fucking MotoGP game where you could race somebody else. I was racing my daughter. She's on another motorcycle.

I'm scrolling through, seeing if I can find Andres de Vizioso in a Ducati. Right? Although he's riding for Suzuki this year, I think. I don't know. It's starting up soon. They had a game where, you know, you're throwing footballs through three different circles, shit popping out. If you hit that, you know, get 40 points. Try to make the Hall of Fame, or at least the Pro Bowl. If you played like shit, it called you a rookie. Like the game was talking shit. It was great. Fuck it. Those old school games, like you just press a button and you're firing like torpedoes to try to sink ships. Those are the games I like before I got too involved, you know? Like now people just put like a virtual reality glasses on.

And by the time you're done playing with the game, you got to buy a new flat screen TV because you tried to dive through a porthole. You forgot you were in your living room. That's like, that's too much, I think. Right? Woman and Chase. Anyway, yeah, just a crazy weekend. Been so busy. Haven't been able to fucking sleep. I'm joking about the night quilt. It's like, I'm not doing the night quilt thing. I don't want to fucking do that because then all of a sudden you're going to need the night quilt to go to sleep, right? And then you're hanging out out in front of a CVS, you know, panhandling for fucking nickels. So you can go in there, you know, with a handful of weight, you know, just change and just slamming it down so you can get the big gulp size of it.

Yeah, I was talking to somebody and they were saying like, they were going through some shit. And then they go, you know, whenever I'm going through some shit, I just like Google fucked up shit on the internet. So I realized that my shit isn't that bad. And I was like, oh, all right, little perspective. And they ended up showing me this fucking clip of this poor guy who got eaten by a shark down in fucking Australia. And fortunately, it was like blurred out. And I was just like, I had to like shut it off. I had to shut the fucking thing. I was like, oh, it was one of the most horrifying things. And it was blurred out, but just knowing what this poor person was going through. And my buddy told me that he watched the fucking unedited version of it.

I'm like, why the fuck would you do that? He's like, dude, dude, it was fucked up, dude. Was it? I've never fucking understood, like, somebody blows their knee out in a fucking sporting event. I can't even handle that. I don't understand how you could fucking watch one. Arguably one of the biggest fears people could have, at least my generation when Jaws came out, you know, and speaking of Jaws, like, I feel like all of these fucking vacation spots when there's a shark attack act just like that douchebag who didn't want to close the beaches in Jaws. What's he doing sitting up there? He's scaring people. I noticed, I started Googling, as I always do, because I am fucking terrified of the ocean.

And it's kind of funny because there's a lot of people also who are terrified of flying. So when I express my fear of the ocean, they then question, well, yeah, but you fly helicopters. You're up there. You're up there. I mean, isn't that, you know, it's a fair point. You know what I mean? But I don't feel like it's nearly, maybe I'm just justifying, maybe I'm doing the sports fan thing, like Rams and Bengals fans after the Super Bowl, where Bengals fans were just like, you know, alright, you missed, you know, whatever I say, like Rams fans were going, well, they missed that call. They missed that call, you know, with the face mask so that we deserve to make up call. And it was just like, yeah, but at the end of the game, that's when they do it.

That shit happened like the third player, the fucking second half. They had the whole third rest of the third quarter and half of the fourth quarter to keep a drive alive. They do it at the fucking end to hook you up where if you score, there's going to be no time left for the Bengals. Well, that's not a makeup call. That goes a little further, right? And then Bengal fans on the other side. I don't know. I don't know what the fuck. I still feel like they got fucking, they got screwed on that one. They got screwed on that one. I don't, I had a point in there and just somehow I lost the whole fucking thing. But I did look up like shark attacks, you know, because of the way I view it.

Like, you know, we're kind of fishing out the ocean and we've already fished out the ocean and they're dragging these nets so deep. They're pulling up, they're pulling up species of fish that they don't even have a price on it at the market. Okay, you can go on YouTube and look up recipes for these fishes and there's no recipes because in the history, we've never fucking caught these goddamn things because they swim so deep. So my theory is that since we've fished out the fucking ocean, that human beings have moved up on the menu. Where before we were sort of this weirdo thing on the last fucking page and now we've moved up to like the second course. And pretty soon we'll be in entree. And I don't mean entree as in the main dish, the way they say it in America.

I mean it in France, well you're the appetizer, you're the first thing, first thing that they're going for. Entree as in enter, you're entering the meal. Anyway, but one thing I've noticed with all of these vacation hotspots is they all say the same shit. It's always reported in a rare shark attack. Look up shark attack and I'm telling you the word that you're going to keep seeing is rare. A rare shark attack. So I'm like, okay, these shark attacks are rare, right? Like how they cook a steak when you ask for medium rare, it comes out rare.

Most people, it's like that's not, it's not medium rare. Medium rare is a fucking lost art. I swear to God, you go to a steakhouse now and it's either rare, medium, medium well and well. Nobody seems to be able to do the fucking medium rare anymore. If you ask for medium rare, it's coming out bloody. And then you'd be like, hey, I'm sorry man, can you put this back on for a little bit longer? Then it's going to come back medium. And I always think that the cooks back there having a hissy fit.

I'll tell you a question that I don't know what the medium rare is. I mean, how do you fuck that up? If you backyard grillers, I remember I used to work on a fucking, I used to work on a mesquite grill in a fucking restaurant that was rapidly going out of business while I also was still a bus boy and a dishwasher. As the restaurant went out of business, I just kept taking on more and more jobs and they just kept giving me like 50 cents more an hour instead of paying me to do two jobs. I was such a fucking moron. Like say I was making five bucks an hour back then.

It was probably even less than that minimum wage back in the 80s to be a bus boy. And then the grill chef was making seven bucks an hour. He quits, I take over the grill. Now, shouldn't I be making $12 an hour? No, they gave me five, like 75 an hour. I'm like, boy, oh boy. Oh, another 75 cents. And then the dishwasher quit.

And I did that too. And he was probably making like four bucks an hour. So right there, I should have been making like $16 an hour. And instead they were paying me like $6 an hour. I can't imagine what they've said about me. Like that's got to be the dumbest bus boy dishwasher, mesquite griller all at the same time fucking person I've ever met in my life. But anyway, they taught me when I was making burgers.

They were just like, all right, if you want to know what rare is, take your thumb and just touch it to your index finger and then touch your thumb meat. You know, like if your thumb is a drumstick, the part that you would eat on a drumstick, you just touch it right there and then touch the meat. It should feel like that. You touch your middle finger, that's like more like, you know, medium rare, medium. And then your ring finger with your thumb, that's like medium well. And then your pinky, that's well done.

Now, granted, that also depends on the thickness of the meat. Ladies, right? Then you kind of got to go low and slow with it or whatever. But I mean, I remember learning that I've never, I've never really fucked that up. Unless it's been like, it's like what's really hard is a filet mignon. You know what I mean? I've never really understood how to try to cook that thing. You know, if somebody wants it medium, you know, what ends up happening is by the time it's all gray,

there's no pink left. Like the outside is like kind of fucking, you know, Christ, you cook this shit out of it. Anyway, so they say that these shark attacks are fucking rare. So I started looking at the numbers. Now, I'm not trying to fuck with any country's tourism here. Or is that it's known behind the closed door, whorisms, whorism, right? We got to get the whores, we got to get the whores coming in here. So the guys think they got a fucking chance, you know, at getting a dick sucked down here.

Okay, this is, this is how they really talk before they fucking, you know, have clowns and balloons in a cruise ship commercial that they put together. They talk about whores and blowjobs. That's basically what it is. And, you know, not saying that it's a requirement that the woman goes to that island, that that's how she has to behave. But it's more that the, the hope, the belief more so beyond hope. There's a belief that you're going to go down there and this is going to happen. And why wouldn't they, you know, women, when women go out of the country, they feel like they're no longer being judged. Right.

And they can kind of get, you know, a little loose with it. This is what I've heard. I've heard like that they, as far as like their number, how many people you've banged, they don't count people outside the country. They try to keep the number down because of the double standard. There's a double standard. How come when a guy does it, he's a stud of a woman does it. He's a she's a who I just do a bit about that. Well, it all comes down to degree of difficulty.

You know, guys have to convince people to fuck them. That's why it's impressive. You got laid last night. What did you say? Right. I'm sorry. This podcast is just all over the fucking road. Yeah.

So they keep saying that I'm going to get through this thought at some point. They keep saying that shark attacks are rare. Any rare shark attacks. So I looked up the Caribbean or the Caribbean. Is it Caribbean or Caribbean tomato, tomato, bangles, bangles. They said in the Caribbean, they average 20 to 30 a year. That's not rare. That's like, you know, almost three a month, two to three a month.

That's not fucking rare. They never said come to the Bahamas and swim in waters where we average two to three shark attacks per month. You know, most of them are just nibbles. I love when they say that, like they go like they don't want to eat you. They're just sort of curious. Oh, is that what it is? I don't want a curious bite from a shark. Hey, what happened to that section of your leg?

It seems to be there's a little void there on the back of your thigh where your hamstring used to be. Oh, you know, a tiger shark was, you know, he was just curious. I'll tell you, they're inquisitive little devils, those fucking sharks. There is no goddamn way. There is no fucking way until the fish come back. The fish come back at night. The fish come back at night until the fish come back to fish go back. Manistow until the fish fucking come back and those goddamn sharks have something to eat.

I am calling it right now. All right. You want to bet the over on shark attacks. Australia says they average 20 a year, 20 attacks a year, but then they dig down great and they dig 20 rare. Okay, let me ask you this. If you did heroin twice a year, would you say your heroin use was rare? Listen, I only nod off like twice a month. Do you, do you, um, do you shoot drugs?

Yes, but only 20 to 30 times a year. I have to be honest with you, though, like, are you addicted? Oh my God, am I going to look that up? Are you addicted if you do heroin 30 times a year? That'd be a fucking great thing to say in rehab. How come, how come all we do is talk about the month where I did it? You know, what about the 335 days where I didn't do it? Hello?

Hello, exactly. I got to look that up. At what point are you addicted? At what point will I fucking stop picking this recorder up and setting it back down again on the floor? All right. Well, I looked this up. Enjoy tears for fear. You better be double day.

You double day, double day. Woman has changed. Um, how many times a year before you are addicted? The science of addiction. John Hopkins, Johnny, Johnny hops. Learn more about addiction. How long does it take to break the habit of addiction? All right, let's see what we say.

This is the wrong fucking. It takes 21 days to break an addiction. The old belief that it took 21 days to change habit has now been labeled a myth. Yeah, like the earth being round. According to psychologists, while it may take approximately 21 days of conscious and consistent effort to create a new habit, it takes far longer to break an existing habit. Well, then that, you know, I bet a lot of people who go to the beach go bill 20 to 30, like millions of people go into the fucking. All right.

That's what they say. All right, which I understand. I do understand that, but like, you know, when what we're talking about is being eaten alive. Uh, you know, I still don't like those percentages. I'm just saying that, you know what I mean? A lot of you guys who are like fucking beachgoers and anti-vaxxers, you know, use the opposite thing when you decided not to get vaccinated. You'd be like, well, fucking, there was somebody in fucking Tupelo, Mississippi who got the booster shot and all of a sudden they fucking robbed the liquor store. Right.

That shit made sense to you. Right. It's all about crunching the number. Maybe that's what it is. It's just crunching the number. You don't want to get the vaccine. So you're just going to focus on people that had a bad reaction to it. And then people that want the vaccine and be able to look at all the people that didn't.

And it's the same thing with beachgoers and I'm afraid of the ocean. So all I'm going to do is look at the shark. It's look at that. I learned something from you and you learned something from me. Um, so maybe it is. Maybe that's the thing. How many people go to the Caribbean each year? Caribbean destination received an estimated 32 million.

And so it's literally one in a million, 1.3 million. Verse. Okay. How many people go to the Caribbean each year? Verse. How many get bitten by a shark? Yearly worldwide shark. You know what?

Nobody's going to have these fucking. Nobody's going to give me the stats that I need. You know why? Because they're afraid of the results. Um, the ISAF. Is that literally the international shark? Oh, shark attack file. Hey, big boy, what do you do for a living?

I work for the ISAF. Is that a branch of the military? No. It goes beyond these borders, sweetheart. It's the international shark attack file. That sounds exciting. The Florida Museum of Natural History's international shark attack file investigated 137 alleged shark human interactions

worldwide in 2021. They're still calling them a legend. You fucking show up. You don't have a calf anymore. Got bitten by a shark or so you say. Jesus Christ. How much money are sharks? The shark lobby throwing at fucking politicians to get them

to look the other way. Even sharks are into paola. ISAF confirmed 73 unprovoked shark attack, shark bites on humans and 39 provoked bites. Okay. Unprovoked bites. I think the second you go in the ocean, you're provoking unprovoked bites are defined as incidents in which a bite on a live human.

See, look at, look how they're already starting to crunch these numbers in frame, trying to make a ball of strike a bite on a live human as opposed to what some mob hit that they went, the big pussy who got thrown in the fucking ocean. That one doesn't count. Unprovoked. Oh my God. How psyched were they when big pussy got thrown in?

They probably didn't appreciate that with what they thought was a seal was wearing a fucking track suit and sneakers. Unprovoked bites are defined as incidents in which a bite on a live human occurs in the sharks natural habitat with no human provocation of the shark. Do you see how many loopholes are in that? The sharks natural habitat is the fucking ocean. All right.

I mean, it's not fucking walking down the street like the old SNL Landshark shit, right? What is a sharks natural habitat? Oh, this is some slippery fucking political shit here. What is a sharks quote natural habitat? There we go. Somebody else asked. They are found in just about every kind of ocean habitat, including the deep

sea, open sea, coral reefs and under the Arctic ice. Whenever they wherever they live sharks play an important role in ocean ecosystems, especially the largest species that are more scary to people. They put quote scary as if you're not really scared as if it's your issue. All right. Provoked bites occur when a human initiates interaction with the shark in some way. These include instant instances when divers are bitten after harassing or

trying to touch sharks, bites on spearfishers, bites on people attempting to feed sharks, bites occurring while unhooking or removing a shark. From a fishnet and so forth of the remaining 25 cases, four involved bites to motorized or non motorized marine vessels, boat bites. And one involved shark inflicted post mortem bites. Scavenge. Oh, like if you drown. Oh, I get it.

Five cases were regarded as doubtful or incidents that did not likely involve the shark. These included one case attributed to a stingray. You fucking pussy. Three attributed to bony fish. They all have bones and one to injury and one injury and one to injury associated with scraping against a rock. Yeah, that's something I would do.

I'd scrape against a rock and I'd be like shark. Get everybody to go back to the beach. In a single case, the nature of the incident was unclear with the available data and additional 14 cases cannot be confirmed as a shark human interaction. Yeah, there seemed they kind of, I feel like they're sort of spinning the numbers down. But anyway, by all means, if you enjoy the beach, don't listen to me.

If you enjoy tears for fear, don't listen to me. Especially if you're a woman in chains. All right, zip. Oh, look who it is. Everybody old zip. According to the latest research, 90% of employees plan to make enhancing the employee experience a top priority in 2022. After all, a happy workplace is the key to attracting and keeping

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I'm unfortunately going to have to stop in 10 minutes because I'm getting picked up to go do some more of this stuff here for this thing I'm working on. All right. Cunty, Joann Howard. I defended Joann Howard last week. I thought it was great. I think what's wrong with the world right now is there's

so many people that need a fucking good slap, but you can't anymore because of cell phone cameras. And then the slap E gets money and nobody asks, well, why did they slap him? So this person is trying to tell me that Joann Howard is cunty. Hey there, Billy basketball. Joann Howard is the cunt.

If you don't want teams taking timeouts while you're getting your ass whipped, then stop full court pressing and take out all your starters. Oh, that's the other side of the story. Oh, so they were also on, they were both on their rag. Also, if you're going to punch someone, then do it like a man and don't mush their face with half a punch like a bitch. No, no, no, no, that's the difference between getting sued.

Like I think you can slap someone across the face and not get sued. But if you punch them, they bruise. The great thing about a slap is by the time the cops get there, the person's face isn't red anymore. And he can just be like, I didn't, I didn't touch him. Underrated a nice fucking slap. This isn't, you know, I love a slap too, because a slap is

like, you don't even think they're man, a man and a man enough for a fucking closed fist. So you slap them the way men used to hit their wives when it was legal. You know, do you think when it was legal, they used to do it more often like people who now wouldn't like, is it the fear of jail or the knowledge that you shouldn't hit a woman? That's the question.

This isn't the first time old Juwan Howard has had problems with other coaches and it's only his third in the conference. Well, if you're getting your ass kicked and you're still full court pressing with your starters in there, that is a cunty move. The guy is a fucking asshole. That's this asshole's opinion anyway. All right.

I like in the end and you like you might be wrong. Thanks for the podcast and the comedy. Love all of it. Well wishes to you and the family. All right. Fair enough. All right, but at the end of the day, I don't think as a five foot 10 inch human being, you should be yelling at a guy

six foot 11 and not expect somebody at least near you to take a fucking slap from across the room. All right, robbery story. Bill Ricker in the 90s from a lady. I used to do stand up at the bell rick and 99s 99 restaurant in bell rickham in the 1990s. All right. Hey Bill, no need to insult someone.

You're about to tell a story. All right. Let me set the scene for you. Yeah, that's it. Set the table for me. I was in my senior year of high school working at a craft supply store in bell rickham, Massachusetts in the 1990s. One of the last great decades there was at least in my life.

I was head of the cheerleading squad and looked the part in hindsight. I would have targeted me too. I like how you just basically said I was a hot piece of ass. And if I saw me, I'd take a shot too. Anyway, we were closing on a Sunday. Wait, no, no, that's not what you I was head of the cheerleading squad and looked the part in hindsight.

I would have targeted me too. I forgot what this story was about. I immediately thought that some guy came in and tried to look up your fucking cheerleader skirt. Like, that's how you went to work. I'm an idiot. What you're saying is, is that you look like fucking like, oh, golly gee, rah, rah, sis, boom, bah.

You didn't look like you could defend yourself. I'm sorry. We were closing on a Sunday when a sketchy looking man walked in. We didn't get too many men in the craft store. I was the only one up front. I was in the middle of vacuuming up ribbon and pieces of my soul from that miserable job. When I heard a man say, hey, I rolled my eyes, shut the vacuum

off and spun around with a big smile. Yes, sir. Can I help you? I said, uh, yeah, can I said, uh, yeah, can you check me out? He responded. He said, you should have said, okay. Oh, no, no, I get what you said. Yes, sir.

Can I help you? I said, uh, yeah, can you check me out? He responded. Sorry. I didn't read this right. The punctuation and capitalizations of letters. They're freaked out. Didn't freak me out.

Confused me. All right. He responded. Yeah. Can you check me out holding a bag of glitter? It's the strangest thing I've ever seen anyone randomly grab. Sure. Come on over.

I said, he followed me to the cash register. Wonderful. Turning your back to him. As I was typing in the code for the glitter, he leaned in and said, look at me, sweetheart. I have a gun in my pocket. When you open up that drawer, you're going to give me all the money in it and not say a word.

I slit the glitter. I set the glitter down, looked him dead in the eyes and said, do you know how many times a day I open this drawer and have to talk myself out of taking all the money in it? Wait, you said what? Looked him dead in the eyes and said, do you know how many times a day I open this drawer and have to talk myself out of taking all the money in it as I'm dealing with little old ladies and their coupons

all day? Shove the glitter up your ass. I ain't giving you shit. You fucking said that? Your job was so miserable that you actually put your life on the line. The gay dude, she goes, he looks so confused for a minute, then he just ran out of the store. To bring life full circle, I became a substance abuse counselor in Boston

after college, bright eye and bushy tail. I walked into my first group session and this asshole was sitting there. What are the fucking chances? I don't know. This story sounds pretty wild to me. This is like one of the coolest stories ever or are you just fucking with me? A decade later in several cities away, here he was again. I never told him who I was, but I did confirm that he was who I thought he was.

Life's wild. I mean, what are the odds of that happening? Is that his highest fucking get eaten by a fucking shark if you go to the Caribbean? I keep saying the Caribbean because I love Australia. Not that I don't love the Caribbean. I just know I'm not going to go there because it's just too fucking hot. That is one of the most epic fucking things ever if you really said that. I looked him dead in the eye and said, do you know how many times a day I open this drawer

and have to talk myself out of taking all the money in it as I'm dealing with little old ladies and their coupons all day, shove that glitter up your ass. I ain't giving you shit. I really shouldn't read these stories. This is irresponsible because people are going to fucking, you know, somebody says they got a gun. I'm gonna be like, all right, you want to take arts and crafts money? Is this going to get you that house in the water? We dealer robbery.

Hey, Billy Bongrip, like people rob a fucking arts and crafts store because they're trying to buy a house. What a stupid theory that was. They rob in it because they want money for drugs. Hey, Billy Bongrip, you've been asking listeners to send in robbery stories. So here is a good one that had me in that happened to me in high school. Like many high schoolers, I made some money here and there through selling weed to my friends. Oftentimes I took referrals from people I trusted. One time my buddy referred me to someone I didn't know and being stupid.

I took them up on it. I started talking to this guy. My friend, my friend referred to me, referred me to and he was sketchy out of the gate wanting to only meet at night and such. Again, being stupid, I took my girlfriend and wait a minute, what the fuck happened? I was thinking about the fact that I ate two cupcakes last night and why did I do that? Why couldn't I stop at one? Okay, I made money here and there through selling weed. Oftentimes I took referrals from people I trusted.

One night my buddy referred me to someone I didn't know and being stupid. I took them up. Anyway, I took my girlfriend at the time to his neighborhood in a very bad part of town. As we were driving towards his place, we could see people following my car, throwing bottles and whatnot. Just a bad vibe. The guy told me to pull down this dead end street and park my car. After waiting a minute or two, we could see this figure approaching my car from the back left side. He entered the back left door and I told him where the weed was.

He grabbed the backpack I had and put the weed in and started getting out. I said, hey, where's the cash? Right then he pulled the gun out of his hoodie and put it to the back. My head said, count to 60 and back out. My girlfriend started counting and we left. I was in such shock and it was about $600 worth of weed. So yeah, it sucked balls. My stupidest moment of the whole story is that instead of comforting my girlfriend back home,

I started making food just to try to distract from what had just happened. Fucking insane. Anyways, thanks for the comedy. Go fuck yourself. Yeah, you had a traumatic experience and you weren't ready to deal with it. All right, I got one more here. Wow. That's some feeling I don't ever want to know.

The feeling of a fucking gun to your goddamn head. A lady looking for advice. Hey, old Billy freckle speckle. I'm a lady listener since 2009. Big fan of all your work and loved you in the recent dog movie. Yes, go out and go see the movie dog. It's playing now at your local showcase cinemas there. Anyway, I need some advice from my husband.

This year we are celebrating our 20th anniversary together. Congratulations. And I'm struggling on what to get him. We've been together since high school, so there is not much surprise left in our relationship, which is fine. We're both very happy and still in love, but I'm really not sure what the hell to get him as a present. I was thinking about doing one of those boudoir photo shoots that are growing in popularity. Get your hair and makeup done and basically pay a shit ton of money to take sexy photos.

Don't fucking do that. Have some fucking creep. Keep the negatives. However, do they even use film anymore? However, I'm thinking he'll look at the pictures once and the album will get put inside a cabinet for years. I'm curious what you think is a good gift or if Nia has ever purchased you something that you absolutely loved. We don't have any kids, so we typically go out all the time and buy whatever we want, so it's really tough. I have no clue.

Any help is appreciated. Thanks and go fuck yourself. I had the best Christmas I've had as an adult this past year. My wife bought me a little Bose speaker thing that synced up to my phone and wherever I go, I can just take this thing with me. It's like a little stereo just cranks my music. I got the fucking Apple headphones and I guess one other thing. Does he have a hobby or something like that? If he has a hobby, just buy him the next level thing in his hobby.

I would do something like that. Then there's always the classic, take the guy out to dinner and then blow him afterwards. That's 100%. Take him out to Chuck E. Cheese and fucking blow him in the parking lot like you're still in high school. Like you did way back. Make him remember why he married you. And the same thing goes for guys. Make the ladies remember why you married them.

Take them to Dairy Queen and chow their box in the back. I was fucking with you. That's not why they married you. They're taking to some stupid fucking store and buying another goddamn designer bag that they don't need. That's why they married you. And then go run an errand after you're already out that requires you to drive past the house as they tell you to swing by. Can you swing by over here? I'm driving past the house that's not swinging by.

All right, that's the podcast everybody. Anyway, I got to go do this bullshit. I'm going to be super busy over the next month. My podcasts are still going to be coming out on Mondays, I think, or maybe not. I don't know with our shoot schedule. It's going to be fucking a little crazy. So I might have to be adjusting when these things come out. I will let you know how it's going to work as my weekends on this shoot are going to be Thursday and Friday.

And we work the other five days. So I think that I might have to record the Monday morning podcast on like a Friday. So who cares? I can still do it. I'll figure it out. That's it. Go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you on Thursday. I'll check in on you on Thursday.