Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 2-29-16

Episode Date: March 1, 2016

Bill rambles about cake fractions, tribal council and Tourette Syndrome.

Ikea, tip of the week. Do you like to get a gift? You can count on us. Because until April 15, Ikea family members will be free to buy a warm meal for adults. Ikea Ikea Happy birthday to the poor sad cunts who only have a birthday once every four years.

You know? Good Lord, can you imagine going on that first date with that broad bitchin' about that? I always fell left out. It was like everybody else had a birthday every single year. It was like I was zero, then I was four, then I was eight. You know, she'd be in good shape though, huh? And fucking 75% less birthday cake every year, right? Now wait, how does that math work out?

If in four years you had four slices of cake, right? But you were born in the leap year, you only had one. Yeah, that percentage doesn't work. Because you know, you have one, somebody else has two, they got 100% more than you got, right? Provided that they're equal slices. No, Jesus, Bill, you're gonna break out fractions? I think I'm gonna. Still a little birthday cake fractions.

All right, so then they're getting fucking 300% more cake than you are? Man, I bet, you know, something, I bet anybody who's born on February 29th is either a miserable cunt or just one of the coolest laid-back people like, you know, oh my god, another birthday, aren't there years flying by? No, no, they're not actually, to be honest with you. That's kind of weird. Like, when the fuck are you actually like, like say when you're 29, you know? That doesn't work.

You're 28, it's gotta be fours, right? Oh wait, you're zero. Jesus Christ, this would be fucking annoying. Zero, if you had a baby born on the 29th, right, you're zero the first year. All right? One, two, three. No, four, it'd be back again to four, right? I don't fucking know.

All I know is that somebody's birthday today and it hasn't been their birthday since 2012, so happy fucking birthday. What does that work out? 16, 15, 14, 13. 12 would be five years. I can't fucking do it. I don't know when it was. Was it once every three years?

Ah, Jesus. Anything that happens every four years usually sucks. People's birthdays on leap year, World Cup soccer, the Olympics, you know. I actually like Olympic hockey, but then I hit all those fucking douches who never watch hockey and they'd be like, see if it was like this, I would watch it all the time. What, only two weeks long with no fighting, you fucking douche? Beat it. Nobody cares whether you're watching or not.

At least I don't. At least I don't. So anyways, I apologize for the, you know what, I don't apologize. Oh, okay, I will. I will. I'll apologize for the podcast being this late. I was going to do it on Sunday when I was up in Fox Woods, Joe. Let's go to the fucking casino out in the middle of the woods, Joe.

Um, I was going to record on Sunday, but, uh, Verzi got some tickets to see the Yukon Houston Cougars game. Up, uh, you know, big fucking program. By the way, man, how about the fire, you know, very quietly. I probably shouldn't say very quietly. I just don't pay attention to the sports. Ladies hoops. You know. I knew that fucking, uh, Tennessee with Pat summit, right?

It was fucking crushing. And I know Yukon was, I thought they were doing all right, but I thought it was mainly fucking Pat summit. And then I went to the goddamn Yukon game. I got a picture of it here on my phone. You know, somebody sent me a picture of a freckle of a hairless pit bull that had freckles. It's the most adorable thing you've ever seen in your life, but the person said it looked like me. I like a good tweet, you know, I don't give a shit if you break my balls if it makes me laugh. All right.

So the fucking ladies, the lady Huskies, well, let's do it in order here. Let's do the guys first. Consider and they have way less. You know, you always want to build towards your closing bit. All right. The guys, the fellas have won four national championships since 1999. All right. The Yukon men's Huskies have won 1999, 2004, 2011, 2014.

That's very fucking respectable. Is anyone more than that? I don't know. I'm not going to look it up. Kentucky or Duke, I would guess maybe not Duke, right? Duke, Duke, Duke. All right. Um, but the ladies, they want it 95.

They want it in 2000, 2002, 2003, 2004. 2009, then the fucking goddamn poor excuse for speakers hanging from that fucking building that they have with the ceilings peeling is in the way of the next two banners. They want it 2014, 2050. Now I got to fucking look it up. Well, as far as what I can see here on the phone, that's one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. And there's two other banners behind it.

That's got to be a championship one. Yeah. National champions. What an asshole. Why the fuck did I walk down and take it correctly? Or maybe look it up before I did this. All right. Hang on a second.

Hang on, hang on, hang on. Oh, Jesus. Now I'm typing on my phone. This is going to take the fucking ever. I looked up the most random women's Huskies. Why would I write that? That's not going to get me there. Yukon Huskies championships.

All right. Give me the ladies. The ladies better come up first. The men's too. You sexist motherfuckers. National championships. You fucking good. Hang on.

Ladies, ladies. There we go. Can I get women's basketball? I apologize. If I had any fucking decency, I would edit most of this out, but I'm not going to. All right. National tournament champion. Conference championships.

Jesus fucking Christ. Nobody cares about any of this. Elite eight final four tournament champions. 95, 2000, 2002, 2003, 2004, 2009, 2010, 2013, 2014, 2015. Two, three, four, five. They wanted five out of the last six fucking years. And since the year 2000, remember that cone a bit? They've wanted one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine fucking times.

Total domination. Fucking dog snoring. You know, my dog's getting fat. I don't know what's going on with it. We changed this food. We started getting her an extra can because she's always fucking coming over licking the bowl there. You know, we felt bad for her. Now you should see it.

She looks like a fucking state worker, right? Tennessee lady falls. All right. Here we go. Come on, Wikipedia. What the fuck are you? Lady vol. What do you say?

What do you think? What do you think has more, huh? I got to go with Connecticut at that point, huh? Bill, this might be the most boring podcast ever. Well, what do you, you know, you get what you pay for? All right, fucking, I'm not looking it up anymore. My eyes are seeing, seeing double here. Um, very impressed with both of them, man.

They're quietly crushing. It's a nice small campus. They play in this little ass building with shit peeling from the ceiling. The student section was hilarious. You know, when they introduced the other team, they sit there reading the newspaper. I thought that was funny. Now I'm sure somebody's going to say, well, okay, Alcord fucking university used to do that. I don't give a shit.

It's the first time I saw it. It was funny to me. Um, dude, there was a guy sitting behind us, like classic New England sports fan. I never heard a guy like anytime the ball didn't go in for the Huskies. He, he had a reason every fucking time down the court. And this is what killed me. So I'm like, all right, this guy's a total hoop head, right? And I turn around and he has on a red socks hat and t-shirt.

So he's basically a sports maniac, right? The guy missed a shot. He'd be like, Hey, he didn't follow through. Next time they come down the court, the guy, the guy, he should have been rotating around. He's the second they had the double team. He should have been rotating around next time down the court. Somebody slips. What is it?

Something wrong with the floor? I just kept nudging Verzi. He would, he would go on like, like, like the fucking lady Huskies there. He would go on like four, five, four, five runs there. Except instead of winning championships, he'd be like bitch moaning and complaining. And at one point he made a point, you know, they threw it to their big goof there. And that guy fucking missed the ball. And the guy goes, you know, if he had a pair of hands, he would have had two there.

And Verzi turned around goes, you know what, you're right. And the guy just looked at him with like an angry look. Like he was, he was so pissed that Yukon was losing. And we actually, you know, I know they're only having a mediocre year this year. I mean, he can't fucking win it every year, but you could sense when you were in there, the level of how seriously everybody was taking it. Because Verzi kept saying like, wow, these people take this shit really seriously here. And I just kept pointing up to all the banners.

I'm like, I would say at this point they're kind of used to winning. So I guess they're having a disappointing year. I guess I have no idea. I didn't look it up. I just started talking about it. It's what I did. But that's why the podcast was not ready. I had a great time up at Foxwood's resort casinos, by the way. I want to thank them for having me. It was their 24th anniversary, right?

So they say to me, before I get there, they said, is there any way before your first show, if you could come down, there's a big dinner or something, we'd love if you could meet the tribal council and just stop by and say hello, right? These are my employers for the weekend. What am I going to say? No, so I'm like, absolutely. I want to meet these Native Americans that fucking beat the white man, you know, and got their own fucking casino, right?

So I go down there and I just thought I was going to swing by a table and say hello to somebody. Thank them for the gig. And next thing you know, they got this whole, this is like fucking eyes wide shut fucking dinner going on, you know, the shining kind of shit in the bowels of the casino. There's some band and there's a stage and there's like this guy smiley looking fucking political guy on stage. And next thing you know, he's given me an intro. I had no fucking idea I was going on. I have no idea who these people are.

And furthermore, these people had no idea who I was. And I just walk out and they go, we got a local funny man here this weekend. Please welcome comedian Bill Byrne. I was standing there going, is he bringing me up? Is he bringing me up? And I just fucking walk on stage and I take the mic and I was like, I'm looking at all these old people and shit and they just stare at me. I was like, I kind of had no idea I was going to be brought up here.

But you know, congratulations on 24 years. I'm sure most of you people here know who the next four presidents are going to be on behalf of regular people. If you could do something about the population problem, I'd really appreciate it. And all of this shit is getting nothing. Right. I just started talking to him like they were running the world and just looking at me like I got fucking 10 heads. And I just said, I just sort of peed it out and I went and onward and upward. I just handed it back to Guy Smiley. And there was just like a little smattering of applause.

And I just walked back into the hall with the promoter as we're walking away. I was like, what the fuck was that? He's like, I don't know. That's how he talks. I didn't know what it was. I thought you're true. I was under the impression that you were going to just say hello on the table. You know, nobody knows anything.

Right. And they just fucking wheel you around. Um, yeah. And then we just fucking, I think we got on a golf cart at that point. We know when we walked through the halls and then they walked me by the crowd that was going into my show. So I look like a complete jerk off. I fucking I love seeing people after the show. I fucking hate seeing people before the show. I don't know why.

I don't know if it's a superstition. It's just weird to me to be for me to just be walking by like the first time you see me. I'm just walking down the fucking hall. Oh, there's that jerk off. And then you just start looking at it. Why did I pay to see that? Look at him. But anyways, we had a, um, we had a great fucking time.

I had a bunch of family and friends coming out. People hadn't seen in years. Do you know my first best friend that I ever had in life actually came up to the gig and, um, I hadn't seen him in 36 years. And, um, I was actually thinking the last time I saw him, you know, the reason why my family, we moved away from the town that we had lived in. And, um, I just remember we were both, how fucking old was I? I think we were like seven or eight and you don't know how to say goodbye. You know, I probably have been friends with the kids since I was like four. So basically half my life, I was friends with this kid.

So we had loaded up the moving van the last time, like we would do in the U-Haul thing. You know, we'll do it ourselves. And we just made like 900 fucking trips in this thing. And, um, we were loading it up for the last time and, uh, he lived across the street from me. So I walked down my driveway and he was out there and he knew this was, he knew it was it. I knew it was it. And we were just too young. Didn't know.

Yeah. You don't have to say it's seven. So some kid wrote buying a, had just written buying a bike. And I remember he just said something to me like, Oh yeah, that kid was trying to say that blah, blah, blah, blah. I couldn't remember anything. I was like, Oh yeah, you're okay. I was like, all right, all right.

And he just started to walk away and I walked away in the other direction. And then we both looked over our shoulder at the same time. And then that was it. I got in the fucking U-Haul and that was it. I think I came back to the neighborhood like four years later. I saw him one other time. So yeah, 1980s. Cause I left in 76 saw him in 80 and then I hadn't seen him since then.

So, uh, we got caught up talking about the old fucking times, man. We didn't even get into it either, man. Jesus Christ. Some of the shit we used to do, you know, we used to play with fucking matches. That's what you used to do back then when there was like, like playing with matches was like, I don't know, like having a game boy or whatever these fucking kids do nowadays. And his dad had these things. We used to call them monkey matches.

It was just a book of matches. And for some reason they just had a picture of a monkey like wearing like a hat. Like, like that was like highbrow humor back then, like dressing monkeys up like human beings. You know, and also having pictures of dogs playing poker and shit. Passing cards underneath the table with their paws and shit. You know, so his dad, for whatever reason, always had these matchbooks that had pictures of monkeys that were like, you know, dressed like dentists, you know, like lab coats on and shit or just some stupid fucking hat. You know, and so we would do, we would go over and we would like basically underneath the tree,

we would bunch up a bunch of pine needles and you would just light it on fire and just look at the fire and then try and put it out. And, you know, sometimes you put it out, sometimes you didn't, sometimes a neighbor would come running over, Christ, what the fuck are you kids doing? What the hell are you doing? I did that one time. I lit it and all of a sudden it just got completely out of control and this guy came running over the giant trash can that he had filled up with water.

Thank fucking Christ. And then somebody else in the neighborhood, I remember fucking lit it on fire. I lit the whole fucking woods on fire. And I know who it was, too, because he rode down to the fire station and said that he didn't do it, but he knows that he knew that my friend did it and he fucking ratted out my friend. And I'm sure the fire department was looking at the kid, looking at him like, listen, you little rat, we know you fucking did it, right? So what I was cool to see him and I don't even know what the fuck I'm talking about.

I hate doing this thing after I've been on a fucking plane. Oh, you know what, I watched it on the plane. For the second time I saw the movie Black Mask. I know that that kind of got mixed reviews. That's one of those movies you got to see it more than once. See it the second time. Dude, Johnny Depp is fucking unbelievable in that movie. He's unfucking believable and there's a couple other actors there.

I got to get their fucking names. They were absolutely amazing, but I liked it the first time. I loved it the second time I saw it. So, you know, I know, but most people I heard from were from Massachusetts. They're like, dude, the fucking accent, you just shut the fuck up. You know, when I went to Fargo, they were bitching about the fucking accents in Fargo. Does that mean Fargo is a bad movie? Oh, why don't we hire you who's not an actor?

We'll have you fucking do it and we'll see how that works out. But I just felt, you know, the second time when I saw it, like the pacing of it, I felt like they tied it in to like the absolute sociopath main character that they were trying. You're so fucked up as I'm nervous about talking about it. That's the level of power that those fucking guys had. It reminded me of the Shawshank Redemption where a lot of people I know the first time they saw that, they didn't like that movie because they felt it was so long and was dragging on and on and on and on. But my theory on that movie was they were giving you the sense of what it was like to do time.

Where it becomes like this open ended thing, no beginning, no middle, no end. It actually sounds like I'm shitting on the movie, but it just the way it would fade down and then just fade up. And every time in the crowd, you'd like be anticipating that there'd be this major turn and it was just another day in prison a few years later. I kind of felt like they were trying to do that with the Whitey Bulger character where, you know, they were saying like he was a sociopath. And how he slowly drew in the FBI guys to the point that they were entangled in his bullshit. And he insulated himself that way. I really, I don't know, maybe I was too dumb to get all of that shit the first time. But the second time I watched it, like I said, I went from liking that movie to fucking loving that movie. So whatever, give it a shot if you haven't.

But speaking of which, the fucking Oscars will last night, huh? White guys fucking crushing it. Oh, we fucking, we cleaned up last night. Woo! Just fucking with you, man. That was a, I only got to see, I got to see Chris Rocks open a monologue, which I thought was great. But he handled the whole thing fucking perfectly. And what else did I see?

I didn't see a lot. Because right as it started, the show was starting. I think we had a nine o'clock show and it started a little bit after eight, but I have no idea who won what. I know the Boston movie about the fucking pedophile priest. I heard that that thing won. That was it. Nobody fell down, nothing else happened. Right? Is that it? Oh, very quietly. The first Asian director, I believe, ever fucking won something. Is that what I saw?

I don't know. This is, you know, just a reoccurring thing. I'm not going to look anything up. I'm just going to start talking about it. And, you know, that's going to be it. You know what? I don't understand, like, I don't understand the weight that people put on the fucking Oscars though. I really got to tell you that though. You know what I mean? I just don't, I don't fucking get it. I was joking this weekend, like, just sitting there watching a bunch of adults running around wanting to win a trophy. It's like, well, what are you, in fucking Little League?

Trophies are for kids, aren't they? You give ribbons and shit and they make some feel good and you take them out for a fucking snow cone and then that's it, you know? You put them to bed, you get yourself a whiskey and you sit there and you stare at the wall. And that's basically your life. I mean, how old are you? You need a fucking trophy? Yeah, I don't give a shit about like that type of stuff, but I definitely think that there should be opportunity for everybody, you know? I'd like to hear everybody's stories. So I had no problem with any of that shit. But I do just think it's funny that people fucking flip out and start crying about winning a goddamn trophy.

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B-U-R-R. That's Stamps.com. Enter Burr. Alright, and with that, it's mercifully over. It's mercifully over. Alright, I don't know if you guys know this, but I guess they're working on cars that are going to drive themselves. They're going to drive themselves in the future. I don't know why. I mean, how fucking lazy are people going to get?

I mean, it's going to be great for drinking and driving. It'd just be drinking and riding, you know? All of a sudden, you'll always have that fucking thing. Right? I don't like this, man. I don't like how everything's becoming fucking automated. You know, I feel like rich people are gradually phasing us out. You know?

Because you know goddamn well, the only reason why they allow us to exist is because they need us to farm. Right? They need us to deliver shit. They need us to do a bunch of shit, and I could add another example. I don't know, dance around like a monkey at a fucking casino. Come downstairs and say a couple of words at your little fucking Illuminati party in the basement. They need us to do that. But once everything is automated and it just handles its fucking self,

do you think you could be a part of that group? What if you were part of a group that was just going to slowly fucking just phase everybody else out? You know? And somehow it would happen in your lifetime. All right? Like, who would you keep? These are very Hitler-esque type questions, but this is the type of fucking madness that I think everybody's capable of. You know, especially, I don't know, if you travel on the road, some of the dope should fucking meet out there.

Watching people getting stirred up, you know? In all honesty, I can't stand, like, the choices that we have for president right now, you know, as it starts to go towards, as a fucking torpedo, that fucking St. Bernard looking guy, Bernie Sanders, right? His jowls, as a torpedo, his fucking campaign, and all Democrats are walking around. He can't win. He can't win. I love that. I'm a pussy to fucking vote for him.

That's why. Right? So you're going to vote for this fucking, this clammy fucking crook or this guy who isn't saying anything. But like, I really believe that, you know, you could talk people into fucking wiping out everybody on the planet. He's very easily. Just listen to Donald Trump, his speeches where he just says absolutely nothing. You know, he said today he was talking to college graduates and he's literally going like, I'm going to bring jobs back to the United States.

You wait. There's going to be more jobs here by the time I'm done. It's going to make your head spin. I'm going to have, I'm going to have Apple bring manufacturing jobs back from China to here. Okay. And people clapped. He never has to say how he's going to do all. I'm going to plug up the hole in the ozone layer.

Water's going to be clear. I'm going to get rid of all terrorism. And that's going to be the first week. I like this guy. This guy makes sense. He's making it great again. You know, and then you got Hillary out. She just talks through her fucking teeth.

It's like, you know, she looks like she should be doing like a ventriloquist act, but the puppet isn't there. I just can't fucking, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't fucking know. No idea. And I don't even know who the other guys are. I just heard a couple of them talking, trying to trash Donald Trump.

And they just, they sounded pathetic. Just not good speakers. This is just a, this is a bad one. This is a bad one. You know, I got people watching, you know, you know, if you got a great college program and a bunch of seniors fucking graduate, graduate and you just, you know, you just go through a bad four year period. I think that's what we're coming through. We're coming out of right now.

You know, I like this one guy who was saying he was going to get rid of Obamacare if he was elected and people like applauding. Like I just, I don't fucking get it. I don't get why I don't even, I don't have Obamacare. I guess my tax dollars pay for it, but I don't have any problem with somebody like, I don't want my fellow countrymen walking around with a fucking toothache. You need your spleen removed. Fuck you. Figure it out for yourself. Why don't we help each other out a little more?

You know, why can't we do that? And if elected, anybody needs this spleen out. Donald Trump. I bet I could run. I could run for president. If that's all you got to do is just say you're going to do all this awesome shit. You never fucking do it. Everyone will have healthcare and it will be free.

All right. Oh, this weekend, by the way. Oh, the self-driving cars. Let's get back to that fucking thing. So evidently some self-driving car hit a bus, which is fucking tremendous for anybody who loves driving. That is such a tremendous fucking thing that happened today or yesterday or maybe last year. All I know is I just found the fucking story. I'm so fucking psyched.

It's the self-driving car hit the fucking, hit the fucking bus. I mean, even though it was only going like two miles an hour, it's just so fucking great because it hit a bus. So all you got to say is just, you know, just be like, well, what if there was a bunch of kids on that bus, right? And then that'll delay it a good 20 fucking years. Let me see if I can find this story. Self-driving. Google says it bears some responsibility after self-driving car hits bus. Can you fucking believe that?

Well, was there was there a person driving the bus? I would say that you have all the fucking responsibility unless this guy literally drove into the fucking thing. Alphabet Incorporated Google said on Monday it bears some responsibility after one of its self-driving cars struck a municipal bus in a minor crash earlier this month. The crash may be the first case of one of its autonomous cars hitting another vehicle and the fault of the self-driving car. Dude, this is going to be a shit show. This is just one and it already hit a fucking bus. You know what I mean? That's fucking lunacy.

It's fucking lunacy, man. I will tell you, I mean, I think it will cause people to drink like they've never drank before. Most nights I don't drink out here because I drive myself places. I don't fucking Uber. Well, that'll put Uber out of business, right? Well, I guess if you don't have a fucking car, I don't know. Don't you guys like driving? I hope you have like the option.

My thing is how is the insurance going to work? Because you know goddamn well, there's no way the insurance company is going to take that fucking liability on. And then they're claiming they're going to get rid of, there'll be no more deaths from car accidents. There's going to be no more accidents. It's just going to be, it's going to be like just accident free. And this is amazing to me that this, that it's gotten this fucking far considering, you know, that like the amount of times they tried to kill the electric car, right? You know, big oil companies, that type of thing.

I mean, you're fucking with their blue blood money. You know what I'm having that? Let's go electrocute an elephant to show how fucking dangerous these cars are, right? So, like, this is the only thing I can think, these insurance companies, they're making enough money to go down there and whack somebody at ABC Incorporated, right? You know, they fucking do shit like that. You go to a diner and all of a sudden you stagger out going, they poison me and you do a face plant, then your invention disappears.

Oh, I'm going down the rabbit hole. This is why I think they're letting this one go through. Because they're eventually going to get rid of all of us. And when they do that, they're going to have no more limo drivers. So they're like, well, what are we going to do in the future if we want to ride somewhere? I mean, I'm not going to drive my car in soil, my wealthy hands, am I? And then somebody's like, well, what if we just had a, we'll just make the cars drive themselves. Oh, okay.

Okay. Kill them all then. Yes, thank you. Poison them, remove them from the planet. I don't know if they got rid of everybody. How long it would take for this fuck, you know, to go back to normal. You have to take all the nuclear waste, right? Just send it out, you know, out in the fucking space, right?

Send it towards Mars. Just make sure you don't hit the moon. And all you do is just fucking chill out in your little house. I wonder how long it would take to undo all the shit that people leave behind. You know, fucking going to do with all of that. That's all going to go into the soil. That take a little, you know, it wouldn't happen in your lifetime. Jesus Christ, I am all over the place, man.

What the fuck am I talking about here? Murdering people and self-driving cars. You should see this fucking car, by the way. This fucking self-driving car makes the Volkswagen Beetle look like a goddamn Lamborghini. People on the Simpsons drive a better looking car than that fucking thing. You know, they're all going to be the exact same fucking one, right? You'll have your options of like three different colors, like white, black, or beige. Oh, man, this is not uplifting.

I'll tell you what's uplifting. March 5th, this weekend, UFC 196 Conor McGregor. UFC 196. What do they call in this one? Do they stop naming them, by the way? Have they come up with 196 adjectives that describe how fucking tremendous that sport is? You know, they were UFC 12, the redemption, the revenge, whatever. They always had like these cool fucking names.

Once you get up to like 196, they got to be running out, right? Let me see what they got here. UFC 196 Conor McGregor versus some guy Diaz. I wish I knew these guys' names better. I'm, you know, there's only so much shit I can pay attention to. He's taking on late replacement Nate Diaz. Jesus, what happened? He was supposed to fight somebody else?

Rafael, I'm not going to fucking insult Latinas by trying to pronounce it. Although I could give you a good laugh here. Rafael Dos Años. Rafael Dos Años was bounced from his showdown against Conor with a broken foot. Ah, get the fuck. Do you know I was reading something on McGregor today? Do you know? I don't understand.

Somebody in the fight came. Please explain this to me. That guy walks around at 170 and he's shredded. And then before his fight, for whatever fucking reason, he's got to go down to 145. Now I can understand if the other guy just walks around at 145 or maybe 155 and Conor, for whatever reason, just wants to beat the fuck out of the guy. So he's willing to starve himself down to 145 for the love of God. Can anybody in the fight game that that does this?

Why can't, you know, if Conor walks around at 170 and the other guy's walking around at 165, why don't they just fight it like 160? Why do they got to bring everybody all the way to fuck down there? I just don't understand why they got to do that shit. Check out the Sports Illustrated article on Conor McGregor. They got like this whole thing where they only briefly talk about it, but they're talking about cutting weight. And it actually sounds in a lot of ways worse than the fight,

like talking about the pain and the agony of it. I can't even, I'm not going to be able to do it justice because I just read it. I have a very poor memory and I've never gone through it. But Holly Holmes also fighting against Misha Tate and I'm taking a night off from stand up and I'm going to fucking hang. You know what's great? This is the one sport that I can really watch my wife like. She likes going to live hoop too, but she loves the fucking UFC.

She gets into it like at a crazy level. There was a time when he, that guy kicked, kicked the other dude and he had the compound fracture, you know, and his fucking leg bent all the way back. I was just like, I walked out. I'm like, all right, done, done. I can't watch that. She, she was rewinding it, wanted to watch it again and was like, like literally interested in it. Which means she either should have been a serial killer or gotten into the medical field

because if you can fucking stomach that either way. I can, I'm really excited to see this shit this weekend. Even if they're quick fights, even if it's a bad thing, doesn't make you at least want to work out. You see those guys and fucking women getting in there. They're all fucking jacked. You looking down at yourself, usually finishing off a pizza. And they put the fuck am I doing going down to Home Depot tomorrow. I'm getting a sledgehammer and a big fucking tire.

You know, and you know what you're doing for a couple of days and then you quit. That's why you're not a champion. Like what you're going to see on fucking Saturday. There you go. There's my promo for the UFC. All right, let's, let's, let's read some fucking letters for this week. Shall we, everybody? Chances are because we're Cleo.

You're losing your figure, sweetheart. Glad you didn't walk the red carpet at the, at the fucking Oscars. They would have been all over you. All right, leaving the country if Trump wins. Dear Billy elect, what should take on people who say they're going to leave the country if Trump wins? Besides the potential for lanes to open up on the highway. I just hope the people that say they're going to leave, leave. So I don't have to point out who's a lying sack of shit.

They're obviously joking. No one's going to leave this country, but it's just, you know, he's a very extreme guy. You know, I think people said that when Obama, they definitely said it during George Bush. Some famous star said it, I remember. I thought it was like funny. Then of course, Fox News is, well, why don't you leave? Why don't you get the fuck out of here? You're like, fucking lunacy.

What do I think about people say that? I think it's kind of hacky at this point. I think that's what everybody says when there's somebody that's on the fringe on one side of the other. Somebody always ends up going, dude, just go fuck a winter. I'm going to leave. Where are you going to go? This is what people forget when you, when you leave this country, you, you immediately become an immigrant who's taking somebody else's job in the country that you're going to and you get treated as such.

You know, even if you white, they don't want, but they don't want Americans moving up to Canada, fucking with their population, taking their jobs, you know, all of a sudden you're standing this, driving a spike into a tree to take out some maple syrup instead of the other guy. They don't want that. They don't want that at all. All right. Yeah, I just think they're just saying, I mean, it's fucking scary. I mean, it's both scary.

I think Hillary was a fucking lion sack of shit, totally dishonest. And I think Donald Trump is a reality show star. That's the best we can fucking do. I just don't fucking get it. It keeps getting worse. Jesus fucking the last guy, the last guy that I thought was decent was the first George Bush. You know, I liked when he went into Kuwait and then like he said, all right, that's enough. That's enough.

He didn't go all fucking nuts and we got the fuck out of there. You know, and then fucking Clinton came in. I don't want the fuck that was a big frat party. He's getting his dick sucked. He's lying about shit. People got stuff on him, mysteriously die. I mean, it was fucking nuts. And then he bombed some people to get out of a fucking blowjob accusation.

The whole fucking thing was, I don't know. It's been crazy ever since. I don't know shit about politics. Don't listen to me. All right. Boyfriend smoking habit. Hey, Mr. Burr. Love the podcast and the standup.

Come to Rochester, New York soon. I would love, oh, you know what? You know what? There's a buffalo date and a Syracuse date in the works. Yes, ma'am. Yes, sir. Whatever. Wherever this is writing the shit.

I just scrolled down. Sorry. Love the podcast and the standup. Come to Rochester, New York. I would appreciate some advice from yourself and the lovely Nia if she's available. She ain't here today, man. All right. I've been with my boyfriend for almost two years.

And since day one, I knew of his daily weed smoking habit. He doesn't let it let it hinder his life. Still very social, faithful, going to going to work every day. He's scheduled. He eats healthy and he goes to the gym four to five days a week. I've tried getting used to it since it's something that he does. And it isn't a problem in his life. But I've never wanted to try drugs or alcohol.

So I don't know what the feeling of being under the influence of something is like. Now, because not because of that, my problem is unless I see him during the day and even then he'll take a hit. He's not sober. Is it wrong of me to be concerned that whenever he sees me, he's under the influence of something. Whenever we go to the movies or a comedy show, he'll bring half a cookie so we can quote enjoy the show more. And why don't I want him to relax after work by vaping a bag and hanging out with me? Considering this habit hasn't hindered his life in any way. Do I have a reason to be uneasy about this?

I understand why he does it. And he tells me it doesn't affect his feeling about feelings about me and about us being together. But it still makes me uneasy whenever I know he's high. Yeah, well, I mean, if you don't like it, you don't like it. And if he enjoys it, he enjoys it. So you both know where you stand. I got to be honest. I mean, if someone was drinking every day, there would be probably an issue with that.

Although there's no medicinal purposes for alcohol. Is there? Unless they're taking an arrow out of your back. Don't they like rub some on your gums or some shit? I can't remember how it goes. You take a shot. Is that what it is? You bite down on a fucking garden hose?

I don't remember. Yeah, I mean, if he's getting fucking baked all the time and he always, you know, so he'll enjoy it more. Yeah, that's a little bit of a red flag. You know, honestly, if you're fucking doing it every day and you're never really sober, he just sort of constantly just sort of high. That's probably not a good way to go through life, but it is his choice. I would just tell him, just be like, look, I'm not saying you can't smoke, but like you're high all the time. And I'm sober.

So I'm constantly talking to a buzzed you. And it bothers me. I would just tell him that. And I think that it's going to bother him because when you fucking smoke weed like that, it's a religion. You know what I mean? It's not like, you know, every day he comes home and he does this one little thing, puts his shoes in the wrong spot or some shit. This is like, you're talking about his state of consciousness when he's around you at all fucking times. Basically, you want him to alter that.

So that's kind of a major change. He didn't tell me how old he was, but I don't know. I don't know much about weed. I know some people say they get productive when they're when they're using it and that type of stuff, but I don't know. I really feel that, you know, and this is somebody who's like realized that his drinking is out of control again. So I just sort of stopped for the last fucking three days. I mean, I really have to watch it with myself. Okay, because I have the kind of job where, you know, I can get fucked up every night, basically, and then sleep in the next day.

Now, granted, my career would suffer and I wouldn't get anywhere. And eventually, you know, but I mean, I could do some before like my career totally did a fucking nose dive provided. I didn't like, you know, do something stupid, like fucking, you know, get behind the wheel of a car fucking assault somebody. If I was just getting drunk every day. Yeah, that would affect where I was in the business, but it'd be like a long seven year like tapering off, you know, back to doing the comedy vault at Remington's in Boston, which doesn't exist anymore. But, you know, I don't know. I just personally, I know I really got to watch it.

And my thing about people who smoke weed is the fact that they can be on it and nobody really knows. Like, you know, once they're high all the time, their experience being high and they can just go to work being high. And you can't do that drunk. You can't go to work like, you know, shotgun a beer and walk in. People just know it just doesn't work. But I'm not exactly 100% exact against it the way I used to in the early days of this podcast when I didn't know a lot about it. Now I'm understanding that there's certain people, you know, if they have really active minds, they need to fucking chill out. It's actually a great thing for them.

But I really think if you're doing it all the fucking time like that, yeah, like this is probably cause for an issue. They, you know, to bring it up like, hey, you kind of fucking basically wasted every time I talked to you. And then also, you know, that whole thing, you know, he brings half a cookie so he can enjoy the show. It's like you can't enjoy it sober. Like those are kind of some red flags. I don't know. And I also think that you can get addicted to that shit. You know, I think you I think a guy is to be honest with you.

People always think, nah, you're not really addicted to it. Oh yeah, you just do it every waking moment. You can't fucking enjoy something unless you're under the influence of it. There's something there. It's just because it's such a mellow thing. And it's not like, you know, I got a bunny mind from back in the day. Dude, he's completely fucking addicted to that shit. He says, I love weed because it turns my life into a movie.

And, you know, he's basically been high since we were sophomores in high school. And without a doubt, it's fucked with his memory. Without a doubt, it's fucked with his drive. You know, I don't know. But I understand wanting to get fucked up every day personally. It's fun. And the thing with weed, it's so easy. A couple of puffs and then, boom, you're there.

You know, drinking takes it off. I'm going to stop talking about this. I'm going to have a drink. I said, I'm going to take a week off here or so. All right, well, good luck with that. I would just say how you're feeling. And if it gives you, you know, it gives you shit back. I'd just be like, look, I mean, I'm not being an asshole here.

You're just like, you're high every day. Can you just like not be high a couple of days a week? But like, how do you do that and not feel like you're infringing on this guy's fucking lifestyle? I mean, I don't know. I would bring it up to, as I said, 20 minutes ago before I meandered my way through that. Sorry about that. All right. I fucked up.

Please advise. Dear Billy Gingercakes, I am a 26 year old fucking lady who's a tremendous fan of your work and all its glorious forms. Well, thank you very much. That scene in efforts for family with the dad balls when bill is stuck under the bed is the funniest fucking thing I've ever seen. Brilliant. Thank you.

I appreciate that. Um, I did, I did something really, then all capitals really dumb. And I would greatly appreciate your insight because I know you will tell me the ever elusive truth. I won't tell you why I'll tell you what I think is the truth, whether it's the right answer. You got to decide that for yourself. I had been friends with this guy for about two years and now you fuck them and you ruin

the friendship. That's what I'm, that's what I'm guessing here. We met through a larger group of friends. There was chemistry between us immediately. This guy is Sophie's married trying to see where, how, how, how this can go off the rails. This, this is reading in the beginning, like one of those dating sites, you know, they play that stupid piano, that stupid, dumb shit. There's could be a serial killer.

There's could be a sex offender. I don't know. We met through a larger group of friends. There was chemistry between us immediately. This guy is so funny and so smart and fun to be around. The problem is he has two penises. I'm kidding. She didn't write that, but he is also a complete and total whore.

Oh Jesus crushing it and good for him, but exactly the wrong guy to get hung up on. I knew I liked him too much. I couldn't help it, but I thought I could handle being friends with him and eventually, eventually the feelings would pass. No, no, you can't be around guys like that. This guy's a pussy getting son of a bitch. Right. Dracula would be like God damn it.

That guy's got game. Right. I mean all the, all the ladies love Dracula. He come up and start non on their fucking necks and that was it. Turn them into lady bats. Right. Then he kick them to the curb, get himself another chick the next day. We started hanging out a lot at least two or three nights a week.

Sometimes he said things that made me think maybe he liked me too. Then on my birthday we got drunk and had sex called it. Oh Jesus. She says, let me be clear. He started it. I just didn't stop it even though I knew it was a bad idea. It's like a little kid. He started it.

The worst part is when I woke up the next morning in his bed, in his bed, he was gone. Oh man. He fled the fucking scene. Bill, the dude shaped hold in the door. What? Told me that he was freaked out. The dude shaped hold in the door. I think you left some words out or I'm too fucking old to understand.

Is that some new slang? Told me he was too freaked out and decided, and I decided to give him some space. He called me four days later. I don't remember the conversation. Were you drunk? But he said he'd called me back. That was four months ago. Clearly he doesn't give a shit.

I get that. But I cannot understand how he could be so much in my life and then just never fucking talk to me again. The fuck, dude? The fuck. You sound cool as hell, by the way. The more immediate problem is that in a few weeks a mutual friend is having a birthday party and dude is gonna be there. What the fuck do I do, Bill? How do I face him?

Do I confront him? Do I ignore him? I'm bugging out. Please help me. Thank you in any advice. Oh, Nia's got a... I wish she was here this week. Alright, here's the deal.

Alright. This isn't about him. This is about you. Alright? Be honest with yourself. You kind of said it. You knew what this guy was. You knew who he was.

Alright? But he just had that fucking thing. Alright? He just had that fucking charisma or whatever. And two years into it you're drunk. He started it and you went through it, the whatever. You know? He got freaked out and confirmed what you knew all the time and he fucking left.

Alright? Now be honest with me. Do you want to fight that fight? Before you met this guy and you fantasized about the man you were going to marry. Was this how it was going to play out? Was this... Is this something that you want to fucking deal with? You realize you're going to have to...

Like, trying to bring this fucking fish in. The amount of heartache. The amount of extracurricular activities and all that fucking shit that comes along with a guy like this. Why would you do that? Why would you do that to yourself? You don't need this shit. Alright? The problem is you're trying to like...

You're trying to like figure out the sanity in somebody's insane behavior. Okay? You knew what he was and then he confirmed it. And now you're like, does he mean this? He's like, how could he just do that? Because he's a fucking lunatic. He's a lunatic. Who knows?

Because his dad ran around on his mom. Because his mom took off on his dad. Who the fuck knows? Because of his bullshit. His giant truckload of fucking bullshit. Okay? That he has still not even begun to deal with. Which is why he's behaving like that around you.

You don't fucking need that. Jesus Christ. All the guys in the fucking world. Go to the party and have a good time. Just tell him. Just, you know, if you see him just say, what's up? No need to be weird. Okay?

It's over. Whatever. We had a good time. It's fucking over. I knew you were nuts and now you confirmed it. Alright? Stop fucking looking at me like you're seeing it go. Like I just...

I would just go there and have a good time. I wouldn't ignore him. I wouldn't confront him. I would just say hello. And then I would go on with having him. If he wants to talk, talk to him. If he doesn't, just go on with having a good time. If you bump into him again, say hello again.

But don't let that fucking guy ruin your good time. Alright? And quit fucking wasting mental time trying to figure out his bullshit. He's not worth it. Fuck him. Alright? There you go. Fuck him.

Hey, who knows? You might meet Mr. Wright at that place. Woo! This could be! Everlast in the... Documentary suggestion. Dear Billy Boo. If you haven't seen the documentary on Netflix about the Ukraine Revolution,

you should definitely check it out. I would love to see that. It's called Winter on Fire. That sounds like a really bad 80s song. Winter on Fire! What was that? St. Elmo's Fire. I could fight some fucking Russians.

I don't like Vladimir Putin. I'm sorry. In the immortal words of Ron Burgundy, while that escalated quickly, my singing or the documentary, it starts with some activists deciding to congregate in one place, which started as an event sent out on Facebook and ended up replacing their president.

Every time I read shit like this, I am amazed at the human spirit and also feel so fucking lucky that I haven't had to experience that in a country. In the country I live in, we haven't gone through some shit like that. Hopefully it'll never fucking happen, because I don't think I could stomach it.

Hearing people running up and down the street, and you're just sitting there in the house. Who's in charge? The idea is so foreign to us. I think most people don't understand just how crazy it is. I don't. I'm trying to wrap my head around it. But you are really good at seeing crazy shit

no one notices that is right under our noses. So I think you'll be floored by this. Thanks and go fuck yourself. Well, thank you for the recommendation. I will definitely try to check that out as soon as I can. Is that all the shit? Is that all the fucking? What am I up to here?

58 minutes and 56 seconds. I think I can bullshit for another minute and call this a goddamn day. Was there something else that I had to talk about here on the podcast? Oh, yeah, I decided I ran into a buddy of mine and he told me his New Year's resolution was he wasn't going to argue with his wife this year.

And he's made it all the way to February. I was like, you know what, that's a really cool resolution and I haven't made any this year. So I'm not giving up arguing with my wife for two reasons. One, it would destroy my act. And two, I'm a selfish son of a bitch. Plus I have no control of my fucking emotions. I don't. It's shameful, but I don't.

So I decided instead I'm trying to get back into learning French. I feel like as I'm approaching the mid-century mark here, if I don't fucking do it now, I'm going to be fucked. I'm never going to learn how to do it. So I'm fucking, I'm back into it. I'm on Duolingo. I've done it three days in a fucking row. And the only reason why I'm announcing it to you guys

is because if you don't hear me talking about it, please break my balls and say that I fucking quit again. I'm a loser and all that type of shit. All that wonderful positive shit that you guys can say anonymously on the internet. Oh, by the way, you know, it's funny in this fucking business, like they never tell the performer shit, right? So I'm on stage this weekend.

I got to ask if there's any doctors out there. I'm fucking on stage and I'm doing my act. I don't even know what night it was. It might have been the first show last night. And the whole time I'm doing my act, everything I fucking say, some guy in the crowd is just like repeating it or commenting on it. You know what I mean? Like, not like heckling, it's more like like black church,

like calling response. I was like, yeah, you know, I was walking down the street the other day and he's like, yeah, walking down the street, you know, doing that shit the whole fucking time. But he's not so loud that the rest of the crowd can hear it. So I'm hoping if I just ignore him, he's going to stop and he doesn't. And finally after like a half an hour, it's like, dude, will you shut the fuck up?

You don't have to fucking comment on everything. He's like, all right, all right, all right, just doing that shit. But I love you to take same shit like that. And, you know, I was trashing him and all that shit. So afterwards I ended up meeting him. After the show and he ended up telling me that he had Tourette's. And then somebody on the show goes, yeah, yeah, yeah, he had Tourette's.

We didn't know if we should throw him out. It's like, why don't you fucking tell me that before I make a fucking ass out of myself? I felt terrible. But here's my question. Is that a form of Tourette's? I thought Tourette's is either you're cursing your brains out or you make weird noises or you do some sort of physical tick. I didn't know that you fucking all of a sudden we're doing that.

You know, I'm in a Baptist church, you know, except doing it in a way that eggs on the fucking speaker. It actually annoys the shit out of him. Well, maybe that's my temperament. I have no idea. That's my question for somebody out there in the medical field. Is that a form of Tourette's? Or was he just trying to make me feel bad? I'm literally yawning here like a fucking idiot.

All right, that's the podcast for this week. Oh, Billy, no boozebag. He's back on the fucking wagon again. I gotta tell you, as much as I fucking go up and down with that shit, at least I do nip it in the bud, you know. I just drank too much. What was it? Friday night, woke up fucking hungover. Tired as shit.

I was just like, what the fuck am I doing to myself? This is stupid. And then I watched Black Mask and I was watching them drinking Budweiser's 1970s Poltab cans. And I was like, God, I missed that. I already. All right. All right. That's the podcast for this week.

Sorry. It was so late. If you'd like to contribute to this podcast, as I tell you that it's late. Anytime you go to Amazon, just go through the podcast page. Not the podcast page. My website, click on the merch page. You click on the Amazon link and I get credit for driving people there. And I give 10% of that shit to St. Jude until you tell me that that one's a scam too.

Everyone that I give to you guys eventually end up telling me that. But I think this is a good one. All right. Go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you on Thursday.