Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 2-4-13
Episode Date: February 5, 2013Bill rambles about the BUFFALO Ravens win, Crazy white dudes in prison, losing face in Japan....
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Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, February 4th, 2013.
What's going on? How are you? Congratulations to the Buffalo Ravens. My condolences to the fans of the San Francisco 49ers.
What a fucking game, huh? What a Jesus. Can you believe that game? Why does it sound like I'm in a 10 cup this week?
You know what's funny? I actually won money on that. I totally flipped and bet the Ravens. I was sitting there, you know, remember all the shit I talked about last week about how you watch the game and this is what you should do and fuck all this and fuck all that.
You know, let the game go for 90 minutes and all that. Well, basically, half the reason why I was doing that was because I was actually working on Super Bowl Sunday, the Sunday of the Super Bowl, fucking Super Bowl Sunday.
So fucking sick of that shit. So I didn't think I was going to, you know, see the game anyways. And by the time I got home, Nia was already going to be off to a party or whatever.
And then, you know, I'd be 90 minutes in or whatever and I could just start it and do everything that I said I was going to do. Well, we wrapped early and all of a sudden I'm driving home and I pull in and I don't see the car.
And I'm thinking, oh shit, she already left. Well, fuck it. Then I'll just stick with my plan and then I walked into the house and then the dog wasn't there and I realized that she had taken the dog and they went on some hike or something.
Then she comes back and she's like, oh, you're home? Well, do you want to go to the party? You know, what am I going to say? No. No, fuck you, leave. You go to the party and I'm going to sit here like the old Kramudjan that I am.
Now, part of me actually wanted to go to the Super Bowl party because I was elated that I got out of work early. You know what I mean? I feel like a kid, like you had a half day of school and you're so fucking dumb you forgot you did.
So I was in more of a social mood. So I was like, all right, fuck it, I'll go. But I didn't have a dog in the fight. So I just decided to just say fuck it.
All right, so I went on to Twitter and I basically I wrote, uh, because you know what I mean? When you're just watching a game, your team isn't in it. It's going to be boring. You've got to get some sort of action on the game.
So I was like, I know what I'm going to do. I'm going to talk shit on Twitter and I'm either going to be 100% right or I'm going to be 100% wrong. But either way, people are going to react to it.
So I just wrote Ravens will win F what you think you know, know that I know what you don't shut your face, put your money down, thank me later.
That's what I wrote. So I figured immediately I'm going to get a ton of shit from 49er fans and people who got shit on the fucking 49ers, you know, just to add some excitement to the day.
You know, that's my little world. If I'm not getting trashed on Twitter and I'm sitting on board. So, um, then I'm just sitting. All right. So now I got people yelling at me on Twitter.
Okay, that's getting the blood going here. Now what else can I do? I'm like, I know, fuck this. I'm texting Verzi and Keith Robinson. And I just, I just text him. I just wrote Ravens will win today.
Let me see. I got to show you the shit that I wrote to Verzi. He's so fucking. He's so like dejected right now. Because you know, he loves calling shit.
I texted him. I'm going to read you these texts right here. I wrote Ravens win today straight up 25 bucks. He writes back, you're hilarious. Let's be let's be men and go 50.
Just kidding. 25 is cool. Confirmed. And I said 50 confirmed. And he goes nice. And he goes, I think something weird is going to happen. I don't know what that means, but something crazy happens in this game.
And then I wrote classic Verzi Super Bowl prediction. I got a feeling something weird is going to happen. That's like betting every number in roulette.
Just saying how he's just throwing that out there. You know, I got this, there's just something's going to, I got a feeling something's going to happen.
Anyway, so I just wrote capital letters Ravens win. No, no feeling just the facts. So then he goes Ravens are not as good. 49ers have better personnel. I'm saying, because I had to get him to commit.
He goes, I'm saying there's going to be Frank of Franco Harris play on this game. Something nuts happens. Got a feeling. Okay. And he still hit me with the dude. I called it. I told you something weird was going to happen.
Oh, he drives me nuts. You thought it was going to be human being weird shit. You didn't think it was going to be the fucking matrix. God damn fucking lights going out.
So anyways, I said, take everything you think you know about football, take it outside and throw it in the trash. Joe Flacco coming of age game today. He'll be one and done just like Trent Dilfer perfectly book ending Ray Lewis's career.
Randy Moss will retire ring less and will take it out on a meter made. He goes no way. Moss already said he's coming back 49ers love him. He's a model citizen.
Moss, Moss catches TD passing game today. You're starting to get stale burr. Your football philosophy is getting old. The game is passing you by parentheses Don Shula. Things change, dude, lol.
And I said, I'll take Don Shula over being Jerry Glanville. You're all talking no results. You couldn't pick a winner. If I gave you tomorrow's paper, you're a bum versey. So now we're just talking shit.
Right. So now he starts naming all the shit that he did back in the day. And I'm like, uh, you've, you lose so much. Your catchphrase is I'm back. And I'm trashing and where the fuck is this here?
Submit your retirement papers and begin your broadcasting career. Oh, he actually laughed at that one. I said, fuck off.
And then I said, my brain and money say Raven's hearts want 49ers. And he goes better teams 49s win this game. I said, it's going to be great. Flacco's experience might be the difference. I think Kaepernick is going to throw a pick late in the game.
All right. And he said, Moss is going to do something. I said, Moss is like an old supermodel. All right. So the fucking game unfolds. Every fucking thing that I said is happening. And I'm ready to rub it in this dude's face.
And then the fucking Ravens, the fucking Baltimore Ravens, arguably the dumbest call in Super Bowl history since Bill Belichick went for it on like fourth and eight on the Giants 45, I think, or something in the first quarter in 2007.
When they didn't just kick the field goal and they had that stupid rookie run with the fucking ball. Jesus fucking Christ. I actually have an all I'm just going to redraw my tweets for the game. All capital is I say dumb as play in Super Bowl history kick the field goal.
I couldn't fucking believe it. Why would you do that? You know, you got your foot on that fucking throat. Just kick the goddamn field goal. Don't give him any hope. Don't have that. Don't have your kicker.
Kicker shouldn't even wear uniforms. They should just go out there in pajamas, one slipper and one cleat. Right. You're sitting there. Everybody out there is got some sort of injury. You know, you got fucking deer antler juice in your veins just trying to get through a fucking NFL season.
And you risk the entire team fucking season on on a on a naked bootleg by your fucking kicker.
Oh my God, I lost my shit at the Super Bowl party. By the way, I went to a great Super Bowl party.
That convinced me that you could watch it in live time because this dude had one TV for people who wanted to yap and he had another one for everybody shut the fuck up. We're in the war room.
We're in the war room. It was great. So anyways, then what happened? The 49ers went down. I was drinking the Budweiser. So I'm trying to remember they went down and now now it's 14 to fucking six.
And I'm like the morons. And then I text Verzi. I said, by the way, everything that I said was going to happen has happened. He goes, I know it's killing me.
And then inexplicably, I don't know what the fucking 49ers did. They let a guy go thinking the safety was going to pick him up. You saw the game.
It was pathetic. I loved it because I had money on it, but that was fucking pathetic.
Guy catches the ball falls down gets back up keystone cops. Nobody can tackle him. The guy goes in for a fucking touchdown.
So I write what the fuck. And then Verzi just writes, you're a cunt.
So now I'm loving life because I went Verzi on this. Now I never talked. I mean, I talked shit on the podcast, but I never before the game say, without a doubt, somebody's going to fucking win.
I just felt like doing it just because I was, I, like I said, my team lost. I wasn't going to have any excitement.
So I figured I'd either be getting trashed or I could trash somebody else, which is really the greatest thing about talking shit.
So the fucking halftime show, I mean, it's so, Super Bowl is so fucking ridiculous. It's like spinal tap at this point.
The fucking pomp and circumstance. If I'm using that, that expression correctly, how all the extra shit that is going on the NBA for as much as they blow their fans every 20 minutes, they don't even do that.
You don't have a game seven, you know, and then there's a, you know, in the middle of it, all of a sudden it turns into a fucking Broadway musical.
Did you see all those fans like running by the camera doing that? I know how to dance run.
Well, you run with your chin beyond your fucking toes and your hands are like drafting behind you. We run out on the fucking gridiron.
Oh, it's fucking horrific and smoke machines and all that shit. I got to say something. I love that Beyonce got caught lip syncing because it was great to just see her just go out and sing the fucking song.
You can sing. She got a little out of breath a couple of times, but it worked, you know, she came out there, you know, with fucking half her goods hanging out as they all do as they say, hang, you know, one side of them out.
Don't objectify us. Stop looking at us like we're objects of sex. Right. And then look at them when they can call the shots.
Do they go out? Do they ever, do they ever dress elegant? No, they don't tits out fucking who are hanging out the side of your fucking leather shorts.
You know, that dumbass walk she's doing webbing webbing webbing fucking ass cheeks hitting people in the front row. The fuck are you doing?
But anyways, that's not my world. Some people like that. I thought Alicia Keys was really classy. You know, she sat there. She actually had a Jerry Glanville haircut.
Oh, is that Wade Phillips? She was doing something. She was doing some sort of tribute.
I'm just fucking with you. She had a conch. I think that that's what that was called.
So peanuts, so peanuts. Anyways, it was a bebop reference. What the fuck it song was that was way back in the day.
So peanuts, so peanuts. Sorry. Anyways, plowing ahead. So then the second half starts, and I'm still a little nervous going, I didn't like that fucking shit, right?
They run the ball back. First play of the game. That was another reason why it was dumb for them not to take the fucking points. It's like you get the ball back.
Okay, you get the ball back to open the second half. Just take the fucking points. I swear to God, John Madden projectile vomited when they fucking rolled that thing out.
Puked up like nine turkey legs. He's the guy who actually eats that turkey every year, by the way, that Thanksgiving turkey. All right, a little known fact. That's not even a Wikipedia yet.
All right, someone that's put up there just know that it came from this podcast. Okay. All right, so then they run the fucking ball back.
And Verzi just goes congratulations. He calls it says games over. So and I write, I go too early, too early. I hit when the team goes up big like that because then they kind of like, hey, let's fucking chill out, you know, let's kick our cleats off.
You know, the team always seems to come back nowadays, right? And then the fucking power goes out. Why am I talking to you guys like this? Like you missed the game.
The fucking power goes out. One of the greatest breaks I've ever seen a team get. And I know like 49er fans are like, well, you know, the Ravens got to regroup to they didn't need to regroup.
They had you on the ropes, live a shot uppercut overhand right fucking your mouthpiece is flying into the front row and you get a half hour time out. You got another half time to get that zombie.
Holy fucking shell shot look off your face by the time the fucking game starts up again.
That was brutal because then he had to listen to more Shannon Sharp, who I swear to God, I don't get that guy at all. When he was a player, I could understand every word that he said.
He spoke more clearly before he started broadcasting. Can anybody explain that? I remember when the Broncos beat us and he did that whole funny riff about, you know, call the fucking Pentagon because the Patriot Missiles, I forget what I understood every word.
I didn't enjoy it because he was shitting on my team, but I could understand him. And ever since he started announcing, I can't understand a fucking word that guy's saying that should be a drinking game.
No, it can't be a drinking game because you don't know every time he says, you got to fucking do a shot. He literally sounds like that.
Yep. Yep. Yep. And you paid me because I can't, I can't understand a fucking word he's saying.
And you're sitting there drunk trying to figure it out. And he's sitting, he still lifts too. So he's bulging out of his pinstripe suit.
I don't know. Anyways,
Anyways,
Broadcaster,
Broadcaster and you can't understand a fucking word he's saying. It's unreal. It's unfucking real. So anyways, he's back
doing his shit. And I thought, by the way, I thought everybody did a phenomenal job
because that nobody knew that that was coming back and all of a sudden all these guys have to fucking talk for a half an hour.
And I swear to God, if they ever put that Super Bowl out on DVD,
I want to see the screaming and yelling that was going on in the control room.
You know, I want to see the whole build.
Like the lights go out. I just want to hear that. Whoa, what the fuck's going on?
Okay, we got a problem here. We got a problem. Vector, vector, matey, whatever fucking military shit that they're using in there.
To like all the way to the build with a like seven excruciating minutes in where there's just some guy like doing that.
The whole fucking world is watching. Just fucking losing his shit.
Throw a fucking switch. Just absolutely. Or did they keep that cool as beads of sweat?
I just pictured it like NASA with all those guys with like their short sleeve dress shirts.
You know, what to do during an emergency. You can't, you stay calm. You think it was like that or somebody had to have been flipping out.
Somebody in a suit through a phone. Something happened.
Somebody, you know what? I bet whoever really runs the NFL, he's upstairs in his villa. He's going those long winding staircases.
I bet he came bursting out of a fucking bedroom trying to throw a robe on.
You know, his real wife downstairs, a couple of hookers up there, coming down the stairs.
Honey, what's wrong? And he just runs right out the fucking front door in his goddamn robe.
Dives in his Bentley and just starts driving to the fucking electric company. Something happened.
But anyways, 49 is get a fucking half hour time out to fucking a half hour standing eight count.
Never seen anything like it. And the whole fucking game just turns.
Unreal. Fucking unbelievable. Then all of a sudden they score two quick ones.
The game was, I had never seen a game like it. Never seen a game like that.
But in the end, I know, and I know a lot of 49 is fans are bitching, you know, because the dude held that receiver and he did hold that receiver.
All right, but they also gave you guys a do over on a, on that field goal that roughing the kicker call was fucking horseshit.
That guy missed it. And I swear to God, Scott Norwood was probably relieved. Good. Somebody else they can yell at and then he does that fucking dramatic dive and he's like, fuck, that's what I should have done.
Did you see that? He kicks the ball. He's totally through his whole motion and all that. And I know you can't touch the kicker at all.
I think that guy grazed his Achilles tendon, not both of them, just one and he fucking collapsed.
Like he fainted. I think he fainted. I don't even think he was hit and they get to do it over. So I don't know as much as, you know, I think that receive on that receiving play, whatever that could have gone either way.
That's one of those borderline. Yes, he held them, but if they gave you first and fucking goal, you had four downs to punch it in, you couldn't and you got a half hour standing eight count and your team went to, you know, your team went down 28 to six, you did it to yourselves.
So I don't know. I'm not trying to fucking give you. I actually, I guess I'm kind of giving you a shit, but I'm not trying to do that because whatever. I think the 49 is a great. I think Kaepernick's the future.
I telling you right now, Joe Flacco is one and done. One and done. One and done. He's got his one ring. That's it. And in the end, which is great. Good for him.
And in the end, when they, they have this, they have the, like the reunion of Super Bowl winners, you know, and they got the big boy table, the guys with more than one Eli sitting there giving Tom Brady shit.
Hey, I got your twice. Hey, fuck you. I won three. Yeah, but I got you twice. Don Brady's dimple starts sweating. You know, Terry Bradshaw, Joe Montana, they're sitting there and then the little, the little table, the fucking Peyton Manning table.
They'll be sitting there. It's fucking goddamn pencil head sticking through the ceiling. Joe Flacco is going to be there. Peyton Manning is going to be there. Trent Dillford is going to be there. That guy from whoever the fuck quarterback, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, they're all going to be sitting there.
You know, Lynn Dawson is going to be sitting there going, what? What did you say?
Um, I'm just fucking around. It was an unbelievable game and I don't know. I'm glad I won money. So then, okay, so then the game's over. So now I won. So now I got to talk shit, right? So I call up Verzi. Have I really been talking about this for 20 minutes?
I fucking, uh, I called Verzi up. He doesn't pick up and I leave him a message and say that he has a one game suspension. He's not allowed to call me for 24 hours because of his awful Super Bowl prediction.
I know I'm a cunt, but you know what? He ended up calling me back and we were laughing about it. So, uh, I was fucking great. I love it.
I outdude. I called it Paul Verzi. Is there anything better than that?
Then just fucking beating somebody at like what they do. You know what I mean? That's like, uh, I don't know. Pick somebody's catchphrase. Who says, oh, no, you did it. It's like you say it better than they say it.
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Alright, back to the podcast.
So anyways, I watched a bunch of crazy shit this week.
Finally, I got the center-ice package and I've been loving life.
You know what's underrated? The sport you love going on strike for half a season and then trying to cram as many games in as they possibly can for the rest of the season.
As a fan, you love in life. Back to back night, my Bruins are on.
For them, it sucks, you know? Their life stinks.
My life as a fan where I have to sit there and not exert myself other than walking back and forth to the fridge is tremendous.
Been watching the Bruins all week. We've been playing great except we played the Sabres. They made us look like fools, man.
They won like every facet of the game and they even won the fight.
And Sean Thornton fought this guy, John Scott, and he got a concussion. It was brutal.
Because I love Sean Thornton because even though he's an enforcer, he's not a dirty player.
He's one of those guys, if he knocks you down and you're on your way down to the ice, he doesn't throw that extra one, you know?
And so anyways, he fights this guy and the guy, he's basically raining punches down on him.
Most of them are hitting his helmet and he's fine until the end. He takes his brutal uppercut.
So I looked it up. Sean Thornton is 6'2", 220. He fights this guy, John Scott. The guy's 6'8", 270.
He's given away half a foot and 50 pounds. And I'm just like, these guys, it's no wonder.
I remember reading this stuff, like when Bugard died and everything and they start talking about the concussions and all the shit that these guys get.
I don't know, it's a hockey fan. For some reason, you just don't think about it.
Because he enforces like a superhero. He's like the guy you always wanted to be.
The guy who will fight anybody, you know? Not scared of anything, you know?
You kind of like live vicariously through them if you're like a pussy like me, you know?
So I just started looking these guys up. The top fighter last year in the NHL had 20 fights.
20 fights. The season is 6 months long. 4 weeks in a month. That's 24 weeks.
This guy had 20 bare-knuckle fist fights. I mean, that's fucking unreal.
That's half a boxer's career. Career in 6 months.
I don't know. They're like, that's just a whole other level of tough.
Think about like somebody you went to high school with who the dude didn't give a fuck and he would throw down with anybody.
Did he have 20 fights in the entire time you knew him?
And if he did, how many years was that? Did he have 20 fights? Nobody has 20 fights in 6 months.
Go fuck yourself for everybody you email. Dude, I know this guy. I know this guy, don't you?
Oh, I don't believe it. I want to see the video. I don't know. That's just one of those.
There's a few things, right? I think all guys, you try to pretend you're tougher than you are,
but then there's a few things that you see. You just see something like that and you just realize like,
I am a fucking, I should be walking around wearing a dress.
And then that guy, John Scott, actually said he was legitimately concerned going,
you know, yeah, we fought, but I felt bad. He didn't come back. You don't want to hurt anybody.
Like those are the true tough guys. They just go out and do the job.
They don't try to be dirty or any of that type of shit, you know.
But I watched a couple of things this week that got my ego in check.
And one of them was watching Sean Thornton fight John Scott.
Watch when he does it too. It's like he realizes the guy's half a foot taller and 50 pounds more.
When they drop the, they're dropping the gloves and Thornton is already reaching to grab him to somehow get inside
where it's just like, I do not want to be, if this guy can extend his arm,
I'm going to take this punch from the stratosphere.
I just can't imagine what that's like lining up next to a mountain going, this is my job.
I have to fight this guy. You don't even get like gloves to at least protect your hands, you know.
Anyways, so I saw that like my ego wasn't already enough in check.
I then watched this thing about the most dangerous criminals in the penal system, whatever the fuck they call it.
And they interviewed four maniacs, three of whom were white dudes.
And I swear to God, when white dudes become maniacs, you know, I don't want to talk shit,
but I really think that we really do it better than anybody else.
When a fucking white dude goes rogue, a lot of people are going to get hurt.
I'm telling you, that Hannibal, like when a real life Hannibal Lecter comes along,
and I know a bunch of Def Jam comics have done a bit about this, but it really is true.
You know, middle of the classic Def Jam bit, if somebody, whatever, shoot somebody, stab somebody,
whatever, that could be a black guy, Latino guy. But if somebody after they shoot him, stab him,
and then they fucking make a fucking ear sandwich or something, you know, chop off the guy's hand
and stick the guy's ear in between it and just munch on it when the cops show up.
And they're sitting there with their feet on the coffee table like, hey, officer, that's going to be a white guy.
So they're showing, whatever, they pick like, I wish I remember what Channel was on.
They showed four of the biggest fucking maniacs. Oh, you know what? I watched it online.
Did I watch it online? Yeah, I did. I did watch it online. I'll get the clip for you.
So I watched this thing and they had this fucking one white dude.
He was hilarious because he was really like, he was that scariest kind of evil where he was, there's two kinds of scary evil.
There's that one where you're off like borderline, like I don't even know if you got a complete brain
and what you almost have like a reptilian brain and you're acting literally like a fucking Komodo dragon,
like you just don't give a shit, you know, you ever see like a reptile eat something like it could give a fuck.
If a reptile ever fucks with a mammal, a mammal is going through the emotions of screaming and pain
and the reptile is just just sitting there with this blank look on its face as it's slowly swallowing swallowing the fucking mammal hole.
Even when snakes fucking eat other snakes, the snakes that's getting eaten is just kind of going just fucking it doesn't really give a fuck
and never loot. I mean, it still has sort of a fierce look on its face.
Did I just say fierce? Like it's a fucking Broadway dancer, like a ferocious look on its face.
But they never like reptiles never have that, you know, oh my God, like they don't, they don't have that.
They just don't have that emotion. They just either sitting there going, God damn, it's cold out.
I got to get in the sun. Or they're like, I'm going to fucking kill you. I just bit you and now I'm going to just wait till the
I'm going to slowly choke you out. They just don't give a fuck. We get it, Bill. We've seen the animal channel.
All right, all right, whatever. So yeah, these psychos are either like that, or they're even worse.
They're just like super intelligent and they're completely aware of what they're doing and they just don't give a shit.
And that was the guy that I saw. I saw this white dude, right? Shaved head tattoos right up to his fucking Adam's apple.
And he's got a couple of fucking, you know, little Wayne shits on his face, right? Just a couple of those, you know, and he's sitting.
And he has this look of like, you would have thought Rolling Stone was interviewing him about an album that he was really proud of.
And he knew that this was the one that was he was going to make his mark, you know, when he was just sitting there in this fucking cage.
And this woman is interviewing him. And she's talking, you know, he got arrested for murder. He's on trial for murder.
And he did the shit. He knows he's going to get convicted. So he goes into jail and he's not scared. He fucking embraces it.
And he decides that he's just going to become this warrior, that he's been put on this planet to become a fucking warrior.
So he starts reading all those books, the art of war and all this shit.
And he immediately, while he's waiting to go on trial, joins the gang.
Okay. And one of the things he had to do to get into the gang was he had to kill somebody.
And for some reason, his cellmate, they wanted this guy dead.
So I forget, I can't remember how the fuck this guy's story was so fucking mind blowing.
He fucking just brutalized this guy beyond like recognition.
Like they couldn't like the guy was missing one of his eyeballs. They couldn't even find it.
And then in the end, after he kills the fucking guy, he sets up his cooktop on top of him.
Used him as like a table and like made himself like a fucking Egg McMuffin or something fucking crazy like that.
So he's telling the story and he's kind of got this half smile on his face and he goes, and here's the ironic thing.
He goes, he goes, I go to my trial and he goes, and I get acquitted.
He gets acquitted and he goes, and that's when he smiled.
He goes, he goes, yeah, the irony of it was just, it was just ridiculous.
Like he was laughing at it like I can't even, like he was sitting there going, you know,
I fucking, you know, put a raincoat on and blah, blah, blah, all this type of shit.
I come outside in the sunshine and I mean, the irony of it was ridiculous.
He's fucking cook, cooking on top of a guy that he just murdered just sitting there like, yeah, whatever.
And then he gets fucking acquitted. So then she's, so that's when he like truly just embraces like he got 79 years for what the fuck he did to his cellmate.
Because I think at that point they were just going like, all right, not only did you do that, you probably did this other shit that we just acquitted you of.
So now he's in there and he's in this gang and he's talking about prison life and just having like a shank and all that type of thing.
And he's just was literally, he was like fascinated the same way.
I'm fascinated when I watch a football game, how the momentum can shift.
He was talking about prison life like that, like how quickly it can shift and why you have to have a shank because, you know, everything can be cool.
Everything's great. And all of a sudden somebody's getting stuck like 9 million fucking times and he said something to the effect of, you know, I've seen it.
I've done it. He's just sitting there just proud.
Then they went to two other fucking crazy white dudes.
One guy was just sitting there going just talking about, you know, I just really enjoy hurting people.
You got to see this fucking video. And I didn't even get to the black dude. The black dude was in the end.
And I didn't read it, but they said that I saw some of the comments on the YouTube video said that last black guy black dude shouldn't have been in there because he seemed like he was bipolar.
So I didn't get to the crazy guy. There's always the one fucking crazy dude, but hopefully I'll be able to get you guys this video.
But it's one of those things where, you know, for basically for guys, one of your number one fears in life is what if I get arrested for some shit I didn't do and I go to jail.
How do I prevent myself from getting raped?
You know, and if you don't watch one of these behind the scene prison things, you can lie to yourself.
I do this. I do that. You can have your little fucking kung fu fantasy in your fucking head. I'm speaking for everybody. This is me anyways. That's what I do.
But the second I ever watch any of those prison fucking things, I just, you know, I would not last, I would not last three seconds in prison.
Not like you didn't already know that. I guess this is more for me. I once again was slapped down to the reality of who the fuck I really am.
But I'll definitely get those videos for you. Jesus Christ, am I a chatty Cathy this week? 38 fucking minutes in. I haven't even got to your questions.
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All right. Let's get to your.
Let's get to your questions for the week here.
Oh, anybody see that Montreal Canadians Ottawa senator game.
That was some old school refereeing.
They used to happen all the time back in the day.
Not so much anymore.
That was classic.
Ottawa ties the game up to two all of a sudden the refs wave it off.
No goal goalie interference.
You know, and I know what people are saying.
Well, what about the goalie interference in the Bruins Toronto game?
I'll tell you this.
At least Tuco Ross got hit.
He was outside of the crease.
Bad call.
Bad call should not have been a disallowed goal.
100% agree with Maple Leaf fans, but come on.
Maple Leaf fans.
I know you hate the Canadians too.
You got to admit at least Ross got fucking hit.
Fucking Canadians goalie.
Nobody even touched him.
Classic.
Put him on the power play.
Third period of any Montreal game the entire time I was growing up.
Two minutes.
Goalie interference.
Too many men on the boarding.
Four minute power play for the French cunts.
Anyways.
And of course they hang on to win.
I actually like what Montreal is doing though.
I like that they have a bunch of young players.
And that young kid, one of the young kids that they kept up after the five game
trial, he had a couple assists the other night.
You know, when they beat the, who the hell did they play when they beat them?
The Sabres who embarrassed the Bruins.
So hey, if you're not into hockey and you want to get into it,
Bruins Canadians Wednesday night.
All right.
It's always a great one.
You never know who's going to win.
The bad blood goes all the way back to pre the depression.
Okay.
All right.
Here we go.
I met herpes and the girl of my dreams.
I am 27.
And about four months ago, I met the girl of my dreams.
Congratulations.
She is hot.
Smart.
Funny.
And as a great career, we went on four dates.
It seemed like she was really into me and we got along great.
Unfortunately, after our fourth date, I stupidly slept with a skank.
I met at the bar and caught herpes.
Oh my God, dude.
Oh Jesus.
I've always been careful to use condoms, but that night I was too drunk to keep one on.
I became very sick and immediately called the girl of my dreams and told her that I couldn't
see her anymore without my explanation.
Now I am both physically and mentally better, but I believe she has a boyfriend.
My question is whether I should re pursue a relationship with this girl or just move on
and hope I find another one like her.
Also, if I do, should I explain how and when I got herpes?
If she becomes the mother of my children, I think I would feel guilty if I didn't.
Yeah, dude, if you want to get her back, you know.
Well, dude, did you already sleep with her?
See, this is what happens when you lie.
If you try and be like, well, if you're not going to own up to that shit, I know all the women right now are screaming.
All the women are screaming, which is fair because if a woman wrote this, I would be like, yeah,
that's your fault for sleeping with that dirty dick.
You got, yeah, dude, you got to totally come clean.
You got to tell her exactly what happens, you know, and Jesus, dude, you know, I can't judge you either
because, you know, every guy has gone out and done that, that whole scenario,
fucked around, not used to condom, except you, you had the bad luck, dude.
Oh my God, that's fucking brutal.
Oh, Jesus.
Well, there you go, people.
If there's, if that doesn't convince you to wear a condom and not sleep with a skank,
because I haven't heard it, you know, even if you wear a condom, you know, I don't know.
They say you can still get it.
It's fucking terrifying.
Fucking terrifying.
How I never stepped on that landmine is beyond me.
So dude, if you really want to get this girl back, you know, every great relationship starts with 100% honesty,
and I'm not going to lie to you.
I think you know, dude, you're, you're, that's a hell of a hole to try and crawl out of.
No pun intended.
But, but from here on out, man, you got to, you can't do what that skank did to you.
You got to be honest with people.
Yeah, dude, that's, that's brutal.
That's brutal.
But you know what?
It's not the end of the fucking world.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
But yeah, you got, you got to come with, with, with total honesty, total honesty.
And yeah, man, turn it, turn it into a positive dude.
You know, you're being a fucking dirty dog.
Now, I'm telling you, I believe though, if you come with total honesty and you, you, you stay on a righteous path,
that you will meet that person if it's not this one.
And, you know, who knows?
I don't know.
I'm not trying, I'm trying not to use a cliche that everything happens for a reason.
I don't believe that.
And I think, you know, you're fucked up and now you're paying the price and you got to try to turn the ship around.
So good luck with that.
But like I said, I would go with the 100% honesty you got to, you can't do that to her.
I can't do that to her.
All right.
Advice from Japan.
Bill, I'm 28 single and I live in Japan.
I'm originally from America, America.
And I moved here after college.
I'm a translator and speak decent Japanese.
Jesus Christ, dude.
How the fuck did you learn that?
You know, I listened to French, Spanish, like that type of shit, Italian.
That seems like, you know, you get a handle on it.
But that stuff, how the fuck you jump on that shit is beyond me.
How they, how they can go from theirs and be able to speak ours.
I swear to God, it's incredible.
Anyways, when people ask why I say that I love Japanese people and I love living here.
What?
Let me get back.
I'm a translator and I speak decent Japanese, but the culture barrier is still pretty huge for me.
When people ask why, okay, there we go.
I say that I love Japanese people and I love living here, but I wouldn't ever want to become Japanese.
Generally speaking, they're overworked and unhappy.
For better or worse, my attitude keeps me a little isolated.
Yeah, I've seen that stuff over there.
Like as far as what I've seen, you know, the propaganda from what I've seen.
I saw in 60 minutes that if you fuck up at your job, they send you some camp and then you have to sing the company song.
These guys were singing the song trying to get back in the company.
They're like crying and everything.
And there's like four Japanese dudes just looking at them.
This ice cold Simon Cowles to the fucking 9,000 power.
Like your family disowns you.
It's crazy.
It's hardcore over there, man, straightening the damn rivers.
There is one very Japanese woman.
What does that mean?
I've met who I recently connected with in spite of all that.
She's an amateur artist and actress and we've worked together to make subtitles for local independent movies.
That's how we met actually.
She's interesting as hell and downright sexy to problem.
She's married and has a son.
Dude, what the fuck?
Are you trying to get a fucking samurai sword to your jugular?
You're going to fuck a married broad with a kid in a different country.
Dude, I don't know anything about the Japanese culture,
but if you can lose face for not having enough paper clips at your goddamn desk and get sent to a borderline death camp
and you got to sing a fucking song to get back into the company.
How much face do you lose if round eye fucks your fucking woman?
Dude, you're going to get thrown into one of their straightened rivers.
Come on, man.
Come on, man.
Don't do this.
He said from early on it was obvious that there was a mutual attraction going on,
especially whenever we were at a movie party with a couple of drinks in us.
Like any guy would.
I wanted to sleep with her, but I didn't dwell on it.
Good for you.
It seemed it never seemed like it was in the cards, but we were working together.
We kept each other and when we were working together, we kept each other at arm's length.
Months went by without anything changing.
Oh my God, dude, this is like watching this.
This is like a suspense thriller.
Dude, you can't do this.
There's a kid involved.
That kid loves his mom and his dad.
You're going to go in there and your dick like a samurai sword is going to slice that kid's life in half.
You can't do it.
I'm going to read the rest of this one eye closed.
Then came the local film festival.
Oh, geez.
When it finished, we were downtown and pleasantly drunk.
And the last trains that run every night were long gone.
Well, isn't that convenient?
When she mentioned taking an expensive cab ride home, I suggested that she crash at my nearby apartment until the morning train started.
No, you didn't.
You didn't suggest that.
You dick did.
You dicks like relax, stand down.
I've got this.
Anyways, she had been there a dozen times already because that's where we always worked.
Oh my God, dude, this is like some red shoe diary going on here.
I'll cut to the chase.
In my apartment that night, she turned to me and asked point blank if I wanted to fuck.
Wow, dude, at that point, I think all bets are off.
Okay, because I thought you were kind of seducing this girl.
Now she just like.
Oh, Jesus.
Well, maybe you should have.
Wow, I didn't see that coming.
Anyways, he goes and I told her no.
Okay.
He goes, I wasn't exactly surprised that she asked.
Part of me was hoping she would.
When she did though, all I could do was go through what I felt right at that moment.
I admit, I really didn't know what to do and was playing it safe.
We went to sleep and she left in the morning.
Here's the thing.
She and her husband, who I've never met, thank God, don't get along.
Oh, she and her husband don't get along and have no sex whatsoever.
Oh, so she's in a loveless marriage.
Okay.
This is what she told me anyway.
She has long wanted a divorce, but won't do it because of her son.
So while saying no might have seemed like the noble, non-home record thing to do,
part of me kept keeps asking, what difference does it make?
Uh, you know what?
You ever see Scarface when the cop goes, it's your tree, Frank.
You're sitting in it.
All right.
That's her fucking situation, dude.
She married a guy that she didn't love and she had a kid.
All right.
You know, that's, you're stepping into the world of her bad decision.
Now think back when you were a kid and you thought about meeting the woman in your dreams.
Is that the way it went down?
I'm not trying to shit on this thing here, but like, you know, I think she needs to be free and clear.
If you were actually thinking of getting into a fucking relationship with this person.
If you're just thinking about banging her, I don't know, dude.
I don't know the fucking kid.
Look, if there was no kid involved, have at it, but there's just something.
There's some kids sitting at home in some racing car bed, you know, loving his mom and his dad.
I don't know.
I don't know.
Do you really want that on your resume?
Anyway, he goes, then there's the fact that our friendship suffered anyways,
because ever since that night she scaled back all the contact with me.
They say that affairs never end well, but this isn't ending well either.
I don't know.
I just feel like maybe I should have fucked her.
My few trusted guy friends say they would have.
Of course they would have.
I would have.
I would have.
I know I would have.
If I was drunk and she said that I don't put the kid.
I don't know if I could have blocked out the kid.
I am a piece of shit, but I don't, I don't think that I, I'm that big a piece of shit.
I'm just being honest.
All right.
I know there's a lot of ladies that are listening to this thing, but you know how we are.
Okay.
You lead us around by our fucking dick.
Some fucking hearty you're working with.
He's probably already rubbed one out 50 times to her finally just says, hey, you, you won't fuck a wood.
I mean, you're going to do it.
You know, game on.
Um, you know, you know, and for any woman who gets mad at me, that's some of the most
honest shit about men you're ever going to fucking hear.
So go fuck yourself and your email that you send me.
Okay.
God bless you.
My few trusted guy friends say they would have whatever she may sound like.
I think a lot of this woman and I've never had someone like her just throw herself at
me before.
I'm starting to feel like I missed the boat.
Then again, she's fucking married and has a kid.
What would he view it done?
I told you what I would have done if she was single and she was married and didn't have
a kid and she was in this loveless fucking thing.
And every day I'm next to her working together.
She's in my apartment, comes over smelling good and I have a couple of fucking drinks
in me and she says he won't fuck a wood for some reason as a Southern accent.
I'm all over it.
I would have felt like shit immediately.
I would have felt guilty, but I'm fucking weak.
All right.
I'm a guy.
I'm a fucking moron and it would have been the wrong thing to do.
So you did the fucking right thing.
You did the fucking right thing.
Dude, I'll tell you right now.
You know what?
Go rub one out to her.
What do you feel like afterwards?
Do you still feel that you're kind of relieved like thank God I didn't do it?
You know, I don't know.
I just feel bad for her.
You know, she married the wrong guy.
She's got a kid with them and then she's fucking just, hey, do you want to bang me or what?
And you're like, no.
And she's got to be walking back on.
What the fuck is wrong with my thing?
You know, why isn't my lightsaber working here?
I got this power and it's not fucking, it's not, it's not happening for me.
I don't know.
I can tell you how to get that train back on the tracks, but I don't want to do that
to you.
So don't do it, dude.
There's a kid involved.
Okay.
Even I have standards.
You got to have some sort of standards.
All right.
Where you just shout your dick back into your pants like, hey, I said stand the fuck down.
You know, you got to have some sort of something.
All right.
Look, she's eventually going to leave that guy.
She is, but I'm telling you, dude, that's, that's not your fucking get the fuck out of
there.
All right.
Get out of there.
What do we got here?
57 minutes in.
Here we go.
Sticking it to the X. Should I?
All right.
Right out of the gate.
I can tell you no, but let me hear the story.
I'm 28 and I found out about you and I'm going to get right to it.
My ex-wife and I had been together for about five years before we decided to get married
right after university.
Her family was religious, so we couldn't live together first.
So that seemed like the next step as a new grad was working hard, trying to get work
in my field and basically starting at the bottom, but slowly getting my footing.
She was working at the same bank she had since high school and through university and was
finally moving up the ranks fast forward a year and a half into our marriage and she's
getting promoted to manager, to manage a bank downtown.
She gets a good raise and things are looking good for me or so I thought then a week after
she starts this job, she lays it on me.
She wants to know what it's like to be single again.
She never really wanted to get married and apparently she feels that the spark isn't
there anymore.
There's no other guy, but she just doesn't like who I am anymore and there was nothing
in the six years of us being together worth saving.
Oh, Jesus, well, listen, kudos to her for being fucking honest and not wasting another
five years of your life.
So he goes after, so after some self reflection and a bit of counseling, a bit of boozing
with friends and an amazingly insightful mushroom trip, I realized this is a blessing in disguise.
She doesn't like who I am anymore.
Like there was something wrong with me other than taking her shit and being committed to
her for almost six years.
Okay, this is understandable anger.
I get it.
Get it out of you.
He says, fuck her.
We had no kids, not many assets at this point.
A dog that I get.
It was a get out of jail card, a guilt free way, a guilt free way clean.
What a guilt free way, clean way to get out from under the hoof of an oppressive cunt
of a wife who had turned me into a shadow of my former self content with being fucked
maybe once a month.
We both move out and put our place for our place up for sale.
All right.
Now it doesn't, I don't think that this guy really feels that this woman is a cunt.
He's just saying this because she fucking dumped him because I immediately gave myself
a no contact policy, blocked her on Facebook and could only talk about business with her
until we got through the separation negotiations in June.
There you go.
It's a strong move.
I like it.
Then silence.
The other policy I gave myself was to say yes to any opportunity that was presented.
This helped me make this past summer the best of my life, full of trips and sleeping with
new girls hotter and younger than her, older and uglier.
It didn't matter.
I was saying yes.
For the love of God, wear a condom, sir.
Even after finding out from one of her friends a few months later that she had been dating
slash living with this guy she had worked with since about a month after she left me.
Yeah, this girl is like, she goes from relationship to relationship.
Anyways, he said I didn't break the no content policy.
I didn't want her to think I gave two shits about her anymore.
This guy, by the way, I admit on many occasions at work functions and even when it came out
for her birthday that year, I fucking told her that this dude is into you.
I don't like him.
But she would say, oh, he's just a friend.
He's a fucking snake in the grass.
Oh, this guy, he's like so angry he's not even writing in complete sentences.
He's this fucking snake in the grass, but she's a whore.
I'm not an idiot so I can guess that this wasn't just a lucky coincidence.
They both happened to be single together and likely why things move so fast.
Regardless, I kept to my policy.
Now almost a year later, I'm in the best shape of my life after losing 40 pounds.
Good for you, man.
Good for you.
This is great.
Just started a new job where I make as much as her and in my field, have a hotter girlfriend
and have won all the mutual friends we had that were worth keeping.
So why do you need revenge?
He goes, all is good, but I've been feeling like a bit of a bitch for not taking her to
task on all of this shit, especially now that we've been separated for almost a year and
soon can be legally divorced in Canada.
I think it's time to finally confront her and break her.
So I would like to take this bitch down and my advice on how to go about it would be great.
Sorry about the length and thanks for any help.
Dude, you're already taking her down.
They say the greatest revenge is a life well lived.
You're doing it.
You lost 40 pounds.
You have a hotter girlfriend.
Just keep saying yes.
I go easy with the sleeping around, dude.
You don't want to catch anything, man.
But just go live your life.
Leave her in the dust, okay?
She's going to check out your Facebook page.
She'll see your pictures.
You really want to get back at this girl?
Don't ever talk to her again.
And just live this awesome life.
Marry a beautiful woman.
Keep yourself in great shape.
And just know every once in a while she's going to check in.
And I guarantee you, unless this guy, they just had this ridiculous spark at work, then
God bless him.
She found who she should have been with, as will you, and it's all good.
Or she's a serial monogamous, whatever the fuck it is, I'm so dumb.
She goes from relationship to relationship and eventually this dickhead snake in the
grass at the bank is going to get the same speech or he might give it to her.
He might be one of these creeps that it turned her on that he's in a relationship and he
can be fucking banging this chick, you know, fuck him, fuck him with their banker sex.
They probably have to wear masks, you know, have some sort of ritual.
Anyways, yeah, dude, don't do that.
Don't do that because you know what you're doing when you walk up to her and you fucking
go, let me tell you something.
Fucking kind of blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Women are too smart for that shit.
She just sitting there going like, wow, he still does care.
Wow, he lost that weight because of me.
Not because he's actually a better person than I thought he was.
All right, don't do that.
She wins.
If you confront her, she fucking wins.
Just keep doing what you're doing, yelling at her like she's in the room, but she isn't
screaming.
You're windshield.
Okay, but keep saying yes in life, keep going after your dreams and just live this fucking
awesome life.
And maybe one day who knows, you go to the same mall, you show up with your hot wife
and your beautiful kids, she shows up, she's fat, you know, then you be like, just give
her a nod.
Hey, that's what you could have been with Johnny six pack over here.
Oh, you just keep going.
You take your kids for an ice cream and you get yourself a sherbet.
All right, this has been a fun one.
You guys, great questions this week.
Great questions.
Okay, here we go.
Here we go.
Last one.
Racism in a relationship.
Oh, Jesus.
Oh, she says, questions for you and the lovely Nia, if she's there, fuck, she isn't here.
My boyfriend of a month told me that his mom is racist and his grandpa is racist to
the point where he would disown my boyfriend.
He says he's not racist, but he shrugs off family comments and is very non confrontational.
I'm not fully black.
I like to call, I'm like what I like, what I like to call half African.
My mom is from Kenya.
My dad is French, Canadian.
I live in Canada, so I'm not used to racism.
In fact, I'm so confused when somebody calls me the N word, I can't help but think my family's
from Africa.
They should use the term.
Oh yeah, I've heard of that term, which I'm not going to do.
I'm not going to say it on my podcast because that's just going to give morons, you know,
I don't know, they'll probably figure out what it is, but they're not going to learn
it from me.
Anyways, he says I'm so stupid when it comes to people being racist towards me.
I don't even know how I'm supposed to react.
Obviously I'm hurt and I'm sure there's some obligation I have to stand on behalf of the
belittlement of society, but what do I say to what, wait a minute, let me read that more
cool.
I'm sure there's some obligation I have to take a stand on behalf of the betterment
of society, but what do I say to him or his family?
I don't know what I should do.
My boyfriend is worth fighting for, but family is irreplaceable and I don't want to rip his
apart because his needs to be there for him.
If I can't, thanks, I don't, yeah, you would like to think that he would step up there.
I don't look when it comes to your grandparents.
What are you going to do?
You're going to change 80 years.
They are how they are, you know, but your parents, that's a harder issue, which obviously
could grow into a bigger issue if you get even more serious.
I don't know.
I think that you should be with somebody who has your fucking back and I think you need
to sit down with them and tell them that he needs to have you back and that his parents
need to accept who the fuck he's dating or you're going to move on and get with somebody
who's more of a fucking man and can, you know, if you're with somebody, they got to be with
you.
Okay.
He is in an awkward position, but he needs to sit down and have a talk with his parents.
His grandparents, that that's a fucking wash.
You know what I mean?
Old people always bitching.
They're bitching about everything.
So, you know, whatever, I mean, grandparents came up in a time where if you were Irish
and she was Italian, they would flip out to a Protestant and this person was Catholic.
Like they, they were separating to that level.
But yeah, I think, I think you need to have a talk with them.
You know, and if that ends it and he goes his separate way, then you know what?
You got off easy because eventually it would have come to a head and you wouldn't have
been happy.
All right, regardless of whether it's a race issue or whatever, the person you're with
has to have you fucking back on the big shit.
Okay.
The little stuff about doing dishes and arguing about that, that's just crap that you argue
about, but something like that is, I mean, that's the whole thing holding the fucking
thing together.
If that, that's the foundation.
If that's not there, then you're wasting your time and you only get one life and you
shouldn't be wasting fucking time.
So that's my advice.
All right.
And that is the podcast for this week.
Thank you everybody for listening.
And now the weird sadness of football is, is over the stunned that Monday you wake up,
you know, and it's fucking over.
There's not a game next week.
It's brutal.
So my suggestion this week, get into NBA hoop or the NHL.
If you want to get into the NHL, I cannot recommend the, uh, the NHL centerized package
enough pick a team, you know, learn all their players and that type of shit.
It's a fucking beautiful game and I'm so happy it's back.
And I, I'm telling you, Canadians, Bruins, even when both those teams suck, it's all
always a great game and neither team sucks right now.
Canadians are playing great.
They're, they're, they're rebuilding the team.
They got all this young talent and, uh, the Bruins are the Bruins.
We're playing great ourselves other than that fucking game against this same as, um, whatever.
Pull up a chair, watch a game.
All right.
Go fuck yourselves.
Have a great week.