Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 2-6-12

Episode Date: February 6, 2012

Posted in PodcastPlay AudioBill rambles about the brutal Patriots Super Bowl loss, Patrice O'neal's new CD, and his upcoming redneck tour.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's the Monday morning podcast from Monday, February 6th, 2012. What's going on? You know what the fuck's going on, you cunt. Ah, Jesus Christ. I'm actually recording this thing an hour and maybe hour and change after the Patriots just lost to the New York Giants. Congratulations to the Giants. Oh my God, that game was fucking brutal, brutal game. I got myself all mentally prepared to get our asses kicked because on paper I was like, we just our defense isn't going to be good enough. And that that front four of adonises that they have that look like super sized linebackers. And next thing you know, we come out and we're playing with them and we're fun. We just, I just, I don't know. You know,

we just didn't make the fucking plays when we needed to make the plays. That's all there is to it. The Giants did everything they could to give us the game. They blew the fucking calling two time outs. I'm like, they're fucking up. They're unraveling after we spotted them nine points. It was like nobody wanted to win the game for a minute. We fucking stop them. We get the goddamn ball first play of the game. You throw a 50 yard intentional ground in your own fucking end zone. You're down two to nothing. All right, regroup, regroup. They're driving down the field. You make a play. You cause a fumble. You fall on it. Nice. Here we go. Ah, you got an extra guy on the field. And next thing you know, we're down

nine, nothing. And guess who texts me? Nine to nothing. Charlie Murphy, one of the classic fair weather fans of all time. I haven't told, I've, you know, I've known Charlie for years. I think we've had maybe three conversations about football. Patriots even played the Giants and lost during the regular season to him. Do you think he even noticed he's too busy down the dojo trying to figure out how to put his foot behind his head in case some motherfucker comes up to him and tries to steal his, his, uh, I don't know, the chain off his neck. He doesn't know shit about football. He couldn't even fucking talk shit before the game. He waited till they were up nine to nothing and he texts G men all day.

Charlie, I know you could kick the shit out of me. I don't know if you're listening to that, this, but that was one of the bitchiest texts I ever got in my life. All right. So congratulations to you, Charlie, to you and your brand new Giants hat that you bought nine to nothing. Is that when you're finally committed to buying it? Whatever. There's always going to be guys like that on both sides. That's definitely fair weather people in Boston with your pink Red Sox hats, your cunts, singing that Neil Diamond song. I hope you all fucking drown on a duck boat. I don't know. We started playing. All right. We were coming back. Everything was going good. And then we had the game. We fucking had it. Brady to Welker. I don't know what happened.

We had the fucking game and we just didn't make the goddamn place and, uh, which just didn't make the plays and the Giants made the play. So they deserve it, but this one fucking hurts more than two, 2000, 2007. I just felt like, look, you know, I mean, it sucked the end of the game, but despite the fact that we lost at the end of the game, I just really felt that that was just an undeniable championship. They, you know, all those teams they beat on the road and then they beat the undefeated Patriots. I just, you know, I always felt it was a shame. The Patriots were undefeated because I never thought the Giants got credit because it didn't, it wasn't the Giants won. It was the Patriots lost. Like that was the

fucking story. Um, but this one hurts fucking, but if you were a true sports fan, you saw what happened. All right. But this one, this one was brutal because we, we, we fucking, we had it. And I just felt like we, we, we just blew it. We fucking blew it. And I know it sounds like I'm taking away from the Giants. I'm not because that fucking pass that pass Eli made, I mean, even if there was nobody in front of them to make that fucking pass down along the sideline, um, single coverage is an amazing through. He threw in the double coverage with somebody right in his face. He had an alligator arm and he still put it right in there. It was one of the greatest passes I've ever seen in my fucking life. The guy just makes the plays and the only

silver lining that I can take from all this is he has more rings than his brother. So there you go. Colt fans. Now what do you got to say with your fucking Brady Peyton Manning argument? You know, at least Tom Brady has more rings than his brother. Oh fuck. I'm really looking for an angle to try and talk shit. I can't. That's not what I do. I take my fucking lumps. The Giants deserve it. They just a great fucking organization and they got four Super Bowls and that immediately moves them. Um, they were sort of mineral upper as far as historical football franchises. Now they got four. All right. So you got Steelers got six 49ers and Cowboys got five and then they're tied with four

with Green Bay. So they're up there with the Steelers, the Packers, the 49ers and the Cowboys, man. That's great company. So you guys should be proud, man. I was fucking. Oh God. I can't believe we got to do this fucking podcast. I just keep, it's just, I can't even explain it. I felt like I had an ice cream in my hand and I'll probably put it in my mouth and somebody knocked the fucking, I'm letting him stand here with an empty cone. Oh God, that was a fucking brutal one. That was a brutal, brutal fucking loss. They just fucking blew it and you blew it. Whatever, you know, what am I going to do? It's not like, you know, I'm sure nobody in Cleveland has any fucking sympathy for me.

All right. So anyways, you probably asking yourself, well, gee, Bill, you know, you're on a plane tomorrow with a fucking going. Oh, by the way, I'm not making fun of Madonna for being in the, in the halftime show because I didn't even fucking watch it. All right. I really think that, that Madonna helped the giants fucking win this. No, she didn't, but I, I'm going to lie to you. If I, if I wasn't freaking out during that, that bullshit, you know, we would down nine to nothing. We come back, score like fucking what, whatever, how many unanswered we, 10 to nine. It was 10 to nine at halftime and I'm thinking, all right, we got it. We got the momentum. We're getting the ball

back. Let's go in for a quick halftime now. Turn around. Everywhere is fucking heartache. I'm fucking with gay guys for fucking a goddamn half an hour. Now let me ask you this. Who is, who's advantage is that? It's a fucking team that's reeling. It's a team that needs to take a knee. Anytime Fergie goes out there and shows her fucking ass for an X to half an hour, I want to know this fellow football fans. How the fuck did we go from Bart Starr and Vince Lombardi to that horse shit? All right. Jesus fucking Christ with the goddamn two hour halftime fucking show. I mean, it's a bullshit theory because we got the ball and then drove down and scored a touchdown, but it just was, it's just, I don't know, you know,

what, why can't they just be happy making billions? Do they have to make billions and billion billions? Do they have to whore out the fucking sport to that level that every goddamn year you got to bring some fucking over the hill rock star to come out there, right? I'd rather watch an old timers game. You know, I didn't even, I didn't watch a second and what did she do? I heard some of the music, you know, it's a fucking football game. It's the championship game. Does anybody else have that? Does anybody else have voguing in the middle of it? Don't do something, something, something, something, something, vogue, vogue, vogue, you know, and were they all doing their fierce faces dressed like they were in avatar, you know, like they're going to get

fucked in the ass on avatar. Oh, he's a bitter sports fan today, people, you know, I'm going to try and blame Madonna for the loss. No, no, either way, I would have made fun of that shit. All right, Bruce Springsteen sliding around on his knees, Prince coming out there with the stupid purple high heel boots. All right, we got it. You like to lick your lips. Okay, with your little fucking and his little hairdo, you know, coming out there and his little fucking jammy jams to go sing a fucking song with this curly Q guitar at a fucking football game. All right, go down to guitar center and teach somebody how to do a fucking, I don't know, play a goddamn G chord, get the fuck off the field. You know, if I was NFL commissioner, this is what I would do. That was

one of the first things I would do is I would get rid of that ridiculous halftime fucking show. All right, I do that. I would actually be ousted by all the owners, all the things that I wouldn't want to do. I would do that. And there was something else I wanted to do, but I already fucking forgot it. My brain just goes in a straight line. It was right there. I had the idea and I just blew by it to go right to the Madonna shit. And I can't remember. Now it's in the dust. The fuck was it? Oh, I know what I would do. I would undo that rule that the Colts made, that the Colts pushed through that. So now everybody throws for 5000 fucking yards. I would allow cornerbacks to cover, you know, to cover receivers, you know, pagers got away with one.

I don't think they were both bad calls, but one of them was a yeesh, you know, you know, nothing. Yeah, we got, I mean, but both those calls could have been past interference and we got away with them. You know, we just fucking didn't take advantage of the shit, you know, calls were going our way. Oh, Jesus. Anyways, I was actually standing out on the balcony drinking a fucking beer going, I think they're going to win. I got a good feeling, you know, they can come out, they score a fucking touchdown. Every time I poke my head in, you know, she was sitting there like a virgin who got fucked 90 years ago, whatever the fuck she was singing, everybody was all dressed in this stupid, whatever. I don't, you know,

some, I don't give a fuck if you think this podcast sucks. You, you wipe your fucking team, lose the Super Bowl, have your fucking ripped out, and then you go talk for an hour in the goddamn podcast. All right, you know what? I need a break here. Let's, let's get into the advertising for this week. Okay, people. As, as I always mentioned, as I always mentioned, all right, if you're going to buy something on Amazon.com, if you're just sitting there laying around going, you know what I think will fill the void. If I go to Amazon.com and I go buy myself a belly button ring, you know, why don't you make a little detour? Go to billbird.com. First click on the podcast page and on the right hand side right next to the iTunes little box there, whatever you

call it, the banner is the Amazon.com. You click on there and that's all you need to do. Just go to Amazon.com through my podcast page on billbird.com. Okay, they'll give me a little kickback for driving you there. It doesn't cost you any extra money to buy your little, your little cock ring, whatever the fuck you want to do. Okay, your little nose ring, whatever you kids are doing. All right, your little DJ one and two thing you want to buy. And I'm not saying you got to buy it. Don't get defensive with me. You don't have to buy it. Don't buy it. I don't give a shit. But if you're going to buy it on Amazon.com, just go through my website. They'll give me a little kick back and then I take 10% of that and I send it onto the Wounded Warriors project. All right,

if you got a problem with that, you're not an American. What do you think about that? And I think that I kick you right out of the fucking country. How'd you like that? How was that for a nice advertising read after my team lost to Super Bowl? I thought that was pretty good. I think I only said fuck twice. And the, the other thing is stamps.com stamps.com. I've actually been using this product, you know, kind of like if Tom Brady was talking about Uggs. Tom Brady said Uggs are the most comfortable shoes I've ever worn in my life, you know, you'd have by the way, what was that Tom Brady photo shoot? Who was the non football person that they brought in for the photo shoots this year? You know, they had the offensive lineman doing that 1960s football card pose.

Even the Eli one where he brought the thing back, you could see in his eyes like, what am I doing here? I usually just stand here and you take my picture. And then I don't know, Tom Brady, he went for it. I think he's been hanging out with Giselle a little too long. He did a whole photo shoot thing. I'm, I'm doing the pouty face with my fist on my chin. And now I'm doing what looks like I'm jerking off. And then I don't know what he did. He did the Charleston. I don't know what he did. That was it's the Super Bowl. We need it to be super. Let's do some photo shoots. Let's bring in Madonna. Somebody makes them dip. Do you know why it's, it's like the Super Bowl really is like, you know, those bug lights to attract mosquitoes. It that the Super Bowl is just for non sports fan

douchebags. It really is. It's because it's the only sport where it's all, you know, one game, all the marbles. That's it. Okay. You play for an NBA championship. It's best four out of seven. MLB best four out of seven. Stanley Cup best four out of seven. Okay. So you gotta be a real fan to stick it out for at least four or five fucking games. You know, Super Bowl, all you got to do is just show up and everybody shuts up during the fucking commercials. And then they, they run their goddamn mouth, but I want to actually went to a good Super Bowl party. But anyways, that's not what I'm here to talk about people. Okay. Better team one. I'm going to put it in the past and I am not going to discuss it at all during this next advertising read.

All right, Bill, game face on game face. All right, make the place unlike your team. Okay, make the fucking play here. All right, stamps.com everybody. I've actually been using this product. Um, I gotta tell you something. It's awesome, man. I don't have to go to the post office anymore. They mailed me a little scale, you know, they did everything but say, give me that little visor hat that you're supposed to wear like Mr. McFeely used to have. What was it? Les Nessman? I don't know. But basically what you can do in your own damn house with the computer and your printers, you can buy and print official US postage. All right, you use your own computer and your printer. It's quick. It's easy and getting started took me, uh, well, it should only take

you five minutes. But if you're more unlike me, it takes you about seven. I'm not going to lie to you. All right, so they got a special offer going on. Um, if you, if you go to stamps.com, just enter my last name burr, B U R R. Uh, you get a no risk trial plus $110 bonus offer, which includes a digital scale and 55 bucks worth of free postage for a limited time only. All right, it's always a limited time only because we're trying to get you to what act now. This is advertising 101 limited time only. You get a $110 bonus offer. You get a digital scale and $55 in stamps. Okay. They doing that over at Best Buy. I don't think they are for a limited time only. Okay. So don't wait exclamation point. Go to stamps.com before you

do anything else. Click on the radio microphone at the top of the homepage. That's crucial. And you type in burr, B U R R. All right, stamps.com B U R R. And I actually mailed out my DVDs using it. I didn't have to go down to the post office and stand, you know, in line behind some old lady with dementia, trying to mail a peanut butter and jelly sandwich to some guy who was in the Benny Goodman band who died in 1978. I didn't have to do that. I did it in my, my goddamn underwear. I mailed out my DVDs for this week. Okay. You know what's funny after the Super Bowl, but I just have to talk about after the Super Bowl party. Okay. When your team loses, all right. This is what you do. You just, you don't watch ESPN.

You know, I answer the phone because I, I, because I, you know, I love my friends when they break my balls. Okay. I take the shit. All right. Anthony, Anthony Kumiya called me up, that gun nut. Okay. That, uh, that little, that little warm mongerer out there in the cul-de-sac, who just never grew out of playing cowboys and Indians. You know, he never grew out of that or having a goatee. You know, he just, that man loves the past. All right. He calls me up out of nowhere, you know, asking me stuff. He doesn't even know anything about the game. Doesn't know anything about sports. And I was like, Anthony, you dego bastard. What the fuck are you calling me for? But I love them. So I took the call. And he painstakingly made me go through the details

of the, of a game he didn't even give a shit about. You know, you know what's funny is he sounded like he was in a bar and he was actually in his own goddamn house. I'm telling you, I don't know why they keep doing stories on Hugh Hefner. They really, they got to start talking about Anthony. He is the East coast Hugh Hefner. You know, whatever. So anyway, so I'm driving home and I'm trying to avoid hearing anything about the game. I'm thinking, all right, I'm in Los Angeles. You know, they don't have a football team. You know, I'll listen to the top 40 station. So I'm listening to this awful top 40 stuff. And even then I figured I was going to get away. I didn't have to listen to it. I bet it was a guy that beats the new England Patriots. Stop radio. I didn't have to listen

to any of that. I've listened to this top 40 horseshit, you know, classic hits or something. The guy's like, coming up next, we got a minute work. Speaking of minute work, the giants were meant at work today when I beat the bakery. I was like, Oh, you fucking cunt. Can't get away. I can't get away from it. So tomorrow I got to go to the airport. All right, I got to go to the goddamn airport. I know it's going to be on the cover of all that fucking thing, but I don't know. I got to admit, I actually like the giants and I like Eli. I do. I just like the style of football that they play. And I wish we would draft defensive fucking linemen that look like the guy. I got to tell you something. That kid there, uh, whose dad was in the crowd and they told that whole story about

how his grandfather was blind and he built half the town, you know, and everything was where it was supposed to be, whatever, whatever the fucking story they were telling, that play where we were right down on the goal line, even though we scored where they handed it to Ben Javis, Green Ellis, right? How the fuck he was able to tackle that guy for a loss. One of the most amazing plays I've ever seen. That's like some Lawrence Taylor ship, but he's doing it as a defensive tackle. It was frightening. Um, you know, it's funny. I was actually watching a game with one of the Patriots fans who was like one of those guys who cheers when the other team gets injured. And even all the other Pats fans were like, come on, man, really? You're going to bring that

karma onto us. So, um, I don't know. What are you going to do? Oh, his two things, man. His two things that I want to give you guys the heads up on. Um, fans of Patrice O'Neill, Rolling Stone wrote a great article about him, a four page article, not some little blurb. This is a four page article and you know, it's got all the big guys out there, you know, Chris Rock, Louis CK, everybody talking about, you know, just how unbelievable a comedian he was. And I'm going to tell you right now, you know that you are the best of the best when guys like that go out of their way to mention it and Rolling Stone is going to write four pages. You know, honoring you and you know,

at the level that he, that he was at, you know what I'm saying? It's like, you know, if somebody on, on, uh, you know, nurse Jackie died or something, you know, because you're on nurse Jackie, that was literally four pages because of what he did as a stand-up comedian. No bullshit. No, oh, this is this guy from this movie. He's the guy from the fucking trucks that turned into robots movie. Let's give this guy a piece. That was just straight up. This guy is was such a beast. You know, we're going to give up four pages. So I'm really happy that they did that. Um, you know, so definitely check that out. And, you know, Patrice O'Neill CD, Mr. P is coming out this week. Um, I can't remember if it was February 5th or the seventh,

but, uh, please download it off of iTunes. If you do anything, all right, please download it this week. Cause all that money is going to go to his, uh, to his family, you know, his wife, his stepdaughter and his mom. And it would really mean a lot to me if you guys could download that. And you know, what's the great thing about it is I'm telling you to download the material of the best comic I ever saw. All right. There I said it. That guy was, was the best. So please, please, please, please download Mr. P off iTunes. All right. And that's it. Okay. Now back to the damn podcast here. Um, oh Jesus Christ. Why this, this always fucking happens to me. I got to start doing like the fucking Thursday morning podcast.

That's what I got to start doing. So I can tape them on Wednesdays. So it always seems like I have to deal with some crushing fucking defeat that time when the jets beat the Patriots in the playoff game. That was a Sunday night. I was in fucking, uh, what the hell was I was in Atlantic city. Then I had to go up in front of jets fans. It gives a fuck. I do, obviously. You know what? I'm already getting past it. What am I going to do? Huh? Was Tom Brady going to buy me a corned beef sandwich if you fucking want it? What was with that photo shoot? Who the fuck cleared that? Jesus. All right, let's, let's get on with the podcast here. Um, then I don't know if this is

true or anything. Somebody sent me this thing. Don Cornelius, um, the founder of Soul Train, the successful show sold to the legendary show successful, uh, plays D with insurance money. I don't know, you know, this guy was big enough. Maybe you guys, some people didn't know Don Cornelius. Unfortunately, it looks like he committed suicide 75 years of age. Um, he was the host of, uh, the Soul Train. Uh, why am I trying to talk about Soul Train? You guys know I didn't watch that shit. Um, he's a legend. Okay. That was outside my wheelhouse, but I totally respect the guy. So anyways, the guy allegedly killed himself. So according to humor mill.com, and I gotta tell you something, you know, what I think of, uh, you know, quality

reporting, I think of humor mill.com. Who the fuck is humor mill.com? Does that even sound legitimate? Here's what they're reporting. Uh, we hear according to reliable sources that Don was having a very bad bout with cancer. And while this was going on, he was in a bitter dispute with his wife over the insurance money that would be delegated to her upon his death from the deadly disease. Our sources state that Don wanted the money to be given to his son Tony, Tony, but because of his marriage and his failing health, the insurance was to be given to his wife. Does that make any sense because his marriage and his failing health? What does his failing health have to do with who gets the insurance money? See, this, none of this makes sense.

I'll read it anyways. Don made the decision to take his own life since the, his doctor stated he had only weeks to live. Don probably suspected that life insurance doesn't pay anything. If someone commits suicide, but California is different. If you had the policy for more than two years, the policy pays for a suicide and Don's policy was more than two years old. Um, Jesus Christ, California really takes the no fault state, you know, to a whole not a level. You know, you get married out here, your wife goes this cross the street and goes, hey, honey, with like a dick in her mouth, you know, and there's, it's not her fault. Even suicide, isn't your fault? Dude, you want to talk about a story that's just built on sand?

Don probably suspect, go fuck yourself. Why did I even read that? What a shit thing to do to a legend. I apologize. Let's move on. Stake in a blowjob day. Bill, I'm only 15 minutes into the latest podcast and I feel that I must inform you that there is a Valentine's Day for men. It's called stake in a blowjob day. Is it really, does Hallmark make cards for that? It's celebrated March 14th, one month after Valentine's Day. It's simple. The ladies show their man appreciation by cooking a mistake and giving them a blowjob. I remember this movement gaining some momentum with people my age, 23, a while back, but then I haven't heard anything about it in years. Yeah, it's amazing. You know,

I've been watching the news lately and I've seen plenty of stuff, plenty of stuff on Valentine's Day. I haven't really heard them coming up next. Does everybody got their shopping ready? The women. I'm standing out here live in front of the grocery store. There's a pandemonium. Women are trying to buy steaks. You know, they got the blowjob thing down, but they need that meat. Is everything that you guys are sending me horseshit this week? A few years ago, I remember seeing people posting about it on Facebook on March 14, including girls saying that they would be participating. This movement needs a second push of momentum. It needs a celebrity endorsement. It needs Bill Burr. I thought you needed a celebrity. What level of show business am I in? Okay. I feel like

I'm slowly getting to a VJ level. Am I like a famous as a VJ maybe? You know, am I more recognizable than the Jack in the box guys voice? Um, anyways, I know you could explain and defend this holiday from haters. I'm pretty sure it started in your own hometown of Boston too. Promote steak and a blowjob day on the podcast and be a part of history. Um, uh, dude, I don't know how to promote this. Well, I can give you some advice. The first thing you need to do is you need to come up with a euphemism for blowjob. All right. Because if it's steak and a blowjob day, uh, you're really limiting, you know, the amount of people that you can reach out to, you know, it's like you kind of go in like death metal there. Like Hallmark isn't going to make,

you know, cutesy little cards with like dicks on them and like a fucking steak grilling in the background. Like I don't know how the fuck you would do that. So, um, I don't know. I don't know. My fucking team lost to Super Bowl. I can't even make steak and a blowjob day funny. What the fuck do you want from me? I'm playing hurt on this one. Okay. Oh my god. It's not that they lost. It's that they fucking blew it. I had it. They fucking had it. Just fucking catch the goddamn ball. Keep going down the field. Kick a little fucking field goal. Give it back to them. They've blown that two fuck two out of three timeouts. Steak and a blowjob day. Um, you know what? I'm so old. How about fuck off day? That's what I

would like. Fuck off. Just 24 hours. Just fuck off. No, for 24 hours, I don't want to be in another room just getting comfortable in here. Honey. Honey, could you open this? I mean, I can't I mean, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sweetie, um, you remember we were supposed to go to the fucking cottage cheese cut fair there. Just 24 hours of not that. 24 hours of I just just don't want at any point to be like, are you done watching the TV? Because I wanted to watch my shows now. I wanted to watch. I wanted to watch my shows. Can I watch my shows? Hey, honey, fuck off. Don't be mean to me. It's fuck off day. Fuck off means it means fuck off for 24 hours. Okay. You know what's funny is they

they couldn't do it. They couldn't do it. They would say they got the sun is down the day's over. Down the day's over. God, it's really the whole. Yes, it's a whole day. Fuck off. You literally have to leave your house for fuck off day. Do you realize that just how fucking I'm such a maniac. Do you know today I was driving into the supermarket and I was getting some blue moon for the Super Bowl that my team lost. God damn it. And this is the latest people that I just fantasized blowing the brains right out of the back of their fucking skulls. Those fucking douchebags, they see you sitting in your fucking car waiting for the spot and they get everything in the car real quick and then when they get in the

fucking car, they're just sitting there. What the fuck are you doing? That's one girl just looking at me, you know, she was older like in like really early sixties and she was still trying to look hot when these Eastern European, I must break you fucking looks on her face. You know, I immediately thought she was involved in illegal activity. Does that make me racist? Or does it make me self hating because they're considered white people in this country? Eastern European people all look fucking shady to me. They all look fucking shady that they've either been in a gulag or sent somebody to the fucking they're doing something, they got some sort of black market shit going on. They're just shady looking people, you know.

I don't like them. I'm telling you right now, I don't trust them. There you go. That's my people that straight across the board. I don't fucking trust them. All right, my grandmother doesn't trust the Japanese because of Pearl Harbor. I don't trust the fucking Eastern Europeans because of the Cold War. My whole life, I was told that they were gonna fucking blow me up. I don't trust. Ah, Jesus Christ, I don't fucking talking about stealing fruit. Hey, let's read this. Let's read this, shall we? Charlie Murphy right now is probably ordering sports illustrated and getting that little cheap ass football, you know, dancing around trying to act like he, you know, looking up football words, stealing fruit. Hey Bill, I've heard your views on the automated

checkout machines and it got me thinking. While I was grocery shopping, I was looking at the price of organic tomatoes versus, you know what, I was just thinking about the time I walked out of the Super Bowl and we lost to the pack or so much that hurt and I wasn't even thinking about what the fuck I was just reading. Let me start over again. Hey Bill, I heard your views on automated checkout machines and it got me thinking. While I was grocery shopping, I was looking at the price of organic tomatoes versus regular tomatoes and the price was triple. Moments after, I had what alcoholics call a moment of clarity. I'm gonna shice the fuck out of this grocery store. Oh, I love it. I totally advocate this move. I love the direction you're going in. That's right.

Make it work for you, sir. I loaded up on every expensive fruit and vegetable I could find. Everything organic. The weird exotic fruit you never buy because it's $10 a pound, all of it. I even went to the make your own salad bar by the pound and made a vicious salad that made it hard to snap the plastic clothes because I emptied all the chicken breast and artichokes in it. I went, oh, that I skimp on, oh, that I usually skimp on because it makes it, oh, who's this? A New York sports fan? Oh God, this is my brother. He was at the game. I got to take this. Hold on. All right, I'm back. Sorry about that. So anyways, where the hell was I? This guy shiced in the supermarkets. He goes, I usually skimp on the chicken breast because it's the

heaviest and now he's loading up. Let's see where the hell this is going to go. I went to the automated checkout machine. If you don't have the produce code, it asks you to look it up yourself. I entered everything wrong. For some reason, I thought asparagus was parsley and the rest of the shit was potatoes. I weighed everything and placed it in the bag. My voice is all cracking from screaming the bag. Even the salad bar box somehow got entered as iceberg lettuce. It weighed it and told me to put it in the bag. I had my best foreign accent on deck just in case they caught on and tried to bust me. I was going to play it off and pretend I couldn't even speak English, let alone read it. I paid and I left the store with 80 bucks worth of produce for only

$6 and 17 cents. I fucking love this guy. Ever since that day, I've been eating gourmet salads and organic vegetables like a fake. Fuck them. Like you said, I don't work here. It's not my job to know what the fuck the difference between a Roma tomato and an organic tomato is. If you want the shit done right, don't depend on bro college students to be a produce expert. There you go. Good for you, sir. God damn it. I almost wish I didn't read that because somebody who makes those machines will know. They'll figure it out eventually, but they haven't figured it out yet, people. All right. We're in a recession. If you want to eat healthy, this guy just gave you the keys. Well, why can't you do that with everything? Why don't you go buy yourself a big T bone steak

for fucking blowjob and steak day, right? And you know, just entering in is like fucking Cheerios. It'd be great. You can eat like Donald Trump and just fucking yeah, just wow. That's fucking amazing. I think I like those automated machines now. No, I don't, I don't have that in me. I advocate stealing from people like that, but I'm just, I'm not one of those guys. I don't know. My karma is too fucking strong. Whenever I do shit like that, whenever I do shit like that, I always get fucking like something happens. I get away with it and then I drop my cell phone in the fucking toilet. I just, I just don't have that in me. You know, believe me, I want to do it. I am a piece of shit. I am a dirtbag.

You know, you know what, Bill? Maybe you're just not good at stealing. Anyways, advice. Hey, Bill, love the podcast. I'm going to make this quick. Let's see how long this is. This isn't fucking quick. Look at all this shit I have to read. I'm going to make this quick. Okay, dated abroad for six years, gotten gauged too much later. She says she's not ready. Dump her. It's over, dude. She said we lived together. We lived together at the time less than a week later. Her new 40 year old boyfriend slash coworker. My ex is 28 as am I is sitting in the front of my house in the driver's seat of her car. I basically told her to get the fuck out. She agreed that lowly cunt. Wow, she dumped you for a 40 year old guy.

Does he make money? Why would she do that? Christ, this guy's fucking pubes are going to look like Jay Leno's head within fucking eight years. Why would she do that? Fast forward a year and things couldn't get better for me. Great job. Awesome roommate and most of all no daily drama due to the fact that we have many mutual friends. I've missed certain events because I have missed certain events because she was going. This is no problem as I have plenty of other shit to do. Just sucks knowing that she is more likely prying herself into my friend's heads and filling them with bullshit. I know how her brain works, which means she's probably painting

this of how she wishes her and I could be friends to my close people. This is complete bullshit as she hasn't made an effort to contact me once. Well, has she done this? Are you just inventing this in your head? She even goes as far according to, oh, I guess okay, according to close friends as to bring up a fatal jet skiing accident I was involved in last July and how worried she was. Again, not a single call or a text. Well, dude, what happened with the jet ski? This is more compelling than this fucking petty cunt that you're talking about. How the fuck can you bring up? Dude, this thing went from some office bullshit to a goddamn Schwarzenegger movie and now we're back in the office again. Again, not a single call or a text.

Honestly, I want nothing to do with the whore, so whatever. She actually reminds me of that girl, the self-loathing narcissistic one that sucks all the air out of the room, that Nia chimed in about on a podcast earlier, 7-11-11, I believe. Whenever I'm out with friends and they're filthy. What the fuck is that word gang gangriness, VAD shows up? Gangrenous? Did you invent a word? It's not underlined in red. I've never seen that word. I respectfully say my goodbyes and leave. I rebonded with a cute server for a few months and lately haven't seen or heard much from her. The ex is aware that we have been hooking up and come to find out somehow managed to lure her 21-year-old impressionable mind in two.

Tonight, for example, they walk into a bar with a few other folks and I watch my ex-fiancé prompt her to come say hi as if to let me know they've been hanging out. Dude, why don't you get out of this girl's world? What are you living in? A one-horse town? There's one little saloon? One fucking Applebee's? Anyways, he goes up above all of it and had the foresight to realize such things were possible as she's a narcissistic, manipulative cunt. Bottom line, my best friend is getting married in a couple of months. I'm a groom's man and the ex is in the bridal party. Jesus, need some advice as how to handle it. What are you o'er? Go to the fucking wedding. Have a good time. Take your dick out and go on

the dance floor. Try to fuck one of her friends. I don't know. Do whatever you want to do. Just have a good time. Have a good fucking time. This girl is obviously miserable. Who fucking trades in a fucking 28-year-old stud for some 40-year-old guy? Yeah, she fucked up. Dude, you're holding all the cards. You're still in the prime of your fucking life. Just go there and have a good time. Have some drinks and this is what, let her walk around the room and tell everybody what an asshole you are and then just be a good shit. Then they're going to be like, you know, she'll just be that crazy person following you around. She walks up to you. Don't look her in the eye. Look at her hands, all right, just in case. In case she fucking

is annoyed that everybody still likes you and she decides to do a glen close. I don't know. I don't understand your problem, sir. I think you should just fucking live your life and stop going to shit that she's going to be at. You can't find another bar to drink at. You know what you do? Next time you see her, just be like, hey, you put your arms out like you're going to hug her and just boot her right in the box. Just take the fucking misdemeanor. That's a misdemeanor, isn't it? It's below the waist, you know, above the waist. I think it's a salt below the waist. I believe, you know, I believe that it's a, is it misdemeanor, right? Kick her in the box or go to a bar she's not at. Okay. You need this decision type.

Number two, so I'm a 21, 20 year old college student who works at a grocery store. So I haven't got laid in a few months and jerking off to online porn is getting more and more degrading and uninteresting. But recently a chicken, dude, I can't even focus on these things. I keep thinking about the fucking game, but recently a chicken work has been coming on to me and we've been texting really sexual shit. Well, congratulations, sir. You'll never be able to run for president. And I'm pretty confident I could bang her even though she has a boyfriend. Oh, Jesus. You know, I was just thinking about that is how you know they're saving all this shit, all this fucking lurid shit that we're looking at on the internet, all our text messages. I'm predicting this

in 20 years when I'm an old fucking, I'm in my sixties and these young whippersnappers from this generation are, they're running for president. That's what's going to be coming up. You know, is it true that in 19 fucking, no, that's too far back. Is it true in 2009 you texted to one of your fucking coworkers that you wanted to stick your tongue up her ass? Is this the kind of person we want to run in the country? It's going to be all that shit. Why did you jerk off to a woman gets groped on subway in February of 2008? I don't recall. I let my roommate use my computer. I watched it, but did not touch myself. That'll be the, I smoked it, but didn't inhale line in 20 years. Was that choppy enough for you guys?

Did you, did you even hear the joke and my choppy fucking, my team just lost the Super Bowl fucking delivery? Anyways, she says, but fuck, isn't it her responsibility not to cheat if she's putting it out there like that? And I think it's my duty as a man to fuck her. I don't even know what you're talking about, sir. I have no fucking idea. My team lost the Super Bowl. Let me go back here. 20 year old college student working at a grocery store. I'm in late. I'm jerking off the porn. Chick's been coming on to me. She has a boyfriend. Yeah, yeah, fuck her. Then he luck she'll get caught in that guy won't knock her up and marry her. Anyways, he says, and if her boyfriend finds out, hey, he can dump her and know that she's a

cheating bitch. There you go. And I would be done with her forever. Sort of. Okay, maybe not. But even though it's morally wrong to have sex with someone with a girl who has a boyfriend, we are 20 years old and it's not like she's married or anything. And she's basically waving a steak in front of a hungry dog. What should I do? Fuck her in the cereal. I'll do it. Who gives a shit? You're 20 years old. That's what you're supposed to be doing. Wear a condom. All right. Bender over that little caution floor has just been mop sign. Push your head right into the mop bucket and let her have it. Fuck it. Who gives a shit? My fucking team lost the Super Bowl. I don't give a fuck about her boyfriend's feelings. Next one.

Hey, Bill, I'm a 21 year old college student going to Washington State University. Home, I drew blood. So this has been my first year away from home and it's been an adventure to say the least. My 21, for 21st birthday was the first time I drank and I've been hanging out with girls for the first flipping time in my life. God bless you, sir, for keeping your innocence that long that you didn't have any booze till you were 21. You're finally hanging out with girls and you still don't say fuck. You say flipping for the first flipping time in my life. I love this guy. I've always been incredibly nervous around women and I have no game at all. Well, the first thing you do is stop saying flipping. You don't even say flipping. You say flipping for the first

flipping time in my life. Actually, you know what, dude? Why don't you stay? Just be a nice guy. All right. Don't don't go down the road. I went. Okay. There's a price you pay. You become a miserable cut like me. Anyways, the one accomplishment that I have under my belt is moving into an apartment with two beautiful girls this semester. Fucking Jack Tripper. One of which has been the girl I had a crush on since I was 12 years old. Embarrassing, I know. She has a boyfriend and I've pretty much accepted the fact that he's a nice guy. I'm just glad that I get to hang out with her. God, I sound like a douche. All right, dude, I swear to God, if you go into your bedroom

while she's in the living room and you jerk off to her, all right, that's a level of loneliness that you do not want to experience. I really hope that you haven't done it yet. Please don't do that. Anyways, he says, I'm sick and tired of being this incredibly nervous 21 year old version, who's living in babe country. Every time I see a hottie, I can't help but think I will never be able to get her. Well, not with that fucking attitude. Your whole fight. Listen, you got to get yourself out of right field. That's what you are right now. You're that kid. Ah, God, am I really required to stick this kid in for three innings? Stick him out right field. Your baton ninth, please for the love of God, Bill, give me some advice.

All right, this is the last one of these trying to help the 21 year old version guys. I'm fucking doing. Okay, I give advice about this every fucking week. How about somebody get, how about something else? Can we get out of the wheelhouse of fucking relationships here? Give you some advice. I don't know what to tell you, dude. All right, start talking to women. This is the first thing you want to do. Don't try and fuck anybody you're living with. Fuck all of that. All right, you want to get that girl, go out and fucking start banging a bunch of other women and come home and then all of a sudden you're going to seem like you're mysterious. When you're 21 years old and you're banging a bunch of women with the women

your age, look at you like you're like a spy or something like your James Bond. You do it at my age and you're just a fucking pig. All right. That's what you need to do. You need to go out and get hammered. You need to go out. You got to get in the mix. You got to go out and do some shit. You got to, you got to create some sort of vibe. All right, you can't just be like, how are you doing, Sherry? I'm going to be in my room, you know, and then just fucking sitting there jerking off in there. You got to get out of there. All right, you need a little bit of swagger. Fuck that bitch that you've liked for nine years from us. Half your fucking life. Fuck her. It's not going to happen. Okay. It's over. She's sucking someone else's dick. Someone

else's flipping dick, sir. That's what you need to do. You need to go out. You need to get a little fucking, you got a little, got to get a little mud on your uniform. You know what I mean? You got to win a couple of games. You have a little bit of swagger and then one day you're going to walk in there and you're going to catch her in the right move. All right. And you're going to undo her fucking sweatpants and you're going to bent her over that poor excuse for a fucking sofa and you're going to show her who's what. All right. And then when a boyfriend shows up, you're both not going to say anything and you're going to get on with your life. You're going to go in there and you're going to make yourself some popcorn. That's what the fuck you want to do.

Sir, I have no advice for you. I don't know what to tell you. All right. I think a lot of what you're doing is great. You know, you're like a 21 year version. You know what you like? You like one of those Star Wars action figures that's still in the package. You know, you're worth a lot of money. So you, you know, there's two routes you can go here. You can fuck. You can fucking, you can, you can stay this route, join the church choir, pray to God, you don't get molested by some closet fucking psycho, right? And then meet some nice girl who plays the keyboards. Keep in mind that Jesus Christ has died for all that has risen from the dead. You can hook up with her, you know, peel off her 20 levels of clothes.

Or you can just go zero to 100 and just go find some dirty skank. You don't want to do that too. You don't. Okay. You know what you need to do? You need to work it out yourself. The last thing you need to do is listen to some fucking piece of shit, dirtbag, never been married, no fucking kids sliding into fucking 50 years of age. You don't need to listen to me. Okay. What you need to do is, uh, you need to stick with what you're doing. Okay. At this point, I'm sure you're fucking Eagle Scout. I bet you can start a fire without matches, you know, and, uh, you know, I don't know, you probably got a sweater, you know, dark colored socks. I don't know what to tell you, dude, like what you're doing is actually commendable that you're that fucking untainted.

And look at you. You call you just sitting here. You're fucking saying you got a crush on this girl. What do you do? And what do I do? I, I, I, I send you down this piece of shit road. I think you need to listen to another podcast, sir. I bet that Joel Olstein could tell you what to do. You know, Jesus, Jesus wants you to get that pussy. Um, do you realize Joel Olstein, his fucking church is where the Houston Rockets used to play mega church, mega church this Sunday, mega church. Jesus Christ never looked so good. Right. Jesus comes in fucking shredded wearing a male thong, you know, uh, what the fuck that means? Do they make a male thong overrated underrated for the fucking week? Oh, I'm playing a heart this week. 51 minutes. That's not bad. All right.

The only you cunts think you could be even remotely this amusing after your team just fucking blew the goddamn Super Bowl overrated underrated for the week. Um, all right, what is this one underrated unemployment? It may suck to lose a job you love, but when you get canned from a soul crushing mind numbing daily head fuck of a job where your boss is a little piece of shit with an anger problem. Um, why did that have a question mark on it? As long as you can have nice fat, a nice fat savings account and you can keep from losing the house while you kick back and take it easy for a few months or years. Don't forget about unemployment insurance. They will pay you for over two years to sit on your ass and encourage

you to do it. It doesn't hurt my pride. One little bit to get back a small portion of all that tax money the government stole from me over the years. Fuck them. You get to sleep in every day, go to the gym while it's empty and drink on a school night. I would never go back if you didn't have to, if I didn't have to. Yeah, dude, I gotta tell you, man. Yeah, you know what you're living? You're living the life of a comedian, except you don't have to go out and do a set that night. Ah, Jesus. Is that going to be it? Is that the podcast for this week? I gotta, I gotta some, I gotta put in an hour here. Somehow I gotta put in an hour. I don't know what to fucking tell you guys. I really don't. Oh, I know what I forgot to mention this week. Pro flowers, Valentine's Day

is coming up everybody. Why don't you go to proflowers.com? For some reason, they took that banner off my, my website. They told me they go, we want to have banner on your website that we have the ability to change. And they, they just completely took the thing down. So I don't know what that means. You know, I probably should have called them, you know, but they took it down. You want, you wanted all that control pro flowers. I don't know what I'm supposed to be talking about this week. All I know is Valentine's Day is coming up and I advocate, you know, I advocate going out on the 15th when you can get a goddamn reservation. It doesn't cost 90 fucking grand. All right. Who's kidding? Who? All right. I didn't get any goddamn copy this week.

Fuck it. I'm just going to wing this one. All right. It's Valentine's Day everybody. You got to celebrate her and her fucking twat. That's what's going down. You don't want to shop. So why don't proflowers.com bouquet of flowers and slap her right in the fucking cunt with it. Why don't you do that? Just go on there. Flowers.com and click on the twat and enter be you fucking RR and get yourself a bouquet of flowers, shove the vase in her ass and you have yourself a lovely day. Save the chocolates for yourself because that's what it's about. Oh, Jesus. You didn't give me any copy. What do you want from me? I have copy for next week. They have their desperate copy for next week. Hey, fellas, Valentine's Day tomorrow. You got a federal express some roses. Why did I just do

that? That was total self sabotage. I was finally making some money on the fucking podcast. Why would I do something like that? Because my team just lost the Super Bowl and I'm really not feeling it. I read enough ads to cover my new pair of tube socks I need to buy this week. Hey, Belle, where are you going to be this week? I'll tell you where I'm going to be. I'm doing the red neck tour. I'm coming down south. Fucking south's going to rise again. Hey, wait, let me tell you something. We start if we all got together, we created a co-op, right? Like that did on that show, the wire, except it's all white people where it should be. If we created a co-op, hear me out of all our fucking moonshine stills. We took all the money we made instead of buying a new pair of

overalls or sticking a fucking 500 cubic inch engine into a fucking Vega. We combined all that money. We could buy some gray uniforms and south rise again. We could do that shit. I'm going to be in Charlotte, North Carolina on Tuesday at the comedy zone, the comedy fuck face hut. I don't even know what the hell I'm going to be. I'm going to be in Charlotte, North Carolina. Rick Flair. If you listen into my podcast, anybody who knows Rick Flair, I got a fucking, I got tickets for him if he wants to come down. It would be an absolute honor to meet arguably one of the top five funniest motherfuckers on a microphone ever. And then on the, what is it going to be? February eighth, Wednesday, I'm going to get my rental car, east panel down, loaded up and trucking. I'm

going to drive all the way over to Alabama, Alabama, the only fucking state that Georgia can make fun of. I'm going to go into Alabama and I'm going to be at the stadium for one show and one show only. And then the next day, I'm going to go into Atlanta, Georgia, Atlanta, Georgia on nine. I'm going to be at the fucking, what is it, the Buckhead Theater. And I'm going to be doing, I'm getting ready to do my big stand up special on March 3rd at the Lincoln Theater, Washington DC, two shows. And so what you will be seeing, you will be seeing comedian freaking out. No, you'll be seeing a comedian putting together. What you're really going to see is me just fucking around. That's what you're going to see doing the hour that I think I'm going to do

fucking around with it and having fun with it. You know, but not going all fucking crazy. Not going all crazy with it. I don't want to burn it out. I'm already sick of these fucking jokes people. I'm not going to lie to you. That's what that's when it's time to do a special. When you're standing on stage going, if I have to talk about this one more fucking night, I'm going to kill myself. And then you're like, you know what, I think it's time to document this and move on. That's where I am in my life. So I'm going to be driving the highways down there in the good old South. I'm going to have my head on a swivel looking for some old cars. And oh, hey, thanks to everybody who helped me out to try and find the parts for my truck, man.

As I told you, I got this fucking garage, bought this old house and the garage is designed for a fucking Model T Ford. I'm not even lying to you. Okay. The goddamn garage is high enough to get a fucking truck with a lift kit on it. But you know, you know, those old cars back in the day, you sat inside the wheel wells, you know, inside of tires were on the outside and you were on the inside, you know, that's why there was all that date rate back then. I mean, you were sitting on top of it. And that's true. That's a true story. It's a true goddamn story. And I'm sticking with it. Yeah, thanks everybody who helped me out with that and ordering the parts. And when they get here, I'm going to have some friends of mine look over my shoulders, I try and put them on and have them

like fucking help me out. You know, what's funny is I bought the oil because I'm going to change the oil and the fucking thing and for the life of me, I can't find the fucking I looked under really quick. I can't fucking find it. My old truck, there was oil pans right in the bottom and there was a little screw. You just undid the fucking thing. It was right there. I can't find the goddamn thing. Granted, I was holding on my dog as it was trying to eat a cat at the time and I was sticking my big head. You know, I love about having a truck is my big fucking head can actually fit underneath the truck without having to raise it up at all. But people have asked me to post pictures of it. I'm not going to do it just because nobody really has one out here. And this thing,

you know, sticks out like a sore thumb and, you know, I don't know, you know, I don't need people going, Hey, why did you read my podcast questions? I'm driving down the fucking street. All right. So it's a 68 Ford F 100. That's all I'm going to tell you three on the tree, bitches. You know what's funny is Nia is afraid of the thing because it's loud as fuck. And you know, the other day I was trying to cut in front of somebody. And so I let out the clutch too quickly and I stalled it. And then as I pushed it and rolled back before we get we get run into. And it's just she, you know, she's a city girl. You know, she was already afraid of driving and that type of thing. So she's never even heard of

standard transmission. So she doesn't get why it stalls. She thinks the truck is broken. And she thinks it's too loud and that you bounce around too much in it. Just everything that makes it awesome. She's kind of afraid of, but I think gradually maybe she'll like it. I don't know. Because I always want to take around that that's the point of getting the old car, you know, take your girl out for a drive. You have your fucking dog in the back, right? My inner redneck. Hey, by the way, when I'm out there, give me some food suggestions here because I'm on the wagon here because I'm not even on the wagon. By on the wagon means I have one scotch at night. I have to stay in shape so I don't become Billy fat face. I had a little too much booze weight,

my last fucking specials, you know, let it go. I got a little out of control. So I want to be in shape for this one. And so if you guys know, if you know some good restaurants, keep me away from the bars, but there's some good place. Like what is there to do in Charlotte, North Carolina? What do I have to get to, you know, to eat? What is the thing? What are you fucking known for out there other than having the bobcats? You know what I mean? And Alabama, the same thing. What are you guys known for, huh? Besides having sex with your cousins? What are you guys known for? That's what you're known for. All right. Fuck it. Start with me. Atlanta, what are you known for? Down low brothers, the Braves losing the World Series. Stonewall Jackson, light in a fucking

scarecrow on fire and Robert E. Lee. I don't know. Oh, fuck it. Jesus Christ. I'm done. Hour and two minutes. Go fuck yourselves. Congratulations to the franchise New York Giants and congratulations to all the true New York Giants fans. It's fucking awesome, man. Come on, dude. Four fucking Super Bowl rings. That's the shit. Okay, you know it is. That's the shit. You can make a fist and you got one for each goddamn finger. Thumbs curling around. No one can see that one yet. You know, but who knows? Who knows with fucking Eli and the way you guys draft defensive players. It wouldn't surprise me if Eli got his third. You know, it really wouldn't surprise me. That guy is the fucking man and he finally got his due.

You know, good for him. I'm not a lie to you. It fucking hurts, but I'm not. I'm not a cunt when I lose. All right. So congratulations to you sons of bitches. That's the podcast for this week. Go fuck yourself next week. I'm doing a bunch of gigs out in Jersey, Long Island, and in New York. I got all the dates up on my website. What the fuck is it? billbird.com Jesus Christ. Did I forget my website? I can't believe I did that shit with pro flowers. Guys, do me a favor. Don't don't fucking say anything. Don't be cunts. All right, please for the love of God, who gives a shit? Oh, man, idiot. All right, go, go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you next week.