Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 2-6-17

Episode Date: February 6, 2017

A stunned Bill Burr rambles about the Patriots Super Bowl win, coaching your kid's team and brushing your teeth....

Transcript
Discussion (0)
Starting point is 00:00:00 Hey what's going on, what's going on, it's Phil Burr it's a Monday morning podcast for Monday February 6th, 2017. I'm doing it right after the Super Bowl, just cause I got the little one now and she's going to keep me up all night. So I knew there was no way there's everybody texts me right now. I'm speechless, something you'll never hear from me. I'm always running my mouth. I am absolutely speechless. I cannot believe we came back and won that game. I'm not going to be that guy going, dude, I knew it. I was like, I had this feeling, right? I said this. I didn't. I had my fucking head in the oven at halftime. We were so getting our ass kicks at like 21 to nothing. When Brady threw a pick six, I have this theory at the NFL level
Starting point is 00:01:14 that if you throw a pick six, you don't win the game. They're too fucking good. It's the most devastating fucking play. Literally, you know, so I saw one time in NFL films, one of the players said that you're trying to score not only these other teams stop you, they turn around and score on that fucking play. It's like, I, I, I can't believe it. 21 three. Then it was 28 to three. I wasn't even like, uh, I actually texted to somebody going like, this is the longest fucking loss I've ever watched in my life. I'm like, this is just slowly going to, what is this going to end up being like 35, 10? Are they going to bring that fucking bench in? Um, I had completely mentally thrown in the towel and I was just sitting here.
Starting point is 00:01:59 Um, you know, and I couldn't scream and yell, you know, I got my girl now and just hilarious. I'm just sitting there going, well, at least she's keeping me calm. But there was so kicking our ass. I couldn't even get upset. Um, and if you watched when I was promoting, uh, my special and when people would ask me about the game, I was, I was not comfortable at all. And you know, I went from like not even believing in Atlanta against Seattle, picking against them again, uh, when they played green bay. And I was just, after I saw the way they played, I was like, man, they got, they got a great running back. They got Julio Jones, Matt Ryan seems dialed in all that shit that I said.
Starting point is 00:02:42 And then right before the super bowl, they're like, dude, they don't have one running back. They got two. They got that Coleman guy too. So I was like, like this, I don't know. I just, I had that fucking, you know, that feeling you have when you think your team's going to lose, but you don't want to say it. That's why I was saying everybody, uh, on those shows going like, you know, I'd bet the under, um, which didn't come in. And I said, I would like the Falcons getting, if I could get five, I think that I wasn't comfortable taking the Patriots given points. Um, so I can't say I called it on any fucking level. I didn't, I am absolutely fucking speechless. I can't believe it. I just cannot believe it. And, uh,
Starting point is 00:03:22 I've never said this before, but I think I can finally say it. I think Tom Brady is the greatest of all time. I always gave the nod to Montana because he went to four, it took him four trips to win for, but even then it's always up for debate because what if Montana had Bella check? What you have is the greatest head coach in arguably, arguably the greatest, if not now five rings to great argument, the greatest fucking quarterback of all fucking time, you know, playing together. I can't, I cannot fucking believe it. I can't, and I didn't have any emotion the whole game. I just, cause we just so fucking losing. So I was just sitting there and then as we were slowly, I wasn't, I wasn't even calling,
Starting point is 00:04:03 saying that we were coming back. I was, uh, maybe they'll make it a little respectable. I don't know. All right. You know, maybe we just lose by 10. And then, you know, we scored that first two point conversion. And even then when we were going down the field, I'm like, what are the odds we're going to get another fucking two point conversion? We fucking missed a field goal. We fucking screwed up the, uh, the, uh, the, the, the onside kick. And, um, two of the greatest Super Bowl catches I've seen since the helmet catch, uh, was Julio Jones. Jesus Christ. And what a fucking throw. Matt Ryan was also running when he made that throw. I was like, Oh my God, every fucking Super Bowl now,
Starting point is 00:04:41 every Super Bowl that there's that fucking ghost of Eli, if it isn't Eli, it's like the ghost of Eli fucking throw. And for once we had, uh, Edelman, we had a circus catchback and, um, I don't know. I, I'm absolutely stunned. And having said all that, my condolences to Atlanta Falcon fans. I got no beef with you guys. And I've been there plenty of fucking times. Um, certainly for the first, you know, 36 years of my life, if there was a fucking way to choke away a goddamn game, I saw a Boston team do it. And for whatever fucking reason, I don't know why this is happening. I don't know why it's happened this fucking long. Just trying to enjoy it. This is how spoiled Boston fans are. My daughter's two weeks old
Starting point is 00:05:26 and she's already seen her first Boston title. It's fucking unbelievable. And, um, I got a big kick out of Bill Maher, Trash in the Patriots. At first I thought, is he just trashing? Is he talking sports? That's like me talking politics. This guy's getting outside of his lane, but then I saw you was mad. I guess he was mad because, uh, you know, Brady and I guess somebody else, I don't pay attention to all that fucking soap upper shit. I guess they're like Trump supporters. And I heard on the radio that, you know, I don't know, Brady did or didn't go when Obama was there. I don't fucking know. So this, this, the Patriots aren't, aren't at the height of their hatred. If he shows up now,
Starting point is 00:06:05 if he didn't go to the old, the Obama thing and then shows up at the Trump thing, that's going to be a complete shit show, but they seem to thrive being hated. So what a fucking season starts off with that fucking horse shit. The biggest, uh, as like witch hunt I've ever seen in my life, that stupid fucking deflate gate thing and just all the justice that came out of it, the fact that it went to court, it got laughed out of court to the point the judge was actually pissed. Then they finally get the fucking thing. They just, I don't know. They just, well, we're a corporation. We have a right to suspend our employee. Yes, you do. He's our employee. You're fucking suspended. So then he sits there for fucking games. And I just started thinking,
Starting point is 00:06:49 well, five games in, we have a rested pissed off Tom Brady without those fucking miles. Maybe that'll be a good thing. And just how poetic was the whole thing? Do you know that lineback from Indianapolis who I don't have any fucking beef with? Cause he said he didn't want to be in the middle of it, but the linebacker who caught the ball that he brought to the sideline is a souvenir that touched off the whole deflate gate thing. He tested positive for steroids and got a four game suspension. It's funny how ESPN really didn't do, you know, you think they'd still be talking about that? Yeah, never happened. You know, and I also thought it was funny, Bill Mark called us cheaters as we're playing the Atlanta Falcons who got busted pumping fucking crowd
Starting point is 00:07:29 noise in, but that's okay. It's okay. Who gives a fuck? You know, in NBA, when they go, you know, on basketball, they go, the ball don't lie. That's what I feel like just fucking happened. After all of that shit vindication, he comes back and he wins it. And then Roger Goodell, like, like the end of a fucking diehard movie, the police commissioner who didn't fucking believe in the rogue cop has to come in and finally give in and be like, you know what? You are a good cop. Here's your gun and your badge back, right? Brady's sitting there with this fucking dirty fucking wife beater on. Jesus Christ. And I will never fucking ever tell it. You know, Keith Robinson called it. I'm going to find the fucking text message. I'm going to read you some
Starting point is 00:08:12 of these fucking texts right now, because I hate when fucking people fucking quit, you know, and then they don't admit to it. I did. I was like, this, this game is fucking over there. Younger, they're faster. And then we get a break in the game. Then they get a fucking big sack. I mean, they're a really, really good team. Hang on, let me find this fucking thing. I had a buddy of mine. He texts me at halftime. He said, I took Atlanta in the under and I was like, great bet. I didn't hear from him till after the overtime. And then he texts me. He just text fixed. All right. Oh my God, I felt so bad for fucking Atlanta's owner. He seems like such a great guy. You know, you know, he looks like fucking grandpa monster. And he made the fucking
Starting point is 00:08:56 Jerry Jones. Did Jerry Jones move? You come down on the field before you put the game away. Then he had to stand there. Do you just see when he had that glum look on his face and is, I don't know what, you know, you never know what those super rich guys. It's like, is that your daughter or your fucking third wife? Whoever the fuck that was with him, just sort of glanced at him like, Oh God, he's going to be hitting the bottle tonight. That poor bastard. All right. Where is it? What did I say here? Okay. It's the first text I sent. That 455 p.m. Pacific coast time. Have I ever told you my pick six rule? If you throw a pick six during an NFL game, you lose not to mention we are down 21, nothing. I bet the under it's 59.
Starting point is 00:09:39 The pay, if the Patriots don't start playing defense, the Falcons will score 60 lol. He writes, ha, ha, ha. The Falcons give up a lead all the time. He said that at 21, nothing. This is Keith Robinson, who I'll now say the great Keith Robinson, Tom Brady, the greatest of all time. Keith Robinson, he's the great Keith Robinson. All right. Then I wrote, we look like shit against the Texans and the Steelers weren't that tough. Uh, okay. Six 19 p.m. This loss is taking forever. I had no belief. Um, you know, Glenn close in the natural when she stands up and he looks into the stands. If, if, uh, let's say me and Robert Redford had an alternative lifestyle relationship when he looked up in the stance, I would have been gone. He would have seen the back of my head
Starting point is 00:10:28 walking out of the fucking stadium. Um, he goes, they can still come back and I just, I just laugh. I laughed at him and I just said, they are younger and faster. AFC was weak and then there's no more text for a while. Then he writes back, told you, and then I wrote, right, you might be right. Uh, then I wrote, that's one of the best catches I've ever seen. That was the Julio Jones. And then I wrote, does grandpa monster own the falcons? That's when he was down on the thing. And then after that, he was just calling me up and he just kept saying, this is what Atlanta does. And I was like, you're right. You're absolutely right. I don't know. But, you know, you know, I sat and watched the whole fucking thing. Thank God I didn't turn on some Mary Tyler
Starting point is 00:11:12 Moore tribute. By the way, God rest her soul. One of my favorites of all time. Um, I cannot fucking believe it. I cannot fucking, I just sat here. Um, I just accepting defeat going like, oh, well, you know, we'll see what the fuck I can't, I can't fucking believe it. I can't believe it. So there you go. Five fucking rings. Tom Brady, the greatest of all time. And once again, I always have to say this because I fucking, I went to that Green Bay Packers Patriots Super Bowl. You know, Jesus Christ, I watched the fucking when the first year I watched the Red Sox was 1978 bucky dent. I still remember my mother's face in the kitchen. I came in and I was like, mom, is there another game tomorrow? She just looked over at me and didn't say anything. She just
Starting point is 00:12:03 shook her head, shook it. No. Oh, fuck. Anyways. Um, all right, enough of that. I don't even know what else to fucking talk about. Um, I got, uh, oh, you know what? I did the ice house this weekend. It was the first time it was great to see the bushes, by the way, because I know that they were in the fucking, uh, the hospital or whatever, regardless of your politics, guys, a war hero, you don't want to see somebody fucking, I mean, I guess you die at some point, right? You know, took a lot of balls from to go out there. You know, I wouldn't have done that. You know what I mean? I get to my, those fucking years, you fucking wheeling me around and shit. Hey, Bill, you want to throw the coin? You know, you want to fucking flip the coin at the beginning
Starting point is 00:12:48 of the Super Bowl? You want to fucking mind? I'm going to go out in public and throw a coin in a fountain. Don't people see me like this? Look at me, I'm on this blood pressure going through the fucking roof. Um, ah, fuck. Now the show in the highlight, you know, you know what I really officially thought the game was over was when we called that fucking trick play in Atlanta. It didn't even, they didn't even, they covered that too. And I'm just like, these guys are just fucking dialed in. Um, anyways, uh, yeah, so I did the ice house this weekend and, um, everything I talk about after this is going to fucking pale in comparison. The four Boston teams have won in, in this century, 10 fucking titles. Dude, rapper ports hilarious. He fucking text me before the game.
Starting point is 00:13:39 He goes, Hey, if you guys lose today, you know, I'm calling you and you better take my call. And I said, Oh yeah, I go, what if the Patriots win? Am I going to hear from you? And he said, no, I'll be a temple. So at halftime, I got my fucking head in the oven, muttering to myself, just walking around. I can't, I'm not watching the lady, God, God thing. I thought she did a great job, but I got, I got, I always get nervous when somebody's coming down on me. Somebody's coming down on those fucking wire things that basically look like crazy straws that you straightened out. I always feel like it, at some point, one of those things is going to snap and somebody's going to fall to their fucking death. You, you, there's no fucking gig
Starting point is 00:14:22 in the world worth doing that. The people who fucking do that, uh, the level of faith that they have, there's no fucking way I would do that. But anyways, so I'm out there muttering, muttering in the kitchen, trying to think what, how the fuck I'm going to graciously congratulate the Atlanta fountains, you know, and the amount of shit that I'm looking at my Twitter and all these fucking Atlanta fans. Where are you, Billy boy? Hey there freckles, you being all quiet. And I'm just muttering in the kitchen to myself, you know, was Lady Gaga's on in the bag with my poker face, right? Um, I guess my kid kept me calm. I just walked in as pissed as I was. I wasn't pissed. I was just fucking, I was, I was, I almost said deflated.
Starting point is 00:15:04 How funny is that? I was, yeah, I was just fucking, I was depressed. I was like, Oh my God, I mean, Jesus, it's one thing to lose, but you just get your fucking ass kicked. So I'm out there and, uh, I didn't know what the fuck I was thinking. What the fuck was I even talking about? You know what it is? I'm watching these goddamn highlights and I'm still trying to figure out how the fuck we came back. Um, all right, Bill, enough already are enough. We get it. Your team won a fucking Superbowl. So anyways, Oh yeah. What about that commercial during the Superbowl with that new fucking thing from Google, that little speaker in your house?
Starting point is 00:15:44 You sitting there talking to your kid, reading it a story and it's fucking looking over your shoulder. And then you just go, Hey Google, what noise does a whale make? And it's like and then you laugh with your daughter. Like at what point does the dad turn around like, Hey Google, are you fucking listening to all of this? You creep, right? People, please, for the love of fucking God, for the love of God, do not bring that thing into your house. Okay. That's the modern day version of bringing like, I don't know, vampire or whatever. I don't even know what it is. Why, why are people so fucking stupid when it comes to their own like privacy? That thing is just on. What is it doing? That's a listening. You're literally bugging your own house.
Starting point is 00:16:37 I don't know. I did the Joe Rogan podcast and he said the most depressing fucking thing. He said they're making like cameras the size of grains of sand and they're just going to spread them around like every fucking street. So I told him I'd walk down the street with like a leaf blower. They're just going to be everywhere. Everything's going to be filmed. And it's just like that big brother shit. And it's just that book. It's literally going to be, well, if you're not doing anything wrong, I don't know what happened, Billy, your team won a Super Bowl and now you're going to fucking depress everybody. Anyways, at the upside here, I went to, I went to the ice house this weekend. I did two shows and my special came out. People really seem to be liking it.
Starting point is 00:17:24 Thank God. Although, you know, I did get some shit. Anytime you talk politics, I got a lot of shit from Trump fans and Hillary fans. They always start with the, you know, that wasn't funny. What happened to you? Blah, blah, blah, blah. And I've been around long enough to know like, oh, okay. What was it? Was it the Trump fucking wall joke? Or was it the fucking Hillary's pure evil? Whatever the fuck I said. But anyways, I did two shows working out there with Joe Bartnick and Jimmy Burns. And I did an hour, both shows. I was surprised. I was really nervous because I thought with having my daughter and everything that like, you know, I hadn't been going out to the clubs and we waited so long for her to come and everything. I was just really
Starting point is 00:18:14 nervous about where my act was going to be. So here's the deal, everybody. I'm going to the comedy zone. I think it's already sold out in Charlotte. And I'm going to be working. I'm going to be doing some clubs here over the next month or so. Two months maybe. We'll figure it out once I get, literally get my act together. And I'm going to try to build up this new hour. But I was really psyched like, I don't know what happened. I went up there and I just got into a good flow and a bunch of shit that never said came out. And then there was a bunch of shit that I kind of just left behind that kind of came back and I never put it on a special. At least I hope I didn't. I always have a paranoia about that because once I do a special, once I've done editing, I never watch it again.
Starting point is 00:19:00 Like why the fuck would you sit there and watch a ship? But what happens is I end up forgetting what the fuck I did from special to special. So there's always that danger. I might fucking repeat something or grab a punchline from something else. You know, God knows I've made every fucking mistake there is to make as a comic. So I was very happy about that. And I want to thank everybody at the Ice House for letting me come out that way. And I don't know. Oh, and then we missed that fucking field goal and watching the highlights right now. I got to shut this off. I got to shut this off. This podcast is going to suck. Probably has already sucked for people from Atlanta. You know, I had no idea fucking Atlanta,
Starting point is 00:19:38 Atlanta only won one fucking title. It's entire sports existence. I thought the St. Louis Hawks. I thought they won a title. So you know what? I got to look that up because that's a great way to give fucking Laker fans shit. You know, the St. Louis Hawks actually won a fucking title. Okay. This is some Bill Simmons shit here. The St. Louis, I'm going to hit pause because I don't want you guys fucking sit here. Oh, it gives a shit. The St. Louis Hawks. Now if they fucking won a title, they won a fucking title and Atlanta doesn't count it. How the fuck the Los Angeles Laker fans count Minneapolis Lakers titles and that other title that they haven't that they won in like the NBL or some shit as an NBA title, uh, NBA, uh, St. Louis Hawks,
Starting point is 00:20:33 NBA title. I want to say they won one. 1958 team coach wins St. Louis Hawks. Well, I thought we beat the Hawks. I know the Celtics beat them because that was that trivia question. Last time St. Louis lost to Super Bowl, they lost to the Patriots. Last time they lost to Stanley Cup Final was to the Boston Bruins. Last time they lost to World Series was to the Boston Red Sox. Last time they lost to the an NBA title, the St. Louis Hawks lost to the, uh, to the Boston Celtics, but it says here in 1958, they won though. St. Louis Hawks, they won. Okay, so they won the 1958 fucking NBA finals. They won. All right. And fucking Atlanta doesn't count that.
Starting point is 00:21:31 Let me make sure I say this right. St. Louis wins Boston, St. Louis, Boston, St. Louis, St. Louis. Yeah, they won in six games. Hawks win series, six games. Atlanta doesn't count that title. See, that's why LA is the, they're the fucking worst with that shit. You know, having said that, I totally respect the Laker franchise, but nobody, nobody pads their fucking stats like them because it was this game the Celtics had, uh, I believe it was Friday night, we played the Lakers and they're rebuilding and everything. So it wasn't really like a Celtic Laker thing. Uh, it always sucks from the Celtics and Lakers play each other and we're not like, you know, if one team's good, the other sucks. It's, it's, it's no fun winning or losing those
Starting point is 00:22:08 games. It's just like, all right, whatever this team's rebuilding or we're rebuilding. But, um, so interestingly enough, at that point, all time, the most regular season wins, the Lakers and Celtics were tied after all the 60 fucking years, like 3,200 something wins a piece and whoever won that game night, that night would go up by one. You know what I mean? So basically we went ahead, they probably were ahead in the beginning of Minneapolis with George Miken and all those guys. We got ahead in the 60s and 70s. It was kind of a push in the 80s, but in the 90s in the, in the 2000s where we just had a rough time and they had, there was the Kobe era, Kobe shack and all those other fucking guys. Um, they must have caught up. I can't imagine how
Starting point is 00:22:55 many games they picked up on us during those times until, uh, you know, we took a page out of their book and bought a title in 2008. Um, so, uh, anyways, we played each other and, uh, and I remember they were showing the stats that always bugs me that they say that they have the Los Angeles Lakers have 16 titles. Even if you say the franchise, it just bugs the shit out of me. Really, Bill, does it really bug you when, when you're fucking team just want a Super Bowl? Yeah, I guess not really, not really. Anybody watch the fucking Bruins, uh, Maple Leafs game? I have all the sports packages at this point. I just sit here with, with my daughter on my chest and I just sit there and I watch the games while my wife sleeps downstairs. And when she cries,
Starting point is 00:23:38 I go downstairs and I just change the diaper. And if she keeps crying, that means she's hungry. It's really kind of easy the first three months and, um, it sucks having to get up every like hour and eight minutes, roughly at night, but I just, um, I don't know, I just go into this fucking mindset. She just bumps me and then I wake up and I just go, dad, I make a little joke and I get up and my fucking Achilles are so fucking tight. Like there's something happens when you get old and I stretch all the fucking time. I stretch all the fucking time and, um, I don't know if you guys, if you're an old fucking, maybe this is, I don't know if this is an old guy, an old white guy, an old red bald white guy thing, but I will lay on the fucking couch. I swear to God, I swear to God,
Starting point is 00:24:28 I lay on that couch. I will lay on a couch for like fucking 12 minutes. And if I go up, get up to go to the fucking refrigerator. It's like the first step I've taken in eight hours. I have to like literally stop, drives me up the wall. I don't know what, I don't know what it is. And I, and fucking no matter how much down dog stretch I do, it just doesn't seem to be, uh, working out. So if you have that fucking problem, here's a great stretch. Okay. This is some old guy's shit. Before I even get out of bed now, um, except now that I have a daughter, I just immediately jump up, um, because I don't want to do it. And I know if I, if I even contemplate, you know, laying there, I'm going to, I'm going to fall back asleep. So I have to immediately
Starting point is 00:25:12 jump up. But like what I used to do before being a dad, um, is, uh, I've just put your point your toes at your niece, just do that for like 10 seconds and then point them the other way for like 10 seconds and then do clockwise and counterclockwise. And then you can get out of bed. And for all you young cunts out there laughing at me right now, just remember this in 20 years. Okay. Cause you don't want to be that guy that blows out his fucking Achilles cause you're never the fucking same. All right. Unless you got Kobe Bryant money and you can go to Germany, right? And go see Peyton Manning's fucking doctor and they stick your fucking blood in a centrifuge, whatever those fucking leftover Nazis are doing over there, right?
Starting point is 00:25:59 They're all running around. Um, yeah, you're going to, uh, you're going to fucking pay the price. So I got to make sure I stay limba. Cause, um, who knows, I don't know when I haven't really done a lot of research about kids, even though I have one. Um, I know at some point they do start running around and, uh, you know, for the first like eight, nine years of your life, being a dad is a ground game. You know, you got to take it to the mat. So I got to make sure that I stay fucking limba, uh, the best I can cause I don't want to be that fucking, you know, I'm an old, I am an old dad, but I'm a fucking psycho. So that I will, I will energy my way through this. You know what I mean? You know what I'm going to be?
Starting point is 00:26:42 I'm going to be like Steve Grogan, my fatherhood. I'm going to be like fucking Steve Grogan during the neck brace years and I'm just going to tough it out. You know, remember when you would just stand there and this is back when you could hit a quarterback and you would just see this fucking guy running full speed and he would stand there until the last second and then he'd let it fly to Stanley Morgan and right as they started to follow the ball, you just see the beginning of the impact and Steve Grogan and the other guy would go flying out of the right side of your screen as they follow the ball to the left. That's going to be me as a fucking quarterback. I mean, as a, as a dad. So anyways, so at the road, I go to, you know, I'm going to Charlotte,
Starting point is 00:27:26 going to go to the comedy zone and doing a couple of shows out there. If I get there early night enough, I'm going to go to the Charlotte Hornets game and I'm closing in by the way and I'm going to Duke Carolina and I'm, you know, and I'm not smoking cigars because I got this fucking life insurance saying, I gotta tell you, I haven't smoked a cigar in like well over two months and I feel fucking, I feel good about it. You know, so I don't know. I might just keep going. Who knows? It can't be that smelly dad coming in smelling like, like I went to the track home. Oh, big fucking thing in my life. My wife might let me bring the fucking the game changer, you know, the flat top grill. We got it fucking downstairs in my backyard, right?
Starting point is 00:28:16 And so the kitchen's fucking upstairs that later, this house is completely fucked up, right? So I got to run up and down the fucking stairs, you know, it's a pain in the ass. So I finally, because I got to, I got rid of a ton of shit. I put my, my old Ludwig kit up for sale, the symbols, everything. It's the whole fucking John Bonham set up 1971 green sparkle Ludwig, all the pasty symbols, even the Rogers high hat that he had. I'm finally letting go of that, that fanboy era is done. You know, I had a lot of fun with that kit, but it's just fucking gigantic. And 26 inch bass drum. I don't want that. You know what I want? I want a, I want a 12, 14, 16, 22 kick. That's what the fuck I want. I never liked the sound of those symbols. I like the
Starting point is 00:29:11 hi hats, but I never liked the sound of his, the fucking ride. He could make it sound good. I couldn't. Um, so I've been getting into a bunch of other different sounds, all this shit that I always heard in my fucking head. I really just kind of came to this realization as someone who does that as a hobby that, uh, I don't know that I was, you're not really creating. You're just sort of recreating when you do shit like that. Like you get so into a musician that you want to buy all the shit, the exact shit that they had. And then what? It's fucking, it's just, I don't know, there was just, I just kept picturing John Bonham coming back to life and for whatever reason, walking into my house. And then I go, Oh my God, John Bonham. Hey, you're like Jesus, but you're
Starting point is 00:29:59 a drummer. Come on in. Hey, by the way, you know, I'm a huge fan of yours. Yeah. Come on, check out my drum kit. And he would walk in and see his exact drum kit right down to the Rogers hi hat. And then he would get like that fucking, uh, I was joking with a buddy of mine today, over text, he would have get that single white female vibe from me and he would just slowly back out of the room like, Oh yeah, yeah, that's great. Just fucking leave. So, um, I don't know, I'm going to go out. I'm trying out all the kits. I heard that Gretch broadcaster with the three ply is fucking, you know, has a great sound, DW, obviously, amazing drums. I grew up, everybody that I watched used to play the Tamas, the Tama, however the fuck you say it,
Starting point is 00:30:42 Pearl, uh, the Ludwigs, um, you know, it's funny. I, Phil Rudd always played Sonar or whatever. And, uh, the great Benny Grebb plays those, but they, they don't fucking, nobody has them. They're like these amazing fucking drums. They're super expensive. And I've never seen, I've never seen them, um, you know, not that I go to guitar center anymore. You know, I go, there's, there's a place out here called, uh, uh, professional drum shop. And they, they got some great shit out there. Plus it's more, you know, they're like a legendary place. You know, dude, I went in there. I know this is all drum shit, but I ran to a drummer recently. He goes, talk more drums, man. So all right, fuck it. I talked enough sports here, right? Oh, I didn't talk about, you see
Starting point is 00:31:24 McQuade's fight. He fought this guy. I think the guy's last name is Smith. Um, oh my God, they had a great fight. It was an old school haymaker thing. And, um, McQuade got the best of him in the end, just two fucking tough guys, but, um, McQuade got the last shot in and the guy kind of went down. But I mean, the guy took a bunch of shots, but of course Maple Leaf fans were all like, Oh, McQuade's wearing a shield. What a fucking pussy. Right? I love what people say. No matter, no matter how convincing your guy wins the fight, there's always a fucking excuse. But then my wife goes, yeah, cause I was reading the comments. I go, this is fucking unreal. Cause I'm sitting there going like, well, why didn't Smith just punch McQuade's fucking helmet off the way
Starting point is 00:32:06 McQuade did to him? There was always that option, right? Um, but when I brought it up that the Leaf fans were bitching that McQuade had on a visor, my wife goes, yeah, I was going to ask you about that. And I was just like, yeah, all right. He's got on half a welder's mask. Maybe, you know, throw an uppercut, improvise, you know, over and under. Most shots go to the side of the helmet. Anyways, right? I'm old enough to remember when guys who didn't wear helmets fought guys who had helmets. And then that was the pussy move. And now I guess the pussy move is, you know, you can keep your fucking helmet on. If somebody else is cutting up their fucking hand, punching the plastic, but if you have a visor, then you're a pussy. I don't get it. All I know is McQuade's one of the
Starting point is 00:32:50 best fighters, one of the toughest guys in the league. And it was a great fucking fight. And that game, even though we lost, was unbelievable. Was it six to five or something like that? Five to four? I can't even remember. Bruins and Leafs always have great games, really have great games. And, you know, even though we, I think we lost the last two, we won three in a row, but the Bruins are playing way better, way better. And they're playing like the Bruins again, you know, and I think we're actually up to like the seventh seed. So all the fucking bellyache and then I'm doing, I should have just kept my fucking mouth shut because who knows, you know, now people write articles, are they peaking too early? So anyways, the drum talk, getting back to the drum shit.
Starting point is 00:33:32 Yeah, ran into somebody saying, Oh, you know, you should fucking talk more about that drum stuff. So that's basically what I want to do. And then I want to get like, just to, I can't even like I'm trying to explain the sound to a buddy of mine that I'm looking for with symbols, but I'm going to try all of them out. Sabians, vinyl, I love the sound of those things. At least, you know what's weird is you see the professional guys play them and they make them sound so fucking good. And then you buy the exact one and then you're like, that doesn't sound the way it's starting when he did it. That's cause you're a comedian. So, uh, yeah, so I'm going to sell that kit and then the money I get from that I'm going to the game plan is to buy that a new kit brand
Starting point is 00:34:18 fucking new, no more of this fucking old shit trying to figure stuff out. Oh, that was going to say about that pro drum shop place. This is how fucking great that place is. I had a snare stand and, um, one of the, you know, the thing you screw into to hold it in the place, whatever the fuck you call it, what you call that a nut. I have no idea. All I know is it got stripped and it didn't, it didn't work anymore. Now, if you ever went to guitar center, they'd be like, oh, you know, you got to buy a new one. I walked into there and the guy just takes it and he went in the back. He fucking machine the thing. So it worked again. He goes, there you go. I was like, how much? He's like, I know it's three bucks, four bucks. That doesn't exist anymore. You know what that still
Starting point is 00:35:03 exists straight across the board in one industry is when you go to a cobbler, you go into a fucking shoe store, those guys, they don't give a shit. They're in there with all those chemicals. They don't even know what fucking year it is. You ever try to go into a shoe store where they actually repair shoes, a cobbler, I guess seems weird to use that word, but I think that's what it is, right? Um, the modern day blacksmith, a cobbler, and you go in there. You can't even fucking breathe. You got to do that thing where you're trying to pinch your nostrils together as you talk to them. Yeah. Can you like, can you fix this belt? Can you put some more soles on these and the guys like, all right, we never used to, they never take like, it's always like cash.
Starting point is 00:35:43 They're like writing out a receipt. You can't read any of their fucking writing. I don't know. There's one of those, you know, something that's like a great place for like one of those fucking Harry Potter type of movies to start like a new franchise. Something about when you go to a cobbler, it's like stepping back into time and there'd be some old weird guy, maybe played by Billy Crystal. They put some prosthetics on his nose or some shit. Then you do that one time with that guy, that guy from the Washington bullets, Murison. Didn't they do a movie together? I don't know what the fuck it was. I mean, one of those Ebenezer, Scrooge fucking movies. But anyways, you go into the cobbler and there's
Starting point is 00:36:20 some sort of back room area. I love pitching out ideas for movies because I'm never going to, I'm not going to fucking write one. I'm not going through that fucking axe grinder or that fucking whore. Why would you do that to yourself? You know what I mean? If you can travel the country telling shit and dick jokes, why on fucking earth would you walk into that fucking heartbreaking of a fucking arena? So I'm just, any movie idea I have, I'm just throwing out there and I hope somebody fucking writes it and makes it. I hope you make a fucking billion dollars. I don't give a shit. You know why? Because the Patriots just won their fifth fucking Super Bowl. And Tom Brady's the greatest quarterback of all time. You can say it,
Starting point is 00:37:03 now five fucking rinks. Oh God. Jesus Christ. Do you know how sad? Do you know how he's fucking sad people there are right now? And I don't just mean in Atlanta. I just mean Patriot haters in general. Because the Patriots have been so fucking successful and they've been so fucking vilified, you know, for the shit that they do that everybody else fucking does, right? They fucking, that literally watching them lose gives other people hope. You know, gives you hope that you can call up your cable company, dispute the bill and get some money off of it, right? It gives you hope that you can fucking, you know, elect a politician and they're gonna fucking not sell out to the corporations. You know what I mean? That's what the Patriots
Starting point is 00:37:54 are because that's their level of fucking success. There's gonna be a lot of slumped shoulders going to work tomorrow. Or maybe right now, maybe you're one of those people, maybe you're driving in your car right now and your shoulders are so slumped, you're not even using your hands to fucking steer. You just got your shoulders fucking wrapped around it, chest all fucking caved in as the thrill ride says, right? Maybe one of those people. Well, you know what I say? Fucking grow up, right? Just a goddamn game. I would have taken the loss. I was already ready. I already, I was sitting there right in my fucking concession speech. You know, I'm fucking believable. Anyways, all right, let's get out of this fucking vortex here.
Starting point is 00:38:41 I don't know if I got the advertising yet for this week. Oh yeah. So the game plans, I'm gonna buy that fucking kit and then I'm gonna find some rehearsal space somewhere nearby, some fucking place for a couple hundred bucks a month and I'm gonna fucking put it in there. All right. And whenever I can, that's gonna be my fucking man cave. All right. Because you know what the fuck happens. You know what I mean? You have a kid, you married, you know, gradually, all of your shit just starts fucking disappeared. Okay. My wife can't fucking wait. She couldn't fucking, you know, she's happy. I like the drums, but no fucking woman wants a fucking 26 inch bass drum in a fucking travel case. Like I'm on the fucking road with the rolling
Starting point is 00:39:25 stones and another fucking Ford drum stacked up on top of that, you know, in front of the bed in the guest room. Nobody fucking wants it. Well, they don't want that. So I don't know. But you know what? I got to give this to her. She never told me to sell the fucking thing. All I know is when I told her that I was selling it, I saw the excitement in her eye and then I tested her and I said, yeah, but then I'm going to go buy another one and it's going to live right there. And then she just stared at me and I just started laughing. I'm trying not to be a dick though now that I, you know, our dynamic has changed. You know, like I'm going to put my truck in fucking storage and I'll drive it on the weekends.
Starting point is 00:40:08 I know there's a lot of married guys right now going, ah, you're never going to drive it and then you're going to fucking sell it. I actually thought about selling it too. You know, just this whole fucking streamlining line in my life, getting my fucking shit down. But I can't fucking do it. I just, when I drive that truck, this stupid smile on my fucking face, it's just, I can't do it. Can't fucking do it. So I'm just going to put it in storage and I'll eat that fucking money. I hate being the storage guy. I got stuff in storage. Yeah, people who have stuff in storage are just too lazy to have a fucking yard sale. You know what I mean? Just fucking sell it. Sell it. How long has it been there?
Starting point is 00:40:54 What? You know what's funny? Just hanging onto those fucking memories. I'm telling you, dude, it's a fucking disease and I got it. I got it bad. I'm a sentimental fool. I got to get rid of all of that shit. I never look at it. It just becomes another box in the fucking attic. You know, then you fucking die someday and then somebody's looking through it and there's all this weird shit in there that you kept some menu from fucking Tulsa, Oklahoma for whatever. What the fuck is it? And then, you know, he just given these people this big job that they got to go and throw their shit out. Oh, is this sonar fucking? Is this their website? Oh, that's them in Nam, the Nam show where all the shredders go.
Starting point is 00:41:43 See here. You know, I was in Sam Ash the other day, right? And I wanted to see if they had it. What the fuck? Oh, I know why I went there. I actually can't say why I went there. I won't get caught. I just had all these extra drumsticks and I had all this shit that I was getting rid of that I just don't fucking use. And I'm like, what am I going to do with this stuff? I can't sell old drumsticks on a fucking on eBay or some shit. So what I did was I just bundled them all together and just left them in their parking lot. You know, some kids going to walk in there and be like, holy shit. I got, I got, you know, I had like 40 pairs of fucking all these different drumsticks over the years. I just bundled them all and just stuck them there like a fucking cowbell. A couple
Starting point is 00:42:25 of the things. So at that point, I'm like, all right, I got kind of was feeling guilty. So I went into Sam Ash. I was like, I don't buy a fucking pair of drumsticks. And there was some kid in there just doing that fucking drumming where he's amazing. But all the whole fucking thing, it's just one fill after another. Those fucking linear 30 second note fucking fills played nine million miles an hour every fucking after what it just all sounds the same. For fucking like, I almost started laughing because the kid was amazing. But after a while it's just like, dude, you sound like you're fucking, you sound like you fucking snorted a couple of eight balls. Jesus Christ. Maybe I'm just getting old. I was like, how I put a little air in
Starting point is 00:43:20 there. You know, the old guy who can't play as good as a young kid. He's jealous of his chops. But Jesus Christ. The Leise presents Kokme with your My The Leise app. It's from now on. The recipe is delicious, easy and cheap. For those of you who are into something else, try it or keep it from classics. Oh yeah, there was a spaghetti bolognese with delicious veal. Download the My The Leise app and Kokme. Yes, great. The Leise. Live with it. All right, what am I doing here? I'm trying to find the fucking um, here we go. The live reads. Oh shit. Here we go. Sherries, berries. There's no one like your Valentine this year. Treat them to an unforgettable gift. That's as unique as they are. Dude, chocolate covered strawberries is pretty pedestrian, isn't it? Yeah, you're really fucking
Starting point is 00:44:13 unique. Here's uh, here's a fucking, here's a matzah cracker with a little butter on it. Well, fuck yeah, it's delicious. It's the timeless classic. What you're saying is there a timeless classic? Well, I think in a way, or maybe you're saying they're old. Is this an old people gift? All right, a gift from Sherries, berries, shows, shows her you put thought into finding the perfect gift. Why can't, why can't the women buy guys chocolate covered strawberries? Is this, is this read sexist? All right, here we go. Freshly dipped strawberries from Sherries, berries, starting at just $19.99 plus shipping or double the berries for just $10 more. Just go to berries.com, B E R R I E S dot com and use my code burr help support our show by supporting our
Starting point is 00:44:58 sponsors. Use my code burr surprise or at the office slash works workplace. What are you gonna throw at her? Her coworkers are sure to be just a little jealous. Yeah, just a little. Oh, chocolate strawberries. Oh Jesus. Somebody got a hand job last night and she'll be overjoyed. I'm joking. These things are fucking delicious. All right, choose a gift from Sherries, berries, incredible collection of gifts. Your gift will be perfectly packaged in a gift box with all the details taken care of. Sherries, berries will deliver your gift fresh and on time, guaranteed or your money back with Valentine's Day right around the corner. There's only one way to get Sherries, berries, starting at $19.99. Why do they, why do they write all that bullshit? Who's fucking kidding? Who?
Starting point is 00:45:44 You're a guy. You got to get her something. You don't want to fucking do it. Just get her, just, just get her this or get her something else and get her this pad the fucking thing like the Lakers with their championships at this one. This is your NBL fucking title. You're throwing 20 bucks, chocolate covered strawberries. You know what I mean? So you got the gift and then you give her some shit. You know, it's got sugar in it. It'll make her fucking, give her a little rush, right? It's a joke. Just visit berries.com, B-E-R-R-I-E-S.com. Click on the microphone in the top right hand corner and type in Burr. That's berries.com and use my code Burr. Help support our show by supporting our sponsors.
Starting point is 00:46:26 Use my code. Oh, the classics, the classics. Here I don't vote, vote, vote. Me undies, me undies, the greatest of all fucking time. But do, do, do, me undies, me undies, all your cunts have to whine. When you say Brady's the best, he probably got velvet balls too, so he doesn't need me undies. Who gives a fuck? He's got a ring for every finger on his right hand. All right, this Valentine's Day. Give a gift that they can unwrap again and again, matching underwear from me undies. Valentine's Day is near and it's go, and it's go time for thoughtful gift hunting. Me undies has you covered with limited edition matching pairs of undies for you and yours. This is such an odd gift. This should like come with like a sex swing or
Starting point is 00:47:12 something. Has Valentine's Day got you stumped? Forget the cliches and give the gift that looks great and feels great and will make everyone happy. Me undies, fancy dinners and chocolate last a night, shots fired, flowers last a week, incoming this year. Give the gift of looking great and feeling great every day with the world's most comfortable underwear. Heads up, Valentine's Day is February 14th. It's February 6th, guys. You got fucking, I always got to say guys, right? Because women, you don't have to fucking do anything. What do you got to do, huh? Fucking push your tits together and throw a little perfume down the middle. What else do you got to do? Put on a thong. All right, Valentine's Day is, it's 14. Don't panic.
Starting point is 00:47:52 Get your heart, get your heart on and show some love with me undies, matching undies. Please include all of the falling points during your read. All right, of course I will. Me undies are the perfect gift for you and you're Valentine this holiday. They're unbelievably soft and come in limited edition prints. We've got all this. I'm not reading all this shit. Okay, this is the deal. Okay, they got fucking underwear. It matches. It's, it's cute. You know, remember back in the day when people had like a fucking answering machine and they would do it together like, hello, this is the Johnson's and together we're happy. You know, they did a lot of fucking horseshit. This is the underwear version of that. All right, me undies has special limited edition
Starting point is 00:48:30 Valentine's undies, which means you and your Valentine's can match. And yeah, it's as cute as it sounds slash creepy. And if for some reason you and me undies aren't a perfect match, they'll give you your money back and let you keep the first pair. There's no refund on a bad fancy dinner. All right, they offer free shipping. And for a limited time listeners to the station get 20% off the first order, but you have to go to me undies.com slash burr with me undies. Me, UN, D I E S better day guarantee you have nothing to lose. So don't wait any longer. Go to me undies.com slash burr right now for 20% off your first order. That's me undies.com slash burr. All right. What do we got left? Two more, two more hang in there, hang in there. Pro flowers.
Starting point is 00:49:14 Aren't you tired of guessing what she wants for Valentine's Day? Maybe you're a little sick of her. What are you doing in that relationship? Huh? Why the fuck would you waste your time getting flowers? But maybe you still love her when you love an easy failproof way to look like a pro. This year, pro flowers is making it easier than ever by taking all the guests work out on top of their already low prices. Right now you can get two dozen assorted roses with a free glass case for $29.99 plus shipping and handling or upgrade. And for $9.99 more, you can get two dozen long stem assorted roses with premium vase and chocolate. Just go to proflowers.com use my or upgrade even more.
Starting point is 00:50:01 And have a jiggalo delivered. Then just fuck your wife while you watch the replay of the Patriots game. Come on, man. You can bang your wife whenever you want to. When are you going to watch a man with his fifth fucking Super Bowl ring as a quarterback? I'm sorry. Shouldn't have said that. Just go to proflowers.com and use my code burr. Help support our show by supporting our sponsors. Use my code burr, B-U-R-R. Pick your flowers and then check out in two minutes. I've done this before. I did it for my mother. I did it on mother's day. It was easy as hell. You just go there, bang, bang, boom, zipping you down and then they're going, oh my God, you shut the half. And you never left your desk. You can literally put down your Game Boy,
Starting point is 00:50:41 knock this out in fucking two minutes and go right back to talking shit online. All right. You can't beat the pricing convenience. Proflowers takes care of the details. You can just sit back and look awesome. When I send flowers, I trust proflowers to get it right. Here's the only, yeah, that's my quarterback. My quarterback pro flowers. Here's the only way to get two dozen of sorted roses with free glass vase starting at 29.99. Just go to proflowers.com and use my code burr. Help support our show by supporting our sponsors. Use my code burr. That's proflowers.com. Click on the microphone and type in my code burr. Don't wait. Order today. This deal expires soon. And finally, lastly, but not leastly,
Starting point is 00:51:23 Dollar Shave Club, everybody. Dollar Shave Club always gives you a close smooth shave and you can't beat the convenience or the price. You don't have to choose between settling for a cheap bag of disposables or praying out the nose for a razor with a laser pointer and 17 blades. It's awful. Then Dollar Shave Club broke onto the scene with the smarter choice. Before Dollar Shave Club, there was no middle ground. There was the haves and the have nots. It was either save money and get a painful shave from a disposable like the ones that you get for free at a gym, which felt like shaving with a piece of glass or pay a fortune for the latest shave breakthrough in quotes you didn't need like a laser chin detector or 17 more blades.
Starting point is 00:52:04 It was fucking stupid. Dollar Shave Club is the best of both worlds. You get a premium shave quality at disposable shave prices. If you haven't tried Dollar Shave Club yet, you're missing out. I don't know what the fuck you're waiting for. It's an amazing shave and an affordable price. Don't just sit there with a dumb look on your face. Go to dollarshaveclub.com slash burr. There's no smarter choice on the market. And right now they're giving away a one month trial of any of their razors for only a dollar with free shipping. And after that, it's just a few bucks a month. There's no long term commitments, no hidden fees, and you can cancel whenever you want. Get your one dollar trial at dollarshaveclub.com slash burr. That's dollarshaveclub.com slash
Starting point is 00:52:49 burr. All right. There you go. Okay, that's done. Let's all go to the lobby. Ba-ba-ba-da-da boo boo. All right, let's read some of these fucking things. Hey, did I call it a what? I said it was going to be a classic. Although I don't know if I can, it's a classic for one side. I thought it was going to be a classic for both sides. But all right, enough, Bill. Okay, the fucking Atlanta fans have suffered enough. Okay, let's just fucking get through this. Okay. All right, first football game watched from Sweden. Bill Birdie, being from Sweden, saying that football isn't big here as an understatement. I don't know how they talk over there, but that's actually a Swedish accent, isn't it? I have no idea. But I've been listening to your podcast for a couple years now and you're
Starting point is 00:53:40 rambling over NFL have made me interested. Oh, look at them. Maybe you just got me a job at the NFL. You know, maybe I could be on one of your little Google things in your room. As you fucking talking in whatever the hell you guys speak over there, rising, rising, rising. That's what it always sounds like to me. I can't imagine what I sound like to you. Probably a fucking asshole. All right, I finally sat down and watched a game and it was the Super Bowl that just ended. And what a game I'm sold. Jesus Christ, when the fuck did this guy send this in? I love hockey mostly, but I found a new game to love. Tom Brady, best QB ever says the Swedish commentators. I have no clue, but I believe them, I guess. Thanks for getting me into the game. Better late than
Starting point is 00:54:20 never. People who could speak a second language, that's fucking amazing. Sorry for the bad English grammar. Dude, you did the fucking Boston accent perfectly in a second language. He says it's early and I'm tired. All the best to you, Nia and the newborn baby girl. Love the special. Looking forward to season two is efforts for family. You know what's funny? I was just thinking, I got to get over there. I missed you guys on the last tour. I didn't do the Norway, the Oslo, Stockholm, Helsinki run. I got to make sure I do that at some point. But anyway, Jesus Christ, dude, I don't want to rain on your parade, but most football games are not that exciting. You know how boring the first half was? Well, I guess for me, it was depressing.
Starting point is 00:55:04 I guess it was exciting for Atlanta fans. Oh God, I can't, you know, I had a buddy of mine. Actually, he recently passed away with socks, but he told me this fucking story when the Red Sox had like two outs in 1986 against the Mets. He had the wire off his champagne bottle and he had to put it back on after they lost. Hey, maybe this will be for Atlanta fans. This will be cathartic for you. If you want to share your, uh, I thought we were going to win stories and then I had to put the fucking wire back on the champagne bottle. I'll read them next week. Or anybody out there, if you have those, we're going to fucking win. And then you lose the fucking game. I got a bunch of them. I can share with you.
Starting point is 00:56:02 I got a bunch of those. I got a bunch of those. Those could be fucking really fuzz of fucking always hilarious. It's, that's comedy, man. So when, if it works out, there's no comedy. It's like when, when you fight, like if the Patriots fucking got their asses kicked, that would have been, that would have been, I already knew I was going, we just got our asses whipped. I had the whole fucking thing worked out. Instead I came on Gush in here. Like I just won the fucking Publishers Clearinghouse. I cannot fucking believe they came back and won that game. That is, I've, I've, I've fucking stunned. Can't, cannot fucking believe that. All right. British dentistry. Hey Bill, I remember hearing that you used to be a dentist before your standup career took off.
Starting point is 00:56:48 So I have a dental question for you. I was not a dentist, but I'd love that you put that out there and then I'll probably end up on my Wikipedia page. I don't know why we British don't take dental care seriously. I have pretty decent teeth for a British person, probably in the top 15% of people, British people, that is. I always brush twice a day unless I get drunk and forget sometimes after going out drinking. But I noticed that when I was in America, my teeth were shit. What the fuck are you lot over there in the land of McDonald's and Coca-Cola doing to keep your teeth so clean? Is there toothpaste in the water supply? Well, there was fluoride. Sometimes they put in too much and people got those white spots in their teeth. Seriously, do you, do you,
Starting point is 00:57:36 do you lot live at the dentist? A lot, meaning all you guys, even the working class over in America seemed to have good teeth. Yeah, we do. Well, I mean, braces are a big thing over here. I don't know if you guys have those over there yet. Those are a big thing. People also can get, get like their teeth bleached. Caps are a lot better than they used to be. Yeah, but at the end of the day, dude, you got to brush your teeth after you eat. And there's certain things like drinking coffee. I guess your tea over there would probably stain the shit out of them. I'll tell you one that's fucking brutal, red wine. Red, red wine. Red, make your teeth gray. Yeah, just brush in floss. You know, I got this life insurance
Starting point is 00:58:27 test coming up because I'm getting my affairs in order now that I got a kid. They told me, they said, have you been to the dentist? And I said, yes. And I said, was there any gum disease? And I said, no. And they said, that's good. I said, oh, I go, they're worried about my teeth falling out. And they said, no, gum disease can be a sign of something wrong with your heart. I was like, what? I never heard, I never heard that. Never heard that. I know if you had fucked up teeth that usually and led to you not chewing your food as well, which led to stomach problems and then problems with your intestine and then down to your ash. It's all fucking connected. But I'd never heard of that. So anyways, he said,
Starting point is 00:59:07 put in perspective how bad some British people are with dental hygiene. I know someone who would only brush their teeth once or twice a week. I had to buy them an electric toothbrush as a not so subtle hint that not brushing your teeth is fucking disgusting. I guess there's a lot of truth to stereotypes. PSL be amazed if you actually managed to read this without stuttering you illiterate fuck. You know, something if that whole fucking thing was just to get that joke and that was an absolute masterpiece, you know, if you actually just pick that subject, British dentistry just to fool us so we would actually read it. And was all self deprecating just the end just to call me a fucking illiterate fuck, the stuttering illiterate fuck is great. That was tremendous.
Starting point is 01:00:00 I don't even know if you're serious anymore. But yeah, that's listen, I when I worked in a dental office, all I did was just hand the shit. I was an assistant. I was certified to take x-rays. I wasn't a hygienist. I wasn't any of that other shit. So anyways, yeah, that was one of my first jokes. This guy came in and guy was like, you know, I don't stand what's wrong with my teeth. I mean, I brush my teeth almost every day. And my joke was, Oh, really? Did you wipe your ass almost every time you take a shit? I mean, come on, people. Is this thing on? It's one of my first jokes, everybody. That was a what are they called throwback Thursday. Actress paying alimony. If you just brush your fucking teeth, I think you'll be fine.
Starting point is 01:00:44 You know, and especially before you go to bed to just like go out drinking and doing all that shit and then just go to bed and just let that shit just get in. It's gross. It's fucking gross. You should brush floss and you should use mouthwash, you know, and then you should find a fucking woman that does the same thing. And that's the person you should be kissing over there. Everybody else. I don't know. Jesus Christ. Oh my God, that's fucking gross. Anyways, actress paying alimony. Bill, wondering if you saw this, a fairly famous actress has been paying her unemployed husband, alimony, and she's complaining that he hasn't tried to get a job. She's paying him 20 grand a month. Does that make him a bum? Is this like a trick question?
Starting point is 01:01:30 If I had a son that ever fucking did that, I would disown him. That's fucking unbelievable. I've seen that, you know, that that does happen. One of the, all right, here we go. Let's let me read this thing here. According to a court document, so-and-so has paid over a half a million dollars to her former spouse since 2015. These funds include around 150,000 in such and such residuals. I'm not going to say who the fuck this is. I hate putting people's dirty laundry out there, even though it's already out here. She gave birth to their daughter in March of last year. This person alleges that the other guy cheated on him with the, oh, he's saying that she cheated on him with her co-star,
Starting point is 01:02:24 a point of contention in the divorce. The divorce has since been finalized. The terms of support have not, hence the temporary agreement where she has to pay this dude over 20 grand monthly. Well, even if they do get divorced, if she's out here in California, she's going to get fucked. According to documents, so-and-so is requested to be able to stop sending the guy those payments, saying that the guy has made no effort to get a job of his own and is living off of her. Yeah, man. I mean, that's when you just start thinking murderous thoughts. You know, I think that's you know, it's bad enough when a fucking woman does it. I mean, I'm really doing like a double standard here. But yeah, dude, I mean, you're not a fucking man if you do something like that.
Starting point is 01:03:14 And if you're a woman and you don't try to get a job, you're a piece of shit. But you know what? I know that you don't give a fuck. So, you know, women don't give a shit. They actually get off of the fact that you fucking, you know, am I really going to turn this around to slamming women? Am I really going to figure out how to do that when this a woman, the woman's a victim in this bill? Okay. Yeah, that's complete bullshit. It's complete bullshit. I straight across the board think that's fucked up. All right. Now, okay, if she's a fucking drug addict and he has to stay at home the entire time to watch their kid, I mean, they just had their kid. That is actually his job. That I understand. You know what I mean?
Starting point is 01:03:55 Oh, God, there for the grace of God, go I holy shit. I just don't understand how it gets to that. You know what I mean? How do you get to that point where you're with somebody, you have a fucking kid, I'm probably jinxing myself, you have a kid together. And then it like, you decided to make another person together and within a fucking two years of that, you're getting to like Jesus Christ. One thing if they had a one night stand, but they were already married, that's fucking nuts. All right. Who knows? Maybe the guy went nuts. Maybe she did fuck around them. I don't know. All right. Coaching daughters, sports teams, coaching, well, that's supposed to be an apostrophe
Starting point is 01:04:39 there. Coaching daughters, sports team. All right. Congrats on not pulling out. Haha. No, thank you. I was wondering if you will coach any of your daughter's sports teams when she gets older. What sports would you like to see her grow up to play? Congratulations to you and Nia, and thank you for another great special. Oh, you're welcome. I'm glad you enjoyed it. Would I do that? I don't know. I don't want to insert myself into my daughter's life like that. I'd like her to have to learn how to deal with another adult, especially if she doesn't like him and learn how to fucking, you know, deal with a coach that's a little hard nose or whatever, you know? I mean, I'm not going to be one of those people that, you know, play my fucking kid.
Starting point is 01:05:28 If my kid stinks, I'm not going to fucking make him play my kid. Right? I'm not going to be that. I just, all of that shit, I don't understand any of that. And if your coach is fucking hard nosed and your kid comes home crying about it, it's a little tough in the fuck up. Learn how to deal. You think this is the first asshole you're ever going to fucking run into in life? It's not, you know, you know what? Work twice as hard. Make that fucking guy regret that he ever yelled at you or that woman. That's what you do. You just, you just go fucking harder. That's what you do. What you don't do is fucking mope around about it and try less. All right? If your motivation, even if your motivation is fuck this guy, you know, you're going to play better,
Starting point is 01:06:17 but you got to use that negative shit and turn it into a positive. And I'm a big believer in playing organized sports. And organized sports has gotten a brutal reputation over the years. Some of it is justified. A lot of it wasn't. A lot of it was a bunch of uncoordinated people who did not have a good fucking experience and then married someone else who was also uncoordinated and then watch their toddler growing up, bumping into shit and was like, oh my god, they're going to suck at sports too. And they're going to have the same pain that I had, right? And then rather than steering them away from sports and going, Hey, maybe you're a writer or maybe you're into science. These fucking uncoordinated cunts had to stick them in sports.
Starting point is 01:07:16 And then they had to dumb the whole thing down where everybody gets a ribbon. I had a buddy of mine recently said, Oh, is it somebody doing a joke? I can't say it if it was a joke. Who the fuck told me this story was was. No, it was somebody's bit. I can't do it. Fuck. It had to do basically with playing a little kids playing softball. And when they first played, they played without the ball and they pretended that they hit the fucking thing. So nobody would have the pressure of making an error. And they could be like, nice catch way to go and all of that shit. It's fucking insane. No, I'm not going to do that. And fortunately, my wife is on the same page. And
Starting point is 01:08:03 uh, I told you that somebody sent us some, uh, Boston, you know, sports shirts and they were, they were, you know, with the logos of the teams and they were in pink. And my wife was just going like, yeah, she's not wearing those. I'm like, what? Cause you hate sports. And she goes, no, cause they're pink. She goes, if she's going to wear the team stuff, she's, she's wearing the team colors. I think I already told you this guy, there was like, do you have any fucking idea how much real sports fans would appreciate what you just said? You don't even like sports. You have no fucking idea. You just, you just like, you stepped in shit there. That's like the, uh, the, that's exactly it. Um, anyway, I don't have no fucking idea. So will I coach? Um,
Starting point is 01:08:45 no, I wouldn't do that. You know what? If I was ever to coach, I would be, uh, I think I would be an assistant coach. I'd be the Ra Ra guy. If they were little and shit this, like, I couldn't fucking sit there yelling at kids. Um, and also I don't think I know enough about the fucking game. I've watched a bunch of sports, but to actually coach a team and teach somebody how to get better. I mean, I think I'd be, I'll be a good dad. If she wants to be, go in the backyard, learn how to hit a ball or shoot some baskets. I think I'm good at that. But like, you know, that's a hell of a responsibility. And I'm, I have a very volatile personality and I just, I don't want to be the Earl Weaver or a fucking eight year olds out there screaming
Starting point is 01:09:25 and yelling, but we'll see. We'll see how the meditating and possibly going to therapy works out. But, um, I'm more excited just to see what she gravitates to. I'm going to expose her to as much music and different shit as I possibly can, and then just sort of stand back, see what she goes after, and then just encourage her. And if it's like a fay, if it's a phase, it's a phase. And then she moves on to something else, but my parents were really cool about kind of letting us do, um, you know, whatever the fuck we wanted to do, uh, as far as trying shit in life, like my parents have never gave me shit about being a stand up comedian. And, um, that's pretty, uh, when I, you know, the amount of comics that I've run into where to this day, like they're super successful
Starting point is 01:10:13 and their parents still don't even respect what they do, thinking that they're just up there fucking around. Um, it's pretty amazing. So I got really lucky in that department. So that's one of the good things that I'm keeping from my, uh, my upbringing. So long story short, um, no, but I will go to every fucking game. I'll go to every game and I'm not going to argue with other parents. And, uh, if the, if the fucking referee stinks and is screwing my team, I'm just going to sit there and just, you know, I'm, I'm just not going to be that fucking guy. I'm going to make jokes and I'm going to be laughing, but, uh, you know what the big thing is is when I go to her games, I'm going to be sober. So that's going to really tone down.
Starting point is 01:10:59 It's when I go to games that I've had a few, I can't resist. There's a crowd, there's jokes to be made even way back in the day when I was fucking, you know, way more introverted. I had a couple of beers and I would be in Sullivan stadium and I would yell out shit and people in my section would laugh and I would just build my confidence and suck some game teams. I would yell out the first thing that would bomb and then I wouldn't say anything again until the third quarter and then I'd throw it up and only have like, you know, 50% confidence. So it only did okay. And, and it'd be like my literally my bad set back then, like bombing was I went to a game and I yelled out some shit and, uh, nobody laughed, but I don't know.
Starting point is 01:11:43 It's not the way it used to be because everybody's so concerned about kids and, and political correctness and fucking public drunkenness and shit. But back in the day, like what was going on in the field was, was about half as entertaining as what was going on in the stands. It was just, and it was all just sophomore, stupid. I remember sitting, we had like, and not end zone seats. We were sitting right at the corner, um, you know, like past the goal line, we're basically sitting like facing the end zone. And then there was the end zone seats and they used to have this beer commercial, uh, light beer from Miller and they used to have the big fights, less filling, taste great, less filling, taste like they were having a fight, you know, over, over, if it didn't
Starting point is 01:12:31 fill you up as much or if it tasted better. So that became like this stupid thing that people did. You'd be at a, someone figured out one time, stood up and yelled at the other section, said less filling and someone else stood up and screamed, taste great. And then we'd all be yelling like, oh, we're doing the commercial. This is before YouTube. So this was actually fun. So there'd be one section called less filling. And then we go, taste great, less filling, taste great. And of course, because it was a bunch of drunks, drunk males, it immediately went sophomore and it eventually became, fuck you. Hey, shit. Fuck you. Hey, shit. And we would do that 20 times a game and it would be just as funny the 20th time as it was the first time.
Starting point is 01:13:15 Cause we were all a bunch of immature fucking idiots. I missed those days. You know, I really fucking missed that. That was a lot of fun back then. Now it's just so, you know, the ball's in play. Don't go to your seat. There's some fucking old lady with a construction head on telling you to stop. I don't know. I'm just a fucking curmudgeon. What are you going to do? But anyways, that's the podcast for this week. Thank you guys so much for listening and thank you everybody who's been watching my special and giving me the great reviews. I'm really proud of this special. And if you haven't had a chance to watch it, please check it out. Obviously, that helps me out with my relationship with Netflix and my ability to do eventually do
Starting point is 01:13:56 another one. And if you've already seen it and you enjoyed it, please tell somebody else to check it out. And that's it and congratulations to the New England Patriots. Holy shit. Championship number five, unbelievable, unbelievable. And once again, I'm not fucking around here. My condolences to Atlanta fans. I have been there. It fucking sucks, but you guys got a hell of a team and I hope you're back there next year and you get, you get your fucking win. All right, that's it. Go fuck yourselves. I'll check in on you. Check in on you on Thursday and all you cunts and charlotte. I'll see you on Wednesday. All right. And for us all, campaign in cooperation with the OVAM.

There aren't comments yet for this episode. Click on any sentence in the transcript to leave a comment.