Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 2-7-11

Episode Date: February 7, 2011

Posted in PodcastPlay AudioMMPC - A grumpy Bill rambles about the Super Bowl and NFL Titles

In the mountain, in the kitchen, even in the living, they really lie everywhere, riding the empty baths. But now we go to the finish, bring them to a Bebath collection point quickly. You will always find one in your neighborhood on Bebath.be Bebath! Together, better for nature and for all of us. Campaign in cooperation with the OVAM. In 2011, seven days into February, I'm actually doing this Sunday night,

which is why all you motherfuckers in Europe actually got this fucking podcast on Monday morning. And everyone across the states got it Monday morning. Alright? And even if you're on a fucking oil tanker in the middle of the goddamn Atlantic Ocean. Alright? If you didn't have to go off and swab the deck or whatever the fuck it is you people do out there, you got it on a Monday morning. So I don't want to hear any goddamn bitchin' this week.

Where you called your Monday morning podcast? It's my podcast! You're probably asking yourself, why do I work in a cubicle? But beyond that, you're probably asking yourself, why did Bill actually do one on a Sunday evening? So it was actually there for his listeners on a Monday. Maybe if he did that more often, he wouldn't be ranked number 52 on iTunes, according to one of my listeners.

He let me know that he loved my podcast, and he thought that I should be ranked much higher than number 52. Well, thanks a lot. Thanks for letting me know how far down the fucking ranks I am. When you're doing rankings, who counts beyond the top 20, honestly? Coming in at number 73, Mabel Millenfield, with her how to make a pot roast podcast every week. She talks about how to make a podcast.

She figured that that would get boring. Way to go, whatever made up name I said five seconds ago. So I'm doing it because I'm fucking busy today on Monday. Believe it or not, I actually, I booked some acting work. It's a great thing when you're being in this business. You can watch shows on TV and be fans of them. And actually, lo and behold, one day I should be on the fucking show. And since it's inception, there's very few shows that I watch every episode of.

And I just have to tell you, from day one, I have just loved that show, Glee. I mean, it is just phenomenal, you know, the singing, the dancing, the way they stole the Nelly Olsen character from Little House in the Prairie, made her some old cunt with a fucking rape whistle, right? It's a great goddamn show. And evidently, they've been listening to my podcast. And they can, you know, they hear that I can belt out a tune, you know, I can carry a tune.

And, you know, I'm going to go on this thing a little bit, Tony Bennett. And I can't, you know, I'm legally obligated to not say what the entire episode is about. So, yeah. So I'm actually, I'm taping an episode of Glee this week. And if you believe that, I got a fucking, I got a windscreen to sell you. You know, I am working this week as an actor. I'm not fucking telling you on which show, okay? You figure it out, right?

There's only 600 channels. You know, how far into my life do I have to let you? But I am working as an actor. I'm fucking psyched because my pilot for Comedy Central that I was doing with another, one of the funniest fucking comedians I know, did not get picked up. That's how my year began. It began with a little bit of hope for about two weeks. And then the industry grabbed one of my ankles and then someone else in the industry grabbed

the other ankle and then they drove a fucking TV emblem right into my ball bag and said, there you go, Bill, have a great fucking 2011. You know, and I was down on the dumps for a couple of two, three days. You know, just like one of those old fucking crooner songs, just what makes that little hack. Thank you can something something and something everyone knows that you're fucked, but you don't got the balls to kill yourself. So you keep auditioning.

See, can you believe I'm not on fucking Glee? I can too. Go fuck yourself. You figure it out when I'm on. All right. So anyways, so this is the podcast. So I was going to do it this afternoon and I don't know a day got away from me. And then I was like, well, the Super Bowls today.

So I got to make sure I do it after the Super Bowl because I always talk about sports and if you're someone who's hates when I talk about sports, you're really going to hate this podcast. All right. Because I got to talk about a little bit. There was the fucking Super Bowl and you know, you showed up, you sport, hate and cunt, didn't you? And you sat there and you ate the fucking food, didn't you? And you ran your mouth during the fucking game and then you shut up during the commercials.

Right. And then you gab with all the chicks afterwards. I thought that that was a good one. Can you believe they pay nine zillion dollars a second? Right. So shut your face. People who say they hate fucking sports still show up to Super Bowl parties. All right.

If you do that, you're a punk. All right. If you say I hate sex in the city, I don't show up for the season finale. You know, I don't go to the movie theater. That's what I should do when they make another one of those horrific movies. Right. Do you know, I heard most of the budgets of those movies is, is actually dying the pubes of the women who play those girls.

It's true. People, I'm out here in Hollywood, man. I have the fucking trade magazines at my fingertips. I know people who are on television. You get the inside information here. I can't believe I'm ranked 52 with some of these gems that I'm giving you this week. It really boggles my mind. I'm going to say, I'm going to, I'm going to crack the top 50 this week.

I'm going to get to number 49. What do you think about that, people? Um, I don't know what the hell I'm talking about. This one's just going to be all momentum, people. All fucking momentum. Uh, let's, let's talk about the Super Bowl. Shall we start off right out of the gate? Mike and doneness is the Pittsburgh stealer fans.

It was a hell of a fucking game, a little bit boring and points, but, uh, I think some of that was had to do with, uh, both teams had great defenses. And the fact that Ben Roffelsberger was wearing one sneaker and one moon boot. Or was that an UG? I don't know what happened. I don't know what happened to that guy, but, uh, I didn't realize that he was so fucked up before the goddamn game. But, uh, my condolences and congratulations to the Green Bay Packers,

ladies and gentlemen, their fourth Super Bowl championship. Okay. Combining that with nine NFL titles. All right. And three league titles, giving them an overall total of 16 titles. All right. Nobody can fuck with that in professional football in America. All right.

Shut up. You cunts over there in Europe. All right. We call football football over here, even though we had the brains to pick the fucking thing up instead of skipping around. Fucking unbelievable. You go over there to Europe, they always give you shit over there. Well, you know, while you're calling football, mate, you know, you're fucking, shut up.

You do use your foot when you kick a field goal and when you're fucking kickoff or when you're punt. All right. Jesus fucking Christ. Supposed to call it foot and handball. Is that what the fuck was? How come you don't call it foot and head ball? How come you don't call it that?

You use your fucking head over there too, don't you? All right there, smarty pants. Anyways, sorry. 16 fucking titles. All right. That is their 16th title. So all you people there around the fucking league who keep looking, I don't know. And nobody, I asked this question why they don't count NFL fucking titles and nobody

gave me a decent explanation. They were, these good people fucking shut back then. I got shit like that. I got shit like that's because the merger, dumb shit like that. Right. That just made a lot of sports guys perk their fucking ears up. Yeah, that is right. That is what he's cause of merger.

Is it? Is that why it is? It's a fucking stupid reason because nobody else did that when they had a merger. You know, the NHL had six teams for fucking ever in 1967. They added the expansion six. They doubled the size of their fucking league. No other league has done that one year ever. Okay.

They didn't tell Montreal and Toronto to go fuck themselves with all their cups. Montreal used to win them back. You know, when they used to play in a pond, the Stanley Cup was the size of like a fucking shot glass. They count those. The fucking Chicago Cubs have been waiting since 1907. I don't fucking understand it. It's bullshit.

Okay. And later on in this podcast, you know what? Fuck it. I'm going to read it right now. All right. This is basically how it went down. All right. And I know while you all you fucking sports nerds out there, by the way, I want you guys

to debunk my, my, my way of thinking here. Okay. Cause you look at the Los Angeles Lakers, two of their NBA championships are not even, they weren't even one in the NBA. They were one in a league called the BBA, which then merged with some other that then became the NBA. I mean, you want to talk about padding your fucking stats. You got, I mean, if the Lakers can get away with that shit and act like they're one title

away from the fucking Celtics, if they can get away with that horseshit with that hanky that they put up with five fucking titles on it, right? It's funny. The other championship banner they have hanging on their wall, it just says, you know, NBA champion 1980 NBA champion 1985. Right. They just have it's, it's its own flag. Then they got this one little fucking hanky.

Okay. Which should be a big slice of fucking toilet paper that they got five fucking championships on. I think Shemp played on one of those goddamn teams. It's fucking ridiculous. But if they can get away with that, I'm telling you, I'm counting from here on out. I'm counting NFL titles. All right.

I'm going to start a movement. Okay. If I can't close down the fucking Federal Reserve, at least I can make this thing right in this goddamn country. Okay. Here's how it goes. All right. Just if you want to know Green Bay is on top.

All right. This is how it worked. Okay. 1920s when the NFL started. All right. From 1920 to 1932, they had the league championship and it was determined by team wins and lost percentages with ties omitted. And then in 1932, because of a tie in the final standings, a playoff game was played to determine

the championship. And from 1933 on, that was called the NFL championship game. All right. That's how it fucking worked. Okay. And all these teams, including the fucking Steelers played and played back then. So they had an opportunity to win titles, which they did not. So here we go.

Here's how it goes down the most successful teams from back then. All right. The Green Bay Packers, they won nine NFL championships and three league titles for a total of fucking, what's that? 93 to 112. Fuck it. I didn't put these in any sort of chronological order here. So I just got to read them.

The Colts won four NFL championships. All right. And then another two Super Bowls. So they got six total. The Giants won New York Giants, New York football Giants, won four NFL titles plus three Super Bowls. So they got seven. They got seven fucking championships.

You know, they're sitting there walking around like they only got three. Like they're hanging there with my Patriots. They're not. They got twice as many as us plus one. Chicago Bears won nine NFL fucking championships plus one Super Bowl for a grand total of 10. The Cardinals, I've lost. This is why I'm ranked number 52. I've lost so many listeners at this point, but I don't give a fuck.

Chicago Cardinals, which then became the St. Louis Cardinals, which then became the Arizona Cardinals. They won one league and one NFL title. And if you want to go to an Arizona Cardinal game and if you want to fucking chant a year at those fucking retired George McGovern Republican cunts, uh, 1947. That's the year you want to chant at them. 1947. All right.

The Lions won four NFL championships. I forget when that last one I had the wrong year written down was 1950 something. Cleveland Rams, which then became the LA Rams in 1946 and then became the St. Louis Rams in 19 fucking 95. I know I sound like the Rain Man. They have won three NFL championships plus one Super Bowl for a grand total of four. Here's my favorite one, the Cleveland Browns. They won four NFL titles.

All right. And before that, they won four all American football conference titles. All right. And there were three teams that were in the all American football conference that merged with the NFL in 1950. And I'm not counting those championships, by the way, the all American football conference. I wouldn't count those because that wasn't in the NFL. That would be like the Lakers counting those BBA fucking championships.

Um, the all American football concert conference existed from 1946 to 1949. They had four championship games and the fucking Cleveland Browns went all four. They dominated that league. That league merged with the NFL in 1950 and they took three teams with them. The Browns, the Colts and the 49ers. All right. We're continuing. We only got a couple more here.

The Philadelphia Eagles won three, three NFL titles. Last one's 1960. That's what you want to chant at those angry bastards. And then good luck to you after that. 49ers won zero and five Super Bowls. Steelers won zero NFL titles and have six Super Bowls. So there you go. For all you sports nerds out there, that's the deal.

All right. So I don't want to fucking hear any of this, any acting like those things don't count. They do count. That was the best of the best back then. And they went through the same bullshit as every other fucking league with, oh, but they didn't let black guys play back then. So what? So what?

Every other sport counts those fucking things. So, um, I don't know how my goddamn point was, but, uh, you know what, I did want to read to continue with, I'll get back to the stats in a minute, but can I, can I actually bring up something here about the Super Bowl? Um, what was going on with the beginning of the game this year? With those fucking wailing whores that they brought out to sing every song that, that ever about America, you know, they brought out that chick from fucking Glee who tried to make America the beautiful sexy.

Well, what is it? Oh, we're singing amazing grace. Amazing grace. They got the little as they slide into the fucking line. All right. She should have been booted right in the box. And, uh, Christina Aguilera, right? Then she comes out with her booze face.

See, that's why I've been laying off the booze, man. That's it right there. That's not baby weight. All right. That chick likes her beer. She came out there and, uh, I loved her though. I like how she sort of freestyled the national anthem. You know what I mean?

Who can honestly remember those words unless you're singing it with somebody else? That's a really difficult thing to do. She was just out there and the stars and the freedom and Kentucky and McDonald's. Let's go to the mall and something else. Something else. American and the flag was still there. Um, so I mean, how long did that? You know what kills me was I looked on my cable thing and it said Super Bowl pregame.

All right. Out here, the Super Bowl comes on at three in the afternoon. So I see from fucking like 12 noon to like three is the pregame. I don't want to see that shit. I don't give a fuck. I don't give a shit. I don't want to see these people break down the game, the keys to the game. I could give a fuck.

All right. They're never right. I don't give a shit. I just don't care. So I'm like, okay, the game starts at three and then I go to put it on and what do they have more of this pomp and fucking circumstance and I don't like how they got to sing like 58 songs about fucking. I understand that it's in America.

It's obnoxious. Jesus Christ with the fucking songs and then they got to make them laugh. Every time you think they're done, they got to add a couple to the fucking line and you just sit in there. I don't get it. It's the most important game of the NFL season and they just drag out one douchebag after another. It has nothing to do with the game.

By the time the game starts, it's like I don't even give a shit, but at least Dion Sanders dressed up for the game. Jesus Christ, man. That guy really was showing his age. How can you be that flashy and fuck up that bad? He picked out that shirt and tie and right before he went out there, somebody spilled coffee all over it. I think he had a white suit and then he just went to the nearest tire salesman.

Once you give me this brown suit, I'll just put it over this candy cane striped shirt with the fucking tie. Anyways, let me get to some stats in the past fucking week here. I actually took the Steelers in the over just because I knew everyone was going to pick the Packers in the under. I don't even know what the fuck it was. I lost 25 bucks. That was my big thing.

You know what? This is the first time the fucking podcast officially hit a goddamn speed bump here. All right, Bill, I'm emailing you. Somebody did my stats last week. How many times I said fuck on the podcast. This is pretty staggering. Bill, I'm emailing you to inform you that I served as your personal statistician during your previous podcast on January 31, 2011.

I documented each and every time you said the word fuck or some variance of the word. I must say you're in a goddamn league of your own. Thank you. You're the podcasting f-bomb dropping equivalent of fucking Wilt Chamberlain in 1962. All right, let's get to anyways. He said, it's kind of ironic that I'm patting you on the back in a way for this feat because through a little research, I discovered that you used to pride yourself on a clean bit during the early stages of your career.

Yeah, I did. I just figured out if I could be funny without cursing. And once I proved to myself that I could, I was then free to be myself. Who's a cozy smug cunt. Despite that fact, he said it's obvious that you're off the wagon and fucking shit up on a whole nother level nowadays. Your numbers are fucking astonishing. You might as well throw on some red leather pants and a gold chain because your vulgarity

is reminiscent of Eddie Murphy's in the 1980s, you transparent bastard. Now list a few of your milestones below and then elaborate on just how revolutionary and earth shattering your last podcast was. All right, this is actually, I was kind of amazed by this. First usage of the word fuck occurred 38 seconds into the podcast. You hit the century mark, 17 minutes in. This stat is mind boggling to me. It took you little over the equivalent of one quarter of football to drop a hundred F bombs.

You did this almost leisurely too. You're a fucking juggernaut. I can only imagine the damage you do while watching a real quarter of football. All sauced up on the juice. So anyways, I guess I last week, my podcast was 73 minutes and I said the F word 347 times. Jesus Christ, you used roughly a year's worth of cuss words in a little over an hour. Come on, dude. If you use the F word, there's no way you say it once a day.

All right, that's 4.753 uses per minute. You make Andrew Dice Clay and Bob Saget stuff look PG 13. I'd argue that first half breakdown in the first 36 and a half minutes. I used it 210 times in the second half 137. Look at that. I slowed down after the all star break. Everybody thought I was going to be the first guy to break 400 and I didn't. So this guy actually made a graph of it.

First of all, if I can figure out how to download this, I downloaded it. I can't find it in my computer. He has the marker with next to the sharpie with his headphones and all that. Like he's counting off days in prison, 345 little slashes there and groups of five. And then he compared me to some of the most vulgar movies of all time uses per minute. I beat out casino Martin Lawrence live good fellas, menace to society. Eddie Murphy delirious, the big Lebowski and Pulp Fiction and then total counts of movies. I came in second behind casino, but in my defense, that's like a two hour movie.

So fuck them. There you go. Is that enough stats for you in the first 20 minutes? Jesus Christ can be ranked like 700th at this point. So anyways, what the hell was my week like? I got over my road aides just to let you guys know I got over it. I don't know. It just kept getting worse till like Friday.

And it's all because I forgot my vitamins. I told you guys I booked some acting work for tomorrow. So what do I do? I'm getting ready for the Super Bowl. My Patriots got beaten by the Jets, so I don't give a shit. I know I said I wouldn't track Rex Ryan, but for some reason I couldn't resist. And I had to watch his post game lost to the Steelers speech. It just drove me nuts.

He was like, you know, a lot of people are going to want to criticize this and they can, but they don't have any right. It's just, why don't they have a right? He's like, this team's been through a lot. Yeah, you created most of it with your shit talking. You shit talked the whole fucking year and you said you were going to win the Super Bowl. You were on the side of the bus and you didn't. Why do you feel people don't have a right to give you shit at that point?

It's fucking annoying. And next year, next year, I'm going to have the shame. It's going to be the shame. I'll have the same goal. You know what I hate about that cunt is one year he's finally going to win it and be like, dude, what I say? What I say? You know what you said, Rex? The same thing you say every fucking day.

So stop acting like you called it. I can't stand that shit. That drives me nuts. When you're fucking wrong, just be a man about it. Be like, yeah, I talked a lot of shit this year and I was fucking wrong. So I'm here to take my medicine. You know, such a fucking fat bitch. Anyways, so I'm getting ready for the, I'm getting ready for the Super Bowl and I don't give a fuck, right?

It's the Steelers, it's the Packers. I don't give a shit. I give a flying fuck about this game. You know, I don't, I don't care. Neither one of those teams has ever done anything really to the Patriots. The Packers beat us in 97, but who gives a fuck? We weren't supposed to win that game. That was Brett Favre.

Remember that young Brett Favre? He had brown hair. And then he threw that first touchdown pass and he took his helmet off and ran and went way over to the sideline. You remember that? And they actually had to make a rule that you can't do that anymore because he was so blatantly trying to get some sort of national commercial. Whee! Hey, I'll tell you, he just loves the game. That guy just loves playing the game.

Oh, how funny was it when the big Lebowski guy with the fucking most insane mustache ever when he did those voiceovers? People at Pittsburgh, are you tired of them acting like people still working steel mills out there? You know, because I have to admit, as a fan from Boston, anytime they do anything about New England, they show a lighthouse and a fucking lobster fisherman. And I lived there for 27 years and I never met anyone who worked in a fucking lighthouse, ran a lighthouse, or even worked on a fucking lobster boat. Nobody. You know, and I didn't like Clam Chowder.

I thought it looked like it just looked like a curdled milk. You know, it looked gross. I didn't like it. But they're just sitting there talking about Pittsburgh going. Pittsburgh is a tough town built on steel. When you're in Pittsburgh, if you get hit by a bus, your mother calls you and you'll fag it. Right? Sorry, I got a little bit of the AIDS left.

I fucking hate that shit. And then they go up Green Bay. Green Bay is the same shit. It is a tough fucking place. People used to pack shit up in Green Bay. In Green Bay, when there's packing to be done, you don't have to look too far to find somebody to pack something. You know, I just wish they would be more honest. You know.

This place used to have a bunch of steel mills. Now they all closed down. They're all rusted in half and got turned into malls. Now there's a bunch of half a fag sitting in cubicles looking at spreadsheets. Up in Wisconsin, you got a bunch of fat fucks out of them. That goddamn fucking pasty and they got red shit on their face from the goddamn cold. Ain't shit been packed up here since 40 years before NAFTA. They're a bunch of cheese eating fat fucks.

This is all they got for the love of God. Let the Packers win. Why don't they do shit like that? Could they do that? Then I'd watch it. Then I wouldn't have it on fucking mute. You know. It'd be a nice break between wailing hoars singing songs about America.

My country is a thief. That diva shit. Ugh. Christina Aguilera. How about some P90X baby? Good lord. I don't give a fuck she had a kid. You're still in your 20s.

Go hit the fucking treadmill. What happened? You know. That's the danger. That's the danger. You know. That's why I'm so glad. You know.

I had a choice at some point in my career to become a sex symbol. And I was just like. You know what? I'm not going to do it. You know. Because there's only one way to go. Just go down. I did people.

I actually had the opportunity to become Hollywood's first male redheaded sex symbol. All right. I know what you're thinking. What about that fucking pasty freckled ass cunt who was on NYPD blue? Fuck this whole career up. What about that guy? I have been in this business since before he fucked up his career. Do you understand that people?

Do you realize on March 2nd, I am going to be celebrating my 19th year of traveling to strip malls, making people laugh, giggle at my little wacky view of the world. It's pretty fucking depressing. I can't believe it, man. I remember when I was a fucking kid when I got into this business, when I looked at someone been doing it 17 years, I used to look at him like, dude, fucking hang it up because it is over. It is fucking over.

You are not making it, buddy. Okay. Maybe that's why you're sweating right through your fucking sport coat. Jesus. I started in 1992. That's right. So if there was a 17 year fucking veteran. Jesus, I gotta do math now.

That would mean they started in 1975. If I worked with somebody in 1992 and they started in 1975, I would just be like, dude, wow. What was that like? What was it like, you know, driving to, you know, I don't know what the fuck you guys did back then, flying on planes with propellers? What happened? And now, I don't know what happened.

I'm 19 years into this shit. And I realize now why those guys 17 years in didn't quit because when you have a 17 to 19 year gap in your resume, you know, from the last time you actually had a day job. Excuse me. Yeah, you're done. No, no, it's going to hire. What are you going to hire me to do? Sell cars?

What have you been doing since 1992? I was kind of a cunt. I have three and a half years of podcasts where I say some of the most horrific shit ever. There goes any sort of corporate job, right? Why the hell would I want to work for them anyways? You know, you become part of the murder or whatever the fuck it is that you're doing. There's always some sort of killing going on when you work for a corporation. You know, it is if you follow it and then you sit there lying to yourself.

Well, you know, I just shine the gun. I don't pull the trigger. You know, it's the fucking worst. Um, yeah, so I've been doing it 19 years that there's really no turning back for me. And if for some reason the bottom falls out, I don't know what I would do. I have no, I know fucking idea what I would do, which is why I don't think about this type of shit. So I got 19 fucking years in. That's unbelievable to me.

I remember when I hit 10 years in, I was like, Jesus, I used to look at guys like 12, 13 years in when I had like eight. Go man, they've been doing it well. They have to make it now. They better make it now. That is fucking over. So I don't know what I'm saying, you know, which probably brings up the question like, Bill, do you think you made it? What is it? What is it that makes you feel like you made it?

You know what? I think I did. I did, right? The fuck. I didn't have high. Look, I'm a fucking C student. Okay. So my goals aren't that high.

I look at it like I made it. I booked Glee this week. Oh shit. I got to get a puppet people. I got to do it, man. I got to make it. I have one year to make it. If I don't fucking make it in the next year, 20 fucking years in, I'll tell you right now.

You better build an extension to your goddamn cubicle people because I'm showing up. No, I can't do it. I left the program. I'm like fucking what's Marlon Brando's character in a pop apocalypse now. I'm all the way up the river. It's over. All right. I got a head on the stick.

There's no fucking way. There's no way I could ever go back and get a real job. I'd have to have a kid and be like I'm doing it for him or her. Right? That's the only way I could. There's no fucking way I could go in there and have somebody. Bill, I noticed you came in at 9 0 8 this morning. Yeah, did you?

Did you notice anything else? Like how fucked up that tie is? Like immediately I would just go to that. Actually, I wouldn't. Look at me trying to paint myself like I'm a badass. I wouldn't. I'd be like, oh yeah. So I immediately go into that.

Sorry. The traffic. And you know, just become that guy and hate myself and take it out on some sweet lady of work next to me who's been with the company for 25 years. You know, she's never missed a day. Yeah, it's because she's stealing from the company. You dumb fucks. She's too afraid to take a day off.

You ever think about that? All right. Let's get, let's get to some topics here. So once again, congratulations to the Green Bay Packers. All right. Up there in Green Bay. When you live off one of the Great Lakes, you better take your dick and wrap it around your balls because there ain't no room for pussies.

Sorry. I better save my voice. See, this is, this is the type of self-sabotage that's been part of my career for the last 19 years. I do shit like this. I should, you know, I should just be thinking to myself and say, fuck you guys. I'm in the 52nd ranked podcast on iTunes. I should be resting up on my voice.

That's what I should be fucking doing, but I'm not. I'm not. This is, this is, this is what I, you know, I don't know why. I just, I thought, oh, this is my thought I had. So I'm getting ready to Super Bowl, right? I don't give a fuck about either team. And so I'm going to go and make a couple of burgers. So I've been using this natural goddamn charcoal, which is great.

Doesn't have that chemical shit on it. You know, you know that shit when you're really hungry. You can use that, that match light stuff. You can throw the patty on too early. You taste the lighter fluid in your burger. So I'm using natural stuff, which takes longer to light and it's more of a pain in the ass. When you get down to the bottom of the bag, the pieces are too fucking small or you got one giant piece.

So I take out one giant piece. It's like, I'm not breaking this motherfucker up. Long story short, I couldn't get any sizzle on my re-zizzle. And I'm starving. So my girl's like, well, why don't we just make it? Why don't we just make it on the stove top? It's like, I'm like, because I'm a man. That's why.

Because I can't admit defeat. I can't admit the fact that what I'm doing, I don't know what the fuck I'm doing right now. All right. So I just added more fuel to the damn fire. So then I throw these fucking patties on is what I do. And I make these two fucking things. I melt the cheese and I think everything's going all right. But I'm doing it like I had some sizzle on my re-zizzle.

You like that? That's my little hip-hop nod for this week. And evidently, I didn't. So rather than cutting in and making sure everything was done, I didn't. I just take these motherfuckers off. And they're like the size, twice the size of McDonald's burgers. They're just little ones. I don't give a fuck, right?

So I take it off the grill. I put what I put on my burgers, which is just ketchup and pickle. I keep it fucking simple. All right. Slice the motherfucker in half. And I look and the inside of it looks like raw meat. And immediately my brain goes, don't eat that shit. Okay.

You're going to get a coli. You have to take glee tomorrow. How can you sing with a deadly virus inside of you? You just got over road aids. Okay. Let's not add a coli to this. But what do I do? I don't give a fuck.

I just eat the goddamn thing. You know? I eat the fucking thing. I smell like smoke. I'm taking a shower and I'm in there just waiting for this feeling of fucking death. You know? Fortunately, it never hit me. But you know what?

Why would I do something like that? Self-sabotage. Stupid. You know? That's why I never booked an episode of Caroline in the City. I mean, I booked one, but I, you know, I fucking, I got Salmonella. All right. You know what?

Nowhere. I apologize. So, you know what? I think it's time to bring a guest onto the show. I'm going to hit pause here on the recording because I got to set up the microphone. We're going to bring my lovely girlfriend in and she's going to contribute on this week's version of is it racist, racist, racist? Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it is time once again for is it racist, racist, racist?

Yes. This time, this time I am joined by my lovely girlfriend, Nia. How are you, sweetheart? I'm great, sweetie. How are you? I'm fantastic. Let's not be too nice to each other because of my listeners. You know, I find out this week I'm ranked 52nd on the podcast on iTunes.

Out of how many? Like 63. No, I don't know how many there are. I know everybody has a podcast. You're getting there, baby. See that? All right. Well, here we go.

We're going to bring you in here and, you know, you got to hand it to me, huh? For what? Well, you know, I booked Glee this week. Oh, that's right. I know. I'm so excited about that. I know. I'm nervous about my dancing.

I'm all right with my singing. No, we've been working on your pot of arrays, so I feel pretty confident. Here we go. All right. This guy wrote from BYU. Are you familiar with BYU? Brigham Young University. This is the Mormon.

You know, those people, right? Sure. Big love. Yeah. They're wild and out out there, right? Wild and out. Wild and out. They have like 12 wives each.

Skirts down to their ankles. Skirts down to their ankles. And they don't... Collars up to their chin. Yeah. And they're all virgins before they get married vaginally. Right. And then they just have anal.

That's how they do it. That's Utah, everybody. The salt flats. And you've seen that fucking... That's state. All right. BYU. Is this racist?

He says, Bill, is it racist to root for BYU? This is the college because they have the best scorer, Glenn Falls, finest white boy. They start four white kids in total and are eighth in the nation because I do. So evidently, this guy's white and he's rooting for this white basketball team, basically. They start four white guys and one of the highest, the number one scorer in the league is white. And he's white. Is it racist?

Racist? Because... Why don't you just use the effect of your garage band? Because it takes too much fucking time. Oh. Plus, I think it sounds better. Racist? Racist?

Racist? Yes. Yes. Yes. See, I can do it. Is it racist that a white guy is rooting for a white people on a white team full of white people doing white things, having white beliefs? Playing basketball.

No, it is not racist. It is not racist. Okay. And why? Because it has nothing to do with race. It's not like he's saying... I think it has everything to do with race. Well, it's not like he's saying like, you know, fuck black people.

They can't play basketball. It's white people. White people own. That's what it is. You know, it's not like that. He just likes the white people. Right. This is what I think.

I think if you, if your people traditionally suck at something or have been prevented from doing something, then it's okay for you to root for your guy. Okay. Now that is, nobody prevented white people from playing basketball. No. We just sort of, we just sort of sucked at it for a while. I don't understand why... Because we can't jump.

No, no, no, no. I don't understand why he thinks that that would even be in the racist category. Because we get in trouble for everything. Because he's, he's rooting for, he's like, I like this team. I'm rooting for them, but I don't want people to think I'm racist. No, it's just because, look, if you're fucking 30 years or younger, you don't even remember white people doing 40 years or younger. You don't remember as dominating any fucking sport other than hockey.

Right. All right. And we're starting to creep in on that. A little bit. You know what it is? Black people is like, it's like LeBron when LeBron talks about the scoring title. Yeah. Well, you don't watch sports, but like LeBron was just like one time they were asking him

about the scoring title. And they were like, you know, anything about Kobe? And he said, look, if I wanted to, if I wanted to, I could win that fucking thing. But he's trying to like, I look at, I look at hockey the same way. Like if black people wanted to, if you wanted to. We could dominate hockey. You could. I don't know.

You know, I mean, how many... We don't like the cold. How many more sport examples do you need? How many more sports do you have to fucking take over before? You just sort of realize, you know, you're killing it. Yeah. No, that, that, that is not racist. Yeah.

I don't think it's racist either because we've been getting dunked on for fucking. Yeah. If he wants to rule for white people, that's not racist. Yeah. Okay. All right. So there we go. Yeah.

That's the first one. All right. Next one. This is, this is a good one here. Racism or. Ethnist. Fucking. No, it's not.

Copy that. Ethnicism. That's not. Look, I did this after the Super Bowl. I got E. Coli and recovering from road aides here. All right. Bill, I've been listening to your recent podcast about racism and had a few questions pop in my head.

Why do they call your background, your ethnicity, example, Spanish, African, American, Chinese? But why, when we tease someone's ethnicity, it's called racism. Maybe it should be called. Ethnist or ethnicism. I don't know what he's basically saying there is why if. I guess if you go, I don't like those German motherfuckers. Why would that be considered racism? Wouldn't that be that would be more of an ethnic thing?

Because they are, they are a certain brand of white people. I honestly don't know. You don't understand this question. No, no, I think I'm a little stumped too. I don't know that I know the difference necessarily between ethnicity and race. All right. Well, why don't I know that? I don't know why.

Well, tell me. Okay. Well, race is like, like would be like, um, uh, here we go. Black people, white people, like, look, people from, okay, people from England, France, Germany, all them, those are white people. Oh, okay. But like your ethnicity is German, Irish, German, Irish, Scottish, English and French. My ethnicity is like African and like a small, small drop of Native American or something.

There you go. Okay. So what was your race? Your race is black. Right. Like I guess basically or African American, whatever the fuck you fill out. Right. So I guess he's saying a lot of times that, uh, I don't know what the fuck he's saying.

I think he's saying like, if, if someone like was given shit about Irish people, they say it's racist or something like that. Oh, oh, oh, oh, you're making fun of the ethnicity. Got it. You know, cause you're not trash and all white people. Right. You're just, you're just complaining about a certain ethnicity as opposed to entire race of people, Caucasian versus Irish or something.

Yeah. Jesus Christ. I'm trying to get some fire on this topic. You know what it is, Nia? You're too fucking honest. You just agreeing with all of this shit. I'm not agreeing with it. I just, I don't know why they, I don't know why that it's called that either.

Well, you thought my older Asian game that I play, you said that that was racist, right? It is. How, how is that racist? Not the old part. That's agist. Right. But, um, yeah, cause you said that all Asian people can't drive. Oh, I didn't.

Yes, you did. When did I say that? You always say that. No, I didn't. If somebody fucks up in front of me, those of them are the two I'm guessing. You don't see how that's or Asian. You don't see how that you're, you're taking like one group of people and stereotyping them. Yes.

I'm definitely stereotyping them. Oh, I see. But what you're saying is that you're not like, I'm not saying these are bad people. I'm just saying that they can't drive. So you're stereotyping. No, no, no. I'm just saying that if somebody makes a fucking U turn on a highway. If it's not an 85 year old guy, if you had to take your life savings.

I'm not even saying it's going to be an Asian guy, but if you had to bet, and if your life was on the fucking line telling you, I know what you would do with that. So in the grand question of is Bill Burr racist against Asians, I would say no, but he does stereotype them really, really badly. Yeah. And whose fault is that? Yours. Do you think I just pulled that out?

Look, if someone said that white people can't jump, do you think they just pull that out of their fucking ass? How many fucking white guys do you have to walk? How many six foot 10 inch white guys do you got to watch slam the ball into the front of the rim and almost dislocate their shoulder trying to dunk on a fucking breakaway before you can say white people can't jump. Did you go on YouTube? You go on YouTube and you'll see some white dudes doing some shit.

Yeah. White people could do. Right. You think you think there are the exception and not the rule. I'm just saying that if somebody said to me who wasn't white said white guys can't jump and they can't fucking dance. I'm really not going to get into a heated debate about that. All right.

I'm sure Donnie Osmond can cut a fucking rug with John Travolta or whoever the fuck you want or Kevin Federline. He was a dancer. Yeah. That doesn't count before he became a medium. But he wasn't though. He hung out with black people and he did hip hop dancing. He bought one of those hip hop dance VHS.

He was in a pink video. He had cornrows. Yeah. And he liked to bang black girls. That doesn't count. That doesn't count. That doesn't fucking count. Justin Timberlake.

I mean stole Michael Jackson's voice and all the shit that Michael Jackson actually stole from mimes and hip hop dancers. And James Brown. And James Brown. There you go. I don't fucking. I'm just talking shit in here. All right.

Well I see the distinction but it's still it's still wrong. What is wrong? It's wrong of you to stereotype Asian people. Yeah. I'm not fucking hurting anybody. It would get started off. It started off. It's a joke in the fucking car.

I know that. And you realize don't stand up. I'm standing up and I'm pointing at you. Put that. Unless you're going to use that finger I suggest you put it away. Oh shit. Shit. That's from like second grade.

Why do you have on boots right now? It's really annoying. Why are you in your underwear? You want to talk shit? Because it's fucking 10 o'clock at night and I'm in my own goddamn bedroom. If you were going outside that would make sense. You're wearing tidy whiteies but they're black. No I'm not.

These are like the snug ones. They're like biker shorts. Yeah. They cut my balls. They make them feel good. What's wrong with that? You said you like these. And you were wearing your boss and bro and shirt.

I do like them. You got a lot of nerve standing up pontificating in your underwear. Why? Because it's hilarious. Because it shows you how passionate I am about my opinions. I want to bribe one of your listeners to like send me something like an Amazon gift wish, like a gift wish list and I'll send them a picture of you right now as you are. Can I do that?

Yeah go ahead and do that. That's the end of your fucking anytime you want to fucking have meals. They don't need it at this point with technology. They just take my head and stick it on somebody anyways. Oh that's true. Yeah. Which is what they're all going to do now. Thanks.

Thanks Nia. Anything else you'd like to add? You guys will somebody please do that. Make a composite of that and email it to Bill. Okay. And you know what this is? I want to see that. This is all about is I have too much control in the relationship right now.

This is what you're doing. You're trying to get my listeners to turn on me. Is that what it is? Oh honey. It's you. Divide and conquer. I'm making it funny. I thought that's what I was here for.

All right. This is why I brought that shit up. I stood up my underwear and I started pointing at you. Raising my voice. The fuck were we talking? We were talking about that older Asian thing. Yeah. All right.

And it was one of the, we were in the fucking car and you've, you've admitted in the car. You're like Jesus Christ. There's something to this game. And the best laugh we had. It was a little odd. Was that time when it was a little odd. That's the closest I'm ever going to get you admitted to your bullshit. No, because I have.

The best one was when it was an old Asian guy. And that's when we came up like that was hitting like the green double zero and fucking roulette. You had to call old Asian. Well, it's rude. I have, this is going to sound terrible, but I have Asian friends. So I don't want people to think that I. So do I. Kevin Shea, Bobby Lee.

Oh, I love Bobby Lee. You don't love Kevin Shea. I don't know him really. Bobby Lee. Kevin, Kevin Shea is like the angry Bobby Lee. Oh, okay. Yeah. Got it.

Bobby Lee's anger is just somewhere hidden in there. Jesus Christ. You know what? This is this is right here. This is why, you know, what is right here? When you want to break balls, you got to hang out with other guys because the woman's going to ruin it. Don't you think that what about why you want to bring in a little another mini bill bar and hear just your own opinion regurgitated over and over again. Don't you get bored with that?

Yes, with like audio of a crowd applauding underneath it. Bill's always right. Give me another. Give me another. Is it racist? All right. Well, I have to look up one. Do you realize I said the effort 347 times.

That is incredible. Even for you. Really? Jesus Christ. You're just really abandoning me, aren't you? I'm not, but that's excessive. Yeah, this podcast is excessive. Your whole beard is excessive.

You're the one who told me to fucking grow it. I love it. He told me to grow a goddamn beard. Yeah. I like it. And guess what? You got a part on Glee because of it. That's right.

I'm playing the part of Kenny Luggins. All right. Now these are the ones I'm just grabbing these out of nowhere. Okay. Okay. And this was your fucking idea too, because some of these get crazy. All right, Bill. I don't know.

It's your fault. I'd like to use your, is it racist segment to get a ruling on a dispute between myself, a white guy, and some friends? The issue involves, the issue in question revolves around a particular Halloween costume of mine a few years back. You chose this one, Nia. Here we go. Anyway, anyone who's been to Vegas knows about the porn slappers that clog up all the sidewalks

on the strip. I guess those are the guys who hand out the flyers. I guess. I have no idea. So-called because as they're handing out the stripper RS business cards, they give them a quick snap on the hand to shove them in your face. Okay. As if having full color porn pushed on you while trying to walk down the street wasn't

enough. I guess they deem it necessary to violate your auditory senses as well. Well, they got to get you to pay attention. All right. During a routine trip. That reminds me of something. I'm sorry. That slapping of the car.

That reminds me of, remember when we went to Jumbo's clown room and that girl, when we first went in there, the stripper was like super friendly. She's like, hi as you walk in. And then occasionally you'd hear like a clapping noise. Really loud. It could sound like somebody had shot. And it was her clapping her stripper boots together, trying to get your attention, like because the room was too quiet and no one was paying attention to her.

It was so pathetic in there. And all of a sudden it sounded like a gunshot and it was clapping her fucking boots together. That stripper quit on stage. Yeah, exactly. She didn't like say, I'm never dancing again. She just stopped dancing. She crawled over on her hands and knees to her purse, lied on her stomach, pulled her phone out and started texting on stage.

Music's still going. Titty's out with the thong on. But the best part was she danced to the whole first song and didn't make one dime. It was slowly coming down the pole. Greatest love of all. And then whatever the hell it was, and then landed on her back. Not one dime. She was terrible.

She was horrific. She was ugly too. And the next song started and she was just laying there. Yeah. She didn't answer the bell like a fighter, quit on the fucking stool. I had no respect for her. Anyways, let's continue here. During a routine trip to Vegas.

Notice. Yeah, how he paints himself as somebody innocent, you know. I thought it would be funny to dress up as a porn slapper for Halloween. So while there, I collected a sizable stack of the previously mentioned cards. When I returned home, I had a fluorescent pink stripper direct to you shirt made. Had it made up and assembled with other components to create what I consider to be an authentic reproduction. Is this going to end with him in blackface?

It's going to end with him in Mexican face or whatever, because that's all the guys seem to be like Hispanic. I know where this is going. Here's when the train went off the tracks and a claim that the costume became racist. Right. My completed costume consisted of a straw cowboy hat, short, black wig, brown facial makeup, a large mustache, stripper direct shirt, some navy dickies and tennis shoes. Yeah.

Basically if Poncho Vila had to get a second job to pick up a little cash on the side, that's what I end up looking like. Now, did any of my so-called white friends mention that this costume might be racist during the construction phrase? Are they so-called white or are they so-called friends? They're so-called white friends. Of course not. They didn't say, oh, basically those white friends didn't say shit.

But the second, I'm out on Halloween night. Suddenly I'm surrounded by spokespeople for the anti-defamation league. Dude, what the fuck did you do this? My stance on all this was, yes, that the costume was probably racially insensitive, but it was not done to be malicious. I was just shooting for authenticity and therefore it wasn't racist. My friends claim that it was blatantly racist. The friends who didn't say shit, who are now trying to step away.

The so-called white friends. Yeah, so-called white friends. Can I please get your opinion on this? All right. Here's my question. Did he have to, like he could have done that entire costume without the, let's say, brown face without the brown face? All right.

And people would have gotten it because he'd be handing out those things. And people would be like, oh, because everyone's gone to Vegas. Everyone's seen those. I went to Vegas. I brought you back a stack of those fucking cards because I thought it was funny. So people would have gotten it. So it does seem a little excessive to add the brown face when it's really unnecessary. This is one of these things.

So he's dipping his toe in the racist pawn. I do not think that this person is a racist human being. I don't think he's like, he thinks Mexican people are bad. I shouldn't even say Mexican. They could be Peruvian, whatever. I don't think he thinks they're bad, but he definitely dipped his toe in because there was really no need to go that far. He could have done the entire thing and everyone would have gotten it.

All right, this is what I say. He didn't need brown face. This is what I say. I say this isn't racist. I say what he's guilty of is not knowing that he was going to be called a racist. Because if every fucking dude handing those things out that weekend was Mexican and looked like that, and he went all out to try to look like that, all he's guilty of is having a fucking kick-ass costume.

All right? And if the Wayans brothers can make white chicks, that fucking horrific horror that I fucking saw. I didn't see the movie, but I just looked. It was so fucking weird. That just got too transvestite-y for me when he took his foot out and had it on the table. It just really was fucking disgusting. I didn't understand how we're supposed to believe that everyone in the movie doesn't

realize that it's black people in white face because it's so obvious to me. I'm like, do these people really believe that this isn't an actual white person? They're talking to other white people. It doesn't look weird to them. And this is my thing. If you can fucking do that, okay, which I get the rules are fucking different because all the bullshit that's happened. So that's one of those things where he's guilty of like a white person who doesn't mean anything

but says you people or you guys, right? And then has to be like, well, I didn't know. I didn't fucking know. So I wouldn't say that that's that's not racist. It's just, but your friends are fucking sellouts who I think they did it on purpose. I think they were like, oh, this is going to be good. Oh, they did it on purpose. I think they wanted him to get called out.

If they did it on purpose, then that's fucking funny. But yeah, I don't think I think it was a little unnecessary to add that. I don't think he needed that for the costume. This is what I would say in a perfect world. He had a great costume, but because of all the shit that we've done, you know, that's just one of those one of those extra, you know, because of all the extra perch perks you get from being fucking white, you know, like you should see, you should have seen the gift bag I got when I was born.

It was, it was fucking ridiculous. Yeah, it was like a bag full of cash. Oh yeah. It was subscription for life. Your college was automatically paid for. You had a job set up. Oh yeah. We just bitch, because no, it's actually, it's, you know, if I could tell you honestly

how difficult it is being white. That's what I wanted. I want to know though why that's, I'd be curious to know why he felt like he had it to add that to it. He did. Maybe he didn't feel like the costume was like clear enough. He's like, I got everything. You know what this needs?

He could have even just left the mustache. What if you go as a specific guy, like Billy Crystal, when he used to do Sammy Davis Jr. on SNL was in, he was not only in blackface, he was in black body, black everything. He went, I mean, obviously not underneath, but like he, and he's somehow, he got away with it because he was doing a specific guy. Like how does that work? But then Ted Danson comes out and does a roast. I mean, I'm really going far back here, which allegedly everything goes.

Did you see on 30 Rock when they had one of the characters in blackface? They had a, they had a, the girl that plays Jenna, Janker Kowsky. It was really funny. And in the context, it made complete sense and it wasn't like, but anyway, let me, let me read one more here. Yeah. And then, and then we're going to let you go here. Another, another stunning performance here.

Dear Bill, after listening, how much better am I getting at reading out loud? You know what it is I do now? I'm getting way better at this. You're like a little kid. I am. What I, what I do is when I start. Sound it out. Take your time.

When I start to lose control of the sentence, I just make up whatever they're talking about. After listening to all the racist stories from the last two podcasts, I really like your comedy bill. I have one. Did they really say that? No. Okay. I have one.

I wanted to share that I have always felt I lost. All right. Back in the 10th grade, I had a friend named Robbie. He happened to be one of the five black people in my high school. Oh Jesus. Here we go. I knew him for a few years and we had a few classes together. We both took some sort of technical drawing classes and sat next to each other.

After we became sort of friends, he thought it was okay to call me cracker, honky, etc. This must have been the 70s if you broke out honky. I'm pretty sure he stopped calling me by my real name and only by my racial slurs after a while. Seeing how I'm white and I'm pretty laid back, I didn't give a fuck about what he called me. Yeah. I mean, at that point, if every president was white at that point, you don't give a shit.

It doesn't carry as much water. So anyways, after about two weeks of being bombarded with racial slurs, see, I don't even consider those racial slurs. I just consider those, you know. I don't consider those racial slurs. Yeah. Hey white boy, that doesn't bug me. Hey fucking black guy.

Yeah, it doesn't bother me. I don't give a shit. Hey black guy. Yeah. Anyways, after about two weeks of being bombarded with racial slurs, I figured I would say it. Oh no. Well, okay.

Fuck him. He started. Yeah. Yeah. Yes. You know what it means. I figured that by saying it, it would all be in good fun and we would have a good laugh and it would be over.

Oh, I hope he buried it in the middle of a sentence. That's the only way. If he had, he needs a lot of words surrounding it. And he better not have said it with the R. Here we go. So one day, a great opportunity came along when I walked in the room and Robbie said, what's up my cracker? In my head, I was telling myself to let her rip. That's so close to get her done.

This isn't going to end good. So while I'm doing some sort of stupid hand shape, I replied to Robbie saying, what's up my N word? Instantly, without hesitation, Robbie's ancestral tribal warrior spirit kicked in. Next thing I knew, I was being manhandled by a black kid that was much bigger than me. The scuffle didn't last long and nobody got hurt. He said, what's up my cracker? And then you said, what's up my N word?

And that was a, that I met. That kind of seemed like comedically that would flow. Yeah. And it would be like funny and everyone would be like, everyone in school would be kind of like, wow. They have that kind of relationship that they can go back and forth with that. Well, it sounds like a really bad sitcom. It does.

All right, let's finish here. Here we go. After the fight, we got into a twisted debate on how I was somehow wrong for what I said and that Robbie wasn't. It was some, it was some complete bullshit, like a bunch of pussies afraid of appearing racist. None of the other white kids in my class had my back to this day. It still amazed me how sensitive people are when it comes to racist shit.

Robbie could clearly dish it out, but he couldn't handle any heat directed toward him. I didn't give a shit what he called me, but shit right there should have made up some shit. I didn't give a shit what he called me because I knew he was just joking around when I started to joke around. He flipped out. We still remain friends throughout high school to this day. I feel as if I didn't do anything wrong, but I still feel as if I lost the argument. What do you think?

I think that's one of those things where maybe because it was too many other white people around, but it was one of those things where he should have got at least two minutes for instigating on that one. Both get five minutes for fighting, one gets two minutes for instigating. Because I could see where if they were in private, they might have said that to each other and laughed. But if there's other people around, then his friend feels embarrassed and humiliated and like, oh, you're letting this guy say whatever you want.

But this kind of reminds me of when black people say that we shouldn't be so casual about the n-word because it makes white people think that you guys can just say it to us because we say it to each other all the time. You guys say it to each other all the time. I don't see what the big deal is. Rappers and stuff. You guys are constantly saying it. So it's like, you know, it's a problem if I say it.

It's clearly not the same thing. However, I do see that side of the argument where it's like, well, and a lot of it's from older black people too that are like, you know, you can't keep saying it like that because white people will think that we don't respect ourselves and so they shouldn't either, blah, blah, blah. All right. Let me go back to the white guy going, well, what you guys say to each other, blah, blah. That's just a racist, for the most part.

That's just a racist white guy. Trying to rationalize. Yes. Saying the n-word. No, I'm trying to rationalize. Trying to get away with it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No.

Okay. So I would say pretty much that's what that is. I never. I don't think his friend should have opened the door to use that kind of language. And I think his friend was kind of enjoying the fact that he could call him cracker and honky. I think he liked that, that he could just say that to him. And it might have been like some sort of subconscious like, yeah, see, I can say whatever

I want. You can't say shit to me. And then when he did, it was like, no, you can't, which isn't exactly fair. Well, it depends on how he said it. If he went a little high-pitched and tried to say it like funny, I think he could have done it. Like, what's his face? Do your impression of the P90X guy?

P90X? What did he say? How does he always greet the black guy on it? He'd just say like, no, no, say the white people first. He'd be like, hey, Sharon. He goes, hey, how you doing, Billy? How's it going, Tommy? Looking good.

How you doing, Nathan, my brother? Yeah. That's so fucking bad. That's just embarrassing. I was speaking of embarrassing. I asked last week who was the last white guy to win an NFL rushing title, and I actually got two interesting answers. Okay.

The last time a white guy won it for the conference, Mark Van Egan won it for the AFC in 1977, but Walter Payton won the overall rushing title, and Jim Otis won it in 1975. That doesn't sound like a white guy name, does it? No, either way with that one. Yeah. Otis Anderson. For the St. Louis Cardinals, he won it, and I think OJ Simpson won it that year. Speaking of white people.

I didn't know what he meant by that. I know. I don't know either. It was still funny. I was just picturing the woman he fucking married to. Oh my God. That just brought back when that verdict was read. We were watching it in high school, and I went to pretty much an all-white high school.

There was definitely some black people there, but not as many as the white people. So you guys like high-fiving as every other white person fainted? It was weird. Yeah, it was a weird thing because it's like, yeah, we were watching it in class when we should have been learning, but we're watching it in class. And then so the verdict, you can feel them wanting to be like, no, and then them looking at me and looking at maybe one other black person. And I remember this guy coming up to me, he goes, listen, I'm not racist.

And I go, oh, jeez. That black motherfucker killed that white bitch. He goes, but I think he should have gone to jail. And I was like, okay. And I said, well, he's not. And he goes, well. And then he just walked away. And they probably mumbled some other shit.

But he just felt the need to let me know. Right. Well, that's one of those things where black people being happy were the same. That was just like the white guy rooting for BYU because they just, you know, white guys have not succeeded in basketball. And you guys haven't done so well in the trials. Not so much. Yeah.

Throughout history. It was less about the fact that he clearly did it than the fact that, you know, No, he didn't because he wrote that book where he said if he was going to do it, this is how he would do it. It was totally different. But the book was totally different. The book never even came out. First pack of football cards I ever got.

OJ Simpson was the was the was the first one. And I fucking loved the guy. He betrayed you guys more than he betrayed us. Which is the ultimate irony. He, I can't even say what I, what, how I feel about that shit. But I'm going to tell you this. There was actually a picture somewhere in the attic of my life of me in second grade sitting on Santa Claus's lap with an OJ Simpson jersey on.

That says it all in a sticker on my hand because I had a good day at school or some shit. Oh, I just remembered another example of. In his black face. Well, let me, let me finish the rushing title. The last white guy to overall win a rushing title like no bullshit was 1962 Jim Taylor for the Green Bay Packers and he won it in between Jim Brown. I don't know what happened to Jim Brown that year, but so he won it. So there you go.

That that's essentially the pot. Yeah, it's a podcast for this week. I got to rest up to do my glee this week. You know what song I'm singing? No. What is it? I'm too embarrassed to even say. You shouldn't say let it be a surprise.

Let it be a surprise. All right. Just let everyone know when to tune in. It's the glee on the glee network. And what was, what's your last thing before I sign off here? Cause I got to upload this shit. No, I just wanted to talk about really quickly. I had a boyfriend in college and he, you know.

Okay, Nia. Thanks for coming on the podcast. No way. We had a great time. Hey, listen, I know I do have a couple more tops. I don't even have a fucking boyfriend in college. No, it has nothing to do with our relationship. It's when he was a little kid and he was dressed as a hobo for Halloween.

He was white, by the way. Um, and he put dirt on it. Like he wanted to put like brown makeup on his face to look like dirt. So he'd look like a dirty hobo and it looked like he was wearing black face. Oh, he went all out. So people were like, do you think all black people are homeless? And he was like, I just want to be dirty. Which made it even worse.

But it was hilarious. What's a funny story? It really isn't. No, you know, because the fact that he told you that story, I can see how far into the relationship you are, which means other things were going on, which I really didn't need to know. All right, here's one. Best teacher ever.

Listen to this guy. I got this from a teacher. Where the fuck was this guy when I was in high school? Hey Bill, first of all, I love your podcast and your stand up. Thank you. The reason why I'm writing to you is I'm a math teacher and I have a student who's a class clown. I really think he has the potential to be a great stand up comedian.

And I want to suggest that to him as a potential future for him. I don't think that academics is really his thing. What would be some good things slash advice to show slash tell him, right? Rather than being the asshole teacher be like, you sit there and shut your fucking mouth. Make him clap the erases or whatever the fuck these kids do nowadays. This guy's actually, actually wrote the guy back. I said what I always say, right? Five minutes of shit.

You think it's funny? Sign up for an open mic. When they call your name, go up on stage. And there you go. Don't judge yourself the first 10 to 15 times you do it. 10 times, I would say. That's all about being like, wow, I'm holding a microphone. I'm really doing that.

They really do have brick walls behind me as you're trying to remember your shit. But after 10 times, then you start getting a feel for it. And then everything else falls into fucking place. If they have a talent contest at a talent show at the school, he should do it too. No, he shouldn't. Why not? That's what I need to tell you under no fucking circumstances. Should you ever go on stage the first time you ever did stand up comedy in front of your

own fucking class? Oh my God. Oh, that's true because if it doesn't go well, it's going to be humiliating. So he should do it somewhere else away from so he can work it out so he doesn't bomb in front of all his friends. Everybody knows you. Everybody's going to heckle you and then you can eat your balls. That's why bombing on a cruise ship sucks because after you bomb, you can't leave.

You're just with the crowd and everybody just sits there looking at you. But at least the cruise is over in a week. This kid's got to finish off the fucking school year. But the love of God, if the teacher's listening, do not tell him to sign up for a talent fucking contest. Don't do that because that's the type of thing that could leave an emotional scar where the kid might not do it again for five years or never fucking do it again. You need an escape plan when you're going to go up and do that shit.

Believe me. The first time I ever fucking bombed, oh my God. Oh my God. It's fucking horrific. Where was the first time you bombed? That was in some fucking bar in North Reading, Massachusetts, I want to say. Some place Kelly's or something. It doesn't even exist anymore.

And I walked in and there was this function, this little half of the bar where you could sit down and eat fucking fish and chips, dude. And there was like nobody there other than other comedians and then like three fucking people who came to see another comedian. And then up at the bar were just guys drinking, like five people spread out amongst 15 chairs. You're eating your balls. Right. And I didn't know how to handle it.

And I went up there and I just bombed and said over, I was supposed to do five minutes. I bailed like two minutes in and said on the mic, I told you that. Yeah, I remember that story. I said to the host, Jack, I go, Jack, I'm bailing. And all the comics went, ah, and then I felt like a fucking pussy. And all I wanted to do was just walk off stage, get in my car and drive home. But I was so humiliated. I sat in the first fucking chair that was open, which was like two rows in and just sat there

with my head down, wanting to leave the whole time and sat there throughout the rest of the fucking open mic, like a scolded child. And then I drove home and cried classic German Irish rather than dealing with the emotion. I kept trying to put it outside of my body and it was just hanging in my car. The whole fucking was horrific. I can't imagine doing that and then doing it in front of your entire fucking class. It was horrific. Okay.

So that was bad. My bad. Bad advice. All right. YouTube, YouTube, YouTube fucking videos of the week. This one, Brad Garrett was on the Joe Bayhar show. And if you just want to see a fucking stand up comedian in complete, not given a shit mode, just going off, you got to watch this.

He's absolutely fucking hilarious. This guy is a true stand up comedian. Like I already loved him from the Ray Romano show. But when I watched this clip, this guy is the shit. And I would definitely go see him do stand up. This is what it takes to be a great comedian. This guy completely doesn't give a fuck. There's a bunch of people evidently watching it because he jokes that all his Ray Romano

money is gone saying he invested it into this comedy club. Like he was on a hit series for fucking 10 years. Like 10 years of syndicated money. That's how much it takes to open a fucking room in Vegas when you're in name. He's clearly joking, but people are like, is he broke? Is he doing heroin? Heroin. No.

What's great is he just, at one point he's throwing chips at people who were in Vegas. Say you go, you're white trash. He doesn't call the fuck. It's fucking hilarious. You got to see it. It's funny. All of these are going to be on themmpodcast.com. We put this one up last week, but I forgot to hype it.

Insane robot movie. You got to see this thing. It's just a clip from a fucking great movie. And also the greatest wrestling clip I've ever seen in my life. Nia says she wants her five minutes of her life back. This is the greatest thing I've ever seen in my life. The name of the video is the most illegal thing I've seen in wrestling history. You have to watch it.

It's fucking awesome. And quick overrated, underrated. Overrated. The black eyed peas. The bill. The black eyed peas are terrible. I'm pissed. I watched that halftime bullshit at the Super Bowl even on mute with the promise that it

was going to be something I didn't want to miss. They suck and that noise they call music is the worst crap ever. I walk out. I never watched the halftime shows. They're fucking horrific. They were very different before Fergie showed up. And I'll just leave it at that. Okay.

And if you know them, you know that what I'm saying is true. Yeah, you're blaming the white girl. Okay. Is it racist? Racist? Car sex. Underrated. Is often unappreciated.

LOL. There's nothing like pulling over on the side of a busy interstate and getting it on is what he says. Or stumbling out of a bar with some random chick you brought a few drinks for and convinced to leave with you going to a car and not even making out of the parking lot. It's just, oh, I'm in banging basic. It's just plain awesome. I purchased.

Let it go and loved it. Thank you. I would say that sex in a car was way better back in the day when they had bench seats and actually they made huge cars. But I think it's, I don't know. You know, I don't like the look in your eye. I don't like the fucking look in your goddamn eye. Okay.

And I'm not getting into a fucking personal life, but we don't have enough. We don't have enough memories. Wow. Yeah. The older cars are better because they have more room. You fucking gotta be kidding me. You know what? Why don't you get your trampy ass out of here?

Oh, please. You think I didn't realize that when I met you? Huh? I didn't realize. You know, you've had a sex life before. Right. I did. You got them right.

So what is the problem? It's what it took. Male whore meeting a female whore. You were a man whore. I was not. No, you were a man whore. I was always nice to the ladies. No, I wasn't.

Look at me. I look like fucking. How do you do it with a fucking? No, but you got that whole little like sexy, angry thing going on. Women like that. Listen, you know what I don't like? I don't like being pandering too. And they're too.

However the fuck you say it. Oh, here's one last quick thing. I always say I'm going to fucking end it. I never do. I don't like corporations selling your information. Hey, Bill, I've been listening to your podcast for a while now and think they're very entertaining and funny. I do have to admit, however, that every time, maybe I read this last week.

I can't remember. I'm just happy because I ended up being right here. I do have to admit, however, that every time you talk about the conspiracy theories and people tracking your electronic purchases and whatnot, I roll my eyes and wonder why you're so crazy. However, this is why I actually started reading better as I pause now and I look at the next three words and it fucking works out. It's like the king's speech.

Is that what that movie's about? Kind of, yeah. I'm not watching this. It's good. It's really, really good. It looks like it took place in another time. It did take place in another time. So it's a period piece about reading?

It's fucking horrific. Well, that's what I was just talking about. Whatever. Why don't you think about your time in that fucking LTD? However, recently, that's one of my favorite cars. You just ruined it. You know what? I'm going to have to tell a fucking story that's going to ruin something for you.

Let me think. What are you into? Going to the mall? Yes. One time I got the phone at the fucking, whatever. Orange Julius stand? No. However, recently I was browsing the internet and started noticing ads on every page that

directly related to something I had just purchased online. How fucked up is that? Now I knew things like this happened and that sites kept certain information about you. But I guess since I never saw any visual evidence of this, I simply put it in the back of my mind and never worried about it. However, now I had direct, in your face, evidence of being tracked. I have to say, I felt a bit violated. Yeah, it's weird.

Like somebody's just sitting there watching what the fuck you're doing. Anyways, he says, I think that the ads were specifically being put up for me on every website I went to, struck me as a huge invasion of privacy. And it was a bit unnerving. This was a week or two ago, and ever since then, I have become a bit paranoid about the amount of information that is out there about me. I thought about all the times I've entered my credit card information or home address online

in order to make some purchases, and went through every website I could think of to erase that information. Dude, it's over. It's already up there. I know once it's out there, it's impossible to take back, but I have to do what I can do. I've changed my email address, my old email address, had my full name in it.

Started shredding everything with my address on it and started using cash only to make purchases so that someone can track it, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. Yeah. Actually, somebody sent me an email the other day, some four-year-old kid got a, what do you call it, a credit card application from American Express. And weren't we talking about how if you use Gmail,

if you're having an email conversation with somebody and you mention something like, oh yeah, I'll meet you after I go to the spa. Next thing you know, there's all these ads for spa stuff. Google reads your email. It picks up on key phrases, and then just automatically pops up ads around it that you can correlate to the email that you just sent.

No, but for some reason, you're looking at an email like it's illegal for you to read my mail mail. Right. Like the old school shit. Right, but somehow online, they can just look at that because it's just, no. Now, this is what morons are going to say. Dude, I mean, it's just a computer program.

It's just picking up certain words. Like this is how you gradually work your way to having a microchip in your forehead is they just incrementally take away what they used to not be able to do. And then what happens is people die off. And then the new standard is where this new generation was born. It's like being taken off the gold standard,

where cash used to represent gold. You brought your gold and silver was heavy. It was dangerous, and it was a pain in the ass to carry around some banks who were like, well, bring this shit into us. We'll give you these pieces of paper, cash, that represent the gold. You give us $20 in gold, we'll give you a $20 bill.

And any time you want, you can come back down and fucking get your $20 in gold. And after a while, we just kept using the piece of paper. People forgot about the gold. The fuckers who brought the gold in died. They took us off the gold standard. Now you can't claim it. What happened to all that gold and silver?

Those fucking cunts, they kept it. They kept the shit. So that's what I'm saying about all this other stuff is all this stuff that you used to not be able to do. This people being born now will not remember a time when people couldn't just, when the government couldn't listen to and record every phone conversation you ever fucking had.

And I don't know, people get like, I don't know, this is a type of shit. If you talk about how people think you're fucking paranoid. Well, it's also the stuff that you put on Facebook and stuff becomes theirs. I don't care. I'm just picturing you in a goddamn car with your fucking hot ass feet

up against the fucking window. All right? No, this podcast is too goddamn long at this point. I already did like another 25 minutes other than this. It was like an hour and 15 minutes. You can cut off that part if you want. Which part? The part where we're talking about the stuff with the cars.

Why? It's probably the fucking best part of the podcast at this point. All right? I'm just giving take. In comedy, somebody's got to get hurt this week. It was me. Next time, is it going to be me? No, I wouldn't do that because I got to fucking live with you.

I got to live with you. That's it. Listen, I have to rest up my voice because I'm singing Macho Man in my fucking underwear tomorrow on Glee. That's it. Thanks for listening to the podcast this week and thanks to each and every one of you out there for making it number 52

on the podcast. Thanks again for the stars. That's right. I don't give a fuck. That's it. You guys have a good weekend. Congratulations to Green Bay. My condolences to Pittsburgh and everybody go fuck yourselves. All right, see you.

That was Prince of Ifte. Chocolade edges. Dollars in the promo. So here I am on my list. From all of us, I take two. No man, no way, with the Eric. From us, here we will pass. Ramadan Mubarak.

Enjoy passing in Ramadan with the surprising and diverse assortment of Albert Heijn. And look for the second episode on TheWerldInHetKlein.be That's it for Albert Heijn.