Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 2-7-22

Episode Date: February 8, 2022

Bill rambles about his show in Palm Springs, looks up 'NATO', and how to find a hot woman.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it is time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, February 7th, 2022. 2, 2, 2, 2022. 2,000 Doug Flutey. What's going on? Who else was 22? Was that Mike Bossy? I don't remember. Anyway, how are you? How was your weekend, man? I got to do my makeup gig last night. I'm recording this on Sunday at the Fantasy Springs Casino. And I got to tell you, man, that was the rowdiest old school fucking crowd. Not really rowdy. I just get fucking heckled and stuff. It was amazing. It just took me back like all, I don't know. It's been a while since I fucking pissed people off like that. It was only like two or three people. Somebody got fucking tased. I got to tell you something.

My hat's off to you. I exposed my bald head to everybody out there. You guys were not fucking around. You got after it. I was doing some bit about Rittenhouse. And I must have been some fucking guy. I don't know. The local chapter for the NRA. That guy was just like, not funny. Right? So we get into when I keep doing the, like I'm going to stop the joke now. It's like, Oh, fun time for me. So I keep going. I go even harder. And he's like, not funny. Right? So then he's so fucking mad. Like two jokes later, it's a completely different topic. And he just goes, still not funny. They ended up throwing the guy out. I had no idea. I had no idea that like it was, it was fucking unbelievable. He was acting

like for what I hear college gigs are like now. I haven't done one of those in a minute. But it was like, Jesus Christ, did you just take a woman studies class? Like, what is your fucking problem? I just, I, for the life of me, for the life of me, what the internet has done to people, I think the internet in this, this, this fucking never ending pandemic bullshit here, which I don't even know where we're at right now. We're supposed to wear masks now. I don't even know anymore. Like I was at the playground today with my kids and I'm just like, what are we doing here? Is it, we're outside? Is the Omicron like a fucking cold? Like what the fuck is going on? And this is, you know, this is all my

fault because I have muted all of that chatter on my social media and I highly, highly recommend it. I went on Twitter and you're able to just pick the top, you click on the topic, mute this topic and I muted it and it was fucking amazing. You know what I mean? It was like your parents are not yelling at each other anymore. They like left the house so they're like in a good mood or something. That's what it becomes. And anybody who was talking about that shit and pontificating, I just muted all of it and it just all went away and social media became fun again. It was just clips of people being silly, trying to be funny, sports clips and just shit like that, jokes, having a great fucking time. So anyway, this

fucking guy got his ass thrown out. I don't know, like I was probably like three bits in about 10 minutes into the show. I can kick the guy out somewhere in there. Somebody did something that they ended up getting tased. And I got to tell you, whoever got tased took it like a fucking man or a woman because I didn't hear it. You would think if somebody got tased, even if it was in the back row here, you'd hear that. I watch all those people who decide to let themselves get tased. There's two people. They scream like I would scream or they do that, that internal, they just go, they just fucking face plant. Like somebody that's squatted with too much weight. What is the fuck? What's going on with that, by the way?

There's something about doing back exercises or squatting. It always seems to be like that forward bend. And then you just, you bent at the waist and you pick up the barbell with that reverse grip, like one on the front, one on the back. And then you like stand up. And then you just, you lift the weight. And then for some reason, everybody in young has to do the 300 yell if they accomplish anything, you know, letting everybody know what a beast you are. So they just lift it up. They just go like, and then they drop it. And then they walk two steps and they just face plant into all the other dumbbells. I'll tell you, of all the places to face plant, you don't want to be near a fucking workout rack, that in

a bathroom, porcelain tile, that is just fucking split your head open territory. You know what I mean? If I was still a young man and I was fucking able to lift that kind of fucking weight, I do it in my living room and I have a couch right in front of me. So then I just go, I would just wake up face down and pillows instead of waking up with a fucking split skull and half like a number 15, you know, whatever fucking pound weight you ran into. So anyway, whoever that was shout out to you. And then some poor woman, I guess maybe, you know, there was a casino comp and she to one point just yelled out, stop making fun of women. And I was just like, no, I'm doing my jokes. And then I was kind of like, like, who did

you think you were coming to see? Like, this has kind of been a track record thing for me. And I'm also trying to do an uplifting bit about feminism. If you let me get to the end of it, I'm trying to say that, you know, you guys have the numbers and you're smarter than us. You're just not letting me get to the end of it. But I don't know. Looking back, I probably should have said like, yeah, you're right, I haven't been going a little hard. Why do you think I'm doing that? And I could have got it. I could have had a much better conversation with her. And then she ended up leaving. But the rest of the people were all amazing and fantasy springs was awesome. I love going out to places like that. I love

doing those fucking casino gigs that aren't at the casino. You know what I mean? Like on the, you know, I like doing Vegas strip who double comedian doesn't. But I like those other ones are fun as shit. They're just always fun crowds. A few people got too rowdy. But I mean, Jesus Christ, somebody out there actually has a story. I went to a comedy show and got tased. Like, how does that happen? Whatever. But what all it did was just make me understand how bad people want to get out of the house. And everybody's just fed up with this shit and just want it to be over. So I don't know, I muted everything, but I feel like it's sort of burning out. I don't know. I don't know. That's me weighing in. There's my medical

opinion. I feel like it's kind of burning itself out. Hopefully. Hopefully that's what is that is what happens. So anyway, old freckles has an acting gig coming up. And I'm putting together this, this movie that I wrote with a buddy of mine. You know, who knows? I, you know, these things, they can fall apart in any second. So who knows? I'll let, you know, know what happened, but I have never realized how easy I had it just being an actor, just showing up like the amount of work and how hard everybody has to fucking work. I did a pass of the script where they're going like, okay, and like they, every single prop, you just take it for granted. They'll just be like, okay, in this scene, you know, what was it?

A grill says he has a grill in the backyard. This character, what do you think? Does he have a charcoal grill? Does he have a gas grill? Is it one of those gas grills that goes, you know, gets the gas from the house? Or does he have one of those little fucking things you go down to Home Depot for? I always forget what you call those things. You know, what kind, what is it? Silver? Is it one of those black ones? I mean, literally the whole fucking script. What kind of couches do you think this character has in this house? It is just an astounding amount of work. So, and thank God, I have a bunch of, I have a beast of a lineup of department heads helping me out with this stuff. But I'm just sitting there going like, I just, I had no idea.

I mean, I knew it was a lot of work, but I had no fucking idea. But I'm also having a good time doing it. So, having said that, you know, I haven't had a chance to fly a helicopter in a while. So I went up today with my instructor and took it out, flew it around the yard having had a fucking blast. Just had a blast. It was a perfect day. There was nobody up there. And we flew out of the valley and then we just went around, went around like, I don't know, out to Glendale and then came back around Hollywood, right by the fucking Capitol Records building, and then all the way out to the beach, up through Malibu, up over the fucking mountains, right by the Ronald Reagan library, Barry library. You can tell me how many times I've gone to a library.

I can't even say the fucking word. Uh, that's yeah, that would take me out of a spelling bee library. L I E B E R R Y library. Man, what do they do? Don't they like ring a bell? It's a weird sound in the spelling bee when you're out. It sounds like you got it right. Like ding. Oh, yeah. That would be the best. Just show up as a moron. You spell it wrong. And then you hear like the fucking thing and you act like you think you actually legitimately think you get it right. You do the gym, Florentine. Yeah. And you go back over to sit down and then somebody has to come over and be like, no, no, buddy, it's over. It's over for you. You're going to be a ditch digger. What do I do now? You got a buddy of yours, yours that cleans up the ads starting

his own fucking landscaping business. That was a big gig when I was a kid, landscaping, landscaping, riding in the back of the truck and just going into old people's yards and fucking cleaning them up. Just absolute backbreaking work even in your teens and your 20s. That fucking job. Jesus Christ. The few times I did that, that really made me think I should have applied myself in school. I now know what these people were talking about. Jesus Christ. You know, I'm not talking about landscape design, horticulture, that type of shit. I'm just talking landscaping. Bare bones come over here, mow the lawn, rake it up, rake up the leaves, edge it, do all of the fucking spread in the peat moss, shovel it out into a fucking wheel

barrel. I mean, I don't know how they do it nowadays. They probably have drones doing it, but like when I was a kid, you showed up and you cut off jean shorts, you know, for some reason, everybody had a knife, you know, one of those fucking knives on their fucking belts. And then you just walked around with your cut off jeans, right? And your socks and your work boots. And by like nine in the morning, all the hair on your legs was just covered like, it was like this dirt mist on your fucking legs. I just remember eating sandwiches on the back of the truck and your nails would just be like, just black, you know, and then being a redhead, like I just couldn't do it. It's the same reason

why I don't golf. I just, you know, I could landscape at night, you know, if they had nighttime golf courses, which I'm sure they have somewhere, maybe in Alaska during that time of year, you know, when it's always fucking dark for most of the year, I could handle that. But yeah, I just, I just was not built for any of that shit. So anyway, yeah, but, but leading up to Fantasy Springs, I want to make sure my act was up to speed. I tried out all this new shit at the comedy store and just had, I just had the best fucking time trying out all the new shit and God, I got this new one I'm so excited about. And it just did not go well at Fantasy Springs. It went well, it didn't go as well as I wanted it to. It's just like, fuck, all right, gotta go try it again, figure out what I

said, I should take my sets, but I never do. So anyway, this is always like a tough weekend as a sports fan, you know, when the pro bowls on, it just lets you, there's all that excitement from the AFC, NFC championship game. Holy shit, the Cincinnati Bengals, who saw them coming? And the Rams, are they going to redeem that, that loss to the New England Patriots? Is their boy wonder coach going to get that ring and silence this critics, right? And just week after Patrick Mahomes and all these guys, they're all going to, they're going to get back and all of this shit. And oh my God, that Bill's chief's game, fucking unbelievable, especially if you're not into defense, right? Fucking crazy, all amped up.

And then there's just that, they just fucking back off. At least they put the, they used to put the pro bowl after the two week break between the championship games, the conference championship and the super bowl. Now they put the pro bowl in the middle. And I just, I refuse to watch the fucking pro bowl. Like watching contact sports, all star games, pro bowls, it's just like they're going to go half speed. Like I watched 10 minutes of the NHL all star game. When I was watching it, I thought these were like old timers or college players. They were skating so fucking slow. It was three on three, which is so fucking exciting when they're playing, but they were just like, I saw one guy go out and do a shift. It's like, that guy's not even going to have to take a

fucking shower at the end of this game. He just was just gliding around. He looked like he was at a fucking public skating rink, but I get it. I get it. They're risking millions of dollars and all of this type of shit to go out and play a game that doesn't matter. I could, I kind of gathered that there was something, there was some sort of carrot. They were dangling something about a million dollars. I don't know what, I don't know what it was. Somebody, Mark Messier and who else was on it? Chris Chelyos, you know, to the superstars from when I was a kid to my, you know, I liked Chelyos after he left the, the Canadians just as a Bruins fan. I couldn't admit how much I liked that guy. He's just a great fucking player. I think he played Chicago

in Detroit, played forever. But those are the three teams I remember him on. But anyways, they mentioned something about a fucking million dollars or something. I don't know what it was, but I was, I couldn't watch the fucking game. I feel like the MLB All-Star Games are good one. Because the pitches go in, you know, they're only pitching for an inning so they can go hard and they don't want to give up a fucking home run. And then all the batters, you know, they don't want to go up there and strike out. I just feel like, you know, because it's like one-on-one picture versus batter, they know everybody's watching so they can't go there and like not perform. Plus, they're not going to get tackled. They're not going to blow out a fucking ACL. NBA All-Star Games

is another good one. You know, you get to see all these guys just doing shit. You would never do any game. There's no defense who gives a fuck. It's fun. But the NHL All-Star Game, NHL All-Star Game and the fucking Pro Bowl stink. Sorry to say that because those are my two favorite sports. All right, there. I said it. So anyway, next week is the Super Bowl and I think I'm going to bet the, I think I'm going to bet the fucking, the Bengals, you know? I don't know. That offensive line. Just somehow give Joe Burrow time. He's going to, I think he's going to be fine. I think the, I think the Bengals have good enough defense. And if that wasn't the lamest analogy of the game, then I don't think you watch football. Whatever. I'm an LSU fan. That's why I'm betting on the

Bengals because I like Joe Burrow. That's it. It's all the risk. All right. I don't want to tell you. But it should be a great game. Last I checked was only like a three point spread. I saw this thing on Real Sports where they were sitting there talking about how fucking you can actually gamble on the game at the stadiums now. I mean, they're literally turning it into the track, the fucking Pro Bowls in Vegas. You know, my whole life growing up, they just steered clear of all of that shit. And they would never, ever in any sport dream of, you know, putting a game in Vegas because it was still run by the mob in the seventies. And they're like, they're going to get their fucking hooks in on a player and they're going to start throwing games. And we're going to

have a 1919 Chicago white socks scandal. That's one of my missions in baseball to stop calling them the black socks. It was the Chicago white socks that did that call them the black socks. It sounds like it's a team that no longer exists. They did that shit. And what's funny was they never got called for like the curse. They were never considered cursed. You know, we sold Babe Ruth because we were, you know, our owner was into the arts. He wanted to put on a musical, you know, actually entertain the good people in New York. And he gave him Babe Ruth to boot. It was a nice gesture I felt by the red socks, but we were considered cursed. Fucking white socks throw the world series, make all these little white kids around America. Boy, oh boy, I love

baseball. Oh, Joe say it ain't so. They're big stupid paper root hats and everything crying in the fucking crowd. And they were never considered cursed, but the Cubs were because somebody wasn't allowed to bring their farm animal into a stadium. I never understood why the white socks didn't get more shit for that. And I think it was the brilliance that they called it the black socks. And they just fucking stepped away. It wasn't us. That was the black socks. And now we're the white socks again. And that was it. They got away with the whole thing. And I'm here to rip the cover off this scandal. Sorry. Anyway, Oh, Billy Freckles is finally eating well. Finally losing weight. All right, my little cunt belly, my little baby pooch is starting to finally fucking go down.

And I don't know. We'll see. We'll see. You know, I got to get I got to get I got to get a fucking What did I do the other day? I went to a fitting on the movie. I was like, he got to be fucking kidding me. You know, I tell you what, this is one of the worst things for this country that has happened in, in, in, in, I don't know how many years. All right. Was when they started making jeans with the elastic waist, the waistband, like, who is that helping back in the day when you started putting on weight, those fucking jeans dug into you and they left a fucking red mark borderline welt. Okay. And you knew that you had one of two choices. You either started eating a fucking salad,

or you had to start pushing those things south. Now, you know, I know a lot of the wrappers and all of that get credit for that style, but you know, for wearing your pants down below your dick. And I'm here to tell you that there was a lot of fatties that did that first. It's still confitted 32 inch G, you know, just pushing it down your fucking body. So I actually moved a notch down on my belt. It's a little tight, but I'm, I should be there by the end of the week. And then, uh, then I said, that's the last notch of my belt. And I, I gotta, I gotta, I gotta stop this shit, guys. I don't know. I always thought if I quit drinking that, you know, the weight would come off and it does initially, but then you're just so fucking bored.

You got to do something, you know, you miss the fucking rush. You know, stupidest thing I ever did was I went out, I ordered malt off the internet and I started making myself chocolate malts like once a week, I would have one, you know, combine and then that would just get all the sugar in me and then I would want salt and the next, you know, the next day I'm at like eating a fucking Italian sandwich or something. And I'm not, I'm not gonna lie to you, I had a lot of fun getting this out of shape, but it is not fun walking the fucking road back. I can tell you that right now. Anyway, my son set off my car alarm today. The kid is hilarious. He gets anything in his hand with buttons. He gets the remote control. He just starts pushing all the buttons

and he's looking at the screen. You know, one day I was backing my car out and as I was backing out, I just heard, boom, right? And the fucking gate closed on my car. I'm like, what in the, how the fuck did I hit the gate? It was cool. He, and I'm standing look up at him and he's still pushing the button like with all of his might. He's just pushing the fucking remote out. Fucking fucked up my door. So today he was playing with my car keys. I just let him, he was pushing the buttons and the fucking, you know, locks were going on and off. I'm like, all right, buddy, all right, buddy. And then also the keys set off the alarm. And I had never done that with the, with the thing. And I was pushing the buttons and I couldn't get it to get off. I

finally had to get in the car and go to start it up and it shut it off. And I got out, you know, he was crying because he didn't like the noise. And then after he stopped crying, he just looks at me and he just starts going, he literally goes, beep, beep, beep. It's like, wow. He learned a new word. Good for you, buddy. He's talking. He's talking now. It's awesome. He can say everybody's names. My favorite word he says is apple. I'll be like, buddy, say apple. And he just goes, apple. He really hits the first hard and then the first hard and then he lets it taper off and it's the coolest thing ever. Say apple, buddy. Apple. He's the best. All right. Let's, let's do some advertising here for this week, ladies and gentlemen.

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Stop showing off, dude. The fact that you could write that sentence in your third language, aren't you fucking fancy? I'm jealous. I'm admitting it. All right. It's hilarious to listen to Americans view of the Russian Ukraine air quote conflict. You know what, buddy? It's fucking hilarious to listen to you dumb cunts talk about a fucking country. You live on the other side of the world. You don't know what the fuck's going on over here. I am so sick of people in other countries acting like they're not a bunch of fucking mouth, breathing morons that are at the mercy of whatever information that they're getting. All right. So fuck you and your fucking three languages that I'm impressed with. Just, just give me the information. I get it. We're on

the other side. We're in a fucking island over here, man. The fuck do you know about the NHL? Nothing. I'm not going to give you shit about it. All right. Are you comparing the national hot hockey league to international policies and possible war? Yes, I am. Yes, I am. You know why? Cause that's how awesome it is over here. All right. Anyways, he's giving us shit here. In fact, it's an, it's an, it's a ongoing war since 2014. Oh, I watched this documentary. I thought you guys all went on Facebook and told the Russians to go home and they were so embarrassed that they did. That didn't happen. Russia was the one who invaded the Ukraine. Americans are forgetting that there is more than just Western imperialism.

No, we're not forgetting that. We're just not up on the Ukraine. You guys haven't had a hit in a while. Okay. When a fucking world cup or bomb somebody and then we'll know more about you. I'm sorry. Jesus Christ, you're like a punk band. You're like the punk band version of a country over there. You know, that's how it fucking works. Why don't you intelligently talk to me about some countries that I don't, I can't even name in South America. Listen, buddy, I have world news on mute. Okay. I can't listen to this shit. I can't watch human beings. I hate that Russia's doing this shit to you. All right. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I don't have all the fucking facts. I'm an ocean away from you. Americans are forgetting that there is, Jesus Christ, you're going to make a great wife

someday. You just stay on topic. Just keep berating. Americans are forgetting that there is more than just, okay, Western imperialism. There are also Russian and Chinese. Look at the Chinese getting some shit there. All right. For once, it's not just us. I have lived next to Russia all my life due to the chicks as hot as they say. Sorry. I'm just going to ask dumb American questions. We are used to Russia bullying its neighbor all the time. Russians divide and conquer policies are forcing countries to join NATO. Finland, for example, Finland, which by the way, uh, defeated Russia in World War II, right? But they were in bed with old fucking H town over there. So they still had to give up part of that country. They won that one fair and square. Finland,

for example, is usually pretty neutral in its geo geopolitical stage. That's probably because they won a war and still had the loss because of the fucking broad they got in bed with in World War II. But now the support to join is raising. Also, what seems to be lost to most people is that NATO had joined military exercises with Russia in the nineties. What do you mean they joined them? I thought it was just a bunch of suits telling people what to do. I'll be honest with you. What is that? The North American trade organization, treaty organization? Yeah, many times I've said NATO like anyone is talking about that violates the NATO fucking agreement because I heard somebody say that NATO meaning. All right, here we go. North American treaty

organization. All right. Oh, this was to avoid any more world wars. Well, get mad at the fucking Germans for throwing two keggers last fucking century. They're the reason this fucking thing exists. The North Atlantic North, I said North American North Atlantic Treaty Organization was created in 1949 by the United States, Canada, and several Western European nations to provide collective security against the Soviet Union. Oh, I didn't know that. Sorry. I thought it was the Germans. NATO was the first peacetime military alliance the United States entered into outside of the Western Hemisphere. After the destruction of the Second World War, the nations of Europe struggled to rebuild their economies and ensure their security. The former required a massive

influx of aid to help the war torn landscapes, reestablish industry and produce food and the latter required assurances against a resurgent Germany or incursions from the Soviet Union. The United States viewed an economically strong, rearmed and integrated Europe as vital to the prevention of communist expansion across the continent. So look at that. We came over and we helped you rebuild and protected you against Russia. And what do you guys do? How do you repay us? You just make a bunch of fat jokes. How quickly you fucking sons of bitches forget. All right, sorry. I didn't know any of that two seconds ago. I think I had to memorize that one time for a test. So no, NATO is not to blame in this case. Well, then why did I just read all of that

shit? Wait, wait, okay. NATO had joined military exercises with Russia. Oh, wait a minute. They were, they were, they were all now I get it. They were organized to stop these guys and now they're in bed with them. This is like a soap opera since Putin. Oh God, what a hockey player he is in power has been refusing any corporate cooperation. So no, NATO is not to blame in this case. In fact, it's the only deterrent to Russia land grabbing more land. Just out of curiosity, how much bigger does Russia have to get? I mean, they're like the fucking, they're like a super store, except they're a country. They're fucking gigantic. Is that because so much of it is snow? Wait a minute, does global warming? Oh my God,

Russia is going to be amazing. All of that shit. And then you can't send people to Siberia. That's like going to be like sending them to the fucking Bahamas. Wait, are you going to tell me that Russia is behind global warming at the end of this? All right, I'm just going to keep going here. P.S. Soviets were the one calling everyone disagreeing with them fascists, aka Nazis, before the SJWs. What are the SJWs? Jesus Christ, internet slang.com. SJW, single jerk women. What does that mean? Oh, social justice warriors. Oh yeah, I know. It's fucking as a liberal. It's really those guys are the most embarrassing of the liberals. They're the Jerry

Springer guest of liberals. Thanks for the content. Go fuck yourself. All right, I know I gave you a lot of shit. I appreciate you and your three fucking languages. And for breaking that down, I bet a lot of my listeners understood a lot more than I did. So Russia's been fucking with the Ukraine since 2014. They invaded the Ukraine. The Americans are forgetting. Okay, blah, blah, blah. Russia's dividing conquer policies are forcing countries to join NATO. Why would they want them to join NATO? Wait, did Russia eventually join NATO the way drug companies put their own people in the FDA? Is that what happened? Hold on a second. NATO members. Okay, Albania, Belgium, Bulgaria, Canada, Croatia, Czech Republic, Denmark,

Estonia, France, Germany, Greece, Hungary, Iceland, Italy, Latvia, Lithuania, Luxembourg, Montenegro, Netherlands, North Macedonia. Oh, the southern Macedonians. They don't want to be a part of anybody's party. Norway, Poland, Portugal, Romania, Slovakia, Slovenia, Spain, Turkey, United Kingdom, and the United States. Wait a minute. So who the fuck did they grease? Oh, because they're dividing and conquering people, this is making countries join NATO. Oh, all right. I'm sorry for everybody who's been screaming that at me for the last five minutes in your car. Whatever. It's got to make you feel better. This is all I'm just here to make you guys feel better. I just meant to make you laugh. I want to make you feel smarter

just to begin your week. That's all. That's all I'm trying to do here. Ukraine slash Russia. Dear Billy, two tone. I don't even know what that means. I like it. Tommy, two tone. The Russian Ukraine issue was misrepresented last week in an email you read. The US is using NATO to put pressure on Russia. Russia is flexing the way we do in the Middle East, which is why people think it's hypocritical for the US to act like they care. Well, no one cares. No one cares. No one cares. People care about themselves. That's what I have learned in my travels. There's in people that really care about other people are not really and have any sort of sense of power and they actually understand life more so than people

who are in power. Or maybe I'm oversimplifying being in a powerful position. There's just a lot of fucked up people out there and they like power and they get it and then they do fucked up shit. Right? I know the US doesn't care. US didn't give a shit about Americans in like hurricanes. I get it. I get it. Both D and R, they don't give a shit about people with mental illness. They shut down all the fucking nut houses and just threw those people out on the street. They're living under bridges. It's fucking crazy. I understand that. Both D and R parties, Democratic and Republican parties, are pushing for this mobilization of NATO troops. Funny how military action is the only thing both parties can ever agree on. And the fun part of,

that's how they make their money. And the fun part about this hot topic is that if you speak against the use of troops and mobilizations, you're somehow pushing Russian propaganda. Well, what are they supposed to do? I think you have psychos running both countries and they know what either side's going to do and they want to be the psycho that's in charge. That's what I think. Is that what you think, Bill? No. It's just the first thing I thought of and then I said it. All right, bank robbery story. All right, let's get out of this fucking international. Jesus Christ. All right, bank robbery story. When I was in university, Jesus Christ, that's one of the

most pretentious beginnings of a fucking sentence ever. But I know this is from a different country. When I was in university, I worked part-time as a teller. If you go to a community college, you have to start saying that. If you went to a community college. Where'd you go to college? When I was in university, I was on the Hill of Bunker. When I was in university, I worked part-time as a teller at a bank here in Toronto. I was talking about bank robberies last week and how you could rob a bank with just a note. And has anybody called anybody out? Give me all the money. I have a gun. All right. And then you just write back, fuck off unless you show me it. Then they just have to walk out of the bank. I work part-time as a teller at a bank here in Toronto. One morning

when the bank just, that's a great beginning to a movie. Fuck off until you show me. And he pushes it, right? And then the guy on the other side pulls out a gun, tries to shoot, shoots through the glass. But the guy who said, show it to me, ducks. And then the manager gets fucking one right in the head. Then what happens? I don't know. There's a love interest. When I was in university, I worked part-time as a teller at a bank here in Toronto. One morning when the bank just opened and relatively, and relatively empty, two men mass came in screaming saying they had guns, hands in their hoodie pockets pretending like they had guns, the fucking balls that takes to risk your freedom. And then not, what if there's a guy in there that has a gun?

Anyway, they walked over to the vault and tried to open it. When they realized the vault was locked, they ran out of the bank. The dumb fucks assumed it was like a movie where the vault door would open and there would be a pile of cash just sitting there. The best part of the story is they ended up getting caught no way about an hour later based on a witness seeing them flee. These dickheads got charged and went to jail without a loony to show for it. I guess that means any money, some loot, all the best and go Leafs and Raptors. Toronto fan. All right, good luck to both your teams there. Wow, I bet they don't tell that story in prison. What are you in prison for robbing a bank? How'd you do it? You know, I'll tell you later. They never tell you how much I like your

shank. Dad robbed a bank. Wow. Dear Billy, baby back, ball sack, burr. All right, you went with the long one there. I want my baby back, baby back, baby back, baby back, baby back, baby back, baby back, ball sack, baby back, baby back, baby back, baby back, baby back, baby back, baby back, baby ball sack. That's a tough one to do. Long time listener, first time caller. Thanks for making my drive to work suck less. That's that's all I'm here for. You're definitely not here to be educated. I've listened to you discuss bank robberies recently. And that made me think of this story. My dad, my dad who's past now was a fucking badass when he was younger. He and my mom did a good job of hiding his transgressions from me as a kid. But when he found out that he had all

sarmors and was going to lose his mental capacity, he decided to sit me down and tell me a bunch of crazy shit he did as a kid before he forgot about it. Was he worried that he was going to babble about it? That's pretty cool that he acted like he was just a straight lace guy. Anyway, he was a very intelligent guy. He worked for the family car salvage yard, which had its start through less than legal means. I'm not fucking with you. He could look at a car, a car key someone was holding in their hand and he could cut a copy from a memory later on, which he would use to steal the car and strip it for parts. I mean, there's another great character for a movie. He almost got caught when he did this to his girlfriend at the time's father. He stole his dad's car. Jesus, his girlfriend's

dad's car. Wow. What took the cake though was his bank robbery story. When he was 18, he had a buddy who worked at his town's bank. Long story short, they plotted a robbery. My dad was let into the vault by his friend and he walked out with a duffel bag containing 400,000 in cash and broad daylight. Carried it down the street and everything. My dad hid the money and they were going to split it once things cooled down. At the time, he set the state record for the largest bank heist. Yeah, things are not going to cool down. Unfortunately, the FBI got involved. Gee, who saw that coming? This was a large sum of money, obviously 400K than is worth 1.5 million today and his parents got suspicious because he was acting

weird. That's what they thought. They didn't think, is he gay? Did he get his girlfriend pregnant like the usual shit? Is he doing drugs? They're like, he's acting strange. I wonder if he robbed a bank. Dude, you got a badass family tree. If that's what they think, allegedly his parents got him to admit to them what he did and they called the FBI. The FBI came out and basically scared him into ratting on his friends like a little bitch. He did it as a result. Neither of them got any jail time. Sounds like a white story here. They just had to return the money. He never gave up where he had hidden the money. So whether or not the full sum was returned or not is unclear, but I hope he at least kept a little. Fuck the banks. Bill, I swear to God, I thought he was

fucking with me until I found multiple newspaper articles about the robbery and named him by name confirming all of this. I was blown away. Is there any way that you can confirm that he could actually look at a car key and cut it from memory? I mean, I don't know anything about cutting keys, but that seems like, I thought he, I was just making sure he wasn't an old man, putting a little mustard on the story there. Anyway, he was a great dad. He was a great dad to me. He turned his life around and I couldn't have asked for a better role model growing up. That's great. I miss him, but remember him fondly as a father and as a fucking badass when he was young. How many people out there can say their dad set a state record? That's exactly how you should

bring it up. And they'll be thinking you're talking about track. Be like, no, he robbed a bank for the most money at that time, 400 grand. So why don't you tell me about your mother's fucking pie? All right. Thanks and go fuck yourself. All right. I was a dictator. If I was a dictator of Australia, I like that these are getting more specific. I want to hear, I want to hear some, I know people in China are listening to this thing. I want to hear what you would do as a dictator in China, how you would handle it, what you would be doing. If I was a dictator in China, I would demand that I have those unbelievable dumplings. I can't even tell you how many times I think of those. When you go to China, everybody wants to go see the Great Wall. Go have their

food. It is fucking unbelievable. It's like a cloud. All right. If I was a dictator of Australia, Hey, Billy, bald balls. First, I will get a baseball bat with a lot of nails in it. Let me explain why. While most politicians, this is such an Australian way of beginning your rule, a baseball bat with a bunch of nails in it. It's not enough that it's a bat. It's got to have nails sticking out of it, which I actually think is dumb when there's multiple attackers, because if you hit somebody with it, it's going to get stuck in their meat for a minute, the meat of their back, and then you're trying to pull it out of their love handle, and you're going to fucking catch a fresh one. While most politicians tend to be self-serving

snakes, meet Angus Taylor. I'm already in his name's Angus. I'm in member of the current ruling party, the liberals. Angus used taxpayer money to buy water entitlements from a company he set up in the Cayman Islands for 80 million. Did he go to jail? Nope. He claims he doesn't have a financial interest in the company, so all good there. It's not worth noting that he's listed as a director of the company in question. This treasonous piece of shit gets the bat. Oh, I guess not all Anguses from Australia are cool, but I have to save plenty of energy for the chief arsehole, our prime minister. A couple years ago, we had some really bad bushfire and huge parts of Australia were on fire. Rather than putting measures in place to fight the fires, our prime minister thought it would be a

good time to take his family on holiday to Hawaii. Whenever you book a vacation, something always comes up. I don't care what level you're at. It's just society. You know what I mean? It's just a society. I almost got lost in that word there. However, by far the worst thing he's done in my opinion, he's a member of happy clappy church, of a happy clappy church called Hillsong. Think Joel Olstein. Think Joel Olstein. I just love that expression. Happy clappy church. Yay. Another Florentine shout out. And in the middle of COVID lockdown last year, when none of us could even go across state lines to visit family, our prime minister gave permission to the head of Hillsong. Oh, God, that's such a creepy name to leave the country to set up a branch in Mexico.

Well, yeah, he's lining his fucking pockets. And he's not giving them wafers. Was Brian Houston? It says, was Brian Houston head of Hillsong doing the Lord's work? Oh, sorry. Nope. He was being investigated for covering up his dad's kitty fiddling. Then our treasonous sack of shit prime minister let him out of the country. Yeah, I mean, this is how they let him slide. You know, if your buddy committed a crime and the cops show up and you know he's hiding under the table, what do you say? Have you seen him? No, I have not. They just do it up at a higher level. They're us with power. So if I was a dictator, I would take HGH so I don't get tired from swinging my bat of justice. If there is a silver lining, Brian Houston is about to be charged.

You crushed it as Mayfield. Thank you. It's actually Mayfeld, but I'll, you know, Mayfield, all right. Really great stuff. Thanks and go fuck yourself. All right, I appreciate it. Being ugly sucks. Don't I know it? Hello, Bill Burka. Just wanted to say thank you for the podcast. Been listening for the past two years and it's one of the little bright spots in my life that I cherish. Well, isn't that nice? Person goes on to say now let's get set. I was recently courting this lady who I thought I had a genuine connection with. Oh, gee, what could go wrong? Here's my heart. What do you have to say? We hooked up on the first date. However, during the second date, I got cold vibes and could tell she was not feeling it.

Well, you should have walked, you know, deniro and heat. You should have just left. After the date, I asked, Hey, I felt like I should have made a move, but was getting mixed signals. And when she replied, it was good. You didn't as I am also seeing someone else. And I don't want to lead you on. Oh, I see. All right. My question is, how does an ugly guy like me ever hope to find love when all the girls I thought were a little interest just end up friendzoning me? First of all, she didn't friendzone you. You hooked up with her on the first date, right? I have experienced love once and was generally happy, but the relationship broke down because her parents didn't approve of my ethnicity, a running theme in my life as I am an Asian male.

On top of that, no one really wants to set me up with friends as I am not a real, really a looker. Case in point, my buddy just got out of a relationship and has been instantly hooked up with girls who want to see him. Well, I've been alone for three years now. Jesus Christ, you weren't kidding. Now let's get sad. You got a sense of humor though, buddy. You're still in the game. If you can make them laugh, you're in the game. In a society that's hyper focused on look, aesthetic and height, how can this little Asian man hope to find a girl who doesn't just reject me right away? Sorry if this sounds a little deranged. It doesn't. I feel for you. I feel for you. I've been struggling with these thoughts for my whole life. Now I'm a 21 year old male,

dude. You got your whole life ahead of you. All right. Get your head out of the oven. Hang on a second. Any advice would mean a lot and hopefully shine a little light at the end of the tunnel. All right. First of all, you're a man. It doesn't matter what you look like. All right. It matters about what's in your wallet. Now right now, what I'm going to give you advice. Okay. If you want advice on how to find love, don't listen to this, but if you just want a fucking hot woman, all right, you need to make money. Hot chicks don't give a fuck what you look like. They know they're hot, but they know they're only hot for a certain amount of time. So they want to get what the fuck they can get. I'm not saying all hot women. I'm just saying

almost all of them. All right. So they want a guy that's making fucking money. All right. You start making money. But then the thing about it is, dude, is then you got to start, I believe the kids say flossing. Is that what they say? You got to go out there and you got to, you got to, you got to stunt. Is that a word? Is that what the kids say? Way back 50 cent. Right. He said, he taught us all how to stunt, didn't he? I think that's what he claimed it. Anyways, I don't know if he was being like Al Gore when he claimed to invent the internet, but I believed him when he said it. I was impressed. It's a hell of a video. You're just going to, I'm giving you advice on how to attract a whore. All right. This is what

you need to do. First of all, you need to feel better about yourself. Okay. If you're walking around like fucking Charlie Brown, you know, with your head looking down at your fucking loafers. Yeah. Women don't want to bang that. Women like excitement. All right. If you're not excited about yourself, no, what else is going to be? You ever see somebody selling a fucking piece of shit car? They make it sound like it's a Cadillac. That's what you got to do. You got to start looking at yourself like you're a fucking caddy and not a Chevy citation. All right. There's a bunch of shit that you can do. Start going to the gym. You got to use that sense of humor. I saw it like three times in that. All right. Women love to laugh. Okay. If you're an easy going guy,

you make people fucking laugh. And if you make fun of yourself, you know what I mean? You're going to be attractive to people. And the more you put yourself out there and you just fucking, you know, you got to be who you are. All right. Who gives a shit? There's nothing wrong with being Asian. There's nothing wrong with being short. And you're probably not nearly as bad looking as you think you are. Just get out there, put out a fucking positive vibe. All right. The great thing about, you know, something that one of the hardest things hot chicks have is finding love. You know, because everybody wants to fuck them and they'll just lie and say that they do. And they never know who's, you know, it's almost like they're like celebrities from what I've heard.

I always see that in the celebrity interviews. Yeah, it's really hard to trust people. Anyway, what the fuck was I talking about? You're going to be fine. You're 21 years old. Some day you're going to be 31 going, what the fuck was I thinking? I was 21. I should have been walking up to women saying hello and putting it out there. What's the worst thing they can say is no. You know what you got to do? You got to stop taking this rejection so fucking hard. All right. Everybody gets rejected in life. Okay. Nobody gets a pass. You're not special. It's not uniquely sad for you that you got rejected. All right. Welcome to the fucking human race. That's what happens. All right. I mean, I walked around and I looked like I had a goddamn brush fire on my head

for the most of my fucking life, you know, and I somehow plowed through that. You know, and I have a lovely wife and two beautiful fucking kids and I'm having a great time and there's no way you're as ugly as I am. Okay. So there's your hope. All right. So two things. Figure out what you want to do in life. Go after it and start fucking talking to the broads there or whatever the fuck you're into. And have a good time. And don't be down on yourself because if you are, you're going to be jerking off way more than you're going to be fucking. And it sounds like that's not what you want. All right. Now get out there and make me proud. All right, everybody. That's the podcast for February 7, 2022. That's it. I think I'm putting

my money on. I know I'm putting my money on the Bengals. All right, but I'm betting with my hot. All right. Nothing against the Rams. I like the Rams too. It's a fun Super Bowl. I like both teams, but I just like the, I don't know. I've been rooting for Joe Burrow since he was at fucking LSU. All right. So that's it. Go fuck yourselves. I'll check in on you on Thursday.