Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 2-8-16

Episode Date: February 9, 2016

Bill rambles about the Broncos, three toed sloths and putting your dick on the table.

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Oh my darlin' Denver Colorado Bunch of hippies and some miners And the one Super Bowl trophy Congratulations to everybody in Rocky Mountain Hi Colorado Killin' fuckin' cows and stinky Greeley Greeley, Colorado, man If you ever want to know, you know,

what a bunch of murdered cows smell like For the next time you eat a burger, I suggest you go there on a bad smell day That's what they call it, bad smell day And then you call up the slaughterhouse You're like, hey, could you fuckin' Could you fuckin' tone it down a little? You know, the wind's blowin' down to my house

Why don't you lay off killin' those fuckin' cows? You know, not sayin' I don't like the burger Everybody likes the burger Except for them hippies in San Francisco And all those limousine liberals out in Hollywood Out there eatin' their fuckin' tofu patties You know that shit causes cancer, don't you? What the fuck is a tofu?

Sorry, congratulations to the Denver Broncos And guess what? Oh, Billy Redface He won a little bit of money Betting on the old man The old man Moo River Sorry Very happy for Peyton Manning, man

I didn't want to see him go in there His fuckin' ass kicked And I know what you guys are thinkin' Hey, Bill, why did you bet on the Broncos? You didn't say shit Predict in one way or the other I didn't have any feeling One way or the other

On the game I thought what a lot of people thought I just thought the fuckin' Panthers were gonna If they got up early, it was gonna get ugly And I don't know But then just everybody was sayin' it Everybody kept fuckin' sayin' it, you know Dude, the Panthers, dude

It's not even gonna be a fuckin' game, dude Everyone was just sayin' That the Panthers were gonna fuckin' destroy They were gonna win by 17 Dude, it's gonna be 17-nothing by the end of the first quarter This is what all my friends were sayin' So, I came up with this Quick theory

Because I wanted to put money on the game You know, because my team wasn't in it And I wasn't really excited about it So I figured, alright Well, if everybody's sayin' the Panthers are right How does Vegas make any money? The only way Vegas makes money is Is if the Broncos win

Vegas always has the lights on Even during the day, they never shut them off They got the AC on with the fuckin' doors open And I don't see anybody concerned out there Right? Because they're making money, so I said fuckin' I'm gonna go against the grade I didn't even take the points, I just bet it

I bet the line, 100 to make 190 I threw 100 bucks on it And... Jesus Christ I guess that Denver Broncos defense was Was as good as they were sayin' I just thought, like, I thought we made them look better Than they were, because our offensive line

Was fuckin' beat up But I don't know if you noticed The entire time when the Broncos beat the Patriots At no point was Tom Brady comfortable He wasn't screamin' and yellin' like Yeah, let's go, man! Or whatever the fuck he yells at his receivers You know, it was supposed to be a post-pattern!

Wake up! Right? Whatever the fuck it is, he yells at him He didn't do that once He had his eyebrows down and he looked fuckin' uncomfortable He felt people at his feet, the whole fuckin' game They never felt comfortable And, um...

You know, Vaughn Miller would do that little fuckin' little Little, um, um, I'm goin' this way Oh, no, I'm not And the guy fell for it every fuckin' time on the Patriots, right? And I'm thinkin' like, Jesus Christ, how much does that dude On the Patriots stink that he keeps fallin' for that? And lo and behold, I watch Vaughn Miller do it all game Against Carolina Panthers

I don't know if you noticed this, there's a lot of stats How many times did you see Cam Newton celebrate? I gotta... As far as I can remember, zero He didn't do one of those little first down fuckin' point things He didn't... Not one kid got a ball He never fuckin' ripped open up his suit

To show the Superman S underneath You know? Tell you right now, nobody's had any more fun in fuckin' Cam Newton You didn't see that once Cam Newton had zero fun In fact, if I remember correctly, cause I had a lot of Budweises Um... I probably drank as many Budweises as fuckin' Peyton Manning said he was gonna drink

Um, by the fourth quarter The only thing I remember Cam Newton doing was Falling down when they missed the fuckin' uh... When they missed that uh, that field goal attempt It just wasn't their fuckin' day, but he got mugged Vaughn Miller, kid, just he just gave me that fuckin' ball He was like fuckin' lineman runnin' after like a bunch of crazed dogs Or whatever that classic NFL Quocos

That was just complete fuckin' domination By the Denver Broncos defense To the point, I think Peyton Manning only had about 40 more yards passing than I did But you know what, when it counted When it counted, he got it done So uh, congratulations to them And I actually, I went against everything that I said Not only, I didn't tape the game

I forgot to tape it like a fuckin' asshole And I went to a Super Bowl party Which I always say, I'm not goin' You know, cause there's always 50 fuckin' people there And only like, you know, 12 of them give a shit about the game And everybody else is runnin' around And you know, all the fuckin' shit that I fuckin' had a tampon at my ass About for fuckin' ever with those things

But I actually said, you know what, fuckin' I'm gonna go to a party cause, you know I'm just not into the fuckin' game or whatever And then I showed up and I realized I was totally into the game And fortunately, the party I went to was great Everybody was into it Everybody was watching People were sayin' stuff about the game that made sense

You know, it was football fans And the food was fuckin' tremendous And had a great time I gotta tell you, going to the Super Bowl party though Something that I never noticed Was the just general open hatred for Coldplay Why does everybody hate Coldplay? Why does everybody hate that bed?

They're not that bad Right? Everybody's like, dude, they're so fuckin' lame They get like, they get like half like Nickelback hate You know what I mean? Hang on a second This fuckin' curtain's messed up It's driving me fuckin' crazy I'm gonna stare at it the entire time What is the problem?

There we go, sorry I apologize Yeah, so, so Coldplay comes out I don't know what they were singin' They were jumpin' around a lot I immediately left cause I didn't want to watch Beyoncé sass it up You know what I mean? I just, I cannot

The same, you know The way she behaves on stage is the way a lot of athletes behave After they make a great fuckin' play And somewhere that happened during my lifetime It went from fuckin' score to touchdown Just giving the ball to the ref To absolutely, you know, just fuckin' I don't know what you're doing

You start line-dancing and you just can't believe how amazing you are Right? And everybody's like, oh, he's havin' so much fun No, he isn't, he's marketing himself He's pourin' himself out right now, alright? You should literally have to put on a pair of fuckin' stilettos when you do it Just walk the fuckin' block after you fuckin' dunk Or score a touchdown or whatever, right? So I didn't want to watch her, you know, you know that fuckin' stupid walk

That divas do But they sort of stomp down the stage as they cross one leg over in front Like, heh, heh, heh Swingin' their fuckin' hips I always just want somebody to just give them a big fuckin' leg sweep That's me, you know what I mean? So I don't want to watch that shit No play comes out

And everybody's just, oh, God, Jesus Christ, you know No one wants to see him It wasn't that bad, but I could feel it, you know I just want to say, you know, I don't understand these fuckin' bands That sell millions and millions of fuckin' records Yet you cannot find one person that will admit that they were a fan Right? All you guys right now who are nodding their heads Go, oh, yeah, they're so fuckin' lame

Scroll through your fuckin' phone right now Go to the seas Go down to CO You gotta find, you got one song, admit it You got, you must have one song, right? What's that one? The first hit I was like, oh, it's fine Look at me face

As I walk down the beach With all the things you do And it was all yellow I married a chick, she had yellow hair I didn't wear a condom and never fuckin' divorced And I'm still payin' child support Does he pay child support to her or is it the other way around? That's a close one

It's the name of that broad there that he married, huh? She looks fuckin' moody All those good-looking chicks that do fuckin' yoga They're a fuckin' basket, runnin' the other directions You know, and they have like those stones that are for their chi And they put them around the fuckin' house And they think it makes them spiritual You just gotta get the fuck away from them

Anybody with a yoga room And is at least an eight As far as being good-looking, you just gotta get the fuck away from them They're too good-looking to be spiritual You know what I mean? You've never had to buy a drink for yourself in your life I don't give a fuck how much yoga you do You're not gonna be able to have any sort of self-analysis

You know, like, I don't think the thought of... You know, maybe I was being a cunt there I don't think that ever fuckin' goes through your head So I gotta commend that guy in Coldplay For not writing a lot of angry songs He just kinda has like, does he just have nice songs? I think that's a big problem with that band It's just nice, right?

He sings generally in a good mood You know, the guy seems like a happy guy That makes you pretty hateable You know what I mean? You got a fuckin' flannel jacket Dressed like a lumberjack Mocking that hard work As you go fuckin' sittin' around eatin' your goddamn M&M's

In your green room You come out and you sing some miserable song Everybody likes ya Right? The fuck's that guy's name there Sing all those songs Ugh, Nirvana, right? That Kurt Cobain man

I really wish he didn't kill himself So I could trash him more Fuckin' guy I wish I was like you Easily amused Hey, Kurt, you don't fuckin' know me Go fuck yourself What the fuck you think I'm doing?

Staring at a dreidel over here? All amazed that it keeps spittin' Shit came out, I was like, is it me? Or is this guy the most condescending Condescending cunt ever? He comes out there first fuckin' video He's makin' fun of tap-on solos Like he could do it

He just didn't feel like doin' it Sorry These are just the ramblings Of a man who saw the beginning The middle and the end Of hair metal And he took it all seriously And that goddamn Nirvana

I just sounded like G.M. Audie In that fuckin' Howard Stern movie Howard Stern That goddamn motherfucker Me and DeRosa rewound that like 15 times You know in the end of the movie when like Pig Vomit's career is just completely in the shitter And he's like standing outside

And he's just dumbfounded at the success That Howard's had He's just like, how would it start? He just kinda looks away That goddamn motherfucker Anyways I'll just say, you know, how about in 2016 You know, there's so much

So many real things out there To get your passion up Up about it I think you should go around hating Coldplay Oh, that poor bastard That poor bastard got married to a beautiful woman That did yoga Oh my god, it's over

It's fucking over Some of those self-involved fuckin' human beings You're ever gonna find in your life Are gonna be in that fuckin' stinky ass yoga room You know Speaking of which I'm probably gonna take a class this week No, my wife, she's staying with it, man

Seven days in She's gonna try to do yoga this whole fuckin' month Right? And she actually asked me I can't remember if she asked me on the podcast But she asked me, she goes You wanna go to one of my yoga classes? And I was like, no

I was like, I'll do yoga But I like doing it here at the house You know what I mean? Like if I feel like stopping doing yoga I can just hit pause on the audio You know Go out and have some cereal And then come back

And just immediately fast forward To the closing poses Right? Isn't that wrong with that? I just hate how when you fucking go in there They act like they have just the keys To happiness all the time You know

And there's not one picture of anybody on the wall You know, with these testimonies going like You know, I was a really miserable cunt And then I went down And I took fuckin' Sally Struthers yoga class here And I don't know She was just rambling And I was in Down Dog

And all of a sudden it just clicked And I have been so happy ever since You know I'm not saying yoga's overrated I just don't need the fucking I don't need the chatter From the instructor Just tell me the next fucking pose to do

And tell me to breathe Okay Stop with your goddamn philosophies You ever watch a cooking show And they just get off on these fucking tangents It's like, well you just tell me the next ingredient I don't even know where basil comes from And how they used to bring it over in wooden ships

I don't give a fuck It actually comes from Basil, Romania Which is how I got its name Do you know the amount of people That are actually gonna fucking waste their time Tweeting me that there's no such thing as basil Romania You know

As if I don't know that that city is not in Italy You know what somebody did to me the other day I talk so much shit on this podcast Like when people give me shit For stuff that I say half the time I can't remember what they're talking about So somebody tweeted at me Twittered at me

And said They said, you know I guess I supported something Okay For whatever reason They took my rambling seriously And they said Supporting blah blah blah

He said something Do your homework Next time you support blah blah blah Right Right out of the gate I'm always like who the fuck is this fucking asshole Coming at me with that tone Do your homework

Like I work for you You cunt So he goes do your homework And whatever I said about something His fuck His homework was he sent me A link to an article in the New York Times So that was his homework

He fucking looked at one periodical That leans completely one way Politically Right The old liberal fucking New York Times So like And I'm actually I feel like I'm a liberal

Right But I would never just read the New York Times And just be like Well there you go That's evidently what's happening You know dumb that is That would be like listening to this podcast And taking it seriously

And wasting the fucking three minutes Of your life to tweet me Jesus Bill Did you bring it all back around Your fucking old school cunt Maybe I did Maybe I did How about Vaughn Miller, huh

You ever see a more deserving fucking MVP He just He mugged Cam Newton He came right in Fucking Cam Newton back to pass Give me that fucking thing Right

He just ripped it right out of his fucking hands Haven't said that I think I think Cam Newton's Definitely gonna be back And he's gonna win a ring And I said that Oh I tweeted that

And everybody was like Everybody said that Fuck a damn burrito Right That default fucking quarterback to shit on Cam Newton actually has A fucking running game He actually has receivers

He actually has a fucking unbelievable defense And a fucking contemporary coach Damn Marino had none of those things He had the receivers Dupen Clayton Right other than I'm not gonna go through this again Okay just look up the fucking

Look up running backs from 1983 to 1999 During During Damn Marino's fucking career I told you Delvin Williams Tony Nathan Kareem Abdul-Jabbar

The football player He never He never had his Edridge and James His Tony Dorsettian He never had that Man Never had that shit

Okay I'm not saying Cam Newton has that But he has enough of a fucking team around Whatever keep talking shit You wait Cam Newton will be back He needed that As a youngster

He had to feel that Fucking Awful This is what it feels like To lose this fucking game You know You watch the next time He goes out there

He's gonna fucking I don't know what he's gonna do Bill you don't know What the fuck he's gonna do You guessed You guessed and you guessed right Right Last year you thought

Seattle was gonna win The fucking Patriots You know you thought Your own fucking team Was gonna lose Alright let me read A little bit advertising Let me stumble through

Some advertising here As I attempt to read out loud Alright where the fuck are we Alright Oh this isn't it Oh this isn't it Oh here we go Alright oh Jesus here

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Is just a couple of days away Huh Where are you in your relationship That you're actually nervous That you have to fucking Get your broad something Wanna be nice if you I'm not even gonna read the copy

Wanna be fucking nice If you could just Click on something And yeah fucking you know You know what Vaughn Miller Ripped the ball out of Cam Newton's hands Whatever you could just put a box You could do the exact opposite

The football is A box of fucking candies right And rather than ripping it Out of her hand You just place it in there Or maybe Sherries, berries Is Cam Newton You go give me that fucking thing

Right and you just frisbeed Over to your wife Girlfriend there you go Huh What'd you get me Yeah nothing right What'd you get huh Oh jeez thank you

Way to go out of your wake Valentine's day It's just a couple of days away everybody And there's only one way To win Valentine's To win Jesus Christ I resent this copy right now

That I actually have to talk To my male listeners here Like they have to dance for their women Ladies by the way Why don't you get your Why don't you get your man A box of chocolate I should do it

Give a fucking box of chocolates And just give a little fucking A little pinch of the cheek there There you go Cutie There's only one sure way to To win on Valentine's this year And that is to win her heart

All over again With a box of chocolates Jesus Christ What is the reading level Of the woman you're with That all is going to cost To some chocolate-covered strawberry Tell a personal story

Relating to Valentine's day Well I think it's a complete Bullshit holiday Alright I resent the fact That there's some sort of pressure Put on me That I'm supposed to fucking

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In the top right-hand corner By the page type in Burr Or go to berries.com Click on the microphone and the code You might sort it today Time is running out Exclamation point Look if you want to get

Some fucking chocolates Just get us some chocolates You know what I mean You know what I've actually waited Too long There's a fucking place in South Dakota That has like the best fucking Deadwood

That has some of the most Insane fucking chocolates You're ever gonna get You know you could do that But it's too late now So just remember that for next year Okay guys If you want to win our heart back

Pro flowers Valentine's Day is this weekend Oh god Here we go again Only XX days away I love how they think I'm gonna do the math Six days away

I did it for ya Huh? Tired of guessing wrong What she wants Each Valentine's Day See You see what's in that copy right there Oh

She didn't like You got her a gift and what She didn't like it So then what She didn't blow you Jesus Christ Why does she just crank One of those music grinders

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In the top right hand corner And type in burp B-U-R-R that's proflowers.com Click on the microphone And type in my code burp Flowers and chocolates There you go Shut your goddamn

Fucking cake hole For the next goddamn year Alright I'll read the rest of these later Look at my face I got you some flowers And a box of chocolate And you won't blow me What the fuck

Do I have to fuckin' do What the fuck is the rest of my shit here I just don't understand where it goes Where the fuck does it go It should be right behind And it always just disappears This is really annoying me Oh god is that another fucking celebrity

On the goddamn stump For a political candidate Why do celebrities do that That just makes me not want to vote for the person Oh look the creator of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Is gonna tell me why I should vote for fuckin' That fat guy in New Jersey

Whatever the fuck his name is He's gotta have an H in his name Like if I was on Wheel of Fortune I just looked at his name For some reason H seems like a fat guy name You know Husky Hash

Fat people eat hash You know what I mean You know what it's like a mystery meat And they just fuckin' scramble an egg on top of it You know what's funny I eat hash Is that a fuckin' Is that a

A side piece meal Or is that a fuckin' A side meal Whatever the fuck you call it Side dishes Hash's side dishes Is that a fuckin' I have no idea

So many fuckin' meals when I was growing up I found later were side dishes Like when I was growing up Mac and cheese was an entree My mother would just make a big fuckin' Trey of it And then she'd make some toast And it was the shit

The Kraft macaroni and cheese that was frozen Right She did the ol' right there Fred Threw it in the fuckin' Threw it right in the fuckin' stove Right She made it like golden brown on top She'd take it out

Scoop it out She'd yell at her She'd yell at her She'd fuck out of my face A little bit of toast Alright Buttering the toast The way old school moms did

Every fuckin' inch of the goddamn piece of toast Had at least, you know At least a quarter stick of fuckin' butter on it You know Remember all those fuckin' meals from the 70s Chicken alla king Chip beef on toast I've talked about this before, haven't I

Green bean casserole was just mushroom soup And they threw fuckin' green beans in it Just heated it up That was a fuckin' worse, man I hated green bean casserole I always had a strategy That was either beginning or end Anytime it was green

I was either gettin' it out of the fuckin' way Or I was just gonna put it off like a term paper I swear to God to this fuckin' day, man It took me a long time to ever eat mushroom soup again You know Paul Versey thinks mushrooms are useless Tell that to the drugies, man He doesn't like mushrooms He doesn't like corn

And he doesn't like peas How do you not like peas, man? There's something fuckin' wrong with you Right? If you got mashed potatoes Right? That are made right Okay?

And then you take the fuckin' spoon Right? And you mush it down And then you take a big clump of butter Even though you already put butter in it You drop it on there You put salt and pepper on that And then you got some peas right next to it

The fuck outta here Paul Versey Why don't we hang out with Deca How do you hang out with somebody that doesn't like peas You know God help that bastard If he ever goes to fuckin' Scotland You know? And mushy peas

Anyways I don't even know what the fuck I'm talkin' about here You know I got my car all fixed up, right? Got it all fixed up Got all the dents taken out of it And I fuckin' backed into something yesterday Not hard And by something I mean somebody else's car

Not hard But hard enough I just put a couple of hack marks I didn't do anything to their car They of course had a fuckin' SUV So you know they're like a dentist or something And it had like this fuckin' license plate holder thing That just dug right into my bumper

So it's already a little hacked up But uh I don't know You know what's funny Ever since the Prius, right? I used to be really good at back and up and shit But ever since the yet like that backup camera Like I find myself not even looking anymore

I've become worse at it You know what I mean? It's like when you start delegating power You have a job and you just start delegating power And then all of a sudden you just sit behind your desk And you're like, I really have nothing to do here And then you look up and there's your superior Standing there in the doorway

Uh, what are you doing today? You start shufflin' some papers And next thing you know you get laid off, right? You just delegated enough fuckin' power That's what I've done with that backup camera I've delegated so much of my fuckin' senses To make sure I don't run over somebody I really shouldn't say this

Because if I ever fuckin' hit somebody How bad would that be if they played my own podcast in court? Right? Uh, Your Honor, we'd like to submit Into evidence, uh, exhibit A, uh, the podcast From, uh, February the 8th 2016, where he clearly states That the man does not even look behind his calf

When he backs up Cleo, what's the matter? What's the matter, buddy? Do you know I, um... Is somebody here, Cleo? Who's here, Cleo? Who's here? Who's here, Cleo? Huh? You wanna eat somebody?

You wagging your tail, though You never know Alright, buddy, relax Now they got you all amped up Huh? Nia, is there somebody here? I got it, I got it Nia...

You know what's funny about being married? Aside from the fact that you gotta whisper on your own podcast Sometimes, just to make your day easier It's just the ups and downs You know what I mean? You can see it in your wife's eyes Some days she knows why she marries you Married you, and then other days she's like

What the fuck did I hitch my wagon to? And I know it's early I know it's early in the day But I'm feeling like it's gonna be one of those What the fuck did I marry today? Cleo, get up here Come here, get up here Come on

How are you, buddy? Huh? Lay down Could you lay down? Thank you Jesus Do you do anything easy, dude? The fucking thing just collapses down on me

We'll do your homework, man Alright, let's uh... Let's read a couple of questions here for this week Was there anything else? Oh, I was talking about celebrities Talking about fucking candidates It's like, why the fuck do you think I need... Like, I'm undecided

And then like the guy who created Jag Comes on TV Or like one of the stars You know, they're always out there fucking What are they doing? What are you doing? You're an actor You're a writer

The fuck do you know about running the country? Shut up! Stop ruining the candidate that I like Right? I like Bernie Sanders because he reminds me Of an old fucking club owner that I had And when he gets mad and he starts screaming and yelling This is a clip of him yelling at Alan Greenspan

When he was running the Federal Reserve And it's a classic fucking clip Put on the fucking internet Where like Bernie Sanders takes the fucking, you know Whatever, the fucking guy from the big bank there I just said it, the Federal Reserve, yeah Takes him to task, right? So he's reading the guy the riot act

And it's this amazing clip And right when it goes for the other guy to respond The fucking thing ends It's like, well, I want to hear what the other guy said Why am I yelling this week? I want to hear what the other guy says, you know What kind of a fucking dope just watches that clip And then doesn't try to find

You know, what the guy from the Federal Reserve said Right? The guy should at least be able to, you know Point, counterpoint It's kind of like that cunt who sent me that thing Like, do your homework And he just sends me the thing from the fucking New York Times I like the New York Times

But I would never just read something that they said And be like, well, there you go, oh shit That's all I need to know Isn't that right, Cleo? We'll exhale into the mic I've been really doing really good about keeping my energy low Trying to, around the dog To get it to be a little more

A little more mellow You're still trying to eat the guests Am I torturing you guys with the fucking You know what, that's the only Coldplay song I know I know there's some other ones I go see those guys in concert, you know what I mean Watching some soccer moms losing their fucking minds Huh?

Doing some fucking Dance moves from the fucking Well, wait a minute, they're actually younger than me What the hell am I talking about? I think I need to shut the fuck up, you know I think in general, I think in general, Bill I think in general you might need to shut the fuck up No, I'm actually psyched because I was trying to write this thing

And I just kept procrastinating Alright, Cleo, I'll see you I kept procrastinating, I finally just said fuck it And I just broke it down into three segments And over the course of like four days I was able to finish it and now it's fucking done And it's like this giant weight off my chest And I don't have to do shit today

Oh, you know what I'm going to do today? I'm actually bringing my truck over My old truck, I found this This spare tire assembly You know, a lot of them don't have it At least mine didn't have it And I was able to find it, it was off this guy's F-250 That he was going to fix something

I just kept offering him money for it He goes, nah, I don't want to get rid of it And I finally way overpaid for it And I got it and they powder-coded it Whatever the fuck that means To match, didn't match my truck and everything So finally I'm actually going to have a spare tire Underneath the fucking thing the way it's supposed to

And that's my fucking day That's all I got to do today You know why? Because I sat down And I got that fucking thing done Although the door locks in my fucking house I still haven't done I bought the shit, premium paint remover And epoxy remover

Whatever the fuck that is I got my little brush I'm going to try to get that fucking lock out today Because I told you I got this old ass house As I've mentioned a zillion times And I want the interior door locks to work Because I think it would be fucking hilarious If, when I left one time

If I locked all the fucking doors in the house And then somebody broke into my house In every fucking room They had to like try to break down another door They just go to turn it and they're just like Fuck man, this door's locked Let's go around the other side, fuck You know, ten minutes in

They're not even trying to be quiet And we were like, dude, what the fuck? The fuck this guy got in there, right? And then he goes in and I just have, you know A bunch of fucking hats and free t-shirts From fucking comedy shows You know, there's such an intelligence To just not having really anything of value

In your house You know what I mean? I got a couple of fucking antique tables And shit like that Stuff that I kind of like But who the fuck's going to steal that? Little cat burglar coming out With a fucking table on his back

You know, they like the fucking They like the little shit They come in wearing their yoga pants Right? Repelling down from the fucking roof I just think it would be hilarious Who's kidding? The ultimate thing is this

You had like security in your fucking house Right? And somebody comes in Right? And they get to that certain point I know I've seen this in movies And all of a sudden That's just that metal thing comes down

So then they can't leave They're fucking panicking You know what I mean? I always thought that that would be great And then like I was thinking like In like a giant room Right?

When they're in the living room with some shit Like all of a sudden They can't fucking get out And they're freaking out And then they're just sitting there And they think Worst case scenario Is that the cops are showing up

And they're going to get fucking arrested And they're kind of Mentally giving themselves into that And then you just like You have like a cobra Right? And you just fucking Let it in the room

You know, generally speaking Those things aren't that fast Do you just have it just Maybe you defang the fucking thing Well, that's not That's cruelty to animals Right? But it's a reptile

They're not really animals Right? No, you don't You just let the fucking thing come in And it's just showing the hood Nobody can fucking hiss Like a goddamn reptile, man You ever go to those

Alligator farms Or you're down in Florida You know what I mean? And you first of all You're looking at the people who go in there And you're like Dude, half of these people Have murdered somebody

And fed their victim To one of these fucking things I mean, just Florida It's just Especially in the northern part of Florida I mean, it just gets Really fucking shady But when you hear those fucking things

They hiss at each other Jesus Christ I mean, it just taps into back I think that's a shit That's left over from when You were a caveman You know what I mean? Like, just like

I can't even explain that Like, I want to know What the fuck was I? I can't remember I went to a classic one too I think it was just outside of Tampa No, maybe not I was right up the road

In Miami or just south It's that one that has The alligator mouth That you walk right into Right? And I heard that thing Fucking hiss And dude, from that tip of my head

To the end of my toe Tip of my toes at the top Of my head, I fucked that up It just went just fucking like I can't explain the feeling Just that feeling When you lean back in a chair And you almost fall

And you're like My entire body did that And the thing was way far away From me And I knew Logically that it couldn't get To me But I still think that

From all those years Of when we just walked around Living in caves That your body's just Still trained That if it hears that fucking Noise That reminds me

When I saw this three-toed Sloth one time I was in Costa Rica, right? And we were taking this zip Line Tour It was like the most northern tip

Of the fucking rainforest And the guide You know, these fucking trees Were unbelievable It was like we were like It felt like we were 150 feet In the air And we weren't even mid-tree

You looked up It was like another 300 feet Above you It was fucking unbelievable It was a Other than the fact That we were there You know, doing a zip line

Tour and shit And had cell phones And stuff It was a fucking paradise So this guy did it every day So he knew where this Three-toed sloth was And he looked up

And he made this noise Of, I forget what the bird Is called It's not an albatross But it does begin with an A And has a giant wingspan And they're not even in that Area anymore

Because we killed all of them But to this day He imitates And the second he fucking Imitated the thing The fucking three-toed sloth Just like got up And started fucking

Looking around And then looked down at us Like, dude, what the fuck He's like, dude, what the fuck You know Just be like, dude, don't do that It's not funny, right? Because I guess those birds

Are so fucking big That they would swoop down Into the trees And with their talons They would just fucking Just basically grab These fucking monkeys And just yank them out of the tree

And you're just completely fucked Jesus Christ, those poor things, man What a fucking way to go Can you imagine me in that fucking Slow? Actually, I can't I'm a classic white guy Can't jump, can't fucking run

Fuck No, that shit, right? Doesn't understand dancing By men, anyways Man, I don't even care If you're good at it I don't even care if you're Good at it, I just don't get it

It just makes me laugh When I see a man dancing It just makes me fucking laugh I'm sorry It's really immature And I need to grow up When it comes to that But I'm just being honest

And you get what you want I'm not allowed to do that I don't care I don't care I don't care I need to grow up When it comes to that But I'm just being honest

So anyways I just can't imagine Being that fucking thing Like as slow And as fucking Awful as I am I just can't imagine Can you imagine

There's just some giant bird And you were on its fucking menu And you lived outside In fucking trees Where birds are Jesus fucking Christ The amount of times You're just sitting there

With a three-toed sloth Just chilling Talking to a buddy Or it's going like Hey man Maybe Yeah, maybe we could Go to that branch over there

And your buddy's sitting there Talking to you And being like Oh man, maybe Maybe like Maybe like next Thursday Next Thursday And all of a sudden

This fucking thing Just grabs your friend And you think Your friend is just fucking gone Just gone You just see him disappear What are monkeys doing? And then you fucking

Sit in there Like what the fuck Right, your heart racing Like you just did some blow But you only got the speed Of a fucking three-toed sloth And you just sit there With the other three-toed sloths

Doing what? Just looking at each other Like you know Thank God that wasn't me But what the fuck Please make it quick Just fucking Sliced the things

Knack already Sorry man I just had a lot of empathy When I saw that the way the fuck It's almost like you had To see the fucking things face When he made that noise When he fucking looked around

And then looked down And saw that it was us You should have seen the look In this fucking things face It was just like I swear to God If it could have Shit on us it would have

And you know what We would have deserved it Well at least the guy who did it would have Alright enough about three-toed sloths Let me Let me get into fucking reading here Why do I always have to fucking do this? Type in my fucking password

Hey does anybody know How do I get my computer To fucking link up With iTunes? I actually watched a video on it The kids go Yeah you go right over here And you click on this thing

And it's like I didn't have that I must have a different version than him Alright here we go Let's get into some of the reads here Or should I just finish With the advertising Let's just finish the advertising Let's get the fucking bullshit

Out of the way first And then we'll get into Some of the questions for the week Alright I already did plural flowers Alright Oh Dollar Shave Club everybody You know lots of players

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All right, let's get to the questions For this week Okay, trusting Water Hey, Billy, filter face I like that one Don't trust drinking water I don't trust drinking water

He goes, my friends think I'm nuts They always point to the fact That public drinking water Is tested time and time again Now this Flint, Michigan fiasco It surfaced that officials lied about testing Did slow drip tests from faucets In order to get lower levels of whatever

Horse shit shouldn't have been there To begin with And even rode it off Because most complaints weren't Were coming from minorities Dude, how do you do that And go to sleep at night? How do you do that?

How do those companies do that fracking? And I'm not saying I don't know anything about fracking But you know, I've seen that In some cases, it's fucked up to drinking water How do you not go, oh my god, we fucked up What do we do here? Oh my god, we like said fucked up

I'm the worst But I'm just, how do you I don't know how you fuck you do it The best water comes in glass And is fresh from a natural spring That doesn't neighbor a Dow chemical plant I stick to this as much as possible I know I'm not nuts

I saw a civil action with John Travolta In the theater once I saw about 20 years ago And it's haunted me since What's your level of trust When it comes to water And what kind of water do you drink? Thanks for the Thursday podcast

Love the music That's Andrew Thamelis Go check in on yourself Alright I don't know, what is my feelings on it? Yeah, it's probably a scam or whatever I really feel that I try to be as healthy as I can

I have this weird thing where You know, I'm trying to be healthy And live as long as I can While I also feel that like Most people on earth dying Would be a great thing Because I just think we're Yeah, we're just putting too much stress

On all the natural resources I believe that, personally I do Now, have I read enough? No Do I know what I'm talking about? No It's just what I do What you guys do

I get a little bit of information And I just run with it in my brain And then someone reprimands me On fucking Twitter Do your homework, man I actually Had an acting gig with one person One time and they

They actually got their water delivered And rather than being in those Giant plastic fucking things That you got to tip upside down They actually were in glass Anything tastes better in a glass It always does Beer in a bottle tastes better

Than beer in a can Personally, I feel it does But as far as where they get the water I don't think it matters As long as they fucking treat it, right? Does it? I don't know I don't fucking know

I have no idea I try to drink water As much as I can When I'm not fucking boozing But no, I don't have any faith In anything anymore I don't I went to this little fancy fucking pet store today

To get my dogs some food And they were like, are you in our system? And I'm like, no, I'm not And they go, okay Just so you know Whenever you want to be in the system You get a 5% discount every time And I just want to be like

Yeah, and what do you get out of it? What do you get out of it? You know? You sell my fucking information to somebody And they was like, well, no, we don't Well, I know you don't Why would you do that? Why would you just give me a 5% fucking discount forever?

That means you're either marking the shit up There's no fucking way Nobody goes out of their way To fucking make 5% less on some shit You know, forever I could say, hey, we're having a sale You get people in there And hey, they kind of get used to going to the store

And then you phase it out You get 5% off every fucking time You know? I think being a paranoid cunt works It really does Except sometimes in relationships it isn't I said, who is he? He was just a guy at the post office

I gave him the mail Alright, turn-offs Hey, Billy Buttercups My friend and I were having a discussion About what turns us off about girls The usual gross things And physical appearance things came up I threw out there, yeah

And I hate it when girls throw themselves at you With the disclaimer that if you're a quality If you're equally as into the girl It's not a problem What do you think about this? Is it me or does it feel weird When a girl just puts it all out there? You said out that

Out there and starts casually mentioning her vag Because she thinks it's going to interest you or something Some of my friends thought I was nuts The others sort of agree Thanks and go crush yourself It all depends It all depends on the person Generally speaking, if you just meet somebody

And you have no idea who they are And they just start throwing themselves at you And you look how I look You're like, I don't think this is her first rodeo It makes me nervous That would make me very nervous As far as like What's that Beach Boy song?

She's been around all over town Oral copulate So no later Thursday I could see what that would freak you out But if You know, I don't know She's like in her 30s And she's just like, look

I'm not looking for a relationship I just want to kind of Just kind of be fuck buddies here That's what I do until I go That always turns the ladies on Nothing gets them turned on Like cracking your voice Does that feel good?

That just made me completely think Forget what I was going to say Oh fuck, I had a funny story too God damn it I don't like when women try to be dominant Either You know what I mean? They just

They fucking They get on top of you and they're like grabbing your wrists And they got that stupid look on their face And you're just thinking like, you know, if I wanted to I could just throw you off the bed Not for nothing But if you're into it Yeah, I understand what you're saying here

If It's all how they do it If they're just coming up confident They're into you, yeah But if they just start talking about their fucking hoo-ha Yeah, a lot of it is the same Maybe like for a woman, if a guy just came out He just flops his dick on the bar

Huh? Who wants it? Come and get it Yeah, I would think that would turn anybody off Alright, global warming scam Alright Global warming scam Okay, this is like something that people keep sending me And they keep sending it to me

As if my opinion has any sort of scientific background I'm just basing it on Scientists That's all I'm basing it on And that fucking two and a half times The size of Texas and two miles deep swirl of garbage In the fucking Pacific Ocean That how just about every fish has some degree of plastic

In their fucking system Okay, but none of that has to do with temperature Love your show It's really refreshing to hear someone in show business Actually talk about some very important social pertinent things When the fuck do I ever do that? Like what, football? Three-toed sloths

Flopping your dick on the bar? These are important to you? I agree with everything you talk about on your show I don't need you to He goes, except, or she says, he or she Except global warming The global warming scam is another system of control I agree we should stop using oil and coal

These carbon sources are highly polluting And release toxins and mercury into the biosphere But this has nothing to do with global warming I know you love documentaries Ah, God, can you guys just stop being a c- Maybe I'm taking it in a country way I know you love documentaries God knows you don't read

He's probably right Look up Global Warming Swindle on YouTube A little taste in the global war- The global warming rat hole There's a ton of other information on the web That exposes this bullshit scam Good luck and looking forward to hear What you have to say about this

See, I don't get that I'm supposed to just look up a bunch of shit That all agrees with the other side And then the other side's wrong That's like me saying to you Look up all this shit about global warming And how we're affecting the climate And I'm looking forward to see what you have to say

I would think that The fact that in France All the leaders of the world just got together With all these scientists and all that And even on the right They've been saying it's bullshit From day one They were saying it's fucking bullshit

Even they finally came out and they said Yeah, we are affecting it And then they were like But it's too late to do anything now Like that's what they came out with So why would they be doing that? Why would they... Wait a minute

You're saying that they're doing it to try to control us That's such a long way to go, isn't it? Can't they just control us By scaring the shit out of us? The normal way? Like, oh, there's this group of people That doesn't have planes or a boat Coming over here to get us

Like they've been doing for 15 fucking years Can't they just do that? I'll watch those things But I would like to know who paid for those... Who financed those documentaries Because if they're companies that are getting attacked for it You know, there's obviously Getting attacked for the pollutants

That they're putting into the atmosphere They could be going Well, we need to get this off of us By putting the real information out there But generally speaking, I... As a rule, I don't believe corporations I just don't People in general

I mean, I'm full of shit, right? Why the fuck would I believe that? I'll watch it, you know what? You know what? This is the thing, I actually hope you're right Because then I'm going to have a lot less guilt And just go out and buy some fucking... Goddamn V8, man

Get out there and fucking drive around Do some donuts! PS, global warming, carbon credits Are controlled by the same crooked bankers That are fucking up the world economy Well, I kind of think like the bankers Don't they control everything? They kind of own everything, right?

Are we still making payments on the White House? Do they have to refinance that? I know it burned down in the 1800s, who knows? New girlfriend, bullied by friend's girlfriend Okay, so your new chick gets bullied by... Who's friend? Well, I guess I gotta read it, alright I wanted your advice on something minor

Yet difficult for me to figure out On how to approach I've just done pretty well for myself Getting a beautiful girl recently Like she's physically attractive And has an ass I could balance a beer on Good for you Anyway, our friend...

Our friend group is a pretty good size Even though some of our friends have moved 30 minutes to an hour away But a problem came up recently A friend of mine from out of town Recently came by with his girlfriend And after a night out of drinking My girlfriend informed me

His girlfriend bullied her And treated her like shit in high school Alright, well that was a long time ago Oh, that's the next thing He goes, I told her that was a long time ago That's what I want to say He goes, we're 26 now And that she should try to approach her

To which she replied that when The girl in question said hello to me She looked at her and just walked away Wait, who walked away? That when the girl in question said hello to me Dude, I don't know who's saying what here She also told me her high school was quite small And the girl in question said hello to me

She looked at her and just walked away Wait, who walked away? That when the girl in question said hello to me Dude, I don't know who's saying what here Dude, I don't know who was quite small And the girl in question and many others Made it hell for her Here's my question for the freckled fucko of LA

How would you approach this situation? Keep in mind I'm not the best of buds with the dude We're just in the same friend circle Well, what happened? You're 26 You're probably going to see her like what Once every couple of fucking weeks Yeah, I don't think it's a problem I would just look at her and just be like

Hey, can you stop fucking making a big deal out of nothing Before I stick your fucking head and I stick it in the cover You start bullying her I don't know what I would do I would just be like Yeah, I would just say, look, you're 26 years old High school ended eight years ago I just let it go

Because she doesn't give a fuck Bullies never remember the shit that they did to you And she's probably jealous because you're beautiful With an ass you can balance a drink on That's probably what it is I don't know In the meantime, why don't you take some jujitsu classes All right

Little Israeli fucking martial arts I always wanted to take that shit Little jujitsu and then that fucking Israeli Whatever the Israeli martial arts shit is The fuck is that shit called I don't even fucking know I always just thought that shit is just like Because the level, the stakes going on over there

There's just no I guess they're all a fish I don't know fucking shit about fighting But I just felt like that would be the shit Just because of where Israel is And how they never have planes get hijacked or anything They just got shit on lockdown You would think that their martial arts would

There would definitely be a lot of interesting I would think eye gouging Just fucking, you take your fucking index And your middle finger and you just fucking They probably know how to do that That Mcgrubber throat snatch thing, you know Snatchin' throats Anyways

Yeah, I don't know what to tell you I'm not good at that shit, dude If you haven't noticed I don't know a lot about women I really don't Like I grew up, you know With way too many It was not balanced

I mean, it was not It was just fucking I don't know To this day, it's still I had all brothers for the most part And then the dog Even the dog was a fucking boy You know what I mean?

It was just total overload of testosterone And then my mom And we lived up on a busy street So we just all interacted with each other And Yeah, this is one of those fucking This is one of those That's one of those chick moments

Well, I'm just really bad I'm just like Well, did she try to punch you? Did she ever beat you up before? Then like, what's the fucking problem? Just tell her to go fuck herself, right? You don't understand You don't get it

God, it's so frustrating No, I know it's not you I know it's not you I know you're trying And I appreciate that I just feel like And they start talking to me And I sit there

And I'm nodding And I'm listening And just over their shoulder There's a TV with a game on And I start looking at it Looking at them Yeah It started acting like I'm rubbing my forehead

You know, blocking their view With one of my eyes So I can look at the fucking TV I start doing that shit And eventually I get busted And then they get mad You don't even care Anyways, if you would like to donate to this podcast

It's very easy to do It won't cost you any money It just costs you An extra couple of clicks Of the index finger You just go to billburr.com And you click on the podcast page There's a link to Amazon

Next time you want to buy something on Amazon You can do this You just click on it And I get credit for driving traffic to Amazon And if you buy something They kick me a couple of bucks or whatever And then I used to kick it to this fucking charity That people sent me enough shit

That said it was a scam So now I give it to St. Jude St. Jude's That's what I try to do I give a portion of the proceeds Well, what portion, Bill? We're talking like an NFL portion? No, way better than the NFL

I take 10% And I throw it to the fucking... To St. Jude's Alright, that's pretty good Considering fucking the NFL does what? What do they do? They do like 3% Of that $100 jersey

And then they give it to the pink lady So she can go out And get herself a pink Cadillac Alright, that's the podcast For this week, everybody Once again, congratulations Congratulations to the Denver Broncos And Peyton Manning

It was so fucking great to see that guy Go out a winner, man I did not want to see him You know You know what I mean? I didn't want to see him get fucking... I didn't want to see him get his fucking ass kicked To get on a Super Bowl

I really did not want to see that And my condolences to the Panther fans You know, you guys had a hell of a season Riverboat Ron, is that his name? Someone's tweeting me So is that the best fucking nickname in sports? I didn't even know the guy's name I'm gonna be honest with you

But I saw him on the sideline At one point in the second quarter And I said to my buddy I go, that guy looks like the winning coach Of a Super Bowl That's what I felt like when I saw the guy So obviously you guys are gonna be back A lot of times you get there

And you don't win it the first time And then you remember what that feeling's like And then you come back And I don't know You guys should be alright You'll get one, right? Look at all Peyton Manning He fucking hung in there

He got one John Elway came in there And Denver's the fucking place to go For old fucking quarterbacks To get one more What do you guys think? Do you think he retires? He should

He should There's already rumors That he's gonna be coming out here To the Los Angeles Rams You know Which would be very Joe Namath Joe Willey Joe Willey ended

That's actually, that's a good fucking quiz Huh? You name Hall of Fame quarterbacks In teams that they ended with Joe Namath ended with the Rams John United John United ended with San Diego I believe

It's hard man Once they fucking disappear And they go off the fucking radar Let's pick another one here Drew Bledsoe Who did he finish with? Drew Bledsoe went to the Bills Then he went to the Cowboys

And I wanna say he went somewhere else Brett Favre Where did he end? Vikings Who was gonna go to the Vikings At the end of his career At the last second said Fuck that, I'm not doing it

And was a smart move I mentioned him earlier Dan Marino Dan Marino had an offer And he said No, fuck it I'm not doing it And what's great is all of his highlights

He's wearing the Dolphins uniform He doesn't have that sad You know The last team I fucking played for Uniform Emmett Smith Where did he finish? Arizona

Franco Harris Seattle Seahawks You know what? I think I invented a good drinking game Right? You just go through Then somebody's gotta look it up And that means somebody knows all the answers

You know what? I think I just thought I had a great idea But I didn't Alright, go fuck yourselves So check it on ya On Thursday Some people say The metaverse will only be virtual

But one day Firefighters will use augmented reality To navigate burning buildings faster Saving crucial seconds When lives are at risk Doctors will use the metaverse To visualize scans And make quicker decisions in A&E

And though woolly mammoths Are extinct In the metaverse Students will go back to the Ice Age To visit them The metaverse may be virtual But the impact will be real