Monday Morning Podcast 3-1-21
00:00Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Mondaymatch firstIn like a lamb out like a lionIn like a lion out like a lamb, I don't fucking know. I live out on the West Coast. IDon't I don't even know what I don't you guys need to report to meI know you had a bunch of snow. I have no idea what the fuck's going on. This is what I do knowI'mI've been watching. I got the Celtics on in the background recording this Sunday afternoon
00:3575 71 minute 14 to go in the third quarterCeltics need to win this game to go seven and nine for the monthYou know snapped the three game losing streak on Friday night beating the Indiana PacersWell, you knowsecretly one of my favorite fucking teams out there simply becauseThey're the only team I ever saw other than the Boston Bruins go into the stands and beat the shit out of peopleYou know now granted they didn't get the right people, but like, you know, I think that that needs to happen once a decadeOnce a decade a hockey team a basketball team
01:16You know baseball players remember that time those two fucking dirtbags attack that first base ref refFirst base coachThat was a while agoThen all the baseball players beat the shit out of himIt's just it has to happen every once in a while because look at people's behavior nowPeople blame it Trump people bring in Hillary people blame and fucking doctors and all that's you knowEverybody's got a fucking theoryYou know and I think it's no coincidence
01:47That when you look back over the last ten years no professional athletes went into the stands and beat the shit out of regular peopleI think it needs to happenSorry IGot to be honest with you these fucking goddamn TVs nowEvery month and a half. I need to I have to relearnBecause there's some sort of updateI need to relearn how to turn on my fucking TV to get regular TV and it's getting harder and harderTo get regular TV because it just sends you this is fucking thing like I like this new app
02:26And I'm like is it said TV plusI'm like is that tea it says TV is that what itIs that what I hit and then I get on right couldn't find that that I found some search thingsSo I'm like all right get me back to regular TV. IDon't want to stream the 8,000 new shows that came out in the last five fucking minutes. IDon't care. Oh my god. Have you seen none cunt? Have you seen that one? Yeah?Oh, it's a fucking female empowerment thing about a nun. He who rapes a priest. Oh shit, dudeYou got to see it. I don't I
03:07Don't I only have so many fucking hours in my day and I waste them watching sportsThat's what I want to do and I don't want to watch it on a fucking appI swear to God if they would come back with those big wooden fucking TVs that weighed 9,000 fucking poundsAnd you just went up and you just pulled the knob. I would I would be happyYou know not saying I don't love a remote. Okay, the remote was a great fucking ideaWithout a doubt but somewhere along the line like I'm trying to turn my TV on I'm sitting thereWith fucking two remotes in my hand like I'm in a fucking spaghetti Western like holding a couple of pistols trying toFucking thing out and I got to hit the press on the house on one of them
03:47And then I got to go guide on the other trying to get that fucking thing to scrollbutOhShit wrong team. Yeah, I don't know who fuck everybody by the way. Why are they wearing?Why are the Washington Wizards dressed like like a fucking American Airlines plane?I literally thought that was us because a couple nights agoI was watching the Celtics and we were wearing that same gray with greenOh god, is this what getting old is like you just start yelling at your TV everything's changing too fast
04:22I bet back in the day, right? It probably freaked old people out when all of a sudden TV was on all dayYou know, yeah, howdy-doody used to come on at four and it was done. Everything was done at nineJack Parr said I'll fucking see you laterAnd then they played patriotic musicAnywayFuckYeah, so you wouldn't know it. I just went on a vacation and had a great time andThree days of rest and relaxation as much as you can with kids and shit
04:59But I had an awesome time and everything was great. I fucking came home. I unpacked everythingI mean fucking everything right and then I come in here and all I want to doAll I want to do is watch the Celtics, right? It's all I wanted to just put it on the fucking backgroundI just want to fucking sit down and I literally sat over there likeYou know when it won'tWhen it doesn't do what I wanted to do I yell at itYou know, I was just sitting there withThe two remotes going regular TV
05:33Regular fucking tea. I just want regular TVIDid that for like fucking 11 minutes trying to find this fucking stupid gameGeez I like I don't understand how much time these flat-screen TVs think I have in a dayThis fucking thing has Netflix Amazon PrimeAbout 5,000 other fucking things I've never even heard of and then like when I typed in ABC just to get backto the motherlandRegular TV
06:08They had their own streaming thing was fucking hilarious. It came up all these stupid pictures of smiling families, you knowYou know the show pictureWe've all been that we've all see every fucking show, right? They had the friends. They were in the fountainYou know cheers. They were sitting around the bar. Hey Bill. How about a show that didn't come out 30 fucking years ago? All rightWait a minute, I guess I don't want to TV no according to Jim was a while agoNo, there was one I watched I know I watched it because I sat down I said I was gonna watch itI can't remember the name of it. OhFuck I give up there's too much shit. I'm too fucking old. That's all this
07:01That's all I'm trying to say people enjoy your youth enjoy your youth while you can because you can end up like me one dayAnd you poor bastards you're probably gonna be holding four remote controlsScreaming, you know, where is Netflix?You know, I don't want to you know China will probably have like the number one streaming fuckingservice at that pointThey finally take over, right?And everybody's watching that shit everybody's fucking speaking Mandarin and you can be likeSpeak English and fucking watch Netflix like we used to
07:40So anyway, we went on it on a Griswold family trip rented a big-ass Chevy SuburbanI'm a Ford guy driving the bowtie this weekendWilliamsFrom Pritchard, sorryAnyway, I rented this big fuckingThe fuck was it a giant SuburbanAnd we loaded this fucking thing up I brought my daughter's balance bike IBrought her scooter
08:16Right. We had all our clothes and all of that shit. And you know, I was meeting some family out thereJoshua tree is where we went my wife always wanted to go there. So everybody got fucking tested like the night beforeStayed away got in our fucking cars and then just drove there and we like rented a house andYou know went into Joshua tree and all that just had a fucking great time and no I did not sayWhere is the Joshua tree?Although I will tell you because I don't know if you're new to my podcast. That's what I didThe first time I in only time I went there like 11 fucking years ago. IAsked a park ranger, where is the Joshua tree?
09:02You know, because I thought it was a specific one then I didn't realize it was a speech speciesI thought it was like some biblical shit like JobJoshua one of those Jay guys Jesus, right? There's always some fucking guy with theFirst name begins with the J in the Bible telling you what to doSo I said, yeah, that's what I said. I said, where is where is the Joshua tree?No in my defense if it's just a species ofTree is it species or we just call it a strain. I don't know what the fuck. I'm not into plantsWhy why wouldn't you call it Joshua trees right not trying to be a douche, but
09:43If every fucking three days I can get a text from some stupidYellow-toothed cunt and Great Britain going. What do you call it football?Like that like like they're the most clever fucking person like nobody has ever said thatYou know, I did you know what this should be a fucking taserEverybody has a taser and legally you are allowed to bring it out when somebody says something says a fucking old joke orjust ohI got ideas this week. Okay. Here's one. Here's one for youYou know the one I can't fucking stand as I watch a lot of these videos where people try shit
10:22And then they fuck up the fail videos and there's always some douche has to write play stupid gameswin stupid prizesandThen people respond to itLike it's the first time they've heard it that fucking comment is under every fucking videoYou could literally have an old lady reaching down to grab her slipper and throw out her back and some douche is gonna write play stupid gameswith stupid prizesIt's not even a good fucking saying that's what pisses me off. That's what really annoys me, you know what I mean I
11:01Get like hey, you know a broken clock is right twice a fucking day, you know, I get that that makes sense kind of cleverplay stupid games withwith stupid prizesLike what I love is IJust love how hey look at fucking it put your mask on put your fucking mask on ILove people when they yellYelling through a mask like it's it's not like you're in a fucking, you know a soundproof studioIt's a fucking paper mache mask
11:33For God's sakes by the way if somebody fucking sent me something saying, you know, I want you to debateWith an expertSomebody who thinks you shouldn't wear a mask. It's like why would I do that? I'm not an expertI listened to experts doctors and nurses who work in hospitals with COVID patients who wear masks and don't get itAnd any time I get tested by a nurse I always I just feel the waterI get can you believe it and they just have this this dumbfounded look on their face and they just go just wear a mask IDon't I don't get why they're not wearing a mask. I'll tell you why I'll tell you why because there's too many fucking options for informationOkay, and we're all spread out back in the day when you just turned your fucking TV on and we all had this three same channels of lies
12:24We could all get on the same fucking pagerightBack in the day sports were awesome, and you can't trust the Russians. We were all on the same fucking pageOkayYou could make movies about that shitYou know red dawn the day after all of this shit and it all fucking made sense to usBecause the average dumb cuntWasn't allowed to chime in
12:54But now everybody has a sayDo you realize if a fucking plane crashed in the snowy fucking wherever the AlpsWhen they went to get out and if you were lucky enough to have an Army Ranger or a Navy SEAL some special force guy out thereWho was gonna tell you how to get the fuck out of there? They would be at least a third of the passengersOkay, would be looking at their smartphones questioning what the fuck this guy had to sayYou know not according to my researchSome fucking guy who can't even put up a tentIt's gonna question some guy, you know I
13:36Don't know I give up so all you guys asked me to itI am not an expert, but I am smart enough to know that I don't have a medical degreeSo I listened to doctors and nurses during a pandemicJesus ChristLike the people who say that like when you're when your fucking sink is busted and you have a plumber come overWhat do you do? You're sitting down your phone going, you know, you need a new fucking J pipe thingWhatever the fucking is the sink traps fall is that you're according to my research and I could be a plumber to net you're gonna question that guyWhy am I listening to him what just cuz he learned to trade he's all greasy and has half his fucking butt crack hanging out
14:20Well, how do I know he's not part of the male toxic patriarchyAnyway, plowing ahead so we go out toAnywaysCalm down bill. All rightWe don't know what I'm doing as I'm just trying to energy my way through this fucking podcast because I was just driving backandI was a for the most part. I was a model citizen this weekend, right? I made sureThat you know, I didn't bring up politics. I didn't bring up mass
15:07I didn't fuck, you know, I do it on this fucking thing. It keeps you fucking console at the edge of your seat getting all fucking madYou know spraining your fucking thumbs as you fucking write something to me that I'm probably not gonna read but you know makes you feel goodAnywaySo I was told not to do any of that shitto basically not beWho I am do I sell fucking funny that is even though I know she's right, but can you imagine a fucking world?We could say yeah, listen honey, you know, there's gonna be a lot of people out there. Just no real housewivesOkay, you know all it's well, that's not that's unfair because real housewives is just real housewives
15:47Trying to think of something annoying she does I would tell you guys but you fucking assholes would tweet it at her because you're a bunch of ratsAll rightPlowing ahead so we fucking load up and I had the best time driving out thereWith the kids my lovely wife and all that, you know, we get out to the house and everythingChill it out. I could actually see the stars. It was so quiet out thereIt was amazing. There was all these mom-and-pop places and shit that I would have gone tohad it not beenyou know
16:26All this bullshit going on we did stop at one point because we needed some snacks and we pulled into this one place and Jesus ChristThe fucking humanity in that place. It's just it's just a fucking shameAll the money that is spent that you just don't have like oneStandard fucking level of education out thereYou know, it's just it's so fucked up. It depends on where you live. What books you get?You know how good the teachers are these poor fucking people you went in there and you just none of they didn't have a chanceThey live out in the middle of the dessert, right? I'll always call to the the dessertIt's my little fucking thing remembering Greg Giorello
17:14It's kind of hard to fucking something or with your balls sticking to your leg out here in the dessertYeah fucking hard hard lives were lived in that place, you know, some woman came in looking all fucking methiAnd we had our masks on so she pulled the shirt upGod bless her and then in the end she was standing in line behind us with booze and she just was just coveringHer mouth and her nose with her handThere was some other guy over in the corner justCoffin and I'm looking at my wife is she's like do you want to get some Pringles? I'm like, Neil, let's get the fuck out of here, all rightYou don't know what that guy is coughing up, but he is coughing his fucking brains out
18:03Let's get out of hereso we got out of there andAnyways, the rest was all good the rest was all good, but I don't likeSeeing that shit, you knowGuy behind the counter like his his whole face looked like a gin blossomIt was so fucking red and then his hands were as white as mine. I was like, oh my godFucking people addiction and all of this shit going on out here. I don't I don't get itI don't get it. Then we go around the world trying to fuck. Oh, we're gonna try to fix this country
18:33Slash take all their natural resourcesSo anyway, we go out there and I had a great fucking timeMy daughter learned how to whistle I've been trying to teach it's funny when you teach a kid how to whistle, you knowThey they make the noise with with their voiceIt's like no, no, it's just windSo she just kept doing it and doing it and do it and then all of a sudden she got it and she was so frigging proud of herself andSo now she can do it, but she can't do it every time it takes her like 10 triesSo she starts laughing and then she can't get it so she smile and then she goes okay
19:13Wait a minute. Wait a minute. She's gotta like put her hand over her mouth and kind ofOkay, here we go, and then she gets it. She's so frigging excited. It was awesome, manSo we drove back this morningYou know it's great. I hadn't seenyou knowfamily members I was with I had not seen them andsince all this bullshit started andso it was awesome to see him and
19:38So this morning we leftAround midday I was thinking maybe we were gonna get stuck in some traffic going back to LA usually around the 15You catch that Vegas traffic, but then I'm thinking like you know what there's no nothing reallyOpen open in Vegas as far as I knowSo maybe we'll get lucky and we get on the highway and bump bump, but don'tIt's just fucking wall-to-wall peopleLike we were literally stopping which never really happens out in LA as bad as the traffic isAt least you creep along. I mean you'll have like moments. You stop for a second
20:13We were stopping for like 30 seconds, and I was like this is a fucking accidentSo finally we got past it, and I saw the tow trucks cleaning up and you know the car andthrowing some fuckingPlastic bumpers to the side of the road and I was joking with Nia going like you know you should have to write an apologyTo everybody that you made sit in traffic when you caused this level of a traffic jamProvided you know if it wasn't just like literally an accident, but if you like looking at your phoneAnd then you just spun out or hit somebody or whateverThey should make you part of that going out there cleaning it up. They should make you write a fucking
20:54Write a fucking letter and it wouldn't deter anybody, but it'd be funny. SoThe only bad thing that happened when I was out there in Joshua Tree was I was driving along the road and I wasAnd I was trying to find the house, you know, they're all kind of spread out and everything and I slowed downAnd I I saw our house that we were renting and I went to pull in and this guy in the car behind meThis truck this gray truckHe had like a speaker, you knowHe could have a CB or something and yellow people and I was sitting there and he just goesGet the fuck off on my road
21:33SoYeah, I don't know what this guy's deal was the thing that we rented had like Colorado plates on it and shitSo I don't know if that's what it was, but I don't know if he was fucking around a knotI beeped at him to see if he'd stop like what the fuck was I gonna do. I don't know just naturalBeing a comedian feeling like you're getting heckled or something but afterwards like for the rest of the dayIt was just making me laughIt was funny if he was just fucking around but it was even funnier if he was seriousAnd like I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to like
22:22Have somebody hear my complaint. Maybe I was going too slowAny that happens a lotMaybe they they rent out a lot of those houses and this poor bastard always has to slow down because some shit head like meHe's like looking for the house if that's what it is. It's actually fucking funny, butYou know if you like roll down the windowTo yell at somebody in your car that gives them the opportunity to yell back at you and what I love about what this guy had was I hadHe told me exactly how he was thinking and there was nothing I could say he couldn't hear meSo the guy totally wins. It's actually a great road rage
23:05Sort of device for peopleYou knowThey get to say it and then other people don't have road rage or just be like, yeah, you knowDoesn't bother me. Whatever, you knowSo anyway, we drove backI don't know if I should tell you this should I tell you this story. All right, let's I'll tell you the storyAll right, so what do people do when they go out to the desert, right?They always take fucking mushrooms or peyote or whatever. So I finally decided like, you know what? Fuck this. I'm gonna try it
23:37So my buddy told me to only take like fourAll right, so in my head, I'm like, okay, that means I should take sixAll right, because he's trying to ease me into this thing. It's like I'm only gonna do this onceI'm never gonna do it again. I want to fucking see shit talking to me, right?So I say to my wife, I'm gonna take six and she was like, well, why would you take six? He told you to take fourSo I'm like, all right, you're probably right. You're probably right. All rightSo the kids are in bed. It's a four hour rideIt's 10 o'clock at night. I'm like, fuck it. I'm going in, right? So I take this shit
24:12One pill makes you nervous, right? So I take this shitAnd uh, it didn't take long like 40 minutes later. It hit meIt just kind of felt like I ate like a fucking pot cookie or something and uhI don't knowThere was a couple of times like the toilet looked like it was breathingYou know or like a painting kind of looked like it was moving but other than that, I wasn't like seeing shit seeing shit, right?Which kind of bugged me. I was like, fuck. I knew I should have takenSix, right?
24:54But the whole time I was like nauseous. I was like, what is this?Is this like fucking heroin like you puke or something and uhI don't know. It was like it was all right. I didn't but I didn't like tripI just kind of got into a weirder sort of it felt like I ate weed or something, right?I know there's all these mushroom people going like, oh man, uhDude, you should have because everybody know it takes mushrooms like oh my god, dudeand like I I understand myself and I understand like fuckingThe universe and I'm one with it and I was looking at all people and just feeling nothing but love
25:32That didn't happen for meI think because I've been facing all of these fucking things that I've been running fromUh, it kind of went the other wayLike after I was done kind of like shit like vibrating and stuffAnd I was sort of coming downUh, I was left with this profound senseOf sadness and lonelinessAnd I was even thinking about people that I knew that I knew loved me and I still
26:04Was still feeling thatAnd I was like, what the fuck is this? This is crazy, right? SoWhatever I went to bedAnd then the next morning when I woke up I kind of I think I pieced it togetherIt was likeIt was actually a good thingIt was kind of bringing all of that stuff to the surfaceAnd it's part of like the whole all of this shit that I'm fucking finally
26:29Finally dealing withI also made me realize that I kind of slept walk through my 30s and 40sAll I was doing was trying to achieve shitbecauseReally, that's why I got into this business wasI'm going to do shitThat's going to make people laugh and then people are going to stop fucking with me. I swear to godIt goes back to like the eight-year-old me and then
26:55Because I thought being on stage everybody just automatically liked youUm and also twitter didn't existHey you ginger mongoloid, right? I thought if I did that, you knowEverybody would like me people would stop fucking with meAnd then I also thought like because I was afraid to talk toYou know girls and shit when I was youngerI was like they see me on stage and they'll come up to meI don't have to break the ice. None of that was true. You still as a comedian
27:22I think with a musician you can kind of sort of brood off in the cornerAnd they'd be like, hey, I like really like like your ukuleleYou want to hang out or something as a fucking comic you stillYou still have to fuckingNot only do you still got to work for it. They want you to be funny every eight fucking seconds like what they just saw you doingsoUm, yeah, so then that made me start watching stand-up and everythingAnd then also stop paying attention in school and just keep
27:52fantasizingabout likeJust crazy shitLike everything from fucking being the nude lead singer from acdc to like winning the medal of honor like just fucking bananaslike hero fantasiesAnd all of it came down to me not liking myself and not understandingAll this bullshit that was happening to meUm, so but along the way because of that I really got into stand-up comedy
28:22And then I just wanted to be a comedian but like what if I really get boiled down to it?That's the reason why I did itI got into it, umAnd I think all of that shit that I thenYou know, my 20s was figuring out stand-up and meeting all these great people that I am now been friends with foreverBut my 30s and 40s. I just fuckingYou know plowed throughAnd it didn't deal with all of this fucking shit that I it's embarrassing like I feel like I should have dealt with it by the time
28:54I was like 21 22Now I'm 52 going to be 53. So I think that that's what the tail end of thatLittle experience was out thereUmSo it was a good thing as much as it wasn't likeI think if you're if you kind of like yourselfIThink if you like yourself
29:20And you're at peaceWith shit that's happened to you the people in your life or were in your life or whateverI think if you're at peaceOr yeah, not even if you're not at peace if you've just fucking like gone through sadness and allowed yourself to feel sadCry to whatever but as opposed to being like I don't give a fuck. I don't give a shit. I don't careI don't give a fuck right if you just fucking do thatOr maybe I'm just being fucking narcissistic right now and thinking that my experience will be your experience if you had roughly the same sort ofThing but I would be interested to hear what anybody who's who's had something like that or I'll listen to your theories
30:01Because I'm trying to figure outI'm trying to figure out whyumAll right, well, I think I did I don't know it was it but it was you knowI did you know, whatever I fucking went to Joshua tree. I tried to hallucinate didn't quite happen, but I mean that's what'sI gave it the old college tryI don't knowI also think like I'm just not like
30:30Because one of my buddies is going like what's it like right now I go well, you know the tv looks like it's growing and it's going to fallsort ofBut not really it's not like Alice in Wonderland, but it looks like but I know it isn'tAnd then somebody else goes just go with thisIt's like go with what I don't want to fucking think the tv's falling on meI don't know the whole fucking thing was funny. So anyway, so I'm driving home when we get stuck in this trafficright andMy my wife was going like where are all these people coming from?
31:10You know, I saw a couple of amazon trucksI saw I'm like, well look some of these people live out hereSome of these are truckers and then if you look around we saw all these fucking rvs and all of this shitYou know the uhAll the desert people with the cool trucks and the dirt bikes and all of that type of stuff and umI gotta tell you man. There's some people out there that have spent some fuckingMoneyOn this shit. It's funny because you look at them
31:42Like you look at some of these big rvs these things are not fucking cheap. It's like a fucking houseYou know as far as like how much it costs like in like the middle of nowhereOh, which by the way, we were looking at those tiny little houses againYou know the little house on the prairie that these fucking assholes they they got this little houseLike the floor was particle board like you'd get splinters in your feet if you walked across itIt was on wheelsAnd there was a trailer hitch and they just backed it onto this little piece of land. They wanted 75 grand for itIt's like, you know what that's kind of if you got a big enough piece of land I kind of get it
32:27Or it's like, all rightI'll buy this fucking houseYou know unless you're just likeUnless you're just like truly like a minimalist, you knowAnd I'm I'm wondering if can you be a minimalist?And just be that and enjoy it and not have to tell other people about itYou know, but when you do get excited about something, right?I
33:00Actually, I do get it. I do get it because sometimes I look around all the fucking shit I haveThat I don't even need like throw pillows, that's my number one fucking thing nobody needs to throw pillowI guess it makes the couch look a little better, but you can't you you fucking cunt. I just hit another threeWe're gonna lose againSome guy in the fuckingThe wizards has like 44 pointsI hope this is likeIf this is all because mark is smart is out like
33:37They need to pay that guy more money because the second he went out we couldn't win. All right, there we goKen Bay WalkerUm anywayUmYeah, as we were driving back I saw this storage shit thing or it said storage shed the solution to your problemsAnd I was saying like the solution to your problem is a fucking yard sale nowLook, I get it if you're going through a divorceYou just or you just lost your job and you want to hang on to your shit until you can get something else
34:05But if you just have so much shitThat you can't even umThat's not a fucking foul. Sorry everybody's not watching the gameThat's not a shooting foulCome onOh, I guess they didn't give it to them. They didn't give it to them. Wow. Jesus christ. AnywayPlown ahead here, so umYeah, like if you're not like between shit if you just if you got so much fucking shit you need another structure to house your shit
34:44I mean, it's yeah, you got to get rid of some shit. I I do understand that so then this woman looked at a few otherThis thing like this fucking house that she looked at was 150 square feetAll rightLike you walked up these little stairs up to the bed and there was like a ropeThat you held on to instead of a banister. They couldn't even give you a fucking banisterThey gave you a rope. My buddy was going. Yeah, let's see. You can hand yourself in there. UmPulled the self up now. I thought the bed part was coolThe bed part was definitely fucking cool
35:22umBut like I don't knowI don't know what to tell you like I gotta tell you my my roomAbove my garage here, right?Like I could live if I didn't have a family I could fucking live hereI could actually live here with my family. I could I could we could we had a kitchen in here. I could actually do thatUm, I don't need that much space, but at some point you you need more than 150 fucking square feetI would think in caveman days those motherfuckers had a cave bigger than
35:53150 feet. I mean then I could live in a hole in a wallRight, umAnyway, so eventuallyShe ended up finding she found one that was evenWas like bigger and it was like less money and it had to have been a ton of landBut I was saying if you bought like one of those little ass housesThen you work your fucking ass off eventually you could likeJust have somebody drive that little house away and then build like a
36:21Like a little bigger house, right?I get it. You don't want to own a bunch of shit. I don't know. I I I'mI think it's kind of cool. There's a lot of options thereAlthough 150 square feet and you're gonna live with somebody else a man and a woman II'm gonna say even back in caveman days needed a bigger cave than that if they were gonna wellYou could drag it around by her hairYeah, guys had a little more power back thenAll right, I'm gonna shut up here. Let's do a little bus read a little advertising here
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42:14viome.com promo code burr burrAll right, there you goBruins beat the ranges split this weekend lost six to two on fridayOne four to one last nightCharlie coil had a pair. I'll tell you who else. Uh, charlie mackervoy's been fuckingFinding the back of the net latelyFucking blasted him in from the blue lineum
42:41It's been a nice fucking thingWait a second. Wait a minute. It's 1109 my fucking eyes. I thought it said there was only 30 something seconds leftI can't read this far awayWas that 12 seconds left? Do we have the ball?Do we have the ball?Oh, shit, did we just oh god, he went down hard. He fucking landed on his dickumThat's a personal file when you make a guy land on his own dick. Um
43:13Hang it down sending your balls going east and west. It's a tough thingAll right, let's let's do some reads here everybodyUh, not some reads some letters from you guys from you wonderfulWonderful people who listen to this podcast. God bless you. Um, jason tatum for twoOn the replay there. Sorry. All right helicopters are for pussies now. Wait a minuteDear dearest billum billiard brainJust writing to say how much a bitch you need to be to fly a helicopterUh, this guy's trying to get my goat and you know what I always take the fucking bait so good on him
43:51Uh, why don't you crash like a real man when your engine goes out instead of floating towards the ground like the ferry you areI'm sure you fly helicopters because when you grip the cyclic controlIt's the only time you have something with some power between your legsIt takes no skill to fly a helicopter and I'm sure my first flight would be smoother than your shiny headJesus christThat was nothing but net. I loved every second of that. All right jokes asideas an a and p mechanicWhat is a and p you work at a fucking grocery store?
44:27A and p uh aircraft and uh, what else what is an a and p mechanic?Will you speak in the fucking jar and like jargon like I know who youOkay, aUh, where's the ands fucking signal here a andpYeah grocery store mechanicI guess I had to write what is what is anA and p I know a person works on planes and helicopters an aircraft maintenance
45:01Technician refers to an individual who holds an air flame frame and or power plantOh airframe and power plant mechanicWell, aren't you a fucking badass?Jesus christ, you know those guys down mitis muffler. They don't give a fuckIf that weld fails, you're just gonna drag the fuckingExhaust pipe down the street. They don't get nobody's gonna dieYou know, you're gonna give some people some show a show with the sparksBut this takes balls to do that, huh? At what point do they feel you like good enough?
45:32Did they make you work on little fucking, uhWhat do they call drones?You know, they have you put those fucking things together and then they put a little rat or a fucking rabbit on itIf you don't kill the rodent eventually you can work your way up to peopleUm, what by the way any a and p mechanics out there. What is the rigorous testing?Or do I not want to knowAll right jokes aside as an a and p mechanic. I love it when you talk aviationPlease keep it up even if it's about those mind numbing f a a tests that I know all too well
46:06Uh wish wish you the best just kidding. Fuck youThe pats and the Celtics. Fuck you the pats and the Celtics. Jesus. SincerelyA self-loathing Atlanta sports fan. UmAll right. Well, I'm glad you enjoy that. I I I'm not gonna lie to you my whole time driving backI was like picking out airportsTrying to figure out where they wereumFrom the highway and all of that type of stuff
46:41I was trying to find bracket. I actually looked the other way. It's weirdI forgot that I always fly along the 210 and come in usually and I was on the 10 and I looked to the leftHeaded west and I should have looked to the right. I wouldn't have been able to see itBut it's just I don't know. It's just another perspective probably helped me out at some point. Ah god damn itSo oh wait wait what what the fuck happened? Holy shitWhat happenedGod knows on now. I won't be able to fucking rewind this thingI'm sorry people watching this game was like burr's gonna fucking flip out and I didn't
47:20How the fuck did it become 110 111 111 10?Did we go to the line?Did we hit a three pointer?Who was it? Who was it? All right. I'm rewinding. I'm rewindingOh, was that when Tatum drove in?He goes in again again. I saw him play at DukeDid you look at that splits the fucking defenders goes right inOh my god
47:54That guy is almost as good as I was back in the day at a nerf hoopSo these fucking NBA guys do they they do shit on like a real thing, you know, you can't even do it on a fucking nerf hoopCeltics win beautifulI love it. Sorry guys. I at some point I had to fucking focus on the podcast because this is most of the peopleListen this could give a shitAbout all of this crap that I'm talking about. UmAll right. Yeah, you know what's my dream isSome day to fly like one of those md 600s or whatever
48:28Which are basicallyYou knowThey used to call be called the huge huge 500. I think that's what what tc or somebody had on magna piwhatever that character's name wasand uh, I always just thought it was the coolest looking fucking helicopterAnd um, since then they were bought as they're all corporations get bought out bymcdonald douglas or whatever the fuck they are. So now it's the md600 they got the one with the notar system and all of that shit
48:55But recently a buddy of mine knows a guy who knows a guy that just got one and he's trying to see if uh, eventuallyYou know, I could fuckingGo up with them and fly it that would be incredibleFucking incredible. I heard it'sLike I got a buddy of mine one of the guys that trained meumHe flies one every dayum, I forget what state he's in now, but
49:20He was saying it's almost like cheating. It's so stable how easy it is to hover. SoI'm dying to see what that's like. All right. My dad isOh, my dad is an actor is an actor you gave a shout out to get out of hereokayHey bill recently I went down a youtube rabbit holeWhich led me to watching actors talk about their most iconic roles while watching timRoth talk about his role in reservoir dogs. I noticed they show a clip of the scene that my dad acted inWait a minute, dude. Is he is he the the cop?
49:57I said buddyI am gonna shoot you in the faceYou don't put your fucking hands thereUh having never searched for that scene on youtube before I was curious to watch it again and read what people thought of itIt was cool to see that a lot of people thought my dad was funny and played a realistic cop. Dude, that guy was fucking greatHe was fucking greatI also noticed that most of the comments stated that bill burr brought them here after finding outWhat they were referring to I listened to the podcast
50:30from a few years agoWhere you gave my dad rich turnerBut shout out to rich turner crushing that scene a shout out for his role and his lineBuddy i'm gonna shoot you in the face if you don't put your handsOn that fucking oh fucking dash that's buddyI'm gonna try to I'm gonna try to do it justice. I said buddyI am gonna shoot you in the faceIf you don't put your hands on that fucking dash
50:59Um, I shared that part of the podcast with my dadAnd his response was who the hell is bill burr? Oh, that's greatUm, the only tv he watches his old westerns like gun smokeI relate to that guyI said he's a comedian fucking hilarious. He said that he had never heard of youbutWe're automatically his new favorite comedian. That was about a week ago since thenHe has watched a few of your netflix specials and thinks you're great. Just thought I'd share that dude. That's so fucking cool
51:33Shout out to rich turner crushing that sceneWhat I loved about that was I was I was picturing the auditionUm for those of you who aren't in the acting gameIt's just words. It just says buddy. I'm gonna shoot you in the face if you don't put your hands on that fucking dashLike a lot of people probably read it that so I said buddyI'm gonna shoot you in the fucking face. You don't put your hands in the fucking dashJust yell through the whole thing the way that he did that andlike
52:03I don't know why it's like I've I've met that cop beforeIt was a still the cadence of itwas likea specificCopYou know, I've been to enough parties that had beenBroken up by cops and shit went to enough sporting events and watched cops have to drag fucking drunks like me back in the dayOut of the game
52:26And there was a certain I don't know there's something about that cadence where he was doing a real guy. That's what I loved about itumAnd to have a role that size in a in a movie that big and still stand outumLike I mean that's that's I mean that's what that's what the fuck it's all aboutincredible actorTip of the cap. All rightfull of shit media
52:55Uh, hey billy bleach boy. I've been reading threads of tweets going around from a year agoBefore the lockdown started it shows how conservatives were concernedAbout the numbers of possible deaths some even noted hospital crowdingThe liberal media was saying it will pass right through and everyone will be okay. Oh god guys. We got to stop doing thisCan we just admit we're all in the same fucking thing? I imagine there was liberals saying that I imagine there was conservatives saying thatI imagine there was liberals and conservatives saying no, this is a real thingTo just keep fucking pointing across the aisle. We're just going to be yelling at each otherOh god, I feel like this country is in divorce court and the judge is never going to make a fucking decision
53:43Just fucking pointing at each other anyway when lockdown started the script was flippedIt was so easy for the media to make red state people anti-masqueras and liberalsUh pro shutdown. All right, you lost me there was so easy for the media to make red state peopleAnti-mask and oh and liberals pro shutdown. Everyone is so gullible. Yeah, including youWhy did the narrative change when the lockdown started? Oh, oh godTell me they're internet scientists the common sense is to keepShit open and and to enforce masks in storesWhy okay no argument against this solution has ever made sense wait
54:27Everyone is so gullible. Oh except youYou're the smart one. Well, you know what I'll be open-minded you explain it you you figured it out. All rightAll right, why did the narrative change when the lockdown started?I followed you up to there. The common sense answer is to keep shit openAnd to enforce masks in storesWell if the narrative changed then liberals would have been sayingThat it was gonna be a big dealSo why would they say keep shit open? Well, I thought liberals was saying shut shit down
55:08I don't know dudeAnyway, no argument against this solution has ever has ever made sense to me. Maybe it's I'm sick of seeingFellow brown people I'm half black halfPersian because I'm sureYou're wondering I actually wasn'tumMaybe it's I'm sick of seeing fellow brown people doing delivery jobs and working grocery stores while my white college friendsCan simply work from home. It's so fucked up
55:38I live in a nice looking low-income neighborhood outside of a major cityAnd it looks visibly worse since this all started and I don't care if peopleFuck that up my cousin shot shut down after the citySaid they needed to be stricter because people weren't wearing masksThat shit wasn't my cousin's faultNo one fucked around in there at all, but he had to shut downUh, so if we're into punishing people because others can't be smart then we're punishing innocent peopleYou talk about this shit all the time. Yeah, but also you're talking about you're literally trying to
56:17herd cats here and in the united states you're trying to herdYou know upwards of half a billion people all of whom are on the internet all of whom think they have the right answerAnd I always go to if you can tell me if an egg is good for you or bad for youThen you have conquered the fucking internet because there is or if red meat's good or bad for youOr if if that fucking impossible burger is actually a good thing or a bad thingIf you can sift through all of that shitAnd fuck is how do you how do you do it is my question?Um, and yeah, if you're if your cousin was did you say it was your cousin or your brother?
56:59Uh, your cousin if he was doing the right thing he absolutely got punished because of these fucking idiots, but likeThe blame fall it falls on all of usBlue tie red tie media government and regular peopleAll right, it falls on all of us becauseWe're all humanSo everybody's trying to do what they think is the right thing to fucking do. I just do know in the end it's it's to sit there and likeumSay that this thing is fucked up because of this political group or this thing or that thing
57:35It's just it's not I don't agree with that. I'll put it that way. I don't agree with thatOkay, but people who walk around and don't wear masks are fucking moronsAnd not because I say say so because I've talked to doctors and nursesYou know, I went in I got my heart checked outIt's fucking cedars one of the best fucking hospitals and they were all beside themselves goingI don't know what people are doing. I just if they just wear a fucking mask, they'd be fineumBut instead I'm supposed to listen to an expert who doesn't work at cedars
58:06But has a youtube channel. I don't knowAnyway, they have no connection to the problems. They're screaming solutions forUh, and I'm not saying everybody who's like fucking the other way is not necessarily a doctorBut like there's also, you know, the same way there's bad comedians. There's alsoBad doctors, but you don't get that gigIf you're a fuck up if you're a lunatic who has a medical degree. Yeah, I don't I want to hear something from a mainstreamI don't want to talk about it. Just I'm sick of it. I'm fucking sick of itBut I'm going to read the rest of this here
58:38They have no connection to the problems they're screaming solutions forMy neighborhood doesn't need to be told what to do by governor fuckface GavinUh, he nor anyone else I've heard behind a podium address any of the real issues going onThey are addressing real issues people are dying. They just don't have the solutionsOkay, and he is a convenient guy to shit onBecause he's the governorOkay, and he has fucked up from what I've heardI don't know but like to turn to blind eye to all these selfish fucking cunts. Oh my god. Can't wait
59:15It's such a pain in the I fucking hate himYou know, it's it's also that it isn't just governor fuckface Gavin. It's alsoSome fuckhead like that fat fuck the other week just walking down the middle of the streetWho was totally fine that if I didn't move he wasn't gonna move and then I'm fucking breathing whatever the fuck is inside of himAnd he doesn't give a fuck the same way he doesn't give a fuck if anybody in the houseHe lives in gets the last sleeve of cookies because he's obviously eating them anyways my original postPoint bill is no one has an original pointUh, this isn't done out of care or principles. It's done out of inhumane group think
59:57Love you in the podcastLove you and thanks for the podcast. All right, you kind of long this isn't done out of care or principlesIt's done out of inhumane group think group thinking you meanumWell, I mean I I also think you know, we haven't faced anything like this in my entire fucking lifeand how shit works isThey wait to shit happensYou know, if you look at fucking 9 11 and all of that shit they waited until it happened until they got
01:00:29The level of security that they needed to prevent something like that from happening because moneyIs not spent to prevent shitMoney is spent to solve shitThey don't want to fucking do all that that's why they'll fuckingThey'll let design flaws be out there and they just wait until people die and then they fix itBecause I don't know the slaves to money. I have no idea. It's all out. It's all above my pay gradeBut I respect your opinions and I hope your cousin's shop opens again soon and I hope uh governor fuckfaceGets a little more informed and I think the average fucking idiot walking around out there with no medical degree
01:01:12You know who seeks out crazy fucking people that agree with their opinionSo they can feel justified with being a selfish cunt fucking wake up at some pointBut I don't think they're going toso umSo here we sit. All right opinionhospital photos of newborn and familyHey, father freckles just wanted to start out by saying thank you for your commentary about being a fatherI became a dad a little more than a year ago and your insight helps me remember to enjoy the little moments
01:01:40And be a better father. Oh, yeah, if you saw the excitement of my daughter's faceWhen she learned how to whistleYou know last week she got the balance bike thing downUmIt's amazing and it gives them confidenceAnd you just tell them how proud you are of them and then they want to learn more stuffAnd they go into it more confidentlyUm, it's awesome. Anyway
01:02:06He says anyway, I have been thinking about the experience of my wifeThe experience my wife and I had in the hospital after our daughter was bornThankfully pre-covid. I gotta tell you I had a kid during covid and it was never safer because they they pregnant women had their own entranceUmWith our first kid, you know, anybody could come fucking walking through the doorSo it's actually it's not as badumOkay, we were in our room
01:02:34When this young lady who works for the hospital comes in walking in with the camera saying it's time for us to take some family pictureswhen we asked aboutWhat happens with the pictures? She said we would have the options of purchasing digital photos and or hard copiesOh, dude, I would have been like no, don't you not take my fucking picture get out of hereUh, so after taking the pictures she stepped away for a couple minutesMy wife and I talked about and decided not to spend the money because we took quite a few pictures on our phonesAnd thought that it would be enoughBut when the lady came back she showed us the photos
01:03:06In a slideshow on a laptop with some twinkling ass piano music behind itMy wife and I completely fell for it just balling at the cuteness and we ended upPaying the 100 plus for the 12 digital files. Oh, the hospital's got a new hustleUh on one hand it seemed like this service is a nice way for flustered new parents to get some nice photos to remember the dayBut it bothers me that it also feels like this lady played that slideshow only to make us vulnerableSo we'd be easily coaxed into buying dude. That is fucking hilariousI swear to god in another lifeI would get into the corporate world just because I want to be in I just want to be in one of those meetings
01:03:48Like how does that go down?How can we squeeze another hundred dollars out of these people?Well, what if what if we uhWe you know the other the other day I went to a water parkAnd they had this thing where you could take picturesThey took pictures of you on the ride and then afterwards you could purchase them and a lot of people would purchaseI like that idea. Where you going with this?Well, you know, we could take pictures of them in the uh the hospital room, you know when they were in the room and
01:04:19And then what show them on the camera?Well, yeah, I mean that'sSusan, what do you say? What have we played sad piano music?I don't know umprank gone wrongprankGone wrong. Hey you guys you want to just forget the whole fucking mass shitI'm sick of talking about it and I'm not making any of you who don't want to wear them wear them
01:04:44So what why don't we just stop?Let's just be friends again. Can we do that? All right prank gone wrongYou know, I'm not doing it. I'm not fucking talking about that shitI will make fun of people but I'm not I'm not gonna get involved in this shit anymoreAll right prank on wrong. Hey billy meisterUh find myself in a little predicament here me and my wife work out regularly. She startedStealing my pre-workout powderand I always
01:05:13Insist she buy her own because mine is a little intense and expensiveWhat the fuck is war pre-workout powder?Oh my god, I always look up this shit you guys talk about and then I get I get ads for them for like the next six yearspre-workoutPowder oh like you drink like a drink. OhI was picturing you like, you know, like those weight lifters like LeBron James. You clap your hands. I'm likeWhat fucking weight is this guy putting up?um
01:05:46OkayI would always insist she buy her own because mine is a little intense and expensiveYeah, Jesus Christ. She's gonna fucking grow chest hair over thereOf course, she didn't buy her own and continued stealing my pre-workout. So here is the prankI filled an empty pre-workout container with kool-aid and she's been taking it for about two weeksWe have a beach trip coming up and fears she will beWill overreact when I tell her she's been taking sugar and rich kool-aidHow can I break the news to her so I don't get killed?
01:06:23Love the podcast and go fuck yourself. Wait, how long you've been doing this?Uh, it all depends on howHowGo to sense of humans yet. This is how you fucked up is you let her do it for a weekOf course, she didn't buy her own. I filled it. Uh, she's been taking it for two weeksAnd you're getting ready to go to the beachOne of the places where a woman fills the mo I mean everybody doesBut you know, I know women they think the way they feel it is way more intense
01:07:01Um, so yeah, dude, umYou have two you have three options here you tell her and she gets madUh, you don't tell herAnd you laugh about it to yourself. The thing about it is is you came up with a greatA great way to tell her she needs to get her own workout powderBut then you just let her do it for two fucking weeksThen that's when it became weird that you kept doing it, but I gotta tell you it's fucking funnyThat she's been drinking Kool-Aid
01:07:45Um, but also you're kind of having her take ingest shit into her body that she doesn't want to takeI know it's just Kool-AidBut now the way the world is that'll be some sort of stomach rape at some pointHe drummed her with Kool-Aid and sugarUmWhat would I do here?Um, what would I do here?Dude, why did you wait two weeks?
01:08:16All right, this is what I would doI wouldn't tell her I just say fuck it and uhYou don't want to keep drinking Kool-Aid just say you actually knocked it overYou spilled it on the floor and you had to vacuum it up when she's not around so now the Kool-Aid's goneOkay, and then she'll go out and she'll buy her own goddamn thingAnd then you're done. Okay, so this would just be a jokeYou waited too long dude. You waited too long. UmI think you need to read a go buy a book
01:08:52Called how to fucking do a Kool-Aid prank because you went too far. It's funny that you did thatUh, and if you just did it one dayAnd you just came home. How'd you feel you feel good about to work out and just laugh, uhRemember I told you to buy the powder and you didn't well. I replaced it with Kool-Aid this morning. You drank Kool-AidAnd you know what she'd still be fucking mad, but she wouldn't be as mad the fact that you did it for two weeksIt's a little fucking weird dudeYou did it for you did it for quite a whileYeah, I wouldn't say shit I wouldn't say shit and I just act like I spilt it and then what I would do is I would um
01:09:31I buy some replacement powder for yourself and I would hide itWhy do you have to fucking hide it? You know what I mean? I don't it's just you know, I don't knowI gotta tell you dude. You stumped me. You stumped me. This this something you waited too fucking longYou had the perfect little fucking thing and you could have laughed at her and then when she got mad you could beListen, I told youTo get your ownyour own fucking powderYou know, you know, what if you love me you fucking play me play me play
01:10:05Shut upumYeah, I wouldn't tell herI wouldn't tell her but I would keep putting my foot down that you can't use your powderTell her to get her own fucking powder before she has hairy titsOh, that's what that's what you should have done. Well, you know what just to let you knowThis thing is overloaded in testosterone and uh, let's just say you might need a fucking weed whacker to fuckingAnd
01:10:26You knowGet rid of your back hereYou know or she could just respect youAll right, this is going off the rails hereOkay, umBrad Stevens looks hilarious with the fucking mask on I'm watching the post the post game here. Um, all rightThat's the podcast everybody. God bless youAnd uh go fuck yourselves and I will check it on you on thursday. Go Celtic scope ruins. Go fuck yourselves
01:10:54Thanks for watching
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