Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 3-1-21

Episode Date: March 1, 2021

Bill rambles about yelling at TV menus, desert activities, and hospital photos.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday match first In like a lamb out like a lion In like a lion out like a lamb, I don't fucking know. I live out on the West Coast. I Don't I don't even know what I don't you guys need to report to me I know you had a bunch of snow. I have no idea what the fuck's going on. This is what I do know I'm I've been watching. I got the Celtics on in the background recording this Sunday afternoon

75 71 minute 14 to go in the third quarter Celtics need to win this game to go seven and nine for the month You know snapped the three game losing streak on Friday night beating the Indiana Pacers Well, you know secretly one of my favorite fucking teams out there simply because They're the only team I ever saw other than the Boston Bruins go into the stands and beat the shit out of people You know now granted they didn't get the right people, but like, you know, I think that that needs to happen once a decade Once a decade a hockey team a basketball team

You know baseball players remember that time those two fucking dirtbags attack that first base ref ref First base coach That was a while ago Then all the baseball players beat the shit out of him It's just it has to happen every once in a while because look at people's behavior now People blame it Trump people bring in Hillary people blame and fucking doctors and all that's you know Everybody's got a fucking theory You know and I think it's no coincidence

That when you look back over the last ten years no professional athletes went into the stands and beat the shit out of regular people I think it needs to happen Sorry I Got to be honest with you these fucking goddamn TVs now Every month and a half. I need to I have to relearn Because there's some sort of update I need to relearn how to turn on my fucking TV to get regular TV and it's getting harder and harder To get regular TV because it just sends you this is fucking thing like I like this new app

And I'm like is it said TV plus I'm like is that tea it says TV is that what it Is that what I hit and then I get on right couldn't find that that I found some search things So I'm like all right get me back to regular TV. I Don't want to stream the 8,000 new shows that came out in the last five fucking minutes. I Don't care. Oh my god. Have you seen none cunt? Have you seen that one? Yeah? Oh, it's a fucking female empowerment thing about a nun. He who rapes a priest. Oh shit, dude You got to see it. I don't I

Don't I only have so many fucking hours in my day and I waste them watching sports That's what I want to do and I don't want to watch it on a fucking app I swear to God if they would come back with those big wooden fucking TVs that weighed 9,000 fucking pounds And you just went up and you just pulled the knob. I would I would be happy You know not saying I don't love a remote. Okay, the remote was a great fucking idea Without a doubt but somewhere along the line like I'm trying to turn my TV on I'm sitting there With fucking two remotes in my hand like I'm in a fucking spaghetti Western like holding a couple of pistols trying to Fucking thing out and I got to hit the press on the house on one of them

And then I got to go guide on the other trying to get that fucking thing to scroll but Oh Shit wrong team. Yeah, I don't know who fuck everybody by the way. Why are they wearing? Why are the Washington Wizards dressed like like a fucking American Airlines plane? I literally thought that was us because a couple nights ago I was watching the Celtics and we were wearing that same gray with green Oh god, is this what getting old is like you just start yelling at your TV everything's changing too fast

I bet back in the day, right? It probably freaked old people out when all of a sudden TV was on all day You know, yeah, howdy-doody used to come on at four and it was done. Everything was done at nine Jack Parr said I'll fucking see you later And then they played patriotic music Anyway Fuck Yeah, so you wouldn't know it. I just went on a vacation and had a great time and Three days of rest and relaxation as much as you can with kids and shit

But I had an awesome time and everything was great. I fucking came home. I unpacked everything I mean fucking everything right and then I come in here and all I want to do All I want to do is watch the Celtics, right? It's all I wanted to just put it on the fucking background I just want to fucking sit down and I literally sat over there like You know when it won't When it doesn't do what I wanted to do I yell at it You know, I was just sitting there with The two remotes going regular TV

Regular fucking tea. I just want regular TV I Did that for like fucking 11 minutes trying to find this fucking stupid game Geez I like I don't understand how much time these flat-screen TVs think I have in a day This fucking thing has Netflix Amazon Prime About 5,000 other fucking things I've never even heard of and then like when I typed in ABC just to get back to the motherland Regular TV

They had their own streaming thing was fucking hilarious. It came up all these stupid pictures of smiling families, you know You know the show picture We've all been that we've all see every fucking show, right? They had the friends. They were in the fountain You know cheers. They were sitting around the bar. Hey Bill. How about a show that didn't come out 30 fucking years ago? All right Wait a minute, I guess I don't want to TV no according to Jim was a while ago No, there was one I watched I know I watched it because I sat down I said I was gonna watch it I can't remember the name of it. Oh Fuck I give up there's too much shit. I'm too fucking old. That's all this

That's all I'm trying to say people enjoy your youth enjoy your youth while you can because you can end up like me one day And you poor bastards you're probably gonna be holding four remote controls Screaming, you know, where is Netflix? You know, I don't want to you know China will probably have like the number one streaming fucking service at that point They finally take over, right? And everybody's watching that shit everybody's fucking speaking Mandarin and you can be like Speak English and fucking watch Netflix like we used to

So anyway, we went on it on a Griswold family trip rented a big-ass Chevy Suburban I'm a Ford guy driving the bowtie this weekend Williams From Pritchard, sorry Anyway, I rented this big fucking The fuck was it a giant Suburban And we loaded this fucking thing up I brought my daughter's balance bike I Brought her scooter

Right. We had all our clothes and all of that shit. And you know, I was meeting some family out there Joshua tree is where we went my wife always wanted to go there. So everybody got fucking tested like the night before Stayed away got in our fucking cars and then just drove there and we like rented a house and You know went into Joshua tree and all that just had a fucking great time and no I did not say Where is the Joshua tree? Although I will tell you because I don't know if you're new to my podcast. That's what I did The first time I in only time I went there like 11 fucking years ago. I Asked a park ranger, where is the Joshua tree?

You know, because I thought it was a specific one then I didn't realize it was a speech species I thought it was like some biblical shit like Job Joshua one of those Jay guys Jesus, right? There's always some fucking guy with the First name begins with the J in the Bible telling you what to do So I said, yeah, that's what I said. I said, where is where is the Joshua tree? No in my defense if it's just a species of Tree is it species or we just call it a strain. I don't know what the fuck. I'm not into plants Why why wouldn't you call it Joshua trees right not trying to be a douche, but

If every fucking three days I can get a text from some stupid Yellow-toothed cunt and Great Britain going. What do you call it football? Like that like like they're the most clever fucking person like nobody has ever said that You know, I did you know what this should be a fucking taser Everybody has a taser and legally you are allowed to bring it out when somebody says something says a fucking old joke or just oh I got ideas this week. Okay. Here's one. Here's one for you You know the one I can't fucking stand as I watch a lot of these videos where people try shit

And then they fuck up the fail videos and there's always some douche has to write play stupid games win stupid prizes and Then people respond to it Like it's the first time they've heard it that fucking comment is under every fucking video You could literally have an old lady reaching down to grab her slipper and throw out her back and some douche is gonna write play stupid games with stupid prizes It's not even a good fucking saying that's what pisses me off. That's what really annoys me, you know what I mean I

Get like hey, you know a broken clock is right twice a fucking day, you know, I get that that makes sense kind of clever play stupid games with with stupid prizes Like what I love is I Just love how hey look at fucking it put your mask on put your fucking mask on I Love people when they yell Yelling through a mask like it's it's not like you're in a fucking, you know a soundproof studio It's a fucking paper mache mask

For God's sakes by the way if somebody fucking sent me something saying, you know, I want you to debate With an expert Somebody who thinks you shouldn't wear a mask. It's like why would I do that? I'm not an expert I listened to experts doctors and nurses who work in hospitals with COVID patients who wear masks and don't get it And any time I get tested by a nurse I always I just feel the water I get can you believe it and they just have this this dumbfounded look on their face and they just go just wear a mask I Don't I don't get why they're not wearing a mask. I'll tell you why I'll tell you why because there's too many fucking options for information Okay, and we're all spread out back in the day when you just turned your fucking TV on and we all had this three same channels of lies

We could all get on the same fucking page right Back in the day sports were awesome, and you can't trust the Russians. We were all on the same fucking page Okay You could make movies about that shit You know red dawn the day after all of this shit and it all fucking made sense to us Because the average dumb cunt Wasn't allowed to chime in

But now everybody has a say Do you realize if a fucking plane crashed in the snowy fucking wherever the Alps When they went to get out and if you were lucky enough to have an Army Ranger or a Navy SEAL some special force guy out there Who was gonna tell you how to get the fuck out of there? They would be at least a third of the passengers Okay, would be looking at their smartphones questioning what the fuck this guy had to say You know not according to my research Some fucking guy who can't even put up a tent It's gonna question some guy, you know I

Don't know I give up so all you guys asked me to it I am not an expert, but I am smart enough to know that I don't have a medical degree So I listened to doctors and nurses during a pandemic Jesus Christ Like the people who say that like when you're when your fucking sink is busted and you have a plumber come over What do you do? You're sitting down your phone going, you know, you need a new fucking J pipe thing Whatever the fucking is the sink traps fall is that you're according to my research and I could be a plumber to net you're gonna question that guy Why am I listening to him what just cuz he learned to trade he's all greasy and has half his fucking butt crack hanging out

Well, how do I know he's not part of the male toxic patriarchy Anyway, plowing ahead so we go out to Anyways Calm down bill. All right We don't know what I'm doing as I'm just trying to energy my way through this fucking podcast because I was just driving back and I was a for the most part. I was a model citizen this weekend, right? I made sure That you know, I didn't bring up politics. I didn't bring up mass

I didn't fuck, you know, I do it on this fucking thing. It keeps you fucking console at the edge of your seat getting all fucking mad You know spraining your fucking thumbs as you fucking write something to me that I'm probably not gonna read but you know makes you feel good Anyway So I was told not to do any of that shit to basically not be Who I am do I sell fucking funny that is even though I know she's right, but can you imagine a fucking world? We could say yeah, listen honey, you know, there's gonna be a lot of people out there. Just no real housewives Okay, you know all it's well, that's not that's unfair because real housewives is just real housewives

Trying to think of something annoying she does I would tell you guys but you fucking assholes would tweet it at her because you're a bunch of rats All right Plowing ahead so we fucking load up and I had the best time driving out there With the kids my lovely wife and all that, you know, we get out to the house and everything Chill it out. I could actually see the stars. It was so quiet out there It was amazing. There was all these mom-and-pop places and shit that I would have gone to had it not been you know

All this bullshit going on we did stop at one point because we needed some snacks and we pulled into this one place and Jesus Christ The fucking humanity in that place. It's just it's just a fucking shame All the money that is spent that you just don't have like one Standard fucking level of education out there You know, it's just it's so fucked up. It depends on where you live. What books you get? You know how good the teachers are these poor fucking people you went in there and you just none of they didn't have a chance They live out in the middle of the dessert, right? I'll always call to the the dessert It's my little fucking thing remembering Greg Giorello

It's kind of hard to fucking something or with your balls sticking to your leg out here in the dessert Yeah fucking hard hard lives were lived in that place, you know, some woman came in looking all fucking methi And we had our masks on so she pulled the shirt up God bless her and then in the end she was standing in line behind us with booze and she just was just covering Her mouth and her nose with her hand There was some other guy over in the corner just Coffin and I'm looking at my wife is she's like do you want to get some Pringles? I'm like, Neil, let's get the fuck out of here, all right You don't know what that guy is coughing up, but he is coughing his fucking brains out

Let's get out of here so we got out of there and Anyways, the rest was all good the rest was all good, but I don't like Seeing that shit, you know Guy behind the counter like his his whole face looked like a gin blossom It was so fucking red and then his hands were as white as mine. I was like, oh my god Fucking people addiction and all of this shit going on out here. I don't I don't get it I don't get it. Then we go around the world trying to fuck. Oh, we're gonna try to fix this country

Slash take all their natural resources So anyway, we go out there and I had a great fucking time My daughter learned how to whistle I've been trying to teach it's funny when you teach a kid how to whistle, you know They they make the noise with with their voice It's like no, no, it's just wind So she just kept doing it and doing it and do it and then all of a sudden she got it and she was so frigging proud of herself and So now she can do it, but she can't do it every time it takes her like 10 tries So she starts laughing and then she can't get it so she smile and then she goes okay

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. She's gotta like put her hand over her mouth and kind of Okay, here we go, and then she gets it. She's so frigging excited. It was awesome, man So we drove back this morning You know it's great. I hadn't seen you know family members I was with I had not seen them and since all this bullshit started and so it was awesome to see him and

So this morning we left Around midday I was thinking maybe we were gonna get stuck in some traffic going back to LA usually around the 15 You catch that Vegas traffic, but then I'm thinking like you know what there's no nothing really Open open in Vegas as far as I know So maybe we'll get lucky and we get on the highway and bump bump, but don't It's just fucking wall-to-wall people Like we were literally stopping which never really happens out in LA as bad as the traffic is At least you creep along. I mean you'll have like moments. You stop for a second

We were stopping for like 30 seconds, and I was like this is a fucking accident So finally we got past it, and I saw the tow trucks cleaning up and you know the car and throwing some fucking Plastic bumpers to the side of the road and I was joking with Nia going like you know you should have to write an apology To everybody that you made sit in traffic when you caused this level of a traffic jam Provided you know if it wasn't just like literally an accident, but if you like looking at your phone And then you just spun out or hit somebody or whatever They should make you part of that going out there cleaning it up. They should make you write a fucking

Write a fucking letter and it wouldn't deter anybody, but it'd be funny. So The only bad thing that happened when I was out there in Joshua Tree was I was driving along the road and I was And I was trying to find the house, you know, they're all kind of spread out and everything and I slowed down And I I saw our house that we were renting and I went to pull in and this guy in the car behind me This truck this gray truck He had like a speaker, you know He could have a CB or something and yellow people and I was sitting there and he just goes Get the fuck off on my road

So Yeah, I don't know what this guy's deal was the thing that we rented had like Colorado plates on it and shit So I don't know if that's what it was, but I don't know if he was fucking around a knot I beeped at him to see if he'd stop like what the fuck was I gonna do. I don't know just natural Being a comedian feeling like you're getting heckled or something but afterwards like for the rest of the day It was just making me laugh It was funny if he was just fucking around but it was even funnier if he was serious And like I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to like

Have somebody hear my complaint. Maybe I was going too slow Any that happens a lot Maybe they they rent out a lot of those houses and this poor bastard always has to slow down because some shit head like me He's like looking for the house if that's what it is. It's actually fucking funny, but You know if you like roll down the window To yell at somebody in your car that gives them the opportunity to yell back at you and what I love about what this guy had was I had He told me exactly how he was thinking and there was nothing I could say he couldn't hear me So the guy totally wins. It's actually a great road rage

Sort of device for people You know They get to say it and then other people don't have road rage or just be like, yeah, you know Doesn't bother me. Whatever, you know So anyway, we drove back I don't know if I should tell you this should I tell you this story. All right, let's I'll tell you the story All right, so what do people do when they go out to the desert, right? They always take fucking mushrooms or peyote or whatever. So I finally decided like, you know what? Fuck this. I'm gonna try it

So my buddy told me to only take like four All right, so in my head, I'm like, okay, that means I should take six All right, because he's trying to ease me into this thing. It's like I'm only gonna do this once I'm never gonna do it again. I want to fucking see shit talking to me, right? So I say to my wife, I'm gonna take six and she was like, well, why would you take six? He told you to take four So I'm like, all right, you're probably right. You're probably right. All right So the kids are in bed. It's a four hour ride It's 10 o'clock at night. I'm like, fuck it. I'm going in, right? So I take this shit

One pill makes you nervous, right? So I take this shit And uh, it didn't take long like 40 minutes later. It hit me It just kind of felt like I ate like a fucking pot cookie or something and uh I don't know There was a couple of times like the toilet looked like it was breathing You know or like a painting kind of looked like it was moving but other than that, I wasn't like seeing shit seeing shit, right? Which kind of bugged me. I was like, fuck. I knew I should have taken Six, right?

But the whole time I was like nauseous. I was like, what is this? Is this like fucking heroin like you puke or something and uh I don't know. It was like it was all right. I didn't but I didn't like trip I just kind of got into a weirder sort of it felt like I ate weed or something, right? I know there's all these mushroom people going like, oh man, uh Dude, you should have because everybody know it takes mushrooms like oh my god, dude and like I I understand myself and I understand like fucking The universe and I'm one with it and I was looking at all people and just feeling nothing but love

That didn't happen for me I think because I've been facing all of these fucking things that I've been running from Uh, it kind of went the other way Like after I was done kind of like shit like vibrating and stuff And I was sort of coming down Uh, I was left with this profound sense Of sadness and loneliness And I was even thinking about people that I knew that I knew loved me and I still

Was still feeling that And I was like, what the fuck is this? This is crazy, right? So Whatever I went to bed And then the next morning when I woke up I kind of I think I pieced it together It was like It was actually a good thing It was kind of bringing all of that stuff to the surface And it's part of like the whole all of this shit that I'm fucking finally

Finally dealing with I also made me realize that I kind of slept walk through my 30s and 40s All I was doing was trying to achieve shit because Really, that's why I got into this business was I'm going to do shit That's going to make people laugh and then people are going to stop fucking with me. I swear to god It goes back to like the eight-year-old me and then

Because I thought being on stage everybody just automatically liked you Um and also twitter didn't exist Hey you ginger mongoloid, right? I thought if I did that, you know Everybody would like me people would stop fucking with me And then I also thought like because I was afraid to talk to You know girls and shit when I was younger I was like they see me on stage and they'll come up to me I don't have to break the ice. None of that was true. You still as a comedian

I think with a musician you can kind of sort of brood off in the corner And they'd be like, hey, I like really like like your ukulele You want to hang out or something as a fucking comic you still You still have to fucking Not only do you still got to work for it. They want you to be funny every eight fucking seconds like what they just saw you doing so Um, yeah, so then that made me start watching stand-up and everything And then also stop paying attention in school and just keep

fantasizing about like Just crazy shit Like everything from fucking being the nude lead singer from acdc to like winning the medal of honor like just fucking bananas like hero fantasies And all of it came down to me not liking myself and not understanding All this bullshit that was happening to me Um, so but along the way because of that I really got into stand-up comedy

And then I just wanted to be a comedian but like what if I really get boiled down to it? That's the reason why I did it I got into it, um And I think all of that shit that I then You know, my 20s was figuring out stand-up and meeting all these great people that I am now been friends with forever But my 30s and 40s. I just fucking You know plowed through And it didn't deal with all of this fucking shit that I it's embarrassing like I feel like I should have dealt with it by the time

I was like 21 22 Now I'm 52 going to be 53. So I think that that's what the tail end of that Little experience was out there Um So it was a good thing as much as it wasn't like I think if you're if you kind of like yourself I Think if you like yourself

And you're at peace With shit that's happened to you the people in your life or were in your life or whatever I think if you're at peace Or yeah, not even if you're not at peace if you've just fucking like gone through sadness and allowed yourself to feel sad Cry to whatever but as opposed to being like I don't give a fuck. I don't give a shit. I don't care I don't give a fuck right if you just fucking do that Or maybe I'm just being fucking narcissistic right now and thinking that my experience will be your experience if you had roughly the same sort of Thing but I would be interested to hear what anybody who's who's had something like that or I'll listen to your theories

Because I'm trying to figure out I'm trying to figure out why um All right, well, I think I did I don't know it was it but it was you know I did you know, whatever I fucking went to Joshua tree. I tried to hallucinate didn't quite happen, but I mean that's what's I gave it the old college try I don't know I also think like I'm just not like

Because one of my buddies is going like what's it like right now I go well, you know the tv looks like it's growing and it's going to fall sort of But not really it's not like Alice in Wonderland, but it looks like but I know it isn't And then somebody else goes just go with this It's like go with what I don't want to fucking think the tv's falling on me I don't know the whole fucking thing was funny. So anyway, so I'm driving home when we get stuck in this traffic right and My my wife was going like where are all these people coming from?

You know, I saw a couple of amazon trucks I saw I'm like, well look some of these people live out here Some of these are truckers and then if you look around we saw all these fucking rvs and all of this shit You know the uh All the desert people with the cool trucks and the dirt bikes and all of that type of stuff and um I gotta tell you man. There's some people out there that have spent some fucking Money On this shit. It's funny because you look at them

Like you look at some of these big rvs these things are not fucking cheap. It's like a fucking house You know as far as like how much it costs like in like the middle of nowhere Oh, which by the way, we were looking at those tiny little houses again You know the little house on the prairie that these fucking assholes they they got this little house Like the floor was particle board like you'd get splinters in your feet if you walked across it It was on wheels And there was a trailer hitch and they just backed it onto this little piece of land. They wanted 75 grand for it It's like, you know what that's kind of if you got a big enough piece of land I kind of get it

Or it's like, all right I'll buy this fucking house You know unless you're just like Unless you're just like truly like a minimalist, you know And I'm I'm wondering if can you be a minimalist? And just be that and enjoy it and not have to tell other people about it You know, but when you do get excited about something, right? I

Actually, I do get it. I do get it because sometimes I look around all the fucking shit I have That I don't even need like throw pillows, that's my number one fucking thing nobody needs to throw pillow I guess it makes the couch look a little better, but you can't you you fucking cunt. I just hit another three We're gonna lose again Some guy in the fucking The wizards has like 44 points I hope this is like If this is all because mark is smart is out like

They need to pay that guy more money because the second he went out we couldn't win. All right, there we go Ken Bay Walker Um anyway Um Yeah, as we were driving back I saw this storage shit thing or it said storage shed the solution to your problems And I was saying like the solution to your problem is a fucking yard sale now Look, I get it if you're going through a divorce You just or you just lost your job and you want to hang on to your shit until you can get something else

But if you just have so much shit That you can't even um That's not a fucking foul. Sorry everybody's not watching the game That's not a shooting foul Come on Oh, I guess they didn't give it to them. They didn't give it to them. Wow. Jesus christ. Anyway Plown ahead here, so um Yeah, like if you're not like between shit if you just if you got so much fucking shit you need another structure to house your shit

I mean, it's yeah, you got to get rid of some shit. I I do understand that so then this woman looked at a few other This thing like this fucking house that she looked at was 150 square feet All right Like you walked up these little stairs up to the bed and there was like a rope That you held on to instead of a banister. They couldn't even give you a fucking banister They gave you a rope. My buddy was going. Yeah, let's see. You can hand yourself in there. Um Pulled the self up now. I thought the bed part was cool The bed part was definitely fucking cool

um But like I don't know I don't know what to tell you like I gotta tell you my my room Above my garage here, right? Like I could live if I didn't have a family I could fucking live here I could actually live here with my family. I could I could we could we had a kitchen in here. I could actually do that Um, I don't need that much space, but at some point you you need more than 150 fucking square feet I would think in caveman days those motherfuckers had a cave bigger than

150 feet. I mean then I could live in a hole in a wall Right, um Anyway, so eventually She ended up finding she found one that was even Was like bigger and it was like less money and it had to have been a ton of land But I was saying if you bought like one of those little ass houses Then you work your fucking ass off eventually you could like Just have somebody drive that little house away and then build like a

Like a little bigger house, right? I get it. You don't want to own a bunch of shit. I don't know. I I I'm I think it's kind of cool. There's a lot of options there Although 150 square feet and you're gonna live with somebody else a man and a woman I I'm gonna say even back in caveman days needed a bigger cave than that if they were gonna well You could drag it around by her hair Yeah, guys had a little more power back then All right, I'm gonna shut up here. Let's do a little bus read a little advertising here

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viome.com promo code burr burr All right, there you go Bruins beat the ranges split this weekend lost six to two on friday One four to one last night Charlie coil had a pair. I'll tell you who else. Uh, charlie mackervoy's been fucking Finding the back of the net lately Fucking blasted him in from the blue line um

It's been a nice fucking thing Wait a second. Wait a minute. It's 1109 my fucking eyes. I thought it said there was only 30 something seconds left I can't read this far away Was that 12 seconds left? Do we have the ball? Do we have the ball? Oh, shit, did we just oh god, he went down hard. He fucking landed on his dick um That's a personal file when you make a guy land on his own dick. Um

Hang it down sending your balls going east and west. It's a tough thing All right, let's let's do some reads here everybody Uh, not some reads some letters from you guys from you wonderful Wonderful people who listen to this podcast. God bless you. Um, jason tatum for two On the replay there. Sorry. All right helicopters are for pussies now. Wait a minute Dear dearest billum billiard brain Just writing to say how much a bitch you need to be to fly a helicopter Uh, this guy's trying to get my goat and you know what I always take the fucking bait so good on him

Uh, why don't you crash like a real man when your engine goes out instead of floating towards the ground like the ferry you are I'm sure you fly helicopters because when you grip the cyclic control It's the only time you have something with some power between your legs It takes no skill to fly a helicopter and I'm sure my first flight would be smoother than your shiny head Jesus christ That was nothing but net. I loved every second of that. All right jokes aside as an a and p mechanic What is a and p you work at a fucking grocery store?

A and p uh aircraft and uh, what else what is an a and p mechanic? Will you speak in the fucking jar and like jargon like I know who you Okay, a Uh, where's the ands fucking signal here a and p Yeah grocery store mechanic I guess I had to write what is what is an A and p I know a person works on planes and helicopters an aircraft maintenance

Technician refers to an individual who holds an air flame frame and or power plant Oh airframe and power plant mechanic Well, aren't you a fucking badass? Jesus christ, you know those guys down mitis muffler. They don't give a fuck If that weld fails, you're just gonna drag the fucking Exhaust pipe down the street. They don't get nobody's gonna die You know, you're gonna give some people some show a show with the sparks But this takes balls to do that, huh? At what point do they feel you like good enough?

Did they make you work on little fucking, uh What do they call drones? You know, they have you put those fucking things together and then they put a little rat or a fucking rabbit on it If you don't kill the rodent eventually you can work your way up to people Um, what by the way any a and p mechanics out there. What is the rigorous testing? Or do I not want to know All right jokes aside as an a and p mechanic. I love it when you talk aviation Please keep it up even if it's about those mind numbing f a a tests that I know all too well

Uh wish wish you the best just kidding. Fuck you The pats and the Celtics. Fuck you the pats and the Celtics. Jesus. Sincerely A self-loathing Atlanta sports fan. Um All right. Well, I'm glad you enjoy that. I I I'm not gonna lie to you my whole time driving back I was like picking out airports Trying to figure out where they were um From the highway and all of that type of stuff

I was trying to find bracket. I actually looked the other way. It's weird I forgot that I always fly along the 210 and come in usually and I was on the 10 and I looked to the left Headed west and I should have looked to the right. I wouldn't have been able to see it But it's just I don't know. It's just another perspective probably helped me out at some point. Ah god damn it So oh wait wait what what the fuck happened? Holy shit What happened God knows on now. I won't be able to fucking rewind this thing I'm sorry people watching this game was like burr's gonna fucking flip out and I didn't

How the fuck did it become 110 111 111 10? Did we go to the line? Did we hit a three pointer? Who was it? Who was it? All right. I'm rewinding. I'm rewinding Oh, was that when Tatum drove in? He goes in again again. I saw him play at Duke Did you look at that splits the fucking defenders goes right in Oh my god

That guy is almost as good as I was back in the day at a nerf hoop So these fucking NBA guys do they they do shit on like a real thing, you know, you can't even do it on a fucking nerf hoop Celtics win beautiful I love it. Sorry guys. I at some point I had to fucking focus on the podcast because this is most of the people Listen this could give a shit About all of this crap that I'm talking about. Um All right. Yeah, you know what's my dream is Some day to fly like one of those md 600s or whatever

Which are basically You know They used to call be called the huge huge 500. I think that's what what tc or somebody had on magna pi whatever that character's name was and uh, I always just thought it was the coolest looking fucking helicopter And um, since then they were bought as they're all corporations get bought out by mcdonald douglas or whatever the fuck they are. So now it's the md 600 they got the one with the notar system and all of that shit

But recently a buddy of mine knows a guy who knows a guy that just got one and he's trying to see if uh, eventually You know, I could fucking Go up with them and fly it that would be incredible Fucking incredible. I heard it's Like I got a buddy of mine one of the guys that trained me um He flies one every day um, I forget what state he's in now, but

He was saying it's almost like cheating. It's so stable how easy it is to hover. So I'm dying to see what that's like. All right. My dad is Oh, my dad is an actor is an actor you gave a shout out to get out of here okay Hey bill recently I went down a youtube rabbit hole Which led me to watching actors talk about their most iconic roles while watching tim Roth talk about his role in reservoir dogs. I noticed they show a clip of the scene that my dad acted in Wait a minute, dude. Is he is he the the cop?

I said buddy I am gonna shoot you in the face You don't put your fucking hands there Uh having never searched for that scene on youtube before I was curious to watch it again and read what people thought of it It was cool to see that a lot of people thought my dad was funny and played a realistic cop. Dude, that guy was fucking great He was fucking great I also noticed that most of the comments stated that bill burr brought them here after finding out What they were referring to I listened to the podcast

from a few years ago Where you gave my dad rich turner But shout out to rich turner crushing that scene a shout out for his role and his line Buddy i'm gonna shoot you in the face if you don't put your hands On that fucking oh fucking dash that's buddy I'm gonna try to I'm gonna try to do it justice. I said buddy I am gonna shoot you in the face If you don't put your hands on that fucking dash

Um, I shared that part of the podcast with my dad And his response was who the hell is bill burr? Oh, that's great Um, the only tv he watches his old westerns like gun smoke I relate to that guy I said he's a comedian fucking hilarious. He said that he had never heard of you but We're automatically his new favorite comedian. That was about a week ago since then He has watched a few of your netflix specials and thinks you're great. Just thought I'd share that dude. That's so fucking cool

Shout out to rich turner crushing that scene What I loved about that was I was I was picturing the audition Um for those of you who aren't in the acting game It's just words. It just says buddy. I'm gonna shoot you in the face if you don't put your hands on that fucking dash Like a lot of people probably read it that so I said buddy I'm gonna shoot you in the fucking face. You don't put your hands in the fucking dash Just yell through the whole thing the way that he did that and like

I don't know why it's like I've I've met that cop before It was a still the cadence of it was like a specific Cop You know, I've been to enough parties that had been Broken up by cops and shit went to enough sporting events and watched cops have to drag fucking drunks like me back in the day Out of the game

And there was a certain I don't know there's something about that cadence where he was doing a real guy. That's what I loved about it um And to have a role that size in a in a movie that big and still stand out um Like I mean that's that's I mean that's what that's what the fuck it's all about incredible actor Tip of the cap. All right full of shit media

Uh, hey billy bleach boy. I've been reading threads of tweets going around from a year ago Before the lockdown started it shows how conservatives were concerned About the numbers of possible deaths some even noted hospital crowding The liberal media was saying it will pass right through and everyone will be okay. Oh god guys. We got to stop doing this Can we just admit we're all in the same fucking thing? I imagine there was liberals saying that I imagine there was conservatives saying that I imagine there was liberals and conservatives saying no, this is a real thing To just keep fucking pointing across the aisle. We're just going to be yelling at each other Oh god, I feel like this country is in divorce court and the judge is never going to make a fucking decision

Just fucking pointing at each other anyway when lockdown started the script was flipped It was so easy for the media to make red state people anti-masqueras and liberals Uh pro shutdown. All right, you lost me there was so easy for the media to make red state people Anti-mask and oh and liberals pro shutdown. Everyone is so gullible. Yeah, including you Why did the narrative change when the lockdown started? Oh, oh god Tell me they're internet scientists the common sense is to keep Shit open and and to enforce masks in stores Why okay no argument against this solution has ever made sense wait

Everyone is so gullible. Oh except you You're the smart one. Well, you know what I'll be open-minded you explain it you you figured it out. All right All right, why did the narrative change when the lockdown started? I followed you up to there. The common sense answer is to keep shit open And to enforce masks in stores Well if the narrative changed then liberals would have been saying That it was gonna be a big deal So why would they say keep shit open? Well, I thought liberals was saying shut shit down

I don't know dude Anyway, no argument against this solution has ever has ever made sense to me. Maybe it's I'm sick of seeing Fellow brown people I'm half black half Persian because I'm sure You're wondering I actually wasn't um Maybe it's I'm sick of seeing fellow brown people doing delivery jobs and working grocery stores while my white college friends Can simply work from home. It's so fucked up

I live in a nice looking low-income neighborhood outside of a major city And it looks visibly worse since this all started and I don't care if people Fuck that up my cousin shot shut down after the city Said they needed to be stricter because people weren't wearing masks That shit wasn't my cousin's fault No one fucked around in there at all, but he had to shut down Uh, so if we're into punishing people because others can't be smart then we're punishing innocent people You talk about this shit all the time. Yeah, but also you're talking about you're literally trying to

herd cats here and in the united states you're trying to herd You know upwards of half a billion people all of whom are on the internet all of whom think they have the right answer And I always go to if you can tell me if an egg is good for you or bad for you Then you have conquered the fucking internet because there is or if red meat's good or bad for you Or if if that fucking impossible burger is actually a good thing or a bad thing If you can sift through all of that shit And fuck is how do you how do you do it is my question? Um, and yeah, if you're if your cousin was did you say it was your cousin or your brother?

Uh, your cousin if he was doing the right thing he absolutely got punished because of these fucking idiots, but like The blame fall it falls on all of us Blue tie red tie media government and regular people All right, it falls on all of us because We're all human So everybody's trying to do what they think is the right thing to fucking do. I just do know in the end it's it's to sit there and like um Say that this thing is fucked up because of this political group or this thing or that thing

It's just it's not I don't agree with that. I'll put it that way. I don't agree with that Okay, but people who walk around and don't wear masks are fucking morons And not because I say say so because I've talked to doctors and nurses You know, I went in I got my heart checked out It's fucking cedars one of the best fucking hospitals and they were all beside themselves going I don't know what people are doing. I just if they just wear a fucking mask, they'd be fine um But instead I'm supposed to listen to an expert who doesn't work at cedars

But has a youtube channel. I don't know Anyway, they have no connection to the problems. They're screaming solutions for Uh, and I'm not saying everybody who's like fucking the other way is not necessarily a doctor But like there's also, you know, the same way there's bad comedians. There's also Bad doctors, but you don't get that gig If you're a fuck up if you're a lunatic who has a medical degree. Yeah, I don't I want to hear something from a mainstream I don't want to talk about it. Just I'm sick of it. I'm fucking sick of it But I'm going to read the rest of this here

They have no connection to the problems they're screaming solutions for My neighborhood doesn't need to be told what to do by governor fuckface Gavin Uh, he nor anyone else I've heard behind a podium address any of the real issues going on They are addressing real issues people are dying. They just don't have the solutions Okay, and he is a convenient guy to shit on Because he's the governor Okay, and he has fucked up from what I've heard I don't know but like to turn to blind eye to all these selfish fucking cunts. Oh my god. Can't wait

It's such a pain in the I fucking hate him You know, it's it's also that it isn't just governor fuckface Gavin. It's also Some fuckhead like that fat fuck the other week just walking down the middle of the street Who was totally fine that if I didn't move he wasn't gonna move and then I'm fucking breathing whatever the fuck is inside of him And he doesn't give a fuck the same way he doesn't give a fuck if anybody in the house He lives in gets the last sleeve of cookies because he's obviously eating them anyways my original post Point bill is no one has an original point Uh, this isn't done out of care or principles. It's done out of inhumane group think

Love you in the podcast Love you and thanks for the podcast. All right, you kind of long this isn't done out of care or principles It's done out of inhumane group think group thinking you mean um Well, I mean I I also think you know, we haven't faced anything like this in my entire fucking life and how shit works is They wait to shit happens You know, if you look at fucking 9 11 and all of that shit they waited until it happened until they got

The level of security that they needed to prevent something like that from happening because money Is not spent to prevent shit Money is spent to solve shit They don't want to fucking do all that that's why they'll fucking They'll let design flaws be out there and they just wait until people die and then they fix it Because I don't know the slaves to money. I have no idea. It's all out. It's all above my pay grade But I respect your opinions and I hope your cousin's shop opens again soon and I hope uh governor fuckface Gets a little more informed and I think the average fucking idiot walking around out there with no medical degree

You know who seeks out crazy fucking people that agree with their opinion So they can feel justified with being a selfish cunt fucking wake up at some point But I don't think they're going to so um So here we sit. All right opinion hospital photos of newborn and family Hey, father freckles just wanted to start out by saying thank you for your commentary about being a father I became a dad a little more than a year ago and your insight helps me remember to enjoy the little moments

And be a better father. Oh, yeah, if you saw the excitement of my daughter's face When she learned how to whistle You know last week she got the balance bike thing down Um It's amazing and it gives them confidence And you just tell them how proud you are of them and then they want to learn more stuff And they go into it more confidently Um, it's awesome. Anyway

He says anyway, I have been thinking about the experience of my wife The experience my wife and I had in the hospital after our daughter was born Thankfully pre-covid. I gotta tell you I had a kid during covid and it was never safer because they they pregnant women had their own entrance Um With our first kid, you know, anybody could come fucking walking through the door So it's actually it's not as bad um Okay, we were in our room

When this young lady who works for the hospital comes in walking in with the camera saying it's time for us to take some family pictures when we asked about What happens with the pictures? She said we would have the options of purchasing digital photos and or hard copies Oh, dude, I would have been like no, don't you not take my fucking picture get out of here Uh, so after taking the pictures she stepped away for a couple minutes My wife and I talked about and decided not to spend the money because we took quite a few pictures on our phones And thought that it would be enough But when the lady came back she showed us the photos

In a slideshow on a laptop with some twinkling ass piano music behind it My wife and I completely fell for it just balling at the cuteness and we ended up Paying the 100 plus for the 12 digital files. Oh, the hospital's got a new hustle Uh on one hand it seemed like this service is a nice way for flustered new parents to get some nice photos to remember the day But it bothers me that it also feels like this lady played that slideshow only to make us vulnerable So we'd be easily coaxed into buying dude. That is fucking hilarious I swear to god in another life I would get into the corporate world just because I want to be in I just want to be in one of those meetings

Like how does that go down? How can we squeeze another hundred dollars out of these people? Well, what if what if we uh We you know the other the other day I went to a water park And they had this thing where you could take pictures They took pictures of you on the ride and then afterwards you could purchase them and a lot of people would purchase I like that idea. Where you going with this? Well, you know, we could take pictures of them in the uh the hospital room, you know when they were in the room and

And then what show them on the camera? Well, yeah, I mean that's Susan, what do you say? What have we played sad piano music? I don't know um prank gone wrong prank Gone wrong. Hey you guys you want to just forget the whole fucking mass shit I'm sick of talking about it and I'm not making any of you who don't want to wear them wear them

So what why don't we just stop? Let's just be friends again. Can we do that? All right prank gone wrong You know, I'm not doing it. I'm not fucking talking about that shit I will make fun of people but I'm not I'm not gonna get involved in this shit anymore All right prank on wrong. Hey billy meister Uh find myself in a little predicament here me and my wife work out regularly. She started Stealing my pre-workout powder and I always

Insist she buy her own because mine is a little intense and expensive What the fuck is war pre-workout powder? Oh my god, I always look up this shit you guys talk about and then I get I get ads for them for like the next six years pre-workout Powder oh like you drink like a drink. Oh I was picturing you like, you know, like those weight lifters like LeBron James. You clap your hands. I'm like What fucking weight is this guy putting up? um

Okay I would always insist she buy her own because mine is a little intense and expensive Yeah, Jesus Christ. She's gonna fucking grow chest hair over there Of course, she didn't buy her own and continued stealing my pre-workout. So here is the prank I filled an empty pre-workout container with kool-aid and she's been taking it for about two weeks We have a beach trip coming up and fears she will be Will overreact when I tell her she's been taking sugar and rich kool-aid How can I break the news to her so I don't get killed?

Love the podcast and go fuck yourself. Wait, how long you've been doing this? Uh, it all depends on how How Go to sense of humans yet. This is how you fucked up is you let her do it for a week Of course, she didn't buy her own. I filled it. Uh, she's been taking it for two weeks And you're getting ready to go to the beach One of the places where a woman fills the mo I mean everybody does But you know, I know women they think the way they feel it is way more intense

Um, so yeah, dude, um You have two you have three options here you tell her and she gets mad Uh, you don't tell her And you laugh about it to yourself. The thing about it is is you came up with a great A great way to tell her she needs to get her own workout powder But then you just let her do it for two fucking weeks Then that's when it became weird that you kept doing it, but I gotta tell you it's fucking funny That she's been drinking Kool-Aid

Um, but also you're kind of having her take ingest shit into her body that she doesn't want to take I know it's just Kool-Aid But now the way the world is that'll be some sort of stomach rape at some point He drummed her with Kool-Aid and sugar Um What would I do here? Um, what would I do here? Dude, why did you wait two weeks?

All right, this is what I would do I wouldn't tell her I just say fuck it and uh You don't want to keep drinking Kool-Aid just say you actually knocked it over You spilled it on the floor and you had to vacuum it up when she's not around so now the Kool-Aid's gone Okay, and then she'll go out and she'll buy her own goddamn thing And then you're done. Okay, so this would just be a joke You waited too long dude. You waited too long. Um I think you need to read a go buy a book

Called how to fucking do a Kool-Aid prank because you went too far. It's funny that you did that Uh, and if you just did it one day And you just came home. How'd you feel you feel good about to work out and just laugh, uh Remember I told you to buy the powder and you didn't well. I replaced it with Kool-Aid this morning. You drank Kool-Aid And you know what she'd still be fucking mad, but she wouldn't be as mad the fact that you did it for two weeks It's a little fucking weird dude You did it for you did it for quite a while Yeah, I wouldn't say shit I wouldn't say shit and I just act like I spilt it and then what I would do is I would um

I buy some replacement powder for yourself and I would hide it Why do you have to fucking hide it? You know what I mean? I don't it's just you know, I don't know I gotta tell you dude. You stumped me. You stumped me. This this something you waited too fucking long You had the perfect little fucking thing and you could have laughed at her and then when she got mad you could be Listen, I told you To get your own your own fucking powder You know, you know, what if you love me you fucking play me play me play

Shut up um Yeah, I wouldn't tell her I wouldn't tell her but I would keep putting my foot down that you can't use your powder Tell her to get her own fucking powder before she has hairy tits Oh, that's what that's what you should have done. Well, you know what just to let you know This thing is overloaded in testosterone and uh, let's just say you might need a fucking weed whacker to fucking And

You know Get rid of your back here You know or she could just respect you All right, this is going off the rails here Okay, um Brad Stevens looks hilarious with the fucking mask on I'm watching the post the post game here. Um, all right That's the podcast everybody. God bless you And uh go fuck yourselves and I will check it on you on thursday. Go Celtic scope ruins. Go fuck yourselves

Thanks for watching