Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-14

Episode Date: March 10, 2014

Bill rambles about Airplane movies, touring Canada and making a break up cake.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, March 10th, 2014. How are you doing? How are you? I am in a country mood this week, and I am desperately trying to bring something positive. All right, I've been on the road here for 10 fucking days. I was going to do this thing with Verzi again, but he's still sleeping, and I got to get this thing up and get on with my day because I got a two-hour ride out to London, Ontario tonight, and I got a fucking job to do. I'm in the middle of a fucking eight-day run, kid. Seven days in, then I got Montreal tomorrow, and then I got a day off. I got a fucking day off, and I'm going to go to the Bruins-Canadians game. I have a great fucking time.

As you can hear, my voice is... It's actually better. It doesn't sound better, but it's actually better. It's holding up well. Today is the halfway point of the epic 20-day Canadian tour. We're having a great time up here. Probably too much fun. I'm off the wagon as of last Monday, but I only got fucked up twice this week. I got really fucked up about two nights ago, but other than that, and I didn't miss being hungover. For the most part, like last night, I had a beer. Two nights before that, I had one glass of wine. If you want to call that tiki-tak shit drinking, you want to sit there with your fucking toes pointed at each other and your knees together, like some fucking jerk-off waiting for a bus in a Norman Rockwell painting,

then you do that. I don't count those. From what I heard, a glass of wine every day is actually good for your fucking arteries. You hear that? Somebody finally committed a crime up here in Canada. What did he do? Did he put on somebody else's skates? Sorry about that. Sorry. I like these people up here. Everybody says sorry. I say sorry all the time. Hey, this pancake you may taste like a fucking somebody wiped their ass with it. Sorry. I'm sorry you suck at making a pancake. I actually had an apple for breakfast if you're wondering, trying to stay in shape when I'm up here. I was kidding. I'm not going to lie to you guys. I am fucking shot. I've been just traveling and doing my goddamn act every fucking night. I am so sick of my goddamn voice,

which is great because it's making me say new stuff on stage and I've been writing a lot. Now, I'm not saying that I actually sit down and write. What I'm really saying is I'm just saying different shit on stage. It's a lot of shit jokes, a lot of dick jokes, but I'm getting through it. It's been amazing. Absolutely amazing. We're on a four day run here in Toronto and the greater Toronto area. We started off down in, I don't even know what the fuck, Hammerville, Hammerstein. I don't know what it is, but the nickname is fucking Hamilton. The nickname is Hammertown. Stop, Hammertown. It was unbelievable. Great fucking show down there. And then I also found out for a buddy of mine that around the corner was where that

Unreal Team Canada game was in 1987 when they beat the Russians, Gretzky to Lemieux. Right? You guys remember? Do you fucking remember? Let's see. I played a pickup game, a hockey in Ottawa. That was great. Me and Verzi skated on the frozen canal. We held hands and split a beaver tail and whispered sweet nothings into one another's ears. We didn't get a beaver tail, but the rest of it happened. All right? And I stand by it. No, we did skate on the canal, man. It's fucking unbelievable. Ottawa underrated brutally, brutally, brutally fucking underrated. You want to surprise your girlfriend or soon to be wife with a honeymoon she'll never forget or possibly forgive you for? Take her to Ottawa, everybody. It's a government town. Did you guys

know that Ottawa is the capital of Canada? I didn't know that. It's one of those towns. Everybody's got the big government job and right around five everybody takes off and even the Starbucks closes, but if you go across the fucking river, there's a bunch of places to get yourself a beer. It was a little rink out here. I don't know. Guys, I have absolutely nothing. I'm too old to be on tour this long and today is the halfway point, so I got another 10 days and another 10 days to go on this. Last night I was at Massey Hall. For those of you who never heard of it, if your favorite band is ever playing a show there, it's worth taking a trip. Unbelievable. Second I walked out there, I was saying to Versey, like Jesus Christ,

I'd love to tape a special here, but then I heard their fees through the fucking roof, of course. You know, like I'm the only asshole that walked in there and said, you know what, I think this will look visually, it will look really good on camera. But yeah, it was definitely very humbling to be on that thing because I kind of looked up some of the history before I got out there and evidently one night, Miles Davis, Charlie Parker, Charles Mingus, and fucking Max Roach put on arguably one of the greatest concerts of all time. Louis Armstrong played there. I'm not a big Rush fan, but I guess that all the worlds this stage, they filmed there or recorded there. Neil Young recorded some stuff there.

And then old Billy Redface came in and did his shit and dick jokes. I had some guy after the show told me that he saw George Carlin perform there in the 80s. So it was definitely, it was pretty awesome to become, I don't know, part of that history there. I'm definitely fucking coming back. So here's the deal. So at the end of the show, you know, Verzi wants to go see that fucking movie where somebody's getting murdered on a plane every 10 minutes and for some reason they can't figure out who the fuck's doing it. Okay. And I'm sitting there having this argument with Verzi going, dude, I'm not going to go see that shit. And he's like, he's like, dude, it's fucking Liam Neeson, Liam Neeson, Neeson, whatever the

fuck you say his name. And I'm like, I like that guy. Okay, but snakes on the plane is snakes on a plane is snakes on the plane. Even if there's no snakes on the plane, you know what I mean? It is what it is. It's fucking stupid. And I know somebody's going to shoot a gun on the plane. You know, and somehow even if he misses it, I don't know, it's just, it's fucking dumb. It's as dumb as back in the day when they had a smoking section on an airplane. You remember Diceclays bit, you're in a fucking tube. It's the same thing. If you're talking about smoking, or you're talking about a fucking murder mystery, how many goddamn people could you fucking kill on a plane? And you know, somehow the fucking guy's going to be able to climb down

into the luggage area. He's going to pull up some carpet and there'll be a trap door there. I must have flown on 9,000 fucking planes in my life. Can somebody please tell me where that fucking trap door is? It doesn't exist. It's a separate fucking compartment. It has to be. And even if it isn't after 9, 11, I'm sure they fucking welded it shut, right? They always show that in movies. Somebody goes down to visit their fucking dog, right? And then there's some sweaty Middle Eastern looking guy down there. That's what they have now. Back in the day, it was some sweaty Russian looking guy. It's whoever the fuck we're at odds with. I mean, they're always sweaty and they need a shave and they're down

there and they have absolutely, you know, and they have absolutely no fucking morals whatsoever. And they're always down there in the fucking luggage, right? And then you got the John McClain guy. How many fucking guys have been on the fucking plane? John McClain did one, didn't he? Bruce Willis has been on the plane. Wesley Snipes has been on the plane. Always been on black motherfucker, right? He thought that one was the last one. Here comes old Liam Neeson. You know something? Fuck air, fucked movies on airplanes. Fuck all of them. They all, you name me, one movie that took place on a fucking airplane that was good. All right. And I will immediately block you on fucking Twitter for actually saying it's a good

fucking movie. Okay. You can fucking kill somebody on the plane, but you know what? Pretty much everybody's going to see it. How are you going to do it? Let's just say you had some little fucking heart attack missed like the Iceman. Remember the Iceman? They made a movie about him. That guy where he was just, he was sitting there talking about all the murders he committed, you know, talking through his clinch jaw. Looked like an old C captain, but he was a fucking hit man for the mob. He had this miss. He said he'd go into studio 54 and he'd act all swishy and he'd walk up to a guy, hit on him, and then he'd spray him with this miss. And like three seconds later, the guy would have a heart attack. Let's just say you had the fucking Iceman

cometh's fucking heart attack missed. All right. Now you're in a row of three people. Where do you think the best place is to sit if you want to murder one of the other two people in your row? I'm guessing the middle seat. Okay. If I have to put this air quote caper together, then you take the fucking mist and I'm going to fucking, I'm going to give the guy on the window a heart attack. I'm going to spray it in him and that fucking guy is going to go into cardiac arrest. All right. And do you think the guy sitting to the right of me or the fucking lady to the right of me in the aisle seat is not going to notice this person convulsing? All right. Well, let's just say they fucking dropped dead. It's so powerful. They just dropped

dead and just happened to slump to the fucking side. Now I might be able to get away with that. All right. But only if that person hadn't already reclined their seat. Okay. Hadn't already reclined their fucking seat because when we go, you know, when we begin our initial descent, the fucking stewardess or the male stewardess is going to fucking come over and be like, excuse me, sir, sir, excuse me. Could you wake him? No, I can't wake him because I fucking sprayed him with a heart attack mist. What I can do is press the button for him and put his fucking dead head between his fucking rigor mortis legs. If you'd like, Peter, I don't know why his name is Peter. All right. Now you killed one person. What the fuck? You're going to just start going

around killing people. One person is going to die every 10 minutes unless I get a sack of cash in Rhineland to which caused you by fucking 230. You think the airline would give a fuck? All right. 250 million dollar ransom. Is that what the fuck you want? I mean, how much is it going to cost them to settle out of court? It's going to cost less than that because they have all the money, right? I don't like fucking movies on airplanes. And I don't like movies where people have pointed ears and nobody fucking addresses it. The other day, I'm sitting there with Verzi and we're flipping through the fucking stations and one of those Hobbit movies comes on and this fucking asshole, he's got one of those let it be 70s haircuts

where his hair is plenty long enough to not show his fucking pointed ears. But for some reason, he's got it scooped around the back of his ear like he's going to fucking blow somebody. And I just look at, I go, look at that dude's fucking ear. How does the guy with the white beard not address that? Like, what the fuck happened to your ear? What are you? Huh? You're fucking elf? What does that mean? What do you, what do you, what's your diet consist of? Celery and guinea pigs? You're fucking weirdo. Get the fuck out of here. Is that, is that racist? Am I going to have to apologize to elves? Jesus Christ. Fucking goddamn moves with airplanes. You know what I mean? Please.

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across the promises. I've had some people come in from some pretty crazy places. UConn territories. Somebody told me that there's a theater up there. Maybe I'll look into that the next hour of bullshit that I come up with the next time I tour Canada, which I'm definitely going to do. I had someone flying from Brazil and then I had this couple coming from Kuwait, you know, and they're sitting there. Yeah, we flew all the way in, but blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And you know, we're going to hang out here in Toronto, yada, yada, yada. And I said, wait a minute. I go, could I do a show in Kuwait? And they're like, absolutely. And I said, I can say what I said here tonight in Kuwait. And the guy goes, yeah. And then the woman goes, well,

but just meeting those two, I want to go there. You know, they were some cosmopolitan motherfuckers. I really would like to go to the Middle East and not get kidnapped. If you're in the Middle East and you know, we're a fucking freckled white boy from the US can go, you know, I would like to, I want that middle ground. I want to go to a place where I'm not going to get abducted by people who fucking hate my government. And I also want to, I don't want to go to a place that subsists because there's a tent city right outside the city limits. And people are living, you know, on dog food. You got a middle ground that I can go to, you know, where I can do some fucking shows out there. I can tell my jokes and I don't have to

worry about the Shah or the fucking prime minister or the fucking son of the king of the Arabs are going to come in and take me away. I don't want that to happen. I'd like to go over there. Right. I want to go on wearing one of those cool ass fucking things on my head with the little aerobic bandana. I do that. I do that in a fucking second. Looking like a cornerback at the end of the game with my fucking do rag on. Let me know. I'll go over there. I'll fucking do it. Oh, hey, there's a rumor. I heard a rumor. Jesus Christ. Who was that? Who sang that fucking song? It wasn't Spando Ballet. I heard a rumor. There was a Z in it. I'm calling that there was a Z in their name, for some reason. It was like three fucking chicks and they were all almost good looking.

You know what I'm talking about? I heard a rumor, lyrics, banana ramma. You motherfucker. Why did I think there was a Z in it? Well, you know what? The fact that there wasn't a Z in it and the fact that I looked the way I do and I actually said that they were only kind of good looking as punishment. I now have to go to lyrics.com and sing as much as this as I can remember. I don't remember it. Who needs a friend who never shows? I'll tell you what you want to know. I could have saved a broken heart. If I found out long ago, I don't remember. I heard a rumor. Oh, I heard a That's actually written on paper. I heard a rumor. O-O-H-O-O-H. Ooh, I heard a rumor. They say you got a broken. Now you guys are getting punished. This isn't a punishment. You

guys know I like to sing even though I can't. Do you know some cunt wrote me one time and was telling me how much I suck at singing like I don't realize that? Like that isn't the joke. But you know something? For those of you people who are about to embark on any sort of a dream, and it involves you having a website or a Twitter or account Facebook or anything, anywhere where people can give you feedback. Just know that people will find fucking something to bitch about. Do you know what somebody said? Somebody sent me a fucking email or a Twitter thing. I can't remember what it might have been. The most nitpicky thing anybody has ever said is that when I was down in, uh, Hammerville there, Hammerstein, why can't I remember the

fucking name? Hamilton. When I was down there, you know, at wire to wire, I had a fucking great show. Go fuck yourself. I killed it. Thank you for coming out. I went out. I fucking took pictures with people. I'm selling what's left of my DVDs. The last time I'm selling a DVD because it's one step ahead of the fucking laser disc. I got to get them out of my garage. Thank you to everybody who bought one. Um, somebody actually said great show, but Jesus Christ, your wallet is way too big. Can you fucking believe that? How the fuck did you even see it? I maybe have my back to the crowd for fucking two minutes in an hour and 15 minutes set and it bothered you how big my fucking wallet was. It's not my fault. It's stuffed with fucking business cats. People give them to

me when I'm on tour. Hey, if you're ever here, fucking this is this thing. If you'd ever like some of this, here's this thing. I just stuff them in my wallet. And then when I come home, I stick them with all the other business cards that I'm never going to look at. Okay. And when you're in the middle of a 20 day tour, yeah, I can get a little bit big. All right. Why don't you stop staring at my fucking ass? You're weirdo in the middle of my show. You ever think maybe that it's, it's, it's so fat because it's stuffed with the plastic money that I've made up here? Do you know Canadian currency is, is their greenbacks, their dollars are, they're made out of plastic now. Very smooth plastic. And I fucking love it. Their money is

the shit. I've always loved American money the best because that's the money that I grew up with. And I just think it looks cool. And I like all the weird shit they're doing with it with the extra big fucking heads. They got a little off to the side, little nod to hip hop, you know, don't wear your hat like Donnie baseball anymore. You got to do fucking the Jay-Z thing where it's off to the side just a little bit, you know, um, I don't know, I guess what the fuck am I talking about? Yeah, but the only thing that stinks about their money as I guess you can't stack it is something about it because it's plastic. It just sort of slides down to the side. But, uh, but anyways, that was the nitpick bitch of the week. Evidently my wallet was too big.

You know, I really liked that standup comedians act. He was really funny, but I got to tell you the size of his billfold just really ruined it for me. You know what, sir? Or ma'am, whoever the fuck wrote me that, I got to tell you, you have the, you have a future as a critic. You really do because even when critics like something, they, they find something to fucking complain about, you know, even if they like your show, like my show, even a good review, if you read it, it would be like the big headed freckled fuck took command of the stage for an amazing performance of standup as I watched his distractingly alabaster hands motion through brilliant bit after that. That's what they do. They're complimenting you while

insulting the shit out of how the fuck you look. You know, I don't like when they do that. I want to criticize critics. It's another thing I don't like. I don't like when fucking critics do that or they're writing an article on a celebrity and they do that thing where they fucking, uh, they always got to talk about what the fuck they're reading because I guess they always interview these movie stars in, uh, in restaurants and they always got to say, as he fucking bites into a, uh, pan seared salmon encrusted pork chop and older and wiser little fella from the fucking angry King show there on HBO with this tailored fucking suit. Yeah, I don't know. He has a sadness in his eyes as he bites into a cherry tomato. I really

fucking hate that. I just feel like they just, they just build it up. They just like how many fucking words. So I got to write about this little fella here with that dumb fucking look on his face. I'm really sick of that fucking. I'm just sick of the look on that guy's fucking face. It's, it's, I don't know what it is. It's bad enough when a regular sized guy has that look on his face, like he's going to come over there and slap the taste out of your mouth. Okay. I don't need some little fella sitting there with his little suit staring at me like I said something about him. I didn't say anything about you. Okay. So, you know, why don't you get your fucking furrowed brow and point it in another direction and fuck you and your cherry tomatoes.

What do you think about that? Huh? Now get out of my face before I tip you over. I'm sorry. I really am in a cunty mood. This has nothing to do with the little fella on the Angry King show on HBO. It really has to do with the fact that I miss my wife and my dog. I miss my truck. I miss all of that shit while simultaneously having one of the greatest fucking tours I've ever had. Me and Verzi, I haven't so much fucking fun up here. Verzi started doing this fucking Rodney Dangerfield impression. So that's all we've been doing up here. All we've been doing up here is it will just be sitting there, you know, drinking a beer and you just go, you know, this is a good beer. I'll tell you last week I had a rough one.

And I don't know why it's always, it's just been funny the whole fucking week to us. I've skated almost every goddamn day. These fucking, you know what's great about Canada? Because they're so far north, they have to embrace the winter and there's just shit to do. They got like, I like looked up free public skating here in Toronto and you would have thought I looked up a Starbucks. The amount of fucking hits I got on my phone, it's just fucking tremendous. So, you know, there's only so long that I can go on a goddamn treadmill, you know, and with just because you have the option of just stepping off the fucking thing, that's why I love my dog. I love taking her on a hike, going on a fucking hike,

you know, listen to some songs and I'm good or you're out here and you fucking go out and you just go skating. It's fun. It's a fucking good time. Oh, you know what I did? I got a friend of mine that lives up here and he's an assistant coach on a hockey team. He's got a son in a 10 to 11 year old group and I went to this rink. They had four rinks there, all these different games and I have to fucking tell you something. I've never seen kids of that age play the game the way these kids were playing. They were fucking, it was an unbelievably entertaining game. It was one nothing, one, one, two, one, two, two, and then three, two, and then they pulled ahead. They got the dagger, got the fourth goal and these fucking kids up here at age 10 to 11, the level with which

they were playing this game. It wasn't even the kid with the puck. It was what the kids were doing away from the puck, how they knew where to be. There was a fucking kid on the other team, last name kid, number four or something. I was like jealous of how well he could skate backwards. This kid was like 10 or 11 years old and the way he played defense, I was actually watching him learning. It was like, I don't know, it was like an NHL game, but everybody was 10 or 11, like the way it was played. Obviously it wasn't as fast, but you know, when I was watching it live, I mean, I couldn't really tell, I was fucking blown away by the talent up here. And it was a great game. And when it was three to two, because the other

team kept tying it up, I was actually on the edge of my seat, watching a game between 10 and 11 year olds. I mean, it's fucking amazing up here. So anyways, I did that. How far into the fucking podcast am I? Jesus, I'm limping along this week. 29 minutes in. You know, I've been doing with Verzi this week. This is fucking, I've toured with Verzi for so fucking long. We're like an old married couple. I've never seen anybody who hates the morning as much as he does. So this whole fucking tour, I've never woken him up with the text because I always do that shit. I'll text him, hey, you want to get breakfast? And he's never quite awake. So I just, I just wait till he fucking wakes up. And that, that fucking guy, if you don't text him, he will, he'll sleep till like

one in the afternoon. And he still has the nerve to come downstairs looking a little groggy. He always comes down like, dude, how great, how great was that mattress, man? Fucking epic. That mattress was epic. Everything's epic to him. I don't know. So that's why I'm doing the podcast with Don. Next week we'll, we'll wrap up the tour. We will wrap up the tour. Me and him will do the, the podcast together. But, um, oh, I got to do another one. I heard a rumor allegedly there are dates in the works with three of my best friends in comedy. Quite possibly I've heard rumors that they might be doing a tour, a club tour, statin out on, maybe starting out on the West coast, possibly maybe starting in LA, possibly with yours truly hosting the show. I've heard this fucking rumor

that possibly Rose Bowl, tailgate legends, Jason Lawhead, Joe Bartnick. All right. And dude, I called it Paul Versey. Quite possibly could be doing a three-man tour of clubs, limited engagements over the next couple of months, sponsored by the Monday morning podcast, the first tour. I hope the first of many tours to be sponsored by this podcast. Um, there are rumors that there are agents right now working on over the weekend, suit on, tie off, wiping their brow, trying to put together some dates on this tour. Quite possibly next week, there might even be an announcement. But right now that is just a rumor. But I'll tell you what isn't a rumor. I'm doing a date in Nashville on May 16th. And, um, it's part of Vince Vaughn's Wild West tour comedy tour. And, uh, let's see here,

I just fucking tweeted about it. Ah, Jesus, Bill, what the fuck is wrong with you? Hang on, hang on, hang on. You go to home. No, I go to me. Right? Yeah, the Wild West comedy festival, Wild West comedy festival.com, uh, is the website. Tickets are on sale now. Um, if you follow me on Twitter, I have their, I have their Twitter handle. Is that what you say at Wild West CF as in comedy festival? And on Facebook, it's facebook.com backslash, w w c f Nashville as in Wild West comedy festival, uh, Nashville. Um, any hope. All right. So that's enough of the goddamn promotions for the week. Um, all right. Just when you think my singing can't get any worse. How about I try to top that with sound? Do you think I can sound more dumb than is, than the level of my awful singing?

Well, I think I can. Uh, I've been sort of keeping up on this, this, the events that are going on over in the Ukraine. And, uh, with my limited knowledge of what's going on there now and my limited knowledge of what's happened there in the past, um, that ousted fucking president or prime minister, whatever they call him, Yanukovych, that guy's a sellout cunt. All right. And I'm not trying to stir up some shit over there. Okay. But after what Stalin did there in World War two, they shouldn't want nothing to do with Russia. Okay. And the fact that there's Russian sympathizers in the Ukraine, I don't fucking get it. Why does old Vladimir give a fuck about this Yanukovych so much? I actually looked up Yanukovych Russian puppet

and I got a bunch of hits. So why can't you let the Ukrainians have their own goddamn country? They didn't like you so much that they actually overthrew you. There's so much dirty shit going on over there. I think Vladimir Putin or whatever the fuck his name is. He said that, uh, that that was actually backed by the U.S. Would that be hilarious if we actually backed that? If we backed that they overthrew their fucking prime minister, whatever the fuck his name is Yanukovych, Anakonikova, whatever his fucking name is, right? And then we get to go publicly and be like, Hey, what are you guys doing Russia? Leave them alone. Stop meddling in their affairs. If we actually did do it, I have to respect old Vladdy, Vladdy daddy there that he fucking said,

that he called us out on it. I think he called us out on it. Maybe he called somebody else out on it. I have a fucking nose. God knows we, you know, you know, we did something over there. Hey, let me tell you, it was a rough week over there in Ukraine. Um, I don't know, just fucking leave him alone. Can't countries just leave other countries alone? But, you know, I think that'd be great for this country. If we just fucking pulled all our people back, we just left everybody alone. And you know what, all our corporations had to come back to and we started making Levi's 501 blues again, the button flies, some Z-cavary cheese, and we actually made them here. We didn't make children's song together. You know, why can't we do that again?

And then you just legalize weed everywhere. And then you use that as the export and we got everybody fucking high man and everybody mellows out. Why can't we do that? You know why? Because everybody hurts. No, the reason why you can't do it is because it's the same reason why the fucking NFL has that stupid ass fucking dumb ass game in England every year. All right. It's because of the ego. You want to put your stamp. You want to put your fucking mark on something. You want to say that it was here and then I took it to here. You know, no one can just be like, Hey, we're right here and isn't this a good place to be? You always got, what about me? What about my fucking legacy? And that's what the,

that's what the fucking, the guy from the NFL is doing. All right. Pete Roselle is the benchmark. You got to somehow try to outdo him. We went Pete Roselle and then Peter Noon, I think was the next fucking commissioner. And then you got this guy. Was it Rickovich? Roger Goodell? I don't know what the fucking guy's name is, but whatever. He's got to somehow outdo Pete Roselle. Pete Roselle brought the AFL and the NFL together. Monday night football, the Super Bowl. So the only way to top that is you somehow have to try and go fucking global. So he has that stupid ass dumb ass fucking game in England every goddamn year. For what? Uh, can't you just be happy being billionaires or multimillionaires? I would say that about

everything. I would say that about the fucking NHL. Why can't you just be multimillionaires? Isn't that enough? Why do you got to have the Florida Panthers? Okay. And you know what? Fuck you. If you live in Miami, fuck you. Okay. Fuck you. You got all that exotic pussy down there. You also have to have a fucking NHL team. Go fuck yourself. Okay. You want to go to a hockey game you get in your goddamn VW bus and you drive to a cold city. All right. I for one have had enough of these fucking winter teams down in the fucking south. All right. Having a winter classic game, winter classic game at Dodger Stadium. People sitting there in fucking tank tops, watching ice hockey outside. All right. I don't want to get all hippy on you here,

but how many porpoises had to fucking die so they could fucking have enough goddamn water to make that whole thing happen? You know, a lot of people don't realize that ice is actually made out of salt water. Okay. And salt water is the living, breathing oxygen that a porpoise has to inhale through its fucking gills. All right. Don't porpoise. Our porpoise is a mammal. Are they? And I realized that there's oxygen and water before you guys actually take that shit seriously. The porpoises breathe through a, a, a, a porthole and orifice at the top of the head. I could look this up now. That's how you spell porpoise. Porpoise. Is it a mammal? I spelt mammal with three M's in the middle. Did you mean mammal? Of course,

I meant mammal. Porpoise, mammal. Any of the seven species of toothed whales distinguishable from dolphins by their row, by their more compact build, generally smaller in size, maximum length, about two meters. That's about 6.6 feet, they say, and curved blunt snouts with spatulate rather than conical teeth. Those are great words. Spatulate and conical. I want you guys to use, next time you get fucking hammered, I want you to slip both of those words in. And if you can actually use them, that's a great line to say to a woman. You know why I like you? I saw you from across the bar. You know what really attracted me? And she'd be like, what? And you'd be like your blunt snout with your spatulate rather than conical teeth. What would you like to drink, sweetheart?

Blunt snout. That's a fucking good name for a band. Ladies and gentlemen, blunt snout. All right, let's get to some of the fucking questions this week. I'm sorry, I'm just really shit in the bed here. Did I talk about everything I think I did? Oh, people talking about the posters. Where are my posters? Relax, they're all on their way. We still got another. There's still some more coming out this week. Overwhelming response. And I got one guy in the mail room trying to send all of these fuckers out. So you'll get them. All right. And they are autographed. So relax. Okay. And if you don't get them, I'll give you a fucking money back. But I'm saying don't give up hope. All right. Hang in there.

Hang in there. Stay gold, pony boy. Stay gold. All right. Baseball season. Billy Ruth. I grew up loving the game of baseball. My greatest memories. Hang on a second. I gotta fucking close this window. There's some douche talking. Fucking muted. All right. Hang on. All right. I grew up loving the game of baseball. My greatest memories as a child included the smell of a mitt and the sensation of throwing a ball hard across an infield. I also grew up an Orioles fan. Ah, the fucking Orioles were great when I grew up. I was growing up. They were the shit. They were already, they won in 66 and they won in 70. They blew it in 79. And then they won in 83. Look at that right off the top of my fucking head, but I can't read out loud. Do you know I

can do that in almost every sport? I can go back to like the 60s and I can tell you all the fucking champions. 66, the Orioles, 67, the Cardinals beat the fucking Red Sox. 68, the Tigers won. And then they were having that fucking thing while those riots and then the subsequent white flight that happened in that city is never recovered. 69, the amazing Mets, 70, the Orioles, 71, I think was the Pirates and then Clemente died or he died in 72, 72, 73, 74 was the A's, 75, 76 was the Reds, 77, 78 was the Yankees, 79 was we are family, the Pirates, 80 Phillies, 81 was the fucking Dodgers, right? Tommy John. Tommy John was on the fucking Dodgers that lost to the Yankees in 77, 78, 81. He turned codes, he goes to the fucking Yankees. And what happens? The Dodgers

win. And that's why that surgery is named after them. 82 was the Cardinals. They beat the Brewers. 83 was the Orioles. 84 was the Tigers. 85 was the Royals. It should have been the fucking Cardinals if they didn't implode after that awful call at first base. 86 was the Mets. Red Sox fans know that. 87 was the Twins. 88 was fucking Kirk Gibson, the Dodgers. I can just keep going people. I can fucking go all fucking day long. I don't know what you're thinking. You probably think I have it in front of me. Right in front of me. Well, that's just a compliment. 89 was the Aids, the Roy brothers. One at then, 90 was the Reds. 91, of course, was your Twins. 92, 93. That was your fucking Blue Jays. And then 94, that's a great trivia year. That was the strike

year. And if you listen to fucking Pedro Martinez, he'll sit there and tell you, you know what, the fucking Expos were going to win that year. Why you ask? Because they had a young him and Randy Johnson. I think Tim Reigns was still there. They had a whole fucking great team there. 95 was the Braves. 96 was the Yankees. 97 was the Marlins. They beat Jay Lawhead's Indians. 98, 99, 2000 was the fucking Yankees. This is when he starts getting sketchy for me. 2001 was the Diamondbacks. 2002, I think, was the Angels. 2003 was the Marlins. 2004 was the Red Sox. 2005 was the White Sox. 2006 was the fucking Cardinals. Was it? 2007 was the Red Sox. 2008 was the Phillies. 2009 was the Yankees. 2010 was the Giants. Then I don't fucking know. 2011. All right, 2013 was us. The Giants won

another one in there, didn't they? We'll say 2012. Now I'll say 2011 was the Cardinals. Oh my God, if you don't like sports, you're in trouble now. Well, let's go do football. I can do it. I can do hockey if you want. I can go all the way back to about 1966, I believe. All right, Canadians, Maple Leafs, Canadians, Canadians, Brawens, Canadians, Brawens, Canadians, Flyers, Flyers, Canadians, Canadians, Canadians, Canadians, Islanders, Islanders, Islanders, Islanders, fucking Edmonton, Edmonton, Canadians, Edmonton, Edmonton, Calgary, Edmonton, 91, 92. Was that Pittsburgh? 93 was fucking Montreal. 94 was the Rangers. 95 was the Devils. 96 was the Avalanche. 97, 98 was the fucking

Red Wings. 99 was the Dallas Stars. Why are you guys listening to this? 2000 was the fucking Avalanche. No, it was the Devils. 2001 Ray Bork Avalanche. 2002 fucking Devils. 2003 the fucking Red Wings, maybe. Lightning, Strike, Ducks, Hurricanes. All right, sorry, I'm back. Let's read this thing here. I also grew up an Orioles fan, too. That was fucking ADD textbook right there. I love the Orioles and I love Major League Baseball, but why can't I get into the baseball season? It has nothing to do with my team. Oh, I read that wrong, but why can't I get into the baseball season? It has nothing to do with my team. I was happy for the socks, but it's just hard to get excited about the sport and I desperately want to. Is there a greater reason

I'm missing? Well, I mean, it kind of sucks that there's no salary cap and that, you know, the Red Sox can afford to spend a buck 80 a year and the fucking Yankees spend like 220 a year. So, I mean, essentially between the two of them, I mean, one of us is going to win the fucking division, probably 80% of the time. I mean, if you go back to 1996, the first time the Yankees won the division, all right, and that wasn't because they spent money. That was because George Steinbrenner got suspended and he wasn't allowed to fucking meddle. And I swear to God, he wouldn't he wouldn't trade it away Jeter. Definitely would have traded away Bernie Williams, probably Jorge Posada. And I bet even Mariano Rivera, just because nobody knew he hadn't

developed that cut fastball yet. No, he probably he probably keep like two of them, pick two of them. He definitely get rid of Andy Pettit. He fucking was up that guy's ass, even when he was crushing it. But anyways, I don't know, somewhere around 98, 99, it's just it's just become like ridiculously all about money. And I would say from there on, if the Red Sox didn't win it, the Yankees won it, did maybe Tampa Bay win it one year. I can tell you right now, the Orioles haven't fucking won it since I don't know when the 80s, maybe early 90s, I have no fucking idea. I would say that that's kind of what makes it suck. I don't understand why all leagues aren't run like the like NFL football, where Green Bay, Wisconsin can compete with New York City. It's great. It's a great thing.

So I would say that maybe that's why you can't get into the regular seasons, because a lot of times by June, what's the fucking point? And the great thing about the Orioles, I mean, you guys heads up that great tradition there. You know, when in three World Series, essentially in my lifetime, I was born in 68. So I don't remember 66 or 70, but I remember 83. I just remember you had all those great pitchers when I was growing up, Frank Tanana, Jim Palmer. Ah, fuck, there was another one. You guys always had like three number ones in your starting rotation. You guys were brutal. Eddie Murray at first base, fucking. I can't remember the other names. Who the fuck knows, but it was great. It was great to watch. The catch was hilarious. Why don't I think it's

Doug Desense? Wasn't any play third base for the fucking Angels? That's probably why you can't get into it. You probably can't get into it because it's not a level playing field. It's I don't know. I don't know what to tell you. Sorry. Just sort of fucking spaced halfway through that. All right. Childhood crushes. Billy Suave. When you were growing up in the late 70s, what celebrity ass would you have banged if you had the choice? Well, I mean, I was fucking like six years old. So was I supposed to take out my little Schmeckl, as the Jewish people say? I don't know what I would have done with it. A Charlie's Angel or perhaps Stevie Nicks? Who were you into? And was there someone that everyone was into that you couldn't understand why? Oh,

man, I fucking I loved everybody. I loved all three Charlie's Angels. I probably liked Farrah Fawcett. She's the one I wanted to bang. Kate Jackson was the one I wanted to marry. And I liked I liked Kate Jackson when she was on the rookies. I mean, she was a fucking nurse. She was married to Mike Danko. What a fucking name, huh? Mike Danko. She had that great voice. Ah, man, she was beautiful. And, you know, Jacqueline Smith, come on. Jacqueline Smith, she had the same haircut as Farrah Fawcett, except it was a brunette. I've always liked brunettes. So I liked all of them. And then I liked Christie McNichol, much to her chagrin. Who else?

I fucking liked them all. I'm trying to think of another show I used to watch. I liked Marsha Brady, you know, when she got a little bit older and was wearing those fucking miniskirts. Even Jan had a couple episodes. She hoarded up pretty good for a young me. I like that. Um, Joni from happy days when she got older, you know, was taking a few from Scott Bale. I liked her then. Let's see. Welcome back, Carter. That was a bunch of dudes, except for his wife. I wasn't into her, though. Uh, what else? What else did I used to watch? Welcome back. This one, you know, you watched it a lot when you could actually sing the second verse.

You always could spot a friend, but welcome back to that something and something, but a better boo. All right, I only could sing the first fucking line. Um, was that it? I think that was it. I had a very sheltered childhood. There was only like three channels. Um, I wasn't a big radio guy. I was too fucking young. Like I, the only reason why I knew about Kisk was a couple of my friends had older brothers and one of my friends was really good at drawing and he would draw, you know, all the Kisk characters and I had no fucking idea. My parents didn't take me to see Star Wars. I had no fucking idea. So I had no crush on Princess Leia. I remember that shit. That shit came out over the summer and I didn't even hear about it. I went outside and I played baseball

every fucking day. I only went down to the pool and I went swimming. No, we weren't even members of the pool at that point. They had like a community pool slash piss tank that we were, that we were members of. Yeah, I just went outside and I played every day. Go outside and play. Went out and we rode bikes, played baseball. We did what kids did back then and that's why we weren't fat kids. We fucking went outside. Well, there you go. I would say, yeah, the Charlie's Angels. I wasn't into the Bionic Woman. I didn't get into her. God damn it. I thought there was way more than that. I know there was. I just can't remember anymore. But was there anybody who everybody was into

and I couldn't understand it? No. No, I could. I thought they were all fucking beautiful. I really did. Fucking women in the late 70s. They were fucking Cheryl Teague's. I don't fucking remember. They were all gorgeous. I remember every magazine cover. If there was a woman on the cover, you know, I was a little kid, you had a crush on her. Childhood crushes, right? I just read that one. Instruments. Bill, I'm 14 years old. I suspect I'm one of your younger listeners. I'm going to learn how to play a new instrument. Oh, I'm going to learn how to play a new instrument this year. I already play piano and love the percussive nature of drums, but I also want to be able to shred a solo.

Any suggestions to which would be better to start. Definitely stick with piano. All right. There are more fucking pianos sitting around than anything else. Okay. So your whole life, if you can just sit down and just start playing a piano, women will come over to your piano, all right? Like flies to a, moths to a light. That's a great one to learn how to play. So definitely don't, even Tommy Lee said, I wish I stuck with it. You got to stick with the piano. Obviously prejudice to drums, drums of the shit. But if you shred a solo, I don't know. You know what? Maybe guitar?

Guitar and drums are great. Those are both badass instruments. And piano, like I said, is, it's very a social thing. Your whole life, you'll be able to sit down, all right? Attract women. And then when you become married and you become a father, you can sit around playing the, you know, oh, you know, dad, you're a dad, you're a prancer. Oh, Mike, he's playing the piano. Gather round, children. Comet and Cupid, Daughter and Blitzen. You know, you can do your own little jazzy version, but do you recall? Yeah, but either way, I'm good on you for learning an instrument,

you know, and not becoming a DJ, even though that's now acknowledged as an instrument. You want to be able to actually fucking do it. I don't give a fuck. Those DJs are amazing that they can take little sounds and make it into a song, but at the end of the fucking day, you know, they're cutting and splicing. They're more like editing an album while creating it at the same time, which I'm not going to lie to you, it's very impressive. All right, but there's nothing cooler than actually being able to play the sounds that those mousehead people are fucking sticking together. Wouldn't you agree?

Yeah, drums are cool as shit. I don't know what to tell you, but you already play piano, man. So you got that ear. Yeah, guitar. I would try, I would try them out, but don't give up playing the piano, man. That's a great one. It's a great one to play unless you're in a heavy metal band and they're all fucking rocking out and you're sitting there with the keyboard. That's a tough one. That was always a tough one. There's always a tough one to try to fucking headbang when you're behind a fucking keyboard. Oh, we're halfway there. All right, those guys in Journey. I'd actually like to learn how to play the piano,

you know, but I just have too much sympathy for my wife. I wouldn't do it. Hey, let me tell you, I can play drums with the piano. I'll tell you that's a little rough. Boyfriend cheated. Oh, wait, before we get into this, let me, let me read the last advertisement here for the week. Evoise, everybody. You are a business owner, but automated phone systems and secretaries aren't in your budget just yet. And juggling incoming calls yourself makes it hard to look like a professional. Here's something that will dramatically help you and make more, what? Here's something that will dramatically help you make more money in 2014. Evoise, whether you're a business of one or 100, Evoise will help you

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is because my mind goes to other places. I'm really understanding how my fucking brain works. I literally got halfway through reading that and I started thinking what pictures am I going to post this week from my Canadian tour, tour, tour. Okay, boyfriend cheated. Bill, I'm a 25 year old girl. You are a woman, lady. All right, don't sell yourself short. You're a woman. I found out my boyfriend was cheating on me. The truth is I'm sad, but at the same time I get that we're not meant to be together forever. Can you please suggest a fun way for me to break up with him just in a way that makes him feel like he did something wrong, but also feel like less of a man if that's possible. Love to you in the air. All right. Well, first of all, you know, you don't seem too broken up about

it. You're 25 years old. All right. You're in the prime of your life. And you're like, well, we're not going to be together anyway. So this guy broke up. How can you break up with them? Ah, Jesus. You know what? Women are way better at this than I am. Okay. Break up in a way that makes him feel like he did something wrong. Well, I mean, you could just say it. I'm breaking up with you because you cheated on me. You piece of shit, but also make him feel like less of a man. All right. Well, you know what? I'm going to put that on you, but don't go the usual hacky ways that women go where they usually say, you didn't satisfy me in bed. You have a little dick, you know, and don't go out and go fuck one of his friends

because eventually you regret that. That's just another notch on your fucking bedpost, unless you really want to bang one of them. That's a really brutal thing to do. That fucking breaks up their friendship and you don't give a shit, right? I don't know what to tell you. What could you do? All right, let's see. If someone did that to me, makes you feel like you did something wrong and make, what would make me feel like less of a man? Why don't you just break up with them and then I guess you got to go the hacky route and just say, oh, by the way, and then just point at his dick and just start laughing hysterically. I don't know. Maybe you'll come off as a psycho that way. Why don't you get him a cake?

Oh, Jesus. Oh, man. I almost don't want to even tell you to fucking do this. This is brutal. I get it. Is his birthday coming up? If his birthday is coming up, you take him out to a restaurant and you have him bring a cake over or maybe have your friends do it because I don't think the restaurant will do it. And he thinks it's a birthday cake. All right. And it says in frosting, you cheated on me. You piece of shit. Okay. And then you have your friends if they can sing and they'll just sing the happy birthday song with new lyrics. Why did you cheat on me, you douche? Why did you cheat on me, you douche? Why did you cheat on me, you douche bag? Why did you cheat on me, cunt? And he's got a big fucking candle shape like a dick.

Maybe funny if it's more of a limp dick. I don't know. Maybe something like that. Hey, look, I tried. What do you want from me? Okay. Hey, let me tell you, I was kind of rough. Um, anyways. Ah, fuck. Um, all right. So tonight I am, I want to thank, first of all, I want to thank everybody who's been coming out to my shows. This tour has been, I know I sound a kind of crabby and tired today, but I'm having a great time and there's a public rink down the street and I want to go skate around and get the fucking blood going before I drive out to London, Ontario tonight. I got Montreal next and then I got my day off where we're going to the Canadians and Bruins game. And then that's the end of the East coast swing. And then we started our West

coast swing, which will be Winnipeg, Edmonton, Calgary, uh, fucking Vancouver and then that little peninsula out there, whatever the fuck it's called. Um, I don't know, whatever. Dude, I am fucking out of it. I need, I need, I'm going to go skating and then I'm going to take a nap and I'm going to fucking kill it tonight in London. That is the game plan. I just threw my hat down. Do you hear that? Throw it down, get myself psyched up for the show tonight. That's the podcast for this week. Thank you to everybody, um, who's come out to my shows up here. I gotta tell you, man, don't sleep on Canada and come up here during the wintertime. It's fucking great. If you'd like to, that's actually a great way to learn how to enjoy the winter and come to

Canada in the winter. You know, I actually talked to somebody and they, they, you know, I was saying how, you know, I always wanted to fucking build a rink in my backyard for my kids that I don't have. And, um, this guy was like, oh yeah, I did it. You know, they all have these different techniques on how to make the ice perfect and they build these little ass fucking rinks for their kids and then tear them down and reassemble them every fucking year. It's, uh, they're, they're amazing people, man. Really fun people up here and great goddamn food. The only thing that I'm going to bitch about is in Toronto. We're sitting there. We bought these Cuban cigars and there's no fucking place to smoke them standing on a heat lamp like assholes freezing our asses off

trying to smoke these cigars, man. There's not one cigar bar and, uh, in all of Toronto and something sad. I noticed happened up here. I finally went to the El Macambo last night because I wanted to have a drink because that's where, uh, Stevie Ray Vaughn and double trouble had this great live DVD that they did. And I always wanted to go into, it's a great dive. Uh, all these people have played there fucking, you know, the Rolling Stones did a show there in like 1977. It's a really famous place and I went over there and it's closed. It's actually for sale and people are kind of holding their breath, hoping that someone is going to buy it and refurbish it and keep the legend going. And, uh, I took a picture of it with a melancholy look on my face

last night and, uh, I wish I had a chance to go in there, but I'm hoping that someone's going to buy it and keep it going because I, I, I was one that was on my bucket list and I fucking blew it. Last time I was here, I could have gone in there and I just got too fucking busy. I blew it. Anyways, that's the podcast for this week. Uh, go fuck yourselves. I will talk to you next week. I'll let you know about the rest of the tour and the upcoming possibly Joe Bartnick, Jason Lawhead, Paul Verzi. It's just a rumor, but what I bring it up, if it wasn't going to be a fact, tune in next week and find out who's a wrong one.