Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 3-11-13

Episode Date: March 12, 2013

Bill rambles about water damage, asbestos, and why red heads will still be here in 2060

Today's show is brought to you by Audible. Please visit audible.com slash bill for your free audio book download. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's the Monday Morning podcast for Monday, March 11th, 2013. How you doing? How's your life working out for you this week? I, um, I had a fall. Jesus. You know what? I can't even tell you what happened. Uh, I can't tell it. I have to sing it to you. It's got to come from my heart. Oh, if you're a lucky man, good things happen to you. But if you're a red cunt, this is for the fucking zoo. You'll be out on the road and find out your roof collapsed and there won't be a thing you can do about it. That make any sense? I don't care if it did.

You know, most of some of the biggest hits never made any sense, right? Oh, sugar, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo. You are my candy girl. Um, so I was touring the Midwest barn storming as they say, driving in some no name dodge SUV. You know, that's what you get when you say, Hey, I want to rent a car from Madison, Wisconsin to Detroit, Michigan, and I don't want to bring it back. Do you have a car for me? And they say, Oh, what, you know what? I think we got one here in the back. I didn't even know dodge made an SUV. You know, dodge is like the Oldsmobile of Chrysler. Um, Oldsmobiles are nice. I'd like, you know, I miss all those cars. Remember the Oldsmobile? Remember when people had a mercury? What else do they discontinue?

Pontiacs? What has happened to this country? What are we bad to done? You Chevy or a Cadillac that's fucking it? Ford or a Lincoln? Go fuck yourself. You know, you either have it or you don't. Once again, another sign of the middle class shrinking. Um, Oh, by the way, you know, I just found out, you know, because I don't pay attention to politics anymore, because I just feel like, All right, you know, they're, they're eventually just, they're going to run into the ground and we're going to have to build it back up again. That's, that's basically what's going to happen. I guess. So, uh, old, uh, fucking liberal face there. He signed that thing New Year's Eve basically passing off that now they can just arrest you and detain you

without a trial forever. That's good. There you go. See that right there, people? Remember when you all made fun of me? Cause I don't vote for the fucking number one horse and number two horse. That's why, cause there's no difference. It's the same fucking horse. Oh, shut up, Bill. All right. So this is what happened. So I'm fucking driving this no-name Dodge driving this Dodge SUV. I'm in Madison, Wisconsin. And, um, I already do all these awesome shows. I love going to towns like that, by the way. I can tell you this unbelievably underrated is cities that, uh, Frank Sinatra did not sing about, you know, or Tony Bennett any, any crooner, if a crooner has sung about a city, then you can tell right away that,

you know, before you even land on the ground, there's going to be ridiculous traffic and everything's going to cost twice as much. You know, my kind of town Chicago is $80 for a hamburger Chicago is that fucking loop where no traffic fucking moves. Why did we come here? Right? I left my hat in San Francisco, that your fucking wallet there. And then New York, you know what that is, right? Munch of fucking losers with stenciled goatees and sweatpants thinking they're fucking, they're making it. If I can wake up in a city, right? And they're sitting there shirtless, riding in a fucking you go that they cut the roof off of putting their hands in the air as they drive through fucking Times Square, making

a video for their Rockabilly album, you know, all of those places. I'm not saying you shouldn't go there. You should definitely go there, right? And bring your easel and do a little sketch or whatever the fuck it is you're supposed to do. But I'm telling you, don't sleep on Madison, Wisconsin. Don't you dare look down on Milwaukee, Wisconsin. And I'll tell you right now, I got another one for you. This is the uppercut Grand Rapids, Michigan. Yeah. Where are you guys going on vacation? You going to Puerto Rico? You going to aquapoco? No, we're going to Grand Rapids, Michigan. We're going to get some fucking I'm going to go get a waffle witch at the the real food cafe. I ate like a fucking suicidal plumber this week. At least the breakfast is I had a

waffle witch when I was in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Oh, Royal Oak, Michigan. I also forgot about that. And I'll tell you downtown Detroit slowly coming back. The outskirts are still pretty scary. But I got to tell you, you know, they have pockets, you know, there's a gleam, gentlemen. There is a gleam. Where's fucking pre playoff. I think I talked about that speech ever. Marty Schottenheimer is trying to get his team amped up to win a playoff game. The standing on that fucking football weather where you can see your breath, you know, and as they're looking at his breath in his breath, it says there's a gleam, gentlemen. There is a gleam. A gleam. A gleam has never been spoken in football ever. You know, if you in fact, if you have a gleam, I think at this point,

that's one of the reasons why you get cut from a football team. Why did you get what you get rid of him? I thought he was doing all right on our special teams. There was a gleam. It was a gleam, gentlemen, and I didn't like it. I didn't see that killer instinct. He was too gleamy. Yes, his podcast isn't going to make any sense because my fucking brain is all over the place because I have a hole in the roof of my house. I will get to that. Okay, I will get to that and you will sit and you will wait kind, sir. So anyways, I'm in Madison, Wisconsin, you know, and I was working with Nate Craig and he's from that neck of the woods. Actually grew up right near there. So he was taking me around town, went to all these great places to eat, went to this some legendary

breakfast place, one of those greasy spoons that somebody who's running for president stops in at, you know, has two bites of eggs, does a thumbs up with some fucking immigrant wearing an apron, and then he leaves. Well, I actually stayed there. I ate the whole breakfast and I'm not running for anything, you know? Oh, God, I'm so fat right now. You can't believe how smooth my stomach is. My stomach right now is so fucking smooth. You wouldn't even believe that I could sit up in bed because you would say that poor bastard was born without abdomens, abs, abdominals, there's the fucking word. So anyways, we do the gig. We do the gig. What the fuck was it? I don't even know anymore. Was it Thursday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday? No, Wednesday, we do the gig Wednesday. We have

a great fucking time after the gig. This guy from the weary traveler in rest slash restaurant tells us to come by. We go over there. I look on the menu. What do they have on the menu? They have Hungarian goulash. When was the last time you ever saw a Hungarian fucking goulash or the rated G version Hungarian goulash on a menu? Well, if you do, then you live in one of these fucking towns that Frank never sung about. And I was like, my mother used to make Hungarian goulash. I got it. I got to try it. Then I guess when my mother made it, when my mother when she made it, she put noodles in it. But this was the I guess that that the noodles came in in Ellis Island, which evidently meant the Hungarians were near the Italians and they were like, oh,

what you got in the pot there? You know what you need? Step aside. Why don't you put some fucking noodles in there right there? And right there is a Dano. So anyways, I had this this cup of if you're in Madison, Wisconsin, go I'm going to hype all these fucking restaurants, go to the weary traveler in and try a cup or get yourself a bowl of the Hungarian goulash. It's fucking tremendous. It's got a nice kick to it. You know, I visited a couple of old friends, you know, with ice on them. And I had a great time. And, you know, great mix of people there. We talked conspiracy theory. We talked about West Welka getting traded. You know, we had an awesome fucking time. So everything's going great. You know, I'm breathing in the winter air,

looking at the dirty snow. I'm feeling good. I'm feeling like nothing can touch me. My life is going to be phenomenal. All right. Now the next thing that happened on this trip is so fucking traumatic. I don't really remember when it started. I believe I was coming out of that greasy diner that I'm sure Joe Biden is eating in. And when the pancakes are delicious, click picture taken, he's out forces himself to puke in the in the taxpayers bus that he's driving around in. Anyways, the lovely Mia calls me up and she's in absolute tears. All right, we had just done redone her office, redid the floors. I swear to God, dude, it looked like a fucking basketball court in there, a very small basketball court. You know, if you were like a

fucking squirrel, it would look like a full court basketball court to you. All right, but whatever, I'm just saying it was fucking beautiful. We did the walls. They even painted the ceiling. It was the one room in my old ass fucking house that was immaculate. All right, I just got the roof done listeners of the podcast realized I just got the roof done. So I'm psyched. Okay, cause two things you don't want in your fucking house. You don't want fire and you don't want water. Nothing does damage like that. It's just it's fucking over. So she calls me up crying and says the fucking ceiling collapsed in the office and there's water pouring in and I'm I am in the middle of fucking nowhere, Wisconsin. I was in between

somewhere between Madison and Milwaukee and I get this picture and I get this phone call and I'm immediately frantic and I was like, it has the water stopped because it has it rained that night and I'm like, is the water stopped? And I'm thinking, we just put a new roof on it. Did they fuck up the roof? What the fuck happened? A zillion things that going through my head. How long was the water pouring in? Cause it happened when she was sleeping and then she goes, no, it stopped. And then she went back in. She goes, no, it started again. And I was like for the little and you know, she was talking about her pictures and shit and I'm like, no, the floor is the fucking rest of the house. I wish I thought to tell her

to push the fucking couch. Got this stupid IKEA couch, you know, and you're not thinking you're just trying to get the furniture out of the way fucking fuck the couch. Let the couch be a giant fucking sponge. Well, whatever, I was in the middle of nowhere and what ended up happening was it wasn't the roof. I have a crawl space between my ceiling and the roof and there was some, you know, my house is like 90 years old. So there was some sort of part of the drainage things. One of the joints failed. It backed up on the side of the house and the water came up and then one of the joints failed and then it just started to pool. It sunk down through the wood and then, you know, made the plaster wet and then it collapsed and she didn't hear it collapse

because it kind of hit the couch. It was also fucking soaking wet and the damage was done and it went all the way down to the bottom of my fucking house and my house looks like a disaster right now. But I got to say the insurance company did step up once they realized that it wasn't a rufus fault and that it was a plumbing issue or whatever the I don't know what the fuck they said. They have stepped up and they came over here fucking help the lovely Neil clean up. They put some fans on it but by then the fucking damage was done. So I don't know what's going to happen. I'm absolutely sick right now because they're trying to tell me that the floor buckled and I immediately pictured all the floorboards just every one of them just fucking looking

like hammer toes but I think they're trying to say it's in the middle of the room. I don't know what but that wood is priceless you know that's the wood that they from trees they cut down on the 20s that were you know old trees when wood was solid men were men and women didn't have a voice. Now you got that home depot shit you know I should make as much as you kind of wood right. So that's my big fear is that they're going to take out that wood and replace it with the other so I've already put the kibosh on that and I'm like listen insurance peoples that's the kind of wood that was there and that's the kind of wood that's going to be put down if I have to fucking scour the earth to find it. If I have to go to Detroit

and go into one of those abandoned fucking crack house beautiful hundred year old fucking houses and take the wood out myself I am I don't want to get into it it's fucking horrible my brother's coming out to visit you know he's visited me like 20 times in my career and the first fucking 16 I was sleeping on a futon the last three times I had a bed and a one bedroom apartment I finally have a fucking house right finally feeling like a success he's gonna come and the fucking fucking way I was joking this week on stage that the hole in the ceiling it looked like just imagine if a grizzly bear's like parachute didn't open that was the size of the fucking hole and I don't know why I think grizzly bear I just remember seeing one fall out of a tree

one time when they shot it with something you know a tranquilizer gun and uh just kind of came down was like a big ball of fur that's what it looks like maybe a maybe a black bear I'd say I don't know people you know the whole time I bought this fucking house the entire time I've been fixing this fucking thing and it's all been shit you can't see plumbing electrical I don't even know what else the fucking roof just shit you can't see and I was finally getting to the fun part shit you can see the floors right shit you can show off to people when they come over finally get a room done and mother nature's like oh look at old billy boy he thinks he's got a nice house there let's let's let's do this oh hey the fucking hole in

your ceiling how do you like that you like that oh you want some more you want some more there's a little fucking glass of water deal with that all the way down to your basement all right there your freckled cunt how do you like that so I bet absolutely uh I don't know and you know it's um it's you know it's a typical story typical story man tries to do something takes two steps forward gets kicked in the balls and falls three steps backwards typical typical story never doubtedly there's going to be some comedy in this at some point but I realize it's tragedy plus time and I'm still in the middle of the fucking tragedy oh you know what else is great because the walls are so old there's asbestos in them you know like one percent

so now the people who are going to take the plaster down today are like well we're not trained to do that we don't have the proper filtration system so now they're out right they're looking at the shit downstairs like oh we got a test for lead paint it's like it was made in the 20s you know it has lead paint probably has 14 coats of it under fucking 36 that were painted on top of that so oh god I just you know I swear to god I swear to god the first time I hate to say this the first time ever I was in my garage today and I just and I actually quietly said to myself I hate this house ah Jesus Christ do you guys say that about your kids does that ever happen every time you try to make your kid a better fucking citizen and every time you think he fucking turned around the stupid

fuck comes home you know got into a fight at school got caught with a 12 pack or something and just like I just wish I never had that one should have stopped at the other one or maybe skip this one so I don't know anyways this is the Monday morning podcast everybody and but you know something I am uh fuck it I'll I'll say something positive in a second let's get into the advertising I gotta hype something for a good buddy of mine will silvince who was nice enough to be part of the group of comics that helped to honor patrice o'neill at the benefit we had and uh will was one of patrice's great friends and a roommate of his god they looked together at least five six years so anyways will made some t-shirts

we sold most of them at the benefit he still has some left and I know a lot of people wanted to be a part of the benefit and you also wanted to help out patrice's family well here's your opportunity to get some limited edition patrice o'neill t-shirts ones that are left you can go to www.I'mbetterthanu.com and I'm better than you uh the arm there's no uh fucking what is an apostrophe whatever the that thing is between the i and the m it's all one word all lowercase I'm better than you and you is spelled just the letter you dot com we'll put the link up on the podcast page just know when you buy those that they're limited edition and also you'll be given money to patrice's uh his mother and his family all right there you go so audible.com

every day everybody every day everybody audible audible is the internet's leading provider of spoken audio entertainment information and educational program programming content from audible is downloaded and played back on personal computers cds or ipod players audible offers over 100 000 hours of audio programs from 270 content partners that include leading audio book publishers broadcasters entertainers magazines and newspaper publishers podcasters and business information providers listen whenever and wherever you want just like the podcast you are listening to right now audible has over 1000 science and technology and over 1100 science fiction and fantasy titles with more being added all the time audible has over 100 000 titles to choose from every genre

genre audible has it covered oh man i'm a moron get a free audio book download when you sign up for a free trial today you know we should do that me maybe i'll be better at reading out loud go to www dot audible podcast dot com slash bill to get your free audio book today all right so there you go well here's here's the positive thing that i take out of um out of what happened to me oh here's one thing that you know you know when your life is is messed up something bad is happening to you is people bring up the fact that you still have your health that's usually a good sign that something horrific happened to you but um actually seeing that story about that guy fucking dying in that sinkhole was one of the creepiest things i've ever seen in my life and i

was like okay all right i'm sitting here crying about some wet floors and walls was i swallowed up by the earth you know so i don't know i guess that's that's my positive way of looking at it by them bringing that horrific image into your head the fuck is wrong with me um did i mention when i was in grand rapids michigan i had a waffle witch i did say that right what's a waffle which you ask it's a sandwich made out of a waffle with scrambled eggs and bacon and cheddar cheese in the middle of it and i still think i'm paying for it but you know something it was delicious i gotta tell you i did enjoy that waffle witch um you know what i'm not even gonna fuck around i'm gonna write the emails here because this is something that's been bugging me said uh emails

red is dead billy ready two shoes uh they said that by 2060 all redheads might be gone also the greeks believed redheads turned to vampires after they died thanks and good luck all right the key word in that is they say i guess that's words they say that by 2060s by 2060 all redheads might be gone do you realize how fucking dumb you have to be to believe that all redheads are gonna be gone by 2060 that's literally 47 years from now i mean granted by 20 in 2060 i'm gonna turn 92 i'm an old fuck right now i'm 45 years old this year by 2060 i will be 92 years old but that's that's possible man if i keep eating waffle witches and having my house collapse on me i imagine that's going to take a toll all right for all

you fucking morons out there who hear that in a bar or read it on the internet and you just keep repeating it without even thinking of what's coming out of your mouth how many little red-edged boys and girls have you seen go to the mall they're fucking two three years old you're telling me they're all going to be dead before they're 50 you dumb fucks this is so fucking dumb some asshole said it was a recessive gene and by the time it went around the bar we were all going to be dead in 20 minutes and people are so fucking dumb and they just repeat what they hear that they come at you and they say dumb shit like that do you realize how many people have said that to me i mean at least this guy was smart enough to at least put it to 20s 2060

i mean look if we're all going to be gone we're fucking taking you cunts with us because unless you guys just like if the next hitler comes along and he just really hates fucking red heads it starts to eat but even then there's going to be one of those shindler list guys who's going to make a list of us fucking red heads and we're going to survive right and then we'll have a museum of tolerance for fucking red heads and then the history channel will slowly stop showing holocaust stuff and try and balance it out and show some redhead genocide you know and then there'll be some some uh steven uh ready redberg will make some fucking movie and get a bunch of awards and then the

howard stern of them will make the analogy like i tell you how to do if you want to make a finna fucking win award is make some sad movie about the redhead genocide let me tell you fucking blondies you brownies you blackies all of you fuckers blackies that didn't sound good i was talking about hair oh jesus all right we're here to stay all right don't ever estimate i would i'd estimate the fucking heart of a redhead okay that's why your hair's red that's that burning passion in us it's not the devil it's because we're better than you we're a select few you know what i mean you know what you guys are you fucking blondes brunettes all you cunts you know what you guys are you like the fucking four tourists you go down the highway

there's a fucking zillion of you every once in a while you see a testarosa all right a nice freckled one has that ever been done has anybody ever been had a fucking swagger about being a redhead um all right one last little advertisement here really quickly legal zoom dot com everybody it's national start your business month at legal zoom dot com okay i know i've been talking about this for more than a month but so many of you are starting businesses right now so legal zoom has decided to to extend it through march this unbelievable offer call it whatever you want just remember this is a great time to start your own business whether you're setting up an llc an s corp sole proprietorship or a non-profit legal zoom takes care of you from start to finish

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com today all right back to the podcast here yes so for the love of god can you people stop and just think you know all right you know what red heads any red heads out there listening just say to them just go like do you realize how fucking stupid you are right now uh oh whatever who gives a fuck i don't give a shit that's not my goddamn cause you know what i can i can guarantee this right now i'm still gonna be around in 2060 and i'll be out there climbing that fucking rope and i'll have the last bit of lead paint and asbestos out of my house and we'll see and then you guys be able technically not ready anymore because all your fucking air fell out and the shit on the side of your head is is white

and that might do me in and i'll be like oh bullshit and i'll fucking grab my chest clutch my little freckled heart and i'll keel over and you know what you know what you guys will do you'll fucking laugh because in your core you're a cunt all right hey bill okay i want a boyfriend here we go oh jeez here we go bill i want a boyfriend hey bill i know you're probably you probably just read the subject and went all will drop your panties bitch now i would never do that that's if you said you wanted to get laid um so anyway she says that's not quite the case i'm a guy oh the left turn the left turn i don't even need to read this oh wait he's only a freshman i was gonna say how was the guy you not know how to get a boyfriend

at this point half the sitcoms are based on gay guys at this point aren't they was that was that fucking statement as dumb as all red heads are gonna be dead by 2060 i don't care i got a hole in my fucking house he says i'm a guy i'm a freshman in high school and i like guys i'd consider myself i consider myself average pretty good at sports and decent with the ladies you said i'm still in the closet uh yo gay guys fucking slay it you guys fucking slay it you know if you wanted to if you wanted to i'm telling you you know what it is because you i don't know i don't know what the fuck it is this you give a fuck about clothes the way they do well you want to watch the same shit that's the thing about gay guys you guys want to do the

same shit women want to do so hence you're around them and next thing you know you're dicks in their mouth if i could just keep if i could just kept my fucking mouth shut you know during dirty dancing and ghost and all those things i i would have done much better when i was a younger man but whatever this isn't about me this is about you let's plow ahead he goes i go to a public school and there aren't many gays well not not as far as you know um i don't want some fabulous guy just another normal guy like me i like that you don't want them to be like sitcom gay walking in a room going oh my god love it are there any gay guys like that at this point um anyways what advice could you give someone in my position maybe your lovely girlfriend has an opinion thanks

bill i love the podcast and go fuck yourself you know what i might even call me in for this one hang on a second let me put this fucking thing on pause all right the lovely knee everybody can you just close the door by the way there's a fucking cuz the goddamn fan trying to dry out the walls come over here we only have one microphone our shit is all over the place so i don't even know where the hell the other microphone is all right all right so here's the deal i feel like we're singing backup for somebody right now um this dude wants a boyfriend he's a freshman in high school uh he's still in the closet slaying it with the ladies he doesn't want some fabulous guy he just wants another normal guy like himself

and he said what advice could you give someone in his position maybe your lovely girlfriend has an opinion thanks bill love the podcast oh and go fuck yourself so he's in the closet but you want to meet a guy jesus christ what did i just say what did he just say i know but i'm trying to like take in the situation i mean first of all i feel like if you've been drinking you have wine on your breath yeah i was drinking champagne in the other room it's four o'clock in the afternoon um i think i mean i first of all i think you should maybe not necessarily come out of the closet to everyone but you have to sort of go where the gays go and i don't mean just bars and stuff but there are certain like restaurants and like areas that are you know heavily populated

given like a power point a power point like presentation and like and you have to go where the gays go you should just written that down on a chalkboard the thing is i think it's a little bit problematic that you're still in the closet you are free to come out whenever you want to you shouldn't have time out time out time out but i'm saying when you're when you're out of the closet it makes it easier for you to meet other people and get into a whole little groove and you meet people and they invite you places here there and everywhere and that's how you start to meet people but if you're still quiet no no you can't but when you're still in the closet there's going to be that secretiveness and that sort of sneaking around and hiding and ducking in corners and you

start getting the situations that you don't want to be in as a closet a gay person because i feel like any gay person who's lived their life in the closet trying to date secretly will tell you no will tell you that it could lead to not so good situations so i feel like you should probably come out in a way or at least just start hanging out with other gay people i'm gonna have to start having an orchestra start playing when your answer goes on if you want me on here to answer questions i'm gonna answer them the way i answer them i don't need you to tell me when i don't need anybody telling me how to answer them snap snap snap ask me to come in here if you're just gonna like micromanage how i answer the question what is wrong with you you know you're an angry drunk

i'm not drunk couple of glasses of champagne you turn into an asshole i'm not i don't think you should come out not as a freshman for fuck sakes people are such assholes you know what i mean i think you should just i think you should go find some other college he's a freshman in high school oh and high school you know fucking just ride it out find some other gay kids hang out with them play baseball down at the uh the gay baseball park and uh when you know once you become a you kick once you you know what you need to do you got to leave your fucking town behind then you move to a city does your high school not have to a city let me finish my ignorance you don't move to a city they'll have the the gay part of town and it's gonna be over asking is

because a lot of high schools gonna have abs a lot shut up a lot of more progressive high schools they'll have like an lgbt you know club or something like that this he obviously doesn't have that already we'd fucking join it he went he's going to high school like i went to high school you know get back on d right it's a fucking meathead school that's what's going on with him those morons aren't going to understand him why why go through extra fucking pain the great thing is he knows who he is and he knows the direction he's going you're gonna be fine uh i would say try and stay in shape because you are trying to appeal to a bunch of guys and we're all fucking you know i just don't want him to start trolling around online getting sucked into some seedy

situations where older guys are going to take advantage of himself because he's young in the closet and he's very you know he doesn't quite know what to do i just i'm worried that he's going to get sucked into that type of shit as opposed to trying to find peers where you're all sort of going through it together that's why i was encouraging to come out of the closet or to at least maybe start affiliating if you're if your high school has one of those lgbt clubs or whatever you know that way you you feel less alone so you're less likely to like i say go online and get sucked into some weird headstrip sexual abuse situation because there's nothing like an older predator no that an older predator will love more than a young confused i'm still in

the closet wait a minute now not so you're saying older gay guys are predators i'm saying there are older people who will prey on a young young well listen 50 year old guys will try and bang an 18 year old chick so why would why would somebody say we're all pieces of shit what kind of hatred are you spewing i'm just saying i want to bring the world together he's in a very precarious situation and if you start going down that road where you're just sneaking around so much you can get caught up into some bad shit and i don't want some older guys saying oh that shit he's getting blown by fucking chicks this guy's killing it's like he's hitting from both sides of the plate so are you buying no he's still in the closet but he's killing it with the ladies

well you need to stop that right now i don't know he doesn't good for him it's just gonna be another chapter in the book i think you're gonna be fine sir the news podcast it's on its way everyone on twitter i know you guys have been asking me for weeks what's going on with the podcast what's happening is i'm also rebuild are you fighting with your record label what's going on why is this project keeping delayed i know i'm rebuilding my website right now and it's got my films on it's got some writing that's your podcast room is underwater my podcast room is underwater my sanctuary is destroyed but that's why it's taking so long so bear with me you guys but um you should do you should do a podcast underwater in a flooded room just like

Kanye West he had a busted jaw he still went in the studio where you going all right all right well listen we were just fucking around there i think the great thing is that you already know who you are so you're gonna end up where you want to be um that age is really isn't it easy for anybody but uh i will tell you this all of all the fucking bullshit she said she's right about those creepy old gay guys looking for a young confused young man out there you know you're better than that all right you gotta have some standard no white chest hair beaded old pubes all righty plowing ahead what do we got here dilemma hey bill would you rather be permanently invisible under the condition that inanimate objects you've touched also become invisible

jesus christ or would you want to be able to shape shift into anyone or anything in the world but you have to stay that way for 24 hours oh without a doubt shape shift i mean how lonely would it be if i was invisible and everything i touched became invisible i wouldn't want to do that you know would i want to do that how could i bring down these fucking international bankers if i was invisible then i can make inanimate shit invisible well that's what i do i touch a bunch of guns and give them to the regular people and have them go down to one of those fucking devils islands meetings um no i wouldn't do that no i'd be a shape shifter now the real question is who would you shape shift into troy ekman you know i'd commentate a game right out of the bat you know

right out of the gate to see if people could notice i have i have some of those gloves that he has you know those i'm an adult guy gloves now the ones dan marina used to sell i got one of those long it's wintertime coats and sometimes i wear a suit you know kind of coats i could stand there with fucking ear muffs on uh what would i sound like them who would i shape shift into that's a fucking weird one oh i you know what i couldn't handle that power because then basically if you could shape shift all you'd have to do is shape shift into any girl you ever wanted to fuck whoever she's fucking you just shape shift into that person you just come walking through the door hello you know with some flowers

oh my god i'd be the first person brought out now what kind of rape would that be the shape shift and rapist you know and then they'd have to somehow how would they stop me from shapeshifting myself into the foreman of the jury to say we the jury find old billy rapist red face not guilty on all charges oh my god to that big Jesus christ um although being a shapeshifter would be great man you could freak the fucking world out you know it'd be great if some like huge leader of the world was was given a speech and you somehow got behind them and we're also on tv jumping up and down you know like somebody who painted that face except you look just like the guy giving the speech you know oh that could be endless fucking fun

how would i handle shapeshifting oh Jesus there'd be a lot of conversations with the higher power with that one you know like when you drink and then you get sick and you're like oh god i swear to god i'm never gonna do that again just let me get through this i swear to god i'm gonna clean up my fucking act like what do you say to god after you just shapeshifted into your neighbor and fucked his wife god if he can find it in your heart i mean technically you know she doesn't know she's none the wiser and uh i know it was wrong and uh i'll say i'll blame hail marys i promise i will not shapeshift into anybody today that's all i mean i you know something that's one of the things when after i died and god's giving me that you go into hell look now

i'm just gonna be like dude i mean come on i could shapeshift all right half the people on earth can't even handle becoming a bouncer without being a douche i could shapeshift what did you think i was going to turn into fucking ronald mcdonald and push some kid on a swing all right there was some hotties that lived on my block and uh some other guys got to him before i did and i should have been man enough to accept that but you know i had this uh get out of jail free card so i shapeshifted into him when they were uh away on business and i would just come home surprise home a day early and then i fucked him and then i left and then i let her deal with the weirdness the next day when her husband came home when he came home a day later hey i'm all home

how are you what do you mean you're home where where were you you know i thought you were just in the bedroom and then he's like what what the fuck's going on jesus christ you know something i thought they had made every porno that you could make is that's a whole new shapeshifting porn shapeshifting porn discovered right here on the monday morning podcast um all right what the fuck else am i that's all the emails i had this week that's all i got half a fuck six you know what you know something you only see worse i didn't watch any fucking hockey this week i watched nothing i didn't even get to enjoy the fucking boston bruins winning three to nothing shanthorton beating the shit out of that fucking ronaldo guy what

the hell his name is i missed all of that missed all of that because i was i was on the road again you know it was a great gig too i did the fountains street church for laugh fest out in uh grand rapids michigan and what was phenomenal about that was uh i got to perform in a church i got to go up on the pulpit give a little speech i had a great time you know amazing it reminded me of old tiger stadium um because old tiger stadium was one of the few stadiums that was the only stadium major league that had an upper deck that went all the way around and this church had an upper deck that went all the way around the church from one side of the altar all the way to the other and then the altar was up there and uh i don't know maybe feel like

i was in an old ballpark all right let me see here oh okay okay here we go ah you know what i'm doing right now i'm trying to update so i can fill out the rest of this podcast i'm looking for uh i'm looking for emails this isn't good this isn't good to be doing on a live podcast somebody's texting me you think bonham is good could he do this in six inch in a in a six inch stiletto all right oh shealy yes shealy e kills it i still think i still think bonham's better than shealy e come on you know plus john bonham was he was sort of a fashionista he used to wear those silly little boots all the time he could still fucking he could still kill it what is with everybody always trying to fucking while i guess he's the benchmark right

um although shealy is the shit all right here we go i found an email i'm just gonna start randomly reading these right now hey bill i'm an avid fan of your podcast as i listen to it every monday with my chemistry tuta who is now a fan of yours as well well jesus you guys aren't getting anything done are you um i have a question to ask and forgive me if i give you a history lesson but this is something i want to get off my chest holy fuck is this a longing ah come on people try not to get things off your chest you know how bad i read all right let's give it a shot you know the first thing i'm gonna do i'm gonna make it larger all right it's kind of personal for me but you as a man might understand and i'm not saying a woman wouldn't understand better

because she probably would never understand at all my problem i am a loner and i have always been i relate to that sir 100 we are on the same page i never made any friends as a kid and i was abandoned by everyone i knew all right now you just went into the fucking now you sound like you're in uh what is it hands christian anderson what's the name of that guy who wrote a not toy story what the fuck is it called their uh christmas story christmas carol something christian christian leitner and i came fucking um ghost of christmas past part two anyways i don't know anything about my family members because their name besides their name and job title over the years i started to hate everybody i came into contact with every person

i met i'd be condescending towards and i was indifferent towards everyone i met a few years ago i had this girl try and become my friend which is weird because since i keep to myself and nobody bothers me but all of a sudden this girl comes up to me and starts asking about who i am i of course tell her to fuck off jesus christ dude because i tell her to fuck off and i'm cold and indifferent you're not indifferent you have a definite feeling towards her fuck off she wrote the same bus i wrote and she tried to make conversation with me a lot but still i was just telling her to fuck off but not in those exact words oh okay all right but uh i told her to go talk to someone who cares dude how old are you every time i looked at her she always smiled

at me the smile was the most amazing smile i've ever seen in my life if a smile was a super yeah you fucking had a crush on her if a smile was a superpower it'd be hers and i couldn't help but melt a bit every time i saw her smile ah jesus christ dude what's going on here a few years ago i got into every i got everyone in the school coming up to up to me asking who i was oh a few years later turns out that she was asking everybody about me for two years and nobody could tell her anything about me so now she's gotten the whole school interested in me and finding out who i am dude is this like a fantasy or did this this really happen do you wear like a leather jacket and ride a motorcycle um they never learned anything about me now that i am in college

i'm starting to see her everywhere dude can you just fuck this girl or take her out for a malt already come on man this is a critical part of your life you're young this girl you're still you're drafting in the first round you don't want to wait too long you wait too long to fucking find a mate all of a sudden you know you're trying to find some fucking once in a lifetime six round pick you know like a tom brady it's not out there um he goes why anyways when we actually meet it's awkward and she just stares at me uncomfortably then runs away i don't know why this happens to me whenever i think i see what i don't know why this happens to me whenever i think i see here or actually run into her is there something wrong with me why am i going through

this weird bouts of fight or flight mode dude because you were fucking abandoned by everyone around you which hurt you as a kid so now you're trying to fucking wall yourself off you should fucking talk to that girl just tell us say listen you gotta understand i'm a psycho i didn't have anybody in my life i don't know how to do this but when you smile at me i almost fall out of my chair can you handle the fact that i'm socially a little far behind my peers and with that would you like to go see a movie okay and then every time you feel like sabotaging it just i don't know i don't know dude that's that's you're gonna have to undo like 20 years of shit it sounds like i don't know if you can do if you can do this uh you know in one week you

know like those dumb doctor phil shows you need to come out of your shell and everybody claps and then you go and like the guy's supposed to be fixed it's going to take a while but dude you know something you should definitely go after this girl if you're feeling stuff like that you should definitely do it and uh she sounds like she's you know socially uncomfortable too so you know you can help her she can help you both you guys you get a little more outgoing next to you know you you might you might have something there and if not at the very least going through that experience with her will give you a couple at bat so when the right one comes along you'll know what to do all right there you go good luck to you sir um all right what are we up to here

ah 49 minutes it's fucking dragon i'm sorry guys this is why i never do podcasts when i fly i stink i i never should do podcasts when i fly out i come home and there's a fucking hole in my ceiling all right is that bad oh here's one hey bill you're being ripped off there's a video out there called staking a bj day no you know what i ripped them off i actually read about it and i forgot i read about it and i said that this should be staking a blowjob day this right there is why i don't watch other comedians x because shit just flies in your head throughout the course of years and years and years then all of a sudden somebody asks the question you give the answer and you think it's yours and it's not

staking a blowjob dad did not come up with that somebody else came up with that so i am not i am not offended this is like you guys listening to me just read my junk mail isn't that what's going on right now can somebody please explain to me how the fucking Montreal Canadians are in first place how do those cunts suck in this still good you just at this point you just have to give it up to that franchise they're just a good fucking franchise but you know something the fucking Pittsburgh penguins Pittsburgh penguins all of a sudden they're coming on you know what but those motherfuckers those motherfuckers they always they like every time they went from Mario Lemieux then they got yarmer yarger right then they had a little bit of a lull there then they got

old rosy red lips and they get Gino and then they also had fucking out what's his face that they just traded to the hurricanes i can't think of anybody's fucking name and then you think like okay that's it it's over right how many fucking times they like the fucking hockey version of the New York Yankees from the 1920s to the 50s where it was Ruth Garrick to DiMaggio to Mantle that's what they're doing in hockey i don't know this is my thing as long as the Montreal Canadians continue to suffer in the curse of Patrick Waugh you know and they know it's a curse that's why they try to make friends with them again because they realized after they booed him out of the city that he went to fucking Colorado and started winning them and they're like we don't need him but we are

blue blockade rouge right they didn't give a fuck now they give a fuck now all of a sudden they're asking them hey yeah you know we're kind of uh you know we're a little sorry it's fucking phenomenal and every year that goes by more month old Montreal Canadian fans die and less of them know what it's like to win a cup and i'm gonna tell you i fucking love it you know what i love about Montreal Canadian fans you know what they say to me now they bring up gila floor that's how far in the past that's how far in the past anything great happening between them and the Bruins are they go fucking ape shit when they beat us now in the regular season you understand they owned us gila floor fuck gila floor scored that goal before i even watched my first fucking hockey

game i don't know how old you people think i am that was like the late 70s i was too busy recovering from being hit by a car i didn't have to recover i got two days off from school i do remember that happened on a wednesday and the guy said all right you know what you didn't you shouldn't go to school thursday friday and i was fucking psyched going for once i don't have to fake sick and i sat there and i watched cartoons and i ate with a little spoon ate with a little spoon because the bumper hit me right on the side of the head i've done this before in the podcast put two fingers right on the side of your head right and then bite down on your molars your back teeth there you feel that thing that goes in and out that's right where i got hit so it hurt to chew so i had to

eat with a little spoon for two days and i couldn't go to school one of the greatest things ever happened to me this is cj7 i believe um big fucking guy getting out of it oh my god i hit him i hit him oh my god i totally fucking drove right into the guy i didn't look i thought i looked is another guy saying steak in a bj day uh um is spreading this had nothing to do with me had nothing to do nothing it's not mine it's somebody else's all right here we go last thing i'm going to read and that's going to mercifully be the end of this uh podcast bill thought this might interest you it's an article about divorce this guy's an illustrator tough road to hoe um i am two three years and still no settlement and the guy's broke as a result and has stopped producing work in hopes that the parasitic

x will give in once there's no cash flow oh and the guy is prodigiously good as a painter yeah you know i think i actually have faith in some of these divorce settlements that um i think in the near future there's going to be way more way more light shined on these things and uh eventually it's it's gonna it's gonna come around you know can't that be a uh i just i don't get that that shit where you can just it's it's just too one-sided where the one person could just live off the other person i've talked about all this shit a zillion fucking times haven't i you know that whole shit where uh the woman starts dating a new guy but she won't let the guy move in because her last guy made more money so then the two of them just

sit there living off the fucking first guy you know you don't think that's fucked up well i do um all right you know what people i tried i tried you know i did my best i tried tried to do a podcast um i think that's it sinkholes water damage hockey small towns eating like a cunt yeah i gotta stop doing that guys i've really let myself fucking uh it's weird i look good with a shirt on but with a shirt off it's not a uh it's not a good thing like my chest is 35 but my fucking now who the fuck is this is this gonna be another guy telling me and i got asbestos all right all right that's only gonna be 55 minutes this week people i apologize i'll give me an update next week you know what i owe you guys five minutes and you will get those five

next week okay that's the podcast for this week go fuck yourselves um i'll talk to you next week man with the cleaver