Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 3-12-12

Episode Date: March 12, 2012

Posted in PodcastPlay AudioBill rambles about KONY 2012, People with weak teeth, cock blocks and yells at some squirrels.

Choose your second hand car for Instinct or with your license. With the choice of a BMW with the BMW Premium Selection Certificate, let yourself be guided by both. Because its quality, it feels you. And that it is reliable, you know that. Above all, you now enjoy a 4-year warranty on your certified second hand car. BMW Premium Selection.

Trust your Instinct, follow your license. Information and information on bmw.be It's the Monday morning podcast for my fucking 12. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr. Sorry, I was just watching a lot of sports this weekend. And when you watch a lot of sports, you're gonna hear that song over and over again.

Oh my god, what is that song? Who wrote that? God, it's in my head. The Monday morning podcast for Monday, March 12th, 2012. And just to give you a heads up, we're about a month and three days away before you have to give all those cunts your money, right? That's just gonna go to the bank of cunts that nobody ever talks about.

They don't talk about it, do they? They went after Roger Clements, harder than they went after anybody at AIG. You realize that? Did you or did you not shoot steroids in your ass so you could throw the ball past that fucking guy? How can you not do the rat's ass about the whole thing? You know, I know more about that than I, you know, anybody else.

How come I don't have any AIG banker cards? Why don't I have some of those? Then you can tell me which one of them were the fucking cheaters. So how'd you guys do it this year? Did you have the money taken out early, so then you can get it back at the end of the year? Huh? Is that what you did? Dude, that's what I do.

I have, like, all the taxes taken out, and then in the end, I get money back because I'm too fucking irresponsible to take my money up front, because I know I'm gonna blow it, right? So what I do is I give the government an interest-free loan all year. That's my game plan in life.

People, have zero exempts, okay? Or whatever the fuck it is. Have the least amount of taxes taken out, all right? Just don't blow all your money. At least you can keep it in the fucking bank, and they'll give you a couple extra fucking quarters for it. Why give an interest-free loan? I know why, because you're young.

You're young. You wanna go out and get some pussy in a 12-pack. I hear ya. Keystone Light Kit. This is the Monday Morning Podcast from Monday, March 12th, 2012. I believe I said it a couple of times. I don't know why I feel like I have to keep reiterating.

A lot of shit to talk about this week. You know, I was on vacation. I didn't do shit. I probably put on a nice five pounds. You know, had a great breakfast burrito yesterday. Out in Glendale, California. Had a phenomenal breakfast burrito, a place that I had been hearing about,

and I kept asking the lovely Nia to go. But, you know, as life would have it, we were always too busy, right? So, she was doing a bunch of bullshit yesterday with her friends, and by bullshit, I mean, shooting a short film. Not bullshit, but... So, you know, she's shooting it here at the homestead,

so, you know, I'm gonna get the fuck out of here. So, called up a buddy of mine. We went over there, you know? A couple of twinkle toes. Getting a fucking burrito. Went over there, we had a great time. So, on the way back, I come, you know, dropped my buddy off or whatever.

And I mentioned to Nia, in between shots, I said, hey, you know, I finally checked out that breakfast burrito place. It was fucking delicious. You gotta go with the steak burrito. And she did the classic woman thing. You got one of those with help me? I thought we were gonna do that together.

We've been fucking planning it for six months, all right? Yes, I went over. I was hungry. I wanted one. I did something fun without you. Yes, I did. All right? What?

Cause I'm in a relationship. I'm only allowed to have fun when I'm with you. At some point, I have to break off. Right? Even the monkeys do that. You know, they hang out with the tribe every once in a while. You go off in the bush, you rub one out.

That's what the chimps do. So anyways, what happened this week? Peyton Manning, Mark Sanchez, right? That's what everybody's been talking about. I think everybody made the right move. You know? I think the Colts made the right move. What are they supposed to do?

They're supposed to hang on to Peyton Manning, a 36 year old guy. He's had four neck operations. This is the second time his neck got fused. Do you think it's going to get better? Do you think that it keeps going up from here? And I know what you cold fans are saying. Boy, he's going to get his 10 wins this year.

You're right. He is. And he's the shit. All right? But he's 36 fucking years old. All right? This is what sucks about sports and what's great about comedy.

What's great about comedy is I am seven years older than that fucking fused Frankenstein motherfucker, but I can continue to do stand up. I mean, he can't continue to do what he loves. Well, he can, but you know what I'm saying. In a couple of years, he won't be able to. So what I'm saying is you got this Andrew Luck kid, and I know he's not going to be Peyton Manning.

I'm not saying that. All right? But the Colts, just like the Patriots, at some point your guy is going to retire, and that is going to be a long 40-story fall and fucking you're going to splat on the ground. Or you can rip the Band-Aid off, get rid of the dude,

and maybe hit one of those little canopy things with an Andrew Luck before you fucking hit the sidewalk. All right? I think they did the right thing. I think it took a lot of bulls. And I don't know, for an entire year, there wasn't a doctor on the planet that would clear Peyton to play.

And then all of a sudden, right before he's due to sign this big $29 million thing, he finds two guys who go, guess what? Am I okay? I think at that point, the Colts had already made the decision, and they were moving on.

So I don't know. I think it was a ballsy move on their part. And I think in the short run, they'll look like more runs. But in the long run, I think it was a smart move. Because the Colts in 15, 20, 30 years are still going to be a franchise. And 15, 20, 30 fucking years,

Peyton Manning's going to be like 50, 60 years old. I can't do the math. 51. You know? What are you going to do? You've got to choose the franchise. And then the Mark Sanchez thing, I think it was great.

They signed the guy. It gives Sanchez a boost like, hey, these guys believe in me. But then they also got this backdoor thing. Where, hey, if you suck after next, not this season, but next season, we can walk. And we don't know you're the other half of the contract.

Hey, we gave it a shot. Go fuck yourself. So that's what I think. That is my belief. And Paul Versey. Paul Versey thinks that the Colts are the dumbest fucks ever. And that Peyton Manning is going to throw for nine million yards like he does every season for some other team

and then lose in the first round of the playoffs. If I was Peyton Manning, I would try to go to the 49ers. That's where I would try to go, even though they're not courting them. I would, I would be like, listen, give me a pay a play fucking contract. That's where I want to go.

I want to be protected so we don't have protection issues. And I want to fucking an awesome defense and a great fucking code. That would be perfect. Be fucking perfect. But instead, where's he going to go? Where's he going to go? You think he's going to go back to Tennessee?

I still got a lot of fringe down there. Right. What are the old Tennessee Titans? All right. Who gives a fuck? I just realized halfway through that fucking whole thing, I was so goddamn sick talking about it. You know, so I apologize.

Let's talk about the one thing that everybody showed me this whole fucking week was everybody's like, you got to check out this Coney 2012. It's about this dictator in Uganda who's, you know, got the boy soldiers over there. And he's just all these war crimes and everything. So like, all right, I got a bleeding heart. I'll watch this shit.

And I got to tell you something. I got about five minutes into that video and found the guy who made the documentary so fucking self-serving and annoying, I had to shut it off. At that point, when the Ugandan kid is crying because he saw his brother get killed in front of him, I mean, and then immediately he just cuts to,

now I'm going to sit down with my son and tell him, it's like, what the fuck are you doing? The whole thing is supposed to be about these Ugandan kids and this fucking guy starts the video off with his wife giving birth to his son. It takes you like three minutes before you even in Uganda. I'm sitting there like, I thought it was a documentary. You know what he did?

He did something like that big fat flounder there. What the fuck's his name? The guy there who tried to make Canada look like a utopia. Who's the guy there who never shaves and always has on a dirty ball cap because he's just like us. He's the working man. What's his name?

Huh? Bowling for Columbine guy. He does the same thing where he inserts himself into the documentary and just makes him look like he's the fucking, you know, I don't know, the goddamn grand poobah who has the whole fucking world figured out this guy did the exact same thing and annoyed the shit out of me.

It didn't change obviously how I feel about that warlord or any of the boy soldiers things, but I mean, it didn't teach me anything I didn't fucking already know. There was a rapper who came out who was actually a former boy soldier and I read this whole thing about him and he was saying like all these gangster rappers

who sit here and brag about killing somebody. He goes, that's not the way it is. He goes, if you take a life, you don't brag. He goes, it haunts you. It haunts you for the rest of your life. Something like that. I was just like, wow, I can't wait to hear this guy rap and then he's stunk.

It's fucking one of the big tragedies. He had the actual stories. He had the life experience. He had the pain and he just, he couldn't rap. It was very unfortunate. You know, it's kind of like me. I mean, I'm an amazing guy. I'm a good looking guy.

And you know, I just can't go to the beach. So that's why when you go to the Jersey Shore there's all those morons out there because everybody gets a gift. And if you can tan, one of the sacrifices is you don't get a personality in life. So then you go down to the beach and then that's all there is down there.

Oh, give me the fucking volleyball. That's all that's going on down there. Meanwhile, absolute saints like myself have to sit in the basement or the bottom floor of a dilapidated house that needs a new fucking roof, evidently. Ugh. I want to fucking, I want to go down to Home Depot

and I want to buy a hatchet. And I want to chop down my fucking garage. This fucking goddamn thing. I want to go for a Model T. Okay. And if you, I don't know if you notice the old cars. I mean, way old. That kind of old is, they were skinny.

You sat inside the fucking wheel wells. Like the tires, you know, you know what I mean? You know what I mean? By inside the wheel wells, you know what I'm saying? Like you sat shoulder to shoulder. Hey, let me tell you something. See, let's go down to the market and go get some flour. Right?

You'd be sitting shoulder to shoulder with another guy. What? Like five, three to five, six, and weighed 140 pounds. Why, I oughta, right? And you sat right next to each other. And then the fenders flared out and the fucking wheels were wider. That's what I'm saying.

You sat, like, you know what the fuck I'm saying. Oh, and by the way, fuck all you guys who think I'm a moron because I don't understand how planes fly. All right? We only figured out how to do it in the last hundred years. So you're telling me everybody before that was a fucking idiot? Right? That George Washington Carver who came up with peanut butter

and realized tomatoes weren't poisonous, you know? He didn't fucking oughta get off the ground, did he? You're telling me? Eli Whitney with the cotton gin? I didn't see him flying around. All right? I have a very poor science background. And I fucking really sat there and tried to understand

the amount of shit that I actually learned this week, really sitting there trying to read up on how a plane stays up. I mean, I had to go back to, like, the fountain of youth of science. Like, everything was just like, well, air pressure. I'm like, what is air pressure? I don't even understand. I don't even get it, you know? And I actually watched some interesting experiments.

One where a guy held a flame underneath a coke can and he heated up the fucking air, which caused it to expand. Right? Thus, less air was taking up more space or some shit and then he dunked it in some cold water and then immediately the fucking can crushed. And I had to watch that experiment three times to understand what the fuck was going on.

That basically he cooled off the air inside, which caused a vacuum. And before the air could rush into the can, the pressure from the fucking air on the outside crushed the can. See that? I didn't know that last week. And you guys are awful fucking people, you know? When you have dumb kids someday, that's how you're going to handle them.

You're going to say all those mean things that you said about me. Me, a fucking saint, who comes on every week and does a free goddamn podcast that has nothing but positivity for all groups, especially women. You know? You guys need to sit down and take a long fucking look at yourselves. Because I got to tell you something right now. I was really disappointed in a lot of you.

You know, I did the other day. I was walking my dog, right? And we went around the corner about and I was so fucking tired. You know, I went to grab the headphones, these shit headphones that I use when I do the podcast. And they're already big enough. All right. And I already look stupid.

I look like a fucking, you know, person who's trying to get attention. But the reality is, is I'm just too lazy to go to Best Buy. I see it. I'm driving by. And it's like, I know I need headphones. I have the money to get headphones. But just the thought of pulling into the parking lot, trying to find a fucking parking spot, getting behind that person

who's waiting for that person who's, you think's going to leave and then isn't leaving, going into the fucking store, trying to fucking find it, and having that douche in the blue shirt. Oh, you want to get a flat screen? No, I don't. I want some headphones. Oh, I'm not in the headphones department, man.

I don't know where that is. I didn't want to deal with it. So anyways, so I fucking came down here half asleep. My dog's going crazy, right? Wants to go outside whenever it sees me get up. It goes nuts because it knows what's going to happen. We're going on this fucking awesome hike. So I ended up grabbing, I grabbed these Vic Firth headphones,

which are for drumming, which you can wear in it. They like block out the sound of, you know, how loud drums are. And I got to take a picture of them with them on my head. How fucking stupid I look. I was wondering why they seemed so heavy. I was half asleep walking down the street. And then I saw my shadow on the ground. They look like those, you know, those old guys who go to baseball games

and they have like the antenna and that keep and score. They're like twice as big as those fucking things. And I look like an asshole and I know everybody driving by thought I was being doing that hipster thing where I was like deliberately dressing like a douche just to get attention to be like, oh no, what? These are from 1974. What year is this?

I wasn't. I was actually embarrassed. And then I was going to take them off and then I was like, wait a minute, that's even worse. I was legitimate fuck up. And now you're going to take them off because you're worried what people are doing as they drive by you. You know, because they're going to make a comment as they drive by Bill and then what?

After they drive by you, they get on with their fucking lives. What is wrong with you? So I left them on and that's that story. Oh, it's been a slow week when you're on vacation. He doesn't have anything to talk about. All right, let's get to let's get some advertising for this week. All right, and fuck you to anybody who doesn't like this. All right, that's why the podcast is free.

All right, stamps.com everybody. I've been telling you about this for weeks. All right, and this has been one of the very successful ad campaigns here on the Monday morning podcast. Oh, let's do it again, everybody. You guys can probably do this one word for word with me. Do you like going to the podcast? Do you like going to the post office?

No. Do you like standing behind old people sending cookies that are already stale to grandsons who aren't going to eat them? No. Do you like standing behind somebody who's putting together 12 boxes as they slowly inch their little caravan forward as all you want to do is just stand there and try and buy some stamps? Of course you don't.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if you could handle all of that stuff in your own home at any hour of the night, clothed or unclothed? Wouldn't that be amazing? Well, thank God for stamps.com. All you need is a computer and a printer, and you can use stamps.com whenever you need it, however you want to do it. All right, you can be watching Goodfellas and printing out stamps all at the same time. Naked while eating a coffee cake.

However you want to do it, people, this still is America. The post office may be closed, but stamps.com is always open. All right, here's the endorsement. Take it from me pointing at my chest with my thumb. You can do everything you can do at the post office with stamps.com. Yeah, you can do everything except go on a shooting spree. You can do that in your house, but you're just going to kill people you love. Special offer right now, stamps.com has a special offer from my listeners

pointing at my chest once again. Use my last name, Burr, B-U-R-R, for a no risk trial. You get $110 bonus offer that includes a digital scale and $55 of free post. Digital scale is my favorite thing. I send out all my DVDs using that every once in a while. I put me in a bear hug and I tell her I'm going to wear and I make her sit on it and she giggles and then we have a fun time after that. Oh, here's the call to action.

Don't wait, act now. Go to stamps.com before you do anything else. I don't care if your baby's crying. Click on the radio microphone at the top of the homepage and you type in Burr. B-U-R-R, that stamps.com enter Burr. B-U-R-R, $110 bonus offer that includes a digital scale and $55 of free postage. Okay, I don't know what else you guys need from me. You know, probably a little more funny.

I've been hooking you guys up with everything. You listen, because of this podcast, you don't have to go to the post office anymore. Because of this podcast, if you play pickup hockey, you don't have to get slammed in the foot with a puck anymore, do you? Why? Because of SkateFender.com. Skate Fender, you got to use this. I actually, last week, for the first time, I played in a game. And I got to tell you, I had not played hockey on the ice or ice hockey, as some people call it.

I had not played hockey since January because I was afraid, Murphy's Law, that if I was going to get hurt, it was going to be right before my special. So I was a healthy scratch for the last, like, six weeks, and I finally played. And I didn't even notice that I had them on. And actually, there was actually a couple of people I played with going, oh, yeah, I want to get those and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I was psyched. I thought they were going to call me a pussy for wearing them, but they didn't.

But anyways, if you go to SkateFender.com and use the promotional code, billburr, all lowercase, you get $5 off of them. And it's a great thing, you know? Do you like your feet? Sure, we all do. Wouldn't it be nice to not take a pocket 80, 85 miles an hour to the side of your foot when you have to go in and make a big presentation the next day? I mean, it's all up to you people.

If you want to have to put on a loafer that you have to have a custom zipper up the side, because you wanted to be some shot block and douche without any protection, that's up to you. All right? But if you really love your feet and your children, you'll get some SkateFenders. And until then, until you do, I don't want you even talking to me. All right. What the hell am I doing here? Let's get back to the podcast here.

Oh, somebody said, Bill, where do you think Peyton Manning is going to play? I have no idea. My gut would say he wants to go back to Tennessee. Just a good old boy, never meaning no harm, got a rectangle head and a funny way of talking Why is his forehead so big? I think he's got their forehead. You know, I have a big forehead. They have like a swollen forehead.

I think Archie, every time Eli and Peyton made a bad pass or made a mental error in the backyard, he can't took off his belt, you know, had the buckle in his hand. Let's be fair. And he is right in the front of their fucking forehead. And then they will be dead. I got to put some ice on it. And he goes, you're not putting ice on that till you make that throw 20 more times than the sun would go down. And by the time they put ice on it, it didn't matter.

That's why their heads are just like that to this day. That's all true people. I don't know what else to tell you. Oh my God, is this going to be one of these podcasts? I really, I can't do podcasts when I fucking I'm on vacation because I don't do anything. You know, I was watching the Bruins lose to the penguins yesterday. I watched the Celtics lose to the Lakers. I got to tell you this right now.

Danny Ainge, you know, I don't think I don't, I don't like what he's doing. I just don't like what he's doing with the team. I think he got lucky. I think Kevin McHale hooked him up. But as each year goes by and the Celtics somehow keep getting older. Every time I see them, they're older. Every year goes by every trade deadline. Somehow not only do we not get younger, not only do we not stay the same, we get fucking older.

I told you, you ever seen somebody knee pad, elbow pads and those stretchy sleeves in your life? I don't know. I think Danny Ainge is white Isaiah. He just got lucky. You know, he got, he got that one ring. So now no one's going to like question him. Kind of like Peyton Manning, you know, he got that one ring. And then all of a sudden everybody ignores that, you know, he puts up nine million yards in the, in the, during the regular season

and then loses in the first round of the playoffs every goddamn year. You know what I mean? That's what I'm talking about. Yeah, I just, I don't get it. The Bruins, I'm not worried about. Bruins were, you know, I don't know, had some injuries and that type of stuff. But what I love about them and the Celtics is they don't quit. And I thought we wouldn't get killed by the Lakers yesterday.

I don't know. And I missed, actually missed the first two periods of the Bruins game because I had the center ice package and I put it on and I couldn't find the game. And I was like, am I out of my mind? I thought they were playing today and I didn't realize it was at the NBC game. So then I went out on my mandate and I got a breakfast burrito. And then I got a, I got a text message from a Pittsburgh Penguins fan going, you watching this game, which I know what that means. It means, are you watching us kick your ass? Because, you know, if we were up four to one, I wouldn't have got a text.

Would I Billy Gardell? Huh? Look at me dropping a name. Um, anyways, I don't know. I think the Bruins are going to be okay, but the Celtics, as long as the Lakers don't win, as long as the Lakers don't win. And then continue to claim that none will say they have 17 championships, as long as they don't have to endure that. Uh, I don't know, but it's, it's inevitable. It's inevitable the Lakers are going to win what they consider their 17th, which is really their 16th NBA championship before the Celtics get their 18th, just because they're just a better franchise.

They're a better franchise and people want to go play for them. Dwight Howard is, is like dying to play for him. You know what kills me about that is because he wants to focus on his movie career. You know, who wants to see a fucking seven foot love interest? You know what I mean? What are you going to be an action hero with your fucking head coming out of the sunroof of the car? I mean, you're seven feet fucking tall. Wait for him to do another cone in the barbarian movie and you can fly in from Orlando during the off season and do it then.

Focus on your movie career. Why don't you focus on having some sort of fucking baseline move? If you had one of those, you could have already had a ring instead of letting Pau Gasol eat you up. Fucking guy is made out of, he's like, I don't want to, his, his mom breathed with, was that a squirrel? I thought that was a fox. Hang on a second, get the fuck out of here. Hey, hey, get your fucking lunch somewhere else, buddy. I don't like squirrels.

I know a lot of people like squirrels because they water ski on the news, but I'm not one of those guys, alright? They don't fool me with their, their fucking, their cute rats. Hey! Get out of there! Come on! Scrap! Beat it, you fucking fuzzy tailed. Um.

I don't like them. I'm not a big fan of the squirrels. I don't, I don't like, I don't like things with creepy little fucking hands. I don't like raccoons. I don't like, I don't like squirrels. I don't like them. I don't like how they sit up and eat and they sit, sit there staring at you, like they're sizing you up or something. You know?

And you're like, wait, you got a fucking problem? You know? Then they stop chewing and just sort of stare at you. Yeah, you, you're fucking looking at me. I'm sitting here, you're fucking looking at me. You know? And then you make a step and then they do that, you know, little fucking, I'm gonna run and then they fucking take off. They're bitches.

You know? Instigators. Squirrels are instigators. I don't appreciate them. Um. And that's all I have to say about that. Oh, this is just one of these start, stop, start, stop fucking podcasts. Uh, dental hygiene.

Hey, Bill. Oh, Jesus. I wanted some advice on dental hygiene. I listened to an, I listened to an older podcast, uh, an older episode of the podcast and you were talking about how you were a dental assistant and talking about people's teeth. I brush, I brush every day in the morning and use an electric toothbrush, but is that enough? I noticed that it's harder to brush the backs of my, my backs, my the backs of my teeth. There you go. Way to proofread.

Uh, then the front, do you have a routine? What are the secrets to having good teeth? I never understood this. All my, all my fucking time in a dental office. I never understood why people had such fucking difficulty brushing their goddamn teeth. Do I have any tips? Yeah. Brush him in the morning and brush him at night before you go to bed.

Use floss. Electric toothbrush is great because, uh, you know, if you brush too hard, you're going to brush away some, some of your gum line and that could lead to some sort of periodontal disease. Look at me. Huh. It's light. I understand this shit. So, uh, and if you don't want to use an electric toothbrush, then I suggest you use one of those soft bristled ones if your brush really had. But, uh, yeah, you fucking go twice a day and then you floss every day and then you fucking get your teeth cleaned every six months.

If you do that, you should be fine unless you're just genetically compromised and you just have bad teeth. At which point, you shouldn't get upset. What you should do is rejoice that you live in this era where you can be that weak of a human being and part of this species and still somehow survive and be allowed to continue breeding. Because nature doesn't like people like you. Nature doesn't like people like you who are weak in the teeth, tufus area. All right. Back in the day, all your teeth would have fell out and you wouldn't have been able to eat and then you would have gradually starved to death. And you know what?

No one would have cared because they would have been in that little wigwam under 40 blankets because it was cold outside. And that's why the water was fresh and the air was clean back then. All right. It has nothing to do with the industrial revolution. It has to do with the fact that people with weak teeth are allowed to continue living. All right. And until we fucking sit down and just address the fact that weak people should not survive. We are going to get weaker as a species.

You know, and I'm including myself. I shouldn't be here. The amount of time somebody has tried to explain to me how a fucking airplane gets off the ground. Like what am I contributing? I gotta be honest with you people. I've done the whole fucking, I went down the rabbit hole. I read all that conspiracy theory and all that bullshit. And I was like these motherfucking bankers, these motherfucking Illuminati and all this bullshit.

And at the end of the day, now that I've traveled and I've met all these different fucking people, I get it. I understand the Illuminati. I understand why they want to go down to 500,000 people. 500 million people. You can't fucking have too many people. The world is, can't sustain it. And most people are shitheads. So if you have 500 million, you know, that basically means you and all your friends are going to survive.

And then you'll have plenty of people to sweep up the driveway. And beyond that, what else do you need? You know, I challenge you. Go into a Walmart and find a soul worth saving. I get it. Like I totally understand the Illuminati and they're the best of the best. They're running shit. And one day they're going to bring the hammer down and there's not a fucking thing you can do about it.

But you know what? You know what's cool is when they kill you is you get to go on to the next shit. You know, which is either nothing or something. Right? What do you think happens when you die? You know what I think it is? You ever meditate and you get like that tingly feeling and you just start floating like right up out your body. You ever do that shit?

I think that's what it is. You just floating around all tingly. You know, levitating above shit. It doesn't even make sense, does it? What, forever? What the fuck are you going to do forever? And then you go to heaven forever, really? Name something you want to do forever.

You know, other than obvious shit, like be healthy and that type of stuff. I mean, wouldn't it get boring after a while? Wouldn't you then like, you know, take little trips down to hell like you're going to Tijuana? You know, for the weekend, go down there, you know, get a couple lap dances from all those whores that God didn't want to save. Alright, then go back up to heaven. Wouldn't you have to do something at some point? Can you just imagine? Like, don't you hate when you go to church and everybody's all fucking happy and smiley and saying how blessed they are?

And behind them you go, dude, you're jerking off the porn. You see it. You know it. You know, there's that other side. It's the balance, the ying and the fucking yang, you know? It's like, I don't know what, I don't know, I don't know. It's like, it's a man and a woman fucking, you know, a cheeseburger and a biscuit. Right?

You know what? I got to tell you something. I was eating a lot of salads this week. Alright. And I got to give something up to the old vegans there. Just as far as like, you know, some people like, you know, there's, you need to eat meat and that type of shit. And then you got other people going, we were never meant to eat meat. Our teeth are like horses.

They're straight across. So we should be eating leafy greens. It beads. I got to tell you something, man. I think vegans are right on some level. Just hear me out. You go out and you go get a big steak dinner with some potatoes and you go down there. You go down there.

You go fucking eat like John Wayne. Lee Marvin. You go down there. Okay. In the next morning. Okay. When you're sitting there fucking grabbing the bottom of the bowl underneath, you're trying to get that stuff to come out of you. All right.

You fucking go out and get yourself a vegan lunch. If you just did that once a day and then ate like John Wayne, I think you'd be fine because I'm telling you. I don't give a fuck what you eat the rest of the day. If you go down and you get one of those fucking yoga pant breakfasts. All right. One of those things that you have. You have a yoga mat in the back of your chair. You know.

And when people say things to you. The way you emotionally react is you open your eyes wider. You know. Did you know they're having a bake sale down the street and you just go with your fucking eyes. I'm telling you the next day like. There's no there's no problems. You just wake up and. That train's coming through.

Fuck. I couldn't think of a good song to be singing moon river. It's fucking it's ridiculous. So that's there's got to be something to it. And I know what you're thinking. Bill, you can still eat a steak, but you know, you have a sale with a potato because when you have potato red meat, all the stache is what makes it not just shut the fuck up. You know what I'm saying.

Dude, I eat like those vegan at those places. And like when I leave, I feel amazing. Like I'm floating out of there. I'm energized. You know, yet relaxed. I go down to a steak fucking place. All right. And you still feel good when you walk out of there, but it's more like, you know, you walk

on out of there holding on to the banisters, you're walking down the stairs. I was actually talking to somebody yesterday on my mandate and, you know, we were sitting there drinking, eating fucking wings and shit. Like, well, I don't even know what the fuck we were watching at that point. Because this stupid shoot took all day long. No, sorry, the shoot that I totally respect. Took all day long. And I was just sitting there, you know, I was talking to him, you know, because I've

never had a shot of that Johnny Walker blue, you know, and I walked into a liquor store yesterday. See how much a bottle was. It was like 200 bucks. It's like, I'll go fuck yourself. But I still want it. Right. And we were just sitting there talking about that shit.

And I was just like, you know, something I just realized that was really depressing. It's like, you know, it's like, you know, it's like, you know, it's like, you know, I just realized that was really depressing. It's like everything I really enjoy kills you. You know, steak, whiskey, cigars, my fucking truck's killing me. You know, I got damn exhaust. I got to warm it up because of the cabin radar. Right.

And I have it in my garage. And I got to wait till it like gets all warmed up so I can drive up my fucking stupid driveway. That's at a fucking 90 degree angle. It was designed for someone to drive a go cart down. Like everything I fucking like. So I need to eat more leafy greens people. That's what I'm saying. I take, you know, something if you if you get a good one, it's just like anything else

because there's bad steak places, you know, those steak places where if you have to put any sort of like, you know, steak sauce on a on a steak, like that person doesn't know you know what I mean? That's one of the biggest insults you can do if you go to a steak place and they put the steak in front of you, you have a couple of bites and you go, hey, can I have some a one sauce, which I swear to God is like cologne with a little mesquite in it. I don't understand fucking a one steak sauce that is the worst sauce. I mean, how could it be good?

How could a mass produced steak sauce be good? That's like you start doing that. You have like a fucking that's when you just have some giant, I don't know what that of the ingredients, you know, you got like a dump truck comes in to pour all the sugar in and just you can't fucking do it. You need a little old lady making it, you know, in a little pot and then sticking it in a jar and selling it out of the back of her fucking rusted out corvair or something, right?

What am I talking about? I'm talking about steak sauce. Everybody I'm trying to say how I want to fucking I want to eat better. That's what I want to do. You know what's great about eating like that too is then you don't have to go to the gym as much. You can do you do push-ups, couple of pull-ups and you're ripped. You don't have to fucking go down to the goddamn gym and work off.

Whatever. Shut up, Bill. All right, summer plans. Bill, summer is around the corner. Do you have any special plans with the lady? Um, I have a couple of plans this year and neither involve my woman. One, one of my on my bucket list is I want to go to the Galapagos Islands and I've decided that I'm fucking going.

I don't know when but I found someone who knows a bunch of shit about animals so I can go there and not have to worry if a Komodo dragon charges me. I want to do that. Other than that, what are my special plans? Oh yeah, I actually do have some special plans but I'm not going to tell you what they are. You know, you fucking weirdo. I'm going to tell you where I'm going. Um, yeah, Galapagos Islands at some point.

Go down there and wait for me. All right, chick advice. Hey Bill, I'm 25 and I've been listening to your podcast for a year now and I really enjoy it. I want to get your advice on my current situation. I could have assumed all of that because I'm arrogant and why else would you write in? Okay, after a lot of failed relationships, I wanted to try a new approach of meeting women. I met a 21 year old girl through my sister-in-law and figured she was interesting and pretty

enough to consider for a serious girlfriend. We started hanging out as friends so I could be sure that I was in fact able to be friends with her before I made a move to something more seriously. More serious, sorry. Things have been going well for the last two months and we get together a couple of times a week to hang out and do stuff. Last week, I finally decided that I wanted to make my move on her. I was saying goodbye to her after hanging out and I finally moved in for a kiss and she

backed away. It got really awkward after that and she kind of said, oh, I have to go. About 10 minutes later, I got a text from her saying, sorry for backing away, but I don't want to ruin our friendship. Oh, dude, you fucking waited too long. I would go watch that Chris Rock special where he does the friend zone. Anyways, he says, what the hell do I do now? She's always been very flirty with me the entire time we've been hanging out.

Oh, wait, she's been flirty with you? Oh, fuck her. She works at an all girls camp during the summer and she always hangs out with me in her days off. So I know there isn't anyone else she's seeing. All right, first of all, scratch that. All right, you have no idea. How does that expression go?

You know, only the devil knows the secrets in a woman's heart. Isn't that how it goes? Something like that. Don't ever fucking, you have no, I don't give a fuck. Okay, you could have a woman in a goddamn cell. You still have no idea what the fuck they're doing. They're sorcerers. Anyways, am I to believe she is so naive to think that we were just hanging out as total

platonic friends? The only reason I could think why she would do that is because I am agnostic and she is a semi-religious girl. What do you think I should do? You know what you should do? Fucking walk. Robert De Niro in heat. Just walk away.

All right? Just walk away. This is what you do. All right? This girl's being all flirty with you and all that type of shit. She get you dick hard. You're trying to be a gentleman. You don't try to fucking finger blast her on the first date because you think she's special.

All right? So three days after flying kites and going on picnics, you go in for a kiss. She pulls off, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. You might have ruined the friendship. Give me a fucking break. She knows what the fuck she's doing. All right? This is the best thing that you can do when a woman does something like that that makes you want to go out and eat fucking sheet metal.

Is you don't, you don't give them the emotion that they want, which is she, they want you to be upset. And I don't, I don't know, I don't know why. I've no, I don't know fucking why, but she wants you to be upset. So this is what you do. Okay? You just say, oh yeah, hey, I didn't know what I was doing. That's cool. That's cool.

Whatever. All right? Be friends. And be like, yeah, absolutely. We can totally be friends. All right? So don't try to fucking bang her anymore. Don't blow her off so she has no idea what you're doing.

Just keep hanging out with her, whatever, doing this and that. And then what you do, just start fucking working out. You get jacked. All right? And then on the side, you start talking to other brats. And then one day you show up with a fucking goddamn hickey on the side of your neck. You know? And then you fucking just don't even address it.

I said, ah, you know, I was hanging out with some girl last night. So what are you doing today? And you just, you just, you mind fuck her right back. You fight fire with fire. That's what you do. Get on with your life, sir. Fuck her. That's it.

All right? That's it. That's, that's what I feel. My solution is always the same. Okay? Is whenever a girl does some shit like that. All right? If a girl breaks up with you or anything like that.

And if a girl still wants to be friends with you after she broke up with you, don't. All right? You get the fuck away from her. Hurt locker. Okay? Put on your bomb suit and fucking walk away. Don't be the, don't be the hero. You fucking walk away because they just want to keep you in their life as they slowly get

over you and just constantly be taking a steak knife and shoving it into your heart. Fuck that. All right? There's, there's no point being around this girl. So right now this girl just tried to mind fuck you. So if you do, automatically just cut off being around her, she's going to win on some level. And she'll actually get some sort of level of satisfaction that you reacted that way. Cause, cause even though you think you're saying fuck you, what you're really saying is I

actually cared about you and that's going to feed her goddamn ego. So don't do that. So just be like, yeah, I don't know what I was thinking. You know? Yeah, you can't, you can't, you can't blame a guy for trying. That'll annoy her like she's just some piece of meat you took a swing at. This is such terrible fucking advice, but you know what? I believe in it.

This is how I've lived my life. If you want to end up like me, 43 not married, no kids. That's how you do it. You know, I was actually thinking of maybe adopting one of those Ugandan kids. It's a perfect fucking thing. You can do something beyond that douchebag who made the movie is you can actually help one of those kids. The kids are already 12 years old.

All right. Then you only have to be a parent for six fucking years and then he graduates high school. All right, man. Have at it. Good luck to you. See you at Christmas. Don't do any drugs. You know?

Then I can catch right up to all these other parents. I have a 13 year old. Oh, I have a 12 year old. Yes, I do. Got three of them. I got three of them. I don't even need a pit bull anymore. These motherfuckers can load and unload a gun with their eyes closed.

That's fucking mean. But it is what it is. What the fuck did I go from that from that goddamn broad? Yeah, so forget that. Forget that girl. All right. I don't know. Yeah, just whatever.

She wants to hang out. Yeah. Let's hang out and don't be weird around her. Don't be weird. Hey, sorry about that. I don't know. I was an idiot or whatever. That's what you do.

That's what you do. All right. Then what you do is start talking about some other girl. Wait a couple of weeks and just say, Hey, you know, I kind of met this girl. I kind of like her and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You know, this is this is a fucking. This is the old hook and lateral play. I don't know if this will work.

This is definitely a Hail Mary. But maybe if you fucking start saying, Hey, and I met this girl. I kind of fucking like her. You show up with the hickey on your neck. I don't know what happens. There's spinal cord muscles, the spinal cord muscles, the muscles around their spinal cord get fucking, they get weak. You know, and all of a sudden they just fall face first into your lap.

Sometimes that happens, you know, but you're not going to know unless you try it. All right. Don't be Chris Weber and be looking to pass the fucking ball here. You want to take the shot. You understand me? So that's what you do. Sometimes I say this shit and I step outside of myself and I just realize what a fucking moron I sound like.

But I don't know for some reason you guys listen to this shit. So whatever. Good luck to you. I just tapped out of that one. What is it? 47 minutes in. 27 goddamn. What is it?

Two in the afternoon. There's daylight savings. Like we're a bunch of goddamn farmers and we have to get up early for the crops. Is that what it's all about? Oh, last week, by the way, I went out and I did some investigative reporting on the, not reporting investigative cell phone pics of the, uh, the Colonel Sanders sign. And this is what I found. Uh, the one in Korea town, Colonel Sanders definitely looked a little more Asian than

he does the usual plantation owner. Oh, right. And, um, so I was convinced I was like, God damn on, you know, Nia was right, but somebody else wrote in and said, Bill, I've always thought that the, that the Colonel Sanders looked Asian. I think the older logo for KFC has a more ethnic looking. I, what, what is, I don't understand. What is ethnic?

Does that just mean non-white? Am I not ethnic? I don't fucking understand that. Oh, I guess cause I'm mixed. Is that what it is? I'm just a mutt. Uh, but so are African Americans, right? They're all mixed in, right?

It's an entire continent of people all mixed together the same way all as European whiteys are. None of it makes sense. Anyways, I think the older logo for KFC has a more ethnic looking Colonel and the newer ones don't. So maybe the one you and Nia see sometimes just happens to be an older sign. Here's the older one. And he shows the one, the one that's hanging in Korea town and he goes, here's the newer

one. And that's the one I see everywhere else. But don't think it's kind of weird though that they leave the, uh, the one that kind of looked Asian to evidently mean a lot of other people that they leave it in Korea town. I don't think it's bad. You know, I don't know. You know what? I'm going to put the, uh, I'm going to put both pictures up this week on the, uh, on

the podcast page and I'll let you guys decide how about that? There's, there's your interactive, uh, web moment of the week. You know, if you actually go to my podcast, by the way, let's all go to billburr.com right now. Okay. Get off the treadmill. Parachute out of your flight. And let's go to Amazon.com.

And if you, uh, go there, like me, evidently the fucking, why won't this load? All right. I got Amazon.com. Uh, I got a window right underneath the iTunes, a banner, the black one. That's the USA one. And then I just added two more, one for Canada and one for UK. Um, and basically if you'd like to donate money to the podcast and the wounded warriors project, this is the, I think this is the best thing we're doing here is anytime you're

going to buy something on Amazon.com. I'm not saying you got to buy anything. If you're going to buy something off of Amazon.com, just go to billburr.com first, click on the podcast page and if you're in the United States, that first one right next to the left of the stamps.com banner, uh, the black one, you just click on that and go and go buy something and they'll give me a little kickback and then I take 10% of the kickback and I give it to the wounded warriors project. Um, and, uh, for Canada and England, I don't know what charities yet.

Why don't you let me know. Tell me something over there that you want me to give it to, give me some suggestions. If it sounds like something that is legit, I'll kick some, uh, I'll kick some pounds and some Maple Leafs over to whatever the fuck you're doing. How's that? Does that work? Well, that's great. Is that the podcast for this week?

Am I all, am I all out of, uh, I'm all out of material? Oh my God. So I got a wing the rest of this shit. What else did I do? You want to know what I've been doing? You probably want to know, hey Bill, what is a guy who fucks off for a living dude when he's on vacation? Um, you know what I've been doing?

I've actually been working on 30 second note fills on the, on the drums. It's just something I've never been able to do unless they're just lame right left, right left, dig into, dig into, dig into, dig into, dig into, dig into, dig into, get banged. You know, but that shit where you start fuckin breaking it up between the hands and the feet and then there's sort of odd groupings, like groupings of five you know what I mean? So when it, when it, when it starts to repeat, it just gets like all, it almost sounds like you're playing a different time signature and you somehow come out on the one. I've been actually working on that.

And I know this is unbelievably excruciatingly boring to everybody else on the podcast, but that's what I've been working on. I've been working on two ones that I got off of a fucking YouTube this week and I've just decided that like when I work on shit, like in my standup act where I just go, I'm just going to work on this and bomb with this until I come out the other fucking side. I've decided that I'm going to do that with these two different fills because I'm sick of not knowing how to do it. I'm sick of hearing it in my head and then be sitting down at a drum kit and not being

able to fucking do it. And I don't know why this is important to me. I don't play in a band. You know, TRL doesn't exist anymore. So I don't know where I feel like I'm going to go with this. But yeah, that's what the fuck I'm doing. I just do that. I've drank like every day.

Not a lot. I just have like one. I sit down. I'm becoming that guy. I sit down and I pour myself a glass of scotch at the end of the fucking night. That's what I do. And I sit down and you know what's funny is like that's like the original night quill though is if you have a scotch in the middle of the day like I did yesterday, you're watching

the Bruins, right? And they were losing and shit. And I asked somebody, you want a beer? He's like, nah, you know, not really. And I was he goes, why are you going to drink? I was like, yeah. And he was like, yeah, you know, one of those deals takes you that much to fucking convince somebody to drink.

And we both had one. And the only reason why I didn't just nod off and do an old man nap immediately afterwards is because he was sitting there and we would laugh and about it later. I was going, dude, I was like fucking half a second away from just. Just sleeping for three straight hours. And my buddy actually told me because he was sitting the other side of the room and didn't see he actually nodded off for a couple of fucking minutes. That's something, you know, that's the dumbest thing that I do is, you know, I fight that

old man afternoon nap. I fight it. I don't know why I do. There was a period in my early thirties when I was still living with Robert Kelly. I got into the zone with the old man naps when we were living together and he would be talking to me and we'd be right in the middle of a conversation and I just look at him and I would stand up and I'd walk into my bedroom and just go to sleep and he would just start fucking laughing.

And then within five seconds he was asleep like fucking two old dogs just passed the fuck out like we left the gas on in the stove and then you just wake up like 45 minutes later and I remember one time Bobby going like dude you call those naps like fucking I don't know any like like clockwork and you felt like a million bucks and for some reason I haven't been able to do that since I always fight them and then when I try and lay down and do it I got too much shit going on in my head now it's like that meditating shit I used to be able to do it I used to be able to do it and I could feel and I'd float right out of the room and it was fucking awesome and now what happens is right as I'm going

to that zone this voice in my head was like okay here it comes it's gonna happen yeah and then it all goes away and then it becomes frustrating and then I'm meditating and I'm angry oh fuck you know what that reminds me of I have I have a I don't know I have the cock blocks all been defined like the different kind of cock blocks I don't know if there's names from but I got a new I got a new cock block for you this this cock block is very special and a very obvious one and I think like this happens all the time but for some reason I've never heard anybody name it so I'm gonna I'm gonna kick off the creative process I call this guy the announcer that's the that's that's the name of this cock block

this is what happened to me I was I did a gig in Jersey and at the end of the night these two girls who waited to be at the back of the line came up and they said hey you want to go out and get banana pancakes you know making a reference to my jokes saying if I wanted to go out and hang out with both of them right and the second they said it I was like holy shit here's a fucking here's something I never had here's a two on one and I can't fucking do it because I'm with Nia who's kidding no cool not because I'm with Nia's because everybody's got a cell phone fucking camera and I get caught on a stay um no I couldn't deal with the guilt um I gotta be honest with you and I would say this if Nia was here if

two fucking 10s came up to me and said let's do this I you know yeah fuck it let's do it I never did it you know fuck it so anyways so they said hey you want to get out you want to go on get bananas and pancakes or something like that and then this fucking guy like ten feet away way just goes like oh what's going on over here you know those guys like if a girl just comes up to you just like you know you know I've always loved guys in green shirts and you think and raise your thinking like holy fuck this is gonna happen there's some other guy like five a and just makes the whole fire the whole fucking room look over at you the fucking announcer fucking cock block motherfucker you know who would do that

if I was standing there and heard two girls say it to a guy be like god damn it's going down right side of my mouth that lucky motherfucker I wouldn't be why would you do that the fucking announcer and if you have a friend like that alright the only way you can still hang out with him is if he goes out if you guys are going out trying to meet women he has to wear one of those old ABC bright yellow Monday night football sport coats and if the girls why is he wearing that you'll see you'll see and that'll be the that would be the funniest fucking thing ever like if somehow if he couldn't figure out the joke and he just thought the coat looked good and just the whole night you just saw him anytime you heard all in

the you know ten feet away in the bar and you just look over and you see this guy dressed like Howard Cosell you'll be like oh that's the announcer he's the he's the he's the guy he can cock block from like he's almost like a sniper he wasn't so fucking loud he's at the same distance as a fucking marksman but he kills it with with loudness oh my god did that guy fucking annoy me hey come here come here she just came in shaking her head what I am beyond come on over here I was just telling that story with that guy cock block me with those two chicks out in Jersey when they were just going cock blocked you I told you this story no but you're making it seem like you were going to do something and no no I wasn't

going to do something this is the thing but I just admitted general cock blocking yeah but this is what I did admit if they were both tens I would have I would have I would have done it I never had a fucking two on one and you know something would you be that mad if they were both smoking hot in the cell phone video got out the video doesn't even need to get out when you got the announcer they the guy he just literally goes like yeah we'd like to get bananas and pancakes is you and he said something like nothing why am I a jerk silk pajamas huh you are talking about cock blocking and two on one so kind of podcast that's turning into you know what it's turning into a very honest podcast I was

very honest I said this is the thing I said I couldn't I couldn't deal with the guilt unless if they unless they were both tens if they're both fucking tens give me a break let me tell you something if you hooked up with Brad Pitt there's only so mad I could get it's fucking Brad Pitt okay yeah okay well you know what that would that if I just if I just said some generic good looking guy if I just said some generic good looking guy and you and you just said that that would have scared me but the way you just acted like you had Brad Pitt's phone number that doesn't scare me oh really okay it's going down what if it's the like the regular guy version of Brad Pitt is that okay like he's just if you want to go live

out on the street and get the fuck out of this house absolutely but you're allowed to have some sort of crazy two on one yes that's bullshit no it isn't if you just you know because you're you're thinking on it on like like a very basic level but if you really but you really think about it just think about it it makes sense Bill you're not going to try to mind fuck me into thinking that it's okay for you to have some sort of two on one and I can't that's not no it's not going down like that yeah but women are beautiful we lost after you it totally makes sense you guys find like dicks are weird they're gross it's all hanging out there it's disgusting you don't want that you know nothing about you don't want that

which has been proven time and time and again and you're stand up and in your podcast but that's a that's another discussion you know what you you just set yourself up like you're going to make some huge point and then you just tapped out you know nothing about women but that's just another discussion and I just don't want to even get into that so now what you just give me the face what are you doing today lazy huh Nini Kubrick yeah I just filmed my short film over the weekend screw you I'm working hard while you're in here and your pajamas talking about two on ones yeah well I have to do an hour's worth of shit here I'm coming up on it let me go an hour and two minutes an hour and two minutes have you

done your your viewer emails yet yeah I did listen their emails you did that already because you want to chime in I already did it I already did it what about overrated underrated didn't do it they didn't have any this week okay look at you I think you're a fan of this podcast no I'm not listen it didn't go down alright but I'm telling you right now Nia if two tens come up to me it's going down alright well just be prepared for the retaliation game set match really you're gonna deny me that can I just buy you some stuff wow really yes really I'm not some sort of fucking basketball wife that can be placated with material things to a point yeah exactly okay if I'm gonna be fucking honest here come on there's gotta be

something that I can buy you know something this should be our Valentine's Day alright for the guy the guy Valentine's Day this is what Valentine's Day should be every year is the guy gets a two on one and then you get some nice stuff well why can't I have a two on one cuz you don't like that what do you know women don't like sex you don't find like when you guys fantasize you think about the guys in your life you don't think about other things come on Nia just one just give me one you get one and I get one no you don't you don't yeah cuz you don't want one what do you mean I don't want you're just being childish no I'm not yeah you are you do you see you think you think you want

to hook up with with Jake Gyllenhaal and Brad face whatever the fuck his name is Brad Pitt Brad face Pitt you just think you do see you know what I think about me is like you have to hook up with somebody famous I'm actually just regular people see I'm down to earth with this shit see that's what I'm saying you like stuff you like shiny shiny things this is the deal I get a two on one and you get some some cracked up face old man in Vegas like Robert Redford like I used to be good looking when Nixon was in office no that's not how negotiating works now you got to come with something else here no I think we should both get an equal opportunity thing going on yeah but this isn't an equal relationship why is it not an equal

relationship because I wanted to I could pin you down to the ground right now and tickle you until you passed out and there's not a fucking thing you can do about it what it has nothing to do with anything that's how the world works Nia why do you think America's on top because we're right well because we could all because because we can blow you up more times so it's your physical presence that's what makes it like an unequal relationship yeah because I can beat you down well maybe you're physically stronger but I'm mentally stronger than you snap and I'm smarter than you yeah so whatever physical power let me ask you this what did you have are trumped by my mental fucking goliathness suck on that red what do you think you're

smiling oh that was good though though you got a good one in and now you're storming off I taught you well all right that's a podcast for this week everybody I hope you had a good time listening to it go fuck yourselves don't take any shit over there and oh wait I forgot to announce my my dates for the week fuck where the hell is it go to bill bird calm hyping it once again you click on shows I am going to be here's some new ones last week I told you that I was gonna be at the DuPont theater with the police the DuPont theater in Wilmington Delaware huh I'm gonna say this in a black scent I'm gonna be at the music hall in Troy New York on March 31st that first date was March 30th the Terry town music hall April 1st one of my favorite gigs I've only done it once

I think I actually did that gig but that I only headlined it one time I have conquered college in New Hampshire oh my god come on down to conquered college I guess you can get tickets because they're telling me to hype it so that's April 27th and then we're all the way into June everybody June 15th 16th and 17th I'm at the San Jose improv the improv in San Jose California 15th 16th 17th jump on that fucking trolley take your life in your hands come on down to the club June 29th 30th and July 1st I will be at the improv in Ontario I'm in Ontario California you fucking guys better show up and I know what you're thinking right now yo what you got against Ontario fucker it's the traffic it has nothing to do with Ontario it looks

like every other part of California it's a bunch of fucking strip malls and stucco houses I haven't been out there in a long goddamn time oh you motherfucker Ontario that is a deal breaker right there I know what I'm gonna do I'm gonna go out there Thursday afternoon I'll do the gig and then I'll fucking stay over Friday no I won't I'm going back and sleeping my own goddamn bed I'll fight the traffic fucking three nights in a row oh what a cunt of a gig um then things are looking up I'm at the improv in West Palm Beach Florida come on you dirty racist white people in Florida come on out to the West Palm Beach Florida improv July 13th 14th and 15th and if that isn't racist enough next I'm going to Orlando Florida this is my racist tour um I'll be there on September

7th 8th and 9th uh with any luck the Jacksonville Jaguars got a game I could drive up to go see that and then September 21st 22nd and 23rd I'm at the improv in Brea California and there you go everybody those are the dates so far as you've noticed those are all club dates after the three first ones but those are all club dates why you ask uh because I'm right in my new hour all right it never ends I just keep going so uh I think I'm gonna learn how to shoot a gun this week I'll talk to you about it next week all right that's it that's the podcast go fuck yourselves did I say did I say all the average oh I forgot game fly game fly dot com everybody how could I forget that this has been a monster for us everybody enjoying game fly are you a gamer

sure we all are wouldn't be nice to go uh wouldn't be nice to have like video games delivered straight to your pc or right to your door have over 8000 games to choose from well if you go to Monday morning podcast listeners get a 15 day free free free free free free free trial go to uh gamefly.com slash burr um to activate this special offer so there you go I'm protecting your feet I'm filling up your brain and you don't have to go to the post office I don't know what else you what else do you want from me huh well you tell me if there's anything else you'd like to get a discount on because I kind of been doing that with these people you know I just go hey what do you sell what do you sell over there huh you're selling uh cadaver parts tell you what if I can

get anybody to buy a finger you just kick me two bucks per digit all right and uh if nobody buys anything you don't owe me shit so there you go so if there's something out there you want to fucking discount on and I can make some money off of it you let me know you let me know all right I'm second saying goodbye go fuck yourself