Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 3-12-18

Episode Date: March 12, 2018

Bill rambles about nuclear proliferation, two team cities and eating meat.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday fucking March 12th. March 12th. The very important day of the history of March. That was the day that was the first day slash ever wore a top hat on stage. Or was it Abraham Lincoln? Or would you say that those the most famous people who ever wore a top hat, right? Now did Lincoln just get shot while he was wearing one? So that's how everybody always draws him. I don't know. I feel like you got to be a certain height. That's that's tall people's shit, you know, to have a fucking top hat and tails. You know, is there anything funnier than seeing somebody short wearing tall people's shit? You know, like when you went to your prom, that

fucking little fucking five foot six inch fire plug showing up wearing the fucking tails. Looking like a little goddamn penguin. Do people even wear tails that even have proms anymore? Is it considered unsafe? I know that they're supervised and that they started to fucking book comedians at them. And who's kidding who I guess they always should have been. Especially if you have a daughter speaking of ladies and ladies, ladies get in for free. They never talk about that when they talk about equal pay, huh? Ladies night, leave your money at home and bring your snatch because you're not paying for shit. Right? They don't talk about that, do they? All the nightclubs they get in for free?

For free. Actually what they really mean, don't they really mean beautiful women? Beautiful women get in for free. You know, mediocre to ugly women, then they just start going like, hey, you know, we're, uh, we're kind of full right now. And what does that do? That causes a movement. I went to a club the other night and they said it was full and it wasn't. You know, I know that because all of a sudden these other women who, yeah, they were skinnier. Yeah, they had better bone structure. Yeah, they were better looking and they wouldn't let me in. They let them in. That is right. One of the people who aren't good looking, just go to admit that they're not good looking and

just realize that they're going to have to walk through another door in life. It makes you stronger. You know, I'd love to have sympathy for you, but I'm a bald redheaded male. So I mean, you're fucking preaching to the choir. You know, you think the club wasn't full when I showed up? Boo hoo, make me my own room. This is the fucking poor me error of human beings as we ignore real, real, real shit, real shit that's going on. What kind of real shit is going on? Bill, I don't know. I don't pay attention. I know there's got to be something more important than fucking bathrooms, right? We already got bathrooms. Pick one. Sorry. Anyways, plowing ahead here. You're probably wondering why I'm in such a weird

fucked up mood. I'm really not in a weird, I'm in a good mood. This is me in a good mood. I cleaned up my office finally, finally put things in their proper place. Found a lot of shit that I thought I lost or misplaced or even forgot that I even had. Now I'm a minimalist would be like, well, that's what you need to get. You need to get rid of all this. You need to get rid of all this. Where does it go? They're minimalist into the ocean, into a fucking dump. Okay, stop acting like every fucking post that you have out there. You're going to go sell on Craigslist and someone's going to want to buy it. Okay. Isn't it more environmentally sound to be a hoarder?

Rather than sending all your shit to the dump, poisoning the soil, you have it contained within your own apartment or house or cabana or guest house, depending on your living situation. You can't tell me ever since OJ that when you're in a guest house, you can't, you can't be the guest and think, what if the fucking person who owns this kills their spouse and somebody else who happened to be there? Wait, am I going to be the person that happens to be there? All right, note to self the entire time I'm a guest in this guy's house, just make sure I'm always where I'm supposed to be. How will I know where I'm supposed to be? I'm just going to avoid this fucking guy and pay the rent on time. That's what OJ did. A lot of

people talk about the bad that he did. Okay, which is pretty obvious at this point. But the good that he did is I think the behavior of people in guest houses, I bet if you were able to chart it, if you had an algorithm or whatever is these number crunched people do, they would find that the behavior of the Cato Kalins of the world dramatically improved after OJ, you know, well, I guess you can't say he killed those two people. He was acquitted. It's fucked up. How the fuck are you supposed to say that? I don't, I think I just talked myself into a corner. Look at the bird. Look at that fucking bird out there. You know, a lot of, you know, I'm just sitting there looking at that fucking thing. How that fat

fuck that bird just flew the way it just did. I think it's all about the legs. I think, you know, I bet if you got a fucking really skinny person, right, had a beer belly and they had little bird legs. Nah, it still wouldn't work, would it? You know what, I bet you could get them to try. If you talk to them long enough, if you talk to them long enough, you know, come on, dude, look at your shape just like a bird and you're smarter than that fucking thing. Give it a jump. Come on. Sorry. Anyways, this is Sunday afternoon. I just put my absolutely darling daughter in the other room for a nap. So I got the fucking big brother camera going here. What the fuck is it? Oh, shit, where the fuck's the camera? God damn it. I just

fucking had this thing. I was killing it. I had everything going the way I needed it to be going. Oh, there it is. There it is. What is she doing? Oh, she's sleeping. Rock up by cutie in the other room. Something, something, and I'll get a broom, clean up all the shit that fell on the floor, and then you'll come out and do it some more. Oh, dad, can you stop singing your nerd songs? Anyways, you know what's fucking amazing is I'm getting my Invisalign off, allegedly, just like OJ, allegedly, I'm getting my Invisalign off this Wednesday. I can't fucking wait. I'm on train number 13. It was projected to take 16 weeks, but I had these fuckers in the whole time. I did, I did my half of my stand-up sets. I left them and spitting all over the fucking

stage. I just wanted to get it over with, right? That's a big thing in life. When something sucks, just get it over with. Okay, you get tossed overboard in the ocean. You know what I mean? You see that shark fin? Don't swim away from it. You swim at it. Head first, get it over with. What do you say to a shark fin? Anyways, I'm getting my Invisalign off, and then they give me a mouth guard. So for the rest of my life, when I go to sleep, I just pop in the mouth guard, and then I'm fine, and the shit will stay the same. And it's also cool because, you know, occasionally I will grind my teeth at night because I'm a lunatic or I'm stressed. I don't know what it is, but it's something I've done

ever since I was a little kid. So anyway, so it all worked out. It all fucking worked out, and I highly recommend it. And they're not paying me to tell you guys that fucking Invisalign is the shit, but it's the shit. You know, considering what they used to do, put all that barbed wire in your fucking mouth, you know? Then God forbid you got into a fight. It was just like you were a fucking bleeder. All someone I do is just punch you right in the mouth. We were playing kill the man with, not kill the man with the ball. That's what we used to call that game. You just pick up the football and start running, and half your grade would tackle you, and then you just coughed it up and someone else got it. It was fucking great. We played it. We played it every day, outdoor

recess, just about, and you come in, you weren't even sore. Your body was brand new. You had a big puffy coat on. That's all you needed. So we were playing football one time, and I was right around the time, you know, junior high when kids started getting braces, and I remember this kid, Sean, he got somehow hit in the mouth. And when he got up, like the wires that go from like, you know, you know, on each tooth, they had like a little fucking central hub where the wires would go through. And like the thing had like popped off, the wire popped off. Those things are still glued on. That's right. And he had like two wires sticking straight out of his mouth. I remember him get up like making this weird noise, and he

was bleeding, and then we were all just standing there like, ah, somebody get a pliers. But now they got invisiling. And it's tremendous. And you too. And 13, well, it depends on how fucked up your teeth are, and how much you're willing to wear them, because I know somebody else that's getting them and doesn't want to wear them all the time. So she's given into the fact that it's going to take, you know, like a year and a half or some shit. And it's just like, why wouldn't you get it over with? And she was just like, why wouldn't you just fuck off? And I was like, fine, hey, fair enough. Fair enough. Who am I to tell you how to fix your fucking dentition? All right, I'm just, you know, I'm excited. I want other people to be excited. Hey, it's something to be

excited about. I finally watched, I watched two Bruins games this weekend. Yeah, I finally saw Rick Nash playing with the Bruins. Big physical presence scored a goal on Saturday. Now, Matt and a game, those games usually suck, right? Because they're fucking teams tired. They're just waking up. They used to like, they're still shaking off a hangover and all of a sudden they drop in the puck. There's a bunch of kids there and shit. It feels like it feels like a charity game, you know, doesn't feel like the season. But they played a wild one on Saturday, seven to four, they won. They were up two to nothing. Looking like it was going to be nice, smooth fucking time. And then the Hawks gave us the all right there, Fred. Then it was two to two. I can't remember,

three, two, three, three, four, three, four, four, five, four, six, four, seven, four, right? I think that's what it was. And then today, like to fucking, you know, I thought we were going to, we tied it up. I thought we had the goddamn thing one and then Charo, I don't know if Patrick Sharp took a stick to the face from Charo. So we got Charo in the box for a four minute fucking major for the rest of the goddamn game, right? A double minor, I should say. And then, of course, they go out there and fucking remind me when we lost the Stanley Cup to him, but we're like, Oh, there is going to be a game seven. No, there isn't. It's over. They did that fucking Patrick Kane. Jesus Christ. Guys, a sniper. So I'm going to try to watch some more of the games, but I mean, I've watched so

many fucking games in the last 10 years that it didn't feel like I was away that long. And I still knew most of the team because I've been watching, looking at the stats and all of that shit. So I don't know, I guess I'll try. I don't know. When I got the kid, man, it's just, it's fucking hard, man. I haven't been able to watch my Celtics, my Bruins, you know, Patriots are easy because it's like once a week. You know, so anyways, I'm just fucking, I'm meandering right now because I'm waiting for the, all the reads and all that bullshit to come in. Because as always, I have 50,000 fucking things I have to do today, even on a Sunday. This is a day of rest, even God rested on Sunday. I'm working harder than God people. I shouldn't have said that, you know,

this fucking person sent me this, this, I don't know this fucking thing where this guy was convinced that I was possessed by Satan and his eye for cinematography was incredible. The way he was breaking down something that he did, he got every fucking thing that we were doing right. He just had the motivation rock. He was like, this is hypnotic. They're trying to hypnotize you. It was all to serve Satan. And it's like, no, it's not to serve Satan. It's so I can sell tickets. The reason why there's no crowd shots is because I feel your brain resets every time they cut to the fucking crowd. And then you got to try to draw them in again. When you go to a fucking stand-up show, you're not looking at the comedian and then turning around looking at people laughing every

fucking eight seconds. That would be a shitty experience. So I'm trying to recreate the live experience. That's all I'm doing. I'm not trying to serve, you know, the guy down under. All right. All right. With my stand-up special. I do that effortlessly the way I live my life anyways. But it's fucking this YouTube video. This guy's comparing like fucking, he goes, look at the P90X. Look how they use black and white and they fucking do all this. It was really, it was really insane. My favorite part was when he told his kid to knock it off. I'm like, all right, he's a good dad. Hey, knock it off. But yeah. Anyways, you're going to get that, right? I guess if you put a fucking special out, you're going to get

some shit like that. Who gives a fuck about my stand-up specials? You know what was awesome? Last night I stayed in with my lovely, beautiful, gorgeous wife and we hung in and I started to watch Pakey Blinders and they have no nothing but no robbery. Right? And she's like, I don't want to watch this. All right, Bill, you're white enough. I have a difficult time enough understanding you forget about these fucking people. Right? So I was like, okay, fair enough. So then we were scrolling through and I looked for the nice guys. Once again, Netflix, can you make my year and get the nice guys starring Russell Crowe and Jesus, why? How could I forget this guy's name? The guy from Drive, the guy from La La Land. I'll remember it later. I always,

the fuck is his name? He's fucking hilarious in that movie too. You know, fuck this. Hang on a second. I'm going to get pause. I got to get this guy's name. Sorry, Ryan Gosling. They're fucking hilarious in that movie. Ryan Gosling's hilarious. Russell Crowe was hilarious. It's such an underrated comedy and it reminds me of one of my favorite comedies of all time, Midnight Run. As far as I feel like the comedy, so much of it, their reactions and the way they're doing things, it comes from a real place. I don't mind wacky. I don't mind absurd or any of that bullshit, but I fucking love that movie. And so I looked it up and for whatever reason, Netflix has every fucking movie just about on their streaming service, the biggest streaming service in the

world, world, world, world, right? But they don't have that one. So I'm like, fuck. And then we scrolled down and then they had Thelma and Louise and I was just like, man, I have literally not seen that movie since I saw it when it came out in the movies. And oh, is that a great fucking movie? Fucking great goddamn movie. And it still holds up. And now with all this me too shit, you watch it now and it's more relevant than ever. And every guy in there was just this piece of shit hitting on him like the guy who plays Gina Davis's husband, Christopher McDonald. He fuck he fucking steals every scene that he's in. Like you got to you got to watch it again. When they tell him that his wife might be involved in

a murder murder, he just goes, what? Wait, what? Just the way he I'm going to put you in it. He's fucking hilarious in that movie. And we watch it and the end, you know, I don't want to ruin the ending for people who haven't seen it. But you know, anything that, you know, is a little nod to vanishing point, you got to love that if you haven't seen vanishing point. That's one of the first like anti heroes during that not the first but during that era of the anti hero like up until then, I guess, with movies and shit, it was always like, you know, the guy with the white hat and who's kidding who the white skin was always like the fucking hero. He was always trying to do the right thing. He didn't rob. He didn't steal. And he was a fucking hero. And if you stole and

you were a piece of shit, you are the black hat. You were the bad guy. You know what I mean? I would say that they put minorities in those roles. But way back then I didn't think they did that. They just had like they even had white people playing like Native Americans in Asians, even Asians. I remember that when I posted that thing from fucking Hawaii 50. They had that fucking white dude and they did something with his eyes to try to make him. He just looked weird, which was really strange because they had all those. I don't know if they were Asian, Hawaiian and what the fuck they were. But I mean, they had plenty of people who weren't white on that show. I don't know. Didn't make any sense.

But anyways, you got to love Jack Lord's Mercury. I like the first one he'd had. The 67 that he had or the 66. That was a mean fucking looking car. Anyways, but we sat and we watched that movie and it's still it's just still holds up. Still fucking holds up. This is the time when usually I would start doing some reads. But I don't fucking have any film in my reads. Oh Jesus, Bill, why would you make such a bad fucking joke? You know, I can't even sign into my fucking Gmail right now. I don't know what the problem is. Oh, Instagram. I'm instinct. I'm inching closer to getting on Instagram. I figured out what my password is and now they're like, ah, there's been too many fucked up

attempts to get into your account. I'm like, all right, that was me. But there's nobody to say that too. So they go, we're going to send this fucking code to you. And then they never send it. Well, who's getting who they sent me something back in September and I never fucking responded. So now I think they're looking at my, you know, my account like it's fucked up or some shit. I have no idea. But anyways, who gives a shit enough about that? Oh, so thank you to everybody who came out to my shows in Vancouver. Jesus Christ that I have a good time. I had such a fucking great time performing up there, such a beautiful city and all that and this woman started running down to the stage. She was yelling something about how lesbians were

better at something. And I was just like, what, what are you talking about? And, you know, I was being an asshole, you know, making fun of all that me too shit, you know, just, you know, feminists did just so easy to get mad. How do you not do it? It's just so fucking tempting as a comic. So I'm up there just saying this fucking ridiculous ignorant shit. And everybody's laughing, including all the rest of the women there, because they know what I'm saying is so fucking ridiculous. They know I don't believe it, right? But nowadays, there's, there's always the, you know, Franny face value in the fucking crowd, right? You got to fucking take everything like, did he mean that? Now I'm offended. Now I'm offended. So I don't know what the fuck she was

doing. She started like marching down towards the stage and all this security came and just got her in a way. And next note, next thing I knew she was being escorted out, which sucked because that meant the fun was over. I heard people, I had some friends who came out to the show, they were trying, it's people walking out saying that she was a plant. How funny is that? Like I got that kind of time and money to fly an actor up to fucking Vancouver to interrupt my show. It's just like at that point, when I just hire somebody to write me better material. Who knows? I don't, I have no idea. I don't know why people always think that that's such an old show biz thing to have a plant in the crowd, but people used to do it.

They did used to do it. So I guess it's fair that they, that they, that they think that. But anyway, so she got kicked out. I never kicked anybody out of the show. It wasn't my call either. They just fucking escorted her out, um, which I thought was funny after, I mean, I kind of felt bad. I was like, well, you know, it would have been fun if she stuck around. I could have heard some more of her fucking crazy theories. You know, I don't, I don't, there's this, and I had, I had another two women walked out of my show when I was down the improv. Now, if I was some sort of thinking man, I would be like, well, hey, Bill, that's two incidents in one week. Maybe it's you, but I really don't think it is.

I just think that the, uh, the extreme left are out of their fucking minds now. And they have this thing where if you, if that there's only one way to think, and it's their way, and there's only certain subjects you can joke about. And if they don't think that you should be joking about it, that they're just going to really just behave like children. It was funny when they got up and it was funny when they got up and walked out when I was at the improv, like people were going to care. I don't know. Hey, you know what? You know what? It's just the world that we're living in, huh? Just this overly sensitive fucking time that we're living in. So anyways, the fuck am I going to get these reads? Hey, did you see Trump is going to go talk to Kim Jong

they're going to go hang out. So I actually looked up the fucking story, right? I looked this story up. Let me see if I can find this shit. And my first thought when I saw that picture side to side is like, you know, Trump gets way too much shit for his fucking hairdo. The picture they have on the Google news, his hair looks good to me, you know, I think it was bad for a long time where he had, he did have a comb over, but since then the hair plugs got way better. And I think he filled it in, but he likes having the big swoop and thing. Cause I think that's part of his look, but I think that's all his hair, but whatever. But Kim Jong-un's haircut, oh fuck you say, Jesus Christ. I don't want to sabotage this

meeting, but my God, he has like a Joseph Stalin meets Mo Howard with a little bit of John Travolta all in the same, all in the same fucking haircut. It's incredible. Really is it's like the kind of haircut like a wrestler, you know, would have. They wanted to make a splash like, Oh my God, who the fuck is this guy? But anyways, didn't you imagine the balls of me just sitting here fucking completely bald, sitting there trash in these people's haircuts. I gave Trump an audit. I don't think it looks that bad compared to what compared to what I'm fucking dealing with, I guess. Although I think I look better than.

Hey, well, let's do that. Let's do that on the Photoshop. You know, when they go, who wore it best, you know, do a fucking Trump me and Kim Jong-un and just vote worst haircut. And fuck all you assholes who picked me just to be cunts. I respect it, but fuck you too. All right, CIA director Mike Pompeo has defended Donald Trump's decision to meet North Korean leader Kim Jong-un saying the president understands the risk. I actually think it's fucking great that he's doing this. This should happen more. Go talk it out before a bunch of people fucking die, you lunatics. He said, Mr. Trump isn't doing this for theater. He's going there to solve a problem. The spy chief told Fox News Sunday. It's funny that he's a spy, a spy, and he's going on the

fucking news. The president has said the summit could produce the greatest deal for the world. What else would he say? He's been saying that that's how it got him in the office. Everything's great. But critics have warned that at the top, talks go poorly. The two nations will be in a worse position than before. It's the political gamble of the 21st century, the tricky task of preparing for the Trump Kim summit. Why is everybody so like, why is it better that the two of them don't talk? He said no sitting US president has ever met a North Korean leader. Mr. Trump reportedly accepted the offer to do so on the spot when it was really relayed by South Korean envoys on Thursday, taking his own administration by surprise. Let me ask you this. Please tell me they're not

going to meet in some fucking Italian restaurant in the village. Okay. And if any point Kim Jong says, I need to go to the bathroom. All right. You better have something down by your ankle. That's all I'm saying. Anyways, attempts to negotiate aid for disarmament deals have failed repeatedly since 2003, when the North pulled out of the Nuclear Nonproliferation Treaty. Mr. Pompeo told CBS, the administration had its eyes wide open to the challenge of dealing with North Korea. I gotta be honest with you, I don't understand what the fucking problem is. Like why are they, do we have like economic sanctions on them? Is that why their people are starving? And we have that on them because they were part of the communist expansion?

You know, there's got to be a better way to do it. We got, you know, economic sanctions. We, why don't you go the other way? Why don't we ever go the other way and just become like the fucking, you know, just be like a good shit, you know, fight the guy to the Super Bowl, get him some whores, you know, then he doesn't want to blow this place up. I can't fucking blow that up. And I go to the football game. I got my dick sucked. What are we doing here? I like those guys. Right? It's like when the Bruins and the Rangers hated each other and then they all played on the same team and they went and they played the Russians and all of a sudden the rivalry fucking died. That's what you do. These people they got, they got to hang out. You know,

I don't know how good that'll be for the rest of us because then they'll probably like join forces. I have no fucking idea. This is why I don't read the news. I mean, it's Princess Diana's iconic minefield walk. What the fuck is this about? How slow a news day is it that they're going to bring this shit up? I mean, that was like she died. What 97 Rosa Parks for Rosa Parks. There was a 15 year old girl from hero to big friend. Is Bernie Sanders running for president? Five women, five countries, five babies. Sounds like a bad movie, doesn't it?

The man Brussels can't stop. Brussels can't stop talking about. That's the winner right there. Who's this guy? Brussels can't stop the man at the heart of the Brussels saga saga. I have no idea what this is about. The European Commission has denied allegations of cronyism after a protégé of its president Jean-Claude Jean was given one of the most powerful jobs in the EU civil service. Yeah, everybody hooks everybody up in politics. Martin Selmaier has been appointed Secretary General of the Commission. Not Martin St. Mailer, Selmaier, the organization that monitors whether countries are sticking to EU's rules, dreams up new laws and runs the Brexit talks day to day. Who is he? He's a 40-something lawyer. Who gives a fuck?

This is why I can't pay. Who cares? I don't care. I actually stopped caring in the middle of that. All right, I guess I have to hit pause at this point because I don't have any of my fucking advertising or anything like that. Bullshit. What else can I talk to you about? Oh, you know what? My fucking shoulder is doing great. I did yoga for 20 minutes before my shoulder was like, you know, getting a little like, hey, take it easy there. I got weight lift and going again a little bit. I got to getting shape girls, you know, the pink. Oh my God, you had a girl, one pounders. I got the baby blue fucking five pounders. And I don't know, at some point I'm going to work back up to the iron. But at this point, all my weight training,

what the shit I grabbed looks like it's made out of Play-Doh. But I'm fucking psyched because I told you guys, you know, I'm turning 50. I don't know if I brought that up 50,000 fucking times, but I'm turning 50 in June and I'm going to get into the best shape of my life. That's what I plan on doing. That's my plan. Whether I do it or not, I have no idea. Not the best shape in my life, best shape of my fucking, like the last 10 years, because no matter how good a shape I get in, you know, the parts of 50 years old, right? You know, they always try to say that shit, you know, they used to do that shit where it's just like, you know, I did a test that, you know, I'm 50, but my fucking legs are 40. It's like, no, no, they're not. Those are your, those are all original

parts. Okay? Unless you lost the leg and then they stuck a new one on there when you were 10, then that leg would be 40 years old, the prosthetic. All right, that was negative. All right, let me, let me hit plazio. All right, and I'm back. It was half a second in your life, but uh, all right, I guess, oh, geez, we got a new advertiser here. My bookie over there. My bookie. For those of you people out there like to gamble on sports. I like these guys because they're not trying to act like, you know, this is a game of skill. They're like your bookie, my bookie, my bookie. Hey guys, it's time to talk to you about the boatload of money you can make this week by betting at my bookie. Oh, Jesus

Christ. I always get you. If you haven't checked them out, this is the perfect time to get into the action. The madness of March is here. All right, guys, gamble responsibly because, you know, I'm going to bet, you know, I bet on stuff. Okay, but let's just don't put your house up. Okay, this is, the bookies are no different than AR 15s. Okay, it's all how you use them. All right, if you haven't checked them out, this is the perfect time to get into the action. The madness of March is here. Put down some money and score big on college hoops. Join me in thousands of online players and start betting at my bookie.ag. I don't bet online. I wouldn't even know how to fucking begin to do this. I can't even get into my own Instagram

account. That's just a generic line that they give every host. Okay, but you know, if you hear you, this is where you can fucking gamble. If you think you know what you're talking about, put your money where your mouth is. Are you sick and tired of getting the run around when you ask for your payout? I would only recommend a servant to you, I guess I was supposed to say, to you that's been good to me and our listeners. This is my first fucking read. They even have in-game live betting so you can even place a bet after tip off. Chase your money. Join now and my bookie will match your first deposit with a 50% bonus. You can even enter for a chance to win their million dollar bracket challenge. Somebody always hits that right there. Use promo code Burb.

B-U-R-R to activate offer. Visit my bookie today. Play, win, and get paid or play, lose, and get yelled at. Those are your options. Yeah. I wonder how the mob thinks about what these fucking people are doing. Hey, he's cutting in on our action over here. I'm actually going to gamble. I should use my bookie. Why not? I'll throw a fucking hundred bucks on March Madness. When does it start? Who's playing? That's what most people say. What's the game? I'll throw a fucking, I'll throw a C note at it. All right, the black tucks everybody. This isn't the me too black tucks that everybody wore. This is just the one for fucking regular people who didn't take their dick out at work or need to prove that they didn't.

Okay. This is for classy people. Not these animals here in Hollywood. All right. I try to make things up with a certain colored shirt rather than adjusting their behavior. Okay. This is a class act here. This is civilian outside of Hollywood black tuxedos. All right. For more than a year now, I've been talking about the black tux.com. The black tux never gets old because they always have new and exciting styles for your next big event. Whether you're going for a stylist selected outfit or building a custom look, the black tux has tons of new suits and tuxedos to choose from for your big spring events. The black tux is always changing up their looks, making it fun to try out different suits and tuxedos. Even if you have your own suit,

switching it up with deep black tux is always a great idea. Yeah, it is a great idea. Something different. It comes all steamed and ready to go. You throw it on, you twirl your fucking lady around the dance floor, you come on, you give it back to him. Done. Over. Oh, it's kind of creepy that someone else wears it to something else. Just imagine all the memories that are in there. Right. It's like a fucking, I don't know what it is. For some reason, I thought, no, I can't see what I just thought. I don't know why I just thought. I'll tell you later what I was thinking of. And with their new fit algorithm, you don't have to awkwardly measure yourself or ask a friend for help. Yeah, the black tux does it for you. Plus,

the black tux free home try on lets you see the fit and feel the quality of your suit months before your event. After ordering your suit will arrive for 14 days before your event. And remember how simple returns are where it turn heads, then send it back three days after your event. Shipping is free both ways. Stand out at your event for the right reasons with the black tux to get a $20 off your purchase. Visit the black tux.com slash burr. That's the black tux.com slash burr for $20 off your purchase. The black tux premium rental suits and tuxedos delivered. This is what you can wear wear after you win all your money on my bookie. Look at that tying everything together. Oh, oh, look who's back. Ah, but do do do me on these me on these putting

on your fucking black tux to do do do me on these me on these. Why did she suck on those cucks? Um, because she wanted a part in a movie. She was in not one, not two, but three because she played that fucking game. And now how the fuck is she ever going to get any more work? You know, how are horse going to handle this whole fucking post me to some women probably like, ah, fuck it. I'll do it. Get over here, you fucking warthog. Anyways, you've heard me talk about me on these and you know that I am a big believer in their product. They're the perfect balance of comfortable fit. Every month they have a new and exciting prints and they arrive at your door in a fun bag. Me on these uses lensing micro modal modal in

their underwear. It's a sustainably sourced. I don't know what that means. Naturally soft fiber that doesn't mean if you cut down a tree to make this underwear, you plant another one. A modal tree modal naturally soft fiber that starts with the beachwood trees and ends with the most amazing fabrics you've ever experienced. The results have been downright dreamy. It's incredible that this these things are made out of wood. You know, how do you not get splinters in your fucking ball bag there? No little picket fence along your taint me on these adventurous prints or design and designs are all limited edition and new patterns are released every few weeks on a rolling basis. 100% satisfaction guarantee me on these guarantees you you will

love your undies or your money back. How the fuck do they keep coming up with new designs is beyond me. The undies is sure you'll love your underwear. They offer a 100% satisfaction guarantee. If you don't love your first pair, if you don't love it, you'll get a full refund. This is a no brainer and you get to keep the underwear is willing to take it back wash it give it somebody else get 20% off your a pair of the most comfortable under underwear you'll ever put on to get your 20% off your first pair free shipping 100% satisfaction guarantee go to me undies.com slash burr. That's me undies.com slash burr. Oh, we got another one simply safe. I've got some exciting news. Simply save a home security company. I've worked with since they were

a startup. I've watched them transform into the fastest growing home security company in the nation protecting over 2 million people. Why didn't I invest in this? Well, they just released their brand new home security system. The all new simply safe. This system has been completely rebuilt and redesigned. They've added new safeguards to protect against power outages, downed Wi-Fi, cut landlines, bats, hammers, and everything in between. What? Bats like the fucking things that fly hammers or they mean like thieves showing up with weapons. I don't know what that means. The only simply safe was redesigned to be practically invisible with the power sensors with power sensors so small you'll hardly notice them. You know who

you know when intruders. Oh, you know who will intruders not wind. You know who will intruders. They're going to notice all that shit. Okay, this is what truly remarkable. This is what's truly remarkable to me. Simply safe spent years building this system. They added so much, but you still get the same fair and honest price 24 seven protection for only $15 a month. And there's no contract. It's smaller, faster, and stronger than anything they've built before, but supply is very limited. Visit simply safe burr. B U R R dot com now to order that simply safe burr.com protected protect your home and family today. Simply safe burr.com. You know what I was wondering, like, can you also use that shit to like catch your roommates stealing your shit?

Yeah, I'll go into your fuck I rub. All right. Lastly, but not leastly stamps.com stamp.com never closes print postage for letters or packages at your convenience 24 seven mail everything from postcards to envelopes to packages domestic or international. Create your stamp.com account in minutes online with no equipment to lease and no long term commitments. Click print and mail and you're done. They'll send you a digital scale on a minute. It automatically calculates exact postage stamps.com will even help you decide the best class of mail based on your needs. I use your needs. I feel for me second class would be the best. I use stamps.com and I would be using it this year when I come up with a poster for my fucking tour

when I ship them out to these venues. And I'm a moron if I can figure out how to use it so can you and right now you too can enjoy the stamps.com service. I don't know why I keep you on it with this special offer that includes a four week trial plus postage and a digital scale go to stamps.com click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in Burr that stamps.com enter Burr. Okay I just realized I left the monitor in the other room. I don't want my daughter to wake up without me. All right hang on. All right you know what she's still sleeping and I just realized that it's not 4 15 it's 5 15 so I need to wake her up. I hate having to wake her up but I gotta do that or else she's just gonna throw her all off. All right I gotta hit pause again

hit and pause again. All right I'm back. He's back. All right I was all set to launch into why Postmates sucks because I finally downloaded it onto my phone the app and I was like all right I'm gonna do what all the kids are doing. In order the food and some fucking kids gonna show up and they haven't you know they can't fucking ring a doorbell anymore they're sitting there they're texting you that they're outside of the house not gonna fucking door. So anyways I've used it twice same place okay the first fucking guy say I said that I live on fucking 9,858 Main Street North Main Street he went to the South Main Street he's just like oh bro I'm fucking nine miles from your house bro what the fuck dude it's not how we talked he was actually a good

shit and I I sat there blaming myself going I probably fucked it up I just signed up I bought it all this fucking shit and turned out I didn't fuck up I put my right stick open and they fucked up I still tipped the guy right I gotta need to be liked he was a good guy whatever so I ordered it again same fucking place and I'm waiting and I'm waiting and then I'm looking and it says it's gonna be here at like six and I'm like fine you know but it's I can't negotiate it and then fucking I don't know I hit something and it said oops there's been a problem you order can't go through so I was just like you fucking fuck postmates and all this shit and I ate something else and in the middle of prepping that the doorbell rings and my order

came so I don't know what I did so I apologized to postmates for all the shit I just said about I'm walking around my house evidently I fucked it up I went back to some other screen all I knew was I couldn't tell if I ordered it and it had gone through I don't know you know it doesn't take much to fucking you know sorry I'm typing my password I can't fucking think and type at the same time it doesn't take much to throw me off that's all I'm saying all right so whatever postmates is fine okay all right bill tour dates second and third late shows added to some of these dates oh nice nice nice baby boo boo boo do do do do oh fucking Billy Big Head's got a fucking tour he's doing I'm gonna be in uh Kitchener Ontario March 7th we added a late show I'm sorry March 17th

oh St. Patty's Day tour allura allura and the green alligator and the something something and and along the goose Conor McGregor and a fucking something all right Tulsa, Oklahoma March 30th when San Antonio we added a show March 31st we added a late show in Pittsburgh April 6th we added a late show in Cincinnati April 7th as I go through the fucking NFC AFC Central the old AFC Central Division uh Nashville we added a late show April 21st San Francisco I'm there the May 14 15 16 and 17 17th is the only day with tickets left look at you fucking guys showing up for the bald freckled cunt thank you that I'm doing the three arena in Dublin Ireland and then I'm doing Royal Albert Hall in London England can you believe that if

you fucking think that I'm not setting up an old Ludwig kid there during the fucking day and playing a bunch of Zeppelin when the place is empty yeah you don't know me I'm gonna do that unless they tell me I can't then I'll be like oh sorry did me do offend the Queen whatever the fuck I'm supposed to say uh added a late show in Minneapolis on June 29th uh we added a late show in Seattle July 15th what's other ones what other ones all right whatever you'll see all this shit you'll see all this shit where I'm gonna be at um oh man this is gonna be a fun year it's gonna be a fun year all right enough with me fucking drooling over all those great places I get to perform at Boston

sports hey there Billy Russell do you think Boston is the type of city that could have supported two teams in any sport do you think it's something you could handle in the future thanks and go fuck yourself um well we had that opportunity way back in the day we had the uh let's see we had the uh the Boston Braves and the Boston Red Sox the Braves ended up leaving um I don't know I don't know I gotta be honest with you I don't know how the Brooklyn Nets did it where all those people out there were nick fans and then all of a sudden the New Jersey nicks move out there and it just says Brooklyn and everybody just jumps on the bandwagon and says fuck the nicks I don't get that especially if you're a longtime suffering nicks fan and then what if they win it

you know even if then Brooklyn Nets win it it's not going to be the same you didn't fucking they showed up during your life you know that's like the second wife you don't love her the way you love the first one because the first one went bad I would think right I don't know um and then of course we had two football teams there for a minute we had the uh New England Patriots and we had the Boston Breakers and the USFL I went to a game against the Washington Federals at Nickerson Field uh no I don't I don't you know this is the deal we don't need more than one team in every sport the way New York does to try to fucking win some championships I'm telling you the fucking New York Yankees are the sugar daddy of New York City like that's the

reason why New York City is not looked upon is one of the most pathetic fucking sports towns ever just consider considering the amount of titles versus the amount of fucking teams you know the nicks haven't won in forever the Nets have never won the Mets haven't won in 30 something years the Jets haven't won since Super Bowl fucking three uh who else the nicks you know the Nicks since what 73 the Rangers have won once since 1940 and they're going on a 25-year fucking drought again they're about halfway through that fucking curse again already just like that they went 54 years the last time they're almost at the halfway point of that um um

Giants are decent Giants are respectable um and also they did buy you know some Giants also won some NFL titles too so um but what kills the fucking city for me aside from my blind hatred of them is the fact that you know you can just go oh what about the Giants because you already have the Jets so you don't have to have the Jets hanging around your neck ah the fucking Mets oh what about the Yankees you know I mean they always have like a fucking option um so yeah I don't know and I gotta be honest with you I don't understand how the Clippers fucking survive but they do they do um I just don't see that happening in uh a city like Boston the size of it and the the ridiculous loyalty that you would bring a new team like who the fuck would

you bring in there I mean everybody hates us at this point and everybody's talked shit about us so what what are you gonna what are you gonna move there the Jaguars the New England Jaguars would you put them out in Worcester change their name the fucking Worcester Wildebeest I don't know former vegetarian and anti weight lifter uh dear Billy Bison thighs heard you talking about lifting weights with Kenny Aronoff can I just read that sentence again heard you talking about lifting weights with Kenny Aronoff how fucking awesome was he on the podcast I can't believe I got to meet that guy really glad you understand the benefits I was a vegetarian who only did cardio for five and a half years I recently started eating amyl fat again and I feel a lot

better I'm not going to preach against vegetarian vegetarianism but the mental benefits of those types of cholesterol is complete improved my hormone energy and cognitive levels I only eat grass-fed meat and try to eat in the morning to improve brain function also since I started lifting weights once or twice a week my upper body feels better than when doing when doing basic tasks around the house and yard uh what's your take on red meat are you picky where it comes from nah dude I'll literally I'll eat a fucking cow they ate another cow I don't have I don't have the patience there's a butcher you know a couple of towns over I guess I could go to sometimes I go there but generally speaking I don't know what I'm eating um but I try to eat as well as I can

what's my take on red meat it's fucking delicious um you know I start to read up on all of that shit and just get so fucking depressing so I try I mean and then you go so I they just say it's grass-fed okay so it's grass-fed everything says it's fucking organic it isn't organic it's got a bunch of crap put in there like the system to monitor what's in your food like most systems at this point is so fucking corrupt um I don't I don't know how to I don't know what to do but uh yeah I'm actually I will go back to lifting weights I don't think I'm going to do like bench pressing I'll do it with dumbbells for some reason with dumbbells I can control the angle independently on both shoulders and I don't have a fucking problem but uh bench pressing is for uh

young people and I am not young all right Vermont gun laws Bill I'm from New Hampshire and I always found it fascinating how lenient Vermont's gun laws are here's a basic rundown of how Bernie runs things and why he's always careful around the gun law conversation uh minimum age to person purchase and possess in Vermont Vermont allows any person aged 16 or older to possess a handgun without the consent of a parent or guardian there is no minimum age to possess a rifle or a shotgun in Vermont Vermont law allows firearm sales to anyone 16 years or older thanks all right well I really don't have a problem with any of that I just have a problem with people who are mentally ill getting them uh that's the problem and nobody on either side seems to know how to stop that from

happening you know the guys the fucking people who buy guns keep making this is this guy I made this whole video showing how like this this rightfully had had a bullet twice the size of an AR-15 going but this is the this is the friendly gun nobody's scared of this one and it's got a bullet twice side but see yeah but it's the fucking semi-automatic it can't you know what they're saying you know what they're saying and everybody's just gotta fucking just sit there and act like they don't understand what the f doesn't everybody want the shit to stop somebody for the love of fucking god just come I figure out how to fuck you can't be a fucking nut job and just walk in and get a fucking gun that's the fucking problem but people who like to buy guns don't want

it to be extra difficult for them to get the fucking thing because they're not nuts so which is crazy to me I don't you know oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah but but watching both of those arguments they're talking about two totally different fucking things one side's just like get rid of all of the guns stupid guns are great guns do great things okay they they you can defend yourself with the gun and you can provide you can hunt with the gun okay you can scare somebody off with the fucking gun this is great fucking things and then there's bad things you could do with the gun it's a hell of an invention hell of an invention all right wife unable to grow the fuck up okay hey there Billy sad old sober ballsack now I'm not sober anymore I got a rack of

bud tall sitting in the fridge I love a Budweiser every once in a while and it can't takes me back to when I first got shitfaced down in Faneuil Hall uh been a listener for a few years actually I was drinking Michelobelite that night I'm a particular I'm particularly a fan of the way you look at sensitive topics like religion not everyone is able to question the fact of why all other religions sound silly like our own I love that bit on your special well thank you you know and as much as you loved it somebody else thought I was a servant of satan now for the question I'm a guy on my early 30s I mean in my early 30s married with a beauty with a beautiful two-year-old daughter congrats on yours by the way it's a wonderful thing being

a father yes it is however my wife routinely gets nostalgic about her teenage years she's unable to get a steady job keeps changing topics it's at school so she attends a certain course for a couple years gives up heads on to the next one I was hoping becoming a mum would help but it looks like it hasn't recently she's even been asking how upset would I be if she told me she was cheating what the fuck that's a hell she has apparently been watching some fucking show on Netflix where the protagonist is a chick that cheats to feel free and young again um isn't it a fight it's just women I swear to fucking god I swear to god do you know if they ever put a show on the fucking air where a guy was cheating on his wife

to feel free and young again the amount of fucking attacks that that goddamn show would get you know this is one thing that I have learned generally when it comes to women okay if you fuck up it's your fault okay it's your fault if they fucked up it's because of something you did that's kind of how it works um I told her I think that's bullshit I can go out on a guy's night out smoke a cigar drink some alcohol and have a fucking great time and that's basically more than enough for me unfortunately I have also found out she's been trying to engage in conversation with her first big crush oh boy dude like I you know you don't have to be a genius to read these tea leaves here man at least the way you're presenting it so what's your takes on this

what the fuck do I do with this woman we're planning on having a second child but honestly I'm not sure if it's a good idea it's fine for me to stay with my daughter and she can fuck off if that's what she wants um I almost think you have to tell her that find out first what's just be like what's going on with you you're asking me how I would feel if you cheated on me you watching this show with this woman's cheating and you're you're having conversations with your your first big crush okay I need to know what's going on are you going through a phase because if this fucking thing's over it's fucking over I'm not having another kid with you and I wouldn't get upset the way I'm getting upset for you to say it I would just put it online like what's going on with you

and I don't know how much I would trust her listen to what she has to say and before I have another kid with that person I would fucking I would hire a private investigator to follow around to see if she's not fucking somebody else uh no I wouldn't but you should by the way I'm you said I'm doing very well professionally and have also some hobbies that keep me entertained having a daughter certainly takes a toll on a relationship I'm guessing she's had she has too much free time and maybe consequently feels neglected we do try to watch a show every now and then and we go out as a family regularly on the weekend sex life is okay not sure if we can blame this situation on me thanks a lot um

well god knows she's gonna I mean what man doesn't feel fucking neglected too when they have a kid I mean your sex life does suffer you know so you then go out and you know do something to feel free and wanted um yeah you need to sit down and talk to her find out what the fuck is going on and I would just tell her what you're doing and the way you're making me feel right now is not even remotely fair and it's not something I would do to you

so what the fuck just clean that up say it in a nice way 01:00:34,840 --> 01:00:38,760 man that's fucking annoying there's a show out there where a woman fucks around to feel free and young again um listen here's the thing all right it's not that I even fucking mind that show because I believe that there are people out there like there's people out there that they're just not designed to be married there's people out there that can actually do that and it doesn't mean shit to them both men and women and they can just fucking walk back and it doesn't mean shit to them the problem is the person they're with it means something to so um I'm pretty fucking

open-minded but uh I'm just annoyed that if you made you know did they oh I guess it was californication like that I have no idea I never watched that show I couldn't get into that show I didn't get what this guy's problem was oh man you know these fucking young chicks just want to keep banging me I'm supposed to feel bad for this guy um anyway friend's wife is attracted to me Jesus Christ dear billiard the cubald the cubald I like that appreciate the podcast and everything you do and thank you for taking the time to read this email no problem thank you for the funny nickname I like it I'm in a tricky situation here there are four people involved my buddy of 12 years oh man his wife of two years dude where's your loyalty my girlfriend of six months

and myself we're all in our mid to late 20s oh boy um it has recently come to light that the wife is interested in me oh geez you just skipped over a lot of fucking details how did that come about she sent you a valentine well you guys having inappropriate conversation that led to that anyways I met her about three years ago while she and my buddy were still just dating she was my type and I was drawn to her immediately she is at least a nine for my taste but I just put her in the unattainable compartment in my brain since she wasn't available I did not give her any additional thought beyond being cordial I didn't really care to get to know her and I didn't think about what it would be like to

date her though if she had been single I would have gone after it all right so so far according to you you've been a good guy fast forward to the recent past my buddy's wife and I got to know each other on a bit more of a personal level on my birthday a few months ago my girlfriend was there too and it seemed like my bud's wife took an interest in getting to know my girlfriend as well since then the four of us have hung out a few times and the wife has gotten to know me a lot better I've also been hitting the gym which has gotten the attention of my buddy's wife ah Jesus Christ all right they've been married two years you're 20s in your late 20s so she's looking to pull the ripcord um where the fuck was I

okay so one weekend a group of people including myself and my buddy's wife go to a club my girlfriend was invited but decided to go to sleep instead obviously alcohol was flowing and there isn't much room on a dance floor I'll spare you the details dude what do you mean spare me the details it was just getting good fuck what the fuck this is like a uh a cinemax movie I'll spare you the details and suffice to say that I learned that night that she was into me when what she was doing the running man on your dick I don't know what okay I was pretty overwhelmed and thrilled because I thought she was a bit out of my league I'm also I'm also am not the happiest in my relationship what makes it harder for me to sort out my feelings on the

matter this girl excels in the areas that my girlfriend doesn't I'm I certainly am very attracted to her and enjoy this type of attention I didn't know if she was unhappy in a relationship or what I've tried to see what this girl wants or if there's a problem with their marriage but she has had a lot of dodgy answers like I wasn't looking for anything or this isn't supposed to go anywhere or I'm perfectly happy in my relationship etc she also has a hard time committing to any boundaries I'll fuck this chick fuck this chick or maybe she just got drunk and said something stupid it all sounds like bullshit to me I think she is lacking affection from my buddy and she's bored and horny she also sounds like she just doesn't want to admit that there's a problem she's trying

to have the security of a marriage in the thrill of a new romance we haven't kissed her anything yet big word yet but I feel like we've already desecrated both of our relationships I also feel like any increased fun talk about and the tension will eventually reach the inevitable breaking point the inevitable breaking point yeah you gotta stay away from her what should I do my girlfriend will lose her shit if she hears about this my buddy will be really unhappy I think you flip those I think your girlfriend will be unhappy your your buddy will lose his shit anyways and I already feel like I couldn't trust this girl if we did get together however I don't really care I just love to hook up with her I can well it's honest I can tell this girl has

something wacky going on but I don't have the strength to reject her advances what should I do thank you so much and go fuck yourself I stop going out to the club with them or fucking rub one out before you go out or don't drink when you go out there yeah that's gonna blow up that is gonna fucking blow up in your face but who's kidding who man that type of shit happens all the fucking time all the fucking time married women will come up to another guy and say that they're attracted to him I mean there's all this shit out there now about guys behavior and that type of shit

you know women do it all the fucking time and they say they're better at it I don't think they necessarily are I think what the thing is is that just women are into vengeance so you know they you know if you get like something like that going and if the end if they don't get a fucking check for a million dollars in a house they're gonna try to do something to blow up your life that's what they do guys we walk away fuck you bitch and we just we generally speaking we just we walk away they they don't they burn down your fucking life um so uh dude there first of all break up with the fucking check you're with now and go find somebody else to fuck around with all right you don't need to be fucking around with your buddy's unhappy wife

because you're never going to be able to trust her all right you're just not and then you're going to lose your friendship for 12 years with this other guy all right this is basically um like your dicks in congress right now like filibustering you know your dick has the floor right now that's what the problem is if you just sit down okay and you listed all the pros and cons of doing this if you were where I was at right now sitting there the answer is easy don't do that don't do that but when you're in it and your dick is there all fucking logic goes out the fucking windows so um you know I don't know I just you know I would just fucking she said there's nothing else to it I would leave it at that

and if she brings it up again I would just say look you said there was nothing to it okay so I don't want to hear any more of that kind of talk I already you can't hang out with her anymore you can't you cannot fucking hang out with her unless that dude is there and if this guy's really a fucking friend by the way wait a minute this guy's really your friend you know you wouldn't be thinking about doing that and be oh man I don't know if you tell him I don't know if you should tell I wouldn't tell him it's it's a fucking mess you know a woman would women would women would initiate the conversation and then turn around a fucking you know yeah don't tell him don't tell him that's a stupid

fucking idea because then she'll flip the fucking story start crying he'll feel bad and he's gonna choose her over you dude you got a situation I there's just so many fucking ways that this can go and none of it's good unless you just walk away walk away go back to the room go back to the room fuck it it's that moment and fucking when you're playing cards we just gotta admit you're not gonna win tonight just fucking cash out and go back to the fucking room that's what you should do uh jerk off to her as much as you fucking want to get it out of your system go find somebody else that you like that makes you not think about your buddy's wife how about that there there we go um but I'm sure she just wants to feel free all right I know I was a

little bit of an asshole but what are you gonna do all right that's the podcast once again thank you for everybody that came out in Vancouver and I'm going to be in Ontario coming up this weekend on the 17th whatever the fuck I'm gonna be I can't remember because of an L I think it's up on my website bill at billbird.com that's the podcast go fuck yourselves and I'll check it on you on Thursday