Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-23

Episode Date: March 14, 2023

Bill rambles about male manicures, seeing Stevie Nicks & Billy Joel, and the Faroe Islands. ZipRecruiter:  Try Zip Recruiter for free at www.ZipRecruiter.com/BURR  GameTime:  Download the Gametime app, create an account, and use code BURR for $20 off your first purchase at www.gametime.com 

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday! Monday, Monday, what up, what up, what up, what up, what up. March 13th, 2023. How are you? How is your March going? You know, it's unlucky, March 13th. Doesn't have to be a Friday. Why did that always happen? Friday the 13th. Oh, wait a minute, was that because Jesus, did Jesus get whacked on a Friday? He did, didn't he? And then three days later, he came back. No, it would have been a Monday. Saturday, Sunday, Monday. Yeah, you got to do it on the weekend when people are around to see the rock roll back, right? You can't do it on a Monday. Everybody's at fucking work. Although they had slaves back then, so they probably never

gave them a fucking day off, so probably Monday didn't make much of a difference. Did they go to church on Sunday before Jesus? What was going on? Didn't that was back when they like fucking had the tree god and the fucking grass god, the sky god, the god of the rains, you know, when God was more diversified, you know? And then all those pedophiles all got together and they were like, no, no, no, there's only one God. And we talked to him. And everybody was like, yeah, I'm not doing that shit. And they go, all right, well, then we're going to fucking torture you to death. You know, because we're super religious and we're trying to save. This is all old shit. Everybody's gone through this bill. Shut the fuck up. Okay,

sorry. I don't know what why is Friday the 13th? Unlucky. I'm going to say it was Jesus. You know, you know, a bunch of great days, it seems, is Buddha. There's really nothing like, you know, he didn't have to fucking, there's always something there's a drought. You know, there was always something they always kind of went through something. My Buddha's just what was, you know, he's a he's a gamer sitting on the couch. This big belly, eating some fucking Fritos or whatever. Old school Fritos back when it was real Fritos, not this synthetic Fritos shit. All right, hang on a second. Why is Friday? What are your guests putting in? You got your Friday the 13th brackets ready?

Friday the 13th unlucky. Here we go. And the first answer. Oh my God, CNN. This is going to be a 20 fucking page. You know, there's a Friday every week fucking 10 minutes later. Can you just answer the fucking question? Here we go. Why is Friday the 13th unlucky? You typed according to biblical traditions. 13 guests attended the last supper held on Mon, Monty. Monty Thursday. Monty Thursday. Yeah, what the fuck. MAUNDY, including Jesus and his 12 apostles, one of whom betrayed Judas, betrayed him. See, the math doesn't work out on that. So if one guy was a cunt and the other 11 looked the other way,

how do you include Jesus on that? The next day, of course, was Good Friday. Oh, he did die on a Thursday. The day of Jesus' crucifixion. On the third day rose again. So he came back on a Monday. That's a pretty good work ethic. Took the weekend off. Yeah, listen, yeah, you gotta go back down there. What is Monty? See, this is like what happens. You know, I was talking to Joe Bartonik this weekend and we were both laughing about the word meta. And for the life of me, I just can't fucking remember what it means. And then when somebody explains it to me, I still don't get it. It's like, what is meta? It means, oh, it's commenting on itself. And it's like, okay,

what does that mean? All right, Monty. Can somebody just in layman's terms, meaning dumb person terms, can you explain to me what that means? Because that's, oh, yeah, did you just see it? Oh, it's so meta. It's aware of itself. Okay, we're getting closer. Okay, the ceremonial washing of the feet of poor persons in the commemoration of Jesus washing of his disciples feet. Wait, this is, I'm Christian. I don't know this. Do we wash poor people's feet? Now where I live, they're like, when you get this fucking tense city out of here, with they can take their tents and their dirty feet and take a fucking height. That's,

that's how it happens out here in Los Angeles, right? They need to do something about the homeless. When people say that, not help them. They mean, get the fuck out of here. All right, held on Monty Thursday. Okay, 13 guests attended the last supper held on Monty Thursday. So they were out washing poor people's feet. God, how dirty were feet back then? Jesus was in the year 32, like those must have been some, you know, and you didn't have any, there was no brushes. Oh, boy, did they have soap back then? Including, this is how you just lose a half a fucking day on the internet,

including Jesus and his 12 apostles, one of whom was Judas, Judas betrayed him. All right, wait a second. This is the last one I'm going to ask you. I'm just going to get off my fucking life here. All right. By the way, I'm up to Pimsler level five of my French and I'm getting my ass kicked in the past and future tenses somewhere along the line. I miss something and I'm just really getting killed. So I got to like stop and figure out what's going on. I think I need to get a tutor again. All right, when was soap invented? 2800 BC. All right. Okay, there we go. All right. Evidence has been found. Oh my God, can you imagine somebody digging around the dirt and just being able to know that?

Look at this. What is this? I don't know, a stone? No, no. I think this is prehistoric soap. How the fuck would you know that? And then you can kind of predict the year. See, this is why when there's people that level smart out there, this is what this really makes most of the internet confusing to me. But that's part of being dumb. Part of being dumb is you think you're fucking no shit. Like, I went to 12 fucking years of grade school, you know, had a little bit of college or maybe even had college, just walking around. It's fucking no shit. This guy doesn't know what the fuck he's talking about. This is one of my favorite things I heard growing up. This guy doesn't know what the

what do you say? I don't know what the fuck he's talking about. How come he doesn't know what he's talking about? He's in that field because he said he gave me an answer I didn't want to hear. Hence, he doesn't know what the fuck he's talking about. It's really amazing. All right. All right, strongest since 2015. Oh, that's what I wanted to talk about. I've been going back to the gym. Back. I am the strongest I have been since 2015 when I first fucked up my shoulders. I am ecstatic. I am gradually working my way through being able to climb up a rope again, like I used to do back in the day, getting some grip strength, pull ups, all of that shit. I've lost most of my COVID weight. The other night I did a show and I

busted out some shirt I haven't worn like three, four years. I know what you're thinking. Hey, Bill, wasn't it a little out of style? I've always been out of style. You know, you know, it's funny. It was a one of those Western style shirts that had like snaps on it, which I was in shape to wear that shirt standing up. But when I sat down, you know, when you wear a shirt with snaps on it, like if you're fat or too fat for the shirt, it like bunches up. And then, you know, your mistakes kind of poke through. Sitting there after my show hanging out with some people thinking, you know, all right, that was a good show. These people had a good time or whatever. And then I just looked down

and I just saw, you know, a box of Girl Scout cookies fucking poking out of my shirt. I was just like, yeah, God, I'm a fucking loser. But I've been really doing really well. Like I am, somebody finally explained what sugar does to your body. And I have that in my head every time I think of doing something stupid. Like I went out with my lovely wife today, doing what I wanted to do during this break, going out to dinner with her, seeing movies or whatnot. And went to this great restaurant. And in the end, she wanted to order, she goes, ah, you want to split a dessert? And I was like, no, I'm off, I'm off the sugar. It spikes your glucose. And when your glucose is spiked, it stops, it stops burning fat. And then you just sort of

retain it, something like that. The guy said something like that. I just don't, I just know I don't want to spike my glucose. If I did that, I would be meta. And somebody have to wash my feet on fucking wash your dirty feet Thursdays. That'd be a good thing for guys to do. Like every Thursday, fucking take a bath and scrub your fucking toenails. You know what I mean? Women go, women go to the, the footplace, right? They're allowed to do that. You can't do that as a guy, at least as a white guy. It's really looked down on pun. I will tell you black guys do it though. At least the black guys I was hanging out with a long time ago. And I did the rich bitch tour with the late great Charlie Murphy, Don L. Rawlings. Rich Murphy was on it. I remember one day they were

all going to the spa to get fucking their nails done. I swear to God. And I was laughing and they're going, no, man, you should come in fucking dirty ass white boy walking around. I'm like, what's wrong with my nails? They're clean. Like, no, you got to get like a manicure. So, you know, I was a fan of the Pope or Greenwich Village. And I remember when Mickey Rourke was sitting in the barbershop, what killed me was he looked so clean, but he was smoking a cigarette. So, you know, instantly he smelled like a fucking ashtray, but he had this great suit on. He'd fucking great lead in a movie actor hair. And then he was getting a haircut or something like that, the shave and everything. And someone was doing his nails because he was going to go

down and talk to bed bug it, bed bug Eddie. So I'm like, all right, I like the Pope or Greenwich Village. All right, I'll go down and I'll do this stuff. It was fucking hilarious. I sat across from these guys as they had their hands like soaking in the thing. I was fucking I was probably the most immature I've ever been. I was just laughing my ass off the entire time. And then I got the only time I've ever gotten a manicure and I couldn't wait to scrape that shit off my fingers. Like when we did the show that night, I was waiting for someone in the crowd to yell, you got your nails done. Just start getting heckled. It was really outside my wheelhouse. I don't even know how I even started talking about this. Oh yeah, every Thursday, you know,

that's a big thing though. I'll tell you younger fellas out there. You're younger guys, you know, you hook up with some broad, you don't have like dirty toenails. You know, if you got clean feet, that's that's a good goddamn move, man. You don't want to show over there, show up there like, you know, like Jesus needs to come back from the dead again on a fucking Thursday and wash your goddamn feet. All right, once you guys do that, how about every Thursday, you know, you look down, especially if you wear black socks, wear black socks, like at least your big toes are going to be a mess after three, four days. This is what this podcast has come to. I'm just giving grooming tips at this point. Football season's over. My kids dominate the television and I just keep taping

shit. The Bruins are having their best regular season ever. And I know they lost today five to three. I know they were down two, nothing the other night against, I think they had a home and home against the Red Wings. They came back and won maybe three to two. I don't know what talked to Bartnick about that. So I kind of know what's going on, but I have no idea what the fuck is going on. So now I've just started, I'm going to like tape the games because at night they're always, you know, my kids are always like, you know, I don't know, you know, if what I've done is I started, I started shutting them off. Like, but I don't want to put sports on because they were starting to resent sports and they were saying that they were boring because they're young.

You know what I mean? They don't understand like what's going on yet. So I don't want to turn them off to sports because then, you know, I'm going to have to get the TV out in the garage and just be that dad that, you know, in 10 years when they're doing whatever the fuck they're doing, it's like, oh, dad's watching sports. Go out to the garage, dad. No one cares about your sports, right? So, but lately I've sort of been shutting off their shows and I'll put on like ESPN, try to tape a few things, you know? I got the hiccups. Is that meta? Me commenting on the hiccups? No, I taped this thing in Unholy Rivalry or something. It was about the Yankees and Dodgers back-to-back World Series in 77, 78. They should have added 81 when Fernando came in and put them

over the top. But I just love that. That's when I, I think it's like the first World Series that I watched the entire thing. I vaguely remember the 75 series and my dad and my grandfather when he was still alive cheering. I vaguely remember that. But the World Series I really want to see. If anybody knows where there's like highlights or anything, you can send it to me. I would love it, is the 1976 World Series when the big red machine after beating the Red Sox in a seven-game thriller came back the next year and beat the New York Yankees four games to none. Just swept them. They did not have Reggie. Reggie, a lot of people forget. I believe was on the Baltimore Orioles that year because that guy in the A's didn't want to pay anybody. So he must have

played at least a year there because there is a baseball card of him playing on the Orioles. Which was just before my time. And then of course they came back and won. By the way, when I saw Serpico last week, there's two incredible stadiums. One at New York City College up in Harlem. And right after they shot the movie, they leveled it and put a building up. A really cool looking old stadium. I thought for half a second they were at, what is that Ivy League school? God knows I don't know those. Cornell, is that it? It all begins with a C. Columbia. Columbia, right? I think it's Columbia. I thought that's where they were, but they were actually at New York City College or something like that. And then there's another

great, great, unbelievable shot of the original Yankee Stadium right before they redid that one and turned it into the one, it became the house of Reggie Jackson. Whenever I think of the remodeled original Yankee Stadium, I just remember those Dodger Yankee World Series games and that white ball just disappearing into the black sky after Reggie hit it and then it just landing in the centerfield seats. And my favorite thing now to listen to is how Howard Cussell totally steps on Keith Jackson's call. He must have wanted to fucking kill him. Keith Jackson's like, oh, Reggie Jackson, there's a deep fly ball out to centerfield. And as he's doing that, Howard Cussell's going, that's gone. That ball is gone. It is gone. Reggie Jackson,

his third home run and unprecedented. I can't remember exactly what he said, but he just fucking jumped all over that call on purpose, a total cunt fucking move. And I would love to hear a recording of Keith Jackson calling his agent after that game. Hornily, if you put me with that two-page cock sucker one more time, I'm going to throw it down out of the fucking upper deck. Literally jumps all over that fucking call. So anyway, oh, I just got an email that has some new stand updates, ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen. You sound like Jamie Masata, ladies and gentlemen, Billy Burr, Billy Burr, ladies and gentlemen. He does it every time he calls me. The fuck is it? What the hell is my damn email?

All right. Oh, there it is. Oh, I got some new dates. I got some new dates for you guys. Oh, Billy's going back on tour. Show information, Saturday, June 24, 2023, Newark, New Jersey, at the Prudential Center, 8 p.m. Sunday, August 13, 2023. Holy shit. Oh, Canada. Halifax, Nova Scotia at the Halifax Citadel, Garrison Grounds at 8 p.m. The presale, I think for both of those is going to be Wednesday, March 15, at 10 a.m. local time. I don't know what that means. I would say, I would always guess 10 a.m. east coast. The artist code is Burr, B-U-R-R. The general sale was on Friday, March 17, at 10 a.m. local time. March 17, this Friday, everybody,

and everybody puts on their fucking plastic hats, right? And they start singing the green alligator, the long neck goose. Fucking amateur night. Once again, St. Patrick's Day is the Valentine's Day of boozing. Is a completely made up holiday. I know they're acting like they're showing respect to Irish people, but they're not with those stupid plastic hats. I know I say this every year. If you're going to go out drinking what you want to do, go out on the 18th. That's when you want to go. Well, I would actually wait for the puke smell to be mopped up. Maybe go out on the 19th, or maybe that Monday night, because it falls on Friday this year. That is going to be... I don't even know if there's really shit. I don't even know

what these kids do nowadays. I don't think that they're drinking the way we used to drink, which is a good thing, because booze was the only thing legal, and now there's just so much fucking legal shit. It's incredible. It really is incredible. And I have to be honest with you, like when you could just fucking sit down and take two puffs off some fucking joint that is going to send you into the stratosphere, why would you waste all the energy trying to down a six pack or whatever your fucking choice is? I don't know. Speaking of that, speaking of being social, old Freckles went to the SoFi Stadium on Friday night, and I saw Stevie Nicks and Billy Joel, and I could not have had a better time watching those two absolute legends crush it,

absolutely crush it for, I don't know how many hours. Stevie Nicks comes out and went thinking, like, all right, if she's open, wow, she's open, she's just going to do like 45 minutes. This is going to be wall-to-wall hits. She came out and sort of was like co-headlining, like she came out and did well over an hour, still played nothing but hits. And I was thinking like, you know something, she's going to do stop dragging my heart around, and she's going to do this tribute to Tom Petty and all that, that's going to be like a real tear-jerker and all that type of stuff. Instead, they start playing it, and as they're playing it, Billy Joel just comes walking out and sings Tom Petty's part. Everybody goes nuts. They killed

it. They sounded great together. And later on in her set, she picked a different song, which I thought was really cool that she did it then, because if she was showing a bunch of pictures of her and Tom Petty while Billy Joel was on stage, that would have gotten away. It was like a really, like whoever decided to do it that way was really smart. And she had all these killer pictures later on in her set of her and Tom Petty. Oh, the heartbreak is Stan Lynch when he was in the band. Oh, my God. I mean, those guys were just fucking top shelf, right? And then later on, I don't want to ruin the show. And now I'm thinking I'm ruining the show, because she did another tribute to her, was it Christie McVeigh? I'm not the biggest Fleetwood Mac fan, but like those pictures

were enough to make you tear up. You could tell they were sisters and best friends. It was just fucking awesome. And then Billy Joel comes out. And I don't know, does two, two and a half hours of nothing but hits just absolutely destroyed it. And I guess nothing too about Billy Joel is the guy is fucking hilarious. He's so relaxed. He's 74 years old. He plays like three number one hits. And then he just kind of looks around at so far because I'm assuming he's never been there. And he just kind of looks around. It's like, I don't know how many tens of thousands of people like fucking 70,000 people are sitting there screaming, he just kind of looks around like, that's a big place. He said it like he was sitting in the stands. Not like we were all looking at him.

I'm not going to tell you any of his jokes. He was amazing. And then later on, you know, Stevie Nicks came back. I was funny. I was sitting there thinking in the crowd trying to be the smart guy like I'm in business in show biz to the business of show. I'm thinking like, when he was like into his 10th song, I was like, I bet Stevie Nicks is home right now taking a bath. You know, the most underrated slot in show business opening. Everybody wants the headline. If you open, you get in there, you know, the crowd's cool. Get in, get the fuck out. It's fantastic. Fantastic. I was thinking that when I saw the Motley Crue Def Leppard thing with the poison, I was thinking that like Joan Jett is already back at the hotel, you know, ordered a little room

service, got the bubble bath going. And these guys are still waiting to fight like she's done. She could actually go out if she wanted to. It's fucking fantastic. But she, she hung around, she came out, she sang a song with him, the place fucking went nuts. And I may or may not have been on mushrooms, not a lot, but I kind of picked the perfect amount. And I was in a real fun section, you know, a lot of Malibu moms, a lot of Malibu people I felt were around me, you know, it's a lot of guys with older guys with ponytails and shit. I went with Josh Adam Meyer, dude, and we just had a fucking, we had a great time. Billy's band was killer. Stevie's band was killer. It was just like, and they were both like such pros, like both of

them took the time not only to thank everybody for coming out, they acknowledged because it was raining cats and dogs, you know. And they're like, you know, thanks for coming out in the rain and sitting through all the traffic and all just that old school showbiz shit, like, like they were raised right, you know what I mean? So anyway, I highly recommend, I'm so psyched that I saw him, Billy and Stevie, because it's like, they're still like, I'm telling you, man, they both of them singing their fucking asses off 100% worth the time, the money, the traffic and all of that shit. We had such a fucking great time, you know, met these moms from Utah. It was like that crowd, like moms bringing their kids and shit. It was just fucking fun. A lot of old white dudes playing

air piano, which I'd never seen in my life. There was this guy in front of us that like, I don't know how he was like older than me snuck booze in, he had a fucking fat joint. He kept turning around pointing at people having a great time. And oh, it was this one guy, man, he looked like, he looked like he was like, I don't know how old he was just white hair. And he still had it in a ponytail. And he was smoking the fattest fucking joint. And it was just filling up the whole section. And the security guard was yelling, hey, hey, you buddy, put the joint out. You can't smoke a joint. Oh, this shit was just looking at the guy being like, dude, what the fuck? I mean, the guy's like, he looks like he fought in Korea, man. He's still got the ponytail. He's keeping it. He can't listen.

And they literally walked security goes in there and people were going like, come on, man, you're not going to kick them out. Are you? And then the security guy goes, no, no, I just got to talk to him. He can't smoke in here. It's no smoking. I was like, all right. All right. This guy was probably at Woodstock. He's not grandfathered in to smoke a fucking joint. You know, it was weird, though. I didn't see him after fucking Stevie Nicks was kind of concerned. I'm like, wait, did they throw that guy out? Did they do the old, hey, we're not throwing him out? And then they threw him out. That old fucking trick. Do they people still do that trick? You know what I was thrilled about on my street? Excuse me, taking a drink there.

Somebody got their driveway repaved and nobody came by and wrote something on it. I fucking hate when people do that. You know what I mean? I feel like they should be hunted down and made to fucking fix the driveway or the sidewalk, you know, because it's never anything cool. For some reason, graffiti can be cruel, cool and can be like art, but someone who just writes in concrete, if they just write this stupid name, you know, or they write like who they're in love with forever and they write it in concrete and then like a week later, they fucking break up because they're only in the seventh grade. Actually had anxiety because the driveway was so beautiful. I was like, look at that. It's perfect. It's not one crack in it. No tree roots have pushed it up.

Oh, look how smooth that is. This is what happens when you get old. You get into that shit like, oh man, look at that guy's driveway. Like I don't want to go through the headache of getting a new driveway or the expense, but I am so envious when the job is complete. I'm just thinking to myself, that guy or that lady toughed it out, you know, with all those trucks fucking digging it up and hauling it away. And I thought you were going to pour it today. Oh, you can't it's going to fucking rainy. Deal with all that bullshit. Then it's fucking over. Then you're looking at it. Go, oh man, that's nice. That's a nice fucking smooth slab of concrete. All right, let's do some reads here. Shall we? All right. They all look who it is. Look who it is. It's not Jesus.

He hasn't come back to wash your feet and then yell at you because his dad made you the imperfect person that you are and he takes no responsibility for it. It's not him. Now, when I say him, God is the H is capitalized, right? Jesus always gets the lowercase. You know, he hit the glass ceiling, right? His dad never dies. He's never going to get that fucking corner office. All right, zip recruit zip. Oh, in honor of Good Friday, which has to be coming up soon, right? Let's do, we're going to do a little white church singing here. Zippery crew, if you were to start a new business, what would it be? If I would start a new business, I would start a fucking security camera business

that catches these punks writing on old guy's new fresh slab of concrete in that driveway. I wouldn't have a lot of cases. I'd be that lonely PE with that metal fan that can cut your fucking fingers off sitting on my desk with a matchstick lighter like Humphrey Bogart and the Maltese Falcon. I'd just be sitting there. But when the case came in, you'd know you could depend on me. All right, examples. Taco truck business. That seems like a fun job, but those guys work their fucking asses off. And I'm also thinking the amount of drunks they have to deal with. Here's to you, taco truck driver, a bouncy castle backyard parties and business. Oh, God, those snot nose kids fucking slopping and all over the things. You know, there's going

to be that one kid who's like twice the size for his fucking age, either because his kids are, you know, his parents are over feeding them, or they're just like that giant couple. Did we just see a giant couple like the woman's like six, two, and the guy's like six, seven? And they come in with their fucking giant kid. Kids walking in looking like a baby giraffe, fucking man torso, just slamming into kids. Hey, he's too big. He's only four. Okay, I thought he was 15. All right, let's see an animal rescue shelter. That's a good one. Some kind of charity, some kind of charity, shit, selling handmade wood products. Wow, we kind of ran out of businesses here, didn't we? You mean knickknacks?

Whether you're starting a new business or growing one. A shout out to you people fucking dealing weed. If you want it to be successful, you need the most talented people on your team. That's where Zip, comes in. And right now you can try it for free at ziprecruiter.com slash burr. Sorry. Why should you let Zip help you hire for your business? Why should you do that? I'll tell you why. Relax. It's not a rhetorical question. No, is it rhetorical? It is a rhetorical question. Zip recruiter's powerful matching technology finds highly qualified candidates for a wide range of roles. You got your eye on one or two people who'd be perfect for your job.

Don't worry. Zip lets you send them a personal invite. Hey, big boy, how would you like to type some letters for me? So they're more likely to apply. Zip recruiter also offers attention grabbing labels that speak to job flexibility like remote, training provided, urgent, free pistol. No, I'm sorry. And more to really help your job stand out. Let's fill all your roles with the right candidates. Four to five employers who post on Zip recruiter, get a quality candidate within the first day. You don't have time as money. If I learned anything from those p-ditty videos back in the day, money never sleeps, you got rising grind 24, 7, 365, fucking keep going, can't stop, won't stop, right?

Sorry, my throat is fucking dry. I didn't even know what I was talking about. You had a candidate within the first day. You need to get a candidate within the first day. You know something, remember that p-ditty show we had back in the day where we made those potential making the band? You know, you know why he doesn't do that show anymore? Because he's got fucking Zip recruiter. He can put a band together in one day. See for yourself, go to this exclusive website address to try Zip recruiter for free at ziprecruiter.com slash burr. Again, that's ziprecruiter.com slash burr. Spell it out. Z-I-P-R-E-C-U-I-T-E-R. Zip recruiter. The smartest way to hire. I didn't do a good Zip recruiter. The smartest way to hire. Oh,

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there would be like a horror genre movie there or a place where the Discovery Channel back in the day when they gave a fuck about nature before it was just, you know, people building shit. Hi, my name's fucking crazy fucking Johnson and I'm into Winnebago's. We're here to customize your fucking Winnebago's. You know, it's like they had Fast and Loud and they just did 50 shows just like it. I miss that show. I love that show. Faro, Faro Islands. Hey, Bob the Bill Burr. Oh, instead of the builder, Bob the Bill Burr. Can he fix it? I'm sorry to advance if I fuck up my writing. English is one of my five languages. Oh, Jesus. I like it. You speak five languages. You're allowed to talk a little shit. I mean, I can barely speak this one. I just said languages.

I'm a Faro East. Hey, watch how you throw that word with fucking word around, buddy. I'm a Faro East 26 year old male who's an electrician served in the Danish army and going to the Danish Navy to be an electrician there later this year. All right, you're in the Danish army and you're going to the, I was so blown away like how the fuck does this guy know English as well? It's amazing considering I'm struggling so much with my mofrose. Hey, you know what's funny? To Mapusi means you push me. You push me. Mapusi, that means you me push something like that. I don't know. That one's easy to remember. All right, I probably fucked that up too. I'm Faro East 26 year old male who's an electrician

served in the Danish army and going to the Danish Navy to be an electrician there later this year. I have a princess daughter who's four years old. Oh, that's nice. Look at you, young dad, man. She's going to see a lot of your life. That's great. Will me, okay. Who's four years old with an ex-girlfriend. All right, that's a little rough. Okay, I get it. Yeah, you're, you know. Oh my God, speaking of tall couples, the fucking Danes. How many meters is this kid already? I know meters is not how you say it, but whatever. All right. And being in the, the Navy will mean I will be two months at sea and two months at home with pay where I can enjoy every moment with my lovely daughter. Anyway, anyways, to the question.

I was listening to your MMP. That must be fun to be in the Danish Navy. Nobody's coming at you, right? What was the last time a Danish ship got fucking sunk? World War II? Going out to sea. As long as you're not on a submarine, man. I wouldn't get claustrophobic. I would just be like, guys, it fucking stinks in here. Anyway, where am I? I was listening to your MMP back in 2011, which I can't believe was 12 years ago. Jesus Christ. And you mentioned that Faroe Islands, a Danish-owned country, is one of the countries you wanted to visit or have a standup show in. I can assure you, you are well known here. Get the fuck out of here. As us Faroe East people

don't have much to do here other than listening to idiot Americans being triggered by dumb shit. It's hilarious. Yeah, it is pretty embarrassing. I think it's kind of over. You know what I like too is now the people that we're trying to cancel everybody are acting like nobody got canceled. It's like classic abusive behavior. They do it. And then when you call them on it, when the other shoe drops, you're like, what? That never happened. Yeah, what are you talking about? Like class is like your parents. You fucking did this to me. Well, I never did that. As I said, you are very well known here also in Denmark. Nice. I've been to Denmark a number of times. I told the cab driver there to go fuck himself too. Fucking passive aggressive little fucking pussy

he was. Well, he's actually a foot taller than me, but still remember he pulled over, he said something because the Americans are so stupid. Oh, I went off on him. I remember Nia dragging me out of the cab. You know, not like I was going to fight the guy. I just was just unloading on him. Oh, yeah, you're so smart. You drive a cab, you fucking giant cunt. Come on, Bill, let's go. We're in another country. No, fuck him. What kind of a dick would do like if some Danish guy came over here, even if I had some feeling about Denmark, I would never do that because then I would be like, every time somebody brings up America, he's going to talk about me being an asshole and how all Americans stink. I don't do that with Denmark. Just that fucking cab driver.

Anyway, we love staying up here and especially the yelling slash being annoyed slash complaining kind. So you won't have trouble selling seats. I mean, that's pretty much what I do. I will happily give you a tour in the islands. Hey, slow your roll here, buddy. I don't even know who the fuck. How do I know you're not that cab driver from all those years ago and you're going to fucking feed me to the penguins. I know you love motorcycles and I funny enough own two Suzuki's let's go riding in the mountains. Yeah, this guy's trying to murder me. Anyways, hope you read this and at the very least considering come back here. You know what I got to remember where the Faroe Islands are. Am I going to get in trouble if I go there where there must have been other people there before.

It's gonna be like when Beyonce goes to fucking Dubai, they're like, how could you go there? All right, hang on a second. Faroe Islands. Faroe Islands. All right. Oh, yeah, yeah, this is all this is part of the Nordic. That's the last one everybody forgets, right? The Faroe Islands. Like the not the Nordic, the Scandin part of Scandinavia is within the Nordic countries and Scandinavia is Finland, Sweden, Norway, Denmark and the Faroe Islands. I believe. I believe. I believe I can fly. The Faroe Islands are simply Faro's are a North American island group and an autonomous territory of the kingdom of Denmark. It's fucking amazing. England didn't try to take that. They just stopped at Scotland

and took all the potatoes in Ireland. I've all my life. I never knew that the fucking potato family was a genocide. No idea. I just thought it was like the dust bowl and they couldn't grow fucking potatoes. American public schools. They are located 320 kilometers north northwest of the United Kingdom and about halfway from Norway. The island is part of the kingdom of Denmark along with the demographic terrain is rugged subpolar subpolar. Hey, fucking. Oh, it's actually southeast of Iceland. Terrain is rugged. I don't know guys. Temperatures for such a northerly climate are martyred by the Gulf Stream. Okay, I'm back in. I'm back in 12 degrees Celsius, 54 Fahrenheit, five degrees Celsius, 41. I like this. Civil twilight during the summer nights is very short

and very short when you do. Oh, the northerly latitude also results in perpetual civil twilight during the summer nights and very short winter days. Oh, wow. Yeah, that'll fuck with you after a while. This is not answering what I wanted to. All right. I was trying to impress you guys that I knew a little bit of geography and didn't go the way I thought it was going to go. All right, we're just going to call that a loss because I'm not going to fucking type with one hand. I'm not going to try to type Scandinavia with one fucking hand. I couldn't do it with two. So, you know, it's part of being 54. You give up on your dreams, you know your limits. All right, TSA security check. Hey, Bill, love your podcast. Thank you. I just went through TSA security in

Detroit and it made me think of you. I'm pregnant, so I opted out of the full-body scan machine. The TSA agent was very polite to me, but also tried to tell me that it was just a sonar machine. I declined. It was given a full patdown and sent on my way. A sonar machine? The only sonar I know is drums. Played by the great Phil Rudd. Played by the great Steve Smith. Who else is a sonar artist? My fucking brain is going to mush. The TSA agent was very polite to me, but also tried to tell me about a sonar machine. Oh, you mean like trying to find whales, like a fish finder? Really? I've been trying to fact check that statement for the past 20 minutes and I found nothing. Anyway, all the best to you and your family. Well, good for you. Good for you, you know?

That's, you know, I'm not saying all TSA people are bad, but that person definitely should be selling used cars if that's what the fuck they're saying. What is a sonar machine? Oh, S-O-N-A-R. But it's said the same way, right? All right. Finding a couple of buddies. All right. Finding a couple of buddies. Hey, old Billy Bale bags. Ball bags. Sorry. Isaac, going here. Finding a couple of buddies. Hey, old Billy ball bags. I'm 40 years old, happily married, have a good career, play tennis regularly. Look at you. Look at you, you fucking snooty cunt. You posh cunt, as they say over in England. You play tennis regularly. Oh, do you? You playing your Wimbledon whites? Huh? You fucking playing a grass surface? You

fucking cozy cunt? What's your thread count on your sheets? I own a home and two rental properties. Well, look at you and live in a great neighborhood in North Carolina. Oh, bluegrass coat courts. Moved here about 20 years ago from New York. Oh, this guy was ahead of the fucking curve. Oh my God. I can't imagine the house that you bought. If you had New York money and then moved to North Carolina 20 years ago, surprise, it didn't immediately make you the mayor. Um, I've been disabled since birth. Oh, Jesus Christ. You know what? There's always a fucking left turn. What do you mean you're disabled and use a wheelchair? Fuck. Generally, I'm crushing it out there. Yes, you are. And life is good. Wait a minute. You're in a wheelchair

and you're playing tennis? What? You play tennis regularly. Do you play against another guy in a wheelchair? What are you going to those old people fucking carts that zip around like 20 miles an hour? You bet your baseline game must be incredible. One thing seems to be missing, finding a couple of close buddies. Wait a minute. You're playing tennis. Who are you playing with? He said, I didn't have much to do. I didn't have too much difficulty making friends as a kid or have too much difficulty, wait, or in college in New York. I do have a couple of guys that I hang out with once in a rare while, but have had few consistent friends since college. I mean, I was so fucking psyched for this guy now. Okay, all right, we got to help this person here.

I do think being in a wheelchair has limited opportunities to some extent, but I know that it's not the whole story. People have careers, families and are busy, but also get set aside, but also can set aside guy time too. What's a guy got to do around here to find some dudes to hang out with? Thanks and go fuck yourself. Oh, I see what happened. This is what happened. Oh, you're happily married. I thought you were the person that stayed single. If you stay single in your 40s, by then everybody's pretty much locked down and then living a life and you just don't have, look at me. I mean, look how great the Bruins are playing. I don't even have time to fucking do that. Forget about go down the street, get my ass kicked by some guy in a fucking 30 mile an hour wheelchair,

whatever you're doing. Are you hustling these people when you're playing fucking tennis? Is that what it is? You took all their money and like, you know what, fuck that guy. What's a guy got to do? Well, I mean, first of all, you're playing tennis in North Carolina. I would think that's a very small portion of the population and I am going to get stereotypical here. Stock cars isn't what it used to be. That's a tough one. You're also married. You got a good career. You got two rental properties. You got any kids? Is it because you don't have kids? You know what I would do? I would fucking, I would cast a wide net. I would literally look at, you know, how to meet people, you know, things to do for 40 year olds,

start there, knowing that you're not going to do 99% of that, just to kind of give you like a direction to point, you know, your chair and sorry, I got to go with the material you give me, buddy. If I was 40, wish I was 40, and I moved to a new area, I didn't have any friends, usually the local bar. You want me to barfly? I would explain, do you have any other hobbies? Tennis, that's a rough one. I feel like tennis peaked like 40 years ago. When everyone was into Jimmy Connors and McEnroe and Bjorn Bork, I just feel like, you know, there's probably more women playing tennis, because I feel like the, well, you went into Pete Sampras, and then there was that other guy,

and then there's that other guy, Nadal, right? You know. Ah, dude, you got me here. You know what? I'm going to do your fucking homework for you, North Carolina. Here we go, I'm going to do this with one fucking hand here. Yeah, things, wait, how, casting a wide net, how to meet people in North Carolina, in there, 40s, no clan members, please. All right, date my age, meet travel mates, 10 best dating, dating, meet new friends, over 40 groups, Raleigh, North Carolina, the capital. Here we go. Join, meet up. Let's see here. Triangle, 30s, 40s, 50s, social fun group, Chapel Hill Durham, fun with friends, women who laugh over 40.

LAFF. I don't know what that stands for. Classy ladies, mid 40s, 50s, like you're not trying to fuck around here, urban, 40s, 50s, 60s, LGBTQ, Carolina aging, triangle. There's a bunch of people my age, living life large, singles, six singles at seven, ladies brunch. All right, so this fucking website stinks. All right, all right, okay, hang on a second, hang on, how to make friends and meet people as an adult, make friends through volunteer work. There's an ambulance, an ambulance, there's an abundance. I said there's an ambulance, there's an abundance of volunteer opportunities anywhere you live in North Carolina. Volunteering, there you go. There you go. I gave you a lead, try volunteering. It's a good thing to do,

it makes you feel good. And then you can meet other nice people that actually give a shit about other people unless they're running a corrupt charity, which it doesn't happen. All right, etiquette. Oh, I forgot to mention, you know, I just watched Jimmy Kimmel's monologue on the Oscars, I thought it was fucking great, the tone of it was perfect. You know, he was funny, little self deprecation, he's poking fun at people, but he's not going too hard. No one jumped up on the stage, I think it was all right. Etiquette, hail groundskeeper Billy. I went to a Halifax Mooseheads hockey game, that sounds fun, on the weekend and had the absolute privilege to sit behind one of the opposing team's players' parents, number 25 to be exact. After the Moosehead jumped

up to a 5-1 lead in the first, things started getting a little chippy. For some pretext, the Mooseheads play in the QMJHL, which has teams in some very small towns and cities. Halifax has one of the largest cities in the league, also one of the largest in boisterous fan bases. The players age ranges from 16 to 20. So the NHL, this is like hoop dreams, but the NHL, that being said, Halifax was playing a team from a city of about 20,000 people. So for some of these younger players from smaller towns, this is their first time playing in front of larger crowds. There was just under 9,000 people at the game, that's pretty impressive. And they all decided that they hated number 25, whose parents, I was sitting behind, sitting behind. He had slew footed one of our

players, well that'll do it. Took some dumb penalties and was taking all kinds of shit on the jumbo tron. Still being down 5-1 by the way. He was trying to draw players into fights and taking penalties. He's the guy who stirs it up. As the booze rained down on him, every time he touched the puck, his mother would cheer as loud as she could. That's a great mom. So my section would boo louder than any other section to drown out or cheering. I'll give this lady some credit. She was able to withstand the barrage of your sons of bum. Wow, heckles for two periods until she got up with 5 minutes into the third period. See that? See that, Michael Moore? With your fucking fairy dust that you sprinkle over Canada like they're all these fucking nice

people? They're animals. Fucking animals. Having said that, I wish I saw that. I wish I was at that game. Anyway, oh no, I shouldn't have said that because the next sentence says she got up with tears in her eyes and walked up the stairs to a round of sarcastic applause from my section. Wow. Alcohol, everybody. Takes a lot of courage to cheer for your son in a losing game after he became the punching bag for the entire crowd. The dad just sat in his seat and enjoyed the game, almost embracing the booing. You know what? He's got really well-balanced parents. You know, good for that number 25. Just wanted to get your thoughts on this. Were we too hard on the mom or is that what you get when you cheer for the away team? No, that's what you

get if your kid's out there slew-footing people. I mean, you know, she needs to toughen up a little bit, but not too much because I bet she's a great mom. I mean, I gotta be honest with you, man, that's a hell of a mom. You know? Anyway, come back to Halifax soon, Bill. Been 10 years since you came up here with Verzi. Has it really? Anyway, go fuck yourself, you red cunt. Well, thank you. Wait a second. Did I just say I was going up to Halifax? I am. Just as you requested, August 13th, I'll be up there and I will not be slew-footing anybody. I have a feeling there's a number of there's a number of people right now looking up slew-foot. Anyway, it's just basically you kind of skate up beside a guy. You get yourself parallel with them. You stick your leg behind

his legs and then you put the elbow slash arm in the chest and you just kind of go, you just trip them. You basically trip them backwards. You know, you can really hurt somebody doing it. It's a fucking dirtbag move. And if you do it in the opposing arena, people are going to get booed. If you do it in the hometown arena, they're going to be like, that wasn't a penalty. And that's how it works. All right, that is the podcast, everybody. Oh, Billy fucking is working out. He's got his freckled ass back in shape. I could go on tour, get on stage now and I would look all right. But I plan on, I'm not stopping, man. I'm fucking going until I'm shredded like I was way back in the day. Oh, Billy fucking, I have not had, I told you last time I had abs. I had abs right up until

I was about 27, 28 years old. And somebody introduced me to chili cheese fries and I ate them and the next day my belly was distended and it never came back. That was the last fucking time. I remember where I was and I could never get it to come come back. So I'm working on that. I had a good four big Macs sitting on my stomach for a long fucking time and I'm down to the last one, the hardest one. You know, I got the little cunt belly, the little, you know, the top, if you're counting your abs starting from the top left one, two, three, four, five, it's five and six of the motherfucker, more so than seven and eight. You know, the pubiscus ab abdicators, what does abs even stand for? Abductus is recordus, can't calculate records. Whatever the fuck you call them. Those are the

hard ones. Ab seven and eight, you know, one and two, impressive three and four. Hey, look at you, eyebrows up, you get, if you get, if you can get seven and eight, no, six, no, five and six, if you can get five and six, you have seven and eight. That's just how that works. Do I sound crazy good? Because I am. All right, that's it. Go fuck yourselves and I'll check in on you on Thursday. Come on, where the fuck's the button?