Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 3-14-16

Episode Date: March 14, 2016

Bill rambles about World War II Leaflets, Los Angeles and painting your own home.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday Morning Podcast from Monday, March 14, 2016. How you doing? How's it going? How are you? Oh, look at you. Wow, you look great. Did you lose a few? Is that a new blouse? What did you do? You did something different. Is there anything worse than watching somebody do that? You know, coming up and they take the two women meet, right? And they grab each other by both hands, right? And then they look at you and they fucking hold their hands out. I think I've talked about this before. Look at you. What are you doing? You know, secretly hating the woman because she looks better. You know, I can't you be like, guys, we just look each other. Ah, guys are pussy.

I don't know what I'm talking about. Oh, Billy fucking cuisine over here. I wanted to try to make gnocchi this week. I know how the fuck you're supposed to pronounce it. It doesn't seem too fucking hard, right? So anyways, we got these old pants, right, like everything in my life. It's fucking old, right? I'm old and everything I own is old because I bought it when I was young. So I guess the Teflon or whatever the no shit, whatever it was, it had scraped off over the years and was flaking up and somebody told my lady that it was getting in our foods. And now, of course, oh my God, we got to get rid of it. We're going to get cancer. You know, we're eating Teflon fucking omelettes, evidently. I don't know. I didn't taste it. My fucking omelettes are the

delicious. I didn't feel any, you know, crunchy. Like, wait a minute, what was that? What was that? Was that onions or was that part of the frying pan? I can't tell. It's such a similar taste. Eggs and parts of the frying pan. You know, I don't know. I figured, you know, with the amount of booze that I do, whatever that Teflon that went into my system got eaten up by the fucking my liquid diet, right? Well, whatever. So now we got to go get a fucking frying pan. So I go, all right, you know, we have one nice one and then we had like three shit ones. So the three shit ones, I guess, were given us cancer because someone who isn't a doctor saw the pants and told us that that was what was happening. So we threw those out. So I'm sure those are going

to be fucking hitting some octopus on the fucking head when they dump it into the ocean soon enough. And now I'm going to go buy some more, right? I already had what I needed and I threw it out. So now I got to go buy some more, right? Classic fucking capitalism. That's how it works. That's how we keep it going. That's how we keep the plate spinning. You go out, you buy what you need, and then when you have it, you throw it out and then you'll rebuy it. And the second people stop doing that, this whole country goes down the shitter. That's it. That's how simple it is. All these fucking stupid terrorists over there, you know, who think they got to come over here and bomb us. All they got to do is just start sending leaflets over here telling us not to buy

stuff. Hey, wait, you already own that. You don't need to buy that. Keep the money. Treat yourself. Put your feet up. Don't go to the mall. Relax. Just send propaganda like we used to in the wars, right? We drop little leaflets. You know, I would love to read one of those. Is everything got any fucking pictures of those wartime leaflets to try to get people? I don't understand how the fuck you're going to do that. I don't think I could ever fly over Yankee Stadium with leaflets telling people to become Red Sox fans. So like, how do you during a fucking war when the country that's bombing your country is going to send you a leaflet? What the fuck does it say on it? Yeah, hey, sorry about most of your relatives. Anyways, you want to come over

to our side? We could get you a sandwich. Damn fucking smoky. All right, let's see. World War II leaflets, leaflet propaganda. All right, let's read a couple of these. Let me see if this would make you fucking switch sides. Go from Red Sox to Yankees or fucking Dodgers to Giants, or fucking Avalanche to the fucking Red Wings or Michigan to Ohio. All right, you get it. All right. Oh, Jesus Christ, look at this one. Why are you Germans still fighting? Now, that's that's no way to get the reader. The question is extremely difficult to answer. Did they understand that these people spoke German? You're going to write it? This is almost over my head and I speak the fucking language.

Why are you Germans still fighting? Why are you Germans still fighting? The question is extremely difficult to answer. In fact, there is no reasonable answer to it at all. You go on fighting, although you cannot. I should really fucking click on the page here so I can read this a little bigger. Oh, and then it always disappears. Doesn't it always disappear? You just click on it where they go. Okay, there we go. All right, you go on fighting, although you cannot help but realize that Germany is losing the war. Wow. Jesus, this would make me want to be a fuck these fucking assholes. You go on fighting, although you know that every day which the war still lasts means new destruction to your homeland, new danger and new hardships to your family.

You go on fighting, although it is clear that the only people interested in the prolongation of the war. Someone's going to read that in a second language. I can't even read it. Prolongation of the war are the party leaders who want to delay at any price, the consequences which the Nazi defeat is inevitably going to have for them personally. In other words, we're going to hang them. Remember that your dear ones want you back alive. Remember also that there is only one safe way home, the way through allied captivity. You know, we had a lot of balls dropping these after we were firebombing fucking cities, huh? Yeah, you know, we just burned your whole fucking city to the ground and evidently you didn't die

screaming in agony. The only way for you to avoid that is to become our prisoner. According to the Geneva Conventions, which has been recognized by Brazil, you will have the following privileges in allied captivity. Jesus, this is the classic checks in the fucking mail. You will be removed immediately from the battle zone. You will get the same food as allied troops. If sick, you will be treated in the same hospitals as our soldiers. And after the end of the war, you will go home as soon as possible. Well, that's pretty vague. As soon as we decide when you can fucking leave. Did anybody believe a word of that? I didn't. I wouldn't do that. You know what the fuck you

want these fucking guys are doing? They want us to surrender because they don't want us to kill more of them. They're just going to fucking kill us. You know what I say? Kill's better than kill us. He speaks the truth. That was me in a foxhole with the Boston accent talking to somebody who sounds like Hans and Franz. How'd you like that? You didn't think that was coming on the old podcast there, did you? The fuck did I start talking about World War Two leaflets? I was talking about buying a frying pan. Oh yeah. So I get down the street driving down the old road there. Okay, it's a Sunday evening. I'm like, you know what? I'm going to knock this shit out before Monday comes around and all these assholes have to go to work. You know what I mean?

Oh, I'm sorry. It's an election year. All these hard-working Joe Six packs. They put that pants on one leg at a time. Anybody who's in my way is an ass. They're a cunt. Okay. And I wish I was more enlightened to realize that I'm just impatient, but that's, you know, it hasn't happened yet. So anyway, so I'm driving down the fucking road, cruising along, you know, and all of a sudden, you know, they're doing road construction and it's just this massive fucking traffic jam. And I knew I had to do the podcast tonight because I'm doing some bullshit tomorrow morning. And I'm just like, can you get this fucking city? Can it just ever give you a fucking break? You know, I got to tell you something. All this shit when they talk about New York, you know,

if I can, oh, that shit, you know, they're always blowing New York about how fucking difficult it is. I got to tell you, okay, as an outsider from Massachusetts, I've lived in both places. New York has definitely has its way of grinding you down, but there is no place like fucking Los Angeles. Dude, this, this fucking city is, it's just, it's brutal. It's just fucking, it never, never lets up, you know, and then the whole time you're just baking in the sun of the exact same weather every fucking day. And everybody on the East Coast comes out here and they're like, here for five, six days. Oh my God, this is great. This is great. Yeah, it is great for six days. It's fucking great. But every day, waking up that fucking son, son, son, burning down on your

fucking head. I'm telling you, this fucking place, and you combine that with being in this business that I'm in, trying to fucking move ahead. It is, it is brutal. It's fucking brutal. And all that shit, you know, I can't tell you how many fucking New York comedians have moved out here and then move back. I moved back. The first time I came out here, I couldn't take it. I was like, I gotta get the fuck out of here. I'm telling you, they're always so, oh, you know, New York is so fucking real. Oh, fuck you. Fuck you. Bullshit. You couldn't take it. You couldn't take it. And you wanted to move back to your familiar surroundings to only be 20 minutes away from your grandmother's special sauce. That's why the fuck you move back. All right, you dumb fucking leather coat.

Oh, the pizza sucks out here, you know, I'm telling you, if I had to vote, which is the tougher city to live in, I would definitely say Los Angeles over New York. It is fucking catches on fire out here. There's mudslides, there's fucking earthquakes. You know, in New York, what's great about I'm just talking basically trying to make it in show business to live in New York in show business, which is what is great about it is, is you can get on the subway and stand amongst a bunch of regular people, real people, right? And then you get to feel this feeling that that you're real, that you're not this big showbiz fucking phony who wants their own goddamn TV show. Yeah, New York, it's so fucking real. Look at that chair. Look how real that fucking chair is, right?

I just think because, you know, everybody's all mixed into fucking gathered, you're right in the subway that these New York showbiz people, they just automatically think that they're, they're, you know, everybody here is all plastic and phony because you come out to LA and the whole place looks like a fucking movie set, right? You sit there, you know, you'd ride on the subway and you sit next to some fucking, I don't know, some construction worker, union guy with his hard hat getting ready and you start yeah, yeah, one of these guys, no, no, you're not, you're in show business, you're a big fucking phony, right? You're on your way to puppeteer school or whatever the fuck it is you're doing your little song and dance because you don't want to have a job.

Sorry. I shouldn't have said all that shit, but you know, I really shouldn't have said that having seen all the bullshit that I've seen like, you know, Bernie Sanders talking about, I don't know what the fuck he was talking about, like, I don't think it's, you know, a good way to try to bring black and white people together by talking about how white people have never lived in a ghetto because automatically you're just going to put them into a defensive posture where they're going to sit there and think about all the shit that they've gone through and then they're going to get upset, you know what I mean? Yeah, I don't, generally speaking, white people do not live in ghettos, although I think other

races of people do not live in the middle of fucking nowhere off of the Appalachian Trail, you know, washing their clothes in a fucking bathtub, sharing a pair of shoes, some of that fucking horrific poverty that I've seen that most of these fucking politicians will never see. I don't think it's one of these fucking politicians. They should go on the road and open for a fucking comedian who's traveling to all these different things. You will see shit. You can't fucking believe you'll see levels of poverty. You can't fucking believe exist in this country. I don't want to name cities, but there's some places down south, Jesus Christ. I remember one time I drove from Indianapolis to Nashville, and there was some place in southern

Kentucky. I was running out of gas and I pulled over and the fucking humanity. My God. I swear to God, there was something in the fucking drinking water. I've never seen it. It was just like, how do I describe these people without just absolutely insulting them? I don't know. It was just like, you know, when somebody's like so dumb, you get nervous, you know, they start talking to you and they're looking at you and you can tell they're just smart enough that they know that you think that they're dumb and you're trying not to fucking give it away. You know, so you just kind of put your eyebrows up like, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, you try to get out of the fucking conversation. Yeah, it was like an entire gas station of that,

even the person running the gas station. And this was off a major highway, you know, there was a subway, you know, you know, when you're driving the middle of nowhere, you don't ever go into just some fucking, you know, mom and pop place. You don't want to do that. What you do is you stay, you stay brand loyal. You pull into the McDonald's, right? You get gas at the fucking Sonoco or whatever, you keep it fucking. Yeah, you want to get breakfast? You want to try the mom and fucking pop place where everyone's going to fucking turn around and look at you? Or we go into Denny's? You know? Anyways, I really should be talking about politics because I literally do not watch any of it. I know it was all that bullshit with Trump. I don't understand

why people won't let Trump speak and how you feel that that's going to derail his campaign. I think if anything, it'll just strengthen it. I'm sure there's probably plenty of Trump people that don't like what Bernie Sanders or Hillary say and they're not going in there and literally disrupting the whole fucking thing, right? I don't know. Just seems stupid to me. He's a fucking reality TV show star. Just let the guy talk. Who gives a shit? He's not really saying anything. He's appealing to some people. Who the fuck votes in a primary anyways? Aren't you guys like me? I vote once every fucking four years. I hate to say it, but I do. I vote once. I vote for president. That's what I vote for. And I always vote for the fucking third party person.

Although I don't know about Bernie Sanders. I don't know if I'm going to fucking vote for this guy. I'm just sick of it. You know, hey, you know, we're going to take all the money from fucking these 10 people and give it to all you guys because all you guys deserve it, right? None of you guys are lazy cunts who don't want to pull their own way. You're all angels. You're angels and everybody up there is devils, right? That dumb shit. It's just as extra. It's fucking Donald Trump to the left. I can't listen to any of it. And then sitting right in the fucking middle drafting behind both of them is all fucking square head herself. Hillary Clinton, she's going to fuck. She's going to go right in underneath, right in underneath. She's going to

get in there and you're going to have listened to that fucking busted trumpet for fucking the next four years. Fucking filthy, filthy family. I don't like any of them. All three of them. You know what? You ever see on the Donald Trump show when he does like a combo firing? You know what? You're fired. You're fucking fired and you're fired. That's what I would like to do with the three of them. Dost them in the fucking. I can say that because I only vote once every four years and I do not watch the debates. All right? So you know I'm standing on firm ground here. Such a dope. Hey, you know what I did do? God knows it wasn't read something. I watched on Netflix. I watched that Ukraine documentary, Winter on Fire. It was just one of those things where I was just like Jesus

Christ. I knew I wasn't politically active, but watching what these people did, what they turned around, I'll try to give you a simple version of what happened, which you know with my brain, that's all you're going to get is basically what happened. I guess around 2003, 2004. There was some fucking Russian dude, pro Russian dude. He claimed that he won the fucking election and they're like, now you're dead and your piece of shit. You rigged it and they proved it and he got bounced. Well, in 2009, the same dude comes back and guess what? He wins the election. Like that wasn't corrupt. So anyways, the Ukraine has a chance to join the European Union, right? To start being more like a European country. And once and for all, get out from underneath

whatever you call, whatever Russia has a dictatorship. So the fucking Russian dude who allegedly got elected legitimately, you know, listens to the people and they say that that's what we want to do. We don't want to take a step towards Russia. We want to become part of the European Union. We want to have a future here like what we see going on in Western Europe. And all of the fucking politicians go, you got it. All right, the people have spoken. We're going to do what you said. And what do you think happened? Right in the midnight hour, they gave me all right there, Fred. They're like, yeah, you know what, we're not signed to that. And we're going to go hang out with old Vladdy Daddy over there, Putin,

Vladimir Putin, and we're going to fucking shoot 18 holes of golf with him. And we're going to sell out your country to the riskies. So started off this whole fucking revolution. I'm not going to say what the fuck. I mean, you got to watch it. It's unbelievable. But you know, I mean, it's not like it's not in the news. I mean, they ended up winning. They somehow ended up winning. And these fucking people had no weapons. They were just getting shot at. What I don't understand. I mean, I do understand it, but I, there's no place in the world where you can protest. You can't do it. You protest, cops show up and they beat the fuck out of you until you go home. And they arrest a few. And then that's it. Everyone happens in this country, this country with all

it's home with a free home with a brave freedom of speech. You know, those fucking occupy Wall Street people, right? They come down there, they beat the fuck out of them. Everybody knows the old trick. The same shit that they was they were claiming they did in the Ukraine where basically when you have a peaceful demonstration, it's like, well, fuck, we can't beat the fuck out of them. What should we do? They hire a couple people to go down there and pretend to be the protesters. They throw a couple of fucking rocks. And then the cops go nuts. And then on the news, they're like, the protesters started attacking the police, you know, the police were just doing their job, but blah, blah, blah, blah, the police's job is to go down there and beat the fuck out of them.

Right. Isn't it? Isn't that what it is? Jesus Christ, Bill, I don't know, Bill, what do you know? I don't know. That's, that's kind of what I got out of it. I got out of it that it was an amazing documentary that these people actually was basically no fucking weapons and just, you know, died, lost their eyes, had all these horrific fucking injuries, got kidnapped, disappeared, all of this horrific shit. And they were able to hold them off for a while. So then the fucking Russian guy ends up having to leave, right? He fucking leaves and then we did it. He's a jolly good fellow. It's all fucking over. And then all of a sudden out of nowhere, this, this other revolution starts of people who are pro Russia.

So once again, all they did was they just had Russian troops pretend to be Ukrainians and say, wait a minute, we don't want to be free. We want to be oppressed, right? So now I guess they've, they got to fight that thing. And since, since the documentary had been made like 6,000 Ukrainian people died, but I don't understand why. If you just look at the United States of America, the amount of money you can still make if you're up on top, the amount of taxes you can get out of paying, the amount of perks that you can fucking have and just pass it on to the middle class. I don't understand why, like why Russia still does the whole fucking dictator thing or why any country does just set it up the way we set it up. You pretend that people, you know, you give them,

you know, you let them be as free as they can be, you know, you do the whole rhetoric and but basically there is still a ruling class and you don't have to pay your fair share and all that fucking shit works out. And we know you're doing it. But as long as you know, you let us drive down the street in a convertible, you know, listen into some tunes, man. I mean, somebody's got to run it. I don't want to fucking do that shit. You know, all of a sudden make decisions. I don't even like running my own website. There's no fucking way I could be sitting there making decisions for in a whole goddamn country. I don't want to do that. You know, what, what, what, what, what is, what is that like every fucking day waking up? Another goddamn problem. That's why I think that's why

you can't have a dictator. That's why they're all so brutally mean. After a while, they just get sick of answering questions. What's the problem? Where I just fucking shoot them. All right. I don't, I don't care. I said fucking shoot them. Put them in jail. Fuck, I got to do everything around here. I'm sick of hearing about it. Anyways, so if you get a chance, I don't try to say here is if you get a chance, check out Ukraine winter on fire. And I don't know, I should really start paying attention to politics more, but I, I just think it's all bullshit. I can't, I can't sit there and listen to it. I start screaming at the fucking TV. And I get all fucking upset. So why would I do that? And then I end up with

three fucking options, none of which I want. You know, I do have to tell you watching old fat boy there from New Jersey, Jesus Christ, the look on his face when he was fucking listening to Donald Trump, that was the funniest fucking shit ever. That looked like a shotgun wedding. And all he was thinking is I don't fucking, I don't fucking like, how did I get myself into this? How do I get out of this? You know, Jesus Christ, how much did he fucking binge eat that night? Poor guy. That's really bad. It's gotta be, you know, what sucks about being fat is people just know it, you know, you can't hide that shit and just boom, they just fucking write on it. You know, what me, oh, I guess me, I'm a bald headed motherfucker. So I got that now. But when I

was younger, well, then I had orange hair, orange, then turned red. Yeah, you know, I kind of got shit the whole time. You know, if I really look back at it, all right, save you just some regular brown hair, brunette fucking, you know, I'm just, you know, when you think about Chinese people, right, because they don't they are there any redheaded like naturally redheaded, naturally aspirated Chinese people hang on a second here, natural, red, head, Chinese. Nine natural redheads from different backgrounds. The forever war, why a Chinese girl has red hair? Well, because there was a fucking military base nearby, I would think. All right, the forever war, why a Chinese girl has red hair. When you zoom out of history to the

level where empires rise and fall, and people migrate, conquer, collapse, and absorb and disappear, and disappear, you find that the story is always the same, that what the tall stock, tie stock, the original stock is light, non black hair, non brown eyes, fair skin. Well, am I on a racist website? The fuck am I reading here? Um, the others are darker, the others are weaker, but breed faster. Oh, there we go. I saw the red flags. The fuck is the name of this website? Koanic soul, life to the Neanderthal death to the void. Christus Rex, the forever war, why a Chinese girl has red hair. Oh God, the fucking internet is amazing. I just the fact that he's gives every including me just

bunch of fucking dopes. Why are blonde and red hair colors not seen? Can an Asian and a natural redhead have ever redheaded Asian? Look at this shit, the redheaded Chinese girl, Asian red hair on Pinterest. The world's first Asian redhead. So I'm going to go out on my limb and say that they don't really don't have any blondes or any of that type of shit. So I was just thinking, do you think that people get less shit? Like what do you get bullied for in, uh, in China? Oh God, please let there be some fucking native Chinese people listen to this. What are the two give me the top fucking 10 reasons that Chinese people get bullied in China? It's probably the usual shit, economic. That's going to be looks, right? There's always going to be better looking mediocre.

And then there's always going to be some poor bastard coming down the street, you know, something fucking happened. I don't know. Something's going on with his nose, his fucking ears. There's the kids, they'll, they'll, they'll find something. You, but you would think, you know, if everybody just had the fucking jet black hair, and maybe I'm more overly sensitive to this because I just came, you know, I came on the, I came in the world of bullseye, right? Right there. There you go. What the fuck is that? Get it, right? Um, this has been a fucking crazy podcast, huh? And I don't have any advertising yet. I, this is usually the time that I tap out and I start fucking reading, but it hasn't come in yet.

It has not come in yet. Let me see. I'll look it up right now. See if I got it. Ah, why don't I always have 50 fucking windows open? Now I got a French book here that I was reading. I wasn't reading. I was listening to it. There's a book, something about a wolf that wanted to change its colors. I've gone 15 or 16 straight days on, uh, Duolingo asked me to say something in French. I can't really, but you know what? I can read it pretty well. Um, for God, I know that that means for children poor on false children. All right. What am I doing? I'm completely losing my train of thought here. Oh, fuck. Here's something. Here's a window.

This is the amount of shit I look at one window. I have French school books. All right. And then the next window I have critical engine opened up on wikipedia. I was talking to Paul Verzi because we're doing this tour. And I was saying like, all right, these are going to be like four, five hour drives, or we could rent a small plane, but it's going to be maybe two, two and Paul's me. I don't, I don't, I don't like, I don't like small planes starts freaking the fuck out, right? Like small planes thinking it's like a Chevy Chevette. It's a piece of shit. Like it's not, it's going to die. And I was saying like, too, but it's going to be a dual engine. We're going to be fucking fine. Um, you got two engines. I mean, the odds are them both fucking failing at the same

time. And one of them can still fly the plane. You're fine. This is what I believed. But then I started looking it up because I was trying to give him some information. I was saying like, look, I mean, I don't 100% know this ship, but this is what I've basically been told. And I started looking it up. And evidently, uh, one engine for the most part is more critical than the other. And also when one engine goes out, it isn't like he just keep flying it normally. Well, you know, we still got one. We're good. Like that. Obviously, you know, it, it fucks with the, not the balance. What would it be? I don't know how to say it scientifically. It's not a jet engine. So there's no like thrust. Is there?

Oh Jesus Christ. Can you believe I have a pilot's license? Fucking unbelievable. All right. Um, let's read this here. Uh, the critical engine of a multi-engine fixed wing aircraft is the engines whose failure would most adversely affect the performance or handling abilities of an aircraft. On propeller aircraft, there is a difference in the remaining yawing. And that's just the nose going right to left moments after failure of the left or the right outboard engine. When all propellers rotate in the same direction due to the P factor. And I was like, what the fuck is the P factor? It has something to do with like, when you're flying straight and level flight, okay, your propeller blades are, um,

you know, they're, they're, uh, you have the angle of attack with the wind. It's basically coming straight, you're perpendicular to the angle of attack of the wind. That way you are getting the most bang for your buck with, for the work that the engine is doing with the propellers. But the more you angle, nose up or nose down, the more the wind, the way it's hitting it affects the performance is what I sort of believe. I got all this mumbo jumbo in my fucking head. I have no idea, but I had no, I, so I started reading more about this and there's all these fucking debates. You know, I was always of the belief that if you had two engines, if you could afford two engines, you buy that fucking airplane because you know, the engines run independently. So you got two

fucking engines. What are the odds of both of them? One fails and then the other one fucking fails. You know, but it's, it's, it's got to be almost zero. However, there's all these, I could, you know, something, I started to read about it and there was all these debates where at first it was obviously believed that, yeah, more engines is better, is safer. And then somewhere along the line, somebody did a study and saw that more fatal action, uh, actions, more fatal accidents happened in dual engine aircraft and people were going like, oh, and then it's, so maybe a single is better. And then that person came back and was like, no, you weren't hearing what I was trying to say. I was actually saying it

was safe. And then it doubled back on itself and I have no fucking clue what is safe. But what I did learn in it in a very layman kind of way was I had no idea that, um, I mean, it does make sense. If you just have one side working, you know, that it'd be sort of pulling that side along of the aircraft more so than the other one causing the other one to drag. And you'd have to, I don't know, crab your way into the fucking wind. I have no idea. But all I know is I was reading, it says, if one of your engines dies and the other one's still going, you obviously have a much, they said a much better chance of making it to the airport. They didn't say you would make it though. And, uh, which is my question to anybody out there who might know this shit

on it, on your average twin engine airplane, can both engines independently fly the airplane? You know what I mean? With one quit, do they both have the ability to, uh, basically get, have you flying fast enough where you can still maintain lift? You know, because then I was then thinking like, okay, well, if they went from one to two engines, you know, you're adding more weight to the aircraft. Well, I guess you'd build a bigger fucking plane. Sorry, I'm trying to do this math in my head. You build a bigger fucking plane. But my thing is, is do they then go, oh, because of certain aircraft, because it's a cheaper twin engine. It's the both engines in unison have enough power so you can maintain lift. But if you lose

one of them, the other one can't still give you the hundred percent of the lift that you need. You actually only have like 60% if you still have the critical engine or only 40% if the critical one goes out. Like I have no idea how it works. All I know is it's scared the fuck out of me. That's all I could tell you. Um, all right. Isn't it amazing the amount of topics I can talk about that I have no fucking idea? It's incredible. We're going to be doing some more here in the last half hour of this podcast. Um, I guess now I'm just going to say that I'm going to stop here and read some advertising. I don't have it, but you're going to hear it now because you're listening to this in the fucking future. Okay. Dollar Shave Club, everybody. I'm recording

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I guess. Did I read it? Did I sound good? How much did I stumble? I never even finished a frying pan story, so I got all the way down to the fucking frying pan thing. All right. And we already have like the regular, whatever, a 10-inch one, so I want to buy the 8-inch one that matches. And of course, the only way to do that is to have to buy the whole fucking set. You know? I was just like, you know what? Fuck you. And I bought one of those little pasta cutter things, and that was it. And I fucking left. And I could, for the life of me, could understand. One of them was $9.95. The other one was $21 bucks. And I sat there for 10 minutes holding both of them, trying to see like, does it handle better? How is this one more than twice the price? I don't know, Bill. Why would you think

it's interesting to us? I don't know. Trying to fill up a fucking hour here. By the way, by the way, I got some, like I have, I do have some dates, and I will never again announce cities that I'm saying, you know, we're working on it. I'm never going to do that again. Like I said with, I said with Buffalo and fucking Syracuse, because that hasn't worked out yet. Now everybody's like, dude, what the fuck? You said you were coming there. I shouldn't open my big yap. All right. Um, I am coming to Albany. I do know that. So people in Buffalo like, dude, that's like a four hour fucking drive. I know, I know. I'm sorry. All right. I'll, I'll, I'll figure something out. All right. Here we go. On March 25th, I'm in Riverside, California, Riverside, which I believe

is the beginning of the inland empire. Or maybe it isn't. I have no idea. Um, on the 26th, I'm at the terrace theater in Long Beach, California, unbelievable honor to be playing the place. That is the place where Richard prior taped live in concert where he had the red shirt, the black pants and the silver shoes. I will be standing on that stage. I'm sure they redid it since he's been there, you know, so I won't be standing on the exact same floorboards, but I will be within the same structure. I'll be standing in the same place where he did stand up comedy. To me, the greatest standup comedian of all time on the 22nd of April, I will be in St. Louis on the, oh my God, on the 24th, he's a great ones. I will be in Iowa in Ames, Iowa,

22nd St. Louis, Missouri and the 24th will be in Ames, Iowa. I have not been in Iowa since I did the rich bitch tour way back in 2004. Speaking of which, did anybody, one of the guys that did the tour with Don L. Rawlings, did you see that TMZ video? The guy's getting breakfast. He's got a $12 check. He goes outside to have a cigarette. He leaves his bag inside and all of a sudden they came running out and Philly screaming and I'm thinking he was, he was dining and dashing or showing and screwing as we used to call it in Boston. You know what I mean? Fucking unbelievable. I'm believing. He ends up getting in a big fucking fight and all that. He's got his bag inside. They won't give it to him. According to the shit that I read,

it's just fucking unbelievable. I can tell you that as a white guy, that would not happen to me. That would not happen to me. That was, that was fucked up. Definitely fucked up. And you know what? It didn't happen in Boston. I write all you fucking haters. It happened in Philly. See? It's all around. You know, it was funny. Don L threw that punch and the dude caught it. The next time I see him, I'm going to tease him about that. I wouldn't do it now because it's fucking fresh and it was bullshit. I can, I can definitely tell you as a white dude that, yeah, that not, would not have happened to me. That's a complete racial profiling incident. But it was that fucking dude leaned back and just caught it. You know, you ever see a picture?

Just catch a fucking one that comes right back to the mound. He did that, but with Don L's fist. Anyways, plowing ahead. May 7th, Orlando, Florida. May 8th, I'll be in Jacksonville, Florida. And, uh, Cleo, what are you staring at me for? What's the matter? I'm not, I already gave you F-O-O-D. So don't even look at me like that. I already took you out. Well, you just want attention, buddy? You getting lonely over there? Huh? All right. The fucking dog is so needy. All right. Portland May, June 4th, 2016. I'll be there. And I also know I, in the early April, I got a bunch of Canadian dates. They're all up on my website, billbird.com. So anyway, speaking of dogs, I kind of tweeted about this shit where, you know what the fucking dog I have the biggest

problem with? Like their owners never have them under control. I'm not blaming the breed here, but there's just something about the fucking the owners and how hyper the dog is, is those fucking giant poodles. There was another one today. I was at the supermarket. This person had tied it up outside and it's just literally outside the fucking supermarket the whole time. Just would not stop. Sorry, get my dog all amped up. Those fucking dogs are insane. I don't know what the deal is with them. I think they're like, they're kind of like Greyhounds. I really just think you need to run them around a fucking track for an hour every day just to get them to get it out of their system. But they got like that

perm going on. So I don't think anybody really thinks it's an issue. Cleo, what are you doing? You're going to distract me on the podcast. You can't be this adorable right now. Okay. For those who don't know anything about pit bulls, they are like the most needy fucking like love bugs. They're ridiculous. Like she just wants to crawl up here and fucking put her head in my lap and go to sleep. You know what I mean? She's not over in the corner, fucking doing some prison workout thinking about, you know, people she wants to kill. I'm not right buddy. Now that I've stereotyped giant poodles, I'm going to try to undo the damage with pit bulls. Who's getting who? My dog would try to rip your face off if you came into

the fucking house. She fucking barked at a guy yesterday and I actually loved every second of it. I was sitting in my Prius on these mean streets of Los Angeles, downtown Hollywood. And some fucking degenerate came up to the window and I don't know what the fuck he's asking for money or booze or some shit. And my dog just fucking flipped out, flipped out. The guy jumped back and everything was great. It's like having my own security. And the guy was such a fucking alkie. He backed up off the car and then still mimed like I'm, I want a drink. I'm trying to get some money for drinks. I just, you know, I told him to beat it. Every once in a while I tell him to beat it, you know, there was a one leg at homeless guy and he seemed like he was sane.

And he was talking to himself. Maybe he was a little crazy, but I would be talking to myself too if I had one fucking leg standing next to a stop sign, right? What else are you going to do? There's nobody else there. So him I gave money to. And I was actually joking to myself when I gave him the money and I drove away. I go, all right, there's, there's my good deed for the day. Hey, let's go in a Rubin tongue. Rubin tug. I can't believe fucking people go to those places, man. Don't you worry that the cops are going to show up any second? You know, you're lying there with a fucking Woody, right? With a little fucking Woodrow Wilson, right? Some girl fucking giving you a little handy and all of a sudden everybody get down on the ground. You know, you're like,

oh, shit, right? And what are you going to do? Say it was legal. You're not a will that hard on to go away before that fucking dude comes in and sees you with half as stiffy. You know, I swear to God, it hangs like that. I was in here. I had a problem with my shoulder, man. They're going to arrest you. It's your fucking half naked. Bring it down to the jail. You're already ready to get fucked. You don't have any clothes on. You got oil all over your body. The fuck is wrong with you? So anyways, June 5th, I'll be in Albany, New York. And June 17th, I'll be in Newark. No work fucking New Jersey at the New Jersey fucking Performance Arts Center for the fucking

cocksuckers there. You know, really made me happy the other day I was watching the NHL channel. Obviously they were talking about how the Bruins could potentially get the number one seed in the East. Unfucking believable. The job that Claude Julian has done. And I'll tell you something right now, Dan Shaughnessy, remember last year when you were calling for his fucking head and saying maybe he stayed here too long? You should write an apology article. Unbelievable how these fucking sports writers, because they got nothing else to write, will try to run out of town a fucking coach who brings us our first Stanley Cup in almost 40 fucking years. Why would you do that? Jesus fucking Christ. Why would you do that? All right, let's

let's read some of the questions here for this week. Oh, we got an update. I love when there's an update. Remember last week, the granny fucking water? Remember that story? All right, here we got an update. Hey there, old Billy fucking water. I got an update for you on this one. The story has good news and bad news. All right, so last last week, for those of you who didn't listen, I'll give you a little recap. There was some kid, you know, he was, he's basically he's engaged, he's getting married in six weeks. So he's over his fiance's house, his future in law's house, her fucking parents. That's all I'm trying to say, right? So they're playing some card game, and evidently they're down to the final hand and he has the cards called granny water.

I don't know what the game is or whatever. Some people sent me pictures of the card, the game does exist. But it's a really high point card or whatever. And he was laying down. Fuck I'm yawning. Sorry, he was laying down his card last. And basically when he laid it down, he was going to do the old fucking right there fret. I won the game. And he had the granny water card. And I guess in the end of the game is probably you get it, you hold on to it, you played at a crucial point. So everybody's sitting there as everybody's laying the cards down, waiting to see who's going to fucking lay it down. So this kid fucking finally his turn, he lays it down to be like, you know, like hitting the last second three, I just won.

And because he listens to the podcast, instead of saying I got the granny water card, he goes, he goes, look, he goes, it's all fucking great. Now he goes, it's granny fucking water. And just screamed it to his in laws. Okay, who never heard this guy curse before, and do not listen to this podcast. So they just stared at him like, what, what was that? What is my daughter marrying? Like he just completely screwed the whole fucking thing up. So he was asking me for advice. Should he bring it up? Should he not bring it up? All right, now you guys are caught up. Here you go. He says the story has good news and bad news. The good news is my fiance's parents were super cool about the whole thing.

I bit the bullet and waited until we went over for game night again last night. I apologized, of course, and they said they initially just thought, why am I only like this fuck? They initially thought it was really odd for me to yell like that without knowing without them knowing the context. But once it was explained, my fiance texted them about it. It was no big deal. It was a huge relief. We played the game again. And every time someone played that card, they did the whole granny water thing minus the fucking in the middle. Okay, cool. He goes, so my embarrassment will be immortalized. The bad news is that I mentioned that you read the letter on the podcast. Oh, no.

You know what? You're one of those guys, dude, you just like, you just like stepping and shit. He goes naturally, they wanted to listen to it. I thought it wasn't a big deal because they lived through the story and your commentary was hilarious. I warned them about the explicit nature of your podcast and that there were plenty of fucks throughout. The fact that you did the granny water thing before it was even brought up was perfect. Everyone thought the story was hilarious. That is until the PS. If you recall, I may or may have not called Hillary Clinton a cunt. Oh, Jesus, that's right. You did. He goes, yeah, I know I'm a dumbass bill. My fiance just turned to me and said, did you write that? He said, my fiance turned to me and said, did you write that

with that look on her face? I knew I was fucked. So freckles, I did the only thing I could. I said, oh, sorry about that. I didn't write it. Bill's email screener guy did. Andrew did. He picks the emails each week, then writes the little opening line pun, and then sometimes throws in a PS to make them more entertaining. Why would you write this? Because if they listen to this, you're fucked. You know what, dude, I have no sympathy for you. So here we go. He goes, they bought it. So he just listened to the rest and we're laughing again by the end. So I threw Andrew under the bus on that one. I'm going to repeat my only good move from the last story and just shut the fuck up about it forever. In the end, all is well. Thanks for reading it on the podcast. It seemed to help smooth it over.

No worries. Just tell him not to listen to this one. He goes, by the way, I just bought tickets to your show and I'm not going to say where the show is in case anybody's figuring out who the fuck this is. It's the week after my wedding and my fiancee slash wife by that point is coming to I'd love to meet you in person. Thanks and go fuck yourself. All right, well, you know, I'll be hanging out after in Iowa. Just scream out. Oh, I just said where it was. Oh, well, you're fucked. Granny water. Scream it out and I'll fucking say hello to you. All right, now everybody's going to do that there. All right, girlfriend leaving. Cleo, relax, buddy. Look how cold your nose is. It's usually not cold at night.

You got a little gas left in the tank. You want to go? Okay, I got it. I'm not going to say the whole sentence. I will. I'm going to take you know who you know where when I'm done with this. All right, Cleo, go lay down, buddy. Could you please lay down? I don't have it in my heart to yell at you here. All right, could you lay down? You're fucking bastard. I love you too. Get out of here. Go on. Go on. Please. Can you lay down please? Cleo. Yeah, yeah, step on all my shit as you go over there. Just go lay down. Jesus dog whisperer. I am not. Oh, by the way, how about those fucking concert wounded warriors? How much money did I give them? If they're actual pieces of shit over there and they didn't give that fucking money to wounded

troops, you know, can I sue them to get the money back and then just give it to the fucking people they were allegedly going to help? I am really just I'm done. I'm done with fucking charities. I'm fucking done with them. I just am, you know, I'm going Donald Trump on this one. I've seen two or three bad ones and now I'm judging all of them. Fuck them. St. Jude, I'm sticking with them. Okay, and if they end up turning for that bad, then fuck all of them. I'm just doing right. I'm doing what I did the other day, drove up to somebody with one leg at a stoplight, observed that they weren't fucking wasted as much as I could tell. And there you go. You know, even if they were, I'd be drinking two if I had one leg, right? Standing at a fucking stop sign.

I don't know what the stop sign has to do with it. What was the traffic light bill? Well, then, you know, maybe I have some yogurt. Girlfriend leaving for religious mission. Hey, Billy Ballbag, my girlfriend and I are both college students. And although we haven't been together for too long, I could tell she is special in the way when you meet the one you just know she's the person I have. She's the best person I have ever met. Kind, funny, intelligent, and on top of that, just drop dead gorgeous. Well, Jesus, lock that down, dude. If things seem to be too good to true, what if things seem too good to be true? Jesus Christ, I have so I got to have some form of fucking mild dyslexia. Or I'm even dumb, but then I thought it's a rough one.

Things seem too good to be true. They are. She's Mormon. Oh, geez. And she's leaving for her mission in July. If you don't know Mormons, I don't give a shit about Mormons. And just anybody who's actively religious, you know, to the point it affects the decisions they make in life, other than basic shit, like, you know, don't throw a rock at that guy because you wouldn't want him to do it to you. You know, I am with that. But, you know, when you start forming other opinions on your fucking religion, it starts to get a little, a little, uh, Zion, Tala Christi, Judy, Buddha, fuckingism, whatever, all of them, throw them all in one fucking muslonium. It's a big fucking pot. You can stick it all in a

fucking pot, right? Yeah, there you go. Shove it in the microwave, right? Turn it on and don't shut it off. All right. She's a Mormon and she's leaving for her mission in July. If you don't know, Mormons are a type of Christian. I didn't know that. And they send missionaries around the world to convert people into their religion and she's getting sent to Zimbabwe fucking Zimbabwe. They leave for two years, have to pay for everything themselves and aren't allowed to contact home the entire time. Why aren't they allowed to contact home the entire time? That's fucking weird. If she goes, not only would that be the end of us, but it seriously hurts chances of her future career aspiration. We both want to become doctors. I'm an atheist,

but I've recently found myself praying to Jesus that she doesn't actually go because if and when she leaves, that will be the end of it. I don't know what to do. Should I break things off now? Should I try and convince her not to go? Waiting is not an option for me because we'd be completely different people by the time she gets back. Thanks and go fuck yourself. I don't know, dude. I'm starting to think maybe she isn't the one for you. If you have to debate telling her not, should I just break it off or tell her not to go? I mean, I think if she really loved this woman, you'd be going, I'm just going to talk to her until I'm blue in the face and tell her not to go. And then even if she went,

you'd be thinking like, well, maybe, you know, you'd have a ray of light going. Well, maybe to two years. I don't know if we agreed to fucking cool it for two years. You know, it's only two years when you look at the rest of your life, you're kind of like, yeah, we'd be two completely different people. Should I break it up now? Yeah, look, she wants to go to Zimbabwe, let her, you know, to spread the fucking word of whatever the fuck they're doing there. Yeah, let her go. Just, you know, what he looks at somebody wants to go somewhere to go do something. What are you going to tell him not to go? Go ahead.

You know, go ahead, go go spread the fucking dumb shit they put in your head and go go go spread it on the other side of the world's poor fucking Zimbabwe people Zimbabwe and people and you went fucking Zimbabwe and I was assuming you meant because it's so far away you couldn't visit her. Let's see what's going on in Zimbabwe right now. Zimbabwe is exactly how it should be spelled Z I M B A B W E I'd be such a great fucking speller if everything was spelt like Zimbabwe Zimbabwe Z I M B A B W E Zimbabwe Zimbabwe soon we'll be converting you to Mormon do do do you got to go two years of your life to fucking for what all right Zimbabwe Zimbabwe is a beautiful country in southern Africa that is known for

it's dramatic wait wait wait come on oh this is the government this is the government website so this is all the propaganda here that's absolutely beautiful you have your wallet fucking taped to your chest no one will take it everybody's wonderful down here everybody's welcome please come down and spend all your fucking money you know if you don't mind Zimbabwe was voted the number one place in Zimbabwe to go three years in a row wow Jesus look at that fuck that puts Niagara Falls to shame holy shit Zimbabwe is a beautiful country in southern Africa that is known for its dramatic landscapes its diverse wildlife see cobras and tigers and it's hard working people home to the great Zimbabwe monument the mighty Victorian falls and the majestic

eastern highlands the country also boasts of world-class national parks in which a variety of animals including the big five can be found the big five what the fuck are the big five big five i gotta go lion who's your big five it's like the chris rock movie top five give me a big five i'd say the big five uh you gotta go lion tiger elephant doubt without right that's like montana brady and johnny unites the third one you never know right whatever they're in everybody's top five if you know anything about football right all right lion tiger elephant hippos rhinos giraffes are big gorillas some big motherfuckers hang on a second now i gotta look up big five this is

this how you do it what you know i'm gonna get the sports club big five sporting good big five animals in africa all right in africa the big five game animals are the african lion the african elephant i guess it's african you know like what as opposed to what the road island one the one at the fucking zoo the cape buffalo the african leopard and the white slash black rhinoceros all right so i got three out all right i said hippo rhino what the fuck's the hippo big five game all right in africa the big five game animals are american okay the lion the elephant the buffalo the leopard and the rhinoceros oh is this the thing that dentists pay to fly over and

go fucking shoot these things all right all right so there you go so we learned a little something here that's the big five uh the largest of these are the national park in the west and the something else trans frontier park in the south has a total area of 390s yeah all right let's get to the let's get to the real questions um americans welcomed in zimbabwe did we do anything did did the upper one percent in this country pissed them off all right americans in zimbabwe are you looking for fellow americans in zimbabwe no i'm not looking for a fucking pen pal six things i had wrong this last thing i'll read about zimbabwe here all right six things i had wrong about traveling to zimbabwe look at those elephants i fucking love those things i cannot

believe people kill those things how could you kill an elephant i couldn't kill any of those fucking things um all right the top five things six things i had wrong about traveling to zimbabwe and one i had right number one zimbabwe is dangerous uh at matador we believe most travel advisories and american perceptions of overseas destination being dangerous are way overblown i enjoy visiting say the big cities um big cities are the most violent crime is concentrated like in the united states it wasn't a surprise that then that victoria falls as well as the couple national parks we visited felt just about as safe and as friendly as any place can get in fact victoria falls has such a small town feel that other journalists joked it had the vibe of

u.s national park in the off season all right cool zimbabwe's wildlife has all been wiped out this was a big one for me i love seeing wildlife this isn't making me want to go there three hyperinflation will make buying things a total hassle after seeing years of new coverage hyper inflation i was expecting a i'd have to carry around bricks of ten dollar ten billion dollar notes to buy a bunch of beer but the currency of zimbabwe has become so worthless they've retired it completely and the country now operates out of mists of foreign currency including the south africa okay beyond the wildlife there's not much to do or see there's rafting bungee jumping micro light flying over victoria falls fishing swimming

all right well what the fuck did you get right i'm not reading all this shit look at this fucking video swimming and victoria falls get the fuck out of here this is this thing that looks like it's bigger than niagara falls no fucking way so basically the water isn't flowing fast enough that these fucking got okay i gotta put it send a link to this video who is the absolute fucking psycho that figured out you could do that dude if you just saw the pasty fat fucking white dude who just jumped in there you know it's funny he's there with two fucking two black guys man it'd be funny if they grabbed him and threw him over that was for slavery but i didn't do it all right let me uh all right i got a copy

of that jesus christ what a fucking loon there's no no way there's no fucking way no fucking way all right let's get back to the uh the things here all right um where am i all right tinder oh billy let's read some emails for the week uh i hooked up with this girl i met on tinder the first in years i'm not a bad looking guy i'm not a bad looking guy i think i just suck at small talk over over text anywho this girl is 21 i didn't expect it to go anywhere after we matched up but we ended up hooking up she's really cool we've hung out a few times since my friend and his girlfriend started saying that was gross uh i am 30 years old now i know my friend is being lame because his girlfriend was there but gross not at all so i let them have their ignorant

opinions then i dropped the facts on them she looks more like she's 24 dude this really isn't helping you i look like i'm 25 that's also not helping you she took extra classes to graduate college early and is already accepted into medical school still not helping you she speaks for languages fluently oh i see what you're saying she's not a dumb fuck she knows what she's doing i don't mean hello and goodbye she can carry on full on conversations in mandarin french and italian as well as english of course she has much better table manners than both of them oh you said that wow you just torched the whole friendship i pointed this out to my friend's girlfriend who didn't have a napkin on her lap and her elbows were on the table and pointed

that very fact out to her as well also i mentioned that when me and this girl met for a drink she put her napkin on her lap before she bought her drink to her mouth which would have hovered over her lap awareness levels maximum 21 who gives a fuck i like to think i'm right and then i made a good point but i need the opinion of your honor billy burr uh yeah fuck them you're 30 she's 21 who gives a shit good for you you're fucking crushing it she's a fucking adult and uh she's not a dope you didn't roof here and they're two miserable fucks in a relationship all right we've got food coming out of the side of their mouth carry on all right my kid wants to play football hey billy belichick bell bellelik um

i'm a uh huge football fan watch every week yada yada yada my kid is seven and loves it too he plays baseball and basketball and is really fast we play catch with the football in the yeah and he's really fast which has given him the desire to be a wide receiver granted it's not the worst powder you can get on the field i don't want him playing football uh he's a great athlete but i'm not one of those delusional dads who thinks he's going pro in whatever he does he's not small but definitely not the biggest of his age group how do i not sound like a cranky old man or worried old mother and explain to him how it's not worth it should i just show him footage from a 30 for 30 to scare the shit out of him oh man dude that is such a um contemporary question relevant question

whatever you know um i would actually defer this to the internet believe it or not and then you have to use your own judgment as to whether you're listening to somebody who is informed and or somebody who isn't can you can you do like a middle ground and maybe hockey maybe you can get him into hockey i guess you'd have to like hockey if you don't like hockey um because it would have the physical aspects of it but um those guys don't just don't fucking slam into each other every play um you know what dude i don't know how to bring that up i would just be honest with them and just say listen i don't want to seem like a cranky old man i don't want to seem like a worried mother like you just said but um i'm really worried about the long-term effects

of you playing football and i would even say long-term effects talk to him like an adult just say yeah i i i am worried that you know you if you get hit the wrong way god forbid people get paralyzed people die people have fucking don't say fucking people have brain injuries i would go down that road and just i would just say to the kid your concerns and if he really wants to fucking play then you know you just do what Peyton did you just get some roids sent to your house you put them in your wife's name and you get this kid you you let him do a cycle right before the season starts and you let him kick the fuck out of somebody else's kid not yours right there you go okay

i'm just fucking around obviously the first thing i said i would i would seek more information on that and figure out how you do it in the best way all right Peyton my house man dearest bill my house needs painting it has about six years it's been about six years since it's been painted we moved in four years ago i've painted a house before but my wife thinks i'm going to fuck it up and or it will take too long you know what i'm with her already uh i've been telling her that i'll save it'll save thousands of dollars she says that's not the point she's right it's not entirely the point i make good money i just want to paint the house it's my first house and i feel the need to do something to leave my mark

on it literally and figuratively speaking um i'll it'll take me about three weeks to do the whole house not working every day but three four days a week i have a neighbor who's going to be home from college who i've introduced to music and he's never heard oh listen to music he's never heard so it's a great excuse to give the kid a few bucks while i'm introducing him to early sound garden and jane's addiction uh she started three bringing things up like well what if it starts raining she's got nothing left on this one i have to paint my house it's not a manly thing it's not to prove a point it's taking pride and ownership thoughts on this i say you listen to your wife dude you want to do some fucking you finish your garage do something like that okay do

something in there where it's a part a room that she doesn't have to fucking deal with just have some pros come over there have them knock it out have them charge you through the fucking nose and you sit inside drinking a fucking beer all right there's other shit that you can do on the house um you know i just paint in the fucking house is she that's a big one dude that is a big one i understand that you want to do it um but yeah i'm with your wife on this one dude you know you already got a fucking job okay you make it good money pay somebody to do it all right there's a bunch of shit on my house that i started to do and i just started thinking you know what i'm making a good living fuck this why don't i have a pro come over i can do it i can figure

i was patching up holes and walls i was learning how to do that shit you know i was fucking fixing the j-trap under my sink and doing all of that fucking crap i did learned all of that shit in my last apartment then i got to the house and it's like all right well i can do this or i can have a pro come over here and do it and do it fucking right okay now i'm speaking for myself here my house was fucking wall to wall wall floor to ceiling inside and out do it yourself fucking hacks all right and i wasn't going to carry that fucking baton anymore everything that i have had done on my house has been done by fucking professionals and my house is as much as i bitch about it um it's 70% the shit at this point it really is i'll take it this garage done

and then i got it you know my kitchen's fucked up don't even get me started with all the exterior doors and windows okay in the wood rot and some of the other shit i have to deal with but generally speaking like this fucking place is solid and um i don't know dude fuck that dude you won't go a fucking ladder you know what i mean mixing the goddamn paint doing all of that bullshit um i would just i would yeah just just pay for it just pay for it and just say this blue is what you do don't just do it just don't do what your wife says get something out of it all right be like all right you know what i thought about it i don't agree with it but i know that you would feel better if somebody else did it okay so i am going to hire a professional company to paint the house and she

would like okay good i'll be like i'm not finished i'm not finished however because i am doing that i am going to redo the garage and the garage is going to be a place where me and my friends we play poker and we smoke cigars once a week i'm gonna have my own fridge in there there's going to be a lock on the door that you do not have a key for when you see um exotic women walking in and out of that you are not to ask questions is this understood right you just say crazy shit like that right over the fucking top and then she's done laughing then you say what the fuck you really want it will pale in comparison to fucking exotic women walking in and out of your garage and you'll be fucking in so i would think about what else you want all right at the end of the fucking day you're going

to get something that you want somebody else is going to pay you how paint paint your house i think you're going to win personally speaking that's what i think all right and you know what that's the podcast for this week mother fuckers um thank you for listening as always and i'm really excited about all these dates that i have coming up and uh i cannot fucking wait to go to iowa i'm so excited about st louis some of the great fucking sports fans i've ever met my life are in st louis and god knows they got enough but wisest long beach is fucking uh the god damn mother fucking Richard prior gig riverside riverside california i fucking you know when i was learning how to fly i had to i had to land there when i did the the fucking french valley flight had to fly to riverside

then out to french valley back to long beach um shit i might fly over there that would be awesome um aims iowa obviously cannot wait to go to there or lando i haven't been there in a minute jacksonville florida last time i was there i went to a gun gun range and shot fucking guns with silencers you think i'm not gonna do that again portland may my old stomping grounds albany new york um newark new jersey these are all places i love all those places i can't wait to get out there i've been working my ass off of my act if you come out i'm gonna make you laugh you fucking ass off okay so if you can make it i would really appreciate it all right and i'm actually trying to think of a tour name if you can come up with a name for it you know because these dates i'm in

canada i'm in north america i'm in fucking you know what canada is north america i'm in the united states of america right i'm on the east coast i'm in the midwest i'm in the south i can't think of a name for the tour i don't know why i have to name the tour but my agent says i got to come up with a name for it so i'm thinking the checking in on your tour i don't know what if you guys got on any ideas just tweet him to me uh at bill burb whatever the i don't even know what my twitter is you know what i don't even know what it is so whatever if you got time to look it up send it to me if you don't i understand all right go fuck yourselves i'll talk to you on thursday