Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 3-16-15

Episode Date: March 18, 2015

Bill rambles about the Punchline in Atlanta, the food supply and the Big 10 Championship.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's the Monday morning podcast. For Monday March, what is it? March 16th, March, March 16th, 2015. How's it going? I'm kind of under the gun here. I am trying to do this podcast as quickly as I can. I have a weird travel week where right now it's Sunday afternoon. And I am doing my final two shows at the punchline in Atlanta ever. It's one of my favorite stand-up comedy clubs that I ever got to work at. I absolutely love this place. I started talking about it last week, but basically, I don't know what happened. They lost their lease. I guess they're redoing the building or some shit like that, so now they have to move it.

It's literally a stand-up comedy museum, and they were nice enough to ask me if I wanted to do one more night, and that's what I'm doing. And as you can hear, my voice is much better. It's a little fucked up, but I'm doing much better. And old Billy Freckles. Old Billy Freckles is back in the gym. I'll talk about that in a second, but I do have to hype something. I have a movie coming out this week. Sorry, a few more cops here. A movie that a buddy of mine, Jordan Rubin, directed, called Zombie Beavers. That's right, Zombie Beavers. One of the bucket list things you have to check off as an actor. At some point, you've got to be in a movie about zombies. That's just my own opinion. I am just a comedian who tries to act every once in a while, but as far as I'm concerned, there's a few bucket list scenes you have to do.

You've got to get interrogated at some point, get punched in the face and act like you would actually wouldn't tell the people shit. You've got to do that scene. You've got to do the scene where you get chased down the alley and you throw the trash can down and the cop leaves over it, and you get to the chain link fence and you start right as you're halfway up, they grab you and they pull you back down. You've got to do that one. You've got to get shot and killed, which I did. I got shot and killed in Stand Up Guys. Got killed by Al Pacino, huh? Doesn't get any better than that. So once you've checked those off, there's only one thing left to do. You've got to do a fucking zombie movie. You have to do a zombie movie. As far as I'm concerned, all these fucking English cunts who go over there and, you know, Oxford, wherever the fuck they go to learn how to act, then they come over here and they can do an accent like they're from Rhode Island

and everybody gets all blown away. Fuck all those guys and women unless they did a zombie movie. So anyways, a buddy of mine, Jordan Rubin, is making this movie. It's about zombie beavers. Beavers that turn into zombies. Oh, he's turning the genre right on its ear. Obviously, the movie is making fun of zombie movies and it's obviously, it's well aware how ridiculous zombie beaver movies are. Beavers that are zombies, I should say. So please spare me the, dude, how much money did you need that you took apart in this fucking thing? It's a fun-ass fucking movie. I got to do one scene in it with the buddy of mine. And you probably won't recognize him because he's got on a wig and a mustache. And without giving away too much, I think work without us, the movie doesn't work.

Okay, and that might sound arrogant, but if you watch the storyline, it doesn't work. So it comes out March 18th. You know, go eat a pot cookie, go down there, go check out zombie beavers directed by a good friend of mine, Jordan Rubin, who I actually, when I first came down to New York City, I used to do open mics and work at the Boston Comedy Club and all that shit. Way back in the day, me and him, you know, used to perform in front of like fucking eight people around midnight or whatever. So, you know, it's great to see him move up the ranks. He's now directing movies and shit like that. And he said, I got this over the top, crazy fucking movie. You got to come down and have fun. It's a one day thing. And I'm not going to lie to you, dude, I had a great time. So check it out. Have a good time. But please don't fucking text me like I thought this movie was saving Private Ryan. Okay, I understand what it is.

All right, so spare me your fucking shaking my head tweets and, you know, your whole I have the world figured out fucking horseshit. All right, just have a good time with it is what it is. You know what I mean? You know, as we actually read an article on the way out here that somebody sent to me where Pat Noswald was getting interviewed in some magazine that I guess he's had issues with. And I almost fucking ate the magazine. It was so fucking frustrating listening to him trying to convey to the person writing it like it's just this fucking judging of stand up. Like, well, don't we have the right to say our opinion about the joke? It's like, you're not a fucking comedian. This fucking thing where it's like these selfish assholes just sit in a crowd and listen to an hour's worth of stand up where everything under the sun is getting trashed and they're laughing along with it and having a great time. And then all of a sudden one joke they don't like and they're like, wait a minute. Is he is he serious now? Does she really mean that? And just like that whole philosophy, like if you do like a rape joke or something like that, like that's somehow going to make somebody who wouldn't have raped somebody, then go out and rape somebody.

You know what I mean? I grew up watching Richard Pryor. I never free based. I never shot a car and made the engine block came out. I didn't have the cops come to my house all day. I never lit myself on fire. None of that. I never went to illegal crap games. You know, I never even been to a whorehouse. Hey, I picked up my hookers on the street. Okay. You know what I mean? Just this fucking, this stupid ass outrage about nothing. Meanwhile, meanwhile, you got a group of people in this country, a small group of people in this country that literally turned the food supply into poison, which to me is the biggest terrorist act against this country that I can think of. Every day we're eating this shit that's going to give us fucking cancer. Everybody. You know what I mean? And these fucking jerk offs are breaking people's balls who are out there. Oh, please don't die. Please don't die. Is this thing dying on me here? Hang on. Hang on. Is this the headphones? Is it? Oh, it's the headphones. Oh, fuck. I thought my battery's dying. That's fucking hilarious. Right in the middle of making a great point. So these guys are too busy, you know, rather than dealing with like real problems, I'm sitting there breaking comics balls that are on open mics fucking around. Fucking around. Ah, Jesus, it drives me up the fucking wall. So I was reading it because I have tremendous amount of respect for Pat in the fucking, you know, he's one of the best in the business.

And listening to this fucking person going like, well, what about this? The fact that a comedian has to debate stand up comedian on an eyeball to eyeball level with someone who isn't a stand up comic. And they literally think that the points that they're making are just as legitimate as the comedians is one of the most fucking arrogant things. Like, look, I know a little bit about cars, but I wouldn't sit there debating what's a better design with a fucking mechanic. I guess mechanics don't design them. They fix them. Whoever the fuck fixes them. But right there, there's my argument. I don't know enough about cars to go eyeball to eyeball with somebody. Jesus fucking Christ. What kills me is the bullshit that they're talking about now in comedy clubs has been going on for 40 fucking years in comedy clubs and nothing bad ever happened. But now there's social media and everybody has a fucking camera in a goddamn opinion. And now there's this just running around like the fucking sky is falling because you didn't like the answer to knock knock who's there. It's fucking unbelievable. These fucking like I don't know who that person is, but the level of jerk off that they are arrogant fucking ass that they think that they can just sit there and like they have this valid point on set up and punch lines with a stand up comedian. Jesus fucking Christ. I will never understand it.

I will never understand people that actually go to a comedy club and get offended. I just I don't understand it. And if you get offended, that's tough shit. Okay, you went out to a comedy club. All right. That's too fucking bad. That's on you. All right, I'm going to say this for the last time. If you fucking want to have a leg to stand on, hire a comedian for your own private party and tell the person the parameters to perform within. All right, other than that, you don't have a leg to stand on and these fucking cunts on these stupid ass websites who watch a clip of somebody performing in the comedy club and they get mad at the comic. The comic is guilty of nothing other than trying out material in a comedy club. If you want to get upset, get upset with the person who videotaped it, who was told not to. And they're the ones that uploaded it and brought it into your fucking eggshell fucking world. All right. Jesus fucking Christ. But Patton, what about this? I've never done stand up. Is this a valid fucking point? Jesus Christ. This is fucking the arrogance of that. The fucking arrogance of it.

Unbelievable. Anyways, will I sit in the crowd? Don't I have a right? Everybody's so fucking special now. Everybody's feelings are so fucking goddamn special. Grow a dick. Okay. And let it slide off your fucking back for Christ's sake and fucking move on to the next joke your bunch of babies. What a bunch of fucking I've never such a fucking pussy time to be living in yet some of the most psycho gangster shit is going down and nobody's fucking focusing on it. I think how gradually they're actually talking about climate, you know that that could be the number one threat against Americans is Miami is starting to slip into the fucking ocean and they're breaking somebody's fucking balls. About a relationship joke that they told in a strip mall in a fucking funny ball. That's getting more goddamn attention. Anyways, all right, I'm off my fucking soapbox. Sorry. So anyways, let's plow ahead here. This is one of my favorite times of year as far as this is when like I watch hoop.

I don't watch pro hoop. I watch college hoop and I don't get into the whole fucking March madness. The big dance. I like the regionals. The big 10 championship I'm watching right now where Wisconsin was down by 11. Their biggest deficit of the season right now they got it tied up 67 up. You're probably asking yourself, well, who are you for here, Bill? I'm actually for Wisconsin. I have some friends that went to to university in Michigan. So I think Michigan State's more of an arch rival. And I don't know, I'm kind of partial to all those fucking states. So I like all those states that everybody basically shits on.

I got to be honest with you, or the part sections of the country, the flyover states, the south, you know, those some of those meth states in the Pacific Northwest. I fucking love all those places. And I plan, you know what I want to do? I got this southern bus tour coming up, which I'm so ridiculously excited about. I can't fucking wait to get on the bus with Lawhead coach and Verzi and just go to a bunch of cities. I've never been to Knoxville, Tennessee, and it's going to kill me that there's not a fucking football game going on. But I blew through Memphis one time really quickly. I never been to Shreveport.

I never I've never even done stand up in Mississippi. So to be 23 years into the business and to be excited about coming out to all these new places, I can't fucking wait. I got this killer poster that that I'm going to be whoring myself out, you know, selling it at the end of every show. I'm going to autograph all of them. And I can't wait. And I'm thinking about doing another bus tour later on this year where I go through like, you know, Kansas, Nebraska. Wyoming's the last state I need to perform in. So I got to do a gig out that way.

Go through Montana, the Dakotas, that whole fucking part of the country. I don't know. Good people, good food. I like it. You know what I mean? And I know whatever. Some of the dumb shit that people on the coast give people a shit about in the middle of the country. Like, because they know what's going on more in the fashion world. Or different kinds of music or fucking whatever.

And like, meanwhile, like the middle of the country is like our food supply. You know, all these fucking headphones are driving me fucking nuts. Come on, man. Or like, you know, you know, all these morons who don't know who the, I don't know, whatever you consider. You know, they don't know where to get good sushi, but they can fucking take apart a car and put it back together better than when it came from the factory. I mean, there's a lot of fucking cool shit out there, I think. Anyway, so beyond excited for that, the first week, the end of the tour, we end up in New Orleans and we spent an extra day in New Orleans, which is going to be a shit.

And then the last night of the tour, we're going to be at the Kentucky Derby. So that's about as good as it fucking gets. So tickets are on sale for all dates right now. Go to billbird.com and pick up a pair and we'll come down and we'll give you a fucking money's worth. So anyways, I mentioned that old Billy Freckles was back in the gym. And, you know, I don't know, the holidays and then I did that fucking trip through, you know, Australia, New Zealand, New Zealand and Southeast Asia. A combination of that, the Rose Bowl and all that. I became Billy Fadigan.

I got up to like a buck 84. So fucking pissed at myself, man. I was down in my fighting weight, 168 to 172. So this time, I've decided not only to get myself back in shape. I'm going to say what weight I'm going to be, you know, even though I'm not going to fucking do some dumb shit and stand on the scale and show it to you guys. But just the mere fact that I'm going to be was just way too fucking quiet. I'm such a dumb cunt when it comes to this shit. Just to just so I'll fucking stick with it.

I keep trying to get down to the last time I had a flat fucking stomach and I had abs. I was a buck 62. The closest I've ever gotten was 167. But even then, even then, I don't know how to do it right. I still had like the belly, you know what I mean? Because you start dieting and you actually end up losing muscle and that type of shit. But I'm going to try to figure out how to do it without going to GNC and getting that awful fucking cancerous shit, whatever the fuck. There's no fucking way that stuff is good for you.

That science, that powdered shit that the FDA doesn't even have to look at to see if it's bad for you. Someone's telling me all of that shit though. Those milks that are supposed to build muscle so I don't get in trouble. Yeah, that they have like metals in them. I don't know. Does other shit have metals in it? I have no fucking idea. I don't know.

I'm drinking a bottled water here. I probably bottled like fucking 10 years ago. Sat in a fucking warehouse. God knows what the hell's in my system now. But anyways, just for the pure vanities of it, I want to see if I can get back down there. So I've been hitting the fucking elliptical and I was doing good, man. I got down to like a buck 78, but I fucked up last night because I made homemade ravioli. The first time I ever tried doing that and I watched this video that these people put up of their right off the boat Italian grandmother.

And if you guys have listened to this podcast, if you knew the podcast, I fucking love Italians. I love their country. I love their food. I like their cars. I like the flashy shit that they're into. You know what I mean? Verzi always says I'm a closet fucking Italian. So it's not enough for me to go to Italy and eat the goddamn food.

I got to figure out how to at least make an attempt at making it. So, you know, I actually, you know, I got some semolina, right? And I fucking did the whole well thing. Two eggs per pound. I made a pound of this shit and my fucking, the actual pasta part of it, the fucking, the ravioli part came out great. The filling I had to wing because they didn't really say what the recipe was. So I kind of eyeballed it and I also forgot to add an egg to it. So it tasted a little weird.

It was a little too sweet and some sugar and a little bit of cinnamon in it with some ricotta cheese. And right there you're like, wow, that's fucking a weird group of flavors there. You got to make sure everything's right. And I tried to eyeball it. So, but my big fucking thing is the ravioli thing that I have, I have like a tray. Well, you wait, lay one sheet down and then you put the filling in it in each one of the things. And then you lay another one, you do an egg wash and lay another one on top and then you got this roller thing. Don't get those.

Those things fucking suck. Just get the stamp because even after all that bullshit, this is the second time I tried to make it like 30% of them exploded. And all the filling came out anyways when I was, when I was in the midst of trying to cook the fucking things. But I don't know, that's three hours of my life, I'll never get back. But I figure each time I do it, I'll get a little bit better. So whatever. What else am I doing here? I'm sorry guys, this is all over the fucking map.

I literally just landed and I got to do a show here. They're picking me up in a fucking an hour. So I got to wrap this thing up and put on my stage makeup before I get on stage. I don't even know if they've even sent me the fucking advertising. Have I got anything? Meanwhile, as I'm looking this up, how about those fucking Bruins? Huh? What do you think about them?

Those motherfuckers were playing mediocre all goddamn year and then finally, I don't know what's happened. Like they had a nice little run there right before the All-Star break and then all of a sudden, you know, they went right back to, you know, win two, lose two, win one, lose three, win two, lose one, that bullshit. And now all of a sudden they're playing, playing for their playoff lives. Beat the Penguins. What did I see them beat recently? I've been all over the map. I know they beat Detroit, they beat Philly, they beat the Penguins, they beat Tampa Bay.

They're on a nice little run here. You know, it'd be nice if we could, we got swept by the Canadians this year. But it's just a, you know, it's just regular season. You get into the playoffs, anything can fucking happen. And I still think the Stanley Cup winner is going to come out of the West, which means once again, the Montreal Canadiens will go home coupless, which really makes me fucking happy. You know what I get so excited about is that when they sweep us in the regular season, I get text messages from Montreal Canadian fans. Like they're legitimately excited that they swept the Bruins.

I mean, it's a fucking compliment. Back in the day, they didn't give a fuck. They didn't win a cup. It was a failure. Now they're celebrating shit that they did in March. I just love, I just love that now there's, that there's actually 30 fucking teams. You know what I mean? All that fucking bullshit goes out the goddamn window.

You know, when you're competing with five other fucking teams and you, and you get first chance to sign anybody within a 200 mile radius of your goddamn city and you live in Montreal. Yeah, it's a bit of an advantage. I'd say I'm going to go out on a limb and say you're going to go on a little bit of a run there. Fucking Bruins. We had first dibs on the best player from Vermont. I'm telling you, they got this kid down there in fucking Woon Socket, Rhode Island. Anyways, plowing ahead here.

I might have to stop this fucking podcast. I haven't got any of my information here. We want information. Information. Who are you? The new number two. Who was number one? Oh, by the way, if you don't want to ruin that, that shit I was imitating last week about that rich guy, that guy, I never knowingly lied.

There's some news about him in the in the papers. Just please do not look at it if you're watching that series because it kind of ruins the series one way or the other because it's basically you're trying to guess whether or not this guy will ever get, I don't know, brought up. There's some information there that I should have said that shit. Now people are going to look it up and just fucking tweet it anyways. They're such cunts. Where the fuck is my god? This is the time where I usually do the advertising. Why?

Didn't you say the advertising over? I might have to do this in segments. I might have to do this in segments. You know what? I'm just going to act like I'm going to... I'll just say that I'm doing advertising. I'll edit it in later. Okay, we will be right back with the Monday Morning Podcast after these messages.

Alrighty, and we are back. Wasn't that a great read that I did in the future? In the fucking future? I woke up this morning. And last night I had a 7.45 a.m. flight, right? So my wife, three pointer for Wisconsin. They're up 75, 69, with two minutes to go. So I woke up last night.

I told my wife that I had this 7.45 a.m. flight. She goes, you know what? I'll give you the ride to the airport. I go, all right, you're a sweetheart. And then she mentioned that there was the LA Marathon. And I was like, well, we'll get up early. We'll be fine, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So we wake up in the morning and we start driving down the street

and every fucking street is blocked off. So I ended up jumping on the highway, just cruising down to the LAX. And she kept bitching about the traffic she was going to run into. And I was going, look at the other side of the fucking highway. There's nothing here. Stop being such a pussy. You know what I mean? Oh my God, my life isn't perfectly comfortable.

You know how women are, right? The second the fucking AC is one degree too fucking cold or it's too hot. They just start bitching. You know what I mean? And for some reason we don't just go, ah, just shut up. You know, I don't know why we don't do that. Why we don't do it more often. They're just fucking addicted to fucking complaining.

So she's bitch-moner than complaining. All this fucking crap about the goddamn traffic. Meanwhile, if she had a 745 a.m. flight, I would have fucking driven in there and I wouldn't have given a fuck. The granted, I'm a morning person. She said to me, she goes, how the fuck are you this awake? She's one of those people that hates getting up in the morning. She's like, how the fuck are you this awake?

And it's like, well, you know, I had a paper route. From the time I was in third grade, I had a paper route. I never knowingly lied about sleeping in. I had a paper route from third grade until freshman year of high school. I kept that paper route until freshman year of high school to where it was like weird. Like I was coming up, like my voice had changed and shit. I was still delivering newspapers because it was considered a little kid job before the bankers completely fucked over everybody and has everybody upside down in the house.

And now it's like actually an adult second job delivering newspapers. And I kept the job because I liked having money. Like my whole life I had money. Like if you had a paper route right in the third grade, like you had no overhead. You didn't have any rent. You didn't have any woman in your life. Right? You couldn't drink.

You couldn't do drugs. It was just whatever you took home you had. It was perfect. Spending on football cards and fucking candy. That's the only thing I could buy. What else was I going to buy? Sandwich? I didn't give a shit. So I always had fucking money.

I always remember that. Like kids fucking always bumming money off their parents. Like when I got into junior high. I didn't. I always had like an extra five bucks on me. Which five bucks was like having fifty bucks on you when you were in the sixth grade. I mean lunches I swear to God were like a dollar ten. You could get doubles for two twenty.

But that's what it was. It was like a dollar fifty maybe for lunch or something. It was a dollar and change. So I remember that. People be asking for quarters and shit like that. I always looked at it. I thought they were pathetic. Even back then I was like dude get a fucking job.

Always bumming money off your parents. But then I was jealous because they got to sleep in on Saturdays and Sundays. And the paper that I delivered. The Boston Globe and the Boston Herald came out seven days a week. Three hundred sixty five days a year. I think I told this story before. I went from third grade until sixth grade. Before I finally had a day off.

I did it every single day for like three years. And the only reason why it did is because we finally took a family vacation. We were gone for a week. And I remember we let the. Forget who we let do the paper routes. I think it was the newspaper company themselves. We let them do it. And I came back at all these fucking complaints.

Because it was some like fucking twenty seven twenty eight year old guy. Who was out getting pussy the night before. So he would just drive down the street and just fucking throw him. You know with the rubber band around it. Elastic whatever the fuck you say in your part of the world. Just throw him out the fucking window right into a puddle. Or into a shrub. And no one could find it.

And I remember coming back and everybody bitching at me. I mean I was. I wasn't here last week. You know I was on vacation. But my first one in three years you can't. Could you let me in the house. Maybe I could warm up. Do you notice my nostrils sticking together every time I fucking inhale.

That means it's cold out. What is your problem. What happened the one fucking week. I was on a hundred and fifty six week tear. Where you got it in your fucking door. Dry every goddamn day. Seven days of fucking we're gonna break my balls. Because I took a week off.

Right there. That should have been that should have let me know. That should have let me know what I was in for. When you get when you get fucking older. Just that constant. There's always a fucking problem. You know what I mean. And just somehow you just got to like.

I don't know. I don't know. I you know what if you guys can figure out a fucking way. To get a woman to sustain happiness. They can get it. But to get him to sustain it. Just go for a nice three four day was last time your wife or your girlfriend. Three four day run was in a good mood.

Just cruising along. Letting shit just whatever don't worry about it's all good. I don't know how the fuck did I get on this fucking tangent. I apologize. I never knowingly trashed women. I never knowingly lied about my experiences with them. Wisconsin's going to win this fucking thing. Now they're up by 10 shit.

I'll tell you basketball you know it's a game of runs. I saw this thing today where Yao Ming. Yao Ming is. He's like he's in China now and he has this he has like a like a fucking. I don't know what he's doing. He went to some big summit. In Beijing. Right.

This poor fucking bastard the guys like nine feet tall. Like his head is above the smog level in that goddamn town. And he's going in there fighting the good fight for his people. Right. And that's all I'm thinking like wow what a great guy. I mean this guy's got all the money in the fucking world playing in the NBA. He doesn't have to do this. And he's worried about his countrymen and the guys walking up the steps.

Right. You can just see you know fucking people like who are that tall. It's they're never comfortable. Nothing's built for their size. You know they fucking you know the amount of work their heart has to do to fucking their hearts the same size as ours. That's why you don't see like a bunch of eight seven foot you know 70 year olds. The only guy you can think of is Bill Russell.

Everybody else like dies in their fifties because your heart is the same size as a guy like my size like five 10 and it's got to pump all that blood to your tippy toes. Every fucking time it's a lot of goddamn work. Right. You got the RPMs. You're redlining it there. So here's the guy walking up all these fucking stairs eight foot tall dude wearing some suit. He doesn't have to be there and you should see the picture.

There's a bunch of people taking a picture of the guy. It's like fucking the fucking leave him alone. He's going in there making sure the next time you double park you don't get run over by a tank. Right. Can you do the guy is solid and get the fuck out of the way. No. Is that weird.

Is that weird for me to say that. Is it weird for me to be filibustering on my own fucking podcast because I still haven't got the questions or any of that shit for the week. Jesus. I'm going to send another fucking text here. By the way. I you know I told you guys that I was going to go out and buy a nice fucking car. I know what I'm getting.

I know what I'm getting. Oh there it is. Hey sorry about the delays. Sending now was waiting on ads. Okay cool. I know what the fuck I'm going to get. And I'm not going to tell you guys you don't rip it off. I'm buying an old car and I'm going to I'm buying an old car.

That's going to cost me about four grand with a straight body and then I'm going to get the fucking interior done and the get it all fucking painted right and on top it's going to look like the mid 60s when the car came out and underneath is going to be fucking 2015 just like those cars I see them making on on fast and loud. I watched that show so much. I fucking love that show and I basically I mean I'm trying to think of a car I ever saw them make that I didn't like. I mean I love most of them but the worst I ever had is I still liked it.

I still appreciated what they did. They just make such great fucking cars and I got sucked into that shit and I was just sitting there going like why go out and be another douchebag driving one of these all every fucking sedan looks like a goddamn dinner roll now. They all look the exact same or I can go out like Richard Rawlings does and find a fucking car you know granted I don't know how to do it so I'll pay through the nose but I don't give a fuck. I'll find a car that looks cool that has potential get the fucking thing painted redo the interior

like it just came off the factory then underneath you know everything is fucking 2015 2015 fucking technology that's what I'm that's that's my game plan and I'll wait till the build starts going and this one I'll actually show you pictures of when I get this thing done. It's it's it's going to be a mean mean looking fucking car. Unfortunately I have weird taste in cars. I like to think it's original you know every fucking jerk off baby boomer out there wants a Shelby right they want a GTO they want the fucking whatever what is it that 67 Corvette Tri-Power thing or the split window when everybody wants the same fucking five cars and meanwhile

you got all these other badass fucking cars that are just sitting there. Wisconsin wins. Was that the Big Ten champion championship. Yeah they got the hats on and everything. Unless that's like an AFC championship I don't think it is no Big Ten champion congratulations congratulations to the University of Wisconsin for winning the Big Ten 2014 2015 Big Ten basketball championship at the NCAA division one level and congratulations to stand up comedian an excellent fellow all around fellow Nate Craig who's from the great state of Wisconsin who

actually has has me now him and Jeff Cesario actually are two comedians that I know that are big Wisconsin Badger fans so they actually got me into Wisconsin plus the last time I toured through Wisconsin Nate worked with me and he knew all the spots all the spots to go and eat all that fucking dairy and shit out there had a great goddamn time all right so let's get let's get to some of the let's get to some of the fucking advertising bullshit here come on man this is one of the problems when you try to do a podcast and you still have the iPhone 4S what do you want from me I like old shit for the love of God for the love of fucking God could you load could you load just one fucking time hey why do they

block your internet at the airport why do they do that do they think I want to tweet that bad that I'm going to sign up for the 20 minutes I'm sitting at the fucking gate please tell me that's failing please tell me that you as a person you know draw the line there and you categorically fucking refuse to pay for internet at the fucking at the fucking what do you call it at the airport right all right what am I doing here Lucy's kitchen what the fuck is that oh that was I was trying to figure out how long to cook the raviolis for all right let's see if I can get get to my goddamn emails for the week here come on one time one time let's see it work let's see it work and they are not here

all right Jesus Christ you know what I feel like right now I feel like I'm doing like a telethon and there's nobody watching and I desperately need like collars to be calling in so I can actually fucking fill up this this this space here anyways what's coming up March madness is coming up everybody the madness of March who do you like are you filling in your brackets I can't you just sit down and watch it you know you know I'm really getting sick of people that don't actually play the fucking game getting this level of involved like you play like be like a fantasy GM you know what I mean like don't you should see my bracket I picked all the fucking you know I want to see I want to see you hit a

fucking layup I want to see you go out there and take a jump you know not even I want to hello stupid ass fucking headphones keep cutting out on me you know I want to see you do I want to see you just run down the fucking hall just remotely in an athletic way if you can do that then I will take a look at your bracket there really should be that you know what I mean like when there's a sports bar before you enter the sports bar there's a lot of sports bar before you enter the sports bar they should throw you a fucking you should get to pick your sport football basketball baseball or hockey you get to pick your sport and you get three three tries to hit the ball fucking throw a tight spiral go top shelf

with the puck or a fucking hit a free throw you get three fucking tries if you can't do it that's it you're not going in the bar that's it then you got to do 20 pushups if you can't you're not allowed it you know that's a great fucking idea rather than do what you usually do when you open a place is you let every fucking animal on the planet come into the fucking place what if you actually had a sports bar and they ran it like you know those dance clubs where the ladies get all fucking dolled up and try to go around the line you know and they let them all in and there's a guy you stand there like a jerk off that studio 54 shit like if you have the right outfit on you get to go in what if they actually did that

at a sports bar I think that would actually if you actually had great food and great booze but you did that on the outside like alright dude here's the deal you know if you never been here before we got too many ass unathletic douchebags coming into this fucking facility alright we want people that are not only sports fans but can actually play the fucking game alright no fucking poses in here so pick your poison what do you want you want a puck you want a basketball you want a football what do you want to try to hit a fucking slider right and they literally throw you a slider with the slider there you go look at me I'm coming up with amazing ideas that would not work because what would end up happening is

some fat fucking blogger would go down there with black flame glasses and the second they found out that they couldn't go into this place that they didn't really want to go into to begin with they would blog about it and then they would be on TV going what does this say what does it say about society what does it say about people are you allowed to do that they do that at those dance clubs if you're not good looking enough if you're not a hottie they don't let you in you know that never offended me that never offended me I looked at that the same fucking way I looked at some classes that I was taking just certain classes when you were going through your educational system right the educational system I should say you just knew walking in

you know like this isn't me this isn't the right fit I'm not going to get a good grade in this and you just you just fucking accepted it now you know I'm not good at math you know I don't like English history bores me and you just fucking moved on why can't people do that at clubs listen we're sorry you're not good looking enough buddy buddy you got too many chins what do you want me to do you know get on the fucking treadmill if you're going to be that fat you got to show up at least with three fucking hot women and even then you know we got to kind of stick you in the corner and make you look like a bouncer all right we're trying to make money here this is how this works right I have no sympathy for people when they fucking

when it has to do with weight and they say you're too heavy and then people get mad it's like you know what if you actually listen to them you'd lose weight and you'd actually be doing yourself a solid these people in a roundabout way are actually helping you to not have a fucking heart attack have you ever looked at it that way your selfish fat cunt all right here we go let's let's let's read some questions here for the week oh you know what wait a minute wait a minute wait a minute I got to read let me get the advertising out of the way I'm not going to drop it in where I said I was gonna drop it and fuck that let me just blow through this all right okay Bombas socks I have no idea what this is chances are if you have feet you

wear socks all right unless you're some rich kid walking around with your fucking penny loafers you know you accidentally choked your girlfriend to death during rough sex for the most part right unless you're homeless all right and face it socks haven't changed since they were invented they fall down they wear out and there's always that toe seam that never fits in the right place our new sponsor Bombas has changed all of that I'm saying that right Bombas decided to you dedicated two years to engineer socks that stay up Jesus Christ how much start-up money did you have six months that I was still looking at the socks they stay up they last forever and they feel amazing on your feet for some reason they're trying to say that

I have a pair on right now I don't let me guess I have them on and my dicks getting hard all right personalize your experience with Bombas example they're so comfortable the honeycomb stitching hugs your foot so whether you're walking or running your feet feel perfect I'm gonna tell you something right now this is such an embarrassing thing the older you get the more you get into socks and if you're young if you're smart you'd get a comfortable pair of socks because your feet start to go your big toe starts looking over at your other toes like hey what's going on guys I never noticed you over there for the first 30 years of our lives it's called hammer toes all right stop hammer toes sorry anyways the prima cotton they used

is so soft it's amazing this is what I'm supposed to be saying because I'm supposed to be wearing them I'm wearing them right now and my feet are singing another example I find myself washing them over and over so I can wear them again I need to get more I hate when they do this shit don't put words in my fucking mouth just send me some socks I'll put them on if they feel good I'll tell people they sound nice you guys are talking a good game anyways so know what I'm allegedly talking about you really need to get get yourself a pair listen bombers doesn't stop with you with your comfort with every pair of socks bomb is sells a pair is donated to someone in need because socks as it turns out are the number one requested item at homeless

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help is here Jesus stumbled through those this week huh alright let's get to the content here before we wrap this fucker up alright by the way if you also if you want to send an email to the podcast the email is bill at the mm podcast dot com and if you'd like to follow me on Twitter the Monday morning podcast it's at the mm podcast that's our Twitter handle and if you'd like to support this podcast anytime you go to Amazon dot com just go to bill burr dot com first go to the merch page click on the Amazon link it'll take you right there I just get credit for driving traffic there it doesn't cost you any more money I would really appreciate it we hear who never lie alright heat spell

um hey billy sweet stack I don't know what that means um no billy sweat stack sweat stack stack of what's what stack of sweaty money I don't know what the fuck that means my balls on top of each other my lane sideways on a couch it's only sweat stack I can think of um so in LA time articles about how California has a year of water left if there wasn't a crazy breakdown of society rather just a gradual exodus of California where would you go and how long would you wait it out um where would I go I go to Alabama I go to Alabama man houses are cheap you got a deal with hurricanes but I go to Alabama and I would either pick the crimson tide or I pick Auburn and I would just get involved

in that and then I would just be a comedian from there or you know if the oceans are truly rising I guess I would move to uh I don't know maybe Tennessee I like the south I'd move to like western Tennessee somewhere between Nashville and Memphis I would live there get myself a spread drive my old truck and uh I don't know fly out to my gigs I'd probably do that um I don't think California only has a year of water left I think it's gonna rain between now and then but we'll see who knows I don't know what are you gonna do I mean I'm in this business I have to be in California I have to live on a fault line and uh I don't give a shit where you live we're gonna be affected by global warming and the end is

gonna come uh there's too many fucking people we're too goddamn selfish and it is our destiny to destroy ourselves now having said that go out there and have a good time while it lasts that's how I look at it isn't that uplifting well great alright weight loss um Billy Billy boy alright I've been dying to email you for months but I figured I'd wait okay that doesn't make any sense okay I lost weight my man and I got a girlfriend out of it oh and I got a girlfriend out of it I got a promotion due to the extra confidence the very first podcast episode when you started fat shaming I was all in I started waking up early and running there you go man there you go then about a week into running I was listening to the podcast

during a run and you mentioned Cleo I started thinking if I'm going to be up early I might as well get that dog I always want it there you go and that's a chick magnet right there I started looking for a black lab but ended up with a pit I named him Moby he's white with brown spots oh Jesus I fucking love those dogs very rare I've been told anyways it looks like me if I worked out and I was a pit bull right he's got freckles there anyways I'm down 82 and a half pounds as of this morning since October the first 20 fell off then it was just 10 a month come back to Chicago loved hearing you on the bar stool rundown thanks for the honesty there you go buddy there you go well you know what I let myself go a little bit

here so I'm trying to do the same fucking thing it's kind of hard when you travel so I just make sure I eat right like I just walked over to this whole strip mall area and they got all you know they got an Arby's I never eat at Arby's some about fast food roast beef always that's too adventurous for me which is hilarious because I'll eat at McDonald's and God knows what the fuck that is you know I don't know what it was my whole life but I remember like 40 years into me eating McDonald's all of a sudden they had this advertising campaign now 100% real beef and it's like well what the fuck was it before right it's a little unsettling that's awesome man and I fat shame people too in a silly way to try to get you to fucking

lose weight but you really have to do you have to fat shame yourself if at some point you're not disgusted with yourself like there's hope in being disgusted with yourself because you know you're better than that all right what are you doing right now you're sitting down look down at your stomach come on man you're better than that right you know you are you're better than that just give the summer times coming up get a jump on it March you went in like a fat lamb go out like a lion I saw this check the other day on Ellen doing these pull-ups right and she said don't worry about losing weight just worry about getting strong first and that's kind of I was like you know what I like that philosophy go to

the gym get stronger than all the other shit will hopefully fall into place that's great man good for you 82 and a half and you fucking pounds and you need that's six months that's right through the holidays to do that's fucking hardcore and when you only started dropping 10 instead of 20 you didn't quit like a pussy you kept going so good for you man I'm psyched your social life picked up too see that he did it so can you drop some weight get a dog and start walking around smiling at people and your your life will change all right tux Bill my girlfriend soon to be wife I hate the word fiancee yeah I hate that word too it's way too fancy for what's going on it's my fiancee oh really welcome to Applebee's and I

were my my my soon to be wife and I were talking and she said I would I should own a tuxedo because I'll always need one and it's better to have my own that fits instead of getting ripped off with rentals every time what are you a fucking senator do you own your own business where you're constantly entertaining people he said I told her it was unnecessary we both have great jobs but not enough to buy a tux without thinking of reasons why I shouldn't also styles change I told her and it'd be outdated do you wanna do you own a tux Nia sounds like she knows a thing or two about style she definitely does has she ever suggested this to you thanks and come back to Chicago um no no she hasn't I mean what what am I

fucking James Bond who needs who needs to own a tuxedo like the little you know people own tuxedos like are doing something really dishonest and they're constantly have throwing these big fucking parties because they know they're going to jail soon so they're trying to bang as much hot ass as they can they're trying to get to know as many politicians and cops as they can and judges to try to keep their ass out of the slammer other than that now dude buying a tuxedo is about as dumb as buying a boat you don't buy a boat you want a friend who has a boat okay you don't need a tuxedo you fucking rent one you rent one and then you fucking give it back it's over nobody gives a fuck you know what I mean

I think anyways I'm trying to think why you would own a fucking tuxedo and I never even thought I never even thought for one second that that that the style would change I'm trying to think the amount of times I've even worn a tuxedo I wore one at my senior prom I think I wore one at a wedding where it was a black tie event maybe I sat on the dais at a roast back at the friars club and I had to wear one I think maybe three times three times in my life I'm gonna be 47 in June three times in my life have I ever worn a tuxedo look if you were fucking renting one every month and it cost you a hundred bucks then I get yeah I guess it's a no-brainer you'd want to go out and

buy one but what else is great you know as you get older your weight fluctuates you go up you go down you go up you go down it's a fucking pain in the ass you're gonna buy one in your 20s I mean it's kind of a great way to stay in shape that could be your fucking your barometer can I still fit in my tuxedo shit god damn it honey stop making banana bread alright sharks versus helicopters dear Billy red tits alright that's just mean they're alabaster I I guess certain fears are for certain people I surf and block out the fear of sharks while you fly over sharks and surfers in a helicopter blocking out the fear of flying the helicopter that's why I am in the water and you are flying the

helicopter to me the helicopter would be scarier shit love you it's scarier than fucking being eaten alive by a fucking monster fish let me ask you this if you had to choose between flying in a helicopter it loses power and within fucking 10 seconds you like fuck slap or being in the water having a shark come up to you take a chunk out of your leg to see what you are and see if you're edible and as you're bleeding out the fucking thing comes back and finishes you off I don't know man I'd rather get it all done at once you know what I mean you'd rather have the window shopping slow death I'd like to have it done nice and nice and quick not to mention you know they train you in a helicopter what

to do if there's a problem and you have an unbelievable amount of fucking control provided you react properly like when the low rpm horn goes on you slam the collective down and you immediately start to auto rotate you have an unbelievable amount of control in a helicopter whereas with surfing I mean I don't know what are you supposed to you what are you supposed to punch the shark in the nose and shit I don't know I'll take my but dude I totally respect what you're doing surfing looks fun as shit and it has to be fun as shit the fact that you would do it in what in shark infested waters which as far as I'm concerned is every is the entire ocean because that's where all the sharks are they're in the ocean but they're

not in this part really that's interesting citizen for Bill have you seen the documentary on Edward Snowden no I haven't but I feel really bad that I haven't kept up on that because I feel like he did me a solid where he was making this this designing this this whatever the fuck the computer word is for to spy on me and everybody else and he actually had the spine to say I'm not going to help you guys do this or I think he did was really patriotic and nobody had his back anyways he said it's really amazing I tried to avoid it because I don't want my blood pressure to spike getting mad about the NSA NSA's practice practices but it was great you can see how calm and thoughtful Snowden is he handled

everything as well as he could citizen for is what it's called I will definitely watch that as soon as I can you guys should all go see that watch it download it watch that so that's your homework for the week watch citizen for try to check out some beavers if you can and I actually watched an unbelievable movie last night that starts Sam Rockwell who really is one of the best actors of all fucking time he's fucking unreal it's called moon check it out man really fucking freaked me out that movie alright well that's it people right in an hour I apologize it's not a little bit longer but I'll be doing another Thursday Monday morning podcast whatever the fuck you want to call it again this week so give you

some added comedy and some classic clips from the old podcast and once again thanks everybody for listening check out some beavers check out citizen for check out Sam Rockwell in moon and congratulations to Wisconsin when the big ten championship that's it go fuck yourselves we'll talk to you next week tider ik van vier jaar garanti op gecertifier in twede Hans wagen B&B premium selection vertrouw instinct volgen verstand info en voorwaarden op B&B B