Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 3-18-13

Episode Date: March 18, 2013

Bill rambles about Old Money, middle age pussy, and pay per view fights.

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How are you? I'm upstairs in my half a house at this point They got all the demolition done I'm gonna have to open the fucking window Cause it's already too hot in here This fucking thing needs to be replaced too Anybody want to buy a tree fort? I think that's what I bought

I bought a tree fort with fucking wall to wall Look at the views, if you see the views All this fucking bullshit everybody told me You know what? If you ever go to buy a house This is what I suggest you do Walk in there wearing a helmet Alright?

With some safety goggles on Put those fuckers Put the whole ensemble on And then have one of your biggest friends Just grab you like a battering ram And slam you into the wall of the house And have a look around When you come to

Have a look around You'll be surprised what you find in there Alright? If there's nothing in there Other than the fucking horseshit you just broke By all means Make an offer on the house Alright?

These fucking cocksuckin' fucking Insurance adjusters Oh, we'll cover everything Do you know these dickheads? I had like fucking wood in the walls Like those slats that they never had These constant they're gonna put plywood And then they're gonna put drywall over the top of that

And I'm just gonna be like Oh, that's the same thing, isn't it? Mr. Bear, we're sorry You didn't have the premium coverage If you had your premium coverage We would have paid for what you're asking No, you wouldn't know You would have found some other fucking reason

Not to pay me That's why you're in the big building, isn't it? Huh? Why do you have a pinky ring? How did you get that? Huh? Is there some old woman in a wet house coat Trying to figure out how to eat a fucking alpo

Is that how you got that fucking ring? You know what's funny is the insurance adjuster Hasn't even come over here yet And I've already been screaming at the windshield of my car Because I know what these fucking cunts are gonna do You know, they did it to the entire city of New Orleans They're not gonna do it to me You know, I'm my own little city here

I don't have any fucking... You know, there's no Sean Penn Fucking rowing a boat up to my house Coming to rescue me, is there? You know, I don't think there is I'm on my own, you know what? That's fine, I don't need anybody I've already resigned myself to the fact

That I am gonna fucking Not only restore this goddamn Fucking cocksucking fucking room Sorry guys I'm in a mood here I am gonna fucking I'm gonna make it even better Okay, that's what I'm doing

I don't give a shit If I have to do stand-up gigs In, I don't know One of those apartheid countries in front of a fucking dictator Like Beyonce did Shaking her fucking perfectly round ass On New Year's Eve You think I'm above that?

I'll do it the fucking day after Thanksgiving I'll give you a fucking Two for one Easter and flag day You can have me in a Hawaiian shirt In whatever fucking Compound you're living in To keep the people from

Storming the damn thing Cause you made a deal with the CIA And you gave away the fucking oil, didn't you? I'll come down there, I'll do my act in you fucking FOIA Alright, I'm gonna get some of that blood money I'm gonna get some of that blood money And I'm gonna fucking restore this goddamn room Back to the way it was supposed to be

You know, cause that's what the fuck I've been doing I've been sitting here for the last fucking couple of days And I've been finding out Where all the goddamn stuff is that I need Have I cursed enough? I'm really gonna take this down a notch, don't I? Or does it make you feel better about yourself? He swears we more than I do

Shit, I'm a fucking moron I never, I never passed nothing You know, you make somebody an airlock You know, I was good at math, but I wasn't too good in history Well, I like I was good in history But I wasn't good with that woodworking stuff Shit, right? I'm one of them motherfuckers

One of them few motherfuckers I ain't good at shit I sucked from the second I pulled into the parking lot Shit, she called my name and I forget What the fuck she was talking about You know, and maybe she just feel like Lenny and I feel like just sitting there, you know Just sitting there wondering why my dick was hard

You know Am I having a nervous breakdown? Oh, Christ So I was looking, I forgot to look this shit up God damn it So I've been looking up all these old houses that they have out here In Los Angeles, by the way, specifically the Pasadena area Has these amazing houses out there

And I've just been looking up how people went about restoring them Now, if they were able to fucking restore an entire God damn house There has to be enough shit left for me to do a room, right? Please tell me that It just sounded like fast Eddie and fucking Reservoir Dogs Please tell me, somebody's got the diamonds, okay?

Can somebody just please fucking tell me? So anyways, I started looking up all these houses, right? And this is back, you know Back in the day, I'm a big fan of fucking blue blood money When there was a name attached to it You know, back in the day, like people knew The names of the rich cunts that were stealing from them They knew what they looked like, they knew where they lived

It was unreal The Vanderbilt's, the Aster's, the Rockefellers The Rothschilds, you know And then you had the people who started, you know Like Procter and Gamble That wasn't just a name, those were fucking people Like there's a house out in Pasadena called the Gamble House It was made by these guys, green and green, and they did those

What do you call them? What do you call them, craftsmen, American craftsmen's houses So they would build a house for them And everybody would be born, how much money do you think Procter and Gamble have, and you drive by Well, there's the Gamble House right there That's Gamble's house, what does fucking Procter's look like You know, Johnson and Johnson, all those goddamn families

So anyways, I was looking these things up And there's this house out in Pasadena Called the Blacker House, the Robert R. Blacker House And, uh, what, uh, come on, you fuck it I can't, you know, it's not how dumb I am I can't even click on something Hang on a second, here it is, let me click on this shit The Blacker House out in Pasadena

You can't believe what happened, this house is fucking unbelievable I actually drove by it the other day like a goddamn stalker Looking at it, and, um This house was made, I guess, for this guy Robert and Nellie Blacker, right So typical, you know, rich people They got this fucking unbelievable house You know, built at the turn of the last century

So it's all this wood, you know, they're cutting down like Fucking 150, 200 year old trees or whatever So the shit's solid as a rock, you know As opposed to that fucking bullshit They got down at home depot, you know Fucking shit's grown down in El Salvador By some fucking eight year old, you know Once the tree's taller than the kid

They make the kid saw it down four in the morning Before they make them fucking plant another one And start watering it, you know You don't realize that, that's how trees grow now Eight year olds, they teach them how to sleep on their feet They sleep like standing up and they sit there like Just slowly watering them all night And then it causes them to grow faster

It's a whole, it's a whole, uh I saw it on 60 minutes, you guys should check it out If you get a chance, if you got a hulu You might want to look that up But anyways, so they made this amazing house And all the furniture and all the shit in it And the chandeliers and all of that Are basically worth a small fortune now

So what happened is, of course, the fucking lady Outlives the guy, why? Because when shit hits the fan Women cry and guys fucking deal with it That's why, bang, there it is Did the bell go off in your head? That's the first sexist moronic thing That I'm gonna say, well, not first moronic

But the first moronically sexist thing That I'm gonna say in this fucking podcast Alright? When the shit hits the fan The ladies, they fucking cry That's what they do The guys, we're crying on the inside But we gotta hold that shit together

As we push an Ikea couch under the fucking waterfall That's coming through the top of your house That's what we do They go, oh my god, it's ruining everything And they get it out We don't So hence, 35 fucking years later We drop of a heart attack while we're mowing the lawn

Because in the middle of our chest It was, oh my god, it's ruining everything It's still fucking in there Attached to, oh my god, the car isn't gonna start All that fucking shit is just one big fucking ball Sitting there Right on top of your head And then that's it, you fucking keel over

And then she has the nerve to stand there going I told him to stop eating red meat I told him to have a salad He didn't like it He said that food was for the queens Um, anyways So this fucking house This fucking house

They kept everything Like all original, right up until the 40s So that stuff was already 40 years old They already weren't making furniture Well, maybe in the 40s they kind of still will But the style had changed So if you walked into that house In mid, like 1945, when this woman died

It was like stepping back in time Like 45 years They gave it going to an old person's house And you see their stereo If they kept it in an immaculate condition The car they're driving They're fucking can opener Well, maybe not now

But back in the day and then old can opener You know, be made to some real fucking materials Instead of some plastic hunk of shit Right, they had all that stuff And they had all those beautiful sconces And the chandeliers and all that stuff On the walls and on the ceiling Everything, right

So anyways, in the will The lady says whoever buys this house It's all-encompassing You have to buy the house It comes with all the furniture They had what looks like another house behind it That was just for visitors Like a mother-in-law suite

Looked like a fucking four-bedroom colonial That was the guest house That's how big this fucking house was They had a greenhouse They had this giant property So when you went in and bought it After she died The person had to buy everything

And it wasn't allowed to sell off anything So, of course, she dies And then the fucking greedy cunts What do they do? They sell the house And then that person immediately divides it up Sells off the mother-in-law suite Gets rid of the greenhouse

Cuts up the fucking property Has an infamous fucking yard sale And sells all of this unbelievable furniture And to this day, it's in museums And private collectors own the shit Gets even worse what happened to this fucking house This is what makes me feel better about me Because I only lost one room

It's a beautiful fucking house with all this shit They already lost all the furniture, right? But they still have the windows And the chandeliers and all that shit Some cunt buys it in 1985 Who's a fucking deals in like vintage chandeliers And all this stuff He buys the house for a million bucks

Guts the fucking thing Is selling these chandeliers for like six figures To who? I don't know But somehow he's selling them for like a hundred fifty Two hundred grand He's selling the sconces for like a hundred grand He guts the fucking place Replaces everything with a home depot replica piece of shit

It was called the rape of the fucking blacker house Or whatever I'm reading all of this stuff Is this boring to you guys? I don't know what So I've been reading up on all of this shit But whatever somebody bought the house after Was able to restore it

Painstakingly I might add painstakingly So I figured if these guys can do that You know I can restore this one fucking room They're already trying to pull this shit on me Telling me that people don't put plaster up anymore It's like yeah they do I just had my fucking rooms out there replastered

I already have a guy I write you fucking cunt With your plywood and your drywall Is that what you're gonna do? Then why don't I just do it? Why don't I just fucking do it? Because you'd fuck it up Bill Yeah but you know what I could do most of it

Around the windows would be a little bit difficult Because it requires some fucking measurements So anyways that has been That's been my week and I got a bunch of shit I have to do tomorrow right So that's why I'm doing the podcast here Sunday afternoon So anyways I walk into the living room The lovely Nia is watching one of her reality shows

And you know it's these five Just toxic women sitting in this limousine And one of these women is telling this One of these women who's divorced Is telling this happily married woman That she needs to speak up to her husband more And it was basically because the husband said I'm old fashioned

He goes I'm an old fashioned guy So he's out there killing it Making an insane fucking living Right and she's the little homemaker Right so Conti McDivorstein Conti Divorstein there you go Is sitting in the back of the limo

And basically telling the girl Who's fucking she's got the best deal ever She married somebody Who's out there making a fuckload of money And all she's gotta do is keep the house together So all you gotta do You got all fucking day Jesus Christ

How long does it take to sweep the kitchen You know You can even hire a fucking cleaning company Just have the shit clean And when I come home have dinner ready For the life of me For the life of me I don't know why certain people look at that

As slavery You know unless look If you have some fucking dream You know And you have ideas And that type of thing And you want to go out and pursue them By all means

But if you're just going to be another cog in the wheel Bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum Taking the fucking subway to work To go make somebody else's dream come true You know what I mean Why the fuck wouldn't you take that other thing You got all day to get out of the house Go for a fucking walk

You know Dude, I swear to God in another life If I'm a fucking stay-at-home mother I swear to fucking God I am gonna I'm gonna get fucking season tickets To everything To fucking all four sports

And I'm gonna knock out everything I have to do during the day I'm gonna have that fucking dinner ready The second the dude comes in And then when it's over See ya I'm out Fucking running down the thing on my fucking heels And I'll go to the goddamn game

I don't know what they're complaining about You couldn't have more fucking free time You know, even when you have kids You're still running shit You're still the boss You know I don't know I've talked about this shit

So she ends up telling this lady In the fucking back of this limo She's like, you know, that's all well and good She wants the fucking blah, blah, blah But, you know, that old-fashioned stuff Can also be controlling It can also be controlling You know, when people are dumb

Is when they make one point And they have to say it three times in a fucking row To make it sound like they made a bunch of different points But they only made one And now it's not working And now it's not working And now it's not working Do that shit

I don't want to slap them on the side of the head It's like, are you stuck in there? What's wrong with you? I heard you the first time She's fucking driving me fucking nuts with this shit And then she ends it with, you know So if he wants a sandwich He should go out there and have to make it himself

And I just, ugh Oh, that whole fucking shit Women like that are always like, you're not the king You're not the king But then two seconds later You're a queen They would 100% agree with you And it's that classic shit

I think I did it in one of my stand-up things In my stand-up skittles I swear to fucking God Every goddamn thing that they bitch about That they do not want to be done to them They will fucking do to you In a second if you let them Alright?

This is why me and Nia can't watch TV together Because she watches the dumb whore channel And she watches it to laugh at the dumb whores Which if I was a woman I could sit there and laugh at the dumb whores Because at no point Would I be financially Like

Connect, you know what I mean? Like the biggest fear For me anyways Is you're gonna fucking get married The girl's gonna flip on you And then take everything you got And there's nothing you can fucking do about it So when I watch those stupid whores

Full of child support Just fucking lazy Get your fucking life together Losers Decked out. By the way, they were on their way to a titty bar Okay You know, so right there Everybody in the car is fucking suspect

It's like wait, what the fuck How old are you? I don't even go to titty bars anymore But Christ's sake ladies Get your middle-aged pussies Back in the fucking house I make a goddamn sandwich, am I right? You know, bad

I want to go on like Ellen DeGeneres' show And somehow get half of that out Just to see How long, how much of it I could get out Before, I don't know Before somebody what Through the morning after pill at me

I'm a vial of that shit Right at my giant forehead Um Anyways I was just thinking, what if hitting me in the forehead was a carnival game What do you think you would win? It would be so fucking easy My forehead's so goddamn big

You know You'd win one of those, remember those little koalas That you could stick on the end of your pencil Back in the 70s? I'm sure they got a box of those left over somewhere That's what you'd win until they ran out So anyways, this is the Monday Morning Podcast everybody It's ignorant

It's sexist It's great for kids We got some advertising everybody We only got one this week We only got one Strap yourselves in Stamps.com everybody A quick trip to the post office is hardly ever quick

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Did you guys watch the UFC fight GSP versus Nick Diaz I believe his name was Nick I go in and out of watching the UFC I love it I love the UFC I love boxing, I love all that stuff It's just that all the pay-per-views

Are Saturday night Am I right? It's Saturday night And I'm usually doing shows And I miss them I always end up missing them But every once in a while what happens is Like I used to watch it on the Versus Network And I don't give a fuck

You know what level UFC that is It's two people trying to beat the shit out of each other They're way better fighting than I am Like I'm not going to watch that What am I going to watch? Five whores In the back of a limo on the way to a titty bar Talking about how they don't want to make a fucking sandwich You know

Well then get your ass on the stage Oh that's the third sexist moronic one Um Oh god that fucking That girl really annoyed me That woman was happy She was making sandwiches And this girl is such a fucking negative

Cunt It's not enough that she's fucked up Her own relationship She has to fuck this girl's relationship And ruin this guy's thought He's going to come home and be like What the fuck happened? Everything was going great And then she's going to come at him with an attitude

You know, not bringing two nickels Into the fucking relationship You know Alright, let's Let's just let it go Bill Let's just fucking let it go I mean, I don't know, maybe she's making millions On her reality show

I can tell you right now, they probably make less Than comedians Let me ask you this people, when was the last time you bought A box set Of a reality show I don't think they exist That's why they're like disposable That's like the big lighter of fucking

Television shows It doesn't have any legs You know So they pay you once Pay you once and they pay you a shit money You know what, good, I'm glad they're all getting fucked Spending all their money on fucking many Petties

Jesus Christ Am I really that upset about a reality show Or is it the fact that half of my hust Is fucking gutted right now I couldn't even say house Anyways So every once in a while This is the thing for me, I am a sucker

For a boxing or a UFC Promo When they get on there and they do the background They show both the fighters working out And they start telling their stories And everything that they have on the line And how they need to, I swear to God If I start watching one of those fucking things

I'm ordering the fight To the point like I avoid them I avoid them because so many times I order them and then the fight sucks You know It doesn't live up to the hype You know, especially with boxing Jesus fucking Christ

Jesus Christ, I've spent more fucking money On all the way back To the Tyson era The Tyson ones were always worth their money Even though he'd knock them out in fucking 90 seconds It was still like you were watching some Babe Ruth shit You knew it You know, they only went into the Lennox

Lewis years and it just got all fucked up Even half the Oscar De La Jolla ones Towards the end, I got fucked on those You know, and then they always got That great white hope coming in You know, and they show him Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, who? Right, he's skipping rope

And he's got an angry fucking look on his face He would look at him, go, this guy kicked the shit out of me Right, and then the black guy's all confident Like, hey hey, swim there motherfucker And you're like, you know what I'm gonna order this shit And what comes out, all righty tighty tight And that's it, it's fucking over You knew he wasn't fast enough

You knew he was too slow, you knew it But they got you, they fucking hyped the shit up And the fucking dude sat there Not only did he beat his ass He did a little dance, mocking him And then he just knocked him the fuck out That's what happens every goddamn time, right But I still order him

So, the UFC thing, like UFC Championship of the World So I fucking watch, I'm watching Dana White on there Right, and Dana White comes to the podium And I'm going, Bill, don't watch this Fucking promo

Do not watch this promo, because the second You're done watching this, you're gonna take 50, 60 bucks, whatever it is And it's going out the window But there was something about the look on Dana White's face And I'm like, I gotta watch this shit And it comes to the mic, you know Just the mic and he's just like

GSP Snapped Today It is the most angry I've ever seen him He said, Nick Diaz Is the most disrespectful Human being on the planet And he is going to

Absolutely destroy him Something like that, okay And I'm thinking like, GSP, this guy's like the fuck He's like Captain America, he never gets mad At anybody, he doesn't let anybody get under His skin, he fucking stays He's like a robot He just fucking goes in and does what he's gotta do

He's made him that mad, and then I see this Nick Diaz guy, and he just He just looks the part Like fuck you bitch, I'll fuck you up And it was just the two worlds The guy who spikes the Football, and the guy who just hands it To the referee, colliding

I gotta see this shit I wanna see what a furious Fucking GSP Looks like, and I wanna see if this other guy Can actually Back up all this shit talking About the fucking fight It ends up being a great fight

I'm not saying That I got fucked in this fight At all, it's totally worth it And the fight before it was great With that dude from Texas with the heavy hands And the fucking Ulysses S Grant beard Loved it Okay, but this is what pissed me off

At the fucking end of it and made me feel stupid Was in the end You know, Rogan's Interview with the guy And then he was going You know, he seemed like he got really angry And then he just goes And I was waiting for him to be like

Saying this guy is a piece of shit And I'm glad I fucking beat him And I was waiting for him to finally see that side Of him and he just goes GSP's just like, I did not take anything He said, personally He was a great fighter, he did a great job Promoting the fight

Everybody give him a round of applause He is a good guy It's like, what, wait a minute I thought you snapped I thought you did take it personal Am I that fucking stupid I felt like a fucking idiot I did not take it personally

It's like George However you say his name The whole reason I fucking ordered the fight Was because I thought you took it personally I'm an idiot I'm like Charlie Brown trying to kick the football I fall for it

Every fucking time Now maybe it's because he won Or maybe because he's so aware Of his image That he just didn't let on That the guy annoyed the shit out of him But this fucking sitting there Holding each other's arms up

Man, you know At inches, I don't know He absolutely Snapped today Fast forward, I did not take it personally He is a great guy, come over here We are gonna go play shuffleboard now He is a great guy

He is a good competitor And then the other guy is going like I think I'm done with the MMA, I'm sick of this I don't know what to do now And then George is in the background No, no, no, stick with it You can come back

He's giving him words of encouragement I don't know Am I an idiot But that fucking annoyed me Don't fucking tell me This guy's taken it personally And then I ordered the fight And the fucking guy said he wasn't

That's false advertising I'm just fucking around It was a great fight, but you know what I mean Don't, look I know they're just selling the fight But don't fucking tell me that Everything we said Up until this point was bullshit

I'm actually friends with him And his wife, we go down to Applebee's Every other day We do not take it personally Whatever It was still a great fight I got to keep saying that In case I fucking run into one of those guys

And they headbutt me with their fucking Colored Flowered Ear Even their ears are tough Every time I watch a UFC event You know what it is? It's the fucking kicks That's what kills me It's amazing as it is to watch somebody

Getting fucking taken elbows To their head Fucking actually looking over At the clock like 17 more seconds Of this I can handle it Maybe if I bring my bloody forehead Closer to his chest He will only maybe

Graze the back of my head I have fresh skin back there That hasn't been broken wide open at this point The level of toughness that is That's a whole other level But when they're just standing up That fucking one dude just kicks the other dude Right where you'd get a charlie horse

And they just take it That fucking blows Like how do you get that tough Dude I'm telling you right now If I was standing in line At a fucking grocery store In some 8 year old I had pants on And some 8 year old came up to me

And just fucking whacked me Punched me I could take a punch from an 8 year old Alright let's move it up here In an 8 year old whose dad is like 6 9 So the kid's already 5 fucking 4 I'm just saying If you ever want to just fucking

Knock me down you don't have to be all fancy And hit me in the jaw just hit me in the leg right there I will crumple like the fucking Plaster in the ceiling of my office Everything just goes back to that doesn't it What else what else can we talk about here Probably we talk hockey Did anybody watch the Bruins pens game

Penguins game they put on A fucking 4 checking clinic They uh They were amazing they look great And the fact that Gino wasn't even back yet Was uh Was pretty scary I mean we have a great defense

So we were able to keep it 2 to 1 But it felt like it was more like 3 1 Like a back in the day 3 1 When 3 1 was like the tipping point Cause then if you went down by 3 goals It was fucking over there was no way you were coming back Then they got rid of the red line You know

Within a minute it's like a tie fucking score But um They look great and Crosby is without a doubt The best player in the fucking league It's insane that fucking line that they have Is terrifying and uh The only thing I'd say is there maybe they're Goaltending I guess it's they're starting to play better

But I don't know about their goaltending I don't know Either way Either way they beat us again We finally beat the capitals that was cool Like a Crosby level Now fuck nobody's a Crosby's level But you know

We need a fucking 50 Potential 50 goal scoring guy Um We need We need a next level guy We got a defense that's all good We got the goaltending that's all good But like this whole shit where we're gonna score

Two fucking goals a game And try to stop these upper echelon teams It's not working Did anybody watch the capitals game? Of course you did Did you see when that dude was at Henderson Or something got kicked out What the fuck his name is

He gets kicked out of the game And some Boston Bruins fan is screaming down At him to the point the guy stops And starts yelling back at him You gotta see I gotta Oh did I erase I think I erased it If anybody's got a copy of it it's a fight About with like five minutes left

In the game This guy just gets taken off the ice Oh is it the end of the second period I don't fucking know all you gotta see the bouncer The security guy Who's in like the tunnel And he fucking comes walking out And just clears his day

He starts pointing at the Bruins fan And he goes hey shut your fucking mouth Shut your fucking and then they cut it I love it I love seeing highlights Where I'm from and seeing the behavior hasn't changed It makes me feel smarter Alright let's get to some

Emails for the week Now a lot of you guys always ask me And I always forget to say you know if you want to email the podcast You want to ask me questions, you want to trash me You want to do whatever the hell you want to do It's bill at themmpodcast.com Bill at the capital M Capital M, capital P

Oddcast.com Alright Army wife relocation Hey there Bill I hope your house is feeling better Thank you It's actually, it's been gutted It's been gutted at this point

That's where we're at I hope your house is feeling better I am an army wife Currently living in Buttfuckingburg Kansas We are stationed at Fort Riley until July this year We had heads over

Heads on over to Afghanistan My conundrum Is where should I move when he leaves Because I sure as hell ain't staying here by myself At any moment I heard a fat dirty pajama bottom Wearing Walmart shoppers With black bottom feet

Jesus can you paint a picture Said could lynch me for being Brown and under 300 pounds I got to get out of here and thankfully I am fortunate to have two choices Of where to go and therein lies The reason that I need your assistance I could move back

To Seattle where I lived two years ago It's all true about Seattle by the way Beautiful clean white depressing Rainy better than Kansas Or I could go to Fort Lauderdale, Florida Where I have never lived But I just visited last week It's a little scary because I haven't driven

Like a complete retard with crystal meth Through my veins So I don't know if I can handle myself on the road But aside from that It's got just as much going Going for me there is Seattle And it's not fucking Kansas I think that with all your travels

You must have some insight That you could really You could relay loudly to me Through your podcast Well personally I would pick Seattle over Fort Lauderdale, Florida Any day of the fucking week

People are smarter You don't have the hurricanes Florida is like a destination state For dirt bags You know what I mean It's one of those LA is a destination city For people like me

I'm going to be a movie star Whatever dumb shit we want to do And then bitch about How flaky everybody is When the reality is it's us We're the ones coming out here And we're not personally invested Nobody's invested in this fucking city

Because you always think I'm going to make my money And then I'm going to get the fuck out of here And everybody's trying to make their money So they're always looking over everybody's shoulder Trying to see the next person Coming in the fucking room And while they say everybody out here is flaky Getting back to what you were talking about

I would go to Seattle I know it raids I know it's fucking depressing Fort Lauderdale I don't know man I mean The fact that it's like People go down there for spring break

Do you want that for like one month Of your year Waking up in your morning here And show your tits Show your tits What do you want to do? You don't want to do that You know you got fucking hurricanes There's alligators

They got mosquitoes the size of my fucking head I don't know I mean you understand all I do Is I fly in and I do a fucking gig Down near like the strip mall area And like I don't know I like the Tampa Bay Lightning

And I like the Devil Race I don't know Florida is Kind of like sunny Kansas In a way You kind of still got the gun culture You kind of still got the Walmart people I'm not saying they're all like that

You know what I mean? Tiger Woods lives there right? Shaq has a place down There's some zillionaires down Then you got the fucking All the movie stars living down there in Miami I don't know I don't know

That's safe to say because I don't fucking play there And I play Seattle so I think I may have A smart business move there Personally I would move to Seattle Yeah fuck that Move to Seattle Go down to the fish market get yourself a fucking Clam sandwich

What the fuck you do I don't know You know I don't know I don't fucking know You got like on the opposite ends of the spectrum Listen were you unbelievably depressed If it's cloudy fucking Nine months out of the year then I wouldn't move there But I'm just letting you know

I saw a t-shirt one of the few really Truly funny t-shirts when I was in Florida It said Florida a sunny place For shady people It's kind of like you know Florida Is the sunny Alaska I guess is what I should call it When there's a lot of people in Alaska

Who have some unfinished business down here In the lower 48 if you know what I mean Wink wink little slap of the nose there Alright there's a lot of people Running from things You know If the skaters don't get them Then the gators will

What fucking song was that That just popped in my head Hang down your head Tom Dooley was that the one Hang down your head and cry Bow bow bow bow hang down Oh boy you're bound to die That's funny back then you could have

Like a hit song just talking about somebody Who killed a woman and then got hung A matter on the mountain Blah blah blah blah blue Matter on the mountain Stabbed her with my nose Hang down your head Tom Dooley that's the song about it

Hang down your head you know Like I'm supposed to feel bad for Tom Dooley It's like you fucking killed your girlfriend Go fuck yourself Tom Alright addicted to vagina The next one everybody How's it going there Billy boy I'm a 22 year old college student

You're not addicted to vagina You're a 22 year old college student You're doing what you should be doing You don't have an addiction alright You're sowing your oats What the fuck they say I've been seeing this girl for a while Nothing serious but we've been hooking up

Here alright so you got a side piece Nothing wrong with that She's incredible looking What the hell am I She has the natural body of a Playboy model She's the kind of girl who doesn't need makeup Are you going to keep saying the same thing

Over and over again I'm jealous you son of a bitch She has long blonde hair And she's the most amazing Fuck that can possibly exist Oh this is the curse of a guy However I want to fuck somebody else right You're ferocious in bed What does she growl at your balls

Easy lady easy And for some reason she thinks We're in the same league He goes but I hate her I hate everything about her Every contrived opinion that falls Out of her soft perfect lips Every shitty band she tries

To get me to listen to One funny air quote joke She insists on repeating over and over And over every going to Nowhere story she spends five Hours telling me I hate her Oh my god But I just keep agreeing to

To see her I've manned up and stopped replying To her text messages a few times now And blocked her on Facebook But before long she'll send me a text About some nonsense And all of a sudden I'm standing next to her again

It's like a compulsion I feel like a heroin addict I get laid but fucking other girls Just feels like drinking non-alcoholic beer At this point Can I just stop and say a lot of you guys Are really good writers Like that Kansas one was written really well

This was great Should be in Readers Digest They would fucking loosen the belt a little Anyways what do I do Man up and suppress my instincts Throw her out the bedroom window Or quit cold turkey I never miss the podcast

Love to go see you do a gig in Ireland Go fuck yourself What do you do You know what I've never been able to solve that problem You know Unless she just jerked off You know

She's going to text you And it's going to be a layup And she's gore Guys can't say no to layup pussy We just can't Unless we head over heels and love And I guess

When you meet the right one Then he can say no but you know what It still pisses you off Fucking Annoyed you Because like when you're with the person You're supposed to be with And then somebody throws you a little something

And it could fucking happen And you don't fucking do it You come home and you want to get credit for it And women go Why should you get credit for something that you should be doing And it's like you know what Go fuck yourself Because go fuck yourself

That's why Because you're not me You're not a guy To fucking be weak So we will fuck you So we could get out of the cave So we could fucking progress So we would procreate

We are wired Wired To fuck This is such a moronic Fucking podcast I love it Alright so what should you do Alright well ultimately in life

What do you want to be married to The woman in your dreams Or some girl who's ferocious in bed But you fucking can't stand Everything that comes out of her mouth You gotta get rid of this girl It's not gonna get any better You did it a zillion times

You gotta go cold turkey You gotta cut her off Cause what's gonna happen Is if you stay with her And you end up fucking getting feelings for her She might fuck you over And then the fucking looks go away And then you're just with this fucking idiot

Who can't tell a joke, can't tell stories And listens to shitty music And eventually you're gonna pull a fill specter That's what I'm going to do Your hair's gonna be all over the place You're gonna stick a gun in her mouth It's gonna be horrible You don't want to do that

Alright What is hard though Is just saying she's so good in bed That it makes all the other girls seem like One of the That's one of the dangers Of going out and living life Is uh

People who never leave their hometown They just fucking stay there They don't know what the fuck they're missing So they can actually in a way You know Live a happier existence Just by not fucking knowing The fact is now, you know

You know a level Of uh, of banging That you didn't know before Oh Jesus Christ Yeah Yeah, you know You're in trouble, sir I can tell you this

You know, just standing outside of it Listening to it, you gotta get rid of her You can't stand her, just get rid of her You just fucking her, eventually those tits Are gonna fucking sag But that mouth's still gonna work Okay, and when she's not blowing you That's an awful story, so you know what you need to do

Um So there you go I would just man up and get rid of it And it's like, I don't know, the longer you get away from it You know Here's a great thing You know what I don't know, next time you fucking

Rub one out, think of her immediately afterwards Alright, and that's gonna be Your true fucking feeling about her Alright Ha ha ha Facebook messages Hey, dear Billy I need your help dealing with the girlfriend issue

I have been seeing My lady since December I'm 30 and she is 27, that's a good fucking age difference I like it, she lived in the city And I lived in the country, we started as a Long distance relationship, but it got serious Quickly, and now she has moved

Back home Um, she's What is this, fucking Green Acres Boop, boop, boop Um, she is busy Buying her own house, but has Stayed with me for the last two weeks We've talked about me moving in with her

We tell each other, I love you And we're making plans for the future Etc, etc So today, I log onto my Computer and her Facebook page is still Logged in, uh oh This is a whole new world, man The Facebook thing

Me being a curious creep I started snooping In the message section, I find a conversation She's had with the former boyfriend On February 1st, she tells the guy I still miss your face Don, it's over Walk away

Walk away Like De Niro in heat Just fucking get up and walk out It's over I don't need, I don't even need to Read the rest of this, sir It is fucking over But I'll keep reading it, just because

I have to fill up an hour here But I know, you know, the people listen And know Um Anyways, he goes I don't see any response from the guy Then on February 11th She trolls out another message

I love how now you're stalking her Facebook page, as well you should You had probable cause? You never did, no you were a creep And then you find, you know what You wouldn't stand up in court cause you didn't have a warrant But you know what, you got instinct And you can't teach that

Um Anyways She trolls out another message that says Hope all is well And again, no response Yeah dude, she's settling for you I hate to tell you that, but she's settling for you What she's trying to do

Is if this motherfucker goes You know, I miss your face too She's out Alright, but if he doesn't He doesn't get back to her She's gonna settle For you Okay?

I'm not saying you're a bad person I'm just saying the feeling isn't there She's settling for you Which means the entire time of your fucking marriage Every time you're not looking at her She's just gonna be staring at the back of your head Looking at your dumb shoulders Something just going like

How the fuck did I end up with You know, you don't want to be that You gotta get somebody who's crazy about you Anyways, here we go There was some previous, somewhat explicit Messages they sent back and forth Before we got together And messages about how they should text

Instead of Facebook All that being said, she is good to All that being said, however everybody She is good to me I'm good to her And we have fun, a fun loving relationship I had solid trust and now I'm very confused

How should I approach her with this I know if I keep it to myself It's going to fester And really piss me off Would you head for the hills immediately Or give the relationship a chance Thanks and go fuck yourself This is what I would do

I would be 100% honest with her Say listen, I gotta be honest with you What the fuck is today The 18th, about a month and a half ago I went to use the computer And your Facebook page was open And even though I shouldn't have looked I did look

And then she's going to start crying And she's going to start fucking She's going to turn her fucking cap around Backwards and get in your face and start screaming Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah Fuck all of that She's going to comment you like that Because she knows what's coming

All right And don't get mad Don't take the fucking bait You have to hang on to your fucking emotion She's going to cry Or she's going to yell Or she's going to do both How could you still

Well you didn't trust me anyways Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah And you don't have the line that they have Where they just female intuition They get to hide behind that Like guys don't have any fucking instincts Like we weren't blessed with any of that You know, fucking

Chasing down saber-toothed tigers With sharpened sticks Like we weren't blessed with any sort of instinct Give me a fucking break All right So anyways, she's going to cry Or she's going to yell, or she's going to do fucking both And you just stand there

And you let her do it All right And when she's done yelling And crying or whatever the fuck it is Just say, yeah And I saw a message that you wrote to an old boyfriend Saying, I still miss your face You know

And then you tried to contact him again On the 11th, and it's been bugging me And I didn't want to bring this up to you Because I didn't want to look like a creep And I didn't want to hurt your feelings That I don't trust you, but Um You obviously still have feelings for this person

And I guess you're settling for me Like if this guy doesn't get back to you Then you're going to move forward and settle for me And that's not what I want I want someone who's crazy about me And doesn't have other issues You seem to have

Unresolved stuff with this guy And um I'm not getting any younger So You know And then she's here breaking up with me And all this shit and just keep going Listen

There's a face that you miss, sweetheart And it's not mine Ha ha ha You know Sir Take your heart and stick it on the Fucking nightstand And go into your brain

Alright Get some self esteem here This is fucking bullshit Alright All that being said, she's good to me She's not good to you Not 100% Alright

I'm telling you Get out of it Fuck that Alright, did I make myself clear Alright, next one UFOs Dude, my question is in here somewhere Oh fuck sakes

I gotta read all of this Brace yourselves, everybody Dude, did I tell you guys I fucking got on the goddamn scale And I'm 185 I was all the way down to 170 pounds I fucking You skinny then, I should have been like 172

That's my fighting weight I put on 13 fucking pounds I think, you know what's The dumbest thing you can do Is when you don't want to get on the scale You're like, I should get on the scale No, don't, because I don't want to know You're just signing yourself off to another fucking

10 fucking pounds I had a waffle witch in Wisconsin What the fuck was I thinking I was on that crack again I was hitting the pipe, I was doing the sugar And arm wrestle, you know So now I gotta I gotta go run the fucking stairs now

I did that to myself Because I had a fucking waffle witch In Grand Rapids Fucking with Michigan It wasn't just the Waffle Witch, I had McDonald's twice You know, why did I have McDonald's

I don't know I don't know why I did I went by, I was like, you know I haven't had one of those in a while And I fucking, you know, hit the pipe again Had that I started drinking Miller High Life in a fucking can They had the talls right down the street

And it became like this ritual I watch a hockey game, I throw back a tall You know, hey Maybe I'm about two, next thing you know I'm having one a period And then I'm looking down on my stomach And I'm going like, nah, really, come on This isn't ham, I'm alright

I had a banana for breakfast, right I'm fine Asshole, I'm a fucking asshole Hey, a piece of cake yesterday I had green frosting, what the fuck is wrong with me What am I doing, you know When am I going to bottom out So I bottomed out, so now I'm back

I'm down to about a buck 82, I've dropped like a couple Two or three pounds And, you know Ah, it's fucking moron I'm moron Bill Clinton before the heart attack Up and down, up and down with the fucking weight

Alright, UFOs, dude, my question is in here somewhere I am nowhere near a conspiracy Freak or anything like that But I do admit I get a hard on for any Documentary on that secret military base In Nevada that is called Area 51 The government is supposed Well, I mean, believe me

Aliens, like I don't know That's really not that Crazy You know, you think like How big the fucking Universes There's just life on one planet

No life anywhere else Despite the fact that they see evidence Of water on Mars at some point You know, I'm telling you guys We're not that special If you got and you made the whole universe Are you, I'm just going to sit back Watching one fucking

Planet, maybe that's why the earth is so Fucked up, I don't think he's been watching us For the last couple thousand, when was the last time he reached out Reach out, reach out Reach someone out Alright, when was the last time he fucking Did that, when was the last time he fucking Was in a burning bush going hey, hey, you there

You there with the long fucking curvy stick Next to the sheet, come over here Come over to the burning bush You know, when was the last time he did that I think he's been watching other earths Um, flipping through the Channels, you know Can you imagine how clear his fucking

How big do you think God's flat screen TV is How clear Is that picture I bet even if you make it to heaven You know You don't even get to see it Like he comes out of his office and you try to Peek in real quick

And like the human eye, it's just too much Of a fucking glare, right Um, so anyways, yeah You believe in aliens, I mean I mean, I don't know That we can reach one another You know, that whole flying saucer fucking Or shit

I mean, how long can you go With artificial breath You know, some sort of atmosphere in there It was like on Star Trek I mean, they just had this limitless supply Of fucking oxygen Just fucking flying through space Now look at them

They landed on a lot of planets that had oxygen They would just land on these planets And they just had oxygen I think what they did was They landed The Starship Enterprise And they just opened the windows and they got some more oxygen And then they flew away, right?

Isn't that how it works? Anyways The government supposedly is housing And researching crashed UFOs And uses deadly force For regular people out Do you have any opinion on the subject? I think I just said

I mean, I don't fuck Do I think they actually have the bodies of aliens? Do you realize like the level of secrecy You would have to have if you actually had that shit That would be like one of the things before they went in the room It's like, okay, we're gonna let you in this room And You gotta understand, when you go in this room

The door is closing and you're never getting out Because you're gonna see some fucking shit in here That I don't give a fuck You're not, if you have one Shot a Nyquil You're gonna be blabbering about it You can't do it So I don't know

I don't fucking know Anyways He goes, what does your bullshit meter say? I think there's way too much of a veil of secrecy Around the place to think otherwise I used to know someone who was a career Air Force pilot Whenever the subject of that base Or those mysterious flights

Mysterious lights over Phoenix Seen in 1997 came up He completely removed himself From the conversation Those mysterious lights I don't even know what you're talking about For all you know, they're just testing some Psycho fucking weaponry

You know? When the new Yankee Stadium came out In like 08 or 09 And they were like, we have 2013 technology Alright If those fucking morons That run that place Can have shit that we're not gonna have

You know, they can be 4 or 5 years ahead of us Can you imagine what the government is? I mean, they gotta have shit from like, I don't know 2014 I have no fucking idea Anyways, he says, quite frankly The evening's laughs would end Right after the topic was brought up

I believe in life outside of our universe To think that we human All of Earth's inhabitants are the only life Anywhere is just plain ignorant 100% agree with that I'm sure you've heard stories about President Nixon secretly showing UFOs and aliens to his favorite

Comedian Jackie Gleason That's a complete crock of shit What would you, like he's gonna do that? Alright, now I know I'm not Supposed to show you that I know I'm not supposed to show you that I know where we go That was a bad Nixon impression right there

What would happen if you were showing some stuff like that? I imagine I would immediately be Microchipped or shot in the back Of the fucking head Would you tell about it? I wouldn't want to know about that If I actually found out about that It would blow my fucking mind

I, you know what it is? Look, maybe your Air Force guy Buddy there has seen something Because I would say that like No, but you know what, he laughs Right up until that moment If he wasn't laughing at all Throughout all your conversation

Then I would believe it more Because I know if I knew some shit like that And then I would sit there And listening to people talking about God and holy shit that we believe down here That didn't include aliens I would feel like a fucking alien Because I would be like

Yeah, we're just a speck of dust there people And there's all this other stuff out there And Yeah, it would drive me nuts After a while Yeah, no I'm not cut out for that fucking The kind of secrets I can keep

Are like You know It stays in the locker room kind of shit You know what I mean? You live your life You want to fucking live your life You know? Until like if you're

Look, if you're pouring shit into the water supply You know If you're doing stuff like that If you're fucking vandalizing the neighborhood I live in Then go fuck yourself Alright, but you know The other bullshit I look the other way But if I knew there was fucking aliens

Yeah, no Look, I'm too fucking stupid There's no way they would tell it to me If I was in the air force How far in the air force you think I would get Do you think I'd get anywhere beyond the guy with the two sticks Playing in You know?

Anyways, he says Blackhawks first Bruins For the 2013 Stanley Cup Hawks in fives, maybe six I don't see us Making the Stanley Cup finals I hate to say that unless we make a trade I know we're looking for Alfredson But I don't know who we're going to give up for him

But I saw A gap Between us and The Pittsburgh penguins I'd be interested to see how those Some of the other teams I'm going to start watching the penguins

I'm waiting to see when they play the Canadians Because I want to see if the Canadians are as good as their record Because they're fucking killing it right now They really are Oh, by the way That almost made me stop rooting for GSP When the crowd started going oh lay Oh lay, oh lay, oh lay

The only thing that saved me was he had the Quebec Nordique tattoo On the back of his cap Alright, this guy fucking He likes the avalanche Alright, Belinsky Many times you've said we're all doomed Because of overpopulation But it's actually the opposite

We are doomed because people are not having enough children Oh Jesus Okay From Oh Jesus Did you join a cult, sir? Alright, you know what? I'll go along with this

The following article discusses What I'm talking about I'll put this link up on the podcast page for everybody to read Essentially, America's fertility rate Is declining, meaning the population Will get older and older As it also shrinks, meaning More healthcare costs and fewer reasons

For businesses to innovate And provide better products Also, global population growth Is slowing to a halt and will begin to shrink Within 60 years I don't know where you're getting your stats From, sir, but Okay

Low fertility societies Don't innovate because they're Incentives for consumptions Tilt overwhelmingly Toward healthcare They don't invest aggressively because the average Age skewing higher and capital shifts to preserving Ba de ba de ba do ba ba de

Sir, are you addressing Are you ever going to address what the environment Are you going to address what we've done To the environment Or are you one of those people who believes that Seven billion people on this planet Okay, and that horseshit out there In the Pacific Ocean

That's fucking two and a half Times the size of Texas and two miles Deep, that swirling pile Of trash out there We put a fucking Hole in the ozone layer Okay, less people As far as

For the survival of humanity Okay, fuck all Selling widgets and all Of that horseshit and everybody's going To be on the iron lung if we don't have Any babies A bunch of people need To die

They need to die off There's way too many fucking people There's only so much fresh water There's only so much natural resources There's only so much fish you can pull Out of the ocean There's only so much fucking shit you can throw in The ocean before there's that tipping point

What you're sending me sir Is not facts What you're sending me is an angle This is this guy's I will read this angle Okay But What I love is that

Someone has written that Overpopulation You're like many times you said that We're all doing because of overpopulation But it's actually the opposite What, because this guy says so So the other smart people that Wrote those other studies

They're immediately all full of shit Because this other guy said this You know? Did you read the shit that I read? Because I'll read your thing But I think the problem is that Human beings will never stop believing

That we're fucking important And that we're made in God's image And all that other fucking ego Mediac shit That eventually causes you To have fucking eight kids and go out And buy two flat screen fucking TVs The solution sir

Is not more people Okay I mean think about it What Were we doomed back in the day A thousand years ago What was the world population then Were we doomed

We somehow survived How are we not gonna survive sir Because of these healthcare costs We have a national debt That we're never gonna fucking pay We're still all going to work every day People still have apples in their mouths When they want them

I don't understand what the fuck you're saying The greatest thing that could happen For the possible, I believe For the survival of humanity Is if there was way less of us Way fucking less Way way way fucking less Alright and if you somehow

Were able to weed out sociopaths Along the fucking way And selfish cunts I think if you just weeded out sociopaths And selfish cunts you'd have the right number On this planet And I think it would be under seven figures Whatever sir

I'm just fucking with you I'll read your I'll read your shit But don't come at me like you fucking know What you're talking about any more than I do Because you read some stupid article Um I love how it's all based around business

Low fertility societies don't innovate Because their incentives for consumptions Tilt overwhelmingly towards health care Uh I don't I just In philosophy I just don't believe in it Whatsoever Alright but I am a moron

But I think I'm smarter than you because I can admit that Alright that's the podcast for this week everybody As always If you'd like to donate to this podcast Just go to the amazon link On my podcast page Billbird.com click on the podcast page You just click on the amazon link if you want to buy something

It'll take you right to amazon Doesn't add any money They kick me a little bit of money for whatever you buy And then I take a 10% of that and I send it on To the wounded warriors project And uh that's it That's the podcast for this week go fuck yourselves And I will uh hopefully this time next week

I will find myself Uh somebody Knows how to put together my house the way it used to be If anybody lives in the Los Angeles area And has lived through this shit and wanted to Restore the wood and everything to the way it was And you know If a contractor or somebody please uh

Send me an email Bill at themmpodcast.com Look me up on twitter, facebook Anything reach out to me I am open to all suggestions And I really appreciate everybody who's helped me So far to steer Me in the right direction it means a lot to me

Alright go fuck yourselves we'll talk to you next week