Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 3-19-18

Episode Date: March 20, 2018

Bill rambles about the Easter Bunny, bowling alleys and Takes From The Tour Bus.

In the mountains, in the kitchen, even in the living, they are really everywhere to ride the empty baths. But now we go to the finish, bring them to a Bebath collection point quickly. You will always find one in your neighborhood on Bebath.be Bebath! Together, better for nature and for all of us. Campaign in cooperation with the OVAM. What's going on? How are ya? Is that loud enough? My ears shot. What's going on? I'm really, I'm super late. I apologize. I apologize to anybody.

I may have offended Rolex Americans. Anybody indigenous to the clock world? You know, sorry, original. I learned that when I was up in Canada. They do not want to be called indigenous. They want to be called the originals. The OGs. Jesus, this shit. That's what they want to be called. Pre-provinces. You white motherfuckers. I believe that's what they said. Except they said it with a drum.

No, they didn't. The originals up in Canada, do they communicate through drums too? You know, it's so funny once white people got their hands on it, all of a sudden all communication just stopped. With that instrument. Well, that's because we invented the fucking phone, you dumb fuck. Hey, keep it fucking classy there. Sorry. I'm in a fucked up mood. I flew back from Toronto late last night. I was in Kitchener, or Kitchener. I have no idea.

I came up with a great fucking touristy t-shirt for those people out there. All right, if you can't stand the heat, get out of the Kitchener. They need something. They need some swagger out there because everybody was giving me shit. Why are you playing all the way out there? First of all, I was just in Toronto, and then secondly, those people like Entertainment too, but now they got to drive an hour and a half all the way in. They got to pay for parking if they're going to booze. Now they got to get a room, and all of a sudden becomes this big fucking deal.

So I like going to places like Kitchener and Hamilton. That Casino on the other side of Detroit, and then there was that other one, that Casino Rama. That gig where I left the rental car. Have I tell you guys that fucking story? I left a rental car there, man. We went out, we did the show. I'm not naming any names in this one. Okay, me and some friends of mine. Okay, not my usual friends. These friends were readers. These were big readers, and they never predicted anything. They didn't predict someone was going to be a Hall of Famer after one at bat.

It was not anybody like that. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge. Anyways, so we were up there at Casino Rama, and we drove up from someplace else. I can't remember. We'd done a couple gigs out there, and like March Madness was going on, or some sort of ladies hockey for some metal or some shit. I can't remember what, and we went up, did the show, and we went out and got fucking hammered. Hammered, knowing that we had an early flight, and that I had to return this rental car. So we keep looking at the watch. Guys, you know, we kind of got to be up at 5 a.m.

It's midnight. It's five hours sleep. One more, one more, blah, blah, blah. Next thing we got in, I swear to God, like three in the frigging morning. And I am hammered. Did I mention I was drunk? I was fucking hammered. So wake up like two hours later, you know, with a bunch of snacks open from the fucking hotel bar, one of those nights, you know, trying to get down like another whiskey. I mean, we got one swig out of it, like Denzel in that movie where he fucking flies the plane upside down. He somehow overcomes losing his rear stabilizer.

And the first guy ever in the history of aviation. And then I, you know, open can of Pringles and a Kit Kat, I think. So I stumbled downstairs, right? We're, you know, and we get in the fucking car, right? I'm still fucking hammered. I'm like, guys, I'm too fucking drunk to drive. And then like, the airport's right down the street. This is how every fatal drinking and driving story happens. It's right down the street. So we look at our fucking GPS because we're still, we're still on the hotel's fucking thing there. And we were trying to memorize it because none of us got a plan when we were up there.

Well, wouldn't you know, we leave the hotel's fucking airspace and we can't figure out where we're going. It's fucking low visibility. It's still pitch blackout and now we have no map. I don't know where I'm at and we're all fucking hammered. And I was just like, dude, I can't do this. So we literally got like a fucking quarter mile down the street, turned back around, go back to the hotel. We say listen to it because we kind of, you know, hit it off with the guy behind the fucking the counter. Can you do us a favor? You know, can you, is there any way you can return this rental car? The guy goes, no problem, no problem. We'll call you a cab. I got my buddy. He'll come down.

He'll return the fucking thing, blah, blah, blah, no problem. So now we're sweating it, right? But turns out the pilots and shit are also waiting for a car and we were on that flight or whatever. Somehow. So I can't remember. It's all fucking foggy. So we end up getting there. We make the flight back. Laughing our asses off. Hey, we did it. You know, what a good shit that guy returns the fucking car. What an awesome guy, right? And I passed out on the plane and I wake up in LA like nothing ever happened. So I fucking maybe like three weeks later, I get this phone call from the rental company.

And they were like, yeah, Mr. Burr, are you ever going to return that rental car? I told this story wrong. I shouldn't have told you that I left it to the hotel guy. I had completely forgot. I didn't even, that's how drunk I was. I didn't even remember that part where I said that I was going to fucking, that I told the guy at the hotel. And I was like, yeah, return it returned like three weeks ago. And at this point I've done like three more road gigs. So I don't even remember it. And I'm like, yeah, yeah, I did. How did you get my number? You keep my number? I was all about me. So they start badgering me in my fucking world.

And I'm just like, you know, I have like the fourth or fifth phone call. I was like, listen, stop calling me. I returned the rental car. Stop calling me on my cell phone. I'm at work and blah, blah, blah. And then just one time, I don't know what happened. Like the sixth time they called me, something just clicked. I was like, wait a minute. Was that that gig where I was hammered? And there were clouds on the ground and I, the guy behind the counter said he was going to, or some people called fog. We're going to fucking return the rental car. Oh, fuck.

So I had to call after yelling at these people at a column. I'd be like, yeah, listen, I'm the guy you called like six times ago. I got really drunk and I tried to drive, but I couldn't, the guy at the hotel said he was going to bring it back. I'm thinking dead. They ended up fucking going down to the car. We're still sitting there. I had to pay a month's rental on that thing. I can't even fucking tell you how much money that cost me. But whatever, that's not the big news. The big news as announced by barstool sports.

Remember I was telling you rough and rowdy was going to be a juggernaut and I would just blah, blah, blah that. And I thought it was just the greatest frigging idea ever. It's literally, it's like American Idol meets the UFC. All those people that think they can fucking sing and want to prove it and then look what happened. Some of them come out of there and they win Grammys. So who knows, maybe one of these people when there's rough and rowdy thing could actually someday get in the UFC house. Right. And then, then next thing, you know, fucking, he's on one of those pay-per-views. But until then, they're at the barstool sports, rough and rowdy.

Number three, trois. And I'm actually going to be ringside throwing in some jokes. You guys got to get this, man. You have to get this fucking pay-per-view. I'm telling you, I'm going to be making fun of people. I'll be making fun of myself. It's $15.99 to watch regular people beat the shit out of each other. You know what I mean?

It's the greatest thing. Greatest thing of all time. This is like, there's certain things you just see coming. You're like, this is going to be fucking huge. The second I saw this, it's like, I'm going to watch every fucking one of these things. And I don't know, I was just talking positively about it. And then Barstool reached out to me with an email and they're like, you want to do this? So it's just like, yeah.

Fuck yeah. Absolutely. I'm going to be there. So tune in. Let me see if I can get you the date here. I'm so fucking excited about this. I can't even tell you when the hell is it going to be? I'm the worst.

Does anybody promote shit worse than me? I know that it's going to be in Charlotte, North Carolina. April 13th. It's going to be April 13th. It's going to be in Atlanta, former hometown of the nature boy, Rick Flair. I mean, everything's just, this is serendipity. It's all fucking lining up. I can't wait.

So please, you and your friends, order the goddamn fight, get yourself some beers. And who knows, maybe you watch, you'll get inspired and the next time you'll be on it. That's just that easy. You ever want to be on TV, try to knock somebody out? Finally, there's a vehicle for you. So anyways, why are you so late today, Bill? Well, I had a busy day. I flew back from Toronto after two awesome shows in Kitchener.

They're definitely, they're on, they're on the toilets now. They have such awesome people there and a great venue. And so I flew back late at night because I wanted to be, you know, get home late at night. So when my daughter woke up the next day, I was going to be there. You know what I mean? Because of what I do, you know, I miss some days sometimes, you know? The UPS guy comes walking up the walk and she's pointing going, da, da, da, da. Like I can't handle that.

I have too much fucking guilt over it. All right? However, I do have to provide for my family. So anyways, I hung with my daughter in the morning and then I had this meeting from 10 to 12. And then when I came back, my wife told me that she was going to take our daughter to go see the Easter Bunny. And I was like, well, I don't want to miss that. So I went over there and, you know, last year she was fine. Because she was only like, you know, four or five months old.

And this year she's like, you know, coming up on a year and a half or whatever. And, you know, I just felt this vibe. I was just, she was looking at the fucking person in this outfit. And I'm just looking at it like, I don't know about this one, right? So we're trying to be like, hey, the bunny's fucking waving at her and shit. And I went up and I'm shaking the rabbit's hand and stuff like, see, it's safe. It's not cutting my head off. And she's just looking at the rabbit like, I don't know about this, man.

She's like that dude in platoon. I got a bad feeling about this, man. So we bring her up there and immediately like I go to kind of hand it to the fucking dude in the bunny suit. And I just feel her just grab two handfuls of my t-shirt. I'm like, oh no. And then she started screaming and then I handed it to my wife. My wife ended up having to sit down with her with the rabbit. She's totally crying, totally freaked out and all that.

And the whole time I'm just sitting there going, why do we do this to kids? Why am I doing this? And I'm freaking this kid out with a fucking person in a goddamn bunny suit. It makes no sense to the kid. And at the end, at the end of all of this horseshit, it's a fucking lie. The whole thing is a fucking lie. And then one day you've got to turn around and tell your kid it's not real. And it's just this selfish adult thing because you love your kids so much you want to see them get excited.

You know, and you grew up and you saw how mean and cold-hearted the world is. You just want to see him fucking believe in something. And then just early on you just break their trust by telling them that there's these fucking people that come by. Some of them are animals and I mean some of them are fairies and all of this shit. But then what do you do? Do you tell your kid that they don't exist? And then they go to school to come to school like some grizzled fucking vet. Yeah, let me tell you something kids, it's all bullshit, right?

Just telling all these kids that the bunny doesn't exist and Santa Claus doesn't exist and then everybody's getting fucking mad at your kid. It's a great life lesson actually for your kid. That's what happens when you tell the truth. He's on his fucking stump right now. Yeah, if you ever want to get yelled at, there you go. Send your kid to school with the truth about Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny. And you just say to your kid, just say, listen, everybody talks about reading to your kid,

trying to give him a head start and all that. Why don't you fucking give him a head start and not fucking tell him about all that shit? One of my relatives did that with one of my nephews. And the kid grew up fine. They just sat him down like, yeah, listen, it's all bullshit. I remember when I found out, my older brother told me and he felt betrayed. And when he told me, I felt like an adult. I was like, no way.

And you know, thanks for the heads up. Then I sat there and kept my mouth shut like an old school mobster. I never told my other brother. Never said shit. I just sat there. Oh yeah, he's coming right down that fucking chimney. Then I sit there laughing, listening to my younger brother's telling me stories. I saw a slag go right off the roof.

Oh, did you? You're a lying piece of shit. Let me know who they really were. I learned who I could trust in my family having that inside information. I think that's why they're trying to get that Alexa in everybody's house. So then they can tell, you know, who they can trust and who they can't trust. And not really for a good reason either. You know, they're as corrupt as I am, except they're running shit.

I have no idea what I'm talking about right now. I lied to you guys earlier. I didn't have a meeting from 10 to 12. What I did was I went out and I flew out to Camarillo and then down the coast along Malibu. One of the most perfect fucking days ever while the whales are migrating. Okay. I should have literally had like fucking yoga music playing in my fucking headset. It was fucking unbelievable.

It's unbelievable. So, I don't know. Whatever. Sorry. You got me. I apologize. And we were supposed to take our kid. I'm going to be totally honest with you guys.

And I was supposed to take the kid to see the Easter Bunny tomorrow. And then my wife's schedule flip-flopped around and it was more convenient for her to go today. It was more convenient for us to go tomorrow, but it's more convenient for her to go today. So what do you think happened? You know what happened? God damn it. You know exactly what happened. Oh, I went to a Toronto Raptors game, by the way, on the Sunday.

And I went to that OKC game. The game was like fucking 132 to 126, something crazy like that. It was almost like an all-star game score. And we had great seats and all of that stuff. It just was fucking awesome. Great fan base, too. Jesus Christ. I knew you guys loved the Leafs, but obviously Toronto's doing great this year.

But it was a really fun game to watch. And that knocked off. Now, I've seen every professional Canadian fucking team, a home game of them, except for the goddamn fucking Ottawa Senators. And every time I schedule something to go see one of their games, something comes up and I can't make it. All right? The first time, unfortunately, one of my great friends in life passed away. And I had to go to the funeral and all that. So that's understandable.

All right. And the second time, it was just like, all right, I'm flying in two days early. I'm a dad now. I'm going to miss 48 hours with my daughter to go to a fucking Ottawa Senators game. I couldn't justify it. So I canceled that. So it really has nothing to do with Ottawa or their franchise or any of that type of shit. But I believe that they're actually making a new arena.

Isn't that unbelievable? It's like, what is wrong with the other one? The other one is totally fine. That's like the Atlanta Braves moving out of their totally perfectly fine baseball stadium. The Atlanta Falcons moving out of their totally perfectly fine fucking dome. Like, what are we doing? And then they take what do they do with all of that material? I want to stay not someone should make a fucking documentary on that when they knocked down

a fucking stadium that works fine. All right. But the owners are like fucking move them your fat fuck. I'm sick of seeing cities being held hostage by these fucking crybaby owners, especially the fucking NFL. Those fucking assholes. Such a great game. Such a crew of cunts, though, that runs it.

How much more fucking money do those assholes need to meet, need to make before they'll pony up for a fucking stadium without threatening everybody that they're going to walk out? No one full well that most people are like me and they don't read. They don't have any other passions. They got nothing else going on in their life. No one full well that if they the politicians would be like, well, if we let this fucking thing go, I'm not going to get voted into office. I remember Bob Kraft, even though he ponied up money for the stadium, he was going to bring

it down to Connecticut. Him and his dumb fucking loafers. I love the guy. There's two things that happened in the past. A bunch of things that happened. My history is a patriot fan that bugged me. Bill Parcell's telling the team that he was allegedly that he was going to he wasn't coming back the next year before we played the Green Bay Packers.

That's why I've still yet to watch the two bills. Okay, because somebody who was not connected to the football team told me a long time ago that he did that and I believed it back then. The way I believe that there was a Santa Claus. Bill Parcell's has the same body type as Santa Claus and the whole thing comes together and I've just never been able to fucking forgive the guy for something that I'm not even sure if he even did. Okay.

What else? When Bob Kraft said he was going to move into Connecticut, that was fucking annoying. We should have let him do it. Go ahead, move into Connecticut. Move into the fucking Hartford-Waylor's old building. See if you can make it work down there. You can't make anything work in fucking Connecticut. They're too divided.

You know, some are giant fans, some are patriot fans. Some are dirt poor. The others are in the Illuminati and there's some Klan members. I mean, think about that. What fucking product can you sell that's going to appeal to all of those people? There's a reason why Connecticut lost the Waylor's. They deserved it. No, I'm just kidding.

I was actually talking to somebody when I was up in Canada that like, what was great about the fucking hockey divisions when I was a kid, when I was just a lad, the Adams Division and the Patrick's Division, if you had a fucking car, you could literally drive to every road game your team had within its division. You could probably get there within, you know, a couple of hours, except for the Quebec Nordiques. They were way the fuck up there. They jumped on a plane. They were all just like, fly to Montreal, fly to Buffalo, drive down to Hartford.

Then you had the Nordiques, the Canadians, the Sabres, the Whalers and the Bruins. I feel like I'm missing somebody. That was so long ago. And then the Patrick Division. You had the Islanders, the Rangers, the Devils, the Flyers and the Capitals. All five of them were right there. And then the road trip, the long one, was Pittsburgh. All of them right fucking there.

It's like when you used to see those things they do back in the day when baseball was all on the East Coast, essentially. They would just take trains. There was two teams in Boston, three teams in New York, two teams in Philly. The Philadelphia Athletics, the Philadelphia Phillies, the New York Giants, the Brooklyn Dodgers, the New York Yankees, formerly the New York Highlanders, formerly the original Baltimore Orioles. Then the new Baltimore Orioles, formerly the St. Louis Browns. Isn't it amazing? I know all of this shit and can't do fucking simple math and have no idea what's going on in the world.

I tried to get a little smarter though on the flight back. I watched this. Ken Burns did this whole thing on Vietnam and I watched one. It was basically 1970 to 1971. What I loved about the documentary is he does not spare the horrors of all of those people that are just showing the dead bodies and all of that shit and just done so even-handedly. People who protested the war. This one Marine was saying, I had no problem with people protesting the war. That's one of the great things about this country and all that type of stuff.

Those people that were yelling at him and punching his car and all that shit, they took it too far. I found that really interesting because I feel like we're living that right now to the left. Except for some reason they're not protesting this never ending fucking war that is bankrupting this country. Because the people in power geniusly have sold this one that if you criticize it you don't support troops and you're a socialist slash I think you're an ISIS. I think that's the way it goes. If you're even just as an American going like, hey man, I'm down with this country and stuff but we're spending a billion dollars a month to fight 3,500 people on a jungle gym. The train on a jungle gym. That's just from a business standpoint.

How are we going to continue to sustain this? If you could just even ask that, that's immediately put into the, you don't support the troops. You don't appreciate people fighting for your freedom. You're a piece of shit. Let's ruin your career. I feel that they learned that in Vietnam. When they kind of learned that if they lost the, obviously you lose the public support eventually you're going to lose the fucking war. You're watching these people giving these speeches so we don't end up in another Vietnam and blah, blah, blah, blah.

And then just seeing some of these hippies acting like me too people, you know, totally just taking it too far that if somebody even looks like their whole life should just fucking be destroyed. You know what I mean? One person tries to look up a skirt as somebody's walking up a stairs, you know, flight of stairs. All of a sudden they're doing jello shots with Harvey Weinstein out in some Godforsaken place in fucking Arizona. I got a great reality show. You have Harvey Weinstein and OJ Simpson. They do a road trip, right? And they got, it's like, they got, they start in LA and they got 36 hours to get to Atlanta to pick up Paula Deen.

It's like the gumball rally, you know, and then she, cause then she has to go into this big brother house and decide whether or not she wants to marry dog the bounty hunter. I'm just, I'm just throwing this out there. Like this is just a, and I want to host it and have all these dumb events, like fucking that guy and survivor that screams at everybody. My wife always watches survivor and I just can't, it's so fucking, I guess so much anxiety, you know, blue team slowing down. They need to hurry up. It's like, shut the fuck up. We know what we need to do. You explain the game, you fucking shredded cunt.

He is in great shape for the amount of, you know, he's got to be sick of it though. I feel like with that guy, every, I feel like for me, I feel every fucking season he gets a little more angry. Cause at some point, I mean, it's just a finely oiled machine, but like he sort of has stopped growing as a person. Cause now we stuck in groundhog day and it's just like, and they do like, they've been on the air for like 18 years and they're like in their 50th season. Like, I don't know how many times this poor bastard has to fly to a fucking island in Fiji and yell at people about, you know, how they need to bring a plate of fucking peas. You know, while walking on some fire, whatever the fuck it is that that guy does. Can you imagine just, just sitting there trying to think of another fucking thing that they have to do? I don't know.

I have no idea. It's like that American Ninja. Was it American Ninja Warrior, which I love that show too, but it's just like every fight. I think somebody's got to sit there and think of a something that requires even more grip strength. I swear to God, by the time they get in their 50 seasons, you're going to have to fucking be doing pull ups, you know, only holding on with your feet. The people who train for that thing, you know, you're going to have a whole generations are going to continue to train for that thing. I swear to God, our big toes going to start sliding down the left side of your foot to the right side of your foot, depending on which one you're looking at. And you're going to have thumbs again, like a fucking eight.

By the way, I saw one of the best fucking YouTube videos, you know, you do like those mashups, you know, and a lot of times you just pick two songs that are the same tempo, right? And you just fucking take the music out of one, you take the lyrics and you slam it together. I know, you know, maybe speed it up a little bit, but somebody did rats round and round with Marvin Gaye. I heard it through the grapevine. Check on the Twitter page. We just posted it or we have it posted by the time this is up. And just the way it fits is incredible. Like it actually sounds right.

And then I was, I don't know what the fuck, I was just on YouTube looking at a bunch of videos and I somehow found this band where this guy does this impression of Michael McDonald and he's singing Iron Maiden's Run to the Hills. But it's totally sung like Michael McDonald and the music that they wrote sounds like a Michael McDonald song. Like it doesn't, because I was sitting there listening going, how the fuck do I know this song? It's just like a white man came across the sea. He brought us pain and misery. I won't torture you anymore. He took a game for his old need. You got to listen to the music underneath it.

It sounds like right around the time when he was working with Steely Dan doing all of that shit. Who ever would have thought that some band could sit there and write some blue-eyed soul to fucking Iron Maiden. All right, with that, let me do a little, we'll post that one too. We'll probably already have it posted by the time you listen to this, right? All right, hang on a second, hang on a second. Deleize presents Kokme with your My Deleize App. It's from now on.

Borders for recipes that are delicious, easy and good to buy. For those of you who are interested in something else or half of classics. Oh yeah, that was a spaghetti bolognese with a lot of garlic. Download the My Deleize App and Kokme. Yeah, great. Deleize. Live with it. All right, I gotta do the fucking reads here for the week.

I gotta do the fucking reads here for the week. Oh, Dollar Shave Club, dude. Dude, you're tired of fucking shaving and paying a fucking zillion dollars. Wouldn't it be great if there was a fucking shave club that could do it for just a dollar? Dollar Shave Club. If the first thing that pops into your fucking melon when you hear the name Dollar Shave Club is an amazing affordable shave, then here is more information you need to know. Dollar Shave Club delivers to you everything you need to look, smell and feel fucking awesome, kid.

Shampoo, body wash, fucking toothpaste. And of course, the best razors you'll ever use. You'll get an amazing, high quality shave. I love when they pad sentences with adjectives. You're gonna know why can't it just be an amazing shave or a high quality shave. An amazing, high quality, super duper shave. Every morning using Dollar Shave Club's executive fucking razor. Oh, you know how you make it even better?

You use it with that Dr. Covey's Easy Shave Butter. Dr. Covey's Easy Shave Butter. Put it on your balls and shave your pubes. He put some Covey Shave Butter on his fucking balls. He cut his nuts in half. Use it with Dr. Covey's Shave Butter to help the razor gently glide across your skin. You have to experience it. Telling you, you're gonna fill up a little kid.

Another must have experience is how Dollar Shave Club delivers everything to you. That means no more trips to the store, wandering the aisles, having Tourettes like me, hunting for razors, shampoo, and toothpaste kit. Then having to play at being a cashier, scanning the shitbag in your own stuff. It's a nightmare. Join Dollar Shave Club today and for just five dollars, five bucks, a saw-buck kit. With free shipping, you'll get to six, six, Jesus Christ, six blade executive razors. You're gonna fucking kill somebody with that.

Plus trial sizes of shave butter, body cleanser, and one-wipe charlies. Then keep the blades coming for a few more bucks a month. Get yours at DollarShaveClub.com. That's DollarShaveClub.com slash butter. Oh, look who's here. Stamps.com, everybody. The U.S. Postal Service is an important tool for any business. Stamps.com is the easiest way to access all the amazing services of the post office.

I don't understand why the post office hasn't made an offer to buy Stamps.com. And then they just sell their locations, turn them into fucking buffalo wild wings. Or you rent them out to a corporation. That's what you do. And then you still own the property. That's what the fuck I would do. Knock down a little bit of the deficit from fighting these fucking nitwits who don't even have uniforms. You knock it down a little bit.

Look at me solving problems like Gallagher. Stamps.com never closes. Print postage for letters and packages at your convenience 24-7. Print postage for any mail class right from your own computer. The exact amount of postage every time. Never underpay or overpay again. I can mail any letter, any package using just my computer and printer and the mail carrier picks it up. Mail everything from postcards to envelope to packages, domestic or international.

Create your own Stamps.com account in minutes online with no equipment, no lease and no long-term commandments. Click, print, mail and you're done. By the way, I'm going to be making this sick ass fucking poster for all my big tour dates this year. It's going to be a little nod to me turning half a century old. Hey, remember when you see yogurt? Yogurt used to be for no goddamn rubbish. I use Stamps.com. Yeah, whenever I send out my fucking posters, I just said that.

And right now, you two can enjoy the Stamps.com service with a special offer that includes a four-week trial plus postage and a digital scale. All right. Oh my God, speaking of Vietnam. Speaking, speaking of Vietnam. Bike mechanic from Vietnam. How fucking weird is that? You know, who would have thought, who would have thought that I would talk about Ken Burns, Vietnam? By the way, I have to watch it.

Ken Burns, I swear to God, Ken Burns could do a fucking nine-part documentary on clipping your goddamn toenails and I would watch that. All right, because he would somehow, it would be fascinating. And speaking of amazing television that I watched when I was on the plane. Let me make sure I get the name of the show right. I watched that new Mike Judge animated show. What is it, tour bus from the tour bus? Has anybody watched that yet? He basically talks to all these fucking lunatic outlaw country singers.

Okay. And they tell stories about being out on the road. I don't, I've yet to go, I've yet to see one where somebody didn't pull a gun on somebody. Three out of four that I watched the people involved actually shot the other person. One got off, one went to jail. I'm telling you. Once I watched, I watched the Jerry Lee Lewis, Johnny Paycheck. And then there was this guy, Billy Joe, something or other.

And there was one other one that I watched. They were unbelievable. And you know, if Mike Judge is doing it, it's going to be quality. I mean, beef is in butthead, office space. Oh Christ, what's the name of this? King of the Hill. Jesus Christ, my brain's going to go in a mush. Idiocracy, which a lot of people didn't see.

Because it went straight to fucking, you know, this is a little too accurate. Anyways, I cannot say enough about that show. I have to watch every fucking one of those. And you're really seeing like basically an America that no longer exists, half the shit that they do. It's like, dude, there's no fucking way you could do that now. Just with all the cell phone cameras and all of that. And you just peer into the way, I don't know, the way men,

an extreme version of an American male thought back in the day, the way they handled shit, their thought process. It just was just, I can't even, like on like 20 different fucking levels. That show is unbelievable. You have to watch it. The guy's on his, one of these, I'll ruin one thing. This guy is on trial for shooting this guy in the face. Okay.

And the judge goes, well, couldn't you just ran away or walked away saying he didn't have to do it basically. And the guy looks at the judge. He's like, he's like, buddy, I'm from Texas. We don't run. He says that at his own fucking trial. Anyways, I don't know. I'm butchering it.

You got to see it. The part where fucking Jerry Lee Lewis considers driving over Liberace, so there'd be quote, one less piano play in motherfucker that he had to compete with. Just imagine that animated. That's, I, it's, it's incredible show, incredible show. And I resent every podcast listener for not telling me that it existed. You probably did.

I just missed the emails. All right. Here we go. Bike mechanic from Vietnam. Hey there, Mr. Billy. Oh, rice ball. I found your podcast last year and have been listening ever since. I'm currently a bike mechanic at a local shop here in Hanoi.

Vietnamese born and raised. Well, I bet you get a ton of work. Everybody rides bikes over there, right? And I'm basing that on Hollywood movies that I've seen. All right. Actually, Tom Rhodes always does gigs over there and tells me how beautiful it is. And Tom Rhodes is going to be in Vietnam. He was telling me in the next couple of months, I believe, at least this year.

I forget what the date is. All right. I recently met the loveliest Colombian lady. Oh, they're beautiful, beautiful women in the world at the shop. And I am smitten. I don't doubt it. Problem is she's only going to be here for one month before continuing to the next destination on our world tour.

And what better time for you to get in there in between those guys? I'm sorry. Have a nice romance. She's covering for my fellow coworker who's on a trip of her own traveling across the country. I'm happy enough to have a month to spend with her. I don't care if she's going to be gone forever afterwards. I have no idea what to do, though. Always have been with women.

I've got no game. I'm always a bit needy. Oh, that's a bad one. Not knowing what to say is easy. That's easy. You just, you got to start bombing like a comedian. Like the way a person learns how to become a comedian. You just write some shit.

You don't know if it's funny. You go up there. You fucking, you know, lose on nine out of 10, but you keep that one and you build off of that and then eventually you have an act. All right. Needy. You can't be needy. I'm a bit needy and I'm constantly doubting myself.

All right. Well, I'm with you on the second one. And whether or not she likes me, I know it's a good thing to do and I should stop thinking that way, but it's not easy for me. I guess I need some words of advice and encouragement. Thank you very much and go hug yourself. I would just, you just, you just got to the thing about doubting yourself and being needy and all of that and just being filled with doubt and no confidence is that is.

That's one of those things where when you're really young, the sooner you address that, the better your life is going to be. Okay. Because that you're so young at this point that it's not, I don't think it's, it just doesn't have its myths in you. Like if you try to deal with it in your late thirties, the way I did. So, um, and then you find out all this shit you were afraid of that you thought was, I got to walk up this fucking mountain.

It was this, it was like stepping up under a curb. So first of all, in a good way, who gives a fuck if you ask this check out and she shoots you down? Who gives a fuck? You, all you have is a funny fucking story and an experience asking a woman out, especially if you think she's out of, out of your league. That's even better. You know, anything you want to do, you got it, you got to play with people that are better

than you. If you want to get better playing sports, you know, like, I remember this guy was telling me about as far as like getting together. If you play an instrument jamming with people, like when we were kids, it was always to be like, uh, hey, we should jam. Well, how long you been playing? Oh, I've been playing four years. Oh, I've only been playing a year.

I can't play. You can be too good. It's like, no, you should go play with them because they're going to, they're going to pull you up. All right. So it's the same thing with this thing. You got this beautiful Colombian woman. She's going to be leaving soon.

So first of all, the fact that there's going to be no relationship beyond this, there's going to be no pressure. So the level of fun that you guys can have is going to be ridiculous. So, um, I would just start hitting on her personally, just make subtle comments. Just tell us, whatever she's wearing, tell us she looks good. She asked, I don't know, should I wear this? I know you always deal. You look good in everything.

Really? Yeah. I think you're beautiful. Just like that. And fuck all these fucking women. Two of them. The rest of her work. Fuck off.

Okay. He's a guy. He, at some point, he has to get off the wall and try and make something happen. Okay. It'd be one thing if women hit on guys and we could sit there and be like, don't talk about my pecs like that. God, stop complimenting me. Um, I'm not saying to be a creep.

All right. But you got to let her know that you like her. So, uh, I, that's what I would do. I would just compliment her, make her laugh, be, just be in a good, just be a funny, chill fucking person. All right. Don't be overly aggressive. Don't be fucking needy.

All of that shit freaks him the fuck out. Just freaks him out. They run in the other fucking direction. So, um, I don't know, I don't know if you got a sense of humor or whatever. It seems like you do the way you wrote this shit and a lot of people that are needy and doubt their selves are funny people. Okay. So I compliment her, be a little self deprecating about yourself.

She goes, no, I think you look good, blah, blah, blah. Now she takes a step in your direction and then just fucking go from there and then just one day just look at it and say, Hey, listen, I know you're only going to be here for like a month, but I really like you. I think you're beautiful and I'd love to go out with you. Let's go hang out. Let's go do something. I'll fucking, I'll, I'll see that pile of shit over there.

I'll turn that into a bicycle, put you on the handlebars. I'll drive you around and go see a movie of some shit. Who gives a fuck what she says? I'll tell you what. If she says, no, that is going to hurt way less than for the rest of your fucking life sitting there going, you know, why the fuck didn't I ever try to fucking ask that Colombian check out that that lasts a lifetime. A woman shooting you down like all you got to do, you know how long that lasts?

That lasts as long as however long it takes to call one of your friends to tell them the funny story. Back when I started off as a comedian, I swear to God, I was bombing so much that it got to the point. While I was bombing, I was already thinking about calling Patrice and telling him the story and listening to him laugh at me because it used to always make me feel better or Dane or Bobby or any of those other guys that I started out with. And like all the humiliation was almost like, Oh, good, I'm bombing.

I have a funny story to tell those other guys and it stopped being like a negative thing. So there you go. I don't want to fucking oversell you on this shit, but good for you. You're young. You're in a beautiful country and a beautiful woman's going to be there for a month. Fucking you're supposed to have fun. All right. So there you go.

Good luck to you, sir. All right, Thelma and Louise. All right, I mentioned last, uh, last podcast that me and Nia sat down and watched that movie and how incredible a movie that is, how poignant it is. Now you could almost look at a Thelma and Louise like it was warning all of these people now they got these YouTube fucking cases, um, that they had a fucking had enough and that they're sick because it's literally every like strain of different type of creepy guy or lying or whatever the fuck you want to call it.

And, uh, held up really well. And then I was talking about that. Christopher McDonald who plays Daryl, what, what that guy, um, just blew me away. All right, he said, Bill, regarding your mention of Thelma and Louise on the March 12th, Monday morning podcast, a couple of things I learned about that movie from the book off the cliff, how the making of Thelma and Louise drove Hollywood to the edge by Becky Aikman drove it to the edge. Yeah, I don't know about that.

Uh, the movie was almost made with Jody Foster and Michelle Pfeiffer in the lead roles. Isn't that amazing after they cast it and then you try to picture new people in there and you're like, that wouldn't have worked. You know, both of them incredible actresses. You're like that. Oh, why the fuck would you put them in there? Uh, Chris McDonald who played Thelma's husband, Daryl has been engaged to Gina Davis at one time a few years before the movie.

Oh, wow. He also nearly stole the movie by improvising a lot of his role, much to the amusement of director Ridley Scott. Yeah, I thought he was, if you watch Harvey Kytel, he's literally just laughing. When watching the, uh, what's this guy's doing? Uh, three, the role of hunky cowboy originally went to Stephen Baldwin. I didn't know that who backed out at the last second to be in back draft. That's understandable.

I probably got a bigger role. Five actors were brought back to audition with Gina Davis, four brunettes and an unknown blonde named Brad Pitt. Davis loved Pitt and he ended up getting the job. Years later, Davis found herself on a plane seated next to George Clooney. Clooney made a comment about Pitt stealing a role from him when they were both getting started in the business. Turns out it was the Thelma and Louise part.

No way. I love this shit. We should do more of this on the podcast. George was one of the four brunettes and Davis had never known it. Wow. What the fuck airline is that? It's definitely not Southwest group B. I can tell you that right now.

All right. Also just saw the Ricky Gervais Netflix special humanity in it. He has a nice bit after the 40 minute mark about intolerance, especially related to comedy. There's another segment right after the one hour mark where he discusses rape jokes and people's reaction to them would have crossed the border to see you in Kitchener tonight, but after all, it is St. Patrick's Day and there are barcrawls and drinking etiquettes to be observed.

Erring O'Brah, you alabino, you albino fucking leprechaun. I fucked that up. That's Erring O'Brah, you alabino, you albino leprechaun. Anyways, oh, you know something? I actually learned a lot about Kitchener because I was asking him, I go, what did you guys used to make here? They just had that vibe and they all laughed. And I guess they, that was the place where they used to make Crown Royal.

The Seagrams family was from there and Joe Bartnick, who should be on their wall of fame, has said, he said he's thrown out at least 400 of those purple bags in his lifetime. Um, they also make the best striper, striper, the best sniper rifles in the world where you can basically be deadly accurate from two and a half miles away. And I was joking about that, like the power of that, like how relaxed you could be. You know what I mean? You're two and a half miles away from the murder scene.

You know, your cell phones there. So you're just going to be like, yeah, I wasn't there. Check out my cell phone. You know, all you do is put a silencer on the end of the fucking thing and you just start talking to one of your friends. And then you're just looking two and a half miles down the road at this mother fuckers, that son of a bitch, right? You got the gun half disassembled by the time it fucking hits the guy and you

go perfect fucking murder. You know what's funny? All these gun nuts are going to write in. Oh, actually they'd be able to trace the bullet. They would, you know, every day of the serial numbers on the gun. Shut up. I'm joking. It's a fucking joke.

Um, anyways, you know what's great about St. Patrick's Day was I wasn't even aware that was St. Patrick's Day when I did the Kitchener gig and we drove all the way back and then we partied at this place called the Bill Hicks bar and you go into the bathroom. They had all these quotes of, uh, you know, Bill Hicks on the wall. There was, it was a bunch of standup comics hanging out there and we had a great time because we reached out and we're trying to find a place where we could actually hang out and drink some non-alcoholic beers.

And, uh, we want to thank everybody there at the, uh, sober Bill Hicks bar for letting us act like gentlemen. Um, all right, Bill, I'm a 20 year old and I lost my older girlfriend who has kids. Uh, congratulations. This, this is a fucking, this is a problem. Hey Bill, I've been a fan for a while and I know you have plenty of advice in that shiny head of yours. Not saying any of you, it's good or professional for the last four months.

I've really been beating myself up because I didn't, I didn't stand up for myself and I let the most amazing girl I've ever met go back to her ex because I didn't think I could support her and her two kids. I've had many girlfriends before dude, you're 20 before her and I've been sad about a breakup, but not like this. I was drinking heavily and taking pain pills. Dude, don't do that because I know I can't have her back. I don't know how to move forward from here.

I've gotten myself off the pills. Great. And I've cut down the drinking, but I can't seem to feel anything for any other girl. I just don't really have any drive without her. What should I do now? Thanks. Even if you don't get around to this. Um, first of all, forgive yourself.

All right. There's not a person out there. All right. That hasn't fucking fucked up a relationship unless you just marry the first person that you're with. You know, like they used to do back in the turn of the last century. Hey, I do, you know what I mean? I fucked up like three before I found Nia.

Just, just really fucked them up. And thought I'd never get past them. You know what you do? This is a great time for you. Okay. Because you're, what you're learning to do is, is pick yourself up off the mat. Do you remember when you ever see that George Foreman fight when he fights Ali and he goes down and decades later, they asked him about being down on the canvas.

And he said, you know what, you know what the truth is he goes, I could have got up. I just never been there before. All right. And after that, look at him. The guy came back when he was like in his forties and won the fucking heavyweight title. So look, this is the first time you've been knocked on your ass like this. And this is great. You're going to learn something from it.

And you're single. And you know what? The fact that you can't feel anything about anybody else knew is because you're a good person. You actually have feelings for this other person. So what you do is you just fucking go out, hang with your friends, have a good time. If you meet some chick, ask, she asked you, what's your name? Ask, she asked you what your deal is. Say, I just went through a bad breakup, blah, blah, blah, blah.

I swear to God, they don't want to cheer you up so much. You'll probably get a fucking blowjob out of it. I'm telling you, they love a fucking fixer upper. They love a little sad goddamn face. Just say fucked up a relationship and I'm heartbroken about it. What's going on with you? As opposed to fucking, you know, leading them on and acting like you like them. And then they find up, you hung up on some other girl.

That's when they get mad and fucking do the destruction of property and not get prosecuted for it. You know, there's actually a commercial out right now with this woman's just breaking this guy's shit and throwing it out the window. Like that's totally fucking fine. You know, I don't understand that at all. So that's what I would say. Okay, buddy, I gotta be honest with you. Okay, I know she's great and everything, but she's older than you and she has kids. That's a hell of a fucking thing to paratroop into.

All right. Just someday you're going to meet another one. You're going to find the real fucking thing. All right. And, you know, there's not going to be, oh, can you support me and all my fucking kids that I had with somebody else? Or I'm going to go back to that guy. That sounds like a fucking country song. Yeah, dude, you don't need that shit.

You're going to find some fucking girl. You're going to say who knows a year from now, two years from now, three, four years, whatever, you're going to find the fucking love of your life. Okay. And you know what you're going to wish you did someday during the time before you met her is fucking and went out and had a good time and banged everything you possibly fucking could. But then fucking reason consensually with a condom there. Did I say it right? Go out and have a great fucking time.

Enjoy your fucking life. Cause someday you're going to make the girl your dreams, the person you're supposed to be with. All right. And you're going to get married and you're going to have a kid. And then even though you love all of them and everything, you know, your podcast is going to be late because you got to go to, you got to go down to the Easter party. You got to do it. You can't miss that shit and all your free time is going to be gone. It's not going to be a bad thing because you're going to love your kids so much.

However, you are going to think back to a lot of the free time. You had to think that Jesus Christ, what a fuck did I do this and that? So all this woman did was give you a great opportunity to go out and fucking enjoy yourself. All right. And when nobody's looking, put your face in the pillow and fucking cry it out of you. Do it every day. That's what they do. You got to, you got to cry yourself.

They never tell guys to do that, right? Cry yourself into acceptance, forgive yourself and all of that shit. And in the meantime, have a great fucking time. All right. Go get a Keggerator. Watch a little March Madness. Go to the gym, get in great shape. There's all kinds of positive things you can do.

All right. Wife cheated on me night before our wedding. Oh boy. Oh boy. The next one is fucked my roommate's sister. Jesus Christ. The fucking animals that listen to this podcast. Um, it's almost like I attract them with my own ignorance.

All right. Wife cheated on me night before our wedding. Dear Billy Hotlips, my wife and I have been happily married for 13 years. We live in Tulsa, Oklahoma. Well, not to get selfish here with your extremely painful story, but I'm going to be in. I'm going to be at the Brady Theater in Tulsa, Oklahoma, coming the next few months. Okay. All right.

Well, we met at the university of, I'm not going to say the university. Okay, that we have two children ages 10 and seven and have a really comfortable life together. The other night, it took my wife out for a date night dinner and bowling. The bowling sounds lame, but remember it's Tulsa. Dude, bowling is the shit. Uh, he's getting a league. It's fucking awesome. Anyways, my wife and I went up to the bar at the bowling alley.

And when the bartender saw her, he gave her a weird look, sort of like, haven't I met you before? After taking our order, he came back with drinks and said, enjoy, Mitzi. I was shocked when he knew her name and I gave my wife a puzzled look. We took the drinks and went back to our lane and I asked her how he could know her name. She said she has no idea and checked her shirt as if for some reason she was wearing a name tag. After a few minutes, when she couldn't think of an excuse or a lie, she dropped a bomb on me. She told me that he was the bartender from the hotel where we had our wedding reception. She said the night before our wedding, after our rehearsal dinner, her and her bridesmaids went

to the hotel to sleep and stopped at the lobby bar for a couple of drinks. Everyone then went up to bed, but my wife, ah, good friends. But, oh, I went over to Belmont, but my wife snuck down to go talk to the bartender. Oh, wait a minute. My apologies to her friends. She told him that she's getting married tomorrow, but once one more night with another man before giving herself to me. So she took him up to the honeymoon suite and had sex with him, which, by the way,

is the same bed that we consummated our marriage in the next night. Oh, God. She told me she was never going to tell me because it meant nothing more than her wanting to end her single life with a bang, not a whimper, literally a bang. She claims she has never had doubts about us and that she is sorry that I found out, but she doesn't regret the cheating because it assured her that she had found the guy who she wants to be with forever. Yeah, buddy, you try the same thing and then tell her that.

Hey, it meant nothing. And when I was banging her, I was like, you know what? Yeah, yeah, I am with the right broad. After hearing this, I asked if she had cheated since we've been married. And she said no, which I believe. We left the bowling alley and drove home in bitter silence. I'm not smoking to her in about a week now other than when it pertains to the kids and other important matters.

She's been sleeping in the guest room because she knows I don't want to be around her. However, I know I need to confront her about this, but I am unsure how to go about it. I think the only scenarios are divorce or basically accepting and forgiving, neither of which I want to do at this moment. Well, she's your fucking right. I'm not telling any of my family or friends about this because I'm embarrassed. So I'm hoping you can give advice, love the podcast and go fuck yourself. I tell her exactly what you just told me.

Just say that the only two possible scenarios here are divorce or me accepting and forgiving, but I'm not ready to do either one at this moment. Okay. And you're going to have to accept that and my mood around you because of your actions. All right. And by the way, I'm not telling any of my family and friends about this because I'm so embarrassed. Okay.

And then I would recommend going to some sort of couples therapy because that is a mind fuck beyond any of my bar room fucking advice. But you seem pretty well emotionally where you know exactly what you're feeling and why you're feeling it. I would just communicate it to her and she better not pull this shit of like, see, he's just not going to talk to me friend, make it about herself. I don't know. I think the only way, how do you stay?

You got to stay because the kids are there, which is such a fucking situation. And then, all right. The positive side is she actually fucking owned up to it negative. She waited 13 years and two kids. All right. Let's not do the positive and negative because I feel like once this is going to be like a fucking bad super bowl here. Yeah, I don't know.

What is the solution? You get to fuck somebody. I don't know. And it sounds to me like you didn't even want to do that. So that's not going to be a fucking solution. I don't know. I would get professional help when you're ready to sit down and talk about it. Listen, it'd be one thing if you were fucking early on in your goddamn relationship,

but you were getting married the next day and then fucked in the only guy in literally that bed. I have to be honest with you, man. That's pretty hardcore. That's like guy level piece of shit behavior, although women are totally capable of it. That's just that that's not their M.O. Because they're so good at being pieces of shit that everybody thinks they're not. We're guys. We just constantly get caught with their fucking pants down.

Oh, you said you're going to be home later. That's your fucking excuse. Well, I mean, aren't you also being dishonest? All right. Fucked my roommate's sister. Oh boy. All right, dear Billy Bernacles. I fucked my roommate's sister and I now need your help.

My roommate's sister. That's the only way I can get through these because these are so fucking sad. My roommate's sister was in town this weekend while he was out of town. She was going to the bars with some friends and crashing on her brother's bed in my place or what have you. She invited me out with her and I said, fuck yeah. Oh, I'm paraphrasing on this. You know, she is pretty much our same age, mid 20s.

As I hung out with a lot of our, you know, and has hung out a lot with our group of friends and I've known her for five years now and consider her a friend outside of just my friend's sister. This is how I justify what the fuck I did at the end of this letter. Uh, so I figured, what the hell? Maybe she could be a good wingman. I could hit it off with one of her friends. Unfortunately, that wasn't what happened. Hey, Nia just walked in.

Nia, this guy just found out. He was at a bowling alley. He's in a bowling league with his wife or whatever. They're out bowling. Can I just ask a question? Was that your attempt at a Southern accent or what was that that you were just doing? Oh, it's because these are so sad. I just have to do it in a silly accent because I don't hear it.

Was that a bad accent? Yeah. No, it isn't. It's a funny accent. Okay. I mean, yeah, funny. I'm not trying to like be like legitimately. Jesus fucking Christ.

I came in making fun of you. Yeah. Yeah, I did. Criticism, it never ends. Let's uh, that's your idea of a, uh, yeah, I'm giving you shit. Okay. I just seem like, I'm in the podcast.

Why are you being so sensible? Because it sounded like you were serious. Oh, see, now you're on Instagram. We're going to get all like weird about stuff, man. I don't even know what that, I tell you right now, I can't even, I don't even understand Instagram. What? Where are all the whores? What?

Where are all the Instagram whores? All I get is just shit from the people that I know. Do you want to be following Instagram models? I want to see them. Well, I'm sure after this people will send you loads of links. Well, you have the ones you look at. What do you give these shoes? What are those shoes?

What about those tits hanging out? Oh, um, so this guy, he's out bowling. It's Tania. Is your fucking iced coffee big enough for you? It's a smoothie and it's, this is a regular size. I love you. All you guys who drink smoothies to lose weight. It's like a giant chocolate shake.

I'm not, this is not obviously to lose weight. I just wanted a nice, natural fucking drink. Do we need to start again? I guess so. We're getting off in the wrong. So this fucking guy goes out to bowling. I've been married 13 years. He's got two kids, like a 10 year old and a fucking seven or eight year old.

There's something like that, right? So they're bowling and they go up to get some drinks. And said when they went up there that the bartender kind of gave his wife a weird look. And then when he gave the drinks to her, he said, hey, have a good night. Mitzi like newer name. So they go back over and he goes, how the fuck did he know your name? And she acted dumbfounded to the point of actually pretending to look for a name on his shirt.

I don't know. And then she just couldn't come up with a good line. She finally just said the night before their wedding, she banged the guy. But hasn't banged anyone since she goes. She said her and her friends were downstairs in the hotel lobby drinking. They all went to bed and the night she snuck down and told the bartender she wanted one last bang literally before she got married and went up to the honeymoon suite where they consummated their marriage the next night.

And fuck that guy in that bed. Oh, Mitzi. You are a dirty dog. And then claimed that she never did anything like that again. I mean, that's pretty reptilian cold-blooded behavior. Yeah. And I like, what's the fucking bartender doing? Like keep it on the fucking low, man.

Like, yeah, he's an asshole. There you go. Mitzi. And you know, and you know, he saw the wedding rings. He must like, he can't be cool. Like he just had to be that guy. Well, so what is he asking? What do I do?

Yeah, because she's not sleeping in the thing. And he said the only solution is divorce or a forgiver in the bedroom. But she's sleeping on the couch. No, he hasn't talked to her in a week other than dealing with shit that they have to talk about, which is the kids because he's not ready to. And he's saying that either they get fucking divorce or he forgives her, but he hasn't told on his friends and family because he's so embarrassed. I understand that.

Yeah. I mean, you made this whole life for there. You have kids with her. I don't know. Is that really a deal breaker? That's the thing though, is she still like messing around? That's the thing. The trust is broken.

So how do you repair the trust couples therapy? Yeah, that's the only way. I mean, is she interested in like me? She was she apologizing profusely? Was she like, I'm so ashamed? Like, I should never have done it. It was wrong. You know, I love you so much.

Like I love our family. Like I'll do anything to like make this better because that's that's a hell of a thing to do to do the night before your marriage. You're getting married in the bed that you then fuck your husband. And do you believe that she's never done it again? I don't know. I don't. I believe it because I feel like women can do that.

Like do that. Do you see what I'm saying? How good they are at being pieces of shit. They all cover each other. I think that women can do that. Guys can't do that. But we can do that. Yeah, all right, get out.

Wait, you're kicking me out. I'm kicking you out. I'm not saying that guys can't do that. But yeah, I feel like she's capable of life. Then why would you say that women can do that? Because I'm talking about women. So why wouldn't you say that? Well, I feel that some people can do that.

Because I don't have to use your language to get like my point across. But you just sort of made it just about women though. I just interesting. I'm cross examining you right now. It's okay. Okay, fine. But if you try to worm your way out of this bullshit. That one's trying to worm their way out of anything.

Riggle? Yeah, keep drinking your fucking drink there. So my roommate's sister was in town this weekend while he was out of town. She was going to the bars with some of friends and crashing on her brother's bed in place. She invited me out with her and I said, sure, I figured she'd make a heck of a wingman

and I could hit it off with one of her friends. Unfortunately, that wasn't what happened. Anyways, we came back to my apartment where she was going to stay in her brother's bed. Before I knew it, one thing led to another and I was banging her. Before I knew it, what? I was in the clothes fly off and she bends over.

It started with some making out and she was the one who said, let's go to your bed. Before you start thinking, this is going to turn into the wrong side of a me too story. Hilarious that he even puts that in there, right? That sounded off. Cash tag. Cash tag me too.

All right, in the morning, we both regretted it and she said it would probably be best not to tell my roommate and her brother about the incident. Unfortunately, she was able to leave and go back to her place five hours away while I have to see the guy every single day. Oh, okay.

I also did it with no condom, like a drunken idiot, so I've been freaking out about STDs in pregnancy, even though I'm 99% sure I didn't finish and made her get plan B the next night. I'm pretty sure- Oh, I'm really extra careful. He's probably an accountant major. She's not pregnant.

I'm pretty sure she'll never tell him, but I'm kind of a pussy and feel like I'll be plagued with guilt every time I hang out with the guy. What should I do? I'm sort of panicking and have a weight on my chest for the last week. Should I suck it up and go to the gray with this? I told the guy a couple of friends about this

to get it up my conscious and now I'm afraid one of them might let it, oh, dude, you don't do that. Let it slip one of these nights while we're all out drinking. Should I get ahead of the story and just tell them and suffer the consequences? Or maybe I should stop being a cunt and worry about people with actual problems?

I don't know. Glad you're okay, but I would say this. I would say this. You're like that guy that commits a fucking crime with somebody else, and then you're the guy they have to whack because you're going to flip. And what you basically did was you flipped on yourself

and you ratted yourself out to two other fucking people. All right? So in the swirl of trash that's now going to happen, I bet for upwards of 10 years, or maybe never. If you do something like that and you both agree to keep your fucking mouth shut, that's what you should have done. Because this isn't just about you.

It's also about his relationship with his sister. All right? So you're both adults. It was consensual. You didn't want it to happen. It happened, and then you both said that was a fucking mistake. Nobody's married here. There's no kid involved.

I wouldn't have said shit. Yeah, I think you should just keep it trap shut and just move on with your life. Yeah, and you also have to go kill your two friends. You never watched those JFK conspiracies? Yeah, why'd you tell the other two guys? Because he just felt so guilty about it. Yeah, it's a telltale heart.

Except it's his ballbag, dick throbbing underneath the floor. Yeah, it's really not. 01:10:12,720 --> 01:10:14,080 Yeah, it's not that big of a deal. Yeah, if she did turn out to be pregnant and kept it, yes, of course, you'd have to come clean. You're even saying go through with an abortion without, he doesn't need to know.

No, I wasn't going to say that. What are you talking about? As you said, if she got pregnant and decided to keep it, then you say something. But if she got pregnant and didn't want to keep it, you don't say shit? No, you don't say it. But she took the plan B, so it's fine.

This feels like Fast Times at Ridgemont High. I'm just picturing Judge Reinhold in that big blue car. I know, but she didn't get an abortion. She took a plan B, so it's fine. Sir, do you sell stereos? That's for old people would get that joke. She banged that guy who sold the stereo. Oh, yeah.

She's got to be somebody's baby tonight. It's a really creepy song choice. Oh, and he bangs her right on that fucking bench. Horrible. Yeah. She's such a cutie pie when she was that age. Jennifer Jason Lee. I like that movie.

Ageism too. She's not a cutie pie now? No, she's a beautiful woman now, but she was a cutie pie when she was younger. When we return. There's nothing there for you to dig up. There's nothing there. Well, that's the age we live in.

If there is nothing there, if there's something there or there's nothing there, you're still going to be punished. You look extra pretty today. Oh, thanks. What'd you do? Since I left, I don't know. You fucking a guy at a bowling alley?

Yep. You're going to hand me a drink and be like, how you doing, Mitzi? That's going to be my code name now. If I do step out on you, I'm going by Mitzi. You know what, Nia? I'm so old that guy'd be doing me a favor. Oh, baby doesn't have it in him anymore.

Climb on top. I'm too old. No, you're just as much of a stallion now as the day I met you. Boy, the truth hurts. The truth hurts. I tell you, I'd rather take a nap at this point. No, you would not. I would.

No, you would. You'd rather take a nap than bang me? Yeah. What? Yeah. Oh, no, we got to fix this. See how that works, everybody? That's exactly how it's done.

Got me a son of a bitch. All right, that's it. That's the best lesson I could have taught anybody. All right, have a great fucking week, you cunts. I'll talk to you on Thursday.