Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 3-2-15

Episode Date: March 3, 2015

Bill rambles about terrorist names, snow storms and Puerto Ricans.

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The Monday Morning Podcast, sorry, for the fucking March 2nd. I gotta tell you something. Oh, I'm coming out of the gate this week, people. I just fucking... I just did like 8 minutes. A great fucking 8 minutes. A great fucking riff. The whole goddamn thing. And then I looked down and the fucking goddamn stupid ass fucking thing isn't even on. You know why? This is the exact same fucking device.

I had the Olympus LS10, now it's the Olympus 14. And wouldn't you fucking know? They couldn't just leave well enough alone. They gotta add like 20 fucking steps and some stupid broads fucking voice in there. Telling me what I know I'm doing. So I fucking riff for like 8 fucking minutes and I find out the thing isn't even fucking recording. I fucking... I hate technology. Okay, I absolutely... I don't understand why do we keep going forward?

Alright, we got enough shit. This is as comfortable as it's gonna fucking get. Why can't we just have the shit and this is how it fucking works? And when you figure something out, that's... you know how it fucking works. Jesus fucking Christ. I told you guys and I fucking will never stop bitching about these things. I fucking... was talking on my podcast saying how, you know, I needed a new pair of fucking headphones one week, right?

So some fucking person who listens to the podcast ended up sending me a pair of fucking wireless fucking headphones. Wireless fucking headphones and I gotta tell you I've never had more fucking problems with something in my life. You fucking sitting there. My whole life headphones fucking work. You plug them into something that's charged. The headphones never... the amount of fucking times I sat there with my phone listening to fucking music. My phone is charged and then the headphones went out and I couldn't listen. It's just fucking... why did you add that step?

Electronic pencil sharpeners and all that shit and now it's just something that's gonna fucking... that drives me up the... the other one. The other pencil sharpener. You could buy a pencil sharpener once and you can have that thing for a hundred fucking years. And little kids can walk up and be like, this was my grandfather's. When he used to, you know, fucking sharpen pencils and then when he built stuff. We still had good wood in this country, right? It wasn't all wet because it was brand new fucking trees.

It was all shit. Oh my god. I was in such a great fucking mood. It's completely changed the whole fucking vibe of this goddamn thing. Anyways, let me relax. Calm down. Let me try to get back to where I was. I was in such a fucking great mood because I'm back out here and lost... Congolese.

Let me make sure this thing's recording. Let me make sure everything's okay. The goddamn nerve center here, you know? Fuck. Anyways, I'm back out here in LA. It's so fucking awesome because I was just in New York City. Right? I flew back there and I did night at too many fucking stars.

And I got to tell you, that show lives up to its name. I was standing backstage in the green room and I couldn't believe how many people fucking came back there. John Bon Jovi, Steve Buscemi, Chris Rock, Louis CK, on and on and on and on and on. I think one of the guys with the long hair, I think he might have been the keyboard player for Bon Jovi. I don't know who the fuck he was. It was amazing, right? I had my autograph booked out. No, kidding.

Anyways, Will Forte, I got to talk to him. And, you know, that guy's one of my favorites. And last night, I actually watched his new show, Last Man on Earth, and it's so fucking funny. It's just... God damn it. I said such nice things on it the last fucking time, you know? Now I'm just trying to remember what the fuck I said. Because there's a stupid ass fucking recorder. Let me just fucking speak from the hat here.

Like, that guy is so fucking original and he commits so hard to everything he does. I'm such a fucking huge fan of his. And I talked to him briefly backstage. I'm going to try to get him on the podcast. I just want to find out how the fuck he got something this original on a major network. They usually freak the fuck out. Like, they always say they want to do something new. You know, they always say they want to do something new.

But in the end, you know, they fucking cut it down and everybody gives them shit. But I get it. I get it. You know what I mean? Everybody's brave with somebody else's fucking money. But when it's your money and your job on the line, you're going to go with what has worked in the past. I'm sorry, my voice is still cracking. So, I get what the fuck they do. You know what I mean?

I got this whole new bit that I'm going to be doing about fatties and fucking ugly people who are bitch-moning and complaining that beautiful people are in movies. It's like, yeah, you know what? Why don't you go put your fucking million dollars up and go put some troll up there? I mean, give me a fucking break. It's what it is. Do you think I sit here wondering why as a balding red-headed male, I'm not a fucking love interest in a movie? I don't. I get it. You know why?

Because if it was my fucking zillion dollars, I wouldn't cast me either. Everybody fucking bitch-moning and complaining. Get on a treadmill and shut the fuck up. All right? We're all out there eating salads. You think we want to do it? We don't. It's part of the fucking business.

You know? Why don't they just slow down the fucking NBA and lower the rim so you can play in that, too? It's fucking unreal. Anyway, so let me plow ahead here. Oh, that's going to be a fun chunk of material. I got... Oh, Jesus Christ. I got a vent on that one tonight.

I'm going up on... I'm fucking talking about that. I can't wait. See that? That's me rubbing my hands together with a microphone on my head. Anyways, Last Man on Earth is absolutely... You know, when you're searching for a new show, I've still been searching ever since Breaking Bad went off the air. You know what I mean?

Just trying to... I saw the killing. The killing was great. Then I blew through that because it's fucking Netflix, right? They got all of them. They turn you into a junkie, right? Instead of just giving you a little bit a week and you keep your habit in control like the networks. Fucking Netflix.

You just sit there. You know? You'll lose a week of your life. So anyways, I got to watch this and then I got to get caught up on Better Call Saul because I was overseas when it came out. And I'm really bad with looking shit up on the internet and trying to find a way to watch it. I want to watch it legally. If anybody knows where I can watch like the first two episodes because I'm now taping the series, really excited. But I'm going to do one little spoiler thing on Last Man on Earth, alright?

It's going to go down here in about two fucking... Well, I'll do the... It's going down right now, alright? So fucking stick your fingers in here. I'm going to time this out perfectly. Ten seconds. I'm going to say it, alright? In three, two, one.

Kristen Shaw is also on it. She absolutely fucking kills it and blew me away with her acting. And I'm just so fucking psyched whenever I see a stand-up comic or comedians in general showing this industry that we actually can really be good actors. They fucking kill it. I absolutely love this show. Please watch it. Alright, done. Okay.

Anyways, plowing ahead here. So, alright, I'm over the technology thing. I'm actually in such a fucking great move. After being back in New York, which I loved, you know, taking the subway and shit. I miss doing that stuff and seeing, you know, fucking neurotic people and crazy people and... I don't know. You know what I miss most about living in LA? This is going to be weird.

You know what I miss? Puerto Ricans. You know what I mean? They just don't have any Puerto Ricans out here. I don't know what it is. Not that there's anything wrong with Mexican people, but you know, LA could use some Puerto Ricans. They fucking women are gorgeous. I was on the subway or in a restaurant.

I was like, God damn, look at her. And I was like, that's right. Puerto Rican women. That's what's been missing from my day to day. Plus New York, you know what I mean? Everybody's not hiding in cars. You know, they're fucking on the subways and shit. Walking down the street.

A bunch of cutie pies. I don't know. Anyways. So, but you know what I do love about living out here? I love when it's like the level that has been, that it has been snowing back on the east coast to just drop into that and actually be excited to see snow, you know, skipping down the street, wanting to make a snowman and shit. And everybody else is totally miserable. There's nothing more fun. Everybody back east, you probably at this point, if you're, you know, over the age of 22 or 23, you have that douchebag east coast friend that moved to Southern California or someplace warm.

And you know what we do, right? You know what we do. We just wait for a couple to we, we time it right. Not during the holidays. During the holidays, we're on radio silence because that's when we're missing the winter, right? All the fucking wind, all the fucking Christmas songs are all about snow, right? Here those sleigh bells ring a ling, ting, ting, ting, a ling too. It's fucking snowing and bup, bup, bup, bup, boo, right?

Giddy up, giddy up, giddy up, let's go. Let's look at a snow. Told you I was in a good mood. Ah, we're riding in a wonderland of snow. What the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck, bup, bup, bup. You know, I wonder how Native Americans relate to that fucking Christmas music, right? And his white people are saying, giddy up, giddy up, giddy up, let's go. You used to live here, then we committed fucking genocide.

Yeah, now we have a fucking house where you used to fucking live. Bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, boo. You know, the nerve of us to write such happy songs on the same land that that fucking horror happened. Oh, you know, Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen. The Cherokee, the Sue, the Crow and Apache, where did they go? Anyways, so you know the deal. So we love to fucking call up in January and February. The best time to do it is right at the end of January when these poor cunts back east know they got another month of this shit.

Right? It's just desolate, right? You've already the high of a new year. You've already fucked up your New Year's resolutions and you're just coming out right with your fucking ice scraper. Every fucking goddamn one. And then that's when we call acting like we don't know what we're doing. Hey, what's going on, dude? How are you?

Yeah? How about them Bruins that's starting to finally fucking play, you know, AC to whatever. They got a rebuild kit. So, you know, what's going on back there, right? You do the whole fucking thing. Oh, Jesus fucking, blah, blah, blah. And then that's when you get the hit. Oh, what?

Out here? Oh, yeah. I don't know. You know, I haven't looked. I think it feels like about like 68 degrees. Yeah, I'm standing out here wearing a hoodie and pajama bottoms, taking my dog for a walk. Probably going to go on a hike a little bit later, get a breakfast burrito. I fucking love it.

I absolutely love it. And then when I got to go back, you know, you visit winter, you visit it for a few days, you know, you fucking, you know, get yourself a hot chocolate, you go skating or whatever you do, you little fucking thing. I love watching people back east digging out, digging out their fucking cars, you know, and just talk every fucking year, just talking about how sick of the snow. You know, and I always want the person on the other side of the microphone to be like, yeah, but it's winter.

You know, people just do them in the summertime. Oh my God, it's fucking heat wave. Yeah, it's the summer. It's the summer. You understand? There's too many fucking people. We've put too much fucked up shit in the air and you were going to have crazy weather. It's going to be crazy cold and it's going to be crazy fucking hot.

What would you rather do? Like I was thinking the other day, would you rather have global warming or to have it go back to the ice age? You know? You'd rather have the fucking, the water. And I'm not saying whether we're creating it or not. You know, I think without a doubt, you can't have seven billion people not have an effect on the planet. I know we are. I went to Asia.

I saw it. I breathed it in. I held that tobacco in my fingers. I just sounded like fucking Al Gore. I remember when he ran for office and he was trying to talk to people down in Carolina going like, I tilled the land. I held that grass in my fingers. Now what the fuck would you ever say that we're in a suit and wingtips?

A bunch of dirty people staring at you like, what the fuck is this guy talking about? Huh? Was he have a garden in the backyard of his fucking villa? No, I just saw what the direction we were. Fortunately, the population over here is we're keeping it at bay, but just the amount of shit that we buy. I think we create more waste or whatever,

but I will tell you this dude, like the air quality over there was devastating. Fucking devastating. Like I felt like I was smoking five packs a day. Like I had this scratchiness in my throat when I was in Hong Kong and it got even worse in India. And I'm not shitting on either country and I'm not shitting on the people there because I love both countries and the people were awesome. But you know, you got to admit the fucking air quality is horrific. And right there, that is too many people having an effect.

Yeah, it happens. There's too many of one fucking thing. That's why, you know, these goddamn diseases, all of this shit that we think of fucking evil and all of that, the Ebola's and size, all of that shit, it's there for a reason. So what's the great thing about nature? It's all there. It all serves a fucking purpose.

The purpose of that shit is to keep us in line. You know what I mean? That's what it is. But the fatal flaw is in nature is us. It's us. We're too fucking smart for our own good. So rather than fucking, you know, a bunch of us dying off, like what happens to every fucking goddamn animal?

Something happens if a disease doesn't run through that species of forest fire gets them. You know, we came up with medicine and all of this shit and a bunch of people like, I told you, I should not be here right now. I should have died of an appendix and a ruptured appendix when I was in the sixth grade. All right. But they got modern medicine and here I am just taking up space. Right. I try.

I get a Prius. I recycle the water bottles, but you know, they just throw them in the ocean. I'm just another cunt that shouldn't be here walking around taking his shit that ends up in a lake. Right. I don't even know where the fuck I'm going with this shit, but the fuck I totally lost my choice. I'm so fucking stupid. I shouldn't even be like if I actually had to live off the goddamn land, I would be walking through the woods tracking something halfway through it.

I would get distracted, forget what I was hunting and I would stop to death. Right. Isn't that how it works? I don't know how it works, but anyways, I love it. I love that it's fucking snowing back then. There's all kinds of shit going on. I didn't like that ice rink back in Massachusetts collapsed. Thank God there was no kids out there skating or anything like that.

You know, Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ. That would have been fucking brutal, but there's all this shit going on back there. I don't understand how this works, but there's been so much snow that I guess they have in this problem. My heart goes out to everybody back there because I've had water damage in my house and it is a fucking nightmare. It is a fucking nightmare. But basically there's so much snow up on the roofs and then it starts to melt during the day and then at night it freezes. So then what happens is during the day when it starts to melt again. For some reason, I guess it melts down at the surface, which makes no sense.

I figure that'd be the coldest or whatever the snow at the top trickles down. Somehow it gets underneath this bed of ice and then there's no, it can't run off the roof. And it so eventually just gets absorbed into the roof and starts leaking down. So they're doing this thing where they're starting to clear off the roots and they put these salt socks up there. They never had that shit when I was a kid. I never heard of that. I guess you take a tube sock, you fill it up with some of that rock salt and then you just lay it down on the roof and somehow I don't know, I don't even, I don't get how it fucking works.

But there's a bunch of cunts back there because everybody's house is, you know, getting water damaged. They're in a panic and they're charging thousands of dollars to go up there. Can you imagine fucking doing that, the fucking piece of shit people, some old person who doesn't want to go up there? Or just in general, if you got some kids and stuff, I mean, you know, you don't go up on the roof anyways. If you got a wife and kids, right? But the fucking, you're not going up on a snowy roof and these fucking assholes are charging all that money. I fucking hate when people do that. Just start price gouging.

Isn't that what they call it? Shouldn't the president step in right then? That's what I do if I was president. I would find out who the fuck was doing it and I would audit all of them. All right, this is the Monday Morning Podcast everybody from sunny California. Oh yes, Monday Morning Podcast. And I don't have shit to do today after I get this fucking podcast done. I'm going to go play some drums.

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Don't wait. Go to Stamps.com. Before you do anything else, click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in Burr. That's Stamps.com. Enter Burr. Dude, I don't get those guys. They always act like it's an amazing thing that they give you $110 in a digital scale. If you do it all the fucking time, it's not special anymore.

It's part of your offer. And if you act now, the same fucking thing we've been offering since the beginning is still on the table. Oh fuck, what was I going to tell you guys about? Oh, speaking of that, posters. Speaking of posters. Speaking of posters. Oh, Billy Redface. Guess what?

Guess what? Guess what? My southern tour. I think tickets might even be on sale right now. I'm so fucking excited about this. We're doing the bus tour. We're bringing the bus back. The bus is back.

I don't know. I got to think of, I need you guys help on this one because I need to come up with a name for the bus. The name for the bus tour going down through the south. And then also, I also mentioned that I was going to start possibly doing, I was going to have a big announcement about, I'm going to start doing a podcast every random Thursday. Maybe like twice a month. I don't know how I'm going to do this. And I also need a name for that one. I have a hell of a time trying to come up with that shit.

I'm not good at that. I'm good at running my fucking mouth. Right here we are. I'm on Bill Burr shows. All right. Here we go. For those of you who are at your cubicle right now and you got to pretend that you're working and you're actually on a phone call. I'll read you the dates that we got up here so far that are on sale.

All right. April 10th, I'll be in Miami Beach, Florida at the Fillmore Miami Beach at the Jackie Gleason Theater. And I played this place before and I didn't go upstairs. They have Jackie Gleason's office up there with a bunch of stuff that he had left over, you know, whatever. And he died. They just kept it there. It's a little shrine. And I didn't know about that till after I left.

And I remember someone was like, Hey, did you go up and see it? I was like, I was fucking pissed. I didn't because I used to love watching The Honeymooners and I love the Jackie Gleason show. Anyways, April 11th, I'll be in Tampa, Florida at the Ruth Eckered Hall. Ruth Eckered Hall. I don't know the fuck you say that for two shows. April 11th. All right.

And then the Southern tour starts for some reason Miami. I mean, Florida is not considered part of the South, even though they were part of the Southern tour last time we did. We did Tampa and then we went up to Tallahassee, the Florida State, I believe. So anyways, April 18th, I'm going to be in Savannah, Georgia, April 19th, Knoxville, Tennessee. It fucking kills me that I'm going there and it's not football season. That's on my bucket list to go to a Tennessee volunteer game, man. See that Perina catch out end zone, that checkerboard thing, watching everybody going nuts down there, having a pink pension. SEC football, motherfucker.

Chattanooga, Tennessee, April 20th, Memphis, Tennessee, April 21st. And I know what you're thinking. How come you didn't go to Nashville? Because that's not what this tour is about. Everybody who goes to Tennessee goes to Nashville. And then every cut in Tennessee who doesn't live there is going to drive over to Nashville. Guess what? They're sick of going to Nashville.

Knoxville, Chattanooga, and Memphis. All right, April 26th. I'll be in Huntsville, Alabama. All right, April 27th, Jackson, Mississippi. All right, May 1st, Evansville, Indiana. Well, that's not the south. Ah, whatever. We always got to throw one wild card in there.

Who the fuck goes to Evansville? Nobody. All right. But just to let you know, there's going to be some more dates in there. We got some, I think I got at least one other Mississippi date. I'm so fucking excited about this. Did I ever tell you guys how much I love the fucking south? Have I ever told you that?

Huh? All the old cars you see, the fucking people know how to fix up, driving around out there, all the great barbecue, all these fucking awesome places to eat, the fucking music. I absolutely fucking love it down there. And I can't wait to go down there. So anyways, so the tickets are on sale. Actually, the Memphis, Tennessee, Huntsville, Alabama, and Jackson, Mississippi, those are not on sale yet, but Evansville, Chattanooga, Knoxville, Savannah, Tampa, and Miami Beach are all on sale.

And I might as well keep going here for people who aren't in the south. I'm playing the Wilbur in Boston, Massachusetts. I'm doing a whole week. I'm doing a week run. Bill Burr at the Wilbur, all right? Tickets have been selling unbelievably. We've sold 13 shows out, if you can believe it. And we're going to add a 14th.

And that's going to be a rough one, you know? Because I'm going to be fucking seeing a bunch of friends. I love it. That's going to be so fucking awesome. Yeah, that's what all comes down to. It all comes down to the fucking friends I see that I meet on the road and the fucking cigars I smoke, although I've been keeping that in line this year. Going easy on the cigars.

Going easy. And the last date I have here is June 26th and 27th. I'm going to be at the Mirage Casino in Las Vegas. And my new hour is coming together. I just did 92 many stars and I was backstage going, what do I do? Do I do a couple of leftover bits? Do I do a couple of leftover bits from my last special that didn't make it? Or do I go with some new shit?

And I just said, fuck it. I'm going with my new shit. Fuck it. I'm not doing another special for another year and a half. Like I won't come up with another 10 minutes. I know I can do that. And I don't know. That's my philosophy.

Fuck that. You go hard, come out with your best shit, and just have faith that you're going to come up with something else. I hope I did the material justice. It was a really fun set. And there was somebody famous in the crowd that was just fucking nothing. Just got nothing, which always fucking kills you. Like they're famous.

They know things, you know? But anyway, so I'm really excited about that. And like I said, Jason Lawhead, Paul Verzi, I got the whole fucking crew coming around again. We got coach coming out. Jay Lawhead's Hall of Fame high school basketball coach. Dad's coming along and we got it all worked out. Couldn't get the same bus driver, which sucks. He's, I don't know.

I think we thought it was going to be in May at first, but now it's going to be in April and he's driving a band, Def Leppard actually, through Canada. So he can't be there, but that stinks. So we'll get him next time. But he recommended somebody that hopefully we're going to get. We'll have a good time, but blah, blah, blah, blah, blah and all that bullshit. So I need a name for the tour.

I'd love to hear your suggestions. And let me see. What else? You know what the easiest way to do it? Just send it to the, which I don't fucking have, of course, because I'm a dumb fuck. Oh, this, this podcast, you know what? This was a good podcast right up to the light. It just did the whole fucking thing just went off the rails.

How dumb is it that I don't even know? I don't even know what the Twitter handle is for my own fucking podcast. Do you realize how fucking not even sad at this point? Don't don't you guys? Yeah, Bill. Yeah, we expect that out of you. We expect that lack of professionalism at the M M podcast. Is that what it is?

What is it? Oh, go fuck yourself, Bill. You suck. You just fucking suck. I'm the worst. I don't even know what it is. Somebody find it and then fucking tweet me it so I know what my own goddamn. I can't even find the thing.

I follow it. It should be coming up. Is it at the M M podcast? I'm sorry. You guys have to listen to this. There it is. I got it. All right.

So at the M M podcast. If you could just tweet me your ideas for the name of the Southern tour and I already know some of you are going to be a little wacky with your ideas slapping on the knee there. For that or the Thursday podcast, even if I don't use what you have, I'll be a nice jump off point for me and I can actually come up with something. I'm going to come up with a real cool tour poster. I'm going to sign all of the posters and I'll be out there during the Southern tour, you know, shaking hands kissing babies and all that shit. And all I ask you guys is you just tell us where to go get some drinks and where the cool places are to eat. We do not want to go to any chains. We want to go to the fucking spot.

And if the spot is the shit, the local mom and pop place is the shit. I promise you, I will not tell anybody about it. Because, you know, as much as the food network and all them, you know, they have their heart in the right fucking place. You know, they end up blowing up the place and then every douche like me comes to town, you know, with my fucking flip flops and a brochure and then you can't get a seat there anymore. So I won't do it. I won't do that to you. But if you could let us know, that would be fucking tremendous. So anyways, I just mentioned that I'm trying to keep my cigar smoking. I'm trying to get it under control and it's actually scary how many have already smoked this year to actually count them.

I've smoked 13 so far and that is a lot. So I'm thinking last year where I didn't even pay attention, I easily smoked over a hundred fucking cigars. I must have. Every three, four days, I would think so. Sometimes I go, you know, and then, you know, sometimes I go like 10, 12 days, but then I go on like a three day run. I was hanging with Verzi or something like that and I know it's bad. I know I got to stop and there was, you know, Leonard Nimoy passing away. His last fucking tweet is don't smoke. I wish I didn't something like that live long and prosper and you know, the guy was like fucking 83.

84 years old. And even then, if you're lying on your, do you think, you know, as a young person, you'd be like, ah, man, that's a great run. I'd love to fucking live that long. But when you're fucking facing it at 83, 84 and it's still too early, you know what I mean? I just think if you die because of your lifestyle, I think that's a tough one to get over when you're lying there. You know, it's one thing if you just, you know, something tragic happens that that's not your. But if you were actually shoveling something into your fucking mouth that caused you to die earlier and spend less days on earth, I mean, that's got to be a motherfucker.

And just the fact that the guy at 84 still had a little bit of regret about that. That was really an eye opener. So I was trying to do one cigar a week this year, which is still 52 fucking cigars, right? That's fucking ridiculous. That's still unacceptable. So anyways, so right now we're about nine weeks in. I should be on cigar number nine and I'm already up to 13. This should be all the way into April.

So I'm actually going to take this month off. I'm not going to smoke any, although a buddy of mine is coming to town Friday and they already said we're going to smoke. Well, maybe after number 14. Oh, Jesus, a rough one, you know. But anyways, I got to get this thing under control. I'm really going to like, I don't have any cigars in my house anymore. The fucking humidor is shut down. You know, whatever the fuck you call it, humidifier.

That's for fucking singers. Humidor is for fucking. Yeah, there you go. Yeah, that's shut down. I'm not fucking using that thing anymore. And I've been boozing way less. You once in a while, I got to shut it down. But anyways, let me talk about the goddamn comedy jam, everybody.

So last week, I for the fourth time, I did it. This is my favorite fucking show to do. And this time we did guns and roses, Paradise City. I dressed up like Steven Adler, one of my favorite drummers of all time. And it was really cool. I watched a bunch of old guns and roses videos just to see what he dressed like and just watch how he played to do maybe a mini impression of him, which I don't think I did. I because I'm not comfortable enough playing in front of a pack club playing live like this point to actually throw in a little bit of an impersonation of the drummer. I'll get to that level of comfort, because that's what I'm working each time.

Each time I play a little bit better, but I'm still at the point of like, oh my God, don't fuck this song up, which I always do, which I always do. But this is what was the best that I played. And I'm not going to lie to you, man, for a bunch of comedians, we fucking killed it for a professional band. I don't know. But it was so much fucking fun. And I think I tweeted a couple pictures of me dressed as Steven Adler. You know, it's fucking hilarious though was he wore like a lot of like tank tops and shit like that, which I wasn't going to wear. I'm too fucking self conscious about my pasty torso.

So he wore some vests and shit like that. So I just had a white t-shirt and I bought like this leather vest. And with the wig in the sunglasses, it looked funny, right? But I got to tell you at one point, you know, I was at home by myself and I had the t-shirt on. I had on the leather vest and I put the sunglasses on. And before before I put the wig on, I looked in the mirror and I look like Rob Halford. You know, not to say he doesn't look good in a vest. I'm just saying I shouldn't shit on him.

Yeah, I cannot pull off a fucking leather vest. That is that is a spent you need you need hair to pull that off. All right. If you don't you just I can't even tell you what I fucking look like. I look like somebody Al Pacino would have talked to in cruising back in back in the day in that fucking movie. I would have burst it out laughing if it wasn't so shocking how fucking silly I looked. Oh, yeah, it was bad. It was bad.

But anyways, I put the fucking wig on, which was actually a woman's wig. You know, it's hard to find is a fucking heavy metal long blonde wig. They just didn't have them was all black hair, brown hair. And then they had a one that was actually the right consistency, but it was his whitish kind of hair. It looks stupid. So I had to fucking comb the thing down. I looked fucking ridiculous. I looked fucking ridiculous and everyone like, you know, it's funny was when I came walking out the drum and the band.

Nick who plays bass when I sit in he never he that when he gets to see like however I'm dressing up is as I walk out on stage and I saw that's the hardest. I saw him laughing. So I knew it was a it was a good thing. So then I just went up and I did a set and I basically was defending Stephen at Stephen Adler saying that he shouldn't have been kicked out of guns and roses. And I knew all this nerdy shit about him. So the crowd really enjoyed it. And all the while I was reading his autobiography and I got as much as I love Stephen Adler. I got to tell you when I read the fucking the book, there was that fucking junkie thing where he was not taking responsibility.

That's like not once in the book did he say like, all right, I'm going to admit on this day or on this gig, I was too fucked up to play and I played really sloppy. It was just he always had some sort of a fucking reason. But what I liked about the book was because I read Slash's book and I still felt like he was trying not to piss off Axel because the chance of a reunion was still there and Axel so fucking I guess touchy or whatever. What I did like about Adler's was he didn't give a shit. And it seemed like he didn't give a fuck either when he was in the band. He had this great story of one night. They went out to play. They went out to play live.

And Axel goes out to sing and the monitors were fucked up and he was just like fuck this show and walked off stage after two or three songs. And as he was walking by Adler, he gave him shit. It was like, well, Axel, maybe if you showed up for the fucking soundcheck, things would have sound right, you know, actually said that. Whenever I see shit, whenever I read stuff about that band, because I fucking love that band, it was just like, I don't know, it's just awful watching how everybody just fucking let that guy spin out. At least it seems that way, right? You like how I've read so many of those books, I actually think I know what happened in the band. I'm going to shut up now. It's not like a total nerd.

But anyways, is there anything else I wanted to talk about this week before I get into your questions? I momentarily mentioned that the Bruins are starting to play better. Thank God. I mentioned Night of Too Many Stars. What else? What else? I think that's it. I think that's it.

All right, let's get into the old questions here for the week. All right, drummer article. You know, I've seen this before. Somebody sent this to me. It said, hey, Bill, this article has been going around all week. I'm sure someone sent it to you. It's about how drummers are more intelligent. How does it feel to be the exception?

He says, just kidding, go fuck yourself. So obviously he's shitting on me. There's this new study that claims that drummers are actually more intelligent than everyone. So right there, that's fucking ridiculous. That's not true. But it's basically, it says that because, well, let me just read this thing. According to a collection of studies, drummers are super smart due to a variety of factors relating to being in the rhythm section. So wouldn't that mean like the bass player and the rhythm guitarist or the piano player, whatever fucking makes up your rhythm section, would all be smarter?

I don't know. The news comes courtesy of Pauli Mick. He gives it the fact that I can't even spell up. I can't really say I'm a drummer. It's just a hobby. Who have compiled a series of reports from Oxford and Harvard. Ooh, universities to name a few. What they found was that the dude at the back of the band isn't the head scratcher that you might think he is.

In fact, he's more likely to be the smartest of them all. For examples, researchers at Stockholm's Karolinska Institute found that the drummers who kept a tighter rhythm also scored better on 60 question intelligent test. This is a reflection of better problem solving skills, which creates a positive impact on those around him. Or they're just a smart person who decided to play drums. So naturally they would score higher. I don't know that I buy into that. I think that that's a, it's, I think this article is a reaction to all the drummer jokes. You know, for those of you that aren't in the play music or whatever, musician, I guess is what you'd fucking call it.

For those of you who play music. Hey, for those of you who play music. There's a bunch of drummer jokes like what do you call somebody who hangs around musicians, drummer. You know, how do you know there's a drummer at the door, the knocking speeds up. I guess that's one of the talking about our timing or whatever, but like it's there's a lot of like drummers that are fucking morons who just bash it and they're not actually musicians. So I think that this is a reaction to that to say like not only the musicians are actually smarter than the fucking lead singer and lead guitarist, you know, I think that that's just what this is. So do I buy into it?

No, I don't. I don't. I think that there's, you know, I think that there's super smart people that decide that or whatever, get into music. Some of them are drummers, some of them play the fucking oboe, but I don't think, I gotta admit, you know, I've met a ton of drummers and it's just like meeting people. Some are cool, some are assholes, some are smart, you know. I think it's just, I don't buy into it. All right, whatever. There we go.

All right. How to not wreck your eyes. Okay, Bill, you were 100% correct. Finally. If your eyes are trying to adjust for flicker, it wears out, wears them out big time. Well, that sounds very medical. For this reason, you never need, you never read or study under a single fluorescent bulb. A buddy of mine lost his pilot qualification this way with only one fluorescent bulb.

Your eyeball kills itself trying to dilate and constrict at an impossible speed. Oh yeah, because it kind of like flickers. I don't understand fluorescent bulbing. And I also don't understand why whenever I go to Home Depot, I accidentally buy those every fucking time. I look all over the box. I can't seem to find where it says fluorescent. Anyways, what is a regular light called? If it's not fluorescent, what's the good one?

The nice warm one that makes my eyes go, ah, I can see. What does it make your eyes do, Bill? Ah, anyways, my buddy's eye doctor told him that if you have to study under fluorescent, make sure it's at least two bulbs or you'll wreck your eyes as he did his. Hope this helps. Well, you know what could help? Somebody help me fucking read that goddamn thing. Alright, franchise.

This is hilarious. I'm finally allowing enough time to get through all the goddamn reads and now I have nothing to say about any of them. Alright, franchise. Bill, not sure if anyone asked you, not sure if anyone's asked you think before. Once again, people not proof reading. I already have a difficult time reading out loud. Bill, not sure if anyone's asked you what you think before, but if you could own a current sports franchise, which would it be?

Or if you had to create a franchise for any sport in any city, which would you pick? What would you call the team? What city could really use a team in a particular sport? Thanks. Alright, let's see here. So I think somebody's asked me this before. Alright, if I could, if I could own any sports team, I'm like most sports fans,

I would want to own a sports team from the city that I'm from. And back in the day when I was growing up, I would then go to be the greatest owner of all time. And not only would we win a championship, we would win the most championships up in the sport during the time that I own the team. You know? But unfortunately that dream has died for me because not only do I have the money, but every Boston team has gone out and won championships. And you know, so I can't really, am I going to be a better owner than Robert Kraft? No.

The people over at the Red Sox, right? The Bruins, the Celtic, you know? What am I going to do? I guess right now the team that I'm most concerned about will probably be the Boston Celtics, and I would want them to win a bunch of championships so they stay out in front of the Lakers. Because the Lakers have, you know, they've just won so many goddamn championships since the 70s, it's insane. And of course they count that one from the BAA or whatever the fuck it is, which is so fucking ridiculous, but such a classic L.A. thing.

I actually think it's funny that they do it because everybody out here has padded their resume, you know? No one's a fucking waitress, they're all an actress. Everybody's a director and that type of shit. So you want to say you got 16? We won an NBA championship before there was an NBA. Oh, did you? How'd you do that? Because we're in L.A. So maybe that one, I think, but I think if I had to own any team,

I would probably be a team in a city that I love, a team that was probably great when I was a kid, but isn't anymore. I would maybe turn the Pittsburgh Pirates around, or the Baltimore Orioles, even though they had a great year last year. Let me see, that's a damn good question. It's a damn good question. I think, I don't know, there's so many fucking teams I hate after a while. If you watch enough sports, you fucking hate all of them.

You just like your team. Unless they just stink every goddamn year. I don't know. You know, back in the day, I was thinking like owning a Canadian hockey team, because they haven't had the cup there in so long, it'd be cool to bring it back. Obviously, it wouldn't be the Canadians. And Maple Leaf fans are such fucking shit-talking cunts. I wouldn't want them to see any success either.

And I got to be honest with you, we always lose to them in the gold medal game in the Olympics, and then they talk all this fucking shit. You know what, fuck all those teams. Fuck them all. But if I had to pick one, maybe I'd bring Edmonton back, Calgary I like. There was a time, believe it or not, that I actually used to like Vancouver, before we played them in the finals, and then I fucking hated them. But enough of them have left, and I think they have a new personality,

but they still have the Sadeen twins there. I don't even know what, why would I not like them? What, because they're good? I don't know. Yeah, I think I would just be a hometown thing, or like the Pittsburgh Pirates, or something like that, or maybe bring a championship to Cleveland, I think would be great, to make the Browns, yeah, maybe I'd take the Browns.

I'd make the Browns, but I would tell people to stop fucking eating dog biscuits and that type of shit. That would be the trade-off. You have to come to the game, dress like a human being, you don't go there and humiliate yourself, thinking you're actually affecting the defense of the other team. Like, oh my god, fuck this 360-pound tackle that's going to be pulling, that I have to fucking get crushed by to force the run back to the inside. Fuck all that, there's a fat accountant eating a dog biscuit barking at me.

That's really messing with my focus, man. Or, you know, maybe bring a football team to LA, but you know something, I don't think they deserve it. All right, fucking Southern California fans, all the way up to San Francisco and Oakland, they're fucking horrific. Not all of them, but just they're horrible fucking people who bring violence to the game and they beat up people who wear different uniforms. I mean, somebody got shot at like a fucking 49ers Raiders pre-season game

and what those fucking assholes at the Dodger game did to that family, that father with a family with a couple of kids, that guy's brain dead, basically. It's got permanent brain damage. They took these kids' data weight with these kids right there. There's no excuse, you saw that he was a father, so fuck all of them, they don't deserve a fucking team. There you go.

That answers your question. All right, name change or not. All right, this is a crazy one. Hey, yo, Billy. I have heard you talk about ISIS a few times on the Monday morning podcast, so I thought I'd ask your opinion on something that's been bothering me for a while now. My husband and I had our child in the fall of 2013. Throughout my pregnancy, we spent a lot of time trying to come up with the perfect name

and tried to make sure it was a name that no one could make fun of. And why don't you just go with Susan? Kathy, Karen, all the classics. No one's going to give you shit about those. After months and months of debate, we finally settled on the name, ISIS, after the Bob Dylan song. I don't understand what happens to two parents, between being a child and being picked on and bullied and all that type.

There's just something about it when you become a parent. You just forget and you buy your kids stupid clothes, please beat the shit out of me clothes, and then you give your kid a name like ISIS. Let's just say ISIS, the terrorist group, didn't exist. All right, isn't that like a... That's like a... When I was a kid, ISIS was... I got to look this up.

That was like... That was some superhero that was a woman. Almighty ISIS, ISIS, ISIS. Right? Well, people who named their kid like Thor. All right, ISIS woman. It's my search. Hero.

This is going to put me on an FBI fucking watch list, because ISIS and hero are in the same thing. Images for ISIS woman hero. ISIS, TV series 75, 76. I remember that. She'd go, Almighty ISIS, ISIS, ISIS. And then she was like, it was a rip-off of Wonder Woman. ISIS, DC Comics.

Here we go. Here we go. My slow ass internet. Here we go. ISIS is a DC Comics superhero. God damn look at her. Holy shit. I swear to God, man.

Does any woman look better than a woman that a guy draws? All right, ISIS is a DC Comics superhero, as well as a separate Egyptian goddess also living in the DC Universe. The recent superhero character is modeled closely after the main character of the secrets of ISIS, a live action American Saturday morning television program that served as the second half of Shazam. I remember that.

Shazam, ISIS hour. The television character appeared in the late 70s DC Comics publication. Yeah, I remember this shit. So that to me, that that's what it was. All right, let me go back to your question here. So, well, as you know, a few months ago, a few months after she was born, this stupid terrorist group who just so happens to go by the name ISIS is all over the news.

ISIS is actually a beautiful name. I shouldn't be making fun of that. I don't know all of the political aspects of the group, and I really don't care. All I know is that a year later, these people are still all over the news and don't seem to be going away anytime soon. I don't know, these terrorist groups, they're kind of like boy bands. You know what I mean?

They're fucking hot for a couple of summers, and then they just kind of go away, you know? But like Hezbollah is like fucking the Backstreet Boys at this point. You know, and ISIS is like, not the Jonas Brothers. Jonas Brothers is like Hezbollah, right? Or the Al-Qaeda. I'd say they're more like the Al-Qaeda. And ISIS is like, wherever those fucking people are, whoever the new one is, right?

That's who they are. Okay, all I know is that a year later, these people are still all over the news and don't seem to be going anywhere anytime soon. We tried ignoring it, but every time we have to tell someone our daughter's name, we either get a weird confused look or we get someone who tells us she should start going by her middle name. Wow. Who would say that to a mother?

We have thought about, I guess I'm old enough that when I heard ISIS, just to let you know, when I heard ISIS, the terrorist group, I laughed at the name because I was thinking like, that's that superhero that was a rip-off of Wonder Woman. You know what I mean? Anyways, we have thought about having her go by her middle name until all this blows over, but she just doesn't look like anything other than an ISIS to us. So we decided that would be too weird.

One solution we have thought of is to change her name to something that is similar to ISIS so she can still use the nickname's shortened version of her current name, but we won't have the word ISIS tied to her legally. So my question is this, do we let everyone else win or go through all of the legal and financial burdens of getting her name changed or do we keep her name as it is now? Continue to put up with all the side comics and dirty looks and hope... Who would think that someone would name a little girl after a terrorist group?

What state do you live in? And hope the terrorist group ISIS doesn't turn out into any bigger deal than it already is. Thanks for the advice and as always, go fuck yourself. I say you stand strong at this point. That's what I say. I say you stay with the name. It's actually a beautiful name. That's a beautiful name for a little girl. ISIS is a beautiful name. I don't know. I don't know what to tell you.

You know, because then it's like, alright, so we're going to be stubborn and then... Gee, what a fucking situation because then it's like... Your kid's going to be young enough that if you switch it now, it's not going to remember. But if you go too long, that would be weird if all of a sudden somebody changed my name to like Chuck. Hey, Charlie. Charlie! Oh yeah, that's right. That's my name. Hey, how are you? What's going on? That would be weird. Yeah, that sucks. That sucks. And it also sucks that they're making ISIS out to be this huge fucking deal.

You know what I mean? That we're focusing all these billions of dollars on this little ass fucking group. Right? And meanwhile over here, you know, you have people that took control of the food supply and from what I've read have essentially turned it into poison. Isn't that terrorist behavior right here? You can't focus on that. You can't focus on bankers and all these fucking cunts. How about that shit? I swear to God, I don't understand why we can't just fucking build shit in this country, fix our own fucking shit. And look, you know electric cars, you know the batteries and shit.

They're going to do just as much damage to the environment as oil and gas are. You know they are. But here's the deal. If we fucking switch over to that shit and then we don't use oil, they fucking go bankrupt. And if they go bankrupt, all these cunts that are literally on our side can't fund the money into these terrorist groups and then they fucking go away. Right? And then you can have a kid named, you know, Hezbollah. Hezbollah Saunders. Hezbollah Saunders. All right. Yeah. So I don't know. That's that's that sucks. I actually, you know, something I kind of gave you shit in the beginning.

I actually feel really bad for you because you love your kid. You love the name and then that's all one thing. I don't know. I don't think ISIS is going to be around too long. I just think that they're they're too desperate. You know what I mean? They're too desperate for attention. Just the shit that they're doing. They're really kind of hacky. Cutting people's heads off, lighting people on fire. It's always some sensational fucking thing. You know what I mean? Like if they were a comedian, they would just be they'd have a catchphrase.

I feel like they'd wear the same clothes every time they went on stage and they fucking, you know, they're trying too hard to be evil. I feel that to think they're actually going to they're going to last they fucking allegedly. I mean, who knows once it goes through all the fucking propaganda on all this shit. That person they threw off the roof was allegedly a gay guy and they were thrown off because he was gay, just like fucking animals. I just don't think they're going to laugh. I think I think even they are too fucking insane to last is what I'm hoping. You know, and I don't know. That's a rough one because I think my whole life I will remember the name has Bola. I will remember the name Al Qaeda. Will I remember ISIS though? I you know, there's a big boy band out right now. I don't know the name of it.

Oh, man, that's a motherfucker. I don't know. I don't know what to tell you. You know what, I might have to phone a friend. What do you guys think? Let's take a vote. All right, you got three things come up with a name for my southern tour. Help me come up with a name for my southern tour should say help me come up with a name for the Thursday podcast. The Thursday, Monday morning podcast and help this woman make this decision. Ah, that fucking blows. Imagine if you had a kid, you just named him Eddie, some regular name and then there's some new terrorist group over there. And Eddie somehow stood for something, you know, eviction of, you know, fucking endolopers, except it worked with Eddie.

Anyways, anyway, anyways, so that's a podcast for this week. When it came out right about an hour this week, I'm psyched that my Bruins are starting to play well again. You know, trying to stay ahead of the fucking Panthers. I'm really, I don't know what to tell you. I'm actually thinking about that sports question again. I would like to start an upstart league, an upstart basketball league. It's just too many fucking teams already. I would like to do that and bring a team back have bring back like the Rochester Royals. You know, that'd be fun.

You know something actually thinking about that now that we think this question. Seeing how fucking awesome the fans are when I went to a Oklahoma Thunder game. Is that right? Is it the thunder? Can you remember some sort of weather? I don't watch hoop. Wow. My brain is fried. Oklahoma City Thunder. Yeah, just seeing how fucking awesome their fans were and just the stadium that they built, which was just bare bones, nothing crazy like the Staples Center and some of these other places.

And the place was so fucking loud because you don't know that wasted space of luxury boxes and everything. So it's really contained and it's like super loud. I think it would be fun to bring a professional team to a place like Rochester or something like that. I think that would be really badass now that I rethink it. And I'm psycho into fucking college hoops right now. And it actually kills me when I was in New York. I didn't I last second I looked up to see when St. Johns was playing and the game was already going. It was down at Madison Square Garden and it could have fucking gone.

It fucking bugs me anyways. All right, I'm okay. It came in like a line and went out like a lamb. By the way, March 2nd, this is my 23rd anniversary as being a stand up comedian. Living the dream coming up on a quarter century. When am I going to buy myself for my 25th anniversary? All right, that's the podcast for this week. Go fuck yourselves.

I hope it doesn't keep snowing back East, even though it makes me laugh. But that is it. I will talk to you guys soon. Rest in peace, Leonard Nimoy. And thanks for the advice on smoking. I will try to fucking quit a little bit. See ya.