Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 3-20-17

Episode Date: March 20, 2017

Bill rambles about Dunkin' Donuts, old cars and losing his shit.

In the mountain, in the kitchen, even in the living, they really lie everywhere, riding the empty baths. But now we're going to the finish, bring them to a b-bath collection point quickly. You will always find one in your neighborhood on b-bath.be. B-bath? Together, better for nature and for all of us. Campaign in cooperation with the OVAM. Dude, I'm in a great mood.

Boop, boop, boop, boop. You fucking duck my fucking dick. Boop, boop, boop. I don't know why I just sang that song. I just been watching a bunch of fucking old, you know, I listened to old country now and then I started listening to old fucking rock and roll. You know, what's his face? Just died.

The guy used to fucking film chicks that he shit on or something, whatever his name is. Chuck Berry. Uh-huh. Whoa. Yeah. You know, it's part of one of his classics. If you listen to the background, you can hear him shitting on people. I have such respect for him, too.

You know, it's just one stuff like that gets out once it gets out. Um, anyway, so I just been, uh, I'm in a great fucking mood because my fucking shoulder. I had this rotator cuff injury and it's just been fucking with me since, um, October. And, uh, I finally found an exercise. It works for me for me. I just feel like for my shoulder, my shoulder needs a safe place. People on the internet are mean. A lot of crying out there.

Um, all right. So this is, this is the exercise. If you, if your rotator cuff is fucked up like mine is the problem is, is if you can, look what this injury, it's like you can still pick up the same amount of weight. You can always pick up depending on the angle, but then shaking hands or just reaching for a salt shaker, all of a sudden you're like, this sharp pain. It's basically what I've learned is it's the muscle like it's when you first go to raise your arm that first 30 degrees, that's what the fuck it is.

And then the big boys take over, whatever you're doing, how you lifting your lunch, pale up, maybe you got a giant fucking donut. You want to shove it to your face like I did today. I broke my rules about donuts. You know, my, uh, my wife, uh, I was wanting some donuts. So I went by, there's a Duncan donuts out here. Right. So I show up and it's late in the day.

It's like fucking two in the afternoon. So all the donuts are gone. You know, they're still making them, but they, they don't have, you know, they don't have that freshness to them. They got those, you know, the little munchkins. They had like the worst flavors left. It was like blueberry custard and fuck your mother, whatever the fuck it was called. And I was like, that's what you got left.

They were like, yeah, I think I left. This is after the people in front of me could not make up their mind. You know, can we get a dozen donuts and they lay them down now. That's how long it's been since I've seen anybody get a dozen donuts. They lay them down back in the day. They stood them up and the frosting from one donut got on another donut. You know, and evidently with all the iPhones coming out, somebody finally decided, why don't we make the box a different shape and we'll lay them down.

And I imagine the Steve Jobs of Duncan Donuts went to some sort of comic con of fat people and he came out in a turtleneck sweater with his fucking new balance sneakers and he fucking showed off the box and everybody went, oh my God, right? They're fucking mantits bouncing up and down. And you think he gave credit to the poor little fucking eight-year-old in the back room who had to put those things together? Huh? The blind nine-year-old girl who fucking designed the box down in fucking East Albuquerque.

You think he gave him any credit? Of course he didn't. Of course he didn't. Oh, look who's here. My two angels. Cutie number one and cutie number two. What's up, buddy? Hey, Nia, this is some bad language in here.

She can't understand it anyways. What's going on? Do you want to be on the podcast, Nini? Sure. We'll grab a mic. Go, go, go, go. You shake my nerve and you rat on my brain. Yeah, you got to grab stuff in the bag.

Anyways, so. Whoa, what did you do? What do you mean what did I do? You got doggy treats. I know. I know. Fucking cat. Come back, come back in a minute.

Come back in a minute. I'm in the middle of this story. Oh, all right. All right. Bye. Okay. You know, that fucking guy a little time to make the donuts. That was just an actor.

So anyway, so I call up Nia. Okay. And I just go, yeah, they don't have any fucking donuts. They're donuts suck there anyways. And she went, oh my God, she goes blasphemy. A guy from Boston, which I'm not. I'm from the Boston area. I'm from the safe suburbs.

All right. So you can take your goodwill hunting fucking quotes and you can tell them to somebody else because I grew up in a nice suburb. There was cul-de-sacs. We played street hockey. We roasted marshmallows. All right. There was no, it's, it's not your fault.

There was none of that shit. Nobody liked apples and I sucked at math. Okay. That's it. I climbed trees and I had a paper route. Okay. So enough with the Southeast. Shit.

Anybody from Massachusetts is not from South Boston. We didn't steal cars. Okay. A lot of us are from the suburbs. We slept in bunk beds. I'm so sick of that fucking movie. Where are you from? You just, you just say, I, you know, from Massachusetts.

Oh boss. Southeast. Did you grow up in Southeast? Did you like apples? Did you say how about them apples down at the tasty? Like some fucking stuck up Harvard cunt is going to mess with anybody ever from fucking, well, back to where South Boston used to be. Now there are Harvard grads that live down there from what I've heard.

I have no idea. I don't know what goes on in that city. Okay. Last time I lived there, they were just starting the big dig and that big ugly green thing was still there and going from Fanuel Hall over to the north end, you took your life in your hands. You just felt it. You went underneath the fucking Southeast expressway and it was scary,

you know. Anyways, what the fuck? I call her up and I just say, yeah, I got the doughnut suck and she goes, oh my God, she goes, a Boston guy saying dunk a doughnut sucks. That's blasphemy. It's like, yeah, nobody gives a fuck about their doughnuts. It's all about the coffee. All right.

I don't drink the coffee. I don't drink coffee. I don't like it. It tastes like dirty water. It burns my tongue. It stains your teeth. It's just, it's a fucking, it's the trifecta of, you know, I guess it helps you take a shit though.

I know a lot of people like, you know, I drink a coffee, smoke a sig, take a good shit, get on with my day. You know, have a French fucking curler. It's all about the cook. Like their bread and butter is the coffee. Okay. That's the lead singer. That's like, if, if Dunkin Donuts broke up and the coffee went solo.

All right. That's the George Michael and the doughnuts are the, the, whatever that other guy's name was Andrew Ridgley. Anyway, so I go, yeah, fuck that place. So, uh, the, oh yeah, the people in front of me, they couldn't make up that goddamn mind. Like what do you want? Uh, what, what's in those?

Oh, can we get to, let's get three of those. They kept talking to each other. We'll get three of the pink ones. Um, and I was already having a bad day because, um, I keep my truck in storage now because, uh, we got the little one. And it's just easier for my wife to get in and out of the garage. And I knew if I kept my truck there and show, he's had to squeeze by it and try and get the fucking stroller and all that shit, you know, what's going to happen.

Eventually she's going to be like, I don't know, what do we need three cards for? And eventually she's going to make me sell it. So I did a preemptive strike and I immediately put it in fucking storage before she could bitch about it. So I had it over the last fucking like five days. Love it. So I just switch out. All right.

So I put Jackie in storage and I take out the old girl, right? And I drove her for like five fucking days. And of course the battery died because I forgot to unhook the, uh, the terminals there. Had to get a jump down at the comedy store. Um, and, uh, anyway, so I'm going to return the car today. And it's the day before I go in the road. So we have a rule in my house in my house. There is a rule.

Um, that basically the day before I go in the road, I, it's family day. I hang out, you know, I make breakfast. I made some fucking meatballs. I cook the goddamn chicken. I make sure that she's got food in the fridge. You know, I'm a hell of a guy. So I make sure she's going to be all right.

Right. So I go, all right, I got to return my truck. She's like, what are you going to be back? I'm like, I'm going to be back soon. All right. So I get in a truck and I do what I always do. I drive down the, I got to move fucking, you know, I got to move her car. I come like a valet cause I have the shittiest drive where you ever, right?

So I'm fucking driving up the street. And as always, big, stupid grin on my face. It's my favorite thing ever. It's three on the tree. It's so much fun to drive. And whenever I get a little bit of space out here, I just get to fucking run through all three gears. That's all I want to do.

Every time I do, I get right. And when the second I get it into third gear, I always have the window down, even though I put some AC in there. I never fucking knew. I didn't use it for so long. I turned it on and all this white shit came out and I breathed it in and probably took like fucking, nine years off my life. Anytime I get it up into third gear and I'm cruising down the street,

I always do the same thing. I always go, woo! Every time. I never did that once in nine years of owning my Prius, ever. It's just, it's the greatest sound in the fucking world. It's the sound of a big fucking American engine, making it great, running through the fucking gears, loud pipes.

It's the greatest fucking sound ever. And every time I get through, woo! When I go up the street, right? So I'm having a great time. You know, I'm driving down the street. I got the AM radio on. I usually listen to Keyshawn Johnson's fucking sports show, but you know, it's the weekend, so it wasn't on.

And anyways, I get on to, you know, I get on to the fucking highway. And of course I'm cruising along and right before we get to, I get to my exit, it is just like this traffic from fucking, it's like five in the afternoon traffic of a fucking truck jackknife. It is just, of course, my exit. And I told the people I'd be over there by noon, so I'm starting to feel stressed. I'm like, what the fuck is going on?

So I try to make a fucking, you know, a Boston move here, right? Even from the suburbs. Massachusetts move. I'm going to go around all this shit, act like I'm going to drive by and then I'm going to fucking cut in. And I don't know what the fuck was going on. I couldn't see any, any accident. So I'm trying to go from one highway to another.

So I got, I know what I'll do. I'll just fucking rather than go east like I want to, I'll just get on the west side. I'll take the highway west, go down one exit, and then I'll curl back around because I can see on the overpass, there's no fucking traffic. I don't know whether it was like this offshoot to the on ramp, right? That everyone was going down.

Like I don't know what the like Paul Simon was doing, like a free concert of some shit. That was the level of, of, of traffic. So I say, fuck it. I get out of the traffic. I drive down, get it up to third gear. Right. I fucking go to go west to turn one fucking block, you know,

one, one exit up and then come back around. And as I fucking go there, all of a sudden this is all this other traffic going the other direction. And I, and this is the first time since I started meditating that I had an absolute meltdown. I literally screamed as loud as I possibly could. Fuck you LA. Every fucking cock sucking mother fucking con fucking every word

you could possibly think. You know, and then I'm fucking just stuck in even worse traffic going the other way to go one fucking exit, you know, up to come back around. And all I'm thinking is where the fuck I would be if I just, just took the pain to begin with and just stayed in that traffic jam. I'd be creeping forward and whatever. Why didn't I just call the place and say I was going to be a little late?

Oh, you know what, Bill? Cause that would have been the chill thing to do. Right. I didn't. So it turns out I look up. I'm like, what the fuck? This is like, it's Saturday at noon. How is the five o'clock in the afternoon on Friday traffic?

I am like literally beside myself. Just saying every curse I possibly can. And I look up and there's two little flashers going on and it's tow truck flashers, right? And I'm like, oh, here we go. This is all rubber neck and on the other side of the road, it's fucking going, you know, like gangbusters. Everybody's cruising by.

That's where I want to be. Right. And I can't get to it. So I'm like, you fucking fucking rubber neck and piece. What's something we change in attire? It's going to be a fender bender and I'm losing my shit. Now if I was a fucking dictator, I would deliberately have a car on the side of the road

changing attire. Whoever slowed down and looked at it would be eliminated, would be removed from society, fed to the fucking pigs, whatever the hell, whatever that fat fucking North Korea does to his goddamn relatives, feeds them to dogs. That's what I would do. I was actually, I was so fucking mad.

I was like, you know, that fat fucking North Korea, he's actually making sense to me. You know, so I get all the way up. I should be careful, man. He might send somebody over here to miss me. Like he did to his other, you know, he set up those two fucking whores over there, right? To take out his fucking step brother.

So anyways, I get all the way up to the traffic jam. And of course it's a little fender bender. There's people standing there. There's nothing going on, but I'm finally going to get past it, finally going to get off the exit, come around and fucking run through the gears and fucking go down the other side.

And what do I see on the other side of the road? Where it was all nice and clear. Now there's major traffic because the dumb cunts on the other side of the highway are slowing down to look at the shit on my side of the highway. So now I got to sit through it fucking twice. And something told me, don't get off at the first exit bill.

Everybody has this idea. Go to the second exit, you know, and then come back and guess what I did? I ignored that instinct. Got off the first one. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. Fucking dead stop traffic. And the only way to get back on the highway

is I got to make this illegal U-turn. And I don't give a fuck. I'm making it. And I'm just sitting there cocksucking, motherfucking, dictator fucking, cut all their fucking heads off. And I'm getting ready to make my illegal U-turn. And I just happen to look in my rear view mirror

and guess what's two cars behind me? A fucking cop. I'm like, what are the fucking odds? Now I got to go straight. I said, fuck this. So I get in the right lane and I just cruise up and I get out of his sight. And I finally fucking turn around.

I finally got into a good lane and I came back and then I got back under traffic again, looked at the same people, looking at the same accident. There was nothing going on. And then I fucking finally was able to continue on. And of course I made the call. There was no problem. Nobody gave a shit.

Nobody yelled at me. It was fine. I completely lost my shit and I'm in bed. I got so fucking mad that when I saw the people on the other side of the road, rubber-necking, I gave them the finger. And I was all the way to the right, getting off the highway and I gave all of them the finger.

I mean, like, do you realize how immature that is? I mean, I was just like, have you ever been embarrassed about yourself, by yourself? Like, I actually hit that level because like I stuck my whole fucking arm out the window, giving them the finger. The person behind me could see it, be like,

who's this guy giving the finger to? You know, I'm basically saying it wasn't one of my best moments. But anyways, as I mentioned earlier, one of the great things is somebody showed me this exercise for rehabbing the rotator cuff and it's fucking been great. First of all, what you do is you basically, you bend over at the waist.

No, you're not going to take it up the ass, okay, before anybody makes that easy joke. You let your arm hang down and what you start doing, it's basically your finger, your whole, your fingers are pointed at the floor. Your arm's hanging straight down. You just make small circles, right? And you counterclockwise or clockwise

and then you just start to make it bigger and bigger, just to get to the point of pain. And then you live there for a minute, then you back it back down to small circles and then go clockwise if you want counterclockwise. You just go vice versa. You just go the other direction. You do the same thing again. Whatever that does, it kind of gets some fucking little lube in there.

I have no idea. I don't know shit about anatomy, right? And anyways, and then what you do is you have your arm straight out, not straight out. You have it down at an angle. You walk up to a wall. I have to explain this part perfectly. And by the way, you're at your own risk on this one. You have your arm probably at whatever, a 15-degree angle, you're standing right next to the wall.

Sideways, okay? Is that perpendicular to the wall? I have no fucking idea. Just imagine the wall was your friend and the two of you went to a general admission concert and you got there early. Just imagine what the space would be between the two of you, the same shit, right?

That still doesn't make sense. It's perpendicular to the fucking thing, all right? So you reach out, you touch the wall, all right? Your arm's at a 15-degree angle and then you just slowly start walking it up. And obviously, as it gets more straight, you're going to have to move your body further away from the wall. And you just walk it up with your fingers.

So it's basically, it's the weight of your arm, but your fingers are taken away most of the weight and walk it all the fucking way up until it's like, you know the answer in a classroom and you're so excited and you're straight up. And then you walk it back down. You do a set of three to five and I've been doing it twice a day

and my fucking shoulder's amazing. And then I ice it afterwards. And it feels fucking amazing. I actually sat down and played a little drums today. It was fucking phenomenal and, I don't know, maybe somebody can explain it a little bit better. Maybe there's a YouTube video of it. I don't know.

So anyways, that's what I've been doing and I feel great. And the guy who is basically keeping my dog for the rest of her life, so I know she'll be safe, was in town and he brought her by and I got to take her on a couple of hikes. We hung out and, you know, it's sort of like a shared custody thing.

I mean, he has her like 95% of the time, but I know she's safe. She looked great. And it's awesome. I don't know if it's good or bad for me to keep seeing her because it's always fucking unbelievably sad every time when I give her back. But as long as I know the next time I'm going to see her, then I kind of have hope or whatever.

I just keep jokingly saying that she went to college and this is like spring break, you know, she comes back in March or whatever, but it's, you know, what's great is I know she's okay. I know she's going to live out a full life and, you know, whenever that day comes when she's coming down to the end of it,

I'm going to be there because I always, I kind of made a promise, you know, you know, when you get a dog, that's like, you know, that's it. Like how much you love a dog? It's like, dude, I'm there until the end. And, you know, even though the way it worked out

with having a kid and everything, the main point of the whole thing was that she survived and she had a great life. She's got this, you know, she's living in a great house now in Arizona and all that type of shit. And it just means I'll play Arizona more. And the person who owns it makes frequent treats,

trips out here, always drives out. And I think he'll always bring her because he knows that we love her. And Nia got to see her and everything. She came back over the house, was hanging out. And, you know, she met, it smelled like us. So she was cool, but it really was never,

oh my God, I just said a fucking name. I just uttered a name. Anyways, and she just basically, you know, it was never about the kid. It was about everybody else that was going to be coming by. And it was going to be too crazy. And the dog was going to get even more protective. And, you know, I went through it with the whole trainer.

It was like, the dog's going to go to a whole another level. And I just knew something, something was going to happen. The craziness of having a kid. So we just, we made the right decision. Anyways, all right, where do we go from here? I'm going to edit that out, by the way. That's going to annoy you guys.

You said the name, you should have let me just fucking know. Too many weirdos out there. Too many weirdos. So anyways, what have I been up to? I've been watching a little bit of the match madness. As much as I can, you know, having the kiddo around.

I watched Duke, you know, win their first round. I don't know. I'm assuming they won the second round or I would have, I'm assuming that they're in the fucking sweet 16. My internet sucks right now. The internet is such a fucking, I went, I spent all this fucking money.

I was just like, dude, you give me fucking the internet that Jesus would have. And they said, all right, it's going to be nine million bucks. And I said, I'll write that fucking check. You fucking criminal. And they said, fine. And I had the best internet for about six months. And then slowly it just starts sucking again.

And what it is, is I think they just turned the juice up on your house. Whoever's paying the most for it. And then the next guy gets bumped back. And then he's like, hey, what the fuck happened to my good internet? Well, you know, we upgraded, but then he plays whoever pays more than me.

See, I haven't gone back to them in like two years. And now like I can't even get, I get internet in like two rooms of my house and the rest of it sucks. Let's see if I can look this up. March Madness. There we go. Here we go.

Here we go. CBS Sports. What's going on? Come on. This is like you're rooting for the slowest horse ever now. Come on. Load. Oh my God.

It worked. And it worked. March Madness. 2017 live tournament scores update, blah, blah, blah, blah. Where's the fucking bracket? Kansas is the team we expected. I love Kansas.

I love. I've always, I don't know why I've always loved Kansas. I like Duke. UCLA. It's fucking fun to see them just because they're such a legendary franchise. Syracuse exchange plan plans to extend boheim. I don't see.

I mean, how to watch Duke versus Carolina. What? The number two blue devils will take on numbers. They're on the number seven. Oh, South Carolina, not North Carolina. Oh, when the fuck are they doing that? I got to watch all the Duke games get, get taped. But next year, I think I'm going to add to my sports package.

And I want to watch as many of the Duke games in Kansas. I don't know why I've always loved Kansas. And Duke, I got into because I got a couple of friends that went there and then I went to a game and they treated us great. So like, wait, what? It's over. I got to call in coach K show. It's over.

Wait a second. Did they lose? End of the second half. What? The fucking game cogs beat them? No. 88 81. Get the fuck out of here.

No fucking way. No fucking way. Duke score. I just spelt scores. Duke score. No fucking way. They fucking lost. Jesus Christ.

South Carolina scored 65 fucking points in the second half. They scored 23 in the first half. Duke scored 30 and 51. Oh man. I mean, I knew that they didn't have the team this year, but shit, I thought they at least get to the sweet 16. Well, I hope that Jason Tatum guy doesn't be fucking one and done. I hope he comes back.

And I like that Luke Canard kid. You know, Grayson Allen, he had him coming off the bench really well. You'd think, you know, with all that shit, how he wanted to be hated. You'd think he'd be a, you'd think he pouted. He'd think he would pout, but he didn't. He was a fucking man about it. All right. Well, congratulations to South Carolina.

Jesus Christ. I know a lot of Duke haters out there loved listening to that in real time. Me discovering that they fucking lost. God damn it. All right. I'm Kansas. That's my team. Kansas, Jayhawks.

I respect all of them, man. I really don't like, you know, I come from a pro sports town. So I don't really have any sort of hatred for anybody. You know what I mean? I don't even hate the fucking North Carolina. I don't even fucking hate him. I don't hate NC state. I just like, I love how the tradition of all that, you know, I can sit back.

I just, I picked a fucking team so I can actually get involved in it, I guess. So anyways, I'll root for Kansas the rest of the way out. And I also like seeing UCLA do well. And of course, any, any fucking underdog, I was, I was watching Northwest and it sucked watching them loose. Did they, they lost them. They came back to against the Gonzaga who I'm so old to me. There's still the new kids in town, even though they've been crushing it for almost fucking two decades at this point. Anyways, let's get back to the podcast.

Let's get back to maybe something build that you sort of know about. How about that? So anyways, I was listening to all this fucking old rock and roll shit, you know. And of course, if you listen to all that shit, you're eventually going to run into Buddy Holly. And I was in that Peggy suit. And I always loved the drums on that. And I never knew what the fuck the guy was doing. I guess he was just playing paradiddles.

That guy Jerry Allison. I just love the way he plays on that fucking song. He's just playing paradiddles around the kid. He's got the snares off. And I love about wherever the music's going. If it's, you know, just playing those basic, was it two chords? I don't know shit about guitar. The brighter chord, he's up on the higher note or whatever.

He's on the higher tom. And then he goes to the floor tom. Then occasion comes back to the snare. It's just a fucking beautiful piece of music, you know. And I'm learning this shit right now with my drum teacher about how to finally get my paradiddles and shit and playing singles and doubles going in and out, getting them up to speed while being totally relaxed and letting the stick do the work. And it's the hardest motherfucking thing in the world

because you already can play it up to a certain speed. Just your own fucked up technique way to just say fuck all of that and drop like a hundred BPMs, you know. And start all over again is a bitch. But if you stick with it, it gets, I'm not going to lie to you, it gets pretty fucking exciting where all of a sudden it's just like, wow, I don't even feel like I'm exerting any effort whatsoever. And I'm like three quarters up to what used to be my full speed.

I don't know, it's exciting shit. So by the way, you know, now that I got the kiddo, my lovely daughter, who every time I think I can't, I'm not going to like, you don't think the loves can go any further. They develop more and more of their personality comes out. You're like, oh my God, she does that and it just goes to a whole level. Like now she's smiling like you can't believe. And the other day I was sitting there.

I was with her and diapers clean. She's got a full belly. I'm holding her. I'm doing all this shit that usually stops her from crying and she's just being cranky and crying. I was just like, what the fuck could this possibly be? My favorite part about being a parent right now is trying to figure out the, the riddle, like what's going on with her.

And you know what I figured out for all you guys with newborns, you know, that are starting to develop out there. You know what I figured out? I was like, she's fucking bored. I'm doing the same shit. And this shit was interesting for about a week to 10 days. And now she's over it because she's hit a new level of consciousness. You know, she can see a little bit better, whatever, hear a little bit better.

She's starting to understand all those on my feet. You know, she needs something else. So, you know, we do like this tummy time thing, trying to get her to pick up her head and learn how to crawl and stuff. So I brought her over to the little pad thing. And it's this little thing that's got like, you know, these little rattles and shit hanging down from it. I just turned her over onto her back and I had her look at those things.

And she just looked up and was completely enamored with them. And like, that's the new thing. Now I put her on her back when she looks at him. She smiles at him like they're her friends. And this is the greatest thing ever because up until now, I've had to carry around like a kettlebell everywhere I went and was, you know, messing with my shoulder and shit. But you know, you love your kids.

So you're like, fuck the shoulder. The shoulder comes a distant, you know, 20th in this race, you know, the first 19 spots of my daughter, right? So now what's great is I can just bring that tummy time thing into where I'm watching sports. I put her on her back. She's looking at the fucking her friends hanging and I can sit on the couch and keep that thing moving with my bass drum foot, right?

As I'm watching, as I'm watching the games, it's like the greatest thing ever. I watched like a whole first half of Northwestern Gonzaga. I just sitting there doing that movement. It's the greatest thing ever. So if you got a kid that's crying out there and the diapers clean and they're full and all that, maybe they're just bored, try something new, some new stimulus.

Oh, that was so psyched. It's such a luxury to not have to be holding her every five seconds. You know what I mean? Because they're like these little fucking kettlebells and they're hot as hell. They're like this hot water bottle. You know, they're getting all hot. You're getting all fuck.

It's just awful. It's like you're stuck in a crowded elevator. Yeah, I feel like I'm going through menopause. It's like the fucking hot flashes here. Hot flashes. Anyways, so let's do a little bit of... Let me read some of the advertising here, everybody. The advertiser.

What am I doing? Did I just open the maps? Why would I do that? All right. Oh, dirty lemon. You know, I finally tried some of this stuff. It takes a second. It kind of takes like shit a little bit with a little of the lemon

because it's got the fucking charcoal in there. But one should drink it. You know, it's all right. But it also says on the side of the bottle, it's not been tested or approved by the Food and Drug Administration. So I was kind of like, what the fuck am I putting in my body to be honest with you? But you know, here's their advertising.

Just being honest. Dirty lemon, everybody. Evidently, I've been seeing these striped dirty lemon bottles everywhere. I haven't. And now I have them in my fridge. I do. Dirty lemon is a functional beverage brand with products that optimize various areas of your life,

like vitamin water, but without the added colors slash sugar. Plus the products actually work. Well, maybe that's why it tastes like shit. They took the sugar out of it. There are three types now. Sleep detox, skin plus hair. Jesus, I need the last one.

Like a fucking, I needed this 10 years ago. And each one contains the juice of one lemon, no sugar, is blended with functional ingredients that actually work. Their sleep drink, for example, includes magnesium, rose water, chamomile, and passion flower. All which help. No wonder it tastes like shit. I'm drinking flowers here,

which helps you fall asleep fast and stay asleep through the night. Evidently, I drank one the other night before bed and had crazy dreams. Talk about the dreams. Dude, these guys are weird. I didn't drink this shit. I don't want to drink something that makes me have crazy dreams. You know that I'm going to have a crazy fucking dream. And the detox is secretly, is a secretly great hangover cure.

Drink a bottle and the activated charcoal absorbs toxins in your body great after a long night out. All right. No shit. I could have used that. I should have drank that today. You know, I know I said I was going to stop boozing, but I got a problem.

So I drank the other night, but I cut the booze way down. Way to fuck down. You know what I mean? Like when you're phasing somebody out of your life, but they're kind of a psycho, you can't do it abruptly. You got to kind of a sort of waltz them over to somebody else.

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Well, if they're not in stores, how the fuck am I seeing them everywhere? Oh, Jesus. When you text them, mention you've heard about them on my podcast, and they'll throw in an extra case of the sleep drink for free with your first order. 12 bottles for the price of six. For more info, check out dirty lemon.com.

Dirty LEMON.com and text them. Bill Burr sent you to claim your special offer. All right. Oh shit. Oh shit. Me on D's. Me on D's. I'm wearing them right fucking now.

Me on D's. Me on D's. I added donut. Now I'm a cow. My fucking man tits hang lower than my balls. I got saggy thighs, and that's not all, but my balls are safe and they're nice in company with this fucking polka dot print here. I got black and white polka dot print right now.

This is, you know, you know what it reminded me of? It reminded me, it's one of the jerseys that, when you win a stage in the Tour de France. Tour de France. Tour de France. Jersey color meaning. Here we go. Let's see, what is the polka dot?

Is that the fast one? What is the yellow? The yellow is your little leader. Oh for Christ's sake. What do the different jerseys mean? What do they mean? This is still part of the advertising. Just fucking hang in there.

All right. The different Tour de France jerseys. You know what? Thanks for nothing, you cunts. What is this? Clickbait? Oh, it's the Christian Science Monitor. I got to learn about Jesus to find out what that means.

All right. Tour de France jerseys. It's still the same page. Cycling jersey. Okay. All right. Where's the polka dot one? Oh, it's red polka dot.

What does that one mean? Red polka dot jersey means. Oh, you went up the mountain. You the fastest motherfucker on the mountain. All right. Well, you know, there you go. Well, that's what that means. Anyways, elevate your underwear game to the next level with me, undies.

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I don't know. I vote for that funniest porn out there. Is that a subset of comedy? Funny as porn? I would say that. And then those ones where the girls like make the choking sound on the dick, you know, if the guy's banging her and he's just going like, there's no way. There's no way to not just burst out laughing.

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Everybody. Do you still go to the post office? Oh my God. That's so 2012. You know something? I use stamps.com anytime I'm selling posters and I need to whore myself out at the end of the fucking show. I want to shake some sweaty hands.

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you know, I'm always on the practice pads here and I miss playing drums and I'm learning all this cool shit. And you know the deal, man. I'd love to get those fucking V drums. It'd be nice if they hooked me up with the free one and I could talk to my listeners about how awesome they were. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge. Give me the fucking drums.

But you know, playing on a real kit, that's the real deal. You know, I love those electronic kits, but the end of the day, they make you sound fucking amazing. You're like, am I the next John Bonham? I think I am. And then you get behind a real kid. You're like, oh, wait a minute. I suck.

All right. Donut shop while in San Jose. Hey Bill, I know you've been in San Jose. I know you'll be here coming up and I think I know of a spot that's totally your style. It's called Stan's Donuts. I know you're cutting the carbs and shit, but goddamn, is it worth the extra elliptical time? It's an old school donut shop that's been around for decades and hasn't changed a bit.

None of that crazy soy based gluten free pomegranate fritter with cruelty free bacon bullshit. Just the classics, chocolate, maybe an old fashioned or jelly filled. You fucking asshole. I'm trying to lose weight. Don't tell me about this place, but holy shit. The only one you need from Stan's is the plain glazed donut. I'm going to be there with Dean Delray. Oh, he's off sugar.

So he won't do it. They will give you a glazed donut. So fresh it might burn your mouth if you aren't careful. And you can see them pulling them out of their fryer just behind the counter. Can't beat it, dude. My mom used to take me here before school when I was really little and I came back for the first time in like 15 years the other day and it's even better than I remembered. Well, you got a little child sense memory going on there.

Oh my God, dude. Why are you doing this to me? Immediately thought of you and that you'd like the old school feel of the place. It's like five minutes from the San Jose improv. Make it happen. Do it for Stan. Oh God. Well, I can tell you that's definitely happening.

Well, you know what? I'm going to do a tour of San Jose, one of my city tours. We're definitely, I'm going to fucking go there. I'm going to end there eating a fucking donut. Well, maybe I'll start there just hating myself. All right, Redskins. Redskins. I'm sitting here listening to your podcast on the fast month past Monday and I'm thinking

about the Redskins. Keep the name, change the mascot, change the mascot to a potato. That's fucking hilarious. But that's not intimidating. You know what I mean? The Redskins. Then of course the nickname would be the hash browns. But you know what?

You know, hash browns are delicious. That's fucking hilarious. I want, you know, something that's actually fucking brilliant. So you still call them the Redskins. You change the mascot, the mascot to a fucking potato. You know something that's one of the most brilliant fucking ideas I think that's ever been fucking sent in. God knows I've never said anything better than that. That's fucking brilliant.

Change it to a fucking potato. But then what do you have on the side of your helmet? Then you know what you do? You just go back to the old logo with the R on the side. And the feather hanging off is the red skin like you peel the potato. You know the thing when people like they peel and they go all the way around in a circle? It could be like that. Great idea.

Right there. That's a funny motherfucker. I hope you're very successful in life. Thank you for the, that's fucking, I didn't ever think of that. I'm slipping as a comedian. All right. The Great Barrier Reef. By the way, did you hear Netflix is going to switch from the stars from five stars to thumbs up, thumbs down?

I don't know. Why would you do that? You know, because I give, you know, if it's just thumbs up, thumbs down, it's just such a wide peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Thumbs up. Gourmet meal on the French Riviera. Watching the fucking, from a yacht, watching the fucking, the end of a Formula One race in Monaco. Thumbs up. The Godfather.

Thumbs up. Meatballs. Thumbs up. You know what I mean? Drinking orange juice after brushing your teeth. Thumbs down. Adolf Hitler. Thumbs down.

I guess because they get the fucking ratings, it doesn't matter. But I mean, I like it. I like it. It lets me know. You know, like, okay, people like this. How much do they like this? I don't know. Three stooges.

Thumbs up. Schindler's List. Thumbs up. I mean, it's just a, what, what, what, does anything mean anything after that? All right. Great Barrier Reef. Hey Billy boy. Huge fan of the show.

Thank you. Remember you were talking about the Great Barrier Reef a couple of weeks or months ago? Not, not really sure anymore. Too much weed, man. Anyway, I saw this on the front page of the New York Times and thought you would enjoy shitting on Australia some more. I don't like shitting on Australia. I was just shitting on that guy.

It basically says that huge sections of the Great Barrier Reef that stretch across hundreds of miles were recently found dead and they were killed by overheated salt water. I know this is coming from a liberal paper, but I think it's pretty clear evidence there is significant global warming. Anyway, you fat, Ebola-ridden piece of shit. Love the podcast and keep on keeping on. Yeah, I got to be honest with you. I don't watch, I don't read up on a lot of the environmental stuff because it's too fucking depressing.

I love animals, man. I love the earth, man. I don't want to see fucking, see life dying and all that shit. I don't know. I don't know what this is. There's just too many of us. It's just like, I think a plague is coming or I actually think that the robots will be in control of the upper one percenters and they will gradually take all of us out.

And then what it will be will each one of those Illuminati guys will have their own robot with all the answers. I mean, it's a fucking, it can play guitar like Jimi Hendrix. It can design the most beautiful architecture. It's the greatest farmer. It's just whatever you need it to fucking do, it can do. So you'll never go hungry. You'll always be entertained.

And on top of that, it'll be the best looking chick you've ever seen in life and you can fuck its brains out. I mean, right there, if that's not going to be the extinction of all the regular people like myself, I think that that's what's going to happen. And then the earth will gradually cool with all of our deaths. The Great Barrier Reef will come back and the upper one percent will have what they always wanted, complete control. But I actually think they'll get bored after a while.

You know, there's nobody to oppress. There's nobody to look down on. You know, that's actually a fascinating fucking movie. Wouldn't it be like there's just no more challenge, right? And those robots know how to like, you know, they can like grow an ear and a Petri dish. Eventually they'll be able to grow all vitals. You know what I mean? And then you can just live forever.

What would you do? What would you do? There's a reason why you die. You just run out of shit. What the fuck would you do? I would just keep learning shit. It's like, all right, for the next 80, like every 80 years, you just pick being something. All right, this 80 years, I'm going to be a gearhead.

I'm going to learn how to take a whole fucking car apart, put it back together, make it fast, fast and loud. I'll just learn how to do that shit. I'll have the robot right here. It knows everything. It'll fucking teach me how to do it. And then once I get it down, you know, and I do that for a while, you know, fucking learn every instrument, learn every language, you eventually just going to run out of shit to do.

And you just be looking at your robot just going like, dude, I know this is fucking nuts. I know we've been together now, sweetheart, for fucking 800 years. But could you do me a favor? Do you want me to kick you in the balls? No, sweetheart, I don't. It'd be funny if they, even though it looked totally looked real. And totally felt like a real person, but they could never perfect the voice. So it's still fucking talk like that.

You are the best I've ever had. Just like, bitch, stop talking. You're killing it for me. You'd have to just say to the fucking thing, look, 800 years. Okay. I'm coming up on 800 years. All right. I've lived more years than Hank Aaron hit home runs.

Could you do me a favor on my 800th birthday? I know what I want. Okay. Could you just choke me to death please? No, not compute, you know, and you just, they won't kill you. And then your fucking, your punishment is that you live forever. You know, you kind of like a vampire at that point, because you can kind of seduce any woman you want, because they're all going to be, you know, you just going to get, you know what I bet after a while,

if you live long enough, you just start banging, you'd have, you'd make like ugly chick robots. And you just bang them cause you was so sick of banging tents. I mean, it's a fucking, it's a hell of a goddamn, I don't think human beings can survive on that. Just, you just think of all the shit that's going to happen. All right. Female comedians. What the fuck is this? I didn't know this was coming up.

All right. Hey, baby daddy Billy boy, emailing from Dublin. A big fan of the podcast is standup. I've been watching a lot of standup specials over the last month. Recently I'm making a concentrated effort to watch female comedians because all the comedians I'm a fan of are men. Unfortunately, I've struggled to find many who meet the mark. I just watched so and so's Netflix special, which was hilarious. Okay.

Then I'm going to say the name Kathleen Madigan. Yeah. She's the fucking real deal. She's a total hot shit. I love her. She's been fucking crushing it since, since I started. English comedian Joe Brand was also excellent. Although I don't know if she's, she's still active beyond all the others I've seen.

All the other have been shit in my opinion. My issue with this disparity is that I don't think men are funnier than women in general. The women in my life, like my girlfriend, my sister and friends are just as funny as my guy friends. In your experience, would you find male comedians funnier like myself? If so, why do you believe this is the case? Could it be the fact that the industry is so male heavy? Are women comedians trying too hard to emulate their male counterparts? These are all questions I can't answer.

I don't fuck it. I don't know what the deal is. And it's all your opinion. Maybe I'm just an ignorant prick, but I feel like there's a female perspective in comedy that would speak to me that isn't met by the better known female comedians. Either way, thanks for the laughs. Congrats to you and the lovely Nia on the little baby bird. Go fuck yourself. I don't know, dude.

It's like, you know, you know what it is. I just think it's like bands. You're into a certain style of music and the other shit doesn't speak to you. So you don't, you don't go to that. But every once in a while there's a band, you know, oh fuck, I didn't think I like country music. I like this country music. I just think, uh, I don't know what the deal is. I don't know why there's so much of that fucking talk.

My, my shit is this. Okay. If you're fucking funny, you're funny. If you're not funny, you're not funny. Okay. And it's not the crowd's fault. It's not this. It's not the fucking Martians.

It's you're not funny. And one of the things I found with people, male and female who aren't funny is they fucking got every goddamn excuse in the book. And I just want to say, Hey, just go on stage and fucking kill and all your problems will be solved. Go on stage and fucking kill. That's what it was. You know, that's what it's always been. If you do that, all of these fucking issues that everybody, oh, there's this over here. There's that over here.

There's a fucking liberal bias. There's all of this. It's all fucking bullshit. If you go on stage and you fucking kill, you're going to get work. That's it. That's it. So I don't, I don't know, whatever. I'm so fucking sick of all, all of that.

Uh, you know, are women funny or blah, blah, blah, and to just lump everybody into a group. I is more just ask me, do you, do you think Kathleen Madigan's funny? Just ask me that in that email. I think she's fucking hilarious. I love her delivery. And you know, I love about her. She can just stand there and be funny. I got to jump around screaming yell, act shit out.

She can just stand there and fucking murder for an hour. And you know, what's great too is you meet her and she's totally down to earth and she's fucking awesome. So there you go. That's the positive way of me getting out of that type of shit. Cause I'm not walking into that. Like, why the fuck do you think I would answer any of that shit? You know what I mean? Look, what, what business are you in?

Okay. Why don't you shit on some people in your fucking, your fucking arena? I don't want to do that. It's cannibalistic. Um, oh my God, I mean, there's, there's so many fun. Do I got to like name funny female comics for you? Is that what I got to fucking do now? I got to do your fucking homework.

All right. Feeling in love with my best, uh, with my lesbian best friend. Hey, Billy dad bought. Oh Jesus. You're so fucking right. I'm a huge fan of all your shit. Why are you calling it shit? I'm an artist.

I loved your new special. I need some advice. I'm a young guy and I haven't even tried to get into a relationship in a few years because my last one turned into a fucking nightmare. Anyways, over the past year, I've been hanging out with this lesbian and we've grown close. Oh Jesus, dude, this is going to, this is the ultimate. This is the ultimate just cold case file. Dude, you're chasing, you're chasing leads that aren't even there. She's amazing and my best friend.

The problem is I find myself growing more and more attracted to her by the day. We've talked about having a threesome, which makes me think she might want to fuck me, but doesn't want to admit it to herself. Oh, strike everything that I just said, dude, you, you have fucking walked into paradise. I am happy for you, my friend. God bless you. God fucking bless you. I hope this fucking turns out the way I think it's going to. I'm so you just made the rest of my day that someone's in this situation right now.

Lately she's been trying to get me a girlfriend probably so this sexual tension can be redirected. What the fuck do I do, Bill? Please help me and go fuck yourself. What do I do? Dude, I've never been in this situation. I'm living vicariously through you. What do you do? Don't fuck it up.

Dude, okay, wait a minute. Who's been in this situation and don't fucking lie to me sending what this guy can do so he doesn't fuck this up. Oh, dude, God fucking bless you. What do you do? Oh, Jesus. Well, okay, what the fuck would I do? I don't know, man. You know what I would do?

I'd go out drinking with her, right? And I would fucking, all right, pick somebody out. Who do you like? You go up, you strike a conversation. You know what I mean? Maybe she strikes up the conversation. The other lady keeps her defensive shield down. Okay, this is what you do, dude.

You get into great fucking shape, okay? You got to help out your lesbian girlfriend, okay? You get yourself a new fucking wardrobe. You got to look right when you're going out. You put on a pair of fucking meyundies, okay? You eat blue apron for a goddamn month. You shed some fucking pounds. You put on some meyundies.

You dress fucking right, okay? Give your lesbian friends something to work with. Are there any lesbians listening to this fucking podcast? How does this go down? Hey, Nia! Fuck. Maybe she knows. Hang on a second.

Let me hit pause. You know what I realized? You know what I realized? She's going to come in here, hold on to my daughter, and we can't talk about this shit when she's here. All right? Well, I'm going to have to put this. This one I can't do, okay?

And I always say, Oh, is this fucking podcast she's never going to be on again? No. My daughter's developing. Eventually she'll be playing with toys. She can sneak in here and she can answer some goddamn questions. All right? There you go.

Or, I don't know how to do it. Anyways, dude, just, I don't know what to tell you, dude. I'm so fucking excited. I can't even think straight right now. God bless you. I hope this fucking works out, man. And I want to hear the fucking story. Okay, lately she's been trying to get me a girlfriend

probably so this sexual tension can be redirected. Yeah. You know, so basically every once in a while, she doesn't mind banging a guy as long as this, you know what it's like? It's like you're going out to a restaurant, right? She's going to order one thing. You're going to order the other thing,

but she's going to take a couple of fucking, you know, a couple of spoonfuls off of your plate. That's what's going to happen here. Oh my God. This is fucking tremendous. Fucking tremendous. God bless you, dude. I have no advice.

I've never been in that situation. It's tremendous. All right? Good luck to you. All right, everybody, go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you on Thursday and I'll check in on you on Thursday and thank you to everybody. My show is sold out in San Jose.

I'm doing two Monday, two Tuesday, two Wednesday. I'm working with the great Dean Del Rey. We're going to fucking kill it when we're up there. And also I need to hype this show I have coming up. I'm doing a fucking, we'll send the link out on March. What the fuck? I'm doing this MS benefit and they're honoring Richard Pryor. And it's on March 25th, 7pm out here in Los Angeles.

I'll put up the link for tickets and all that. I believe we just tweeted it out. I'm going to be co-hosting with Craig Gast. There's going to be all these amazing musicians there. It's going to be a great night for a great cause. I hope you guys can make it down. That's a Saturday night. Come on, come on down.

There's a fucking taco truck down there. It's going to be a great time. All right? So fuck yourselves out. Check in on you on Thursday.