Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 3-21-16

Episode Date: March 21, 2016

Bill rambles about Andrew Jackson, douche bags and clam on clam violence.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday Match 21st 2016. What's going on? How are you? This wonderful gloomy Monday where I'm at. It's gloomy out here. Chance of fucking showers. Which would be great, you know, because how it works out here in Los Angeles is we basically every three years we get all of our rain for three years. Essentially, that is how it works. And I know a lot of people think like, oh my God, that must be so wonderful. You know, you just wake up every day knowing the sun's gonna shine. It fucking drives you crazy after a while. Fortunately, I travel enough. I get on the road again, meeting Trump fans and some voting for that old guy. What the fuck's Bernie Sanders? He wants to take all

the money from the fucking rich and give it to the poor and Donald Trump he doesn't like Mexicans. And Hillary's gonna drive right between those two fucking lunatics. Oh, good Lord. Jesus fucking Christ. I haven't been watching, but I know that that's what's gonna happen. And all you broads out there who are fucking excited to finally get a fucking clam into the fucking Oval Office. Okay, this I understand. I don't understand. I'm not a fucking woman. I don't know what it's like to walk by a construction site and have a bunch of people communicate that they find me sexually attractive. You know, you know, there is a positive way to look at that. If you take away all the sexual assault vibe from it. It's kind of a, you know, a nice tip of the

construction cat, you know, I don't walk by and they go, Hey, you funny motherfucker, I get not I get nothing. I get silence. I get Snickers. Hey, fucking Casper, right? I get I may make fun of my lack of Mella is Melatonin pigment. Melatonin isn't that fucking. I forget if that's a fruit and that's not the skin cancer. Don't you need Melatonin? Oh, Jesus, who gives a fuck? I'm just saying, right? Just because somebody has a vagina doesn't mean because you also have a vagina that they are going to do what's right for you. Think about all the presidents that have had dicks which as far as I know has been all of them, but you never know. You never know. You never know back in the day. There were no cell phone pictures, right? There was no video cameras. You had no

idea. You know, I, you know, Andrew Jackson, he could have been like, you know, he looks like one of those broads on fucking the fuck's the name of that show, the golden girls. He looked like one of the golden girls, sort of their hip or younger one. You know, he really had that middle of the ground, you know, that is it a chick? Is it a dude, Roger Daltrey, early 80s haircut? You know, except it was a powdered wig over there. Yeah. I mean, I'm just saying, just because somebody has the same fucking thing as you does not mean that they're going to do what's good for you or that you're now going to get more stuff. Like, look, she's in the White House. Doesn't that mean I get a corner office? No, it doesn't. Fuck, do you have to deal with her?

I got to admit, yeah, if I see a redhead achieve something, I don't feel excited like, oh, it's only a matter of time before that comes around my way. And I know what you're thinking. Oh, well, Bill, it's not like redheads are a minority. Yes, we are an unseen minority. I told you, walking amongst you, listening in on your conversation, reading your emails. We're here, man, we're from another put from fucking Mars, the red planet. That's where we came from. We came here, right? We looked just like you guys. But then we fucked up when we ended the atmosphere, right? We got a little fucking singed up there and burned our pubes. Oh my god, it's a fucking gloomy day. It is a good goddamn gloomy day. I hope the fucking the goddamn clouds part.

Anyways, old old freckles is looking for a new car. I'm looking for a new car, baby, a new car. And I gotta admit, I actually feel like I'm, you know, like leaving the Prius behind, you know, I've had I had almost eight years with the thing runs like a fucking top. I don't know. I just want to get something new. I got a buddy who might buy it. I don't know. I'm a frugal son of a bitch. I'm probably just going to go look but you know, it's a good a good time to look for a fucking car is on a rainy day. You know, all those fucking toolshed fucking salesman. They are the worst. The cars, cars salesmen are the lowest of the low of fucking salespeople. And you know, it's funny. They know it. They wouldn't even lie about it. They know what the fuck they do. I mean,

they had like one rung below a drug dealer, at least with drugs, you know, you get some sort of a high. Well, I guess when you buy a car, you do, you know, I don't fucking they they are just like, I don't know. The great thing is, is I really don't need a car. So I'm in a great negotiating negotiable negotiator negotiator position. I was going to walk over and be like, yeah, I like that. And this is what I'm going to pay. And so go discuss it with your manager and come back and come back with that number or something less or I'm just going to get in my car. You trade that in. Nope. I could sell it to my buddy or I can just drive across the street, not take on all this fucking debt and just go get myself a ham sandwich. Huh? What do you say they're stupid

tie? Go talk to your manager. I always talk a good game and then I go in there and I get fucked because at the end of the day, I just I don't want to be there. And it's just I don't give a shit if it costs me a few grand more. It's like how much more do I have to pay to get you to shut the fuck up and they know it. You know what I mean? You have a women talk about how guys just wear them down sometimes and they just they just sort of blow them to shut them up and just get them on their way. That's what car salesman do to me. No, they don't blow me. They they just fought. They do wear me down though. They fucking wear me down and I'm just like, yeah, you know, I don't okay. I remember when I bought my Prius, I was just like, I went in, I said,

listen, I'm paying this and that's it. And then they go, well, we're not giving you it for that. It's a hot car. We sell like three a day. And I'm like, well, then I'm leaving. And then they go, all right. And then I went, all right, I'll pay what you want me to. I am the fucking worst. I want all you salesmen to know that a sucker just went through the dough. That's going to be me getting about fucking two hours. All right, where the hell am I? What am I talking? Oh, you know what? I'm actually really enjoying I actually had a cigar I told you for the first time and I gotta admit, I kind of didn't. I liked it. I liked it at it. But there was way more. I don't like this shitty taste in my fucking mouth the next day than there was

that I enjoyed that. And I am on the precipice of just straight up quitting those fucking things, which would make me feel really good to be honest with you. Like I said, if I keep smoking these things this summer, I'm a four year smoker, something I never thought I'd be. Now I'm not going to start crying right now like some broad that just won an award pretending to be a nurse on you know, some fucking show. You like me? You really like me? I don't need that shit in my life, although I gotta admit I do enjoy them. I think I remember that I enjoyed the last one I had. I liked it, but I didn't afterwards I was like, well, Jesus Christ, this fucking taste in my mouth. So do you guys consider me a smoker? If I smoked one New Year's Day, the Super Bowl,

my birthday, and then on one of those Jewish holidays in September, I needed four. I was thinking like once every three months, what the fuck? Okay, my birthday is June. So I come out of the gate, right? Boom! January 1st, I smoke one, and then February 3rd is the Super Bowl. And then it's nothing in March, nothing in April, nothing in May, and then in June for my birthday, bam, I smoke one. And then, I don't know, maybe that big college game I go to every year. You know? I don't know. I have no idea. I think, you know, oh, I remember what the fuck I was going to tell you guys. Remember I was telling you last time? There was something I wanted to tell you,

but I couldn't remember what it was. I tried to make gnocchi the other night. Did I tell you that gnocchi? How the fuck you say it? What a goddamn fucking disaster. Fucking disaster. You know what? This is basically, it just tasted like, you know, just imagine what cookie dough would taste like, minus everything that makes it taste good. It was just blobs of shit. Blobs of flour. What happened was, I was, I went on the internet and I was watching these fucking chefs make this shit. And what they do is when they go to mix it, they fast forward through it, or they just jump cut because they feel that it's boring, and that no one's going to watch the rest of it. And that right there, that's the key. Right there. It's like they open the playbook, and then they just go,

they fan through every fucking page. And then they're like, and that's the game plan for the, that we're going to run this season. Any questions? On two, on two, ready, break, right? And you're like, what the fuck just happened? So I believe they got me so fucking paranoid. I watched this Mario Batali one where he had his friend do it. And, you know, he's going to show you how to make gnocchi. You just look at Mario Batali, fucking blah, blah, blah, you'll see the thing. They fly through him mixing the shit. And, but the big thing they kept saying was, is don't over mix it, don't over mix it, you're going to get a tough pasta, yada, yada, yada, yada, yada, yada and all that shit. And these fucking assholes, they just, they blew right through it. And then I

under mixed it. I forgot, now I'm starting to feel like I already told you this one. Yeah, I told you this, right? Nia said you shouldn't make pasta anymore. You know, there you go. There's my supportive wife. I swear to God. Do you ever wonder why the woman that loves you is always shitting on everything that you do? You know, not everything you do, but anything new you're trying. They fucking shit all over you. You know what I think that is? I think that that's just some sort of fucking paranoia within a relationship. Maybe guys do it too. I never dated a guy, you know, you know, I think I'm going to try this summer. Do you guys still like me if I dated a guy for like three fucking months?

You know, what if I dated like my doppelganger? I'm trying to get the most fucked up image you could possibly see to me. I'll date that guy from fucking, we're all wacky in the house over here, whatever the fuck the name of that show is, you know, oh, look at you. You're, you're fucking, I'm from Malaysia. Oh, look at me. I like show tunes. Hey, I'm the old school guy from fucking the Korean War, right? Am I describing my cartoon? I can't remember. Anyways, the fuck was I just talking about? Oh, god damn it. My fucking brain just goes in one straight line and you just got to keep going. I got to keep going. If I come back around again, it's just like I don't even know where the fuck I was at. Back up, back up. It was before dating a guy for

three months, but it was after gloomy, gloomy fucking weather. So after the car, crooked car salesman, come on, Bill, you're coming around the mountain, you're coming around the mountain. We're going up and down, Lou. Remember that Mary Tyler Moore one when Lou Grant had a great fucking idea and he, he just forgot about it as, ah, man, I had the best idea. And Mary Tyler Moore is trying to get him to remember it. She goes, okay, okay, you're in the elevator. You're in the elevator. You're coming up, you're coming up and he's going, yeah, yeah, yeah, I was in the elevator. She goes, yeah, you know, you press the floor, you're coming up, you're in the elevator and you would think right as he almost gets it, Ted Baxter just leans in and he goes,

well, you're going up or down, Lou. Oh, speaking of that shit, you know what I watched the other day? I watched an episode of Gilligan's Island, the ones that were in black and white instead of watching March Madness because I don't like the first couple of rounds. I know there's all those upsets, but I don't like watching fucking Bunker Hill Community College playing Duke. I know every once in a while they get beat and I guess there was a bunch of fucking upsets. You know, I know that one fucking that, that, uh, that Austin, Austin city limits college with that fucking, I couldn't tell if he was a lumberjack or a hipster, that fucking jacked white dude with the psycho beard man and the Hitler youth haircut. I was like, that guy needs

to one more win and then the other team fucking tipped it in and they lost right at the fucking buzzer. But, um, I was thinking that guy needs to get to one more round and he is going to be, uh, he's going to be famous. You know, I just seemed that because I was looking like I, uh, I remember who he is and I assumed if I remember, then everybody else is going to remember because, you know, why wouldn't the whole world think the way I think? Well, shit, maybe I should run for president. I think when you have thoughts like that, that means that you're, you're designed to be a world leader. I have great ideas and I think everybody, why wouldn't everybody like my ideas and everybody should think the way I think and everybody will be good if I'm running stuff.

You know, and everybody will get the same amount of stuff, except I'll get a little bit more and buy a little bit more. I mean, a bunch of hoes, a bunch of doughs. It's something else about my toes. Um, well, you know what? I can't remember what the fuck I was talking about. I did start talking about basketball, but you know, something they actually have in a little bit of much madness. The madness of March is coming down to, uh, Anaheim and, um, I heard the, uh, the Duke guys, the Duke boys, tell them Duke boys, we come right back. Um, I'm coming to Anaheim at the Honda. I think I'm going to go to that. You know, who's getting who? I got two huge fucking shows coming up this weekend. One in Riverside and the other one at the terrace theater in Long

Beach, California, which is really no big deal. It's just a beautiful theater that Richard prior, taped his first big special in. That's all. I'll just be standing on the same stage. No reason to prepare or be nervous for that one. I'm freaking out about that one. I'm not going to lie to you guys. I just feel like, uh, I'm already putting all this pressure on myself that if I don't have the fucking, um, my show of shows that, uh, I don't know, the comedy gods are going to be like, uh, there's these comedians nowadays, you know, they're all selling a bunch of fucking tickets, but then they, they stink. They're not the real deal. Um, um, but anyways, uh, I'm thinking if I, if I go out tonight, tomorrow and Wednesday, right?

Do a couple, two, three. Okay. And then Thursday, right? I hit the Duke game, then on fucking, uh, Friday, I got my show and Saturday, I got my show and just knocked those out. I feel like I'll be all right. I feel like I can take one fucking day off, you know? Am I nuts? Am I nuts? Because I didn't last night. This is the thing. I stopped smoking cigars. So you know what happens when you quit a bad habit? Something else fucking goes through the goddamn roof. You know what I mean? It's like, if you quit smoking, you start eating, right? You stop boozing. You start shooting smack, right? You say, I'm going to start cleaning up around the house. Next thing you know, you're beating your wife. And you know why it's because nobody is perfect.

You ever go to a fucking AA meeting? They're all in their fucking chain smoking and fucking shoving donuts down their throat. They're still killing themselves. They just slid it over to something else. That's basically, um, the most fascinating people I find is, is the people that are just 100 percent straight edge and they eat like a micro macro biotic, microbiota, whatever the fuck it is, macro biotic diet. I'm going to say macro. You say macro, I say micro. Beepadapadoopoo. Those fucking people, but you know what it is? And they don't do anything. Okay. They fucking, you know, they drink fucking, you know, pure, the most purified fucking water out of a unicorn's horn or some shit, right? Just the most, the most fucking cleanest living ever. But you know what?

They probably killed themselves with the stress of knowing they're still going to die, you know? How do you think you treat yourself when you really think about it? I think I treat myself like, I wouldn't say the way I treat a rental car. I treat a rental car pretty good. I don't beat the shit out of it. When I was younger, I used to, it was just funny. They give you a car and you just, you know, remember neutral drops for some reason were considered fucking amazing, you know? You just have it in park. You would, oh no, you put it in neutral. There you go, Bill. Neutral drop. And you would just floor it, get the RPMs up to about, oh, I don't know, seven, eight thousand. And then you would just slam it into fucking drive. And you just heard that horrific sound

of, I don't know what the fuck it is on an automatic transmission, you know, with the standard to be the clutch hitting that fucking engaging and whatever the fucking engages in. I don't fucking know. Basically gears slamming into other gears. I can't believe the teeth just don't fly off on both sides. I imagine eventually they do, but we used to do shit like that. You know, you take the car off road. You could do a lot of shit back in the day before everybody had a fucking camera, you know? Oh, speaking of which, I got to tell you what I fucking saw. Oh, my God, I almost forgot to tell you this fucking story. Let me do a little advertising here first. Oh, look at that little teaser. Remind me to talk about the the fucking local

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Dude, I bought fucking underwear. I can't even buy it like and I just wear that shit till it's over. You know what I mean? I wear my underwear till all I got is just the band going around my waist. Looking like Chris Gatlin. Anyways, get the subscription blah, blah, blah, that's me on D's.com slash birth for 20% off your first order me on D's.com slash birth. All right, tracker, smart cats, smart phones, smart homes, technology has made everything smarter. Wicked. Oh my God, he's wicked fucking smart. But losing your stuff still makes smart people feel really stupid. I don't think it doesn't think it just makes them frustrated. I think he just wrote that because it sounded good with the copy. Hey, Bill, why don't you just read the rest of it? All right,

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Okay, so you guys ready for this little fucking safari thing? You know, it's doing real good with my fucking posture. Now I'm sitting on my lower back again. I need to sit up, sit up straight, take, take goddamn charge of the fucking goddamn game here. So anyways, it was my mother-in-law's birthday and it got rained out like a month or two ago. So we finally rescheduled this thing. We went on one of these wine trips out here to Malibu. And they have these giant fucking like 600 acre ranches out there because I used to always, you know, whenever I'm flying by and I always look over and see all that fucking, that there's basically no place to land. You know, I was kind of thinking like, wow, it's amazing that it hasn't been

developed, I guess, because they're all fucking ranches. Eventually, eventually they'll get rid of all the fucking grapes and they'll turn into a giant fucking, I don't know. I don't know what the fuck you call it, apartment complexes or whatever. So anyway, so we go up there and first of all, it's so up in the fucking hills like the GPS isn't working and it actually ends up taking us to this fucking parole board thing that's in the middle there. They got the barbed wire fence. It looked like minimum security thing that we went into like, all right, I don't think this is the fucking wine place. So we end up going back and they have on the farm, you know, they have a place where you can just go get boozed, you know, boozed up, listen to some bands and that type of shit and

you know, there's something about wine drinkers, you just don't want to be around them. I don't know, it gives you a brutal fucking hangover. I like a nice glass, you know, I sound like fucking what's his face, start talking about fava beans and somebody's liver. I like a nice glass with the meal, but that's about it. But anyway, so they also have like a safari up there. They have like yaks, they have this fucking giraffe, they have camels, they have these emus, they had all this crazy shit, you could go up and feed them and all that type of stuff. So we're up there having a great time meeting these fucking yaks and zebras and stuff. And of course, you know, they got these giant bull like things. And this is fucking jerk off with these, one of these guys,

you know, that bought like the top of the line loafers, you know, but they're loafers, they have these really this fucking, you know, it's the kind of shit Rick flair would buy as a joke, right, just so we could hold them in some broke guy's face and say that his shoes cost more than the house. But this guy was like serious and he's wearing them, there's like dirt on the ground, obviously, he's walking around in them. So all of a sudden, you know, I'm over feeding a fucking yak and all of a sudden I hear the unmistakable sound of a bull hitting the fucking metal rail of a fence. I don't know why I know that sound. I think it's part of the fucking caveman DNA that's still left in everybody that you, you know, where you just, you ever have like walked down the street and

all of a sudden dogs behind a fence and it growls and your whole body just fucking gets that tingle and you come like, I'm telling you, you know, if you started running right then, you probably could run as fast as Bo Jackson, you know, that's how fast Bo Jackson could run just to gain four yards. He ran as fast as someone would run if a saber tooth tiger was fucking about ready to eat him, you know, that first fucking step. Anyways, I heard that sound immediately. I just, I was just, I was already being like, all right, I'm going to get fucking trampled or worst case scenario. This thing's going to hook under my belt and my fucking pants are going to go down to my ankles as my junk is flapping around like that poor bastard everybody sees on that guy's

life is over. He's fucked. There's no way to laugh that off. You ever seen that one? The bull fucking gets in the guy's belt loop, tips him upside down and just is just thrashing him around the guy's pants go all the way down to his ankles. And people went from being like, Oh my god, that's going to die to everybody just sitting there laughing at this guy. And you know, he's thinking like, Oh my god, this thing's going to gore my fucking dick. Right. And you know, the chick that he finally got the fucking courage to try to get the courage to ask up, ask up, ask out, up out over in whatever he wanted to take this bitch out. Right. So he probably was awkward. So he's going like, you know what, I'll do something amazing. And then that'll give her my

attention. I'll show you how courageous I am. Right. So he runs with the fucking bulls and right as she was being like, you know, he kind of anything like he's fun. All of a sudden, he's upside down. And then there's his fucking little fucking little Schmechel, right? It's Jewish people say fucking flopping around. It was just over. That guy not only had to leave his hometown, his province, he had to leave the country. He might have had to leave the continent, but now with fucking YouTube, it's just, you know, and here I am talking about it. Right. Sex offenders have an easier time relocating than that fucking guy after that one. So anyways, so I hear that sound and right as I turn around, I see the bull coming off the fence and I see this

guy in loafers, you know, had run back away from the fence. Right. And what was funny was I went over there and I fed the fucking bulls and nothing happened. Came over there. I had a relaxed energy. I fucking, you know, I had my fucking weight on my back foot, you know, I was standing like a fucking boxer, you know, I wasn't standing there flat footed like, when that fucking thing comes, I'm going to fall on my ass. I was already anticipating. It's like, I am not ending up in a fucking YouTube video. I'm already a white guy and we, I already, I am prone to walking up to animals like they're dogs. I don't know why white people do that, but I do that. I see a line at the zoo and I want to go up and give it a belly rub. Oh, you little fucking give it a beast.

Right. Where other groups of people for some reason, they, they, they understand not even for some reason, what they're doing is common sense, whatever fucking reason, white people, we just want to go up, you know, I don't know. It's fucking stupid, generally speaking, right? So I'm like, what a fucking idiot. And you see the guys got that look on his face. Like, I know it's got hit in the face by a fucking bullhorn, right? And surprisingly, the guys didn't say shit, right? And then we're all going to get back on the little open thing safari truck. And I hear, boom, I hear it again in the same fight. Look around again. Same fucking guy, backpedaling into stupid loafers and they don't say a fucking word to this guy. So I'm just like,

this guy is a fucking moron, right? So we get on the thing and we're driving over and now we're going to go see this giraffe, this teenage giraffe named Stanley, the coolest fucking giraffe you're ever going to meet. It just was not afraid of people whatsoever, which of course is dangerous. The first thing I thought of when I fucking saw the giraffe, it was like, I remember seeing a giraffe on YouTube kick a fucking lioness. This lioness went to jump on the things back and it timed it perfectly. Okay, like Andre Agassi's fucking dead, dead fucking shot he used to do right up the fucking is not the baseline right up the fucking whatever. He used to rip that back hang out right up and you know, he always talked shit about made a lot of money with that shot, right? That's what

the fucking giraffe did. But with its leg kick the lioness and what are they? How much is the lion weight like 600 pounds? Dude, he sent this fucking thing. It looked like it was doing like it was in the middle of doing a jumping jack. And it was just, but it was just like doing this airborne cartwheel. And it never came down. And this thing fucking flipped around like three times. And it hit the ground and it did not get up. All right, I know I use this reference a lot, but you remember the last hit Brett Farve took? That's what this lioness looked like from a giraffe. I couldn't believe it. Like I jumped up when I saw it. You know, it was like watching the nerd beat up the bully. All these guys were piling on and what was funny when the other lions saw

that they were like, Oh, shit. I didn't know. I didn't know the giraffe could do that. Yeah, it was like the Bruce Lee fucking was at the one inch punch when he'd send somebody flying across the room. We get it Bill. So that's that's all I'm thinking is I am not getting anywhere I am not getting anywhere near that thing's fucking like, so of course they got like a 10 foot fence and then you walk up the thing was 16 feet high as a teenager, right? And you go all the way up and all right at that level, it's just its head and you were feeding it little pieces of banana and all that shit with the skin. They just cut it up in sections and the way it would eat, it looked like an old man that took its dentures out and it was adorable. And you know,

the fucking pet the thing on its head, it was perfect, right? But anyways, as we're pulling up to go see this shit, the guy goes, All right, he goes, Now look, those camels over there, he goes, you got to be careful with those things. He goes, they're very aggressive. You know, all they want is food. But if you don't have food, they're going to, you got a great chance that they're going to bite you because they're going to get it one way or another. It's just how they're wired and their necks are longer than you think. So don't be, you know, turning your back on, I'm trying to get a selfie because you're going to get bit. And he goes in as much as I say this, you know, a couple, two, three people a month get bit,

right? So he says this. All right. And I always think it was good fellas, right? And after all, they're a yeah, yeah, bullshit. What does she do? She makes a fucking phone call from the home phone, right? exact same fucking thing. There was these three women in front of us. And for whatever fucking reason, like the second he gave that speech, I was like, You know what, fuck those camels. I'm not going anywhere near him. I didn't try to feed him. I didn't do I'm not fucking going to feed something when the tour guy goes, we're fucking three people get bit a month. I'm just like, you know, I guess who's not going to be one of those three old freckles over here. All right. So we go everybody pets the giraffes, we look at

these fucking emus, which are the creepiest goddamn animal ever. I don't know they do they have a look on their fucking face. I can't even I can't I'm trying to describe the look it's like just imagine if like you were in your backyard and you were just drinking a glass of lemonade and all of a sudden you saw the ground moving in a person just came up from under the ground. Just imagine how dirty their face would be. And as they walk towards you to take a sip of lemonade, just imagine that look on their face. That's what it looked like. I went to feed one of those things and it fucking came walking over like a zombie like I don't know what it was and they got this thing where they don't they can't like just gently take shit they go they do like fucking pit

fiber like like that fucking head comes right at you. I held this shit out. And I the second that thing locked eyes on me I fucking just dropped the carrot and left. It's like there it's over there stupid and the thing was too dumb to fucking look down. Crazy. It was like it had like I swear to God. Like that description they have when people are on the front lines in a fucking war like World War One. This thing looked like it's seen horror its entire fucking life and it's just like dude you know how about I just leave it here on the top of the fence and you figure it out so anyway so we're walking back to the to the little safari truck and those three fucking ladies where are they at everybody? Where do you where do you think that they're at?

You think they're getting on the truck? You know you think they're getting ready to go enjoy a glass of fucking wine at the winery? No they're over by the fucking camels and they're fucking getting really close but they got carrots so they're okay but they're way in this thing's fucking wheelhouse okay and I'm just sitting there going like and I literally muttered to Nia I go Nia film this because one of them is gonna get bit one of them is gonna get bit right so the cutest one of them all right fucking what does she do? After this guy says don't turn your back and try to take a selfie what does this fucking woman do? She turns her fucking back she's in this thing's fucking wheelhouse she was so close to the thing it almost had to double back with its fucking neck

it was what it did it fucking once it realized it didn't have any more carrots it she didn't it fucking doubled back and fucking basically bit this woman right on her boob her left boob she had a jacket on and she just went like and fucking stepped away fortunately it didn't clamp down and it fucking it had she had these disgusting like just green so like grass stains and saliva because the thing's fucking eat grass all day and she gets back to the the thing and she's doing that whole oh my god that thing just like bit me in the boob right and the tour guide funniest thing ever he just looks at it and he goes well I fucking told you he dropped the f-bomb yeah I fucking told you it's my favorite thing that I think I've seen

I can't remember that reminds me of when I was a kid if I was part of the last generation the last tail part of if you slipped on the ice it was your fucking fault it wasn't the guy's fault who had the storefront it's like yeah ice is slippery stupid yeah maybe next time you'll fucking be a little more careful and then somehow it became it became the shop owner's fault that you fucking were walking too recklessly on ice like it's his ice it's not his ice it's made by the lord right that's like mcdonald's having to make salads they took fucking responsibility rather than it's like no it's your fault you're fat you ordered 50 fucking big max you cunt you know we're a business if you order it we're gonna give it to you you're fucking dope

you know what what do you do after go eat a whole fucking gallon of ice cream what the fuck is wrong with you and they somehow took the responsibility they started making fucking salads it's the stupidest thing i've ever seen in my life so anyways yeah and that that guy he just went you know i fucking told you dude it was like needle off the record i couldn't fucking believe it and they didn't say anything it was like it was like watching donald trump in that first debate when he was still funny before it was just like holy fuck this guy's this guy might run the country now who's getting who he might speak for the he might pretend to be running the country that's the real deal that's why you can't be too afraid of donald trump because at the end of the day it's

the you know come on people we all know you know i'll tell you right now if i was fucking ices those fucking dopes trying to sneak into this country and blow people up and shit all those fucking idiots got to do is just get together their money and you just fucking put some money on hillary hillary clinton and donald trump right that's all you got to do and then you buy a little bit of advertising time on all the major networks and you'll never hear about them again that's how people that's how those fuckers you know genetically alter food you never fucking hear about it because they got their fucking money in everybody's pockets and everybody shuts the fuck up so that's what ices should do they should just do that and then they they could just walk into this country with

a goddamn bazooka on their back and no one would say shit um anyways so yeah that's what it was like the first debate with donald trump where he was just they were this side he said this about women he said that about women he said no no no i said about i said that about rosio donald they're like no no he said it about other women too and he just goes hey you know you're probably right you're probably right that was it was over she's like oh my god i think that me in the boob he goes ah yeah i fucking told you no sympathy no fucking sympathy it was perfect it's exactly it's exactly what i think most people need you know look i'm not saying that you shouldn't have empathy i'm not saying that you shouldn't have sympathy and that type of shit all i'm saying

is there there is a time and a place for no sympathy and that that was it that was it was it was done perfectly you know and i think she's going to be a better person because of it she couldn't even argue it's like i fucking told you and when you really think about it it's like when she comes back think bit me in the boob it's like it's like i just fucking told you it was going to do that like what do you think he's going to say oh did it oh i'm sorry did it do exactly what the fuck i said it was going to do um and then that was it and then the next thing we did was we fucking went over we checked over all these original like fucking air streams and then we would drink and wine and like that all happened like we got on the like it bit her in the boob

he said well i fucking told you and then we would drink and wine outside and i was just like this might this is fucking awesome that should be part of the tour that was i don't know is that weird am i making a bigger deal about it than it was so fucking refreshing yeah fuckhead you know that's on you all right here we go hey billy belgium bill big fan are you planning a trip to belgium in the fucking future um can't wait to see you uh life on stage uh you came close live li ve and right now i'm still i'm sticking with that french by the way i am uh on duolingo i got 23 days in a row michael jordan 23 fucking days in a row and uh i'm just gonna keep fucking doing this shit i try to get uh 200 points a day um sometimes i don't but i get at least 100 although tuesday

i looks like i only got 10 i did one lesson here i am for the week i got like 160 then i got 10 180 210 200 110 and 230 that ain't bad um hey bill this isn't about you it's about the fucking question you're right you're right i get i get distracted i get distracted what the fuck am i ah jesus christ and there's another way i'm trying to learn french i go to the montreal canadian's website and i go onto the french side and uh i know sacrilegious but i fucking do it and i um you know what do i say uh something learning the hard way the last time like a the prendes uh something dear or some di re i can kind of read it i still can't fucking speak it i stink at it but at least i'm getting to the point where i can kind of read you know at a decent level

i've been going on youtube and i've been watching these fucking you know they like kids shows i sort of got i'm gonna get put on a list but i'm learning i'm learning how to fucking read it why they're just going like the cat the cat says meow you know meow cat meow oh look at the dog they do it all in french right all right big fan are you planning a trip to belgium in the future uh can't wait to see you life live on stage great brain great humor love your show i am absolutely 100 percent gonna get there at some point um this year i am planning a tour of eastern europe and then my usual run through uh the whitest people of all time from finland all the way over to iceland and i'm

planning to end in iceland and uh spend an extra couple of days there at the blue lagoon spa and you got to do it and you should go during the winter when all the fucking tourists are not there you want to be there when there's snow on the ground i mean right now i don't know if the northern lights are still we probably missed it by now but like that's one that's like a bucket list thing for me i want to go there see the fucking northern lights when i went there i felt like i was on the top of the earth and it was the bluest place i'd ever been to in my life sky was so fucking blue it was crazy and um i'm telling you it's right to everybody he always flies past it but he goes right by it just fucking you got to go to it um i got to tell you when

take a shower there you got you are gonna taste fucking sulphur um that's a little gross but other than that it's fantastic okay so i will definitely be there hopefully by the end of the year our painting of jesus laughing dear billy christ my in-laws have had this hang have had this hanging in their house since i've known them and i get a good chuckle every time i see it hope you do too man at least one artist just depicts the guy as a jolly man now i gotta go back because i copied and pasted it pasted it did it copied and pasted oh yeah it doesn't even look like jesus i gotta uh we gotta we gotta tweet that uh that photo out what made him laugh like that some of you is probably like hey you know i uh banged a hooker

like you uh do i still have a chance to get to heaven you know you couldn't laugh and like that you're gonna be hanging on a cross like me there freckles um all right i'll definitely uh i'll have to post that i'm sitting on my lower back again how does this happen i just slide down the fucking couch um all right girlfriend's dysfunctional family all right uh dear billy boy uh huge fan of pockets thank you anyways i am a male in his early 20s living in a small one bedroom apartment with my girlfriend recently my girlfriend's mother has received a new job position that's much closer to us and she is currently in the process of looking for a new place in our area oh jeez i am all for my girlfriend being able to be closer to her family why

why would you be all for that be all for it if they're cool i'm telling right now do not marry anybody who does not have a cool fucking family okay because those motherfuckers are gonna be in your house you think you're gonna marry her and then yeah yeah all right take it easy you're just gonna fucking waltz her out the door after your wedding no they're gonna be calling your house they're gonna be coming over they're gonna want to fucking play with your kids okay those people are you are marrying into the fucking family so right now i think what you're doing is you're trying to be a modern man so you're just automatically going lay out i don't i'm all for it i'm all for you expressing your opinions and having your mother be right across the fucking street

listen i'm probably projecting here um like i said thank god thank christ the lovely nia has a wonderful family um thank god thank christ because i know people in that situation in that situation like fucking misery the misery of the family like you know they retire and then they just move to where you are and then they just come over all the fucking time and they have no fucking clue how annoying they are and then if the wife doesn't fucking say anything you're you got to step up off dude fucking shit show all right recently my girlfriend's uh i'm all for my girlfriend being able to be closer to her family as i enjoy their company as well oh shit you know what i didn't read that part sorry but the whole moving situation

is starting to become a bit of a headache and is starting to impede on our own lives yeah see you're young you're in your early 20s okay here we go my girlfriend's mother is currently in between places and might stay with us during the week however this is not the worst of it my girlfriend has three other siblings that her mother provides care for two brothers and one sister her oldest brother in particular is a bit of a black sheep he is easily agitated by the smallest requests like cleaning up after himself or remembering to lock the door he is careless when it comes to using other people's belongings and does not clean up after himself well you know what that fuck that he can't stay there then i would i would be a bit more forgiving if he was younger than i am but he too was in his

early 20s like me now having to deal with a family member like this may not sound like an issue dude this is this is this is making i'm breaking out in hives reading this thing this is how much of a fucking issue this is especially if your girlfriend does not address what a douche her brother is that's what you need okay that's the keys to the castle okay if there's someone in you know whatever if you're a woman dating a guy right if if he has something if his sister's a cunt and he won't address it on any level i'm not saying he literally has to drop the fucking you know the c-note there but you got you gotta you gotta fucking you gotta address it okay you gotta fucking address it all right so anyways now having to deal with this

deal with a member like this may not sound like an issue today but i learned that my girlfriend's mother asked to bring my girlfriend's brother with her to stay with us for a few days let's face it will probably be longer than that after seeing firsthand how he acts with other people especially his family i want to say no and be done with it but i'm sure this will open up more issues between myself and my girlfriend her mother and possibly her brother yeah it'll bring up great issues the fact that her brother is a fucking selfish douche dude you are right now in the beginning of creating your adult life so when you feel no you say no all right and if your girlfriend gets fucking pissed then fuck her okay if she wants to break up with you you know what you did

dude you just you just walked away from what you know what you you fat you fast forward you're fast forwarding through the fucking nightmare and you're getting to the inevitable end of the fucking relationship without you being legally bonded to them without you having kids that have fucking looked like her and just remind you of them every fucking time remind you of her every time you see him this this is what you have to do you have to listen to your gut in life your gut will tell you you're saying i don't want to do this but then what happens is social politeness kicks in well ah you know it's only for a few days ba ba ba ba i don't want to fuck all of that fuck all of that i'm not saying that you have to say it the way i'm saying it

but you have to have a sit down and just be like listen i don't mind if your mother stay here but i'm not comfortable with your brother staying here and if she says why it's my brother be like because he's inconsiderate and he's reckless with personal belongings he forgets to lock the door and all that and i don't think he's a responsible person and just let it sit there and if she has a fucking problem with it who gives a i don't you don't have to be disrespectful just be like i don't share your viewpoint and i live here too and i'm saying i'm saying no he can't stay here and then she'll have nothing to say other than so you're saying you can't stay here she'll just start repeating what you're saying and be like that is what i'm saying and then you

let her huff and you let her puff and do all the fucking shit she's going to do and you don't let that fucking douche step into the house and look here's the thing do what do you what do you have to lose here other than your own happiness you got to put a value on it anyways let me just continue on here um he says after seeing firsthand how he acts with other people especially his family i want to say no um but i'm sure this will open up more issues between myself and my girlfriend her mother and possibly her brother as it is an issue with my girlfriend and i have argued about it in the past oh yes he's already done it yeah dude all right you're already knocked down you're already kicked in the door walk in what would you do in this situation i think i've

already said it um and is there any sort of advice you can give me if her brother does come to stay for a few days how should i treat him knowing he'd probably just get agitated with me telling him to clean up after himself thanks and go fuck yourself dude this is the deal dude this is this is non-negotiable this is non-fucking negotiable okay this is your life all right and he's a fucking douche and listen man if your girlfriend can't see what a fucking asshole this guy is dude can you imagine if your brother was like this and it made your girlfriend feel uncomfortable would your brother be staying with you he makes me uncomfortable he's weird he doesn't pick up he smells my me undies whatever the fuck he's doing you'd be like that's it you can't you can't be here

you know i'm like whoa because you're a jerk off all right there's a super rate down the street good luck to you you know um i gotta tell you this this this might be this might be the old right there for it for your fucking relationship okay you might have to throw down the gauntlet all right i gotta tell you dude if this if this fucking asshole is already making you this fucking miserable okay just the idea of him staying with you for a couple two three days all right are you really gonna marry this woman you're gonna marry into that with that fucking shit show and they'll buy it on me and you make me very fucking seeing fuck that until he goes out and he fucks his whole

fucking life up you know and what what happens to you do you i'm assuming you you're planning on being successful in life right which means you're gonna go make a big bag of loot and get yourself a whip right sorry um now you can have a nice car you have a nice house you know a beautiful wife you have all that type of shit you know you know what you know what cunts do cunts think like well how come i don't have that it's like well because you didn't work for it stupid and they're not gonna think that and they're gonna want to come around and they're gonna want fucking handouts and if she and if if that fucking jerk off knows that his sister is a big softy he's gonna use her to get to you and all the shit that you fucking work for okay i'm painting a very bleak

scenario here but um dude you just you say no he can't stay here you know and if it really comes down to just be listen i don't like the guy okay and i don't think it's i just think it's how he's wired because you turned out great you guys both had the same fucking parents i don't know what happened to that guy but he's a fucking i don't say fucking that guy he's just like i don't want him in my i don't want him here your mother can stay here plus that it's only a one bedroom apartment you know so we're gonna be on top of each other and i can't deal with that guy when i'm at your mother's house forget about in our one bedroom apartment i don't want that guy here i don't want his balls dangling in our fucking commode i don't want his pubes in my shower i don't want his hands

in my on the fridge i just don't want him here i don't want him here you know what's funny i don't even know this guy and i fucking hate him there's no fucking way dude please can you please do this for yourself and this is a great exercise to have you know for both men and women you can flip this around like learning how to stand up to the person that you're with you got to learn how to do that you just sometimes you just have to you gotta have a fight you just have to have a fight and um and there is a freedom to not giving a fuck in a good way what people think about you i mean do you who gives a fuck if some piece of selfish shit doesn't like you what the fuck do you care i'm a jeez i would i'd be just openly i don't like you yes you i don't like you i think

you're a piece of garbage and then we look at his girlfriend you look at your girlfriend or his sister you just yeah don't worry i already told her sir please don't let him stay in your place and please write write in and please tell me please tell me what happened i don't know why but i live for moments like this in life you know as much as i like making people laugh and that type of thing i get even more enjoyment telling pieces of shit no it's one of the great things and just the look on their fucking face because the reason why a lot of pieces of shit are pieces of shit because people politely maneuver around them and when you can get that fucking mitt right in their face you know put your hand right in their forehead that's about far enough they're

sparky oh it's just it's one of the great feelings in life i think that's why god made douchebags just so you know someone like yourself can have that feeling i'm really coming off arrogant here for you i'm probably the douchebag too anyways all right fiance's wedding plans hey they had billy blue band blue bland the fuck is that first let me say i can't see i can't wait to see you in orlando on may 7th i don't know why i haven't seen you perform live yet but you are my you are the last on my top 10 comedians to see before i die oh jesus um there's way more that you should see than that but i am i'm very flatter than i am one of the 10 okay so he says i've been engaged for three years now all right

dumper you don't want to marry her do i really need to read the rest of this the fuck is engaged for three years he said and me and my lady are in the first steps of finally planning our wedding i'm i am simple and i'm and i'm okay with something small and would rather save money for our honeymoon and down payment on the house and let me guess she wants to spend a ton of fucking money my fiance wants a destination theme wedding i'm not opposed to compromise and have a destination wedding but she wants the theme to be the little mermaid in hawaii she's adamant about this and has these horrible outfits picked out for the whole wedding party to wear including myself as neptune i don't believe this i'm calling bullshit

but you know what as always i'll read it like it's true i'm 37 and she is 28 if that matters i sincerely love her but she won't let this go and i absolutely refuse to go through with that i don't want to lose her in my life but i've tried everything i can think of to talk her out of it and honestly it's a deal breaker for me please tell me your thoughts and if you have any advice i'd be very grateful thanks and go fuck yourself all right well this isn't a joke question you've been engaged for three fucking years okay that's weird i think there's something going on there and uh you know you're you're a little bit country she's a little bit rock and roll remember that the old fucking donnie and marie show usually sometimes opposites you know you know

she's that party you she completes you i don't i don't think she's this this is a shit show if this is true you are you're do you understand that when you inevitably get divorced from this fucking woman that you are going to get no sympathy from anybody they will first be oh my god a divorce i heard you know other than losing a loved one that's the most stressful thing ever but when you tell the story that you dressed like neptune at your own fucking wedding right then everybody's yeah well you know i fucking told you yeah dude i you walk away from it you're 37 you're fine you'll meet somebody else okay you got on you don't have a biological clock this one of the great things about being a dude you know but it all balances out because we die

eight years before them you know so they get the little little bit you know live a little bit longer sitting in that coffee house you know eating those fucking weird chocolates um he said oh this is somebody else's i'm sorry i thought that's how he signed off um yeah i would walk away from this whole fucking thing how many more red flags need to be shook in your face you just walk away from the whole fucking thing fine you you can oh my god dude what kind of fucking issues does she have that she wants to have a little oh my god she one of those women that has that goo goo gaga creepy ass fucking voice she talks talks like she's fucking six oh god that gives you the fucking chills can you be a fucking adult over here

what do you want do we you mean what what if you wanted a scooby-doo themed fucking wedding right you wanted her to dress like fucking that with the genine graffalo redheaded one you know and her sister to dress like dafney and you were gonna be fucking shaggy the best man was going to dress like fred with that scarf around his fucking why i don't believe that question i just don't okay and if you fucking marry her you deserve it you know and when you come crying up to me i'm going to steal from that fucking tour yeah i fucking told you all right squats hey billy bird legs that's fucking hilarious i've been listening to you talk about the way you work out of the podcast and i gotta chime in do some fucking squats dude squats are not a leg

exercise they are a compound full body movement oh this is already making me tired put a couple hundred pounds on your back just push your legs and watch while your frail freckled spine gets twisted like a pretzel well why would i want to do that squats and deadlift which i recommend to uh need you to engage damn near every muscle in your body if you want to put on some real muscle density stop being such a cowardly little cut and learn to squat and deadlift dude i don't want to walk around all bulked up you know start wearing tank tops i'm not trying to do that jesus christ you said i recommend watching at coa and apostrophe at squat and deadlift videos from super training on youtube to start dude i'm not trying to get into the nfl uh then watch the rest of their content

and learn what the fuck you're doing i wrote some stuff about my experience with adding squats and deadlifts to my routine you can read it or not just lift some heavy shit stop being a bitch and go fuck yourself all right i like the way this man speaks he gets right to it he's very direct uh my experience when i was younger i used i used to be a mirror muscles guys mirror muscle guy too fuck you talking about dude i got a pegboard i got those uh atomic fucking uh i'm doing all i'm doing i'm trying to do like half um what are that uh american ninja warrior fucking thing i'm building that in my garage all right you with your fucking schwarzenegger workout from 1978 stop acting like you're in the future you fucking cunt i was decent you know you came in you were talking a little

bit fresh you need to fucking stand down a little bit here um instead i got older and i started working in a chocolate factory you know everything seems like a lie this you worked in a char were you in a fucking tree making cookies amazingly doing curls and benching 135 after spending the day sitting at my desk shoveling free chocolate in my face did nothing to stop my belly from growing well yeah well neither were doing squats okay if you don't fucking eat anything else but cookies anyways he goes now i squat bench and deadlift like a powerlifter and i am stronger and more jack than i have ever been yeah and you stop eating chocolate um not only do i actually have legs now but my chest arms and back traps everything are bigger than ever i just i can't

recommend the videos from super trading enough all right i'll check it out the guys are hilarious strong as fuck and there there is tons of great info on there anyways i appreciate the podcast best of luck with the new home gym and again go fuck yourself all right cool i will definitely check that out thank you so much for that information once again for people at home ed it said coa an apostrophe s for some reason i don't that looks like it's missing something but anyways it's called uh super training so if you spell the name kind of like that it ought to come up in your uh your google search there okay about driving and diving into caves uh hey bill you were talking about divers with those caves here's a documentary of finished guys who legally

illegally who go illegally to their dead friends bodies what from their last trip i think it was made illegal to go there after they died because it was too dangerous to go to those caves but they went anyway and made a movie about it come to finland soon and go fuck yourself well why don't they retrieve the bodies is everybody lying to me this week why can't you be honest all right the last one here uh girlfriend is good friends with dude she met on tinder uh hey billy red burk uh bork kind of i guess it's supposed to be like ray bork red burk um so recently i was talking with my girlfriend about one of her guy friends the two of them seemed pretty close he did a photo shoot for a t-shirt company she's starting and and she

even said we're like the same person yeah dude it's over it's over she hasn't blown him yet she's gonna walk away something she's has said uh something she has said to me as we're talking she reveals that she met this dude off of the dating and actually just about fucking app tinder before dude you wrote this so bad before she we got together i'm just gonna read it how you wrote it i tried to play a cool letter talk about him and just brush it off as whatever dude this is the brainwashing of the american male now where everything is if you even question a woman it's like wait was that date rape so you just ignore all your fucking instincts here i tried to play it cool yeah her douchebag brother who does totally inconsiderate wants to stay here you know i'm all

for that you're not all for that your soul is screaming no you're playing it cool because you're not cool with it yeah why don't you go hang out with some fuck buddy you met on tinder and see how she fucking likes it right anyways well the two of them text quite a lot and the other night she received something i think from him and she laughed now i am ordinarily not a nosy type but the situation is weird so i asked what's funny she flipped she said i'm being too nosy and trying to pry into her personal life oh my god and then did you give her a sidekick right out of the fucking bed he goes i mean she really flipped her shit about it she claims i'm being paranoid and that they are just friend i don't know billy if they fucked what's to say they want to do what do you

mean you don't know he finishes it with am i being paranoid should i not give a shit or should i kick this chick to the curb dude punter to the curb right in the seat of her fucking lion pants yeah yeah and i would just say why you're breaking up i go because you uh because the guy on tinder completes you go get with him oh my god you're being paranoid no i'm not you guys are fucking in my heart that hearts you guys are fucking and if you're not you're gonna and to be honest with you you probably should be you're fucking laying in bed with me giggling about his goddamn text just go over there and suck his dick already they give me my keys that's it it's fucking over all right that's the podcast for this week go fuck yourselves

talk to you thursday