Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 3-23-15

Episode Date: March 23, 2015

Bill rambles about going to the gym, Ted Kennedy and wearing suspenders.

Hey, what's going on? Oh, yeah. Hey, it's Bill Byrne. It's the Monday morning podcast for Monday, Monday, March 23, 2015. How's it going? How are you doing? Hopefully, hopefully you're hearing this thing on time. If not sooner last week, I, um, I recorded the thing on Sunday, then of course I brought the wrong fucking wire. So I couldn't upload it. Right? And then fucking I do my Thursday one, my internet just sucks in my I don't know what's going on like, in my neighborhood, right? They don't want, you know, when they put those trees up, it looks like a weird looking tree, but you can't really tell unless you look at it and it gives you good internet. Well, in my neighborhood, they don't want that.

We don't want that. It affects the integrity of the windscape in your neighborhood, right? So we don't have one of those. So my internet sucks a big bag of dicks. So what I have to do now, it just keeps getting worse by the week. And I don't know if this is part of some other bullshit, some big conglomerates buying up bandwidth and all this shit where they try to squeeze me down the fucking little porthole they want me to go down. I don't even know if that's under the same category. That's just some shit that I heard walking by a TV in an airport. All right, so don't hold me to that. All I know is now whenever I do my fucking podcast, what I have to do is I then have to jump in the car after I upload it

and then drive down to a local Starbucks. And I got to stand there, you know, eating a muffin waiting for the fucking thing to upload. Actually, I'm not I don't eat it. I'm not eating a muffin. All right. Oh, Billy, Jim rat. Huh? Oh, Billy, squat face. You don't want it. I've been going to the gym now for fucking two weeks. And, you know, I fucked up yesterday. A buddy of mine's parents were in town and went to this Greek restaurant, ate like a fucking horse and, you know, it's just it's just fucking my age. You just can't do that. You can't like negate two days of working out. But I'm still going to the gym. I'm holding steady. I was I was 177.8 starting off at 184. I dropped seven pounds almost a fucking lot more like six pounds. And I'm

not stopping. And I'm going to keep saying this because if I don't tell you guys this, you won't hold it to me. You won't hold it to me. You won't hold me to it. I got to get down to buck 62. The last time or whatever fucking way that is why finally have a flat stomach or you know what I mean? What I've always said. All right. There's standing up flat stomach, there's lying down flat stomach and then the ultimate shape is sitting down flat stomach. Right. The ultimate truth is when you sit down and you look down, that's that's the fucking shape you're in. And I got to tell you, I don't like it. I don't like it at all. So you wouldn't know by my coughing, I haven't had a cigar in a fucking month. And I like it. I think I'm done with them for a while. I'm gonna smoke one new

years, my birthday, and then like that big college game I go to every year. And then that's fucking it. You know what I mean? I had this fucking cough for like few weeks, you know, some sort of throat infection. But I mentioned to the guy that I smoked cigars, and he took his little fucking mirror and he was looking at the side of my tongue for cancerous lesions. And immediately I'm just like, what am I doing? What am I an asshole? Where do I get off smoking a cigar? Like I just figured out the fucking economy. You know, like I just, you know, carved a path towards world peace. I haven't. All I did was come up for more hateful, hurtful, misinterpreted material. That's all I've done. I don't deserve a cigar. So anyways, I've been going to the gym. I've just decided that

going to the gym is part of my day. All right, it's not a part of my day that I like, I don't like the gym. You know, you know, fucking song they had on today. Remember that song? Y'all ready for this? Bam, bam, bam, bam. How the fuck up there? Y'all ready for this? I'm gonna start singing my stupid dubstep shit. What the fuck does it go? Y'all ready for this? I can't remember how it goes. It's like, it always plays this fucking awful keyboard. And then it stops and some do ask you, are y'all ready for this? You know, they played that they played Herbie Hancock though, Rocket, which, you know, I actually appreciate that song. But I mean, I just don't understand why the music has to be so bad. So anyways, I was going to the gym. And I'm walking in my car, I'm just muttering

like, I don't want to do this. I don't want to do this. I want to do this. And it turned into I don't want to do this. I don't want to do this. I don't want to do this. But the second I do this, it's over. All right. The second I'm done, it's over. That's what I just kept saying. I don't want to do this. I don't want to do this. I don't want to do this. But the second it's done, it's over. I'm fucking walking up the steps to my gym. And you know, when people fucking walking out of the gym to I'm so jealous of them that they're done, you know, and people coming out of the gym, they're in a good mood, they hold the fucking door for you and shit big smile. Hey, get your work out on right. People fucking dragging ass walking into the gym. They fucking open they didn't look back at

you. They do everything with slam the fucking door in your face. Right? Then you walk up to the counter. There's that little spunky, perky little chick there with their fucking ponytails. Pretending she doesn't realize that she's sort of dressed like a whore, you know, like something you'd order. You know what I mean? What's with the fucking whore theme here? You know, why can't you show up with your hair like an adult? Okay. There's so much I hate the gym. I'm actually taking it out on this person and she probably didn't look like that at all. Right. I just fucking hate it. And then you go over to the map where you're going to go stretch out and what happens every time you go over there. Some cunt has fucking and by cunt male or female has sweated it on the fucking map

and didn't even wipe it up. And even if they did wipe it up, you see that you're like, well, what the fuck am I laying on here? Right? I should no war shorts. It's fucking gross. So I don't know, but I haven't been in the gym a while with the gym etiquette. I don't know what the fuck happened. You know, the deal like if you're using a machine, you use it, then you stand up, right? You sort of walk around a little bit in case somebody else wants to use it. I was doing legs today, legs and eggs, right? This fucking asshole. I do a set of the things you know, where you're sitting down, you bring your fucking feet up, whatever you call those things. And then I go over to do the ones where you're doing the back of your legs. And then I do the squat machine. I'm going back to

get into the first one. It's called doing a little cycle there, right? 123 to crew was called BDP, right? You go fucking three of them. And I go back to the first one. And this is fucking jerk off, finishes the set. And then he's just sitting there, staring down at his fucking iPhone, you know. And I didn't say anything. Because the last time that happened, I said to this lady, I said, Hey, can I work in? She's like, what? And then take out my earbuds, what? I'm like, can I work a set in? And she's like, I only have two more. And she just puts it back in. Oh, I wanted to give her a fucking flare chop, right up right over the top of her fucking breast. This is you can't do that. Can't do that. Now they're out of the house, they got jobs, they can vote fucking over. There

was a time when they weren't even a lot of chips. I don't know what it is. I don't understand that person. I don't understand the person that still uses the fucking Stairmaster. This fucking guy gets on right. And you know those people when they get on the Stairmaster and they stand on it, what happens is the fucking thing starts going down to the ground. That's when you're supposed to step, step up onto the other one. They let it go all the way down to the ground with both legs. And then they just go like little step, little step, little step, little step, they're not doing anything. And then they're just fucking like clinging to the top of the machine, like they have boat capsized and they're waiting, they're waiting for their turn to get yanked into the Coast Guard

chopper, right? It's just so and they'll fucking be on the thing hanging on it for like 20 minutes. And it's like, dude, you didn't do anything other than make your arms go to sleep. Oh, I'm lashing out everybody because I fucking can't stand it. And I'm so fucking mad at myself that I've got myself into this fucking position that I'm going to have to go there for like two and a half months, just to just to be acceptable looking. Telling you, dude, you eat your way in and out of the gym. And I swear to God, Oh, Billy fat face did a fucking number, man, the holidays and then that fucking world tour. I actually did well on the world tour. I was fucking hitting the, I was hitting the gyms when I could just making a huge difference. And then I went to New York and it

was just a fucking shit show. You know what I mean? You know, you get drunk. All pizza tastes good when you're drunk. You don't give a fuck, right? Go to those goddamn deli's get a bacon egg and cheese at fucking two in the morning. Oh, that's good, Bill. There you go. We think that's going right to your fucking man tits your freckled cunt. So I did that for I don't know. I don't know. I don't even know how long started in November, right before Thanksgiving, I started, you know, you just start shifting around in your chair and you feel it. You put not a little weight there, Bill. What are you going to do about it? I don't want to go to the gym. I want more Fritos, right? And I was stuck in it. The sugar, salt addiction. It had me. When I was writing on FS for family,

we had Frito Fridays. We get a big giant bag and these fucking awesome sandwiches and it was great. It was great until now. Now that I'm on the elliptical. So I actually go into the gym and this is I actually to get an hour's worth of cardio. If you're a Stephen Adler fan, you can listen to basically I listen. I don't know if I already told you this, but this is what I do when I have to knock out an hour of cardio. Obviously, the towel goes over the timer because I don't want to fucking look at it. And I put on Civil War, the only track that Steven played drums on and the use your illusion albums. And then I just listened appetite from front to back. And I basically look at it this way. You got an hour, right? Break it down to 15 minute quarters, like a game.

Civil War into fucking welcome to the jungle. And then somewhere in it's so easy, you got your first 15 minutes because Civil War is a long fucking song. All right, like seven minutes of some shit. What we've got here. All right. And then you figure your next three, which are night train it's so easy and Mr. Brownstone, that takes you almost up to a half hour. It all depends on when you press play. Then you're into Paradise City, my Michelle. So the game's half over. Then Paradise City, my Michelle and think about you. All right. Then you're coming up on 45 minutes. You're in the final fucking stretch. Then all it is is a sweet child. You're crazy. What's the other one? Anything goes. And then you're warmed down is Rocket Queen. You're fucking done. That's all I

do. I'm getting sick of that because I keep fucking doing that every goddamn day. And I'll just have to sweat. You got to have like a classic album that you just like everything wired a fucking wire. And the musicians in the band didn't put out some bullshit 40 minute album, they actually put out a good like 50 minutes of music. And I don't know, at that point, you're throwing one of the fucking song and you're good to go. Am I boring you with this shit? Well, that's how fucking bored I am at the goddamn gym. What's with these meatheads that walk around, they got like a gallon of fucking water. Then they're never sweating either. They walk around, they got that tape handle on it, walking around like a fucking ape, right? Is that what they're going to drink all day? I don't

understand why they're doing that. Although I do appreciate the beautiful ladies in the spin class when I walk by with their little half shirts on. That's kind of nice before I walk into the misery. The fucking gym knowing I'm doing chess that day. And there's no fucking way to bet. Oh, you know, there's another fucking cunt move is the guy who uses the bench for the bench press to do like ab work and tricep dips. And then he just fucking sits there. And this everybody goes for the fucking weight bench. Nobody does squats, you know what I mean? Go do your fucking ab work on the squat machine, your cunt, right? All right, that's it. I'm done bitching. All right, there we go. Jesus fucking Christ. Oh, Bill, why did you do this to yourself? You know, it's funny when

as I put on weight, too, I always go I'm putting on weight, I'm putting on weight, and then I don't want to get on the scale, because I don't want to fucking see what I already know. But if I just get on the scale, the second I felt it, I'd feel disgusted halfway down the road, instead of being all the way down the fucking road. So anyways, that's it. I'm done. I'm done fucking done fucking ragging at this point. I don't think that fucking hand sanitizer is always out at the fucking gym. That's Jesus Christ. I'm not a gym guy. I just don't fucking like are they gonna want to just file that fucking guy. I'm watching Duke San Diego State right now, and that Okra for whatever his name is. He did that power assault thing where he dunks the ball. First of all, he's like

nine feet tall. So it's like me dunking on a Nerf hoop. And he dunks the ball after a fast break. And what does he do after he dunks the ball? He does that stupid yelling. I think you gotta get teed up for that. Technical foul for being a douche. What are you doing? Quit acting like you're in fucking Braveheart. It just it drives me up the fight. I don't know. They never did that when I was a kid. Larry Bird would fucking hit a three pointer to win the game. And all I do is stick his, you know, index finger in the air like, Yeah, there you go. Number one. It's over. He just backpedaled down the court. You know, like he's this, you know, half man, half fucking, I don't know, wild the beast. Is that the right animal? Oh, Jesus, this is all the misery of you're

listening to a sore old man who realizes he has another two and a half months of fucking work in the gym. And he's ready to quit right now and go get himself a cupcake. By the way, I got a hand to the Greeks, man, they got great food, don't they? But I will tell you this, they cannot make a dessert to save their fucking lives. Oh, fuck you with the honey. Jesus Christ, why don't you just take a honeycomb and roll it and flower and throw it at me? It's just it just tastes like ass. It's like they take wallpaper, and they layer it up with honey in the middle of it. That's what fucking baklava is. A baklava however the fuck you say everything else though, outstanding. Maybe that's where I need to live. Maybe I should go move to Greece. I'd never

get dessert, not because I don't want it. It's because they don't make a good dessert. And then I would be cutting those calories out. Then I could finish my dinner. And after I was done dinner, and they'd be like, do you want you want dessert? I'd be like, no, when they go, no, no, I don't. And then when they walk away, I go like I just did something amazing. Does that work for you? Well, I don't give a fuck. It works for me. What's with your attitude this week? What happened to you? What did you do this weekend that makes you feel so goddamn important? Did you fill out your brackets? So anyways, Jesus Christ, you know what I have to say is I have so much shit I have to fucking do today. And and study for my fucking exams. I'm in the bubble guys. I'm

in the bubble. I don't know when I'm taking the test, but for the helicopter license, but I am in the bubble right now. I'm testing every day that E six B is my fucking bitch right now. It's my bitch. That thing I fucking couldn't stand that little stupid computer thing with the goddamn wheel. And after a while, once you start figuring out, you really appreciate the genius of whoever it is that came up with that thing. I'll tell you, whoever came up with that thing, if he did it while TV existed, that's one of the smartest human beings that ever lived. You know, I'm going to go out on a limb and I'm going to say a man is the person that came up with that. And the only reason why it wasn't a woman

was because of you fill in the blank. You fill in the blank with the excuse because we're not allowed to play with paper during that decade. This has nothing to do with sexism. This just has to do with me. I fucking hate going to the gym. Don't like going to I don't want to do this. I don't want to do this. I'm just gonna get it done. It's fucking over. Anyways, what else? Jesus Christ, my Bruins are fucking ripping my hat out right now. You know, right when I thought they were putting it back together, we got the capitals, we got Ottawa, we got big games, and we just fucking lose all of them. I haven't even seen the Ottawa game. I was working that night. And I just, you know, I followed the Bruins on my phone

and I just kept seeing. Okay, anytime there's 10 goals in a game, that's a pretty insane game. I have it on. I have a DV ad. I'm going to watch it as much as it's going to kill me. But even last night, we fucking lost an overtime to the fucking Florida Panthers and Ottawa won against and now like, I don't know what the standings are, but we're like the eighth seed by the skin of our teeth. I don't know. Oh, shit, we're playing Tampa Bay right now or coming up. We got a fucking Tampa Bay is tough too. Ah, who am I kidding? We don't, we don't have it this year. I thought we were getting hard. I thought we were going to be right Bruins face lightning with one point lead for second wild card in the East. Jesus Christ.

I still think the winner comes from the West. What do you guys think? Still think they're better. Speaking of hockey, I was hanging out with Joe Bartnick, Rose Bowl, Tailgate legend Joe Bartnick and he said gun to his head. He was picking the Blackhawks and he said maybe St. Louis Blues. I don't want to miss quote him, but if you want to hear the best hockey show that I know of, you got to listen to his puck off podcast. Joe Bartnick, it's one of my favorites. And even though he'd fucking ripped the Bruins apart, I couldn't argue with a lot of what he was saying. But I think this week rumor has it he might be going at his own Pittsburgh penguins. So we'll see what happens with that. But, but anyways, this is the Monday

morning podcast. I do one of these every goddamn week. And then I check in on you on Thursdays. That's how it works. And if you'd like to donate to this podcast without having to give me a fucking dime and feel good about yourself next time you're going to Amazon rather than going straight to amazon.com. Just go to my website, billbird.com, click on the merch page and then click on the Amazon link. And they give me credit for driving traffic to their website. That's it. It doesn't cost you any extra money. No nothing. No nada. No nothing, right? So if you want would like to do that, I would really appreciate it. And with that, let's get to a little bit of advertising here for this week. All right, trunk club, everybody, trunk, TR, UNK, trunk, trunk club. Guys, you might hate

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now and you know you're putting on weight and you don't want to step on the scale, do yourself the biggest fucking favor right now. Stop listening to this podcast. Go in, step on the scale and see what the damage is. It's going to be Duke beat fucking San Diego state. They pulled away in the end one by 19. If you don't do it now, you're just going to keep going. You're going to keep going further and you're going to be as miserable as I am right now. Fucking miserable. Jesus Christ. Why did I do that to myself? Jesus Christ. I look like the fucking Michelin man. I had it well, though. I'll tell you, you're going to hide a good 25 pounds of fucking absolute shit with a fucking button down shirt. You know that? Well, that's what I used to say it was you're in sport coat shape,

button down shirt shape, t-shirt shape, wife beater shape, no shirt shape. And then the ultimate is no shirt sitting down in shape. That's right there. That is the deep, the in shape pyramid. All right now. And right now I am somewhere between I'm like button down shirt shape. I'll tell you if you really want to discuss yourself, you know, because you really got to be disgusted with yourself before you finally work out. I find this is what you should do. Stand shirtless in the mirror looking at yourself with a pair of dad jeans and suspenders. Okay. And the level of disgust you'll have for yourself. You'll be dragging your ass to the fucking gym like I am. And I apologize for how cuntty I'm being this week. Anyways,

I'm heading back east coming up here in a little bit and I was just wondering if it's still snowing in New York. Is it melting? Are there ice dams? Is the world ending back there? I have no fucking idea. I'm heading back there coming back there soon. I just got to hit the gym for the rest of this fucking week and then I'll go to New York next week and everything will be fine. And I'll be back there with all the fucking animals that I used to drink with and eat pizza late at night with and I'm just gonna have to fucking somehow plow through that shit. But anyways, you don't want to hear about that shit. Why don't we why don't we go fucking take a quick look at some some world news, some world news, some news from the world. As always, I never go to

US news sites. I try to stay away from those fucking things because I always hear all that shit. Anyways, if I don't hear it on the news, I hear comedians talking about it. So I like going to fucking Al Jazeera. I like checking out seeing what Al's talking about. Son of Ukraine's ex president drowns in a Russian lake. The youngest son of Ukraine's former president, Viktor Yanukovych. Yanukovych, what a fucking great name. Yanukovych, Viktor Yanukovych. Sounds like a fucking holofame defenseman, has died after his vehicle plunged through the ice near the Russian-Mongolian border. What the fuck was he doing all the way over there? An associate of the deposed president said, oh, deposed, the guy got booted. Now what'd he do? Did he stick

a cigar in somebody's taut? Said on Sunday that the 33 year old Victor Yanukovych, who had the same name as his father, was driving at the time of his death. Russian authorities have not identified a driver who died on Friday when a mini bus carrying six people smashed through thin ice on Lake Bakal or confirmed reports that it was Yanukovych's son. The five passengers survived. Wait a minute, what are you talking about? This guy was driving a bus? How the fuck are you the son of the president? You're driving a bus carrying six people. He must have been the rebel of the family. Didn't want to follow in his dad's footsteps, said fuck this. I'm going to go drive the fucking Hertz Shuttle just north of Mongolia.

Is that what he did? Jesus Christ, what a fucking way to go. I'll tell you what will never always amaze me is when fucking Ted Kennedy went into that goddamn lake. You know what I mean? You think the weight of his giant head alone, I mean that guy's head was like a safe. I saw that guy, I shook his hand one time. It's a long story. Right after I shook Bill Clinton's head, I was standing standing on the side of the road in Boston and a buddy of mine wanted to go down and see it. He's like, oh, the president's coming down. Let's go look at the fucking motorcade. Me and the southern fucking friend of mine, it was a total pothead and we could give a shit. We were bleary eyed. We went down there and Clinton came down the street and he just wanted to see the motorcade.

Right as he was coming to drive by us, the motorcade dipped down this fucking alley. And then we're looking at our buddy going, yeah, that was great dude. They fucking made a left turn and now we didn't see it. And they go, nah, nah, nah, he's going there to make a speech. You'll probably be in there for like an hour. I'm going to go get a slice of pizza. You guys want anything? We're like, nah, we're good. We're good. So the dude who wants to see the motorcade goes off to go see if get a fucking slice of pizza. Me and the pothead are fucking standing there not giving a shit. All of a sudden the crowd starts going nuts. Right? Going fucking crazy. And these secret service guys were behind this police care barricades telling everybody put their hands up, keep your

hands up, both hands up, we can see it. Keep your hands up. They're like freaking out. And all of a sudden here comes old slick Willy walking up the fucking street high fiving people. Well, well his limo is driving slowly along next to him with the fucking door open and walking right behind him was fucking Ted Kennedy. So I high fived Bill Clinton when he was president before Monica Lewinsky. This is his first term, right? Soft hands. Soft like fucking, I don't know what, creepy soft fucking hands, little hands, little soft fucking baby gross hands. But he did have long piano playing, playing fingers. It was not a good experience. You can't know I didn't want to be there, right? And then Ted Kennedy can't want to high five him in the sheer size, the sheer mass

of the guy's head. I literally went Whoa, you couldn't fucking believe the fact that get that guy, his head was so big he never should have had a full head of hair. Just other this the sheer like surface area of it, that just even if he had a full head of hair, it's not gonna be a full head with that fucking head. I'll tell you right now, thank God that guy didn't go bald, man. Jesus Christ, that would have been that would have been something to look at. So I shook his fucking hand and Jesus Christ, he just looked like, you know, I know he was sober at that point, but that guy that guy lived a fucking he he lived a rough one, you know, fucking lost three of his brothers. The thing that happened to his sister had the whole

fuck crazy. And he goes in the lake, he kills somebody. Oh my God, can you imagine his fucking wife sleeping next to him? How much does that guy talking asleep? I had nothing to do with it. Give me another drag walk. Jack it down, get down. That's brutal. Anyways. So then Bill Clinton jumps in his fucking car, Ted Kennedy jumps in with them, they just fucking take off. And everybody's like, Oh my God, I can't believe it. Oh my God. And everybody just sort of walks away. And then like, all of that took maybe like 17 seconds. And then everybody was gone. And the whole fucking thing was over. It was like it never happened. And then we turn around. And here comes my buddy coming up the street,

biting into a slice of pizza and never forget he bites in. And then he like stopped mid bite and he looks around and he goes, Oh, fuck. He's like, did I miss it? He goes, did I miss it? And I go, yeah. And I go, I shook his hand. He goes, what? He came walking up the street. I shook his head. And my buddy goes, no, you didn't. And then he looks over, I look over and there's my pothead friend who's like galloping in a circle. And he's just jumping up and down as he's galloping and he's going, I shook it twice. I shook it twice. If you could have seen the look on that dude's face, he was so fucking disappointed.

We didn't even tell him about Ted Kennedy. Anyways, so there's that story. There's that story for you. So anyways, baseball season is starting up. I'm wondering what my Red Sox are going to do this year. They went out and they spent a bunch of fucking money. Yankees haven't spent any money, man. They're in a weird place right now. But I'm excited for baseball this year. I hope it goes the way it did last year. I'd like to see more Baltimore, Tampa, Kansas City, maybe Cleveland, you know, Milwaukee. I liked all those, all those fucking teams. You know what I mean? I like, I like seeing like, you know, I like to see the Padres do something, somebody different.

You know, I like what the Dodgers did last year too. But you know, it's kind of hard to be a fan of a team that goes out and blows, spends all the fucking money. I know it's legal and that type of shit, but it's just the way that they run that league. They should do it more like football, which I hope they're doing. And I hope last year was not like this anomaly. Did I say that right? I lost confidence as I was saying it. That's why I went anomaly, anomaly. Oh, good, good. Oh, the guy Clark Kellogg is going to act out a basketball shot. Thank God. Oh, here we go. Yeah. Do it in your wingtips. Now here comes the other guy. Now what you want to do is pivot here. Now you see, if you do that, that's called a travel. Like this, does anybody

learn the game of basketball right here? Like you don't fuck. Did I just say the game of basketball like a Michael Jordan? Oh, Jesus Christ. Why do they do this? Who is the person that came up with this? Like, you know, let's get half a football field in here and have these old guys get down in their three point stance. Hey, well, why can't we do that with basketball? That's what I love about hockey. They don't, they can't do it. When they go out there with street hockey sticks. It's so dumb. Why do they wear suits too, by the way? They're fucking pro athletes. Okay, just get them there in their sweatpants and t-shirts. What's with the habit dash? I, you know, something, I am like 36 minutes into this podcast. I don't think I've liked one thing

yet. This is an all time, like negative podcast that I'm putting out. I gotta say something positive. How about this? If you guys, when was the last time you visited the All Things Comedy Network? Go to allthingscomedy.com and check out all the podcasts that we have. Felipe Esparza. This week he has boxer Roy Tapia. I hope I said that right. And UFC fighter Sean, Jesus, I'm going to get killed in this one. Lofler. Lofler. L-O-E-F-F-L-E-R. We got Doug Stanhope. We got the Verzi effect. Dude, the All Things Comedy, All Things Comedy Network is the best podcasting network out there bar none. If you look at the quality of shows, Ari Shafir, Tom Papa, are you kidding me?

Harlan Williams, Bert Kreischer, your mom's house. Come on, man. We got fucking everybody on this thing. Quality control here. Just go on to the podcast network, All Things Comedy, and just start clicking on some podcasts. And I guarantee you, you're gonna have a good time. And I'll probably lose some listeners, but whatever gives a shit. As long as the money goes to other comedians, right? All right, let's get into some questions for the week here. This is the advertising. This is not what I want. All right, here we go. All right. And by the way, if you'd like to send emails to the Monday morning podcast, the email is bill at the mmpodcast.com. Bill at the mmpodcast.com. And if you'd like to follow us on Twitter, it's at the mmpodcast,

at the mmpodcast, Clark Kellogg, acting out a fucking layup. Jesus Christ. All right, Thursday afternoon, Thursday afternoon, Monday morning podcast. Here's, I've been doing those lately. I'll do another one this week. Dear Billy, overtime. Thanks for the extra podcast. My wife and I have a longer commute on Mondays and Fridays. And a couple months ago, she said, how about you write in and ask Bill if he can do another one on Fridays? I told her not to get greedy and that we're lucky the man hasn't retired yet. Jesus, am I that old? Lo and behold, you did it. And since it's the Thursday afternoon podcast, it perfectly, it's perfectly wrapped for us to listen to Friday mornings. Love you, love Nia. Thanks again, couple of commuters from Ontario.

Nice, Ontario, Canada. Are you maple leaf fans? You know, who else is in Ontario, Toronto, Ontario? Well, I already forget where the fuck is Quebec? Which province is that in? Not Quebec, you idiot. I mean Ottawa. Is Ottawa in Quebec or is in Ontario? I don't know, but I do know it's the capital and that the fucking river freezes over and you can skate to work. And I've been there. How about that? Isn't that enough for you? Well, thank you for listening. I'm actually looking at a Toronto date possibly in the fall. It all depends. I got a little bit of acting work. All right. Oh, Billy Shakespeare was going to do possibly another movie or two later on this year. And oh, I want to thank everybody who went out to go see Zombevers. Please continue to see it.

Got a lot of hilarious emails about it saying that it was funny. It made fun of zombie movies and had respect for it. And they actually jumped like three or four times was legitimately scary. A lot of nudity in it, you know, old school fucking horror shit. Once again, directed by Jordan Rubin. Stand up comic that I started out with a long time ago. So that always helps that helps me out, you know, shit that I'm in does well. So thank you guys for checking it out. And if you don't get a chance to check it out in movie theaters, please download legally. So you can see more movies about rodents and farmats that turn into zombies. By the way, I watched it again, you got to see Sam Rockwell and Moon. I swear to God,

you got to see that fucking thing. I'm not a big sci fi guy. And it was so good. Nia and I were actually saying that we want to watch more sci fi. So if you have some good sci fi, am I slowly turning into a fucking, what does that, what does that think Comic Con? Am I gonna be one of those people? I'm already dressing up like drummers and shit. What's the difference between that and dressing up like Spock? I don't know. All right, woman in the warehouse. I love when I get letters from females. I never get them on this thing. Okay, woman in the warehouse, dear Bill, I'm a 27 year old lady. And I work in a warehouse in Philly. Hey, good for you. I used to work in warehousing. It's one of my favorite fucking jobs

I ever had. And I always said that if I wasn't going to get older and I wasn't going to turn 30 someday, I would have stayed there forever because it was such a fun fucking job. It was physical, you got a good workout and everybody that worked in the warehouse was either a class clown, a struggling musician, a fucking drug addict. It was everybody was a character out there and they were all fucking hilarious. I loved I never understood wanting to get into the carpet area and get yourself a little Michael J. Fox. You know, what was that sitcom he's family ties dressing up like him with your goddamn loafers, you know, acting like you're in there making decisions, the decisions have been made for you. You know, you go when you sit in your little half a fucking office and you

act accordingly. He says I she says I work in a warehouse in Philly it involves some manual labor and I like it. It's just part time as I'm getting my masters in English. What are you working at UPS? That was the big thing back then $8 an hour to fucking work harder than you'll ever work in your life unloading those trucks. Fucking thing heavy as 70 boxes and then you have like an entire exhaust system. That job's a motherfucker. The guys in the warehouse are cool but they always act like I'm going to rat them to HR if I hear them make jokes about women etc. What can I say to end this any advice? Well, first of all, you're cool if you don't mind that they do it but you have to understand that's the climate right now is that if you make any sort of any joke, if you say anything

about women other than, you know, I'll tell you, it's a damn shame that more women don't blah, blah, blah. If you say anything about women, the way you say hello to any all they have to do is just say that you're making them uncomfortable. And next thing you know, they're losing their job and then they have this fucking creepy sex thing on their fucking resume sexual harassment or some shit like that. So I don't know if I hear them make any jokes about women, what can I say to end this any advice? You know what, I wouldn't get involved in it. I wouldn't get I don't know why you want to get involved in it. I don't know why you want to open that Pandora's box no pun intended. Just stay away from it. All right. Don't you're going to get them in trouble or worst case scenario,

you're going to be one of those people like, No, I'm totally cool with that. How could you say that? And then you go actually go to HR. And I'm not saying you're one of these women, but you are a woman. So you know what I'm talking about. All right. Talking about the old bait and switch with the who are there. So stay away. Don't go fucking, you know, don't go over there biting the apple. All right. The parameters have been set by a bunch of fucking people bitch moaning and complaining and people adhere to those rules. So every one of those guys by you opening the door saying guys, I don't care if you fucking talk about women in a derogatory way, you're opening a door for all of them to get fired. So it seems to me that you want to be one of the guys and you want to be cool.

So if you want to do that, then just fucking respect the fact that they're respecting you and don't pick at that scab because you're going to get them in trouble. All right. There you go. Well, that makes me God, that makes me wish I was still in my twenties again. There was nothing better than that. You worked in the warehouse all day. And once a week, you played softball against some other fucking warehouse. And at the end of the game, you are the best. We used to go to this fucking, you know, Massachusetts, like every other town just has like, you know, their place that claims they have the best bar pizza. It would almost be like a small pizza that you get at some chain thing. And we had the place where I was at, which I'm not going to say the name of

because I don't want fucking bunch of people going there. So when I go there, I got to stand in line. But we used to go to the original location. It's sense changed. And of course, people bitched and moaned, dude, all the original flavors in those old onions, ovens, right? You know, it's like, no, it isn't all your memories are there. Your grandfather took you there and you're sad. So now you're going to say the pizza doesn't taste as good. They fucking literally moved like 20 fucking minutes down the street. All right, grow up, not even that. It's like a fucking six minute drive. So anyways, we used to go there afterwards. And I was the fucking best. You worked all day, you played softball, and you just slam like fucking six beers, eat a pizza,

and then drive home because it was the fucking 80s, you know, drive home buzzed, which was stupid, but you know, and pass out, wake up and do it all over again. I always enjoy I enjoy manual labor jobs that are inside. I was I did not enjoy manual labor outside just because I would get sunburned like a motherfucker. But I did like driving around with people when they were plowing, plowing, plowing driveways, and going out and shoveling snow. But you really fuck up your back. That's how Larry Bird same thing Larry Bird blacktop his parents driveway. And you know, that little stupid little stick fucking handle thing that's built for a guy my size, he was like 610 bent over at the fucking ways doing that his back was

never the same. But whenever you hear that shit, I don't know, makes me happy that I have a job where I don't have to fucking lift anything. You know, it's funny, I was making fun of Bill Clinton's fucking soft hands. I have soft hands. The only calluses I have on my hands at this point is from doing pull ups. Oh, Billy soft hands. All right, repeat television. Hey, Bill, I watch TV like every other American and citizen of the world. I watch a lot of Seinfeld and Simpson reruns. I was wondering what shows you wrote shoes, what shows you're able to watch over and over again. Also, what shows could you watch as a kid that were before your time? Oh, what that I was not mature enough to watch, or we're groundbreaking.

That's a great question. Let's see what shows can I watch over and over and over again? The Simpsons, you already said them. Let's see, you know what is there's not a lot of them. Because I really got into sports, you know, in my teens. So I used to watch family ties. I would watch. I would watch Cheers. I tried to watch the Cosby show. But I couldn't stand his wife on the show. When she would do that stupid joke where she knew, well, clear, it's going to do this and then clear up and clear up. I hated the thing. And then I hated that overly cutesy shit he would do with the kids like it was a Jell-O commercial. But I did like the show when I would actually give it a fucking chance. I liked the show. But I don't know. There was such

goody-goody. It was like the fucking Brady Bunch. I just can't get into that shit. It means as goody-goody as Family Ties was, I at least liked that Michael J. Fox character was kind of a dick. He was like a Republican, which I thought was different. I know that was probably another awful one. I can't remember. I would say, but the shit that I actually go back and watch was just all shit from my childhood. I'm like, I'll watch an episode of Chips. Now I love watching Chips whenever it comes on because I live in LA now. So I try to guess which highway they're on, which one they're filming, which one they're filming on. I'll watch Charlie's Angels. I guess that was ahead of my time. I will watch Charlie's Angels. Beretta, which was considered really violent,

Swat the Rookies, $6 million Man. Those are all the show Happy Days. It's probably the one Cornball one that I watched. And then I would watch reruns of the Monkees. I saw every episode of the Monkees, every episode of the Brady Bunch. And then I watched all the Westerns. Bonanza, Big Valley. What's the one where the guy would fucking, the rifleman, this stupid son, you still always call him paw. He used to drive me nuts. The fucking dude would cry like every fucking three episodes. I couldn't stand him. Batman. Jesus Christ, that wasted a lot of fucking time, didn't I? Yeah, mostly shit back then. But then in the 90s, I started doing standup in like 1992. So I never

even really saw Seinfeld. I just remember hearing about it by 93. It blew up and everyone was talking about it was on the cover like Rolling Stone and shit. But I didn't really watch it until it came into reruns because then it came on during a time where I could actually see it. What do I watch now? I watch Archer. I watch Last Man on Earth. I don't know. Now TV watching is different now. It's like you go on Netflix and you like binge watch. Like I still haven't started Better Call Saul. And I know that, you know, maybe next week when I go on the road, I'm going to watch the pilot episode in the second one. I have every other one taped. What happened to me was that show started when I was overseas and I forgot to set my fucking DV. Yeah. So I got to get caught up in

that old Joey roses is in it. Joe de Rosa with a something and the something something. So a lot of people have been asking me, Hey, Bill, are you going to be on Better Call Saul? And this is what I'll tell you. If you guys keep watching, I have a good feeling that eventually, because it's a prequel, the closer he gets to meeting Walter White, at some point, I might drop back. My character might come back. That's all I know. Okay, I'm not in the writer's room. I have no idea. So if you could, if you could keep watching it, I'd appreciate it. Listen to me as I haven't even started. I'm starting this week. All right, that's my promise to you. And I'm going to keep going even though I don't like it. All right, thanks. And go fuck yourself. All right, camping. Hey,

Bill, you ever do any serious or casual camping? Is that something you think you could do? You is that something you think you could nea into? You mean talk nea into? I've gone on some fun trips as a kid and recently with friends and I'm trying to help my girlfriend to go. She's hesitant. I assured her it would be warm weather camping. There'd be swimming and s'mores and all that, all that stuff. Thoughts on camping and whether a chick should just relax for a weekend without a curling iron. Go fuck yourself. Always wanted to say that. Do I camp? No, I respect it. But I think I went camping once. I told this story before I met this chick at a college and she's like, we were going camping. I was like, well, I want to hook up with you. So yeah, I'll

go and I don't know what happened. I see how I'm out there. I'm like fucking 30. I'm hanging with these college kids. I was like, what the fuck am I doing out here? And we got hammered and nothing ended up happening. And I think I puked in a tent, which means I did puke in a tent, but I'm embarrassed. So even years later, I had to say, I think I puked in a tent. So that's my experience. I don't know. On my bucket list is getting mauled is not on my bucket list. So I'm not into like, I would go camping if I had a fucking Glock and a rifle, I would do that. But I don't like that shit where I'm sleeping in a tent, and then a bear comes up and smells my food or something, and then looks at the tent and can smell me and the tent and me become like a fruit rollup

or a burrito. Oh, Billy burrito and that thing just starts biting my head. Fuck that. Fuck that. But I do respect people that actually go out there and know how to fucking rough it and live off the land, you know, with your state of the art tents and your fucking heated socks. But as far as your girlfriend not wanting to go, why make her? Why make her she's going to be miserable, which is going to make you miserable. Why don't you just have that be the thing that you do? That's just separate time from her. Absent makes the heart grow fonder and then you guys come back together. Why don't you why don't you just do that instead of trying to trying to talk her into that shit? And I would never try to talk my wife into that stuff. I've asked her a couple of times and she

has no fucking desire on any level. She's a city girl. She does not want to go fucking being a tent. You want to rent a house by a lake, you know, with windows and doors and a fireplace, she's all about it. But you know, as far as like going out there eating beans with a knife out of a fucking can, yeah, no, she's not into that. All right, let's read the last couple of advertisers here and then we'll wrap up the thing here. What do we got here? Oh, Dollar Shave Club, everybody. All right, if you've been listening to this podcast, you may have heard me talking about dollarshaveclub.com, the company that delivers amazing raises for a few bucks a month. I know a razor that costs a few bucks delivery, a great shave also seems too good to be true, right?

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dollarshaveclub.com slash burr dollarshaveclub.com slash burr. I got to tell you, man, of everything that I've advertised, that's the one thing everybody has gone crazy for. And I have not had one bad tweet about it. Everybody has said it's awesome. So I can really stand behind that product, man. I don't know why nobody thought to do that sooner. Fucking brilliant. I do remember years ago that somebody came out with a thing that would sharpen your razor blades. So you wouldn't have to throw them out. And that thing came and went really quick. I think they got bought out by like Gillette or something, I would guess. It's like, dude, don't fucking sell that thing. You're going to cut into our profit. So they just went out and, you know, just slapped the guy in the face

with a bunch of hundreds. And the dude probably took it. You know, anyways, oh, Kansas is playing. This is my fucking team. I don't watch a lot of college hoop, but Kansas, one of my bucket list things is to go to a home game out there in Kansas. Oh, nice. I'm almost done here. I'm watching this fucking game. They're playing Wichita State. Oh, it's a little in state rivalry here. Eight to five Kansas early. Stamps.com, everybody. When you think about the best time to go to the post office, you're probably guessing before work, after work, or during lunch. Wrong. That's when it's most crowded. Everyone's going at the same time. What you need to do is call in sick from work. The truth is, there's no convenient time to go to the post office. That's why you need Stamps.com.

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autograph all of them and I will be standing out, horning myself out, selling those things after every show for my big Southern tour. I cannot fucking wait for this tour. It's why I'm getting in shape because I know I'm going to gain 10 pounds on this tour, the amount of fun that I'm going to have. And about a week out, I'm going to have a some sort of thing either through my email or through my Twitter account. You guys tell me where to go and get my dinner every night. And we want to go to mom and pop fucking places. And when they're awesome, we will not tell people about it on the podcast. We will not blow it up. We'll just send you a thank you letter. All right. Anyways, right now, use my last name Burr for this special offer, no risk trial,

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podcast. Oh, Billy Redface just checking in seeing how you're doing on payday. Oh, and once again, I know I've hyped this for two weeks in a row, but check out Sam Rockwell and moon and also check out Chris. I hate Christian later. That moon, I'm actually going to buy that on DVD. That's how much I enjoyed that fucking movie. It's, I just can't imagine how difficult that must have been to shoot, to perform and all that type of thing. It just, just an awesome, awesome movie. All right. That's it. Go Bruins for the love of Christ. Let's get that last playoff spot. And all right, I'm just babbling here. That's it. I'll go fuck yourselves. I will talk to you next week.