Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 3-23-20

Episode Date: March 23, 2020

Bill rambles about coming together, shops for boats and helicopters, and celebrity crying videos.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, March 23rd, 2020. What's going on? Are you in the future? Are you coming back, listening to this? How long did the pandemic last, man? Did it turn into an epidemic?

Is that what it is, pandemic? Pandemic is like the triple A of a disease. He's almost at the show. He's still hitting fucking dirty baseballs. Why does the disease have to be a man? All right, it's a woman. So what? You're saying we're all cunts?

Remember that shit? Remember feminism? That's the one good thing about the pandemic. That fucking all went away. All those white broads bitch-morten and complaining with their own fucking TV shows, getting awards for saying shit that other people wrote. My life is so hard. I don't know.

You know what? You know what? This is going to be a great day. I'm going to tell you why this is a great day. You know, when you just wake up with a fucking song in your head, I have Robbie Dupri's steel away in my head, you know, and I'm going to warn you, okay, you know, with social distancing and all of this shit. The last thing you need is some fucking bald, freckled cunt on a podcast, getting a song

in your head. But I'm about ready to sing it. And I'm going to tell you this song. It's so fucking catchy, especially when I sing it. It's going to be in your ear too. All right. Come on with me. Come on and hold me, but just like you told me, I woke up with this in my head, then fucking

show me what I want to know. Why don't we steal away boot, boot, boot, boot, boot, why don't we steal away into the night? I'm because there's a pandemic. Hello, COVID-19 much hashtag shaking my head. How about all the pussies during this fucking pandemic that just they God forbid they're alone with their own fucking thoughts, eating some fucking cookie dough just can't do it. Got to go hang out with their friends. She's my best friend to have to hang out with there.

You dumb fuck. She could have gone out and blown a trucker since the last time she saw you. You don't know what she does. You don't know what she's into, man. She's that close to you. Huh? How about you, buddy? You're going to be a fucking man.

You're going to John Wayne your shit your way through this shit. Are you going to be a fucking yoga studio person? We're all connected. I'll tell you what is what Donald Trump is stirring up with that whole Chinese virus. I'll tell you what, you know what, I guess we all are connected because evidently if some guy on the other side of the planet sticks his dick in some bats butt next thing you know, I can't sit out on a lake bass fishing with one of my buddies. I swear to fucking God, the left and the right, when are they just going to man up, face a

fucking problem and try and solve it without finger pointing like some douchey quarterback going back to the huddle. It's defying. What fucking good does that do? Well, that's where that came from. Okay. Is that the game we're playing? Do we think is this country, this is we're going to survive that game fucking sitting

at point and fingers as we're drone bombing weddings. We got economic sanctions against Iran so they can't even fucking help their people. Slavery, genocide, racism, sexism. Where did fucking mad cow disease come from? That came from fucking England. We call that the British disappointed cow, whatever the fuck we're supposed to call it. Can we bring about a bunch of fucking diseases, cough on blankets and then fucking give them

to Native Americans? I mean, Jesus fucking Christ. I swear to God, goddamn Republicans and Democrats, anytime there's a fucking problem, they get their panties in the bunch and they just start pointing, well, because the last person wore a blue tie and they did this and that. I remember when Obama came in office, he goes, well, I inherited these wars. I inherited this blah, blah, blah, blah. This thing, you know, he's playing video games, fucking drone bombing people at a fucking picnic.

Anyways, people, all right, there's all kinds of ira, ira, ira says evidently around the fucking world. They're in the goddamn rainforest that we're chopping down every day, we're fucking doing that. Eventually one of them's going to get out and everybody just fucking do what they tell you to do. Just fucking stay inside. Don't interact with other goddamn people.

Not being fucking selfish. Let's just all fucking come together. Right now what we should be doing is avoiding one another and then going online and trying to figure out how people who don't have money for food, we can get them some food or people who are, you know, living week to week, how maybe we can do some sort of startup or some sort of benefit that we should fucking help each other out. We just ignore the politicians who are just going to get the mouth breathers all fucking stirred up again.

You know, this is some snowflake stuff. I can't call it a Chinese virus. You know, let me ask you this, who's, you know, if somebody really looked at your life and all this shit you did, would you hold up to that level of scrutiny that there couldn't be something named after you? All right. Jesus, there's a fucking billion people. If you lived over there, you'd be eating all kinds of fucking crazy shit too.

I would imagine, I imagine there's some shit that we eat over here that they think is fucking nuts. There's a part of the world that thinks cows is sacred. We shouldn't even be fucking eating them and we're over here feeding cows to other fucking cows. All right. We have been the problem collectively humanity for a long fucking time because I'll tell you right now how clear is the sky right now without all those jets flying around and people

driving around, living their best lives, going down to malls, buying shit that they don't fucking need. Think about that, man. We are the guy. Did I just say think about that? Am I lecturing you? I'm sorry. Sorry.

I just, I fucking can't stand, I don't, not saying that I don't have my own fucking faults and I haven't been guilty of being a fucking meathead because I have. I do my best to try to avoid doing shit like Donnie T. is doing right now. Coming back to the huddle fucking pointing people out. I remember fucking guys used to do that. And next thing you know, they're fucking offensive line, wouldn't block for him anymore. Then you'd have to take everybody out for a fucking steak dinner, which is also a cow. Right?

Was that a steer? Well, what happens, you fucking city slickers, a goddamn bull gets up on his hind quarters and sticks his bull cock into a fucking cow. They fuck a right. If they have a woman cat, it's called a cow. They have a man. It's called a bull. They cut the balls off it.

It becomes a fucking stair. And that's where your goddamn steak comes from. I learned that when I was in Wyoming or Colorado, somewhere out there. All right. So let's, let's just, I don't think we need to name this thing and blame a fucking group of people. How come we didn't call it the French, French AIDS, the French stewardess AIDS, male stewardess AIDS?

Why don't we call it that? Hey, and by the way, maybe he wasn't French. Let me see where was that guy from? Let's find out where everything, why don't we find out right now where all the diseases came from and name them accurately. All right. First AIDS patient. April 24th, San Francisco resident Ken Horne is reported the center of disease later in

1988. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, oh, was he the stewardess? He was a student. He flew to France. Is that what it was? Oh, why isn't it the American AIDS, USA AIDS, USA AIDS? Oh, thanks a lot. Now I can't stick my dick in somebody's bum without getting fucking, um, we're animals

people. We're animals. We eat shit. We fuck shit. And, and, you know, we, we fucking, what about the baby boom generation, you know, fucking out there in Woodstocks, rolling around, fucking in the mud. They didn't, they didn't cause something. Is that what I'm supposed to believe?

What am I even talking about now? I don't know. So anyway, anyway, give it up for ESPN two that became ESPN eight, or ESPN, oh, give it up for them. I haven't been watching it, but I guess they're showing fucking dodgeball, belly flop, comp, competitions and all of this shit and everybody's going nuts like this is fucking amazing. This is what ESPN did in the beginning when they had all that time to fucking fill. It was incredible.

Um, that's a good thing. That's a good thing to check out. Um, but I'm telling you, man, this is a great time right now for you to do a bunch of things that you never did. And last time I mentioned, it's a great time to shave your head if you ever wanted to shave your head. This is a great time. It's a great time to buy a boat, buy a motorcycle, a classic car, something in aviation.

This is a great time to buy. It's a little parasitic, but that's how it works. That's how the game is played. If you squirrel away, you're not stirring the good times when the shit turns down and everybody out there was living like the new Johnny Bravo as they did on the Brady Bunch, you know, walking around with your fucking sexy goddamn shirt. So your step sister wants to bang you or maybe even your step mother, right? Hey, this shit happened, man.

This shit happened on the Brady Bunch. Maybe they created a fucking disease on that goddamn show. Greg, baby, banging fucking Mrs. Brady in real life. Barry fucking Florence. Oh, Barry. Oh, Florence. Oh, Jesus. Um, anyway, yeah, this is this is the fucking time you don't buy a boat.

During a virus free, booming economic time, which by the way, that's a big fallacy. By the way, everybody was saying that the economy was booming. The economy was booming before, before this bullshit fucking happened. It's just like, how many fucking times are you going to ignore how much money we're spending on these never ending fucking wars? And how many fucking times are you going to let these fucking banker cunts, these fucking banker cunts create a new real estate, some sort of fucking bubble. It's a bubble people.

We were living in a bubble. It's the fucking high end, uh, luxury apartment rental buildings going up on every other fucking block, which is all our money, which is all our money. And there's a finite amount of people from China and Russia that have so much money that they need to wash it by fucking, you know, buying one of these goddamn condos. And then once that happens, once that runs out and the cranes is still building, the whole thing topples down again.

And then whoever's in office, red tie or blue tie gets blamed. And then the bankers start a new fucking scheme. I know all of this shit because I skim read a couple of articles. This is why you should be listening to me and not the people on fucking CNN and Fox, right? Anyway, um, it's really just nothing to talk about. Is there this is just when this is when you separate the men from the boys.

By the way, how fucking brilliant was it since the beginning of podcasting that I never had a guest? All right. So my show has not changed at all. Everybody else, all my compadres out there, they're all like, Oh God, can you Skype into this? Can, can you Skype into that? What's the fucking password?

Not all freckles, all freckles sits here in his jam, jams and did it. Does it like he always did it, right? Like that old guy who never sold out to McDonald's and kept his own fucking hamburger recipe and then got buried by McDonald's anyways. You know, then they made a documentary about him and people like, wow, that's pretty fucking cool, but he guy still dies penniless. Um, I still been drumming actually have, I have so much fucking free time now. I don't really, because I got my kid, um, but we've been playing, uh, dude,

she's a lefty, she throws right, but she bats left. She's a lefty in the lineup and she's fucking crushing it. She got the T ball going, you know, she's so goddamn cute. She keeps saying, she goes to me, she goes, dad, I want you to take me to ball game. I'm like, you want to go to a baseball game? She kind of looks to me, I want you to take me to ball game and I'm thinking, and I'm like, you want me to take it? And I realized she heard that song, take me out to the ball game.

So what she's really saying is she wants me to sing the song. So then I got to go take me out to the ball game. Take me out to the crowd. I made some peanuts and crack at you. I don't care if I ever get back, right? I do the whole fucking song and she's pretending to swing a bat. I'm pretending to swing a bat the whole time. I guess she saw it on one of her little kids show things.

And the best part is when I go for it's one, two, three strikes. She swings the bat each time. The big smile on her face. It's the cutest damn thing ever. So, uh, and she's fast. She can haul ass. Definitely did not get that for me. She got it from a mother.

Yeah. Nia, you were always fast as a kid, right? Hello. Anyway, yeah, she got the speed. She got the speed from, from, uh, my lovely wife. And then she got the lefty thing from me because I'm left. I'm weird. I'm all over the map.

I play guitar left-handed. I drum right-handed. I write left-handed. I can do tools either, either way. But I think I do, I do all sports right-handed. Although I kind of switched to left-handed when I fucked up my shoulder, my right shoulder. But now my right shoulder is good. So all the shit I learned with my left shoulder, I'm going back and relearn it with my right.

I'm a fucked up dude. All right. I'm a fucked up dude. But let's get, let's, let's look up some shit. Let's look up boat for sale. Boat for sale. Look at that. I'm, I get a fucking 60 square foot, whatever that means.

27 foot sailboat for 1300 bucks. A luxury yacht for $344 and 99 cents. How about an abandoned, dilapidated ship for $10 and 85 cents? I mean, these deals did not exist. Look at this guy, 62 foot yacht. All right. Now in the yachting world, I learned this when I was in the French Riviera. Ooh, what a fancy man.

I was in Saint-Tropez, smoking Cubans. Get inside you pasty freckled fuck and smoke your cigar. You're unsightly. I learned over there that when the yachting world, it's a million a meter. And let's see a meter is a little more than a yard. If I remember from my childhood. So three into 62 goes in there. We'll see two times.

So that should be a $20 million boat, right? Roughly, and this guy's dropping this thing for 4 million bucks. Now I'm sure it needs some new spark plugs, the Illuminati spark plugs, right? This thing was $4.3 million. It's now down to 3.95. And I'm going to tell you right now, that is not a fucking yacht. Titan yacht, 62 foot sports fish. Effie Mae from Downey yachts.

That's not a yacht. That's, that's, that's one of those fucking ones that have fat white guy with a big red face buys. And he goes out there with his son, you know, and they take pictures. They're holding up the fish right before the guy. He fucking gets a fatal attack, a gout, you know, from just living a great life. I always liked those big fat fucking white dudes with the red faces that owned a boat. You know what I mean? Both people are fucking cool.

You know, motorcycle people are cool. People that like guys that fucking still have a toy, a guy that can be married. I got to say this quietly. So I don't fuck up my life here. A guy that's married and still can go out and buy a toy like that. You know what? I love when I see that. I'm like, that guy has his woman in line.

All right. He's either fucking married and he's still calling this. He's crushing it so hard that she can't say no to the boat. She can't say no to the fact that he liked that new Indian motorcycle and he went down and ordered that fucking custom fucking paint job. He's crushing it so hard. Right? Or maybe he's like that Brad Pitt character.

Right? He doesn't need a woman. You know what I mean? He's just been fucking once upon a time in Hollywood. Anyways, this, you can get a 62 foot sports fish F.E. May from Downey Yachts for 3.95. I don't know. It used to be 4.3. I have no idea what a fucking boat's called.

Let's take a look at this fucking thing. Huh? This thing just reeks of fucking shadiness. They just showed us showing the thing fucking tooling around. I don't see anywhere where you're inside the boat. I don't like this. You know what I would do if I ever bought one of these boats to... Ooh, look at that.

Nice king size fucking bed. Sit down there praying to God in the middle of a fucking perfect storm. If I fucking lived down there, man, I would fucking... No, if I ever bought a boat, the first thing you got to do is you got to get a... You got to get a fucking buddy who's a cop with a dog sniffing... With a dog sniffing... A drug sniffing dog. Dog sniffing dog.

They all sniff dogs. All right? The Ivy League dog can find cocaine. And I'd say get this fucking thing on this goddamn boat. And find out if there's not an extra kilo of something hidden somewhere. Because I don't want to get pulled over by the Coast Guard. You know? And take the fall for whatever this is.

Or when the fucking Diaz brothers show up. Fuck the fucking Diaz brothers. When they fucking show up. Then they'll lost fucking kilo. I don't need the shit. That's the number one thing you got to do. I wonder if fucking helicopters have gone down. Now let's do a little fucking dream shopping here.

During a fucking pandemic. What about those fucking senator cunts? They find out what was going down. They pulled their money out of the stock market. You know? So pull your money out. And then an hour later. Wait an hour.

And then fucking give us the heads up. They don't even do that. Dude, I'm telling you right now. All of these fucking support the troops. Fucking... They're all full of shit. When the shit hits the fan, it's every man for himself. Which is why what I'm trying to do is here on this podcast.

Well, what I'm really trying to do is fill up this hour. Who's kidding who? But other than that, I'm trying to fucking get people to come. This is a time to come together. This is not a time to shit yourself. And start taking advantage of your fellow man. Grab two handfuls of that rope. And you pull in the same direction as everybody else.

Fuck these fucking leaders. Scare in the shit out of everybody. Fuck these news 24 hour news programs. Scare in the shit out of everybody. Fuck these fucking politicians. Who just want to call it a Chinese virus and all of that shit. Fuck all of that shit. We're all in this together.

All right? This is not a time to start some Hatfield and McCoy shit. So fuck everything that they're saying. All right? Everybody just fucking stays in. Chills out. We do whatever we can do to help out people who don't have food or fucking money. Let's spend your energy rather than freaking out.

Figure out how to help somebody. All right? Without getting contaminated. What you had to say? That's an easy thing. All right? Helicopter for sale. You could fucking shave your head.

Change your name. Walk around in women's clothes, whatever. This is the time to do it. And buy a helicopter. All in the same fucking day. You can just finally stop ignoring, you know, all of societies. They might just say you're just going to go fucking crazy. All right.

Look at that. A 2020 Robinson R44 for 387 grand. How many hours does it have left on it? Oh, it's in Florida. Fuck that. God knows what that fucking idiot did with that thing. Fucking yanking the shit out of it. Fuck you.

2020 Robinson R44 clip or 444,000. These things haven't really come down yet. To 2013 R66 for 725. 2004 ends from 280 FX shark. I never even heard of that. Oh, there it is. Oh, there she is. 1997 McDonnell Douglas.

600 N. That's one of those fucking Magnum PI ones. They want $775,000 for it. You can get a bell. 1965 bell for 47 G for 80 grand. I know 1965. Don't worry. The parts are new.

Right. That's what they tell you. The parts are all brand new. 775 or best offer. It's got the fucking no tar system. I'm back to the McDonnell. McDonnell Douglas six and look at this fucking thing. It's on trade of plane.com.

Let's see what she has. She's fucking red like my goddamn. But beard used to be. Oh, let's see the audio. Got the glass cockpit. The no tar system so you can land in Santa Monica without all the rich cunts complaining about how fucking loud it is. Dude, this thing is like period blood red though.

It's kind of cool. So everybody will see you when you're up in the sky. You know, that's a great thing if somebody runs into you up there and you both fucking crash and live. And you get to be like, how the fuck did you not see me? Oh, five bladed main rotor system. Where are the seats in the back? Jesus Christ.

Were people skydiving out of this fucking thing? Oh, it's got an analog fucking. Analog gauges. I like analog gauges. I'm trying to get into the glass cockpit, but they sleep. They don't know. I'm not going with computers and shit. Oh my God.

Oh my God. Look at that. Look at that right there. If you got money, this person's selling. I would wait. You know, now you got to play the game. Like how long do I wait? I love those fucking, they got these things, these wire cutters

on the front of the goddamn telephone line cutters in the front of these fucking helicopters. Do you ever see a helicopter, right? And it's got like these two, like fucking triangle, like sharp things, one on the bottom, one on the top, allegedly. So it says you're cruising along at about 90 knots and you hit some those high powered lines, which kills more goddamn helicopter pilots than anything.

If you hit one of those things, allegedly, rather than the fucking wire going through the fucking, you know, windshield, whatever the fuck you call it in aviation, it fucking decapitating you or just slicing you in half, you know, through your torso. It just slides up the windshield, hits that thing, and it cuts it. Geez, I imagine if it does that, I can't imagine how many fucking people are sitting there

waiting for you to land. How much money you owe the state. I should fly it around to show it off. And you're like, ah, you fucking cut the thing in half and then all the lights below you just go dark. And now you went from fucking VFR, there's no moon. Now you're in IFR and you fucking survived the goddamn wire. And now what the fuck do you do?

You got to go, you got to fucking get some altitude, try to get high enough up to get beyond the blackout you just caused. Jesus Christ. Now that's a fucking situation. Yeah, but look at this. 2020 Robinson R66. This guy, who sells the fucking 2020 other than Robinson? Florida Suncoast helicopters.

They're just dropping, you know, because nobody's going down there. Nobody's going down there. See people? So there are some deals to be had out there. It's everybody's hoarding toilet paper. You know what I mean? You could be flying around in your own helicopter for a goddamn deal, shitting out the side, right down into a supermarket parking lot.

Now this is the kind of fun that can be had people if you don't just focus on the negative. All right, speaking of trying to help people out. All right. Back in the day, when I was young, I'm not a kid anymore, but sometimes it's the word. I used to do all of these gigs down in Rhode Island. This comedian and local promoter, John Perrata,

what's going on, brother? John Perrata, Billy Burrow is going on, brother. I got a room for you. And he used to fucking book Perry Winkles and all of this shit down in fucking Rhode Island. It's going on, brother. Well, he has a son named David Perrata, and he wrote a fucking bestselling book called Conversation Casanova. Do you need some reading?

Would you like to hit the ground running, you know, and start crushing some ass when it's close, when it's okay to get close to some ass when this whole pandemic is over? Well, I can't recommend David Perrata's book Conversation Casanova, which you can get on Amazon. Conversation Casanova, how to effortlessly start conversations and flirt like a pro. It's got four and a half out of five stars.

All right? Good enough for a gold medal when everybody's doing the Triple Lindy. So check that out if you get a chance. Well, how much is it, Bill? How much is this going to fucking dip? It's fucking $4.99. That's the Kindle price. You save 10 bucks. It's 15 bucks.

All right? You know, maybe you're a shy person. See, maybe you like this fucking being quarantined in this type of thing, but you know, it's time for you to come out of your shell. You're going to come out, you know, you're going to have your fucking sexy clothes on. All right? When your neighbor who is getting all kinds of pussy dies from this fucking disease, you wait a few days, you go in, you take his clothes.

All right? Now you got the clothes of a pussy getting guy, but you don't have the fucking rat, man. Well, you get this fucking book and you have it. See, there's all kinds of fucking advantages here. Oh, by the way, the wild animals are reclaiming fucking territories. Everybody stays inside. Somebody sent me a video. There's one mountain lion in Los Angeles.

All right? And that thing, you know, if you live, I don't know where it is. It's in one of these, the Hollywood Hills somewhere around here, but somebody had video, a buddy of mine, his friend had like this video camera set up, you know, like a security thing. And when I tell you this fucking cougar, this mountain lion just went right by, like he had like a sliding glass window. He lived on like the second floor of an apartment building.

And this thing just came walking along, you know, locally, just like, you know, little house cats will run along the railing of your balcony. That's what this fucking thing was doing. It just came walking by. I always feel bad for like those fucking little dogs and shit that get caught by, you know, the coyotes and stuff. You know, I saw this video one time, man. I felt so bad for this little dog.

It was sleeping and the cougar came up and it doesn't quite know what a dog is. So it just kind of fucking swiped at it with its paw and the dog woke up and it was the little fucker, man. I feel so bad. He was trying to be brave. He was trying to bark at it, but it was just too scary. It was over in an instant though. I was just walking.

I was like, that was it. Okay. And I got a lot out of that. I was like, if that fucking thing got up and had its man bark and charged the fucking cougar, I think the cougar runs away for it's weird. Those big fucking cats, man. You can freak them out easy and aggressive move, especially when they're coming up and they don't know what the fuck you are.

You know, you got like a belt on and a fucking collared shirt. Then, you know, wearing a fucking Bose noise canceling headset. They don't know what they're eating. It's like, it looks like there's some meat underneath all of that. And you just make a fucking, you know, you got that one move where they turn tail and then you got time to run back to the Land Rover. Right. You got that one fucking moment if you don't shit yourself.

You make an aggressive move and you just cause them for half a second to be like, wait a minute, what the fuck is this thing? And then by the time they figure out your fucking running again, hopefully you're back in there and you can put the windows up. Aren't there guys on the, on the interweb doing that shit? I mean, God damn it. These fucking people around the world eating goddamn grasshoppers and shit. I'm just sitting out here on the property trying to have a good fucking time.

We're all fucking connected. Guys out there eating a fucking flying rat. Anyway, once again, shout out to all the doomsday preppers who was, they were fucking ready for this shit. They got cans of fucking beans to last forever. I have a way to solve the economic problem too, by the way, by the way, by the way, by the way. But it would involve the bankers being generous. You know, I don't understand why politicians don't just pressure bankers.

Put them right on the, because they'll fucking give them a convertible ride in Dallas. We all know how that goes, right? This is, this is what you do. All you do during this fucking pandemic, because nobody can work for the most part, except potential people, right? This is what you do. You just act like the world economy is a video game. And we all hit pause because we had to get up and take a shit or go make a fucking sandwich. All right, so let's say this thing lasts from March to May.

All right? In May or in June, when the whole thing starts back up again, you get to go back to work. You just make, make your next mortgage payment like it was March. It's just called June now. And we just, we just, these last things were on pause. Everything's just on fucking pause. And that's the smartest thing these fucking bankers can do so they don't get caught. Because we all know that all of these economies are nothing more than elaborate at the highest level Ponzi schemes.

And Ponzi schemes all work until the fucking wheels stop turning. And once the wheels stop turning, it just needs forward momentum. It just has to keep rolling along. Everybody's buying the deal. Everybody thinks that they put the money in the bank and it's still there and they still have their fucking, you know, I look it up online and I see all those numbers so it has to be there. That is the best move these fucking bankers can make. You know, they're not, hopefully they'll fucking do something like that.

You know, that's the thing. When you run in a scam, as long as it's moving forward, everything's fine. When you stop the whiff of your own shit overpowers everybody and then they know what you're doing. It reminds me a long time ago. I don't know if this is a true story, but I was in between LA and New York and I got rid of my LA apartment. I was like, fuck this man, I'm going back to New York. I should have just sold everything, but I held on to a car out here and a couple other things because I wanted to have a car during pilot season. There used to be a thing called pilot season.

And it was funny to come out here to do a bunch of reads for a bunch of acting work that I didn't even want at that point in my fucking career. So this lady down at the storage unit told me that, you know, this where I was leaving my car in some of my shit, that this was a chain, this storage shed, and that they had had a deal at one of their other storage sheds. There was a guy who used to come in like every other day and he had a big giant storage shed. He had a freezer in there and all of this type of shit, right? Well, the guy ends up having a, it was on the second floor. The guy ends up having a fucking medical issue, heart attack, cancer. I don't know what happened.

He lives alone, has no family, right? He fucking goes to the hospital. He can't make his payments. So they shut off the electricity in the fucking freezer that he had. And then this fucking odor came out of him. They opened it up and he had like fucking dead bodies and shit. And he killed, I forget if we killed, I don't know who it was. I was going to say it was his family, but I would think people would notice that his family was gone.

They would investigate him and then they would figure out he had a fucking storage shed. And when they had a freezer in there, imagine being that cop. And there's a fucking giant goddamn freezer big enough to put a fucking elk in there like you Joe Rogan, right? And then you fucking lift the, lifting that top up. Oh God, what a fucking job, man. What a job. Just seeing the fucking worst in people. All right, let's, let's read some advertising here, everybody.

What a way to go into advertising, you know, after I got you all excited to buy a boat or a fucking motorcycle. So I'm like, how good did the fucking Indians look? And this is a great time, a great time to ride a fucking motorcycle. Great fucking time. Legal zoom, everybody. Tech shares. That's the one thing we all have to deal with this time of year. And as a business owner, it's critical to know all your options.

That's why you should lean on legal zoom. Yes, absolutely. You should be doing this because those assholes are letting you basically, you know, file later or something like that. You can always do that. The fact that these banker cunts won't have a fucking heart. You know what I mean? How about we just hit pause? Nobody owns anybody, anything until this fucking thing's over.

And then we just start with, there's no interest. There's none of that shit. Everything's on pause. All right. Nobody has to pay their fucking rent. And then the land, your landlord doesn't owe anybody money. Nobody owes anybody fucking any guy. Damn money.

Just fucking chill. I mean, obviously you have to pay for your food. Everybody just fucking relaxes. You know, you just hit pause. Why can't they just do that? Oh, because they're greedy. Well, that's why you need legal zoom. All right.

Have you or anyone, you know, used legal zoom for their business? Have you received any feedback from listeners have used legal zoom? No, I haven't. Why would you ask those questions? I would have brought it up. LLCs, DBAs and S-Corps, they all mean different things when it comes to paying taxes. And limiting your personal liability. There's a lot to think about.

But with legal zoom, you don't have to worry about doing all the legwork yourself to find the right answers. They have a ton of resources to help, including their network of independent attorneys and tax professionals. They'll provide the advice you need to ensure you're operating your business the way you want to. And since legal zoom isn't a law firm, you'll save time and money while avoiding hourly fees. Whether you need to incorporate form an LLC or set up your business. Another way, use legal zoom to maximize your business potential and make your account accountant happy. Go to legal zoom.com today to get your business on the right track for 2020 legal zoom where life meets legal. Oh, look who's here.

Classic. But do do do me undies me undies. Don't fucking breathe on me. Do do do do me undies me undies. You sneezed and now I can't see. Thanks a lot for fucking that bet. Now all the old people die. And you, if you're fat, because it's a pandemic, but you want to look good when the coroner picks you up.

It's a me undies. All right, why would you need an undie membership? Honestly, because it's fun. It's an easy way to give yourself your future self a present each month. A membership with me undies is full of perks like site wide savings, early access free shipping and new ridiculously soft undies delivered to your door each month. Building your undies collection makes your adult life just a tad easier. More undies equals less laundry. It's science.

Yeah, but it's more fucking space taken up. You know, just buy some undies. I mean, I don't know. Anyway, you've probably heard me undies are the softest undies to ever grace your nethers. The nether regions. That's because they're made with micro mode out modal. What the heck is that? It's a magical substance soft as heck fabric made from trees.

Yes, trees that makes your bits feel like they're floating on a cloud. And who doesn't want that? Who doesn't want elevated nuts during this time? They're designed to be the softest things you ever put on your body and offered in a range of sizes from extra small to four XL. You can have it for everybody with a micro penis to elephant tightest of the nuts. They got the fucking softest underwear in the game. They also have lounge wear, which recently had a glow up. What does that mean?

Check out their new line of. Styly micro modal lounge wear. You can wear in and out of the house. Me undies has a great offer from my listeners for any first time purchasers. You get 15% off and free shipping. This is a no brainer, especially because they have 100% satisfaction guaranteed to get your 15% off your first order free shipping. 100% satisfaction guaranteed. Go to me undies.com slash burr.

That's me undies.com slash burr. Oh, and then we got lastly, but not least simply safe. With home security, with home security, there's two ways you can go about protecting your home. There's the traditional way where you wait weeks for a technician to do a messy installation that costs a small fortune or there's the other way. Simply safe. Simply safe is everything you need in homes in a home security system. It's an award winning protection, two time winner of CNET editor's choice award. You got to get this shit.

Okay, especially now we don't know where this pandemic is going. You want to know who's outside your house. All right, you don't want to shoot your aunt in her fucking titties when she just came over for a cup of sugar. Simply safe blanket your whole home in safety. You get comprehensive protection for your entire home. Outdoor cameras and doorbells alert you to anyone approaching your home. Entry, motion and glass break sensors guard in size. You barely notice it's there, but what's truly remarkable is you can set up this system all by yourself.

Anyone can do it. It takes 30 minutes to an hour tops and there's absolutely no trade-offs to your safety. You'll have an army of highly trained security experts ready to dispatch police to your home at a moment's notice 24 seven and it's only 50 cents a day with no contracts. It's why the verge calls simply safe the best home security system. Go to simply safe s i m p l i s a f e s i m p l i s a f e dot com slash burr in the summer time. Remember that? Go to simply safe dot com slash burr today and you'll go get free shipping and a 60 day risk free trial. You've got nothing to lose.

Go now and be sure you go to simply safe dot com slash burr that simply safe dot com slash burr. You remember that? That old commercial f r i e n d l y take friendlies home in the summer time. Used to go to friendlies and buy their fucking nuclear green mint chocolate chip ice cream. I remember a time when fucking mint chocolate chick ice cream was the color of the mint leaf. Instead of the all natural words how at why is it that like 90% of men their favorite ice cream is mint chocolate chip? You know, I like mint chocolate chip and I like fucking Oreo cookie. All right.

Oh, who's getting vanilla Swiss almond? You know, but my one of my favorite ones ever those those fucking to cook those two cunts up in Maine. What the fucking Eddie and Larry Ben and Jerry. Ben and Jerry, they had a limited run. I'm going to look this up. I bet somebody's fucking selling this for a song. I mean, why don't we steal away? You want to hear the new lyrics to that song?

Keep your distance. Get the fuck away from me. I don't know if you got the disease. Why don't you stay the fuck away from me and my family? All right, Ben and Jerry's Ben and Jerry's bump bump bump bump Ben and Jerry's raspberry coconut. It was the best fucking ice cream I ever had. Ben and Jerry's raspberry gone coconuts frozen yogurt go fuck his frozen yogurt should be fucking illegal. Jesus Christ.

You have a fucking run into somebody and you think you know them and then they turn out to be somebody else. That's the fucking ice cream bird. That's what fucking yogurt frozen yogurt is. What a fuck is it? Wait a minute. Was it frozen yogurt back in the day? This was like 20 years ago. Best and worst Ben and Jerry's flavors ranked.

All right, Ben and Jerry's recently brought online ice cream shopping to their website. How did they keep it frozen? All right, hang on a second is Ben and Jerry's cookies and cream cheesecake core. Bold idea, but way too sweet. Ben and Jerry's boom. Chocolata cookie core. Again, good idea, but too much core. Ben and Jerry's vanilla solid, but not exciting.

I mean, just look at the description of it. That's how spoiled we are in first world countries. It's only vanilla. You know, you didn't melt a Hershey bar and stick some cookie dough in there with some cheesecake. I mean, what that's not ice cream. All right, let me get to the goddamn reads for this week. All right, crying celebrities. Hey, Bill, you see that video of the celebrity crying to his Instagram because he felt bad for what the world was going through?

No, and I'm glad I didn't. I'm really glad I didn't. Oh my God, I got to watch this. Oh, Jesus Christ. Is it going to be celeb? I got to see this. Oh my God. Why would you tell me this exists?

Celebrity cries. Video. That'll be a zillion videos. About pandemic. Josh Gad shares video of himself crying to let people know. I love Josh Gad. I don't want to watch this guy crying. That it's okay to cry.

Oh, boy. People don't send me this shit. I love, you know, Josh Gad did a fucking TV show with Billy Crystal. It was it was such a fucking great goddamn show. The fuck was it called? Hang on a second, I got to look it up. You know, this is actually a bad thing. Maybe if you guys watch it, they'll fucking reboot it.

Josh. All right, hang on a second. The fuck out with Josh. Gad. Billy. Crystal. Okay, okay. The comedians.

How hilarious is that? I'm a fucking comedian. I could remember it was called the comedians. They were so goddamn amazing. The writing was so fucking great on that show. I still can't believe that there wasn't an uproar that that got taken off and they didn't bring it back. That was such a fucking. The episode where the two of them meet each other,

neither one of them wants to work with each other, but they're both in this point in their careers where they need each other to do a fucking show. They have this total show biz lunch. And then this afterwards is they're both driving away. Talking to their fucking agent saying what they really felt was just fucking. It was a fucking amazing show. Anyway, I have to reason why I don't want to, I don't want to see this guy.

I don't want to see another man cry. I just, I can't, I can't handle it. All right. I don't have the emotional maturity to handle it. So God bless him that he can do it. All right. Hey, Billy, you see that video of a celebrity crying to his Instagram because he felt bad for the world, what the world was going through.

Why broadcast that? If you want to even have the conversation about how famous people can help, how about we start with not crying? He puts in quote, put our weakest feelings forward. Is that how you want to play it? I'm not even saying crying is weak. I'm just saying broadcasting your pain, thinking it's going to make someone else not alone as little Jimmy Norton would say, yuck.

That just reminded how much I miss Jim Norton. I used to see him at least five days a week back in the day. You know, even right through Opie and Anthony, I used to see him all the time. Now I'm lucky if I see that guy two, three times a year. What a fucking comedic mind on that guy. Now you're going to make me cry because I miss Jimmy. You know, people can do what they want to do. I mean, I think a lot of your reaction has to do with your feelings about crying,

but I definitely get it. All right. This crying video for you is watching me and my president is just sitting there shitting himself, fucking playing the blame game like some fucking chick. I didn't mean to. China started it. It's like, dude, come on, man, I need balls of steel here. I don't need you fucking blaming people.

I mean, he's acting like the owner of the fucking Baltimore Colts. You lost the playoff game. Boo hoo. Get a better team. Come back next year. You fucking pussy. We're doing our own investigation. Oh, Jesus.

By the way, I have a conspiracy. I don't think China started this fucking thing. All right. I don't think China started the fucking Corona virus. You know who I started? Think started the Corona virus. Okay. I think the NFL started it.

The NFL started it to destroy the XFL. All right. I know a lot of you guys are rolling your eyes, but all you have to do, you got to do a little gum shoe work here. Who stood to profit the most? The NFL, look at the NFL. The NFL got the play there whole fucking season. The NBA had to shut it down.

NHL shut it down. MLB shut it down. Golf shut down. XFL shut down. When did we finally take the Corona virus seriously? How about three weeks after the Super Bowl? When do we do to come out of our houses right before the NFL preseason? I'm telling you, they started this shit because they were scared

of two forward passes behind the line of scrimmage on the same fucking play. They were like, what is this, the fucking AFL? You're going to make it more exciting than our product? We don't have enough fucking room. There are too many of these cities we're already in. They're going to eat into our fucking profits. They're not going to be able to go down to Florida and get a fucking hand job and a fucking jerk off shot.

And they fucking, that's what they did. They put it out there. They put it out there and they went to fucking China just like the NBA and they started it there because they knew that our president was a racist and he would get fucking, they needed that misdirection. And then, you know, before anybody figured it out, they sent Tom Brady to Tampa. So that became the story in the NFL. It's just a theory.

All right, right on cue. Hang in there, owners of the XFL. I love a startup league. Here it is, Bill. The Justice Department has quietly asked Congress for the ability to ask chief judges to detain people indefinitely without a trial during emergencies. Part of a push for new power that comes as the coronavirus spreads through the United States. Oh, God.

Oh, my God. Why are we doing this to our country? Are we at the end of the Ponzi scheme so they need to do this? Why would you want to do that to people? Oh, my God, am I really going to open this link? I'm not going to read this. Department of Justice seeks new emergency powers amid coronavirus pandemic. And I know what people are going to say.

They're just going to be like, well, that's just for fucking idiots who keep going outside. They're putting us all in jeopardy. Okay. And then how is that applied in the future? All right, that's terrifying. I'm trying to stay in a good mood. There's nothing I can do about that. So I'm not reading it.

Everybody else will put the link up. You can read it. Coronavirus and DNA. Hey, Billy, rusty nips. I like that one. I noticed that only celebrities, athletes and politicians seems to be able to get a coronavirus test. The rest of us seem to be relegated to a drive through deep swab of the nose. It occurred to me that the powers that be may be trying to gain easy access to our DNA profiles.

Oh yeah, dude, there's always this shit going on. In the past, we as a country have been taken advantage of when we're panicking 9 11 and the Patriot Act. For instance, what should take on it? Well, yeah, I mean, I've been preaching that fucking bullshit forever. I hope I'm wrong because there's no paperwork, no explanation of where or when someone can access it. Having said that, I hope you and your family stay safe from the virus. And the Bill Burr podcast had me dying, especially when you drank an orange Fanta. Was your ginger, Jesus Christ, you spelt it wrong.

I don't know if your ginger fetin level dropping or something. I don't know what you're trying to say there. Thanks for the laugh. Now go fuck yourself. Yeah, that's like my that's my energy drink. I love an orange Fanta with real sugar in it. Go fuck yourself like I like that. And I like root beer.

All right. And that's all you need to know about me. You see me drinking orange Fanta. That's so I can be the strongest ginger I can be. You see me drinking a root beer and that's, you know, let you know I like black chicks. My wife would say, Oh, Jesus, what do you do? Hey, Billy two bites. If you had information that someone in Hollywood was a pedophile, what would you do?

Yeah, I go, I call the authorities. I wouldn't fucking go into their house like that chicken fucking silence of the lambs trying to solve it myself. The goddamn fucking virtual reality glasses on if that's what you're thinking. Assuming you'd go to the authorities. Okay. I would. But what if you don't have actual evidence that you can turn in? Do you start making jokes about them on stage?

The podcast or Twitter? Corey Feldman seems to be having trouble getting people to care, even though all of his stories have surprisingly all been corroborated. Yeah, I don't know what I think because he's a guy that nobody gives a shit. You know, I also don't think that it helps his cause that he's dresses like Michael Jackson, you know, on the bad album all the time. I don't think that that helps either. He hasn't had a hit movie in a while. Some of the things that don't make your story real to people. So, um, which is wrong.

You know, maybe he's dressing like that. Do you dress the, you know, do you end up dressing like the person that abused you? I don't fucking know. Did Michael would be, I don't know. I don't, I don't, I don't, um, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I mean, Jesus Christ, what a topic to fucking bring up. Okay. If I had information that someone in Hollywood was a pedal, what would you do? Uh, finding evidence, then how would I know? How would I know? Um, I would be like that guy in rear window. I would just be fucking sitting there. Jimmy Stewart.

I would just be sitting there watching this fucking house. I don't know. I don't know what I would do. I mean, if there was kids over there, I would, if, if, well, first of all, I keep my kid away from that person. And then I would try to somehow talk to one of the kids, slip it into conversation. Hey, what'd you get for Christmas? Is that dude you're living with touching you in a way that you don't like?

Hey, I was just asking, but that's a fucking, that's a big question to ask. Cause if the kid says no, and then you're like, oh fuck, is he going to say it? Yeah, it's fucking horrible. But I can't tell you this. Pedophiles. Um, anybody does anything to an animal, a kid or a woman, uh, or a world economy that takes advantage of people should be executed. That's it.

Get rid of you. Um, flat earth rebuttals. Uh, dear Billy, beyond meat, burger, tits, burr. Okay. Read that better. Dear Billy, beyond meat, burger, tits, burr. Um, I've been losing my mind hearing about these flat earthers. So I want, wanted to voice some simple ways to show they are wrong.

I will start with the North Star argument during the time of the Egyptians, what we consider the North Star otherwise known as Polaris. Isn't that a bus company? Wasn't directly North. They named the star Thuben around 3000 BC and it wasn't directly North. The earth rotates on an axis like a top. And there is a procession where what we consider the North moves, uh, where what we consider the North moves, uh, through thousands of years of procession.

Thuben shifted in the sky and is now North every year. Earth's procession is slowly shifting Polaris out of the Northern position. And around 13,000 years from now, the star vegan will be the new North Star. Oh, Vega. Sorry, vegan. Oh, the old Hollywood. It's in my head. The second point I wanted to make deals with flying at high altitudes at altitudes above

30,000 feet. The naked eye can see the curvature. I fly Gulfstream five aircraft and we routinely fly above 40,000 feet and the curvature is easily seen. Um, third one writer said that there's been no experiment to prove the earth is round, but that is patently false. Over 2,000 years ago, a Greek mathematician named Arath, the furnace did a simple experiment. The simplest way to explain is that he measured the shadow that a stick casted at the exact

time 800 kilometers apart and saw that there was a seven degree difference between them, proving that the earth is a sphere. Everything you said made sense except for that. I mean, there's just this rolling hills, this fucking flat lands. I mean, I don't find what I don't fucking know. I mean, what about a mogul? If I look at a mogul and I stick a stick on either side of that, have I just proved that the earth is wrong?

I'm too dumb for this conversation. The last point I wanted to make is how we can, how we can be certain we went to the moon. When we went to the moon, we left mirrors at documented locations. That was part of the experiment, an experiment to confirm the speed of light and some other gravity tests. You can actually replicate this experiment yourself with a high powered laser and computer equipment, which was actually done on the show Big Bang Theory. If we didn't go to the moon, how come we can target mirrors at precise locations and get

returns that confirm the speed of light? Anyway, I'm too amused by flat earthers. But remember, but anyways, I too amused by flat earthers. But then I remember that they are allowed to vote and reproduce. Hopefully all is well with you. Take care and go fuck yourself. Yeah. You know, you got pilots of some of the fucking greatest people on the planet.

They really are. They just, uh, I don't know, they got this great combination of knowledge, scientific knowledge and balls. Anybody can learn that the fucking earth is flat on the ground, but the fucking getting a goddamn jet and fly at 40,000 feet with pressurized fucking air and all of that shit. I mean, that's just, it's just fucking amazing. And I cannot tell you how much I miss it. I really, really, really, really, really, I miss the whole thing.

I miss the way it smells. I miss your smell, Ron Burgundy. And when all of this bullshit's over, I'm going to get back up there. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Obviously with what happened to Kobe and everything, there was a bunch of people telling me not to do it anymore, which I understand.

But then there's also the other thing is like, you know, I wouldn't fucking fly and shit like that. I fly in clear days with no turbulence. All right. I'm a weekend warrior in 99% of the times I fly. I'm flying with an instructor. Can I just have a good fucking time? We're, you know, I'm going to tell you this right now, we're all going to get out of this

and we're all going to be, you know, you know what's great about this? This is going to really make everybody hopefully appreciate, you know, a lot of things like the way my grandparents lived through the depression. Like my grandparents had to make their American dream come true three times. They made it come true. You know, started a dry cleaning business and then the depression wiped them out and then they got it going again. And then World War two came and my grandfather got drafted or he enlisted.

I don't know. Greatest generation. He probably enlisted and that wrecked them again. And then when they came out of it, they built it back up again. And I got a lot out of my grand cause it was the, the, how complex life is now. And I look back then, you know, I read, I read this book, Blueberries for Sal for my daughter. Right.

She loves that. And one morning in Maine, those Robert McCloskey, whatever the hell his name is. I got to get his name right because he's really my, these are going to be books like someday if I live long enough, cause I'm an old dad to become a grandfather. If I ever see my daughter reading one of these books to one of my grandson or granddaughter, I'm going to put Josh Gad to shame with the tears that flow out of my fucking freckled face here. All right.

Blueberries for Sal. Blueberries for Sal by Robert. Yeah. McCloskey. Um, if you just look at the simplicity in that, and one morning in Maine, if you just look at their lives, you know, cause the, the illustrations are incredible, the stoves and just, there's no TV screens and computers and cell phones and all of that. Everything's made out of glass, metal and wood.

There's no plastic. Um, it was a much simpler time. You know, you could also fucking die from a lot of things. You can't die from now and polio and all that. I do understand that, but there, there's got to be a way to marry those two worlds because in one morning in Maine, Sal's a little bit older and now has a baby sister, Jane, and she wakes up and her tooth is loose. Spoiler alert.

Right. And blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. She comes downstairs for breakfast and then she goes out and her dad's in Maine digging for clams and just on the way, all the wildlife she sees. And this, it's just a, it's just a fucking, you know, they go to town and this guy fixes their outboard motor. It's just like local people and that type of shit. Now, grant me, you know, people are a lot more racist back then or overtly racist back

then. I don't know. Sometimes some of the shit Trump says and people don't have a problem with it and makes me think that that shit's just still out there, but I like to think people are a little better now. Um, I don't know. So my grandparents kind of lived the life like that and they had a dry cleaner, dry cleaning business and, um, my grandfather was the coolest dude ever.

He always made sure my grandmother had a new car every couple of years and then he was frugal as hell. He always drove a used car and then he was a member of the little town and they, there was a, uh, a country club down there and he was a member. You know what I mean? And they just lived this really great life. He paid for his house cash back when you could do that before, you know, all of this fucking, you know, when you could make a wage and then, you know, when I was a kid, like the milkman

had, could have a stay at home mom, stay at home, uh, wife, mother to his kids and just, um, I don't know, it was just a different time. I don't know. I don't know where the fuck I'm going with this shit, but, uh, I'm just thinking that maybe if we go through this stuff, you could maybe live a more simple life. And, um, personally, I'm trying to, as I always try to, I try to go to mom and pop places as much as I can. And I'm just hoping during this time where the big dogs take advantage of the little dogs

that when we come out of this shit, we can fucking, you know, walk around and be amongst each other again. Actually you're going to, what's the word when you go to small businesses? I know it begins with a P, whatever you go and spend your money at those fucking places. All right. All the bigger places, they're going to be fine. All right. Anyways, anyone talking about grand girlfriend doesn't like me watching sports.

Well, she got a dream because there's none on the SPN. Oh, Joe, um, dear Billy, tremendous burr. No, I guess I say tremendous a lot. I know you haven't been doing relationship advice for a while, but I hope you get to read. Oh, I would love to. Oh my God. Here we go.

Look at this. Look at this. I get to play my little fucking jingle. Come on. Play. Play. Where is it? Oh, Jesus.

I can't queue up. Come on. Hey, that's me. All right. Let's see. This person wants advice from little old me. You know, when you guys asked me for advice, I have to tell you, it's really just a humbling thing.

Yeah, listen to these guys. This fucking silly. There's a great one here. I'm getting a lot of credit by some of, uh, Andrew Themolus is, it's all Andrew Themolus, the music that comes after the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday morning, morning podcast, night moves. Uh, that song, Mexico. And listen to that great fucking band.

That's all Themolus. He knows all of that shit. So my drum teacher actually told me this band Jellyfish that put out a couple albums, one of which I've just been listening on a fucking loop and it's called spilt milk. And the fact that this fucking thing came out in 1993 with, you know, hair metal gone and then everybody was into fucking grunge and the Seattle sound and all that and that these guys put out this fucking album that sounds like somewhere between like Queen and this big fucking, um, like, I don't know what 70s rock that was put out in 1993 is incredible

and not to mention that, um, the drummer is the lead singer. So when everybody, anybody ever says, um, I'm sorry, I'm typing this at the same time. When anybody ever says who's, who's one of the best singing drummers of all time, they always be Phil Collins. They'll say Don Henley, Dave Grohl. Don't forget Marvin Andrew Sturmer, Sturmer, sorry, Marvin Andrew Sturmer. And there's an incredible live video that I will post, um, of them playing in Germany and just how this band sounds in their harmonies.

How this live that that's human beings doing this and the fact that they had the balls to put out a fucking album like this, uh, in 1993 is just incredible. Fucking incredible. So check them out if you get a chance, uh, jellyfish spilt milk and I hope if a bunch of people download it, they actually get some fucking money from it, not just the record companies. All right. So it's time for advice.

All right. Also, my throat's all dry here. By the way, I'm so psyched. I'm not smoking fucking cigars. So fucking psyched. My teeth are white again. Um, I don't have to fucking just, it's just, it's just great. It's great.

I missed the hell out of them and I'll fucking have a nice big fat fucking Cuban when this whole thing is over, but, uh, because that'll be a special occasion anyways. I know you haven't been doing relationship advice for a while, but I hope you get to read this email. I'm 21. Ah, you got your whole life ahead of you. I'm sorry. I'm drinking a little throat coat here, um, and been with my girlfriend for about a year

and a half. She's really smart and funny lady and I love her to death. She's an introvert and has, and has a very small friend circle. She always says I'm her best friend and loves telling me about her day. Our day went when she was out with other friends and I love to hear it too. Well, don't you guys just have the perfect little young love life? I'm happy for you. Oh, that's great.

Anyways, I'm a big football parentheses soccer fan and avid follower of the club, um, football club, um, FC Barcelona. Because FC stand for football club or fucking cunts Barcelona and watch almost all of their games. One day I had an interview, uh, which I blew and I forgot that there was a match going on. When I got home, it was halftime and Leo Messi scored a hat trick in the first half. Now my girlfriend came online and said she wanted to tell me about her day out with her friends, but I told her that I had to watch this match.

She had not seen the message at that time and I went to watch the match. After I returned, I saw that she was mad at me for leaving to watch the match. She says I already missed the first half and why would I watch the rest of it like it's some movie? She said she wanted the whole day for me to tell her story, but couldn't because of my interview. And then, oh, she said she waited the whole day for me to tell her to tell her story, but she couldn't because of my interview and then posted the most annoying question.

Do you love football parentheses soccer more than me? I didn't know what to say and in the end I apologized just so she would stop fighting. You just became more of a man, sir. I hate to say it, but that's part of being in a relationship with a woman. All right, you're definitely going to learn about yourself. They're definitely amazing people, but you are definitely on a regular basis. You're going to be saying sorry, not because you're sorry, just to calm their fucking emotions. Anyway, he says, but I feel like she could have been more understanding.

I always find time for her and I'm always there for her when she's having a tough time. It was a story and it could have waited 45 minutes. I love you and the lovely Nia's insight on this. Huge fan. Hope you'll do a show in India soon. Hope all three of you are doing well. Hang on a second. Hey, Nia.

Nia. Nia. You ever know when the person you're with, you know that they fucking hear you and they're just ignoring you. Nia. What? She just goes, what? Are you ignoring me?

I'm literally doing a screaming toddler. Oh, I just wanted to tell you I loved you. Fine. She didn't buy that. Well, great. Now I'm going to fight. All right. This isn't such a big deal.

I guess she just got a kind of, I guess you just have to understand with women that for a lot of them watching us watch sports is like us watching them watch the real housewives. Okay. Why do they watch it? This is fucking stupid, you know, and, you know, God knows my wife definitely, as you can see, ignores the hell out of me, but I'm a douche. So I understand. This is just so, I mean, I don't think it's that big a deal.

Okay. She had a, you know, she had a typical female fucking moment. That's where they go. You know, they need to know every day that you love them fucking more than anything else. And, you know, every once in a while that rears its insecure head. And all right, so she's a little insecure. You just, just be understanding. This isn't going to happen every time you watch a fucking soccer match.

If it does, I would just say, listen, this is something that I love. I love to do. It makes me happy. It keeps me in a good mood, which will keep me in a great mood and it actually, it actually helps our relationship. I know this is dumb. I know this has no effect on my life. It's like a soap opera.

It's a story. I watch it. There's ebbs and flows, there's ups and downs, there's an emotional roller coaster going on that I connect with and I really enjoy it. It makes me want to work out and stay in shape and look good for you. And I get inspired by watching this. I can tape the games and you know, you'll always be first, but I need to, I just, this is something that I need to do.

And I know that you have things like this in your life that are important to you. And if I'm ever trying to impede on them, I want you to tell me that because I don't want to take that from you because I love you. Say all that bullshit and then you can watch the fucking game. All right, you fucking Corona free motherfuckers. I hope you're Corona free. I hope I am too. We're all going to find out.

Hey, and I promise you, if I get Corona, do I have to fucking, if I podcast by myself through Corona, will I, will I be like fucking, that'll be like my Michael Jordan flu game, right? No, it won't bill. All right. I hope I don't get it. God knows I have done enough fucking shows while this thing was out there in packed theaters. I shook plenty of fucking hands, but I'm thinking those shows are far enough away, but you know,

I'm still post mating and shit like that. I'm doing the best I fucking can, you know what I mean? So, but I am definitely, you know, I haven't had any friends over or anything like that. So it's just been me, my, my lovely wife, my beautiful daughter. And, you know, we usually have somebody come by the house, these cleaning people once every couple of weeks. And we just said, listen, we'll keep paying you just don't come by, blah, blah, blah, blah. So they were like, cool, we appreciate it.

And old freckles for the first time in fucking years broke out the vacuum cleaner. And I'm man enough to admit, I fucking like it. I like vacuuming. I like cleaning up. And I actually think I do a fucking great job, you know, because I live here, you know what I mean? So what I do is I just sort of vacuum, you know, the upstairs one day. And in a couple of days later, I do the downstairs. And then that's it.

And then, you know, I got to get a little dust rag too. And I just figured I'm going to do one room, one room every day, because then dusting isn't bad. It's just one room, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, right? Just my little fucking thing there, right? Like learning a couple of French words. I'll just dust something once a day so everybody can do everything, right? You can fucking handle your shit there. All right, shout out to everybody who was smart enough to have a veggie garden in their

backyard, all of that stuff. People who got chickens and stuff like that. So you got eggs and everything you really did a smart, it's really paying off. Doomsday preppers. You were right. You were fucking right. Flat earthers. You know, the jury's still out as the information comes in.

Now I'm thinking it's round again. Is there mirrors up there? Can I go to Radio Shack and get a laser and then I shoot it and it fucking reflects back at me? What do you, what do you, what a flat earth is going to say that it actually went up there and it hit God's sunglasses and came back. Does Jesus wear sunglasses? He does have long hair like Jim Morrison.

Is everybody in? All right, go fuck yourselves. I'll check in on you on Thursday. Look at that. I was a doomsday prepper. I never haven't guessed, rarely haven't guessed on my podcast. I just did an hour and 22 minutes all by my lonesome. Huh?

I'm going to pet myself on the back and then fucking sanitize both my hands and my fucking my back, you know, just so I don't cross infect myself. And then you get COVID 20. All right, fuck you. I'll, I'll talk to you later. God bless America and China and everywhere else and Cuba. Take it in everybody. God bless them.

All right. Bye.