Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 3-24-14

Episode Date: March 24, 2014

Bill rambles about groups, tackling out of shape dictators and living for ever.

PASSE AND RAMADAN Traditions and customs, and there's more to it. So long as you're in the mood for a party, PASSE PRUNJ OF EFTE, chocolate eggs, Dalos in the promo, so here I hop on my bed. From everything I take two,

Noman, no-wey with the Eric. From us here we'll pass. Ramadan Mubarak. Enjoy PASSE and Ramadan with the surprising and diverse assortment of Albert Heijn. And definitely also look at the second episode on TheWerldinhetKlein.be.

That's it for Albert Heijn. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, March 24th, 2014. What's going on? How are ya?

I'm back in the United States. Oh, say can you see that fucking fat chick with the pockets buying a hot dog and set a bun right as I get off the tarmac?

And she puts on some frost. Sorry. I didn't see that. For some reason I was picturing a fat woman with the pockets that are at least a foot apart. You know what I mean? I don't know why I was thinking that. I don't know.

But I'm back. I'm in my house. It's nice to be sleeping in my own bed after three weeks being away. It's nice to see that my house is still here and that the people I love are still, in fact, not in detention camps. It's weird being away that long.

And then coming back, I'm still a little out of it, man. I'm not a young guy anymore. It takes me a couple of days to settle back into my routine. A gum in my way through some fucking grape nuts that I let soak in the fucking milk.

Toss a little banana on top of it. You know what's funny? Every time I go to get a banana, I deliberately don't take the one with the sticker on it. I take that one last because I worked with the comic who had a bit about it and every fucking night

I had to listen to do this bit about how and which one do we take? The one with the sticker. And then what would you do? You'd stick it on your forehead and you kept fucking opening with the joker, closing with it. I just heard it six times.

I'm talking like 15 fucking years ago to this day. I will not take a banana first that as occasionally I do. You know? And somewhere I hear him. See, I told you. And I'll be like, what do you mean you fucking told me?

That's like once in a blue moon. And then the ghost of his voice is going, yeah, but you're doing it on purpose. If you didn't hear my bit, you would have done it every time. So my joke's right. It's like, you know what? Go fuck yourself.

Go fuck yourself. Well, what are you doing talking in my head? Okay. This should just be me and all my friends, not you. You're not invited. All right. So fuck you and your, your theories about the fruit that I consume.

All right. All right, everybody. It's fucking March 24th. Okay. And if you live in a colder climate in the Northern hemisphere, you got to start, you got to be getting excited, right?

Daylight savings. The snow's starting to thaw. Right. The ladies are starting to hit the gym. You're going to hit the gym. Everybody's going to hit the gym. You know, here comes May.

May's right around the corner. And everybody, you know, the guy's got to get out the guns. The ladies got to show off their thighs. Everybody has to look desirable. So somehow they meet that certain someone that's just going to hold them at night and tell them that everything's going to be okay.

But that's not going to happen, right? Unless you're in shape by May. So put down those winter cookies, everybody. May is coming. April is a fucking wash. Nobody gives a fuck about April, except neo-Nazis, because Hitler's birthday is sometime in there, right?

And they all get together with their awful haircuts and their stupid mustaches, you know, because they just want to be a part of something and they had awful parents who just didn't get them into scouting. So what do they do instead? They join the Hitler youth. You know why?

Because they're weak fucking people. All right? If you have to go out and join a fucking group, you know, at any goddamn age, you know, unless it's something just fun, I guess being a neo-Nazi, it's got to have its upsides, right? The boots.

You know, getting to borrow your other fucking Nazi friends' clippers when you share off the side of your skull, whatever the fuck you do. I don't fucking... I don't want the fuck I'm talking about. You know, fuck groups. Groups can be all right.

You know, I guess they can be okay. I'm trying to think of a good group. What's a good group? Like, just a group of people that get together in a group and somehow they're not fucking annoying. I mean, there's even people out there where I agree with what they're doing,

but the second the group gets the commercial on TV and they just start going, you know, every day, over 8,000 poodles get their hair straightened against their will. I mean, they start showing the saddest footage. I start fucking hating the poodle people. I don't hate poodles.

I don't like them, you know, but I feel like they should wear their hair the way they want to. I'm definitely for that, but I don't need some fucking former sitcom star who's put on some goddamn booze of baby weight coming out the fucking screen

in the middle of the goddamn game, telling me why I gotta care about a fucking pecanese, whatever the fuck kind of dog it is. One of those goddamn dogs that you see fucking walking around in a purse, right? These fucking women walking around, never had a baby, or want a baby, so now they gotta have this fucking little primate in there.

You're my little baby. You're my little baby. You're my little lipstick. You're my little baby. Ugh. Two to the back of the head. No trial in my world. If I was running shit, you know?

And that probably seems harsh, but did I say I'd feed my naked uncle to a bunch of dogs like old fat face over there? Huh? How soft does that guy look, huh? That fat fuck over there and fucking, what do you call it? North Korea?

Is that what we're calling it nowadays? The old NK? He looks soft. You could take that guy down. You know? Call his number. A little pitch out. Run the old pack or sweep.

Your job's to force it to the inside. You know, I come in, I fill the fucking lane. You don't think I'm gonna drill him right between his fucking hairless mantits? I'll knock some of his non-earned metals right off his fucking uniform. What do you think about that? I'll do that at 45.

I'm calling it right now. Calling it right now. All right? Red gets the A-gap! Oh, shit. Anyways, yeah, so I'm back in town. I feel like I should have started a song right there, like one of those fucking Beatles songs

where all the women start screaming and yelling, you know, impregnate me! That's what they're saying. Or are they saying I'll suck it? I don't know what they're saying, but all of them are well into their fucking 60s at this point. All those fucking young women that you hear

screaming on that, I'd sell them and show you. Let's just say the media age was like, what, 13 years old? That was 50 fucking years ago. They're 63 years old at this point. You know? That's how quick it fucking goes. So that's my message to you this week, everybody.

All right? I don't have no fucking message. I'm just happy to be home. My fucking brain's all over the goddamn place. You know? It's just all over the fucking place. As it always is, I don't have any fucking desire to do stand-up

for a while. I gotta tell you, I got my fill of it on that tour. 22 fucking shows doing about an hour and a half a night in 20 days, I've had enough. I've had enough of the what's up with the fucking lamp over there, okay? I'm gonna take at least 10 days off.

I'm not doing shit. You guys know I came home. I barely left the fucking house. My wife's looking at me like I'm a psycho because I'm usually like I get home for two seconds. I throw my bags down and then I walk out the door and she'll just be like, where are you going?

And I'm just like, I'm like, I'm all fucking wound up. I just feel like I have to go out. I don't know where I go. Drive around, go fucking play drums. I don't know what I do. What the fuck do I do? Drink.

I have no fucking idea. I can tell you right now, though, I'm all in with the cigar shit, though. After my my second stop in Calgary we met like this, we went to the cigar bar

out there for the second time me and Verzi and met this character and a half that ran this cigar bar fucking great guy and he just all he has is Cubans in his in his shop

and dude, he broke down the whole fucking thing how they're wrapped how to cut the thing it'd be like if you played I don't know a sport and then like a fucking pro came in and just broke your game down to the basics

that's what this guy did and we smoked these things I'm going to say it right Partigas the number twos and at this point that's the only reason why

I would get on a fucking plane this week would literally be to fly back to Calgary to get a box of those things and then rent like a fucking Dodge Stratus one way to Boise and then jump on a plane and come back

that's the only fucking reason I do that shit I know, I'm babbling I'm all in I'm all in, I'm fucking done I got its hooks in me and I'm not complaining but the great thing is I live in the United States so I can't get any fucking Cubans

other than the counterfeit ones although they'll give you one that's hard as a fucking rock and it doesn't have a good draw and you're just sitting there like I might as well be smoking a Dutch master whatever what are you going to do? this is going to be something I'm going to do when I leave the country I'm just going to smoke fucking Cubans

and then when I come back I'm going to act like it never happened like a sex offender does whatever the fuck he does and then comes back and then you know that shit's not available here and then you just go about your business I'll just do that in a in a fucking cigar kind of way

anyways, what the fuck did I want to talk about here? but oh and once again I know I was thanking everybody for the last few weeks thank you to everybody who came out to the shows that was really a life changing tour and Canada is now in the loop and

you know when I write my next hour I'm going to do the usual tour of the states usual tour of Europe usual tour of Australia and now Canada is I'm adding I'm adding that so that's the deal

I'm just going to keep expanding the fucking circle and you know perfect I get on a fucking plane I sit there I read a dumb magazine I get off there's somebody standing there going are you the freckled cunt that's going to dance like a monkey

and I say I am your huckleberry and they say how many bags do you have and I say well I got one and they go is that your bag right there and I say you know what it is that is my bag and then when I say you don't need to pick it up it's got wheels on it's not the fucking

70's where you got to be a goddamn man have some sort of fucking forearm strength I can just carry this like a golf bag I'm one of those little wheelie things we walk to the car I go to the hotel I get a fucking burger go to sleep I get up in the morning I do the fucking radio and that night I do the show

and then I leave no boss no fucking inventory no nothing I just got to dance like a monkey for a fucking hour I got to get my fucking monkey ass there

and then I just do my thing and then I leave no bullshit no conference calls no support system no friends no anybody else it's just me alright I know it's not perfect

um hey you know what I actually do have to fucking believe it or not I do have to take another flight this week I can't fucking believe it because yours truly is getting ready to pick a theater

to shoot his next special May, June-ish I'm ready to go this hour is ready to go ready to be recorded ready to be put the fucking bed to move on to the next one and um I'm not excited about going to the airport

I'm not gonna fucking lie to you but I am excited to just fucking land and pick one I'm gonna try to pick a theater that has a combination of the vibe where I feel like I'm gonna kill in the room and of the least cunty union guys you know

that's basically how I'm gonna do it you know there's fucking union guys I'm so pro union it's ridiculous and then you get around union guys and you're like oh this is why people don't like unions you know I one of the times I came over which fucking special was

I taped at this place right and they were required to have four guys working the stage because usually bands play there and I get it okay so I gotta pay three guys who aren't gonna do fucking shit but it's like can you at least just have the decency to fuck off then go in a back room

and play cards rather than just sitting there in the chair right out in the open like look yeah yeah I ain't doing shit and you're paying me you know just have a little fucking tacked I get it it's your house your rules I'm in your world

but you know fucking unbelievable you've literally become what you were fighting I feel you know or maybe I'm just being a douche who knows you know maybe I am I don't fucking know but that's what I'm doing this week I'm gonna pick out a venue

and as always then the game plans to get the figure out roughly what jokes I'm gonna try and do and see what happens that night and hopefully I out do my last special because

you know you just compete against yourself that's all you could do um alright this is the Monday morning podcast I do one of these every single week and I'm actually recording this Sunday night which is why um

it came out a little bit earlier I usually record it on Monday mornings wherever I'm at which is why it's called the Monday morning podcast despite the fact that most people consider it well it should be during my Monday you know the typical internet cunts the demanding cunts who then have

turn around and have the nerve to look at celebrities and be like oh look at look at their diva ish behavior and they don't see the seed of it in themselves you know what I mean they don't see if they actually had their own show

that maybe they would be the cunt they never see it these internet cunts never they never fucking see it they're the same fucking people that bitch about how there's no original movies coming out while they go to pirate bay

and steal all the movies and nobody can make any fucking money so basically they're either gonna make like a low budget movie at this point or they're gonna make a transformers and if you steal it it's not gonna be as cool I guess if you went down to the IMAX and you saw the blue people trying to fuck each other

with the umbilical cords whatever the fuck that movie was what was that called Argo, it began with an A action what the fuck was that movie called god damn it I used that as a reference for like two years pucalyptu whatever it was

it was a fucking chick flick it was like if you took the smurfs and you stretched them out you know like that good times art that J.J. allegedly was painting you remember that except you did that with the smurfs and then they fucked each other and wrote a dragon I think somewhere in there there was criticism about

America's foreign policy I believe it was James Cameron, wasn't he the same guy who did the Titanic right with that chick who punched herself in the cleavage would sing that song the front of a ship alright here we go

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and can connect you with the right attorney but they're not a law firm legal zoom promo code burr fucking hilarious I had one read and I butchered the shit out of it you know it's like the afternoon hockey game right the team never fucking shows up

speaking of hockey how about those Bruins huh good lord I knew that they were on a little run there when I was up in Canada I saw a little bit of it but I was so damn busy I didn't get to watch too many of the games although I watched him kick the fucking habs ass for the nothing in their own building

um yeah I believe they've won like 13 in a row I watched the last two they look uh they look I mean they played Phoenix gives a fuck right Phoenix and for the life of me I can't remember who they played before that

because after it's over I don't fucking remember it anymore um but either way you know what I watched today and I actually if the Bruins don't get to the finals or whatever the team that I'm gonna root for this year to win the Stanley Cup

is uh is the St. Louis Blues you know they've never won a cup okay and they've had a lot of bad years and they have great fans and they made a lot of great moves and you know they got Ryan Mella

which was a strong move and uh although I gotta tell you if the way they played today against the penguins if they're gonna start doing that shit it's gonna be hard to fucking root for them you know why don't they just open up the damn game again and everybody stop fucking with this

insane goddamn defense and blocking the shots already you know I actually looked up some stats this week believe it or not I'm not just gonna just make up shit I actually looked it up do you realize Sydney Crosby for all the fucking goddamn glory they give that guy he's only scored

50 goals in a season once Patrick Kane has never done it Ovechkin I think has done it like twice and it's a fucking disgrace I'm not saying it's on them just the way the games played back in the day there'd be like 4-5 guys who get 50 goals a year for like

4 seasons in a row that was their height fucking Gretzky was getting like 90, 70, 60 it was fucking insane the guy scored like 300 goals in about 5 years and I know he's one of the greatest but I mean there was all those other guys Mike Bossy was good for 50 a year

for about 3-4 years you just never see it anymore I don't fucking get it fucking cocksuckers man bringing one of the forwards back with the defense it just gets boring after a while let them score some goddamn goals

they're trying to make the pads a little smaller I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about you know what's funny I really have nothing to talk about this week I just realized that shit because I'm not doing anything I'm not doing anything you know they finally started the construction to build downstairs

after all the fucking bullshit the back and forth the back and forth it's literally a year later and now they're finally you know they finish the upstairs room and then downstairs it was a bunch of crap you know back and forth with that shit so I finally got my insurance money back

from my mortgage company I got all of it back and for those of you in the banking system you know what that means so they're actually they're finally going to rebuild down there which is nice

I'm excited but what sucks is everything from downstairs had to fucking come upstairs and it's an absolute shit show it's depressing you know what's really depressing not that they're doing this stuff it's that I just realized how much fucking shit

and the key word is shit that I've saved over the years that I wish I never saved because now I can't throw it out I had this thing where I would fucking any stand-up show I did if there was a comedy t-shirt I just folded it and I stuck it

in a fucking plastic container and you know I've been doing it for 22 years now I have everything back from the first one I did right on through I mean I got everything Jim Norton down and dirty

with Jim Norton hoody zip up I mean I wouldn't throw that one out but like some of the other ones I have a bunch of comedy central shit and I can't throw it out because I'm sentimental but I'm never going to wear any of it it's just going to sit in a fucking container until I die so I got rid of all my cassette

tapes which was a big fucking move for me I'm a bit of a pat-rack sentimental kind of thing my next move is I'm getting rid of all my fucking CDs I'm just going to do it it's weird I get sad when I go to do it and then after I do it

I feel like this weight off of my chest like here's a fucked up thing for you when I did a a long time ago I did a gig on TV and it was one of those deals where they had like 100 comics did it and one of the things they did was they gave you

they gave you a nice piece of luggage which I always thought was funny like you know hey did the show great job thanks for burning the material like get back on the road you fucking hack because we own that material now so

that was back in 2005 and the bag they gave me it finally gave out where it was gradually ripping fuck I'm yawning here I had this flight from Newark when it was coming down the belt I could literally see my clothes in it

so I was like alright it's time to get rid of this fucking thing of course I was going to try to get it repaired and get it sewed up and my wife was like Bill why don't you just fucking buy a new one alright so I said fine so I actually took the bag over to Goodwill today with some other bullshit that I threw in there

and I had to set it down quickly and walk away so I wouldn't be thinking of like but I got that from that TV gig I did a half hour it was important to me and that bag with the gift from it like I'm a fucking idiot like that I literally walked up and I set it down

and the guy at Goodwill goes thank you sir you want a receipt and I was like no it's all good and I fucking had to run back to the car I need to get over that I got to kick some shit out of the nest I was in my garage I got a bunch of shit in there too that used to be in the place where

that flooded and I'm just looking at all of it all of the games I went to all of the programs and the hats and all that fucking crap that I got and I was just like from here on out I go to a sporting event I just keep the ticket stub

I'm not getting anything else no more fucking programs no more hats no more hankies, towels any of that fucking shit because I just save it and I never look at it I don't have a whole program from a Giants Playoff game at the Meadowlands

in 2002 I played the Vikings with some shit I never read it I didn't read it the day I got it Jim Fossil's on the cover or something the fuck you say his name he's on the cover I've never read the thing

I'm never gonna read the thing if I actually took it and put it on fucking eBay I could maybe get 40 cents for it what am I doing with it the rest of my life every time I move or get water damaged that's yet another thing I have to fucking pick up

so if you're young alright and you just moved out of your parents house and you got a little closet full of shit try to keep it at that sorry for the long pause I'm yawning here try to keep it at that alright because

it's just a bunch of shit I got old cell phones old flip phones old fucking video recording things that I used I got all these VHS tapes from when I first did stand up now I gotta try to convert those to DVD

and then what DVDs running out I don't fucking know what to do with all of it so I'm gonna get rid of a bunch of shit is what I'm telling you I already fixed my t-shirt game where because I'm a sentimental fool I don't buy t-shirts that

say anything on them anymore I just buy plain gray black red white that's it and when they wear out they're all pilly looking I just fucking toss them out that's it I don't remember where I wore them to what and then I'm good and

that's it why am I going through all of this fucking shit I also think too you know I had just as a married man now you know the marriage is going great and everything but I'm just saying you know if you ever get fucking divorced right get all your shit and get the fuck

out and if you just walk in with like one army bag and just throw like five things in there and then you're out just let it keep the rest of it who gives a fuck right do you want all those knickknacks well the voice just crack knickknacks those knickknacks

is that what you want you want the drapes the throw pillows and all those fucking egg beaters and shit yeah fuck you well they can't go to Ikea go buy a bastardized version of the fucking ridiculously nice shit that we had to buy for some stupid reason to dish out eggs

I don't give a fuck I don't give a fuck although I will tell you I don't think I could ever go back to apartment living you know once you get out from fucking living under and over people and smelling their food and hearing their

arguments and listening to their fucking music why am I yawning so much I'm not making you guys time I'm supposed to be waking you guys up for the work week alright you want to hear some petty shit at a fucking death level do you guys see that turkey shot down one of Syria's jets

Syria's basically in the middle of a civil war right now right so they're having a battle right along the Turkish border so they're in the middle of fighting a fight a Syrian jet pilot is fucking fighting rebels I'm not taking sides here I don't know what the fuck's going on

I know our country's with the fucking rebels and Russia's with the fucking powers that be but I know both sides don't give a fuck about the Syrian people they don't give a shit they don't give a fuck about me why the fuck would they give a shit about Syria they give a fuck about the money

that's what they give a shit about the strategic bullshit of the fucking wherever the land is or whatever that's what they give a fuck about so anyways this pilot is fighting a good fight ok he's looking for rebels and then out of nowhere these two Turkish jets and one comes in

and fucking shoots a missile and whatever the fuck it shot at and shoots the damn plane down that's like an hockey third man in that's a 10 minute misconduct that's a game misconduct and that's probably a 10 game suspension or is that coming over the boards first

I can't remember which but whatever Turkey went third man in on Syria and I was like wow what the fuck did they do that for and Syria's like how the fuck could you do that to us and then you know what Turkey said hang on it was actually some good shit talk here

my turkey I gotta give it up to Turkey this week shit talk of the week this is what they said said a Syrian plane violated our airspace our F-16s took off and hit the plane why because if you violate my airspace

airspace our slap after this will be hard I know something was lost in translation there I like that though I like the way the dude was going if you violate my airspace you know

like when they have like the the fucking grizzled vet cop you know what is that what are those drugs doing on my street this is my street you know that bullshit because if you violate because if you violate my airspace our slap after this will be hard

now you know we didn't say it like that something got lost in the translation what were you really saying because if you violate my airspace I'm gonna slap you right in your fucking Syrian face I don't want the fuck he said man that's too harsh so anyways that's what they said so I read a little bit more and it turns out

you know what Syria did this to Turkey like two fucking years ago Turkey said we were just flying some fucking you know some learn how to fly a jet missions with our guys near the Turkey and Syrian border

and Syria's like oh fuck you know you weren't you were spying on us and they gave them the old right there Fred they gave them the old right right there Fred they shot down their fucking jet so this is what they're doing over there

that's like literally two children in the back seat talking about who touched who first and they're shooting down people in jets it's just fucking unreal you know back in the day I used to think people who ran countries and weren't in higher

power there was just something at the core of them they were they were just uh I don't know they were there was something wrong with them and that they were these evil people and all that type of shit and if they just let regular people go around doing their fucking thing everything would be fine if they weren't so

fucking greedy and start rumors about everybody and I don't believe it anymore I don't I just think it's uh it's just human nature the higher up you go the more power you get the more of a cut you become

and eventually you get to the point where you have so much power that you want to fucking make the order to shoot something down as you're standing there in your fucking robe right open robe of course balls hanging out you got that red

phone you're just feeling the power coursing through your fucking veins you know you're smoking a coheba oh is that what they did well we're gonna slap them back you get to talk shit right you get to turn the world into your own

fucking video game that's what they're doing there you know like those fucking weirdos that play video games online and they weigh like those McDonald's headsets and they talk shit and they call each other bitches you know as they play these war games these guys are doing that for real I don't know what my fucking point is on all of that

I just think that uh I know it's not an original theory I really believe that we are designed to destroy ourselves eventually and it's gonna happen and what you have to do as a selfish person like me is just pray

that it doesn't happen during your lifetime or at least during the quality years you know when you get to those old years when you really start slowing down you're shuffling years before it becomes the sit down years right and then the lay down

years and then like the alright already years and then the fucking you know whatever then the end I just hope it doesn't happen you know I know the polar ice caps are gonna melt completely I know we're not gonna do

anything about it I know New York City Miami and all them are gonna be underwater I know it is I just hope it's not during my lifetime I mean I recycle I bring back the cans and the bottles I do what I can I forget my little fucking recyclable bags

I go with the paper the papers the papers right what the fuck else am I gonna do you know I don't fucking know what do you guys think do you guys think we're doomed some people believe that we're gonna do something

fucking horrific right and then when we come out of it we're somehow all collectively gonna learn a lesson from it and then we're gonna live in this utopia and then Jesus comes back I can't remember there's so many fucking

theories out there but I just love that whole theory that after we fuck it we have some sort of nuclear holocaust then we somehow survive it and we're sitting there eating glowing pears that we're somehow that the basically the

you know what we are we're defective that somehow the defect is just gonna repair itself that we're not gonna be petty we're not gonna be jealous we're not gonna be lustful you know all the seven deadly sins whatever the fuck they are you know like that cures that I don't think it does

I don't think it does and that's my gloom and doom for this week everybody I think we're fucked we don't have a goddamn prayer but going back I am rooting for the St. Louis blues in the west I'm rooting for him I like Chicago I like St. Louis I like the fucking west

for some reason I'm liking the ducks I don't know why I know why Timu Solani I just like that guy I like that he weighs less than he did when he fucking was a rookie something to aspire to um who else do I like out there I never got into San Jose although I respect their

fans I went to a home game they're fucking rabid um I like the kings um I kind of like Vancouver until we played him in the finals that little jerk off there biting what's his face on his finger

you know it's kind of weird um I just like the west the west was cool when I was growing up they were good Edmonton was good Calgary was good uh the kings sucked until Gretzky got there they had their moments though right

I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about but the blues the blues were always you know expansion six just never caught a break never caught a fucking break so they do so that's that's the team that I'm gonna fucking root for alright and with that let's get to some questions mercifully let's get to fucking

some goddamn questions this week let's see if I can try and make an hour I've already looked at it like 10 times alright 37 minutes can I do 23 minutes of bullshit through all of these uh these questions here alright March Madness Dear Billy Brackets

I'm not a huge college sports fan I love sports so I can enjoy a good game but I'm not interested in following a season March Madness is fun for anyone because of the Brackets if there was another game on a national level with Bracket

talk and exposure you could have a chat you could have chess be interesting to watch on TV agree or disagree 100% agree 100% agree if that's like a great idea if they actually had whatever I don't even know when the

the international chess championship is but if they set up Brackets and they had like you know four regions you know you broke up the northern hemisphere and the southern hemispheres and the sides of the world

and you had number one seeds and all that type of shit apps are fucking lootily if you had Brackets you know I 100% agree with that and um I haven't really watched shit I watched a little bit of a Tar Heel game today and then I fell asleep

because uh I'm fucking old man um but I haven't been following any of it any of it you know down to the sweet 16 the great 8 the final 4 I mean I know it's amazing

I just don't uh I don't have time I have too much fucking invested in the uh watching hockey and it's coming down to it and I uh I like watching it it's a big number of big criticism especially of people who don't watch hockey

and another way I'm going to defend the fucking sport is people say that the regular season doesn't mean shit it's one of the biggest criticisms a kid the regular season doesn't mean shit everybody makes the fucking playoffs yeah kind of like in basketball how about baseball

do you really need to play 162 fucking games to figure out who wins the division you know and then after all that bullshit someone's still going to get a wild card wait come on the only regular season

of the 4 major sports that means anything is football that's why it's so fucking exciting and even they are going to fuck that up they should have just left it on Sunday the Monday night game fine but Sunday you play every fucking Sunday you don't get a day off

you play every fucking Sunday you don't get a week off I mean they just did that to prolong the fucking season so they could advertise more now they're going to start working in Thursday night they're going to try to somehow if they can figure it out they're going to fucking try and do it at least

four to five times a goddamn week and it's going to ruin the sport it's going to ruin it alright and it's because millionaires can't be happy being millionaires they have to try to be billionaires and then they got to try to be multi-billionaires and then they got to try to go

global and then you just can't just fucking just be like hey you know what I have enough you know look at my car look at my house look at that fucking look at my wife look at her she's spending over look at her it's my wife she had three kids

look how good she looks you know that's not enough you just got to keep fucking going yeah but that's one of the major things I would say that the regular season doesn't mean shit I disagree I know what you mean we're fucking a ton of teams make it

but you know half the league doesn't fucking make it I don't want to tell you that's the same way in basketball how come they don't say that about basketball you know basketball is the exact same fucking thing and the end of the game when it's the most exciting

part of the game you just go you're up by three they stop the clock like 58 fucking times foul foul foul time out foul TV time out technical foul kick the ball one off his foot

it just fucking the final two minutes of an NBA game I swear to god it takes like fucking 18 minutes to play and it destroys it's even funny all the drama it's even funnier when you go to a NBA game it'll be a game with playoff implications

and anytime there's a stoppage of play all hell breaks loose and these fucking shitheads go out and start doing jumping jacks and shooting t-shirts and then they start playing like music way too fucking loud and it completely takes

you out of the drama of the game so I don't know whatever whatever I don't even know why I'm fucking bringing this shit up you know why cause people who don't watch hockey don't even understand it shit all over it

have you ever played first of all mathematically it doesn't fucking make sense it's not two half times there's two thirty third and a third times that's what you want to say thirty third at third time and then it's a fucking 66 and two thirds time that's what you want to say if you ever played it

you're fucked after one shift your heart is fucking about ready to come out of your chest that's why alright boring here we go probably talking about the podcast here dear billiam I'm 25 years old and graduated college

a few years ago and have been living in Chicago since I hate it man he hates Chicago man he goes it's not that Chicago isn't a great city but what it is but what is it that happens to people when they get in their twenties and thirties

enjoy the dumbest shit I don't want to go to the same bar and taxi around and get food no one seems to be interested in anything fun anymore the only exercise my friends get is at the gym and they don't do anything fun like basketball and none of them are in good shape

because they're on their asses all day everyone is a boring sell out there is no spice in their life in their lives am I an asshole or are they neither it's all about

what makes you happy the people you're hanging out with aren't doing the things that you want to do so you're not happy hanging out with them but they sound happy as hell to go to the gym and then sit on their ass and you have a beer and eat some fucking nachos and if that's what makes them happy they're entitled to it what you need to do

sir or mam is you need to go find yourself some new friends you got to go find some active people I mean there's plenty you're telling me there's nobody in there out in Chicago there's no there's not 19,000 fucking pickup leagues a hoop

hockey flag football water polo rugby there's all kinds of shit you could be doing and if I was 25 years old I would get into a co-ed league co-ed fucking league

you find yourself a pretty girl that likes sports she's active you're active you know you got a dick she got a vagina you know where you go what more do you need right

fuck if I could go back and be 25 years old again I'd take up field hockey those chicks always had fucking beautiful legs right the tan fucking thighs you know short hair cuts you had to be like alright are you still into me are you cut into the same chick

are you staring at I'll be your wingman can I watch yeah dude you're not an asshole what it is you've decided to continue living an active life at 25 years old

as opposed to just settling in you know certain people out there they get they get old they just get fucking the party you know getting old you can kind of accept it like I view

I love living like an old man if it means being smart like like take it like you know like if I want to get shit faced alright which I do

I don't know if you guys listen to this podcast every week but I like to go out and I like to get fucking hammered I just do it at my house your house is the greatest fucking bar you could ever be at if you're in a fucking house I don't have upstairs downstairs neighbors nothing

okay I got a wife and a dog and I'm stronger than both of them alright well my dog can fuck me up but it doesn't realize it it loves me so much that it would never turn its pitbull power zone but as far as my wife I mean I'll take it down to the mat alright you can tell I said that

so if I want to get fucked up in my own house I'm going to do it I can fucking put on the music I want to put on I can pop in a DVD watch a little bit of Goodfellas I don't have to deal I don't even know what the fuck I'm talking about right now I mean to me like

the way to get shit faced now is for me to be hanging with one other friend on my front porch smoking a cigar and drinking some scotch and listening to some fucking music and just shooting the shit it's quiet you know

when you're younger I guess you want the shit louder and that type of thing but whatever like to me I don't feel like an old man doing that I just feel like I'm smarter like back in the day I used to go to a club damaging my hearing and the fucking music was loud and all that type of shit but that worked for me back then

because I didn't know how to talk to the ladies by all means drown out the horrible shit that's coming out of my mouth with my z-cavary cheese what was I doing but yeah dude you know what

25 is a it's a great age and it's a critical age when you're starting to surround yourself with the people that you're really going to be hanging out with for the rest of your life you kind of left most of your high school friends behind

not in a bad way guys don't cross anymore so you're going to get some new friends and yeah get friends who want to fucking live life who want to go do some shit other than you know hey let's go to fucking wherever the fuck

where do people go where do they go where are those hacky places everybody let's go to a robot that places everybody goes and then they go there they jump off a bar stool in Chicago and then they jump on a bar stool and sit there

right isn't it great it's not as cold and I can piss myself the duck on to the fucking bathroom we live in a what it's like no we're kind of doing the same thing in better weather better scenery and that type of thing um

yeah if you go to ruby you should get outside the fucking place and walk around hopefully not get murdered by that chick you know go find a waterfall and jerk off in it you know enjoy the planet all right Prince Harry Prince Harry not sure if you heard this

recently but Prince Harry came out I think he came out of the closet I was like Jesus Christ I gotta start watching the news he came out and said something to his brother the future king that he's not going to be king so he doesn't need to be on his best behavior dude that's fucking great

you know other than his fucking dressing up like a fucking SS officer I don't have a problem with that kid my question to you is it's kind of a major other than that time he dressed like Hitler I know he's not a bad guy my question to you is what

happened if he began to speak out against atrocities in the world like his mother or call out bankers and evil bastards running the world's resources would they bump him off uh yeah absolutely fucking lovely absolutely oh and did I call

that fucking bitcoin thing people telling me to get on that you gotta invest in this bitcoin thing they're gonna take that thing down they're gonna ignore it and laugh at it first just like Gandhi you know first they ignore you then they laugh at you

then they fight you then you win right isn't that what goes something like that I don't know what I don't fucking go whatever that bitcoin shit you know I'm sure the banks are like well I don't think that's gonna be a viable car they did all that shit right then they started you know going oh shit

oh shit they get a little bit of traction people are talking about this stuff and then what happens what happens somebody commits suicide conveniently conveniently and everybody around is going hey it doesn't seem like that person commits

suicide well you know that's what happens when you try to start a new currency you know what he thinks gotta happen do you think these fucking fudda duddies whatever you say is gonna sit around and tolerate that they can't their whole lives

lives are invested in the lie of their currency you can't come along with a new lie then they gotta start all over again it's like a Red Sox fan becoming a Yankee fan it's not gonna happen it's not even a Yankee fan it's gonna be a whole new fucking league like the XFL

ain't happening go fuck yourself the NFL is where we got our money fuck your league so anyways do I think if he started speaking out against the atrocities if he just started speaking out against

atrocities I don't think what they do is they join it like Kennedy with the civil rights we can't control a million African Americans coming into Washington what do we do we join it and then we take control of it and then you give your permits

and the next thing you know they control the fucking thing right that's what they would do they would just join you know Prince Prince whatever the fuck his name is the hell's his brother's name George that's a good king name the fuck is his name

Christopher Harry and uh alright if I'm lady die if I was dumb enough to name my my second kid Harry I guess the other one had to be a little bit better Larry nah

it's no way you're gonna have your kid's names rhyme what the fuck would his name be it's gotta be something English something fucking proper not Louis that's French is it Henry is Henry is Harry

a nickname for Henry I don't fucking know George I'm gonna go with George nah Jesus I feel like the number five in the line in the family feud you know when the first person won whatever category it is and he said the obvious one and then somebody

the second person said what I was thinking of and then three and four somehow didn't get strikes and outs down to me and there's like no fucking answer left I'm going with George and everybody just looks at me and goes hey good answer good answer right survey says big fucking

X and then the other team fucking steals it and then nobody talks to me at Christmas yeah the only way that he would actually get whacked is it Philip hey Nia Nia Nia nah Jesus what the fuck is she

nah I tell you you know they're never around when you need them wait what the fuck am I talking about got the internet right here is it Charlie Charles was he named after his dad what the fuck is his name Prince

I'm just gonna look in Prince Prince Harry nah possessive no not possessive Prince Harry's brother I don't know what his fucking name is Prince Harry's brother

William it's my fucking name what an asshole oh Billy Prince William Duke of Cambridge oh fuck yourself your name's Billy hey Billy now when are you gonna go ride a horse today with your little fucking stick

leaning over be careful it's a dangerous goddamn game Prince William yeah they'd whack him the only way they would whack him is if he was effective if when they went to join him join his yeah

we're sick of that shit too that we've created it was already created and now we have positions they passed a baton to us and we're continuing to oppress people but that's how we make money so we can have a BMW 7 series right with the bulletproof fucking glass

they would join with him and if he said no you're part of the fucking problem and then try to literally attack the sectors that those people are in he would definitely get whacked he would die mysteriously he'd probably commit suicide air quote

he would have some sort of I don't know you know what they do they spray the mist at you and you have some sort of fucking they talk about you know he had a hole in his heart that they had never diagnosed before and he had an arrhythmia he had a cardiac episode

I don't know then the conspiracy theory would come out and then all the other fucking moron mouth breathing conspiracy theories would muddy up the real conspiracy theory and the whole fucking thing would go away that's my guess there you go that's my guess jesus christ I almost did it

55 fucking minutes how are you guys doing aren't you listening this early what is it 10 30 in the morning getting ready for your break there's a roach coach pulling up you're gonna go get some drinks cakes and a fucking sausage king is that what you're gonna do alright live forever

forever forever forever yeah yeah live forever billy infinity I hate when people I hear people say who would want to live that long I guess he's referring or she's referring to when someone is like just they just turned 102 who would want to live alone

this guy says give me a pulse as long as possible to people who say they wouldn't want to live forever what do you say to that well I mean it comes down to quality of life I mean the human body is designed to live for 150 years and then after all the

abuse that we do what you usually drop it about fucking I guess 75 I I mean I wouldn't want to live forever if like I was just sitting there like looking like Yoda but without his fucking ability

to flip around the room with the lightsaber what I want to live forever um yeah if there's nothing after this fuck yeah but I mean you know but then what you do is you you would you would watch us slowly

kill ourselves and then we would become extinct and then you'd be the only one left and then they'd be the next people right like I told you guys my theory right that I I feel like water is the toxic waste from the last people that fucked up this planet

and that is absolutely poisonous and toxic to them but we we came out of it you know we're walking around thinking we're good looking but we're all a bunch of fucking mutants compared to the last people we don't know any better because we can't look at them right

so when we're done fucking up this planet the next people will come out of out of the soup that we leave which will have plastics and fucking uh you know old computers and all that shit god knows what the fuck they're gonna look like you know I don't even know

but you know if you live forever you'd be around for them no I wouldn't want to live forever I wouldn't want to live forever because I think eventually this planet's gonna look like Mars and then you would just be sitting there well what would you do

sitting there kicking fucking moon rocks around forever that's fucking scary you just couldn't die I don't know what I'd do you know what I'd do is I I would try to there's no technology to do it

I would get a fucking spaceship and fly to the next earth and I'd land there and hope that they kind of look like me it wasn't the dinosaur period or whatever you know there's like some of them were saying there's like uh

you know there's a bunch of earths out there tens of thousands of them throughout the fucking space solar system I don't know what the fuck the word is ah Jesus I'm tired you know guys sometimes these fucking questions they

like do you guys realize like the level of thought that how dumb I am you gotta fucking sit there for a second that's right in the fucking wheelhouse I guess two are easy my wheelhouse you know Prince Harry you don't even give me his brother's name

and then I gotta find out it's my own fucking name and you even said Bill in it so the answer was there it was a clue and then what I want to live forever I have to tell you I do want to see the 70's again I was born in 1968

I'd like to live to about 2002 you know provided New York and Miami under water that changes the whole deal um once that shit starts happening then I don't give a fuck

you know I'm bandwagon humanity I'm here for the good times once it starts going the other fucking direction you know I'm tapping out I don't have any red dawn in me you know I mean I would go up in a tower and just start fucking shooting at the powers that be

I would do that ah I was kidding me I'd be a pussy I couldn't do that because I'd be like oh that guy coming at me this isn't his choice he's just taking orders so I just shoot over their heads I commit suicide that way you know they do the people death by cop I do it that way I think

I don't fucking know all I know is I'm back home and I had a great tour up in Canada underrated remember that I used to do that overrated underrated for the fucking week underrated Canada man

Canada Canada Canada you gotta fucking get up there dude it's fucking it's unreal and the maritime specifically I would definitely head up there if you're a cigar smoker you're out of your mind you gotta get up there ah

you know I was watching this thing on the Bruins and they got this great segment that they do where they interview the Bruins and it's just like they talk to them for three minutes where no hockey questions it's really great and you can see every player they're so sick at answering questions about playing hockey that

all of them it seems when they're interviewing them they're already having a good time just to be hearing new questions and Brad Marchand who then said you can call him Marshawn he doesn't give a fuck so I'm going back to Marshawn is actually an avid hunter and I believe he's from Halifax

or somewhere around there and um he shot big shit like bear and he's gonna go after elk and uh next and I honestly that's I couldn't do that I don't think I could do that I could shoot a chicken

right I could shoot a cow but if I didn't kill it on the first shot I could hear that awful mooing for the rest of my fucking life why wouldn't you a cow and shoot a steer uh that

it's a guns jam oh my god to be fucking horrible but I gotta be honest with you everybody listen to this podcast if you were hungry enough you'd eat a puppy you would it's a sad reality

just your love of cute things versus I'm gonna fucking die if I don't eat you it just goes right out the goddamn window you know what's the biggest animal you think you could kill the biggest animal I could kill would be Joe DeRosa

he's a fucking animal um actually what do we got here am I over an hour did I make it alright an hour and three minutes okay that's a podcast for this week everybody I had a great time up in Canada podcast uh

oh by the way that Paul Verzi, Jason Lawhead Joe Bartnick tour the Monday morning podcast is sponsoring it's the all in tour and the first date is at Lago and I'm actually gonna be hosting that one and

and kicking off the tour all these guys in the past have opened for me and now they're spreading their wings doing their own fucking tour I'm so proud of them um and I'm gonna be hosting the first one down at Lago it's already sold out

and uh we're gonna be kicking that one off and then these guys I'm telling you I don't bring cupcakes out on the road these guys are all killers so if you want to see three guys guys guys alright no fucking

none of that awkward you know they don't say apparently before every fucking punchline alright not saying that's bad but I'm just saying it's not that fucking style alright uh if you want to listen to three guys fucking hilarious

who you probably would sit next to in a bar these are the guys the all in tour we're gonna be getting the dates up soon they're gonna have a fucking cool ass poster I've already heard the concept I fucking love it and uh I'm proud of these guys it's gonna be a great tour so uh definitely be looking for that

and uh old fucking freckle face here is done I am done with stand up comedy until the end of April I'm not doing shit I am uh relaxing and uh I think this is how I'm gonna do

my stand up from here on out I'm just gonna fucking go out and go psycho for fucking 20 days and then take like a month and a half off and then do another psycho fucking tour that's what I'm gonna do all in nothing just the same way I drink just fucking

pounding and then just I take a fucking year off for 70 days off and then I pound for another 70 days that's it all in nothing that's how I'm gonna do it alright um that's the podcast for this week as always thank you for everybody for listening I hope you have a wonderful week don't take any shit

alright go fuck yourselves and uh any predictions me and Verzi are still talking about that fucking horrific flight that they can't find and he thinks it's on the ground I think it's unfortunately uh

you know I think it's I actually that that review that I that prediction that that pilot made though he thought there was some sort of fire on board or something that seems like it's that fucking that there's anything just hanging

in the air you just want the answer to it's got to be that man fucking poor families why do I bring it was awful last week when we brought it up why would I end the podcast bringing that up stupid stupid fucking but you know what you don't listen to this thing cause I'm smart that's it

alright I got nothing to predict I got something to predict I'm not gonna do shit between here and next week I better get a fucking guest I actually got a called Dom I rara I'm gonna try to do one with him Dom I rara Dom I rara

Dom I rara Ririru you're Italian you're not German you're not Irish or a Jew I'm gonna leave that on this fucking answer machine alright go fuck yourself so I'll see you that was in the promo

that's the hippie cop my luscious van alles neem ik 3 en hoe men know I met the Eric van ons hier zalig pasen geniet van pasen en Ramadan met het verrassend en divers assortiment van Albert Heijn en kijk zeker ook naar de tweede aflevering op de wereld in het klein.be dat is het lekker van Albert Heijn