Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 3-26-18
Episode Date: March 26, 2018Bill rambles about instagram, stewardesses and F1....
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Hey what's going on, it's Bill Byrne, it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday
March 25th, 2018, what's going on? How are you? Oh, stop it. Everything's going to be fine.
Okay, shake it off. What do you think? Bad stuff is only going to happen to other people
every once in a while, come to your neighborhood, shake it off, put a smile on your puss motherfucker.
Anyways, oh, oh did I wake up mad this morning? What a surprise. What a unique emotion from
the freckled country you've come to know and love. By the way, you know, now that I went
through all of that bullshit to get on fucking Instagram, the fact that you have to follow
9,000 fucking people or you get the same you just staring at the same photo every fucking
day and it's just really like it's like a maze. You know, you're on Twitter, you just
fucking on Twitter. Now you still have to follow people. I guess now I got to fucking
go on fucking follow all these fucking good get on that's my wife's telling me get on
the air and just follow all your friends and think of things you're interested. So I can
just be another mouth breathing dope staring at my fucking phone. I already I already stare
at it too much. You know, I thought I was going to get on Instagram and all I was going
to see is ass and titties and I just not seeing it. Right. It's probably because I only followed
Dean Delray and Joe Rogan. So what I see is what did I see? I saw Joe Rogan walking around
holding a chicken with another 40 chickens following him. Alright, all these years, I've
known Joe Rogan. I had no idea that he owned chickens. You know, it's causing me to reevaluate
our entire friendship. I mean, I don't know why he would keep that from me. Does he does
he think he can't trust me with that information? These are the kinds of things I'm going to
ask him the next time. I think I've had him on here. I don't fucking know. Anyways, and
Dean Delray is in New York. That's what I know. That's all I know. No whores, no inspirational
workout videos, you know, where some guys trying to inspire you to work out, but he's
really just wanted to take his shirt off. You know, it's funny about those fucking Instagram
people is beyond the fact that they're doing that. Oh, the inspirational celebrity. Well,
they're just every day, you know, acting like they have life all figured out. And now they're
going to pass these gems onto you. Hey, next time you're thinking outward, look inward to
find the real you so your truth can be fucking sent to the stratosphere and shut the fuck
up. And the other one I love, I love the celebrity fucking standing outside his private jet with
this serious look on his face. How about a smile? You fucking cunt standing there. Yo,
this is how we do. This is my Louis Vuitton luggage. What a fucking moron kind of asshole
buys $5,000 fucking pieces of luggage. So some asshole can throw it in the bottom of
a fucking United flight. You know, I don't you'd have to fly private for the rest of
your life and watch your luggage just go easy, easy. Or you could just get a fucking bag
that's designed to get the shit kicked out of it. You can keep all your fucking jewels
inside of it. Oh my God, if I see one more cunt, do the photo shoot with all their cars
and then there's the fucking private jet in the background. Well, what the what is that?
And you know, just to fuck just put it under I'm rubbing it in your face that I have more
money than you don't fucking do that thing where I'm trying to inspire you to get to
my level. Do you realize everything that has to be involved there? Like you have to
fucking call up the fucking airport. Some poor bastard has to do that. You have your
cars. It's not enough that you have your cars. It's not enough that you're flying private.
It's not enough that your luggage costs more than what a lot of people make to fucking
teach kids in public schools. You have to have all of that. I mean, how many fucking
drivers do you need to get all your fucking cars out there? Then you got to figure out
what fucking outfit you're going to wear. I don't know. Anyways, plowing ahead. But
that is the kind of shit that I want to see. I actually kind of have this thing going on
with with friends of mine where we just send each other all of those like photos. You know,
that poor kid who died there, the humble brag guy, he would have had a fucking field day
on Instagram. Jesus Christ. I mean, that's why I kind of went on there. I just didn't
realize it was going to be that much work to try and find all of those fucking photos
because people would just send me them all the time. And I was like, Jesus Christ, I'm
really missing out not being on Instagram. And then you get on there and I followed Dean
Delray and Joe Rogan and my beautiful whaaf. And that's it. And Rogan and Dean Delray are
normal grounded human beings. So it's just, you know, tell me who to follow. Okay, I do
enough fucking promotional as other ones. I just want to see, I want to see that. That's
the shit I want to see. I want to see people that are pretending to inspire me, but they're
really just fucking, you know, they want to show me how much money they have or how great
a shape they're in. I mean, why can't everybody be down to earth like me? I'm sorry, I'm just
as self involved. I'm just not as motivated in the gym. Plus, you know, it's funny, even
if I got shredded, I mean, if I took my shirt off, all people would say is like, dude, look
how fucking white you are. Oh my God. I'd be what about my what about my eight pack abs?
Body cares. All right, so let's get to my week here. I went and I saw ministry live
for the first time. I saw them down at the the fuck is it gonna have the house of blues
in Anaheim. And I was meeting some friends down there and they're like, Oh, we're at
the fucking we're at the Ramada. I'm like, All right. So I fuck we're at the bar. So
I walk into the Ramada, go to the fucking bar there. They there's nobody there. It turns
out I'm at the wrong Ramada. Who knew there was more than one Ramada, whatever the fuck
it was, where the hell I was going. So anyways, we ended up going over to the to the show.
It was just it was awesome. Live music was and always will be the shit. And I got to
see them basically play the entire album, their new album, American, KKK ant. And Al
Jurgensen, as always, just fucking crushing it, fucking crushing it, man, you know, this
front man, and then this front man still has the passion. Still, you know, got the fucking
crowd going, you're looking around, you know, a lot of people like my age, by the like the
fucking fourth song, there was a mosh pit. I stayed clear of it. I definitely stayed
clear of it. But they got a bunch of I think they're on like a 25 city tour right now.
And they right, they did anhyme and then ox now, I don't know where they're off to now.
You promote a couple of their dates here, considering such a fucking awesome show. Here we go. Am
I in ministry tour dates? Yeah, that that that that that that that that that that that
that that that come on, man, why is my internet so fucking slow? You know, it'd be funny if
they actually had it run at the same speed as your intellect. And you couldn't get mad
anymore. It's like, well, it's because I'm a fucking asshole. I'm dumb. All right, they're
going to be in Sacramento at the ace of spades, Portland, the Roseland Theater. Oh, that's
a beauty. That's on Wednesday, Thursday, they're going to be in Vancouver at the Vogue Theater.
Saturday, they're going to be in Edmonton. All right. And then when they go into into
April, they're going to be in Montana, Nebraska, Chicago, Illinois. A couple of nights there,
Cincinnati, Grand Rapids, Michigan, Indianapolis, Toronto, Montreal, and they're playing great
places, Boston, April 17th. A couple of nights there, Portland, Maine, Jesus, they're going
everywhere. You got to catch them and that it runs through the fuck is it runs through
the end of April as far as what they have here. All right, back to the podcast here.
So old freckles forgot that it was formula one season. And then fortunately, somebody
on Twitter said, Hey, you excited for this weekend? I was like, Oh, shit, that's right.
And because it's now not on NBC Sports, the ESPN cunts took it over. And God knows they'll
fuck it up somehow. That's what I thought they were going to do. I got to admit, I watched
what I got of the race. I thought they did a good job, although I don't understand why
Will Buxton isn't there. Now they have like this comedy team or some shit. They got two
people down there who then throw it over to another guy. You think ESPN would try to save
money and not fucking hire three people for the job that one guy was doing outstandingly
since I've been watching. But hey, I don't run the shit. So anyways, I fucking go on
in my cable box and I go to record the race. And I don't know what happened. All I recorded
was the pregame, which ended up getting me like the first 10 laps of the race. So I missed
the fucking race. But then I went on and I read all about the first thing that I noticed
was the new the Jesus Christ, some stuttering here, the new design of the the cockpit. I'm
like, what the fuck is that thing that's like in the driver's line of sight? And they got
this new halo thing that they got going on. I guess for years since like 2010 or 11, they've
been trying to figure out, you know, because it's the open cockpit, people smash into walls,
tires and bolts go flying. These guys are driving, you know, upwards 100 fucking 80 miles
an hour, you get hit with a screw, you know, could go right through your helmet into your
fucking head. I don't know, they've been trying to figure out how to protect them. You know,
and then all everybody in the crowd is like, well, hey, man, don't put it like make it
look like a fighter jet, man. We're like, this is always been open cockpit, man. So everybody
in the crowd, you know, they want to see it. So like, listen, if we're going to sit here
along this fucking fence and at any point a washer can come flying off the car, go through
my eye socket and into the back of my brain, I mean, at least you can do is with your fucking
helmet drive around an open cockpit. So they decided out of the fucking blue to come up
with this new design, the halo cockpit design, which is supposed to look like a giant piece
of plastic to me. It's probably made out of carbon fiber, but evidently that will stop
a tire from smashing you in the fucking head and killing you. Nobody wants that, right?
I don't think so. So anyways, I saw the beginning of the race. And as always, Lewis Hamilton
got the pole position, you know, and the race starts and he gets to the first corner first.
So obviously he's going to win the fucking race. That's how it works. And even one of
the announcers stupidly said, well, you know, history has shown that whoever wins the first
race of the year usually goes on to win the championship. I don't know if that was a comment
on how much lack of fucking passing there is, or the fact that basically Mercedes and Ferrari
have such superior engines that, you know, nobody else can compete with them. You know,
I mean, I know other teams like the American team has Ferrari engines, but that's like
this shit one. Like they get the Z28 engine, we get the fucking rally sport. That's for
white trash people from the seventies. So anyways, I guess what happened, Sebastian
Vettel won the, won the Australian Grand Prix for Ferrari, who went back to the Ferrari
red, or I guess less white in their car. The cars definitely look different. Look like
a different color red. And I was like, there's no way that it's like a specific red that
Ferrari has to be. But it turns out they just had less white in the car this year. They
went on to win it because the Mercedes team, I guess, fucked up where, you know, they were
Mercedes team, I guess fucked up where Lewis Hamilton went into pit. They thought they
had enough space between the fucking second place and first place. He was going to get
out of the pit first or something like that. I don't know. Oh no, he was out on the track.
I just saw the highlight. I don't fucking know. And they screwed up. We know it's fucked
up. They blamed their software. So it's just like, is there any sort of like, I don't
know, racing going on. So they got some computers looking where the fucking Sebastian Vettel's
car is in the pit and how fast they have to be going. What tire of the computer figures
all of that out? You got an app and every now and then the app shit the bed and Vettel
got out first, you know, Hamilton, he's always fucking sulking. It was, was that me? Who was
you? Right? I love Hamilton, but he gets so fucking, he just starts bleeding. And whenever
he fucking loses, um, I remember last year, something happened in qualifying and then
he just sat in his car like fucking, I mean, when you were a kid and you got mad at your
parents or whatever and they got out of the car went in the house and you're trying to
make a point, you just sat in the car in the driveway. They didn't give a shit. They're
like, great, I also be quiet without your fucking complain and ass in here. Um, so he
ended up winning Ferrari one Sebastian Vettel came in first, uh, a sulking Lewis Hamilton
came in second, Kimmy Reagan and he didn't drive anybody off the track came in third
and uh, Ricky Ricardo, Daniel Ricardo came in, uh, the hometown favorite came in in fourth
place and what's his face? Val Terry, both, I guess he crashed her in qualifying and was
giving us five spot penalty for, uh, cause he changed a gearbox. He started in 15th
and then ended up finishing eighth. But I think the real big story was how well the
USA team with this, the, this fucking Ferrari engine that Ferrari threw out in their back
dumpster, um, was killing it in the beginning. We were like in fourth and sixth place at
one point, part of the only part of the race that I saw. And then, uh, I got all excited,
you know, to look up to see where we finished. We finished 19th and 20th with two, not one,
but two did not finish. I guess evidently, um, we know how to take the tire off, but
we don't know how to put it back on twice in the same race. One of the house cars went
in to get their tire change. They put the fucking tires back on three out of four were
on, but one wasn't. They did that the first time and then the fucking mechanic who screwed
it up was hilarious. They cut to the, they cut to the, uh, the pit team and he just walked
out of the camera shop. I think he went into the bathroom and closed the door and probably
threw up that he cost his team one of the cars, you know, and then the fucking, then
they turned around and they did it again. But, uh, they're keeping that shit up. They're
saying, you know what? Well, uh, you know, if, uh, you know, just think what would have
happened if we actually put the bolts back on? I'll tell you, Ferrari Mercedes better
look out because, uh, we're going to be practicing how to take a tire on and off. And when we
get that down, I'm telling you, things are going to be real shook up in the, uh, fourth
to six positions this year. Yeah, boy, you know what it is? We're Americans. We don't
give a shit. Okay. This, this whole fucking left turns and right turns. We have land over
here. Fucking assholes in Europe and everywhere else around the world. You're all fucking
overpopulated, driving around fucking on an old cow paths. Um, that's all I got. What
else can I do? What do you do when you completely screw up? You know what you do? You make fun
of the rest of the world. That's exactly what you do. All right. Let's get into some happier
American news. The Boston Bruins once again, we're down. They were down two to nothing
to the goddamn Dallas stars that are down in fucking Dallas now. They used to be the
Minnesota North stars. Okay. And it was an eclectic group of incredibly normal looking
people in the crowd. Okay. And, and the Minnesota people, nice people, the kind of people you
say hello to, or if you're Philly fans, you throw full beers at, right? And they moved
down to fucking Dallas. Okay. The fake titty capital of the world. All right. You know,
you know, Silicon Valley out there where they do all the fucking computer shit, you
know, and Apple's big fucking, oh, look at our round building with the forest in the
middle of it. Um, that's where all the computer shit happens down in Hollywood's where all
the movies get made out in Arizona's where they, they don't want to celebrate Martin Luther
King day. New Mexico's where they shop break and bad. And then you get out to Dallas, Texas.
Okay. And you basically, you have Dealey Plaza and you have fake titties. That is fucking
Dallas. And then you have a bunch of shiny four door pickup trucks that has never seen
a day of blue collar work driving around out there. I don't know why. I don't know why.
You're thinking they get themselves Cadillac. Um, everybody's acting like they got a ranch.
Anyways, we went down, then we played them and we were down two to nothing and we scored
three goals in the third fucking period. It was just, and of course I missed the game
because I got the kid now I was at, I was at a birthday party, a great birthday party
went out to a fucking farm and all of that had an awesome time, but I didn't get to see
the game. And I saw Tim Shallow's fucking filthy shorthand for nice feed from Brad Marshawn.
Uh, Pasternak had the game winner and it seems, even though, you know, Patrice Bergeron's
out with the broken foot, I don't know if Chara is back. Last game I saw, he fell the
way I used to fall when I was public at like a public skating rink. You know what I mean?
You try to stop and then you catch an edge and all of a sudden you go like head first,
do a face plant before the boards mercifully stop. You've usually knocked down like a five
year old trying to learn how to figure skate. Uh, I'm trying to say we have a lot of injuries,
but we're still winning. Uh, the Celtics on the other hand, Kyrie Irving is going to be
out three to six weeks. Sports Illustrated's website is telling me I don't need to panic.
Toronto's going to get the number one seed and we're probably going to play some shit
bum fucking team and he'll be back by the end of it. I don't fucking know. Uh, I think
Toronto's looking pretty strong. It's going to be obviously Toronto and Cleveland. Wouldn't
you think? Wouldn't you think? And can LeBron put his fucking team on his back once again?
Okay. And get to the finals again while the entire basketball world shits on him and says
how much he's an asshole and how much I've never seen a guy achieve more and get more
shit. I just don't get it. What more does he have to do? All right. He took his talents
to South Beach. All right. He won two championship's on a pile on team, but then he went back
to Cleveland, put the fucking team on his back and beat the Golden State Warriors. Right?
Right there. It should have been over. It was over for Steve Young when he beat the fucking
San Diego Chargers. He was it Chuck Humphries, Hugh Chumfries? Chuck Humphries. I don't remember.
Beat that fucking team. One of the most boring Super Bowls there ever was. 49ers went out
and they had fucking white pants on and shit. Um, and then the monkey's been off his back
and nobody ever fucking questioned him again, ever questioned him again. Even after fucking
spy gate, when he said the Patriots should give up their three fucking Super Bowl titles.
You know, the fucking guys on TV, he's in a Hall of Fame player. He didn't realize that
that was a brand new rule and the Patriots were guilty, but it was only illegal for one
game. Nobody gave him shit, yet they still give LeBron shit. Why is that? Why do you think
that is? Is it because Steve Young is a fucking Mormon? Um, I have no idea. Anyway, so I went
to this birthday party, a two year old's birthday party, some friends of ours, and there was
this, uh, went out to the speaking ranches. We went out to this farm, way the fuck out
towards Oxnard, Camarillo. Um, it was awesome. It's part of, you know, part of Los Angeles
I very rarely go to. I fly over it, but I never fucking actually went out there. It was absolutely
beautiful out there past the theme of the valley and they had all like these animals
and stuff there, big animal farm. And I realized that I am a big fan of alpacas. You know,
there was this brown one just with these giant fucking brown eyes just looking at you a little
weird little, admittedly a little weird. You know, they kind of look like llamas. They're
like better looking llamas. You know, um, pot belly pig, which I never realized when
people say, I got, you know, you got a pot belly. What an insult that is. I mean, these
things were fat fucks. That belly was, was like on the ground. Um, they just like they
just they're fucking pigs. I mean, pigs really are pigs. They always talk about how smart
they are and that type of stuff. I think the level that they eat and the fact that they
roll around in their own shit, it's just really hard to see the intelligence.
You know what I mean? I mean, I think a lot of fat people get treated the same way.
You think if Albert Einstein was a fat fuck like,
I don't know, rolling around in his own shit. I mean, I don't think we win world war two. What
do you guys think? Care to comment? Would you like to write into the podcast about that one?
Um, I'm just filler busting here. I got to get this shit done because I got all kinds of stuff
to do today and I'm waiting for my advertising and my questions to come in. God damn it. Oh,
the reads are sent. Oh shit. Everything's fucking here. Ready to go. I love it. All right. Let's
download these goddamn things. Um, so anyways, we were at, we're out there and uh, at that,
at the birthday party. You know what's so fucked up about me? Let's fuck all the birthday party
stuff. I first thing I did was alpacas. I looked at those things and I'm like, wow, those things
look like a food source because they said they were from South America. So all I'm picturing
is boa constrictors and God knows what killer knows things, you know, or like the Komodo dragon
this time, he sat there stalking this giant bull looking thing and did those Komodo dragons,
they have such fucking shit breath and their mouth is so full of bacteria that if they,
all they got to do is just nicking out an animal, just 10 times its size. They just need to bite it
and then they just follow it around for three days as that bacteria just slowly fucking kills the
thing. I just wish the bull knew that the second it was bit by that fucking dragon that it was over
because then you just, you just turn around and well, you're not going to fucking eat me.
Right. Just go over and kill the fucking thing because the problem with those goddamn reptiles
and my issue with reptiles is they don't have the D and chimpanzees. They don't have the decency
to kill you before they start eating you. They don't know. Yeah, they don't like that thing. Once
you collapse, it just walks up. It has no feeling whatsoever, you know, which is why chimpanzees and
human beings are the worst chimpanzees and human beings, the only people I've ever seen get off
on the suffering of something else, like it actually excites them. I told you that thing. I
saw that thing one time when they for the longest time, they didn't think chimpanzees, monkeys,
eight other monkeys. They disproved it. They found out it wasn't true. And I saw these fucking
chimpanzees catch this fucking smaller monkey. All right. And he just stood on the things fucking
back and with his fingers was digging flesh out of its back as the other monkeys screaming.
And the chip was getting off on it. It's like, dude, like, you know, how fresh does it have to be?
Just snap its little fucking neck and get on with it. And ever since then, I fucking hate
chimpanzees. I hate them. I hate them as much as I love
gorillas. But having said that, I don't want to see chimpanzees ever hurt, though, you know,
although I wanted that bull to fucking destroy that Komodo dragon as it just kept falling around,
you know, like some goddamn banker watching a fucking farmer working himself to death,
waiting to take over the land to sell it to some other fuck. All right, Bill, let's not get that
dramatic. Okay, it's the wild. Get mad at God. It created it. Well, I don't know if it's a fucking lady
or not. I fucked up a human beings is as big a piece as a shit that we are that we actually think
God looks like us and actually argue about what its race is or in sex. It's the stupidest shit ever.
Um, okay, let me, uh, I have like 90 fucking windows open and I'm getting rid of all of these,
except for my Brian Kess yoga videos. I'm back into it. I'm taking my power yogas
watching these things. You know, what's funny is I in case anybody from his class hears this,
I own all of his shit on VHS. I just don't have a fucking VCR anymore. So I have purchased the
things, but I just can't play him. So I have to watch him on YouTube. Um, all right, where am I,
where am I going here? I fucking is it ever on the right email? Come on, you son of a bitch.
What, why, why, why, why are you doing this to me? Loading as slow as humanly possible. I have to hit pause.
All right. My account sign out. Start over again.
There we go. Come on. Open up. You can do it. All right. I'm hitting pause. This is pathetic.
Oh wait, it's coming up. Loading, loading, loading. People just drop busy yourselves as I wait for
this fucking thing to open up. No, I don't want the app. Oh my God.
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All right. Here's all the goddamn reads. Here's all the goddamn reads. Here's what the fuck I was
looking for. God damn it. Hey, speaking of that, am I in Tulsa, Oklahoma this weekend speaking of
Southern accents? I'm going to be down there and over there in Tulsa, Oklahoma at the Brady Theater.
Yes, I am. March 30th. Oh my God, I love it. What's today? Today's the 26th. Let's see. That's
Thursday. No, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. So this say I'm going to be
at the Brady Theater Tulsa, Oklahoma. And then on March 31st, I'm going to be down in San Antonio,
Texas, right? The stars at night are big and bright deep in the heart of Texas.
What do they have there? What do they call that thing? That little fucking river that you
the river walk. It's actually really relaxing. And then you don't really ever have to get off
and buy anything. You just fucking sitting there floating around on a goddamn boat.
That's going to be one of those weird flights where it should only take me an hour to go from
fucking Tulsa, Oklahoma, or 90 minutes to San Antonio, but it's going to take the whole
fucking day because I don't have to like connect through like Denver or some shit.
Speaking of which, I got some shows coming up in Pittsburgh, April 6th. And for whatever
fucking reason, the only direct flight I can get out of LA is a Southwest flight.
I don't understand. Philly in Pittsburgh, back in the day, the only direct flight from LA to
Philly was on US air. I don't mind. I don't mind Southwest until they start telling the jokes,
you know, and just fucking, it's so goddamn obnoxious because nobody heckles them. That's
what's missing on a Southwest flight, booing the jokes. You have such a captive audience.
Everybody's afraid we're going to crash. You know, for some reason you think the steward or the
stewardess actually is flying the plane. So you don't want to give him shit, right?
Oh God, that's when I wish I, you know, Patrice, I could just fucking see him and that if he ever
saw what those fucking people became, he would have heckled. He definitely would have fucking
heckled. I just sit there stewing in anger and not even mad at the fucking steward or stewardess
is, which I still call them, by the way, I don't understand how the fuck that ever became offensive.
You know what I mean? Or they feel like steward had more,
um, like, I don't know, comeuppance to it.
Why is, let me look this up. Why is stewardess offensive?
I might be wrong. Here's why flight attendants don't like being called stewardesses.
All right, flight attendants. Oh man, they got an old fucking school one. Look how hot they used to be.
I swear to God, they must have fucking dropped the pay dramatically.
I don't know what they used to be fucking gorgeous, unbelievable.
All right, flight, but the food was way worse. There's always a trade off, right?
Um, flight attendants have a job that holds a lot of prestige in the eyes of most travelers.
What? There's a giant vague bullshit statement. I think that used to be when the, when they were
beautiful women, it seemed glamorous. The whole thing, the pilot seemed like a fucking borderline
James Bond. There's all these sexy women fucking walking around like, wow, they get to go to all
of these places before everybody flew out all the time. Um, people you actually used to dress up
when they went on planes wearing suits and women would get all dolled up and shit.
You know, this is before they treated you like a fucking animal though. Then they started treating
everybody like animals. Now people walking in on the borderline pajamas. Anyways, they get called a
lot of different things while doing their jobs. Waitress, ma'am, hey, you miss air hostess and
trolley dolly. Okay. You know what? I have well over a million fucking, uh, frequent flyer miles.
I've never heard anybody say waitress. No one's ever said, hey, you air hostess. Hey, trolley,
dolly. Can I get a fucking drink? Come on. I'm sure everybody has a story, but come on. I think
pretty much everybody's been respectful is certainly after nine 11 because then all the
stewardess and stewardess is all they have to say is, uh, why are you being hostile? Do you not want
to fly today? Um, anyways, flight attendants have a job. Okay. Uh, but one moniker that is pretty
much gone out the emergency exit door is stewardess. And here's why. I love how this person just made
up all of this other shit. Waitress, ma'am, hey, you trolley, dolly, just made up all of that shit
so they could get to the stewardess part. All right. I think it's safe to say that a striptease
ad for an airline like this one from Braniff international airways below would not fly today.
Yeah. A lot of things from back then wouldn't fly today. Uh, at least not in America. Oh, look at that.
Um, but this type of ad, which most would now consider objectifying towards women
was the only way to go in the sex sells day. Okay. Sorry. I was thinking about clicking
on the video. I was doing the math, whether I could do that and not get in trouble because
I'm advertising on this. Sorry. Let me go back to trying to read this. Uh, was the only way to go
in the sex sells day of the early jet age. Oh yeah, because they don't use sex to sell anything
anymore. Uh, Braniff was hugely popular in its heyday. Uh, their flight attendants wore psychedelic
trends from some of fashion's top designers such as Emilio Pucci. He fell off. I never heard of
that fucking guy. Pacific Southwest Airlines was another airline ever. I'm going to watch this
fucking video. Let's see what's going on here. Uh, Pacific Southwest Airlines was another airline.
Press start to play with color course advertising and there's a bunch of sexy women winking at me
and all this using sex to sell in 2018. What is going on here? Is this another ad? This is an ad
for Disneyland. Oh, you know what? Go fuck yourself. Fuck this video. Is this just clickbait? Is that
what I've done here? Um, was another and can I tell you something right now? I guarantee you all
these fucking hotties that were on this airline, they weren't the ones that bitched. It was ugly
women that couldn't get the fucking job. I came so sick of life. There's certain jobs you should
just be good looking. Okay. And as a fucking unsightly human being, I feel like I can say this
shit, right? You walk into a restaurant, you want to see somebody good looking, you know,
hotel, gym, all of that shit. This fucking thing now that you don't have to be good looking and
you could be like, uh, you know, overweight and all of that stuff is really not helping out fat
people. I can tell you that. Yes, they're getting a job, but they're still eating their way to a
fucking early grave. Who doesn't want to live? It's sort of what you're doing is as much as you're
giving them a job. You're also in this roundabout way in you kind of doing this assisted suicide.
You're kind of a part of it, right? In a food sense. I don't know what I'm talking about,
but I'm going to continue speaking. Pacific Southwest Airlines was another airline that
advertised the attractiveness of its flight attendants. They introduced the miniskirt 1965
in a book, long legs and short nights, former PSA flight attendant, Marilyn Tritt said there used
to be a distinction between flight attendants and stewardesses. Flight attendants were there for
safety while stewardesses were there to be eye candy, flirt and serve drinks. Yeah, that's your job.
The pilot passes out. Do you know how to fly the fucking plane?
Well, then start winking at people there, sweetheart. Um,
she noted stewardesses were not allowed to do PA announcements because nobody could understand
them. Okay, this is getting a little weird. Therefore, let's face it.
They were, they were along for the ride. No, they weren't. They were like they were serving drinks.
Marilyn Tritt Schwartz contacted me to let me know that I had misunderstood a quote and there
was not a distinction between stewardesses and flight attendants. They merely changed the job
titles. Once more men joined the industry. Yeah, these were called stewards. When she referred
to stewardesses as they because she was on herself, I misinterpreted that to mean that
there were actually two different jobs. So this guy really doesn't know what the fuck he's talking
about. Oh, this woman. What am I reading here? I don't even know. Many modern and dare I say older
flight attendants now considered stewardess a derogatory term toward their profession and even
their personal virtue because they take their job more seriously than being there simply to
serve as eye candy. All right, I'm done with this fucking article. All right, I learned absolutely
nothing other than the astounding lack of fucking research that I mean, I thought only I did that
on my podcast. This fucking person, he literally his article, rather than going back and correcting
it, he's fucking correcting himself. Like he writes the article and I realized I fucked up,
but he's just continuing on. Yeah, I mean, at the end of the fucking day, like this is just
I think what really fucking happened was flying back then was glamorous. Okay,
it was way more glamorous. You got treated way more. It was considered an amazing luxury
to be able to fly now. Everybody everybody fucking flies. They jammy in the back.
You know, you have to pay for food. I mean back then it was like coffee tea or me was was that
was basically the vibe back then. You know what I mean? And they're acting like
I don't know. I don't know what they're acting. They're acting like that
that there weren't some fucking women that that was an appealing job to
not everybody has a dream.
That's you know, something that's maybe that's what's going on right now was fucking all the
social medias is that everybody's acting like they're fucking Joe Montana. You know what I mean?
That they're like an Oscar winner. It's just most of us would just put background.
That's it with that guy in the fucking middle seat
staring at some woman serving a penis that is way out of their league that you never
have the balls to talk to. Not now. Everybody's a winner according to Oprah.
You could do whatever you want. It's going to be great. All your dreams are going to come true.
Nobody's going to try to steal your ideas. There's plenty of room for everybody at the top of the
mountain. That's just not the case. I hate to say that. It's just go out and look at a mountain.
Just look at the shape. There's plenty of room down the bottom. There's you know, there's less
but still a lot of room in the middle, but I should keep going higher and higher. You know,
I don't know. I don't even know what I'm talking about. I still don't understand why. So basically
flight attendants wanted to, they're still doing the same fucking job.
I don't know. Maybe now they actually know CPR or some shit like that.
They took a couple of Lamaze classes.
But you know, what are they going to do? You know what I mean? I mean, if like some terrorists go
to take over the plane, do they also have like Chinese stars that they're allowed to bring onto
the fucking plane? Please people, I don't want to be called a comedian anymore. I think that's
offensive because people just feel like I'm going to have a lampshade on my head. I would now like
to be called a a humor doctor, doctor humor, something or I'll come up with it. I don't want
to. I think it's very sexist to be called a comedian.
I don't know why, you know, other languages have male and female things. I think that's the thing
in my business too. Comedian, they don't want to be called a comedian. We have a comedian coming
to the stage. Look, why do you have to just make a distinction? I don't know. I don't know. I don't
know. Can we get a gender neutral microphone? That's probably going to be the next thing.
Maybe that microphones are shaped too much like dicks.
They can have more of a like a hermaphrodite style one. You can have like a dick coming out of vagina.
You know, something maybe like those old school Elvis ones. You could have that and just have
like a, I don't know where you speak into looks like a clip. I don't know. Is this technically
even like still a podcast? Let me just get to the questions this week. That went nowhere,
by the way. And I know a lot of it was ignorant. And I think I stand by it. All right, let's get to
the, let's get to the questions here. Jesus fucking Christ. Become a pilot. You know, do that then.
Become a pilot, run an airline. You want respect, do that. Okay. You fucking do that. These people,
these people on special teams all of a sudden want to be treated like quarterbacks. I just,
you're not a quarterback. Sorry. Oh shit. The all things comedy festival
is coming back again this year. And it's going to be a America theater in Phoenix, Arizona
and October 26th. Jesus Christ. Get your tickets early at ticket master. The pre-sale is Wednesday,
March 28th at 10 a.m. Public on sale is Friday, March 30th at 10 a.m. local time, both for both of
those. And I will be posting the link on my Twitter and my Instagram and my Facebook.
Just an internet douche. All right. Mr. Rogers movie. Oh, I love it. It's a beautiful day in the
neighborhood. A beautiful day in the neighborhood. Would you be mine? Could you be mine? I have
always wanted, I can't believe I remember this. Have a neighbor just like you. I've always wanted
to live in a neighborhood with you. So let's make the most of this beautiful day.
Don't call them stewardesses and don't say, Hey,
call them flight attendants. Make it seem like they have a master's degree. Would you like some
fucking peanuts? You will respect me and my slacks. Hello, Mr. Neighbors. Mr. Rogers movie.
Hey there, Bill. I'm writing to you here from Minneapolis and very much looking forward to
your upcoming show here. You know, back when I was a kid, you know, getting treated like
shit motivated you to get a better job, not demand that you're, you fucking be treated with respect
at the low level that you had attained in the job world. Anyway, I was wondering if you heard
about the movie being made about Mr. Rogers starring Tom Hanks as Fred Rogers. Coincidentally,
a movie trailer was also just released for a new documentary about Fred Rogers that just
premiered its Sundance and it looks awesome. I grew up watching Mr. Rogers as a kid and it's
really refreshing to look back at some of the clips that show what a great one of a kind person he was.
Did you grew up watching Mr. Rogers Neighborhood? Yes, I did. Mr. McFeely, speedy delivery.
And if so, what were your thoughts about them making a movie about him? Maybe you have a different
perspective now that you have a kid because it seems like there's so much awful shit that kids are
exposed to on TV and the internet and Mr. Rogers was a rare TV show which actually helps kids to
become better human beings. Last but not least, would you consider auditioning for the show's
longtime guest, Mr. McFeely? I think you'd look hilarious in that mailman hat with the
spectacles and the mustache. Thanks for being a great neighbor and go fuck yourself. I absolutely
would play Mr. McFeely. I loved Mr. Rogers when I was a kid. I liked Sesame Street better
and there was something about him that did make me a little uncomfortable when I was a kid.
I will admit that. No, I didn't like Lady Elaine and King Friday. I liked the trolley
when it went into the make-believe land or whatever but
I don't know, Lady Elaine and King Friday, they just used to make me sick to my stomach.
They just weren't as funny. They didn't have the personality of like Ernie or Grover, Harry,
the Cookie Monster. Those were like the guys of puppets over there on Sesame Street.
I just thought Mr. Rogers' neighbor was just a little stiff but I imagined that I learned
a bunch of great lessons. I was too young to understand like, oh, this guy's trying to teach
me how to be a better person. I was just a kid watching the shit, going, wouldn't that be cool
if we had a trolley in our house and then you could get on it and you'd go to a magical neighborhood
and avoid King Friday and Lady Elaine. She was fucking weird looking too, right?
I gotta look this up here. Lady Elaine. Lady, Lady, how do you spell Elaine?
Oh yeah, yeah, she was ugly as the hell with them. My god, lay off the booze.
Lady Elaine Fairchild, I never knew her last name, is a neighborhood mischief maker and having
learned from the Wizard of Lupovitch, often uses her boomerang, tumorang, sumerang. Oh my god,
I forgot about that. To do things such as rearrange the neighborhood or turn it upside down,
she's credited with the discovery of planet purple, purple which she found while flying
in or something or other. Well, you know, that would never happen now. That would be considered
sexist. Oh, why does the woman have to be the bad person? Well, she's in a position of power,
isn't that enough? No. Oh, what are you doing? Come on. All right. I think Tom Hanks is going
to do a great job because he always does. You know, like I would just said that like he's an
up-and-coming actor rather than a two-time back-to-back best actor. Do I call him an actress now? Is
that progressive? Should I not identify him by his gender? I don't fucking know. I don't know what
to do right now. I think it'd be interesting if they actually get into his whole life,
you know, but if it's just Tom Hanks doing an episode of Mr. Rogers and then,
I don't know. I don't fucking know. I watch sports. Why would you ask me about movies? All right.
Linked in business app. Dear Billy Balloonhead. My girlfriend and I have been together. Is
girlfriend one or two words? That was one word. My girlfriend and I have been together for a year.
For the past two months, she's been out of work for two months and has been using this business
app to get work online. It has never bothered me. As of Revan, I think you said recently,
as of Revan, Revan Lee, me, she has been getting notifications from the app.
I don't know what any of that means. I didn't think anything of it, but I noticed that she had
gotten a message in the middle of the night. Oh, as of recently, this is a voice text.
Revan Lee, Revan Lee, me, as of recently, she has been getting notifications from the app.
I didn't think anything of it,
but I've noticed that she has gotten a message, gotten a message in the middle of the night.
I asked her about it and she always tells me that it's strictly professional and that it's just
business men seeking to employ. Do you think that app is just to cover up for meeting men?
She would meet on apps like Tinder.
I don't know, dude, but it doesn't sound like you fucking trust your girlfriend,
which is definitely an issue. So what you have to figure out is if you don't trust her because
your gut's saying she's shady or is it some of your own shit that you brought because of a previous
relationship or possibly something that happened to you as a child when you were watching Mr. Rogers,
calling women stewardesses.
I don't know, it's possible. Women are really good at fucking around,
which is why they don't get caught as much as guys do. Guys, you know,
guys are the worst, you know, we just fucking, we get caught.
Anyways, he wants, I don't know, I don't know what to tell you to do there.
So now you got to start snooping and then if you get caught and you're wrong,
then what, where does that leave you?
Just tell her it's making you feel insecure and you would just, can you just, you know,
and it's your issue. Can you just see one of the texts next time it happens
and then just say sorry. I don't know. I just love you so much. I was worried that somebody else
will steal your passions and talk your way out of it that way. Does that work? I don't know.
This is not professional advice. He wants to get married. I don't. Hey Bill,
you're found of cynical humor and knowledge that I've admired for years.
Yo, you are a found. Oh Jesus Christ. So I wanted to ask some advice. Hey, this is not
professional advice. My boyfriend proposed two years ago after I said yes, he said he wanted
to keep it a secret since he hadn't met my parents yet except via Skype calls. They live
across the country. My parents kept canceling their plans to visit last minute. So he planned
to visit them for this past Christmas where he would publicly propose Jesus. Chris is the longest
proposed 11. I kept this a secret for two years. We only had two fights, but each time he broke off
the engagement, only to apologize and make up the next day. One month prior to the trip,
he says he wants to postpone proposing due to finances since we will be moving to another
States after I graduate. I understand. Uh, why spend five grand on a wedding when we'll soon
need that to get a house? Well, the next day he admitted the other reasons because I had gained
weight after getting on birth control and anxiety met. Yeah, you fuck this guy.
I'm getting a master's in physics and have a part time job. So sorry if I couldn't hit the gym
enough. Uh, well, that's no excuse. You should also fucking eat. Well, and I'm not saying that about
him and your relations should do it for yourself because you really do not want the health issues
that fucking start earliest in your late thirties and into your forties. Um, you know, I've lost
you know, I've lost friends to heart attacks that look like they're in the same shape as me,
but I don't know. You got to get checked up. Um, just cause you're busy. This is what you do.
You fucking cook all your food on the weekend and that you got to make that a fucking priority
because it's going to be stressful enough. But anyways, I still maintain at this point. Fuck
this guy. Anyways, that Christmas was so depressing, but who could I talk to? The engagement was a
secret. I told him being engaged was a joke. I don't want to be on this roller coaster anymore
or ever again. Now he's hurt because he says marriage isn't is important to him.
He does want to marry me just not yet hot. No, thanks. I'm good. He said, well, we'll just
revisit this later. Your thoughts from one cynical ginger to another. Thanks for the left. Yeah,
fuck this guy. Fuck this guy. This, this is what, this is what this guy's an asshole.
I want to postpone the engagement because you gain weight. That's what the fuck you're going
to hit your wagon to. Fuck this guy. Yeah, fuck that guy. Um, and you seem really strong and you
get, you know, you're getting this master's degree in physics. You can be out there designing
roller coasters or whatever the fuck you're going to be doing. You don't need this guy.
By the way, I watched this thing that I had recorded, you know, my wife's like,
well, you got two minutes stuff on the DVR, right? Whatever the fuck you call it nowadays.
So we had to go back and erase a bunch of shit that I taped. I kept all my Super Bowl highlights
and I kept, um, the Patriots versus Seattle and Patriots versus Atlanta had no problem
erasing Patriots versus Eagles. Um, and I don't know where those Patriots versus
Giants games went. Jeez. Um, Ethel Merman. All right, you want to talk about a fucking hilarious
human being? Uh, I gotta find this fucking thing. Ethel Merman, she was, all right, we were watching
this fucking thing on the JFK inauguration, which was supposed to be broadcast by NBC.
And, uh, there was a horrific snowstorm. They were in this weird venue.
It was like Frank Sinatra, Nat King Cole, Ethel Merman, uh, uh, Milton Burl.
Who else? Gene Kelly, Harry Belafonte, Ella Fitzgerald. I mean, it was crazy lineup.
And, um, Jimmy Durante and all this shit. This was like, it was a big deal that this was the
first time like marrying Hollywood and politics. Now where that's led us is probably a bad thing, but
um, it was just on a watching all these performances and everything. So watch an Ethel Merman and
she's literally wearing just like this winter coat during the performance because she went
there for rehearsals and she got stuck in the snow and couldn't get back to her hotel. And
she was a Republican and still sang to the president and rather than all these fucking
douches today, she put her politics aside and she did it. And as she was singing, Nia just goes,
she said something like that. There's, there's a fucking, there's a tough broad and I just started
laughing and I said, what do you mean? She goes, you can just see it. She's, she's been through it all.
Bunch of asshole guys and she survived. She's seen it all and blah, blah, blah. So I look her up and
of course Nia was a hundred percent right. She'd been married like four times
and she was married one time for like three months to Ernest Borgnein and they got divorced. All
they did was argue and she, one of the things she said was extreme cruelty. So there's a quote,
I wish I could find the fucking thing. Um, let me, I gotta find, because I, because she said it so
perfectly. This is, you want to talk about somebody hilarious that you'd love to hang out with?
Ernest, I just put in Ethel Merman, Ernest and Cunt. Ernest Borgnein, Ethel Merman. There we go.
The classic Ethel Merman story. All right, of course this is going to be some douche turning
it into an entire fucking, entire fucking blog. God damn assholes.
Okay. Yeah. So she, she was in her brief marriage. Merman was on some fucking,
she was on some fucking movie set and she came home. She was all excited because the director
had complimented her saying her, she had the voice of like a 25 year old, you know, the face,
and it's just like she was like 60. All right. 35 year old face and a 35 year old figure.
And she said, and then Ernest Borgnein said, Oh yeah, he goes, did he bring up your old Cunt?
And she goes, no, he didn't mention you once. Something like that. I don't know.
They find that this isn't, this isn't written as well. And what about your 65 year old Cunt?
And she said, nobody mentioned you at all. I've seen this thing written like five different
ways. She also did it. She did a guest star on some sitcom and they had a cursed jar and she
was in the middle of whatever sketch they were doing that she just stopped. She goes,
what the hell is this going? And then the star of the show was just like,
Ethel, you know, my rule that'll cost you a dollar. And she just goes, ow, honey,
what would it cost me to tell you to go fuck yourself?
So Ethel Merman. Ethel Merman is a, I'm a new, I'm a big fan of hers. Unfortunately,
she passed away a long time ago. So you can't go out and have a drink with her,
but just seem fucking hilarious. All right, let me read the last goddamn question here
so I can move on with my fucking life. Why do I keep doing this? I keep going away from my fucking
the questions here. This is like unprecedented the amount of times I fuck this up.
And you guys have to listen to me. I'm precedent for this podcast, I should say.
All right, content. Here's the last one. The last one
is a jealous boyfriend. I love that the women are finally writing it. All right,
hello, Bill Burr. I really love your podcast. Thank you. And I was wondering what your thoughts
on a situation I am going through. This is my first serious relationship. My boyfriend and I just
moved in about four months ago. I have, I have always fucking known that he's been over protective
and somewhat jealous. However, I started to progress more and more. Oh, get out,
get out. I trust him that he's not cheating on me. Of course, like many other women,
I can be self conscious and think that maybe he could stray or do better, but I have never
once accused him of cheating on me, not once. However, he has caused me
what he has caused me of cheating on. He's accused. Dude, these are all voice text. He has
caused me of cheating on him. He's accused me of cheating on him multiple times. The worst case
of when should have been of which he made accusations was fairly recently. I just got a
full, a new full-time job. I was only working part-time minimum wage job, which I'm very excited
about to have this full-time job. So that he is not the only one working. I feel like I can
contribute now. However, he started accusing me of cheating on him with some minute work,
even though there is no evidence. He even started accusing me of cheating on him with his own cousin.
He's the one that helped me get the job. His accuses, again, dump this guy. His accusations
are not just him speaking, but yelling, hitting walls and scaring me to the point
like he might get violent. All right. Here's what you do. Okay. Put a deposit down on another
fucking apartment. Okay. One day when he goes to work, you take a fucking sick day. All right.
You get a friend. You clear all your shit out of there. Yeah. Fuck this guy. Fuck this guy.
All right. You don't want to be anywhere near this guy. You don't want to be around this guy
when you break up with him. He seems like a, I don't like any of this. He doesn't even want
me to wear shorts and we live in this area that gets hot. I am not the type of person to show a
lot of skins. However, when it's hot, I would like to wear shorts. You see what's going on here?
This guy's taken over your whole life. I'm just wondering if this, if his thoughts
that me wearing shorts is disrespectful to him, to the point he is just a, wait a minute. I'm
just wondering if his thoughts that me wearing shorts is different, disrespectful to him, to
the point he is justified breaking up with me over this. I am not sure where to draw the line.
Oh, you should have drawn the line a while ago. Let me ask you this. If any girlfriend you had
was telling you this story, you would be like, get the fuck out, right? I really believe that I love
and care about him. That's the problem. However, when he does, when love, when does love turn into
more of an obsession? Also, what is considered an abusive or unhealthy relationship? I would say
this. I would really like to know your thoughts. You are straight up and I believe you'll be able
to give some good advice, especially since you will not have real bias since you don't know us.
Thank you. Yeah, you should get the, as far as your version of what's going on, you should get the
fuck out of here. Just the fact that he's choosing you or cheating on him and with your, with his
cousin, which is fucking weird and then yelling and hitting the walls. I mean, you're already,
you're already gone. You should be gone. And now the fact that he's telling you what you can and
can't wear. Fuck this guy. So the problem is, is you moved in with the guy. So if you break up
with the guy, what are you going to go into another room and then you got to worry about this guy,
you know, doing God knows what. Do you have any male friends? Do you have a brother? Somebody,
you know, they can help protect you when you get your shit out of there. I would get another
fuck. I mean, this is the type of situation. I wouldn't fuck your pride. I would move back
in with my parents if I had to and drive longer to work. Get the fuck out of that.
And it's the easiest breakup ever, as far as the reasons. I don't know because you don't trust me
because you think I'm fucking your cousin to the point you're acting like Jeff Goldblum in the
fly and start punching the goddamn door jams out. Oh, and by the way, it's 90 degrees out and I can't
wear shorts because you and your fragile ego can't fucking handle it. And I wouldn't say it this
way because this guy sounds like a lunatic. I don't know, what could you say that would just
make this guy go away? Just say, ah, you know, I just decided that I want to get really fat and
wear shorts. And I didn't want to put you through that. I don't know what to tell you, but I would
get out of this. And when somebody's violent like this, I would be concerned about your own safety.
So like I said, I would take a,
this is what you do. All right, I figure you sound like a young, so you probably don't have that
much shit. So I would just whatever your friend is that's going to help you move out, you put the
boxes together over her house. All right, and then bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump,
you fucking go in there. All right, you just act like you go into work and then you don't fucking go
to work. Okay. And I would even tell you, boss, just say, listen, I am living with a guy I have
to break up with and I'm afraid he's going to get violent. So he's at work today. I'm going to act
like I'm going to work and I'm going to clear my shit out of that. And I think you should be
fine. And then you guys fucking, and he probably wants some fucking help, you know, because he's
a good dude and then also maybe maybe he's trying to fuck you. Wait a minute. Maybe your boyfriend's
actually making a good point. No, I'm kidding. Go in there and I would just clear all your fucking
shit out. And I would fucking, yeah, and I would go live somewhere else. And then I would have one
last conversation with this guy and I would change my cell phone number. And that's it. And I don't
know, depending on where the fuck you live, maybe you can just, he won't be able to find you. But
yeah, this is just this is good. This is the beginning. This has the beginnings of someone
that's going to stalk you and possibly do something fucking horrible. Fuck this guy. All right.
I wish my wife was here to hear this goddamn email. She's always talking about, you know,
a fucking difficult person I am. You know, I'm gonna fucking print this email out and put it
on her side of the bed on the pillow. I should be making jokes like this. Yeah,
I would get the fuck out of it. And that's it. And I would go find love with somebody that's
excited that you got a new job that you're going to be participating and that and let you wear
shorts when it's hot out. There you go, everybody. That's the podcast for this week. Go fuck yourselves
and I'll check on Thursday. Congratulations to the Ferrari team for winning the next one is I
believe in Bahrain or something like that. And then they go to fucking Singapore. All right, I'll see you.
And cook me. Yeah, top the leise. Me with a cleaver.