Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 3-27-17

Episode Date: March 27, 2017

Bill rambles about malls, Formula 1 and his shit-ass house.

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2017 2017 Fucking decades flying by You know, what happened to 2011, 2012, 2013 Can somebody tell me that? 14 was cool Vaguely remember 15 And then 16

And you know, I want to thank everyone who whined so much about it last year Oh my god, this is the worst year ever I mean, that one's pretty vivid Lot of crying Lot of crying And I don't mean for the right reasons Like David Bowie and Prince Passing But you know, Hillary losing and that type of shit

Lot of crying Lot of whining Um Anyways, I uh I don't even know what to fuck to tell you I've been uh, been being fucking daddy daycare here You know what I did for the first time we finally went out, right? Me and Neil were going fucking crazy

Because you have a baby, you have a little baby You have a little lady This is the thing If it's your first kid, you're fucking scared to death I can't take this thing outside It's gonna get Ebola You get all fucking nervous You know

And then it's got to get its fucking immunizations And all that type of shit And you just let go and Neil, who do I fucking believe here? Jesus Christ, I'll tell you those fucking Shots, this is what I actually I just sat down, I was like Nobody who's ever been in the medical field Told me not to do it

I've had comedians School friends Uh Fucking actresses A bunch of non-doctors have advised to go What am I not gonna get her fucking vaccinated for polio? No, it's not that What it is is this

Shut the fuck up, do you even own a lab coat? All you're doing is scaring the shit out of me So Anyways So we were, you know, you're fucking afraid So finally we're just like, alright, fuck this We got a stroller You know, so we started taking walks around the block

But my block has like the shittiest Sidewalk It's like, uh, you know The ground's all shifted out here There's tree roots pushing it up You have no idea when you're just walking down the street You know, you start pushing the stroller And you're trying to keep the kid quiet

You know Cause she finally fell asleep It's like fucking liquid nitrogen I'm just trying to keep her, I don't want to ever start crying In the middle of the street Just going down the street, waking everybody up And I guess they were already awake I don't know, so we finally

Ended up going to the mall I had that experience I went to the mall With my wife and my kid We pulled in Had to take out a stroller Take her out of the car seat, put her in And start walking around the mall

And I gotta tell you, it was fucking awesome I, for the first time in my life I get the mall I get it You know It's for teenage kids When they're trying to get away from their parents Like, mom, just leave me alone

That era before you have a license Really, you can't really go anywhere You just need some sense of fucking freedom And it's for after you become a parent You have to get out of the fucking house Into some sort of controlled environment Where there's enough goddamn people That you don't have to worry about anybody

You're a goddamn kid, you know So we walked around and Just had a great fucking time It was like the perfect day And, you know Nia was all excited to be out Because, you know Women just thought, Jesus, the shit they go through

Being the guy, it's the best I swear to God, it's why they fucking I think it's why they make our lives so goddamn miserable Is that they see how easy it is And the thing is, we don't realize how easy it is Because we've only been us You know what I mean? How long it takes them to get ready

Do you know how long it takes me to get ready Now I got a fucking shaved head I didn't even have to do anything You could literally hose me off In the backyard And I could, you know I'd be ready in like seven minutes Easy, seven minutes

Because I always got to run around and find my cell phone For like five of those minutes But if I actually was organized I could be ready in like three minutes Anyways Yeah, they go through all of that shit, you know what I mean? They got a breast feed They got a pump, all of that crap

I don't have to do any of that, you know what I mean? So she was going fucking nuts Dealing with Everything that nature put on her And she finally had to get out of the house And it's the happiest I've seen her We walked around, had a great time You know what they have at malls now? This is the second mall I've been to

They have like a Tesla Store Who the fuck just goes to the mall and buys a car? You know what I mean? You go there, you buy sunglasses Right, a fucking hula hoop Whatever it is, you buy a car So I can't resist I got to go in there, right?

What's the deal with this thing? Zero to sixty? Two point five? The guy's like two point three Oh, that's amazing It was up in San Jose, the guy told me two point five He shaved off another two hundredths of a second And I'm like alright So I get four adults in there And he goes you can get five

And I go and I'm still going to go zero to sixty And two point three seconds It doesn't make any sense all that way What am I up to there? About two point nine, three And he goes eh, probably two six It's like what are you basing that on other than the fact You want to make a commission?

What am I basing mine on? I don't fucking know So he goes alright Let's take a look at this over here I go dude I just bought a car, I love it I'm not going to buy a car, I'm going to tell you right now But I just want to see if I got the car that I wanted What this thing's going to cost me So I go give me the one with the motor

The all wheel drive Alright I went black I didn't want to get the black interior because it's hard as shit out here So the guy goes do you want the fucking The full moon roof and everything? I go dude look at me I'm almost an albino and I have a shaved head

And he goes no no the tints crazy on it I said alright put it on the fucking car What do I care I'm not buying this thing right Give me the best you know Best tires, best rims, best Best fucking everything Then they had this thing for five grand When you get on the highway it kind of drives it

Kind of helps you And I was like dude why would I buy a car like this And have something else drive I want to drive it I don't need that shit right so that I didn't get Everything else I got and in the end I took a picture of it Ah fuck I don't need the exact number In the end you know what it cost

$152,000 The fuck And what kills me is someone is going to go to the mall And buy one of those $152,000 Fucking dollars I just wish they looked cooler I love the fucking tires And everything and you know if you get the right

Tires and rims and shit really Help that car and the front end definitely Looks better I don't know man it looks like That four door Porsche that's ugly as shit That Panamera whatever that You know they always try to do that In like the car commercials

Well they have a two door car They have the dad and then he has the baby And then he grabs the bumper and he turns it into A four door car like oh wow This is like a sports car But it's a four door sedan, no it isn't It's a four door sedan But that's trying to be a sports car

That's ugly, that's why I like the Mercedes The BMW and the Jaguars Because they still look like cars Like four door sedan Then you step on the gas it's like oh shit Look at this, who knew I don't even know what I'm talking about here Anyway so we ended up having a

Great time and I Walked by the The fucking What store is that thing Whoever, the one that looks like the letter H It's not Nike or Adidas, it's the other one It's the one that fucking Steph Curry has

And in the window They had these ugly ass basketball shoes And I looked and it said Curry Threes Dude Dundee ahead What do you like better The Kobe 11's Or the Curry Threes

I don't know dude, the Curry Threes You know With a fucking A pair of jeans and a hoodie dude Over With your chain on the outside Male Fashionistas

Dude Jordan Threes Alright Jordan Threes Okay With the pair of Joe's jeans Alright And a button down in a new Yankee Dude, new Yankee had dude In a

Slice of pizza Does it get any better Playing Playstation on the TV Inside Dallas Cowboy's Stadium Crazy, ultimate bachelor party dude A pair of fucking Jordan

Nines Right, jeans cuffed Creased With an V-neck t-shirt Extra soft Playing Playstation With a slice of pizza in a fucking Cowboy's

Stadium Does it get any better Than that dude Sorry I don't know what it is I like sneakers and I've actually been buying some I just like the old ones Like I got a pair of shell toes and I got a pair of early 80's

Fucking Adidas like high tops Like I don't know what the When fucking Picasso started designing these God damn things, it's like It makes no sense I'm gonna get in trouble for this shit I'm gonna say later on in this podcast I don't even know what the fuck to tell you

I got some shout outs to do, I never give shout outs right And I just had a bunch That were just piling up And I'm like I finally got to give out some fucking Shout outs and then, but I just never Get around to them No extra work, I never give a fuck

But then finally Somebody tip me over the fucking Edge, right? I gotta give this person a shout out So first of all, let's get The opener and the feature out of the way Shout out to Eric and Bose

For hooking me up with some of those Bose headphones I was bitching about People being loud on the plane By the way, this is not so I can get more free shit I don't want any more shit I'm getting rid of shit If you give me free shit, I'm gonna give it away Or I'm gonna send it down to fucking Goodwill

And it's gonna end up in a truck that sits in a warehouse And then they're gonna dump it in the ocean So I don't want any shit A nice email Hey Bill, like your stuff, that's just fine But if somebody did send me, you gotta say thank you Shout out to Eric and Bose

And then James Shotwell I did this thing this weekend Rock Against MS Where I got to give an award To Richard Pryor's widow Jennifer Pryor And Richard suffered from that disease And of course he turned it into comedy And set out the disease actually slowed him down

So he could live longer Which is really fascinating That that's probably true And anyways, James Shotwell was down there doing I don't know, working like the sounder I got to see all these fucking killer bands These amalgams Like fucking Allison Chains

With Nancy Wilson from Heart Coming out crushing it And then she brought her new band Outro Case Royale And they fucking killed it Dude, she's still a beast I got to see Stephen Adler Play with an all-star band

He played The hell did he play? He played the Ramones I want to be sedated I was standing like 10 feet away from him I got to watch him play Welcome to the jungle and Rocket Queen And see all these subtle things

First of all, I get to see all the genius drum parts That fit so perfectly to that song And then just the different ways that he played them You know that part? It's really, I always thought he was on both tom's He's just riding on the floor tom And on the second snare here comes over with the flam That's that little shit!

When you're a drum nerd like me, I'm like That's how he fucking plays it And of course he was cool as shit He's such a fucking great guy A couple people Were there that had MS He let him sit right behind them While he played

When he finished playing, he came out He high-fived everybody in the front row Dude, we were at the LA Theater In downtown LA And I guess it was a theater Charlie Chaplin Okay, and when you walk in In the foyer, there's a picture

Of Charlie Chaplin walking in The night it first opened With Albert Einstein And Of course I missed that photo Somebody told me he was there, but downstairs They have this kids room That still has the original paint

So they say don't touch the walls And of course it's all these creepy fucking drawings Like being a kid was so fucking scary back then All these creepy drawings Of clowns and horses and shit And Someone was trying to claim And I refuse to believe that this is true

That's why you brought your babies when they cried And if they got really loud, they had these little like cabinets You just open the door and you put the baby in And you close the door It's like even downstairs They could still hear it, I refuse to believe that that's true But I ended up I co-hosted it with Craig Gas

Who, that guy's impressions A fucking unbelievable man Is Sam Kinnison His Gene Simmons Sebastian Bach And he's hung out with all of these guys So he has all these unreal stories And he does dead on impressions

And Jim Florentine was there It was an amazing fucking night So thank you to Nancy Sale for putting that whole thing on And I'll do it any year that they want And then lastly, but leasely Got it Actually, I got a request from somebody

Who says That she's a fan A lady fan of the podcast In my stand up But what she requested I guess is already over She's trying to be In next year's

Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Lisa Marie Jafta But the voting's already closed So I don't know I don't know if it was real or not Maybe that it was a real email And then she sent the video going No, seriously, I know you're a bald

Middle-aged cunt But I actually like your stuff If you could send your listeners over to vote for me You know, maybe I can get in the issue Next year And I don't know That's such a weird world You know what I mean?

You don't need to fuck me up about that world One time, Nia had me watch this fucking thing About it and they had this creep That was like the go-to guy And he called himself Uncle Terry Anybody who's not your uncle Ladies

Anybody who's not your uncle He just called me uncle so and so Yeah, he's trying to fuck you This guy was one of the creepiest fucking people I've ever seen in my goddamn life So anyways My apologies The voting is already fucking over

I don't even know if this I don't even know if it was real to be honest with you But you know what, I'm a middle-aged bald man That's wanting To believe that that's true That's really all I have And speaking of swimsuit models Oh, Billy Fatt hits here

He's been fucking doing great on the elliptical I'm back at it, man I fucked up last night and had a glass of booze Oh, the booze won last night I just had a glass which is probably Considered a triple in any fucking hipster bar But I was gonna go to bed

I wasn't gonna have it, you know I've been doing good, I stopped beating at five And at eleven thirty You know Nia had come home I was hanging out with my daughter the whole night, man She was a riot Jesus Christ, dude

She had two apocalyptic fucking diapers yesterday It was just like It was just like really I don't think I, I don't think I I don't think we've bought enough provisions To Ever get this fixed again So

She came home late And And I was just gonna go to bed And I kept playing mental tennis Should I have a glass, don't have glass, try to lose weight Should I have a glass, don't have it I was looking like, come on You know what the booze was like, it was like Jimmy the gent

You know After they fucking did the Lifuanza heist However you say The bottle was just over there and going, come here, yo Come here, yo You know when Henry comes walking in So I had one, so I don't know

I'm at like 181.2 And I've just been in the 80s I hate being in the 80s That's when I just, when I Get around on the couch just to go reach for the remote You just feel the rolls going On the side of you, you know I don't know how people do it, I don't know how you just walk around

Being a fucking fat body, I don't know why you Tolerate that, you got one fucking Life and you, you know god damn Well in the back of your head, you don't know where you go After this, okay Let's say best case scenario You get reincarnated Alright, cause the whole heaven hell

Thing, it's the same thing every day After a while, it's not even gonna have any value Waiting to light me on fire again, okay What is it, another perfect day Oh boy, you're gonna be like those teenagers At the mall God, I'm so bored, right Best case scenario

You get reincarnated The fucking odds that you're gonna come back again As a human being, I mean you know If you can come back as a fucking mouse Or some shit like, you know Fucking run around almost having a heart attack Is some reptile is slowly tracking you Getting eaten alive, you know

This is the best you got So you can fucking sit here and become a tub of shit You don't, you owe it to yourself This is what I've been doing This has been the breakfast of a freckled champion Every morning I wake up and I go out To the garage and

What do I do I go to, I go In the fucking elliptical As my My rotator cuff is slowly Getting better, today I did some lady pushups I was gonna do 20 I was like, don't push it, stop to 12

Stop to 12, just trying to keep The fucking mantits from sagging down Into my navel I do like A half hour On the On the elliptical And then I come in for breakfast, I have one of those little oranges

And I have a A poached egg And that's it And then I have a banana Going there and lunch And then for lunch I have some sort of protein Well, you know Maybe with a little bit of bread, some sort of

Bread's the enemy, go fuck yourself It's the only bread I have And then I don't know what the fuck it is Then I have a protein with the salad At four, protein with the salad at six And then I'm done, then I just drink water For the rest of the night, in theory

Unless the fucking Jimmy the jet moment happens And I get fucked over Um Anyways So I have to do this shit I gotta get my ass back down My birthday's coming up in June I'm gonna be 49 fucking years old

Which I'm actually pretty, I'm alright with it Once you have a kid, you kinda are alright with being old You're like, other than that You're like, oh my god, I'm 47, I don't have a kid Um I'm just gonna die alone Um Gonna be 49, and there's no fucking way

I'm gonna be in the 180s, it's just not gonna happen I'm telling you right now I'm going to be 172 My fighting weight, that's where the hell I wanna be My shoulder's gonna be healed And I have a bet with Paul Verzi That when I'm 70 years old, I'm gonna be able to do 10 pull ups And if I don't get this rotator cuff

Fixed I'm gonna be fucked, cause all I keep thinking about Is Jordan When he came back on the wizards You know And that was the first time you really saw a drop off At the playing level, cause not only was he gone for 3 years He didn't really play

And when you stop, that's when you're fucked That's what I've learned Trying to get it back It's hard It's really fucking hard Although Dean Del Rey Who crushed it in San Jose

Dean Del Rey in San Jose Told me he's doing sets of 20 fucking pull ups I've never done 20 pull ups in my life Straight I just can't get past like 16 He's 51 years old, can do 20 pull ups Sets of 20

There's always hope Is this like an inspirational podcast bill? Used to shit on stuff Alright, I will But I can't I've gotten such little material Out of having a daughter I thought like, ah fuck, here we go

My whole act is gonna fucking change, man And It's so awesome You know, what am I gonna do? Talk about how great it is You know what I do is I pretty much In my act, I just shit on people that talk about how difficult Parenting is

You know what I mean? I'm not saying I'm not walking around sleepy as shit all the time But you know, come on You know Go watch that fucking movie I told you to watch Well, they tortured that kid that plays the violin That guy from Peaky Blinders Is in it

Go watch that fucking thing Watch what those people went through And tell me that being a parent is hard Anyways, sorry Plowing ahead Oh, what happened? Where do I start? Do I talk F1? Do I talk about the Celtics?

Do I talk about the Bruins? Playing for their playoff Fighting for their playoff lives Let's talk Bruins and then I'll do a little advertising here The Bruins fucking 84 points We lost four fucking games in a row We just won one of those goddamn games We are now

We were like all the way up to like I think a fourth seed at one point Or a fifth seed, we are now an eighth seed Toronto is ahead of us I heard that goaltender got hurt though Where the fuck is it? I had this goddamn standings What did I deal with it?

Anyways I don't know We got a huge win, thank you to Riley Nash For those two fucking huge goals against The Islanders, we got the Predators On Tuesday And then we play the Staz This is a big fucking

Boston team week Dude, you gonna watch the Bees versus the Staz So I'm against the Predators, dude And I'm gonna go out on a limb And say we kinda have to win both of those fucking games Or hope everybody beneath us Just keeps losing Unreal

This is the third year in a row We're just The bottom's falling up, but you know what? I slowly see improvement though And I can see how this could be a team That could actually score a ton of goals in the future You know, I saw on their website today The frozen four is happening

And we got like We have four prospects in the frozen four this year So who knows The frozen four versus the NHL is a big fucking leap But who knows Maybe there's an Austin What the fuck is his name? Matthew's in there, who knows But anyways, dude, speaking of that shit

Speaking of the frozen four, what about the final four I barely paid attention man Cause I've been running around being a dad And everything, but every time I've just like You heard me going Duke lost Then I'm like Kansas lost, Kentucky lost The final four As I remember Verzi telling me was

It's North Carolina, understandable South Carolina Gonzaga And I forget who the other team is Basically there's no Everybody's bracket is fucked at this point If your bracket isn't fucked, if there's somebody out there That actually

Picked this year's final four in the NCAA You either don't know shit About fucking basketball and just Guest Or your dad's in the mob And something's going down this year Because just everybody's out of it I don't know who I'm gonna vote for

Gonzaga South Carolina My teams were Duke or Kansas And I was always like UCLA And they all got UCLA They got fucking knocked out You don't annoy me that day, I was walking down the street And fucking UCLA fans

All of a sudden everybody's rabid out here You know what, I was wearing a Bruins sweatshirt And I'm walking down the street and this guy goes Hey, it's UCLA Bruins Not Boston Bruins And I just laughed, yeah man you guys are good this year He's like yeah we are and walked away And I was like wait a minute

And I was at the car wash and I fucking looked it up Like who was the Bruins first And it was like UCLA's basketball team was around Before the Boston Bruins But their first year in like 1918 or something They were the UCLA Cubs

And then the next year They switched to the Grizzlies And in like 1928 They joined, I don't know It was the Pac something Pac 10, Pac 12 I don't know what the fuck it was back then Pac 8, I have no idea but like

There was some team from Montana that was already the Grizzlies And in 1928 They switched to the UCLA Bruins However, the Boston Bruins Were in 1924 Alright So all do respect To Coach Wooden

All do respect to the UCLA program I actually like the school and everything But when it comes to that Bruins shit Go fuck yourself, alright We were there first Okay, so you stand The fuck down, it's a different sport It's a pro sport

So relax, you know I've been replaying that in my head that I wish I had that information You know, I wish They were in the Final Four and I would I'm such an argumentative cunt I would actually fucking Maybe drive over to Westwood and get

Some air quote lunch and just walk around with that shirt So I could be like Ah, 1924 Versus 1924, you were the Cubs Then you were the Grizzlies Hey, know your history, know your history You know, like I'm the fucking Guru, like I just didn't look that shit up

Cause some guy was a cunt to me near the car wash Um, alright, let's do some Reads here for this week YouTube channel announcement Oh, yeah, I gotta do that too, alright Internet privacy Oh, these are the reads for this week This is the shit that people sent in

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There's a lot of traffic Everybody's slowing down Watching somebody change a tire Anyways, let's talk some F1 action Did anybody, did you watch The Australian Grand Prix Grand Prix Down in Melbourne

Australia It was a great fucking race The hype that this year, the Ferraris Were going to be good I've only watched this sport for one season So I don't know shit about it All I know is last year, it was all about the Mercedes team Lewis Hamilton, Nico Rosberg

You know, they had the whole days of thunder You know, I'm the guy who's been around the block I'm the other fuck, I'm the Tom Cruise guy Somebody's fucking Robert Duvall And everybody else was just watching Last year And if those two guys didn't hate each other

It would have been fucking boring as shit Because basically every race Was a race to the first corner Whoever got there first Was just driving through clean air And the cars were so equally matched Nobody could catch up with somebody You basically had to fuck up where your car died

So all the exciting racing Was like, you know, 4th, 5th, 6th place Or whatever Three psychos going after it For the last, you know, championship point As they say, you know, back in 10th place That was exciting But up front, it was just Lewis Hamilton

Or Nico Rosberg just doing laps It was, you know, kind of got a little boring So this year, they were talking about How Ferrari Was very quiet, eerily quiet During the off-season, working on their Suspension and the engine

And all that type of shit with the new regulations Whatever the fuck they are, I don't know what they are And that they were going to make A serious challenge For Against Mercedes this year So the fucking race starts And the Australian dude

I already forget his name Rico Riekenberg, I have no fucking idea Like, eventually I'll get these people's names down Ricky Rocket, I forget Okay, everybody wanted him to win The poor bastard, he's down there And they're taking like The warm-up lap

Or whatever And not even the warm-up lap Getting ready to get into position Just to do the warm-up lap And his car gets stuck in sixth gear We've all been there, right, the side of the highway Except he's got 100,000 people And a fucking zillion millions of fans around the world

Watching this shit So they've got to push his car And they've got to take out the fucking transmission In like five minutes, throw a new one in there And try to get it back in the fucking car Before the race starts That alone, if they just showed that, that would have been amazing They kind of kept cutting back to it

Right out there until the second lap He was already two laps down So that kind of sucked for all the Australian fans And then his car shit the bed Halfway through the race However, so the race fucking starts Alright I think Lewis Hamilton had the pole

And then Sebastian Vettel For Ferrari Was in second place And Lewis had a great start And he was out front And I go, well, I guess that's it This year, right? So they get about 20 laps in

And Lewis Hamilton pits It's one of these races, it's like 57 laps And the announcers are saying that they were going to pit one time And it's all when you pit And blah blah blah blah blah So all this shit is becoming fascinating to me So Lewis Hamilton goes into pit Right?

Sebastian Vettel was, I don't know how far behind A couple seconds behind He decides to stay out there So the whole time Lewis was out there in first place Sebastian's behind him Alright? So Lewis is driving In the clean air

It's like, you know, if you're on a fucking On a lake and it's just still water You could go way faster in your boat As opposed to if the water was all fucking Choppy, you gotta go slower That's the same thing except it's with air I'm just saying this for everybody else out there Who's dumb like me and the fact that air is invisible

You don't understand it So, no matter what this guy's doing Sebastian Vettel, he can only get so close To Lewis Hamilton Because all the air coming off of him And I guess the tires are bigger this year Which causes more turbulence He's going to use more fuel

And chew up more of his tires If he gets too close to him Which is really fucking, I don't know I don't know if that's a good or a bad thing So Hamilton was having problems with the tire He pits early So the Ferrari team takes the gamble They're gonna stay out there

So Sebastian now is in first place Driving into clean air He's got the nice smooth lake Except it's a car and it's going through air He's still with me and he stays out there for one lap And they go, he's definitely gonna come in For the second lap Meanwhile, Lewis Hamilton came right back out of the pits

And then was technically In fourth place But he's already pitted The other two guys in front of him have to pit And so does the other guy So now he's driving in dirty air back there So Sebastian's flying around the track He goes around a second time

And you know The tires are getting chewed up He's driving like a fucking maniac And then he comes around a third time And they're like, he's not gonna fucking stay out there He stayed out there again And now basically It was like this was the most exciting part

Because this is the fucking race So basically what he's trying to do He's trying to get out so far ahead It's time to pit When he goes in, get his tires And get back out on the track In front of fucking Lewis Hamilton It was like a fucking movie

He pulls in his fourth time around Comes in They fucking take the tires He gotta go so fucking slow too now He gotta slow down like you're driving a Prius When you're in there And as he's slowing down, they're showing Lewis He's coming around, he's coming around

He gets the tires It was like an action movie And it was literally He just, Sebastian For Ferrari just got out In front of Lewis Hamilton And then that was the race He saw the Mercedes guy

Slammed his hand down In the guy in the pits The head fucking guy The guy who goes to the eyes wide Shed a luminati party at the end of the fucking race They're probably on some yacht That's like invisible This guy knows, this fucking race is over

And that was it Ferrari won the first race You know, backing up their lack of Shit talk, they were real quiet in the off season So I was actually Really, you know I'm one of those guys, I like both Mercedes and Ferrari

I don't know how you get mad at either one of them The fucking beautiful, amazing cars that they built All this fucking over the years So I'm just happy that this seems like There's gonna be competition It's gonna be as exciting as that For the whole season I think maybe some more

You guys can get into it like I did I believe the next race is in China In Indochino In China That's gonna be the next one But I was thrilled with the race I don't know how many F1 fans listen to this shit Love to hear your thoughts on it

Alright, what else, what else The Celtics are technically in first place right now But we got two games at hand We've one more game And lost one more game Than The Cavaliers, but I don't see them

The Cavaliers not getting the number one seed unless they get real I don't know Somebody gets fucking hurt or some shit like that Alright, last announcement and then I'm gonna read the Your fucking Emails for the week Alright, my YouTube channel What's Shirley building up

Alright I'm gonna I'm gradually just transitioning to the fucking internet here My whole career is just gonna be on the internet Other than my live dates And efforts for family Because everything else is drying up So my YouTube channel, which I'm serious

About building up with content I actually hired An animator And Hired a couple of people to start Making videos and putting content up there I'm gonna be doing tours of every city That I go to now

I'm bringing those things back I'm actually considering Bring it on this guy that does drum covers That looks like me, but You know, isn't me, but maybe it's me So anyways What do we got here? On Tuesday The first video from Alan Palin

Pronounce Palin On the official podcast channel The guy who edited together Remember that one when I commentated basketball? He's the guy who did that So we're gonna have new videos From him every single week My

YouTube page is youtube.com Slash user Slash it's backslash You know, the one that starts further Away and then comes in towards you Like a flare chop YouTube.com Backslash user

On Tuesday morning podcast Please subscribe to the channel Check it out and I'm gonna start making some videos I don't know that I'll have a videotape The podcast because it's just me laying here I'm wearing a t-shirt, pajama bottoms And slippers

Every time I saw radio shows Videotaped Something happened where it was boring I like the fact that Podcast is just like radio You're doing shit right now You're on the fucking elliptical You know, you're pouring yourself a drink

You're cleaning the house, whatever you're doing Whatever the fuck it is you're doing You can do other shit, right? All of a sudden it's videotaped You feel like you gotta watch somebody talking into a microphone I don't get it Alright, here we go Internet privacy everybody

Hey Billy, thought you might like this A private internet access provider Took out a full page ad In the New York Times calling out 50 senators Monitor the public's internet activity For financial gain What? People care a lot about their public image

And I think this should be done more To combat assholes Let me click on this thing I can't click on it because I'm not on the internet Hang on Let me try and find this here, I gotta see who the cunts are Who are the cunts? That's signed onto this

Alright We are the cunts We don't give a shit Alright, hello world These are the 50 senators Who voted to monitor your internet activity Jesus Christ I can't read them, they're too fucking small

Alright Oh Jesus Jesus, what are they all Republicans? Dude, the way they vote man Because it was probably something else that was pro-conservative The reason why the fucking Democrats didn't It's so fucking Hatfield and McCoy's It's basically that it's all Republicans

Representing it from Tennessee, Alexander Representing it from Wyoming Barrasso Blunt From Missouri Boozeman from Arkansas Burn from North Carolina, you fucking piece of shit Ruin in the name

Caputo from West Virginia Cassidy from Louisiana Cock from Mississippi Collins from Maine Corker From Tennessee I'm just gonna retweet this fucking picture Jesus Christ

Republicans All Republicans Cruz from Texas Crapo from Idaho Always some hell of a names Dames from Montana Another one from Wyoming Enzy from Wyoming

Ernst from Iowa This is all of this shit Rubio from Florida Purdue from Georgia Portman from Ohio This is all like This is all the thing, it's fake news It's all fake news

It's basically Who's kidding who It's bullshit It's bullshit, but what they want is their bullshit In your brain That's what they want, so what they want to do Is gradually take control of this shit And they're gonna make fake news

Basically your opinion Of what's going on, they're gonna make that Like illegal to do And they're probably looking over at China Going like, hey China, how the fuck Did you do this? And China's going like, this is how we did it So they gradually do that, much like the Nazis

We're looking at us going like Hey, how did you do that shit to the Native Americans Because we want to do that to the Jews Now we're gonna do that Probably what, look, I bet I bet the fucking higher up one percent Cunts, the people who make Profit off a war and everybody's misery

I bet They are Envious Of the internet in red China The way, you know URI is envious when somebody drives down By fucking Ferrari You know

I don't know, alright Well, I'm good for that person That put that up there That's fucking disgusting I wonder what was linked to it though Because it's never just in defense Of all of those fucking people It's never just one thing

Which is another bullshit thing When they vote for something Shouldn't it just be one thing Should we or should we not vote For solar power It should just be about that But then they tag all this other shit onto it Onto the bill, which is fucking

That's how they get everything through And then it's always like, you know Something completely fucked up And then when that person goes to run for office You know, they voted for the bill Because they're into solar power But then the thing that the appendix That they put onto it

They can be like, this guy doesn't think kids should have ice cream He voted against that It's like, no, I voted for alternative Sources of energy To bankrupt the The terrorist, terrorist Alright, bullying manager Dear Bill, about a month ago

A lady, Dairy Queen Manager in Missouri was charged for Involuntary manslaughter What? Did she give the guy an ice cream headache? Thought she did? Keep eating ice cream Then I'll blow you, the guy fell for it And he stuck his head into the fucking smoothie machine

The soft serve there Allegedly, the Dairy Queen manager Was a dick to one of its employees Filled with name calling And belittling day after day Isn't it great to see women Getting positions of power And just acting exactly as fucking ridiculous as men?

You know, most Most people cannot handle a position of power I mean, look at me Look at the power I have with this podcast I don't have the decency to put on pants I'm in pajamas and slippers I am part of the problem One incident reportedly

The manager threw a burger on the floor After he made it incorrectly And then made the 17 year old clean it up The kid was also a victim of bullying At school as well None of this is going to justify this kid Harming this boss You quit the job

But voiced most of the bullying But voiced most That doesn't make sense But most of the bullying happened Happened at work What happened to this person who wrote this sentence They wrote but voiced most of the bullying Happening at work

And singling Singling Out his boss Out his boss, okay Eventually the kid ended up shooting himself In the head Oh boy, did not see that coming Yes, I know it's a sad story

That happens too often Does it? Do a lot of people get bullied at Dairy Queen And then blow their brains out? I thought that was a happy place They got soft serve ice cream What could go wrong? But the town wanted to hold somebody responsible

For his suicide The authorities, air quote, investigated That was being teased and made fun of Were retold The cops ultimately came to the conclusion That his Dairy Queen boss Was the reason the kid is dead Oh my Jesus Christ

Wait a minute, hey A little bit of an overreach And she was charged with secondary Involuntary mans Water! After me hearing this story Is that proper English? Shouldn't be after I heard this story

After, for me After hearing this story I'm waiting for somebody on TV To state the obvious This is bullshit How can you blame someone for another person Killing themselves? It's not my fault how other people handle my insults

You've been called Billy Fat Tits How many times? Well, first of all, I'm not 17 Alright I think enough bullying Can drive somebody to it It depends on how it is And how fragile somebody is

But There's just so many fucking variables Involved, let's say this person Was a bully at Dairy Queen What happened to them as a kid That made them the way they are How old is this person? Because

For me I just feel that I honestly believe that People in their 20s For the most part It's just That is the most purest form Of the direct results

Of the parents that you had Is now you're out in the world They're not there to be like, hey, hey, hey, hey You know, knock it off And you have to make decisions for yourself And you go around like I know when I was in my 20s I took, without realizing it

I was taking my, everybody takes their childhood Out on people in their 20s Because you don't know what the fuck you're doing So hopefully you had a good one So you're taking it out on people Is You're actually a nice person Like Pete Holmes' character

On crashing By the way I fucking love that show T.J. Miller Artie Lang And I believe the guy's name is George Basil I watched the first three fucking episodes And they were killing me

And their interaction With Pete's character is great And I can't wait I love Pete Holmes I cannot wait to break his balls About his character on that show, though I'm really gonna break his balls Pete, is that how you see yourself?

I'm just a nice guy who tries to do nice things It's like, Pete, you're a fucking lunatic Just like the rest of us Anyways, oh, I can't wait to One of my favorite things in this business Is teasing him, because he can fucking take it But you gotta check out crashing John Appetow, Pete Holmes

Joey Roses Joe DeRosa wrote on the show, too Mike Probigli, I believe, wrote on the show There's a bunch of people, comics and everything And comics on it I saw Gria Burns, Doug Davidoff All these comics Marina Franklin, it's just fucking amazing

It's such an amazing show, because I remember When he came to New York As that wide-eyed kid And I had actually worked with him At this comedy club In Peoria, Illinois, that doesn't exist anymore I worked with him at Brewster's When he was still married, I believe

Maybe he'd just gotten divorced I can't fucking remember I've told this story before, and we went to go see The Ring And we were the only two people in the movie theater And I hate that that's That that is the detail, because that sounds fake It's the only time that's ever happened We walked in, it was a shitty movie theater

We were two comedians It was the middle of the fucking It was like two in the afternoon, and we saw The Ring On like a Thursday afternoon in a shitty movie theater And I swear to God, we were the only two fucking people there That movie stayed with me A certain one, Blair Witch stayed with me That one stayed with me

Some of them just They just fucking creeped me out And they stayed with me For whatever reason, Jordan Peele's movie The guy comes running When the kids smoke in the cigarette And then the guy comes fucking Just running up full speed at him

That fucked with me, that's for whatever reason That fucking stayed with me Anyways There's like shit I think about when I go to my car at night Even though I know it's not real, I just think about What if that fucking dude just came running just like that At the last second made a right turn In front of me

Anyways, how the fuck did I get All of that shit Talking about this poor kid who killed himself Anyways, he can say that throwing Okay, what does he say You've been called Billy Fettits how many times And by how many people If you kill yourself over half of your listeners

Will go to jail How is this a law How many times can you call somebody fat before It's against the law And can we stop saying bullying It's just being teased and made fun of That's not true man That's not true

It depends on the level And it depends on the intent And all of this shit will be really hard to prove But like You know there's What it is sir is you have to have empathy here And what I'm guessing is Is that you are more the person teasing

Than getting teased And maybe you are a little bit more Of a stronger person The same way somebody else Might have just been better at math than you I know looking back You know in my high school I know that there was

You know there was kids that got it Really fucking bad Really bad and You know One of whom Killed himself a few years later And I remember thinking back I don't know what it was based on

But certainly did not have a good experience In high school the last couple of years And it's one of those things Because kids are kids And they don't understand it It's a really complex thing But I would say if this kid was also bullied At school and then if this person

Was a cunt at a Dairy Queen I mean it's sort of an amalgam Of all of that and then also the personalities Some people they're born they're just Really sensitive shy people And they don't know How to handle it And if you're prone to depression

That you know That's sort of the perfect storm So Anyways they throw this bullying word Around like it's an epidemic Sweeping all these heartless millennials We've all been made fun of before We've all been called names

Ever since we were little kids You sound like an older person like me And you're just doing these kids today These millennials and oh my god They're fragile little flowers and They're not all like that dude You still don't think there's You know

The big guy just fucking beating on this Always going to be the bigger kid beating on the The younger kids the smaller kids or whatever We need to let this continue It builds character If you were always given a trophy You're all over the map here dude It only told compliments

You wouldn't be a comedian Now you're speaking for me you would still be working In the carpeted area discussing Which I never worked there Your favorite route to work in the morning All I'm saying is that we're all becoming Weak pussies because of laws like this And nobody's addressing it

But you can Bill With your soon to be Emmy winning podcast You can champion this cause For all our sake or whatever Hope to see you important soon Thanks I have to be honest with you sir Alright I think

The true sign of maturity Is right from on one side Being able to take a good Ribbing And learning how to Have more of a sense of humor about yourself And also learning That whatever is happening today

Is not the end of the fucking world And that you know There's probably kids listening right now That get bullied this is the thing All of that shit You're not going to see any of those fucking People ever again after high school And your whole fucking life

Is going to be determined by you And the decisions you make And you have 100% control over that So You know and I think a lot of times People get bullied aside from the fact That they're just smaller Weaker they just seem like

Targets I think you know sometimes When people see somebody that's talented They'll go after them And so you got to make sure That you kind of push all that shit away Inside I think that really shows that You're mature is empathy You know what I mean

It certainly helps Like I mean I think it's easy to do that The rant that you did I understand there's a lot of truth In some of the shit that you're saying But You know it's not all just like Ah learn how to fucking take it

You fucking push the stop wearing a helmet When you're riding bicycles and shit And I'm guilty of saying stuff like that But like you know So what is Why do you think this kid killed himself You know what I mean Do you think if that shit wasn't happening the kid still would have

I mean it's a possibility I don't know if the kid had Clinical depression I have no idea But I agree with you to try From what you've written For the sentences Where it was spelled correctly It Seems like that kid was just having a miserable

Experience I mean I can't imagine if you were getting Bullied all day at school And then you go okay well Now I'm going to get a job this might be A ray of light to what the future is going to be Where I'll be at work And maybe people are nicer And then it just becomes somebody else screaming at you

You know When you're 17 years old if it sucks at school And it sucks at the Dairy Queen you work at That is your world And you don't have an ability to step out of it And you can downward spiral Like once again I don't think they should put it all on this person But that's a fucking terrible story

But I don't think this Backlash To the To political correctness to then go The other fucking All the way back Once again To what caused political correctness

All you fucking guys hey pull your bootstraps up Stop being a fucking pussy you fucking millennial flower It's guys like you That are fucking ranting against Fucking political correctness It's cunts like you that created political correctness You know White guys that tell it like it is

Is there anything worse than the white guy I know I always say that To me that is the most Boring Fucking mindset you could possibly have Hey I'm a white guy everything's set up for me Let me tell you who You know

You just not have the advantages that I have Why you need to toughen up You know as I slept In my bunk bed in my cul-de-sac Those were the years that I really became a tough guy Anyway so yeah I mean that's just a Terrible story I hope That you know

Something good can come out of it because that's you know It's very rare that You know you bring up an ice cream store and something like that happens I was all excited you know I love fucking Dairy Queen I mean You know my wife loves Dairy Queen We are Dairy Queen people cleaning up Alright dear Bill

Dear Billy Redface there I'm 52 years old congratulations Most people don't live that long Or a lot of people don't make it that far I'm 52 years old But a life of drinking has made me look 62 I still drink and I smoke weed all day

Jesus this guy's going hard You drink and you smoke weed all day I wasn't there for my kids growing up They had to go through a lot because of My, mine and my wife's addiction problems Jesus I imagine they did Let's just say Jesus this is two depressing ones in a row What is this Dr. Phil

You need to stop drinking Smoke and weed And pay attention to your children Crowd goes crazy Another episode in the can And he gets more syndication money And then that fucking drunk walks out the door And continues to do what the fuck he's doing

And Dr. Phil looks great Let's just say the fact that they turned out Let's just say The fact that they The way they turned out has nothing to do with me I take no credit for the people they are today Well nor should you With the exception of any lingering anxiety

I may have caused them I mean if you're the kind of dad that you're saying You're kind of owning up to it Which is good I guess Unless you're doing that like so everybody goes Oh no you were actually a good dad All depends on what your reasoning is I don't live close to my daughters

But I am starting to miss them I feel like they'd be better without me At this point I'm at a fork in the road I can either clean up and realize that my life isn't over Is that my phone buzzing When he spills his first glass of water of the day Alright I gotta fucking call this back in a minute

Alright where am I I can either clean up and realize That my life isn't over And that I may have the grandchildren one day That I want to have a relationship with Or just enjoy my responsibility Less life Responsibility less life

Until I die This sounds morbid and the answer may seem more obvious To someone else But there was a good chance my kids won't care At this point and I don't want to disrupt them By being the annoying Hey can I come back into your life person Quitting won't be easy and I'm trying to weigh my options

What should I do You should get clean and sober And own up to everything Apologize to your kids And then understand that it's your kids choice Whether they want you back in their life or not And that's what they decide That they don't

You have to be a man about it and I wouldn't pout And go back to drinking and smoking You can totally clean your life up And you can Put years back on the odometer Or you can be dead in 10 years I mean it's up to you I mean it's pretty easy

Easy choice but I would say the first thing You should do is try to get help And I don't know I gotta tell you not drinking and all that type of stuff You feel like a million bucks Four days and not drinking alone When you wake up in the morning

You're gonna feel 20 years younger You know You wanna keep feeling like shit That's gonna be a brutal death bed dude Just sitting there waiting for someone to show up Hoping someone's gonna show up You don't want that man You're only 52

You got a lot of years left You got a quarter of a century left If you eat right And exercise and all that type of stuff So it's up to you man You're an adult I hope you make a positive choice Jesus Christ Alright yogurt

Does anybody die in this one Maybe it's more than you wanna bother But it's really easy to make your own yogurt Then you know what's in it I'm not going to down Going to load you down with links But this is a pretty decent start Yeah and they sent me this fucking video

Of this woman Immediately I'm envious of her Kitchen and the fact that she Can speak more than one language I think that's cool as shit But she's making yogurt And one of the ingredients She goes this is a very simple yogurt

One of the ingredients she makes One of the ingredients to her yogurt is yogurt I'm going to show you how to make Chicken Get salt and pepper, put it in a bowl And then go to the store and buy some chicken Some already made chicken I don't get it, I don't get that video

I'm fine with just the Greek yogurt probiotic It tastes fucking weird as shit Stuff and after a while you get addicted to it And you love it I appreciate it, I will post the link It's a great fucking... Do you know what I love about that stove? It's got four burners and it's got the griddle in the middle

Oh I love that, oh I want that stove So fucking bad Fun car to drive Billy Sports Car You were talking about cars on Thursday The most fun car I ever drove Was a 1968 Alfa Romeo sedan Not the spider

Short throw manual shift My favorite fucking thing ever Handles greats Yeah I actually I actually looked up the car There was only YouTube videos, pictures of them Nobody had the sedan I'll tell you one of the best, most fun shifting cars

I ever drove Was my older brother had like A 1981 two door Toyota Tercel Four speed And that fucking thing Was so tight Dude you had to move that fucking thing Like I swear to God like an inch and a half

And you were in another gear And even though it was A four cylinder, by today's standards You know, it was a pretty goofy looking car Sat high up off and shit But it was funnest shit to drive We used to have these jobs with, you know We had paper routes from the time we were in third grade

Right up to ninth grade And then when we got our licenses We just delivered bigger routes Around beating the shit out of our cars And that was the most fun car to drive Because you could stack the back seat up with all the papers And Dude it was a Toyota

And that's when Toyota was really competing with the American shit And The only way that they were gonna get it Are you fucking kidding me Are you fucking kidding me Dude this is how fucked up my house is I just spilled water And I was just like, you know what

On the hardwood floors, I'm gonna finish the podcast I gotta take the I can't believe this just happened And I'm thinking that the fucking water Is gonna be on the floor It's just gonna be a puddle This is what just happened I just looked down at the floor

I spilled a full glass of water It's all gone It's not there anymore Sorry I'm putting the headphones back on The fuck out of you The floor isn't even wet This is what happens And this is only one part of my house

The house has settled so much My house is 94 years old this year It's settled so much that I swear to God The water rolled down The hill and the baseboard There's a space between the floorboards And the baseboard And it just rolled into the cracks

It disappeared This can't be fucking happened I'm fucking Unbelievable Well I got it Now I'm wondering Where did that go? Is the ceiling below Now gonna have all water marks on it?

I don't think that's enough water to do it Dude, I'm telling you I'm telling you right fucking now Okay, the next house I get Is gonna be Fucking If it's an old house, it's gonna be We looked at one this weekend

You know what I mean? But just trying to see what's out there What the prices are and that type of shit Turnkey That's what I want And for all you people never bought a house That means the whole fucking thing has been redone I don't give a fuck that somebody's flipping it

I don't give a shit that they're trying to make fucking 500 fucking thousand dollars In two months, I don't care The fact that They're gonna strip it all the way down All the way down Piping the sewer line right out to the fucking street Everything's brand new

That's the house I'm getting That's the house I'm getting And that's the house I'm dying in And when I die, the fucking next person Can deal with whatever bullshit I did to it I just spilled the full glass of fucking water And it disappeared Like a magic trick

Alright, that's the podcast Go fuck yourselves up, check in on you On Thursday The Leise presents Kokme with your My The Leise app It's from now on Boredom for recipes that are delicious, easy And are cheap

For those of you who want something different Or who like classics Oh yeah, that was a spaghetti bolognese With a lot of meat Download the My The Leise app And Kokme Yeah, great The Leise

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