Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 3-28-11

Episode Date: March 28, 2011

Posted in PodcastPlay AudioBill rambles about water coolers, glocks, playoff hockey and sensitive men in Montreal

me as am a yes a hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's the monday morning podcast for monday the fuck is it march 28th 2011 oh my god how is march already over

in like a lamb out like a lion did the fucking goat see its shadow that's one of the great things about living in a desert you don't have to listen to that dumb shit when it comes to February and March you know when you live in the desert the desert area I don't have to deal with that shit what do you think's gonna happen it's been so mild in the beginning of March does that mean it's gonna get temp temp to us towards the end I don't know they're sharing I don't know what's gonna fucking happen all I know is that it's gonna be 70 degrees out every day for the rest of my life provided I stay out

here speaking of the desert I actually visited a friend of mine visited it did a friend of mine out in the desert a buddy mine just had a baby girl well he didn't have it his wife had it haha douche sorry it's an old joke sorry I'm getting settled in here I'm getting settled in let me get settled into the podcast before you start rolling your fucking eyes at me and your goddamn cubicle all right little miss ooh I'm gonna get an office someday is that what you think that that that cubicle represents look at they already gave me half the walls and no ceiling I mean where else can you go from here some

day I'll have a door I got news for you all right if you're in a cubicle right now why don't you fucking grow a dick that includes the ladies get some fucking balls all right take out a quarter and why don't you stick it in those plastic bolts that are holding the walls of your cubicle up all right I'm not saying take your fucking cubicle down why don't you just loosen them up add a little chaos to the day so next time your boss comes over like that douche in that movie office going yeah I'm gonna need you to yeah when he leans on that fucker maybe he'll fall backwards and smack his head off that all-weather carpet you know

that has a very thin layer of padding and then it's concrete then you can act like you're concerned I don't know what happened and as people sit there you know freaking out because the guy's eating his tongue at that point in the middle of a fucking seizure you just you know subtly retighten the bolts so then it looks like hey maybe this you know there's no evidence of why this guy just fell over maybe he has health problems at which point his health insurance they're gonna fucking drop him he'll then be seen as unstable by the company and guess what his fucking office is gonna open up all right that's

how you get a fucking office nowadays in corporate America okay you think you're gonna sit there with your nose to the fucking spreadsheets you know doing all that actuary horseshit trying to figure out how long the average person's prostate I don't fuck whatever the fuck you guys do out there if you live in Nebraska you're 400 feet from a fucking cord field you have an average lifespan of 67.8 years nobody cares it actually makes me about that shit that somebody's passion like just sitting like the way I love comedy you know the way a serial killer loves murder there's somebody out there sitting in a cubicle

just looking at figures and and just seriously has a song in their heart you know a little bit of Christmas in their eyes as they try to figure out how long the average person in Japan is gonna live now that there's radio activity in the ocean you know they want to get there first to predict the the death day of somebody over there I gotta admit to that shit that's going on over there in Japan I told you about that last week but that's just fucking freaking me out those poor people over there you know and I'm telling you I considering I don't go to the Catholic Church anymore I am gonna start going to the church of

fucking Ted Nugent I'm not gonna start referring to myself as Uncle Bill and feel like as though I'm rebelling against something but I definitely I definitely think I need to secure my perimeter do you know my girl won't let me get a fucking water bubbler water bubbler not one of the water cooler she just won't let me do it she's she's such a fucking broad I'm sitting there we're watching the disaster unfolding over there in Japan go and look at these poor people they live on a fault line just like us look at the panic and fucking confusion when you take the average person who doesn't know how to live

outside and you force them to live outside they're walking around you know without a laptop and a cell phone probably for the first time I'd say in 15 years but that's more American we're talking Japan here probably for the first time in 30 years over there you know with their fucking advancements and it's just like I'm looking at them I go okay number first thing you fucking want yeah you want some water I mean go 30 30 days without food right but water you can only go three days so here I am going you know we got a couple of fucking you know gallon jugs of arrowhead and that's not an advertisement there's no

advertisement on this podcast yet okay but I am subtly throwing it out there to arrowhead I'm gonna start mentioning products on my podcast you know I'm sitting here in my kraftmatic adjustable bed dude he's totally whoring himself out the fucking podcast sucks now well fucking put your you put your fucking head down in your plastic desk right now all right right there fucking staples shut your face anyways so we got a we got like two gallons of fucking water in our refrigerator and that's it okay those coolers man you got you got five gallon jugs so you get two of those you always have about you know roughly

at least five gallons of water anywhere all the way up to like seven to nine who the fuck knows right well maybe you get lucky the earthquake hits when you got two full ones and then when everybody around you is dying a fucking thirst and you're sitting in there sipping your water you know sipping your water running your hands through your gold coins with your fucking 9 millimeter between your fucking legs you're gonna you're gonna feel okay see that's how Americans look at a disaster it's not let's all get together and try to fight through this I told you last week it's gangs of New York over here all right English people

before you get on your fucking high horse if there was a fucking giant earthquake that affected all of Europe you're gonna tell you're gonna help the French people out you're gonna help out the crowds huh all those guys there with their wooden shoes over there in Holland fucking tap dancing along with a fucking cow or some shit whatever they do over there smoking weed you're not gonna help out you're not all right so shut your faces anyways so this is what I'm talking about I'm talking about preparing yourself for a fucking disaster all right and what is my girl concerned about I just don't know where

we're gonna put it it just you need to measure it first we can't put it over there the doggy dishes there the doggy dish is gonna float out the fucking windows you know no wait we're up on the second floor and in the hill we're on in the hill on a hill right we're gonna be fine I'm further enough away from the fucking ocean I'll tell you if a tsunami hits me with a fuck I'm at I don't want to live you know what I mean Kevin Costner the real Kevin Costner not even him playing his character in Waterworld the real Kevin Costner will probably float out of the Hollywood Hills right past me that's when I take out my 9

millimeter and I fucking aim it right at his receding hairline you know I should fucking talk right and I just fucking blow his brains out and I take his little raft you know there's gonna be some half-dress hot hot little whore on the on the raft to right can't have a fucking disaster movie unless there's a scantily clad whore in the middle of it so anyways yeah that's what the fuck she's all about that's what the fuck she's all about she doesn't know where we're gonna put it and I'm sitting there going well you know I could break down some of the shit in my office and she's just like water bubbler water

cooler in an office that just you know I was watching that fat cunt who went to jail for the stock shit the other day I can never remember her name and what is it Mandy she got that goddamn bowl cut I know I know this one I'm gonna scream it I'm gonna tell you right now later on the podcast when I'm not thinking about I'm gonna remember it I can't fucking I keep thinking Ronda shear I know it's not that what is it what was the name of the chick who fucking shows you how to make a pie but for some reason doesn't do it she goes this is how you make the perfect pumpkin pie and then she calls in some immigrant to do it for her on a

cooking show how I keep having it why don't we keep thinking Madeleine she's that fucking chick from Connecticut self-made woman I respect her you know I feel bad for her she was the Oswald of Wall Street she was the Patsy she's the one who went down they didn't get any the bankers they just got her right I think she gets her pubes highlighted do you think she has that kind of money Martha Stewart bam I got it you know you be having some money when you get your pubes died baby y'all ready next for this next motherfucker coming to the stage is motherfucker representing DC sorry

had a flashback to some old shows anyways hey speaking of survival okay I drive a Prius hi you know so you know what I love about the Prius is it's not the gayest car on the road anymore because Nissan has come out with an all electric car called the leaf okay I challenge you to come up with a gayer name for a car all right and I'm not attacking the fucking homosexuals over there all right as far as I can tell there's a lot of gay guys that could kick the living shit out of me and have their way with me so the last thing I want to do is make someone mad at me who oddly may want to fuck me I'm just

saying it's gay as in it's fucking lame okay and all you fucking gay people can go fuck yourselves all right that's what words do they morph into other shit gay used to mean really happy the gay 90s the 1890s were known as the gay 90s that didn't mean there was a bunch of guys out there blowing each other right just meant everybody was happy they were happy and gay there's another gay in that old angzine song the New Year's song may all equate it's be forgotten okay let's all be gay right something like that one of those fucking songs is it in the birthday song the word gay isn't something I don't know what it is

it's a song that I hear like once a year and I'm like yeah that's funny that gay used to mean happy now it means you want to dive on your girlfriend's muff whilst you have a muff yourself you know isn't that kind of just greedy you know it's sort of the biggest loser of sexuality to be gay you know I have a dick oh I can't get one's not enough your selfish cunt you got to go have another one Jesus Christ these fucking gluttonous gay people this is why I do the podcast I try to do a fucking podcast last night and it sucked I need a good night's sleep before I do a podcast because I was driving out from the desert because

my buddy had a you know his wife had a baby beautiful beautiful fucking baby girl isn't it such a relief when you show up in the baby's gorgeous isn't it such a fucking relief you know because some of them when they come out obviously they're like a little bit early or they're a little weird looking their fucking head hasn't fused together yet right and they look like they look like an octopus some of them if you chopped off four of its arms actually six of its arms and then you put two legs in place of the two arms right Bill we get it we can do basic math yeah you know it's got those little octopus heads

and you got to sit there hey wow look at that yeah why don't you is there any way you can stick it back in for another couple of weeks you know of all the things you've attacked on your podcast I draw the line at babies do you why do you draw the line at babies huh because you can feel it kicking in your womb I am really just being crass on this one who gives a shit how far into this podcast are we oh 13 minutes halfway through the first period over halfway speaking of that you guys see the Bruins Bruins made the just clinched a playoff birth by finally beating the flyers the time I watch a Bruins flyers

game they lose unless it's a playoff series then they just win the first three and then lose the next fucking four but that's the first time I watch a Bruins flyers game in a long time and they actually won it's a goddamn good team the flyers have and the fucking Rangers scare the shit out of me with Hendrik Lundquist mother fucker stop and everything but I think Tim Thomas is a better goalie I think we you know something we've oddly adjusted very well once we traded old douche face there and he does have a douche face Phil Kessel you guys watching the NHL network were for some reason when they say NHL

hockey they have to tap the guys do these stupid dramatic like they'll they're not facing the camera and then they turn around and they're all sweaty and they have this look on their face not happy not sad just sort of staring intensely it's like I get it it's hockey it's an intense sport you know the guy couldn't towel off before this is he sweating from being under the lights am I really supposed to believe that he just skated over to the bench and you were able to black out the entire arena and now he's staring at you well some of them look cool some of them look intimidating some of them look okay but Phil Kessel he

just looks like a douchebag I don't understand it because he's a fucking great player but you see his puffy baby fat cheeks when he turns around and he just looks like the kid that you would cross check even if his fucking parents were standing on the side you know if you're playing like street hockey then you try to play it off oh I'm sorry and as he cried it would make you to have a nice feeling right in your heart you know am I the only psycho like that wasn't there always one kid in your neighborhood you just love to see cry you know and was there anything better that when somebody else did it and you didn't

do it so you could actually sit there and laugh and enjoy the kid crying and you didn't have to run away when his parents came running out of the house does that scenario even exist anymore with you fucking this new generation of fucking cunts out there who spent their entire childhood inside on the internet and playing fucking video games you missed out you missed out back in the day when used to play outside there was always one kid and he was fat or he was fucking weird-looking so what you did was you picked on him unless he was funny he realized okay I gotta be funny you know kind of like me when I was a kid I

look like opie with a little bit of Ralph mouth and I realized I realized it I'm like wow I'm the only one who has this fucking hair color in my neighborhood I look like a fucking freak I bet I better start fucking coming with the jokes here I did that's what I did I used to go outside a little tuxedo and I would just start hey interesting happen thing happened to me a little getting potty trained or whatever I would have jokes because yeah I used to get the shit kicked out of me what do you think that kick of ginger days something new I think we always haven't been picked on anyways

what the fuck am I talking about here oh that's something that I get I've gotten a lot lately from people people think I don't understand the internet which I think is absolutely hilarious like there's something to get it kind it is what it is you know what I mean it's like how don't I get it because I call you out when you do dumb shit you know I was on the Joe Rogan podcast this past week and fucking amazing podcast I go there and Joe's like dude you know whatever time you want to come over blah blah blah blah blah and I said all right why don't we say 12 noon because I don't want to get stuck in rush hour basically

how it works out here in LA's you got to schedule everything between between 10 and 2 in the afternoon that anytime I have a meeting when you want to meet between 10 and 2 all right buddy of mine Al Madrigal hilarious comedian definitely check them out Al Madrigal he's the one who he told me to do that so I go 10 between 10 and 2 now I'm not gonna go there at 10 in the fucking morning I said all right I'll go there at 12 noon so I'll do 12 noon I'll get out of there 2 to 30 I'll avoid rush hour traffic right and his fucking podcast is so much fun I think we did like a three and a half four-hour fucking podcast you

know took us like a half an hour to settle in so he started at 12 30 you know he gave me this coconut water that was so fucking delicious I actually came home and immediately went on to Amazon in order to fucking case of it 12 pack is what I got you know alligator armed it not because I didn't want to get a case I just wouldn't want to deal with my girlfriend going first a water cooler and now a case of coconut water where are we gonna put the cereal I didn't want to deal with that so I only got the fucking 12 pack all right so anyways we start the podcast we just have a great time fucking went through the whole thing I

definitely suggest you listen to it I of course don't have the link because I'm an asshole but just look up Joe Rogan podcast he gets like 250,000 hits a week so you'll definitely be able to hear it but in the end of the podcast I got this huge fucking argument with his with his male assistant tech guy whatever the fuck you call him the guy who sits there and you know was constantly adjusting knobs on the mixer we got a stupid fucking argument about whether or not someone had the right to take my podcast put it on a website that had advertising on it and I basically said they didn't you could you know I put my

podcast out there it is free but it's still my intellectual property I give it away for free so you take it for free you can't take it and then start making money off it and there was a website that was had all these podcasts and they were you know they got them all on one website hence a ton of people went to the website why because of the creation of the artists their intellectual property was getting hits no one was going to the website to look at the fucking website with nothing on it they were going there to listen to the podcast and on their homepage they had advertising so all these podcasts were

getting eyeballs to go to the fucking website all right and they go there and they read advertising and that's how you sell advertising by the amount of fucking people you get to your website so how you're supposed to do that he's supposed to contact the artist or the owner of the work and say listen we want to use this shit we're going to be selling advertising all right we'll take our cut you take your cut that's fine that's what the fuck you supposed to do you can't just take it and put it on your site start making money off of it and for some reason he was saying it was my fault because technology existed for

them to do that hilarious he completely ignored all the laws of intellectual property copyright laws fuck all that you know it's like you know if you steal somebody's car that's Grand Theft Auto but if you go out and you go buy one of what are they called those those little Jimmy things those slim gyms we can unlock the door to your car you know if you have one of those that you know it's not stealing it's a dumbest it was a stupidest fucking argument I've ever gotten into in my life I'm arguing what the actual law is and this guy is talking about technology but technology exists for me to do something illegal

therefore it's not illegal was fucking retarded and the only thing more retarded was the fact that I couldn't fucking tap out of the argument I can't believe I never brought up well dude I actually called my lawyer who went to law school in majors it with a focus in entertainment law and not only did he tell me I was 100% right he actually said I could sue that website if I wanted to which I'm not going to but that's how right I was Jesus fucking Christ I mean a laptop exists that's legal to buy in a laptop and with the technology of a laptop and a little bit of smarts I can break into your online bank account take

all your fucking money does it mean it's it's not illegal because laptops are legal I don't it was a dumbest fucking argument ever and it lasted for 45 minutes and of course it got a zillion hits Joe was telling me it got the most fucking responses all right and you can sit there and tell me I don't get the internet I get it I get it people like arguments they like arguments and they like stealing shit and not getting you know and not fucking paying for stuff and then acting like they don't understand what you're talking about goes right back to that all that stealing music that everybody did remember that

shit and all the artists got mad going you're stealing our music and everybody's like we're not stealing it man we're sharing files no we were stealing it look what we did we destroyed and I say we because I was on lime wire I was on lime wire for a good eight months before someone finally was just like dude we're stealing music how can we do that then that someone can steal your fucking comedy this is bullshit I know a lot of you right now sitting there go well there you go you stole music therefore someone ought to be able to steal your fucking podcast and fucking average now two wrongs don't make a right okay just

because I go out and murder somebody doesn't mean someone can come over and murder somebody I know we're both gonna get charged with murder all right I didn't say I was a perfect person of this people I think it shows what a big person I am that I can admit to some of my wrong doings in the past but anyways after fucking ten years of stealing music look look at the music business okay it's over it's fucking over Stephen Tyler is on on American Idol talking to people who work at a fucking Cinnabon telling them that they have good voices and that they have they're gonna have some sort of career in in a in a

fucking art that where the whole business model has been completely fucking destroyed you guys haven't noticed that shit musicians are like in movies now they're doing everything but singing I saw there's a there's a new show out where Christina Aguilera is a judge the lead singer of Maroon 5 is a judge some country singers a judge all these guys who used to be able to sell out the Staples Center it's the whole fucking thing it's over so I don't know did that even make sense I don't know what the fuck my point was I can't sell it the Staples Center all right go fuck yourselves but I was right in that

argument and I actually I had a great time this week because I didn't read one of the emails that was sent to me about that stupid argument I would just see it Joe Rogan's podcast RSS feed any of that shit I just deleted all of them and it was fucking was fantastic absolutely fantastic so I didn't have to read them and argue with strangers who don't understand the laws so there you go I hope as some of that may you know I realized halfway through that is none of you mostly probably didn't even hear the fucking argument but you'll probably go to Joe Rogan's podcast to listen to it won't you see that look at me

spreading the podcast love all right with that with that running of the fucking mouth what do I have coming up here people this week I'm actually gonna be where am I gonna be I'm in town this week I'm actually working on April 2nd I let me get the exact date here in case I screw this up the name of the show it's Kevin and beans April foolishness show they do it at the Gibson Ampitheater I did it last year and had yeah April 2nd I had an unbelievably great time and absolutely love doing doing this gig because not only do I get to work with a bunch of comedians that I never get to see

anymore it's all a bunch of headliners but as far as the fucking I can see of course I don't have any of the fucking names who the hell's on it Pat Noswalt's on it Jimmy Kimmel's on it I'm on it Kevin and beans I forget I can't remember the lineup is fucking I think Dana Gould might be on it I shouldn't name names here because I don't know it's gonna be awesome all these guys that I love watching them work are gonna be on it and on top of that the gypsy Gibson Ampitheater is used to be called the Universal Ampitheater and that's the one where the blues brothers they when they recorded a briefcase full of blues

with my favorite one of my favorite drummers of all time Steve Jordan that's where they did it right there on that stage and they were opening for Steve Martin back when he wore the white suit with the fucking arrow through his head I'm a geek for that type of shit theater history I always try to find out and I sit there really Charlie Chaplin played here Buster Keaton like that dumb shit you know so anyways I'll be doing that on April 2nd and then what else do I got oh I'm gonna be in Maryland at the record theater for two shows on April 8th and then I'm gonna be at the tower theater in Philadelphia Pennsylvania on

April 9th and then later on that month I'm hitting two cities I haven't done stand-up ever or in a long time Milwaukee never been there gonna be at the the PAPS theater in Milwaukee Wisconsin April 22nd on April 23rd I'll be at the Royal Oak music theater in Detroit Michigan I have not been there since I did the Chappelle show tour with Charlie Murphy and Don L. Rawlings and I think we did that we did that one back in 2004 so it's been seven years since I've been there so so please come out to that and with that let's get on with the podcast questions for the week where is it oh did I not even open the fucking

thing Jesus Christ Bill you call yourself a radio host or a podcast host is that is that what you call me is that what you call yourself Bill all right open what can I talk about here what can I talk about can I talk about how the Bruins raped the Montreal Canadians seven to nothing did you guys see that fucking game absolutely raped him and I gotta tell you they deserved every fucking second of that because there's still bitchin about that Zidane O'Chara hit you know he finished his fucking check the problem was is that they still have that fucking board that that piece of glass right there that's the problem the

problem is the NHL have seen for years guys almost get their fucking heads taken off on that part of the ice what you should do is just somehow make that thing collapsible move it away from the ice I don't know what the fuck to do but there's gotta be okay if I can have a car that has a collapsible front end and the engine is designed to go underneath me rather into than into my fucking torso there's no way the NHL can't have that I'll put the clip on there by the way on the mmpodcast.com so you guys can see see that hit I mean it was brutal because the guy fractured one of his vertebrae and so I felt bad about that

but then they were talking about the severity of the guys concussion and it turns out the fucking douche went to the movies like three days later with this allegedly severe concussion gotta love Mark Recky for calling him out he was actually taking heat off Chowra just saying yeah you know I think he exaggerated it how awesome is that he did that you know already knowing how fucking sensitive they are up there they're so fucking sensitive up there in Montreal it's not like Toronto Toronto is a fun goddamn city Montreal some of the most beautiful women you ever gonna see in your life but the men are

just so fucking sensitive they actually have the police looking into that hit somebody think about somebody got checked into the fucking boards okay and unfortunately right where the glass starts you know or the glass in between the benches you know and that they want to like put one of the Bruins in jail for playing hockey you know I'll tell you what's funny is 10 years ago that wouldn't even been a penalty on that play anyways so this is the deal the new email if you want to send me an email and if you want to send me more fucking emails about agreeing or disagreeing with my argument on Joe Rogan you sent it

to bill at the mmpodcast.com please send me your underrated overrated lists your advice if you have any questions your stories of revenge you know all the shit that we've been doing throughout the years here and now speaking of overrated underrated I got one here for you as far as something being overrated you know what's overrated is outlets you know you know when the broads get all excited we're going to the outlets they got and they got a fucking what a hell do they shop at they got a Jordan Marsh a JC Petty and a Fi Leeds outlet any of those stores still existed did Macy's just fucking buy up all of them you

know whatever whatever the fuck they buy you know they got all those stores oh my god it's gonna be blah blah blah so you're going there is a guy going alright well maybe this won't cost me as much fucking money what do you want a pair of shoes sweetie hey let's go to the outlet sounds like a fucking you know sounds like a dream because when you really think about it it doesn't make any fucking sense why is it so goddamn cheap why did they suddenly decide that they just didn't want to make as much money on that shirt that that seven-year-old sewed together in the Philippines as they would it in a mall what is it about the

outlet you know if you use common sense you actually think well they're probably not marking them down as much as they think that as they say they are and it's probably a bunch of shit that nobody wanted a bunch of shit that didn't sell well at the malls and now they got to get fucking rid of it isn't that what it is that's been my experience you go to they're overrated you go to an outlet and another thing that they like doing is they like to say that the the actual retail price is about 30% more than it usually is and then they give you a 2% discount and you feel like you're getting like 32% off you know because

people suck it math they'll do Adidas shell toes usually a hundred and twenty six dollars now only 68 you know what a fuck are they you know hundred and sixty eight or whatever huh whatever the fucking number I just said this shell toes there's no arch support whatsoever it's the same fucking design that you've had for the last 40 fucking years so there's no there's no extra cost you don't have to hire somebody to design a new fucking sneaker all right it's like a goddamn Porsche it's the same fucking design forever so whatever so we go there and she goes in she goes into Prada and I walk in and it's still a

fucking ridiculously expensive shoe I got so fucking mad at my girl at that thing I was telling her saying listen listen we're going out to the desert my buddy had a kid it's his first kid I want to go out there we that that's that's what it's supposed to be about but you know fucking women they can't just go out and go deuce they always got to get something yeah if you notice that all you young studs out there banging away having one even if you have a one night stand with them they still try to get a t-shirt out of it even notice that can I feel you t-shirt then they just walk out with it fucking weird they're like

they're like serial killers like they're taking some sort of a trophy making a goddamn voodoo doll give me you know it's one of those one of the one of the turning points is me as a single guy when I asked for the t-shirt back I started doing it can I my t-shirt back and I loved it because they didn't know what because they were pissed that they asked for it that I asked for it but then they also didn't want to come off as some selfish cunt so then they had to take it off but out they're just the conflicting emotions on their face mad that you asked and then trying to play it off like they're not mad so you can

see that they're actually a good girl who will jump on your dick after knowing you for about four and a half hours right so anyways overrated outlets all right the fucking overrated unless there's a bunch of stores that you like then it's just convenient that's the best you're gonna get you know it's convenient well at least I don't have to walk through a food court and two levels I like that it's just one level I do like that aspect of it but in general I don't see the fucking deals it's like how you know you know I like Vegas used to be mob run and now it's corporate corporate owned and gradually the the

$8 stake disappeared that you could get dude you can get a steak for like six bucks you can't anymore they turned them all into buff buffets it's like the $20 buffet and then you got to go there and feel like you know you ate your money's worth so you go there and eat 10 times more than you normally would have and then you fuck you're killing yourself if you ever eat so much you start sweating you just have such a bizarre combination eating like rice and then a slice of cake some fucking pancakes and then a piece of fish you know your body's just like dude what the fuck and you finish it off with like a pickle

then you just sit in there right looking like that guy on man versus food you know when he gets down to the final two bites and he goes into what I call the thinker pose you know where he's got his fist up against his skull yeah it's the same thing outlets that's this it's it's the same hype that people used to say about Vegas people finally have stopped saying the $6 stake bullshit alright so there you go that's overrated underrated for the week please keep sending those in people I love I love reading those things all right advice for this week these are I'm becoming just sort of the relationship advice

person I don't know how this has happened considering I've I've never been married I don't have any kids you know so I don't know you know I'm basically the Steve DeBurg of relationships you know I'm somehow still in the league still in the game pulling the clipboard but I haven't taken a fucking snap in like nine years that's what I am I'm standing on the sidelines as all you guys are getting married and having kids just sitting here fucking wearing a headset alright but you guys want advice here we go here we go okay so I've been together with my girl for almost four years got married last September in

2010 these past weeks have been hell I'm a very honest person so I felt lately that me and my wife have not been close so I talked to my wife and told her how I felt and if we continue like this things can end up in divorce nothing's will he stress can all capital can end up in divorce so we talked it over and all seemed okay Sunday the 20th I asked her when she was coming home this was at 10 20 p.m. she told me in the next 20 minutes I said okay cool I'll see you at home I was driving home from her father city so it took me longer to get home I get home at 12 a.m. and she is still not home so I call her and say

please tell me if you're not going to come home on time so I so I know you're okay all right sounds like a decent guy what does she do she starts yelling at him saying I lost my place she starts yelling at me saying I was helping my damn friend stop being an asshole then she hung up wow she got home and yelled at me and everything and we argued she went to bed mad at me and I slept on the couch first time I've ever done that in our relationship that's par for the course you got married in September you go through the honeymoon phase right through the holidays and all of a sudden Valentine's Day comes up that's more

excitement now you're into March March is the real deal okay if you can get along in March that that's that's that's a good benchmark you know there's nothing going on in March there's no Valentine's Day there's no holidays unless she has a birthday then it doesn't count hey Bill why don't you shut the fuck up and read the rest of the email all right all right I will all right next morning she leaves for work and I tell her I hope you hope you know me sleeping on the couch is not a good thing and she goes well me not kissing you before I leave isn't a good thing either Jesus later on Monday she says I am not sleeping at

home tonight I don't know if I want to be with you anymore Jesus Christ dude this is like fucking going vertical here she's in the space shuttle it's Friday now and all week she hasn't come home to me she won't even tell me where she is sleeping barely answers my texts and or calls she told me she isn't happy I don't treat her good she doesn't love me the way she used to but not once did she sit me down like a civil person and tell me to change she just up she up and just left Bill please tell me if you love someone and you're married would it be easy to just up and leave like that leave that person with no warning and not

giving the person a chance unless she has another secret oh Jesus I think he's suggesting that she might have another guy she's filing for divorce soon told me to keep everything she just wants her vehicle I'm dying inside and I've been going crazy I cannot believe she would put me through this she said she's been thinking of this for two months but never sat me down so I can work on being a better man wow dude two months is a long time when you only been married since September that's basically 20% of your marriage I would think so anyways he goes on to say she had nothing when we met I drove her to school every day and her

parents did not care for her I did everything for her why would she screw me like this all right so what advice do you want here you want me to know why she would do this all right let's let's all right out of everything she said there I know all my listeners right now are pretty much convinced that she's out fucking around on you and you know who's kidding who they definitely I don't think would be wrong to think that but I think the fly in the ointment here is your description of her relationship with their parents when you said that you drove her to school and did everything for her yet her parents did not care for

her this is something that I noticed in my horrific dating past if you want to get somebody stable you have to come up with some sort of list of qualifications that they have to pass or at least they have to pass most of them and one of the things if you want to get a well-adjusted female I'm not saying that they can't come from divorce but they have to have a good relationship with their parents okay I found that to be a major red flag if I was on a date and I found out that the person I was on a date with was not speaking to either their mother or their father or would say my dad's a piece of shit or I fucking hate

my mother or we don't talk right there I'm telling you just run in the other direction because I don't know it just seeps into your fucking relationship and they do shit like this because I'm thinking if you were doing everything if she came from a household where her parents people who are supposed to love her unconditionally and they weren't doing shit for her and then you come in there and you start doing everything for her just just out of never having that in her life on some level she's gonna fall in love with you even if she doesn't love you she loves you because you're giving her what her parents never gave

gave her gave her you know what I mean but that doesn't mean that she loves you and I think that that's and then you combine the fact that she had a fucked up relationship with the parents where there was no love and that type of stuff she doesn't know what love is and can't communicate and when she's not feeling it she doesn't know how to get out of it like a fucking adult hence she just leaves you and then because she's been searching for life love her entire fucking life rather than just going out on her fucking own and just being alone and figuring out what she wants it kind of seems like she already has another

guy and she's just swinging to that dude going right into another relationship so I'll tell you this this is what I would do I would consider myself fucking lucky that she did it this quick that you found out that you were married to a psycho and that she only wants her fucking car all right so what I would do is give her her space don't call her be civil work the fucking thing out sign the divorce papers let her get her fucking VW thing whatever the fuck she drives and let her in her baggage drive down to the goddamn street all right then you fucking I don't know do usual shit go to the gym cry it out go to the fucking gym all

right don't beat yourself up don't start drinking don't start becoming a fat fuck all right turn this shit around I'm telling you I don't come up with some healthy fucking way to deal with this shit and don't do the guy shit will you fucking white knuckle your way through it and in booze and go bang a fat chick don't do that shit all right fucking you know curl up the fetal position cry it out and just tell you keep telling yourself you're gonna meet the right girl do that but that one right there dude flush that one down the fucking toilet and kids it's a blessing it's a blessing dude can you imagine if you had

a kid with that fucking nightmare and for the rest of your fucking life or at least for the next 18 goddamn years she's gonna be in your fucking life and you got to listen to her opinions which would totally affect on some level your relationship with the next great girl that you're gonna meet your next girl is gonna be a great girl cuz you've been through this shit with this cunt trust me all right it's gonna hurt just fucking deal with it all right platoon take the pain all right okay that's it next one all right Bill be in this girl another another relationship one be Bill me and this girl are stationed overseas in the

military England lucky enough due to our jobs we see each other a couple times a week for meetings and at the gym here are my 47 dilemmas there's a chance of being deployed and all of that business due to the war with yogurt face and Libya the least of my worries oh by the way did you see that fucking there was a couple of was it usher Beyonce and Mariah Carey actually did private New Year's gigs for him for a million bucks did New Year's gigs for Gaddafi's kids can you fucking believe that how much fucking money do you need to make you know you're gonna

take a gig where you're gonna go dance like a goddamn fucking clown for a mass murderer's kids then you take that fucking blood muddy stick it in your bank account go buy yourself some fucking glitter or whatever the hell you do when you're a goddamn singer buy some more streamers to hang on your fucking mic stand and then when you get busted you try to play it off like you had no idea who Gaddafi is and what he's done yeah you couldn't remember that he he claimed he was behind the Pan Am bombings that killed fellow Americans the fuck is wrong with you I love that shit where they tried to play it off like

they had no idea okay at the low level of entertainment that I'm at any time I do a private gig they always tell you what the deal is I don't do private gigs anymore because as Dane Cook classically put you feel like you're being rented that's the greatest way to describe how you feel when you do that gig see if you do want to come if you come out to a comedy club or a theater to see my act you get my act and I get to say whatever I want but if you hire me to perform for your your company or a private fucking Christmas party or some shit like that like I used to do those gigs there's always a list this

is what they do stay away from this and you either comply to the list or you just don't take the gig the last thing you do is say yeah yeah no no no problem then you show up and you do your Lenny Bruce fucking set and then walk away thinking you're a badass you're not a badass you're just an asshole you're gonna go in there and curse and they wanted a clean comic you shouldn't have taken the gig they're hiring you private gig right so but any anyways any time I do a gig if there's somebody in a fucking wheelchair if there's somebody mentally handicapped just that shit alone they'll poke the head in the back

hey just to let you know I don't know what jokes you do but this is the situation out there just get giving you the heads up so there's no problem there's no fucking way their agents didn't say hey listen just to let you know you're performing for the children of a mass murderer this is how they feel about females over there stay away from this you're able to gyrate this much during songs there was a whole fucking it's a million dollar gig there's no way the agent lets the artist go in there not knowing who the fuck they're performing for with performing to risking losing their commission on a

million dollar fucking gig they're completely full of shit they're just giving the money back because they got fucking caught I that's it's I think it's horrific absolutely horrific so anyways back to the email so we've both been here mean this broad for about six money six months okay let me recap here up into this point he sees this girl a couple times a week all right okay so the two dilemmas he works with the girl and also if he starts developing feelings at any point he could get deployed to Libya and she couldn't and she might not or they might both and they'll be in separate parts of the

country and I fucking see each other you know what I mean I don't fucking know I don't even understand how the fucking we start a third war we couldn't even afford one I really don't understand it all right let's continue here we've both been here about six months and in that time everyone on the basis tried to get into this jigs pants she's a bombshell for certain no one seems to get close how however I come to find out she's basically got dumped when she left her last base stateside and has been cooped up in her house off base trying to keep in touch with this dude she's rarely gone out and hasn't given date dating or

whatever much of a thought as far as I can wager meanwhile I've been busy being miserable on my own as well as this as I had this stint with some cock cop chick over the winter and that basically died about two to three weeks ago I start talking to this broad and spending time together regularly after work nothing too seriously but apparently I can make her laugh getting the notion that she's moving on from her old relationship things seem to be going swimmingly I'm just not certain I can take the multiple risks and try to make a situation out of this that wouldn't somehow end up in some sort of complete disaster I'm

technically shitting where I eat and it's not like I can just quit this job tomorrow I'm in the fucking military I'm trying to avoid certain disaster yet however I'm primed to be in the zone for a good good looking piece and perhaps a healthy relationship thereafter I'm not sure how far how far to take this thing I'm conflicted I could use a laugh thanks for the podcast all right all right dude these are very fucking mature concerns this is all up to you you got to figure out how you feel about this girl all right and then act accordingly all right if you want to fucking just bang this girl if you figure that out if

you just want to bang this girl just be up front and tell her that it's just a sex thing and she either goes for it or she doesn't all right and if she goes for it and you bang her and then you don't call her afterwards or you know you're just still not having feelings for her she can't get mad legitimately because you talk to her about it up front of course there's always that you know 18% psycho rule where she could be thinking well after he fucks me he's gonna realize what a great person I am and then we'll have a relationship you know I would be a little bit nervous about this girl because she's still

hanging on to this other person so I don't know if she's just wounded or if she is an actual psycho so I will tell you this if you just have a fuck buddy relationship with her this is the key all right you have to space out the times when you bang her all right and when you bang her she can never spend the night you also can't watch a movie with her you can't do any sort of things that indicate you have some sort of relationship beyond fucking all right and you have to bang her like the filthy fucking whore that she is that's basically how you sustain a fuck buddy relationship you fucking you leave that's

all you do we are fuck buddies we're not movie slash fuck buddies we are fuck buddies and that is it all right she calls you up you ask you to come over there and help hang a fucking picture you don't have time you can't fucking do it all right that's it you are you are a dick and that's it now if you want to have a fucking relationship with her you got to figure out if you really like this girl which point if you're mature enough you probably shouldn't try and fuck her because that will cloud everything personally I've never been able to do that so good luck to you those are your two options fuck buddy

relationship figure out what the fuck you want to do and then act accordingly all right sir good luck hey Bill I'm going on my 11th hour of work today but up it up I can't read that part there too many names there okay anyways Bill I was fat and in a destructive relationship for most of college my confidence was just about ruined before I dumped the cunt and I lost about 70 pounds good for you see this guy did the right thing he got it for that guy with the first question this guy here he got out of a relationship all right look what happens he goes to the gym he dropped 70 pounds good for you since then

I've been with a lot of women and haven't had trouble meeting women I just know how to act confident I have trouble find but I do have trouble finding the line between asshole aggressiveness and simply being confident all right well you're already banging a bunch of women you've lost 70 pounds it sounds like you're killing it so what what happened did you piss off a couple of women what is your definition of asshole aggressiveness are you talking to them you're like hey baby just reach up and grab a titty you know this is the thing about being confident what you got to do is be confident about yourself but

don't insult the woman don't like I've never liked that like some guys do that what they do is they go up there and how they how they get the girl to be in a weak position is they sort of say things to her that that kind of makes her like insecure I don't know what is a good example of that type of stuff like I just make some sort of comment about the clothes they're wearing or just something or just be like what is an example I see I never did that not because I'm a fucking great guy just because I have a need to be liked so I could never go that way although I have found that like reacting to other hot

girls walking around the club with a lot of girls will somehow I don't know it's just weird thing with that like that's sort of their competitiveness you know if you can just get into conversation about them about you know how hot you think some other girl is I know this sounds fucked but this has actually worked for me and then you just start talking about what you like in women what turns you on and then you steer the conversation into sex and then you're in there so I would say for me differences between being asshole aggressive is if I actually say something mean I don't know I don't think

you should ever be mean to a girl to try to get her to fuck you I just think that's like a cowardly way into it but you know for you to be a cocky asshole and if they just that they say that they compliment you about how you look just be like yeah you know I'm a good looking guy I don't know what it is women like me just just along those fucking lines you just do that as as you're sort of making funny yourself then you show you have a sense of humor I would try to go that fucking route I don't know but once again you're talking to a guy looks like Ralph mouth so it probably works you know you guys maybe you guys

can be assholes if you actually have some sort of pigment in your hair alright let's plow ahead here Bill a friend of mine who I played in a band with for over a year in high school lost his mother to a sudden start sudden heart attack at the memorial service I get out of my dorky hippy Ford Fusion hybrid at the church and see a smoking hot chick climbing out of a white 2010 Ford Mustang GT with racing stripes and walks inside dude that sounds like the beginning of a great fucking movie you know the nerd in his little douchey car and then some hottie you know was it Christie Brinkley from those fucking European vacation movies

anyways it was mysterious and intriguing at the same time exactly I didn't know too many people at the funeral and I was the only guy what I didn't know too many people here as I only met the guy through my younger brother and was not super close with him then what the fuck are you doing with the funeral at the funeral Jesus Christ his mother was an artist so after his after the receiving line there was a reception with her art displayed around the room and I was sipping coffee and looking at some of her art this is a fucking cool ass funeral looking at some of her art on the wall I glance to my right and there she is

standing right next to me I lean in and I say I like your car 45 minutes later after learning she is a nurse at a local hospital and graduated from I learned that she was a nurse from a local hospital and graduated from my high school dude is this girl like a call girl this sounds like a fucking call girl she just shows up in a hot car dressed like a fucking hottie and she's a was she wearing the nurse's outfit anyways he goes on to say I knew her family a little bit she loves sports oh love sports care I decided to say goodbye to her and not ask for her number I mean it's a fucking funeral dude

there's no rules when it comes to getting laid okay I don't give a shit if you're fucking treading water after a tsunami alright she didn't have time to put a bra on she's got a t-shirt on what you're not gonna fucking you know can't ask for a number at that point her fucking cell phones underwater I guess you know hey you want to form a two-person circle over here I heard it keeps the sharks away sorry anyways blah blah blah but thanks to Facebook I find her out I find where the fuck she is her name and she has all these pictures but she has all these pictures are her and some chunky kid worse than

the college version of me she also has some status about a great valentine's day about but nothing about being in a relationship I know this sounds like teeny bub ship but this girl was amazing we hit it off and I sure don't want to fuck it up with some awkward shit we've exchanged a few emails and stuff but I don't know how to find out her deal without just asking I also don't want to come on too strong and ruin the friendship fetus by creeping her out I want to ask her to her I want to ask her to the antisocial network show that you guys are doing with Jim Norton Jim Brewer and David tell but I have a real

a fear of ruining the great vibe we have with something she might not be accepting all right dude what you're basically doing by sitting here being timid is you're getting yourself into that Chris Rock friend zone you have to meet you have to make a move right now you talk to her at the fucking funeral she talked to you for 45 minutes out of at a funeral you didn't ask for the number right there you should have lost the game but because everybody gets a ribbon with this generation there's Facebook so you get to fucking make it up now she's exchanging emails with you how many more fucking clues do you need

she has a vague sort of relationship status on her Facebook ask her to the fucking show it's perfect all right you go into a comedy show will make her laugh you sit there laughing it up with her accidentally put her hand on your hand on a fucking thigh and you're in I know it's not that easy but dude you need to ask her out sooner rather than fucking later and have a go to a comedy show that'd be a good I think that'd be a great idea and that's it all right so ask her out that's my advice for this fucking week and I apologize for my horrific reading let me give you some YouTube videos here that will all be up

on the mmpodcast.com the official fan website of the Monday morning podcast we had 7500 hits last week that's the most we've ever gotten so I want to thank everybody who's been going there so here we go here's the YouTube videos for the week and if you don't want to go up and look at them individually on YouTube you can look at them all right no neat little row on the mmpodcast.com all right for those of you who are into drugs man we got a great one about 1961 it's a video on mushrooms and I believe I can't really tell what's going on here I think it there it's the beginning of ecstasy I have no idea what

but it's just great listening to the weird music that they're playing when they describe with these mushrooms do to you Elvis's date rape blue Hawaii blue Hawaii trailer it's just a bunch of clips of Elvis right before he bangs a lot of chicks and some of the shit that he gets away with just being mean and being really misogynistic and not to mention what's fucking hilarious is he doesn't have a shirt on in most of it because he's on the beach and just to see what being in shape look like back in the day he has no abs and he has these little seventh grade arms and a little fucking chest little chicken chest but

basically in shit in shape back in the 50s and 60s just meant you weren't fat I mean you just suck in your gut a little bit but he is the most horrific bathing suit I've ever seen in my life and I don't know you could basically do a nine-hour seminar at a feminist convention if they just showed this entire just the movie trailer alone this is a bizarre video is a hidden camera British cunt threatens to ruin ex's life this guy's marriage is falling apart and he's filming it it's just really bizarre if you like watching something really fucking awkward just definitely check it out and oh here's a new one this

is what I call pre-911 these YouTube videos we just see people doing shit in public that nowadays would end with a felony and the person on TV scolding them I know I've showed this video before but man jumps out of stands and catches football just in case for the new podcast listeners on one Monday night football game the Bears vs. the Packers somebody kicked a field goal and it's just going through the uprights this guy jumps out of the stands and catches it I mean you get tasered and you'd be put in jail immediately now and not only does this guy not get tasered he goes back to the fucking stands he's allowed

to continue watching the game and Dan Deardoff and Al Michaels are just laughing their fucking asses off think it's the greatest thing ever and that just makes me think about I wasn't a great before 9-11 when you could have a great time and do shit like that it was just considered all innocent fun and it didn't have to be treated like it was that it was that a Sama bin Laden who just jumped out of the fucking stands and alright the next YouTube video this is this is one for John Bonham fans this is a very rare video or just one I've never seen it's a Paul McCartney video where it's Paul McCartney and Wings and

Friends it's some horrifically awful awful song called the Rockestra theme but they you know one of those things where they put together like an all-star cast of people to raise money kind of like a precursor to the we are the world thing and they have three drummers two three drummers and one of them is John Bonham is not only is he not playing Ludwigs he's playing this drum kit I don't know if it's a North drum kit or there was another drum kit out there called a Stingray in the late 70s and early 80s they had these this radical design on the drums where they sort of had the bottom of the drum looks like it's made

if you out we're on acid and you were looking at a drum kit looks like it's melted and it's pointed out at the crowd allegedly it made your Tom sound better but it's the only time I've ever seen John Bonham not playing one of his famous Ludwig kits and any of the drummers out there can you please tell me what the kit is because I looked it up on the internet I tried to find images of Stingray drum kits and I saw a couple of the modern ones where they had the warped toms but I couldn't find any of the classic ones I look through my old modern drummer ones magazines and I couldn't find it but if anybody knows

the name of the drum kit I'd love to know all right and that's it I think that's it for this for this week yeah that's it a couple of movies somebody says to movie to avoid battle Los Angeles it is it was like independence day took a shit all over the expendables just didn't buy into it maybe it's because I've been sober for a while and I saw it with a few potheds who loved it to death wouldn't shut the fuck up during the movie and kept making stupid comments like dude we're fucked yeah I mean come on who goes to battle Los Angeles and actually thinks it's gonna be cherry it's a fire which I

actually thought that movie sucked yeah I think you need to smoke me that that's the movie that that movie is for potheds that's one you know eat a fucking you know a little weed cookie and go see it have a good time see that's right there you go there's something positive about weed it makes more awful movies like battle Los Angeles enjoyable and like relevant and somebody said Lincoln Lincoln lawyer was awesome all right that's it that is the podcast for this week you guys all have a great week thanks for everybody who listens to the Monday morning podcast if you want to hear that epic argument that I had with

red band you know and yes we are friends we got along great actually did a set itself comedy hole and we laughed about the argument so you know there's no reason to gossip anything beyond if you just really want to listen to a great argument of two people who just don't know how to say agree to disagree I definitely suggest listen to it I also definitely recommend subscribing to Joe Rogan's podcast it's fucking awesome I had a great time on it and that's it that's the podcast for this week I will see some of you at the Gibson Ampe Theater on April 2nd for the Kevin and Bean comedy show that raises money for

I forget what cause I know it's a great cause because no one ever raises money for terrorists right I guess unless you do a comedy show in like Saudi Arabia isn't that what they do you know that's how they raise money with their filthy fucking oil money then they funnel it through the mosques isn't that how it goes down is that on the paper trail goes down do you guys read Rolling Stone magazine you got to check it out on these two potheads who became international arms dealers it's really interesting to watch two kids get involved in that type of shit and also to see how that game is run and also kind

of makes you understand why certain countries really do not like other countries and kind of what's going on it's just completely fucked so I definitely recommend checking that out and I that's it alright can I just shut the fuck up now I'm gonna shut the fuck up now alright you guys have a great week go fuck yourselves and I'll talk to you later