Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 3-28-16

Episode Date: March 28, 2016

Bill rambles about scooters, skateboards and STDs.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, March 28th, 2016, the year of the yak, whatever the fuck it is in the Chinese New Year. I have no idea. Isn't that New Year next month? How does that work with those people? I don't get it. I don't understand why we're on standard and everybody else is on metric. Can we just pick one fucking calendar, one unit of measurement? You fucking go over to Europe. Jesus Christ. And then some old guys talk, hey, wait, fucking 20 stone, 20 stone. I mean, I guess we're still saying horsepower. Jesus fucking, well, what size stone? What are you a fucking Freemason? Is your buddy in the Illuminati? Is that where he's at? No, you're a little secret group. You think

you're going to make it buying up land on the aquifers? Is that what you're going to do? And then what? Huh? All the robots are going to take everything over, right? You phase everybody out, but except you. And then you guys, you guys are going to be good. And then all the robots, for some reason, aren't going to turn. I mean, fucking movies you need to watch before you realize that they're eventually going to turn on you. Stuck on you. You made a fucking robot. Now it's choking you off with your dick. And you deserve it. Might have glad you stayed there. There you go. That was a little Illuminati with Lionel Richie. You like that? Somebody sent me this fucking video. They go, Hey, you might want to, you might want to watch

this thing. And it was basically this person was talking about, uh, was showing how the automobile put the horse out of business, you know, which was so funny to me, like the horse was upset, like, Oh fuck, you mean human beings aren't going to ride on my back anymore? God, what do I, now what do I got to do? I can't run free on the plane. Um, I guess the horse population dropped off, but like nobody who was, no one, you know, most of them are born into, uh, I guess you really don't see horses running around. Do you? Maybe out in Wyoming. Yeah. See a lot of cows at the waffle house. I'm sorry. Well, why would you do a fat joke bill this early in? Come on. You're better than that bill. Hang on a second. Come on. Okay,

we're going to do this as well. Can we try to fucking have like just a certain standard of comedy? Do you got to go that low? Yeah. You got to attack the broads and fat people all at the same time that early. Hey, you know, whatever, you got to shoot your way out of a slump. It's my second attempt to get this thing going. This is one of these times I'm recording the podcast, not because I'm feeling it. It's because I have to, because I got shit to do tomorrow. So I got to kind of knock this thing out on Easter. So anyways, anybody, somebody shows me this fucking thing. So the guy shows how the car put the horse out of fucking business. And yeah, like I said, like the horse is upset. It's like when you watch those weird commercials where like the Mr. Potato heads

are sneaking off to eat potato chips. There's some sort of weird like undertones of cannibalism going on there. And it's supposed to be adorable. I don't get those commercials on any level. But I totally lost my train of thought. Oh yeah, so they were basically showing how computers and everything being automated is going to phase everybody out. And there's going to be this mass unemployment that is coming. Like this is fucking groundbreaking thought. I mean, a dummy like me has been saying this for fucking ever, right? And he just kept going like, oh, so you're in this industry. Well, you're not safe either. You think, you know, you actually, you're a computer programmer. Well, guess what? You're not safe either, buddy. Just fucking relax.

And like, he just kept coming with that tone. And at some point, I was just like, well, you're going to fucking shine that light on yourself. That maybe he does by the end. I couldn't listen to him. What about condescending douchebags who think they know everything narrating over these fucking videos? You know, with your big dude, I called it really is technology in the future going to get rid of jobs. Yeah, I had no idea it's only been doing that since the beginning of fucking time. These fucking people are just forever forecasting that the sky is going to fall. This is the fucking thing. Eventually the sky will fall. Nobody knows when it's going to happen. Everybody's been trying to predict it ever since that fucking nose for Thomas douchebag all the way down to a

moron like me. The bottom line is none of us know what we're talking about. Oh, the lovely media will get a microphone and a plug. They're in the they're in the closet. So the bottom line is nobody knows when all this shit's gonna end. So just just fucking go enjoy yourself. You know, I just feel like this fucking all this whole presidential election, you get, you got one loon. It's in the closet. It's on the closet at the top shelf. You got one lunatic on the fucking left, another lunatic on the right. And then you got this fucking, I don't know what she is in the middle. You know, she's not really in the middle. She's just more the same, you know, they're gonna, they should just wheel her into the White House like fucking Hannibal Lecter.

One of those fucking masks on. She went out to watch her awful fucking mouth. You need the plug too. Oh, I got the plug over here. Let me hit pause so the listeners don't have to fucking listen to this shit. And with that, the magic of the pause button, we were able to get by all that. Don't you wish you had a pause button in life, Nia? I certainly do. When all of a sudden something bad was going on, like, you know, I was in the middle of one of my long drawn out stories, you could, well, I actually want to fast forward, wouldn't you? I felt that your listeners might need rescuing from that. From, oh, is that what it is? I know. Let me just bring it down because you're breathing into the mic here. Yeah, don't do that. Just have it, just hold it down a little

more relaxed, you know, like you're sitting there with the drink and you're always telling me how to use the microphone. Yeah, because you don't, all right, we'll fucking use how you want to use it then. I got my own style, man. Yeah, you do. Yeah, you know, you sound, sometimes you sound like a, you know, one of the little kid answers the phone, just pick up the phone, you know, it's like, hello? You're like, Hey, what'd you do today? Do you have a good day? They're like, Yes. That's the hardest thing ever. I just was talking to my niece and it's just like, you gotta like, you can't answer if you just ask them yes or no questions. You got to be like, what did you do today? You can't be like, did you have fun today? Because they won't elaborate. They'll just go,

Yes. You're like, Oh, fuck, I need another question. Yeah, they're not the greatest conversationalist, but oh, they're brutal interview, brutal interviews. They just, Oh, is that why child actors are so creepy? You know, like little kid, because it's like, you shouldn't be able, you shouldn't be this articulate, you shouldn't be able to just like elaborate in a way because you're a kid. Yeah, right. No, it's it's the combination that they talk like adults, they're making more money than you are. Right. And they're wearing that little talk show suit. The whole thing and they just be and they just sit there and they cross their legs like an adult does when they do panel. And they'll just be like, you know, so what was it like

working on blah, blah, blah? He's like, Oh, he was great to work with. I've been a huge fan of his stuff. Like, yeah, for the last six years, my whole life, basically, I don't think they should make little kids do interviews. I feel like that's I think it's one thing for them to do movies and stuff, but I don't think they should be doing interviews and press and stuff. I just feel like that's weird. I don't think people should talk to little kids. Period. Like, no, like little kids. I don't talk to little kids like little kids. No, neither do I. And I think that that is a like, I think it weirds them out after the age of four to be like, Oh, look at you. And they're just looking at you like, yeah, you know, like, do you remember

remembering young Frankenstein, when he just goes like, it is alive. I've never seen it. It is alive. And Frankenstein sitting there looking at him like, dude, what the fuck is your deal? No, Gene Wilder. No, you never saw that movie. No, walk this way. You haven't touched your food. Are you quoting the movie or are you just saying words? You're quoting the movie. Did you have a pot cookie? No, no, like, yeah, you never seen that movie. He's fucking hilarious. Is that the one where he's always going Frankenstein? Yeah, Frankenstein, because I remember those clips, but I don't. Wasn't there something called young Frankenstein with Yahoo! Serious, that comedian from Australia? What was that movie? Well, God knows I always fuck up the name. It's

the one with Gene Wilder. No, I think you're right. That's that's the name of a Gene Wilder movie. But wasn't there something with Frankenstein with Yahoo! Serious? I don't know. I don't know why there's like a wind tunnel where you're talking. You know what it is? Does it sound bad? No, because this is what you do. You're up here, and then you're down here, and then you're here. You're moving it all around. So what do I do? You need a steady hand on that microphone. See? You don't move your hand at all? I'm pretty consistent. I just I rest it like this. I rest it against my chest, my chesticles. Okay, so just like this. My male, my male pecs here, my chesticles. Does it sound far away though, if I do this? Yeah, it does. How about this? That's

fine. This is good. That is good. All right, that's right there. Now just don't move and freeze for the next 50 minutes. Well, I'm probably gonna leave soon. I just came in to say hi. Oh, okay. Well, I didn't know if you had any questions from... Oh, that hasn't come in yet. Oh, so what are you going on about? Frankenstein? No, I was talking about the illumine. This fucking video somebody told me to watch where it was just like, this guy's just saying how technology and robots are going to phase everybody out. And you just go, you know, oh, you're a milkman. You think you're safe? Check out this fucking robot and everything. It's just like, yeah, what about condescending douchebags who narrate videos? Like they probably already have

a robot to do that, right? Don't they? To do what? I'll tell you this. To just narrate shit. They already have the fucking robot lady in the elevator. Or even that's just a voiceover. That fucking woman... Can somebody please make a poster? It's like a horror film. And what did you say that weird robot lady in the elevator? I want somebody... That fucking robot lady in the elevator. I want somebody to do a poster for a movie with your face looking very concerned. There's like an elevator behind it. No, she's depressing. She's in like every fucking elevator. And it's like going up. And then when she says going down, she goes, going down. And she really, like your whole life is going in the shitter. And I can't tell you

how many people I've been in the elevator. I go, it's so fucking depressing. They're like, I know, I hate it. It's not just me. Okay. You know, it's all of us out there in the remodest, you know, hoping they got that little waffle flippy thing down there for the continental breakfast. That's right. Those stale blueberry muffins, those little bite-sized ones that for some reason give give you a, what do they call this? A little muffin top. Muffin top. Those things are like little grenades for your gut, for your belly, you know, you just pop one of those in there. You come like, like Homer Simpson. Yep. Oh, you're going to do this? All right, let's get into the, let's get into this part of the, oh, I thought you were giving me shit. No, no, no, I'm listening.

Yep. Just doing that shit. Let's talk about your little trashing that you took. You took like a cellar level comedy cellar level trashing today. We were out to brunch with my mother-in-law, my brother-in-law, my sister-in-law, and you and me. And we go out to, we go out to lunch and you are the biggest sweetheart. You got your wonderful sense of humor. You're a cutie pie, but when you talk to the waitstaff or just in general. I still don't see it. Oh, and everybody that was in agreement. You have, you put a little mustard on it. You have like a, can you get your shit together or what? Like how many times do I have to ask you the first time? Like when the lady came over and she goes, what did she ask? You and I were sitting down

while- At a six-top. Yeah, at a six-top while my mom and my brother were outside waiting for my sister. So we went to get our table and she said, hi, can I get you guys some of the drink? And we both said waters. And she goes, okay, and can I get you some appetizers? And I said, we're just, we're waiting on three more. That's all I said. But you make it seem like I was like, excuse me. You had this tone of like, bitch, why would two people sit at a six-top? There's obviously more people coming. You had a little fucking- And there were menus. And there were menus. See, there it is. And there were menus. And it was totally, that's what it was. The fact that there was menus there and she didn't do the math, you just have this, well, what the fuck's wrong with you?

I, but I don't think that I'm a difficult person to serve in a restaurant. Would you say that? I don't send things back. The way that you do it, the way that you do it, it's, it's one of those fucking zingers. It's a tone. So the person that you said something nice, but there's a tone in there that makes the person a step and a half away, kind of cocked their head like, was she just being a fucking asshole there? Am I like- Yeah, you were accusing me of being shady. It's basically what it was. And that's not my intention. I just, you do, you do know though, I- Not shady. Shady is like dishonest. You're saying that- No, no, shady as in I'm being shady Throwing shade. Are you going down? Going down. I just have a, I definitely have a little less

patience than normal, perhaps at a restaurant. This is good. You're gradually- And I do feel that I don't like it when they're not on top of things. That's all. And I mean, it wasn't just for me, like my mom got her salad before she got her wine and the rest of us got drinks and like, you know, me and my brother and my sister all had mixed drinks. She had wine. Like her should have been the first thing that came out. And then we all get our stuff and then she gets a salad with no wine. And I said to her, and she has a wine to the one she brought over my mom's salad. I just said, and she has a wine. I wasn't like, my mom ordered wine and she should have gotten that first. I don't do all that. No, you don't go to that level. Yeah. So what's the problem? No, you have a fucking

tone. I can't do it. The way that you fucking do it. I just, I always look at you go, go easy on you. I just fucking take a little off your fastball there. You just have this fucking, dude, your brother agreed. Your sister agreed. What did my mother say? She pleaded the fifth. She goes, I'm not going to get involved in this. Because she does the same thing, to be honest. I'm not trying to throw my mom out of the bus. Oh, and that's what your brother said. What? Your brother goes, when your mother was talking, I said that's where she gets it from. Well, I mean, my mom definitely has been known to complain about food. She pitched about the food in Italy. The funniest thing ever. Don't keep saying, don't keep spreading that rumor. I guess

I'm just used to a sandwich that has meat on it. More meat on it. More meat on it. No, I mean, I think yes. How hard did we tease her for complaining about food in Italy? We tease her a lot. But then she loves everything else. She's a good sport about it. Yes, she's a good sport about it. But no, I mean, my mom has a tendency to be like just to the point with people like that, because, you know, I just let them know. Listen, this was the Sunday waitstaff. This was the Easter Sunday waitstaff. Like I said, you're not getting the cream deliquent of waitstaff on Easter Sunday, like let's be real. Wow. You're just so you're going in there with that attitude. Now this is all this type of fucking predisposed thought and tone that guys like me guys like me going to offend

somebody because somebody did a shift at a restaurant on Easter Sunday. You have they're going to say that I'm saying that they're not the creme de la creme. But if you had been in this restaurant, okay, so I'm not talking about you. If you had been at a great restaurant, you would have seen just how it was a little off. That's all. And I wasn't like throwing a temper tantrum being demanded. You have this fucking attitude. Every fucking place we go when you order you have I'm always like easy, just easy. Just all you got to do just pump the brakes a little. I just feel like they asked me what I want. And I just tell them what I want and what I need. And I'm the thing is when you order, I think you're fine. But then it's when when everything isn't

chop chop coming your way, you have a way of like, can we get some more bread? Like, please. Like you have this. I can't that's that's that's too. Yes, I lose my patience. So you're fucking agreeing with me. I agree that I have a low patience for service that is not the quality that I feel that should be. Yeah. Well, here's the yes, I know. And if they fuck with your food, they're gonna fuck with my food too. So it's just fucking the waitstaff has an unbelievable amount of power that you're not really realizing to fuck with your life. I realize that I was a waitress. Remember, I understand how it all goes down. I just and what happened to you with that job? You got fired. And here you are.

Really? Yeah, I got fired over some bullshit. And they could never even tell me why I got fired. Okay, they were like, Oh, you told somebody that they couldn't have iced coffee. And I said, Oh, you told me that we don't serve iced tea anymore, because it's the fall. And they're like, Oh, but you still can have iced coffee. And I'm like, Oh, I didn't fucking know that. And that was an example of one of the reasons why they fired me. Bullshit. It was over. I think it was a little mustard, a little mustard getting slung around in that place. You know, you probably had the same fucking attitude, the same lack of patience with the people ordering those fucking barflies. Actually, no, you did a great job. That was one of my favorite times when I was first getting

out. Yeah, you should work at this place doesn't exist anymore. The all state cafe on the west side of New York, like 70 seconds. She used to work the lunchtime shift. And I would come in as a fucking, you know, no name a goo comedian, right? So my days are free. My phone's not ringing. You come in every day that I was working was so cute. You come in with a New York post, you come in with the paper, I loved it. And you sit in the same booth and I get a burger. Oh, shit. And I would say Rosa would come by Rosa would come. You looked adorable. You looked at people loved you there. People you got you got the shaft there, which I just brought that up. I definitely got the shaft there because I had friends there. But restaurants are just

their weird environments. And that's the only place you ever got fired from. And I remember how hard you took that because every place else you've just gotten promoted promoted promoted. That's the only place. Yeah, you cried. So I think maybe that's why you have that fucking attitude when you go in there because it brings you back. And that's ridiculous. Well, then maybe you're just not a nice person. Now I get impatient at restaurants. I will cop to that. Okay, fine. I cops being impatient at restaurants. Well, do you remember when you were a wait wait wait waitress and people were like impatient with you? How did that make you feel? It didn't make me feel good.

Okay. So the next time we go out, do you think maybe I'll just let you order for me. How about that? Making all nice school and traditional just like you like that. Well, yeah, I liked it when there was defined jobs. Defined gender roles, you mean? Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, well, I'll let you have this one. It may it made such a shrew to deal with when you take me out to eat. It made it a lot easier. What do you mean? The questions just came in, by the way. Okay. One of them skin infection. What am I a doctor? Somebody wrote you about they got they were getting married or they're

engaged and their fiance wanted to have a little mermaid themed wedding. Do you remember this question? Yeah, yeah, because I got sent it to Andrew, send it to me too. To comment. I mean, obviously I'm late, but I just first of all, I just don't think that's a real fucking question. I didn't either. Okay, good. I didn't think it was real. But I was like, if this is real person would really like no 28 year old woman wants to have their fiance dress up as who is it supposed to be Neptune? You know, because that doesn't make any fucking sense because Neptune is her father would would be the little mermaid's father. Yeah, I just seem like he would be dressed up as Prince Eric. And the fact that you didn't know that just proves that you lied because a girl

who's really into little mermaid like I am would know that those are the facts. So well, maybe they're just talking about okay, here we go. Bizarre 13 most bizarre and unusual wedding themes. All right, here we go. Look, these people are dressed up like fucking monsters. All right, look at these. They're both dressed zombies. Yeah, no, this isn't really this isn't good for the people can't see what we're talking about. Yeah, well, we can comment on it. Can you have a little faith in me? Jesus, stop treating me like a waiter. Having your wedding at a department store. These people got married at TJ max. All right, no comment, no comment. Okay, your entire party can be superheroes. All right, so here this is getting towards the little Neptune,

the one of the fuck was called a little mermaid, little mermaid. Okay, so one was dressed like Wonder Woman. The other one was dressed like Batman. How odd his shape is the Batman. It's a loose fitting fucking Batman suit. He looks horrible. That's some shit that you regret later. He looks like old Batman, like, you know, when your skin loses the elasticity, Super Mario Brothers can smash it up at your wedding. That's a wedding cake of Super Mario Brothers wedding. Just show up naked. Okay, now is this seem is this seeming? Wow, what a bunch of fucking weirdos. A roller coaster of a wedding. People get married on a roller coaster. Yes, I could see that jump off a bridge while you say I do you get the metaphor

near is they hit me over the head with the other yes. Make it so somebody has in their wedding ring to boldly go where no man has gone before you. This is this is you've seen the theme here. There's a Shrek wedding. Oh, really? Well, anyway, I thought the question said that the dad thrown into a shark cage was not the dad but like the the groom was supposed to be dressed like Neptune. And that just would not make sense unless he was all this comic con shit all these fucking nerds. Try to find Middle Earth for the wedding of your dreams. Rocky Horror Picture Show in a zombie wedding. I mean, it's just people out there that think that that shit's cool. I still thought it was a bogus question. I have I don't fucking know. What do I know? Okay.

I was going to tell the story of seeing the old guy fall off the scooter. I hope he's all right. Jesus Christ. You helped him though. What was I supposed to do as the first person there? Billy Bird of the rescue fucking guy rolling down the street sliding on his face. He wasn't he had raspberries he knocked himself out he came around he's spitting out he was pulling out little bits of teeth. And I don't know why it was horrifying when I saw it but now I can't talk about it without laughing. It's just because he was on a scooter. I basically I was I'm not going to say all the information because God forbid the people that are related to him are listening. So the fucking dude was like, ah, fuck it. I'll just tell the story.

I didn't do anything. I just finished flying which is exploit is fucking tragic. Why don't we know what all right. I had just done finished flying right. Which everybody says is so fucking unsafe right fly around and look all this cool shit fly over Silver Lake to see that they took the water out of it. I didn't realize that and I came back. I fucking land you know say goodbye to everybody and I'm driving out you know to the real scary thing driving down the fucking street and I literally pull out I make a right turn and I don't I don't drive more than 40 yards and I just see this fucking guy just this old guy takes the turn to come on to the on the little two lane highway that I'm on he's on the opposite

side of the road and he like he went too fast and unlike a motorcycle you can't just turn the front wheel you're going to go down on a scooter you know what I mean you got to kind of look your way through the turn and lean and your momentum you know you're supposed to look through the fucking turn he he was going too fast and he went into the the fucking island in the middle. He jumped the fucking curb the whole fucking scooter went up in the and he high sided right he just gets launched off this fucking thing and he's rolling down the street like a fucking log why are you laughing so hard because people falling down is fucking hilarious he was fine he didn't break anything he just knocked himself out he's a little

looking cuss and then he wasn't wearing a shield and in the end he just sort of he was sliding on his face so I'm going oh shit oh shit oh shit as I'm watching it and I fucking pull over no I made sure everybody stopped and I got out I was like dude dude I just stay there you're all right you're all right and um and he was he wasn't saying anything and he was fucking raspberry on his face his pants were torn up he literally got fucking attacked by a wild animal and he's fucking laying I feel terrible that this happened to him but it's just afterwards it's just funny and he was laying there right and like one of his legs he had like up like he was chilling and the other one was just straight out like that he was like and he was like coming

around and I was like oh man I called 911 you're fine you're fine and then this lady shows up and she just kept going don't move don't move okay you're okay just don't move okay and she kept going okay and it started annoying me and I almost started laughing like I want to be like lady like the way you're talking is probably worse than what the fuck he's feeling right now so by then you know like five or six people had stopped everybody called so this ambulance shows up I'm like okay thank god and he and now he wants to get up we just kept telling him not to get up and um the ambulance pulls up and he just goes uh he goes is he all right is he all right like yeah yeah he seems to be okay you know we're not fucking doctors but he seems to be okay and

he goes all right just tell him not to move I already have someone on this ambulance there's another one coming and then he gets the ambulance and drives away yeah and then we're looking down the street we don't see any ambulance coming we're like what the fuck and um finally one in a cop finally came up and this guy was fucking priceless he gets out right fucking horseshoe bald guy right he's got the whole landing strip he just comes out looking like Sergeant Riker from the rookies for anybody's old and he fucking just comes walking he looked like the guy from NYPD blue the old guy showed his ass with the mustache minus the mustache he just comes walking up and he just walks right up to the guy Dennis Franz yeah he just walks up like his toes are almost touching the guy's body

and he just looks down at him he goes you all right and the guy at that point is going like yeah yeah I'm fine and he goes all right and Daniel's gonna be like he just his level of just like I mean he must see like people would be on fire every day yeah this guy exactly he just sees a scooter and this guy fucked up he's just like yeah yeah all right he also seemed way too old to still be in a patrol car so I think he fucked up somehow and got busted down or maybe he was on his way to some senior police fucking banquet or some shit and he's like I'm driving the cruiser they know I'm a cop I have to stop so once that was fine it was funny then we're just standing there waiting for the ambulance but you know we got to get on with that day and uh me and there was this tall

older black dude standing there and he's just like he's like ah man they're here and I was like yeah yeah they're here and we just both got in a car and fucking drove away and uh it was really you know wasn't too bad I mean it wasn't too gory a scene it was just a couple of raspberries and stuff glad he didn't have a more serious injury oh yeah absolutely but it wasn't until I got on the highway and I started driving and I started thinking about it and I just started laughing I think it was just more the surprise that you saw it but there is just something just watching somebody get fucked up like that I remember the time I was in Griffith Park and that dude came down the hill in street clothes on a skateboard he went down that fucking hill

what are you serious dude this kid was were you hike were you hike up to the observatory somebody was going down yeah uh a skateboard yeah so I was just north of where the greek theater was and this guy just went yeah went flying by on this thing and I was just like oh my god that guy is the shit like and I'm thinking like well how's he gonna stop because this is just downhill till you get into traffic and all of a sudden his legs start doing that that wobbly fucking thing and I'm like no fucking way and I'm telling you this guy was going like fucking 30 miles an hour and then he just steps off the skateboard you always do that either one or two steps and then you're done he was going so fast he did like one step and it was like

who's that guy who fucking jumped 30 feet in 1969 nobody ever broke it he fucking head first flying it was like the greatest stunt I ever saw and he landed too and he started rolling near when I tell you this guy this guy was rolling so fast he was like a blur he's like he would go like then hit like his elbow which would shoot him in the air and then the best is when you're not going fast enough to keep rolling and then he just slide in the sand like all the way down the thing and I was just like the skateboard kept going and I was and he was and he just he was just not moving and I was going like oh my god and he was so he started wiping out like 50 yards away from me and I swear to god it was a quarter mile walk

to get where the fuck he stopped and he was just laying in the road not moving like I was like I think this guy is fucking dead he had he had no helmet he had street clothes on he looked like he just came back from drinking and he just he had like this Harrison Ford like brown leather jacket on he just fucking launched himself so I get up so I I'm getting close to it at this point he's trying to set up he knows he's laying in the middle of the road and I finally see his skateboard hit the curb on the other side and bounced into a parked car and then he like like crawled he tried to stand up and he couldn't put any weight in it like and he crawled he crawled over and sat down and by then I knew he was all right so I was already starting to laugh so I was just going like

doing that dude while laughing I go you all right he goes he's like yeah bro what the fuck man and at that point I'm trying out the lap I was just like dude I go that was fucking that was fucking hardcore man I never seen a wipeout like that if I was filming that fucking thing dude it was the most fucking it was the greatest log roll whatever the fuck you call that thing that thing was just I never seen it I can't believe his shoes stayed on like you know your shoes always fly off whenever you get hit real hard yeah oh my god tremendous fucking tremendous and it's just as much as you feel for the person there's just nothing funnier than watching somebody fucking wipe out if they don't die and you don't know them right god help me man anyway so let me do a

little podcast read you for some uh for some of the advertising oh it's advertising time it's advertising time and then you do the questions afterwards yeah I can get right to those things if you know I just don't want you to start you know talking to me in a certain way I was gonna ask you what you wanted for dinner I'm starting to get hungry again um something remotely oh here we go oh the advertising you want to help me read some advertising yeah god knows I can't read out love they don't want me to read it well I can't read this they can actually have the whole fucking am I supposed to read the whole menu I'm not doing this shit all right you're supposed to look at it before you do the podcast baby yeah I didn't get into this business to have a job blue apron everybody

all right you need to know how to cook um not only do you feel like you know your way around the kitchen honey but cooking at home means eating healthier and saving money instead of ordering expensive takeout again but where do you start this sounds like it's old school infomercials somebody like looking at all the pans and looks at the camera and shakes their head well I don't know where to start did you turn on a burner you fucking jerk off blue apron blue apron as you covered for less than 10 bucks per meal blue apron delivers all the fresh ingredients you need to create home cooked meals just follow the easy step-by-step instructions this is actually a cool thing this is I would I would definitely try that can blue aprons send us some stuff no oh okay

Neil we got too much shit I'm trying to get rid of shit I don't need a bunch of blue aprons hanging around they send you food in a recipe car how do you know I haven't even finished this that's what blue apron is what are you talking about what how do I know what this is you're doing the advertising and you don't know what blue apron is they send you the ingredients and then the rest they send you the exact amount you need so you don't buy too much or too little well then they should call it blue recipes shouldn't they maybe you do want me to read it each meal can be prepared and I'm just saying if I was young right I was you know dating or anything there's a great way hey let's stay in tonight well we're a little blue apron we can do that um each meal can be prepared

in 40 minutes or less no overwhelming trips to the grocery store oh my god no more sad takeout oh look at the noodles no matter how I love how they just have to shit on everything else it's convenient why do you have to take grocery stores down no matter your dietary preferences blue apron makes it a breeze to discover and prepare dishes like I am not reading all of these fucking things at least read three let's we'll do like a little like uh Donnie and Marie here I'll read the first one chicken fried chicken with what have you not heard of chicken fried chicken you wrote chicken fried steak oh chicken fried chicken with baked sweet potato and quick collard greens oh look at them go shrimp shrimp po-boy sandwiches with Tribeca bread locked in the

fuck is Tribeca bread maybe we should go to blue apron dot com steak and eggs for ourselves steak and eggs with kimchi fried rice that sounds good I love kimchi me too spice catfish with paella sty right style rice and creamy saffron aioli saffron aioli that used to be my stripper name seared pork with spring that's such an old joke don't don't turn off the uh computer no come on over come on I like you over here uh radishes and sugar snap peas hash with ranch yogurt I haven't heard half of this shit one word oh radishes and sugar snap peas hash with oh no I guess yeah hash with ranch yogurt yeah I speak the language that sounds good right your own kitchen cook with ingredients that you've never used before like watermelon radishes faro faro faro and purple

potatoes I've clicked with purple potatoes we used to go to the farmer's market oh yeah like every sunday that was all those dirty people walking around what dirty people just you know are you talking about the vendors no the lefties you're talking about like the hippie farmers all the man buns just the fucking hair falling into the fucking kimchi that kind of places the way you could definitely buy weed there as well I actually I don't mind the farmer's market but I hate how you have to get there I just hate that you got to get there early you got to get there early it's like do I let me just go down the street I'll just get the poison and recipes between 500 to 700 calories per portion delicious and good for you right now you can get your first

two meals for free at blue apron dot com slash burr that's blue apron dot com slash burr blue apron a better way to cook actually I like farmer's market because if they actually are local farmers I like to uh support them but I know the corporate food has worked its way in there you know they just take off corporate potatoes and they just write hey man potatoes right and then it's like me buy i'm thinking i'm sticking it to the man hey man potatoes only two this week me can you believe it how great I read these things helix a great group uh right now it's not helix helix was that the name of the group I don't know give me an R O O C C K what are you talking about and what you want to do rock rock you don't remember that song no it was like uh I don't know what it was it was

one of the most bizarre things and there was some reason they would dress like fucking cavemen that sounds like an 80s thing oh absolutely it was an 80s thing oh well you know how old I was in the 80s like I would I I don't remember yeah but you know other things well speaking of robots taken over everywhere how can you ever can make a robot do what james brown did you can't you can't you know what but there's some fucking nerd trying to insert oppression and pain into a robot to see if they can give it a little bit of soul it's like x machina they they start treating it worse than the other ones it's x machina yeah or x machina or however you pronounce it all right helix night after night I really feel like it's helix helix night after night two people lay in the same bod

kidding how's what you say it's bed night after night two people lay in the same bed but when it comes time to buy a new mattress only one gets their way until yeah the the fucking top until now introducing helix sleep helix helix where you can buy mattresses online customized for both of you for hundreds of dollars instead of thousands go to helix sleep dot com answer a few simple questions based on four key preferences do you pee the bed is it's our real question um when you jerk off are you on the couch you're in do you need a plastic so-and-so mattress cover as a result yeah this that's why they're so cheap these are old mattresses of bed wetters i'm keeping it entertaining so they listen to the rest of the information they know that's not true until now introducing helix

sleep where you can buy mattresses online customized for both of you for hundreds of dollars instead of thousands go to helix sleep dot com answer a few simple questions based on four key preferences and the results will be custom sleep a custom sleep profile used to build you the most comfortable mattress you'll ever sleep on your mattress will arrive at your door door door door in about a week and shipping is a hundred percent free and for couples hey helix customers customize each side customize each side of the mattress personalized to suit each of your bodies and the way you both sleep interesting helix customizes customers report a 30 improvement in overall sleep quality how do you gauge that you're asleep right when you wake up you know whether you've had a good

night's sleep or not all right fair enough you have a hundred nights to try it out if you don't love it they pick it up for free and then what do they do with it and give you a hundred percent refund no questions asked gross and then what do you do you throw that back into the rotation and one of the only a couple hundred bucks right hey just fuck on this side of the bed she likes it more soft he likes it you have a hundred nights to try it out that's why everyone from gq magazine to Forbes are all talking about helix sleep yeah yeah george cloney has one of these go to helix dot com slash burr and get $50 off your order that's helix sleep dot com slash burr helix sleep dot com slash burr i like the idea of having a mattress that's tailored to both of our sides

look if you just want to sleep in a different bed just say it all right no i don't think so no of course all right dolly shave club joe dolly shave club dot com has a special offer for new members to who joined today you get a free month kit of the executive razor when you buy a tube of dr cavies dr cavies easy shaved butter um what dr carvers i say carbies yeah dr carvers oh it's carvers i've been saying carvey the whole time dr cavies let's talk to carvers i never noticed that dr cavies easy shave butter dr cavies shave butter is what it's called easy shave butter that was a little too fucking i don't know what are we making here huh what are you making here i put this on my face

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formula with high quality natural ingredients leaving your skin feeling unbelievably fucking smooth all right we get it and right now new members who buy a tube of shave the shave butter get the executive razor for free they've never done this before take advantage of it and it's only available by going to doc dollyshaveclub.com slash burr that's dollyshaveclub.com slash burr hey dollyshaveclub.com slash burr um yeah it's tough it's tough that's why i fuck around on them because i'm not going to have people subjected to my fucking reading out loud without you know if it's a funny train wreck like the way i read is like me watching that old guy fall off the scooter oh grandpa oh grandpa did you take it too fast hey guess what my Boston Bruins did today today

did they do something that's going to put them in the running to be in the Stanley Cup finals the playoffs the playoffs last week you know we were fucking possibly could be you know a bunch of shit had to happen you know basically the ranges in the capitals had to keep losing or whatever and we we could have gone past them had been in first place in the eastern conference and then we lost five in a row okay and today we out we won our first one we beat Toronto thank god congratulations Bruins yeah it was going to be a shit show we lost five in a row we fucking lost the San Jose Anaheim the Kings then the Rangers and then the Panthers and the wheels were fucking coming off and then uh of course as always Bergeron and Chara fucking step up you know

for the uh i guess the Tyne goal and then the go ahead goal and what's his face Balesky got the fucking empty netter i missed the whole game because we were at brunch and i was sitting there watching you looking absolutely gorgeous treating the weight staff is that why you didn't want to go today no i didn't know i didn't want to go because i thought your mom wanted to go to someplace where everyone was going to go and everyone was going to show up with their Easter hats and i was going to be standing out in the sun with it's going to be a 45 minute wait you guys want to go down the street and get some drinks and then maybe come back we'll give you this vibrating square yeah i don't want to do that but it turned out to be that no it ended

up being great ended up being great oh by the way i haven't even talked about it nia i played the terrorist theater last night in Long Beach yes the place where uh Richard Pry did the greatest stand-up special of all time i want to thank everyone who came out i had such a great time but for the first 10 minutes i was literally freaking out going like that's where he told the white guy you know sit your ass down you know this is where he did my monkeys died and i remember in the end when i waved good night i remember how he finished his set the woman having the orgasm and the whole place goes nuts and he didn't have to say good night he just waved oh i started to watch this special i had to stop watching it because i knew it would

fuck up my set but like it is if you it is the definition of a comic who's just in a zone he walks out from the beginning to end it gives me like fucking goosebumps when i watch that special to this day he's the greatest it's not even fucking close and i got to basically stand and do stand up and i just can't believe it i watched that special since i was a kid and you walk in and it looks the exact same way you drive in is where he drove in with his wife when they filmed the special and it all still looks the same and as i was walking in i was getting like the chills and you just walk and it's like there it is this is this is it this is the place and it and at the end of the show when i said good night dean delray came out and out showed me and the spotlight went on him

so it wasn't on me and so it wasn't in my eyes anymore i could just see the spotlight hitting the tops of everybody's head and that's the way i saw the theater you know because they didn't really show the crowd in that special and um it was just one of the coolest things ever and then the night before i worked at theater in riverside california that they actually debuted gone with the wind the first you know before they had the official premiere at man's chinese theater they wanted to make sure the sound was all right so they just headed east and they uh they shot it i don't know they they fucking whatever they played the movie out there and i got to stand on those stages it was fucking tremendous and i want to thank everybody who came out um it was fucking amazing

yeah um and lastly before we get into the questions is the uh the lincoln continental all right i talked to this you know this guy who drove us we got a driver to take us down to long beach because i knew it was going to have a couple of whiskies after that you know i was trying to be responsible so um you know i i was sitting there going like you know i like the lincoln continental i hope they don't fuck it up i hope they make it fuck with the Mercedes bends you know like let's really make this a nice car like fuck with the seven series bmw i want this thing to be a nice fucking car and i was saying you'll be cool if they actually brought back to suicide doors and the driver was going yeah they're doing that the top of the line one's

gonna have suicide doors and i went and i looked it up and here's a picture of it how sick is that fucking car that's very cool um where i'm gonna post this picture and it's just the concept car and as far as i know they didn't fucking do it why wouldn't you do that look at that look how fucking pure that is sick as fucking shit ever mia look at that car yeah i see no it's cool i'm looking hopefully you guys are just you're looking at the picture right now they even have like the trunk comes up and slides forward and then the bottom kicks out and there's your fucking luggage so we can see it in real life they can't we know what you have to do is you have to buy the car and then you got to take it to one

of these wizards out here and say you see that i want you to do that one of those gas monkey guys tell them to fucking do that to the car wait what's this one though i saw on the bottom this this is a lincoln yeah this is with the led lights and in this one the led lights like the the the lincoln continental their emblem also lights up in led lights that's fucking sick that's nice 2017 lincoln continental to replace 2016 lincoln mks yeah i'm either gonna get that or i'm gonna get that dodge ram rt sport like just the two-door no extra cab none of that i just i'm such a ford guy but i just fucking love the way the dodge ram hammy truck looks one or the other one or the other but i'm gonna get some i'll probably get the old man car that's me right

you're definitely an old man oh yeah god damn it you know what are you gonna i thought it was cool i guess i'm not all right so here we go unless they fuck the car up and then i'll be right back to square one um look at this fucking guy wait a second you are addicted to world star hip hop like you watch these videos constantly dude it's the funniest shit ever it's the sickest fights it's the funniest fucking videos and then there's all this all this rap shit that i'm never gonna fucking i'm see that's i'm too out of the loop and i end up seeing like uh who's the guy i like the trinidad uh yes trinidad james james yes the fucking that guy's a genius i don't know it's a fucking g yay yes he's totally

different you don't think he is i enjoyed a couple of his songs but whatever i wouldn't go that far you didn't see the fucking video where they had the things in their eye that looked cool as shit to me they did that in the fucking the opening to that movie belly this is not like a new concept look everything's been done you could do that to maya come on why are you being yeah you're treating everybody like a fucking waiter this week i'm trying to give somebody a shout out who got fucked out of a record deal you know what i mean it's you know unbelievable only i get to criticize shit i see that all right let's get on to the uh let's go to the uh uh let's get to the questions here for this week all right dare devil dear billy nun chucks uh you

know what nun chucks are yes bill that was it right there that was it right there you just asked me if i knew what nun chucks i just asked you yeah i can't even read out loud i'm not judging you fuck all right last year someone recommended you to watch uh dare devil i would like to reiterate that a year later season two is the shit uh the punisher fucks people up the way he should and you actually believe the love story tons of cool fight scenes watch it with the whiskey not sure if neil would love it but this one's this one's for you all right i'll give it a shot i've heard it's really good well let's let's let's watch it let's watch it tonight okay we'll watch it you want to have a whiskey with me sure a whiskey with ol frisky over here um sorry skin infection

oh the question everybody has not been waiting for all right dear bill i was hanging out with this girl and i think she gave me a quote skin infection oh no i haven't been with anybody else i confronted her about it and she said she didn't have any symptoms i am 100 sure i haven't been with anyone else and i contracted it from her she's acting like nothing happened and i didn't say i got it from her but it's still kind of weird should i take my chances and get back with her or move on what kind of skin infection do you have he means std he's just i know okay um i was hanging out with this girl i mean if you were if that was the only person that you had slept with in like the last six months and you didn't use protection and uh i mean as long as you told her

just get treated and i mean that's up to you if you want to keep banging this girl or not but don't keep banging this girl yeah probably not yeah especially if she i mean because the thing is she could at least be like all right well let me go get tested just in case yeah and then you could both be tested for everything and get treated for everything and they're all good yeah and then go your separate ways this is how this thing starts off yeah it's not good he obviously likes banging her otherwise he wouldn't be asking this question it must not be too many prospects on the horizon if this is what it's come down to and then i'll go the obvious one she's really good at fucking because she's done it a lot it's a lot of people maybe maybe maybe well maybe she got

on maybe she got unlucky maybe she just had the gift i don't fucking know well i hope whatever you got is pure use protection go to the doctor get treated use protection like don't be an idiot stop raw dogging out here okay new girl no new car sorry new car that was like a Freudian slip like get a new girlfriend get the fuck out of that thing oh man dude that's brutal makes you happy to be married all right new car dear billy blue book i'm in the market for a new car like yourself i want to get something used something with character but my girlfriend thinks i'm holding on to the past and i'm trying to be hip in my own way she wants me to get a passat what do you know how much of a creepy sellout

i'd have to be to drive a passat that is not a sexy car why would your girl want you to get a passat that's some lame i would want you to get a sexy man car not a fucking passat wait can you pull the image up of a passat but i also fucking drive an eight-year-old dented prius i know but you're i mean i'm a frugal son of a bitch yeah i think it's a little bit different why why is it different well you didn't tell me to get the fucking thing do you know what it is you know what it is out there there's so many fucking men and women out there that that will derail your fucking dreams oh wait i wonder if she wants him to get a car like a passat because i feel like that's a reasonable safe car because she's trying to get you to save up for a ring or an apartment

or something yeah look at that thing that is not oh my god that's as soulless as my boring ass car i've ever seen in my fucking life that's that is so boring get a prius at least it's like what is that a passat okay whatever um that's horrible and the fact that german's made that german's usually fucking crush it well then i'm sure it's very efficient leave that one alone um but other than that i'm not into it i think the bigger thing here is what happens to a lot of people when they get into a relationship is look there's definitely going to be some compromises but like when your heart's fucking racing and you want to fucking do something or the person you're with and you can see it like this is something they want this is something of a passion something's gonna make

them happy if you to try to fucking talk them out of it like why would you do that she wants a ring that's why and she's trying to get him not to spend i have to spend money on an older car that needs repairs and needs this and that and the other when he could be saving for a ring i gear and fucking see it that's what you're thinking i absolutely think well if he gets a used car isn't that cheaper than going out and getting a new passat uh what what is it i'm what do you want i want to get something used something with character things i'm holding on to the past and trying to be hip in my own way but does he mean what's wrong with having a little bit of style classic car he must be a classic yeah that means yes something like that yeah that's what it is

get a passat right she wants him to get a nice cost effective moderate you know she is we're gonna have a family and a house someday car that's what that's about read read in between the lines fellows read in between the lines i thought she was the dream catcher you know dream catcher dream catcher is like your dream this is my dream and then she catches it and she puts it in her pocket like a dream killer dream killer right but you got to catch it first it's like an ant you can't kill it much you just decide that things are what you want them to be that a dream catcher is really what a dream killer is but you have to catch it first before you kill it catch it before you kill it okay honey i live in my own little world over here all right magma magma okay dear bill

have you heard have you heard about the lonesome blues uh have you heard of magma i just saw them in la they definitely sound like some sort of fucking metal band here i've never heard of them but went with a friend of mine who works in post production the drummer is 68 and unreal all right i already love this band he plays a combination of jazz and progressive style beats tons of soul the music is interesting and operatic he invited his he invented his own language and it's really out there please look some up and give your reaction on the podcast well let me fucking do it really quickly we're running out of time here let's see here what do you think you think you're gonna like it magma i'm curious about it i'm surprised dude i went i went i saw this crazy

fucking band bobby lee's bobby lee's brothers in it and i went i saw this crazy fucking band like i don't i got to the show late i can't remember the name of the band but they were fucking oh yeah somebody tagged me in a picture you took with one of the band members i had the best time they had this one you have to look them up so you can give them a shout out okay i had the best fucking time all i remember was their fucking their closing song was was i think guitar was like really like thrash thrash thrash and the guy just was going like no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no that was it was just so ridiculous it was awesome and funny and i was just going that you should put that on an album cover and then have all the lyrics like written out like no no no no no no no

oh they're french oh they are magma the weirdest band in the world all right let's let's see what we got here all right i'm already in i kind of like it too i would go see that that reminds me of this kind of stuff you guys reminds me of i used to go see if you used to go see osnoi down in the village osnoi oz noi yeah he used to always have like will lee would be down there and keith carlock would sit in just had all these insane drummers um look at that drummers the shit oh my god oh my god yeah i love it they all look a little long in the tooth actually dude these guys are all beast that guy the bass player looks like the cop that walked up to the guy in the fucking scooter

yeah all right oh my god i love these guys i'm i'm in it's speeding up uh-oh what's gonna happen hang on i can't leave you here we go let me fast forward so you don't have to sit through all it dude i would just this is yeah this is when it starts getting weird it gets all fucking yeah i'm i'm in you know what i feel like if there was if we had our own version of the andy warhol's factory or something like that like a big loft space downtown where we just had a bunch of our artists friends and assorted weirdos we could have magma playing in the background and it just would make a lot of sense and weird yeah because you could drown out all those assholes that hang

around with people like that i'm not an andy warhol fan on on any level like his art or you don't like his like persona no i respect the originality of it but i also just feel like a lot of it was smoke and mirrors and it was very like that hipster sort of oh it's sort of the original the original of like that hipster shit like i'm gonna paint a soup can and like it's some sort of comment on capitalism and everything and it's just like all right but is it is it a really a deep comment on it because it's not moving me i don't know i mean i like andy warhol i like his stuff i feel like that was a very cool time to be in new york city during that time i feel like i would have loved to have been a part of that scene but um it just seemed to me like it was a bunch of nerds trying

to be cool pretending like a lot of hipsters to me i think there were a lot of misfits that found each other and they created like their own little world and they became cool because of that that's what i think all right because there's a bunch of like you know what transgendered people and just like yeah completely they're just automatically cool right they're just automatically cool can you just listen to what i'm saying like there's no asshole transgendered people can i explain to you what it was the bringing together of all these different kinds of people and that was different in new york city it was like a whole birth of interesting like outsider perspectives and giving them like a platform and like you're a freak and you're cool

yeah no i actually think so then like the the uh what is wrong why can't why if i have a different opinion you gotta fucking get upset no it's not that you have a different opinion is that you literally didn't even let me finish my thought before you just hopped on that whole thing and that just makes you sound i interrupt i interrupt it's what i do fine you're taking this way too seriously look do i have any sort of artistic style look at me look like i'm in a buffalo wild wings i'm gonna sit here and criticize fucking andy warhol the fuck am i oh yeah i took an elvis cover that somebody else already created and then i painted red and blue stripes across andy warhol could have very easily made that poster that's the kind of stuff that he made

actually there is a poster of him and uh john michelle basquiat that was kind of like some what might my tour poster yeah like the kind of like battle of them boxing and stuff like that poster could a hundred percent have been what andy warhol did if you were famous back in the day that's all i'm saying so you're saying he's not original i'm saying the person that did that perhaps is not what putting a head on something was he the first guy that he's the first guy with photoshop there's a whole style to that poster which is really cool by the way and like that's it reminds me a little bit of what warhol might have done that's all i'm saying all right well when you even went to a museum though like let's be honest about i don't like them i i really don't

like it look if it's if it's a bunch of it's old cars if it's paintings old cars if it's paintings of cars you know there's a big debate actually our community our automobiles works of art and and they and they took a ralph lorenz car collection and they stuck it in one of those fucking stuck up museums there moma whatever the fuck it is museum of natural history the the i don't think they put it in the museum the fucking there's ever on davul on the fifth avenue whatever the fuck it's called every other fucking broad i dated in new york that was always the first date like they oh let's go to a museum it's like will you stop back and look you're smart stop doing this just because you're dumb doesn't mean you're trying to be oh for

fuck's sakes let's just go out and get a drink and see if we can deal with each other i gotta go fucking sit there and stand next to you in silence reading shit about dinosaur bones yeah that sounds like a lot of fun i'll meet you there um no i i don't like them i don't like one of the worst museums i ever went to was when we went we were in vatican city and we should have gone to the right just to look at that overrated painting on the fucking ceiling we went to the i just want to can we just pause and i just they know what i'm talking about they know about the sistine chapel and so fucking overrated

realizing the art that was in the vatican like this art that's like hundreds upon hundreds of years i'll tell you what i know like this amazing if i bought that building historical fucking art if i bought that building the sistine chapel i would turn that into a cigar room and i would let that smoke go right up into that overrated dude they make it seem like it's fucking huge there's no way it took that long did bill you went in there and you looked at it for like five seconds and then you were like ready to get a fucking panini bullshit yeah i'm gonna take it i'm gonna get a fucking guy you know what he was he was like the original contractor they said hey can you paint my ceiling yeah yeah this would be easy i'll have this done in like three fucking weeks fucking four years later

yeah the fucking the green paints on backorder he's got 20 other ceilings he's fucking working on yeah you can't tell me when you went through the whole vatican thing and you watched every fucking vestiment that every goddamn pope wore like after a while you're like i get it they all wore these ponchos with a cross on it i was fascinated by it because i love religious art oh okay what about sexual assault what about it the fucking 800 pound gorilla why don't they have a little something about that in there um yeah because i kind of what yeah well that would have ruined the uh well it was an art the way they hit all those pedophiles all those years that's an art form to be moving all those chess pieces around while still collecting the money

and not paying taxes what does that have to do with the art that we're talking about seeing at the vatican well if i was to talk about a certain somebody's sitcom right now i think you would bring up some of his off-stage behavior are we talking about cosby no we're talking about fucking slappy white uh the the priests are the ones that were painting the fucking sistine chapel bill no i'm talking i'm not talking about that i'm talking about when we looked at every fucking fork and chalice that pope john paul the fucking 58th when you go into the sistine chapel which admittedly i thought was the 16th chapel did you really you don't remember that we were staying on line remember i said you know what i would do because this line is so

fucking long if i lived here i would open a bar across the street now i would call the 17th chapel and you're like why would you call it that i was like you know the 16th chapel the 17th chapel and you just looked at me and your eyes narrowed and you said bill it's the sistine chapel and i said oh and that's my story about rome all righty oh fuck all you guys all right 47 years old ladies and gentlemen see what yeah i'm not into that shit okay you know okay see that look at you you're an angel you can see through my stupidity you don't have to be into it i still love you it's you know it is

still a good guy it's still you know what but the reality is that there are certain things that are common knowledge i really should have known that i would think so but i bet a lot of people think it's the 16th chapel you know something i don't uh i don't like i don't get embarrassed by shit like that you really don't no if i think i would yeah yeah i thought it was the 16th i didn't the sistine and then everybody oh my god it's the sistine it's like did is anything in there from something that you created then shut up what are you oh that was the apollo 13 mission oh really are you a fucking astronaut yeah you're just sitting in this diner with me getting fucking eggs aren't you and then not the farmers market ones either all right is this why you don't like the

the museums do you feel like there's a pretension and people who like art and stuff like that it's too much fucking shit it's too much reading it's too much reading oh my god it just keeps going and going and going and then there's people whispering oh my god look at this over here that's what happened to me in this in the sistine chapel when we walked in there i was just like wow it's kind of small anyway shh oh i want to put that guy's head right through the fucking stained glass window we were we were in a church so it's like a holy place so you know you had to keep it well i would think they were on a certain level of noise to drown out the children's screams in the basement oh my god they deserve it fuck them pieces of shit um we can't we can't

end of that why isn't the dog coming in here i'm a little concerned oh please oh because she's uh oh poor thing she's right there right baby all right that's the podcast for this week i'll check it on you oh she was sleeping on thursday what's that oh she was sleeping okay cool all right she was just sleeping well thank you for uh hanging out on the podcast thanks for having me all right i'm glad you came by i don't think those stories of people falling off shit would have been as funny i had something to bounce it off of oh look who's here the old gray bear yeah our senior dog i know we just realized our dog's a senior now she's eight she's eight and a half years old starting to get a little bit of white in her face yeah that made me sad and it made me happy

you know she had a rough first year and a half and she's just been fucking chilling ever since haven't you cleo she looks great though and she's still adorable she's still our little baby no matter what well i think she had a pay rent at this point all right that's it i'll talk to you guys on thursday and once again seriously man thank you to everybody that came out this weekend uh for those scratching the shows um at riverside in the terrace theater and i want to thank dean delray for crushing it both nights and um that's it i got canada coming up later on this week i'm going to be in ontario um you know where ottawa and a bunch of places um i think winzer i have no idea they're all on my website um i'm bringing oh jesus oh jesus i better hit the fucking treadmill

because i'm bringing fucking the pride of new jersey paul versey and the godfather of the rose bowl tailgate joe bartonik himself he's uh he's going to be coming along too and um it's going to be a killer fucking show all right that's it i'll talk to you guys later