Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 3-28-19

Episode Date: March 28, 2019

Bill sits down with drummer and percussionist Stephen Perkins.

Do you choose a second hand car on Instinct or with your license? With the choice for a BMW with the BMW Premium Selection Certificate, let yourself be guided by both. Because its quality, it feels you, and that it is reliable, you know that. Above all, you now enjoy a 4-year warranty on your certified second hand car. BMW Premium Selection, trust your Instinct, follow your license. Alright, are we ready? Alright, hey what's going on it's Bill Byrne and it's time for Thursday afternoon, just

before Friday Monday morning podcast and I don't know, I've just been getting a bunch of guests lately. It's time for another special one and I got another legend. Another legend here. I got the one and only Stephen Perkins from Jane's Addiction. Hi Bill. Porno for Pirates. Infectious grooves.

Yeah. Greatest project, the Think Experience, which we will be getting into. First off, thank you so much for doing this. Thank you. I've been a huge fan. You've already been talking and what happens when you, right before you do a podcast, it's like, dude, just save that. Try and save that.

Yes, say nothing, just let the levy break when the mic is on. Yes, so we were talking about basically the influence of the internet and how good these kids are at playing now, but how it's like almost like they all grew up in the same town. Absolutely. Yeah. Because everyone could just kind of go on YouTube and if there's some sick kid in Minnesota, you didn't have to live there to see him. You just put it on and you watch it and then his influence goes into where you are and

then. It's so widespread so quickly and there was such a fine romantic feeling to find a drummer or a record and fall in love with it and learn how to play it. Everyone else knew what you were working on. You were home alone. It could have been a cold train. It could have been Van Halen. It could have been both at the same time and try to kind of fuse this hybrid of yourself

alone and the romance of a drumstick and the rhythm. How did you come about your style like blew my mind when I first heard you, I missed the first few James albums because I was neck deep and hair metal and all that. When Ritual came out, it's just like that was the first time I really heard somebody with that kind of music, just the sound of that and just all the snare displacement and all that. It just wasn't that approach of like, all right, two and four is the snare and then I'm going to do some syncopated shit and the bass does this and I'm going to follow it

with my foot and you just had, it was completely, it was like almost upside down. How did you arrive at that? I was, I think the great drummers have great musicians around them and that brings the competition in the jam room brings better performances out of each other. So I was ultra aware of technique and chops, but I knew that really wasn't my forte. I didn't want to be a fast lightning drummer and I didn't really find a place for that in the music I loved. My early love was jazz, Buddy Rich, Gene Krupa, Elvin Jones, but no one in Los Angeles played

trumpet saxophone, even piano. No one even played bass. Everyone played guitar. So then what are you going to do? You're going to bite into rock and roll, but that swung the word from the Sabbath, Bonham. And then I started to check out what the pocket of Motown men and how that influenced Ringo and Charlie and Ginger Baker and they were playing these Motown beats but surrounded by great songwriters.

And so this fusion, this hybrid of jazz swinging and the flash of rock and roll. And then I kind of hit a ceiling. I was bored. I didn't know what other record to buy, Genesis Rush, everybody bought everything. Then I found through the Beatles probably Indian tabla rhythms and that opened the door to African rhythms, which was Fela Kuti and Baba Tundi a la Tungi. Jesus. Okay, so you went deep.

I have no idea what that is. These records were just as important as the Abbey Road record. I tried to make that impression on myself, let those records become part of how important the rhythm can be, not just these great songs that you grew up with. Listen to new rhythms. And so those rhythms started to infuse my creative side. And then I joined the marching band in high school and everyone had chops and everyone was competitive.

One in first chair and everyone was showing what they had, the flash. So it could be bad for your playing creatively, but it's good for your endurance and your confidence. So how did you, were you mature enough when you went in there to see that this isn't what it's about, where it's like, I would compare that in, I've done a little bit of acting work and I'm very rarely, but a few times I've gotten into a scene with somebody and the silliest of sounds, they get in like, I'm going to out act you rather than, hey, we're doing this together.

Let's, you know, let's, let's work together. Yeah, they get in there like I'm going to out create you. It's a, there's a tennis match that's going on, but you can't always ace the guy because there's no match. You want to rally. Right. So you do want to once in a while just, you know, slam it in ping pong, but you can't slam it every time.

Let's play. Let's rally. Let's laugh. Let's communicate. I was growing up in Navarro at 15 on, it was my love affair with, you know, guitar and drums. I didn't know much about bass and the rhythm section yet, because no one played bass. So I always wanted to match the guitar.

I always heard that if you played bass, you could get into like 20 bands immediately. Yeah, we did. Exactly. Nobody wanted to, it was either drums or guitar or singing. You could not find one, you know. So, but I think when the band, Jane's actually kind of to become aware of our, what was important was the lyrics and the phrasing. And he's not going to sing like this hair metal thing where you sing it four times and

then you sing the next thing four times. It's not going to rhyme. It doesn't rhyme. He says something once and then we react. And then he says something three times and then he says, motherfucker, and then you punch it behind them. And then, you know, and then, so it's a poem with song. And then, you know, so I think we started to become ultra aware of how it's an emotional

performance. It's real estate. Where are you going to place yourself? And who are you going to get out of the way of? Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. You know, where are you going to, where are you going to put your plant? And almost like a monopoly game, you go over and over, then you buy a boardwalk and then you put a house on it, then you put a hotel on it.

You make your event more worthy. When you guys were like, when you guys were going in that direction, because he means so much of it is, you know, you want to make it. I mean, you don't want to be homeless, you know, and what you guys were doing was so different. Despite when I listened to, you know, you know, a lot of your influences were the stuff that those guys that I was listening to them, the metal years were listening to. When you start to make that departure of like, this does not sound like what they're, what,

you know, that big thing, what they're looking for, like, what are you looking for, man? What's the look? What was going on? Eighty-five, the strip was coming to an end, motley, rat, poison. It was already ending then. They all been signed and it was repetitive, redundant derivative of each other. Jane's addiction would go downtown and there was X and the Minutemen, the chili peppers and fishbone and they weren't successful as far as getting signed to a major.

They kind of hit a ceiling, the punk rock ceiling, flag was there, you know, fear. It was circle jerks. That was fucking fantastic, but they weren't going to get any bigger. I remember X got a song in the Charlie Sheen movie, the baseball movie, and I was like, oh yeah, yeah, yeah. The Indians. X got a song in the movie, doesn't make any sense, because punk rock hit a ceiling. So there was that moment where metal was done, punk rock, post-punk.

So in your world, metal was done in eighty-five. Yeah, it was already done. It was gone. In my world, it didn't end until ninety-three. Exactly. It was still important. As a player, as a creator, as trying to turn the key a little and change, I didn't want to be Tommy Lee anymore.

There was a moment. So what would you watch like say, you know, you were still a kid, so MTV was so huge to our generation and you know this scene is over. And right as you're saying it's over, MTV is just blowing it up to the next level to the point. And they would do like the top ten and it was like other than like Paula Abdul and Janet Jackson, Michael Jackson, like they could break in George Michael, those people. But the rest of it was all pretty much hair, metal videos, not not civil or pedestrian

but safe in our opinion and completely produced in just a machine. So what would you watch? Was there some was there a cool MTV out there that you were watching or we would go dig out at which I was, you know, Eric and Perry, which were almost 10 years older than me and Dave, they would help us realize the importance of joy division and Bauhaus and New Order and Echo and Susie. Do you know, I'm just discovering joy division now as it's like like almost 40 years later. That kind of simple storytelling because me and Navarro were about Van Halen, we wanted

to show off. I wanted to tell a story like those guys and cinematic set a scene and just tell the like the lyrics speak. And of course, me and Dave were still 18, we can play, watch this. And that's what the world needed, the metal. That's what LA needed and it went global, but it was the end of metal end of punk. You know, even the chilies and fishbone had records out and our very first tunes before a ritual, dare I say, influenced LA funk, idiots rule, pigs and zen, it was a chili

pep could have been with the chili peppers show or a fishbone show. And then we started to find our storytelling and our, and I think our best moment back then was then she did on ritual when the lyric, like I was saying, the lyric doesn't go four times and the music doesn't go three times behind it. It's just that second side of that album, I learned how to meditate. I swear to God, I used to put it on to lift off. Yeah. And I would put it, I would put it and I was really, it was like the first time in my life.

I was realizing that I was fucked up because I look like Ron Howard. My family looked like the Brady Bunch. We went to church every week and I thought, Hey, you know, I got this all fun. I was a fucking, you know, I went to work. I was a good worker and all that. And it wasn't until that way that's that weird thing. I was right around 21 22. And that's right when you're supposed to be done with college.

You're supposed to know what you want. You're on your way to your dream or whatever. Put everything else behind you and move on. Yeah. And I felt I was just sort of like floating like what the fuck? Like that whole part of my life is done. College just went by. I'm still a freshman, basically.

Now what? Yeah, what the fuck am I doing? And I don't know. That's my issues started coming up. So well, the ritual record, even though it was the end of the band was the this what you're hearing is us on tour and shaving all the parts and playing them live and becoming an emotional organism. And that's the documentation of what we sounded like.

And it was if we had a great manager, he would have said, take a year off. I see a future. Right. We had a good manager just like, you guys are to break up break up. You know, he wanted what was now we didn't give it to him. So we didn't have any guidance. But right. In fact, just came immediately.

I was in Hawaii. Those guys showed up at Robert and, you know, Robert Treheel and Mike Muir. They're going on tour with Ozzie in two weeks. I'm in a new band. So I didn't even think it was the wrong choice to break up. But I why with something so beautiful and colorful, just call quits. No, take a break and maybe, you know, like any hot relationship, maybe take a break and then maybe see if it's still worthy.

But we didn't have any. Yeah, a little space and then maybe have a date night and they still like each other. I mean, I'm so happy how the porn of a pyro's sound became something that was different and we were able to grow and we didn't have to be changed. And I love the second album. Yeah, that's that's the one. Was it Tahitian? Yeah, good God's Earth.

He should know. I love that album. That that making that record was using all the money. Warners gave us to travel, write songs, and then you just a little bit of money to record it. I remember being all excited to watch Larry Sanders because you guys were on and you put where you going? Yeah, we had it all set up to do pets and then we got up there like that's going to be a boy.

Let's do me hot. That was a little more, you know, a little charge. Yeah, but the the band itself was was based on what I was saying earlier that that rhythm and phrasing of Perry and I wanted to bring. We didn't want to try to get a guitar soloist like we had in James. Greatest. So Peter was more of a songwriter on acoustic guitar, 12 string. And we wrote songs and with bongos around of campfire.

Yeah, I want to say you had like you had like bongo set up where you would normally have like rack toms because we wrote the tunes campfire style with bongos and acoustic guitar. So we went in the studio, those sounds and frequencies needed to be there. So I started to incorporate this hand drumming writing style into the drum kit and make a hybrid drum set. So I'm not going to rely on beats. So when you recorded that, did you play with sticks or were you playing with your hands on hot rods and sticks?

Good question. You know, the hot rods are the kind of splintered drumstick that Oh, is that what those things that they're quieter? Right. Yeah. Oh, yeah. And it kind of, you know, you can get into it still, but you don't have to quite the attack and the articulation a little bit of my spread.

But I the approach is the bass player, Martin was from Holland and he grew up with music. I couldn't reference any Sabbath tune or any Zeppelin tune, you know, he grew up in Holly couldn't. So that made it quite interesting, you know, as far as a rhythm section. We had nothing to kind of fall back on. So it was all very fresh. That's also interesting that someone could live in a part of the world that they hadn't heard of.

Exactly. That's kind of sorted. It didn't. Everybody's like hard drive. It wasn't important like in America or Britain or the rest of the world, I guess. Yeah. That's interesting. The thing you're doing right now is think experience.

That's right. And this is like, this is, this really sounds cool. So this is an LA, of course, all the cool shit seems to happen here, especially when I'm on the road. Yeah. We're doing it one night. One miss it. Yes.

When you're in West Virginia, it's Wisdom Art Park. Yeah. This is a great experience. What we're doing is the saxophonist from Pink Floyd and Super Tramp and Toto, Scott Page. Me and him have hooked up many years ago and we've always thought wouldn't it be great to do Pink Floyd music in our own way? Norwood from Fishbowl and the bass player, Kenny Olson, the guitar player from Kid Rock.

We all were kind of hanging out in this Pink Floyd state of mind. The art dome, Wisdom, opened up downtown and they were looking to fill the days. Sometimes they've got a spin class. Sometimes they've got a sound bath, but it's always with these cool visuals. So we brought the band in there and then you basically can have either a folding seat, a bean bag, or a futon bed. And the visuals above you, it feels like you're a VR situation without the mask. So even the band members experiencing what the audience is.

Oh, so you're laying down, so you're looking up at the dome, so it's like wrap around. Exactly. Dude, I'm so fucking going to this. It's massive. I'm so going to this. Okay, there's a couple shows coming up. There are other domes there that you can trip out on before the show. And then the big dome holds about 500 people.

And we play about an hour and a half of all Floyd music with about 11 musicians that come and go with different singers. You can look at the band, but why? Everyone's tripping and oohing and awing at the events. So are you looking up? I'm freaking out looking up. And I've always wanted, even back in the day, what it was like not to be the cast member but the audience member during my gig, especially Janes and Porno, and shit was going on.

What's it like in there? I really am. I'm just we're seeing all the same thing. Don't you find that once you've been like, it took me a while, but I'm about 27 years in now. Okay. I'm seasoned at this point. And one of my favorite things to do is to actually walk into someplace big or small where

there's going to be the show and there's nothing on like, I don't have to go to work. I feel like it's a day off from school. And I get to sit there and watch comedy or watch a band, watch a game, anything. Oh, I love it. Yeah. I love it. I mean, that is my fuel, my fodder to play more. I love a big show, even though sometimes musically, you're disconnected and the Varls

way over there and this, you know, Perry's hanging on a rope. There's no visual moment. But it's also some guy bungee jumping in a Ferris wheel and you're playing Mountain Song. Like, this is, what are they thinking? I love that. So I kind of get that experience. I get to be an audience member.

What is that like when you're on your way up and it's like the first places you're playing, it's almost the guys in your band are almost hitting your cymbals and stuff. And then all of a sudden it's just like, oh, hey, we finally in a place where there's a little bit of room. Yeah. I don't have to play like this. I can actually have my kit, you know, it's true. Well, what we try to think that when that gets big, we tell the text, please set us

up close as much as possible, even though we need to be spread for the people way out there. Because once you start losing that intimate connection with the band, the music does change. It's kind of like being on a phone call in a room that's quiet. You're going to know everybody, every word you're thinking, but if the room is loud and noisy, you're going to be like, oh, hey, do you know what? Yeah.

Oh, hey, man, come on in. You know, that's kind of how the big shows are. You're like, I'm with the guitar player, then notice something else is going on. Right. And as you concern, like, you know, because you always see her all like the, you know, you've got four people, four different personalities. Absolutely. And at one point you're just playing and you're like, there's my best friend way the fuck

over there standing in front of a fucking fan. He hasn't looked at me the whole show. What are we doing? Yeah. Who are we? What is this? What is this? Where's the band?

Yeah. And somebody like crowd surfing. Yeah. And which is that's the weirdest thing about music. It was then becomes the height. And but then there's that, that, that disconnect. Yeah. And when I think about you two and the chilies and Metallica, there's this connection they

have with each other that is it, it seems to be very well threaded and tight, you know, and they even, they even stand close to each other on stage or they go satellite stage small, it's a little stage off the big one, right to show that unit and to feel that unit. Yeah. Cause I almost would feel like you guys would have to, you know, when you get as big as like that with a band that you would almost have to schedule together time so you don't lose what got you there. Well, one thing's great about always with James, we have a backstage jam room and that

is a smaller instrument, it's a small amp, a small kit, little PA. And we go back there and play our favorites plus the tunes, maybe to warm up, maybe tunes that'll be on stage that night, possibly not. Maybe a friend will come and sing with us. Those moments are the moments. Remember in 1986, we wrote the tunes on Santa Monica and Vine. Now those early days, we shared a rehearsal place, Bullet Boys, Fishbone, G&R and James. And after you rehearse, you put your gear in the corner and then you bring it back the

next day. And I remember, you know, the Bullet Boys got a record deal, all of a sudden they had new gear. Oh, shit. Yeah. And then G&R got big, their shit moved out, they got their own room, you know, but you can see progress, you know, and it's possible. No, but then that panic thing, like as a comic, you start looking, well, that guy, he started

two weeks after I did. He's moving fast. And then he's up there, like, I must be doing something wrong. So you were actually sharing this space with people who were playing the music that people were saying, this is it, and you still had that thing. Did the other guys like G&R or Bullet Boys, were they listening to what you were doing? I'm tied with Jimmy Deanna, the drummer from the Boys, the Bullet Boys, and he said he was recognizing what was happening.

He was not only feeling the sound was becoming redundant, that it was happening, what's next, but also the precision and the technical plane was being lost in that type of metal music. And so we were trying to bring back our love of Rush, you know, Genesis, yes, you know, it was like, whoa, listen to what these cats are playing, even though there's a story we need to tell, we're from Hollywood and something's going to reflect the mirror, the lyrics of the mirror. You know, I was saying to a buddy mine the other night, like, you know, everybody like ragging on discos, like a big thing, everybody's like, Deanna's like the worst fucking music

ever. I will say the heavy metal ballad are some of the worst songs. There's a few good ones. Scorpion, it's just they fucked everybody. I mean, Scorpion did one big one, Lady Something or about the Berlin Wall, I can't recall. I can remember it was Home Sweet Home, which that's not one of the worst ones, but there are some out there, the bands that became derivative, derivative, derivative of a Motley Crew.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then they... That was, they had to do that. Now, I remember Keith Moon, they said, Keith, when did you stop destroying the drums? Yeah, we, it's somehow stopped, you didn't notice, but they stopped, you know, and he when it was in the set list, the song number seven, you know, destroy the drums, you had to do it. Like, we're done.

Yeah, this is bullshit. Act like you're upset at your drum kit here. I brought this for you. Oh my God. It's a 24 inch bass drum head with nothing shocking artwork. All right, we gotta take a picture of this together afterwards so everybody can see it. You know, you would love it especially because you love art, music, and you play drums. There it is.

That thing's been on the drum head, on the drums on tour, but we never poke a hole in it. We've got the mic mounted on the inside. Dude, I can't take this. You actually... No, you can't. It's a gift. It's a gift to you because you love music.

This is going up in my drum room, dude. I can't believe this. You got it, man. What you do for music and art. And I was a... I don't know if you've seen my act lately. I don't know if I'm doing all of that. That's true.

That's a good point. That was a good thing. I inspire you to go in a different direction. My act is basically like a heavy metal ballad and I'm sending it. There it is. I'm inspiring other comics to go into a different direction. Well, my advice to anybody trying to be a drummer or a musician, of course it's technique, but don't look for that pat on the back because that's a bore.

You want to piss people off. My actual goal as a drummer is to think of my three favorite artists, they're the big ones. Savara Dalí because he can paint like Rembrandt, but he doesn't. He puts a fucking rooster coming out of the head. It looks real. You look closely. It's broken.

Right. And then there's MC Escher with the black duck and the white duck and the rhythms that just continue, the patterns. That's a drumming pattern in art. So this is way beyond me. And then there's Pollock. He spent his whole life like all of us trying to become, he's used as a brush and I wanted to be behind him.

And then he threw the paint and that's what I thought, what do I do when they give me a rock riff? I'm going to do Babatunji alatunji. Do you know what I mean? No, I don't. This is beyond me, dude. I hate when I go to museums. They make me feel dumb.

It hurts. No, I go there and I'm just like, I don't get what everybody's doing, but my wife is gradually trying to get me to be a little more... The rhythm is so visual and of course, even our bodies, whatever your digestive rhythm is or your sleep rhythm, whatever it is, we all have a rhythm that makes us feel right. But what are you thinking when you're playing? Because you always have the biggest smile and it's like, even if I didn't play drums, I'd be watching you.

Look at that. That guy's having the time of his life. That is the... I can't do wrong, of course, I can drop the stick or pull off something. The ego can strike you if you think too much. You got it. But I can't do wrong as far as... I remember seeing Gene Krupa play drums in a movie and they showed a guy, a conservative

couple, he was tapping his hand and the wife's like, uh-uh, but they went to her foot. She was tapping her foot. That's what drums make me feel like I cannot lose. I want to make people feel good and life fucking sucks. Everything sucks out of the world, the news, the shit. What is good is like my kid, my wife and the drums and there's something fun. I remember my friends came by and I bought a cowbell and I learned how to play beautiful girl or dance the night away and healing.

And my friends are like, holy Jesus. I was like, you know, this is exciting. It's hitting a home run for my friends or strangers. But it is. I got a compliment here as far as the fact that your whole career, you've always been going towards the art thing and then somehow it pays off, which is very rare because usually when you go that route. It's painful.

Yes. Yes. It really is. You're on the futon train is usually where you're at, but you've always, and then you arrived with Janes and then you still were able to go back to be like, no, this feels good. Let's put the bongos in here. Let's do that, which was what nobody was doing that.

And what I've experienced this in my career where I've gotten something and then I think of my next move and my next move is thinking, well, I'm here. I got to try to stay here or go to that next thing and it's like a, you know, a two week or a two month hangover. Absolutely. Of the rush of that thing. And you got to be like, well, now, wait a minute, why did I, what was the reason I got into this business?

What did I want to do? So then it always goes back to going down to the clubs, trying out a new bit, making another comic laugh and come up, come to you going, dude, there's something there and then driving home, you know, did a guest spot, made no fucking money, driving home excited going. And then you're thinking and you're talking to yourself and people looking at your red lights and you don't give a fuck, all night, I'm going to go down. That's the organic fuel that I still get.

I love those drum events and competitions, even though the gospel chops have invaded, but you see everybody must have rehearsed for the last two months, you even see the pros that have a 40 minute performance. So you can tell if you, I mean, I would think, because those kids, that's such a huge shot, the guitar center thing. Yeah, yeah, they kind of put it to sleep now, but you're right, it was big. It helped. No, I mean, I still follow those like a couple, two or three drummers that I became huge fans

of them watching their bands and stuff. But it's good for the scene, it's good for drummers. Those competitions, it makes pros and amateurs tune up, practice more, practice more. That's it. I mean, I try to ask, if I remember when I get with somebody of your talent level, so the big thing you're always chasing, no matter what you're doing, is kind of getting into a zone where it's like you're not even thinking and it's just flowing through you. Do you have a way of like, if you're feeling like I'm in my head and I'm thinking about

and now I'm hitting the bass drum and I'm like, do you have any mental exercise that you do to, hey, Steve, get out of your fucking head, you're in New Jersey right now, look at that person over there, take him in, like, do you have any tricks to get you out of the worst artistic space, which is sitting between your fucking ears, thinking, what are you doing? There is so many ways, as a drummer, I can sit and practice and I'm alone a lot and there's a lot of alone time and a lot of my musician friends have a different schedule and a lot of my non-musician friends have a job.

What am I going to do with my day? I don't want to be faster, I just want to be more alert and be able to pull things off that I'm thinking with the technique. But there is the time I'm sitting at the drum kit and I'm like, this is 100% me, this is so boring. Right. I'm like 180, exactly what you wouldn't play, go against your instinct and force it over and over and see what happens.

So I have to force myself to get away from the endurance and the technique and the speed and the flow. What's going to zap me creatively? How the heck am I going to wake up creatively and come up with something new? Is it putting a bongo in front of me? That would help, but that's not going to do it. I've got to hit the thing. How do you do this on tour?

You're on tour, you have 40 fucking dates in, you want to go home, you miss your wife and kid and lights go down, crowds going crazy and you're thinking like, Jesus, I would love to go back and take a fucking nap. What do you do then? I'm a complete believer in waking up and exploring cities, towns, people, the best sandwich shop, the best record shop, the fountain where the punks hang out and then bring that to the gig, even feed it to the singer, hey, they got a fountain down on third. I was at the fountain on third and the place goes nuts.

That's a turn on for everybody. I love that. And I put that into my playing and I tried to, OK, why am I here? I only play for 75 minutes. This is a whole day away from home or whatever, you know, I'm missing. And so I do try to fuel it with the I'm fucking lucky I'm out of town. I'm I got a gig tonight. Let's go enjoy my as a drummer of the recognition.

You don't get much of it. You walk around town. I don't have anybody bother me. I don't know if that would be an issue, right? I can imagine if you don't want to be recognized and you want that world to get out there. It could be a bomber, right? Fucking really famous, you know, I always wish I always wish they had that thing from Star Trek to be at home with your wife and kid and kiss them.

All right, I'm going to work. And then they just you just they beam beam you to Toronto or something. I mean, how many times I want to clone to send them off to do the gig. Yeah. And that's why I like it. But that's that's always a scary thought, because then I sit there going, who the fuck am I to be not, you know, enjoying this right now? But then it's like, oh, that well, that's what makes human beings move forward.

Is you get bored. Exactly. We cannot just be there and just go, this is perfect. I'm going to do it over and over. You know what I do is I just I go out and. I try and just walk out and not say anything from my act. This is how I get myself out of my head. And then if that's not happening, even when I go into my joke, what I start to do is I just try to tag it with different lines and blah,

blah, blah, you know, be like the music, music equipment, be improving on whatever like musical phrase it is. And let's blow that out. It usually takes 90 seconds. Now it's going to take two minutes and 10 seconds. But it's just the fact in those last 40 seconds that it's something that I hadn't said before, even if it sucks, even if I'm eating shit. It's just like, oh, I'm bombing in Columbus, Ohio.

This is where I am right now. These people don't feel like they're getting their money's worth. And then that gets the adrenaline going. So I learned over the years because I used to not know how to get out of that. And I would spend weeks or possibly like months. And then you get into like writer's block. And I had to like figure out like how my brain worked like it works in a very straight line where like how to produce yourself.

Well, if I like if I thought about a show, I said three things that I liked. And if I said one that I said early in the show and then one in the middle and one in the end, if the first one I thought about was in the middle, that's where the tape starts and everything before it gets erased. Gotcha. So I'm just like, all right, I don't know what the fuck that is. But that's how my brain works. So I have to I've kind of learned like I don't tape shows.

And when I say something and I'm trying to remember, I can't. I just I let it go. And Michael, that's that's how it was said. I learned that from watching you guys. What was just like, hey, that's how the song came out that night. That's the fill I played. That's the thing the guy sang. You don't have everything isn't so fucking precious.

It's not precious. And there's also a sense of humor to it. And that's what me and Navarro and Perry playing the Jainsong so many times with different bass players. We have the Duff McKagan and we had Eric, Chris and Flea. And we kind of play with the arrangement. Perry might just not sing the verse and dance around and play. It's playful.

And you have to know it's just, you know, this is not so serious, man. It's a song. But if you're in the moment, that makes it fun. And I'll do something to like make my tech laugh for Navarro or we'll do something backstage prior to the show of Anne Hale and Riff. And then Dave will pull it out during the gig and look at me. That's fucking so cool. That's kind of that's so cool.

It's a powerful force that they'll people are enjoying it. At the same time, there's an inner inside show within the show. Yeah, that is so fucking cool. Hey, what are the dates of this? This the first weekend of April and the last weekend of April at the Wisdom Art Park. All right. So the first two weekends in a because I'm going to I'm actually going to buy tickets before I first weekend and last weekend or first Friday and Saturday.

All right. So I have to go the first weekend because I'm out of town the last weekend because and I'm going to fucking get these tickets before this thing hits because I want to go see that I want to be fucking laying in my back. Listen, yeah, it's a next level experience. And I'm going with the beanbag too. Can I request that? Yeah, I'll make sure you have the bag.

I had my nine year old come and he had brought like three or four friends and they were the other rooms got a VR mask and one room is made of mirrors and light and they were just exploring everything. Right. And that's so cool because now my music means more than just he's a drummer. They can realize and his friends that it's an experience. I'm just a slice of it, but I want them to share this new technology because it's there and, you know, we can't ignore it.

And it's the A.I. is here, but I want to use it as entertainment. But of course, there's other ways. Does your kid think it's cool that you play drums? He loves it, man. That's awesome. You know, usually to get to that teenage years. Oh, my God, dad, he's not being a rock star. He's got he's nice.

He's got time. Oh, that's so cool. Well, I don't know. What else did I want to talk about here? Oh, you got your what do I got down here? Oh, I wanted to talk to you about the when you just start playing barefoot. This is why I'm going deep. I know like people who aren't like drummers are listening like what they got

home from school, 12, 13 shoes and socks off that and then play drums till about five or six. So I think that's just the natural taking the shoes and socks off at home. Now I play heels up and I play with the balls of my foot and my toes and I move up and down the pedal. So there's no comfort zone with the shoe on. Right. I get cramped. And my toe is going like a, you know, a snail in there.

It's like it's not working. Right. But there is something to say about the feeling of an extra weight of a shoe. And I definitely get a different sound when I have a shoe on. Maybe there's a little more beef behind it. I was going to ask you if like you're at a club. Oh, Steven say, hey, come in and sit in. You don't say, hang on a second, Mr.

Rogers and take off your shoes and socks. Yeah, it's awful. No, don't use what they got. But when I get comfortable behind my kit, I'd prefer to be in a pair of shorts, nothing else and play. Do you still have the kit that you played on Ritual? Do you still have the kids? What kind of drum kit was that?

That was my 1980 or 79 Ludwig. That was a Ludwig and then on Ritual. Well, that would be during Ritual. We used some of my brand new DW kit as well, which was just weeks old. But there was a tour that we just finished using the same drums over and over. So you have that feeling. This is funny. When James Addiction got our first 10 K, we go, let's go buy a new gear.

Navarro played Marshall's. He went and got Mesa Boogie. Bass player played Ampeg. He got Trace Elliott. I had cracked zillions. I went and got Piste. We went to rehearsal, sounded horrible. Where was our sound?

They just we just bought a bunch of new gear, just put it in the corner. It was a waste of money. We got our old shit back. Oh, no, because that was how we sounded. We needed. Yeah. We need to go buy, gather. Isn't that funny? We didn't need you shit.

Yeah. You were sitting there like longing for this other stuff and you already had it. We had what we needed, man. And I remember just putting all the shit in the corner. He's like, oh, well, there was 10 K, you know. What is you also did a project with one of the players from The Strokes, right? That's right. Nikolai, the bass player and I have a bass.

We have a band called the Summer Moon and we just did a maybe about 1530 shows opening for Danny Harrison and such a cool community of young, thoughtful musicians, creative people that are hungry to change and try new ideas on stage, backstage in this in the studio. Is that a is that a new project that you were working with? Like the album's coming out. Summer Moon, we did an EP about about a year ago and there's another EP coming right now. Yeah, because that band, The Strokes was a band that I was like, I was like

officially like old because I was freaking out and I was just like, I don't know who anybody is. They're kids. What is that? And I was looking at him going like, oh my God, I'm like almost like 15, 12, 15 years older than them. And but that's another thing. Like I have to go back all the music that I missed when I was growing up. I had to go back and start listening to that.

And then there was the shit that I missed in the 90s, especially hip hop and all that stuff that I missed. And then now I'm kind of getting into the 2000s. And it's just like just some of my 20 years too late for those guys. So I don't know. There's so much shit. There's so much shit to try and listen to. But you know what?

I loved at the end of the 80s, early 90s was the sound of the drummer. He had something to say. He had Primus and Soundgarden and Tool and early Pearl Jam. And every drummer had something different than the other. And I think the metal days, you're talking about every drummer wanted to be Tee Lee and they, you know, they just, it wasn't happening. But it was a chance now to be yourself and things change again. It comes in waves, you know, that creative flow from the rhythm section.

Have you seen the Motley Crue movie yet? Oh, man, I can't wait. Oh, it's so good. It's so like it's so like it's just it's perfect Motley Crue. It's just awesome, ridiculous, just total. And true, true. Yeah, because somebody from the L.A. Times gave one of them shit going like, you know, because they showed

like all the groupies that they were banging on everything and they were just like just total. Is the timing right? Yeah, I think it was Tommy was just like, well, I mean, it happened, I mean, do you want us to like rewrite history? What are we doing here? And it's a story, we're telling the story. Yeah, it was a really, yeah, it was my classic Motley Crue and it was dark.

But in the end, overall, it was like fun. Yeah, it was just and you walked out like, dude, what the fuck was that? Like classic Motley show. I just I can't say enough good things about I always fuck up that expression. It's just fucking awesome. I loved it. I loved it. Well, I got to play with Tommy. We had methods in Mayhem, double drummer and we sat right next to each other

and I took the floor Tom out and that's where his hi-hat was. That's how close. Oh, wow. And then he sang and played guitar while I drummed and then he joined me. And let me tell you, I mean, the rehearsals were the highlights because you had two hours of me and him, the band for hours. And then they would split. He's like, Perkins, me and you going all night.

It's T lead, double drummer. Yeah, it was just I was just listening. He is badass. He is. And I was just listening to that album that the one was just called Motley Crew, where they had that that other singer. That's right. Yeah. Dude, that album is so fucking underrated. There's like, first of all, they put out an hour.

You can see what they were doing. It's like, we got a new singer. We got to go hard. It's I think it's Tommy's best drumming and mix fire, mixed best fucking riffs. And that singer was just it was it was it was was incredible. And I was listening. I put it on. I was at the gym. It's like an hour long. It was kind of perfect.

And I was like, well, I slept on this album. I knew Hooligan's holiday. And I was just being a stupid 80s kid like, there's no Vince Neil. I'm not going to give this a fucking chance like that. Yeah, but it's it's for any Motley fans out there. Don't sleep on that album. Obviously, all the other ones everybody knows about. So all right.

Well, dude, I can't I don't know, man. I can't believe I'm sitting here talking to you. And this this I'm going to cherish the joy of the head. Oh, my God, this thing is look at that thing. I'm going to I'm going to. Yeah, that's going right on the right on the wall. My my my little drum area just became ten times cooler. And thank you so much for all the fucking great music.

Thanks, Bill. And being a real artist and always going for something different because I love everything you do. And I'm going to see you the first weekend in April. All right, Steven Perkins, everybody. Check him out. Think Floyd at the Wisdom Art Park here in L.A. And and that's it, man.

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It's Bill Burr, and it's the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday. The fuck is it? March 28th, 2011. Oh my god. How is March already over? In like a lamb, out like a lion. Did the fucking goat see its shadow?

That's one of the great things about living in a desert. You don't have to listen to that dumb shit when it comes to February and March. When you live in the desert area, I don't have to deal with that shit. What do you think's going to happen? It's been so mild in the beginning of March. Does that mean it's going to get

temp-temptuous towards the end? I don't know there, Sharon. I don't know what's going to fucking happen. All I know is that it's going to be 70 degrees out every day for the rest of my life, provided I stay out here. Speaking of the desert, I actually visited a friend of mine out in the desert. A buddy of mine just had a baby girl.

Well, he didn't have it. His wife had it. Dush. Sorry, it's an old joke. Sorry, I'm getting settled in here. I'm getting settled in. Let me get settled into the podcast before you start rolling your fucking eyes at me

and your goddamn cubicle. All right, little miss. Ooh, I'm going to get an office someday. Is that what you think that cubicle represents? Look it, they already gave me half the walls and no ceiling. I mean, where else can you go from here? Someday I'll have a door. I got news for you.

All right, if you're in a cubicle right now, why don't you fucking grow a dick? That includes the ladies. Get some fucking balls, all right? Take out a quarter. And why don't you stick it in those plastic bolts that are holding the walls of your cubicle up, all right? I'm not saying take your fucking cubicle down.

Why don't you just loosen them up? Add a little chaos to the day. So next time your boss comes over, like that douche in that movie, office going, yeah, I'm going to need you to, yeah, when he leans on that fucker, maybe he'll fall backwards and smack his head off that all-weather carpet. That has a very thin layer of padding and then it's concrete.

Then you can act like you're concerned. I don't know what happened. And as people sit there freaking out because the guy's eating his tongue at that point in the middle of a fucking seizure, you just subtly retighten the bolts. So then it looks like, hey, maybe there's no evidence of why this guy just fell over.

Maybe he has health problems, at which point, his health insurance, they're going to fucking drop him. He'll then be seen as unstable by the company. And guess what? His fucking office is going to open up, all right? That's how you get a fucking office nowadays in corporate America, OK? You think you're going to sit there with your nose

to the fucking spreadsheets, you know, doing all that actuary horseshit, trying to figure out how long the average person's prostate. I don't fuck. What the fuck you guys do out there? If you live in Nebraska and you're 400 feet from a fucking court field, you have an average lifespan of 67.8 years.

Nobody cares. It actually amazed me about that shit. That's somebody's passion. Like just sitting like the way I love comedy, you know, the way a serial killer loves murder. There's somebody out there sitting in a cubicle just looking at figures. And just seriously, it has a song in their heart,

you know, a little bit of Christmas in their eyes as they try to figure out how long the average person in Japan is going to live now that there's radio activity in the ocean. You know, they want to get there first to predict the death day of somebody over there. I got to admit, too, that shit that's going on over there in Japan, I told you about that last week, but that's just fucking freaking me out.

There's poor people over there, you know? And I'm telling you, I, considering I don't go to the Catholic Church anymore, I am going to start going to the church of fucking Ted Nugent. I'm not going to start referring to myself as Uncle Bill and feel like as though I'm rebelling against something. But I definitely, I definitely think I need to secure my perimeter.

Do you know my girl won't let me get a fucking water bubbler? Water bubbler? Not one of the water cooler, she just won't let me do it. She's such a fucking broad. I'm sitting there, we're watching the disaster unfolding over there in Japan. Go and look at these poor people, they live on a fault line just like us.

Look at the panic and fucking confusion. When you take the average person who doesn't know how to live outside and you force them to live outside, they're walking around, you know, without a laptop and a cell phone, probably for the first time, I'd say in 15 years, but that's more American. We're talking Japan here, probably for the first time

in 30 years over there, you know, with their fucking advancements. And it's just like I'm looking at them like, okay, never the first thing you fucking want. Yeah, you want some water. I mean, you can go 30 days without food, right? But water, you can only go three days. So here I am going, you know, we got a couple of fucking,

you know, gallon jugs of Arrowhead. And that's not an advertisement. There's no advertisement on this podcast yet, okay? But I am subtly throwing it out there to Arrowhead. I'm gonna just start mentioning products on my podcast. You know, I'm sitting here in my kraftmatic adjustable bed. Ha ha ha ha ha. Dude, he's totally whoring himself out.

The fucking podcast sucks now. Oh, fucking put your, you put your fucking head down on your plastic desk right now, all right? Right there fucking staples, shut your face. Anyways, so we got a, we got like two gallons of fucking water in our refrigerator and that's it. Okay, those coolers, man, you got five gallon jugs. So you get two of those, you always have about,

you know, roughly at least five gallons of water anywhere all the way up to like seven to nine. Who the fuck knows, right? Or maybe you get lucky the earthquake hits when you got two full ones. And then when everybody around you is dying a fucking thirst and you're sitting in there, just sipping your water, you know?

Sipping your water, running your hands through your gold coins with your fucking nine millimeter between your fucking legs. You're gonna, you're gonna feel okay. See, that's how Americans look at a disaster. It's not let's all get together and try to fight through this. I told you last week, it's Gangs of New York over here. All right, English people,

before you get on your fucking high horse, if there was a fucking giant earthquake that affected all of Europe, you're gonna help the French people out. You're gonna help out the crowds, huh? All those guys there with their wooden shoes over there in Holland, fucking tap dancing along with a fucking cow or some shit,

whatever they do over there, smoking weed. You're not gonna help out, you're not, all right? So shut your faces, anyways. So this is what I'm talking about. I'm talking about preparing yourself for a fucking disaster. All right, and what is my girl concerned about? I just don't know where we're gonna put it. It's just, you need to measure it first.

We can't put it over there, the doggie dish is there. The doggie dish is gonna float out the fucking windows, you know? No, wait, we're up on the second floor and in the hill. We're on in the hill, on a hill, right? We're gonna be fine. I'm further enough away from the fucking ocean. I'll tell you, if a tsunami hits me with a fuck I'm at,

I don't wanna live. You know what I mean? Kevin Costner, the real Kevin Costner, not even him playing his character in Waterworld, the real Kevin Costner will probably float out of the Hollywood Hills right past me. That's when I take out my nine millimeter and I fucking aim it right at his receding hairline.

You know, I should fucking talk, right? And I just fucking blow his brains out and I take his little raft. You know, there's gonna be some half dress hot little whore on the raft too, right? Can't have a fucking disaster movie unless there's a scantily clad whore in the middle of it. So anyways, yeah, that's what the fuck she's all about.

That's what the fuck she's all about. She doesn't know where we're gonna put it and I'm sitting there going, well, you know, I could break down some of the shit in my office and she's just like, water, bubbler, water cooler in an office that just, you know, I was watching that fat cunt

who went to jail for the stock shit the other day. I can never remember her name. And what is it, Mandy? She's got that goddamn bowl cut. I know this one. I'm gonna scream it. I'm gonna tell you right now, later on the podcast when I'm not thinking about it,

I'm gonna remember it. I can't fucking, I keep thinking Rhonda Scheer. I know it's not that. What is it, what was the name of the chick who fucking shows you how to make a pie but for some reason doesn't do it? She goes, this is how you make the perfect pumpkin pie and then she calls in some immigrant to do it for her

on a cooking show. Oh, I keep having it. Why do I keep thinking Madeleine? She's that fucking chick from Connecticut. Self-made woman, I respect her. You know, I feel bad for her. She was the Oswald of Wall Street. She was the Patsy.

She's the one who went down. They didn't get any of the bankers. They just got her, right? I think she gets her pubes highlighted. Do you think she has that kind of money? Martha Stewart, bam, I got it. You know you be having some money when you get your pubes tied, baby.

Y'all ready next for this next motherfucker coming to the stage? This motherfucker representing DC. Sorry, had to flash back to some old shows. Anyways, hey, speaking of survival. Okay, I drive a Prius. Hi. You know what I love about the Prius

is it's not the gayest car on the road anymore because Nissan has come out with an all-electric car called the Leaf. Okay, I challenge you to come up with a gayer name for a car. All right, and I'm not attacking the fucking homosexuals over there. All right, as far as I can tell, there's a lot of gay guys that could kick the living shit

out of me and have their way with me. So the last thing I wanna do is make someone mad at me who oddly may wanna fuck me. I'm just saying it's gay as in it's fucking lane, okay? And all you fucking gay people can go fuck yourselves. All right, that's what words do. They morph into other shit. Gay used to mean really happy, the gay 90s.

The 1890s were known as the gay 90s. That didn't mean there was a bunch of guys out there blowing each other, right? Just meant everybody was happy. They were happy and gay. Isn't it gay in that old Anzine song? The New Year's song? May all equated be forgotten, never bothered, okay?

And let's all be gay, right? Something like that. One of those fucking songs. Is it in the birthday song? The word gay isn't something. I don't know what it is. It's a song that I hear like once a year and I'm like, yeah, that's funny.

That gay used to mean happy. Now it means you want to dive on your girlfriend's muff whilst you have a muff yourself. You know, isn't that kind of just greedy? You know, it's sort of the biggest loser of sexuality to be gay. You know, I have a dick. Oh, one's not enough.

You're selfish, cunt. You gotta go have another one. Jesus Christ, these fucking gluttonous gay people. See, this is why I do the podcast. I tried to do a fucking podcast last night and it sucked. I need a good night's sleep before I do a podcast because I was driving out from the desert

because my buddy had a, you know, his wife had a baby. Beautiful, beautiful fucking baby girl. Isn't it such a relief when you show up and the baby's gorgeous? Isn't it such a fucking relief? You know, because some of them, when they come out, obviously, they're like a little bit early

or they're a little weird looking. Their fucking head hasn't fused together yet, right? And they look like, they look like an octopus, some of them. If you chopped off four of its arms. Actually six of its arms and then you put two legs in place of the two arms. Right, Bill, we get it. We can do basic math.

Yeah, you know what, it's got those little octopus heads. And you gotta sit there, hey, wow, look at that. Yeah, why don't you, is there any way you can stick it back in for another couple of weeks? You know, of all the things you've attacked on your podcast, I draw the line at babies, do ya? Why do you draw the line at babies?

Because you can feel it kicking in your womb. I'm really just being crass on this one. Who gives a shit? How far into this podcast are we? Oh, 13 minutes, halfway through the first period. Over halfway. Speaking of that, you guys see the Bruins? Bruins made the, just clinched a playoff birth

by finally beating the flyers. Every time I watch a Bruins flyers game, they lose, unless it's a playoff series. Then they just win the first three and then lose the next fucking four. But that's the first time I've watched a Bruins flyers game in a long time, and they actually won.

It's a goddamn good team the flyers have. And the fucking Rangers scared the shit out of me with Hendrick Lundquist. Motherfucker, stop and everything. But I think Tim Thomas is a better goalie. And I think we, you know something? We've oddly adjusted very well once we traded old Doucheface there.

And he does have a Doucheface, Phil Kessel. You guys watching the NHL network were for some reason, when they say NHL hockey, they have to have the guys do these stupid dramatic, like they'll, they're not facing the camera and then they turn around and they're all sweaty and they have this look on their face. Not happy, not sad, just sort of staring intensely.

It's like, I get it, it's hockey. It's an intense sport, you know? The guy couldn't towel off before this. Is he sweating from being under the lights? Am I really supposed to believe that he just skated over to the bench and you were able to black out the entire arena and now he's staring at you?

Well, some of them look cool. Some of them look intimidating. Some of them look okay. But Phil Kessel, he just looks like a douchebag. I don't understand it, cause he's a fucking great player. But you see his puffy baby fat cheeks when he turns around and he just looks like the kid

that you would cross check, even if his fucking parents were standing on the side, you know, if you're playing like street hockey, then you try to play it off, oh, I'm sorry. And as he cried, it would make you to have a nice feeling right in your heart, you know? Am I the only psycho like that? Wasn't there always one kid in your neighborhood

you just love to see cry, you know? And was there anything better that when somebody else did it and you didn't do it so you could actually sit there and laugh and enjoy the kid crying and you didn't have to run away when his parents came running out of the house? Does that scenario even exist anymore

with you fucking this new generation of fucking cunts out there who spent their entire childhood inside, on the internet and playing fucking video games? You missed out. You missed out. Back in the day when you used to play outside, there was always one kid and he was fat

or he was fucking weird looking. So what you did was you picked on him unless he was funny. He realized, okay, I gotta be funny, you know? Kind of like me. When I was a kid, I looked like Opie with a little bit of Ralph Melf and I realized, I realized it.

I'm like, wow, I'm the only one who has this fucking hair color in my neighborhood. I look like a fucking freak. I bet I better start fucking coming with the jokes here. I did, that's what I did. I used to go outside in a little tuxedo and I would just start, hey, interesting thing happened to me in the middle of getting potty trained

or whatever, I would have jokes because yeah, I used to get the shit kicked out of me. What do you think, that kick of ginger days is something new? Think we always haven't been picked on? Anyways, what the fuck am I talking about here? Oh, that's something that I get. I've gotten a lot lately from people.

People think I don't understand the internet, which I think is absolutely hilarious. Like there's something to get, it is what it is. You know what I mean? It's like, how don't I get it? Cause I call you out when you do dumb shit, you know? I was on the Joe Rogan podcast this past week and fucking amazing podcast.

I go there and Joe's like, dude, you know, whatever time you wanna come over, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I said, all right, why don't we say 12 noon? Cause I don't wanna get stuck in rush hour. Basically how it works out here in LA is you gotta schedule everything between 10 and two in the afternoon. Anytime I have a meeting, when do you wanna meet?

Between 10 and two, all right? Buddy of mind, Al Madrigal, hilarious comedian. Definitely check him out. Al Madrigal, he's the one who told me to do that. So I go 10, between 10 and two. Now I'm not gonna go there at 10 in the fucking morning. I said, all right, I'll go there at 12 noon. So I'll do 12 noon.

I'll get out of there at 2, 230. I'll avoid rush hour traffic, right? And his fucking podcast is so much fun. I think we did like a three and a half, four hour fucking podcast. Took us like a half an hour to settle in. So we started at 1230. He gave me this coconut water that was so fucking delicious.

I actually came home and immediately went on to Amazon in order to fucking case of it. 12 pack is what I got. Alligator armed it. Not cause I didn't wanna get a case. I just wouldn't wanna deal with my girlfriend going, first a water cooler and now a case of coconut water. Where are we gonna put the cereal?

I didn't wanna deal with that. So I only got the fucking 12 pack. All right, so anyways, we start the podcast and we just have a great time. Fucking went through the whole thing. I definitely suggest you listen to it. I of course don't have the link cause I'm an asshole. But just look up Joe Rogan podcast.

He gets like 250,000 hits a week. So you'll definitely be able to hear it. But in the end of the podcast, I got in this huge fucking argument with his male assistant, tech guy. Whatever the fuck you call him. The guy who sits there and was constantly adjusting knobs on the mixer.

We got in this stupid fucking argument about whether or not someone had the right to take my podcast, put it on a website that had advertising on it. And I basically said they didn't. You could, you know, I put my podcast out there. It is free, but it's still my intellectual property. I give it away for free, so you take it for free.

You can't take it and then start making money off it. And there was a website that had all these podcasts and they got them all on one website. Hence a ton of people went to the website. Why? Because of the creation of the artists. Their intellectual property was getting hits. No one was going to the website to look at the fucking website with nothing on it.

They were going there to listen to the podcast. And on their homepage, they had advertising. So all these podcasts were getting eyeballs to go to the fucking website. All right? And they go there and they read advertising. And that's how you sell advertising by the amount of fucking people you get to your website.

And so, how you're supposed to do that? You're supposed to contact the artist or the owner of the work and say, listen, we want to use this shit. We're going to be selling advertising. All right? We'll take our cut, you take your cut. That's fine.

That's what the fuck you're supposed to do. You can't just take it and put it on your site and start making money off of it. And for some reason, he was saying it was my fault because technology existed for them to do that. Solaris, he completely ignored all the laws of intellectual property, copyright laws. Fuck all that, you know?

It's like, you know, if you steal somebody's car, that's Grand Theft Auto. But if you go out and you go buy one of the, what do they call those? Those little Jimmy things, those slim gyms. We can unlock the door to your car, you know? If you have one of those, then, you know, it's not stealing.

It's a dumbest, it was a stupidest fucking argument I've ever gotten into in my life. I'm arguing what the actual law is. And this guy is talking about technology. But technology exists for me to do something illegal. Therefore, it's not illegal. It was fucking retarded. And the only thing more retarded was the fact

that I couldn't fucking tap out of the argument. I can't believe I never brought up. Well, dude, I actually called my lawyer who went to law school in majors with a focus in entertainment law. And not only did he tell me I was 100% right, he actually said I could sue that website if I wanted to, which I'm not going to.

But that's how right I was. Jesus fucking Christ. I mean, a laptop exists that's legal to buy in a laptop. And with the technology of a laptop and a little bit of smarts, I can break into your online bank account and take all your fucking money. Does it mean it's not illegal?

Because laptops are legal? I don't, it was the dumbest fucking argument ever. And it lasted for 45 minutes. And of course, it got a zillion hits. Joe was telling me it got the most fucking responses. All right, and you're gonna sit there and tell me I don't get the internet? I get it, I get it.

People like arguments. They like arguments and they like stealing shit and not fucking paying for stuff and then acting like they don't understand what you're talking about. It goes right back to that, all that stealing music that everybody did. Remember that shit?

And all the artists got mad going, you're stealing our music. And everybody's like, we're not stealing it, man. And we're sharing files. No, we were stealing it. Look what we did. We destroyed, and I say we, because I was on Lime Wire.

I was on Lime Wire for a good eight months before someone finally was just like, dude, we're stealing music. How can we do that? Then that someone can steal your fucking comedy. This is bullshit. And I know a lot of you right now are sitting there going, well, there you go, you stole music.

Therefore, someone ought to be able to steal your fucking podcast or your fucking average. No, two wrongs don't make a right, okay? Just because I go out and murder somebody doesn't mean someone can come over and murder somebody I know. We're both gonna get charged with murder, all right?

I didn't say I was a perfect person in this people. I think it shows what a big person I am that I can admit to some of my wrong doings in the past. But anyways, after fucking 10 years of stealing music, look at the music business, okay? It's over. It's fucking over. Stephen Tyler is on American Idol,

talking to people who work at a fucking Cinnabon, telling them that they have good voices and that they're gonna have some sort of career in a fucking art where the whole business model has been completely fucking destroyed. You guys haven't noticed that shit? Musicians are like in movies now. They're doing everything but singing.

I saw there's a new show out where Christina Aguilera is a judge, the lead singer of Maroon 5 is a judge, some country singer is a judge. All these guys who used to be able to sell out the Staples Center, it's the whole fucking thing, it's over. So I don't know. Did that even make sense?

I don't even know what the fuck my point was. I can't sell at the Staples Center. All right, go fuck yourselves. But I was right in that argument and I actually, I had a great time this week because I didn't read one of the emails that was sent to me about that stupid argument. I would just see it, Joe Rogan's podcast,

RSS feed, any of that shit, I just deleted all of them and it was fucking, it was fantastic. Absolutely fantastic. So I didn't have to read them and argue with strangers who don't understand the laws. So there you go. I hope some of that may, you know, I realize halfway through that is none of you,

most of you probably didn't even hear the fucking argument. But you'll probably go to Joe Rogan's podcast to listen to it, won't you? See that? Spreading the podcast, love. All right, with that, with that running of the fucking mouth, what do I have coming up here, people? This week, I'm actually gonna be,

where am I gonna be? I'm in town this week. I'm actually working on April 2nd. I, let me get the exact date here in case I screw this up. The name of the show is Kevin and Bean's April Foolishness Show. They do it at the Gibson Ampitheater.

I did it last year and had, yeah, April 2nd. I had an unbelievably great time. And absolutely loved doing this gig. Because not only do I get to work with a bunch of comedians that I never get to see anymore, it's all a bunch of headliners. But as far as the fucking I can see, of course I don't have any of the fucking names.

Who the hell's on it? Patton Oswalt's on it. Jimmy Kimmel's on it. I'm on it. Kevin and Bean's on it. I forget. I can't remember. I think Dana Gould might be on it.

I shouldn't name names here, because I don't know. It's gonna be awesome. All these guys that I love watching them work are gonna be on it. And on top of that, the Gibson Ampitheater is used to be called the Universal Ampitheater. And that's the one where the Blues Brothers, they, when they recorded a briefcase full of blues

with my favorite, one of my favorite dramas of all time, Steve Jordan. That's where they did it right there on that stage. And they were opening for Steve Martin back when he wore the white suit with the fucking arrow through his head. I'm a geek for that type of shit. Theater history.

I always try to find out. And I sit there, really? Charlie Chaplin played here. Buster Keaton, like that dumb shit, you know? So anyways, I'll be doing that on April 2nd. And then, what else do I got? Oh, I'm gonna be in Maryland at the Wrecker Theater for two shows on April 8th.

And then I'm gonna be at the Tower Theater. In Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, on April 9th. And then later on that month, I'm hitting two cities I haven't done stand up ever, or in a long time, Milwaukee, never been there. Gonna be at the Pap's Theater in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, April 22nd. On April 23rd, I'll be at the Royal Oak Music Theater

in Detroit, Michigan. I have not been there since I did the Chappelle Show tour with Charlie Murphy and Don L. Rawlings. And I think we did that, we did that one back in 2004. So it's been seven years since I've been there. So please come out to that. And with that, let's get on with the podcast questions for the week.

Where is it? Oh, did I not even open the fucking thing? Jesus Christ, Bill, you call yourself a radio host or a podcast host? Is that what you call me? Is that what you call yourself, Bill? All right, open. Ah, fuck, what can I talk about here?

What can I talk about? Can I talk about how the Bruins raped the Montreal Canadiens, seven to nothing? Did you guys see that fucking game? Absolutely raped them. And I gotta tell you, they deserved every fucking second of that, because they're still bitching

about that Zidane O'Chara hit, you know? He finished his fucking check. The problem was, is that they still have that fucking board, that piece of glass right there. That's the problem. The problem is the NHL have seen for years, guys almost get their fucking heads taken off on that part of the ice.

What you should do is just somehow make that thing collapsible, move it away from the ice. I don't know what the fuck to do, but there's gotta be, okay, if I can have a car that has a collapsible front end and the engine is designed to go underneath me rather than into my fucking torso, there's no way the NHL can't have that.

I'll put the clip on there, by the way, on themmpodcast.com, so you guys can see that hit. I mean, it was brutal, because the guy fractured one of his vertebrae's, and so I felt bad about that, but then they were talking about the severity of the guy's concussion, and it turns out the fucking douche went to the movies

like three days later with this allegedly severe concussion. Gotta love Mark Recky for calling him out. He was actually taking heat off Chara, just saying, yeah, you know what, I think he exaggerated it. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. How awesome is that he did that, you know? Already knowing how fucking sensitive they are up there.

They're so fucking sensitive up there in Montreal. It's not like Toronto. Toronto's a fun, goddamn city. Montreal's some of the most beautiful women you're ever gonna see in your life, but the men are just so fucking sensitive. They actually have the police looking into that hit. Somebody, think about it,

somebody got checked into the fucking boards, okay? And unfortunately, right where the glass starts, you know, or the glass in between the benches, you know? And they wanna like put one of the Bruins in jail for playing hockey, you know? I'll tell you what's funny, it's 10 years ago that there weren't even been a penalty on that play. Anyways, so this is the deal.

The new email, if you wanna send me an email and if you wanna send me more fucking emails about agreeing or disagreeing with my argument on Joe Rogan, you send it to bill at themmpodcast.com. Please send me your underrated, overrated lists, your advice if you have any questions, your stories of revenge, you know, all the shit that we've been doing throughout the years here.

And now speaking of overrated, underrated, I got one here for you as far as something being overrated. You know what's overrated is outlets, you know? You know when the broads get all excited, we're going to the outlets. They got a fucking, what the hell do they shop at? They got a Jordan Marsh, a J.C. Petty, and a Phyleen's outlet.

Any of those stores still exist or did Macy's just fucking buy up all of them, you know? Whatever the fuck they buy, you know? They got all those stores, oh my God, it's gonna be blah, blah, blah. So you're going there as a guy, going all right. Well, maybe this won't cost me as much fucking money. What do you want, a pair of shoes, sweetie?

Hey, let's go to the outlet. Sounds like a fucking, you know? Sounds like a dream. Because when you really think about it, it doesn't make any fucking sense. Why is it so goddamn cheap? Why did they suddenly decide that they just didn't want to make as much money

on that shirt that that seven-year-old sewed together in the Philippines as they would in a mall? What is it about the outlet, you know? If you use common sense, you'd actually think, well, they're probably not marking them down as much as they say they are, and it's probably a bunch of shit that nobody wanted, a bunch of shit that didn't sell well at the malls,

and now they gotta get fucking rid of it. Isn't that what it is? That's been my experience, they're overrated. You go to an outlet, and another thing that they like doing is they like to say that the actual retail price is about 30% more than it usually is, and then they give you a 2% discount, and you feel like you're getting like 32% off.

You know, cause people suck at math. They'll do Adidas shell toes, usually $126, now only $68. You know, what the fuck are they, you know, $168, or whatever the fucking number I just said. The shell toes, there's no arch support whatsoever. It's the same fucking design that you've had for the last 40 fucking years, so there's no extra cost.

You don't have to hire somebody to design a new fucking sneaker, right? It's like a goddamn Porsche. It's the same fucking design forever. So whatever, so we go there, and she goes into Prada, and I walk in, and it's still a fucking ridiculously expensive shoe. I got so fucking mad at my girl at that thing.

I was telling her saying, listen, listen, we're going out to the desert. My buddy had a kid, it's his first kid. I wanna go out there. That's what it's supposed to be about. But you know fucking women, they can't just go out and go deuce. They always gotta get something.

Yeah, if you notice that, all you young studs out there banging away, having one, even if you have a one night stand with them, they still try to get a T-shirt out of it. If you notice that, can I get a T-shirt? Then they just walk out with it. They're fucking weird. They're like serial killers.

Like they're taking some sort of a trophy. Making a goddamn voodoo doll. Give me, you know, that was one of the turning points as me as a single guy when I asked for the T-shirt back. I started doing it. Can I have my T-shirt back? And I loved it because they didn't know what to, because they were pissed that they asked for it,

that I asked for it, but then they also didn't wanna come off as some selfish cunt. So then they had to take it off, they just, the conflicting emotions on their face, mad that you asked, and then trying to play it off like they're not mad. So you can see that they're actually a good girl

who will jump on your dick after knowing you for about four and a half hours, right? So anyways, overrated outlets. All right? They're fucking overrated. Unless there's a bunch of stores that you like, then it's just convenient. That's the best you're gonna get, you know?

It's convenient. At least I don't have to walk through a food court and two levels. I like that it's just one level. I do like that aspect of it, but in general, I don't see the fucking deals. Do you know how Vegas used to be mob run and now it's corporate-owned?

And gradually the $8 stake disappeared that you could get. Dude, you can get a stake for like six bucks. You can anymore. They turned them all into buffets. It's like the $20 buffet. And then you gotta go there and feel like, you know, you ate your money's worth. So you go there and eat 10 times more

than you normally would have. And then you're fucking, you're killing yourself. You ever eat so much, you start sweating. You just have such a bizarre combination. You're eating like rice and then a slice of cake. Some fucking pancakes and then a piece of fish. You know, your body's just like, dude, what the fuck? And you finish it off with like a pickle.

Then you're just sitting there, right? Looking at that guy on man versus food, you know, he gets down to the final two bites and he goes into what I call the thinker pose, you know, where he's got his fist up against his skull. Yeah, it's the same thing. Outlets, it's the same hype that people used to say about Vegas.

People finally have stopped saying the $6 stake bullshit. All right, so there you go. That's overrated, underrated for the week. Please keep sending those in people. I love reading those things. All right, advice for this week. I'm becoming just sort of the relationship advice person.

I don't know how this has happened. Considering, I've never been married. I don't have any kids, you know? So I don't know, you know, I'm basically the Steve DeBerg of relationships. You know, I'm somehow still in the league, still in the game, pulling the clipboard, but I haven't taken a fucking snap in like nine years.

That's what I am, I'm standing on the sidelines. Because all you guys are getting married and having kids, just sitting here fucking wearing a headset. All right, but you guys want advice? Here we go. Here we go. Okay, so I've been together with my girl for almost four years, got married last September in 2010.

These past weeks have been hell. I'm a very honest person, so I felt lately that me and my wife have not been close. So I talked to my wife and told her how I felt. And if we continue like this, things can end up in divorce, not things will. He stressed can, all capital can end up in divorce. So we talked it over and all seemed okay.

Sunday the 20th, I asked her when she was coming home. This was at 10, 20 p.m. She told me in the next 20 minutes, I said, okay, cool, I'll see you at home. I was driving home from a farther city, so it took me longer to get home. I get home at 12 a.m. and she is still not home. So I call her and say,

please tell me if you're not gonna come home on time, so I know you're okay. All right, sounds like a decent guy. What does she do? She starts yelling at him, saying, I lost my place. She starts yelling at me, saying, I was helping my damn friend stop being an asshole.

Then she hung up. Wow. She got home and yelled at me and everything and we argued. She went to bed, mad at me and I slept on the couch. First time I've ever done that in our relationship. All right, that's par for the course. You got married in September.

You go through the honeymoon phase, right through the holidays and all of a sudden, Valentine's Day comes up. That's more excitement. Now you're into March. March is the real deal. Okay, if you can get along in March, that's a good benchmark, you know?

There's nothing going on in March. There's no Valentine's Day. There's no holidays unless she has a birthday. Then it doesn't count. Hey Bill, why don't you shut the fuck up and read the rest of the email? All right, all right, I will. All right, next morning she leaves to work

and I tell her, I hope you know me sleeping on the couch is not a good thing. And she goes, well, me not kissing you before I leave isn't a good thing either. Jesus. Later on Monday, she says, I am not sleeping at home tonight. I don't know if I want to be with you anymore.

Jesus Christ, dude. This is like fucking going vertical here. She's in the space shuttle. It's Friday now and all week she hasn't come home to me. She won't even tell me where she is sleeping. Barely answers my texts or calls. She told me she isn't happy. I don't treat her good.

She doesn't love me the way she used to. But not once did she sit me down like a civil person and tell me to change. She just up, she up and just left. Bill, please tell me if you love someone and you're married, would it be easy to just up and leave like that? Leave that person with no warning and not giving the person a chance

unless she has another secret. Oh, Jesus. I think he's suggesting that she might have another guy. She's filing for divorce soon. Told me to keep everything. She just wants her vehicle. I'm dying inside and I've been going crazy. I cannot believe she would put me through this.

She said she's been thinking of this for two months but never sat me down so I can work on being a better man. Wow, dude, two months is a long time when you've only been married since September. That's basically 20% of your marriage, I would think. So anyways, he goes on to say she had nothing when we met. I drove her to school every day

and her parents did not care for her. I did everything for her. Why would she screw me like this? Oh, boy. All right. So what advice do you want here? You want me to know why she would do this? All right, let's, let's, all right.

Out of everything she said there, I know all my listeners right now are pretty much convinced that she's out fucking around on you. And you know, who's kidding? Oh, they definitely, I don't think, would be wrong to think that. But I think the fly in the ointment here

is your description of her relationship with her parents. When you said that you drove her to school and did everything for her, yet her parents did not care for her. This is something that I noticed in my horrific dating past. If you want to get somebody stable,

you have to come up with some sort of list of qualifications that they have to pass or at least they have to pass most of them. And one of the things, if you want to get a well-adjusted female, I'm not saying that they can't come from divorce, but they have to have a good relationship with their parents.

Okay, I found that to be a major red flag. If I was on a date and I found out that the person I was on a date with was not speaking to either their mother or their father, or would say my dad's a piece of shit, or I fucking hate my mother, or we don't talk right there. I'm telling you, just run in the other direction

because I don't know, it just seeps into your fucking relationship and they do shit like this. Because I'm thinking, if she came from a household where her parents, people who are supposed to love her unconditionally and they weren't doing shit for her, and then you come in there and you start doing everything for her,

just out of never having that in her life on some level she's gonna fall in love with you, even if she doesn't love you. She loves you because you're giving her what her parents never gave her. Gave her, you know what I mean? But that doesn't mean that she loves you. And I think that that's,

and then you combine the fact that she had a fucked up relationship with her parents where there was no love and that type of stuff. She doesn't know what love is and can't communicate. And when she's not feeling it, she doesn't know how to get out of it like a fucking adult. Hence, she just leaves you. And then, because she's been searching for life,

love her entire fucking life, rather than just going out on her fucking own and just being alone and figuring out what she wants, it kinda seems like she already has another guy and she's just swinging to that dude, going right into another relationship. So I'll tell you this, this is what I would do. I would consider myself fucking lucky

that she did it this quick, that you found out that you were married to a psycho and that she only wants her fucking car. All right, so what I would do is give her her space, don't call her, be civil, work the fucking thing out, sign the divorce papers, let her get in her fucking VW thing, whatever the fuck she drives,

and let her and her baggage drive down to the goddamn street. All right, then you fucking, I don't know, do the usual shit, go to the gym, cry it out, go to the fucking gym, all right? Don't beat yourself up, don't start drinking, don't start becoming a fat fuck, all right? Turn this shit around, I'm telling you, I don't come up with some healthy fucking way

to deal with this shit, and don't do the guy's shit where you fucking white-knuckle your way through it and in booze and go bang a fat chick, don't do that shit, all right? Fucking, you know, curl up in the fetal position, cry it out and just tell you, keep telling yourself you're gonna meet the right girl,

do that, but that one right there, dude, flush that one down the fucking toilet, and it's a blessing, it's a blessing, dude. Can you imagine if you had a kid with that fucking nightmare and for the rest of your fucking life, or at least for the next 18 goddamn years she's gonna be in your fucking life and you gotta listen to her opinions,

which would totally affect on some level your relationship with the next great girl that you're gonna meet. Your next girl's gonna be a great girl because you've been through this shit with this cunt, trust me, all right? It's gonna hurt, just fucking deal with it, all right? Platoon, take the pain, all right?

Okay, that's it, next one. All right, Bill, be in this girl, another relationship one. Bill, me and this girl are stationed overseas in the military, England, lucky enough, due to our jobs, we see each other a couple times a week for meetings at the gym. Here are my 47 dilemmas.

There's the chance of being deployed and all of that business due to the war with yogurt face and Libya. The least of my worries. Oh, by the way, did you see that fucking, there was a couple of, what was it? Usher, Beyonce and Mariah Carey

actually did private New Year's gigs for a million bucks, did New Year's gigs for Gaddafi's kids. Can you fucking believe that? How much fucking money do you need to make, you know? You're gonna take a gig where you're gonna go dance like a goddamn fucking clown for a mass murderer's kids. Then you take that fucking blood muddy,

stick it in your bank account, go buy yourself some fucking glitter or whatever the hell you do when you're a goddamn singer, buy some more streamers to hang on your fucking mic stand. And then when you get busted, you try to play it off like you had no idea who Gaddafi is. And what he's done, yeah, you couldn't remember that he claimed he was behind the Pan Am bombings

that killed fellow Americans? The fuck is wrong with you? I love that shit where they tried to play it off like they had no idea, okay? At the low level of entertainment that I'm at, anytime I do a private gig, they always tell you what the deal is. I don't do private gigs anymore

because as Dane Cook classically put, you feel like you're being rented. That's the greatest way to describe how you feel when you do that gig. See, if you come out to a comedy club or a theater to see my act, you get my act and I get to say whatever I want. But if you hire me to perform for your company

or a private fucking Christmas party or some shit like that, like I used to do those gigs, there's always a list. This is what they do, stay away from this and you either comply to the list or you just don't take the gig. The last thing you do is say, yeah, yeah, no problem. Then you show up and you do your Lenny Bruce fucking set

and then walk away thinking you're a badass. You're not a badass, you're just an asshole. If you were gonna go in there and curse and they wanted a clean comic, you shouldn't have taken the gig. They're hiring you, private gig, right? So, but anyways, anytime I do a gig, if there's somebody in a fucking wheelchair,

if there's somebody mentally handicapped, just that shit alone, they'll poke the head in the back. Hey, just to let you know, I don't know what jokes you do, but this is the situation out there, just giving you the heads up so there's no problem. There's no fucking way their agents didn't say, hey, listen, just to let you know, you're performing for the children of a mass murderer.

This is how they feel about females over there, stay away from this. You're able to gyrate this much during songs, but there was a whole fucking, it's a million dollar gig. There's no way the agent lets the artist go in there, not knowing who the fuck they're performing with, performing to, risking losing their commission on a million dollar fucking gig.

They're completely full of shit. They're just giving the money back because they got fucking caught. I think it's horrific, absolutely horrific. So anyways, back to the email. So, we've both been here, being this broad for about six months. Okay, let me recap here, up until this point,

he sees this girl a couple times a week, all right? Okay, so the two dilemmas, he works with the girl, and also, if he starts developing feelings at any point, he could get deployed to Libya and she couldn't, and she might not, or they might both, and they'll be in separate parts of the country and they'll fucking see each other, you know what I mean? I don't fucking know.

I don't even understand, how the fuck can we start a third war? We couldn't even afford one. I really don't understand it. All right, let's continue here. We've both been here about six months, and in that time, everyone on the base has tried to get into this jigs pants.

She's a bombshell for certain. No one seems to get close, however. I come to find out she's basically got dumped when she left her last base stateside and has been cooped up in her house off base, trying to keep in touch with this dude. She's rarely gone out and hasn't given dating or whatever much of a thought as far as I can wager.

Meanwhile, I've been busy being miserable on my own, as well as this, as I had this stint with some cop chick over the winter and that basically died. About two to three weeks ago, I start talking to this broad and spending time together regularly after work. Nothing too serousy, but apparently I can make her laugh.

Getting the notion that she's moving on from her old relationship. Things seem to be going swimmingly. I'm just not certain I can take the multiple risks and try to make a situation out of this that wouldn't somehow end up in some sort of complete disaster. I'm technically shitting where I eat

and it's not like I can just quit this job tomorrow in the fucking military. I'm trying to avoid certain disaster yet, however, I'm primed to be in the zone for a good looking piece and perhaps a healthy relationship thereafter. I'm not sure how far to take this thing. I'm conflicted, I could use a laugh,

thanks for the podcast. All right, all right, dude. These are very fucking mature concerns. This is all up to you. You gotta figure out how you feel about this girl. All right, and then act accordingly. All right, if you wanna fucking just bang this girl, if you figure that out,

if you just wanna bang this girl, just be upfront and tell her that it's just a sex thing. And she either goes for it or she doesn't. All right, and if she goes for it and you bang her and then you don't call her afterwards, or you're just still not having feelings for her, she can't get mad legitimately because you talk to her about it upfront.

Of course, there's always that 18% psycho rule where she could be thinking, well, after he fucks me, he's gonna realize what a great person I am, and then we'll have a relationship, you know? I would be a little bit nervous about this girl because she's still hanging on to this other person. So I don't know if she's just wounded

or if she is an actual psycho. So I will tell you this, if you just have a fuck buddy relationship with her, this is the key, all right? You have to space out the times when you bang her, all right? And when you bang her, she can never spend the night. You also can't watch a movie with her. You can't do any sort of things

that indicate you have some sort of relationship beyond fucking, all right? And you have to bang her like the filthy fucking whore that she is. That's basically how you sustain a fuck buddy relationship. You fucking you leave. That's all you do. We are fuck buddies.

We are not movie slash fuck buddies. We are fuck buddies and that is it, all right? If she calls you up and asks you to come over there and help hang a fucking picture, you don't have time. You can't fucking do it, all right? That's it. You are a dick and that's it. Now, if you wanna have a fucking relationship with her,

you gotta figure out if you really like this girl. At which point, if you're mature enough, you probably shouldn't try and fuck her because that will cloud everything. Personally, I've never been able to do that, so good luck to you. Those are your two options. Fuck buddy relationship.

Figure out what the fuck you wanna do and then act accordingly. All right, sir? Good luck. Hey, Bill, I'm going on my 11th hour of work today, but up and up, oh, I can't read that part there. Too many names there. Okay, anyways, Bill, I was fat

and in a destructive relationship for most of college. My confidence was just about ruined before I dumped the cunt and I lost about 70 pounds. Good for you. See, this guy did the right thing. He got it for that guy with the first question. This guy here, he got out of a relationship. All right, and look what happens.

He goes to the gym, he dropped 70 pounds. Good for you. Since then, I've been with a lot of women and haven't had trouble meeting women. I just know how to act confident. I have trouble finding, but I do have trouble finding the line between asshole aggressiveness and simply being confident.

All right, well, you're already banging a bunch of women. You've lost 70 pounds. It sounds like you're killing it. So what happened? Did you piss off a couple of women? What is your definition of asshole aggressiveness? Are you talking to them? Be like, hey, baby, you just reach up and grab a titty?

You know, this is the thing about being confident. What you gotta do is be confident about yourself, but don't insult the woman. Don't, I've never liked that. Like some guys do that. What they do is they go up there and how they get the girl to be in a weak position is they sort of say things to her

that kind of makes her like insecure. I don't know, what is a good example of that type of stuff? Like, I don't know, you can just make some sort of comment about the clothes they're wearing or just something or just be like, oh, what is an example? I see, I never did that. Not because I'm a fucking great guy,

just because I have a need to be liked so I could never go that way. Although I have found that, like, reacting to other hot girls walking around the club with a lot of girls will somehow, I don't know, it's just weird thing with it. Like that's sort of their competitiveness. You know, if you could just get into a conversation

about them about, you know, how hot you think some other girl is, I know this sounds fucked, but this has actually worked for me. And then you just start talking about what you like in women, what turns you on, and then you steer the conversation into sex and then you're in there.

So I would say, for me, the difference between being asshole, aggressive, is if I actually say something mean, I don't know, I don't think you should ever be mean to a girl to try to get her to fuck you. I just think that's like a cowardly way into it. But, you know, for you to be a cocky asshole, and if they compliment you about how you look,

just be like, yeah, I know, I'm a good looking guy. I don't know what it is, women like me, just along those fucking lines. You just do that as you're sort of making fun of yourself, then you show you have a sense of humor. I would try to go that fucking route. I don't know, but once again, you're talking to a guy who looks like Ralph Malf,

so it probably works, you know, you guys, maybe you guys can be assholes if you actually have some sort of pigment in your hair. All right, let's plow ahead here. Bill, a friend of mine who I played in a band with for over a year in high school, lost his mother to a sudden heart attack. At the memorial service,

I get out of my dorky hippy Ford fusion hybrid at the church and see a smoke and hot chick climbing out of a white 2010 Ford Mustang GT with racing stripes and walks inside. Dude, that sounds like the beginning of a great fucking movie. You know, the nerd in his little douchey car and then some hottie, you know,

was it Christie Brinkley from those fucking European vacation movies? Anyways, it was mysterious and intriguing at the same time, exactly. I didn't know too many people at the funeral and I was the only guy, what? I didn't know too many people here as I only met the guy through my younger brother

and was not super close with him. Then what the fuck are you doing with the funeral? At the funeral? Jesus Christ. His mother was an artist so after the receiving line, there was a reception with her art displayed around the room and I was sipping coffee and looking at some of her art.

This is a fucking cool ass funeral. Looking at some of her art on the wall, I glance to my right and there she is, standing right next to me. I lean in and I say, I like your car. 45 minutes later, after learning, she is a nurse at a local hospital and graduated from, I learned that she was a nurse

from a local hospital and graduated from my high school. Dude, is this girl like a call girl? This sounds like a fucking call girl. She just shows up in a hot car, dressed like a fucking hottie and was she wearing the nurse's outfit? Anyways, he goes on to say I knew her family a little bit, she loves sports.

Oh, loves sports care. I decided to say goodbye to her and not ask for her number. I mean, it's a fucking funeral. Dude, there's no rules when it comes to getting laid, okay? I don't give a shit if you're fucking treading water after a tsunami. All right?

She didn't have time to put a bra on. She's got a t-shirt on. What, you're not gonna fucking, you know? Can't ask for her number at that point. Her fucking cell phone's under water, I guess, you know. Hey, you wanna form a two-person circle over here? I heard it keeps the sharks away. Sorry.

Anyways. Blah-blah-blah, but thanks to Facebook, I find her out. I find where the fuck she is, her name and she has all these pictures. But she has all these pictures of her and some chunky kid, worse than the college version of me. She also has some status about a great Valentine's Day

but nothing about being in a relationship. I know this sounds like teeny-bop ship, but this girl was amazing when you hit it off and I sure don't wanna fuck it up with some awkward shit. We've exchanged a few emails and stuff but I don't know how to find out her deal without just asking. I also don't wanna come on too strong

and ruin the friendship fetus by creeping her out. I wanna ask her to her, I wanna ask her to the anti-social network show that you guys are doing with Jim Norton, Jim Brewer and David Tell. But I have a fear of ruining the great vibe we have with something she might not be accepting. All right, dude, what you're basically doing

by sitting here being timid is you're getting yourself into that Chris Rock friend zone. You have to make a move right now. You talk to her at the fucking funeral. She talked to you for 45 minutes at a funeral. You didn't ask for the number. Right there, you should have lost the game but because everybody gets a ribbon with this generation,

there's Facebook, so you get to fucking make it up. Now she's exchanging emails with you. How many more fucking clues do you need? She has a vague sort of relationship status on her Facebook. Ask her to the fucking show. It's perfect, all right? You go into a comedy show, we'll make her laugh. You sit there laughing it up with her,

accidentally put your hand on her fucking thigh and you're in, I know it's not that easy but dude, you need to ask her out sooner rather than fucking later and have her go to a comedy show. That'd be a great, I think that'd be a great idea. And that's it, all right, so ask her out. That's my advice for this fucking week

and I apologize for my horrific reading. Let me give you some YouTube videos here that'll all be up on themmpodcast.com, the official fan website of the Monday Morning Podcast. We had 7,500 hits last week, that's the most we've ever gotten so I wanna thank everybody who's been going there. So here we go, here's the YouTube videos for the week

and if you don't wanna go up and look at them individually on YouTube, you can look at them all right in a neat little row on themmpodcast.com, all right. For those of you who are into drugs, man, we got a great one about 1961, it's a video on mushrooms and I believe, I can't really tell what's going on here.

I think it's the beginning of ecstasy, I have no idea what but it's just great listening to the weird music that they're playing when they describe what these mushrooms do to you. Elvis's date rape, blue Hawaii trailer. It's just a bunch of clips of Elvis right before he bangs a lot of chicks and some of the shit that he gets away with,

just being mean and being really misogynistic. And not to mention, what's fucking hilarious is he doesn't have a shirt on in most of it because he's on the beach and just to see what being in shape look like back in the day, he has no abs and he has these little seventh grade arms and a little fucking chest, little chicken chest

but basically in shape back in the 50s and 60s just meant you weren't fat. You just suck in your gut a little bit but he is the most horrific bathing suit I've ever seen in my life and I don't know. You could basically do a nine hour seminar at a feminist convention if they just showed this entire, just the movie trailer alone.

This is a bizarre video is a hidden camera, British cunt threatens to ruin ex's life. This guy's marriage is falling apart and he's filming it. It's just really bizarre. If you like watching something really fucking awkward, just definitely check it out. And oh, here's a new one. This is what I call pre-911, these YouTube videos.

We just see people doing shit in public that nowadays would end with a felony and the person on TV scolding them. I know I've showed this video before but man jumps out of stands and catches football just in case for the new podcast listeners on one Monday night football game, The Bears vs. The Packers.

Somebody kicked a field goal and as it's going through the uprights, this guy jumps out of the stands and catches it. I mean, you'd get tasered and you'd be put in jail immediately now and not only does this guy not get tasered, he goes back to the fucking stands. He's allowed to continue watching the game

and Dan Deirdoff and Al Michaels are just laughing their fucking asses off. Think it's the greatest thing ever. And that just makes me think about, oh, it wasn't a great before 9-11 when you could have a great time and do shit like that and it was just considered all innocent fun and it didn't have to be treated like it was that.

It was that Asama bin Laden who just jumped out of the fucking stands. And all right, the next YouTube video, this is one for John Bonham fans. This is a very rare video or just one I've never seen. It's a Paul McCartney video where it's Paul McCartney and Wings and Friends. It's some horrifically awful song called The Rockestra Theme,

but one of those things where they put together like an all-star cast of people to raise money, kind of like a precursor to the we are the world thing. And they have three drummers, two, three drummers. And one of them is John Bonham. It's not only is he not playing Ludwigs, he's playing this drum kit. I don't know if it's a North drum kit

or there was another drum kit out there called a Stingray. In the late 70s and early 80s, they had this radical design on the drums where they sort of had the bottom of the drum. Looks like it's made, if you were on acid and you were looking at a drum kit, it looks like it's melted and it's pointed out at the crowd.

Allegedly it made your tom sound better, but it's the only time I've ever seen John Bonham not playing one of his famous Ludwig kits. And any of the drummers out there, can you please tell me what the kit is? Cause I looked it up on the internet. I tried to find images of Stingray drum kits and I saw a couple of the modern ones

where they had the warped toms, but I couldn't find any of the classic ones. I looked through my old modern drummer magazines and I couldn't find it, but if anybody knows the name of the drum kit, I'd love to know. All right, and that's it. I think that's it for this week.

Yeah, that's it. Couple of movies. Movie to avoid, Battle Los Angeles. It was like Independence Day, took a shit all over the expendables. Just didn't buy into it. Maybe it's because I've been sober for a while and I saw it with a few potheds who loved it to death,

wouldn't shut the fuck up during the movie and kept making stupid comments like, dude, we're fucked. Yeah, I mean, come on. Who goes to Battle Los Angeles and actually thinks it's gonna be cherry to fire? Which I actually thought that movie sucked. Yeah, I think you need to smoke.

That movie is for potheds. That's one, eat a fucking little weed cookie and go see it and have a good time. See, that's right there, there you go. There's something positive about weed. It makes awful movies like Battle Los Angeles enjoyable and relevant. And somebody said Lincoln Lawyer was awesome.

All right, that's it. That is the podcast for this week. You guys all have a great week. Thanks for everybody who listens to the Monday Morning Podcast. If you wanna hear that epic argument that I had with Red Band, you know, and yes, we are friends.

We got along great. I actually did a set itself comedy hole and we laughed about the argument, so there's no reason to gossip anything beyond. If you just really wanna listen to a great argument of two people who just don't know how to say, agree to disagree, I definitely suggest, listen to it.

I also definitely recommend subscribing to Joe Rogan's podcast. It's fucking awesome. I had a great time on it. And that's it. That's the podcast for this week. I will see some of you at the Gibson Ampitheater on April 2nd for the Kevin and Bean Comedy Show

that raises money for I forget what cause. I know it's a great cause because no one ever raises money for terrorists, right? I guess unless you do a comedy show in like Saudi Arabia. Isn't that what they do? That's how they raise money with their filthy fucking oil money. Then they funnel it through the mosques.

Isn't that how it goes down? Is that how the paper trail goes down? Do you guys read Rolling Stone magazine? You gotta check it out on these two potheds who became international arms dealers. It's really interesting to watch two kids get involved in that type of shit and also to see how that game is run.

And it also kinda makes you understand why certain countries really do not like other countries and kinda what's going on. It's just completely fucked. So I definitely recommend checking that out. And I think that's it, all right? Can I just shut the fuck up now? I'm gonna shut the fuck up now.

All right, you guys, have a great week. Go fuck yourselves and I'll talk to you later. This is final time see you guys on 22nd September Chinese New Year. See you! We rise again, in a glass bowl of chalet, there's barley in my eyes, when I opened up my eyes The first thing, barely lighted in barley, the day it's gone out big, I think it looks good already So hold me fast people, of the dark stock knocking, there's barley in my eyes You choose your second hand car on instinct or with your mind?

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